May 5, 2025 • 21 mins
Betrayal tears through more than just marriages—it fractures entire family systems. When divorce follows betrayal, many people discover they're not just losing a spouse but also relationships with in-laws they once considered family. This emotional double-loss often goes unacknowledged but carries its own profound grief.
Drawing from personal experience following my 26-year marriage, I explore the complicated terrain of navigating relationships with former in-laws after betrayal. The reality is that everyone affected—your parents who considered your ex a child, siblings who viewed them as family, and in-laws caught between loyalty to their child and caring for you—experiences their own form of grief and betrayal. These competing emotions create a complex web that requires thoughtful navigation.
The most healing approach starts with self-compassion and boundary-setting. You must protect your emotional well-being first, which might mean temporary or permanent distance from certain relationships. For my own healing, I needed space from my former mother-in-law who seemed to normalize the betrayal rather than acknowledge the pain it caused. This decision wasn't about punishment but self-protection during a vulnerable time. As your healing progresses, you might find, as I did, that some relationships can resume in modified form.
Children add another layer of complexity. They deserve relationships with extended family who love them, but not at the cost of their emotional safety. Open communication about expectations—like not speaking negatively about either parent—creates necessary guardrails. Remember that family gatherings are experiments; you can always adjust your approach based on how they affect you. Your healing journey deserves protection, even when others don't understand your boundaries. Subscribe for more guidance on recovering from betrayal and creating your happily even after.
Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.
Email me: hello@lifecoachjen.com for any comments or questions.
Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.
My website is www.lifecoachjen.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Welcome to my podcast .
Happily, even After.
I'm life coach, jen, I'mpassionate about helping people
recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only
(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today we begin to help you livehappily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast.
So today is another podcastepisode that someone wrote in
and asked me to talk aboutAshley.
Thank you, it's not my daughter, but it's a friend bizarrely
(00:56):
right Like Facebook just someonethat I knew in my past like
from, I think, my kid's schoolwho was getting a divorce
because of betrayal and shewanted to know how to deal with
losing family after divorce andbetrayal.
Such a great topic, right?
(01:18):
I think everyone's situation isdifferent, and so I know my
situation's different than I'mguessing Ashley's is.
Many of you probably livearound your family.
I mean, that feels like thecase.
I live in Utah.
A lot of people live by theirin-laws and their parents and
their five brothers and sistersand the aunts and uncles and
cousins, so there's a lot offamily dynamics there and I'm
(01:40):
sure that it's just reallychallenging.
And then my situation I don'tlive by my family at all or my
in-laws, and so maybe that was ablessing for me.
I don't know, but I did havesome.
I'll share some of myexperiences but kind of help you
.
And first of all, I just wantyou to acknowledge that, first
(02:05):
of all, getting divorced is sohard and to top it off, when
there has been betrayal, right,it is, I feel like, even harder,
right, there's so much pain.
So you have all this grief.
And then you have the grief offamily.
I was married for 26 years,right, so my mother-in-law I
(02:31):
know her very well.
She used to come to our housetwice a year for weeks, and so I
was the person at home makingsure she was taken care of and
all the things right.
So that was really.
It's a big shift I've noticedwith my parents.
My parents had to grieve losingtheir son-in-law, right, who
(02:54):
they considered their son for 26years, and the fact that what
he did, right, like his betrayal, felt like a betrayal to them
the lies, the betrayal.
So they have pain.
Then my brothers, who considermy former spouse their brother
(03:15):
have pain, right, I think,neighbors and friends.
There's a lot of betrayalhappening and a lot of grief and
a lot of pain, and I thinksometimes we think, like the
divorce, first of all, thebetrayal just affects the
husband and wife Lie, it's nottrue.
It affects so many people, I'mguessing.
(03:37):
First of all, it affected ourchildren, it affected neighbors,
it affected my family and Ihave a big family, like lots of
aunts and uncles and cousins.
They all knew my family.
They feel betrayed Now not atthe same level as I did, but
they still have feelings aboutit, right.
(03:57):
And then there's his family andthere's neighbors and friends,
anyways.
So I'm guessing coworkers,right, there's a lot of people
that are affected by betrayaland then divorce, okay.
So sometimes we think, oh, it'sjust affecting us.
No, that's not true.
So we have to allow otherpeople to feel however they want
(04:18):
to feel and however they needto feel, and we can't get caught
up in what they're doing, whatother people are doing.
We have to just focus onourselves and our healing, and
that is really hard, right.
But there are people that aregoing to say things that are
hurtful and blame, and, ofcourse, for me, my former spouse
(04:44):
has a different story of why wegot divorced and you know how
our marriage ended.
We have different viewpoints,we have different ideas and so
you know your ex is going tohear one whole side of the story
and your family's going to hearanother whole side of the story
and they get to choose whatthey want to believe.
(05:08):
If they want to ask the otherside, it's up to them.
But just realize it's messy andso the more you can just focus
on yourself, the better.
There is grief.
It is just like someone died.
I think it's harder.
To be honest, death is reallyhard because it's final, but a
(05:30):
divorce is just like verysimilar to death.
Right, you have to.
Your marriage died, okay, andit's devastating.
And with grief, there is angerand sadness and just a lot of
messy right.
So we have to just know it'sthis loss that you have to feel,
(05:54):
you have to mourn.
You have to allow other peopleto do whatever they want.
Now you can say you know what?
I don't want to hear it right,like my sweet dad he sometimes
calls my former spouse and Ilove my dad my dad has had a
stroke in 2018.
(06:14):
He, of course, totallyunderstands that.
My former spouse and I.
We got divorced and he gotremarried but he still will call
him and he wants to talk to himabout politics and the stock
market and all the things.
And the first time I found thisout I got really upset and I
(06:35):
was like, what do you mean?
You're calling him.
But then I realized you knowwhat it's okay Like if my dad
like I love my dad, dad, mydad's not doing it to hurt me.
He really loved my formerspouse and I think because of a
stroke like right, he justmisses him and he wants him to
(06:57):
know he loves him still.
And so I love my dad for thatbecause, okay, I was not
expecting to get emotional aboutthis, but I do.
I really appreciate my dadbecause he does.
He still loves my former spouse.
He, he still misses him, hestill wants that.
(07:21):
Now my mom does not feel thatway.
I think my mom is just supersad and disappointed, and so
I've just got to allow her tofeel that.
I've got to allow her to feelwhatever she has to feel, and so
it is a grief.
It's a grief for your kids, agrief for everyone, for me, for
my former mother-in-law.
I was very hurt.
(07:43):
I felt betrayed by her as well,because, you know, didn't get a
phone call, or, like I wasthinking, if my son did what her
son did, I would be calling hiswife, checking in on her, right
.
But what I would do and whatshe would do are clearly
different, and I can't want herto be me because she's not me,
(08:06):
she's her, and so I, for myself,I just had to say you know what
?
I can't have a relationshipwith you and I'm sorry but it's
too painful.
Now, that was at the beginning.
I have gone to dinner with herone time.
We've almost been divorced forthree years.
I did decide one time to go todinner with her and it was fine.
(08:29):
It was very superficial, right,like very surfacy, which I
think was fine for her, fine forme.
But I definitely am not havingthat deep relationship, right,
and that's sad.
Sad mostly, I think, for her,and I've just allowed my kids to
have whatever relationship theywant with her.
(08:50):
My former spouse didn't reallyhave a big family, so they live
in a different state and so itjust hasn't been an issue.
But I think if they live inyour same state and so it just
hasn't been an issue, but Ithink if they live in your same
state and they live by you.
You just have to allow everyoneto figure out what they want,
what kind of relationship theywant.
Whether your kids maybe, theystill want to go hang out with
(09:11):
their grandparents, becausethose are their grandparents,
are always going to be theirgrandparents, right?
So don't make it about you.
Let your kids, like, decide,right, everyone gets to have a
decision in this and this takestime.
So be really patient and kindand loving to yourself.
With grief, there's just lots ofemotions and so really just
(09:32):
focus on how you're feeling.
And if it feels unsafe, likefor me, I just had to tell my
mother-in-law like I just can'thave a relationship with you.
It was too painful because forme, I felt also betrayed by her
right In a different way,because I felt like she wasn't.
She was like almost in denialabout what her son had done and
(09:57):
thought it was totally fine,like great, that's what all
people do, right, they all haveaffairs and get divorced, and
right.
But I just thought, well, wait,that doesn't happen in my
family, right, that's not how I?
I don't agree with that.
So it just felt too painful,right, like now time is gone and
I've done lots more healing soI could go to dinner with her or
(10:19):
go to lunch.
So I just think you have tomake space for all those
emotions.
Have a lot of compassion foryourself, right?
The second we start judgingourselves, the worse the
situation gets, right, like whenI started kind of getting mad
at my dad, I just was like wait,I have to have compassion for
him and compassion for me.
(10:41):
And what does that look like?
And so I could let go of?
It's okay that he's calling myformer spouse, it's okay, it's
not dangerous.
Nothing's gone wrong here, it'stotally fine.
He's allowed to do that.
He's an adult.
He wants to still keep thatdoor opened, and that's okay.
(11:03):
I think it's really important toseek support, get help, because
this is tricky stuff, right,and I know, I mean, I've heard
horror stories of family members, things they've done and it's
really hurtful, right, you don'thave to read any text.
You don't have to allow someonein your house if you don't feel
(11:24):
safe, if you don't feelcomfortable, you can just say
you know what, it's not okay.
You have to protect you andyour kids.
If you need to heal for alittle bit, you don't have to
invite them anywhere and doanything.
You don't have to buy them agift anymore if you don't want
to right Like, you get to decidewhatever that looks like.
There's not a right or wrong wayin my opinion.
(11:45):
Now they might be telling youyou're doing it wrong, but you
got to just pay attention, trustyourself, to how you're
navigating it, because it'spainful, and especially I think
it's painful when the betrayedfamily can't at least
acknowledge what my son ordaughter did was really crappy.
(12:08):
Just say it right.
It's just nice to hear.
It would have been reallyhelpful for me to hear, right.
I think it would have beenhelpful for my kids to hear
their grandma just telling themlike, yeah, what your dad did
was bad, but I don't think shedid, because that would have
(12:29):
maybe meant something about herright, she hasn't done her work,
so who knows what she wouldhave thought.
But I just think, if you're therelative of the person and I get
it takes two people in amarriage, but when there's
betrayal that's one, and soacknowledging it at least, not
(12:51):
keeping it hidden under the rug,acknowledging wow, because I
know if this ever happens in mylife with my own children, I
will be calling their spouse, Iwill be talking to them?
I will be.
Of course, I'm going to alwayslove my son or daughter that's
(13:12):
besides the point.
But I'm also going to lovetheir partner, if they stay
married or not, but at leastacknowledge that what they did
was wrong.
How can I help you?
How can I support you?
How can I be there for you?
What do you need?
Right, because you're going toneed a lot of help, probably
because I've been through thatright.
But these are just somethoughts that I had.
Getting help, don't isolateyourself.
(13:32):
You can change your mind.
If you decide like, okay, sure,we can show up at Christmas and
Christmas turns out to beterrible that year, you can be
like you know what, next yearfor Christmas we're not going to
go to the in-laws.
I just can't do it.
That's okay.
You get to change your mindanytime you want.
You have permission to do that.
Make sure you're protectingyour safety and security, right,
(13:56):
and separating yourself.
It's important, right, if theyare coming over or being hurtful
to your kids, or telling yourkids like, well, just so you
know, your mom was X, y or Z andthat's why your dad had an
affair.
Well, okay, that's a lie andthat's gonna be really hurtful
for your kids.
Okay, that's a lie and that'sgoing to be really hurtful for
(14:17):
your kids.
So just be mindful of that andyou can just say, you know, talk
to your kids and then talk tothem.
We have to go to the root ofthe problem, right, don't shy
away from it.
This is your life and yourfamily, okay.
So just know this is hard,there's lots of grief, okay.
(14:40):
So just know this is hard,there's lots of grief, a lot of
emotions.
Try to step back, maybe get adifferent perspective from
someone.
That's neutral, right.
Unfortunately, with familiessometimes, you know, we say
things out of hurt or pain thatmaybe we shouldn't say sometimes
and then that's really hard totake back.
So sometimes families know morethan they probably would be
(15:01):
healthy to know.
But we can't change what we'vesaid, so we just have to maybe
acknowledge it, talk about it,have a discussion about it.
But you get to decide what kindof relationship and if you end
up having to cut off thatrelationship, you have to grieve
it.
It's hard, it's sad, it ishurtful.
(15:28):
I was devastated when I had tosend, but I knew for my mental
health and my healing I had tocut off my relationship with my
mother-in-law.
Now, like a year after that, Iwent to lunch with her, like I
said.
So it wasn't forever, it wasjust for then.
It was just in that moment.
It was too painful for me toknow that my mother-in-law, the
past 26 years it felt like, hadmeant nothing to her and that
(15:50):
she had just moved on to his newwife.
And that was hurtful.
That was my reality.
That might not have been thereality, but that's how I felt
and that caused me a lot of pain, and so I thought I can't do
this.
So make sure you're settinghealthy boundaries, paying
attention what you need, whatyour kids need.
Talk to them, ask them whatkind of relationship do they
(16:12):
want, right, it's important.
And especially if they'readults, remember they get to
decide whatever kind ofrelationship do they want, right
, it's important.
And especially if they'readults, remember they get to
decide whatever kind ofrelationship they want.
Eventually, you know, it maywork itself out.
Some people are more obnoxiousthan others.
I mean there's some crazymother-in-laws out there, right,
and father-in-laws and crazyparents, right?
(16:35):
We all have our own issues thatwe're all navigating.
So just decide whatever is bestfor you, and if you don't know
what you need.
You need to get help so you canfigure it out.
You need to have a neutralparty to help you navigate this.
Because it is complicated okay,because there's lots of
(16:57):
different people in the scenarioand maybe set some goals, set
some, you know, try something,experiment, view it as an
experiment.
Like, okay, we're going to tryto go to Uncle Fred's house for
Thanksgiving, see if we canhandle it right.
I mean, I hear stories that theparents are trying to get the
couple back together and thenthey sabotage and, you know,
(17:21):
secretly invite everyone over,like, hopefully, if that happens
, you know that's sad.
That says something about thepeople doing it right.
It's not about you.
It's okay.
If you don't want to be in thesame room as your ex, you're
100% you don't need to be Untilyou can have a regulated nervous
(17:41):
system, right, it's going to bereally hard to be in the same
room as them.
Just because you don't want tobe, that doesn't mean anything's
gone wrong.
You're not broken.
You just haven't healed enoughyet and you can eventually get
there if you want.
But you might not want to, andif someone else doesn't agree
with that, it's none of theirbusiness.
(18:01):
So just remember that.
So just really have lots ofcompassion.
Make sure you're going throughthe grieving process.
Decide today what kind ofrelationship you want with your
in-laws and decide.
Okay, maybe I'm gonna rethinkthis in six months or a year or
tomorrow, right, like you get todecide, but just experiment to
(18:23):
see what feels most authentic toyou, what feels best for you
and your kids.
Okay, and remember, if yourkids are older, let them have a
say, because they might wannastill hang out with grandma and
grandpa, and that's okay ortheir aunts and uncles the more
people that can love our kids,the better.
But if they're going over thereand they're hearing all these
(18:45):
stories about you're doing itwrong or something.
Maybe have the conversation.
Like, I want my kids to comeover to your house but we can't
talk about me.
That's just just very immature,okay.
So I hope this was helpful.
I'm so grateful that Ashleyasked this question.
I think we all learned from it.
I know I did.
(19:05):
I hadn't thought about thistopic before because it hasn't
really affected me in my owndivorce situation.
I mean, it for sure has, butnot to the extent I know that it
probably has for her or manyother people that have their
family living down the street,or every Sunday they go to
(19:26):
dinner, or every holiday they'retogether.
Right, that just wasn't myexperience with my own family.
So have a beautiful day.
If you like this podcast,please share it with your family
and friends and I will talk toyou next week.
If you want to learn how tolive happily even after sign up
for my email at hello atlifecoachjenwith1ncom, follow me
(19:49):
on Instagram and Facebook atHappily Even After.
Coach, let's work together tocreate your happily even after.
Welcome to my podcast .
Happily, even After.
I'm life coach, jen, I'mpassionate about helping people
recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only
(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today we begin to help you livehappily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast.
So today is another podcastepisode that someone wrote in
and asked me to talk aboutAshley.
Thank you, it's not my daughter, but it's a friend bizarrely
(00:56):
right Like Facebook just someonethat I knew in my past like
from, I think, my kid's schoolwho was getting a divorce
because of betrayal and shewanted to know how to deal with
losing family after divorce andbetrayal.
Such a great topic, right?
(01:18):
I think everyone's situation isdifferent, and so I know my
situation's different than I'mguessing Ashley's is.
Many of you probably livearound your family.
I mean, that feels like thecase.
I live in Utah.
A lot of people live by theirin-laws and their parents and
their five brothers and sistersand the aunts and uncles and
cousins, so there's a lot offamily dynamics there and I'm
(01:40):
sure that it's just reallychallenging.
And then my situation I don'tlive by my family at all or my
in-laws, and so maybe that was ablessing for me.
I don't know, but I did havesome.
I'll share some of myexperiences but kind of help you
.
And first of all, I just wantyou to acknowledge that, first
(02:05):
of all, getting divorced is sohard and to top it off, when
there has been betrayal, right,it is, I feel like, even harder,
right, there's so much pain.
So you have all this grief.
And then you have the grief offamily.
I was married for 26 years,right, so my mother-in-law I
(02:31):
know her very well.
She used to come to our housetwice a year for weeks, and so I
was the person at home makingsure she was taken care of and
all the things right.
So that was really.
It's a big shift I've noticedwith my parents.
My parents had to grieve losingtheir son-in-law, right, who
(02:54):
they considered their son for 26years, and the fact that what
he did, right, like his betrayal, felt like a betrayal to them
the lies, the betrayal.
So they have pain.
Then my brothers, who considermy former spouse their brother
(03:15):
have pain, right, I think,neighbors and friends.
There's a lot of betrayalhappening and a lot of grief and
a lot of pain, and I thinksometimes we think, like the
divorce, first of all, thebetrayal just affects the
husband and wife Lie, it's nottrue.
It affects so many people, I'mguessing.
(03:37):
First of all, it affected ourchildren, it affected neighbors,
it affected my family and Ihave a big family, like lots of
aunts and uncles and cousins.
They all knew my family.
They feel betrayed Now not atthe same level as I did, but
they still have feelings aboutit, right.
(03:57):
And then there's his family andthere's neighbors and friends,
anyways.
So I'm guessing coworkers,right, there's a lot of people
that are affected by betrayaland then divorce, okay.
So sometimes we think, oh, it'sjust affecting us.
No, that's not true.
So we have to allow otherpeople to feel however they want
(04:18):
to feel and however they needto feel, and we can't get caught
up in what they're doing, whatother people are doing.
We have to just focus onourselves and our healing, and
that is really hard, right.
But there are people that aregoing to say things that are
hurtful and blame, and, ofcourse, for me, my former spouse
(04:44):
has a different story of why wegot divorced and you know how
our marriage ended.
We have different viewpoints,we have different ideas and so
you know your ex is going tohear one whole side of the story
and your family's going to hearanother whole side of the story
and they get to choose whatthey want to believe.
(05:08):
If they want to ask the otherside, it's up to them.
But just realize it's messy andso the more you can just focus
on yourself, the better.
There is grief.
It is just like someone died.
I think it's harder.
To be honest, death is reallyhard because it's final, but a
(05:30):
divorce is just like verysimilar to death.
Right, you have to.
Your marriage died, okay, andit's devastating.
And with grief, there is angerand sadness and just a lot of
messy right.
So we have to just know it'sthis loss that you have to feel,
(05:54):
you have to mourn.
You have to allow other peopleto do whatever they want.
Now you can say you know what?
I don't want to hear it right,like my sweet dad he sometimes
calls my former spouse and Ilove my dad my dad has had a
stroke in 2018.
(06:14):
He, of course, totallyunderstands that.
My former spouse and I.
We got divorced and he gotremarried but he still will call
him and he wants to talk to himabout politics and the stock
market and all the things.
And the first time I found thisout I got really upset and I
(06:35):
was like, what do you mean?
You're calling him.
But then I realized you knowwhat it's okay Like if my dad
like I love my dad, dad, mydad's not doing it to hurt me.
He really loved my formerspouse and I think because of a
stroke like right, he justmisses him and he wants him to
(06:57):
know he loves him still.
And so I love my dad for thatbecause, okay, I was not
expecting to get emotional aboutthis, but I do.
I really appreciate my dadbecause he does.
He still loves my former spouse.
He, he still misses him, hestill wants that.
(07:21):
Now my mom does not feel thatway.
I think my mom is just supersad and disappointed, and so
I've just got to allow her tofeel that.
I've got to allow her to feelwhatever she has to feel, and so
it is a grief.
It's a grief for your kids, agrief for everyone, for me, for
my former mother-in-law.
I was very hurt.
(07:43):
I felt betrayed by her as well,because, you know, didn't get a
phone call, or, like I wasthinking, if my son did what her
son did, I would be calling hiswife, checking in on her, right
.
But what I would do and whatshe would do are clearly
different, and I can't want herto be me because she's not me,
(08:06):
she's her, and so I, for myself,I just had to say you know what
?
I can't have a relationshipwith you and I'm sorry but it's
too painful.
Now, that was at the beginning.
I have gone to dinner with herone time.
We've almost been divorced forthree years.
I did decide one time to go todinner with her and it was fine.
(08:29):
It was very superficial, right,like very surfacy, which I
think was fine for her, fine forme.
But I definitely am not havingthat deep relationship, right,
and that's sad.
Sad mostly, I think, for her,and I've just allowed my kids to
have whatever relationship theywant with her.
(08:50):
My former spouse didn't reallyhave a big family, so they live
in a different state and so itjust hasn't been an issue.
But I think if they live inyour same state and so it just
hasn't been an issue, but Ithink if they live in your same
state and they live by you.
You just have to allow everyoneto figure out what they want,
what kind of relationship theywant.
Whether your kids maybe, theystill want to go hang out with
(09:11):
their grandparents, becausethose are their grandparents,
are always going to be theirgrandparents, right?
So don't make it about you.
Let your kids, like, decide,right, everyone gets to have a
decision in this and this takestime.
So be really patient and kindand loving to yourself.
With grief, there's just lots ofemotions and so really just
(09:32):
focus on how you're feeling.
And if it feels unsafe, likefor me, I just had to tell my
mother-in-law like I just can'thave a relationship with you.
It was too painful because forme, I felt also betrayed by her
right In a different way,because I felt like she wasn't.
She was like almost in denialabout what her son had done and
(09:57):
thought it was totally fine,like great, that's what all
people do, right, they all haveaffairs and get divorced, and
right.
But I just thought, well, wait,that doesn't happen in my
family, right, that's not how I?
I don't agree with that.
So it just felt too painful,right, like now time is gone and
I've done lots more healing soI could go to dinner with her or
(10:19):
go to lunch.
So I just think you have tomake space for all those
emotions.
Have a lot of compassion foryourself, right?
The second we start judgingourselves, the worse the
situation gets, right, like whenI started kind of getting mad
at my dad, I just was like wait,I have to have compassion for
him and compassion for me.
(10:41):
And what does that look like?
And so I could let go of?
It's okay that he's calling myformer spouse, it's okay, it's
not dangerous.
Nothing's gone wrong here, it'stotally fine.
He's allowed to do that.
He's an adult.
He wants to still keep thatdoor opened, and that's okay.
(11:03):
I think it's really important toseek support, get help, because
this is tricky stuff, right,and I know, I mean, I've heard
horror stories of family members, things they've done and it's
really hurtful, right, you don'thave to read any text.
You don't have to allow someonein your house if you don't feel
(11:24):
safe, if you don't feelcomfortable, you can just say
you know what, it's not okay.
You have to protect you andyour kids.
If you need to heal for alittle bit, you don't have to
invite them anywhere and doanything.
You don't have to buy them agift anymore if you don't want
to right Like, you get to decidewhatever that looks like.
There's not a right or wrong wayin my opinion.
(11:45):
Now they might be telling youyou're doing it wrong, but you
got to just pay attention, trustyourself, to how you're
navigating it, because it'spainful, and especially I think
it's painful when the betrayedfamily can't at least
acknowledge what my son ordaughter did was really crappy.
(12:08):
Just say it right.
It's just nice to hear.
It would have been reallyhelpful for me to hear, right.
I think it would have beenhelpful for my kids to hear
their grandma just telling themlike, yeah, what your dad did
was bad, but I don't think shedid, because that would have
(12:29):
maybe meant something about herright, she hasn't done her work,
so who knows what she wouldhave thought.
But I just think, if you're therelative of the person and I get
it takes two people in amarriage, but when there's
betrayal that's one, and soacknowledging it at least, not
(12:51):
keeping it hidden under the rug,acknowledging wow, because I
know if this ever happens in mylife with my own children, I
will be calling their spouse, Iwill be talking to them?
I will be.
Of course, I'm going to alwayslove my son or daughter that's
(13:12):
besides the point.
But I'm also going to lovetheir partner, if they stay
married or not, but at leastacknowledge that what they did
was wrong.
How can I help you?
How can I support you?
How can I be there for you?
What do you need?
Right, because you're going toneed a lot of help, probably
because I've been through thatright.
But these are just somethoughts that I had.
Getting help, don't isolateyourself.
(13:32):
You can change your mind.
If you decide like, okay, sure,we can show up at Christmas and
Christmas turns out to beterrible that year, you can be
like you know what, next yearfor Christmas we're not going to
go to the in-laws.
I just can't do it.
That's okay.
You get to change your mindanytime you want.
You have permission to do that.
Make sure you're protectingyour safety and security, right,
(13:56):
and separating yourself.
It's important, right, if theyare coming over or being hurtful
to your kids, or telling yourkids like, well, just so you
know, your mom was X, y or Z andthat's why your dad had an
affair.
Well, okay, that's a lie andthat's gonna be really hurtful
for your kids.
Okay, that's a lie and that'sgoing to be really hurtful for
(14:17):
your kids.
So just be mindful of that andyou can just say, you know, talk
to your kids and then talk tothem.
We have to go to the root ofthe problem, right, don't shy
away from it.
This is your life and yourfamily, okay.
So just know this is hard,there's lots of grief, okay.
(14:40):
So just know this is hard,there's lots of grief, a lot of
emotions.
Try to step back, maybe get adifferent perspective from
someone.
That's neutral, right.
Unfortunately, with familiessometimes, you know, we say
things out of hurt or pain thatmaybe we shouldn't say sometimes
and then that's really hard totake back.
So sometimes families know morethan they probably would be
(15:01):
healthy to know.
But we can't change what we'vesaid, so we just have to maybe
acknowledge it, talk about it,have a discussion about it.
But you get to decide what kindof relationship and if you end
up having to cut off thatrelationship, you have to grieve
it.
It's hard, it's sad, it ishurtful.
(15:28):
I was devastated when I had tosend, but I knew for my mental
health and my healing I had tocut off my relationship with my
mother-in-law.
Now, like a year after that, Iwent to lunch with her, like I
said.
So it wasn't forever, it wasjust for then.
It was just in that moment.
It was too painful for me toknow that my mother-in-law, the
past 26 years it felt like, hadmeant nothing to her and that
(15:50):
she had just moved on to his newwife.
And that was hurtful.
That was my reality.
That might not have been thereality, but that's how I felt
and that caused me a lot of pain, and so I thought I can't do
this.
So make sure you're settinghealthy boundaries, paying
attention what you need, whatyour kids need.
Talk to them, ask them whatkind of relationship do they
(16:12):
want, right, it's important.
And especially if they'readults, remember they get to
decide whatever kind ofrelationship do they want, right
, it's important.
And especially if they'readults, remember they get to
decide whatever kind ofrelationship they want.
Eventually, you know, it maywork itself out.
Some people are more obnoxiousthan others.
I mean there's some crazymother-in-laws out there, right,
and father-in-laws and crazyparents, right?
(16:35):
We all have our own issues thatwe're all navigating.
So just decide whatever is bestfor you, and if you don't know
what you need.
You need to get help so you canfigure it out.
You need to have a neutralparty to help you navigate this.
Because it is complicated okay,because there's lots of
(16:57):
different people in the scenarioand maybe set some goals, set
some, you know, try something,experiment, view it as an
experiment.
Like, okay, we're going to tryto go to Uncle Fred's house for
Thanksgiving, see if we canhandle it right.
I mean, I hear stories that theparents are trying to get the
couple back together and thenthey sabotage and, you know,
(17:21):
secretly invite everyone over,like, hopefully, if that happens
, you know that's sad.
That says something about thepeople doing it right.
It's not about you.
It's okay.
If you don't want to be in thesame room as your ex, you're
100% you don't need to be Untilyou can have a regulated nervous
(17:41):
system, right, it's going to bereally hard to be in the same
room as them.
Just because you don't want tobe, that doesn't mean anything's
gone wrong.
You're not broken.
You just haven't healed enoughyet and you can eventually get
there if you want.
But you might not want to, andif someone else doesn't agree
with that, it's none of theirbusiness.
(18:01):
So just remember that.
So just really have lots ofcompassion.
Make sure you're going throughthe grieving process.
Decide today what kind ofrelationship you want with your
in-laws and decide.
Okay, maybe I'm gonna rethinkthis in six months or a year or
tomorrow, right, like you get todecide, but just experiment to
(18:23):
see what feels most authentic toyou, what feels best for you
and your kids.
Okay, and remember, if yourkids are older, let them have a
say, because they might wannastill hang out with grandma and
grandpa, and that's okay ortheir aunts and uncles the more
people that can love our kids,the better.
But if they're going over thereand they're hearing all these
(18:45):
stories about you're doing itwrong or something.
Maybe have the conversation.
Like, I want my kids to comeover to your house but we can't
talk about me.
That's just just very immature,okay.
So I hope this was helpful.
I'm so grateful that Ashleyasked this question.
I think we all learned from it.
I know I did.
(19:05):
I hadn't thought about thistopic before because it hasn't
really affected me in my owndivorce situation.
I mean, it for sure has, butnot to the extent I know that it
probably has for her or manyother people that have their
family living down the street,or every Sunday they go to
(19:26):
dinner, or every holiday they'retogether.
Right, that just wasn't myexperience with my own family.
So have a beautiful day.
If you like this podcast,please share it with your family
and friends and I will talk toyou next week.
If you want to learn how tolive happily even after sign up
for my email at hello atlifecoachjenwith1ncom, follow me
(19:49):
on Instagram and Facebook atHappily Even After.
Coach, let's work together tocreate your happily even after.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!