Hello, My Name Is: Letting Go of Trauma After Infidelity

Send us a text

Healing after betrayal often feels impossible when we're white-knuckling our trauma, convinced that hypervigilance will somehow protect us from future pain. But what if the very things we're clinging to—obsessive thoughts about the affair partner, negative self-image, or fantasy versions of our relationships—are actually preventing our healing?

Drawing from both personal experience and my work as a trauma-informed coach, I explore the invisible barriers we construct after infidelity and betrayal. Our primitive brains convince us that staying on high alert will keep us safe, but this constant state of anxiety is both exhausting and ineffective. If someone wants to betray you again, no amount of phone checking or hypervigilance will prevent it.

Real healing begins when we serve an "eviction notice" to the thoughts keeping us stuck. This process starts with awareness of what we're holding onto, followed by what I call bringing our "CEO brain" online—engaging our higher thinking rather than remaining trapped in fear-based responses. Through radical honesty with ourselves, we can loosen our grip on betrayal trauma and begin rebuilding trust from within.

The journey requires distinguishing between fantasy and reality. Fantasy feels safer—imagining what might have been or how things "should" have worked out—but it keeps us disconnected from our actual lives. The sooner we can accept our circumstances, the sooner we can create something meaningful from them. Letting go isn't about forgetting what happened; it's about creating space for new possibilities and yes—living happily, even after betrayal.

Ready to identify what you're holding onto that's keeping you stuck? Reach out for a free call, and let's work together to help you create your happily even after.

Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.

Email me: [e-mail] for any comments or questions.

Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.

My website is www.lifecoachjen.com

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:10):
Welcome to my podcast .
Happily, even After.
I'm life coach, jen, I'mpassionate about helping people
recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only

(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today we begin to help you livehappily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast.
I recently had a client send mea song about kind of how she was
feeling and it was by an artist, kyle Hume, h-u-m-e, and it's

(00:54):
called Hello, my Name Is.
And I just loved the song somuch and it just really got my
brain thinking and her commentwas hello, my name is.
Betray is betrayal trauma andI'm going to tell you what that
means in a second.
But I kind of want you toconsider, like, what are you
holding on to in your marriage,in your life, that you think is

(01:18):
keeping you safe?
What she was holding on to isthis betrayal trauma, right?
And if you've experiencedbetrayal in any form, it causes
a lot of trauma to our bodiesbecause the thing is the person
that we trusted and loved andmarried and had babies with, has

(01:39):
been lying to us and deceivingus and calling us crazy and
maybe having sex with someoneelse or at least talking about
really intimate things withother people or looking at
pornography or whatever thebetrayal is, and I'm just mostly
talking.
I know there's financialbetrayal, there's lots of

(02:02):
betrayal, but I only work withpeople that have experienced
mostly affairs emotional orphysical affairs and so what are
you holding on to about that?
Because the thing is, ourbrains think that letting go of
certain things or certainthoughts feels dangerous.

(02:24):
If we stop feeling betrayed, ifyou're still married, our
spouse might betray us again.
Like, we need to be on highalert at all times, and this is
exhausting and it isn't evenhelpful and it's not going to
work.
So I thought of some thingsthat like so her, she was

(02:45):
holding on to betrayal, thetrauma of it, right, and of
course, we never forget thingslike we're not going to forget
that our spouse had an affair,but it doesn't have to be so
heavy, it doesn't have to beconstant high alert, right, we
can relax and let go of thesethings.
What about are you holding on tothe story, right?

(03:08):
Either, when the story of mylife is perfect and amazing and
the happily ever after story, orare you holding on to the story
of my life is so hard.
You know, why did they do this?
Why did my spouse lie to me?
Why did I choose them?
Why did I have kids with them?
Whatever right, the positivestory or the negative story or a

(03:30):
mix of both, what is the storyyou're holding onto and can you
loosen your grip on that andmaybe choose a different way to
think about that?
Your story, right?
Is there a better way, a morehelpful way?
Are you holding on?
I know a lot of people hold onto the other woman or the other
man, right?
Are we so fixated on who theyare and compare ourselves?

(03:54):
And, of course, all thosethings are normal, especially
when we first discover theaffair.
But when are you ready to letgo of them?
Because, because, many timesthey're, I'm going to say,
victims too, right, they don'teven know that your spouse is
married.
Because they've lied to themand to you.
And to what end?

(04:17):
Right, like, the more you focuson the other person, the less
you can focus on yourself andyour own healing.
And I want you to focus on youand your healing, not concern
yourself with the other person,right?
And especially if you'redivorced, they're none of your
business, and I know that's hard.
And sometimes they are yourbusiness because your spouse

(04:39):
ends up marrying them and thenthey're parenting your children
and that is very painful andhard.
So give yourself lots of graceand love, but let's loosen our
grip on them, right?
Our emotional grip is what I'mtalking about, not our physical
grip.
Your body what about your body?
Are you holding on to?

(05:00):
Like your negative view of yourbody?
I used to feel like I had thisjust constant running voice in
my head telling me you're fat,you're ugly, you're disgusting,
your husband doesn't love you,he's never going to love you if
you're not thinner like just alot of really negative, awful

(05:22):
self-talk.
And so I had to like let go ofthat because it was driving me
crazy and it was miserable andit wasn't even true, because I
had to learn to then love mybody, right.
And so what things about yourformer spouse, your ex, are you
holding onto still?

(05:43):
Are you holding onto that?
Oh, now, it's not fair.
They're with someone else andthey're going to be the best
version of themselves with thisnew person.
Right?
They're all of a sudden goingto have an awakening and change.
Okay, I'm guessing that's notgoing to happen, right?
That very rarely does happen.
Because if they weren't willingto change in your marriage,

(06:04):
what makes you think thatthey're willing to change in
this new marriage?
They just think that theircircumstance was causing the
problems.
They thought the problem wasyou, not them.
So they're like oh, this newperson.
They make me feel so happy andamazing and wonderful.
But the reality is that's justlike fantasy, and the fantasy

(06:24):
wears off and eventually realityhappens and then the real
version of them comes out, right, and who knows?
Of course the person's going toreact different.
They're going to have differenthistory, different experience,
and so it might be different.
But it's not like they got thebetter version of your former
spouse.
It's not like they got theperson you thought you were

(06:47):
married to, right.
So can you let go of that?
Can you loosen your grip onthat idea?
I love in the song he talksabout evicting these thoughts
out of your mind, right, like ifyou know what an eviction
notice is like.
They're literally kicking youout of wherever you live because
you didn't pay rent.

(07:10):
You know you owe money, and socan you consider what thoughts
are holding you back and keepingyou stuck in misery and
rumination and on high alert allthe time?
Are you willing to get them outof your head?
You have to be intentional todo that, like you can't just be

(07:31):
like, oh yeah, I am and then donothing.
Like this is going to take workand intention.
Okay, many times, like I saidbefore, that we think if we keep
our story going in our head,that that is keeping us safe and
emotionally safe, but reality,it's really keeping us stuck.

(07:53):
So we need to have awarenessright In order to let them go.
We have to, first of all, beaware we're thinking these
things, being aware kind of likewe're kind of done thinking
them.
And then we need to bring Icall it the CEO part of our
brain right, our higher brainonline, because the thing is,

(08:17):
our lower brain, the thingthat's just keeping us alive, is
telling us no, this isimportant to think about.
It's important to think aboutthe person your spouse is having
an affair.
If we focus on them, we'regoing to be safe.
Or if we focus on their phoneright, making sure they're not
texting anyone, that's going tokeep us safe, but reality, that

(08:39):
just keeps us stuck and thatkeeps us spinning in misery, and
it doesn't prevent an affairfrom happening again.
Sadly, right, we wish it wouldand if it worked, I would tell
you to do it.
But it doesn't, because they'regoing to find a workaround.
They're going to find anotherapp.
They're going to find anotherway.
If someone wants to have anaffair, they're going to have an

(08:59):
affair, and if they want to lieto you, they're going to lie to
you.
But that's why you need to goinward and figure out okay, how
can I start trusting myself?
How can I figure out what Ineed?
How can I start letting go ofsome of these things?
Okay, awareness, bringing yourCEO brain online.

(09:19):
Pay attention to how you thinkand feel, especially around, if
you're trying to work on yourmarriage around your spouse.
What are you thinking andfeeling, because your thoughts
matter, and how do you want tofeel?
Like?
Are you feeling appropriatelyLike?
There's for sure you want tofeel anger and disappointment,

(09:42):
like.
For me, I feel a lot ofdisappointment.
Even still, I feel verydisappointed in how my marriage
ended.
Right, it's so disappointinghow their dad did what he did.
Like my kid's dad and myhusband like so disappointing
and so, like, be intentional,like, okay, what am I thinking,

(10:05):
what am I feeling?
Do I want to think and feelthat way?
And sometimes you do, and thensometimes, no, I want to start
trying to think somethingdifferent.
I think you have to.
I call it radical honesty.
You have to be completely, takeownership for your part, as
well as radical honesty aboutthe situation, right, the truth

(10:31):
is I'm not ready to let gothinking about the other woman
or I'm not ready to change mystory, right, and these are all
the reasons why, or whatever.
Just be really honest, like I.
Why, or whatever?
Just be really honest.
I think the more honest you canbe with yourself, the better,

(10:55):
right, and that's important,right, because we think, oh, we
were never going to trust again,how will we ever trust someone
again?
Well, the first person you needto start trusting is yourself,
and how to do that is to behonest with yourself.
So, the more honest you can be,the easier it is going to be to
let go of things, owning yourtruth.
What is the truth of yoursituation?
The truth of my situation isI'm divorced and that's my

(11:21):
reality, right, like the truthis.
And there's lots that I won'tgo on the podcast, right, but
like there's a whole story there, but that's the truth is.
And there's lots that I won'tgo on the podcast, right, but
like there's there's a wholestory there, but that's the
truth.
I am divorced.
So now what?
What do I want to do?
Who do I want to be?
What?
What do I want to let go of?
And there's lots of truth rightto my story and to each of your

(11:42):
stories as well.
I think the quicker you can getout of living in fantasy land
and live in reality, it's somuch better.
And I was talking to mydaughter because we were talking
about, like, in her perfectworld, her parents would still
be married.
Of course they would be right,they would be right, but that's

(12:11):
not her reality.
So now she's navigating herunperfect world.
We all have a vision of whatour perfect world looks like,
and then, of course, the world'snot perfect.
We're not perfect, and so wehave to now, okay, this is our
reality.
And so now what?
And so I think the more you canjust tell your brain like, okay
, I'm safe, I'm okay, I can, youknow, stop doing this death

(12:36):
grip on the affair or the otherwoman, or my body or whatever
else you're holding ontobetrayal trauma, right, if I can
just loosen my grip on this anddecide what I want to think
instead and focus is this myfantasy world or is this my

(12:56):
reality?
And I really I've learnedcoaching my clients and
experiencing this myself like,of course, our fantasy world,
feels so much better and saferand it feels scary to live in
reality, because the truth is,the reality is hard and

(13:21):
confusing and frustrating and wehave lots of negative emotions,
and so of course, that's harderand frustrating and we have
lots of negative emotions, andso of course, that's harder.
But the more you can live inthat, the more fuller life
you're going to have, the morereal life you're going to have,
the better your life will be.
I really believe that becauseI've done both and fantasy is

(13:43):
just fake and not real.
So hopefully this was helpful.
Go check out that song.
It's really good, and I justwant you to consider what things
are you ready to give up inyour life and let go of?
And if you need some help, Iwould love to help you.
Reach out to me.
Let's schedule a free call andwe can chat.
Have a great day and I willtalk to you next week and we can

(14:03):
chat.
Have a great day and I willtalk to you next week.
If you want to learn how tolive happily even after, sign up
for my email at hello atlifecoachjen with one n dot com.
Follow me on Instagram andFacebook at happily even after
coach.
Let's work together to createyour happily even after.