March 24, 2025 • 24 mins
What if the fear of abandonment is silently controlling your relationships? Join me on "Happily, even After" as we unravel the profound impact of abandonment trauma, particularly in the painful aftermath of betrayal and divorce. As a trauma-informed life coach, I guide you through embracing and processing these intense emotions rather than burying them. Discover the importance of not abandoning yourself during these challenging times and learn how self-awareness can become your most powerful tool for healing. Together, we will explore how emotional instability, insecurity, and a fear of intimacy can sabotage your personal growth and your connections with others, including your children.
In this episode, I promise you insights into how abandonment issues can impact your ability to form and maintain deep emotional connections. Let's talk about the self-sabotaging behaviors that might arise from these fears, such as pushing loved ones away or becoming overly dependent in search of reassurance. We'll tackle the roots of low self-esteem and chronic self-doubt linked to past abandonment and how they can lead to trust issues and emotional isolation. You'll leave this episode with a guide to breaking these unhealthy patterns and finding strength and fulfillment in your relationships and personal journey.
Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.
Email me: hello@lifecoachjen.com for any comments or questions.
Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.
My website is www.lifecoachjen.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Welcome to my podcast Happily, even After.
I'm life coach, jen, I'mpassionate about helping people
recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only
(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today we begin to help you livehappily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast.
Okay, we have another heavyhitter here.
I'm going to talk aboutabandonment and the reason why,
and it kind of I mean a littlebit of attachment theory, right,
(00:54):
a lot of abandonment inbetrayal and especially if you
get divorced, a lot of peoplefeel like their spouse abandoned
them.
So I get it.
I have felt this feeling.
I'm going to call it a feelingas well, as I guess it's also an
action, right?
(01:15):
An abandonment is the act ofleaving someone or something
behind or ending something.
It can also refer to theemotional state of feeling left
behind, insecure or undesired.
I think the feeling is muchmore prevalent in an affair and
(01:35):
betrayal.
So if you feel this way, if yousay this, I get it.
And also I'm going to sayabandonment can be very
traumatic.
It's a form of trauma.
It's an emotional response tobeing neglected or emotionally
or physically abandoned.
(01:56):
Okay, so it is real, likefeeling abandoned is a real
feeling, a real emotion.
I don't want you to resist itor avoid it.
I want you to feel it.
I want you to acknowledge it'sthere.
You don't have to beembarrassed or ashamed for
feeling abandoned.
I get it, especially in divorce, in betrayal.
(02:20):
They didn't choose me, theychose someone else, right, so it
is a real feeling.
However, if you are an adultlistening to this, just know the
person that you need to focuson abandoning is yourself.
Right, don't abandon yourself.
(02:40):
This is how you do the work.
How you heal okay, becausesomeone yes, if you had a
caregiver that, like left you dothe work.
How you heal okay, becausesomeone yes, if you had a
caregiver that, like left you onthe side of the road and didn't
ever come back, that's adifferent something and that
needs to be healed and dealtwith and experienced.
Okay, that's very traumatic,but as an adult, no one can
(03:03):
really abandon you.
Okay, I just want you toconsider if that's true and also
how you talk to your kids.
Right, I know my children feelabandoned, I've said.
When my spouse left, heliterally took his clothes and
walked out the door after 26years of marriage and four kids,
(03:27):
and that felt very hurtful.
I felt like he walked out on usand left his entire life, his
past life, behind and completelystarted a new life with this
other girl.
So we like to dramatize ourlives and our experiences.
Right, we like to make ourpoint Okay, that thought, that
(03:49):
experience served me for a while.
And now does it question doesit serve you anymore now?
Is it still helpful to thinkthat thought?
For me, no, it is not helpful.
It is not moving me forward.
I have a lot of clients thatthey feel abandoned and I get it
, I totally.
(04:10):
I just want you to know it'sokay that you feel that way, but
you don't have to feel that wayforever and you don't have to
label yourself that you'reabandoned, okay.
So some signs that you haveabandonment issues Now, because
the thing is why we need torecognize this.
It might cause problems in yourlife, in your future, in your
(04:33):
present right.
How are you showing up today?
How is it going to affectfuture relationships?
I find so many people.
They just rush into gettingremarried because they have so
much fear of being alone.
Then they never deal with theirissues, and abandonment is a
huge issue, especially indivorce, especially in betrayal.
So it's something to healbefore you jump into something
(04:59):
else.
Abandonment can present in manyways right.
There's not just like, oh, ifyou've been abandoned, this is
what you do or don't do, right.
No, there's lots of differentthings that can happen and
people have from their past,maybe their childhood, okay.
So I'm just going to talk about11 of them.
(05:19):
The first one is emotionalinstability and insecurity.
So something that abandonmentcan cause abandonment trauma is
emotional instability.
Individuals who have experiencedabandonment often struggle with
intense and fluctuatingemotions.
They live with a constant senseof insecurity, fearing that
(05:43):
those they care about will leave.
This fear can result in ananxiety disorder, particularly
in relationships, as they worryabout rejection or abandonment.
Even minor changes in others'behaviors may be interpreted as
a threat, making them overlysensitive to perceived slights.
(06:04):
So if you find yourselfexperiencing any of those things
, if you feel very emotionallyunstable, very insecure in all
your relationships, just payattention okay, awareness is
your friend and explore and askyourself questions.
(06:25):
Is this true?
That's why having a coach or atherapist is so helpful is
because you can work throughthese things so it doesn't have
to take you and affect yourwhole life.
Okay, because especially inbetrayal and divorce, these
things are real and notice itfor your kids.
(06:47):
I can already read some ofthese.
The things I want to talk aboutthat I've been studying are
definitely how my kids, how ithas affected them.
Fear of intimacy and commitment,abandonment trauma frequently
leads to difficulties in formingclose, intimate relationships.
Now, you may not experiencethis until you decide, okay, I
(07:12):
want to start dating.
And then it comes up.
That's why I really like newexperiences, because things
trigger you and you're like, oh,I didn't know, I still had that
to deal with.
And well, now you do know, andso then you can work on that.
Okay, we always are constantlygrowing and learning and doing.
(07:35):
Fear of being hurt or left againoften causes individuals to
avoid deep emotional connections.
This avoidance may manifest asa reluctance to commit to
long-term relationships.
We all know people that justcan't commit.
Right, it seems to be a problem.
I don't want to label it as aproblem, it just seems to be
going on a lot.
(07:57):
You know, on social media, somany people like in their 30s.
They talk like commitment.
I've been dating this guy forfive years and I want to get
married like there just seems tobe a lot of commitment issues,
and maybe some of it comes fromthis abandonment.
In some cases, self-sabotagingbehaviors such as pushing
(08:18):
partners away or prematurelyending relationships serve as a
protective mechanism.
Others may move quickly fromone relationship to another to
avoid confronting feelings ofvulnerability or rejection.
So I think abandonment issuescause a lot of problems in our
society these days.
(08:39):
There's a lot of unhealedwounds, unhealed traumas that we
haven't acknowledged and wejust call them something else or
think, oh, that's just the wayI am, but if we could dig a
little deeper?
Right, anytime these thingscome up, I always think okay,
that's protecting you fromsomething that's a little deeper
(09:00):
inside of you.
The third one clinginess anddependency.
Conversely, abandonment traumacan also result in clinginess
and dependency.
That's a hard word to say.
Those affected may feel anoverwhelming need for constant
reassurance and validation fromtheir partners or friends.
(09:21):
This dependency often stemsfrom a fear that, without
frequent contact or affirmation,they will be abandoned again.
Such behaviors may includeexcessive demands for attention,
reluctance to spend time aloneand difficulty tolerating
separations.
So if this is something thatyou are like, oh, that's kind of
(09:43):
me.
Just pay attention and decideokay, you've really got to work
through like are you going to beabandoned?
No, you're not.
And work through askingyourself questions, figuring out
what inside of you, where isthis coming from?
And then you can totally healfrom all of this.
(10:05):
Number four low self-esteem andfeelings of worthlessness.
Low self-esteem is commonconsequence of abandonment.
Trauma, right, like, oh, theyleft me.
I must not have been goodenough.
Like so many people were.
Like, I just must not have beengood enough.
That's why they left me.
And I just think that isridiculous.
(10:25):
Right, yes, you were goodenough, but you weren't good
enough for someone to have aside chick or a side guy on the
you know.
No, they were not good enoughfor you.
But our society, we have somany of these stories that we
tell ourselves like, oh, theymust not have left, I must not
have been a good enough wife.
No, you were the perfect wife,you were the perfect mom, you
(10:53):
were the perfect daughter,you're the perfect friend.
It was their issue why theyleft.
It was not about you.
The second you start making itabout you, it just isn't about
you.
This is about them.
What caused them to do thisright?
And we may never know theanswer, and that's okay to do
this right and we may never knowthe answer, and that's okay.
But this moment you startputting it on you, that is going
to be a problem, right, and itis going to cause a low
(11:14):
self-esteem.
If you don't think you're goodenough, just want you to believe
you are good enough.
You are worthy.
Many individuals internalizetheir experiences, blaming
themselves for the abandonmentand believing they are unworthy
of love or care.
This negative self-perceptioncan lead to chronic feelings of
inadequacy and self-doubt, whichmay affect their personal and
(11:37):
professional lives.
Abandonment trauma often leavesindividuals questioning their
own value, contributing toongoing struggles with
relationships, careers andself-image.
So if you struggle withself-esteem, I just want you to
know you can get your confidenceback.
It's going to take work, it'sgoing to take practice, but that
(11:57):
is your job to do right, andthe more you do that, the more
aware you'll be like the affairwas not about you.
That that is something I wantour society to stop blaming the
person that was betrayed and itwas the betrayer.
It wasn't even the other womanor the other man.
(12:18):
It was the betrayer.
It was their issues why theydid what they did.
And yes, it hurt you and yes itwas harmful, but don't let it
ruin your life.
Don't become the victim oftheir bad behavior and poor
choices.
Trust issues this is a big onetoo.
(12:38):
Being let down by a criticalfigure can lead to difficulty
trusting others.
For people with abandonmenttrauma.
Okay, just know, we all have itright, we all have some
abandonment issues.
I think we all have experience,whether a friend stopped
talking to us, a boyfriend inthe eighth grade broke up with
us, or our mom forgot us at thestore or whatever like right.
(13:02):
There's lots of ways we couldfeel abandoned in our life.
Our dad left our family, ourmom left our family, a teacher
left I mean, there's just somany issues.
But the trust that's animportant one.
Okay, survivors may feelsuspicious of people's
intentions, constantly fearingbetrayal or deception.
(13:25):
Intentions constantly fearingbetrayal or deception.
That's why healing is soimportant, because if you are
unhealed and try to get in arelationship, it's going to be
really hard to trust someone.
The person you have to learn totrust is yourself.
This mistrust can make itchallenging to open up and build
meaningful relationships, oftenleading to emotional isolation.
(13:47):
So if you're listening to thisand you're like this is really
affecting my life, there is help.
You can totally get help forfeeling abandoned.
Number six unhealthy or unstablerelationship patterns.
Those with abandonment traumaoften find themselves in
relationships that mirror thedynamics of their original
(14:09):
abandonment.
So, whether it was your family,old boyfriend, okay, for
example, they may unconsciouslychoose partners who are
emotionally unavailable or proneto leaving, perpetuating a
cycle of pain and reinforcingfeelings of unworthiness due to
low self-esteem.
These patterns can be difficultto recognize, but are vital to
(14:33):
breaking free from the trauma'sgrip.
So if you recognize like oh, Ialways date someone that is like
this, you need to get help.
You need to figure this out soyou can stop the cycle.
Number seven emotional numbnessand detachment.
In an attempt to protectourselves from further pain,
(14:53):
individuals with abandonmenttrauma may shut down emotionally
and realize, like this ishappening in your nervous system
, inside your body, okay, whereall your emotions are stored.
So your nervous system is goingto go to freeze, right?
That's what emotional numbnessis You're unable to feel and
(15:15):
we're going to detach, meaningwe're living our life, yet we're
not totally consciously there.
If you've experienced this, Ihave totally experienced a lot
of my life, emotionally detachedand numb, which is really sad
to me, but awareness helped menot be that way anymore.
(15:37):
But just know it's protectingyou.
Your body is protecting youbecause what you experienced was
so painful, but this makes itdifficult to form meaningful
connections.
Burying their emotional needsfeels as though it protects them
from repeated patterns of abuseand interpersonal relationships
.
Right, so we're doing this.
(15:59):
Our body, our nervous system isdoing this to protect us.
However, we're not going to beable to have a good connected
relationship and, especially inbetrayal, it causes us to go
inward and freeze many timesChronic feelings of loneliness,
despite being surrounded bypeople.
Many individuals withabandonment trauma experience
(16:21):
pervasive loneliness.
The deep-seated fear ofpotential abandonment can make
it hard for them to feel trulyconnected to others, leaving
social interactions feelingsuperficial and unsatisfying.
Number nine hypervigilance Allthese things I think if you have
experienced betrayal, I feellike I'm reading all of them and
(16:44):
I've experienced all of them insome form or another.
That's why it's important toheal and acknowledge that the
person that you definitely can'tabandon is yourself.
Okay, hypervigilance is anothercommon sign of abandonment
wound.
Those affected may constantlymonitor their environment and
(17:06):
relationships for potentialsigns of abandonment.
This heightened alertness canbe exhausting and lead to
chronic stress and emotionalpain as they remain on guard for
their next perceived rejectionor loss.
And I find this a lot in whensomeone is trying to repair
their marriage and they'reconstantly looking at their
spouse's phone for a textmessage when they're at, are
(17:28):
they telling the truth?
Hypervigilance is exhausting,but it's our brain, it's our
body, trying to protect us fromthe perceived danger of our
spouse having another affair.
Number 10, unhealthy copingmechanisms.
To manage their overwhelmingemotions and fears, individuals
(17:49):
with abandonment trauma mayadopt maladaptive coping
strategies.
These can include substanceabuse, overeating or engaging in
other addictive behaviors tonumb the pain or distract
themselves from abandonmentanxiety.
Unfortunately, these behaviorsoften exacerbate underlying
issues.
I see this all the time.
(18:10):
I myself used food.
That was how I buffered a lot,right, I think there's other
things I did, but food was mysource, which was hard, because
it's like my spouse was sofixated on what I looked like
that it was a huge issue, right.
So I would eat to try to feelbetter and then he would say
(18:33):
other really harmful, meanthings to me about me eating
that and my weight.
But a lot of people drinkalcohol, right, I call them
buffers.
People do lots of things and Iget it.
It's like it's so painful.
They're going to look at pornor smoke pot or spend lots of
(18:55):
money on credit cards, goshopping, gambling, like there's
lots of ways to buffer our way.
So it gives us that dopamineand helps us feel a little
better, yet it causes us so manyother problems.
Okay, the last one.
11.
Struggle with finding meaningto life.
Many survivors of abandonmenttrauma wrestle with questions of
(19:19):
purpose, of the purpose of life.
This struggle is sometimesexpressed as loss of faith or
spirituality or a sense ofexistential doubt.
They may find it challenging tocreate a sense of fulfillment,
often asking what's the point ofall of this?
And I really see this in mykids.
(19:39):
Our family, I would say, wasvery religious, went to church
every Sunday, did all the things, yet many of them have decided
God isn't real.
Why would God do this to myfamily?
Why would these people atchurch that said you know, do
(20:02):
the right thing, choose theright.
Yet when we're in a moment ofcrisis, they felt like had
turned their backs on mychildren, on our family.
Right, that is very painful.
I think a lot of people thathave really hard things in their
life that are completely out oftheir control, like betrayal or
(20:23):
divorce, especially for kids.
They feel abandoned, and it'sjust not abandoned by their
parents, but also maybe theirchurch group, their religion,
their God, and so there's lotsof layers to this, their God,
(20:43):
right, and so there's lots oflayers to this.
So I don't want you to think,oh, this is something easy.
But if you are feeling this wayand if you've experienced
betrayal I'm guessing one ofthese 11 things that I talked
about resonated with you, andmaybe three or four of them did
they're just important toacknowledge and then work
through and decide do I want tobelieve that anymore?
(21:06):
How can I heal this part of methat feels abandoned in this
area?
Right, because it's totallypossible to heal and to repair
and to not feel that way anymore.
You don't have to feelabandoned.
It's not this curse that's onyou.
I hope this was helpful.
(21:29):
I know this is hard stuff.
It is painful, it's hurtfulwhen someone does something to
you that feels so violating andjust like breaks the covenants
that they've made with you andthe promises and they do
something that is not what youagreed on.
(21:51):
It is painful, I get it.
However, let's decide that wedon't have to.
We can feel that pain and thenmove forward and create a
different outcome.
I just think sometimes we thinkour story is one way, and what
(22:11):
if you're wrong about that?
What if your new story is evenbetter than your last story?
I think that's totally possible.
Anyways, thanks so much forlistening.
If you've ever been interestedin having a coach, reach out.
I would love to be your coachand help you through all these
challenging things that betrayal, divorce, anything, kids, life
(22:34):
happens.
Have a beautiful day and I willtalk to you next week.
If you want to learn how tolive happily, even after, sign
up for my email at hello.
Have a beautiful day and I willtalk to you next week.
Welcome to my podcast Happily, even After.
I'm life coach, jen, I'mpassionate about helping people
recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only
(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today we begin to help you livehappily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast.
Okay, we have another heavyhitter here.
I'm going to talk aboutabandonment and the reason why,
and it kind of I mean a littlebit of attachment theory, right,
(00:54):
a lot of abandonment inbetrayal and especially if you
get divorced, a lot of peoplefeel like their spouse abandoned
them.
So I get it.
I have felt this feeling.
I'm going to call it a feelingas well, as I guess it's also an
action, right?
(01:15):
An abandonment is the act ofleaving someone or something
behind or ending something.
It can also refer to theemotional state of feeling left
behind, insecure or undesired.
I think the feeling is muchmore prevalent in an affair and
(01:35):
betrayal.
So if you feel this way, if yousay this, I get it.
And also I'm going to sayabandonment can be very
traumatic.
It's a form of trauma.
It's an emotional response tobeing neglected or emotionally
or physically abandoned.
(01:56):
Okay, so it is real, likefeeling abandoned is a real
feeling, a real emotion.
I don't want you to resist itor avoid it.
I want you to feel it.
I want you to acknowledge it'sthere.
You don't have to beembarrassed or ashamed for
feeling abandoned.
I get it, especially in divorce, in betrayal.
(02:20):
They didn't choose me, theychose someone else, right, so it
is a real feeling.
However, if you are an adultlistening to this, just know the
person that you need to focuson abandoning is yourself.
Right, don't abandon yourself.
(02:40):
This is how you do the work.
How you heal okay, becausesomeone yes, if you had a
caregiver that, like left you dothe work.
How you heal okay, becausesomeone yes, if you had a
caregiver that, like left you onthe side of the road and didn't
ever come back, that's adifferent something and that
needs to be healed and dealtwith and experienced.
Okay, that's very traumatic,but as an adult, no one can
(03:03):
really abandon you.
Okay, I just want you toconsider if that's true and also
how you talk to your kids.
Right, I know my children feelabandoned, I've said.
When my spouse left, heliterally took his clothes and
walked out the door after 26years of marriage and four kids,
(03:27):
and that felt very hurtful.
I felt like he walked out on usand left his entire life, his
past life, behind and completelystarted a new life with this
other girl.
So we like to dramatize ourlives and our experiences.
Right, we like to make ourpoint Okay, that thought, that
(03:49):
experience served me for a while.
And now does it question doesit serve you anymore now?
Is it still helpful to thinkthat thought?
For me, no, it is not helpful.
It is not moving me forward.
I have a lot of clients thatthey feel abandoned and I get it
, I totally.
(04:10):
I just want you to know it'sokay that you feel that way, but
you don't have to feel that wayforever and you don't have to
label yourself that you'reabandoned, okay.
So some signs that you haveabandonment issues Now, because
the thing is why we need torecognize this.
It might cause problems in yourlife, in your future, in your
(04:33):
present right.
How are you showing up today?
How is it going to affectfuture relationships?
I find so many people.
They just rush into gettingremarried because they have so
much fear of being alone.
Then they never deal with theirissues, and abandonment is a
huge issue, especially indivorce, especially in betrayal.
So it's something to healbefore you jump into something
(04:59):
else.
Abandonment can present in manyways right.
There's not just like, oh, ifyou've been abandoned, this is
what you do or don't do, right.
No, there's lots of differentthings that can happen and
people have from their past,maybe their childhood, okay.
So I'm just going to talk about11 of them.
(05:19):
The first one is emotionalinstability and insecurity.
So something that abandonmentcan cause abandonment trauma is
emotional instability.
Individuals who have experiencedabandonment often struggle with
intense and fluctuatingemotions.
They live with a constant senseof insecurity, fearing that
(05:43):
those they care about will leave.
This fear can result in ananxiety disorder, particularly
in relationships, as they worryabout rejection or abandonment.
Even minor changes in others'behaviors may be interpreted as
a threat, making them overlysensitive to perceived slights.
(06:04):
So if you find yourselfexperiencing any of those things
, if you feel very emotionallyunstable, very insecure in all
your relationships, just payattention okay, awareness is
your friend and explore and askyourself questions.
(06:25):
Is this true?
That's why having a coach or atherapist is so helpful is
because you can work throughthese things so it doesn't have
to take you and affect yourwhole life.
Okay, because especially inbetrayal and divorce, these
things are real and notice itfor your kids.
(06:47):
I can already read some ofthese.
The things I want to talk aboutthat I've been studying are
definitely how my kids, how ithas affected them.
Fear of intimacy and commitment,abandonment trauma frequently
leads to difficulties in formingclose, intimate relationships.
Now, you may not experiencethis until you decide, okay, I
(07:12):
want to start dating.
And then it comes up.
That's why I really like newexperiences, because things
trigger you and you're like, oh,I didn't know, I still had that
to deal with.
And well, now you do know, andso then you can work on that.
Okay, we always are constantlygrowing and learning and doing.
(07:35):
Fear of being hurt or left againoften causes individuals to
avoid deep emotional connections.
This avoidance may manifest asa reluctance to commit to
long-term relationships.
We all know people that justcan't commit.
Right, it seems to be a problem.
I don't want to label it as aproblem, it just seems to be
going on a lot.
(07:57):
You know, on social media, somany people like in their 30s.
They talk like commitment.
I've been dating this guy forfive years and I want to get
married like there just seems tobe a lot of commitment issues,
and maybe some of it comes fromthis abandonment.
In some cases, self-sabotagingbehaviors such as pushing
(08:18):
partners away or prematurelyending relationships serve as a
protective mechanism.
Others may move quickly fromone relationship to another to
avoid confronting feelings ofvulnerability or rejection.
So I think abandonment issuescause a lot of problems in our
society these days.
(08:39):
There's a lot of unhealedwounds, unhealed traumas that we
haven't acknowledged and wejust call them something else or
think, oh, that's just the wayI am, but if we could dig a
little deeper?
Right, anytime these thingscome up, I always think okay,
that's protecting you fromsomething that's a little deeper
(09:00):
inside of you.
The third one clinginess anddependency.
Conversely, abandonment traumacan also result in clinginess
and dependency.
That's a hard word to say.
Those affected may feel anoverwhelming need for constant
reassurance and validation fromtheir partners or friends.
(09:21):
This dependency often stemsfrom a fear that, without
frequent contact or affirmation,they will be abandoned again.
Such behaviors may includeexcessive demands for attention,
reluctance to spend time aloneand difficulty tolerating
separations.
So if this is something thatyou are like, oh, that's kind of
(09:43):
me.
Just pay attention and decideokay, you've really got to work
through like are you going to beabandoned?
No, you're not.
And work through askingyourself questions, figuring out
what inside of you, where isthis coming from?
And then you can totally healfrom all of this.
(10:05):
Number four low self-esteem andfeelings of worthlessness.
Low self-esteem is commonconsequence of abandonment.
Trauma, right, like, oh, theyleft me.
I must not have been goodenough.
Like so many people were.
Like, I just must not have beengood enough.
That's why they left me.
And I just think that isridiculous.
(10:25):
Right, yes, you were goodenough, but you weren't good
enough for someone to have aside chick or a side guy on the
you know.
No, they were not good enoughfor you.
But our society, we have somany of these stories that we
tell ourselves like, oh, theymust not have left, I must not
have been a good enough wife.
No, you were the perfect wife,you were the perfect mom, you
(10:53):
were the perfect daughter,you're the perfect friend.
It was their issue why theyleft.
It was not about you.
The second you start making itabout you, it just isn't about
you.
This is about them.
What caused them to do thisright?
And we may never know theanswer, and that's okay to do
this right and we may never knowthe answer, and that's okay.
But this moment you startputting it on you, that is going
to be a problem, right, and itis going to cause a low
(11:14):
self-esteem.
If you don't think you're goodenough, just want you to believe
you are good enough.
You are worthy.
Many individuals internalizetheir experiences, blaming
themselves for the abandonmentand believing they are unworthy
of love or care.
This negative self-perceptioncan lead to chronic feelings of
inadequacy and self-doubt, whichmay affect their personal and
(11:37):
professional lives.
Abandonment trauma often leavesindividuals questioning their
own value, contributing toongoing struggles with
relationships, careers andself-image.
So if you struggle withself-esteem, I just want you to
know you can get your confidenceback.
It's going to take work, it'sgoing to take practice, but that
(11:57):
is your job to do right, andthe more you do that, the more
aware you'll be like the affairwas not about you.
That that is something I wantour society to stop blaming the
person that was betrayed and itwas the betrayer.
It wasn't even the other womanor the other man.
(12:18):
It was the betrayer.
It was their issues why theydid what they did.
And yes, it hurt you and yes itwas harmful, but don't let it
ruin your life.
Don't become the victim oftheir bad behavior and poor
choices.
Trust issues this is a big onetoo.
(12:38):
Being let down by a criticalfigure can lead to difficulty
trusting others.
For people with abandonmenttrauma.
Okay, just know, we all have itright, we all have some
abandonment issues.
I think we all have experience,whether a friend stopped
talking to us, a boyfriend inthe eighth grade broke up with
us, or our mom forgot us at thestore or whatever like right.
(13:02):
There's lots of ways we couldfeel abandoned in our life.
Our dad left our family, ourmom left our family, a teacher
left I mean, there's just somany issues.
But the trust that's animportant one.
Okay, survivors may feelsuspicious of people's
intentions, constantly fearingbetrayal or deception.
(13:25):
Intentions constantly fearingbetrayal or deception.
That's why healing is soimportant, because if you are
unhealed and try to get in arelationship, it's going to be
really hard to trust someone.
The person you have to learn totrust is yourself.
This mistrust can make itchallenging to open up and build
meaningful relationships, oftenleading to emotional isolation.
(13:47):
So if you're listening to thisand you're like this is really
affecting my life, there is help.
You can totally get help forfeeling abandoned.
Number six unhealthy or unstablerelationship patterns.
Those with abandonment traumaoften find themselves in
relationships that mirror thedynamics of their original
(14:09):
abandonment.
So, whether it was your family,old boyfriend, okay, for
example, they may unconsciouslychoose partners who are
emotionally unavailable or proneto leaving, perpetuating a
cycle of pain and reinforcingfeelings of unworthiness due to
low self-esteem.
These patterns can be difficultto recognize, but are vital to
(14:33):
breaking free from the trauma'sgrip.
So if you recognize like oh, Ialways date someone that is like
this, you need to get help.
You need to figure this out soyou can stop the cycle.
Number seven emotional numbnessand detachment.
In an attempt to protectourselves from further pain,
(14:53):
individuals with abandonmenttrauma may shut down emotionally
and realize, like this ishappening in your nervous system
, inside your body, okay, whereall your emotions are stored.
So your nervous system is goingto go to freeze, right?
That's what emotional numbnessis You're unable to feel and
(15:15):
we're going to detach, meaningwe're living our life, yet we're
not totally consciously there.
If you've experienced this, Ihave totally experienced a lot
of my life, emotionally detachedand numb, which is really sad
to me, but awareness helped menot be that way anymore.
(15:37):
But just know it's protectingyou.
Your body is protecting youbecause what you experienced was
so painful, but this makes itdifficult to form meaningful
connections.
Burying their emotional needsfeels as though it protects them
from repeated patterns of abuseand interpersonal relationships
.
Right, so we're doing this.
(15:59):
Our body, our nervous system isdoing this to protect us.
However, we're not going to beable to have a good connected
relationship and, especially inbetrayal, it causes us to go
inward and freeze many timesChronic feelings of loneliness,
despite being surrounded bypeople.
Many individuals withabandonment trauma experience
(16:21):
pervasive loneliness.
The deep-seated fear ofpotential abandonment can make
it hard for them to feel trulyconnected to others, leaving
social interactions feelingsuperficial and unsatisfying.
Number nine hypervigilance Allthese things I think if you have
experienced betrayal, I feellike I'm reading all of them and
(16:44):
I've experienced all of them insome form or another.
That's why it's important toheal and acknowledge that the
person that you definitely can'tabandon is yourself.
Okay, hypervigilance is anothercommon sign of abandonment
wound.
Those affected may constantlymonitor their environment and
(17:06):
relationships for potentialsigns of abandonment.
This heightened alertness canbe exhausting and lead to
chronic stress and emotionalpain as they remain on guard for
their next perceived rejectionor loss.
And I find this a lot in whensomeone is trying to repair
their marriage and they'reconstantly looking at their
spouse's phone for a textmessage when they're at, are
(17:28):
they telling the truth?
Hypervigilance is exhausting,but it's our brain, it's our
body, trying to protect us fromthe perceived danger of our
spouse having another affair.
Number 10, unhealthy copingmechanisms.
To manage their overwhelmingemotions and fears, individuals
(17:49):
with abandonment trauma mayadopt maladaptive coping
strategies.
These can include substanceabuse, overeating or engaging in
other addictive behaviors tonumb the pain or distract
themselves from abandonmentanxiety.
Unfortunately, these behaviorsoften exacerbate underlying
issues.
I see this all the time.
(18:10):
I myself used food.
That was how I buffered a lot,right, I think there's other
things I did, but food was mysource, which was hard, because
it's like my spouse was sofixated on what I looked like
that it was a huge issue, right.
So I would eat to try to feelbetter and then he would say
(18:33):
other really harmful, meanthings to me about me eating
that and my weight.
But a lot of people drinkalcohol, right, I call them
buffers.
People do lots of things and Iget it.
It's like it's so painful.
They're going to look at pornor smoke pot or spend lots of
(18:55):
money on credit cards, goshopping, gambling, like there's
lots of ways to buffer our way.
So it gives us that dopamineand helps us feel a little
better, yet it causes us so manyother problems.
Okay, the last one.
11.
Struggle with finding meaningto life.
Many survivors of abandonmenttrauma wrestle with questions of
(19:19):
purpose, of the purpose of life.
This struggle is sometimesexpressed as loss of faith or
spirituality or a sense ofexistential doubt.
They may find it challenging tocreate a sense of fulfillment,
often asking what's the point ofall of this?
And I really see this in mykids.
(19:39):
Our family, I would say, wasvery religious, went to church
every Sunday, did all the things, yet many of them have decided
God isn't real.
Why would God do this to myfamily?
Why would these people atchurch that said you know, do
(20:02):
the right thing, choose theright.
Yet when we're in a moment ofcrisis, they felt like had
turned their backs on mychildren, on our family.
Right, that is very painful.
I think a lot of people thathave really hard things in their
life that are completely out oftheir control, like betrayal or
(20:23):
divorce, especially for kids.
They feel abandoned, and it'sjust not abandoned by their
parents, but also maybe theirchurch group, their religion,
their God, and so there's lotsof layers to this, their God,
(20:43):
right, and so there's lots oflayers to this.
So I don't want you to think,oh, this is something easy.
But if you are feeling this wayand if you've experienced
betrayal I'm guessing one ofthese 11 things that I talked
about resonated with you, andmaybe three or four of them did
they're just important toacknowledge and then work
through and decide do I want tobelieve that anymore?
(21:06):
How can I heal this part of methat feels abandoned in this
area?
Right, because it's totallypossible to heal and to repair
and to not feel that way anymore.
You don't have to feelabandoned.
It's not this curse that's onyou.
I hope this was helpful.
(21:29):
I know this is hard stuff.
It is painful, it's hurtfulwhen someone does something to
you that feels so violating andjust like breaks the covenants
that they've made with you andthe promises and they do
something that is not what youagreed on.
(21:51):
It is painful, I get it.
However, let's decide that wedon't have to.
We can feel that pain and thenmove forward and create a
different outcome.
I just think sometimes we thinkour story is one way, and what
(22:11):
if you're wrong about that?
What if your new story is evenbetter than your last story?
I think that's totally possible.
Anyways, thanks so much forlistening.
If you've ever been interestedin having a coach, reach out.
I would love to be your coachand help you through all these
challenging things that betrayal, divorce, anything, kids, life
(22:34):
happens.
Have a beautiful day and I willtalk to you next week.
If you want to learn how tolive happily, even after, sign
up for my email at hello.
Have a beautiful day and I willtalk to you next week.
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