Beyond Betrayal: Rebuilding Your Marriage Without Fixing Your Spouse

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The aftermath of betrayal often leaves us scrambling to "fix" our broken marriage, convinced that our happiness depends entirely on our spouse's transformation. But what if these beliefs are actually preventing your healing?

Drawing from years of helping clients navigate post-betrayal recovery, I challenge the misconception that rebuilding a marriage is solely your responsibility. When your spouse has an affair, they—not you—must own their choices completely. No matter what challenges existed in your marriage, you didn't cause their betrayal. Their willingness to take full responsibility and seek help understanding why they strayed is essential to genuine reconciliation. Without this commitment from both partners, one person alone cannot repair what's broken.

Even more damaging is the belief that your happiness depends on your spouse changing. This mindset surrenders your emotional well-being to someone else's choices. While their actions certainly affect you, your thoughts about those actions largely determine your happiness. Many marriages get trapped in unhealthy power dynamics where one partner positions themselves as superior (one-up) while the other feels inadequate (one-down). Breaking free requires recognizing everyone's strengths and weaknesses without keeping score. What if both partners could be simultaneously amazing and flawed? What if different approaches to tasks weren't automatically judged as right or wrong?

True healing begins when you reclaim responsibility for your own happiness while releasing the expectation that your spouse must transform to validate your worth. This doesn't mean accepting ongoing betrayal—rather, it means developing the emotional independence to make clear-headed decisions about your future from a place of personal strength rather than desperate dependency. Whether your marriage ultimately survives or not, you deserve to find your way to "happily even after."

Ready to break free from betrayal trauma? Connect with me at [e-mail] or @HappilyEvenAfterCoach on Instagram and Facebook to learn how we can work together toward your healing.

Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.

Email me: [e-mail] for any comments or questions.

Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.

My website is www.lifecoachjen.com

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:10):
Welcome to my podcast Happily, even After.
I'm life coach, jen, I'mpassionate about helping people
recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only

(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today, we begin to help youlive happily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to anotherpodcast.
So I kind of touched on this afew podcasts ago, but I just
kind of wanted to delve into ita little more because I think a
lot of people have thismisconception.

(00:55):
Believe this.
Maybe it's just me, but I don'tthink so.
Basically, the thought isthinking you have to fix your
marriage, or that it is your jobto fix your marriage, or that
your spouse needs to change foryou to be happy.
Okay, so I'm going to talkabout both of these ideas.

(01:17):
First of all, I for surethought the first time my spouse
had an affair very early on inour marriage and I thought it
was my job to fix it, because Ithought it was my fault, right,
and it's never your fault.
And I've been speaking aboutthis on Instagram and I have all

(01:43):
sorts of people coming out Well, if they had more sex or if you
know they were nicer, orwhatever.
But it's fundamentally not true.
There is no reason that yourspouse, they need to take full
ownership of the affair.
It is not about you, it isabout them.
If you disagree with me, that'sokay, but for those of you that

(02:06):
have been betrayed, just wantyou to know that it isn't your
fault.
They're, of course, going toblame you and try to blame you,
blame it on them to make themfeel better.
But it's not your fault.
You didn't choose that and Iguarantee you weren't happy in
your marriage and so in thatmoment and if you were, you
still didn't choose it.
They did.
They have to take fullownership of what they chose to

(02:29):
do.
So often we think okay,especially women.
I think men think this too, butwomen especially think okay,
how am I going to fix this here?
Our marriage has been blown up,they've had an affair, but
they're coming back saying Iwant to work on our marriage, I
don't want to lose our family,and so we take it upon ourselves

(02:52):
to fix the marriage First ofall, like it is broken, but I
just want you to reframe it, andhow can you rebuild your
marriage together?
This isn't a individual job.
This is a together job.
This is something that needs tohappen together.
This isn't a individual job.
This is a together job.
This is something that needs tohappen together.
So so often, the wife or thehusband that has been betrayed

(03:14):
feels so devastated and as theybegin healing which is so great
you can get a little bit morehealed so you can make better
decisions, better choices.
But if the betrayer, the spousethat had the affair, refuses to
get help, it's going to bereally hard to rebuild your
marriage.
So I just want you to considerwhere is the spouse that

(03:39):
betrayed?
Are they willing to own up andtake responsibility for what
they did and then get help tofigure out why they did it?
Great, I totally believe youcan rebuild your marriage.
But if not, it's going to be alot harder.
And the thought that we can onlybe happy if our spouse changes.

(04:00):
Now, of course, if our spousecontinues to have affairs,
you're not going to want to feelhappy.
But then what you need toconsider is do you want to be
married to someone that doesthat?
That's, someone that lies toyou, right?
That's the radical honesty Iwas talking about last podcast.
So just consider what thatlooks like for you.

(04:23):
But can you be happy?
Like, what does happiness meanfor you?
I want you to figure out,because it is your job to make
your life happy, right?
What are you not doing or doingto bring happiness, more
happiness, into your life?
And if you are stuck inbetrayal trauma, if your nervous

(04:46):
system is stuck in freeze rightor fight or flight, if you're
having a trauma response, yourcapacity to feel happy is going
to be very limited, if not atall impossible, because you are
frozen and so you are notfeeling any emotion whatsoever.

(05:07):
So you also have to practicefeeling the negative emotions so
you can also feel the positiveemotions.
But I don't want you to thinkyour spouse isn't the one making
you happy.
Your thoughts are making youhappy.
Now they can contribute, right,to make you miserable or happy,

(05:27):
like for sure.
Their actions are going tocontribute.
But don't give them all yourpower.
Don't allow them to determineif you're happy or not.
I know it's really hard, forwe'll just say your spouse comes
home from work and is reallygrumpy and has had a bad day.
Like it's really hard to nottake on some of their emotions.

(05:51):
But the better you can get atallowing your spouse to feel
however they need to feel andthen allowing yourself to feel
however you need to feel, thehappier your marriage and your
life will be, I promise.
The belief that a marriage isinherently fixable or that a

(06:13):
partner's change is arequirement for happiness can
lead to an unhealthy one-up,one-down dynamic.
So I for sure had this dynamicin my marriage.
My spouse thought he was betterthan me and he would put me
below him, right, and I.
Sadly that was easier for me,so I stayed there Like I didn't

(06:37):
challenge that dynamic.
It's a very unhealthy dynamicand unhelpful to have a great
marriage.
That's not going to be whereyou're going to have a great
marriage.
It's when you guys are workingtogether.
This mindset often stems frommisplaced blame and expectation,
hindering individual growth andmarital satisfaction, which I

(06:58):
100% agree with.
So for sure my spouse had anaffair.
He would blame it on me becausefor whatever reason like I
wasn't thin enough, I wasn'tattracting, I was pregnant,
whatever his reasons were rightLike we didn't communicate well,
but this woman, like she's sucha great communicator and so

(07:22):
amazing, right, she lights me up, and so blame that on me.
And then he had theseunrealistic expectations of what
a wife, a mother, a person, ahuman would be right, and so
this created the one up, onedown dynamic.

(07:42):
So I'm going to give you somethings that we sometimes do to
create this dynamic and thatmake it really hard to get out
of and to rebuild our marriage.
Blame, for sure, is one of thebiggest issues, especially in
betrayal, and that comes fromshame.

(08:05):
We feel shame, so we don't wantto feel shame, so we're going
to blame it on someone else.
So, the more you can, if youfind yourself ever blaming
something on someone else, Iwant you to look inward and say,
okay, what part of that wasabout me?
What part of that do I need toown?
What part of that was really mydoing, right?

(08:27):
So look inward instead ofoutward.
When you look at your spouse,like, are there like 50 things
that they need to change for youto be happy, right?
Well, that's never going tohappen and you're going to be
miserable and unhappy.
If that's your thought, what ifyour spouse is who they are

(08:48):
today and they never change?
Do you want to be married tothem?
Can you love them.
Can you accept them Not sayingthat they won't ever change, but
unless you can get to, I lovethem just how they are today.
They don't take out the garbage.
They're unhelpful.
Whatever your gripes are aboutthem or complaints, the problem

(09:12):
is you become so fixated on themneeding to change in order for
you to be happy that you'llnever find happiness and you'll
be miserable and stuck in thatcycle for a long time.
So instead of focusing on whatyour partner needs to change, I
want you to go inward and say,okay, what are some behaviors

(09:32):
I'm contributing to my marriage,or what are the emotional needs
I have?
This can just help you look atyourself like, oh, maybe if I
changed how I asked them, ormaybe I need to bring them.
We need to have a conversation.
Right, don't come from blame.

(09:53):
Come from curiosity orcompassion or a different
emotion to get the same result.
But I promise that will helpyou get the result way more than
blame will.
Okay, because the person'sgoing to feel criticized.
There's resentment there and alot of defensiveness when blame

(10:14):
is involved.
So when you have this one up,one down dynamic, it's because
someone the person that's in theone up thinks they're always
right, like they're in, like I'mright and you're wrong, I'm
better than you.
They have this superior thought.
They need to have a sense ofcontrol and power, right, and so

(10:39):
this is very unhealthy.
And so, instead, what if youcould create a dynamic?
That, what if you're both right?
What if you're also both wrong?
That, what if you're both right?
What if you're also both wrong?
Like, could you consider tryingit their way?
Like, what if there is I knowthis many ways to load a

(11:01):
dishwasher?
There are many ways to dolaundry right.
There are many ways to take outthe garbage.
There are many ways to vacuum,like those things, I think, the
little things in our life.
We tend to make them big things.
There are many ways to get hometo your house, right, but we

(11:22):
sometimes get fixated like no,this is the only way, this is
the right way, and then itcauses us to feel like superior.
And then, if you are thisperson, if you are the person
that you are, more one up,consider what are you trying to
control?
What are you willing to let goof?
What are you willing toconsider Like, okay, maybe there

(11:46):
are several ways to do this.
Do you know there are severalways to parent a child, right To
change a diaper, to feed a baby, right.
We get so into, well, my way'sright and your way's wrong.
It's just very unhealthy foryour marriage and for your
relationship when we havemisplaced expectations, right,

(12:19):
right, we just will get stuck intrying to expect things that
really maybe our partner is notcapable or unwilling to do.
Then we get disappointed andfrustrated.
And I'm going to say humans, wedon't like to feel disappointed
at all.
We avoid feeling disappointment.
But really, if you could getgood at feeling disappointed, I
think your life would be a lotless disappointing because you

(12:43):
wouldn't be disappointed so muchwhich sounds contradictory, but
it's really true, right.
Because you also wouldn't havethese grand expectations of
someone either, because youwould know that wouldn't be
realistic or possible.
And allowing people to be whothey are I love.

(13:06):
So, of course, I'm not married,but I'm in my family dynamic
with my kids, and so I don'tlove grocery shopping and
cooking, and I think I've sharedthis before.
But my daughter does love tocook and she likes to go to the
grocery store.
She likes to meal plan, shelikes to go to the grocery store

(13:27):
, she likes to meal plan, and soI've released that to her right
.
The byproduct of that is she'smessy.
She doesn't like to clean upafter herself.
But I've decided you know what?
That's what I'm good at.
I can totally clean and do allthe dishes and I don't get mad
at her.

(13:47):
I let her make the biggest mess, right.
Like not let her, but like Idon't let that create any
frustration or disappointment.
I just know ahead of time like,oh, every time my daughter
cooks and goes to the grocerystore or whatever, like I may
have to help her put away thegroceries or it's going to be

(14:10):
messy.
So I just think being realisticabout we know who our people are
in our life, like they'restrong qualities and they're not
so strong qualities, and if Ithink I'm really good at cooking
, allowing other people in mylife to also have that
opportunity, but not sit thereand micromanage them right, and

(14:35):
you're just going to have a muchmore satisfying relationship
when you can get really clear onallowing people to disappoint
you or to do things differentlythan how you would do them.
So in order, I think to, if youwant to strengthen your

(14:56):
marriage or any type ofrelationship, stop focusing on
the idea of fixing someone right.
We all have good things aboutus and not so good things.
We have strengths and we haveweaknesses, right?
What if we focused more on oureach other's strengths and be

(15:17):
honest about our strengths andtalk about them and really lean
into those and hopefully, in acouple or a family, we all don't
have the same strengths and weall don't have the same
weaknesses.
But if that is true, right,maybe we need to hire someone or
have a friend help us, or youknow, there's lots of help out

(15:41):
there.
And so I just think the ideathat when you're rebuilding your
marriage especially ifbetrayals happened to not have
the idea I can only be happy ifthey change, I can only be happy
if this happens right, that'sjust going to not make you more

(16:04):
happy.
It's going to make you moremiserable and disappointed every
single time when they don't dosomething.
And the idea that you arebetter than your spouse is only
hurting you and your marriageand the idea that you're not as
good as your spouse is onlyhurting your marriage, your

(16:26):
partner and you.
So what if both things are true?
What if you guys are amazingand you're not so amazing?
What if both of those thingscould be true and you could
accept them, I think yourmarriage would be a lot more
amazing because you wouldn'thave these crazy expectations

(16:48):
and think like I can only behappy if they change.
If you need help with this, thisis complicated stuff, right
Like this is stuff our brain,our society has taught us for so
long that we have this ideathat it's our spouse's job to

(17:08):
make us happy.
It's our spouse's job, you know.
We have to look at all theirqualities that they need to
change in order for us to behappy.
But what if it's your job tomake yourself happy?
And I promise you're going tobe happier when you can get that
idea.
It's okay sometimes for yourspouse to be mad and irritated

(17:29):
and disappointed Doesn't meanyou have to be mad, irritated
and disappointed.
You could just feel whateveryou need to feel.
Allow yourself to do that.
I hope this was helpful.
If you need help and arestruggling and you really are
ready to start healing frombetrayal, reach out.
I'd love to chat.

(17:49):
Have a beautiful day and if youlike this podcast, please share
it with your family and friends.
If you want to learn how tolive happily, even after sign up
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work together.
And Facebook at happily evenafter coach.
Let's work together to createyour happily even after.