February 10, 2025 • 24 mins
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:10):
Welcome to my podcast Happily Even After.
I'm life coach, jen.
I'm passionate about helpingpeople recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only
(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today we begin to help you livehappily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast.
Today I'm going to talk about afew different things that
people possibly do in theirrelationship.
And I named and I'm suresomeone else has named this, but
(00:54):
it's called meatloafing Back inthe day, I think the 90s
there's a guy that he's a singer.
His name is Meatloaf I'm hopingthat's not his real name and
don't look up the definition inthe Urban Dictionary, because
that's not what I'm talkingabout.
But he sings a song that says Iwill do anything for love, but
(01:17):
I won't do that.
And I made a reel using himsinging the song and I said like
I'll do anything for love, butI won't do that.
And me or a woman asking or aman someone asking hey, I need
you to be honest and accountableabout your affair if we are
going to repair our marriage andthe idea is you're asking for
(01:41):
something from your spouse andthey're like, oh, I'm not going
to do that, right.
And so I think this happens sooften in betrayal, when it's
like, oh, I'm going to doanything to save my marriage,
but actually I'm not willing tochange, or and it doesn't even
have to be an affair, it couldbe whatever marriage issues
(02:04):
you're, you know, gettingdivorced, or you're threatened
divorce and it's like I want tosave my marriage, but oh,
actually I'm not willing to dothat, right.
So I think it's just reallyimportant for you to pay
attention to this, because it'sa form of manipulation, abuse.
They're going to string youalong and it's like, well, you
(02:28):
told me you would do anything.
I think my former spouse heused to always tell me like I
would stand on my head in acorner for you all day long and
I'm like, wait, will you stophaving an affair?
Oh, no, I'm not going to dothat, okay.
So you're going to do anythingfor me, except for that, like
the one thing that I want, theone thing that is going to help
(02:48):
us repair our marriage, you'renot willing to do.
I listened to this other podcastwhere the lady talked about
meatloafing because when I madethat reel, she's like, oh my
gosh, I used to say this too,but anyways and that's when I
heard the term I'm like oh,that's hysterical.
I didn't even know that wasMeatloaf when I made the reel.
(03:09):
I'm like maybe I should knowmore of the singers, because of
course, there's some people onmy comments that are like, how
dare you say this about Meatloaf?
I'm like it is not aboutMeatloaf, I'm just making a
point about me love.
I'm just making a point.
But the husband was like we needto have a better co-parenting
relationship and I want to bebetter and just, I love our kids
(03:33):
and our family.
And the daughter had lost herearrings when she was at her
dad's and the mom said well, youknow, can you give me twenty
dollars to buy our daughter newearrings that she lost at your
house?
He's like, absolutely not, Ican't do that.
It's like, well, wait a second.
I thought you wanted to havethis better relationship.
(03:53):
And then the one thing I askyou're gonna say no.
So I think this happens a lot,right, not necessarily, but
especially like in divorce andbetrayal, like I begged my
husband former husband for adisclosure.
I wanted a full disclosure.
I didn't even know what thatwas, to even ask.
But when I figured it out and Ilearned and this was after we
(04:17):
were divorced, so I'm like, whatis the guy got to lose?
Like, can't you just tell meeverything?
Like I just want some answersso I can heal more and feel
better.
And, of course, what I'vealready told you everything I'm
not giving you a full disclosureso that, you know, is
disappointing, but I was atleast willing to ask for it.
But I just think that's what Icall meatloafing.
(04:41):
So if you've been meatloafed,that's what I mean by that.
There's another definition outthere, but that's what I'm
calling it.
Anyways, the other term I wantto talk about today is
breadcrumbing.
And I think if you are I meanfor sure this happens in
marriages and also like indating.
(05:01):
But I always envision, likewhen I think of bread crumbing
is Hansel and Gretel, if youknow.
That story is you know they'reescaping the wicked witch's
house, or they were going totheir house and they didn't want
to.
They're in the woods and theydidn't want to get lost and so
they're dropping bread crumbsalong the way and of course some
(05:21):
of their bread, the crumbs,were eaten, so they end up
getting lost and get into thewitch's house, but so just like
little pieces left along the way.
But it is really a form ofmanipulation, right?
So that that's kind of thevisual I was thinking.
But when someone actually breadcrumbs you, they're just leading
(05:41):
you on, they're giving you justenough, just a little bit of
bread, a little bit ofbite-sized things to like keep
you hanging and hoping, right.
But it is very manipulative.
It involves small butinconsistent supply of interest
that keeps someone feeling asthough there is the potential
(06:03):
for more.
And I'm sure men, women do thisand they prey on our
insecurities, right?
I think the more secure inyourself you can be, the more
resistant you can be frombreadcrumbing.
But of course we love to beloved and we like people to like
us and so we hope.
I mean we want to look at thegood in people, for sure, but I
(06:28):
just think it's something to beaware of.
So signs someone isbreadcrumbing you, inability to
make or commit plans these arejust like little things.
It doesn't mean if someone hasthis that they are breadcrumbing
you, but just think things topay attention to If someone is,
(06:49):
you know, always schedulingsomething with you and then
canceling at the last minute, orsomething always comes up.
Or because if you really likesomeone and if someone really
wants to be with you, even ifit's your spouse, they're going
to be with you, right, they'renot going to always.
Now, obviously, things come up,things happen, but if this is a
(07:12):
pattern, I think it's reallysomething to pay attention to.
Or if people are like, oh yeah,that sounds so much fun, let's
do that next week, and then nextweek never happens, right?
So just really pay attention tothat.
Another one is microcommunication.
The micro communication is nota complete lack of association,
nor is it ignoring or blowingsomeone off.
(07:34):
Instead, micro communication isdropping small, exclusively
digital bytes of communication,right, so they're just like
every now and again saying, hey,what's up?
Right, like sending things.
So you think like they'recommunicating with you, but
they're just like in little bits, and then they'll go weeks
without communicating, or theymight send a comment, or like
(08:00):
your post.
So it gets your brain to think,oh, maybe they're interested,
or maybe they like me, or it'skind of like the bare minimum.
They're doing the bare minimum,but they still have your
attention, okay.
So pay attention to this.
I feel like I should be talkingto a bunch of 20 year olds in
(08:20):
this conversation, but I forsure, if you're my age, and they
didn't have the termbreadcrumbing when we were in
high school or college, right,when we were dating, remember I
haven't dated for 30 years, soit's been a while, so I'm
learning this, but this couldalso be helping in your marriage
(08:40):
, in your relationship, right.
So pay attention, because theseare red flags and I'm gonna
tell you some things you can do.
Another one is emotionaldiscomfort.
Breadcrumbers are oftenconfrontation averse.
They tend to avoid negative orstressful interactions.
They don't want to share orexpress their emotions or
(09:02):
interest because they think if Idon't tell you I like you, then
I can't be rejected, rejected,right.
So I think it's reallyimportant that you are aware of
this.
Okay, keeping in touch.
This is possibly the mostdifficult example.
I think this is hard for womenthat have recently got divorced
(09:23):
or have been divorced for a longtime.
It's like they still contact,or anytime, their ex like calls,
texts, emails.
They're like on it, like, andI'm going to say I'm guilty of
this, right.
Like, oh, I'm going to respondquickly, right, but it just can
(09:45):
be really hard for your healingif you've broken up with someone
.
So whether you're married ordating, you've got to just cut
it off.
That's going to help yourhealing.
Now maybe eventually you canhave some sort of communication
or contact with this person.
You get to decide, but makesure it's on your terms, not
(10:05):
theirs, okay, because it canjust be really harmful and
really hurtful with yourself-esteem if they just keep in
touch with you, right, likeyou're like, oh, maybe they like
me again.
Or you know, maybe they'reinterested, right, it just plays
games with your mind.
People that are serialbreadcrumbers they probably have
(10:27):
a lot of narcissistictendencies, so it's just really
something to be aware of becauseyou're going to get hurt.
The whole point is they're notplanning on anything serious.
This is very casual for them.
The impacts that breadcrumbinghas on you is they typically
(10:47):
exert their power on people whothey know have strong feelings
for them.
So it's like almost like oh, Iknow she likes me.
So I'm going to take fulladvantage of this.
A lot of times if you noticethat you like someone more than
they like you and you'resuppressing your needs to make
(11:07):
the other person happy or youknow you feel more attached to
them Definite sign, okay, thatthere's breadcrumbing going on
and you're definitely going toget hurt.
Over time.
It could cause people to lowertheir standards and learn that
they must accept the bareminimum of love or attention
(11:28):
that is provided by others.
So just pay attention.
Like you can have highstandards, that doesn't mean you
are something's wrong with youor you know you think you're
better than everyone else.
No, that's not what it means.
But no, you get to decide whatyou expect in someone that likes
(11:49):
you and wants to be with youand having that conversation.
And are they bringing the sameenergy to your relationship that
you are?
And if not, then you can decidewhat you want to do.
If you have experienced or areexperiencing breadcrumbing in
your relationship, just payattention.
(12:09):
Like, what are you gaining byengaging with this person and
what are you losing by engagingwith this person?
What kind of energy Are yougoing to have better energy if
you break the relationship off?
Just really pay attention.
Is this a fantasy?
Have you made this person intosomething that they're not?
(12:29):
It's easy to do this right.
It's easy to like, thinkthey're this great guy or great
girl and it's like, oh, actually, if you like, step away for a
moment.
You're like, oh, actuallythey're not, or they're not what
I want really, or I need better.
We need to be direct.
Let the person know how theircommunication, style and actions
(12:53):
make you feel.
It's okay to tell someone howyou feel.
Even if it's negative, it'sactually really healthy.
Let them know the impact oftheir behaviors and ask for what
you want to be treated like apriority and a person they value
.
And if you tell someone, hey, Idon't think you're treating me
(13:14):
like I should be treated andyou're not valuing me, and they
don't change, that's a sign.
That's good information.
Get curious about that.
Okay, I mean, I was married ina relationship like this, right,
I wasn't valued, I wasn'ttreated like I needed and should
(13:36):
have been treated.
Right, like you don't cheat onyour wife and then you don't
tell her because that's not verynice, you don't want her to
know.
Right, those are just lies thatpeople having affairs tell
themselves like why I don't wanther to find out, I'm going to
hurt her feelings.
Okay, that's bullcrap and it'snot nice.
That's the very unnicest thingyou can do.
(13:57):
Okay, that's lying to yourselfand then lying to your spouse,
lying to your family.
It's a lot of lies.
Don't reinforce the bad behavior.
It's okay not to respond if thebreadcrumber is only sending
superficial texts late at night.
Okay, if you notice likethey're only sending texts when
(14:19):
it's convenient for them andthey'll go days without
responding to you.
And but if you continue to likeyou know when you get a text at
3 am and you respond, right,they're gonna still do it.
You're reinforcing thatbehavior.
Teach others how to treat youand I think this is really a key
.
I for sure know now for myselfhow, if I ever choose to get in
(14:45):
a relationship with a man again,how I will be treated and how I
will not be treated, and I willuse my voice to say as much.
So really go inward and decidelike how do I want to be treated
?
Okay, encourage people to well,encourage yourself to really
consider that it's okay to askYou're the only one that can
(15:09):
meet your needs and it's okay toask and request and ask again.
It might take a few times.
If this person is reallyshowing like, okay, they
actually do care, then it's good, but if not, it might be time
to walk away.
Decide what you're willing totolerate.
Don't accept anything less.
I think sometimes we you knowthe fear of rejection Don't
(15:30):
accept anything less.
I think sometimes we, you knowthe fear of rejection not being
good enough, and I laugh at thatbecause I'm like I get it, like
I have felt not good enough foryears and years.
But I'm like, wait a second.
You know they weren't goodenough for me.
Like, why am I the one thinkingI'm not good enough?
So really, be onto your brainwhen you're going down the path
of like I'm not good enough,it's like wait a second.
(15:52):
What if they're not the onesthat aren't good enough for me?
Now, everyone is good enough,right Like that's silly that we
even think that, but we do, butthey're just not your person,
they're not for you.
Remember your worth, I think isso important.
Remind yourself that you don'tneed to beg for afterthoughts,
(16:13):
for scraps or crumbs, right Likeyou deserve all of it.
It's not just like only the fewminutes of your time or
whatever.
Right.
Demand that, I think.
Expect that in your marriage.
Have this conversation.
If you feel like you're gettingthe scraps, have a conversation
about it, because if you don't,you're going to continue
(16:36):
getting the scraps and you'regoing to be miserable and you're
not going to have a fulfillingmarriage or relationship.
And it's okay to ask and ofcourse, you could want to do it
in a kind, loving way but justreally pay attention.
If this is an issue in yourmarriage or relationship, as you
start saying no tobreadcrumbing and prioritizing
(16:57):
yourself with greater care andhonoring, you will attract
others who will treat yousimilarly in kind.
So I just think it's importantto analyze, right Like, is this
happening in your relationship?
Okay, so I have one more thatI'm going to talk about.
So we talked about meatloafing,which I think is hysterical, and
(17:21):
breadcrumbing it's really sad.
Right Like that behavior is sad, but I just think it's a funny
term and breadcrumbing and thenlove bombing.
Love bombing I have talkedabout this before, but I think
it went along with the other two.
And if you're getting lovebombed excessive compliments
(17:42):
right Like, the love bomber maysay things like I feel like you
were created just for me.
My life would be nothingwithout you.
Everything is just like you'rejust the most amazing person,
right Like that's a little overthe top, especially if you've
just met them.
They want to rush into arelationship.
They have grand gestures.
The love bomber may make grandgestures or send over the top
(18:06):
gifts, pushing for commitment.
The love bomber may push forcommitment or more time together
, so they're just rushing you.
I was, for sure, married to alove bomber.
I didn't know that at the time,like I didn't know that term,
which I know sounds crazy.
But you know, back in the daywe didn't have the internet, we
(18:28):
didn't have Instagram and allthe things right where it made
it easier.
I went to therapy and no oneever said, oh, your husband is
love bombing you.
But I figured that on my ownand it was interesting because
as I learned this terminology, Ialways wondered why I didn't
like getting gifts from myhusband and he loved giving
(18:50):
gifts, right and so I alwaysfelt horrible, like I felt like
I was in the wrong, like whydon't I like getting gifts?
Is something wrong with me?
Like I like gifts.
I, growing up, I loved Christmas, I liked getting gifts.
My friends bought me gifts andbut I think it's because there
(19:27):
was always this meaning attachedto the gift that I didn't.
So I save, like every card thatyou know, every time he sent me
flowers, and a lot of thosecards say I'm sorry, sorry for
the way I behaved last night orwhatever.
They're apology flowers and Ilove flowers, but I hated
getting flowers from him and I'msure not every flower
(19:50):
arrangement was an apologyflowers, but a lot of them were
and it's like well, were yougonna send me flowers when it
was just a random day and I gotthose two right.
And I don't think every giftwas a love bomb, but many were
and they just land different andif you know, you know.
(20:13):
So I don't know if I'mdescribing it well, but love
bombing can be a red flagbecause it can indicate further
psychological and physicalviolence.
It can be especially dangerousfor people who are already
lacking attention or affection,and I don't I don't think that
was it for me, like that wasn'tthe intention.
(20:35):
But just pay attention.
If you're someone that reallylike, loves gifts and needs
gifts and then someone lavishesyou with gifts, you know, maybe
you've lived in scarcity yourwhole life or just feel like you
never had anything and you getall these gifts, like I just
think, pay attention.
What's the meaning behind thegift?
(20:57):
Is there an expectation behindthat gift?
And address your feelings withyour partner.
I, I for sure, did address myfeelings about this, but I
always felt bad afterwards, likeI've done something wrong or
(21:17):
what is wrong with me.
A Tesla, or flowers, nicedinners, trips, jewelry, lots of
love bomb jewelry and yet itjust something always fell off
(21:41):
and I just think it was right,like my gut was right.
I didn't necessarily know whatit was, but I right and it can
be.
I think love bombing it's justanother manipulation tool.
It's another not healthy way tobe in a relationship.
You're using things to distractsomeone from what you're really
(22:06):
doing and then covering up,right, like oh my gosh, I gave
you all this stuff and you'rejust ungrateful, right, and then
the person feels bad, that gotthe gift.
That's just, to me, not how agift is meant to be given.
So if you've experienced any ofthese things like, just pay
attention, you don't have toexperience them.
(22:26):
You can choose different.
You can request like, hey,maybe let's take a break from
gift giving for like six monthsand just see how things go.
Like, if you feel like you'remarried to someone that love
bombs, you see if they can go,because the thing is they're
getting a need met and doing it,and maybe they'll see like, oh,
(22:50):
actually, my wife loves mewithout these gifts, so I was
wrong about why I was doing itright, like whatever the
intention was, I think isimportant.
So if you need a coach, I wouldlove to be your coach and I
would love to help you navigatebetrayal and heal from betrayal.
(23:10):
I totally believe you can healfrom it and so reach out and if
you like this podcast, pleaseshare it with your family and
friends and have a great weekand I will talk to you next week
.
If you want to learn how tolive happily even after, sign up
for my email at hello at lifecoach Jen, with one n dot com,
follow me on Instagram andFacebook at
(23:32):
happilyevenaftercoach.
Let's work together to createyour happily even after.
Welcome to my podcast Happily Even After.
I'm life coach, jen.
I'm passionate about helpingpeople recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only
(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today we begin to help you livehappily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast.
Today I'm going to talk about afew different things that
people possibly do in theirrelationship.
And I named and I'm suresomeone else has named this, but
(00:54):
it's called meatloafing Back inthe day, I think the 90s
there's a guy that he's a singer.
His name is Meatloaf I'm hopingthat's not his real name and
don't look up the definition inthe Urban Dictionary, because
that's not what I'm talkingabout.
But he sings a song that says Iwill do anything for love, but
(01:17):
I won't do that.
And I made a reel using himsinging the song and I said like
I'll do anything for love, butI won't do that.
And me or a woman asking or aman someone asking hey, I need
you to be honest and accountableabout your affair if we are
going to repair our marriage andthe idea is you're asking for
(01:41):
something from your spouse andthey're like, oh, I'm not going
to do that, right.
And so I think this happens sooften in betrayal, when it's
like, oh, I'm going to doanything to save my marriage,
but actually I'm not willing tochange, or and it doesn't even
have to be an affair, it couldbe whatever marriage issues
(02:04):
you're, you know, gettingdivorced, or you're threatened
divorce and it's like I want tosave my marriage, but oh,
actually I'm not willing to dothat, right.
So I think it's just reallyimportant for you to pay
attention to this, because it'sa form of manipulation, abuse.
They're going to string youalong and it's like, well, you
(02:28):
told me you would do anything.
I think my former spouse heused to always tell me like I
would stand on my head in acorner for you all day long and
I'm like, wait, will you stophaving an affair?
Oh, no, I'm not going to dothat, okay.
So you're going to do anythingfor me, except for that, like
the one thing that I want, theone thing that is going to help
(02:48):
us repair our marriage, you'renot willing to do.
I listened to this other podcastwhere the lady talked about
meatloafing because when I madethat reel, she's like, oh my
gosh, I used to say this too,but anyways and that's when I
heard the term I'm like oh,that's hysterical.
I didn't even know that wasMeatloaf when I made the reel.
(03:09):
I'm like maybe I should knowmore of the singers, because of
course, there's some people onmy comments that are like, how
dare you say this about Meatloaf?
I'm like it is not aboutMeatloaf, I'm just making a
point about me love.
I'm just making a point.
But the husband was like we needto have a better co-parenting
relationship and I want to bebetter and just, I love our kids
(03:33):
and our family.
And the daughter had lost herearrings when she was at her
dad's and the mom said well, youknow, can you give me twenty
dollars to buy our daughter newearrings that she lost at your
house?
He's like, absolutely not, Ican't do that.
It's like, well, wait a second.
I thought you wanted to havethis better relationship.
(03:53):
And then the one thing I askyou're gonna say no.
So I think this happens a lot,right, not necessarily, but
especially like in divorce andbetrayal, like I begged my
husband former husband for adisclosure.
I wanted a full disclosure.
I didn't even know what thatwas, to even ask.
But when I figured it out and Ilearned and this was after we
(04:17):
were divorced, so I'm like, whatis the guy got to lose?
Like, can't you just tell meeverything?
Like I just want some answersso I can heal more and feel
better.
And, of course, what I'vealready told you everything I'm
not giving you a full disclosureso that, you know, is
disappointing, but I was atleast willing to ask for it.
But I just think that's what Icall meatloafing.
(04:41):
So if you've been meatloafed,that's what I mean by that.
There's another definition outthere, but that's what I'm
calling it.
Anyways, the other term I wantto talk about today is
breadcrumbing.
And I think if you are I meanfor sure this happens in
marriages and also like indating.
(05:01):
But I always envision, likewhen I think of bread crumbing
is Hansel and Gretel, if youknow.
That story is you know they'reescaping the wicked witch's
house, or they were going totheir house and they didn't want
to.
They're in the woods and theydidn't want to get lost and so
they're dropping bread crumbsalong the way and of course some
(05:21):
of their bread, the crumbs,were eaten, so they end up
getting lost and get into thewitch's house, but so just like
little pieces left along the way.
But it is really a form ofmanipulation, right?
So that that's kind of thevisual I was thinking.
But when someone actually breadcrumbs you, they're just leading
(05:41):
you on, they're giving you justenough, just a little bit of
bread, a little bit ofbite-sized things to like keep
you hanging and hoping, right.
But it is very manipulative.
It involves small butinconsistent supply of interest
that keeps someone feeling asthough there is the potential
(06:03):
for more.
And I'm sure men, women do thisand they prey on our
insecurities, right?
I think the more secure inyourself you can be, the more
resistant you can be frombreadcrumbing.
But of course we love to beloved and we like people to like
us and so we hope.
I mean we want to look at thegood in people, for sure, but I
(06:28):
just think it's something to beaware of.
So signs someone isbreadcrumbing you, inability to
make or commit plans these arejust like little things.
It doesn't mean if someone hasthis that they are breadcrumbing
you, but just think things topay attention to If someone is,
(06:49):
you know, always schedulingsomething with you and then
canceling at the last minute, orsomething always comes up.
Or because if you really likesomeone and if someone really
wants to be with you, even ifit's your spouse, they're going
to be with you, right, they'renot going to always.
Now, obviously, things come up,things happen, but if this is a
(07:12):
pattern, I think it's reallysomething to pay attention to.
Or if people are like, oh yeah,that sounds so much fun, let's
do that next week, and then nextweek never happens, right?
So just really pay attention tothat.
Another one is microcommunication.
The micro communication is nota complete lack of association,
nor is it ignoring or blowingsomeone off.
(07:34):
Instead, micro communication isdropping small, exclusively
digital bytes of communication,right, so they're just like
every now and again saying, hey,what's up?
Right, like sending things.
So you think like they'recommunicating with you, but
they're just like in little bits, and then they'll go weeks
without communicating, or theymight send a comment, or like
(08:00):
your post.
So it gets your brain to think,oh, maybe they're interested,
or maybe they like me, or it'skind of like the bare minimum.
They're doing the bare minimum,but they still have your
attention, okay.
So pay attention to this.
I feel like I should be talkingto a bunch of 20 year olds in
(08:20):
this conversation, but I forsure, if you're my age, and they
didn't have the termbreadcrumbing when we were in
high school or college, right,when we were dating, remember I
haven't dated for 30 years, soit's been a while, so I'm
learning this, but this couldalso be helping in your marriage
(08:40):
, in your relationship, right.
So pay attention, because theseare red flags and I'm gonna
tell you some things you can do.
Another one is emotionaldiscomfort.
Breadcrumbers are oftenconfrontation averse.
They tend to avoid negative orstressful interactions.
They don't want to share orexpress their emotions or
(09:02):
interest because they think if Idon't tell you I like you, then
I can't be rejected, rejected,right.
So I think it's reallyimportant that you are aware of
this.
Okay, keeping in touch.
This is possibly the mostdifficult example.
I think this is hard for womenthat have recently got divorced
(09:23):
or have been divorced for a longtime.
It's like they still contact,or anytime, their ex like calls,
texts, emails.
They're like on it, like, andI'm going to say I'm guilty of
this, right.
Like, oh, I'm going to respondquickly, right, but it just can
(09:45):
be really hard for your healingif you've broken up with someone
.
So whether you're married ordating, you've got to just cut
it off.
That's going to help yourhealing.
Now maybe eventually you canhave some sort of communication
or contact with this person.
You get to decide, but makesure it's on your terms, not
(10:05):
theirs, okay, because it canjust be really harmful and
really hurtful with yourself-esteem if they just keep in
touch with you, right, likeyou're like, oh, maybe they like
me again.
Or you know, maybe they'reinterested, right, it just plays
games with your mind.
People that are serialbreadcrumbers they probably have
(10:27):
a lot of narcissistictendencies, so it's just really
something to be aware of becauseyou're going to get hurt.
The whole point is they're notplanning on anything serious.
This is very casual for them.
The impacts that breadcrumbinghas on you is they typically
(10:47):
exert their power on people whothey know have strong feelings
for them.
So it's like almost like oh, Iknow she likes me.
So I'm going to take fulladvantage of this.
A lot of times if you noticethat you like someone more than
they like you and you'resuppressing your needs to make
(11:07):
the other person happy or youknow you feel more attached to
them Definite sign, okay, thatthere's breadcrumbing going on
and you're definitely going toget hurt.
Over time.
It could cause people to lowertheir standards and learn that
they must accept the bareminimum of love or attention
(11:28):
that is provided by others.
So just pay attention.
Like you can have highstandards, that doesn't mean you
are something's wrong with youor you know you think you're
better than everyone else.
No, that's not what it means.
But no, you get to decide whatyou expect in someone that likes
(11:49):
you and wants to be with youand having that conversation.
And are they bringing the sameenergy to your relationship that
you are?
And if not, then you can decidewhat you want to do.
If you have experienced or areexperiencing breadcrumbing in
your relationship, just payattention.
(12:09):
Like, what are you gaining byengaging with this person and
what are you losing by engagingwith this person?
What kind of energy Are yougoing to have better energy if
you break the relationship off?
Just really pay attention.
Is this a fantasy?
Have you made this person intosomething that they're not?
(12:29):
It's easy to do this right.
It's easy to like, thinkthey're this great guy or great
girl and it's like, oh, actually, if you like, step away for a
moment.
You're like, oh, actuallythey're not, or they're not what
I want really, or I need better.
We need to be direct.
Let the person know how theircommunication, style and actions
(12:53):
make you feel.
It's okay to tell someone howyou feel.
Even if it's negative, it'sactually really healthy.
Let them know the impact oftheir behaviors and ask for what
you want to be treated like apriority and a person they value
.
And if you tell someone, hey, Idon't think you're treating me
(13:14):
like I should be treated andyou're not valuing me, and they
don't change, that's a sign.
That's good information.
Get curious about that.
Okay, I mean, I was married ina relationship like this, right,
I wasn't valued, I wasn'ttreated like I needed and should
(13:36):
have been treated.
Right, like you don't cheat onyour wife and then you don't
tell her because that's not verynice, you don't want her to
know.
Right, those are just lies thatpeople having affairs tell
themselves like why I don't wanther to find out, I'm going to
hurt her feelings.
Okay, that's bullcrap and it'snot nice.
That's the very unnicest thingyou can do.
(13:57):
Okay, that's lying to yourselfand then lying to your spouse,
lying to your family.
It's a lot of lies.
Don't reinforce the bad behavior.
It's okay not to respond if thebreadcrumber is only sending
superficial texts late at night.
Okay, if you notice likethey're only sending texts when
(14:19):
it's convenient for them andthey'll go days without
responding to you.
And but if you continue to likeyou know when you get a text at
3 am and you respond, right,they're gonna still do it.
You're reinforcing thatbehavior.
Teach others how to treat youand I think this is really a key
.
I for sure know now for myselfhow, if I ever choose to get in
(14:45):
a relationship with a man again,how I will be treated and how I
will not be treated, and I willuse my voice to say as much.
So really go inward and decidelike how do I want to be treated
?
Okay, encourage people to well,encourage yourself to really
consider that it's okay to askYou're the only one that can
(15:09):
meet your needs and it's okay toask and request and ask again.
It might take a few times.
If this person is reallyshowing like, okay, they
actually do care, then it's good, but if not, it might be time
to walk away.
Decide what you're willing totolerate.
Don't accept anything less.
I think sometimes we you knowthe fear of rejection Don't
(15:30):
accept anything less.
I think sometimes we, you knowthe fear of rejection not being
good enough, and I laugh at thatbecause I'm like I get it, like
I have felt not good enough foryears and years.
But I'm like, wait a second.
You know they weren't goodenough for me.
Like, why am I the one thinkingI'm not good enough?
So really, be onto your brainwhen you're going down the path
of like I'm not good enough,it's like wait a second.
(15:52):
What if they're not the onesthat aren't good enough for me?
Now, everyone is good enough,right Like that's silly that we
even think that, but we do, butthey're just not your person,
they're not for you.
Remember your worth, I think isso important.
Remind yourself that you don'tneed to beg for afterthoughts,
(16:13):
for scraps or crumbs, right Likeyou deserve all of it.
It's not just like only the fewminutes of your time or
whatever.
Right.
Demand that, I think.
Expect that in your marriage.
Have this conversation.
If you feel like you're gettingthe scraps, have a conversation
about it, because if you don't,you're going to continue
(16:36):
getting the scraps and you'regoing to be miserable and you're
not going to have a fulfillingmarriage or relationship.
And it's okay to ask and ofcourse, you could want to do it
in a kind, loving way but justreally pay attention.
If this is an issue in yourmarriage or relationship, as you
start saying no tobreadcrumbing and prioritizing
(16:57):
yourself with greater care andhonoring, you will attract
others who will treat yousimilarly in kind.
So I just think it's importantto analyze, right Like, is this
happening in your relationship?
Okay, so I have one more thatI'm going to talk about.
So we talked about meatloafing,which I think is hysterical, and
(17:21):
breadcrumbing it's really sad.
Right Like that behavior is sad, but I just think it's a funny
term and breadcrumbing and thenlove bombing.
Love bombing I have talkedabout this before, but I think
it went along with the other two.
And if you're getting lovebombed excessive compliments
(17:42):
right Like, the love bomber maysay things like I feel like you
were created just for me.
My life would be nothingwithout you.
Everything is just like you'rejust the most amazing person,
right Like that's a little overthe top, especially if you've
just met them.
They want to rush into arelationship.
They have grand gestures.
The love bomber may make grandgestures or send over the top
(18:06):
gifts, pushing for commitment.
The love bomber may push forcommitment or more time together
, so they're just rushing you.
I was, for sure, married to alove bomber.
I didn't know that at the time,like I didn't know that term,
which I know sounds crazy.
But you know, back in the daywe didn't have the internet, we
(18:28):
didn't have Instagram and allthe things right where it made
it easier.
I went to therapy and no oneever said, oh, your husband is
love bombing you.
But I figured that on my ownand it was interesting because
as I learned this terminology, Ialways wondered why I didn't
like getting gifts from myhusband and he loved giving
(18:50):
gifts, right and so I alwaysfelt horrible, like I felt like
I was in the wrong, like whydon't I like getting gifts?
Is something wrong with me?
Like I like gifts.
I, growing up, I loved Christmas, I liked getting gifts.
My friends bought me gifts andbut I think it's because there
(19:27):
was always this meaning attachedto the gift that I didn't.
So I save, like every card thatyou know, every time he sent me
flowers, and a lot of thosecards say I'm sorry, sorry for
the way I behaved last night orwhatever.
They're apology flowers and Ilove flowers, but I hated
getting flowers from him and I'msure not every flower
(19:50):
arrangement was an apologyflowers, but a lot of them were
and it's like well, were yougonna send me flowers when it
was just a random day and I gotthose two right.
And I don't think every giftwas a love bomb, but many were
and they just land different andif you know, you know.
(20:13):
So I don't know if I'mdescribing it well, but love
bombing can be a red flagbecause it can indicate further
psychological and physicalviolence.
It can be especially dangerousfor people who are already
lacking attention or affection,and I don't I don't think that
was it for me, like that wasn'tthe intention.
(20:35):
But just pay attention.
If you're someone that reallylike, loves gifts and needs
gifts and then someone lavishesyou with gifts, you know, maybe
you've lived in scarcity yourwhole life or just feel like you
never had anything and you getall these gifts, like I just
think, pay attention.
What's the meaning behind thegift?
(20:57):
Is there an expectation behindthat gift?
And address your feelings withyour partner.
I, I for sure, did address myfeelings about this, but I
always felt bad afterwards, likeI've done something wrong or
(21:17):
what is wrong with me.
A Tesla, or flowers, nicedinners, trips, jewelry, lots of
love bomb jewelry and yet itjust something always fell off
(21:41):
and I just think it was right,like my gut was right.
I didn't necessarily know whatit was, but I right and it can
be.
I think love bombing it's justanother manipulation tool.
It's another not healthy way tobe in a relationship.
You're using things to distractsomeone from what you're really
(22:06):
doing and then covering up,right, like oh my gosh, I gave
you all this stuff and you'rejust ungrateful, right, and then
the person feels bad, that gotthe gift.
That's just, to me, not how agift is meant to be given.
So if you've experienced any ofthese things like, just pay
attention, you don't have toexperience them.
(22:26):
You can choose different.
You can request like, hey,maybe let's take a break from
gift giving for like six monthsand just see how things go.
Like, if you feel like you'remarried to someone that love
bombs, you see if they can go,because the thing is they're
getting a need met and doing it,and maybe they'll see like, oh,
(22:50):
actually, my wife loves mewithout these gifts, so I was
wrong about why I was doing itright, like whatever the
intention was, I think isimportant.
So if you need a coach, I wouldlove to be your coach and I
would love to help you navigatebetrayal and heal from betrayal.
(23:10):
I totally believe you can healfrom it and so reach out and if
you like this podcast, pleaseshare it with your family and
friends and have a great weekand I will talk to you next week
.
If you want to learn how tolive happily even after, sign up
for my email at hello at lifecoach Jen, with one n dot com,
follow me on Instagram andFacebook at
(23:32):
happilyevenaftercoach.
Let's work together to createyour happily even after.
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