April 28, 2025 • 29 mins
The journey from being a hands-on parent to navigating relationships with adult children brings unexpected challenges that few of us are prepared to handle. How do we maintain meaningful connections while respecting their growing independence? When do we offer advice versus simply listening? And what happens when our children make choices that conflict with our values or expectations?
This deeply personal episode explores the delicate evolution of parent-child relationships as our children mature into adulthood. Drawing from my own experiences as a divorced mother of four adult children, I share candid insights about letting go of control and embracing a new paradigm based on mutual respect. The key question that guides my approach: "What does love look like here?"
We examine practical strategies for respecting boundaries, avoiding unsolicited advice, and healing past wounds through honest communication. For those who've experienced divorce or betrayal, I offer compassionate guidance on helping your children process their grief while managing your own emotional landscape. The reality is that our children witnessed our pain during these difficult transitions, and acknowledging this shared history creates space for authentic connection.
Perhaps most challenging is releasing our preconceived notions about how our children's lives "should" unfold. When they choose different spiritual paths, career directions, or relationship structures than we imagined, we face a profound opportunity for growth. By trusting our children's capacity to navigate their own journeys and cultivating rich, independent lives of our own, we free them from feeling responsible for our happiness while modeling healthy adulthood.
Whether you're struggling with empty nest syndrome, navigating post-divorce family dynamics, or simply wanting to deepen your connection with your grown children, this episode offers heartfelt wisdom for transforming your relationship. Ready to move beyond old patterns and create something beautiful? Join me as we explore what it truly means to parent adult children with love, respect, and genuine curiosity.
Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.
Email me: hello@lifecoachjen.com for any comments or questions.
Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.
My website is www.lifecoachjen.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Welcome to my podcast .
Happily, even After.
I'm life coach, jen, I'mpassionate about helping people
recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only
(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today, we begin to help youlive happily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast.
Recently, on my Instagramstories, I asked people to leave
me ideas for my podcast and mysweet daughter, bless her heart.
(00:54):
She said mom, can I leave youan idea?
Because the thing is, I wasgiving away $25.
Now, the week before, I gaveaway $5 and not one person
entered my contest.
I'm like, okay, I'm going tohave to up the ante.
So I made it 25 and two peopleentered my contest.
One of them was my sweetdaughter and, of course, I did
(01:17):
give her $25 because she did.
She had a great idea and Ithink her idea was meant for me
to do some research and figureit out, because it was how to
navigate your relationshipsbetween your adult children.
And I'm going to talk just as aparent, right, I'm a mom,
(01:39):
realizing that my situation I'mdivorced with four children,
realizing that my situation I'mdivorced, with four children and
I would say I'm the main parentin my children's life.
Three of my children live withme, so my parenting is different
, maybe with my oldest daughter,who's married and doesn't live
with me, you know but my kidsare technically all adults,
(02:03):
right?
So take what you can from whatI'm talking about and implement
them.
Maybe you have a husband, maybeyou are married, and so that's
probably a little bit different,right?
But my situation is that I'mdivorced.
So that is just another layerthat I have to work with and
work around with my kids, whohave experienced the divorce
(02:26):
with me, and they saw me gothrough the divorce, right, they
were with me while I was in mycloset, crying my eyes out and
completely devastated and tryingto get through the day.
So they have experienced mypain.
It's really hard to hide thatfrom your kids.
I wish it was possible, butit's not, at least for me, it
(02:50):
was not so anyway.
So I'm going to give you someideas, some things for you to
think about, and I think this isreally powerful work if you can
be able to separate yourselffrom your children, Because I
want you to know that you were agreat mom.
You were a great dad.
(03:11):
You did your best right, andsometimes your best sucked, and
sometimes my best did too.
You need to acknowledge thatpart of yourself, too, right.
Sometimes you're really messedup and I'm not saying our kids
are perfect, but you are theadult.
You will always be their parent, whether you know you're 80 and
they're 50, you're going to betheir mom, you're going to be
(03:32):
their dad.
So I just think this is reallygood information.
This is going to help you inyour life.
It will serve you well.
I think the first thing you needto recognize that your roles
are different.
They are becoming their ownperson, who, they are right, and
(03:57):
I think it gets muddy because,at least for me, I financially
support my kids still.
I give them a roof over theirhead and I feed them and clothe
them, and so people I think canuse that kind of as a weapon.
Right?
Like you know, I still let yousleep in my house.
How dare you do that, orwhatever.
That's just not my approach.
I come at everything I do asmuch as possible with the idea
(04:22):
of what does love look like here, with the idea of what does
love look like here?
How does love show up?
Because our kids are goingthrough a lot of really hard
things right now and I recognizethat and I recognize I
contributed to their pain alittle bit right with my divorce
and my marriage.
And so I just try to look at itthrough the lens of what does
(04:46):
love look like?
Because and you know I getsometimes love looks like not
allowing your kids to live inyour home and that's 100% okay.
That's not where I am at, butyou've got to just decide that
as opposed to anger and fear andhatred, right, and that's just
(05:06):
the lens that I'm coming through.
So just know, when your kidsbecome adults, they get to
choose choices that sometimesyou might not agree with, but
that's okay.
Like I think our brain sometimesscreams at us and like this is
dangerous.
This isn't right.
But the thing is we don't knowwhat's right for our kids all
(05:29):
the time.
We've got to trust them and Ilove this thought is, if you
know your child is doingsomething that you disagree with
or think that they shouldn't do, you can say something like I
trust you've thought thisthrough and I'm proud of you for
doing what feels right to you,like kind of coming from that
(05:53):
perspective, because I think ourkids they need to know their
parents trust them, that they'reconfident in them.
And I'm not saying this is easy, this is hard, but sometimes
we're just looking right at theproblem that's going on.
But if we can have like alonger lens and be like no, I
know they're going to figurethis out, maybe not at 19, but
(06:15):
maybe I'm guessing by the timethey're 25 or even 30, right.
So kids, I think, show up whenwe know we can be confident in
who they are, that we respecttheir independence, even if the
decisions they're making aredifferent than the decisions
we're making.
Because when I was 19 and 20 and21, like, the world was
(06:39):
different, my life was differentthan theirs, my experience was
different.
So I can't compare myexperience and think that that's
what they should do.
So I just think it's reallyimportant to acknowledge the
reality of the situation.
This has changed and you get todo that however you want.
But it's just a good mind shiftfor you to do and this is work
(07:03):
worth doing.
These are your kids.
I'm guessing you want arelationship with your kids
shift for you to do and this iswork worth doing.
These are your kids.
I'm guessing you want arelationship with your kids.
I know I do.
I always want to have arelationship with my kids.
I love my kids and I get thatthey're going to make different
decisions than I did, respectingyour child's autonomy and
boundaries.
Respecting your child'sautonomy and boundaries, now I
(07:32):
get sometimes you're not goingto agree with what they're doing
or they might create a boundaryand you're like that's
ridiculous, right, but we've gotto respect our kids, that they
know what's best for them.
My kids with the divorce, theyhave different boundaries with
me and they have differentboundaries with their dad.
Right, and I'm not going tospeak for him, but I'm guessing
some of those he doesn't like,he doesn't agree with Some of
(07:56):
them, might be annoying, but themore he respects them, that
builds the trust and that's whatthe kids are seeking, right,
they want to be able to knowlike, okay, I'm going to say
this thing, I don't want anycontact with you and then if he
respects that, that's going tobuild trust, okay.
(08:16):
So our actions if we havedifferent things that our kids
are asking us to do or not to doI know this happens a lot when
we live close to our kids andour kids are having
grandchildren or whatever and wejust show up, right, it's a
problem, right, we need torespect our kids.
If our kids are like you needto call first before you come
(08:38):
over.
I hope that you learn and youcall first.
I have a daughter that she isvery germaphobic and so I
guarantee when she has a babyshe's going to have lots of
rules of how to interact withher baby.
And I'm going to probably thinklike, oh, that's ridiculous, I
(08:58):
didn't do that when you were achild and you weren't sick and
you were totally healthy.
However, I love her and I'mgoing to respect her.
And if she wants me to wash myhands, and of course she would
want, going to respect her.
And if she wants me to wash myhands, and of course she would
want me to wash her hands, butlike, if she has these extra
steps that I didn't do with her,that's okay.
Like I'm not going to make itmean anything about her or mean
(09:21):
anything about me, okay.
And if you're feeling like Iwant a relationship with my kids
but they're not answering theirphone, I hear that a lot Like,
well a relationship with my kidsbut they're not answering their
phone.
I hear that a lot like well, Itext my kids and they never text
me back.
Just realize kids just aren'ttexting their parents back.
But I am very grateful my kidsreally almost always will text
(09:43):
me back because that's just thekind of relationship we've built
.
But if they didn't, I wouldprobably reach out and say you
know what?
I know you're busy, but I'mhere whenever and I would love
to catch up with you.
I'm going to keep the pathopened instead of block and be
angry, right?
A lot of people are like well,if they're not reaching out to
(10:04):
me, if they're not texting me,then I'm not going to text them.
Well, that's not the adultthing to do, that's not what a
parent would do.
I'm guessing you want to havethat relationship and it just
might take a little bit morecreativeness and effort and know
like my child maybe isstruggling with something or
maybe is dealing with something,and how can I show up for them
(10:26):
even if I'm not actually talkingto them?
You get to create thatrelationship anyways.
Oftentimes, I think, especiallywith like religion or politics,
our kids might have a differentviewpoint than you.
That's okay.
Sometimes our brain's like, ohmy gosh, this is very dangerous
and we need to like immediatelycorrect it.
(10:47):
But instead, what if you justget curious and talk to them and
say you know, I really respectyour perspective, even if we see
things differently?
I have one child that reallysees the world differently than
I do, but I am fascinated when Italk to him and hear his ideas.
(11:09):
Really, all my kids havedifferent perspectives than I do
and that's okay.
Like I've learned a lot.
I really like I'm so gratefulthat I was able to get out of my
mindset right, because, ofcourse, when they were born, I
had this vision of them how wewould all grow up, how our
(11:31):
family would look like, how theywould go to college and go on
missions for our church and getmarried in the temple and all
these ideas.
And I'm just going to say Irealized, especially going
through betrayal and gettingdivorced, like I needed to get
(11:53):
rid of all those ideas that Ihad.
It was causing me a lot of painand really not helpful for me
to show up in my being a mom tomy kids in a good way, and so I
was like you know what?
I have no idea what my life isgoing to look like, because what
I thought it was going to looklike has not turned out that way
(12:14):
and that's 100% okay.
I'm actually loving who I'vebecome, despite my spouse
cheating on me and me gettingdivorced, like all the hard
things.
I really like who I have become.
I feel like I'm much morecompassionate, empathetic,
(12:35):
tolerant, more curious withother people, more open to new
ideas and perspectives.
I just feel more at peace andI'm not trying to be something
that I created and invented inmy head, and so I really would
(12:57):
challenge you to just getcurious with your kids.
This is a new day and age andkids are finding out all sorts
of things that I'm stilllearning at 50.
I'm like, oh my gosh, I had noidea.
You know, they tell me things.
I have to ask them what wordsmean and what this means, and
(13:18):
they're like you didn't knowthat.
I'm like I had no idea.
I've never experienced this inmy life.
So I just would challenge youto get curious and respect your
kids' boundaries Another greatlesson that I have learned
through going through divorceand raising my kids in a home
(13:39):
that I thought was safe, like Ithink it was my pretend fantasy
world, right, like in my mind,like you're just having just
this beautiful, happy life, andin reality, no, there was a lot
of like this underlying feeling,like always walking on
eggshells, that we all wereexperiencing, not realizing.
(14:01):
We were all experiencing thisand I've had to do a lot of
repair.
So I think apologizing andtaking ownership for any past
behavior that you might havedone is so powerful for kids,
because that shows that you areaware of it, and especially when
they bring it to you.
(14:21):
Now, sometimes and I've learnedthis too sometimes our kids
they just want to tell us howthey experience their life and
they don't want us to try to fixit or explain it.
They just want us toacknowledge their pain, and
that's really hard to do.
If you've done it,congratulations.
(14:41):
But I have practiced andsometimes I'm good at it and my
kids can call me out.
They're like mom, I just needyou to listen, and so I'm
grateful that they're able tohave that voice and just say it.
But sometimes our kids justneed to speak it and that's it
and have you hear it.
But other times there's going toneed to be repaired, there's
(15:04):
going to need to be an apology,there's going to be like, hey,
mom, do you remember when thishappened, when I was nine years
old?
And you know, probably you haveto dig down deep to remember
that, figure that out and belike, oh yeah, this is what was
actually going on, this is whatI pretended was happening, but
this is what reality was.
And having those open-heartedcommunications when your kids
(15:26):
are ready right, I think I'vedefinitely made the mistake is
like, okay, let me tell them allthe crap that I've been going
through for the past 26 years.
And I quickly learned like, ohno, that's not a good idea
either, because I'm likeprojecting my pain onto my kids,
right, and so luckily, thatdidn't happen often and I
(15:51):
realized like, okay, I need tobe going to the therapist for
this, to get this off myconscious, heal this part of me
and allow my kids to have theother part that they need healed
.
And when they're ready, they'regoing to come talk to me.
They're going to come talk toyou when your kids are ready.
And so just acknowledge, ofcourse we make mistakes, right,
(16:15):
and we're not perfect andforgiveness, healing is totally
possible if you have acompassionate, curious mindset,
right, if you're not likecritical and negative, that's
going to be really hard for yourkids to come to you.
They're not going to feel safeto have a conversation with you.
(16:36):
Another thing that is reallyhard as a parent, but we need to
be conscious about when we haveadult kids, is giving
unsolicited advice.
Now we're the parent, we thinkwe have this amazing advice, we
know all the answers becausewe've already been through all
this.
But I just want you to considerwhat if we have no idea?
(16:57):
What if our child?
We've raised them, they arecapable of figuring this out and
we can trust that they will.
You can always ask like wouldyou like my thoughts on this or
would you prefer to figure itout on your own?
That's a great thing to say toyour child, right?
And if you find yourself justgiving this advice, if you can
(17:21):
catch it and say you know what,let me try over, let me do this
over, because you can kind oftell in their body language.
Or if they get angry, right,you always tell me what I should
do.
And then, kids, they tend torebel, right, so they do the
exact opposite.
So just be aware, unlessthey're coming to you for advice
(17:43):
, they just want someone tolisten, they want someone to
hear them.
They want someone to voicewhatever they're feeling, okay.
So this is something topractice Allowing our kids to
make mistakes this is anotherreally hard one.
But if you look at your own life, how we learn and grow is
(18:04):
because we make mistakes, andthat is what we're here for.
We're supposed we make mistakesand that is what we're here for
.
We're supposed to make mistakes.
And so sometimes you know themistakes have bigger
consequences.
But sometimes kids, that's justhow they learn to get through
life is by making mistakes, andit is really hard.
So I just think, find a way tohelp yourself, because it's not
(18:27):
our kid's job to make us feelgood, it's not their job to make
sure we're happy.
It's our job to make sure we'rehappy and we're healthy and
we're taking care of ourselves.
So I just think it's importantto figure out a way to allow
them right you want them to besafe, but give them the
opportunity to make mistakes.
(18:50):
It's important to addressproblems and resolve
disagreements constructively.
So I think, creating goodcommunication right with your
kids, teaching them how tocommunicate well, teaching them
to talk about things.
For years I think I for sure aman avoider, but through coaching
(19:12):
, through lots of practice, Idon't avoid things anymore.
If I have something, I'm goingto address it and I'm going to
address it in the kindest waypossible.
Right, and luckily I've learnedenough tools and things to
practice with that I can havethese hard in.
I'm going to just call themhard conversations, right, just
(19:33):
maybe they're uncomfortableconversations.
But how you learn how to dothis is you have to practice
doing it, not avoiding, notpretending, not waiting until
the disagreement like gets into,like yelling and screaming and
punching holes in the wall.
Like hopefully that doesn'thappen, but I know for some
families that's the reality andso finding healthy ways to
(19:57):
communicate with your adultchildren, especially when
they're living in your house Now, I know it's different when our
kids are away from us, but youcan still have conversations and
if you disagree and decide,sometimes as parents we think
something's a problem that it'snot a problem, so don't make it
(20:18):
a problem.
Like I know, I've had certainthoughts like I worry about
things, that it's like animaginary worry, Like why am I
worried about someone getting ajob or not getting a job, or
getting a certain job or goingto school?
It's like not even my life ormy problem, and if it becomes my
issue or something I need tohelp with, that's when I can
(20:40):
talk about it.
But me worrying about it isonly causing me pain, and so I
think as parents, especiallywomen we cause ourselves a lot
of unneeded pain due to thethoughts in our head and to the
worries that may not even happen.
Another thing I think that'simportant because sometimes we
(21:01):
really our kids feel like, oh,I've got to take care of my mom,
especially since I'm divorcedand my kids still live with me.
But no, create your own liferight.
It's not your kid's job to beyour entertainment.
And I even know children thatare like married and have five
kids, that they feel like theyhave to be the ones to take care
(21:22):
of their parents or to be theirparents' entertainment.
Right, and it's almost like themom they expect it, and I think
that isn't the healthiest wayand there is so many better ways
.
Your kids shouldn't feel likeit's their responsibility to
entertain you, make you happy.
(21:43):
Of course you want to hang outwith your kids we love our kids
right, but create a life thatyou want, with your own friends,
with your own hobbies andthings to do, and I've really
tried to do that, especiallythis year I've been very
intentional that I'm going outwith my friends and going on
(22:04):
trips and doing things outsideof what my kids are doing, right
, and when they go out out, Ilove it.
When they go out, I'm so happylike I'm perfectly content at
home watching Netflix and doingpuzzles, like that's happy for
me, or, you know, whatever elseI'm doing around the house.
So making sure your kids knowlike you're okay, it's not their
(22:27):
job, it's not theirresponsibility, because that
could be such a big weight forthem.
And so, especially those thathave that more in their nature,
you know, have a conversationwith them.
Let them see, tell them.
I always tell my kids like, oh,my gosh, I had so much fun, or
this is what I did, because Iwant them to know like I'm not
just at home, I'm not feelingsorry for myself, I don't feel
sorry for myself.
I want to tell them that I wantthem to know like I'm not just
(22:48):
at home, I'm not feeling sorryfor myself, I don't feel sorry
for myself.
I want to tell them that I wantthem to know that Cultivating
connection is just making surehow can I connect with my child?
And even if that child has saidthey're not ready to have a
relationship.
Maybe something's happened inyour past.
(23:09):
There are still ways tocultivate a relationship with
your children, right?
You have to be creative, youhave to get curious.
One thing I will say mydaughter does not talk to her
dad, but for Christmas he gaveher a subscription to Vogue
magazine and I'm reallyimpressed that he did that,
(23:30):
because she gets that everymonth and it was one of her
favorite Christmas gifts and I'mguessing it wasn't really that
expensive I don't know how mucha subscription I mean 50 bucks,
and that's something right,because every time she sees that
.
So you can get creative, likeyou have to just think out of
(23:52):
the box.
People get in a whole well,they're not responding to my
texts and they make it all aboutthem.
Realize it's not about you,it's about what's going on for
your child.
So how can you even if it'slike I can say a prayer for them
, I can send them a letter,something right, it's your job.
So figure it out and don't makeit about you, okay.
(24:13):
So that was a lot, but justreally, I think, with adult
children, if you're justexperiencing this, wherever you
are in this with adult kids,think about how you wished you
would have been treated, or youwant to be treated as an adult,
because we're all children ofparents, right, and you might be
(24:35):
like, well, my parents did it,perfect, great.
Okay, well, you might not bedoing it perfect, and especially
when divorce is in the mix oreven betrayal like we have to
allow our kids to feel whateverfeelings they need to feel.
Okay, sometimes our kids justwant to be angry and sad and mad
, and that's okay.
You have to allow them to feeltheir emotions, can't get all
(25:00):
irritated or frustrated becauseit's just not going to be
helpful, but it's important andit's a grief.
Like there's a lot of grief,right, divorce.
That's why divorce is so hard,because it's the grief of a
family.
No child ever, in my opinion,has said oh, I hope my parents
get divorced someday.
(25:21):
Now, eventually they might beglad that.
Oh, I'm glad my parents gotdivorced.
But when they're little, likethat feels very unsafe and
insecure and so most kids, theywant their parents to stay
together, they want them tofigure it out.
Divorce feels really scary andso allow them.
(25:42):
They're going to have agrieving process.
They're going to be angry atsomeone they're like.
Well, if you, you know, feellike it wasn't even your fault
and they're mad at you.
That could be hurtful, but youjust have to let them feel
however they want to feel.
Okay, remember, acceptingreality is important, right?
Sometimes our kids aren't.
(26:04):
Maybe they're going to stopbelieving in God, or they're not
going to marry the person wethink that they should marry, or
they're not going to have thejob that we think they should
have, or they're not going tomarry the person we think that
they should marry, or they'renot going to have the job that
we think they should have, orthey're not going to go to
college or whatever.
Right?
Whatever your story was of whoyour kids were, reality is so
(26:25):
much better, right?
Just trust your child isfiguring it out, trust that they
will figure it out.
And if you're struggling withthis, like we all are right,
like for me, I'm kind of past,like I don't really get coached
on my former husband anymore,but I get coached on my kids a
(26:45):
lot, right, because I'm like, ohmy gosh, how do I navigate this
?
It feels hard, right?
Sometimes we need help.
It's okay to get help.
It's okay to ask for help.
It's the bravest thing you cando.
It's the best thing you can dois ask for help, because we
don't have all the answers andsometimes having someone else
help us see our minds, help ussee our faulty thoughts that are
(27:09):
going on, because we've hadthis story of how our kids are
going to be for a very long timeand when we have to switch the
story, it can be challenging.
So, anyways, I hope this ishelpful.
I'm so grateful that my daughterasked the question right,
because I think this is a topicworth figuring out, worth
(27:31):
figuring out.
How can I create a betterrelationship with my kids?
How can I shift from changingdiapers to running them, to all
the soccer practices or footballor gymnastics, to now kind of
being an equal, having adifferent relationship with them
?
Because, hopefully, if you'relike me, you just adore and love
(27:52):
your kids and you think they'reamazing and you want them in
your life.
I want my kids in my lifeforever and I know that won't
happen if I show up in a waythat is unhelpful.
Anyways, thanks so much forlistening.
If you need help in any of yourrelationships, especially with
your adult kids, I would love tohelp you reach out and we can
(28:14):
set up a free call and chat.
Anyways, have a beautiful dayand I'll see you next week.
If you want to learn how tolive happily even after, sign up
for my email at hello atlifecoachjenwith1ncom.
Follow me on Instagram andFacebook at Happily Even After
Coach.
Coach Jen with one ncom.
Follow me on Instagram andFacebook at happily even after
coach.
Let's work together to createyour happily even after.
Welcome to my podcast .
Happily, even After.
I'm life coach, jen, I'mpassionate about helping people
recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only
(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today, we begin to help youlive happily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast.
Recently, on my Instagramstories, I asked people to leave
me ideas for my podcast and mysweet daughter, bless her heart.
(00:54):
She said mom, can I leave youan idea?
Because the thing is, I wasgiving away $25.
Now, the week before, I gaveaway $5 and not one person
entered my contest.
I'm like, okay, I'm going tohave to up the ante.
So I made it 25 and two peopleentered my contest.
One of them was my sweetdaughter and, of course, I did
(01:17):
give her $25 because she did.
She had a great idea and Ithink her idea was meant for me
to do some research and figureit out, because it was how to
navigate your relationshipsbetween your adult children.
And I'm going to talk just as aparent, right, I'm a mom,
(01:39):
realizing that my situation I'mdivorced with four children,
realizing that my situation I'mdivorced, with four children and
I would say I'm the main parentin my children's life.
Three of my children live withme, so my parenting is different
, maybe with my oldest daughter,who's married and doesn't live
with me, you know but my kidsare technically all adults,
(02:03):
right?
So take what you can from whatI'm talking about and implement
them.
Maybe you have a husband, maybeyou are married, and so that's
probably a little bit different,right?
But my situation is that I'mdivorced.
So that is just another layerthat I have to work with and
work around with my kids, whohave experienced the divorce
(02:26):
with me, and they saw me gothrough the divorce, right, they
were with me while I was in mycloset, crying my eyes out and
completely devastated and tryingto get through the day.
So they have experienced mypain.
It's really hard to hide thatfrom your kids.
I wish it was possible, butit's not, at least for me, it
(02:50):
was not so anyway.
So I'm going to give you someideas, some things for you to
think about, and I think this isreally powerful work if you can
be able to separate yourselffrom your children, Because I
want you to know that you were agreat mom.
You were a great dad.
(03:11):
You did your best right, andsometimes your best sucked, and
sometimes my best did too.
You need to acknowledge thatpart of yourself, too, right.
Sometimes you're really messedup and I'm not saying our kids
are perfect, but you are theadult.
You will always be their parent, whether you know you're 80 and
they're 50, you're going to betheir mom, you're going to be
(03:32):
their dad.
So I just think this is reallygood information.
This is going to help you inyour life.
It will serve you well.
I think the first thing you needto recognize that your roles
are different.
They are becoming their ownperson, who, they are right, and
(03:57):
I think it gets muddy because,at least for me, I financially
support my kids still.
I give them a roof over theirhead and I feed them and clothe
them, and so people I think canuse that kind of as a weapon.
Right?
Like you know, I still let yousleep in my house.
How dare you do that, orwhatever.
That's just not my approach.
I come at everything I do asmuch as possible with the idea
(04:22):
of what does love look like here, with the idea of what does
love look like here?
How does love show up?
Because our kids are goingthrough a lot of really hard
things right now and I recognizethat and I recognize I
contributed to their pain alittle bit right with my divorce
and my marriage.
And so I just try to look at itthrough the lens of what does
(04:46):
love look like?
Because and you know I getsometimes love looks like not
allowing your kids to live inyour home and that's 100% okay.
That's not where I am at, butyou've got to just decide that
as opposed to anger and fear andhatred, right, and that's just
(05:06):
the lens that I'm coming through.
So just know, when your kidsbecome adults, they get to
choose choices that sometimesyou might not agree with, but
that's okay.
Like I think our brain sometimesscreams at us and like this is
dangerous.
This isn't right.
But the thing is we don't knowwhat's right for our kids all
(05:29):
the time.
We've got to trust them and Ilove this thought is, if you
know your child is doingsomething that you disagree with
or think that they shouldn't do, you can say something like I
trust you've thought thisthrough and I'm proud of you for
doing what feels right to you,like kind of coming from that
(05:53):
perspective, because I think ourkids they need to know their
parents trust them, that they'reconfident in them.
And I'm not saying this is easy, this is hard, but sometimes
we're just looking right at theproblem that's going on.
But if we can have like alonger lens and be like no, I
know they're going to figurethis out, maybe not at 19, but
(06:15):
maybe I'm guessing by the timethey're 25 or even 30, right.
So kids, I think, show up whenwe know we can be confident in
who they are, that we respecttheir independence, even if the
decisions they're making aredifferent than the decisions
we're making.
Because when I was 19 and 20 and21, like, the world was
(06:39):
different, my life was differentthan theirs, my experience was
different.
So I can't compare myexperience and think that that's
what they should do.
So I just think it's reallyimportant to acknowledge the
reality of the situation.
This has changed and you get todo that however you want.
But it's just a good mind shiftfor you to do and this is work
(07:03):
worth doing.
These are your kids.
I'm guessing you want arelationship with your kids
shift for you to do and this iswork worth doing.
These are your kids.
I'm guessing you want arelationship with your kids.
I know I do.
I always want to have arelationship with my kids.
I love my kids and I get thatthey're going to make different
decisions than I did, respectingyour child's autonomy and
boundaries.
Respecting your child'sautonomy and boundaries, now I
(07:32):
get sometimes you're not goingto agree with what they're doing
or they might create a boundaryand you're like that's
ridiculous, right, but we've gotto respect our kids, that they
know what's best for them.
My kids with the divorce, theyhave different boundaries with
me and they have differentboundaries with their dad.
Right, and I'm not going tospeak for him, but I'm guessing
some of those he doesn't like,he doesn't agree with Some of
(07:56):
them, might be annoying, but themore he respects them, that
builds the trust and that's whatthe kids are seeking, right,
they want to be able to knowlike, okay, I'm going to say
this thing, I don't want anycontact with you and then if he
respects that, that's going tobuild trust, okay.
(08:16):
So our actions if we havedifferent things that our kids
are asking us to do or not to doI know this happens a lot when
we live close to our kids andour kids are having
grandchildren or whatever and wejust show up, right, it's a
problem, right, we need torespect our kids.
If our kids are like you needto call first before you come
(08:38):
over.
I hope that you learn and youcall first.
I have a daughter that she isvery germaphobic and so I
guarantee when she has a babyshe's going to have lots of
rules of how to interact withher baby.
And I'm going to probably thinklike, oh, that's ridiculous, I
(08:58):
didn't do that when you were achild and you weren't sick and
you were totally healthy.
However, I love her and I'mgoing to respect her.
And if she wants me to wash myhands, and of course she would
want, going to respect her.
And if she wants me to wash myhands, and of course she would
want me to wash her hands, butlike, if she has these extra
steps that I didn't do with her,that's okay.
Like I'm not going to make itmean anything about her or mean
(09:21):
anything about me, okay.
And if you're feeling like Iwant a relationship with my kids
but they're not answering theirphone, I hear that a lot Like,
well a relationship with my kidsbut they're not answering their
phone.
I hear that a lot like well, Itext my kids and they never text
me back.
Just realize kids just aren'ttexting their parents back.
But I am very grateful my kidsreally almost always will text
(09:43):
me back because that's just thekind of relationship we've built
.
But if they didn't, I wouldprobably reach out and say you
know what?
I know you're busy, but I'mhere whenever and I would love
to catch up with you.
I'm going to keep the pathopened instead of block and be
angry, right?
A lot of people are like well,if they're not reaching out to
(10:04):
me, if they're not texting me,then I'm not going to text them.
Well, that's not the adultthing to do, that's not what a
parent would do.
I'm guessing you want to havethat relationship and it just
might take a little bit morecreativeness and effort and know
like my child maybe isstruggling with something or
maybe is dealing with something,and how can I show up for them
(10:26):
even if I'm not actually talkingto them?
You get to create thatrelationship anyways.
Oftentimes, I think, especiallywith like religion or politics,
our kids might have a differentviewpoint than you.
That's okay.
Sometimes our brain's like, ohmy gosh, this is very dangerous
and we need to like immediatelycorrect it.
(10:47):
But instead, what if you justget curious and talk to them and
say you know, I really respectyour perspective, even if we see
things differently?
I have one child that reallysees the world differently than
I do, but I am fascinated when Italk to him and hear his ideas.
(11:09):
Really, all my kids havedifferent perspectives than I do
and that's okay.
Like I've learned a lot.
I really like I'm so gratefulthat I was able to get out of my
mindset right, because, ofcourse, when they were born, I
had this vision of them how wewould all grow up, how our
(11:31):
family would look like, how theywould go to college and go on
missions for our church and getmarried in the temple and all
these ideas.
And I'm just going to say Irealized, especially going
through betrayal and gettingdivorced, like I needed to get
(11:53):
rid of all those ideas that Ihad.
It was causing me a lot of painand really not helpful for me
to show up in my being a mom tomy kids in a good way, and so I
was like you know what?
I have no idea what my life isgoing to look like, because what
I thought it was going to looklike has not turned out that way
(12:14):
and that's 100% okay.
I'm actually loving who I'vebecome, despite my spouse
cheating on me and me gettingdivorced, like all the hard
things.
I really like who I have become.
I feel like I'm much morecompassionate, empathetic,
(12:35):
tolerant, more curious withother people, more open to new
ideas and perspectives.
I just feel more at peace andI'm not trying to be something
that I created and invented inmy head, and so I really would
(12:57):
challenge you to just getcurious with your kids.
This is a new day and age andkids are finding out all sorts
of things that I'm stilllearning at 50.
I'm like, oh my gosh, I had noidea.
You know, they tell me things.
I have to ask them what wordsmean and what this means, and
(13:18):
they're like you didn't knowthat.
I'm like I had no idea.
I've never experienced this inmy life.
So I just would challenge youto get curious and respect your
kids' boundaries Another greatlesson that I have learned
through going through divorceand raising my kids in a home
(13:39):
that I thought was safe, like Ithink it was my pretend fantasy
world, right, like in my mind,like you're just having just
this beautiful, happy life, andin reality, no, there was a lot
of like this underlying feeling,like always walking on
eggshells, that we all wereexperiencing, not realizing.
(14:01):
We were all experiencing thisand I've had to do a lot of
repair.
So I think apologizing andtaking ownership for any past
behavior that you might havedone is so powerful for kids,
because that shows that you areaware of it, and especially when
they bring it to you.
(14:21):
Now, sometimes and I've learnedthis too sometimes our kids
they just want to tell us howthey experience their life and
they don't want us to try to fixit or explain it.
They just want us toacknowledge their pain, and
that's really hard to do.
If you've done it,congratulations.
(14:41):
But I have practiced andsometimes I'm good at it and my
kids can call me out.
They're like mom, I just needyou to listen, and so I'm
grateful that they're able tohave that voice and just say it.
But sometimes our kids justneed to speak it and that's it
and have you hear it.
But other times there's going toneed to be repaired, there's
(15:04):
going to need to be an apology,there's going to be like, hey,
mom, do you remember when thishappened, when I was nine years
old?
And you know, probably you haveto dig down deep to remember
that, figure that out and belike, oh yeah, this is what was
actually going on, this is whatI pretended was happening, but
this is what reality was.
And having those open-heartedcommunications when your kids
(15:26):
are ready right, I think I'vedefinitely made the mistake is
like, okay, let me tell them allthe crap that I've been going
through for the past 26 years.
And I quickly learned like, ohno, that's not a good idea
either, because I'm likeprojecting my pain onto my kids,
right, and so luckily, thatdidn't happen often and I
(15:51):
realized like, okay, I need tobe going to the therapist for
this, to get this off myconscious, heal this part of me
and allow my kids to have theother part that they need healed
.
And when they're ready, they'regoing to come talk to me.
They're going to come talk toyou when your kids are ready.
And so just acknowledge, ofcourse we make mistakes, right,
(16:15):
and we're not perfect andforgiveness, healing is totally
possible if you have acompassionate, curious mindset,
right, if you're not likecritical and negative, that's
going to be really hard for yourkids to come to you.
They're not going to feel safeto have a conversation with you.
(16:36):
Another thing that is reallyhard as a parent, but we need to
be conscious about when we haveadult kids, is giving
unsolicited advice.
Now we're the parent, we thinkwe have this amazing advice, we
know all the answers becausewe've already been through all
this.
But I just want you to considerwhat if we have no idea?
(16:57):
What if our child?
We've raised them, they arecapable of figuring this out and
we can trust that they will.
You can always ask like wouldyou like my thoughts on this or
would you prefer to figure itout on your own?
That's a great thing to say toyour child, right?
And if you find yourself justgiving this advice, if you can
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catch it and say you know what,let me try over, let me do this
over, because you can kind oftell in their body language.
Or if they get angry, right,you always tell me what I should
do.
And then, kids, they tend torebel, right, so they do the
exact opposite.
So just be aware, unlessthey're coming to you for advice
(17:43):
, they just want someone tolisten, they want someone to
hear them.
They want someone to voicewhatever they're feeling, okay.
So this is something topractice Allowing our kids to
make mistakes this is anotherreally hard one.
But if you look at your own life, how we learn and grow is
(18:04):
because we make mistakes, andthat is what we're here for.
We're supposed we make mistakesand that is what we're here for
.
We're supposed to make mistakes.
And so sometimes you know themistakes have bigger
consequences.
But sometimes kids, that's justhow they learn to get through
life is by making mistakes, andit is really hard.
So I just think, find a way tohelp yourself, because it's not
(18:27):
our kid's job to make us feelgood, it's not their job to make
sure we're happy.
It's our job to make sure we'rehappy and we're healthy and
we're taking care of ourselves.
So I just think it's importantto figure out a way to allow
them right you want them to besafe, but give them the
opportunity to make mistakes.
(18:50):
It's important to addressproblems and resolve
disagreements constructively.
So I think, creating goodcommunication right with your
kids, teaching them how tocommunicate well, teaching them
to talk about things.
For years I think I for sure aman avoider, but through coaching
(19:12):
, through lots of practice, Idon't avoid things anymore.
If I have something, I'm goingto address it and I'm going to
address it in the kindest waypossible.
Right, and luckily I've learnedenough tools and things to
practice with that I can havethese hard in.
I'm going to just call themhard conversations, right, just
(19:33):
maybe they're uncomfortableconversations.
But how you learn how to dothis is you have to practice
doing it, not avoiding, notpretending, not waiting until
the disagreement like gets into,like yelling and screaming and
punching holes in the wall.
Like hopefully that doesn'thappen, but I know for some
families that's the reality andso finding healthy ways to
(19:57):
communicate with your adultchildren, especially when
they're living in your house Now, I know it's different when our
kids are away from us, but youcan still have conversations and
if you disagree and decide,sometimes as parents we think
something's a problem that it'snot a problem, so don't make it
(20:18):
a problem.
Like I know, I've had certainthoughts like I worry about
things, that it's like animaginary worry, Like why am I
worried about someone getting ajob or not getting a job, or
getting a certain job or goingto school?
It's like not even my life ormy problem, and if it becomes my
issue or something I need tohelp with, that's when I can
(20:40):
talk about it.
But me worrying about it isonly causing me pain, and so I
think as parents, especiallywomen we cause ourselves a lot
of unneeded pain due to thethoughts in our head and to the
worries that may not even happen.
Another thing I think that'simportant because sometimes we
(21:01):
really our kids feel like, oh,I've got to take care of my mom,
especially since I'm divorcedand my kids still live with me.
But no, create your own liferight.
It's not your kid's job to beyour entertainment.
And I even know children thatare like married and have five
kids, that they feel like theyhave to be the ones to take care
(21:22):
of their parents or to be theirparents' entertainment.
Right, and it's almost like themom they expect it, and I think
that isn't the healthiest wayand there is so many better ways
.
Your kids shouldn't feel likeit's their responsibility to
entertain you, make you happy.
(21:43):
Of course you want to hang outwith your kids we love our kids
right, but create a life thatyou want, with your own friends,
with your own hobbies andthings to do, and I've really
tried to do that, especiallythis year I've been very
intentional that I'm going outwith my friends and going on
(22:04):
trips and doing things outsideof what my kids are doing, right
, and when they go out out, Ilove it.
When they go out, I'm so happylike I'm perfectly content at
home watching Netflix and doingpuzzles, like that's happy for
me, or, you know, whatever elseI'm doing around the house.
So making sure your kids knowlike you're okay, it's not their
(22:27):
job, it's not theirresponsibility, because that
could be such a big weight forthem.
And so, especially those thathave that more in their nature,
you know, have a conversationwith them.
Let them see, tell them.
I always tell my kids like, oh,my gosh, I had so much fun, or
this is what I did, because Iwant them to know like I'm not
just at home, I'm not feelingsorry for myself, I don't feel
sorry for myself.
I want to tell them that I wantthem to know like I'm not just
(22:48):
at home, I'm not feeling sorryfor myself, I don't feel sorry
for myself.
I want to tell them that I wantthem to know that Cultivating
connection is just making surehow can I connect with my child?
And even if that child has saidthey're not ready to have a
relationship.
Maybe something's happened inyour past.
(23:09):
There are still ways tocultivate a relationship with
your children, right?
You have to be creative, youhave to get curious.
One thing I will say mydaughter does not talk to her
dad, but for Christmas he gaveher a subscription to Vogue
magazine and I'm reallyimpressed that he did that,
(23:30):
because she gets that everymonth and it was one of her
favorite Christmas gifts and I'mguessing it wasn't really that
expensive I don't know how mucha subscription I mean 50 bucks,
and that's something right,because every time she sees that
.
So you can get creative, likeyou have to just think out of
(23:52):
the box.
People get in a whole well,they're not responding to my
texts and they make it all aboutthem.
Realize it's not about you,it's about what's going on for
your child.
So how can you even if it'slike I can say a prayer for them
, I can send them a letter,something right, it's your job.
So figure it out and don't makeit about you, okay.
(24:13):
So that was a lot, but justreally, I think, with adult
children, if you're justexperiencing this, wherever you
are in this with adult kids,think about how you wished you
would have been treated, or youwant to be treated as an adult,
because we're all children ofparents, right, and you might be
(24:35):
like, well, my parents did it,perfect, great.
Okay, well, you might not bedoing it perfect, and especially
when divorce is in the mix oreven betrayal like we have to
allow our kids to feel whateverfeelings they need to feel.
Okay, sometimes our kids justwant to be angry and sad and mad
, and that's okay.
You have to allow them to feeltheir emotions, can't get all
(25:00):
irritated or frustrated becauseit's just not going to be
helpful, but it's important andit's a grief.
Like there's a lot of grief,right, divorce.
That's why divorce is so hard,because it's the grief of a
family.
No child ever, in my opinion,has said oh, I hope my parents
get divorced someday.
(25:21):
Now, eventually they might beglad that.
Oh, I'm glad my parents gotdivorced.
But when they're little, likethat feels very unsafe and
insecure and so most kids, theywant their parents to stay
together, they want them tofigure it out.
Divorce feels really scary andso allow them.
(25:42):
They're going to have agrieving process.
They're going to be angry atsomeone they're like.
Well, if you, you know, feellike it wasn't even your fault
and they're mad at you.
That could be hurtful, but youjust have to let them feel
however they want to feel.
Okay, remember, acceptingreality is important, right?
Sometimes our kids aren't.
(26:04):
Maybe they're going to stopbelieving in God, or they're not
going to marry the person wethink that they should marry, or
they're not going to have thejob that we think they should
have, or they're not going tomarry the person we think that
they should marry, or they'renot going to have the job that
we think they should have, orthey're not going to go to
college or whatever.
Right?
Whatever your story was of whoyour kids were, reality is so
(26:25):
much better, right?
Just trust your child isfiguring it out, trust that they
will figure it out.
And if you're struggling withthis, like we all are right,
like for me, I'm kind of past,like I don't really get coached
on my former husband anymore,but I get coached on my kids a
(26:45):
lot, right, because I'm like, ohmy gosh, how do I navigate this
?
It feels hard, right?
Sometimes we need help.
It's okay to get help.
It's okay to ask for help.
It's the bravest thing you cando.
It's the best thing you can dois ask for help, because we
don't have all the answers andsometimes having someone else
help us see our minds, help ussee our faulty thoughts that are
(27:09):
going on, because we've hadthis story of how our kids are
going to be for a very long timeand when we have to switch the
story, it can be challenging.
So, anyways, I hope this ishelpful.
I'm so grateful that my daughterasked the question right,
because I think this is a topicworth figuring out, worth
(27:31):
figuring out.
How can I create a betterrelationship with my kids?
How can I shift from changingdiapers to running them, to all
the soccer practices or footballor gymnastics, to now kind of
being an equal, having adifferent relationship with them
?
Because, hopefully, if you'relike me, you just adore and love
(27:52):
your kids and you think they'reamazing and you want them in
your life.
I want my kids in my lifeforever and I know that won't
happen if I show up in a waythat is unhelpful.
Anyways, thanks so much forlistening.
If you need help in any of yourrelationships, especially with
your adult kids, I would love tohelp you reach out and we can
(28:14):
set up a free call and chat.
Anyways, have a beautiful dayand I'll see you next week.
If you want to learn how tolive happily even after, sign up
for my email at hello atlifecoachjenwith1ncom.
Follow me on Instagram andFacebook at Happily Even After
Coach.
Coach Jen with one ncom.
Follow me on Instagram andFacebook at happily even after
coach.
Let's work together to createyour happily even after.
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