January 27, 2025 • 22 mins
What if the path to happiness after betrayal isn't as straightforward as we think? In this episode of "Happily, Even After," I, Jen, a trauma-informed certified life coach, explore the often messy and complex journey of recovering from an affair. Drawing from my own experiences and the stories of my clients, we tackle the difficult emotions that surface when infidelity is discovered. We'll challenge the assumption that an affair ends once it's unveiled and unpack the addictive nature of secret relationships fueled by intense dopamine hits. Setting firm boundaries becomes a critical tool for those who have been betrayed, while grappling with guilt and shame is a reality for the unfaithful. Through shared insights, I aim to offer clarity and support as you navigate these emotional challenges.
As we journey further, you'll learn why making a definitive choice between mending a marriage or seeking divorce is crucial, and how living a double life leads to destruction. We'll emphasize the importance of personal accountability and self-awareness for both parties involved, while also addressing the triggers and potential relapses that can jeopardize the rebuilding of trust. For those ready to embark on a path towards healing, whether through saving the marriage or choosing to part ways, practical steps and strategies will be shared. I invite you to connect with me for further guidance on crafting a fulfilling life beyond infidelity, proving that happiness after betrayal is indeed possible.
Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.
Email me: hello@lifecoachjen.com for any comments or questions.
Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.
My website is www.lifecoachjen.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Welcome to my podcast .
Happily, even After.
I'm life coach, jen, I'mpassionate about helping people
recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only
(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today we begin to help you livehappily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast.
So I myself have experiencedthis and I've had several
clients as well.
They've discovered theirpartner's having an affair and I
(00:52):
think, from the persondiscovering this and you know,
our partner's telling us I loveyou, I want to work this out, it
was a mistake, I want to staymarried, let's, you know, let's
go to therapy, let's get help.
Whatever that happens.
A lot right.
Some of you have heard thisbefore.
But what we think like, oh,they've told us or we've
(01:17):
discovered the affair, surelythe affair is going to stop
immediately.
Well, unfortunately, that isnot the case oftentimes.
I'm sure sometimes that happens, but in my experience that is
not what happens.
So I just wanted to, if you'relistening to this and you've had
(01:38):
an affair, listen to it, or ifyou are the person that has been
cheated on, to understand this.
I think it's really importantbecause in our mind, we think
it's just going to set us upwith the right expectations, the
right things to be looking for,the right maybe things to talk
about, to even be aware of andit could be legitimately your
(02:02):
spouse who has just told youthat they were having an affair,
or you brought it to theirattention and you found out
about it.
They could be like oh yeah, I'mdone, I don't like this person,
like it was a mistake, whatever.
They're thinking like, oh yeah,they're out of my life too.
It's just not that easy, and soI'm going to give you some
(02:27):
things to look for some reasonswhy.
Okay, for many people itbecomes an addiction.
Now I think addiction is like aheavy word, but really there's
four C's to an addiction Craving, and I think this is real.
There is a huge dopamine hitthat someone gets from having an
(02:49):
affair.
If you can imagine, like whenyou were dating and like the
newlywed phase of your marriage,the honeymoon phase.
It's this like you can't waitfor them to text you and call
you and however you werecommunicating.
So there's this craving and youget instant dopamine every time
(03:11):
.
Those things happen, right.
And then when you've beenmarried for 25 years and your
husband texts you, sometimespeople get irritated.
Or their spouse, right, it'slike not this exciting thing,
like ooh, they texted me.
Right.
It's like what do they want now?
So there's this evolution in amarriage, which is normal, but
in an affair, and it's becauseit's secret, it's even an added
(03:36):
hit of dopamine because it'slike this secret thing that
couples are doing Compulsion.
So this urge For me I love sugaror Diet Dr Pepper are my
weaknesses and it's like thisurge I can feel when I haven't
had a Diet Dr Pepper, I havethis urge to drink one, right,
(03:59):
and so that's the same thingthat kind of happens in an
affair.
That's the same thing that kindof happens in an affair.
Control, or rather loss ofcontrol.
So here your truth, what you'vebeen doing, has just come out,
and so there's a lot of loss ofcontrol, and so this makes the
(04:19):
addiction or the urge evenstronger, right, because they
want to get back in control.
And it's interestingconsequences, right, you would
think the consequences would beso harsh that you know, maybe
threat of divorce or losing halfyour income, or you know your
(04:39):
kids or whatever your reputation, whatever consequence the loss
of trust, right.
But somehow that isn't quiteenough sometimes of an addiction
for their craving and theirurge and their compulsion and
all that.
And so just, it's a real thing,it becomes an addiction, right,
(05:01):
and especially when it'semotional I mean, just think the
power of sex and our emotionsand combining those two it's
like a bomb.
And so it's really not as easyto stop as people think it could
or should be.
And one thing, if you are theperson that got betrayed, is to
(05:22):
immediately create boundaries,because I know for myself, I
mean I had no boundaries.
I'm like, oh yeah, come back inbed with me, come back and
sleep with me.
Like I never, like didn't say,like you have to go sleep in
another bed on the couch,nothing which you know I wish I
(05:45):
would have.
I didn't even know whatboundaries were.
And so once I learnedboundaries though that's what
ended my marriage, thankgoodness Like, why didn't I know
this before, but I didn't?
So learning boundaries If youdon't know boundaries, I can
totally help you out.
But creating some boundaries,because that's going to help you
with deciding what you want todo in this muddled mess, right?
(06:09):
Number two feeling guilt.
Okay, the person that bizarrelyI mean this feels really messed
up, but it all is.
They feel guilt because theygot caught or you discovered the
affair, however that happened,but then they feel guilty for
their affair partner, right,because they were lying to them,
(06:30):
they were telling them theylove them or whatever.
So it's hard because it's likethey feel an obligation to this
other person, as well as theirfamily, which makes really hard
to understand.
But that's just what's going on.
I'm just trying to get you tosee what's going on in this
person's brain.
And so they probably madepromises to them or who knows
(06:53):
what they were doing, right?
So, because the guilt and I'mgoing to really say shame is
happening, right, they'refeeling shame and guilt that
they got caught, and then shameand guilt for whatever they
promised this other person whenthey've become emotionally
(07:13):
attached to this person.
So I think that's a lot harderwhen emotions are connected with
the sex, the secrecy, all thethings.
And this is another reason whyit's even harder.
Okay, because they've confidedin this person.
They maybe have told this otherperson things they never have
(07:36):
told you, which is reallyhurtful, but for whatever reason
they did, and so this isanother reason why it's hard to
end the affair.
They've justified it tothemselves.
This happened a lot for me.
I think my spouse thought hewas a better husband because he
was having an affair, whichmakes no sense to me whatsoever
(07:59):
and is a lie.
But when justification happens,we convince ourselves of all
sorts of things and we justifyit's not wrong, or it was just
one time, or it was just while Iwas at work, or it was just
while I was on a trip for workor whatever.
(08:19):
Whatever it was, or it wasn'ttaking time away from the family
.
I was totally present when Iwas at home, so it doesn't count
.
So justification is a hugeissue and a reason why it would
be hard for someone to end anaffair.
They met a need they weren'tgetting in their marriage.
Now, this is not a reason tohave an affair.
(08:41):
It is your job, it is each ofour jobs, to get our needs met
in healthy, productive ways, notin ways that destroy families
and destroy yourself and destroyother people.
But that's what an affair is.
And so they think that the onlyway to get that need met is
(09:02):
through this other person.
Right, that's a lie, our braintells us, but it's the lie
they're listening to.
And so, in healing from anaffair for them especially,
they've got to figure out whatthat need was and get really
honest with themselves.
Okay, and how could they getthat need met without this other
(09:23):
person, which is totallypossible?
They've just convincedthemselves that's how they were
getting it met, and so thatwould be a reason why that
someone would have a hard timeending an affair, why that
someone would have a hard timeending an affair.
So if you are the person thathad the affair, you just really
need to identify that need andfigure out why.
(09:43):
What was going on for you?
Were you insecure?
Were you needing outsidevalidation?
Were you feeling lonely?
Were you it was just anopportunity that you just
decided to take?
Like, what was it?
And until you get really clearon your why, it is going to be
(10:04):
really hard to end your affairand you need to take full
accountability for it.
Not blaming anyone else andI've talked about this many
times but just reminding you youas well as the person that you
betrayed.
This is just information youneed to pay attention to.
You need to start focusing onyour marriage.
(10:27):
You need to go all in if youwant to stay married now.
If you want to get divorced,great, do that.
But don't tell someone oh, Iwant to get divorced, great, do
that.
But don't tell someone oh, Iwant to stay married and then,
on the side, work on gettingdivorced Like that's not going
all in.
You need to go all in on stayingmarried or all in on getting
(10:47):
divorced, like living two livesis very hurtful, very harmful,
very destructive for your familyand for this other person,
right, and so if you think thatyou can do that, you're lying to
(11:07):
yourself.
The hurt and the pain is goingto be that much worse.
So, get very clear on what youwant to do.
And even if you're like so getvery clear on what you want to
do.
And even if you're like I wantto go all in on my marriage and
then in six months you realizethat's not what you want, that's
okay, at least you.
You went all in on one thing,right, don't do both.
Don't be like well, I'm gonnago all in, but I'm gonna keep
(11:32):
this person on the side, just incase that's not all in.
That's just biding your time orwhatever.
Right, you've got to setboundaries in your marriage, and
setting boundaries looks likeif you're the betrayed person.
If you contact this personagain and I discover it, or
(12:02):
whatever however you want it,then I'm going to go sleep in
the guest room, or I'm going tofile for divorce, or I'm going
to I don't know take a break fora week or go somewhere.
You know you get to decide.
Whatever that looks like foryou.
There's not a right or wrongthing to do.
But it's not telling yourspouse what they're going to do.
It's telling them.
(12:22):
If you need to tell them whatyou're going to do, okay,
because we can't change ourspouse, even though we really
want to, especially if they'rehaving an affair.
But creating boundariescreating boundaries like in our
marriage.
We do not go to dinner withsomeone from the opposite sex or
we don't text someone from theopposite sex unless both of us
(12:45):
are on the text thread orwhatever.
There's lots of ways to protectyour marriage and maybe you
hadn't thought about that beforebecause you didn't know it was
going to be a problem, but nowit's a problem.
So now, what are you going todo?
Okay, you have to choose.
If you're the person having theaffair, you have to choose it on
your own to end it, not becauseyou feel forced to.
(13:06):
I know for me.
I'm pretty sure my spouse endedhis affairs only because he got
caught and he didn't even endthem immediately.
They were probably months laterbefore they ended, and back in
the day I didn't know this right.
But I've now discovered andrealized or yeah, he ended it
(13:29):
because he got caught and maybehe never did really end it.
I don't really know, but Idon't think it was ever his
choice to end it and that's onme and my lack of knowledge and
my lack of understanding reallywhat the affair entailed.
And so that's why one reasonwhy I really want to help other
(13:51):
people because I want you toknow what you're dealing with.
This isn't something that isjust easy to stop going to a
grocery store or stop buyingsomething.
It's emotions and sex and thisaddiction that they've created
that has now been brought intoyour life, and it can be a
(14:13):
nightmare, or you can figure itout and you can deal with it.
I think knowledge is power.
So understanding maybe whatthey're dealing with and what
they're going through can helpyou in what you're dealing with
and going through.
Maybe it can help you have alittle bit of compassion.
I don't know if compassion isthe emotion you want to feel,
(14:35):
but it can really help you inyour healing journey, and so
that's why I'm sharing it.
The thing is, the person havingthe affair has to avoid relapse,
right, and you can only avoidrelapse when you stop, maybe,
how you communicated with them.
One of the past experiences wasMarco Polo.
(14:58):
My husband would communicatewith his affair partner via
Marco Polo and so, like we gotto get rid of that app and for
years I had triggers about MarcoPolo.
I would hear the word and itwould just really bother me, but
now it doesn't.
But, or, if you'recommunicating, I mean you know
(15:21):
you can communicate.
People through Spotify isanother way, like sending each
other songs, right?
I mean it's amazing the greatlengths that people will do to
go and have an affair andcommunicate, but obviously text
messaging emails.
If they've created a secretemail, make sure that they get
(15:41):
rid of that.
Now you have to just trust thatthey are, but hopefully, if
they're wanting to stay married,they'll understand like this is
important.
Maybe they went to a coffeeshop or a restaurant all the
time together.
You just don't go to thatrestaurant, don't go to the
coffee shop.
Create a new routine, a new wayof doing things I think is going
(16:04):
to be important.
If you met them at the gym, youneed to change gyms.
You might need to change yourjob, which I think a lot of
affairs happen in the workplaceand that's a huge financial risk
, right?
Like why people do that.
I don't know, but they do, andso you might need to change jobs
(16:27):
or go to a different office.
But I think it's important torecognize how are you going to
not relapse?
What parameters, what protocolare you going to have in place
so you don't relapse?
And it's not your spouse's jobto monitor you and micromanage
you.
You're an adult and you've gotto figure this out.
(16:47):
But on the person that'sbetrayed, it's going to be hard
because you're going to want tomicromanage, right, but just,
you've got to focus on yourselfand healing yourself.
I think it is important if youdecide to end the affair, if you
want to call that person, ifyou're like, I need to just call
them.
Have your spouse on the otherline if they want, right.
(17:11):
I would have found this veryhelpful so I could hear them say
it, because it's one thing tojust say, oh yeah, I ended the
affair and then you're like, didyou?
And then you know you keep onseeing things and discovering
it's happening.
So if you really did want toend it and you had your spouse
hear that, that would be helpful.
But really if you can go nocontact, that's hard because
(17:36):
you're stopping an addiction,you're stopping something that
you've been doing.
But do you want it?
What do you want more?
Do you want your marriage?
Do you want your family?
Do you want to repair thatmarriage more than you wanted?
That extra dopamine hit?
How can you find that in otheravenues and other places in your
life?
That's why having an affair isnever a good idea.
(17:59):
It is going to cause you waymore problems than it ever gives
you right.
But some people have to learnthe hard way and some people
have to have a lot of bad thingshappen to them before they're
willing to give that up or endit.
(18:21):
And if you've experienced this,first off, I'm so sorry, and
secondly, you can get through itif you are both working
together to get through it.
I just want you to really beaware of what's possibly going
on for your spouse and,depending on what type of affair
(18:42):
, how long it was going on andif they've come back to you to
know it may not be over.
And I've experienced thisseveral times where it's like,
oh, I thought the affair wasover.
Oh no, they're back in our lifeagain and that's a miserable
(19:05):
place to be.
But that was my reality.
Remember, we got to deal withreality.
Now what?
And boundaries are your friendhere.
I didn't understand boundariesat this time in my life and so
I'm not going to judge myself.
I'm not going to judge you ifyou don't understand boundaries.
But learning boundaries isgoing to be your best friend in
(19:28):
these situations, because it'sgoing to allow you to have
respect for yourself, so you'renot betraying yourself and lying
to yourself and you'reprotecting yourself by having
the boundary and you're sendinga message to your spouse that's
having the affair that this iswhat you're choosing.
(19:49):
If you do this, if they're anadult, if they are really
wanting to save their marriageand to work on their marriage,
then hopefully this will helpthem and and if not, it's
sending you a message that maybethis isn't what you want or
need right now and it is okay toget divorced and this will be
(20:13):
the best thing for you.
So I hope this is helpful.
I just think.
So often we think, oh, theaffair's been discovered, it's
now out in the open, it's goingto be over.
That is rarely the case, I'msad to say.
It isn't that easily over justbecause the person got caught or
(20:35):
the affair was discovered orthey came clean.
Now I think if your spouse cameto you and admitted to you
about their affair, a lot betterchance of healing because they
have somehow realized they needto be honest okay, as opposed to
(20:55):
you discovering it.
I don't know, I don't haveevidence of that, really,
because I've never experiencedthat, but that's just what I
believe.
If the person having the affaircomes and tells you, that's a
lot better sign than youdiscovering the affair.
In my opinion.
If you are stuck in this messof your spouse is having an
(21:18):
affair, you think it's over andyou discover it's not over,
you're not alone and I cantotally help you.
I would love to be your coach.
Thanks so much for listening.
Have a beautiful day and I willtalk to you next week.
If you want to learn how tolive happily even after sign up
(21:41):
for my email at hello atlifecoachjen with one n dot com,
follow me on Instagram andFacebook at happily even after
sign up for my email at hello atlife coach Jen with one ncom.
Follow me on Instagram andFacebook at happily even after
coach let's work together tocreate your happily even after.
Welcome to my podcast .
Happily, even After.
I'm life coach, jen, I'mpassionate about helping people
recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only
(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today we begin to help you livehappily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast.
So I myself have experiencedthis and I've had several
clients as well.
They've discovered theirpartner's having an affair and I
(00:52):
think, from the persondiscovering this and you know,
our partner's telling us I loveyou, I want to work this out, it
was a mistake, I want to staymarried, let's, you know, let's
go to therapy, let's get help.
Whatever that happens.
A lot right.
Some of you have heard thisbefore.
But what we think like, oh,they've told us or we've
(01:17):
discovered the affair, surelythe affair is going to stop
immediately.
Well, unfortunately, that isnot the case oftentimes.
I'm sure sometimes that happens, but in my experience that is
not what happens.
So I just wanted to, if you'relistening to this and you've had
(01:38):
an affair, listen to it, or ifyou are the person that has been
cheated on, to understand this.
I think it's really importantbecause in our mind, we think
it's just going to set us upwith the right expectations, the
right things to be looking for,the right maybe things to talk
about, to even be aware of andit could be legitimately your
(02:02):
spouse who has just told youthat they were having an affair,
or you brought it to theirattention and you found out
about it.
They could be like oh yeah, I'mdone, I don't like this person,
like it was a mistake, whatever.
They're thinking like, oh yeah,they're out of my life too.
It's just not that easy, and soI'm going to give you some
(02:27):
things to look for some reasonswhy.
Okay, for many people itbecomes an addiction.
Now I think addiction is like aheavy word, but really there's
four C's to an addiction Craving, and I think this is real.
There is a huge dopamine hitthat someone gets from having an
(02:49):
affair.
If you can imagine, like whenyou were dating and like the
newlywed phase of your marriage,the honeymoon phase.
It's this like you can't waitfor them to text you and call
you and however you werecommunicating.
So there's this craving and youget instant dopamine every time
(03:11):
.
Those things happen, right.
And then when you've beenmarried for 25 years and your
husband texts you, sometimespeople get irritated.
Or their spouse, right, it'slike not this exciting thing,
like ooh, they texted me.
Right.
It's like what do they want now?
So there's this evolution in amarriage, which is normal, but
in an affair, and it's becauseit's secret, it's even an added
(03:36):
hit of dopamine because it'slike this secret thing that
couples are doing Compulsion.
So this urge For me I love sugaror Diet Dr Pepper are my
weaknesses and it's like thisurge I can feel when I haven't
had a Diet Dr Pepper, I havethis urge to drink one, right,
(03:59):
and so that's the same thingthat kind of happens in an
affair.
That's the same thing that kindof happens in an affair.
Control, or rather loss ofcontrol.
So here your truth, what you'vebeen doing, has just come out,
and so there's a lot of loss ofcontrol, and so this makes the
(04:19):
addiction or the urge evenstronger, right, because they
want to get back in control.
And it's interestingconsequences, right, you would
think the consequences would beso harsh that you know, maybe
threat of divorce or losing halfyour income, or you know your
(04:39):
kids or whatever your reputation, whatever consequence the loss
of trust, right.
But somehow that isn't quiteenough sometimes of an addiction
for their craving and theirurge and their compulsion and
all that.
And so just, it's a real thing,it becomes an addiction, right,
(05:01):
and especially when it'semotional I mean, just think the
power of sex and our emotionsand combining those two it's
like a bomb.
And so it's really not as easyto stop as people think it could
or should be.
And one thing, if you are theperson that got betrayed, is to
(05:22):
immediately create boundaries,because I know for myself, I
mean I had no boundaries.
I'm like, oh yeah, come back inbed with me, come back and
sleep with me.
Like I never, like didn't say,like you have to go sleep in
another bed on the couch,nothing which you know I wish I
(05:45):
would have.
I didn't even know whatboundaries were.
And so once I learnedboundaries though that's what
ended my marriage, thankgoodness Like, why didn't I know
this before, but I didn't?
So learning boundaries If youdon't know boundaries, I can
totally help you out.
But creating some boundaries,because that's going to help you
with deciding what you want todo in this muddled mess, right?
(06:09):
Number two feeling guilt.
Okay, the person that bizarrelyI mean this feels really messed
up, but it all is.
They feel guilt because theygot caught or you discovered the
affair, however that happened,but then they feel guilty for
their affair partner, right,because they were lying to them,
(06:30):
they were telling them theylove them or whatever.
So it's hard because it's likethey feel an obligation to this
other person, as well as theirfamily, which makes really hard
to understand.
But that's just what's going on.
I'm just trying to get you tosee what's going on in this
person's brain.
And so they probably madepromises to them or who knows
(06:53):
what they were doing, right?
So, because the guilt and I'mgoing to really say shame is
happening, right, they'refeeling shame and guilt that
they got caught, and then shameand guilt for whatever they
promised this other person whenthey've become emotionally
(07:13):
attached to this person.
So I think that's a lot harderwhen emotions are connected with
the sex, the secrecy, all thethings.
And this is another reason whyit's even harder.
Okay, because they've confidedin this person.
They maybe have told this otherperson things they never have
(07:36):
told you, which is reallyhurtful, but for whatever reason
they did, and so this isanother reason why it's hard to
end the affair.
They've justified it tothemselves.
This happened a lot for me.
I think my spouse thought hewas a better husband because he
was having an affair, whichmakes no sense to me whatsoever
(07:59):
and is a lie.
But when justification happens,we convince ourselves of all
sorts of things and we justifyit's not wrong, or it was just
one time, or it was just while Iwas at work, or it was just
while I was on a trip for workor whatever.
(08:19):
Whatever it was, or it wasn'ttaking time away from the family
.
I was totally present when Iwas at home, so it doesn't count
.
So justification is a hugeissue and a reason why it would
be hard for someone to end anaffair.
They met a need they weren'tgetting in their marriage.
Now, this is not a reason tohave an affair.
(08:41):
It is your job, it is each ofour jobs, to get our needs met
in healthy, productive ways, notin ways that destroy families
and destroy yourself and destroyother people.
But that's what an affair is.
And so they think that the onlyway to get that need met is
(09:02):
through this other person.
Right, that's a lie, our braintells us, but it's the lie
they're listening to.
And so, in healing from anaffair for them especially,
they've got to figure out whatthat need was and get really
honest with themselves.
Okay, and how could they getthat need met without this other
(09:23):
person, which is totallypossible?
They've just convincedthemselves that's how they were
getting it met, and so thatwould be a reason why that
someone would have a hard timeending an affair, why that
someone would have a hard timeending an affair.
So if you are the person thathad the affair, you just really
need to identify that need andfigure out why.
(09:43):
What was going on for you?
Were you insecure?
Were you needing outsidevalidation?
Were you feeling lonely?
Were you it was just anopportunity that you just
decided to take?
Like, what was it?
And until you get really clearon your why, it is going to be
(10:04):
really hard to end your affairand you need to take full
accountability for it.
Not blaming anyone else andI've talked about this many
times but just reminding you youas well as the person that you
betrayed.
This is just information youneed to pay attention to.
You need to start focusing onyour marriage.
(10:27):
You need to go all in if youwant to stay married now.
If you want to get divorced,great, do that.
But don't tell someone oh, Iwant to get divorced, great, do
that.
But don't tell someone oh, Iwant to stay married and then,
on the side, work on gettingdivorced Like that's not going
all in.
You need to go all in on stayingmarried or all in on getting
(10:47):
divorced, like living two livesis very hurtful, very harmful,
very destructive for your familyand for this other person,
right, and so if you think thatyou can do that, you're lying to
(11:07):
yourself.
The hurt and the pain is goingto be that much worse.
So, get very clear on what youwant to do.
And even if you're like so getvery clear on what you want to
do.
And even if you're like I wantto go all in on my marriage and
then in six months you realizethat's not what you want, that's
okay, at least you.
You went all in on one thing,right, don't do both.
Don't be like well, I'm gonnago all in, but I'm gonna keep
(11:32):
this person on the side, just incase that's not all in.
That's just biding your time orwhatever.
Right, you've got to setboundaries in your marriage, and
setting boundaries looks likeif you're the betrayed person.
If you contact this personagain and I discover it, or
(12:02):
whatever however you want it,then I'm going to go sleep in
the guest room, or I'm going tofile for divorce, or I'm going
to I don't know take a break fora week or go somewhere.
You know you get to decide.
Whatever that looks like foryou.
There's not a right or wrongthing to do.
But it's not telling yourspouse what they're going to do.
It's telling them.
(12:22):
If you need to tell them whatyou're going to do, okay,
because we can't change ourspouse, even though we really
want to, especially if they'rehaving an affair.
But creating boundariescreating boundaries like in our
marriage.
We do not go to dinner withsomeone from the opposite sex or
we don't text someone from theopposite sex unless both of us
(12:45):
are on the text thread orwhatever.
There's lots of ways to protectyour marriage and maybe you
hadn't thought about that beforebecause you didn't know it was
going to be a problem, but nowit's a problem.
So now, what are you going todo?
Okay, you have to choose.
If you're the person having theaffair, you have to choose it on
your own to end it, not becauseyou feel forced to.
(13:06):
I know for me.
I'm pretty sure my spouse endedhis affairs only because he got
caught and he didn't even endthem immediately.
They were probably months laterbefore they ended, and back in
the day I didn't know this right.
But I've now discovered andrealized or yeah, he ended it
(13:29):
because he got caught and maybehe never did really end it.
I don't really know, but Idon't think it was ever his
choice to end it and that's onme and my lack of knowledge and
my lack of understanding reallywhat the affair entailed.
And so that's why one reasonwhy I really want to help other
(13:51):
people because I want you toknow what you're dealing with.
This isn't something that isjust easy to stop going to a
grocery store or stop buyingsomething.
It's emotions and sex and thisaddiction that they've created
that has now been brought intoyour life, and it can be a
(14:13):
nightmare, or you can figure itout and you can deal with it.
I think knowledge is power.
So understanding maybe whatthey're dealing with and what
they're going through can helpyou in what you're dealing with
and going through.
Maybe it can help you have alittle bit of compassion.
I don't know if compassion isthe emotion you want to feel,
(14:35):
but it can really help you inyour healing journey, and so
that's why I'm sharing it.
The thing is, the person havingthe affair has to avoid relapse,
right, and you can only avoidrelapse when you stop, maybe,
how you communicated with them.
One of the past experiences wasMarco Polo.
(14:58):
My husband would communicatewith his affair partner via
Marco Polo and so, like we gotto get rid of that app and for
years I had triggers about MarcoPolo.
I would hear the word and itwould just really bother me, but
now it doesn't.
But, or, if you'recommunicating, I mean you know
(15:21):
you can communicate.
People through Spotify isanother way, like sending each
other songs, right?
I mean it's amazing the greatlengths that people will do to
go and have an affair andcommunicate, but obviously text
messaging emails.
If they've created a secretemail, make sure that they get
(15:41):
rid of that.
Now you have to just trust thatthey are, but hopefully, if
they're wanting to stay married,they'll understand like this is
important.
Maybe they went to a coffeeshop or a restaurant all the
time together.
You just don't go to thatrestaurant, don't go to the
coffee shop.
Create a new routine, a new wayof doing things I think is going
(16:04):
to be important.
If you met them at the gym, youneed to change gyms.
You might need to change yourjob, which I think a lot of
affairs happen in the workplaceand that's a huge financial risk
, right?
Like why people do that.
I don't know, but they do, andso you might need to change jobs
(16:27):
or go to a different office.
But I think it's important torecognize how are you going to
not relapse?
What parameters, what protocolare you going to have in place
so you don't relapse?
And it's not your spouse's jobto monitor you and micromanage
you.
You're an adult and you've gotto figure this out.
(16:47):
But on the person that'sbetrayed, it's going to be hard
because you're going to want tomicromanage, right, but just,
you've got to focus on yourselfand healing yourself.
I think it is important if youdecide to end the affair, if you
want to call that person, ifyou're like, I need to just call
them.
Have your spouse on the otherline if they want, right.
(17:11):
I would have found this veryhelpful so I could hear them say
it, because it's one thing tojust say, oh yeah, I ended the
affair and then you're like, didyou?
And then you know you keep onseeing things and discovering
it's happening.
So if you really did want toend it and you had your spouse
hear that, that would be helpful.
But really if you can go nocontact, that's hard because
(17:36):
you're stopping an addiction,you're stopping something that
you've been doing.
But do you want it?
What do you want more?
Do you want your marriage?
Do you want your family?
Do you want to repair thatmarriage more than you wanted?
That extra dopamine hit?
How can you find that in otheravenues and other places in your
life?
That's why having an affair isnever a good idea.
(17:59):
It is going to cause you waymore problems than it ever gives
you right.
But some people have to learnthe hard way and some people
have to have a lot of bad thingshappen to them before they're
willing to give that up or endit.
(18:21):
And if you've experienced this,first off, I'm so sorry, and
secondly, you can get through itif you are both working
together to get through it.
I just want you to really beaware of what's possibly going
on for your spouse and,depending on what type of affair
(18:42):
, how long it was going on andif they've come back to you to
know it may not be over.
And I've experienced thisseveral times where it's like,
oh, I thought the affair wasover.
Oh no, they're back in our lifeagain and that's a miserable
(19:05):
place to be.
But that was my reality.
Remember, we got to deal withreality.
Now what?
And boundaries are your friendhere.
I didn't understand boundariesat this time in my life and so
I'm not going to judge myself.
I'm not going to judge you ifyou don't understand boundaries.
But learning boundaries isgoing to be your best friend in
(19:28):
these situations, because it'sgoing to allow you to have
respect for yourself, so you'renot betraying yourself and lying
to yourself and you'reprotecting yourself by having
the boundary and you're sendinga message to your spouse that's
having the affair that this iswhat you're choosing.
(19:49):
If you do this, if they're anadult, if they are really
wanting to save their marriageand to work on their marriage,
then hopefully this will helpthem and and if not, it's
sending you a message that maybethis isn't what you want or
need right now and it is okay toget divorced and this will be
(20:13):
the best thing for you.
So I hope this is helpful.
I just think.
So often we think, oh, theaffair's been discovered, it's
now out in the open, it's goingto be over.
That is rarely the case, I'msad to say.
It isn't that easily over justbecause the person got caught or
(20:35):
the affair was discovered orthey came clean.
Now I think if your spouse cameto you and admitted to you
about their affair, a lot betterchance of healing because they
have somehow realized they needto be honest okay, as opposed to
(20:55):
you discovering it.
I don't know, I don't haveevidence of that, really,
because I've never experiencedthat, but that's just what I
believe.
If the person having the affaircomes and tells you, that's a
lot better sign than youdiscovering the affair.
In my opinion.
If you are stuck in this messof your spouse is having an
(21:18):
affair, you think it's over andyou discover it's not over,
you're not alone and I cantotally help you.
I would love to be your coach.
Thanks so much for listening.
Have a beautiful day and I willtalk to you next week.
If you want to learn how tolive happily even after sign up
(21:41):
for my email at hello atlifecoachjen with one n dot com,
follow me on Instagram andFacebook at happily even after
sign up for my email at hello atlife coach Jen with one ncom.
Follow me on Instagram andFacebook at happily even after
coach let's work together tocreate your happily even after.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com