April 14, 2025 • 28 mins
The parallels between grief and betrayal reveal profound truths about human resilience and our capacity for healing. Drawing inspiration from Molly Bice Jackson's powerful memoir "The Commodity of Connection," this episode explores how the emotional aftermath of betrayal mirrors other devastating life experiences, offering unexpected wisdom for those navigating post-betrayal trauma.
When betrayal shatters our world into a million pieces, we often feel beyond repair. Yet within this devastation lies an opportunity for transformation – what Neal A. Maxwell beautifully describes as "the cavity carved by pain can one day become our receptacle for joy." This paradox forms the heart of betrayal recovery: our capacity to experience profound joy grows in direct proportion to our willingness to feel our deepest pain.
The journey from devastation to healing involves recognizing the beauty in our scars rather than hiding them. These invisible wounds become not just reminders of our pain, but testaments to our survival. By acknowledging what has happened without judgment, processing difficult emotions instead of avoiding them, and learning to meet our own needs before others', we rebuild ourselves – not as we were before, but as something stronger and more authentic.
Perhaps most significantly, we discover the life-saving power of connection. When forced to choose between authentic self-expression and maintaining relationships, humans instinctively sacrifice authenticity for connection. This explains why many remain in relationships that betray their core values and needs. True healing requires finding your "tribe" – people who understand your experience without judgment and create space for your authentic self to emerge.
Ready to transform your betrayal experience into something meaningful? Join me on this healing journey by subscribing to the podcast, signing up for my email list, or reaching out for one-on-one coaching to create your own "happily even after."
Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.
Email me: hello@lifecoachjen.com for any comments or questions.
Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.
My website is www.lifecoachjen.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Welcome to my podcast .
Happily, even After.
I'm life coach, jen, I'mpassionate about helping people
recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only
(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today, we begin to help youlive happily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast.
Today I'm kind of going to do alittle book review, and it's the
book I'm reviewing and talkingabout is the Commodity of
Connection how AuthenticRelationships Saved my Life when
(00:56):
my Daughter Lost Hers, and itis written by my friend, molly
Bice Jackson, and actually I'vehad Molly and her husband on my
podcast, I think in likeFebruary of 2022.
And bizarrely, if you go backand listen to that podcast, it
was when I was doing my podcastwith my husband at the time.
(01:19):
So a blast from the past andhopefully I'm going to have
Molly on again.
She wrote a beautiful book andI just want to start this off by
.
In no way do I think the deathof a child and betrayal are the
same.
However, there is a lot offeelings and emotions that are
(01:45):
similar.
So I'm not saying losing achild is a completely different
experience than having yourspouse cheat on you, have an
affair, betray you okay.
But just reading her book,there were so many things she
said that was like, oh my gosh,that's how I felt, that's how I
(02:09):
feel, that's how I know peoplethat have experienced betrayal
feel I think you should go getthe book.
It's on Amazon, right, totallybuy the book.
I'll put a link of how to getthe book.
It's a quick really.
She's very funny, lighthearted,like her pain.
(02:33):
She has been able to createbeauty from her pain, and so I
just love that, because that'smy goal, right.
Like something so awful asfinding out your spouse has been
lying to you for any length oftime and gaslighting you and
manipulating you and creatingthis craziness inside of you is
(02:56):
very unsettling.
And then to find out he hasbeen with another woman or your
wife has been with another manis just devastating.
But I find sometimes we have tojust laugh and find humor in
this pain, right, and so I justwant to preface that, to say so.
(03:17):
I'm just going to share somequotes, some stories that she
shares, and relate them tobetrayal.
And also the other fun factabout this book is that there's
a whole chapter dedicated to mybrother, and my brother passed
away 11 years ago and of courseI'm getting emotional and so
there's never been a book wheremy brother has been in a book.
(03:40):
I think this is the first timethat I know about, and so I just
think it's beautiful that shededicated a whole chapter to him
and the love that they had foreach other.
They were really great friendsfor a very long time, which is
how I know Molly is from mybrother, justin.
That's another reason thatwe're talking about the book or
(04:03):
that I'm talking about the book.
That's another reason thatwe're talking about the book or
that I'm talking about the book.
There is a quote that she usesoften in this book and it is by
an LDS apostle, neal A Maxwell,and he passed away a long time
ago and he gave this quoteSeptember 1st of 1974.
September 1st of 1974.
(04:30):
So I was three years old whenhe said this, but I just think
that it's such a beautiful quoteand he says the cavity carved
by pain can one day become ourreceptacle for joy, and I just
want you to think about that andthe pain that you feel.
For her it was the death of herdaughter and for you and I, or
(04:50):
whatever pain you have felt,that pain, hopefully, will one
day hold joy.
And the thing that I do believeis, as we get really good at
feeling betrayal anddisappointment and devastation,
all those really hard anger, allthose really negative emotions
(05:13):
that we feel when we find outour spouse has been having an
affair or lying to us or doingthe million other things that
could be happening, other thingsthat could be happening that
our capacity to feel joy justgets stronger.
Right, we cannot feel goodemotions if we aren't willing to
(05:35):
feel negative emotions, and soit is so important to feel our
feelings, and sometimes thatfeels scary and that feels hard,
but I promise that this is true, that you can feel joy again
through the pain.
I think this quote another thingit just helps us to find a
(05:57):
purpose, to live with ourpurpose.
Let so many things go thatwe're holding on to that we
think are helping us, but inreality they're hurting us and
showing up in love, dropping thejudgment of ourselves and
others, also learning to whoeveryou know, loving for me, it's
(06:20):
been loving my kids wherethey're at, not wanting them to
be who I imagined in my brainwhen they were born, accepting
them for who they are andlearning to love me with all my
flaws and all my strengths right, all of me.
I think that has been somethingbeautiful that I've learned,
(06:42):
and just this quote has remindedme of.
And so, in one of her chapters,she talks about this yellow
line.
And you know, they took herdaughter to.
She donated her organs, whichis such a beautiful thing, and
I'm not, I'm not going to.
I want you to go read the book.
(07:03):
So go read the book and you'llfind out about her daughter,
lucy.
But she says this is Molly.
Life, I've learned, is full ofthese lines.
We don't want to cross momentsthat demand we let go of we love
most and move forward into theunknown, even when we feel
(07:24):
wholly unprepared.
And for her, you know herdaughter had passed away and it
was sending her daughter todonate her organs.
But for me, this was divorce,right.
For me, the line was gettingdivorced and I couldn't imagine
doing that until I did it.
And so what is your line?
What are you waiting for?
(07:45):
What are you scared?
What are you holding back on?
What is that fear?
What is that preventing youfrom doing?
And the beautiful thing forMolly you know tragedy, right,
that her daughter passed away,but she was able to give life
and so many organs to otherpeople to let them live.
(08:05):
That was the beauty of it,right For me, the beauty of
divorce.
I can't even the things thatI've learned about myself and my
kids.
And it wasn't as terrible as Ithought, like I thought I was
giving up my family, my eternalfamily.
I just had so many.
I thought how could I be alone?
(08:27):
How could I do this?
How could I?
What would this mean for me?
But for me, divorce has been sobeautiful.
So can you see the beauty inthe really hard choice that you
might have to make?
Okay, and even if you choose tostay after betrayal, that is
(08:47):
still a hard choice.
There's still a lot of workinvolved and still a lot that
you're going to have to dealwith and process and experience.
And really you're going to haveto experience all those things
when you get divorced too, right?
Because if you don't, you'rejust going to fall into the same
pattern, attract the same manor woman, right, and go in the
same spiral as what happenedbefore.
(09:10):
Another quote.
Another thing that she said wasthe world didn't break it.
Shattered Like glass droppedfrom an impossible height, every
piece of me fragmented,scattering into dark unknown.
The weight of grief wasunbearable and a suffocating
gravity that pulled us underdeeper and deeper with each
(09:33):
breath, each heartbeat, eachsilent scream.
There was no putting us backtogether.
We were broken beyond repair,beyond hope.
And when I read that, I'm likethat's how I felt when I
discovered my spouse was havinganother affair or an affair,
(09:54):
right, and I kept on shatteringinto a million pieces and I feel
like for me, it took me to getdivorced to start putting myself
back together.
Right, I thought I was puttingmyself back together and I was
kind of, but it was definitelywith, like, band-aids and duct
(10:15):
tape, but for me, gettingdivorced allowed me to actually
put myself back together, and soI just loved her words, how she
said that.
It just really resonated withme.
Okay, there's a few more thatI'm going to share with you.
(10:38):
So she speaks a lot, right, andshe's a public speaker and in
one of her chapters, in one ofher speeches, she talks about
scars, and I just want to sharesome of her words because I want
you to think about your scars.
What are scars in your life?
Okay, she says.
(11:00):
Molly says scars are the body'sway of reminding us that we
have survived, that we haveendured.
They are both a testament tothe pain we have experienced and
a symbol of our resilience.
In many ways, my deepest scarsare invisible, etched not into
my skin but into my soul.
Yet these scars have become themost beautiful part of me, a
(11:25):
source of strength and areminder that even in the
darkest moments there is a wayforward.
But nothing compares to thescars I live with now, the scars
that only those of us who havelost a loved one or have been
betrayed and I added, and beenbetrayed understand.
Sometimes we are the only oneswho can ever see them or
(11:47):
recognize them in others, and Idefinitely know that's true.
Right, when we meet someone thathas experienced the same
experience as we have, it's aninstant connection, at least for
me it is.
That's why I, like, have somuch joy in helping people.
When I know that someone setsup a free phone call with me,
(12:11):
they get on the line.
I know they're paying beforethey even say it to me.
I know that.
Okay, the reason they're on thephone.
Or the reason they're on theZoom call isn't to tell me about
their day, it's to tell me wow,I just found out my husband's
having an affair, or myhusband's been lying to me for
30 years, or I caught them doingthis or that, and I don't know
(12:36):
what to do and I feel scared andI feel lost.
And so it's this instantconnection, because we share
similar scars.
She goes on to say before I tellyou too much about how I got my
deepest scars, I want to sharea quote with you from a book I
recently finished called LittleBee.
Little Bee is a Nigerian girlwho witnessed and survived
(12:59):
horrific tragedy in her country,as well as enduring two years
inside a British immigrationdetention center.
She implores the reader, I askyou right here, to please agree
with me that a scar is neverugly.
That is what the scar makerswant us to think.
But you and I, we must make anagreement to defy them.
(13:20):
We must see all scars as beauty.
Okay, this will be our secret,and I haven't read that book,
but I think I'm going to.
But I loved that because it'strue.
Sometimes we think why did thishappen to us?
Why was this the thing we hadto go through, but it is, and
(13:44):
denying it is not going to helpus.
But if we can lean into it andsay, okay, what are we learning
from this betrayal?
What are we learning from thisbetrayal?
What are we learning from thisexperience?
What are we gaining?
What are we?
You know, don't hide from itbecause shame wants us to hide.
But instead, it doesn't meanyou have to share it with the
world.
It doesn't mean you have tohave a podcast or become a coach
(14:06):
, right, but just speaking, theunspeakable, speaking about your
scar to someone, to a closefriend, to a coach, to a
therapist, is so healing, right.
We can have that healingconnection, right, and that's
what her whole book is about isconnection.
The last chapter I'm going toshare is chapter 17, which is
(14:27):
about my brother and I'm justgoing to share.
She talks about it's calledMomentary Magic, and this is a
text and it's not even thatemotional, but a text that my
brother sent.
The day that Lucy was in thehospital Woke, thinking about
Lucy came across this quote, sothought I would share.
(14:50):
Time is too slow for those whowait, too swift for those who
fear, too long for those whogrieve, too short for those who
rejoice, but for those who love,time is eternity, and that was
a quote by Henry Van Dyke.
It is better for you to ponderthese words than for me to give
my explanation.
(15:10):
But know that I love you, yourfriend Justin, and the thing I
want you to know about Justin isand she shares his story right
that he was a master connector,like he people in the grocery
store.
He worked at Smith's grocerystore.
(15:31):
He hated the job but like yearsafter he died I would go into
that grocery store.
Like years after he died Iwould go into that grocery store
and people were like I lovedyour brother.
(15:52):
He made me feel good andanyways, we need each other, we
need to feel connected and wecan be connected through our
pain as well as our joy.
But I think the special giftfor those of us that have
experienced excruciating painand I'm going to say betrayal is
excruciating pain is that wecan connect with other people
(16:16):
and have compassion for otherpeople in a way that someone
that hasn't experienced suchexcruciating pain just like
Molly, with her daughter passingaway For years, I carried
Molly's daughter's obituary inmy wallet in my wallet, and I
(16:44):
did that because I had littlegirls at the time and I think I
had three kids when she passedaway.
But I always wanted to rememberthat life is short and that I
needed to show up for my kidsout of love and compassion,
because I just never knew whentheir last day could be right.
I haven't had that experienceof my children.
My children are all here andI'm so grateful, but those were
(17:08):
hard days for me sometimesbecause I was experiencing
betrayal.
I was experiencing reallypainful things.
Yeah, I really tried to show upfor my kids during those times
and that picture in the obituaryreally helped me.
And another side note so mybrother sang at Lucy's funeral
(17:31):
and then I can't remember howmany years later Molly sang at
my brother's funeral and it wasa really beautiful full circle
moment, even though I wish mybrother was still here.
I know his life was well livedand he was the epitome of
connection.
(17:51):
They say we need two things whenwe're born, that we need
attachment, which I'm going touse also connection, right, we
need to be cared for and lovedand held.
A few weeks ago I talked aboutthe attachment theories, right,
and so go back and listen tothat podcast if you're not
(18:12):
familiar with those, but it'svery important.
And the other one isauthenticity very important, and
the other one is authenticitybeing connected to your feelings
, listening to them and feelingthem.
When the two collide and youhave to choose one right,
whether you choose attachment,attachment slash, connection or
(18:34):
authenticity, humans will alwayschoose attachment or connection
every time over authenticity,and this shows you how much
humans need connection to eachother.
And I actually learned thiswhen I was talking about the
trauma conference I went to inSan Diego.
I learned this and I looked atmy own life and I always chose
(19:00):
my husband, the connection to myspouse, over my authenticity.
And when I got divorced, Irealized how out of alignment I
was to my values, to my ownfeelings and to my needs and all
that, and it was just sofascinating, to my needs and all
(19:23):
that and it was just sofascinating.
So I think, exploring your, youknow, what connections are you
choosing over your realauthentic self, what you really
want to be choosing?
Why are we choosing them?
Are we choosing them for thewrong reasons?
Are we scared?
Are we choosing them from loveor fear?
I think it's very fascinating.
It was a very fear.
I think it's very fascinating.
It was a very, for me, anepiphany.
(19:43):
I had that wow.
Like no wonder I chose that.
Because that's what we do ashumans we need connection.
Okay, healing looks likebecoming aware of what you are
thinking and feeling, like somany times people are like well,
how do I even heal from thisright, this rupture, this scar,
this pain?
How do I heal?
(20:04):
You have to become aware,because so many of us are living
unconscious, especially when weare stuck right and so
devastated and in so much pain,acknowledging what has happened
to us without judgment, lookinginward instead of outward.
(20:26):
So often we're like well, whatdoes our spouse want to do here?
They've told us they're havingan affair, but they say they
want to work it out.
And then we're like okay, thatsounds good.
Right, let's work it out.
We don't even consider what wewant, because probably we
haven't considered what we wantand need for a very long time.
(20:47):
Getting your needs met in ahealthy way before meeting the
needs of others that's how youheal.
Women especially, but I'm goingto say men live our life trying
to meet other people's needs alot Now, some don't, some.
There are selfish people in theworld right, that just focus on
themselves and focusing onyourself.
There's a difference betweenthat and selfishness.
(21:09):
Right, there has to be abalance, but figuring out what
you need and getting those needsmet and I know a lot of people
that have been betrayed.
Their spouse has said, well, Ineeded this or that from you and
you weren't giving me that andthat's why I had an affair.
Well, that's a lie, right,because there were many ways to
(21:31):
meet that need and not have anaffair.
Okay, they chose, like the worstway Processing learning to
process your negative emotionsso you can begin to feel the
positive ones.
Right, I said that before.
But that's what healing lookslike learning to feel your
emotions.
And I know that feels scary fora lot of people, because a lot
of people we avoid and we resist.
(21:53):
We pretend, right, that wedon't feel that way, or it's
wrong to feel that way, or youknow we shouldn't feel angry, we
should just forgive.
No, we have to feel angrysometimes.
It's okay, taking ownership forwhat you can control and
letting go of what you can't.
Strengthening your zone ofresilience, like learning and
(22:16):
understanding your nervoussystem, so that your zone can
get wider and stronger, soyou're not triggered all the
time, you're not going fromfight or flight or freeze during
the day.
Right, you're able to manageyourself and not allow other
people to make you feel or act acertain way.
(22:36):
When you are triggered, usethat as a growth opportunity.
I always tell people like,listen and watch your triggers.
When you get triggered, that'slike, oh, I need to work on that
.
There's something that Ihaven't figured out yet.
Like that's a sign.
It's just your body yourselftelling you like, oh, you need
to heal that a little bit more.
(22:57):
Set healthy boundaries, createsafety within you, forgiving
yourself and others, livingauthentically and living your
values.
If you want to know how to heal,it's a lot.
That's a big long list ofthings.
Right, just do one at a time.
I find it helpful having acoach, someone that is neutral,
(23:21):
that's helping me work throughthis, or a therapist right, but
someone that isn't your mom oryour sister or your friend right
, because they're not going tobe able to probably tell you
honestly or they're not going tosee these things.
But that is really to heal frombetrayal.
It's not a DIY project, right,it's really hard to just do it
(23:45):
yourself.
It's going to take some work,but it's totally possible.
Another way to connect withother people is sharing your
story.
If you want to and I'm nottelling you you need to share it
on your podcast, but speakingyour truth just to one or two
(24:06):
people.
Vulnerability equals connectionand many people I know in their
marriage they're like I justdon't feel connected.
Well, it's because you're notwilling to be vulnerable.
You have to be willing to bevulnerable and that can be in
many different ways.
One of them, because we'retalking about it, is to share
(24:28):
your story and we want to alsoreframe our story right.
When we first find out ourspouse is having an affair, we
put a lot of drama in it and alot of like I don't know, it's
so shocking to our system, right, but I think inevitably your
story changes all the time andthere's new chapters that get
(24:49):
put into your book.
The last thing I just want totalk about with connection, and
why she calls her book theCommodity of Connection, is
finding a way to connect withother people.
It's so important to find yourtribe, find your people right.
I used to think when I wasmarried like I don't have any
(25:11):
friends, I don't really connectwith people.
I don't think I connect withgirls well, because I had
brothers and I just I confusedmyself, right and it was not
true.
I just think it was maybe myinsecurities or things like that
.
But finding your tribe and it'ssuch a beautiful thing to find
(25:32):
your tribe, finding your peopleFor me it was saying yes to
things, even when I wasuncomfortable.
Hey, do you want to join thismastermind?
Okay, I don't know what amastermind is, but yes, and I
showed up at the meetings andyou know what those women have
been my lifeline through, somuch hard, and if you've heard
(25:55):
my podcast, I like to call themmy diamond dolls.
It's a reference with Ted Lasso, which is coming back for
season four, which I'm reallyhappy about, but anyways.
So, finding your people, findinggroups of women I'm involved in
several groups of womenbetrayal groups, women getting
together and we're not sittingthere talking or bashing about
(26:16):
our husbands or our formerhusbands.
We just instantly have aconnection.
So we get each other and we canshare and it's a deeper
connection than hey, what's theweather or what's your favorite
restaurant.
It's just a deeper connection.
So I just would encourage youto find your people, find groups
(26:38):
.
There's things on the internet,lots of resources out there,
and if you need help, reach out.
I can totally help you.
So, in closing, go buy Molly'sbook, the Commodity of
Connection.
I think I'm going to reach outto her and see if she'll come on
.
She's super funny and just alovely person and I'm grateful
(27:00):
to be her friend.
I'm grateful that my brotherwas her friend and I'm grateful
for the lessons that I'velearned through Molly, through
her child dying, but also havehelped me with my feelings of
betrayal and the scars that Ifeel like are imprinted on my
heart, and hopefully you feltthat as well.
(27:22):
Anyways, have a beautiful day.
I will talk to you next week.
If you want to learn how tolive happily even after, sign up
for my email at hello atlifecoachjenwith1ncom.
Follow me on Instagram andFacebook at Happily Even After.
Coach, let's work together tocreate your happily even after.
Welcome to my podcast .
Happily, even After.
I'm life coach, jen, I'mpassionate about helping people
recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only
(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today, we begin to help youlive happily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast.
Today I'm kind of going to do alittle book review, and it's the
book I'm reviewing and talkingabout is the Commodity of
Connection how AuthenticRelationships Saved my Life when
(00:56):
my Daughter Lost Hers, and itis written by my friend, molly
Bice Jackson, and actually I'vehad Molly and her husband on my
podcast, I think in likeFebruary of 2022.
And bizarrely, if you go backand listen to that podcast, it
was when I was doing my podcastwith my husband at the time.
(01:19):
So a blast from the past andhopefully I'm going to have
Molly on again.
She wrote a beautiful book andI just want to start this off by
.
In no way do I think the deathof a child and betrayal are the
same.
However, there is a lot offeelings and emotions that are
(01:45):
similar.
So I'm not saying losing achild is a completely different
experience than having yourspouse cheat on you, have an
affair, betray you okay.
But just reading her book,there were so many things she
said that was like, oh my gosh,that's how I felt, that's how I
(02:09):
feel, that's how I know peoplethat have experienced betrayal
feel I think you should go getthe book.
It's on Amazon, right, totallybuy the book.
I'll put a link of how to getthe book.
It's a quick really.
She's very funny, lighthearted,like her pain.
(02:33):
She has been able to createbeauty from her pain, and so I
just love that, because that'smy goal, right.
Like something so awful asfinding out your spouse has been
lying to you for any length oftime and gaslighting you and
manipulating you and creatingthis craziness inside of you is
(02:56):
very unsettling.
And then to find out he hasbeen with another woman or your
wife has been with another manis just devastating.
But I find sometimes we have tojust laugh and find humor in
this pain, right, and so I justwant to preface that, to say so.
(03:17):
I'm just going to share somequotes, some stories that she
shares, and relate them tobetrayal.
And also the other fun factabout this book is that there's
a whole chapter dedicated to mybrother, and my brother passed
away 11 years ago and of courseI'm getting emotional and so
there's never been a book wheremy brother has been in a book.
(03:40):
I think this is the first timethat I know about, and so I just
think it's beautiful that shededicated a whole chapter to him
and the love that they had foreach other.
They were really great friendsfor a very long time, which is
how I know Molly is from mybrother, justin.
That's another reason thatwe're talking about the book or
(04:03):
that I'm talking about the book.
That's another reason thatwe're talking about the book or
that I'm talking about the book.
There is a quote that she usesoften in this book and it is by
an LDS apostle, neal A Maxwell,and he passed away a long time
ago and he gave this quoteSeptember 1st of 1974.
September 1st of 1974.
(04:30):
So I was three years old whenhe said this, but I just think
that it's such a beautiful quoteand he says the cavity carved
by pain can one day become ourreceptacle for joy, and I just
want you to think about that andthe pain that you feel.
For her it was the death of herdaughter and for you and I, or
(04:50):
whatever pain you have felt,that pain, hopefully, will one
day hold joy.
And the thing that I do believeis, as we get really good at
feeling betrayal anddisappointment and devastation,
all those really hard anger, allthose really negative emotions
(05:13):
that we feel when we find outour spouse has been having an
affair or lying to us or doingthe million other things that
could be happening, other thingsthat could be happening that
our capacity to feel joy justgets stronger.
Right, we cannot feel goodemotions if we aren't willing to
(05:35):
feel negative emotions, and soit is so important to feel our
feelings, and sometimes thatfeels scary and that feels hard,
but I promise that this is true, that you can feel joy again
through the pain.
I think this quote another thingit just helps us to find a
(05:57):
purpose, to live with ourpurpose.
Let so many things go thatwe're holding on to that we
think are helping us, but inreality they're hurting us and
showing up in love, dropping thejudgment of ourselves and
others, also learning to whoeveryou know, loving for me, it's
(06:20):
been loving my kids wherethey're at, not wanting them to
be who I imagined in my brainwhen they were born, accepting
them for who they are andlearning to love me with all my
flaws and all my strengths right, all of me.
I think that has been somethingbeautiful that I've learned,
(06:42):
and just this quote has remindedme of.
And so, in one of her chapters,she talks about this yellow
line.
And you know, they took herdaughter to.
She donated her organs, whichis such a beautiful thing, and
I'm not, I'm not going to.
I want you to go read the book.
(07:03):
So go read the book and you'llfind out about her daughter,
lucy.
But she says this is Molly.
Life, I've learned, is full ofthese lines.
We don't want to cross momentsthat demand we let go of we love
most and move forward into theunknown, even when we feel
(07:24):
wholly unprepared.
And for her, you know herdaughter had passed away and it
was sending her daughter todonate her organs.
But for me, this was divorce,right.
For me, the line was gettingdivorced and I couldn't imagine
doing that until I did it.
And so what is your line?
What are you waiting for?
(07:45):
What are you scared?
What are you holding back on?
What is that fear?
What is that preventing youfrom doing?
And the beautiful thing forMolly you know tragedy, right,
that her daughter passed away,but she was able to give life
and so many organs to otherpeople to let them live.
(08:05):
That was the beauty of it,right For me, the beauty of
divorce.
I can't even the things thatI've learned about myself and my
kids.
And it wasn't as terrible as Ithought, like I thought I was
giving up my family, my eternalfamily.
I just had so many.
I thought how could I be alone?
(08:27):
How could I do this?
How could I?
What would this mean for me?
But for me, divorce has been sobeautiful.
So can you see the beauty inthe really hard choice that you
might have to make?
Okay, and even if you choose tostay after betrayal, that is
(08:47):
still a hard choice.
There's still a lot of workinvolved and still a lot that
you're going to have to dealwith and process and experience.
And really you're going to haveto experience all those things
when you get divorced too, right?
Because if you don't, you'rejust going to fall into the same
pattern, attract the same manor woman, right, and go in the
same spiral as what happenedbefore.
(09:10):
Another quote.
Another thing that she said wasthe world didn't break it.
Shattered Like glass droppedfrom an impossible height, every
piece of me fragmented,scattering into dark unknown.
The weight of grief wasunbearable and a suffocating
gravity that pulled us underdeeper and deeper with each
(09:33):
breath, each heartbeat, eachsilent scream.
There was no putting us backtogether.
We were broken beyond repair,beyond hope.
And when I read that, I'm likethat's how I felt when I
discovered my spouse was havinganother affair or an affair,
(09:54):
right, and I kept on shatteringinto a million pieces and I feel
like for me, it took me to getdivorced to start putting myself
back together.
Right, I thought I was puttingmyself back together and I was
kind of, but it was definitelywith, like, band-aids and duct
(10:15):
tape, but for me, gettingdivorced allowed me to actually
put myself back together, and soI just loved her words, how she
said that.
It just really resonated withme.
Okay, there's a few more thatI'm going to share with you.
(10:38):
So she speaks a lot, right, andshe's a public speaker and in
one of her chapters, in one ofher speeches, she talks about
scars, and I just want to sharesome of her words because I want
you to think about your scars.
What are scars in your life?
Okay, she says.
(11:00):
Molly says scars are the body'sway of reminding us that we
have survived, that we haveendured.
They are both a testament tothe pain we have experienced and
a symbol of our resilience.
In many ways, my deepest scarsare invisible, etched not into
my skin but into my soul.
Yet these scars have become themost beautiful part of me, a
(11:25):
source of strength and areminder that even in the
darkest moments there is a wayforward.
But nothing compares to thescars I live with now, the scars
that only those of us who havelost a loved one or have been
betrayed and I added, and beenbetrayed understand.
Sometimes we are the only oneswho can ever see them or
(11:47):
recognize them in others, and Idefinitely know that's true.
Right, when we meet someone thathas experienced the same
experience as we have, it's aninstant connection, at least for
me it is.
That's why I, like, have somuch joy in helping people.
When I know that someone setsup a free phone call with me,
(12:11):
they get on the line.
I know they're paying beforethey even say it to me.
I know that.
Okay, the reason they're on thephone.
Or the reason they're on theZoom call isn't to tell me about
their day, it's to tell me wow,I just found out my husband's
having an affair, or myhusband's been lying to me for
30 years, or I caught them doingthis or that, and I don't know
(12:36):
what to do and I feel scared andI feel lost.
And so it's this instantconnection, because we share
similar scars.
She goes on to say before I tellyou too much about how I got my
deepest scars, I want to sharea quote with you from a book I
recently finished called LittleBee.
Little Bee is a Nigerian girlwho witnessed and survived
(12:59):
horrific tragedy in her country,as well as enduring two years
inside a British immigrationdetention center.
She implores the reader, I askyou right here, to please agree
with me that a scar is neverugly.
That is what the scar makerswant us to think.
But you and I, we must make anagreement to defy them.
(13:20):
We must see all scars as beauty.
Okay, this will be our secret,and I haven't read that book,
but I think I'm going to.
But I loved that because it'strue.
Sometimes we think why did thishappen to us?
Why was this the thing we hadto go through, but it is, and
(13:44):
denying it is not going to helpus.
But if we can lean into it andsay, okay, what are we learning
from this betrayal?
What are we learning from thisbetrayal?
What are we learning from thisexperience?
What are we gaining?
What are we?
You know, don't hide from itbecause shame wants us to hide.
But instead, it doesn't meanyou have to share it with the
world.
It doesn't mean you have tohave a podcast or become a coach
(14:06):
, right, but just speaking, theunspeakable, speaking about your
scar to someone, to a closefriend, to a coach, to a
therapist, is so healing, right.
We can have that healingconnection, right, and that's
what her whole book is about isconnection.
The last chapter I'm going toshare is chapter 17, which is
(14:27):
about my brother and I'm justgoing to share.
She talks about it's calledMomentary Magic, and this is a
text and it's not even thatemotional, but a text that my
brother sent.
The day that Lucy was in thehospital Woke, thinking about
Lucy came across this quote, sothought I would share.
(14:50):
Time is too slow for those whowait, too swift for those who
fear, too long for those whogrieve, too short for those who
rejoice, but for those who love,time is eternity, and that was
a quote by Henry Van Dyke.
It is better for you to ponderthese words than for me to give
my explanation.
(15:10):
But know that I love you, yourfriend Justin, and the thing I
want you to know about Justin isand she shares his story right
that he was a master connector,like he people in the grocery
store.
He worked at Smith's grocerystore.
(15:31):
He hated the job but like yearsafter he died I would go into
that grocery store.
Like years after he died Iwould go into that grocery store
and people were like I lovedyour brother.
(15:52):
He made me feel good andanyways, we need each other, we
need to feel connected and wecan be connected through our
pain as well as our joy.
But I think the special giftfor those of us that have
experienced excruciating painand I'm going to say betrayal is
excruciating pain is that wecan connect with other people
(16:16):
and have compassion for otherpeople in a way that someone
that hasn't experienced suchexcruciating pain just like
Molly, with her daughter passingaway For years, I carried
Molly's daughter's obituary inmy wallet in my wallet, and I
(16:44):
did that because I had littlegirls at the time and I think I
had three kids when she passedaway.
But I always wanted to rememberthat life is short and that I
needed to show up for my kidsout of love and compassion,
because I just never knew whentheir last day could be right.
I haven't had that experienceof my children.
My children are all here andI'm so grateful, but those were
(17:08):
hard days for me sometimesbecause I was experiencing
betrayal.
I was experiencing reallypainful things.
Yeah, I really tried to show upfor my kids during those times
and that picture in the obituaryreally helped me.
And another side note so mybrother sang at Lucy's funeral
(17:31):
and then I can't remember howmany years later Molly sang at
my brother's funeral and it wasa really beautiful full circle
moment, even though I wish mybrother was still here.
I know his life was well livedand he was the epitome of
connection.
(17:51):
They say we need two things whenwe're born, that we need
attachment, which I'm going touse also connection, right, we
need to be cared for and lovedand held.
A few weeks ago I talked aboutthe attachment theories, right,
and so go back and listen tothat podcast if you're not
(18:12):
familiar with those, but it'svery important.
And the other one isauthenticity very important, and
the other one is authenticitybeing connected to your feelings
, listening to them and feelingthem.
When the two collide and youhave to choose one right,
whether you choose attachment,attachment slash, connection or
(18:34):
authenticity, humans will alwayschoose attachment or connection
every time over authenticity,and this shows you how much
humans need connection to eachother.
And I actually learned thiswhen I was talking about the
trauma conference I went to inSan Diego.
I learned this and I looked atmy own life and I always chose
(19:00):
my husband, the connection to myspouse, over my authenticity.
And when I got divorced, Irealized how out of alignment I
was to my values, to my ownfeelings and to my needs and all
that, and it was just sofascinating, to my needs and all
(19:23):
that and it was just sofascinating.
So I think, exploring your, youknow, what connections are you
choosing over your realauthentic self, what you really
want to be choosing?
Why are we choosing them?
Are we choosing them for thewrong reasons?
Are we scared?
Are we choosing them from loveor fear?
I think it's very fascinating.
It was a very fear.
I think it's very fascinating.
It was a very, for me, anepiphany.
(19:43):
I had that wow.
Like no wonder I chose that.
Because that's what we do ashumans we need connection.
Okay, healing looks likebecoming aware of what you are
thinking and feeling, like somany times people are like well,
how do I even heal from thisright, this rupture, this scar,
this pain?
How do I heal?
(20:04):
You have to become aware,because so many of us are living
unconscious, especially when weare stuck right and so
devastated and in so much pain,acknowledging what has happened
to us without judgment, lookinginward instead of outward.
(20:26):
So often we're like well, whatdoes our spouse want to do here?
They've told us they're havingan affair, but they say they
want to work it out.
And then we're like okay, thatsounds good.
Right, let's work it out.
We don't even consider what wewant, because probably we
haven't considered what we wantand need for a very long time.
(20:47):
Getting your needs met in ahealthy way before meeting the
needs of others that's how youheal.
Women especially, but I'm goingto say men live our life trying
to meet other people's needs alot Now, some don't, some.
There are selfish people in theworld right, that just focus on
themselves and focusing onyourself.
There's a difference betweenthat and selfishness.
(21:09):
Right, there has to be abalance, but figuring out what
you need and getting those needsmet and I know a lot of people
that have been betrayed.
Their spouse has said, well, Ineeded this or that from you and
you weren't giving me that andthat's why I had an affair.
Well, that's a lie, right,because there were many ways to
(21:31):
meet that need and not have anaffair.
Okay, they chose, like the worstway Processing learning to
process your negative emotionsso you can begin to feel the
positive ones.
Right, I said that before.
But that's what healing lookslike learning to feel your
emotions.
And I know that feels scary fora lot of people, because a lot
of people we avoid and we resist.
(21:53):
We pretend, right, that wedon't feel that way, or it's
wrong to feel that way, or youknow we shouldn't feel angry, we
should just forgive.
No, we have to feel angrysometimes.
It's okay, taking ownership forwhat you can control and
letting go of what you can't.
Strengthening your zone ofresilience, like learning and
(22:16):
understanding your nervoussystem, so that your zone can
get wider and stronger, soyou're not triggered all the
time, you're not going fromfight or flight or freeze during
the day.
Right, you're able to manageyourself and not allow other
people to make you feel or act acertain way.
(22:36):
When you are triggered, usethat as a growth opportunity.
I always tell people like,listen and watch your triggers.
When you get triggered, that'slike, oh, I need to work on that
.
There's something that Ihaven't figured out yet.
Like that's a sign.
It's just your body yourselftelling you like, oh, you need
to heal that a little bit more.
(22:57):
Set healthy boundaries, createsafety within you, forgiving
yourself and others, livingauthentically and living your
values.
If you want to know how to heal,it's a lot.
That's a big long list ofthings.
Right, just do one at a time.
I find it helpful having acoach, someone that is neutral,
(23:21):
that's helping me work throughthis, or a therapist right, but
someone that isn't your mom oryour sister or your friend right
, because they're not going tobe able to probably tell you
honestly or they're not going tosee these things.
But that is really to heal frombetrayal.
It's not a DIY project, right,it's really hard to just do it
(23:45):
yourself.
It's going to take some work,but it's totally possible.
Another way to connect withother people is sharing your
story.
If you want to and I'm nottelling you you need to share it
on your podcast, but speakingyour truth just to one or two
(24:06):
people.
Vulnerability equals connectionand many people I know in their
marriage they're like I justdon't feel connected.
Well, it's because you're notwilling to be vulnerable.
You have to be willing to bevulnerable and that can be in
many different ways.
One of them, because we'retalking about it, is to share
(24:28):
your story and we want to alsoreframe our story right.
When we first find out ourspouse is having an affair, we
put a lot of drama in it and alot of like I don't know, it's
so shocking to our system, right, but I think inevitably your
story changes all the time andthere's new chapters that get
(24:49):
put into your book.
The last thing I just want totalk about with connection, and
why she calls her book theCommodity of Connection, is
finding a way to connect withother people.
It's so important to find yourtribe, find your people right.
I used to think when I wasmarried like I don't have any
(25:11):
friends, I don't really connectwith people.
I don't think I connect withgirls well, because I had
brothers and I just I confusedmyself, right and it was not
true.
I just think it was maybe myinsecurities or things like that
.
But finding your tribe and it'ssuch a beautiful thing to find
(25:32):
your tribe, finding your peopleFor me it was saying yes to
things, even when I wasuncomfortable.
Hey, do you want to join thismastermind?
Okay, I don't know what amastermind is, but yes, and I
showed up at the meetings andyou know what those women have
been my lifeline through, somuch hard, and if you've heard
(25:55):
my podcast, I like to call themmy diamond dolls.
It's a reference with Ted Lasso, which is coming back for
season four, which I'm reallyhappy about, but anyways.
So, finding your people, findinggroups of women I'm involved in
several groups of womenbetrayal groups, women getting
together and we're not sittingthere talking or bashing about
(26:16):
our husbands or our formerhusbands.
We just instantly have aconnection.
So we get each other and we canshare and it's a deeper
connection than hey, what's theweather or what's your favorite
restaurant.
It's just a deeper connection.
So I just would encourage youto find your people, find groups
(26:38):
.
There's things on the internet,lots of resources out there,
and if you need help, reach out.
I can totally help you.
So, in closing, go buy Molly'sbook, the Commodity of
Connection.
I think I'm going to reach outto her and see if she'll come on
.
She's super funny and just alovely person and I'm grateful
(27:00):
to be her friend.
I'm grateful that my brotherwas her friend and I'm grateful
for the lessons that I'velearned through Molly, through
her child dying, but also havehelped me with my feelings of
betrayal and the scars that Ifeel like are imprinted on my
heart, and hopefully you feltthat as well.
(27:22):
Anyways, have a beautiful day.
I will talk to you next week.
If you want to learn how tolive happily even after, sign up
for my email at hello atlifecoachjenwith1ncom.
Follow me on Instagram andFacebook at Happily Even After.
Coach, let's work together tocreate your happily even after.
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