March 17, 2025 • 21 mins
Unlock the secrets to healthier, more fulfilling relationships by understanding the profound impact of attachment styles. Have you ever wondered how your childhood experiences shape your adult relationships? Join me as I unravel the complexities of secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment styles. Discover how these patterns influence intimacy and autonomy and learn practical strategies for healing from betrayal and nurturing secure connections. With personal insights and stories, I highlight the transformative power of therapy and personal growth, encouraging you to reflect and communicate openly with your loved ones.
In this episode, we explore the intricacies of adult attachment styles and their profound effects on our lives. From the neediness of anxious attachments, often seen in children of divorce, to the independence of avoidant styles rooted in emotional neglect, each style presents its own challenges and opportunities for growth. By embracing adaptability and self-reflection, you can overcome past traumas and create a more fulfilling life. I share tips for managing these patterns, emphasizing the importance of overcoming personal barriers like pride and ego. For those seeking a happier life and stronger relationships, this episode is your guide to transformation. Don't forget to like, review, and share with those who might benefit from this insightful discussion.
Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.
Email me: hello@lifecoachjen.com for any comments or questions.
Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.
My website is www.lifecoachjen.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Welcome to my podcast .
Happily, even After.
I'm life coach, jen, I'mpassionate about helping people
recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only
(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today we begin to help you livehappily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast.
So today I'm going to talk aboutattachment theory and I'm
guessing you've all heard aboutit and I'm just going to be the
first to tell you I'm not anexpert on attachment theory and
(00:53):
before I start I'm just going totell you a few thoughts that I
have.
I think it is helpful tounderstand and figure out maybe
your attachment right whatattachment style?
There are a lot of people outthere.
I've met one recently.
She helps you date to someonethat's going to be a good fit
(01:14):
with your attachment style.
So yeah, I think it's helpful.
I've done years of therapy andI've never once to my therapist
talked about my attachment styleand I was thinking I'm like, oh
, maybe I should make anappointment and have her like
maybe we explore this.
I think by reading this I canfor sure, kind of identify some
things.
(01:34):
But also my other thought isyour attachment style, I believe
, is very much affected by whoyou marry, is very much affected
by who you marry.
I might be wrong about this,but you know I married a man
that lied to me, gaslit,manipulated, had multiple
affairs.
So, yeah, that creates a lot ofanxiety and abandonment and
(01:57):
fear and questioning.
Do I think I was like thatbefore?
No, I don't think I was likethat before.
No, I don't.
I think now that I'm divorced,I feel very differently.
Now, I think it is helpfulinformation.
(02:18):
I don't think you should die onyour sword with your attachment
style and make it your identity.
Like don't say this is who youare.
Right, this is, this issomething, a learned behavior.
Yes, it's happened when youwere younger.
But I think to realize like no,you could change different
things, right, like it doesn'thave to be, this is your.
Like, I'm Jennifer, I'm a womanand I'm a secure attachment,
(02:42):
right, like, like it's not youridentity.
I just think that might beunhelpful.
Now, that may be helpful foryou and if it is, go for it, but
I just don't know if that isgoing to be as helpful, but
we're going to talk about it,okay.
Secure attachment People thathave a secure attachment style
(03:02):
are comfortable with intimacyand autonomy, meaning they're
okay being by themselves, theyhave a positive self-image and
they're able to communicatetheir needs and emotions and
form trusting relationships.
So the ideal I'm going to saythis is the best attachment
style to have, right, but I'mguessing there's a lot of
(03:25):
overlap.
Secure attachment is what weall strive for.
Babies who form secureattachments to their primary
caregiver are more likely tobecome adults who confidently
seek out healthy relationshipswith others and are reliable and
loving partners themselves.
Yes, I agree and I feel like,because I was a stay-at-home mom
(03:49):
when I had all four of mybabies, I feel like I created a
very secure attachment for mykids.
However, now in their 20s, theyhave a lot of abandonment
issues.
So I think life can alter, yes,how you were when you were a
baby, but I don't know if itcarries over.
(04:10):
I don't know.
You can email me and tell meI'm wrong.
It's okay.
So babies, they form secureattachments when their
caregivers consistently fulfilla baby's physical and emotional
needs.
So you can go back and thinkwhen you're a baby.
Ask your mom, right?
Or it could be stems from whenyou're a baby, did your
(04:35):
caregiver meet all your physicaland emotional needs?
Babies who are securelyattached prefer their primary
caregiver over other people andare calmed by their presence.
Okay, so I think this would begood information.
If you're newly married, you'regetting ready to have babies,
maybe delve into this because,yeah, you want to give your baby
(04:57):
the best start to life, butalso then you have eight kids,
right?
I don't know, like how can youtake care of all those babies
the same?
I don't know.
It's something to think about.
What does it look like in adultrelationships?
People with secure attachmentstyle are more readily able to
(05:17):
form long-lasting and healthyrelationships with others.
They're more likely to trusttheir partner and be emotionally
available to them.
They say 58% of adults aresecurely attached.
It's, you know, it's thehighest one, but it's low.
If we're going by percent, 100%is the most right.
(05:38):
But if you're a person with asecure attachment style, it
doesn't mean you can take forgranted that your relationships
will be smooth sailing.
If two securely attached peopleare in a relationship, they're
starting out for a betterposition.
But relationships take work foreveryone, no matter your
attachment style.
(05:59):
So I think obviously this wouldbe the ideal.
So I think obviously this wouldbe the ideal.
However, people, we bringbaggage, we bring trauma, we
bring things into a marriage asa couple.
We may think that we're secureattachment style.
I mean, I probably thought,like when I married my former
spouse, he was secure, right, helooked perceived that way.
(06:22):
I don't know, do you ask allthe questions?
Hey, how did your mom interactwith you when you were a baby?
We probably don't ask thosequestions.
Maybe we should, maybe we couldstart that.
Consider talking to your kidsabout this.
I don't know, but that's what asecure attachment is.
The next one is anxiousattachment style.
The next one is anxiousattachment style.
(06:43):
People with this attachmentstyle are more clingy and they
fear abandonment.
They may struggle withuncertainty in relationships.
An anxious attachment style isa form of insecure attachment
that forms between a baby and aninconsistent caregiver.
From their perspective, thebaby can't be sure when and if
(07:08):
their parent is going to beemotionally and physically
available to them.
Okay, so these are all thingsthat happen in infancy.
Babies whose primary caregiveraren't consistent in meeting a
baby's needs are more likely toform anxious attachment.
Anxiously attached babies learnthat they may or may not get
(07:29):
the attention they need, so theyaren't easily comforted by
their caregivers.
What does it look like as anadult?
A partner with an anxiousattachment style may be seen as
clingy, needy or not trusting.
People with an anxiousattachment style can be consumed
with concern that their lovedones will abandon them, and they
(07:52):
may seek constant reassurancethat they're safe in their
relationship.
So I feel like maybe I wentfrom a secure attachment to an
anxious attachment in mymarriage, right?
Because I didn't trust myhusband.
I didn't feel safe.
I felt needy and clingy and allthose things.
(08:15):
So did that have to do with mywhen I was a baby?
I don't know.
It's just something to thinkabout.
So just consider this is justinformation.
It may be helpful.
It may not be helpful.
There's 19% of adults that havean anxious attachment style.
So not as not that many, right,and maybe I'm one in the 19%.
(08:36):
I don't know If you have ananxious attachment style.
So not that many, right?
Maybe I'm one in the 19%, Idon't know If you have this
anxious attachment style.
They can drive away theirpartner with their neediness.
That can create even morefeelings of insecurity in future
relationships, and I have a lotof memories.
My spouse would always be likeyou're just so needy.
(08:58):
I'm like, yeah, because I needyou to tell me the truth and not
lie to me Like I don't know.
If that's neediness, what doyou think People with an anxious
attachment can benefit fromwhat we call rituals of
separation, where the partnersagree that before they go out
for the day, they give eachother a kiss, they say I'll see
(09:19):
you tonight.
They send a text during the day.
So if you're finding yourselfreally anxious, you can, you
know, request that, right?
Could we do this?
Could this be helpful?
Right, it's your job to manageyour own anxiety, but if this is
helpful, go for it.
This is going to help them in arelationship.
(09:40):
I feel like my kids might havemore of an anxious attachment,
right, because of theirexperience with their parents
and their marriage, of divorce.
Maybe kids that haveexperienced divorce, maybe
they're feeling more anxious.
I don't know.
But 19% there's way more peoplethat are getting divorced than
19%.
Okay, the next attachment styleis avoidant.
(10:04):
There's just four attachmentstyles, okay, so secure, anxious
, avoidant and disorganized.
So now we're going to talkabout avoidant.
People with an avoidantattachment style may feel
overwhelmed by attachment andpush people away.
They may prioritize theirindependence over closeness, and
(10:27):
maybe there's some crossover, Idon't know.
Avoidant attachment can looklike an adult who is a lone wolf
or overly self-sufficient.
People with an avoidantattachment style are likely to
not delve much into emotionalconversations, either in regard
to their own feelings or thoseof others.
(10:47):
An avoidant attachment styleoften stems from a relationship
between a primary caregiver anda baby that's marked by a lack
of emotional support orconnection.
So when a baby is little, theircaregiver doesn't provide a
baby with sufficient emotionalsupport.
(11:08):
The caregiver's responsivenessto the baby most likely ends
with caring for their physicalneeds like feeding and bathing,
but the caregiver doesn'tprovide the emotional comfort
the baby also needs.
In that environment, the babylearns not to rely on others to
care for their emotional needs.
So maybe someone that's superindependent.
(11:30):
What does it look like in anadult relationship?
Adults with an avoidantattachment style can be seen as
self-reliant and emotionallyguarded.
They're unlikely to seekemotional comfort or understand
how to comfort their partner.
23% of adults have avoidantattachment style.
(11:52):
I'm guessing you're all thinkinglike, ooh, who in my life are
these things?
I'm totally thinking that rightnow, and so, yeah, I think it
may be helpful to understand,maybe have some compassion for
these people in your life,because, especially if it goes
back to when you're a baby, belike oh, that must have been
really hard that your mom Iwonder what was going on for her
(12:19):
.
I'm reading a book that I'llprobably do a podcast on.
But what happened to you?
What happened to them, to makethem not be able to care for you
as a baby, like what happenedto your mom?
I just think if you can bringcompassion on board, this is
going to be helpful for you.
Some tips if you know peoplethat have avoidant attachment
(12:43):
style, they often distancethemselves from others and
assume others will disappointthem.
Actively observing your ownemotions and considering how you
pull away from others willrequire a will disappoint them.
Actively observing your ownemotions and considering how you
pull away from others willrequire a lot of work, so you
have to be reallyself-reflective.
But that effort can be aneye-opening way to help
understand your style and learnto let others in.
(13:04):
So if this is you, you have togo inward and say, okay, I see
I'm blocking everyone out.
Okay, how can I be a littlevulnerable and let people in the
last attachment style isdisorganized attachment style.
People with a disorganizedattachment style may have
(13:24):
unpredictable and contradictorybehaviors and relationships.
They may have difficultyforming secure attachments and
may have challenges withemotional regulation.
Disorganized attachment is themost extreme and least common
style.
People with disorganizedattachment can be seen to act
irrationally and beunpredictable or intense in
(13:47):
their relationships.
Okay, how does this happen?
Well, their caregiver.
They have a very tumultuouschildhood, often one that may be
marked by fear or trauma.
It typically stems from anerratic or incoherent
relationship with the baby'sprimary caregiver.
So probably a lot more trauma,although I'm just going to say
(14:08):
we all have trauma in ourchildhood, in our life.
Right, there's no one thatcomes out of this life
trauma-free.
What does it look like as anadult in these relationships?
Adults with disorganizedattachments are likely to live
with mental health disorders,personality disorders that
prevent them from developinghealthy relationships with
others, that prevent them fromdeveloping healthy relationships
(14:29):
with others.
They're likely to crave closerelationships but push others
away when they show themattention.
If you have this, you probablyneed therapy.
Right, you're going to needhelp Like this is the most
severe one, and so I guess thatwould be why it would be good.
(14:49):
If you feel like you connectwith the disorganized or someone
in your life connects with thatone, maybe, yeah, reach out and
get help right.
Figure out, okay, how can Irecognize?
Right, we can't change our past, but at least acknowledge it,
heal from that.
And I do believe that you canheal from these, all these
(15:11):
things that we talked about.
So, how all these attachmentstyles affect our adult
relationships, we kind of talkedindividually, but it could have
a hefty impact right with yourcommunication or how you
interact with each other, youroverall marriage.
So that's why I think it'sreally important to understand
(15:34):
why this would be important, whyyou would be interested in
knowing what your attachmentstyle is.
Right, the curiosity right.
But I just don't want you tolabel yourself.
I think labels are unhelpful.
So if you are aware, awarenessis key for change.
So once you're aware of yourattachment style, it makes you
more likely to be able to dosomething about it.
(15:55):
Okay, and of course, like I'vesaid before, labeling is
unhelpful, but if it can also behelpful.
So who we are and how we relateto others is always more
complicated than one variable.
So just because we say, oh,you're a secure attachment,
you're going to be the besthusband or wife ever.
(16:16):
No, there are so many morelayers to relationship, right?
That's just one component.
Relating to other people isprobably the greatest gift and
the biggest challenge in ourlives, right, our relationship.
We can learn so much from ourspouse, but also it can also be
very painful.
(16:37):
Your partner's attachment stylecan significantly affect your
own attachment style, as thedynamics of your relationship
can influence how you behave andinteract with them, potentially
leading to changes in yourattachment patterns, especially
if you have insecure attachmentstyle to begin with.
A secure partner can help youfeel more secure, while an
(16:58):
insecure partner may exacerbateyour anxieties.
So a secure attachment partnermight be more of a positive
influence on you, but someonethat is more insecure can also
be a negative influence on you.
So just know that thesedynamics are just good
(17:19):
information if you're reallystruggling with your
relationship or with dating,right, so it may be helpful to
understand who you are which istrue, I think and then
understand who you're married to.
Lastly, some important factorsto consider your existing
attachment style.
(17:40):
People with already secureattachment styles are generally
less susceptible to beingsignificantly influenced by
their partner's attachment style, which I find is interesting,
and I don't know if I agree withthat.
Probably yes and no.
Awareness and communication,recognizing your own attachment
(18:00):
style and openly communicatingabout it with your partner can
help navigate potentialchallenges and work towards a
healthier relationship dynamic.
I definitely agree with that.
Right Awareness is going to behelpful, and especially if
you're like wait a second,something just isn't working.
Exploring attachment styles Iknow there are therapists that
(18:21):
really heavily this is liketheir Bible.
That's what they teach, whatthey know.
I don't think it needs to bethe only thing you focus on, but
it could be something to atleast know about and discuss.
Lastly, relationship quality Ahealthy relationship with open
communication and mutual supportcan provide an environment
(18:42):
where both partners can worktowards developing more secure
attachment patterns.
I think the more confident youcan become, even if you were
raised by a parent that wasn'temotionally available for you,
you can learn that Our brainsare so amazing.
You can totally learn andchange if you choose to right
(19:03):
Most of us.
We just get lazy and we don'twant to, or we're stubborn, or
it's pride or our ego.
But you totally can and I wouldsay, if you choose to do that,
you're going to have just such abetter life and a relationship
because you're choosing it onpurpose and you're creating
(19:23):
something that's more amazingthan what you were experiencing
before.
So hopefully this was helpfuland if you enjoyed this podcast,
please like and review andshare it with your family and
friends, and I will talk to younext week.
If you want to learn how tolive happily even after sign up
for my email at hello, atlifecoachjenwith1ncom, follow me
(19:46):
on Instagram and Facebook atHappily Even After Coach, let's
work together to create yourhappily even after.
Welcome to my podcast .
Happily, even After.
I'm life coach, jen, I'mpassionate about helping people
recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only
(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today we begin to help you livehappily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast.
So today I'm going to talk aboutattachment theory and I'm
guessing you've all heard aboutit and I'm just going to be the
first to tell you I'm not anexpert on attachment theory and
(00:53):
before I start I'm just going totell you a few thoughts that I
have.
I think it is helpful tounderstand and figure out maybe
your attachment right whatattachment style?
There are a lot of people outthere.
I've met one recently.
She helps you date to someonethat's going to be a good fit
(01:14):
with your attachment style.
So yeah, I think it's helpful.
I've done years of therapy andI've never once to my therapist
talked about my attachment styleand I was thinking I'm like, oh
, maybe I should make anappointment and have her like
maybe we explore this.
I think by reading this I canfor sure, kind of identify some
things.
(01:34):
But also my other thought isyour attachment style, I believe
, is very much affected by whoyou marry, is very much affected
by who you marry.
I might be wrong about this,but you know I married a man
that lied to me, gaslit,manipulated, had multiple
affairs.
So, yeah, that creates a lot ofanxiety and abandonment and
(01:57):
fear and questioning.
Do I think I was like thatbefore?
No, I don't think I was likethat before.
No, I don't.
I think now that I'm divorced,I feel very differently.
Now, I think it is helpfulinformation.
(02:18):
I don't think you should die onyour sword with your attachment
style and make it your identity.
Like don't say this is who youare.
Right, this is, this issomething, a learned behavior.
Yes, it's happened when youwere younger.
But I think to realize like no,you could change different
things, right, like it doesn'thave to be, this is your.
Like, I'm Jennifer, I'm a womanand I'm a secure attachment,
(02:42):
right, like, like it's not youridentity.
I just think that might beunhelpful.
Now, that may be helpful foryou and if it is, go for it, but
I just don't know if that isgoing to be as helpful, but
we're going to talk about it,okay.
Secure attachment People thathave a secure attachment style
(03:02):
are comfortable with intimacyand autonomy, meaning they're
okay being by themselves, theyhave a positive self-image and
they're able to communicatetheir needs and emotions and
form trusting relationships.
So the ideal I'm going to saythis is the best attachment
style to have, right, but I'mguessing there's a lot of
(03:25):
overlap.
Secure attachment is what weall strive for.
Babies who form secureattachments to their primary
caregiver are more likely tobecome adults who confidently
seek out healthy relationshipswith others and are reliable and
loving partners themselves.
Yes, I agree and I feel like,because I was a stay-at-home mom
(03:49):
when I had all four of mybabies, I feel like I created a
very secure attachment for mykids.
However, now in their 20s, theyhave a lot of abandonment
issues.
So I think life can alter, yes,how you were when you were a
baby, but I don't know if itcarries over.
(04:10):
I don't know.
You can email me and tell meI'm wrong.
It's okay.
So babies, they form secureattachments when their
caregivers consistently fulfilla baby's physical and emotional
needs.
So you can go back and thinkwhen you're a baby.
Ask your mom, right?
Or it could be stems from whenyou're a baby, did your
(04:35):
caregiver meet all your physicaland emotional needs?
Babies who are securelyattached prefer their primary
caregiver over other people andare calmed by their presence.
Okay, so I think this would begood information.
If you're newly married, you'regetting ready to have babies,
maybe delve into this because,yeah, you want to give your baby
(04:57):
the best start to life, butalso then you have eight kids,
right?
I don't know, like how can youtake care of all those babies
the same?
I don't know.
It's something to think about.
What does it look like in adultrelationships?
People with secure attachmentstyle are more readily able to
(05:17):
form long-lasting and healthyrelationships with others.
They're more likely to trusttheir partner and be emotionally
available to them.
They say 58% of adults aresecurely attached.
It's, you know, it's thehighest one, but it's low.
If we're going by percent, 100%is the most right.
(05:38):
But if you're a person with asecure attachment style, it
doesn't mean you can take forgranted that your relationships
will be smooth sailing.
If two securely attached peopleare in a relationship, they're
starting out for a betterposition.
But relationships take work foreveryone, no matter your
attachment style.
(05:59):
So I think obviously this wouldbe the ideal.
So I think obviously this wouldbe the ideal.
However, people, we bringbaggage, we bring trauma, we
bring things into a marriage asa couple.
We may think that we're secureattachment style.
I mean, I probably thought,like when I married my former
spouse, he was secure, right, helooked perceived that way.
(06:22):
I don't know, do you ask allthe questions?
Hey, how did your mom interactwith you when you were a baby?
We probably don't ask thosequestions.
Maybe we should, maybe we couldstart that.
Consider talking to your kidsabout this.
I don't know, but that's what asecure attachment is.
The next one is anxiousattachment style.
The next one is anxiousattachment style.
(06:43):
People with this attachmentstyle are more clingy and they
fear abandonment.
They may struggle withuncertainty in relationships.
An anxious attachment style isa form of insecure attachment
that forms between a baby and aninconsistent caregiver.
From their perspective, thebaby can't be sure when and if
(07:08):
their parent is going to beemotionally and physically
available to them.
Okay, so these are all thingsthat happen in infancy.
Babies whose primary caregiveraren't consistent in meeting a
baby's needs are more likely toform anxious attachment.
Anxiously attached babies learnthat they may or may not get
(07:29):
the attention they need, so theyaren't easily comforted by
their caregivers.
What does it look like as anadult?
A partner with an anxiousattachment style may be seen as
clingy, needy or not trusting.
People with an anxiousattachment style can be consumed
with concern that their lovedones will abandon them, and they
(07:52):
may seek constant reassurancethat they're safe in their
relationship.
So I feel like maybe I wentfrom a secure attachment to an
anxious attachment in mymarriage, right?
Because I didn't trust myhusband.
I didn't feel safe.
I felt needy and clingy and allthose things.
(08:15):
So did that have to do with mywhen I was a baby?
I don't know.
It's just something to thinkabout.
So just consider this is justinformation.
It may be helpful.
It may not be helpful.
There's 19% of adults that havean anxious attachment style.
So not as not that many, right,and maybe I'm one in the 19%.
(08:36):
I don't know If you have ananxious attachment style.
So not that many, right?
Maybe I'm one in the 19%, Idon't know If you have this
anxious attachment style.
They can drive away theirpartner with their neediness.
That can create even morefeelings of insecurity in future
relationships, and I have a lotof memories.
My spouse would always be likeyou're just so needy.
(08:58):
I'm like, yeah, because I needyou to tell me the truth and not
lie to me Like I don't know.
If that's neediness, what doyou think People with an anxious
attachment can benefit fromwhat we call rituals of
separation, where the partnersagree that before they go out
for the day, they give eachother a kiss, they say I'll see
(09:19):
you tonight.
They send a text during the day.
So if you're finding yourselfreally anxious, you can, you
know, request that, right?
Could we do this?
Could this be helpful?
Right, it's your job to manageyour own anxiety, but if this is
helpful, go for it.
This is going to help them in arelationship.
(09:40):
I feel like my kids might havemore of an anxious attachment,
right, because of theirexperience with their parents
and their marriage, of divorce.
Maybe kids that haveexperienced divorce, maybe
they're feeling more anxious.
I don't know.
But 19% there's way more peoplethat are getting divorced than
19%.
Okay, the next attachment styleis avoidant.
(10:04):
There's just four attachmentstyles, okay, so secure, anxious
, avoidant and disorganized.
So now we're going to talkabout avoidant.
People with an avoidantattachment style may feel
overwhelmed by attachment andpush people away.
They may prioritize theirindependence over closeness, and
(10:27):
maybe there's some crossover, Idon't know.
Avoidant attachment can looklike an adult who is a lone wolf
or overly self-sufficient.
People with an avoidantattachment style are likely to
not delve much into emotionalconversations, either in regard
to their own feelings or thoseof others.
(10:47):
An avoidant attachment styleoften stems from a relationship
between a primary caregiver anda baby that's marked by a lack
of emotional support orconnection.
So when a baby is little, theircaregiver doesn't provide a
baby with sufficient emotionalsupport.
(11:08):
The caregiver's responsivenessto the baby most likely ends
with caring for their physicalneeds like feeding and bathing,
but the caregiver doesn'tprovide the emotional comfort
the baby also needs.
In that environment, the babylearns not to rely on others to
care for their emotional needs.
So maybe someone that's superindependent.
(11:30):
What does it look like in anadult relationship?
Adults with an avoidantattachment style can be seen as
self-reliant and emotionallyguarded.
They're unlikely to seekemotional comfort or understand
how to comfort their partner.
23% of adults have avoidantattachment style.
(11:52):
I'm guessing you're all thinkinglike, ooh, who in my life are
these things?
I'm totally thinking that rightnow, and so, yeah, I think it
may be helpful to understand,maybe have some compassion for
these people in your life,because, especially if it goes
back to when you're a baby, belike oh, that must have been
really hard that your mom Iwonder what was going on for her
(12:19):
.
I'm reading a book that I'llprobably do a podcast on.
But what happened to you?
What happened to them, to makethem not be able to care for you
as a baby, like what happenedto your mom?
I just think if you can bringcompassion on board, this is
going to be helpful for you.
Some tips if you know peoplethat have avoidant attachment
(12:43):
style, they often distancethemselves from others and
assume others will disappointthem.
Actively observing your ownemotions and considering how you
pull away from others willrequire a will disappoint them.
Actively observing your ownemotions and considering how you
pull away from others willrequire a lot of work, so you
have to be reallyself-reflective.
But that effort can be aneye-opening way to help
understand your style and learnto let others in.
(13:04):
So if this is you, you have togo inward and say, okay, I see
I'm blocking everyone out.
Okay, how can I be a littlevulnerable and let people in the
last attachment style isdisorganized attachment style.
People with a disorganizedattachment style may have
(13:24):
unpredictable and contradictorybehaviors and relationships.
They may have difficultyforming secure attachments and
may have challenges withemotional regulation.
Disorganized attachment is themost extreme and least common
style.
People with disorganizedattachment can be seen to act
irrationally and beunpredictable or intense in
(13:47):
their relationships.
Okay, how does this happen?
Well, their caregiver.
They have a very tumultuouschildhood, often one that may be
marked by fear or trauma.
It typically stems from anerratic or incoherent
relationship with the baby'sprimary caregiver.
So probably a lot more trauma,although I'm just going to say
(14:08):
we all have trauma in ourchildhood, in our life.
Right, there's no one thatcomes out of this life
trauma-free.
What does it look like as anadult in these relationships?
Adults with disorganizedattachments are likely to live
with mental health disorders,personality disorders that
prevent them from developinghealthy relationships with
others, that prevent them fromdeveloping healthy relationships
(14:29):
with others.
They're likely to crave closerelationships but push others
away when they show themattention.
If you have this, you probablyneed therapy.
Right, you're going to needhelp Like this is the most
severe one, and so I guess thatwould be why it would be good.
(14:49):
If you feel like you connectwith the disorganized or someone
in your life connects with thatone, maybe, yeah, reach out and
get help right.
Figure out, okay, how can Irecognize?
Right, we can't change our past, but at least acknowledge it,
heal from that.
And I do believe that you canheal from these, all these
(15:11):
things that we talked about.
So, how all these attachmentstyles affect our adult
relationships, we kind of talkedindividually, but it could have
a hefty impact right with yourcommunication or how you
interact with each other, youroverall marriage.
So that's why I think it'sreally important to understand
(15:34):
why this would be important, whyyou would be interested in
knowing what your attachmentstyle is.
Right, the curiosity right.
But I just don't want you tolabel yourself.
I think labels are unhelpful.
So if you are aware, awarenessis key for change.
So once you're aware of yourattachment style, it makes you
more likely to be able to dosomething about it.
(15:55):
Okay, and of course, like I'vesaid before, labeling is
unhelpful, but if it can also behelpful.
So who we are and how we relateto others is always more
complicated than one variable.
So just because we say, oh,you're a secure attachment,
you're going to be the besthusband or wife ever.
(16:16):
No, there are so many morelayers to relationship, right?
That's just one component.
Relating to other people isprobably the greatest gift and
the biggest challenge in ourlives, right, our relationship.
We can learn so much from ourspouse, but also it can also be
very painful.
(16:37):
Your partner's attachment stylecan significantly affect your
own attachment style, as thedynamics of your relationship
can influence how you behave andinteract with them, potentially
leading to changes in yourattachment patterns, especially
if you have insecure attachmentstyle to begin with.
A secure partner can help youfeel more secure, while an
(16:58):
insecure partner may exacerbateyour anxieties.
So a secure attachment partnermight be more of a positive
influence on you, but someonethat is more insecure can also
be a negative influence on you.
So just know that thesedynamics are just good
(17:19):
information if you're reallystruggling with your
relationship or with dating,right, so it may be helpful to
understand who you are which istrue, I think and then
understand who you're married to.
Lastly, some important factorsto consider your existing
attachment style.
(17:40):
People with already secureattachment styles are generally
less susceptible to beingsignificantly influenced by
their partner's attachment style, which I find is interesting,
and I don't know if I agree withthat.
Probably yes and no.
Awareness and communication,recognizing your own attachment
(18:00):
style and openly communicatingabout it with your partner can
help navigate potentialchallenges and work towards a
healthier relationship dynamic.
I definitely agree with that.
Right Awareness is going to behelpful, and especially if
you're like wait a second,something just isn't working.
Exploring attachment styles Iknow there are therapists that
(18:21):
really heavily this is liketheir Bible.
That's what they teach, whatthey know.
I don't think it needs to bethe only thing you focus on, but
it could be something to atleast know about and discuss.
Lastly, relationship quality Ahealthy relationship with open
communication and mutual supportcan provide an environment
(18:42):
where both partners can worktowards developing more secure
attachment patterns.
I think the more confident youcan become, even if you were
raised by a parent that wasn'temotionally available for you,
you can learn that Our brainsare so amazing.
You can totally learn andchange if you choose to right
(19:03):
Most of us.
We just get lazy and we don'twant to, or we're stubborn, or
it's pride or our ego.
But you totally can and I wouldsay, if you choose to do that,
you're going to have just such abetter life and a relationship
because you're choosing it onpurpose and you're creating
(19:23):
something that's more amazingthan what you were experiencing
before.
So hopefully this was helpfuland if you enjoyed this podcast,
please like and review andshare it with your family and
friends, and I will talk to younext week.
If you want to learn how tolive happily even after sign up
for my email at hello, atlifecoachjenwith1ncom, follow me
(19:46):
on Instagram and Facebook atHappily Even After Coach, let's
work together to create yourhappily even after.
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