April 7, 2025 • 22 mins
Have you ever looked in the mirror after betrayal and wondered what's wrong with you? That crushing sense of inadequacy might be the most painful emotional aftermath of an affair or significant breach of trust. But what if I told you this inadequacy isn't a fact about you—it's just a thought pattern you can change?
In this raw and illuminating episode, I dive deep into the psychology of post-betrayal inadequacy and how it shapes our healing journey. Drawing from both professional expertise and my own 26-year experience with betrayal trauma, I unpack why we so often internalize our partner's actions as evidence of our own deficiencies, despite all logical evidence to the contrary.
We explore the powerful "model" framework that reveals how our thoughts about circumstances (not the circumstances themselves) create our feelings, actions, and ultimately our results. Through contrasting examples, you'll see how the exact same comment from a partner can lead to either a spiral of self-doubt or an opportunity for growth and compassion—depending entirely on what thought you choose to believe.
The breakthrough realization? Confidence is the antidote to inadequacy. Not brash arrogance, but quiet, grounded self-trust that allows you to distinguish between facts and others' opinions. I share practical ways to build this confidence after betrayal, including stretching beyond your comfort zone, embracing both your strengths and weaknesses, and taking small but significant steps toward independence.
Whether you're in the fresh pain of recent betrayal or still carrying the weight of inadequacy from past trauma, this episode offers a compassionate roadmap to reclaiming your sense of worth. Because the most important relationship to rebuild after betrayal isn't the one with your partner—it's the one with yourself.
Ready to transform feeling "not enough" into knowing you're more than enough? Listen now, and take your first step toward living happily, even after.
Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.
Email me: hello@lifecoachjen.com for any comments or questions.
Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.
My website is www.lifecoachjen.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Welcome to my podcast Happily, even After.
I'm life coach, jen, I'mpassionate about helping people
recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only
(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today we begin to help you livehappily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast.
Today I'm talking aboutinadequacy.
Chances are, most of us havefelt inadequate in some way or
another in our lives.
(00:53):
I know I have.
I haven't necessarily said thatword, necessarily.
I probably said I didn't feelgood enough, right, so
regardless.
Said I didn't feel good enough,right, so regardless.
Hopefully you can relate.
And especially, I think, whenwe've experienced betrayal, a
lot of times we feel inadequate,like something's wrong with us.
(01:13):
What is going on?
So first of all, I'm going togive you the definition of what
inadequate means Our inabilityto deal with a situation or with
life.
We might have feelings ofpersonal inadequacy, like it's a
feeling for sure, right, it'salso a thought like we're
(01:33):
inadequate, but it's mostly afeeling that we feel in our body
.
If someone has feelings ofinadequacy, they feel that they
do not have the qualities andabilities necessary to do
something or to cope with lifein general, or a deep-seated
sense of inadequacy.
Some of the synonyms ofinadequacy are incompetence,
(01:58):
inability, deficiency,incapacity, so we're less than
something or we can't dosomething.
When someone feels inadequate,it is coming from their thoughts
that they believe are true.
So often we think our thoughtsare true, but just remember they
aren't true.
They're not facts, they arejust thoughts, and the good news
(02:21):
about that is we can change ourthoughts, thoughts, and the
good news about that is we canchange our thoughts, we can
think different thoughts if wewant to, Usually because someone
important in their life hastold them that they and then
they believed him.
So that's, I think, the biggesttrigger for people, or the
biggest reason why is maybetheir parents or a spouse or a
(02:43):
or someone of importance, abrother or sister, has told them
you're not good enough, you'renot doing this right, what's
wrong with you.
Then you feel inadequate.
So remember, it's not a fact,it's a thought.
Feeling inadequate is cousinsor brother or sister, if you
want to say, with not feelinggood enough.
What if you try to reframe thethoughts that make you feel
(03:08):
inadequate.
Okay, and start with the rootcause of why you feel inadequate
.
To begin with, they may stemfrom previous rejection, right,
failure, criticism, shame,neglect, childhood trauma.
There's lots of reasons whysomeone might feel inadequate.
Neglect, childhood traumathere's lots of reasons why
someone might feel inadequate.
Feelings of inadequacy areespecially common in survivors
(03:29):
of narcissistic abuse, leadingto a type of trauma that can
greatly impact individualsthroughout their lives.
Betrayal is also a moment whenpeople feel inadequate.
So, you know, look at your lifeand I speak on betrayal, and
(03:50):
that's what I am.
I'm a betrayal coach.
I help men and women heal frombetrayal, and so I find this
comes up a lot.
So pay attention.
Are you feeling this way?
One thing I teach my clients isthe model, and the model is our
circumstance, our thoughts, ourfeelings, our actions and our
results.
Okay, this helps us becomeaware of how our thoughts are
(04:12):
creating our results.
We think it's our husband,right, or our wife that's
creating all of our results andour problems, but it's really
our thoughts.
Now, I'm not telling you youcan think your way out of
betrayal, right, it's really.
You have to really feel yourway out of that, but I just want
you to consider.
I have a few examples and Ijust want you to think about
(04:34):
these two examples that I giveand pay attention to how you're
thinking and feeling about them.
So your circumstance we'regoing to use husband, but you
could replace this for wife.
Husband says I can never go hangout with friends because you
always need my help at home.
Your thought is what's wrongwith me?
(04:56):
Then you feel inadequate.
Your actions are you're moreinsecure, you disconnect, you
live small, you close off, youjudge yourself, you compare
yourself to others.
Okay, and you might have a lotmore actions as well.
Your result is you live as ifsomething is wrong with you.
(05:17):
So you begin to live that wayand believe that, okay, that
doesn't feel great, that's areally miserable way to live
that way and believe that, okay,that doesn't feel great, that's
a really miserable way to liveand that's giving your husband
or your wife a lot of power,okay.
So the next example we're goingto stick with the same
circumstance Husband, and youcan replace this with wife.
(05:40):
Husband says I can never gohang out with friends because
you always need my help at home.
Your thought he can think that,but I know I am doing my best
and I'm still figuring out howto be a wife, a mother or an
employee like, whatever yourcircumstances, right, but in
(06:01):
this situation, a wife or amother, okay, you feel
compassion, your actions are.
You become more curious?
You open up, you ask friendswhat they do, connect, get help.
Your result continueexperimenting and finding new
ways to live life.
So, if you can tell thedifference between these two
(06:22):
models, they had the samecircumstance the husband saying
something to you, a comment, andyou get to decide what you want
to think and feel about it.
So often we just agree, we'relike well, if they think that it
must be true, it's not true, itis just their thoughts that
they're having right and they'retrying to figure out why you
(06:46):
don't want them to go out withtheir friends or what like oh,
it must be because you can'thandle it at home.
That's not true, that is justtheir thought and we don't have
to believe what they're thinking.
Okay, in order to find morepower inside of yourself, you've
got to decide what you believeabout you, because the anecdote,
(07:07):
the pill that you need to getrid of inadequacy is confidence.
Okay, so the more confident youcan become in yourself.
When people say things that inyour past would make you feel
inadequate, you just realizeokay, that's what they think.
(07:28):
That's okay, because I knowthat's not true.
That's not who I am.
You're more confident, okay?
So how do you get confidenceafter betrayal?
It's hard.
It's, in my opinion, thebiggest thing that gets hit when
someone has an affair, when youfind out your spouse is
cheating on you, I mean, there'slots of emotions, lots of
(07:50):
feelings, but your confidence,your self-esteem goes out the
window, because there is a partof us that believes it must have
been about us, it must besomething we did, even though
logically we know it wasn't.
Like there are so many studiesand so many.
It had nothing to do with you,it had something to do with the
(08:10):
person having the affair.
But our fear brain, our what wethink, we just automatically
think, oh, oh, my gosh, whathave I done wrong and I must not
be worthy of love or whateverour brain goes to is the
negative right and we lose ourconfidence and our self-esteem.
(08:30):
And it's really sad and I cantotally relate, because this was
my experience for 26 years anduntil I began to become
confident of actually, oh no,what my former spouse was
telling me was not even true andit was his thought.
But it wasn't a fact and itwasn't true and I'm not going to
(08:52):
believe it anymore.
So you can just slowly start tochange.
Okay, it takes a lot ofintentional practice to change.
We have to become aware of ourthoughts and our feelings before
we can even change.
So becoming aware of whatyou're thinking and what you're
feeling is really key tobuilding your confidence.
(09:14):
What are you making things thatoffend you mean about you?
So anytime that your spouse orsomeone important in your life
tells you something that youused to go to, oh, I must not be
good enough or I feelinadequate.
Why are you making it meananything about you?
It is just their thoughts andwhat's going on in their brain,
(09:38):
right?
Just because what they'rethinking doesn't mean.
That's what you have to bethinking.
Question your thoughts, ask isthis true or is it an opinion?
So often it's just people'sopinions about us and of course
we want people's opinions aboutus to be really loving and kind
and wonderful.
(09:59):
But when someone has had anaffair, there's a lot of shame
involved in that and so whensomeone feels shame, they're
unable to be loving and kind.
Right, they don't want to feelshame.
So they're thinking it must nothave been my choice, right,
like I must have had the affair,but it's because my wife or my
(10:22):
husband wasn't doing X, y or Zenough, and then, if they had
been, then I wouldn't have hadto go have an affair, right,
somehow?
That's how they rationalize it,but that's a lie that their
brain is telling them.
That's a lie they're tellingthem.
So you get to decide.
Is that an opinion, which I'mguessing most of the time?
Yes, it is.
(10:43):
And sometimes what people tellus is true, like maybe we are a
little bit of a brat or we are alittle bit of, you know, kind
of difficult to be around,sometimes, like that's true,
right, so decide instead ofgetting defensive when someone
gives you their opinion aboutyou or they tell you something
(11:07):
that you perceive like, oh, I'mdoing this wrong, consider if
any of what they said is trueand just listen to them.
Right, acknowledge what theysay and you can say, like I can
see how you would think that, orwhatever For me, since I'm not
in a relationship right now, Ido this a lot with my kids.
My kids are very free attelling me things that they
(11:29):
disagree with or whatever, andthey don't do it to be unkind or
they don't love me.
Of course they love me.
They're just pointing thingsout and I appreciate it.
So I will consider.
Hey, actually, what you said,like I can see how I always just
want to fix everything.
Okay, I can see how that'sunhelpful for you, right?
So the more awareness you haveof yourself and the more
(11:51):
confidence you have, you can dothat.
You don't take everything sopersonally and then spiral down.
Okay, take everything sopersonally and then spiral down?
Okay.
So just pay attention when youfeel defensive, listen to the
feedback, decide.
If any of it's true, the partthat you might believe is true,
you can totally change, and youalso don't have to agree with
(12:13):
them.
Because they don't think youcan handle it doesn't mean you
can't handle it.
You can totally handle it ifyou want to.
There might be another reason.
Decide, okay, what was thereason I didn't want my spouse
to go out with his friends?
Well, maybe I don't trust hisfriends, or every time he's with
his friends, he flirts withother women.
There's probably somethingdeeper there.
(12:34):
So you got to discover that andthen be honest about it.
This is actually why?
It's not because I need yourhelp giving the kids a bath or
getting them ready for bed ordoing the dishes.
It's because I feeluncomfortable and it feels very
unsafe when you go out with yourfriends, because every time you
go out with your friends, Ifeel like there's some lying
(12:57):
involved.
You say you're coming home at11 and you get home at 2 in the
morning or whatever.
It is right and so you have to.
In order to have a relationship,you have to be honest about how
you're feeling and what youwant.
You have to have your own back.
You have to be strong enough.
That's why you have to practiceand build your confidence.
(13:18):
Be strong enough that's why youhave to practice and build your
confidence.
And I like to call it likequiet confidence.
It's not arrogance, right, it'snot like I think I'm better
than you.
That's not what I mean byconfidence.
It's understanding, like, okay,I am pretty amazing, but
sometimes I'm not very amazing.
Like sometimes I am a brat andI am not nice, but most of the
(13:39):
time I'm really nice andgenerous and kind.
So holding space for both partsof you.
So practice, be intentional.
If you struggle going to thingslike I was thinking of examples
, like if you struggle going tothings by yourself or people
invite you to things and thatfeels hard for you, just make a
(14:02):
goal like, okay, I'm going tojust talk to one person, or I'm
going to stay for 30 minutes andif I still feel uncomfortable
I'm going to go home.
I'm giving myself permission togo home.
I thought last year I went tothis trauma conference Sounds
fun, right, it was reallyamazing, but I went all by
myself.
I didn't know one person atthis conference and I'm just
(14:25):
going to say it was inCalifornia.
It was with a group of peoplethat were probably they thought
much differently than me.
There was a lot of talk aboutketamine and psilocybin, like
all these different things thatI'm not familiar with.
There were a lot of like socialworkers and people that dress
(14:48):
differently than me, their hairwas different than me, they
thought probably completelyopposite of me.
However, healing my trauma andhelping others heal their trauma
is very important to me.
I want to understand it.
I want to learn about it.
What am I going to do?
Am I just going to sit in thisroom by myself?
But what I decided?
(15:13):
I'm like every session becauseyou would have a session, and
then, like, leave and I paid forthe meal plan that they offered
and I, just in line, met people.
I would just, you know, duringlunch or dinner I would go sit
by a group of people and I metso many amazing people.
The amount of amazingconversations I had in this
(15:35):
week-long period was amazing.
Like I connected with people ona whole different level because
the one thing we had in commonis that we were all there to
learn and grow and to help otherpeople, and so we had something
in common, even though in mymind we had nothing in common.
And I even have a group chatstill going from some of these
(15:58):
women that I met in this groupand it's really lovely because
every now and again they'll senda video or anyways.
So I just think for me, I'mreally proud of myself.
That took a lot of courage, buta little bit of quiet confidence
, like, oh, I can do this.
Because I think past me, beforeI got divorced while I was
married, would have never chosento do something like that.
(16:22):
I would have talked myself outof it or been like no, I can't
do that.
And I bet my spouse would havebeen like what are you doing?
Like that's crazy right, likehe would not have been
supportive of it.
I don't think so.
Ways you could find a retreat togo on, and especially, I think,
women that are divorced, takeopportunities to do things on
(16:45):
your own right.
A lot of us we've relied a loton our spouse.
A lot of women we rely a lotmore on our spouse than we
realize.
And so finding moments to buildyour confidence, like, oh, I
can do this.
I can totally call the cardealership and get my car fixed,
or find someone to fix a repairin my house, Like, do those
(17:08):
things.
I think a retreat is a great wayto go connect with other women
and do something that's out ofyour comfort zone.
Right, it's kind of safebecause you kind of know it's in
a container and you probablyare aligned with whatever the
retreat is offering.
But you're going there byyourself.
You're going to have to take alittle bit of courage to talk,
(17:31):
and my daughter just recentlywent on this retreat and she
didn't decide to go on theretreat until like a week before
, but I'm so proud of herbecause she was the youngest one
there.
But she connected with allthese other women and now
(17:51):
they're in this like grouptogether and she said several
things during that retreat thathelped them, and then, of course
, they said things to help her.
So sometimes we get caught upin our differences instead of
what our commonalities are.
Okay and that's a way to buildconfidence commonalities are
(18:13):
okay and that's a way to buildconfidence.
If there is an area of your lifeyou want to become more
confident in, give yourselfopportunities, so focus, look
for opportunities to grow anddevelop.
If you want to learn how toplay pickleball, join a
pickleball league that feelsuncomfortable and in our minds
sometimes like oh, I'm not goingto be able to do it, I'm not
adequate enough, right, likethere's no, you know if you can
(18:35):
get there right and get a paddle.
I think anyone can learn toplay pickleball.
Some people might learn faster,some people might get better at
it, but anyone can learn.
Okay, make a list and write itdown of things that you want to
do.
Define what confidence means toyou.
It is different to everyone,including your spouse, and
(18:57):
that's okay, because your spousemight be defining it in a
different way than you are, sothat might be a good exercise to
do together if you're stilltogether.
If you're divorced, just decidewhat does confidence mean to
you?
Because that's going to lookdifferently for everyone.
Understand that nobody isperfect.
Sometimes you are an awesomemom and sometimes you fall short
(19:19):
.
Like I love my favorite thingabout what I say to my kids like
hey guys, you just got theworld's okayest mom.
Like deal with it, like luckyyou.
Sometimes I'm really great andsometimes I fall short and make
mistakes.
So you can really do that witheverything in your life right.
Like sometimes you're reallygood at eating on your meal plan
and sometimes you're not goodat it.
(19:40):
Sometimes you're really good atnot going down the rabbit hole
of my spouse's affair andsometimes I go down the rabbit
hole and that's okay.
So just give yourself.
The more compassion and graceyou can give, the more
confidence you're gonna get.
An exercise I like to have myclients do is make a list of 25
(20:01):
things that you're good at andthen take those same things and
say how you aren't good at themor how you could do better.
That's gonna get your brain tojust know like okay, I'm really
good at this and sometimes I'mnot, and you've got to hold
space for both.
That is going to build moreconfidence, okay.
So I hope that if you are oneof those people that feels
(20:26):
inadequate a lot, you can decidelike inadequacy is not
something, we're going to drawyour blood and decide oh look,
jennifer's inadequate, it's nota thing.
Right?
You can become more confident.
You don't have to believe yourspouse if he's telling you like
blaming you for his inability togo somewhere because he doesn't
(20:49):
think you can handle it.
Well, that says a lot about him.
That says nothing about you.
That says he doesn't haveconfidence in you and probably
not confidence that you can,which is sad.
We want our spouse to haveconfidence in us, but the most
important person to haveconfidence in is you.
So if you want help, reach out.
(21:10):
I would love to be your coach.
Otherwise, thanks so much forlistening to my podcast.
Please like and share with yourfamily and friends and I will
talk to you next week.
If you want to learn how tolive happily even after, sign up
for my email at hello atlifecoachjenwith1ncom.
Follow me on Instagram andFacebook at Happily Even After
(21:30):
Coach let's on Instagram andFacebook at happily even after
coach.
Let's work together to createyour happily even after.
Welcome to my podcast Happily, even After.
I'm life coach, jen, I'mpassionate about helping people
recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only
(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today we begin to help you livehappily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast.
Today I'm talking aboutinadequacy.
Chances are, most of us havefelt inadequate in some way or
another in our lives.
(00:53):
I know I have.
I haven't necessarily said thatword, necessarily.
I probably said I didn't feelgood enough, right, so
regardless.
Said I didn't feel good enough,right, so regardless.
Hopefully you can relate.
And especially, I think, whenwe've experienced betrayal, a
lot of times we feel inadequate,like something's wrong with us.
(01:13):
What is going on?
So first of all, I'm going togive you the definition of what
inadequate means Our inabilityto deal with a situation or with
life.
We might have feelings ofpersonal inadequacy, like it's a
feeling for sure, right, it'salso a thought like we're
(01:33):
inadequate, but it's mostly afeeling that we feel in our body
.
If someone has feelings ofinadequacy, they feel that they
do not have the qualities andabilities necessary to do
something or to cope with lifein general, or a deep-seated
sense of inadequacy.
Some of the synonyms ofinadequacy are incompetence,
(01:58):
inability, deficiency,incapacity, so we're less than
something or we can't dosomething.
When someone feels inadequate,it is coming from their thoughts
that they believe are true.
So often we think our thoughtsare true, but just remember they
aren't true.
They're not facts, they arejust thoughts, and the good news
(02:21):
about that is we can change ourthoughts, thoughts, and the
good news about that is we canchange our thoughts, we can
think different thoughts if wewant to, Usually because someone
important in their life hastold them that they and then
they believed him.
So that's, I think, the biggesttrigger for people, or the
biggest reason why is maybetheir parents or a spouse or a
(02:43):
or someone of importance, abrother or sister, has told them
you're not good enough, you'renot doing this right, what's
wrong with you.
Then you feel inadequate.
So remember, it's not a fact,it's a thought.
Feeling inadequate is cousinsor brother or sister, if you
want to say, with not feelinggood enough.
What if you try to reframe thethoughts that make you feel
(03:08):
inadequate.
Okay, and start with the rootcause of why you feel inadequate
.
To begin with, they may stemfrom previous rejection, right,
failure, criticism, shame,neglect, childhood trauma.
There's lots of reasons whysomeone might feel inadequate.
Neglect, childhood traumathere's lots of reasons why
someone might feel inadequate.
Feelings of inadequacy areespecially common in survivors
(03:29):
of narcissistic abuse, leadingto a type of trauma that can
greatly impact individualsthroughout their lives.
Betrayal is also a moment whenpeople feel inadequate.
So, you know, look at your lifeand I speak on betrayal, and
(03:50):
that's what I am.
I'm a betrayal coach.
I help men and women heal frombetrayal, and so I find this
comes up a lot.
So pay attention.
Are you feeling this way?
One thing I teach my clients isthe model, and the model is our
circumstance, our thoughts, ourfeelings, our actions and our
results.
Okay, this helps us becomeaware of how our thoughts are
(04:12):
creating our results.
We think it's our husband,right, or our wife that's
creating all of our results andour problems, but it's really
our thoughts.
Now, I'm not telling you youcan think your way out of
betrayal, right, it's really.
You have to really feel yourway out of that, but I just want
you to consider.
I have a few examples and Ijust want you to think about
(04:34):
these two examples that I giveand pay attention to how you're
thinking and feeling about them.
So your circumstance we'regoing to use husband, but you
could replace this for wife.
Husband says I can never go hangout with friends because you
always need my help at home.
Your thought is what's wrongwith me?
(04:56):
Then you feel inadequate.
Your actions are you're moreinsecure, you disconnect, you
live small, you close off, youjudge yourself, you compare
yourself to others.
Okay, and you might have a lotmore actions as well.
Your result is you live as ifsomething is wrong with you.
(05:17):
So you begin to live that wayand believe that, okay, that
doesn't feel great, that's areally miserable way to live
that way and believe that, okay,that doesn't feel great, that's
a really miserable way to liveand that's giving your husband
or your wife a lot of power,okay.
So the next example we're goingto stick with the same
circumstance Husband, and youcan replace this with wife.
(05:40):
Husband says I can never gohang out with friends because
you always need my help at home.
Your thought he can think that,but I know I am doing my best
and I'm still figuring out howto be a wife, a mother or an
employee like, whatever yourcircumstances, right, but in
(06:01):
this situation, a wife or amother, okay, you feel
compassion, your actions are.
You become more curious?
You open up, you ask friendswhat they do, connect, get help.
Your result continueexperimenting and finding new
ways to live life.
So, if you can tell thedifference between these two
(06:22):
models, they had the samecircumstance the husband saying
something to you, a comment, andyou get to decide what you want
to think and feel about it.
So often we just agree, we'relike well, if they think that it
must be true, it's not true, itis just their thoughts that
they're having right and they'retrying to figure out why you
(06:46):
don't want them to go out withtheir friends or what like oh,
it must be because you can'thandle it at home.
That's not true, that is justtheir thought and we don't have
to believe what they're thinking.
Okay, in order to find morepower inside of yourself, you've
got to decide what you believeabout you, because the anecdote,
(07:07):
the pill that you need to getrid of inadequacy is confidence.
Okay, so the more confident youcan become in yourself.
When people say things that inyour past would make you feel
inadequate, you just realizeokay, that's what they think.
(07:28):
That's okay, because I knowthat's not true.
That's not who I am.
You're more confident, okay?
So how do you get confidenceafter betrayal?
It's hard.
It's, in my opinion, thebiggest thing that gets hit when
someone has an affair, when youfind out your spouse is
cheating on you, I mean, there'slots of emotions, lots of
(07:50):
feelings, but your confidence,your self-esteem goes out the
window, because there is a partof us that believes it must have
been about us, it must besomething we did, even though
logically we know it wasn't.
Like there are so many studiesand so many.
It had nothing to do with you,it had something to do with the
(08:10):
person having the affair.
But our fear brain, our what wethink, we just automatically
think, oh, oh, my gosh, whathave I done wrong and I must not
be worthy of love or whateverour brain goes to is the
negative right and we lose ourconfidence and our self-esteem.
(08:30):
And it's really sad and I cantotally relate, because this was
my experience for 26 years anduntil I began to become
confident of actually, oh no,what my former spouse was
telling me was not even true andit was his thought.
But it wasn't a fact and itwasn't true and I'm not going to
(08:52):
believe it anymore.
So you can just slowly start tochange.
Okay, it takes a lot ofintentional practice to change.
We have to become aware of ourthoughts and our feelings before
we can even change.
So becoming aware of whatyou're thinking and what you're
feeling is really key tobuilding your confidence.
(09:14):
What are you making things thatoffend you mean about you?
So anytime that your spouse orsomeone important in your life
tells you something that youused to go to, oh, I must not be
good enough or I feelinadequate.
Why are you making it meananything about you?
It is just their thoughts andwhat's going on in their brain,
(09:38):
right?
Just because what they'rethinking doesn't mean.
That's what you have to bethinking.
Question your thoughts, ask isthis true or is it an opinion?
So often it's just people'sopinions about us and of course
we want people's opinions aboutus to be really loving and kind
and wonderful.
(09:59):
But when someone has had anaffair, there's a lot of shame
involved in that and so whensomeone feels shame, they're
unable to be loving and kind.
Right, they don't want to feelshame.
So they're thinking it must nothave been my choice, right,
like I must have had the affair,but it's because my wife or my
(10:22):
husband wasn't doing X, y or Zenough, and then, if they had
been, then I wouldn't have hadto go have an affair, right,
somehow?
That's how they rationalize it,but that's a lie that their
brain is telling them.
That's a lie they're tellingthem.
So you get to decide.
Is that an opinion, which I'mguessing most of the time?
Yes, it is.
(10:43):
And sometimes what people tellus is true, like maybe we are a
little bit of a brat or we are alittle bit of, you know, kind
of difficult to be around,sometimes, like that's true,
right, so decide instead ofgetting defensive when someone
gives you their opinion aboutyou or they tell you something
(11:07):
that you perceive like, oh, I'mdoing this wrong, consider if
any of what they said is trueand just listen to them.
Right, acknowledge what theysay and you can say, like I can
see how you would think that, orwhatever For me, since I'm not
in a relationship right now, Ido this a lot with my kids.
My kids are very free attelling me things that they
(11:29):
disagree with or whatever, andthey don't do it to be unkind or
they don't love me.
Of course they love me.
They're just pointing thingsout and I appreciate it.
So I will consider.
Hey, actually, what you said,like I can see how I always just
want to fix everything.
Okay, I can see how that'sunhelpful for you, right?
So the more awareness you haveof yourself and the more
(11:51):
confidence you have, you can dothat.
You don't take everything sopersonally and then spiral down.
Okay, take everything sopersonally and then spiral down?
Okay.
So just pay attention when youfeel defensive, listen to the
feedback, decide.
If any of it's true, the partthat you might believe is true,
you can totally change, and youalso don't have to agree with
(12:13):
them.
Because they don't think youcan handle it doesn't mean you
can't handle it.
You can totally handle it ifyou want to.
There might be another reason.
Decide, okay, what was thereason I didn't want my spouse
to go out with his friends?
Well, maybe I don't trust hisfriends, or every time he's with
his friends, he flirts withother women.
There's probably somethingdeeper there.
(12:34):
So you got to discover that andthen be honest about it.
This is actually why?
It's not because I need yourhelp giving the kids a bath or
getting them ready for bed ordoing the dishes.
It's because I feeluncomfortable and it feels very
unsafe when you go out with yourfriends, because every time you
go out with your friends, Ifeel like there's some lying
(12:57):
involved.
You say you're coming home at11 and you get home at 2 in the
morning or whatever.
It is right and so you have to.
In order to have a relationship,you have to be honest about how
you're feeling and what youwant.
You have to have your own back.
You have to be strong enough.
That's why you have to practiceand build your confidence.
(13:18):
Be strong enough that's why youhave to practice and build your
confidence.
And I like to call it likequiet confidence.
It's not arrogance, right, it'snot like I think I'm better
than you.
That's not what I mean byconfidence.
It's understanding, like, okay,I am pretty amazing, but
sometimes I'm not very amazing.
Like sometimes I am a brat andI am not nice, but most of the
(13:39):
time I'm really nice andgenerous and kind.
So holding space for both partsof you.
So practice, be intentional.
If you struggle going to thingslike I was thinking of examples
, like if you struggle going tothings by yourself or people
invite you to things and thatfeels hard for you, just make a
(14:02):
goal like, okay, I'm going tojust talk to one person, or I'm
going to stay for 30 minutes andif I still feel uncomfortable
I'm going to go home.
I'm giving myself permission togo home.
I thought last year I went tothis trauma conference Sounds
fun, right, it was reallyamazing, but I went all by
myself.
I didn't know one person atthis conference and I'm just
(14:25):
going to say it was inCalifornia.
It was with a group of peoplethat were probably they thought
much differently than me.
There was a lot of talk aboutketamine and psilocybin, like
all these different things thatI'm not familiar with.
There were a lot of like socialworkers and people that dress
(14:48):
differently than me, their hairwas different than me, they
thought probably completelyopposite of me.
However, healing my trauma andhelping others heal their trauma
is very important to me.
I want to understand it.
I want to learn about it.
What am I going to do?
Am I just going to sit in thisroom by myself?
But what I decided?
(15:13):
I'm like every session becauseyou would have a session, and
then, like, leave and I paid forthe meal plan that they offered
and I, just in line, met people.
I would just, you know, duringlunch or dinner I would go sit
by a group of people and I metso many amazing people.
The amount of amazingconversations I had in this
(15:35):
week-long period was amazing.
Like I connected with people ona whole different level because
the one thing we had in commonis that we were all there to
learn and grow and to help otherpeople, and so we had something
in common, even though in mymind we had nothing in common.
And I even have a group chatstill going from some of these
(15:58):
women that I met in this groupand it's really lovely because
every now and again they'll senda video or anyways.
So I just think for me, I'mreally proud of myself.
That took a lot of courage, buta little bit of quiet confidence
, like, oh, I can do this.
Because I think past me, beforeI got divorced while I was
married, would have never chosento do something like that.
(16:22):
I would have talked myself outof it or been like no, I can't
do that.
And I bet my spouse would havebeen like what are you doing?
Like that's crazy right, likehe would not have been
supportive of it.
I don't think so.
Ways you could find a retreat togo on, and especially, I think,
women that are divorced, takeopportunities to do things on
(16:45):
your own right.
A lot of us we've relied a loton our spouse.
A lot of women we rely a lotmore on our spouse than we
realize.
And so finding moments to buildyour confidence, like, oh, I
can do this.
I can totally call the cardealership and get my car fixed,
or find someone to fix a repairin my house, Like, do those
(17:08):
things.
I think a retreat is a great wayto go connect with other women
and do something that's out ofyour comfort zone.
Right, it's kind of safebecause you kind of know it's in
a container and you probablyare aligned with whatever the
retreat is offering.
But you're going there byyourself.
You're going to have to take alittle bit of courage to talk,
(17:31):
and my daughter just recentlywent on this retreat and she
didn't decide to go on theretreat until like a week before
, but I'm so proud of herbecause she was the youngest one
there.
But she connected with allthese other women and now
(17:51):
they're in this like grouptogether and she said several
things during that retreat thathelped them, and then, of course
, they said things to help her.
So sometimes we get caught upin our differences instead of
what our commonalities are.
Okay and that's a way to buildconfidence commonalities are
(18:13):
okay and that's a way to buildconfidence.
If there is an area of your lifeyou want to become more
confident in, give yourselfopportunities, so focus, look
for opportunities to grow anddevelop.
If you want to learn how toplay pickleball, join a
pickleball league that feelsuncomfortable and in our minds
sometimes like oh, I'm not goingto be able to do it, I'm not
adequate enough, right, likethere's no, you know if you can
(18:35):
get there right and get a paddle.
I think anyone can learn toplay pickleball.
Some people might learn faster,some people might get better at
it, but anyone can learn.
Okay, make a list and write itdown of things that you want to
do.
Define what confidence means toyou.
It is different to everyone,including your spouse, and
(18:57):
that's okay, because your spousemight be defining it in a
different way than you are, sothat might be a good exercise to
do together if you're stilltogether.
If you're divorced, just decidewhat does confidence mean to
you?
Because that's going to lookdifferently for everyone.
Understand that nobody isperfect.
Sometimes you are an awesomemom and sometimes you fall short
(19:19):
.
Like I love my favorite thingabout what I say to my kids like
hey guys, you just got theworld's okayest mom.
Like deal with it, like luckyyou.
Sometimes I'm really great andsometimes I fall short and make
mistakes.
So you can really do that witheverything in your life right.
Like sometimes you're reallygood at eating on your meal plan
and sometimes you're not goodat it.
(19:40):
Sometimes you're really good atnot going down the rabbit hole
of my spouse's affair andsometimes I go down the rabbit
hole and that's okay.
So just give yourself.
The more compassion and graceyou can give, the more
confidence you're gonna get.
An exercise I like to have myclients do is make a list of 25
(20:01):
things that you're good at andthen take those same things and
say how you aren't good at themor how you could do better.
That's gonna get your brain tojust know like okay, I'm really
good at this and sometimes I'mnot, and you've got to hold
space for both.
That is going to build moreconfidence, okay.
So I hope that if you are oneof those people that feels
(20:26):
inadequate a lot, you can decidelike inadequacy is not
something, we're going to drawyour blood and decide oh look,
jennifer's inadequate, it's nota thing.
Right?
You can become more confident.
You don't have to believe yourspouse if he's telling you like
blaming you for his inability togo somewhere because he doesn't
(20:49):
think you can handle it.
Well, that says a lot about him.
That says nothing about you.
That says he doesn't haveconfidence in you and probably
not confidence that you can,which is sad.
We want our spouse to haveconfidence in us, but the most
important person to haveconfidence in is you.
So if you want help, reach out.
(21:10):
I would love to be your coach.
Otherwise, thanks so much forlistening to my podcast.
Please like and share with yourfamily and friends and I will
talk to you next week.
If you want to learn how tolive happily even after, sign up
for my email at hello atlifecoachjenwith1ncom.
Follow me on Instagram andFacebook at Happily Even After
(21:30):
Coach let's on Instagram andFacebook at happily even after
coach.
Let's work together to createyour happily even after.
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