March 31, 2025 • 28 mins
What happens when you haven't dated for thirty years and suddenly find yourself navigating modern romance at 54? After ending my 26-year marriage and spending nearly three years focused on healing, I finally took the plunge back into dating—and discovered something unexpected about my heart along the way.
The dating landscape has completely transformed since I last participated in it. Gone are the days of meeting through mutual friends or chance encounters; now we swipe through dating apps filled with bathroom selfies and decades-old profile pictures. As a betrayal recovery coach, I approached this milestone with both trepidation and curiosity—would my nervous system be triggered? Would I feel like I was betraying my ex-husband despite being divorced? The answers surprised me.
Unlike many who rush into new relationships post-divorce, I deliberately gave myself time to heal. This patience allowed me to approach dating with clarity about my boundaries and desires. I know exactly what I want (no camping enthusiasts, please) and what I don't want (raising young children again). This self-awareness represents tremendous growth from who I was thirty years ago.
The most profound revelation came after my date ended. Sitting in my car, I realized that my heart—which I had consciously locked up "in a million chains" for protection—had begun to open. The possibility that genuine, trustworthy connections exist suddenly felt real. This emotional shift represents the essence of post-betrayal growth: not just healing enough to function, but healing enough to consider trusting again.
Whether you're contemplating dating after betrayal or simply navigating your healing journey, remember that your timeline belongs to you alone. Stepping outside our comfort zones often reveals that we're stronger and more healed than we realized. Want to create your own "happily even after"? Connect with me through my email or social media and let's work together to make it happen.
Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.
Email me: hello@lifecoachjen.com for any comments or questions.
Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.
My website is www.lifecoachjen.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Welcome to my podcast Happily, even After.
I'm life coach, jen, I'mpassionate about helping people
recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only
(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today we begin to help you livehappily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast.
Today I am recording at my home, which I usually do when I have
a guest, but today the guest isme.
(00:54):
I was just thinking that Iwanted to share this with you,
but if you've been following me,you know that I've been
divorced now for almost threeyears.
Then I was married before thatfor 26 years.
So I haven't been on a date for30 years.
So the last time I dated waswhen I was 24 and I just
(01:17):
recently turned 54.
So imagine yourself in mysituation and I'm sure many of
you listening have been divorcedor maybe are considering it
right, especially if betrayalshappened in your marriage.
And I'm just going to saybetrayal is hard Like it is so
(01:40):
hard and divorce is hard right,but sometimes divorce is a
better option and, in my opinion, for myself, divorce really has
been such a relief for me.
It's given me the space Ineeded to heal, which I didn't
(02:01):
necessarily know that until ithappened, which I didn't
necessarily know that until ithappened, I had a lot of fear
about getting divorced and Ieven had more fear about the
thought of dating someone else,right.
And so I just want to sharesome of my thoughts about dating
when I was in my 20s to datingnow in my 50s.
(02:24):
So a few months ago I decidedin 2025, I would make a goal to
go on one date, and I know onedate sounds kind of silly, but
when I had gotten divorced,originally, my therapist had
said Jennifer, you make it agoal to go on one date in the
(02:45):
first year after your divorcebecause many people he has seen
they kind of get stuck and thefear gets bigger, which I
totally understand.
And so I think right after Igot divorced, I joined a couple
dating apps and I matched with afew men and just talked to them
(03:06):
.
But I realized quickly that, oh,my body was not ready to date.
I could feel my nervous systemreacting and I just knew I
hadn't healed enough for myself.
And that's really important tome because what I've seen with
many clients, friends, people Iknow they get divorced and
(03:30):
almost it's like this freedomand like, oh my gosh, here my
spouse has been cheating on meand so now I have permission to
go on a date right To dateanyone I want, do anything I
want, and a lot of people tendto go wild and date a lot of
people and sometimes and usuallythis happens they hop into a
(03:55):
new relationship.
They haven't healed from theirpast relationship and, even
though the person is different,they brought their brain with
them and they sometimes end upwith the exact same thing that
they just left because that'swhat they felt comfortable with.
That person felt safe, eventhough they weren't safe.
(04:16):
They were lying to them andcheating on them.
So it happens all the time andI just wasn't willing to let
that happen to me and I knew Istill had healing.
So fast forward.
Now I'm almost at thethree-year mark, 2025.
I feel like I'm in such abetter headspace, I feel very
(04:38):
good about where I'm at.
So I decided I'm going to makethis goal and things I've
noticed dating in your 20s well,first of all, we didn't have
the internet.
We didn't have Facebook, anysocial media.
So how you dated?
You probably dated someone thatyou went to school with.
(04:58):
In college, I met people in myclasses.
I met my former spouse at abank where I was the customer
and he was the employee whichshould have been a red flag for
me, but it wasn't and that's howwe met, and so you would meet
through acquaintances or friendsor a blind date.
(05:20):
Anyways, that was how you datedright, and now it feels like
maybe it would be easier now,but I think it's so much harder.
So now what you do is get on anapp and post like five or six
pictures of yourself.
They ask you questions, thebasic things like right, like,
(05:43):
are you married?
Well, hopefully you're notmarried on the dating app, but
there are lots of people marriedon the dating app, like
divorced, widowed.
What's your job?
You know you answer thesequestions and you scroll through
them and you swipe down ifyou're not interested and you
swipe up if you're notinterested and you swipe up if
(06:04):
you are interested and you pickyour age range and you see
pictures and for me, I paid theextra whatever amount of money.
There's free websites, freeapps, but then you pay extra so
you don't get the ads and youcan see people from just not
where you live directly.
You Like, you can see peoplefrom other states and even other
(06:26):
countries, and I just wanted toget my pool a little larger,
and so that's what I did.
What I have found interestingthat men, many men, they really
enjoy posting pictures of theanimal that they killed, hunting
or these really daring thingsthat they like to do.
(06:49):
I don't know if they're showingoff, if they think that's cool
For me immediate no.
If you tell me your favoritething to do is camping
absolutely not You're a no forme.
So I think, as a woman and aman, you need to get clear of
really what you're looking for,and, of course, they ask you
lots of questions to make sureyou're finding someone that
(07:12):
matches with you, but you onlyhave a few choices, so you
really aren't sharing your wholepersonality, anyways.
So I just find it so funny.
Men love to take selfies in thebathroom and I'm like did you
notice the toilet seat was up?
Because I did, and that's animmediate no.
So I just it's hysterical.
(07:34):
I love I screenshot and sendthem to my friends and my
daughter because we think it'shysterical that someone thought
that that was the picture to puton their dating app.
Like this is the presentationhere.
Hey, world, this is who I am,and they can pick some of the
worst pictures.
It is quite humorous.
(07:57):
If you want a good laugh, findyour friend that's divorced and
swipe on her dating app, becauseit's hysterical.
Anyways, so this is how we haveto date in 2025.
And, of course, I have sweetneighbors and people that have
(08:17):
sent me their brother or theirfriend, that have sent me their
brother or their friend, and sofar that has not been how.
I haven't gone on a date withanyone of those people.
But it's a lot different.
So just fair warning, if you'relike, oh, it's going to be so
easy to date and meet people, no, it's not.
(08:38):
And then you're just meeting apicture, right, you don't even
know their personality, youdon't even know their last name
and what.
I also have found and heardthat people will post a picture
but that was like 20 years agoor 10 years ago, or they lie
about their age.
They lie about their height.
My daughter is like mom.
(08:59):
They lie about their age.
They lie about their height.
My daughter is like mom.
Any man that says whateverheight they are, just deduct two
inches, which I find hysterical.
That men like to lie abouttheir height, but women we lie
about our weight, right?
I mean, they don't ask you whatyou weigh, but it's just
interesting.
It's a very good socialexperiment, anyways.
So this year I decided, okay,I'm going to get on the dating
(09:22):
app again.
Matched with several people.
The other thing I found thatyou match with people you think,
oh, this is our time tocommunicate.
Oh, no, dead silence, right,like, are you on the app for a
reason?
Did you forget you were on theapp?
Why aren't we communicating?
And don't ask me, ask me anopen-ended question.
(09:42):
If I ask you an open-endedquestion, you should respond
with an open-ended question withme, as opposed to no.
Yeah, I mean, we are in, am onthis experiment, right, can I
(10:04):
get a date?
Can I get a date in the year of2025?
Okay.
The other thing if you aredating, like, really get clear
on what you're looking for,because for me, I am looking for
someone to add to my life,because I already have an
amazing life.
I don't want someone that itwould be a burden or Anyways.
(10:30):
And I've decided I've alreadybeen a mom.
I love being a mom.
I have four amazing kids, but Idon't want to raise your kids.
I don't want to be a stepmom.
I don't want to raise your kids, right.
I don't want to be a stepmom, Idon't want to be a bonus mom, I
want to be a friend to youradult children.
And so a lot of 50-year-olds,people in their 50s, have
(10:51):
younger kids, which is, I guess,valid, right?
They got married later or forwhatever reason, they have a
four-year-old and a 10-year-oldand so that's immediate no for
me.
I'm sure you're a great guy,but I don't want to deal with
your ex-wife.
I don't want to deal withraising teenagers again.
(11:12):
I did that and it was hard andI love my kids and I'm sure I
could like yours and probablylove yours Little ones.
I just don't want to be aparent of them.
So I have a few like absoluteno's, okay, and for me, women in
(11:34):
general right, like it's a risk.
There are some women thatreally need to find
companionship because they dohave little kids.
If I would have divorced myhusband years ago, I'm sure I
would have been in a differentmindset around dating and
finding a companion again, butmy mindset now is no, I love my
(11:57):
life, I love my freedom, I wanta companion, I think.
But it's going to lookdifferent.
So really get clear on what youwant.
And if you find yourselfjumping in when you're not ready
, that means you're just nothealed yet and that's okay.
Dating obviously will give youtriggers, especially if you've
(12:21):
been betrayed, but it is a wayto really learn lessons about
yourself and to have huge growthopportunities, I think.
Okay.
So now on to what I want toshare with you.
So here I am talking with a fewdifferent men, and there is one
(12:42):
from out of state, and so hementioned he was going to come
to where I live.
And I'm like, cool, one day.
He's like hey, do you want togo to dinner?
And unfortunately it was atthree and I already did have
plans, and so I said no, butwhat about?
(13:03):
Maybe tomorrow or another daywe could go to lunch.
So he agreed and that happenedlate at night, 10 o'clock at
night.
I'm like, oh my gosh, my firstdate is going to be tomorrow.
Oh my gosh, my first date isgoing to be tomorrow.
And I decided also in my dating,like I'm going to be very
(13:24):
transparent with my kids.
I'm going to let them know, hey, I'm going to go on a date
because we have a lot of historyof secrets and lying in our
family, sadly, and I'm just notdoing that anymore.
I have nothing to hide and I'mnot covering for that anymore.
I have nothing to hide and I'mnot covering for myself.
There's no need, right?
(13:45):
I'm very pro.
We do not lie in my house andif we do, it's a problem.
But so far, so good, as far asI know, right.
But my kids were pretty closeand pretty honest, so I just
wanted to tell them and I justhave to give a big shout out to
my kids were pretty close andpretty honest, so I just wanted
to tell them and I just have togive a big shout out to my kids
(14:05):
how sweet and kind and excitedthey were for me, which means a
lot.
I know they want their mom tobe happy and honestly I'm so
happy.
But I think a little part ofthem thinks like okay, cool, my
mom's going on a date, like wow,this is exciting, anyways.
So my daughter she of course we.
Okay, cool, my mom's going on adate, like wow, this is
exciting, anyways.
So my daughter she of course wego to my closet.
What am I going to wear?
(14:25):
I'm like, okay, let me decideon my pants and then pick out a
few tops and tomorrow I'll trythem on and see what is feeling
good, right?
So I had an appointment andluckily it was a hair
appointment.
I didn't tell him that becauseI was like, okay, I just have an
(14:46):
appointment, so we need to goafter my appointment.
So I set the time and attemptedto go to sleep and I found
myself so nervous I felt like Iwas like a teenager again.
I was like, oh my gosh, I can'tbelieve.
After all, this time like it'sbeen a long time I'm going to go
(15:12):
to dinner with, or actuallylunch, I'm going to lunch with
another man that's not my spouseand is a stranger that I met on
the internet.
I mean, that feels scary, rightand so, but this is the way,
this is how you do it.
My kids are like mom, you meethim there, you pay for your own
(15:35):
lunch.
And if my daughter's like, ifyou're having a hard time, like
if it's awkward or weird, tellhim you have to go to the
bathroom, text me, I will callyou and you can just tell him
you need to go because your kidsneed you.
So I was like, okay, this isour plan, right, this is my way
(15:56):
out, in case something.
You know, he's a creep or weirdor whatever.
So I really struggled sleepingand I woke up and I started
getting ready.
I actually made a video so youcan go watch it on my Instagram
stories, or not Instagramstories on my reel.
(16:17):
I made a reel.
So get ready for the day.
Go get my hair done which wasgreat, because you always feel
better when you have your hairdone by someone else than
yourself and I drive to thelocation.
Well, originally he said hey, doyou want to meet at this
restaurant?
That was in the city that Ilive in.
(16:38):
And when I saw that, I was like, no, I do not want to meet
there.
But past me, I think would havejust said sure, because I
didn't want to.
What if I told him I didn'twant to go there?
And I think I just wasn't asconfident.
But I said, actually, I'dprefer to go to this restaurant
(16:58):
in this city.
I said, actually, I'd prefer togo to this restaurant in this
city.
Are you okay with that?
So I'm really proud of mebecause I am really getting good
at speaking what I want andneed, and he didn't care, right,
clearly, because he was likeperfect.
And then the other thing is Iwas thinking, oh, I'm going to,
(17:21):
probably I might be running late, so I just wanted to tell him
and my kids laugh at me becausethey're like you didn't need to
tell him that I'm like well,when you're in your 50s, you
tell people.
That's the kind thing to do inmy opinion.
This is who I am, so I get,when you're in your 20s, you
date differently, but I thinkpeople in their 50s, hopefully,
are a little bit more mature andkinder.
(17:44):
Anyways, so, if you guys know, Ihave a group of friends that I
go walking with and I haven'teven told them that this was
happening, because I didn't knowit was happening Thursday, when
I went on a walk with them, ithappened that night and so I
decided to send them a video andthey went crazy.
They couldn't believe it.
So I show up at the restaurantfive minutes early and he's not
(18:09):
there and I got this pit in mystomach and I thought, oh, what
if he's not coming?
Okay, well, that's okay, I canhave lunch and it will be fine.
It didn't mean anything aboutme and it's okay if he's not
coming.
I learned a lot getting readyfor this and feeling like, am I
(18:32):
ready for this?
So I text them.
He's not here.
They're like it's okay, justwait, he's going to show up.
He's going to show up, which Ireally appreciated.
They're giving me that boostand sure enough he walks in the
door.
And sure enough he walks in thedoor.
And I laughed because I think Ishook his hand, which, of course
(18:53):
, weird, right.
But he looked at me and he said, oh, thank goodness, you look
like your pictures, I'm notgetting catfished.
And I said, oh, is that acommon thing?
He said it happens a lot, and Ijust think that's so sad, right
?
People are presentingthemselves in a way and they're
(19:14):
not that person, and I've heardfrom many other people that I've
told this story to that they'relike oh my gosh, that has
happened to me so many times.
And so if you are dating, putyour real picture out there.
You don't want to show up andhave the random person or put a
recent picture, not from 10years ago.
(19:35):
Okay, we change and we have tojust embrace what we look like
right today, right?
So anyways, he of course, made ajoke about me being a betrayal
coach, which was sweet and kindand we ordered our food and I
get my wallet out and he's likeabsolutely not, I'm paying.
(19:57):
He's like I am paying for yourlunch, which I really
appreciated and I didn't mind.
I wouldn't have thoughtanything if I would have paid,
but it was really sweet that hewanted to pay for my lunch.
So we go, sit down, have lunchand I was really focused on okay
(20:20):
, how am I going to feel sittingat lunch with another man and
is it going to feel awkward?
Am I going to feel, am I goingto get triggered?
Am I going to feel like I amcheating?
Right, because even though I'vebeen divorced, I was so loyal
(20:41):
to my husband to a fault, right,loyalty is a great quality I
have, but it kind of kept me inan unhealthy marriage for a long
time.
So I just was curious, like,okay, how am I going to feel?
(21:01):
And honestly, I felt nothing.
I wasn't like feeling betrayed,like I was betraying someone.
I felt very authentic, real,like this feels good and normal,
which was such good informationfor me, right, like that's why
I think I'm so proud of myselffor doing this, because it was
stepping out of my comfort zoneand kind of gauging like, okay,
(21:23):
how healed am I?
Right, all the work I've beendoing, all the things I tell
people, I coach people on everyday and I'm implementing it too,
and it's working, and so I wasjust really happy about that.
But, honestly, I couldn't haveasked for a better first date.
He was golden, he was amazing.
(21:46):
We talked for two hours.
I think we could have stayedthere for even longer if he
didn't have somewhere to go andI mean it would have been
awkward to stay at where we werefor longer than that.
But I just am so grateful thathe wasn't all the things I
(22:07):
created in my mind that a firstdate could be, all the horror
stories that I've heard about,or weird things or creepy.
I didn't feel unsafe, which isreally important to me.
Do I feel safe with you?
That's important.
So I don't know.
So I don't know.
(22:34):
I really like in that momentafter well, okay, so after the
two hours we left, we walked outtogether, we drove obviously
separate cars, and he's like canI give you a hug?
And I'm like, sure, and I guessI went in for the side hug,
which my kids have totallyteased me.
They're like mom, you gave hima side hug.
I'm like I don't know.
That's just how it happened.
So I'm still awkward, right,I'm still it, just I don't know.
(22:59):
That's what happened.
So that is the story of my firstdate with this person, with
this person.
But what I learned is that Icould see myself in that moment,
after I sat in my car and I waslike I have had my heart locked
(23:20):
up in a million chains andlocks and I'm like no way am I
ever getting married again, noway am I ever opening my heart
to someone, because it wasshattered in a million pieces a
million times over and overagain.
(23:40):
So I really just kind of haveshoved that down, that thought
and that feeling, and in thatmoment I realized like, oh,
there are really good men outthere, there are people that
don't cheat, right, that don'thave affairs Okay.
(24:01):
The other side note is he has asimilar story as me and I
didn't know how much that wouldresonate with me, how much that
connected me with someone, but ahundred million percent I think
whoever if I ever do choose tomarry, they will have shared the
(24:25):
betrayal experience.
I could be wrong about that,but the fact that he felt the
same pain that I have reallyfelt very connective, very
important to me.
That is something like, oh,interesting, and so I didn't
(24:49):
know, because I haven't everdated anyone besides him and so
his story was so similar to mystory and I really appreciated
that Anyways.
So as I was reflecting, I waslike, oh, I could see myself
maybe dating more or getting ina serious relationship.
(25:15):
I know something about myselfis that I'm not one to like want
to date 10 men, five men, threemen at the same time.
Like I'm, I'm a more like Iwant to just be with you, right,
like if I find someone, it'slike no, we're going to just be
together, like I don't need tobe dating around.
I know that that's not who I am, but you got to find that
(25:38):
person right, find the match.
So, anyways, it really openedmy eyes up and it's been really
fun.
It's been really fun.
I just appreciate my kids, myfriends, how supportive and
they're my cheerleaders.
I don't know why I'm gettingemotional, but for a long time I
(26:02):
felt alone in my pain, and nowI know I have a whole group of
women and my own children and myparents and my siblings
cheering for me to be happy, andI am happy, but the possibility
that there is a good man outthere that can love me, for me
(26:28):
and that isn't lying to me andgaslighting me and criticizing
me all the time and wanting meto be different.
Anyways, it was just reallybeautiful.
So I felt my heart kind of open, a little bit open to okay,
maybe this could be apossibility, to okay, maybe this
(26:54):
could be a possibility, maybe Icould meet someone.
Right, the fear kind ofdissipated and I do have lots of
other concerns and worries andanyways.
So I just want to shout out ifyou are where I am want, shout
(27:15):
out if you are where I am.
Doing hard things is a way tostretch and grow, and I just
want you to know that you canfind your happily even after.
If you want to learn how tolive happily even after, sign up
for my email at hello atlifecoachjen with one n dot com.
Follow me on Instagram andFacebook at happily even after.
Coach, let's work together tocreate your happily even after.
Welcome to my podcast Happily, even After.
I'm life coach, jen, I'mpassionate about helping people
recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only
(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today we begin to help you livehappily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast.
Today I am recording at my home, which I usually do when I have
a guest, but today the guest isme.
(00:54):
I was just thinking that Iwanted to share this with you,
but if you've been following me,you know that I've been
divorced now for almost threeyears.
Then I was married before thatfor 26 years.
So I haven't been on a date for30 years.
So the last time I dated waswhen I was 24 and I just
(01:17):
recently turned 54.
So imagine yourself in mysituation and I'm sure many of
you listening have been divorcedor maybe are considering it
right, especially if betrayalshappened in your marriage.
And I'm just going to saybetrayal is hard Like it is so
(01:40):
hard and divorce is hard right,but sometimes divorce is a
better option and, in my opinion, for myself, divorce really has
been such a relief for me.
It's given me the space Ineeded to heal, which I didn't
(02:01):
necessarily know that until ithappened, which I didn't
necessarily know that until ithappened, I had a lot of fear
about getting divorced and Ieven had more fear about the
thought of dating someone else,right.
And so I just want to sharesome of my thoughts about dating
when I was in my 20s to datingnow in my 50s.
(02:24):
So a few months ago I decidedin 2025, I would make a goal to
go on one date, and I know onedate sounds kind of silly, but
when I had gotten divorced,originally, my therapist had
said Jennifer, you make it agoal to go on one date in the
(02:45):
first year after your divorcebecause many people he has seen
they kind of get stuck and thefear gets bigger, which I
totally understand.
And so I think right after Igot divorced, I joined a couple
dating apps and I matched with afew men and just talked to them
(03:06):
.
But I realized quickly that, oh,my body was not ready to date.
I could feel my nervous systemreacting and I just knew I
hadn't healed enough for myself.
And that's really important tome because what I've seen with
many clients, friends, people Iknow they get divorced and
(03:30):
almost it's like this freedomand like, oh my gosh, here my
spouse has been cheating on meand so now I have permission to
go on a date right To dateanyone I want, do anything I
want, and a lot of people tendto go wild and date a lot of
people and sometimes and usuallythis happens they hop into a
(03:55):
new relationship.
They haven't healed from theirpast relationship and, even
though the person is different,they brought their brain with
them and they sometimes end upwith the exact same thing that
they just left because that'swhat they felt comfortable with.
That person felt safe, eventhough they weren't safe.
(04:16):
They were lying to them andcheating on them.
So it happens all the time andI just wasn't willing to let
that happen to me and I knew Istill had healing.
So fast forward.
Now I'm almost at thethree-year mark, 2025.
I feel like I'm in such abetter headspace, I feel very
(04:38):
good about where I'm at.
So I decided I'm going to makethis goal and things I've
noticed dating in your 20s well,first of all, we didn't have
the internet.
We didn't have Facebook, anysocial media.
So how you dated?
You probably dated someone thatyou went to school with.
(04:58):
In college, I met people in myclasses.
I met my former spouse at abank where I was the customer
and he was the employee whichshould have been a red flag for
me, but it wasn't and that's howwe met, and so you would meet
through acquaintances or friendsor a blind date.
(05:20):
Anyways, that was how you datedright, and now it feels like
maybe it would be easier now,but I think it's so much harder.
So now what you do is get on anapp and post like five or six
pictures of yourself.
They ask you questions, thebasic things like right, like,
(05:43):
are you married?
Well, hopefully you're notmarried on the dating app, but
there are lots of people marriedon the dating app, like
divorced, widowed.
What's your job?
You know you answer thesequestions and you scroll through
them and you swipe down ifyou're not interested and you
swipe up if you're notinterested and you swipe up if
(06:04):
you are interested and you pickyour age range and you see
pictures and for me, I paid theextra whatever amount of money.
There's free websites, freeapps, but then you pay extra so
you don't get the ads and youcan see people from just not
where you live directly.
You Like, you can see peoplefrom other states and even other
(06:26):
countries, and I just wanted toget my pool a little larger,
and so that's what I did.
What I have found interestingthat men, many men, they really
enjoy posting pictures of theanimal that they killed, hunting
or these really daring thingsthat they like to do.
(06:49):
I don't know if they're showingoff, if they think that's cool
For me immediate no.
If you tell me your favoritething to do is camping
absolutely not You're a no forme.
So I think, as a woman and aman, you need to get clear of
really what you're looking for,and, of course, they ask you
lots of questions to make sureyou're finding someone that
(07:12):
matches with you, but you onlyhave a few choices, so you
really aren't sharing your wholepersonality, anyways.
So I just find it so funny.
Men love to take selfies in thebathroom and I'm like did you
notice the toilet seat was up?
Because I did, and that's animmediate no.
So I just it's hysterical.
(07:34):
I love I screenshot and sendthem to my friends and my
daughter because we think it'shysterical that someone thought
that that was the picture to puton their dating app.
Like this is the presentationhere.
Hey, world, this is who I am,and they can pick some of the
worst pictures.
It is quite humorous.
(07:57):
If you want a good laugh, findyour friend that's divorced and
swipe on her dating app, becauseit's hysterical.
Anyways, so this is how we haveto date in 2025.
And, of course, I have sweetneighbors and people that have
(08:17):
sent me their brother or theirfriend, that have sent me their
brother or their friend, and sofar that has not been how.
I haven't gone on a date withanyone of those people.
But it's a lot different.
So just fair warning, if you'relike, oh, it's going to be so
easy to date and meet people, no, it's not.
(08:38):
And then you're just meeting apicture, right, you don't even
know their personality, youdon't even know their last name
and what.
I also have found and heardthat people will post a picture
but that was like 20 years agoor 10 years ago, or they lie
about their age.
They lie about their height.
My daughter is like mom.
(08:59):
They lie about their age.
They lie about their height.
My daughter is like mom.
Any man that says whateverheight they are, just deduct two
inches, which I find hysterical.
That men like to lie abouttheir height, but women we lie
about our weight, right?
I mean, they don't ask you whatyou weigh, but it's just
interesting.
It's a very good socialexperiment, anyways.
So this year I decided, okay,I'm going to get on the dating
(09:22):
app again.
Matched with several people.
The other thing I found thatyou match with people you think,
oh, this is our time tocommunicate.
Oh, no, dead silence, right,like, are you on the app for a
reason?
Did you forget you were on theapp?
Why aren't we communicating?
And don't ask me, ask me anopen-ended question.
(09:42):
If I ask you an open-endedquestion, you should respond
with an open-ended question withme, as opposed to no.
Yeah, I mean, we are in, am onthis experiment, right, can I
(10:04):
get a date?
Can I get a date in the year of2025?
Okay.
The other thing if you aredating, like, really get clear
on what you're looking for,because for me, I am looking for
someone to add to my life,because I already have an
amazing life.
I don't want someone that itwould be a burden or Anyways.
(10:30):
And I've decided I've alreadybeen a mom.
I love being a mom.
I have four amazing kids, but Idon't want to raise your kids.
I don't want to be a stepmom.
I don't want to raise your kids, right.
I don't want to be a stepmom, Idon't want to be a bonus mom, I
want to be a friend to youradult children.
And so a lot of 50-year-olds,people in their 50s, have
(10:51):
younger kids, which is, I guess,valid, right?
They got married later or forwhatever reason, they have a
four-year-old and a 10-year-oldand so that's immediate no for
me.
I'm sure you're a great guy,but I don't want to deal with
your ex-wife.
I don't want to deal withraising teenagers again.
(11:12):
I did that and it was hard andI love my kids and I'm sure I
could like yours and probablylove yours Little ones.
I just don't want to be aparent of them.
So I have a few like absoluteno's, okay, and for me, women in
(11:34):
general right, like it's a risk.
There are some women thatreally need to find
companionship because they dohave little kids.
If I would have divorced myhusband years ago, I'm sure I
would have been in a differentmindset around dating and
finding a companion again, butmy mindset now is no, I love my
(11:57):
life, I love my freedom, I wanta companion, I think.
But it's going to lookdifferent.
So really get clear on what youwant.
And if you find yourselfjumping in when you're not ready
, that means you're just nothealed yet and that's okay.
Dating obviously will give youtriggers, especially if you've
(12:21):
been betrayed, but it is a wayto really learn lessons about
yourself and to have huge growthopportunities, I think.
Okay.
So now on to what I want toshare with you.
So here I am talking with a fewdifferent men, and there is one
(12:42):
from out of state, and so hementioned he was going to come
to where I live.
And I'm like, cool, one day.
He's like hey, do you want togo to dinner?
And unfortunately it was atthree and I already did have
plans, and so I said no, butwhat about?
(13:03):
Maybe tomorrow or another daywe could go to lunch.
So he agreed and that happenedlate at night, 10 o'clock at
night.
I'm like, oh my gosh, my firstdate is going to be tomorrow.
Oh my gosh, my first date isgoing to be tomorrow.
And I decided also in my dating,like I'm going to be very
(13:24):
transparent with my kids.
I'm going to let them know, hey, I'm going to go on a date
because we have a lot of historyof secrets and lying in our
family, sadly, and I'm just notdoing that anymore.
I have nothing to hide and I'mnot covering for that anymore.
I have nothing to hide and I'mnot covering for myself.
There's no need, right?
(13:45):
I'm very pro.
We do not lie in my house andif we do, it's a problem.
But so far, so good, as far asI know, right.
But my kids were pretty closeand pretty honest, so I just
wanted to tell them and I justhave to give a big shout out to
my kids were pretty close andpretty honest, so I just wanted
to tell them and I just have togive a big shout out to my kids
(14:05):
how sweet and kind and excitedthey were for me, which means a
lot.
I know they want their mom tobe happy and honestly I'm so
happy.
But I think a little part ofthem thinks like okay, cool, my
mom's going on a date, like wow,this is exciting, anyways.
So my daughter she of course we.
Okay, cool, my mom's going on adate, like wow, this is
exciting, anyways.
So my daughter she of course wego to my closet.
What am I going to wear?
(14:25):
I'm like, okay, let me decideon my pants and then pick out a
few tops and tomorrow I'll trythem on and see what is feeling
good, right?
So I had an appointment andluckily it was a hair
appointment.
I didn't tell him that becauseI was like, okay, I just have an
(14:46):
appointment, so we need to goafter my appointment.
So I set the time and attemptedto go to sleep and I found
myself so nervous I felt like Iwas like a teenager again.
I was like, oh my gosh, I can'tbelieve.
After all, this time like it'sbeen a long time I'm going to go
(15:12):
to dinner with, or actuallylunch, I'm going to lunch with
another man that's not my spouseand is a stranger that I met on
the internet.
I mean, that feels scary, rightand so, but this is the way,
this is how you do it.
My kids are like mom, you meethim there, you pay for your own
(15:35):
lunch.
And if my daughter's like, ifyou're having a hard time, like
if it's awkward or weird, tellhim you have to go to the
bathroom, text me, I will callyou and you can just tell him
you need to go because your kidsneed you.
So I was like, okay, this isour plan, right, this is my way
(15:56):
out, in case something.
You know, he's a creep or weirdor whatever.
So I really struggled sleepingand I woke up and I started
getting ready.
I actually made a video so youcan go watch it on my Instagram
stories, or not Instagramstories on my reel.
(16:17):
I made a reel.
So get ready for the day.
Go get my hair done which wasgreat, because you always feel
better when you have your hairdone by someone else than
yourself and I drive to thelocation.
Well, originally he said hey, doyou want to meet at this
restaurant?
That was in the city that Ilive in.
(16:38):
And when I saw that, I was like, no, I do not want to meet
there.
But past me, I think would havejust said sure, because I
didn't want to.
What if I told him I didn'twant to go there?
And I think I just wasn't asconfident.
But I said, actually, I'dprefer to go to this restaurant
(16:58):
in this city.
I said, actually, I'd prefer togo to this restaurant in this
city.
Are you okay with that?
So I'm really proud of mebecause I am really getting good
at speaking what I want andneed, and he didn't care, right,
clearly, because he was likeperfect.
And then the other thing is Iwas thinking, oh, I'm going to,
(17:21):
probably I might be running late, so I just wanted to tell him
and my kids laugh at me becausethey're like you didn't need to
tell him that I'm like well,when you're in your 50s, you
tell people.
That's the kind thing to do inmy opinion.
This is who I am, so I get,when you're in your 20s, you
date differently, but I thinkpeople in their 50s, hopefully,
are a little bit more mature andkinder.
(17:44):
Anyways, so, if you guys know, Ihave a group of friends that I
go walking with and I haven'teven told them that this was
happening, because I didn't knowit was happening Thursday, when
I went on a walk with them, ithappened that night and so I
decided to send them a video andthey went crazy.
They couldn't believe it.
So I show up at the restaurantfive minutes early and he's not
(18:09):
there and I got this pit in mystomach and I thought, oh, what
if he's not coming?
Okay, well, that's okay, I canhave lunch and it will be fine.
It didn't mean anything aboutme and it's okay if he's not
coming.
I learned a lot getting readyfor this and feeling like, am I
(18:32):
ready for this?
So I text them.
He's not here.
They're like it's okay, justwait, he's going to show up.
He's going to show up, which Ireally appreciated.
They're giving me that boostand sure enough he walks in the
door.
And sure enough he walks in thedoor.
And I laughed because I think Ishook his hand, which, of course
(18:53):
, weird, right.
But he looked at me and he said, oh, thank goodness, you look
like your pictures, I'm notgetting catfished.
And I said, oh, is that acommon thing?
He said it happens a lot, and Ijust think that's so sad, right
?
People are presentingthemselves in a way and they're
(19:14):
not that person, and I've heardfrom many other people that I've
told this story to that they'relike oh my gosh, that has
happened to me so many times.
And so if you are dating, putyour real picture out there.
You don't want to show up andhave the random person or put a
recent picture, not from 10years ago.
(19:35):
Okay, we change and we have tojust embrace what we look like
right today, right?
So anyways, he of course, made ajoke about me being a betrayal
coach, which was sweet and kindand we ordered our food and I
get my wallet out and he's likeabsolutely not, I'm paying.
(19:57):
He's like I am paying for yourlunch, which I really
appreciated and I didn't mind.
I wouldn't have thoughtanything if I would have paid,
but it was really sweet that hewanted to pay for my lunch.
So we go, sit down, have lunchand I was really focused on okay
(20:20):
, how am I going to feel sittingat lunch with another man and
is it going to feel awkward?
Am I going to feel, am I goingto get triggered?
Am I going to feel like I amcheating?
Right, because even though I'vebeen divorced, I was so loyal
(20:41):
to my husband to a fault, right,loyalty is a great quality I
have, but it kind of kept me inan unhealthy marriage for a long
time.
So I just was curious, like,okay, how am I going to feel?
(21:01):
And honestly, I felt nothing.
I wasn't like feeling betrayed,like I was betraying someone.
I felt very authentic, real,like this feels good and normal,
which was such good informationfor me, right, like that's why
I think I'm so proud of myselffor doing this, because it was
stepping out of my comfort zoneand kind of gauging like, okay,
(21:23):
how healed am I?
Right, all the work I've beendoing, all the things I tell
people, I coach people on everyday and I'm implementing it too,
and it's working, and so I wasjust really happy about that.
But, honestly, I couldn't haveasked for a better first date.
He was golden, he was amazing.
(21:46):
We talked for two hours.
I think we could have stayedthere for even longer if he
didn't have somewhere to go andI mean it would have been
awkward to stay at where we werefor longer than that.
But I just am so grateful thathe wasn't all the things I
(22:07):
created in my mind that a firstdate could be, all the horror
stories that I've heard about,or weird things or creepy.
I didn't feel unsafe, which isreally important to me.
Do I feel safe with you?
That's important.
So I don't know.
So I don't know.
(22:34):
I really like in that momentafter well, okay, so after the
two hours we left, we walked outtogether, we drove obviously
separate cars, and he's like canI give you a hug?
And I'm like, sure, and I guessI went in for the side hug,
which my kids have totallyteased me.
They're like mom, you gave hima side hug.
I'm like I don't know.
That's just how it happened.
So I'm still awkward, right,I'm still it, just I don't know.
(22:59):
That's what happened.
So that is the story of my firstdate with this person, with
this person.
But what I learned is that Icould see myself in that moment,
after I sat in my car and I waslike I have had my heart locked
(23:20):
up in a million chains andlocks and I'm like no way am I
ever getting married again, noway am I ever opening my heart
to someone, because it wasshattered in a million pieces a
million times over and overagain.
(23:40):
So I really just kind of haveshoved that down, that thought
and that feeling, and in thatmoment I realized like, oh,
there are really good men outthere, there are people that
don't cheat, right, that don'thave affairs Okay.
(24:01):
The other side note is he has asimilar story as me and I
didn't know how much that wouldresonate with me, how much that
connected me with someone, but ahundred million percent I think
whoever if I ever do choose tomarry, they will have shared the
(24:25):
betrayal experience.
I could be wrong about that,but the fact that he felt the
same pain that I have reallyfelt very connective, very
important to me.
That is something like, oh,interesting, and so I didn't
(24:49):
know, because I haven't everdated anyone besides him and so
his story was so similar to mystory and I really appreciated
that Anyways.
So as I was reflecting, I waslike, oh, I could see myself
maybe dating more or getting ina serious relationship.
(25:15):
I know something about myselfis that I'm not one to like want
to date 10 men, five men, threemen at the same time.
Like I'm, I'm a more like Iwant to just be with you, right,
like if I find someone, it'slike no, we're going to just be
together, like I don't need tobe dating around.
I know that that's not who I am, but you got to find that
(25:38):
person right, find the match.
So, anyways, it really openedmy eyes up and it's been really
fun.
It's been really fun.
I just appreciate my kids, myfriends, how supportive and
they're my cheerleaders.
I don't know why I'm gettingemotional, but for a long time I
(26:02):
felt alone in my pain, and nowI know I have a whole group of
women and my own children and myparents and my siblings
cheering for me to be happy, andI am happy, but the possibility
that there is a good man outthere that can love me, for me
(26:28):
and that isn't lying to me andgaslighting me and criticizing
me all the time and wanting meto be different.
Anyways, it was just reallybeautiful.
So I felt my heart kind of open, a little bit open to okay,
maybe this could be apossibility, to okay, maybe this
(26:54):
could be a possibility, maybe Icould meet someone.
Right, the fear kind ofdissipated and I do have lots of
other concerns and worries andanyways.
So I just want to shout out ifyou are where I am want, shout
(27:15):
out if you are where I am.
Doing hard things is a way tostretch and grow, and I just
want you to know that you canfind your happily even after.
If you want to learn how tolive happily even after, sign up
for my email at hello atlifecoachjen with one n dot com.
Follow me on Instagram andFacebook at happily even after.
Coach, let's work together tocreate your happily even after.
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