February 13, 2024 • 23 mins
It’s easy to get caught up in showing love to others.
But what about you?
I’m not a mind reader, but there’s a good chance you're a natural giver, spreading love and support throughout the year.
But amidst all that giving, are you taking time to show yourself some love too?
In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, this podcast episode is all about self-love—made just for you to help you cultivate a deeper connection with yourself so you can feel as amazing as you are!
And… You wanna know the biggest robber of self-love that I see clients struggle with?
Perfectionism.
Perfectionism might be getting in the way of your self-love journey and the incredible impact that strengthening your relationship with yourself can have on your life.
By practicing more self-love, you will naturally surround yourself with supportive, loving people because, remember—others are a reflection, a mirror, and you attract what you put out into the universe.
So, if you're ready to level up your self-love and break down the barriers keeping you from fully loving yourself, this episode is for you.
In this episode, you’ll hear:
- 5 simple, actionable ways to practice self-love.
- How seeking external validation can lead to unhealthy patterns like people-pleasing.
- The transformative power of changing your relationship with yourself.
- Journaling prompts to guide you on your self-love journey.
- The damaging effects of perfectionism on your relationships.
- How a loving connection with yourself can bring more peace and joy into your daily life.
So go ahead, give yourself the gift of self-love.
You deserve it!
Say "Hi!" on Instagram: Mrs.Hard_TimesNoMore
Or Facebook: Mrs.Hard
Website: Mrs-Hard.com
Discover how to step off the chaos roller coaster and finally have peace of mind.
Sign up for my free 3-day coaching series—Stepping Off The Chaos Roller Coaster: 3 Simple Steps For Anxiety Relief
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hi, I'm Alessandra Tolome hard, aka Mrs Hard, and
this is Hard Times no More, apodcast for people who are tired
of struggling with boundaries,people pleasing and relationship
problems.
I have overcome some hard times.
Within three years, I stoppeddrinking, my mom died of cancer
and my house burnt down in aCalifornia wildfire, and those
(00:22):
are just the highlights.
I have a lot of reasons to bemiserable, but I'm not.
The truth is, life was morechallenging before these events
happened.
If you are tired of waiting foryour circumstances to change to
find happiness and peace ofmind, you are in the right place
.
Join me as I share the tools Iuse and love to transform
(00:43):
challenges into assets andinterview others about their
relationship journeys.
Together, let's learn how tohave a happy life full of
healthy, meaningfulrelationships and say goodbye to
hard times for good.
Hey everyone, welcome to theHard Times no More relationship
(01:05):
podcast.
I'm Alessandra Tolome hard, akaMrs Hard, your host.
Today seemed like the perfectday to talk about self-love,
because Valentine's Day has justpassed and I'm sure you could
agree that a little bit moreself-love in your life would be
great.
So today I'm going to sharefive ways to release
(01:25):
perfectionism and create moreself-love, and when you create
more self-love, self-acceptance,self-compassion, you then, in
turn, have more patience,compassion and acceptance of
others, which creates happier,healthier relationships in your
life, which creates morestability and security.
(01:45):
So then you decrease stress,decrease anxiety and you feel
good within your own skin, andthen you feel good interacting
with others and it's a goodthing all around.
So first let's get on the samepage.
What does self-love really mean?
Well, if you look up on Google,it'll say that self-love means
(02:06):
having a high regard for yourown well-being and happiness.
Self-love means taking care ofyour needs and not sacrificing
your well-being to please others.
So, as we've talked about inother episodes, not making
others needs a priority overyour own.
That is true self-love.
(02:27):
But I was talking to one of myclients last week and we were
talking about her needs and howsometimes it's hard for us to
identify what our needs are.
And if you don't even know whatyour needs are yet, it's hard
to see if you're making them apriority or not.
So first let's cover what yourneeds may be.
(02:50):
Well, we have very basic needs.
We have food, shelter,financial security and that's
our baseline.
So first rule of thumb don't gohelp somebody else until your
basic needs are met, and a verysilly example of this is if
(03:10):
you've tried to be around afamily member, that triggers you
.
When you're angry, you know.
If your blood sugar is low, youhave less patience and they
just irritate you with everylittle thing they do.
They irritate you.
Just being themselves andchoosing to help them instead of
feed yourself first, take careof your basic needs, is making
(03:31):
their needs, or what they need,a priority over you.
So that's a silly but simpleexample of how that can play out
, and I'm assuming you don'tjust want to survive, you want
to thrive, right?
So what are the needs that youneed to discover to help you
thrive?
A simple way I have used tofigure this out is to think
(03:56):
about a time in your life whenyou felt your best but you
weren't on vacation.
What did your life look like?
What did you enjoy doing?
What did you look forward to?
Maybe you lived more in themoment.
Maybe you were very active andyou did yoga every day, and that
(04:17):
movement and that connectionwith that routine made you feel
really good, because it got youmotivated for the day and it was
a practice that you came backto.
It was a time ofself-reflection.
Or maybe it was a time whereyou could let everything go and
maybe that practice helped youfeel good in your body.
Or maybe you used to be more ofa free spirit and you would
(04:40):
work to travel.
You were always saving for yournext trip and you were
traveling to Thailand, europe,and you had all these ideas of
all the places you wanted to go,and that would really excite
your soul and it would help youget through the mundane.
And so how can you bring some ofthe energy from your past phase
, when you felt your best, intothis present time?
(05:03):
And it doesn't mean that youneed to do yoga every day, but
maybe you want to bring a littlebit more yoga into your life.
Or maybe you want to explore anew form of exercise and it
doesn't mean that you need toquit your job and travel all
over the world or make that yournumber one priority, but maybe
it's been a long time sinceyou've gone somewhere new or
(05:26):
gone exploring or adventuring,and that that really feeds your
soul.
So recognizing those needs arevery important, because when you
start to make those needs apriority in your life, you build
your self-esteem, you buildyour self-love and you build
your relationship, yourconnection with yourself, and
these are the things that youneed to thrive.
(05:48):
And making these kinds of needs, along with your baseline needs
, a priority will mean having ahigh regard for your own
well-being and your ownhappiness.
And once you check the box oflike, okay, I got my basics and
now I got my things that lightme up, bring me joy, give me
(06:08):
energy, make me excited aboutlife, now I can take care of
others, and sometimes it's justplanning that trip or showing up
to that yoga practice that day,especially if you know you're
going to have a challenginginteraction with someone else
later.
And then, by neglecting yourconnection with yourself over
and over again, it can propelyou to look outside of yourself
(06:31):
for validation and approval fromothers, and this can steer your
internal compass in the wrongdirection and it can create
unhealthy relationships.
Because when we're looking forexternal validation, sometimes
we'll do things we don't reallywant to do just to please others
, to be the good daughter, thegood partner, the good friend.
(06:55):
And this people-pleasing cancause us to, and this
people-pleasing can cause you tonot say what's on your heart
and your mind, because you don'twant to rock the boat, you
don't want to upset others andso you continue to shove it down
.
And that is subliminally sayingto yourself that you know what
you have to say isn't important,which makes it hard for you to
(07:19):
have healthy connections andhealthy communication with
others.
Also, if you have a poorrelationship with yourself, you
can tend to be more critical ofothers because you're so
critical of yourself.
And this leads me to talk aboutperfectionism, which I think
steals so much self-love.
Perfectionism is usually acoping mechanism.
(07:41):
The deep, deep root ofperfectionism is a fear of not
being enough, fear of not beingaccepted, fear of being seen
negatively by others, of notbelonging.
And when you struggle withperfectionism it's a
never-ending battle.
(08:01):
You can never do things wellenough to satisfy that inner
perfectionist, and thatperfectionism robs your ability
to accept yourself as who youare in the moment.
It can rob your ability to rest, because sometimes it keeps you
on the go all the time, alwaysstriving for more, instead of
(08:22):
feeling satisfied with the lifethat you have now.
Perfectionism can drive you toset unattainable goals and then
wonder why you didn't meet yourmark.
And then, when we have thisinternal perfectionism, it
trickles out to others, like Italked about, it becomes
(08:43):
critical and then it's hard forus to have peace in our
relationships because we may beharboring some silent
expectations of others, wantingthem to be different than who
they are.
And when we want ourselves tobe different than who we are, or
someone else to be differentthan who they are, it's really
(09:03):
hard to have a peacefulrelationship.
And so a solution though it isa journey to perfectionism and
cultivating more self-love isacceptance.
And, like I said, acceptance isa journey, but that is actually
where we want to get, insteadof like overwhelming joy and
(09:25):
happiness.
Those things are wonderful, butreally acceptance of who we are
and how our life is right nowis what creates peace in our
life and what opens the door formore self-love.
So I'm going to share with youfive ways to call in more
self-love, to practice self-love, to find that acceptance with
(09:49):
yourself.
So first, prioritize yourconnection with yourself.
Understand your basic needs,understand what lights you up,
and if you don't know what thatis, think of it as an adventure,
a journey to see what you likeat this time in your life, right
now.
Maybe you find that you reallyenjoy cooking and you take a
(10:12):
couple cooking classes just tospice it up, to learn something
new.
Maybe you do it by yourself oryou ask one of your good friends
to join you.
Maybe you start walking in themorning and you set aside 30
minutes to walk when the sun'srising.
I go for sunrise walks and, ohmy gosh, it is an amazing start
to the day.
Everything is so quiet, everymorning is so different and
(10:36):
there's so much peace out there.
So a great way to prioritizeconnection with yourself is
through meditation and writing.
When I was brainstorming ideasfor this episode today, I did a
little writing and I askedmyself some journaling questions
.
I asked myself do I love myself?
(10:56):
I asked myself if I havecompassion for myself.
I asked myself what wouldhaving more self-love look like
for me?
And when writing, I imaginedthat myself was a different
person, like a good friend ofmine, and tried to view myself
(11:17):
as a secondary entity, asanother person, so that I could
have compassion for that personin the journey they've been
through and really connect withthat feeling of compassion.
And for me, creating that space, making that shift in
perspective, calms down anyblocks or barriers.
(11:37):
I have to the topic of self-love, because sometimes self-love
can feel a little icky to talkabout.
It can make your mind go to egoand being full of yourself and
being somebody who needs a lotof attention or is really
prideful or very overlyconfident, and that's not the
(11:58):
self-love we're talking about.
It's more of a soft, gentlelove, a place of unconditional
love, because that's what wereally want from others, right,
and so creating that connectionwith ourselves first creates an
opening in which we can attractthat conditional love into our
life, because we'll recognize it, because we have it for
(12:20):
ourselves, and then we're somuch easier on ourself if we
shift into this more positiveperspective.
We have less anxiety, lessstress, because we can see that
we're just humans doing the bestwe can living this life, and it
takes the pressure off of ourbacks to always perform and
always push and always do better.
(12:41):
So if you decide to do thesewriting prompts, which I highly
suggest, ask yourself thesequestions Do you love yourself?
Do you have compassion foryourself?
What would having moreself-love in your life look like
for you?
Pretend you're writing to agood friend and when you write,
instead of just thinking aboutit, it does something different
(13:04):
to your brain.
Your brain goes into more of alearning and processing mode and
you're able to retain whatyou've written about more than
if you're just thinking about it, because if you're like me, you
may have 100 thoughts an hour,it seems like, or maybe a
thousand thoughts an hour, andso it goes in one ear and out
the other.
(13:24):
But when you put pen to paper,that's when the magic truly
happens and it sticks with youlonger after you're writing.
So, number one prioritize yourconnection with yourself in
whatever way feels good for you.
And then, number two,self-forgiveness is so important
(13:46):
in cultivating self-love.
And again, you can do this as awriting exercise.
If there is anything you resentyourself for or are frustrated
with yourself about, take sometime to write it out.
Write about your frustration,write about why you're
frustrated and write about whatyou wish you would have done,
(14:10):
and see if you can call in somecompassion into this space and
look at it as if you were onceagain a good friend, not
yourself, because we're easieron ourselves when we view us as
a good friend, as a separateentity instead of ourselves,
because that perfectionist willcome in and tell you you could
have done this better.
(14:30):
If only you did X, y, z, thenthe certain outcome in the
situation would have gone better.
But these are inquiries.
And then, once you write aboutanything, you resent any hard
feelings you have why See if youneed to forgive yourself and
then write an apology toyourself and decide on an action
(14:53):
you can take to kind of make itup to yourself again.
Maybe it's taking that time tospend time with yourself and
reconnect with yourself daily.
Maybe it's making your needs apriority and really following
through with it this time.
What is it that you can do?
What is one thing you canchange that would bring that
forgiveness, that self-love,that compassion into your life
(15:15):
today?
And then, number three don'tcompare yourself to others.
It is easy to compare ourinsides to other people's
outsides.
You may see them on Instagramliving their best life.
They may seem like they havelots of money and free time at
the same time and that theydon't experience the same
struggles you do.
(15:36):
That's really easy for our mindto project onto other people
and it's false because we don'tknow what they're actually going
through inside.
And this is something thatpeople commonly talk about, and
so I'm sure you've heard aboutit before.
But take this as a friendlyreminder Don't compare yourself
(15:56):
to others.
Don't compare your insides toother people's outsides.
Sometimes somebody's goingthrough a really positive,
abundant season in life andyou're going through the crap
and ultimately, that crappyseason is going to make you
stronger, wiser, more capableand take you to where you want
to go.
But you got to work through itfirst and you don't know what's
(16:19):
really going on with that otherperson.
And so if you're in a roughpatch or rough season, it's not
always a bad thing.
It is an opportunity.
But comparison will rob yourhappiness from you.
Number four set boundaries.
Last week we talked aboutdetachment.
If you need help settingboundaries, go back to that
episode about detachment,because if you are everything to
(16:44):
everyone, you will have noenergy left to take care of
yourself.
And setting boundaries is notunkind, it's not cold and it
doesn't mean that you don't careabout the other person.
Setting boundaries is sayingthat you're going to prioritize
your needs in your care and thenyou're going to be available to
help others, and when you dothat, you're able to show up as
(17:06):
a more supportive, caring, openperson.
You're able to really be therefor them.
Instead of being there for themfor the wrong reasons, like
people pleasing, needing them toneed you, needing them to
validate you, needing them tolike you.
There's this kind of weirdfeeling that hangs out in
relationships when Our needsaren't met and we're depleted
(17:30):
and we keep on being the peoplepleaser.
It builds unhealthyrelationships instead of having
kind, loving, gentle detachmentin which you can trust that the
other person is on their ownjourney and that if you're not
available to help them, theywill figure out another way to
receive help.
This life has so many resourcesand so much abundance, and you
(17:52):
got to have faith that not onlycan you access those resources
and that abundance and thatyou're on the path that's right
for you, but it's so helpful toremember that other people are
on their path and followingwhat's right for them, even if
they're going through a hardtime.
So it's really important to setboundaries to protect your own
(18:12):
energy and then five, surroundyourself with loving people and
by working on self-love, thiswill become easier and easier
because you'll attract morejoyful, loving people, because
that is what you're working oninside and, like we talked about
(18:33):
, others are a mirror, areflection of us, and so the
more goodness you cultivatewithin, the more you're going to
attract that into your life andthe more you take care of
yourself first and show yourselflove first and take care of
your needs first, the more youcan truly be there for others in
a very healthy way, and thiswill create healthy
(18:56):
relationships for you.
And those healthy relationshipswill support you through good
times and bad, and they willhelp you feel less anxiety,
because anxiety tells us we'realone.
We're the only ones that feelthis way, because sometimes when
we feel anxious, we feel likewe're the only one who's
(19:17):
experiencing the kind ofstruggle we're experiencing.
We worry about the future.
We can worry that if we don'thave more control, if we don't
do things right, if we don'tkeep pushing, then things aren't
going to be okay.
But when we have a lovingconnection with ourself and with
(19:38):
others, there's trust, there'sstability and that quiets
anxiety naturally.
And we cannot truly loveanother until we love ourself
first.
So I want you to take a deepbreath and take that in.
We cannot truly love anotheruntil we love ourselves first.
(20:03):
That inner perfectionist isjust interfering with the good
that you can do today.
Just think about one thing youcan do today to cultivate that
self-love within you.
All right, I hope that youfound some insights into how you
(20:24):
can bring more self-love intoyour life and, again, those five
ways to practice self-love, areprioritizing your connection
with yourself.
That's number one.
Number two self-forgiveness.
Number three don't compareyourself to others.
Number four set boundaries.
And number five surroundyourself with loving people.
(20:46):
All right, thanks for hangingout with me today.
I look forward to talking toyou soon.
Until next time, take care.
Hi, I'm Alessandra Tolome hard, aka Mrs Hard, and
this is Hard Times no More, apodcast for people who are tired
of struggling with boundaries,people pleasing and relationship
problems.
I have overcome some hard times.
Within three years, I stoppeddrinking, my mom died of cancer
and my house burnt down in aCalifornia wildfire, and those
(00:22):
are just the highlights.
I have a lot of reasons to bemiserable, but I'm not.
The truth is, life was morechallenging before these events
happened.
If you are tired of waiting foryour circumstances to change to
find happiness and peace ofmind, you are in the right place
.
Join me as I share the tools Iuse and love to transform
(00:43):
challenges into assets andinterview others about their
relationship journeys.
Together, let's learn how tohave a happy life full of
healthy, meaningfulrelationships and say goodbye to
hard times for good.
Hey everyone, welcome to theHard Times no More relationship
(01:05):
podcast.
I'm Alessandra Tolome hard, akaMrs Hard, your host.
Today seemed like the perfectday to talk about self-love,
because Valentine's Day has justpassed and I'm sure you could
agree that a little bit moreself-love in your life would be
great.
So today I'm going to sharefive ways to release
(01:25):
perfectionism and create moreself-love, and when you create
more self-love, self-acceptance,self-compassion, you then, in
turn, have more patience,compassion and acceptance of
others, which creates happier,healthier relationships in your
life, which creates morestability and security.
(01:45):
So then you decrease stress,decrease anxiety and you feel
good within your own skin, andthen you feel good interacting
with others and it's a goodthing all around.
So first let's get on the samepage.
What does self-love really mean?
Well, if you look up on Google,it'll say that self-love means
(02:06):
having a high regard for yourown well-being and happiness.
Self-love means taking care ofyour needs and not sacrificing
your well-being to please others.
So, as we've talked about inother episodes, not making
others needs a priority overyour own.
That is true self-love.
(02:27):
But I was talking to one of myclients last week and we were
talking about her needs and howsometimes it's hard for us to
identify what our needs are.
And if you don't even know whatyour needs are yet, it's hard
to see if you're making them apriority or not.
So first let's cover what yourneeds may be.
(02:50):
Well, we have very basic needs.
We have food, shelter,financial security and that's
our baseline.
So first rule of thumb don't gohelp somebody else until your
basic needs are met, and a verysilly example of this is if
(03:10):
you've tried to be around afamily member, that triggers you
.
When you're angry, you know.
If your blood sugar is low, youhave less patience and they
just irritate you with everylittle thing they do.
They irritate you.
Just being themselves andchoosing to help them instead of
feed yourself first, take careof your basic needs, is making
(03:31):
their needs, or what they need,a priority over you.
So that's a silly but simpleexample of how that can play out
, and I'm assuming you don'tjust want to survive, you want
to thrive, right?
So what are the needs that youneed to discover to help you
thrive?
A simple way I have used tofigure this out is to think
(03:56):
about a time in your life whenyou felt your best but you
weren't on vacation.
What did your life look like?
What did you enjoy doing?
What did you look forward to?
Maybe you lived more in themoment.
Maybe you were very active andyou did yoga every day, and that
(04:17):
movement and that connectionwith that routine made you feel
really good, because it got youmotivated for the day and it was
a practice that you came backto.
It was a time ofself-reflection.
Or maybe it was a time whereyou could let everything go and
maybe that practice helped youfeel good in your body.
Or maybe you used to be more ofa free spirit and you would
(04:40):
work to travel.
You were always saving for yournext trip and you were
traveling to Thailand, europe,and you had all these ideas of
all the places you wanted to go,and that would really excite
your soul and it would help youget through the mundane.
And so how can you bring some ofthe energy from your past phase
, when you felt your best, intothis present time?
(05:03):
And it doesn't mean that youneed to do yoga every day, but
maybe you want to bring a littlebit more yoga into your life.
Or maybe you want to explore anew form of exercise and it
doesn't mean that you need toquit your job and travel all
over the world or make that yournumber one priority, but maybe
it's been a long time sinceyou've gone somewhere new or
(05:26):
gone exploring or adventuring,and that that really feeds your
soul.
So recognizing those needs arevery important, because when you
start to make those needs apriority in your life, you build
your self-esteem, you buildyour self-love and you build
your relationship, yourconnection with yourself, and
these are the things that youneed to thrive.
(05:48):
And making these kinds of needs, along with your baseline needs
, a priority will mean having ahigh regard for your own
well-being and your ownhappiness.
And once you check the box oflike, okay, I got my basics and
now I got my things that lightme up, bring me joy, give me
(06:08):
energy, make me excited aboutlife, now I can take care of
others, and sometimes it's justplanning that trip or showing up
to that yoga practice that day,especially if you know you're
going to have a challenginginteraction with someone else
later.
And then, by neglecting yourconnection with yourself over
and over again, it can propelyou to look outside of yourself
(06:31):
for validation and approval fromothers, and this can steer your
internal compass in the wrongdirection and it can create
unhealthy relationships.
Because when we're looking forexternal validation, sometimes
we'll do things we don't reallywant to do just to please others
, to be the good daughter, thegood partner, the good friend.
(06:55):
And this people-pleasing cancause us to, and this
people-pleasing can cause you tonot say what's on your heart
and your mind, because you don'twant to rock the boat, you
don't want to upset others andso you continue to shove it down
.
And that is subliminally sayingto yourself that you know what
you have to say isn't important,which makes it hard for you to
(07:19):
have healthy connections andhealthy communication with
others.
Also, if you have a poorrelationship with yourself, you
can tend to be more critical ofothers because you're so
critical of yourself.
And this leads me to talk aboutperfectionism, which I think
steals so much self-love.
Perfectionism is usually acoping mechanism.
(07:41):
The deep, deep root ofperfectionism is a fear of not
being enough, fear of not beingaccepted, fear of being seen
negatively by others, of notbelonging.
And when you struggle withperfectionism it's a
never-ending battle.
(08:01):
You can never do things wellenough to satisfy that inner
perfectionist, and thatperfectionism robs your ability
to accept yourself as who youare in the moment.
It can rob your ability to rest, because sometimes it keeps you
on the go all the time, alwaysstriving for more, instead of
(08:22):
feeling satisfied with the lifethat you have now.
Perfectionism can drive you toset unattainable goals and then
wonder why you didn't meet yourmark.
And then, when we have thisinternal perfectionism, it
trickles out to others, like Italked about, it becomes
(08:43):
critical and then it's hard forus to have peace in our
relationships because we may beharboring some silent
expectations of others, wantingthem to be different than who
they are.
And when we want ourselves tobe different than who we are, or
someone else to be differentthan who they are, it's really
(09:03):
hard to have a peacefulrelationship.
And so a solution though it isa journey to perfectionism and
cultivating more self-love isacceptance.
And, like I said, acceptance isa journey, but that is actually
where we want to get, insteadof like overwhelming joy and
(09:25):
happiness.
Those things are wonderful, butreally acceptance of who we are
and how our life is right nowis what creates peace in our
life and what opens the door formore self-love.
So I'm going to share with youfive ways to call in more
self-love, to practice self-love, to find that acceptance with
(09:49):
yourself.
So first, prioritize yourconnection with yourself.
Understand your basic needs,understand what lights you up,
and if you don't know what thatis, think of it as an adventure,
a journey to see what you likeat this time in your life, right
now.
Maybe you find that you reallyenjoy cooking and you take a
(10:12):
couple cooking classes just tospice it up, to learn something
new.
Maybe you do it by yourself oryou ask one of your good friends
to join you.
Maybe you start walking in themorning and you set aside 30
minutes to walk when the sun'srising.
I go for sunrise walks and, ohmy gosh, it is an amazing start
to the day.
Everything is so quiet, everymorning is so different and
(10:36):
there's so much peace out there.
So a great way to prioritizeconnection with yourself is
through meditation and writing.
When I was brainstorming ideasfor this episode today, I did a
little writing and I askedmyself some journaling questions
.
I asked myself do I love myself?
(10:56):
I asked myself if I havecompassion for myself.
I asked myself what wouldhaving more self-love look like
for me?
And when writing, I imaginedthat myself was a different
person, like a good friend ofmine, and tried to view myself
(11:17):
as a secondary entity, asanother person, so that I could
have compassion for that personin the journey they've been
through and really connect withthat feeling of compassion.
And for me, creating that space, making that shift in
perspective, calms down anyblocks or barriers.
(11:37):
I have to the topic of self-love, because sometimes self-love
can feel a little icky to talkabout.
It can make your mind go to egoand being full of yourself and
being somebody who needs a lotof attention or is really
prideful or very overlyconfident, and that's not the
(11:58):
self-love we're talking about.
It's more of a soft, gentlelove, a place of unconditional
love, because that's what wereally want from others, right,
and so creating that connectionwith ourselves first creates an
opening in which we can attractthat conditional love into our
life, because we'll recognize it, because we have it for
(12:20):
ourselves, and then we're somuch easier on ourself if we
shift into this more positiveperspective.
We have less anxiety, lessstress, because we can see that
we're just humans doing the bestwe can living this life, and it
takes the pressure off of ourbacks to always perform and
always push and always do better.
(12:41):
So if you decide to do thesewriting prompts, which I highly
suggest, ask yourself thesequestions Do you love yourself?
Do you have compassion foryourself?
What would having moreself-love in your life look like
for you?
Pretend you're writing to agood friend and when you write,
instead of just thinking aboutit, it does something different
(13:04):
to your brain.
Your brain goes into more of alearning and processing mode and
you're able to retain whatyou've written about more than
if you're just thinking about it, because if you're like me, you
may have 100 thoughts an hour,it seems like, or maybe a
thousand thoughts an hour, andso it goes in one ear and out
the other.
(13:24):
But when you put pen to paper,that's when the magic truly
happens and it sticks with youlonger after you're writing.
So, number one prioritize yourconnection with yourself in
whatever way feels good for you.
And then, number two,self-forgiveness is so important
(13:46):
in cultivating self-love.
And again, you can do this as awriting exercise.
If there is anything you resentyourself for or are frustrated
with yourself about, take sometime to write it out.
Write about your frustration,write about why you're
frustrated and write about whatyou wish you would have done,
(14:10):
and see if you can call in somecompassion into this space and
look at it as if you were onceagain a good friend, not
yourself, because we're easieron ourselves when we view us as
a good friend, as a separateentity instead of ourselves,
because that perfectionist willcome in and tell you you could
have done this better.
(14:30):
If only you did X, y, z, thenthe certain outcome in the
situation would have gone better.
But these are inquiries.
And then, once you write aboutanything, you resent any hard
feelings you have why See if youneed to forgive yourself and
then write an apology toyourself and decide on an action
(14:53):
you can take to kind of make itup to yourself again.
Maybe it's taking that time tospend time with yourself and
reconnect with yourself daily.
Maybe it's making your needs apriority and really following
through with it this time.
What is it that you can do?
What is one thing you canchange that would bring that
forgiveness, that self-love,that compassion into your life
(15:15):
today?
And then, number three don'tcompare yourself to others.
It is easy to compare ourinsides to other people's
outsides.
You may see them on Instagramliving their best life.
They may seem like they havelots of money and free time at
the same time and that theydon't experience the same
struggles you do.
(15:36):
That's really easy for our mindto project onto other people
and it's false because we don'tknow what they're actually going
through inside.
And this is something thatpeople commonly talk about, and
so I'm sure you've heard aboutit before.
But take this as a friendlyreminder Don't compare yourself
(15:56):
to others.
Don't compare your insides toother people's outsides.
Sometimes somebody's goingthrough a really positive,
abundant season in life andyou're going through the crap
and ultimately, that crappyseason is going to make you
stronger, wiser, more capableand take you to where you want
to go.
But you got to work through itfirst and you don't know what's
(16:19):
really going on with that otherperson.
And so if you're in a roughpatch or rough season, it's not
always a bad thing.
It is an opportunity.
But comparison will rob yourhappiness from you.
Number four set boundaries.
Last week we talked aboutdetachment.
If you need help settingboundaries, go back to that
episode about detachment,because if you are everything to
(16:44):
everyone, you will have noenergy left to take care of
yourself.
And setting boundaries is notunkind, it's not cold and it
doesn't mean that you don't careabout the other person.
Setting boundaries is sayingthat you're going to prioritize
your needs in your care and thenyou're going to be available to
help others, and when you dothat, you're able to show up as
(17:06):
a more supportive, caring, openperson.
You're able to really be therefor them.
Instead of being there for themfor the wrong reasons, like
people pleasing, needing them toneed you, needing them to
validate you, needing them tolike you.
There's this kind of weirdfeeling that hangs out in
relationships when Our needsaren't met and we're depleted
(17:30):
and we keep on being the peoplepleaser.
It builds unhealthyrelationships instead of having
kind, loving, gentle detachmentin which you can trust that the
other person is on their ownjourney and that if you're not
available to help them, theywill figure out another way to
receive help.
This life has so many resourcesand so much abundance, and you
(17:52):
got to have faith that not onlycan you access those resources
and that abundance and thatyou're on the path that's right
for you, but it's so helpful toremember that other people are
on their path and followingwhat's right for them, even if
they're going through a hardtime.
So it's really important to setboundaries to protect your own
(18:12):
energy and then five, surroundyourself with loving people and
by working on self-love, thiswill become easier and easier
because you'll attract morejoyful, loving people, because
that is what you're working oninside and, like we talked about
(18:33):
, others are a mirror, areflection of us, and so the
more goodness you cultivatewithin, the more you're going to
attract that into your life andthe more you take care of
yourself first and show yourselflove first and take care of
your needs first, the more youcan truly be there for others in
a very healthy way, and thiswill create healthy
(18:56):
relationships for you.
And those healthy relationshipswill support you through good
times and bad, and they willhelp you feel less anxiety,
because anxiety tells us we'realone.
We're the only ones that feelthis way, because sometimes when
we feel anxious, we feel likewe're the only one who's
(19:17):
experiencing the kind ofstruggle we're experiencing.
We worry about the future.
We can worry that if we don'thave more control, if we don't
do things right, if we don'tkeep pushing, then things aren't
going to be okay.
But when we have a lovingconnection with ourself and with
(19:38):
others, there's trust, there'sstability and that quiets
anxiety naturally.
And we cannot truly loveanother until we love ourself
first.
So I want you to take a deepbreath and take that in.
We cannot truly love anotheruntil we love ourselves first.
(20:03):
That inner perfectionist isjust interfering with the good
that you can do today.
Just think about one thing youcan do today to cultivate that
self-love within you.
All right, I hope that youfound some insights into how you
(20:24):
can bring more self-love intoyour life and, again, those five
ways to practice self-love, areprioritizing your connection
with yourself.
That's number one.
Number two self-forgiveness.
Number three don't compareyourself to others.
Number four set boundaries.
And number five surroundyourself with loving people.
(20:46):
All right, thanks for hangingout with me today.
I look forward to talking toyou soon.
Until next time, take care.
Popular Podcasts
Bookmarked by Reese's Book Club
Welcome to Bookmarked by Reese’s Book Club — the podcast where great stories, bold women, and irresistible conversations collide! Hosted by award-winning journalist Danielle Robay, each week new episodes balance thoughtful literary insight with the fervor of buzzy book trends, pop culture and more. Bookmarked brings together celebrities, tastemakers, influencers and authors from Reese's Book Club and beyond to share stories that transcend the page. Pull up a chair. You’re not just listening — you’re part of the conversation.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com