May 12, 2025 • 28 mins
Have you ever prided yourself on being the one who "keeps the peace" in your relationships, only to realize later you might be sacrificing your own well-being in the process? That's exactly what happened to me after years of what I thought was noble peacekeeping in my marriage.
In this deeply personal exploration, I unpack the critical difference between peacekeeping and peacemaking—a distinction that transformed my understanding of healthy relationships after betrayal. Peacekeepers avoid conflict at all costs, minimize problems, and often sacrifice their own needs for artificial harmony. Meanwhile, peacemakers have the courage to engage with difficult issues while maintaining compassion and respect.
Through my own journey recovering from betrayal, I discovered that my so-called peacekeeping was actually preventing genuine healing and connection. I share the telltale signs you might be a peacekeeper, including feeling responsible for managing everyone else's emotions, walking on eggshells to avoid triggering others, and suffering in silence rather than addressing problems directly.
Most importantly, I offer practical guidance for shifting from peacekeeping to peacemaking: identifying your triggers, setting healthy boundaries, practicing difficult conversations, and creating safe spaces where vulnerability is welcomed rather than punished. This transformation isn't about becoming confrontational—it's about finding the courage to address issues with love and integrity rather than sweeping them under the rug.
Whether you're healing from betrayal or simply want more authentic connections in your life, understanding this distinction could be the key that unlocks more honest, fulfilling relationships. Listen now to discover how you can honor your truth while still cultivating genuine peace in your relationships.
Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.
Email me: hello@lifecoachjen.com for any comments or questions.
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My website is www.lifecoachjen.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Welcome to my podcast .
Happily, even After.
I'm life coach, jen, I'mpassionate about helping people
recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only
(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today we begin to help you livehappily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast.
So this topic I just I have anotes app on my phone and so
anytime I hear something, I'llput it in there and I'll think
about it.
And it's peacemakers versuspeacekeepers.
(00:55):
And I would personally havealways like said I was a
peacemaker, like I kept thepeace in my family, I like peace
, right, and so I was the onlygirl.
I had boys, or I had boys, Ihad brothers.
I do have boys too, but I'mjust a peaceful person.
(01:18):
That's like kind of my.
If I'm going to say, like, whatkind of personality do you have
?
And I would say that that ispart of my personality, right,
but what I have realized that,yes, I kept the peace, but I
don't think I did it in ahealthy way, especially in my
(01:38):
marriage.
And so I'm going to talk to youabout the differences, right,
and I want you to pay attentionto what they are and see which
one you are, because I think wethink like that is a noble
quality to keep the peace right,like that's such a good thing.
Right, you're not a fighter,you're a lover.
But so I'm going to talk topeacekeepers.
(02:01):
Okay, they're more passive,while peacemakers are bold.
Peacekeepers avoid, whilepeacemakers engage.
Peacekeepers minimize conflict.
While peacemakers maximizecrucial questions and
conversations.
Peacekeepers keep problems outof sight and out of mind.
(02:25):
Peacemakers acceptresponsibility for wrongs and
resolution.
Peacekeepers pursue artificialpeace and allow wrongs to worsen
.
Peacemakers honor their creatorby pursuing what's right.
And if we're going to gobiblical, was Jesus a peacemaker
(02:47):
or a peacekeeper?
In the Sermon on the Mount, hesaid blessed are the peacemakers
.
A peacemaker is someone whobrings peace to others.
Jesus was a peacemaker.
He helped people feel peace byserving and blessing them.
So, as I read that and I wasthinking about this, like, of
(03:08):
course I want to be like Jesus,right, I want to be, keep the
peace and be a peacemaker.
But I realize in my marriage Iwas peace keeping right.
I was always trying to manageand minimize what my spouse was
doing during his affairs.
(03:30):
I wanted to make sure it didn'taffect my children, and so I
was choosing him over choosingme, and I wouldn't want to say
something because then thatmight blow up into a fight, so I
would just go inside and I waskeeping the peace right, and I
(03:52):
know this because I've talked tomy kids.
Right, we felt like we werewalking on eggshells a lot.
What were dad's footsteps likewhen he came home from work?
Were they happy andeverything's fine?
Or did they feel andeverything's fine?
Or were they, did they feelstressed out and nervous?
And that, right, like, you'reallowed, he was allowed to feel
(04:13):
stressed or happy or whatever.
But the thing is, when hisreaction right, very critical,
very mad, and so it's like wethought, oh, if we keep the
peace, then he won't get mad atus or he won't be negative or he
won't criticize us.
That was a false belief,because that was not true.
He still did those things.
And so the fact that I'm notgoing to say anything about this
(04:37):
number I found in your walletor your suit coat, so I don't
have to hear you tell me like,oh, that was someone I met
that's some guy's phone number,right, like a whole lie and a
whole gaslight or a whole thing.
And so instead I just wouldn'task him.
That was me keeping the peace,but was it?
(05:01):
No, it wasn't.
It was making my life miserableand I was living a lie.
And so I think many of us, wejust need to do a little shift,
right, can we go frompeacekeeping to peacemaking
Absolutely?
And once you recognize thethings that you're doing in your
own life and I'm not saying, ofcourse, like we don't want to
(05:24):
have arguments in our family,right, and I bet there's every
if you have a large family,there's someone in your family
that is like to their littlebrother, be quiet.
Don't say that dad's upset,mom's upset, right, we don't
want to.
You know they try to minimize,right, don't tell your kids if
you watch TV shows, optimize,right, don't tell your kids If
(05:47):
you watch TV shows, you knowthere's lots of family dynamics
that play out on different showsand you can be like there's
always someone at the familyChristmas party or at the
Thanksgiving dinner that istrying to make sure manage
everyone's emotions.
Well, that's exhausting andit's not a reality.
It's not even possible.
It's just an inside belief.
We think we are managingeveryone's emotions right.
(06:11):
Peacekeepers are calm.
So these are, I would say, goodthings to be Calm, stable, warm
, loyal and flexible to theneeds of others.
They are good listeners andeven-tempered.
They like doing practical jobsand often do the obvious jobs
that others miss.
They value trust strongly andenjoy being a part of a smaller
(06:33):
team where they are valued andappreciated.
So if I said that and you heardthat, you're like well, those
are good things, right, but theproblem they do that at the
expense of their own needs,their own emotions, their own
feelings.
They put everyone else's needsabove theirs.
That's where it's a problem.
The peacekeeper somehow becomesa mediator and tries to resolve
(06:57):
conflicts and maintain harmonywithin the family.
Everyone's family, people havedifferent temperaments and
different things, and so itfeels uncomfortable if someone
starts yelling, but sometimesthat's just what needs to happen
, okay, to get somethingresolved now.
We don't need to yell to haveour problems resolved, but just
(07:17):
sometimes that's how it happens,but we do it at our own expense
.
They may sacrifice their ownemotional needs to provide what
they perceive their siblings,their husband, their wife or
parents need, or their kids,okay.
So how do you stop being apeacekeeper.
(07:37):
So becoming a peacekeeper couldbe the result, I mean, of past
trauma for sure.
That was why I felt like right,like I didn't want to really
talk about the betrayal or theaffair, because I would have
been lied to or heard somethingthat was hurtful about myself.
I would have been blamed andsaid it was you know, I didn't
(08:00):
look a certain way or wasn'tdoing this or doing that, so of
course, I didn't want to talkabout it.
Right, and it could be.
You know, you know you're.
You got a bad grade on a testand if you told your parents,
they were going to react acertain way and so instead you
did something else or you wouldprotect your siblings anyway.
(08:20):
So just acknowledge it, right,awareness is your best friend in
this situation.
Figure out, okay, where do Ipeace keep?
And I want to stop doing that.
It happens a lot of times infamilies, even as you're an
adult, in big family reunions orbig get-togethers, just notice,
(08:44):
right, who are the peacekeepers?
Right, and that's exhausting.
But the consequences there's somany negative consequences when
you're the peacekeeper, I think.
For me, years ago, I felt likeeveryone else in my family was
having a problem.
So my problem, I couldn't speakit.
(09:06):
I couldn't tell anyone becauseif I had a problem then everyone
else was having a problem.
I felt like I had to help themwith their problems, so I just
ignored my problem.
But my problem was pretty bigright, it was really devastating
, it was really caused me a lotof pain and my family had no
(09:29):
idea.
They didn't know I was goingthrough betrayal because I
didn't tell them, because I waskeeping the peace, because I
perceived their problems werebigger than my problem and
that's a problem.
So you can see how this canaffect yourself and I see how
this affected me and I hope Inever do that again and I hope
(09:52):
I've learned my lesson that allof our problems were valid and
we could have handled.
All of our problems were validand we could have handled all of
them.
I think I have enough faith andconfidence in myself and my
family, with my kids.
I know they're all going tohave problems, sometimes all in
the same day, but I got it.
We can talk about it.
We can't solve something andhelp something if we don't even
(10:13):
know what we're doing right, ifwe're not even speaking what we
need and just so we can hold in,you know the thoughts and
feelings of other people Mostpeople when they're the mediator
, the peacekeeper, right?
They're trying to, like,mediate between, like, two
people that are fighting witheach other, right?
(10:34):
And then they get put in themiddle of it and sometimes it
feels unaligned with what theywant or need or what they even
believe.
And so get put in the middle ofit and sometimes it feels
unaligned with what they want orneed or what they even believe,
and so they're in the middle ofsomeone else's problem, and
that's a horrible position to bein.
Right, so you've got to createboundaries.
Right, it's not your job tosolve other people's problems.
This happens I know a lot, withparent and child, two parents,
(10:57):
fighting, and they bring theirchild into it, right, sadly,
that's the thing.
And so we got to createboundaries.
Right, it's not your job.
They're married.
It's your parents' job tofigure out their own problems.
They don't need to bring you init.
Another consequence of being apeacekeeper is that your focus
is on others rather thanyourself.
(11:19):
Right, you're so outwardlyfocused.
You're not even payingattention to your needs, and I
really noticed this in my ownlife, how this really affected
me, right, and I couldn't see itthen.
So I'm going to give myselflots of grace and compassion.
It wasn't for 20 plus yearsthat I saw that I even did this.
I didn't recognize that I waseven doing this and what we're
(11:42):
trying to do is fillexpectations of everyone else
and just to avoid the conflictand the tension.
It makes us feel uncomfortable.
We don't want people fighting,we want peace.
Right, that's our personality.
But sometimes people have tofigure out their own problems
and sometimes they yell.
(12:03):
And that's okay, that's on them, not on you.
So really pay attention.
If there's certain people inyour life that you tend to be a
peacekeeper for, pay attentionto what your behavioral patterns
are, what triggers you.
I think that's helpful, likejust acknowledging, like I would
(12:26):
have said, I'm a peacemaker.
No, I wasn't.
I was peacekeeping for years.
My entire marriage I waspeacekeeping, and I feel
irritated about that.
But I'm glad I'm very aware ofit now because I'm not going to
ever do that again.
I don't do that, I try not todo that.
(12:46):
I mean it's a hard habit tobreak, but I'm at least very
aware of it now.
I focus on okay, we're going tohave this hard conversation.
Right now I just do that withmy kids, but having this hard
conversation, or I guess, with afriend or other people in my
life I could have thatconversation with.
But just pay attention to whatsituations and I think I
(13:11):
probably still do this with myown family, right, with my
brother and my parents, and Idon't know.
So I've got to figure out a way.
Am I peacekeeping orpeacemaking?
So just know that this is athing and just get honest with
yourself.
I think it's good to journalabout it, to pay attention to
your triggers, to figure outokay, what is your go-to Like?
(13:34):
Is it because you're worriedsomeone's going to get in a
fight, someone's going to getmad?
What is going on for you?
When does this happen?
Does this happen only at familyget-togethers right, big family
get-togethers or is it on thedaily?
Is it over the phone or is itwhen you're in person?
Right, you get to decide.
You can stop it whenever youwant.
(13:58):
Reflect what do you need inthese situations?
What kind of boundaries do youwant to create for yourself?
Decide, you know what, nexttime your mom calls you and
wants to vent about your sisteror your brother, you can be like
you know what, mom, why don'tyou go talk to that sibling and
you guys figure it out.
I don't want to be involved inthis problem anymore.
(14:19):
It's not my problem, it's mysiblings' problem.
Go talk about it with them.
I love you, I'm here to supportyou, but I'm out, okay.
Or if your mom is calling youabout your dad or your dad's
calling you about your mom, seta boundary.
It isn't your job to fix theirproblem.
Okay, it's not your job andit's only going to hurt you and
(14:44):
really the whole dynamic of therelationship.
It's causing people to avoidtalking about real issues and
solving them.
Okay.
So just know that.
Remind yourself of what is andisn't your responsibility.
I think sometimes we think likeI feel like I labeled myself.
(15:06):
It's my job to keep the peacein my family.
This is my job.
It's my job when I was a littlegirl and a teenager, a young
adult, and as I was married, Itook that I.
I continued that it is my jobto make sure my kids don't
experience any adverse effectsfrom their dad or any negative
(15:29):
emotion.
My problems aren't as importantas all my other siblings'
issues, so I'm just going tostay quiet.
I'm going to keep the peace.
So just remember that wasn'tright.
Right, that was not, that wasallowing me to not feel my
emotions and to not be honestand truthful, and it wasn't
(15:52):
allowing me to get help andsupport from my family because I
was trying to keep the peace.
And it wasn't good for my kids,because my kids learned that we
should avoid things and wecan't avoid things because
eventually those things alwayscome out right In a really
negative and bad way eventually,and so it's important to learn
(16:13):
how to address difficultsubjects and topics.
I think my kids are learningthis.
I hope they are.
I know I'm learning it.
So once you become aware youknow you can have the
conversation with your familyand just decide you know I'm not
doing this anymore.
I'm going to work on becoming apeacemaker, not a peacekeeper.
(16:36):
So, just, you have to beintentional.
So how to become a peacemaker,becoming a peacemaker, and
especially in your marriage orespecially after betrayal or any
relationship, really, you haveto actively seek to resolve
conflict and maintain aharmonious relationship.
(16:57):
So you have to be willing tostep into what I'll say the fire
, step into the zone of.
I don't agree with you and Iwant to have this conversation.
I think somehow we've gotten theidea that an argument, a
disagreement has to be yellingAbsolutely not Like.
(17:18):
You can have a healthydisagreement and not have any
yelling involved.
Be respectful, know what yourneeds are, know what you want,
know what your point is.
You can have healthyconversations.
We just have to practice andget better at it.
So if you have the mindset oflike oh, this is going to become
a screaming match, and if it is, you can say you know what?
(17:39):
I'm going to leave the room for20 minutes and I want you to
calm down.
If you don't calm down, wewon't continue the conversation.
But if you do, I'm going tocome back in and we can continue
the conversation.
So you get to set whateverboundaries you want, right?
If it does become a yellingmatch, you can withdraw from it
(18:00):
and just calm yourself down andthen re-engage later.
But you have to talk aboutthese hard subjects right and
know your stance.
Know what you want to haveresolved or talked about.
Come prepared, know what youwant to have the conversation
(18:21):
about.
Prioritize your communication.
I think a lot of times likeacknowledging if you were wrong,
right, even if you don't thinkyou were, but your spouse does.
Like say you know what I'mreally sorry for, whatever you
think I did or whatever's goingon here, like, apologize, be
sincere, forgiveness.
(18:42):
I always call it a soft heart,right, like that's really hard
when you're talking aboutbetrayal and I'm not telling you
need to forgive that.
But if you're just having aconversation with someone that
you know your mom or yoursiblings or your kids right,
just be like you know what Ilove you, I want to work this
(19:06):
out, right.
That's what peacemaking has,that softness about it, right,
but you're not.
You're still pressuring, havingthis hard conversation, right.
If you need help, seek help.
Okay, I think open and honestcommunication is crucial.
I always tell my clients tellthe truth, the whole truth, even
(19:30):
if the truth is I don't likeyou very much.
Today, I'm really strugglingwith finding out that you're
continuing talking to youraffair partner.
Finding out that you'recontinuing talking to your
affair partner.
That makes me feel terrible,insecure, not wanting to trust
you.
I mean whatever, but the morevulnerable and you can lean into
(19:53):
the hard truth, the moreconnected you're going to become
and you're going to be able tohave a better conversation, as
opposed to sweeping it under therug and not talking about it
and avoiding it just to keep thepeace.
Okay, refrain from assumptions Iknow that's hard.
(20:13):
I assume things sometimes andso we don't know.
We have to just ask thequestion so we can know.
Active listening that's anotherhard one for me, right?
Because I'm always preparingfor what's the next thing I want
to say.
So practice these are things.
That's why we have to practicethem.
See if we can sit in theuncomfortable and have that
(20:37):
person talk to us and sharetheir hearts and their feelings
and see their perspective.
We want to see what theirperspective is, because maybe we
can have a lot more compassionfor them if we see their
perspective.
Own our part in whatever thedisagreement is.
What did we do that might havecontributed to it if there was
(21:01):
any part of it, and sometimesthere's only like 1%, right, and
then the other person is 99%,but that's okay, you can just
own that 1%.
Or if you really don't feellike you did anything, you can
be like you know what?
I just can't see what my partis in this.
But can you help me see yoursand then maybe I can see it
right, like you have to justpush on the muscle of.
(21:24):
We're going to have this hard,difficult conversation.
Seek common ground that'simportant.
Figure out what do you agreewith, sometimes, honestly, both
of us, especially if you'refighting like, let's say, about
kids, we both love our kids.
We're just going to, I'm goingto assume, your husband and you
(21:45):
love your kids, but you mighthave two different ways of going
about disciplining them orteaching them or whatever.
But just go to the fact.
The common ground is you bothlove your kids.
Okay, so try to find commonground, if you can.
Maybe common ground in betrayalis right now you both want to
stay married and that's thecommon ground.
(22:06):
Okay, we can go there, we canmake progress from there, but we
have to have that conversation.
The thing I want you tounderstand about peacemaking is
you are kind of walking in tothe hard, but with the hope of
(22:27):
peace, and you're not going totell someone like, oh, it's
totally okay that you had anaffair, right, like, that's not
it, no, it is.
You're calling them to whatever.
Like, whatever they've done, oh, you hit your brother, you bit
your brother on.
You know you bit him.
It's not saying like, oh,that's totally fine, it's no,
(22:51):
it's like, no, son or daughter,we don't bite.
Or no, husband, I am verydevastated that you had an
affair.
What are you going to do?
How are you going to get helpand healing?
This is what I'm going to do.
Right, you're acknowledging itand you're trying to figure it
(23:13):
out together, as opposed tosweeping it under the rug and
not talking about it.
Okay, you're willing to havethose hard, challenging
conversations, but you're, youknow, creating a safe place so
someone can tell you something.
I always think of a safe place,like people are like what does
(23:34):
that mean?
That just means, when someonetells you something that's
really hard to say or they feellots of shame, that you can hold
space for it, that you can sitthere and you're not going to
judge them.
You're going into it like Ilove you and we're going to
figure this out.
That's what a peacemaker woulddo finding ways.
(23:58):
It isn't your spouse's job tomake you feel comfortable or
accepted or loved right, it'syour job to feel those things.
Don't put that on your spouse.
And it's not your job to makehim feel comfortable or not feel
bad or, you know, not haveshame.
It's his job, okay.
So don't give each other thatmuch power.
(24:21):
If you need to take a break, ifyou need to self-soothe because
you're too triggered, too upset, too emotional, you can step
away because you're taking careof you and your needs.
I think paying attention toyourself Like are you a
peacekeeper or are you apeacemaker?
(24:43):
And if you're a peacekeeper,recognize, okay, that is hurting
myself, my family, my marriage.
I'm going to focus on being apeacemaker and I'm going to do
that by going into the hard,having those conversations that
I think that by me avoiding washelping, but it was actually
(25:06):
hurting my marriage, myrelationship, my family.
And it doesn't mean you justhave to walk up to someone and
say you suck and remember whenyou did this 10 years ago.
That's not it, but it's payingattention.
When you feel like hurt or youfeel like something needs to be
addressed, you address it withcalm, loving, compassion.
(25:32):
Right, you're going in it,trying to see both sides and I
think this is going to be sohelpful.
And remember, if you want to bemore Christ-like, he was a
peacemaker and I think that's animportant thing to pay
attention to.
Right.
How can we be more peacemakers?
(25:52):
We need a world, our worldneeds peacemakers and I think so
many of us, especially thatgrew up in a religious culture.
Yeah, we heard peace, we heardthe peace part, but we became
peacekeepers because we thought,oh, but contention's not good,
or we shouldn't yell at people,or, you know, we felt like it
(26:15):
was about yelling and lack ofyelling equals peace.
No, that's not true.
Lack of yelling might just meanyou're brushing something under
the rug that needs to beaddressed.
And just because something hard, especially betrayal, divorce I
mean there's lots of hard inthe world Just because you're
going to talk about it, doesn'tmean there has to be an argument
(26:38):
about it.
That's what a healthy has to bean argument about it.
That's what a healthy adultlearns how to do.
And if you don't know how to dothis, it can help you, you can
figure it out, you can change,you can become aware and get
better at being a peacemaker.
So thanks so much for listening.
Have a beautiful week and Iwill talk to you next week.
Welcome to my podcast .
Happily, even After.
I'm life coach, jen, I'mpassionate about helping people
recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only
(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today we begin to help you livehappily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast.
So this topic I just I have anotes app on my phone and so
anytime I hear something, I'llput it in there and I'll think
about it.
And it's peacemakers versuspeacekeepers.
(00:55):
And I would personally havealways like said I was a
peacemaker, like I kept thepeace in my family, I like peace
, right, and so I was the onlygirl.
I had boys, or I had boys, Ihad brothers.
I do have boys too, but I'mjust a peaceful person.
(01:18):
That's like kind of my.
If I'm going to say, like, whatkind of personality do you have
?
And I would say that that ispart of my personality, right,
but what I have realized that,yes, I kept the peace, but I
don't think I did it in ahealthy way, especially in my
(01:38):
marriage.
And so I'm going to talk to youabout the differences, right,
and I want you to pay attentionto what they are and see which
one you are, because I think wethink like that is a noble
quality to keep the peace right,like that's such a good thing.
Right, you're not a fighter,you're a lover.
But so I'm going to talk topeacekeepers.
(02:01):
Okay, they're more passive,while peacemakers are bold.
Peacekeepers avoid, whilepeacemakers engage.
Peacekeepers minimize conflict.
While peacemakers maximizecrucial questions and
conversations.
Peacekeepers keep problems outof sight and out of mind.
(02:25):
Peacemakers acceptresponsibility for wrongs and
resolution.
Peacekeepers pursue artificialpeace and allow wrongs to worsen
.
Peacemakers honor their creatorby pursuing what's right.
And if we're going to gobiblical, was Jesus a peacemaker
(02:47):
or a peacekeeper?
In the Sermon on the Mount, hesaid blessed are the peacemakers
.
A peacemaker is someone whobrings peace to others.
Jesus was a peacemaker.
He helped people feel peace byserving and blessing them.
So, as I read that and I wasthinking about this, like, of
(03:08):
course I want to be like Jesus,right, I want to be, keep the
peace and be a peacemaker.
But I realize in my marriage Iwas peace keeping right.
I was always trying to manageand minimize what my spouse was
doing during his affairs.
(03:30):
I wanted to make sure it didn'taffect my children, and so I
was choosing him over choosingme, and I wouldn't want to say
something because then thatmight blow up into a fight, so I
would just go inside and I waskeeping the peace right, and I
(03:52):
know this because I've talked tomy kids.
Right, we felt like we werewalking on eggshells a lot.
What were dad's footsteps likewhen he came home from work?
Were they happy andeverything's fine?
Or did they feel andeverything's fine?
Or were they, did they feelstressed out and nervous?
And that, right, like, you'reallowed, he was allowed to feel
(04:13):
stressed or happy or whatever.
But the thing is, when hisreaction right, very critical,
very mad, and so it's like wethought, oh, if we keep the
peace, then he won't get mad atus or he won't be negative or he
won't criticize us.
That was a false belief,because that was not true.
He still did those things.
And so the fact that I'm notgoing to say anything about this
(04:37):
number I found in your walletor your suit coat, so I don't
have to hear you tell me like,oh, that was someone I met
that's some guy's phone number,right, like a whole lie and a
whole gaslight or a whole thing.
And so instead I just wouldn'task him.
That was me keeping the peace,but was it?
(05:01):
No, it wasn't.
It was making my life miserableand I was living a lie.
And so I think many of us, wejust need to do a little shift,
right, can we go frompeacekeeping to peacemaking
Absolutely?
And once you recognize thethings that you're doing in your
own life and I'm not saying, ofcourse, like we don't want to
(05:24):
have arguments in our family,right, and I bet there's every
if you have a large family,there's someone in your family
that is like to their littlebrother, be quiet.
Don't say that dad's upset,mom's upset, right, we don't
want to.
You know they try to minimize,right, don't tell your kids if
you watch TV shows, optimize,right, don't tell your kids If
(05:47):
you watch TV shows, you knowthere's lots of family dynamics
that play out on different showsand you can be like there's
always someone at the familyChristmas party or at the
Thanksgiving dinner that istrying to make sure manage
everyone's emotions.
Well, that's exhausting andit's not a reality.
It's not even possible.
It's just an inside belief.
We think we are managingeveryone's emotions right.
(06:11):
Peacekeepers are calm.
So these are, I would say, goodthings to be Calm, stable, warm
, loyal and flexible to theneeds of others.
They are good listeners andeven-tempered.
They like doing practical jobsand often do the obvious jobs
that others miss.
They value trust strongly andenjoy being a part of a smaller
(06:33):
team where they are valued andappreciated.
So if I said that and you heardthat, you're like well, those
are good things, right, but theproblem they do that at the
expense of their own needs,their own emotions, their own
feelings.
They put everyone else's needsabove theirs.
That's where it's a problem.
The peacekeeper somehow becomesa mediator and tries to resolve
(06:57):
conflicts and maintain harmonywithin the family.
Everyone's family, people havedifferent temperaments and
different things, and so itfeels uncomfortable if someone
starts yelling, but sometimesthat's just what needs to happen
, okay, to get somethingresolved now.
We don't need to yell to haveour problems resolved, but just
(07:17):
sometimes that's how it happens,but we do it at our own expense
.
They may sacrifice their ownemotional needs to provide what
they perceive their siblings,their husband, their wife or
parents need, or their kids,okay.
So how do you stop being apeacekeeper.
(07:37):
So becoming a peacekeeper couldbe the result, I mean, of past
trauma for sure.
That was why I felt like right,like I didn't want to really
talk about the betrayal or theaffair, because I would have
been lied to or heard somethingthat was hurtful about myself.
I would have been blamed andsaid it was you know, I didn't
(08:00):
look a certain way or wasn'tdoing this or doing that, so of
course, I didn't want to talkabout it.
Right, and it could be.
You know, you know you're.
You got a bad grade on a testand if you told your parents,
they were going to react acertain way and so instead you
did something else or you wouldprotect your siblings anyway.
(08:20):
So just acknowledge it, right,awareness is your best friend in
this situation.
Figure out, okay, where do Ipeace keep?
And I want to stop doing that.
It happens a lot of times infamilies, even as you're an
adult, in big family reunions orbig get-togethers, just notice,
(08:44):
right, who are the peacekeepers?
Right, and that's exhausting.
But the consequences there's somany negative consequences when
you're the peacekeeper, I think.
For me, years ago, I felt likeeveryone else in my family was
having a problem.
So my problem, I couldn't speakit.
(09:06):
I couldn't tell anyone becauseif I had a problem then everyone
else was having a problem.
I felt like I had to help themwith their problems, so I just
ignored my problem.
But my problem was pretty bigright, it was really devastating
, it was really caused me a lotof pain and my family had no
(09:29):
idea.
They didn't know I was goingthrough betrayal because I
didn't tell them, because I waskeeping the peace, because I
perceived their problems werebigger than my problem and
that's a problem.
So you can see how this canaffect yourself and I see how
this affected me and I hope Inever do that again and I hope
(09:52):
I've learned my lesson that allof our problems were valid and
we could have handled.
All of our problems were validand we could have handled all of
them.
I think I have enough faith andconfidence in myself and my
family, with my kids.
I know they're all going tohave problems, sometimes all in
the same day, but I got it.
We can talk about it.
We can't solve something andhelp something if we don't even
(10:13):
know what we're doing right, ifwe're not even speaking what we
need and just so we can hold in,you know the thoughts and
feelings of other people Mostpeople when they're the mediator
, the peacekeeper, right?
They're trying to, like,mediate between, like, two
people that are fighting witheach other, right?
(10:34):
And then they get put in themiddle of it and sometimes it
feels unaligned with what theywant or need or what they even
believe.
And so get put in the middle ofit and sometimes it feels
unaligned with what they want orneed or what they even believe,
and so they're in the middle ofsomeone else's problem, and
that's a horrible position to bein.
Right, so you've got to createboundaries.
Right, it's not your job tosolve other people's problems.
This happens I know a lot, withparent and child, two parents,
(10:57):
fighting, and they bring theirchild into it, right, sadly,
that's the thing.
And so we got to createboundaries.
Right, it's not your job.
They're married.
It's your parents' job tofigure out their own problems.
They don't need to bring you init.
Another consequence of being apeacekeeper is that your focus
is on others rather thanyourself.
(11:19):
Right, you're so outwardlyfocused.
You're not even payingattention to your needs, and I
really noticed this in my ownlife, how this really affected
me, right, and I couldn't see itthen.
So I'm going to give myselflots of grace and compassion.
It wasn't for 20 plus yearsthat I saw that I even did this.
I didn't recognize that I waseven doing this and what we're
(11:42):
trying to do is fillexpectations of everyone else
and just to avoid the conflictand the tension.
It makes us feel uncomfortable.
We don't want people fighting,we want peace.
Right, that's our personality.
But sometimes people have tofigure out their own problems
and sometimes they yell.
(12:03):
And that's okay, that's on them, not on you.
So really pay attention.
If there's certain people inyour life that you tend to be a
peacekeeper for, pay attentionto what your behavioral patterns
are, what triggers you.
I think that's helpful, likejust acknowledging, like I would
(12:26):
have said, I'm a peacemaker.
No, I wasn't.
I was peacekeeping for years.
My entire marriage I waspeacekeeping, and I feel
irritated about that.
But I'm glad I'm very aware ofit now because I'm not going to
ever do that again.
I don't do that, I try not todo that.
(12:46):
I mean it's a hard habit tobreak, but I'm at least very
aware of it now.
I focus on okay, we're going tohave this hard conversation.
Right now I just do that withmy kids, but having this hard
conversation, or I guess, with afriend or other people in my
life I could have thatconversation with.
But just pay attention to whatsituations and I think I
(13:11):
probably still do this with myown family, right, with my
brother and my parents, and Idon't know.
So I've got to figure out a way.
Am I peacekeeping orpeacemaking?
So just know that this is athing and just get honest with
yourself.
I think it's good to journalabout it, to pay attention to
your triggers, to figure outokay, what is your go-to Like?
(13:34):
Is it because you're worriedsomeone's going to get in a
fight, someone's going to getmad?
What is going on for you?
When does this happen?
Does this happen only at familyget-togethers right, big family
get-togethers or is it on thedaily?
Is it over the phone or is itwhen you're in person?
Right, you get to decide.
You can stop it whenever youwant.
(13:58):
Reflect what do you need inthese situations?
What kind of boundaries do youwant to create for yourself?
Decide, you know what, nexttime your mom calls you and
wants to vent about your sisteror your brother, you can be like
you know what, mom, why don'tyou go talk to that sibling and
you guys figure it out.
I don't want to be involved inthis problem anymore.
(14:19):
It's not my problem, it's mysiblings' problem.
Go talk about it with them.
I love you, I'm here to supportyou, but I'm out, okay.
Or if your mom is calling youabout your dad or your dad's
calling you about your mom, seta boundary.
It isn't your job to fix theirproblem.
Okay, it's not your job andit's only going to hurt you and
(14:44):
really the whole dynamic of therelationship.
It's causing people to avoidtalking about real issues and
solving them.
Okay.
So just know that.
Remind yourself of what is andisn't your responsibility.
I think sometimes we think likeI feel like I labeled myself.
(15:06):
It's my job to keep the peacein my family.
This is my job.
It's my job when I was a littlegirl and a teenager, a young
adult, and as I was married, Itook that I.
I continued that it is my jobto make sure my kids don't
experience any adverse effectsfrom their dad or any negative
(15:29):
emotion.
My problems aren't as importantas all my other siblings'
issues, so I'm just going tostay quiet.
I'm going to keep the peace.
So just remember that wasn'tright.
Right, that was not, that wasallowing me to not feel my
emotions and to not be honestand truthful, and it wasn't
(15:52):
allowing me to get help andsupport from my family because I
was trying to keep the peace.
And it wasn't good for my kids,because my kids learned that we
should avoid things and wecan't avoid things because
eventually those things alwayscome out right In a really
negative and bad way eventually,and so it's important to learn
(16:13):
how to address difficultsubjects and topics.
I think my kids are learningthis.
I hope they are.
I know I'm learning it.
So once you become aware youknow you can have the
conversation with your familyand just decide you know I'm not
doing this anymore.
I'm going to work on becoming apeacemaker, not a peacekeeper.
(16:36):
So, just, you have to beintentional.
So how to become a peacemaker,becoming a peacemaker, and
especially in your marriage orespecially after betrayal or any
relationship, really, you haveto actively seek to resolve
conflict and maintain aharmonious relationship.
(16:57):
So you have to be willing tostep into what I'll say the fire
, step into the zone of.
I don't agree with you and Iwant to have this conversation.
I think somehow we've gotten theidea that an argument, a
disagreement has to be yellingAbsolutely not Like.
(17:18):
You can have a healthydisagreement and not have any
yelling involved.
Be respectful, know what yourneeds are, know what you want,
know what your point is.
You can have healthyconversations.
We just have to practice andget better at it.
So if you have the mindset oflike oh, this is going to become
a screaming match, and if it is, you can say you know what?
(17:39):
I'm going to leave the room for20 minutes and I want you to
calm down.
If you don't calm down, wewon't continue the conversation.
But if you do, I'm going tocome back in and we can continue
the conversation.
So you get to set whateverboundaries you want, right?
If it does become a yellingmatch, you can withdraw from it
(18:00):
and just calm yourself down andthen re-engage later.
But you have to talk aboutthese hard subjects right and
know your stance.
Know what you want to haveresolved or talked about.
Come prepared, know what youwant to have the conversation
(18:21):
about.
Prioritize your communication.
I think a lot of times likeacknowledging if you were wrong,
right, even if you don't thinkyou were, but your spouse does.
Like say you know what I'mreally sorry for, whatever you
think I did or whatever's goingon here, like, apologize, be
sincere, forgiveness.
(18:42):
I always call it a soft heart,right, like that's really hard
when you're talking aboutbetrayal and I'm not telling you
need to forgive that.
But if you're just having aconversation with someone that
you know your mom or yoursiblings or your kids right,
just be like you know what Ilove you, I want to work this
(19:06):
out, right.
That's what peacemaking has,that softness about it, right,
but you're not.
You're still pressuring, havingthis hard conversation, right.
If you need help, seek help.
Okay, I think open and honestcommunication is crucial.
I always tell my clients tellthe truth, the whole truth, even
(19:30):
if the truth is I don't likeyou very much.
Today, I'm really strugglingwith finding out that you're
continuing talking to youraffair partner.
Finding out that you'recontinuing talking to your
affair partner.
That makes me feel terrible,insecure, not wanting to trust
you.
I mean whatever, but the morevulnerable and you can lean into
(19:53):
the hard truth, the moreconnected you're going to become
and you're going to be able tohave a better conversation, as
opposed to sweeping it under therug and not talking about it
and avoiding it just to keep thepeace.
Okay, refrain from assumptions Iknow that's hard.
(20:13):
I assume things sometimes andso we don't know.
We have to just ask thequestion so we can know.
Active listening that's anotherhard one for me, right?
Because I'm always preparingfor what's the next thing I want
to say.
So practice these are things.
That's why we have to practicethem.
See if we can sit in theuncomfortable and have that
(20:37):
person talk to us and sharetheir hearts and their feelings
and see their perspective.
We want to see what theirperspective is, because maybe we
can have a lot more compassionfor them if we see their
perspective.
Own our part in whatever thedisagreement is.
What did we do that might havecontributed to it if there was
(21:01):
any part of it, and sometimesthere's only like 1%, right, and
then the other person is 99%,but that's okay, you can just
own that 1%.
Or if you really don't feellike you did anything, you can
be like you know what?
I just can't see what my partis in this.
But can you help me see yoursand then maybe I can see it
right, like you have to justpush on the muscle of.
(21:24):
We're going to have this hard,difficult conversation.
Seek common ground that'simportant.
Figure out what do you agreewith, sometimes, honestly, both
of us, especially if you'refighting like, let's say, about
kids, we both love our kids.
We're just going to, I'm goingto assume, your husband and you
(21:45):
love your kids, but you mighthave two different ways of going
about disciplining them orteaching them or whatever.
But just go to the fact.
The common ground is you bothlove your kids.
Okay, so try to find commonground, if you can.
Maybe common ground in betrayalis right now you both want to
stay married and that's thecommon ground.
(22:06):
Okay, we can go there, we canmake progress from there, but we
have to have that conversation.
The thing I want you tounderstand about peacemaking is
you are kind of walking in tothe hard, but with the hope of
(22:27):
peace, and you're not going totell someone like, oh, it's
totally okay that you had anaffair, right, like, that's not
it, no, it is.
You're calling them to whatever.
Like, whatever they've done, oh, you hit your brother, you bit
your brother on.
You know you bit him.
It's not saying like, oh,that's totally fine, it's no,
(22:51):
it's like, no, son or daughter,we don't bite.
Or no, husband, I am verydevastated that you had an
affair.
What are you going to do?
How are you going to get helpand healing?
This is what I'm going to do.
Right, you're acknowledging itand you're trying to figure it
(23:13):
out together, as opposed tosweeping it under the rug and
not talking about it.
Okay, you're willing to havethose hard, challenging
conversations, but you're, youknow, creating a safe place so
someone can tell you something.
I always think of a safe place,like people are like what does
(23:34):
that mean?
That just means, when someonetells you something that's
really hard to say or they feellots of shame, that you can hold
space for it, that you can sitthere and you're not going to
judge them.
You're going into it like Ilove you and we're going to
figure this out.
That's what a peacemaker woulddo finding ways.
(23:58):
It isn't your spouse's job tomake you feel comfortable or
accepted or loved right, it'syour job to feel those things.
Don't put that on your spouse.
And it's not your job to makehim feel comfortable or not feel
bad or, you know, not haveshame.
It's his job, okay.
So don't give each other thatmuch power.
(24:21):
If you need to take a break, ifyou need to self-soothe because
you're too triggered, too upset, too emotional, you can step
away because you're taking careof you and your needs.
I think paying attention toyourself Like are you a
peacekeeper or are you apeacemaker?
(24:43):
And if you're a peacekeeper,recognize, okay, that is hurting
myself, my family, my marriage.
I'm going to focus on being apeacemaker and I'm going to do
that by going into the hard,having those conversations that
I think that by me avoiding washelping, but it was actually
(25:06):
hurting my marriage, myrelationship, my family.
And it doesn't mean you justhave to walk up to someone and
say you suck and remember whenyou did this 10 years ago.
That's not it, but it's payingattention.
When you feel like hurt or youfeel like something needs to be
addressed, you address it withcalm, loving, compassion.
(25:32):
Right, you're going in it,trying to see both sides and I
think this is going to be sohelpful.
And remember, if you want to bemore Christ-like, he was a
peacemaker and I think that's animportant thing to pay
attention to.
Right.
How can we be more peacemakers?
(25:52):
We need a world, our worldneeds peacemakers and I think so
many of us, especially thatgrew up in a religious culture.
Yeah, we heard peace, we heardthe peace part, but we became
peacekeepers because we thought,oh, but contention's not good,
or we shouldn't yell at people,or, you know, we felt like it
(26:15):
was about yelling and lack ofyelling equals peace.
No, that's not true.
Lack of yelling might just meanyou're brushing something under
the rug that needs to beaddressed.
And just because something hard, especially betrayal, divorce I
mean there's lots of hard inthe world Just because you're
going to talk about it, doesn'tmean there has to be an argument
(26:38):
about it.
That's what a healthy has to bean argument about it.
That's what a healthy adultlearns how to do.
And if you don't know how to dothis, it can help you, you can
figure it out, you can change,you can become aware and get
better at being a peacemaker.
So thanks so much for listening.
Have a beautiful week and Iwill talk to you next week.
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