March 10, 2025 • 26 mins
Feeling trapped in the aftermath of betrayal? Join me, Jen, as I share my personal journey of overcoming emotional challenges triggered by unexpected events, like my son's car accident and some gym membership mishaps. These incidents pulled me back into familiar feelings of betrayal, urging me to explore how past traumas resurface in current situations. Together, we'll navigate the complexities of emotional awareness and the importance of regulating our nervous systems. I'll guide you through my methods of managing these emotions to become the person I aspire to be, and offer practical insights you can apply to your own life's hurdles.
We'll also tackle the subtle art of recognizing emotional manipulation, an often-overlooked aspect of relationships that can damage trust and communication. From guilt-tripping to the silent treatment, understanding these tactics is crucial in fostering healthier interactions and maintaining boundaries. I'll highlight the necessity of self-awareness and personal accountability, emphasizing how identifying and addressing these patterns can lead to more constructive engagements. Finally, let's explore the essential journey of discovering self-needs and boundaries, empowering you to seek support when needed and to communicate more effectively with those around you. Join me as we unravel these intricacies for a more fulfilling life.
Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.
Email me: hello@lifecoachjen.com for any comments or questions.
Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.
My website is www.lifecoachjen.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Welcome to my podcast .
Happily, even After.
I'm life coach, jen, I'mpassionate about helping people
recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed, certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only
(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today we begin to help you livehappily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast.
So before I get into today'stopic, I just am going to do a
little venting.
I'm going to get on my soapboxfor a second and share something
that I've been dealing with forthe past few weeks and to give
(00:55):
a plug to why it's important toknow, understand and regulate
your nervous system, why it'simportant to become aware of
what you're thinking and feeling.
And that's what I do as a coachis help people understand this,
and it has been a life changerfor me.
(01:17):
But the past few weeks, my sonwas in a car accident and it was
very minor.
Son was in a car accident andit was very minor, but it was in
a parking lot and a car hit him.
Well, two and a half weeks goby and Progressive, the
insurance company decides theymessed up and originally they
said it was 80% the other guy'sfault, 20% mine.
(01:40):
I didn't really agree with that, but I was like, okay, let's
get the car fixed.
Well, then they decide, oh wait, the guy doesn't have enough
insurance.
It's actually not our fault,it's 100% your fault.
And so you can imagine I waslivid, so angry.
I then have to call myinsurance.
My insurance is farmers Amazing, they've been really great.
(02:03):
But I still felt this is unfair.
I felt taken advantage of.
I felt betrayed.
I felt my son was very upsetbecause he's like mom, this
wasn't my fault, so he felt allthose same emotions.
Okay, so I've been trying towork through this.
(02:26):
I've even read the law, theUtah law.
I have called my brother, who'sa lawyer, I've called my
parents, I vented to friends, Ivented to my trainer.
So I've been doing a lot ofprocessing about this.
I cried to my insurance agent.
I was so upset, anyway.
(02:47):
So you can tell I've beenexpressing my feelings.
And then a few days later, I wasat the gym and I have been
working on my budget.
I have never been a goodbudgeter.
I haven't really needed to Inmy past life, when I was married
, my husband made a lot of moneyand so I just didn't really
(03:12):
need a budget.
And you know, lots of thingscome out automatic and we belong
to EOS and as I was looking,I'm like, wait a second, there
are a lot of fees that I'mgetting charged every month.
I need to figure out wherethese fees are.
So I go talk to to figure outwhere these fees are.
So I go talk to the guy theother day and you know, I went
through myself and my son, whohave an account, but there were
still like six other fees thatweren't accounted for.
(03:34):
Turns out, my daughter who, in2021, moved to Virginia.
I was still getting charged forher membership, even though
they clearly have me tellingthem she moved.
I brought in all the stuffright in 2021.
Then in 2022, I canceledanother sense thing anyways and
(03:57):
it didn't get canceled.
So, unbeknownst to me, I'vebeen paying for these two
children of mine, who I everymonth for their membership, as
well, as, you know, the yearlyfee that they now charge, which
I didn't know about either.
So I was unfair, felt betrayed,I felt gaslit because they
(04:17):
weren't believing me, they weretelling me it wasn't their
problem, and so a lot ofemotions that I had experienced
in my marriage right were comingup for me from these other
things.
And why I tell you this isbecause, even though did I
handle it perfect?
Absolutely not Like I for sureI felt my nervous system.
(04:39):
I got so triggered, I for surewent into fight mode my trauma
responses is usually fight and Iwas like blaming them, what's
wrong with them?
And then I went back to blamingme and I was just in this
really negative vicious cycleand I don't like feeling
(04:59):
negative, because in general I'musually a pretty positive.
I'm like no, I can do this.
So I just want you to know thatit is normal to feel that way
and it's okay.
But for me, becoming aware andit really helped me bring up I'm
like, oh, I still have a lot oftriggers around being treated
(05:22):
unfairly or being lied to orbeing betrayed.
There's still some feelingsthere that I need to work on,
and so just know that healing isa process.
Sometimes you can learn thingsfrom different experiences.
It's not necessarily arelationship, but other ways and
(05:44):
you can find ways to recognizelike, oh, I still have some work
to do.
And for me, understanding, okay, how do I regulate myself?
How can I get control?
How can I show up as the personthat I want to be in the
situation?
Who can I be here, you know?
Do I need to maybe apologize tothe sweet kid who's probably
(06:05):
like in his 20s, trying to justdo his job, telling me there's
nothing he can do about it,which I'm sure that's true?
You know for sure I was upset,I was mad, anyways.
So I think this is just anexample of why I think it's
important to understand what'sgoing on inside of your body, so
you don't make it mean thatyou've done something wrong.
(06:25):
I didn't do anything wrong.
I was like out of my controlhow my body showed up, but I
could learn.
I knew how to exactly how toregulate what I needed to do,
how I needed to get that stressout, how to process it, how I
could like look at them and seeit more logically and then look
at me and have a lot ofcompassion for myself and, of
course, I felt treated unfairly,right, and that's a pattern of
(06:49):
mine from my past.
So I wanted to share that withyou because it's such helpful
information and it's reallychanged my life and if you are
like I need this.
Reach out.
I'd love to help you.
So now onto our topic.
We're going to talk aboutemotional weapons of war, and I
(07:09):
was listening to a podcast andthey mentioned this and I was
like, oh, that's what I'mtalking about and what I mean by
this.
We all, when we're having afight, an argument, especially
with our spouse, but it could bewith your kids or, like me, it
could be with the insurance guyor the guy at EOS, jim right,
these are things that peopleusually do.
(07:32):
Now, you might not do these,but these are just some examples
of ways when we get defensive,some tactics.
So emotional weapons of warthey're behaviors that
manipulate others using emotionssuch as guilt, anger or blame.
Okay, they can be used tocontrol others, avoid difficult
(07:54):
conversations or distract fromissues.
So if you experience this, ifyou're having an argument, I
just want you to become aware ofwhat you do, or the person
you're maybe married to, or whatyour kids do.
I think it's just goodknowledge to have A lot of our
emotional weapons.
They might be conscious, butsome of them are unconscious and
(08:14):
those are the ones that are alot harder right when we're not
even aware we're doing these.
So that's why it's important,okay.
The first one I want to talkabout is guilt tripping.
This involves making yourpartner feel guilty for
expressing their needs orsetting boundaries.
It could include things like ifyou loved me, you would do this
(08:37):
for me, or you're being selfishfor saying no, right?
So do you have someone in yourlife or do you do this and these
are not good things to be doing.
So if you're aware of them,like, okay, I am aware I guilt
trip people.
Now what?
Okay?
The silent treatment, a classictactic where one partner stops
(09:01):
communicating to punish orcontrol the other.
Now, I know I definitely wentsilent often when my spouse was
yelling at me, criticizing me.
So I think it's a littledifferent than that.
Like I just called myself, Ikind of became a turtle.
I went into my shell forprotection.
So some of these you might bedoing to protect yourself, but
(09:25):
just still, they can be harmful,especially if you never come
out of your shell and talk aboutthe issue.
The silence often createsanxiety and uncertainty and
often compels the other personto comply.
So instead of you know sharingor expressing themselves, you
just don't talk.
(09:46):
Okay, and that's unhealthy andit's not going to get you
anywhere.
Emotional outbursts, so thingslike using tears or anger to
divert attention from the issueat hand is a common emotional
weapon.
So I think, of course, peoplecry when they feel emotional or
(10:08):
they get angry, but you need tostill have control over those
things and don't allow yourtears or your anger to detract
from the conversation.
Right, because I think there'sa fine line between, okay, I'm
crying because I feel really sador I'm just trying to make you
feel bad for making me cry.
(10:30):
There's a difference.
The manipulator may say thingslike I can't control my temper
or you know, I can't talk aboutthis, it's just too upsetting.
So, anytime you're sayingthings like that because it's
not true, we all have controlover our emotions and ourselves
and if you don't, that is a goodinformation and you need to
(10:52):
work on it.
It's not your spouse's job toregulate your emotions and how
you feel.
It is your job to do that.
Blaming Okay, this happens a lot.
Right, I experienced this.
I wanted to blame the insurancecompany, blame the other driver
I wanted to blame.
I wanted to blame EOS for notcanceling the membership I
(11:17):
canceled three years ago.
So, blame and shame.
I talk about the shame, blametrap.
This happens a lot.
The manipulator may blame theirpartner for making them upset
and for giving them anxiety.
They don't take responsibilityfor managing their emotions.
So instead of making it, youknow, looking inward.
(11:39):
I always tell you you need tolook inward before you look
outward.
And sometimes we look outwardfirst and that's okay, but look
inward.
Okay, what inside of you washurt by that?
Because when you're justblaming someone, you're not
taking ownership oraccountability for maybe even
the 5% that was your issue oryour fault.
(12:00):
The last one avoiding.
It's common for people to usetheir emotions as a weapon so
they can avoid talking aboutrelationship issues or they can
escape doing things they don'twant to do.
A manipulator may say thingslike you know, I can't do the
dishes, I have to relax afterdinner because I have anxiety.
(12:20):
So just pay attention to howyou're speaking to other people
and how they're speaking to youand I'm not going to say like,
don't say, well, you'remanipulating the situation.
Right, that's unhelpful, butjust become aware of it.
Right, that's unhelpful, butjust become aware of it.
And if you're doing this,realize like, okay, why are you
(12:46):
doing this and it's not ahelpful thing in your
relationship.
There are many ways emotionalweapons may be used in
relationships, and they can beused in all types of
relationships, even with yourkids or people at work.
A mother says to her child ifyou loved me, you'd clean your
room and not make your tiredmother do it for you after
working all day.
Have you heard that before?
(13:08):
Absolutely, you might have saidit before, right, and you might
have said this to your.
So insert whoever you've saidthis to or who has said this to
you.
That is not healthy.
A father stops talking to histeenage daughter for a week
because she lied about beingwith friends when she was really
on a date.
I mean just unhealthy,unhelpful, right.
(13:31):
A mature, healthy father wouldhave a talk with that daughter
and figure out why did she nottell the truth?
Of course she lied.
She didn't want to get introuble, right?
And instead he gave her thesilent treatment for a week.
So just pay attention after youlisten to this podcast, pay
(13:51):
attention to what kind ofemotional weapons that you use
and have been used on you.
A man tells his partner he'sincapable of making phone calls
because he has anxiety.
He makes no attempts to work onhis anxiety and insists she
schedule all appointments and doother things for him that he's
actually capable of doing forhimself.
(14:13):
Think for sure this gets intocodependency, right?
And I can see this with my ownkids.
Oh, they don't like doing this.
Right, with the insurance thing, I'm like they have to talk to
you, son, they can't talk to me.
I didn't have the accident.
You're going to have to callthe insurance company, and I
know, as parents, as a wife, oh,it's easier if I just do it.
(14:38):
But that isn't teaching them tobe capable and understanding
that they can do it too.
A woman cries every time herpartner brings up the budget.
She says it's too stressful totalk about money, yet she
refuses to curb her spendinghabits.
Okay, so if you're using thistactic to get your way and, on
(15:00):
the other side, if you'reallowing your spouse to get away
with this, it's just not goingto be helpful in your
relationship or your marriage.
Someone gets upset every timeher friend declines to spend
time with her.
She raises her voice and callsthe friend selfish for making
her be alone and says it'sevidence the friend doesn't care
about her.
Okay, this is a classic example, right?
(15:22):
How many times do we blame thefriend?
Right?
But really like it has nothingto do with you.
If you really were friends withthat woman or man, you would
understand this has nothing todo with you and has something to
do with them and what's goingon with them.
But we tend to think if someonetells us, no, that is mean or
(15:45):
unkind.
Okay, so just focus on yourself, and how you do this for sure
is getting more self-confidence,and how you do this for sure is
getting more self-confidence.
The more self-confidence youhave.
You're not going to have to beusing these tactics in a
disagreement.
You're not going to label adisagreement as a bad thing or
(16:07):
harmful.
You're going to get better atit.
How doing this is going toaffect your relationships?
Well, you're going to have anerosion of trust.
There's a loss of trust thatoccurs when emotions are
weaponized.
Someone might think how can Itell you what I need if you're
going to insist, I should feelguilty.
Which is so true, right, youdon't get to tell someone how
(16:30):
they should feel.
They get to feel any way theywant.
Feel.
They get to feel any way theywant.
And it's evidence in if youhave kids, multiple kids, you
could say one kid something, thesame thing, and all four of
them feel differently about it.
So just realize it's not yourjob to tell someone how they
(16:53):
feel.
We can't resolve our problemsbecause if I bring up an issue,
my partner is going to startcrying loudly and insist I'm
causing pain.
Healthy communication, conflictresolution and emotional
intimacy become impaired.
The thing is we have to learnas our society we do not get to.
First of all, we can't hurtsomeone else.
(17:14):
They're choosing that forthemselves.
You can't make them feelanything, right, and we know.
Of course our words hurt, right, which is a whole other issue
with emotional abuse.
But we're using it as a weapon,right, and by blaming other
people.
(17:34):
Emotional exhaustion, theconstant need to navigate
emotional minefields, can leavethe manipulated partner feeling
drained and stressed.
They may feel like they'reconstantly walking on eggshells
as they try to keep the otherperson happy.
I just want you to know youcannot make someone happy.
That has to come inside of thatperson, right?
(17:57):
Of course you can do things tomake their life happier.
Right, you can also do thingsto make their life more
miserable.
But if you think that you canmanipulate people's feelings,
you need to do a self-reflection, self-check.
Okay, if you are the personthat feels like they're walking
on eggshells.
(18:17):
That is an unhealthy way tolive, and so maybe you need to
do a self-check and figure out,okay, what's going on for you.
Why are you tolerating thisbehavior from your spouse?
Okay, and that is a great thingto learn Understand your
nervous system.
Understand getting moreconfidence to speak up for
(18:38):
yourself.
Reduced self-esteem Over time.
People on the receiving end ofmanipulation can lead to
self-doubt and reducedconfidence.
The individual might questiontheir own feelings or behaviors
and neglect their own needs inan effort to focus on the other
person's needs.
I see this a lot.
(18:58):
I personally experience thisthat like I'm going to focus on
my spouse, his needs, and justpretend I don't have any right.
It's a very unhealthy way tolive.
The person's needs that youneed to focus on are yours, and
once you focus on yours, thenyou can maybe help other people
(19:20):
focus on theirs.
Okay, if you realize that youare low in confidence and
especially in betrayal.
Betrayal is an emotional weaponof war because it consists of
lying, manipulating, all thesethings that we're talking,
blaming they're going to blameyou for their affair.
Okay, so very unhealthy.
(19:42):
As you recognize these behaviors, let's figure out how we can
address them.
Okay, it's going to be thefirst step to change.
If we're not even aware thesethings are happening, it's like,
okay if we didn't know theywere happening.
Now we know.
Okay, now what we need toidentify patterns, reflect on
(20:02):
interactions and identifyrecurring patterns of behavior
where you ultimately feel guilty, anxious or control.
So this is why I love the model, because you can put any
situation into the model thecircumstance now.
What did you think about thecircumstance?
And then, how did you feel?
What were your actions?
What were your results?
(20:22):
Okay, so a model can help youidentify these different
behaviors and then you get tochoose.
Do I want to think that anymore?
And guess what?
You get to think whatever youwant.
You get to feel whatever youwant.
So we got to feel and think onpurpose.
(20:43):
Okay, especially once you havea regulated nervous system, this
is much easier to do.
Establish boundaries, identifyboundaries that you're going to
set.
Like, hey, I'm going to endthis conversation if you
continue, you know, trying tomake it my fault or make me feel
guilty, or you're going to yellat me.
I'm going to end thisconversation if you continue
trying to make it my fault ormake me feel guilty, or you're
going to yell at me.
I'm going to leave.
(21:03):
You can continue yourconversation with me, but I'm
not going to be here to listento it.
That's what a boundary lookslike.
Be consistent with yourboundary.
Setting ensures that theemotional weapons aren't
effective.
If you set the boundary and youare consistent with it every
time, that happens, eventuallythey're not going to use that
(21:25):
weapon anymore because it didn'twork and it may have been
working for 20 years, and thenyou create the boundary and
they're going to do somethingelse.
Seek support, talk to someoneabout what's going on.
That's why I think everyoneneeds a coach, everyone needs a
therapist, everyone needs afriend.
Find someone that you can shareyour feelings with.
(21:49):
A friend is helpful.
However, they're not neutral,and so I think the best person
to talk to is a more neutralperson, because they don't have,
you know, anything in the game.
Right, like they're going to beneutral to you and your spouse.
They're going to be able to seeit more clearly.
But it can be very helpful andthen practice in some cases,
(22:12):
saying things like I know thisis upsetting, but I'd like to
develop a plan to work on thisissue.
Right, have your back.
Practice ways to.
I always tell my clients likewe've got to change up the dance
you've been doing for the past25 years, because you've been
communicating in a way that issometimes helpful and sometimes
(22:35):
really hurtful, and especiallyif you've been using these
emotional weapons and many of usdidn't even know.
We were unconscious, right, butonce you know better, you do
better, and so when yourecognize these things, it's
like no, we've got to dosomething different, otherwise,
this is really destroying yourself-esteem, your relationship,
(22:57):
your interactions with eachother, with your kids.
Okay, a strong relationship isbuilt on mutual respect,
understanding and genuineemotional connection.
Like you always hear this, likewe want to be more emotionally
connected.
Right, you can't do this.
You cannot be emotionallyconnected when you're using
(23:17):
weapons like the silenttreatment or guilt tripping or
emotional outbursts or blamingor avoiding.
Okay, it just isn't going to bea way to really connect with
someone if you're using these,if you're manipulating, trying
to manipulate your spouse, andeven if you don't recognize,
(23:38):
you're like I've been doing thismy whole life.
I didn't know it was wrong orit wasn't hurtful.
Well, now I'm telling you it ishurtful.
If you have a habit of usingyour emotions as weapons, you
may benefit from learning newskills that help you get your
needs met, okay.
So all these things that you'vebeen doing, you've been trying
(24:00):
to get a need met.
Become aware.
Okay, what are my needs?
How can I get those needs metin a different, better,
healthier way?
I promise you there's options.
So just be really clear aboutwhat your need is.
And a lot of us, we havesuppressed our needs for so long
that we don't even know whatthey are.
(24:22):
But we've got to do someself-exploration and figure
those needs out.
If you've been on the receivingend of emotional manipulation,
setting boundaries might helpand you may benefit, and I think
you will benefit from gettinghelp from an outside source,
with a coach, a therapist, okay.
So I hope this was helpfultoday.
(24:43):
Just give you some food forthought.
It's kind of a heavy topic, butI think we all have used these
weapons in our relationships orhave been on the receiving end
of these weapons, and especiallyin betrayal, especially in
divorce.
But really, I think any topicjust being a parent, right,
(25:03):
we're trying to get a need metand so we say something really
hurtful to our child, so wethink that's the way to get them
to do something.
But that's not the way.
There are so many other, betterways.
Thanks so much for listening.
If you liked this podcast andfound it helpful, please leave a
review and tell your family andfriends and have a beautiful
(25:24):
day.
If you want to learn how tolive happily even after, sign up
for my email at hello atlifecoachjenwith1ncom, follow me
on Instagram and Facebook atHappily Even After Coach.
Let's work together to createyour happily even after.
Welcome to my podcast .
Happily, even After.
I'm life coach, jen, I'mpassionate about helping people
recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed, certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only
(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today we begin to help you livehappily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast.
So before I get into today'stopic, I just am going to do a
little venting.
I'm going to get on my soapboxfor a second and share something
that I've been dealing with forthe past few weeks and to give
(00:55):
a plug to why it's important toknow, understand and regulate
your nervous system, why it'simportant to become aware of
what you're thinking and feeling.
And that's what I do as a coachis help people understand this,
and it has been a life changerfor me.
(01:17):
But the past few weeks, my sonwas in a car accident and it was
very minor.
Son was in a car accident andit was very minor, but it was in
a parking lot and a car hit him.
Well, two and a half weeks goby and Progressive, the
insurance company decides theymessed up and originally they
said it was 80% the other guy'sfault, 20% mine.
(01:40):
I didn't really agree with that, but I was like, okay, let's
get the car fixed.
Well, then they decide, oh wait, the guy doesn't have enough
insurance.
It's actually not our fault,it's 100% your fault.
And so you can imagine I waslivid, so angry.
I then have to call myinsurance.
My insurance is farmers Amazing, they've been really great.
(02:03):
But I still felt this is unfair.
I felt taken advantage of.
I felt betrayed.
I felt my son was very upsetbecause he's like mom, this
wasn't my fault, so he felt allthose same emotions.
Okay, so I've been trying towork through this.
(02:26):
I've even read the law, theUtah law.
I have called my brother, who'sa lawyer, I've called my
parents, I vented to friends, Ivented to my trainer.
So I've been doing a lot ofprocessing about this.
I cried to my insurance agent.
I was so upset, anyway.
(02:47):
So you can tell I've beenexpressing my feelings.
And then a few days later, I wasat the gym and I have been
working on my budget.
I have never been a goodbudgeter.
I haven't really needed to Inmy past life, when I was married
, my husband made a lot of moneyand so I just didn't really
(03:12):
need a budget.
And you know, lots of thingscome out automatic and we belong
to EOS and as I was looking,I'm like, wait a second, there
are a lot of fees that I'mgetting charged every month.
I need to figure out wherethese fees are.
So I go talk to to figure outwhere these fees are.
So I go talk to the guy theother day and you know, I went
through myself and my son, whohave an account, but there were
still like six other fees thatweren't accounted for.
(03:34):
Turns out, my daughter who, in2021, moved to Virginia.
I was still getting charged forher membership, even though
they clearly have me tellingthem she moved.
I brought in all the stuffright in 2021.
Then in 2022, I canceledanother sense thing anyways and
(03:57):
it didn't get canceled.
So, unbeknownst to me, I'vebeen paying for these two
children of mine, who I everymonth for their membership, as
well, as, you know, the yearlyfee that they now charge, which
I didn't know about either.
So I was unfair, felt betrayed,I felt gaslit because they
(04:17):
weren't believing me, they weretelling me it wasn't their
problem, and so a lot ofemotions that I had experienced
in my marriage right were comingup for me from these other
things.
And why I tell you this isbecause, even though did I
handle it perfect?
Absolutely not Like I for sureI felt my nervous system.
(04:39):
I got so triggered, I for surewent into fight mode my trauma
responses is usually fight and Iwas like blaming them, what's
wrong with them?
And then I went back to blamingme and I was just in this
really negative vicious cycleand I don't like feeling
(04:59):
negative, because in general I'musually a pretty positive.
I'm like no, I can do this.
So I just want you to know thatit is normal to feel that way
and it's okay.
But for me, becoming aware andit really helped me bring up I'm
like, oh, I still have a lot oftriggers around being treated
(05:22):
unfairly or being lied to orbeing betrayed.
There's still some feelingsthere that I need to work on,
and so just know that healing isa process.
Sometimes you can learn thingsfrom different experiences.
It's not necessarily arelationship, but other ways and
(05:44):
you can find ways to recognizelike, oh, I still have some work
to do.
And for me, understanding, okay, how do I regulate myself?
How can I get control?
How can I show up as the personthat I want to be in the
situation?
Who can I be here, you know?
Do I need to maybe apologize tothe sweet kid who's probably
(06:05):
like in his 20s, trying to justdo his job, telling me there's
nothing he can do about it,which I'm sure that's true?
You know for sure I was upset,I was mad, anyways.
So I think this is just anexample of why I think it's
important to understand what'sgoing on inside of your body, so
you don't make it mean thatyou've done something wrong.
(06:25):
I didn't do anything wrong.
I was like out of my controlhow my body showed up, but I
could learn.
I knew how to exactly how toregulate what I needed to do,
how I needed to get that stressout, how to process it, how I
could like look at them and seeit more logically and then look
at me and have a lot ofcompassion for myself and, of
course, I felt treated unfairly,right, and that's a pattern of
(06:49):
mine from my past.
So I wanted to share that withyou because it's such helpful
information and it's reallychanged my life and if you are
like I need this.
Reach out.
I'd love to help you.
So now onto our topic.
We're going to talk aboutemotional weapons of war, and I
(07:09):
was listening to a podcast andthey mentioned this and I was
like, oh, that's what I'mtalking about and what I mean by
this.
We all, when we're having afight, an argument, especially
with our spouse, but it could bewith your kids or, like me, it
could be with the insurance guyor the guy at EOS, jim right,
these are things that peopleusually do.
(07:32):
Now, you might not do these,but these are just some examples
of ways when we get defensive,some tactics.
So emotional weapons of warthey're behaviors that
manipulate others using emotionssuch as guilt, anger or blame.
Okay, they can be used tocontrol others, avoid difficult
(07:54):
conversations or distract fromissues.
So if you experience this, ifyou're having an argument, I
just want you to become aware ofwhat you do, or the person
you're maybe married to, or whatyour kids do.
I think it's just goodknowledge to have A lot of our
emotional weapons.
They might be conscious, butsome of them are unconscious and
(08:14):
those are the ones that are alot harder right when we're not
even aware we're doing these.
So that's why it's important,okay.
The first one I want to talkabout is guilt tripping.
This involves making yourpartner feel guilty for
expressing their needs orsetting boundaries.
It could include things like ifyou loved me, you would do this
(08:37):
for me, or you're being selfishfor saying no, right?
So do you have someone in yourlife or do you do this and these
are not good things to be doing.
So if you're aware of them,like, okay, I am aware I guilt
trip people.
Now what?
Okay?
The silent treatment, a classictactic where one partner stops
(09:01):
communicating to punish orcontrol the other.
Now, I know I definitely wentsilent often when my spouse was
yelling at me, criticizing me.
So I think it's a littledifferent than that.
Like I just called myself, Ikind of became a turtle.
I went into my shell forprotection.
So some of these you might bedoing to protect yourself, but
(09:25):
just still, they can be harmful,especially if you never come
out of your shell and talk aboutthe issue.
The silence often createsanxiety and uncertainty and
often compels the other personto comply.
So instead of you know sharingor expressing themselves, you
just don't talk.
(09:46):
Okay, and that's unhealthy andit's not going to get you
anywhere.
Emotional outbursts, so thingslike using tears or anger to
divert attention from the issueat hand is a common emotional
weapon.
So I think, of course, peoplecry when they feel emotional or
(10:08):
they get angry, but you need tostill have control over those
things and don't allow yourtears or your anger to detract
from the conversation.
Right, because I think there'sa fine line between, okay, I'm
crying because I feel really sador I'm just trying to make you
feel bad for making me cry.
(10:30):
There's a difference.
The manipulator may say thingslike I can't control my temper
or you know, I can't talk aboutthis, it's just too upsetting.
So, anytime you're sayingthings like that because it's
not true, we all have controlover our emotions and ourselves
and if you don't, that is a goodinformation and you need to
(10:52):
work on it.
It's not your spouse's job toregulate your emotions and how
you feel.
It is your job to do that.
Blaming Okay, this happens a lot.
Right, I experienced this.
I wanted to blame the insurancecompany, blame the other driver
I wanted to blame.
I wanted to blame EOS for notcanceling the membership I
(11:17):
canceled three years ago.
So, blame and shame.
I talk about the shame, blametrap.
This happens a lot.
The manipulator may blame theirpartner for making them upset
and for giving them anxiety.
They don't take responsibilityfor managing their emotions.
So instead of making it, youknow, looking inward.
(11:39):
I always tell you you need tolook inward before you look
outward.
And sometimes we look outwardfirst and that's okay, but look
inward.
Okay, what inside of you washurt by that?
Because when you're justblaming someone, you're not
taking ownership oraccountability for maybe even
the 5% that was your issue oryour fault.
(12:00):
The last one avoiding.
It's common for people to usetheir emotions as a weapon so
they can avoid talking aboutrelationship issues or they can
escape doing things they don'twant to do.
A manipulator may say thingslike you know, I can't do the
dishes, I have to relax afterdinner because I have anxiety.
(12:20):
So just pay attention to howyou're speaking to other people
and how they're speaking to youand I'm not going to say like,
don't say, well, you'remanipulating the situation.
Right, that's unhelpful, butjust become aware of it.
Right, that's unhelpful, butjust become aware of it.
And if you're doing this,realize like, okay, why are you
(12:46):
doing this and it's not ahelpful thing in your
relationship.
There are many ways emotionalweapons may be used in
relationships, and they can beused in all types of
relationships, even with yourkids or people at work.
A mother says to her child ifyou loved me, you'd clean your
room and not make your tiredmother do it for you after
working all day.
Have you heard that before?
(13:08):
Absolutely, you might have saidit before, right, and you might
have said this to your.
So insert whoever you've saidthis to or who has said this to
you.
That is not healthy.
A father stops talking to histeenage daughter for a week
because she lied about beingwith friends when she was really
on a date.
I mean just unhealthy,unhelpful, right.
(13:31):
A mature, healthy father wouldhave a talk with that daughter
and figure out why did she nottell the truth?
Of course she lied.
She didn't want to get introuble, right?
And instead he gave her thesilent treatment for a week.
So just pay attention after youlisten to this podcast, pay
(13:51):
attention to what kind ofemotional weapons that you use
and have been used on you.
A man tells his partner he'sincapable of making phone calls
because he has anxiety.
He makes no attempts to work onhis anxiety and insists she
schedule all appointments and doother things for him that he's
actually capable of doing forhimself.
(14:13):
Think for sure this gets intocodependency, right?
And I can see this with my ownkids.
Oh, they don't like doing this.
Right, with the insurance thing, I'm like they have to talk to
you, son, they can't talk to me.
I didn't have the accident.
You're going to have to callthe insurance company, and I
know, as parents, as a wife, oh,it's easier if I just do it.
(14:38):
But that isn't teaching them tobe capable and understanding
that they can do it too.
A woman cries every time herpartner brings up the budget.
She says it's too stressful totalk about money, yet she
refuses to curb her spendinghabits.
Okay, so if you're using thistactic to get your way and, on
(15:00):
the other side, if you'reallowing your spouse to get away
with this, it's just not goingto be helpful in your
relationship or your marriage.
Someone gets upset every timeher friend declines to spend
time with her.
She raises her voice and callsthe friend selfish for making
her be alone and says it'sevidence the friend doesn't care
about her.
Okay, this is a classic example, right?
(15:22):
How many times do we blame thefriend?
Right?
But really like it has nothingto do with you.
If you really were friends withthat woman or man, you would
understand this has nothing todo with you and has something to
do with them and what's goingon with them.
But we tend to think if someonetells us, no, that is mean or
(15:45):
unkind.
Okay, so just focus on yourself, and how you do this for sure
is getting more self-confidence,and how you do this for sure is
getting more self-confidence.
The more self-confidence youhave.
You're not going to have to beusing these tactics in a
disagreement.
You're not going to label adisagreement as a bad thing or
(16:07):
harmful.
You're going to get better atit.
How doing this is going toaffect your relationships?
Well, you're going to have anerosion of trust.
There's a loss of trust thatoccurs when emotions are
weaponized.
Someone might think how can Itell you what I need if you're
going to insist, I should feelguilty.
Which is so true, right, youdon't get to tell someone how
(16:30):
they should feel.
They get to feel any way theywant.
Feel.
They get to feel any way theywant.
And it's evidence in if youhave kids, multiple kids, you
could say one kid something, thesame thing, and all four of
them feel differently about it.
So just realize it's not yourjob to tell someone how they
(16:53):
feel.
We can't resolve our problemsbecause if I bring up an issue,
my partner is going to startcrying loudly and insist I'm
causing pain.
Healthy communication, conflictresolution and emotional
intimacy become impaired.
The thing is we have to learnas our society we do not get to.
First of all, we can't hurtsomeone else.
(17:14):
They're choosing that forthemselves.
You can't make them feelanything, right, and we know.
Of course our words hurt, right, which is a whole other issue
with emotional abuse.
But we're using it as a weapon,right, and by blaming other
people.
(17:34):
Emotional exhaustion, theconstant need to navigate
emotional minefields, can leavethe manipulated partner feeling
drained and stressed.
They may feel like they'reconstantly walking on eggshells
as they try to keep the otherperson happy.
I just want you to know youcannot make someone happy.
That has to come inside of thatperson, right?
(17:57):
Of course you can do things tomake their life happier.
Right, you can also do thingsto make their life more
miserable.
But if you think that you canmanipulate people's feelings,
you need to do a self-reflection, self-check.
Okay, if you are the personthat feels like they're walking
on eggshells.
(18:17):
That is an unhealthy way tolive, and so maybe you need to
do a self-check and figure out,okay, what's going on for you.
Why are you tolerating thisbehavior from your spouse?
Okay, and that is a great thingto learn Understand your
nervous system.
Understand getting moreconfidence to speak up for
(18:38):
yourself.
Reduced self-esteem Over time.
People on the receiving end ofmanipulation can lead to
self-doubt and reducedconfidence.
The individual might questiontheir own feelings or behaviors
and neglect their own needs inan effort to focus on the other
person's needs.
I see this a lot.
(18:58):
I personally experience thisthat like I'm going to focus on
my spouse, his needs, and justpretend I don't have any right.
It's a very unhealthy way tolive.
The person's needs that youneed to focus on are yours, and
once you focus on yours, thenyou can maybe help other people
(19:20):
focus on theirs.
Okay, if you realize that youare low in confidence and
especially in betrayal.
Betrayal is an emotional weaponof war because it consists of
lying, manipulating, all thesethings that we're talking,
blaming they're going to blameyou for their affair.
Okay, so very unhealthy.
(19:42):
As you recognize these behaviors, let's figure out how we can
address them.
Okay, it's going to be thefirst step to change.
If we're not even aware thesethings are happening, it's like,
okay if we didn't know theywere happening.
Now we know.
Okay, now what we need toidentify patterns, reflect on
(20:02):
interactions and identifyrecurring patterns of behavior
where you ultimately feel guilty, anxious or control.
So this is why I love the model, because you can put any
situation into the model thecircumstance now.
What did you think about thecircumstance?
And then, how did you feel?
What were your actions?
What were your results?
(20:22):
Okay, so a model can help youidentify these different
behaviors and then you get tochoose.
Do I want to think that anymore?
And guess what?
You get to think whatever youwant.
You get to feel whatever youwant.
So we got to feel and think onpurpose.
(20:43):
Okay, especially once you havea regulated nervous system, this
is much easier to do.
Establish boundaries, identifyboundaries that you're going to
set.
Like, hey, I'm going to endthis conversation if you
continue, you know, trying tomake it my fault or make me feel
guilty, or you're going to yellat me.
I'm going to end thisconversation if you continue
trying to make it my fault ormake me feel guilty, or you're
going to yell at me.
I'm going to leave.
(21:03):
You can continue yourconversation with me, but I'm
not going to be here to listento it.
That's what a boundary lookslike.
Be consistent with yourboundary.
Setting ensures that theemotional weapons aren't
effective.
If you set the boundary and youare consistent with it every
time, that happens, eventuallythey're not going to use that
(21:25):
weapon anymore because it didn'twork and it may have been
working for 20 years, and thenyou create the boundary and
they're going to do somethingelse.
Seek support, talk to someoneabout what's going on.
That's why I think everyoneneeds a coach, everyone needs a
therapist, everyone needs afriend.
Find someone that you can shareyour feelings with.
(21:49):
A friend is helpful.
However, they're not neutral,and so I think the best person
to talk to is a more neutralperson, because they don't have,
you know, anything in the game.
Right, like they're going to beneutral to you and your spouse.
They're going to be able to seeit more clearly.
But it can be very helpful andthen practice in some cases,
(22:12):
saying things like I know thisis upsetting, but I'd like to
develop a plan to work on thisissue.
Right, have your back.
Practice ways to.
I always tell my clients likewe've got to change up the dance
you've been doing for the past25 years, because you've been
communicating in a way that issometimes helpful and sometimes
(22:35):
really hurtful, and especiallyif you've been using these
emotional weapons and many of usdidn't even know.
We were unconscious, right, butonce you know better, you do
better, and so when yourecognize these things, it's
like no, we've got to dosomething different, otherwise,
this is really destroying yourself-esteem, your relationship,
(22:57):
your interactions with eachother, with your kids.
Okay, a strong relationship isbuilt on mutual respect,
understanding and genuineemotional connection.
Like you always hear this, likewe want to be more emotionally
connected.
Right, you can't do this.
You cannot be emotionallyconnected when you're using
(23:17):
weapons like the silenttreatment or guilt tripping or
emotional outbursts or blamingor avoiding.
Okay, it just isn't going to bea way to really connect with
someone if you're using these,if you're manipulating, trying
to manipulate your spouse, andeven if you don't recognize,
(23:38):
you're like I've been doing thismy whole life.
I didn't know it was wrong orit wasn't hurtful.
Well, now I'm telling you it ishurtful.
If you have a habit of usingyour emotions as weapons, you
may benefit from learning newskills that help you get your
needs met, okay.
So all these things that you'vebeen doing, you've been trying
(24:00):
to get a need met.
Become aware.
Okay, what are my needs?
How can I get those needs metin a different, better,
healthier way?
I promise you there's options.
So just be really clear aboutwhat your need is.
And a lot of us, we havesuppressed our needs for so long
that we don't even know whatthey are.
(24:22):
But we've got to do someself-exploration and figure
those needs out.
If you've been on the receivingend of emotional manipulation,
setting boundaries might helpand you may benefit, and I think
you will benefit from gettinghelp from an outside source,
with a coach, a therapist, okay.
So I hope this was helpfultoday.
(24:43):
Just give you some food forthought.
It's kind of a heavy topic, butI think we all have used these
weapons in our relationships orhave been on the receiving end
of these weapons, and especiallyin betrayal, especially in
divorce.
But really, I think any topicjust being a parent, right,
(25:03):
we're trying to get a need metand so we say something really
hurtful to our child, so wethink that's the way to get them
to do something.
But that's not the way.
There are so many other, betterways.
Thanks so much for listening.
If you liked this podcast andfound it helpful, please leave a
review and tell your family andfriends and have a beautiful
(25:24):
day.
If you want to learn how tolive happily even after, sign up
for my email at hello atlifecoachjenwith1ncom, follow me
on Instagram and Facebook atHappily Even After Coach.
Let's work together to createyour happily even after.
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