May 20, 2024 • 25 mins
Have you ever wondered if the energy you're putting into your relationships is actually helpful, or if it's just making you the one they always rely on?
If your answer is “YES!”, I’ve got a treat for you this week—a special “BEST OF" podcast episode!
This one is a fan favorite, and it's all about a topic that you, as a generous soul, may struggle with: helping versus enabling.
In this episode, we'll dive into how you can truly help others without sacrificing your peace of mind. Because without these healthy boundaries, burnt-out and resentment are inevitable.
And, believe it or not, you can have the best of both worlds.
You can help others and take care of yourself.
Here's why you won't want to miss it:
- Learn how to notice and change enabling patterns in your relationships for more peace, energy, and patience.
- Discover the key differences between enabling and helping—because that line can be a little blurry.
- Find out how you can be kind and helpful without being a doormat.
- Hear essential questions you must consider to keep yourself out of the enabling zone.
- Shift your behavior for better self-care while still building loving and caring relationships.
- Explore why it's kind to let yourself off the hook while empowering others to help themselves instead of always being the one they rely on.
Remember, changing a relationship starts with just one person—YOU.
So, tune in, and let's build healthy, joyful relationships and say goodbye to enabling for good!
Click HERE to Sign up for the Awaken Retreat, while spots are still available!
Website: Mrs. Hard.com
Instagram: Mrs.Hard_TimesNoMore
Facebook: Mrs.Hard
Click HERE to set up your FREE 30-Minute 1:1 Coaching Session
Discover how to step off the chaos roller coaster and finally have peace of mind.
Sign up for my free 3-day coaching series—Stepping Off The Chaos Roller Coaster: 3 Simple Steps For Anxiety Relief
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey there, welcome to the Hard Times.
No More Relationship Podcast.
I'm Alessandra Ptolemy Hard,aka Mrs Hard, your host this
week.
I have another special best ofpodcast episode just for you.
This episode is called Are youEnabling or Helping Others in
(00:20):
your Relationships, in yourrelationships?
This is a very importantquestion for heart-centered,
compassionate caregivers andthis is one of my most
downloaded podcast episodes, andI'm sure you can see why just
from the title.
So in this episode we're goingto get some clarity on a topic
(00:41):
that you may be struggling withhelping versus enabling and how
to tell the difference.
In this episode, we'll discusshow you can be truly helpful to
others without sacrificing yourneeds and your peace of mind.
And this is the perfect time toreplay this episode because on
(01:02):
Sunday, june 2nd 2024, dr DebbieVictoria Seale and I are
hosting the Awaken Retreat from1 pm to 5 pm in downtown Napa.
Taking time for yourself is anon-negotiable.
If you are of service to others, whether it's your family or
your job, it's so easy to putyourself last on the priority
(01:25):
list, but that leads to burnoutand resentment because you let
your energy go to others withoutreplenishing your own cup.
At the Awaken Retreat, you'llexperience deep restoration from
hands-on healing, aura healing,transmedium healing, and you'll
see how you can continue totake care of yourself and remove
blocks that are standing inyour way.
(01:46):
With the Find your Flowworkshop.
This afternoon of self-carewill sow the seeds of being able
to give from a truly generousplace because you've put your
oxygen mask on first.
So join us on June 2nd, whichis a Sunday, from 1 to 5 pm in
(02:06):
downtown Napa, and as I'mrecording this podcast intro, we
only have three spots left.
Yes, only three.
You can find the link in theshow notes or on my website at
mrs-hardcom.
Now let's jump into this week'sbest of episode.
Hi, I'm Alessandra Tolome Hard,aka Mrs Hard, and this is Hard
(02:29):
Times no More, a podcast forpeople who are tired of
struggling with boundaries,people-pleasing and relationship
problems.
I have overcome some hard times.
Within three years, I stoppeddrinking, my mom died of cancer
and my house burnt down in aCalifornia wildfire, and those
are just the highlights.
I have a lot of reasons to bemiserable, but I'm not.
(02:50):
The truth is, life was morechallenging before these events
happened.
If you are tired of waiting foryour circumstances to change to
find happiness and peace ofmind, you are in the right place
.
Join me as I share the tools Iuse and love to transform
challenges into assets andinterview others about their
relationship journeys.
(03:11):
Together, let's learn how tohave a happy life full of
healthy, meaningfulrelationships and say goodbye to
hard times for good.
Hey everyone, welcome to theHard Times no More Relationship
Podcast.
I'm Mrs Hard, your host.
I want to take a moment tothank everyone who's been
(03:33):
listening to this podcast.
Thank you so much for yoursupport and love.
I really appreciate you and Ilove being on this adventure
with you.
And today we're going to chatabout the difference between
helping and enabling.
Many people I've worked withhave asked me to describe the
difference, because they tend tohang out on the enabling side
(03:57):
of the spectrum and they want tostop this behavior because it
creates a vicious cycle wheretheir family member, their
friend or significant othercan't seem to do X, y and Z
without them, and this createsanxiety and stress in the
relationship, specifically forthe helper, because they develop
the narrative that they have tohelp.
(04:18):
They have no other choice.
Their loved one can't functionwithout them, and maybe this
behavior started out assomething nice they were doing
for the person but then laterturned into an obligation,
another thing on their platethat they have to take care of
and manage.
So first, enabling alwaysstarts out with good intentions.
(04:39):
The helper might just thinkit'll be easier if I do it.
Or they participate in enablingbehavior because they just want
to keep the peace, they wanteveryone to be happy.
Sometimes for a short period itdoes create peace, but then it's
kind of like a sugar hit.
If you eat a bunch of candy,you feel really, really good
(05:02):
while the sugar is hitting you,but then comes the crash and you
have less energy before you atethe candy.
Maybe you're in an energy hole,a deficit.
This similar cycle happens withenabling, because most of the
time the person who needs helpexpects more and more help,
(05:22):
slowly, over time, and thegiving person is not receiving.
They're just giving andbecoming depleted.
And I'm sure you've realizedthat your anxiety ramps up when
you're spread too thin, whenyour energy is going in many
different directions.
So if you're feeling anxious,check in with yourself and check
(05:45):
in with your commitments.
Are you acting as an enabler inany area of your life?
And changing a pattern likethis with somebody can give you
time and energy.
It can give you peace of mindand you can have healthier
relationships, even with aperson that you've had a long
history of struggle in therelationship or just an
(06:06):
imbalance, and there's a way toshift your relationship.
That isn't mean or cold.
It may be a littleuncomfortable at first,
especially depending on how longthis behavior has been
happening in your relationship,but on the other side of
discomfort is freedom, and thisis why we walk through the fire
(06:28):
around here, instead of lettingour egos keep us down.
Remember your ego is the voicein your head that tells you you
can't change.
Life will always be hard.
It's the negative, nancy, thatkeeps you stuck.
So don't listen to it.
And if you hear that voice inyour head, just know that's your
ego trying to keep you whereyou are.
(06:48):
So let's get into how to stayin the helping zone and stay
away from enabling behaviors.
Let's get clear on thedefinition of helping versus
enabling, so we're on the samepage.
The definition of helpingHelping is making something
easier for someone or doingsomething by offering one's
(07:10):
services or resources.
Also, I'll add that whenhelping, consider if you were
asked to help or did you insertyourself, because it would just
be easier if you do it or youwant to do it right and you
don't trust others to get thejob done.
I have worked with people whofeel like in a relationship,
(07:31):
they're the person who has to doeverything.
They have to make the plans,they have to schedule the
cleaning chores if the house isgoing to get cleaned, and that
started from them wanting tohelp their significant other,
their family member, toparticipate in the chores or the
responsibilities, or theywanted to make the relationship
(07:54):
more exciting.
But it becomes a burden and itbecomes an obligation and an
expected responsibility, wherein the beginning it might've
started as helping and itenables the relationship that
they really want a more balancedrelationship.
And consider if you are trulyavailable when offering help.
Does your schedule have thetime for you to help?
(08:16):
Do you have an expectation inregards to the outcome, like, if
I help this person, then thiswill happen, and do you find
yourself getting resentful ifthat doesn't happen?
Consider these things whenyou're offering help.
And now for the definition ofenabling.
To enable is to give someone orsomething the authority or
(08:39):
means of doing something, tomake it possible to do something
they couldn't do without you.
But the catch is they rely onyou instead of finding their own
resources.
And let's zone in on the keydifferences here, because these
two definitions sound verysimilar because they are, but
the difference is when you'rehelping, you are making it
(09:02):
easier for someone keywordeasier, and when you're enabling
, you are giving someone themeans to do something, you are
making it possible for them todo something instead of
assisting.
And these are just generaldefinitions.
But in regards to relationshipsand keeping your energetic cup
(09:23):
full, enabling relationships areone-sided.
They are not fulfilling.
It's like you are trying tokeep a person afloat and what
starts as something nice turnsinto an obligation, like I said
before.
For example, let's say you havea friend that doesn't have a
job and they ask to borrow money.
This friend has a history ofnot paying you back and they
(09:46):
haven't had a job in a long timeand they don't have a lot of
motivation to get a job or tochange their situation.
Maybe they blame theircircumstances, the people in
their lives or the job market,some of which may be true, but
you may also know that this is astory that they're telling
themselves they could get a job.
Maybe it's not the exact jobthey want, but they could become
(10:09):
self-supporting and when theyask you for money.
You feel guilty and like youhave to give it to them because
you see that they're stuck andthey're hurting and maybe you
don't have the extra funds togive, but you give them money
anyways because you feel bad forthem.
When you lend them money, youare enabling them to continue to
not be self-sufficient.
You are supporting theirnarrative.
(10:31):
With your action of giving themmoney, you are validating that
their circumstances are againstthem and there's no way to
survive other than to borrowmoney from friends.
Maybe they tell you they don'teven like borrowing money from
friends, but they have you.
They don't even like borrowingmoney from friends, but they
have to.
They have no other option andthey can't pay you back because
(10:52):
they don't have any money.
How can you turn this from anenabling situation into a
helping situation?
Well, instead of offering money,you can offer to set them up
with a job that you may knowthat's available.
Maybe your friend works at abookstore and they need somebody
at the front to help people payfor books and you set them up
(11:15):
with your friend for that job.
Or maybe you loan them someclothes for an interview, or you
offer to help them look for ajob and talk to them about.
You know.
You understand that it's scaryor that they might not get the
job that they really want, butthey could get something else
and maybe that will turn into avery positive experience.
(11:35):
That's unexpected, so you canacknowledge their concerns and
be there for them, to supportthem, instead of just giving
them resources.
And when you do that, when youjust give them resources instead
of supporting them in a moresustaining path, you are keeping
them from creating their ownsustainability.
(11:56):
Now we can expect that theperson may rebel and say it's
not possible to change and giveyou a thousand different reasons
why the world is against themand that their only solution
right now is to receive moneyfrom other people.
This is the hard part.
It is more loving to let themfail.
I know no one likes hearingthat.
(12:18):
That's not a popular idea, butI'm sure that will resonate in
your heart and you might eventake a deep breath and be like
oh man, I know Like actuallyletting them struggle is more
loving and the person may justask someone else.
But let's unpack why allowingstruggle isn't unkind First.
(12:40):
Personally, I can tell you thatI am so grateful that I have had
to struggle.
I had friends who enabled mefor a long time with my drinking
.
I would cry that if you had mylife, you would act like I do.
I blame people, places andthings for what was wrong in my
life.
My ego had me hooked.
I truly believed I was doomed,there was no way out, and this
(13:05):
was before my mom was diagnosedwith cancer.
This was before my house burntdown.
Most of my blocks andchallenges I mean like 90% of
them were in my mind and I had awhole bunch of reasons why I
could justify them.
I am so grateful that I hit abottom and needed to change that
.
Things got so challenging in mylife that the fear of the
(13:28):
unknown was less than the fearsthat I had around staying where
I was at.
Walking through my challengeshas made me stronger, wiser and
more content with the simplethings in life.
And I have seen this sametransformation in the people
I've worked with, and I knowwhat you may be thinking wow,
(13:49):
this person in my life who needshelp should really go see you,
which sure, I would love to workwith them.
But what about you?
In my experience, what I see inothers is that when they are
really focused on someone else.
Sometimes it's because they areavoiding their own issues or
hurt.
I have definitely done this.
It's also easier to point tosomeone else and say I'm not
(14:13):
that bad or justify I don't havethe time, my life is mostly
together, like I'm getting along, I'm fine and I get it.
I was there too, but don'tjustify that or let that block
you from getting the help andsupport you need to shift your
life or shift patterns and movetowards a life you really want,
(14:35):
because you don't have to feeldoomed.
I felt doomed for many, manyyears and struggled with severe
anxiety, and that's what I workwith a lot of people around is
how to overcome that anxiety andhow that transfers into their
relationships, because when wehave support in life, life is so
much easier to get through.
So, anyways, let's get back toenabling.
(14:55):
It's not mean to let someonehave challenges in life or to
not give them what they wantfrom you.
If you are in a situation likethis, ask yourself do you have
the resources to help?
In the money example, would itcause you stress if you were
never paid back?
Is there an expectationattached to your giving?
(15:18):
Like if the person promisesthis is the last time they'll
ask for money and they're usingit to buy gas to an interview.
Maybe they are telling thetruth, maybe not.
Would you feel resentful if youfound out that they were using
the money for another purpose?
So let's recap Helping isoffering assistance that will
(15:39):
most likely lead to themstanding on their own two feet
without expectations.
Enabling is giving resources tosomeone that keeps them where
they are.
Money is an easy example, andthese same principles can be
applied to emotions.
So let's say you have a friendwho only calls you in crisis.
They don't engage with you verymuch when things are going well
(16:01):
or when they have a new partner.
They don't ask how you are andthey don't support you in your
ups and downs.
They only call when they have anew partner.
They don't ask how you are andthey don't support you in your
ups and downs.
They only call when they have aproblem and need you to fix it,
or listen to them vent forhours.
With someone like this, you mayhear about the same thing over
and over again.
Let's say they are in a toxicrelationship and every time they
call you they're about to leavetheir partner because this time
(16:25):
is really bad.
But after a week of taking youon this emotional roller coaster
.
They go silent or they tell youthat they've made up and things
really weren't as bad as theysaid they were, that their
partner has promised to changeand things are going to be
different this time.
Now, this is a hard one to setboundaries because, though you
hate to admit it, maybe you likesaving the day and being the
(16:49):
one others can rely on.
It may feel validating, butthen you find that when you're
struggling, you can't talk aboutit, especially not with them,
because they aren't available orthe pattern is that you're the
strong one, so your emotionsaren't being acknowledged as
seriously.
Also, when your friend calls incrisis, you feel like you can't
(17:11):
just ignore them.
They may be in danger,emotionally or physically, and
maybe this will be the time thatthey really do leave the toxic
relationship.
The enabling behavior here isallowing the friendship to be
one-sided and by not having thetough conversation you need to
have with this person.
And let me reiterate that allenabling starts with good
(17:33):
intentions.
We all get sucked into enablingbehaviors throughout life and
most of the time we don'trealize it.
I've been on both sides and Ihave enabled really unhealthy
behaviors in relationships foryears and I've been the succubus
, taking other people's energyand not adding to the
relationships.
So how do you shift enablingbehavior to helping behavior in
(17:58):
an emotional situation like this?
Well, let's clarify what doeshelping look like In this
situation?
I would suggest start byclarifying your needs.
Bring it back to yourself.
If you could wave a magic wand,what would you want your
relationship to look like?
Would you want your friend tocall to see how you're doing or
(18:19):
make plans to spend timetogether without bringing up the
toxic relationship inconversation?
How can you create a healthybond with this person instead of
a negative bond?
Because these rollercoasteremotional rides in our
relationship do create a feelingof like a bondedness with the
person, but it's not asustainable bond and it's not
(18:43):
building the relationship thatyou really want bond and it's
not building the relationshipthat you really want.
Are you afraid to set a boundaryaround this behavior?
Are you afraid you'll lose thefriendship or the connection you
have with that person?
Really consider this andconsider the root.
Where is this coming from?
Is this really what you want?
And then try having aheart-to-heart with the other
(19:05):
person, seeing if they arewilling to have a different kind
of relationship If, when thisfriend usually calls you, cancel
plans with others or you leavework early to come to the rescue
, you can set a personalboundary to not answer calls or
texts until you have time.
Maybe you put theirnotifications on silent and when
(19:28):
this friend reaches out, takesome time to pause before
responding.
Let this person know ahead oftime that you are very busy and
may not be able to respond assoon as you have been.
And it's not because you don'tcare, it's just you don't have a
lot of time right now.
In a conversation like this, aheart-to-heart and then placing
(19:52):
some boundaries in effect may bea wake-up call to your friend,
and it may not be.
It's important to not holdexpectations that the other
person is going to change.
You are not withdrawing fromthem to punish them or teach
them a lesson.
You are shifting to prioritizeyour own self-care, and
(20:14):
self-care isn't always bubblebaths and spa days.
Self-care is saying what youneed to say and having the tough
conversations where you honoryourself, your needs.
The other person doesn't needto understand or feel good about
what you are doing.
You need to feel good aboutwhat you're doing, especially in
the long run.
(20:34):
So, to recap in emotionalsituations.
Enabling is allowing a toxic,harmful or imbalanced behavior
to perpetuate, where you'redoing a lot of giving, you're
not receiving and you don't feelgood about the relationship.
Helping is building a trulysupportive, balanced
(20:56):
relationship and putting yourown needs first before someone
else's needs, and this isn'tselfish.
When done in the right way, itcreates support and a healthy
relationship.
And there's a lot to unpackhere and everyone's situation is
unique.
So if you want to dive intothis a little bit deeper,
(21:17):
schedule a free 30 minute callwith me.
The link to schedule that callwill be in the show notes and
you can find out how to contactme and work with me on my
website at mrs-hardcom.
I love getting nitty gritty inthese podcast sessions and my
wish for you is that you havethe life you want, that you are
(21:41):
able to release habits that areweighing you down and replace
them with supportive patternsthat give you a gift wisdom that
comes from the hard times and aplan to navigate life's ups and
downs.
You can replace negativeself-talk with the belief that
anything is possible for you.
You deserve happiness, youdeserve peace.
(22:04):
You are enough.
Right now, you can defineyourself from within instead of
your usefulness to others.
So with that, I hope it's clearunderstanding the difference
between enabling and helpingbehaviors, so that you can stay
on the helping side of thespectrum instead of journeying
(22:27):
into the depleting enabling side.
All right, that's all I got fortoday and I hope you have a
wonderful day and I look forwardto talking to you soon.
Take care.
Hey there, welcome to the Hard Times.
No More Relationship Podcast.
I'm Alessandra Ptolemy Hard,aka Mrs Hard, your host this
week.
I have another special best ofpodcast episode just for you.
This episode is called Are youEnabling or Helping Others in
(00:20):
your Relationships, in yourrelationships?
This is a very importantquestion for heart-centered,
compassionate caregivers andthis is one of my most
downloaded podcast episodes, andI'm sure you can see why just
from the title.
So in this episode we're goingto get some clarity on a topic
(00:41):
that you may be struggling withhelping versus enabling and how
to tell the difference.
In this episode, we'll discusshow you can be truly helpful to
others without sacrificing yourneeds and your peace of mind.
And this is the perfect time toreplay this episode because on
(01:02):
Sunday, june 2nd 2024, dr DebbieVictoria Seale and I are
hosting the Awaken Retreat from1 pm to 5 pm in downtown Napa.
Taking time for yourself is anon-negotiable.
If you are of service to others, whether it's your family or
your job, it's so easy to putyourself last on the priority
(01:25):
list, but that leads to burnoutand resentment because you let
your energy go to others withoutreplenishing your own cup.
At the Awaken Retreat, you'llexperience deep restoration from
hands-on healing, aura healing,transmedium healing, and you'll
see how you can continue totake care of yourself and remove
blocks that are standing inyour way.
(01:46):
With the Find your Flowworkshop.
This afternoon of self-carewill sow the seeds of being able
to give from a truly generousplace because you've put your
oxygen mask on first.
So join us on June 2nd, whichis a Sunday, from 1 to 5 pm in
(02:06):
downtown Napa, and as I'mrecording this podcast intro, we
only have three spots left.
Yes, only three.
You can find the link in theshow notes or on my website at
mrs-hardcom.
Now let's jump into this week'sbest of episode.
Hi, I'm Alessandra Tolome Hard,aka Mrs Hard, and this is Hard
(02:29):
Times no More, a podcast forpeople who are tired of
struggling with boundaries,people-pleasing and relationship
problems.
I have overcome some hard times.
Within three years, I stoppeddrinking, my mom died of cancer
and my house burnt down in aCalifornia wildfire, and those
are just the highlights.
I have a lot of reasons to bemiserable, but I'm not.
(02:50):
The truth is, life was morechallenging before these events
happened.
If you are tired of waiting foryour circumstances to change to
find happiness and peace ofmind, you are in the right place
.
Join me as I share the tools Iuse and love to transform
challenges into assets andinterview others about their
relationship journeys.
(03:11):
Together, let's learn how tohave a happy life full of
healthy, meaningfulrelationships and say goodbye to
hard times for good.
Hey everyone, welcome to theHard Times no More Relationship
Podcast.
I'm Mrs Hard, your host.
I want to take a moment tothank everyone who's been
(03:33):
listening to this podcast.
Thank you so much for yoursupport and love.
I really appreciate you and Ilove being on this adventure
with you.
And today we're going to chatabout the difference between
helping and enabling.
Many people I've worked withhave asked me to describe the
difference, because they tend tohang out on the enabling side
(03:57):
of the spectrum and they want tostop this behavior because it
creates a vicious cycle wheretheir family member, their
friend or significant othercan't seem to do X, y and Z
without them, and this createsanxiety and stress in the
relationship, specifically forthe helper, because they develop
the narrative that they have tohelp.
(04:18):
They have no other choice.
Their loved one can't functionwithout them, and maybe this
behavior started out assomething nice they were doing
for the person but then laterturned into an obligation,
another thing on their platethat they have to take care of
and manage.
So first, enabling alwaysstarts out with good intentions.
(04:39):
The helper might just thinkit'll be easier if I do it.
Or they participate in enablingbehavior because they just want
to keep the peace, they wanteveryone to be happy.
Sometimes for a short period itdoes create peace, but then it's
kind of like a sugar hit.
If you eat a bunch of candy,you feel really, really good
(05:02):
while the sugar is hitting you,but then comes the crash and you
have less energy before you atethe candy.
Maybe you're in an energy hole,a deficit.
This similar cycle happens withenabling, because most of the
time the person who needs helpexpects more and more help,
(05:22):
slowly, over time, and thegiving person is not receiving.
They're just giving andbecoming depleted.
And I'm sure you've realizedthat your anxiety ramps up when
you're spread too thin, whenyour energy is going in many
different directions.
So if you're feeling anxious,check in with yourself and check
(05:45):
in with your commitments.
Are you acting as an enabler inany area of your life?
And changing a pattern likethis with somebody can give you
time and energy.
It can give you peace of mindand you can have healthier
relationships, even with aperson that you've had a long
history of struggle in therelationship or just an
(06:06):
imbalance, and there's a way toshift your relationship.
That isn't mean or cold.
It may be a littleuncomfortable at first,
especially depending on how longthis behavior has been
happening in your relationship,but on the other side of
discomfort is freedom, and thisis why we walk through the fire
(06:28):
around here, instead of lettingour egos keep us down.
Remember your ego is the voicein your head that tells you you
can't change.
Life will always be hard.
It's the negative, nancy, thatkeeps you stuck.
So don't listen to it.
And if you hear that voice inyour head, just know that's your
ego trying to keep you whereyou are.
(06:48):
So let's get into how to stayin the helping zone and stay
away from enabling behaviors.
Let's get clear on thedefinition of helping versus
enabling, so we're on the samepage.
The definition of helpingHelping is making something
easier for someone or doingsomething by offering one's
(07:10):
services or resources.
Also, I'll add that whenhelping, consider if you were
asked to help or did you insertyourself, because it would just
be easier if you do it or youwant to do it right and you
don't trust others to get thejob done.
I have worked with people whofeel like in a relationship,
(07:31):
they're the person who has to doeverything.
They have to make the plans,they have to schedule the
cleaning chores if the house isgoing to get cleaned, and that
started from them wanting tohelp their significant other,
their family member, toparticipate in the chores or the
responsibilities, or theywanted to make the relationship
(07:54):
more exciting.
But it becomes a burden and itbecomes an obligation and an
expected responsibility, wherein the beginning it might've
started as helping and itenables the relationship that
they really want a more balancedrelationship.
And consider if you are trulyavailable when offering help.
Does your schedule have thetime for you to help?
(08:16):
Do you have an expectation inregards to the outcome, like, if
I help this person, then thiswill happen, and do you find
yourself getting resentful ifthat doesn't happen?
Consider these things whenyou're offering help.
And now for the definition ofenabling.
To enable is to give someone orsomething the authority or
(08:39):
means of doing something, tomake it possible to do something
they couldn't do without you.
But the catch is they rely onyou instead of finding their own
resources.
And let's zone in on the keydifferences here, because these
two definitions sound verysimilar because they are, but
the difference is when you'rehelping, you are making it
(09:02):
easier for someone keywordeasier, and when you're enabling
, you are giving someone themeans to do something, you are
making it possible for them todo something instead of
assisting.
And these are just generaldefinitions.
But in regards to relationshipsand keeping your energetic cup
(09:23):
full, enabling relationships areone-sided.
They are not fulfilling.
It's like you are trying tokeep a person afloat and what
starts as something nice turnsinto an obligation, like I said
before.
For example, let's say you havea friend that doesn't have a
job and they ask to borrow money.
This friend has a history ofnot paying you back and they
(09:46):
haven't had a job in a long timeand they don't have a lot of
motivation to get a job or tochange their situation.
Maybe they blame theircircumstances, the people in
their lives or the job market,some of which may be true, but
you may also know that this is astory that they're telling
themselves they could get a job.
Maybe it's not the exact jobthey want, but they could become
(10:09):
self-supporting and when theyask you for money.
You feel guilty and like youhave to give it to them because
you see that they're stuck andthey're hurting and maybe you
don't have the extra funds togive, but you give them money
anyways because you feel bad forthem.
When you lend them money, youare enabling them to continue to
not be self-sufficient.
You are supporting theirnarrative.
(10:31):
With your action of giving themmoney, you are validating that
their circumstances are againstthem and there's no way to
survive other than to borrowmoney from friends.
Maybe they tell you they don'teven like borrowing money from
friends, but they have you.
They don't even like borrowingmoney from friends, but they
have to.
They have no other option andthey can't pay you back because
(10:52):
they don't have any money.
How can you turn this from anenabling situation into a
helping situation?
Well, instead of offering money,you can offer to set them up
with a job that you may knowthat's available.
Maybe your friend works at abookstore and they need somebody
at the front to help people payfor books and you set them up
(11:15):
with your friend for that job.
Or maybe you loan them someclothes for an interview, or you
offer to help them look for ajob and talk to them about.
You know.
You understand that it's scaryor that they might not get the
job that they really want, butthey could get something else
and maybe that will turn into avery positive experience.
(11:35):
That's unexpected, so you canacknowledge their concerns and
be there for them, to supportthem, instead of just giving
them resources.
And when you do that, when youjust give them resources instead
of supporting them in a moresustaining path, you are keeping
them from creating their ownsustainability.
(11:56):
Now we can expect that theperson may rebel and say it's
not possible to change and giveyou a thousand different reasons
why the world is against themand that their only solution
right now is to receive moneyfrom other people.
This is the hard part.
It is more loving to let themfail.
I know no one likes hearingthat.
(12:18):
That's not a popular idea, butI'm sure that will resonate in
your heart and you might eventake a deep breath and be like
oh man, I know Like actuallyletting them struggle is more
loving and the person may justask someone else.
But let's unpack why allowingstruggle isn't unkind First.
(12:40):
Personally, I can tell you thatI am so grateful that I have had
to struggle.
I had friends who enabled mefor a long time with my drinking
.
I would cry that if you had mylife, you would act like I do.
I blame people, places andthings for what was wrong in my
life.
My ego had me hooked.
I truly believed I was doomed,there was no way out, and this
(13:05):
was before my mom was diagnosedwith cancer.
This was before my house burntdown.
Most of my blocks andchallenges I mean like 90% of
them were in my mind and I had awhole bunch of reasons why I
could justify them.
I am so grateful that I hit abottom and needed to change that
.
Things got so challenging in mylife that the fear of the
(13:28):
unknown was less than the fearsthat I had around staying where
I was at.
Walking through my challengeshas made me stronger, wiser and
more content with the simplethings in life.
And I have seen this sametransformation in the people
I've worked with, and I knowwhat you may be thinking wow,
(13:49):
this person in my life who needshelp should really go see you,
which sure, I would love to workwith them.
But what about you?
In my experience, what I see inothers is that when they are
really focused on someone else.
Sometimes it's because they areavoiding their own issues or
hurt.
I have definitely done this.
It's also easier to point tosomeone else and say I'm not
(14:13):
that bad or justify I don't havethe time, my life is mostly
together, like I'm getting along, I'm fine and I get it.
I was there too, but don'tjustify that or let that block
you from getting the help andsupport you need to shift your
life or shift patterns and movetowards a life you really want,
(14:35):
because you don't have to feeldoomed.
I felt doomed for many, manyyears and struggled with severe
anxiety, and that's what I workwith a lot of people around is
how to overcome that anxiety andhow that transfers into their
relationships, because when wehave support in life, life is so
much easier to get through.
So, anyways, let's get back toenabling.
(14:55):
It's not mean to let someonehave challenges in life or to
not give them what they wantfrom you.
If you are in a situation likethis, ask yourself do you have
the resources to help?
In the money example, would itcause you stress if you were
never paid back?
Is there an expectationattached to your giving?
(15:18):
Like if the person promisesthis is the last time they'll
ask for money and they're usingit to buy gas to an interview.
Maybe they are telling thetruth, maybe not.
Would you feel resentful if youfound out that they were using
the money for another purpose?
So let's recap Helping isoffering assistance that will
(15:39):
most likely lead to themstanding on their own two feet
without expectations.
Enabling is giving resources tosomeone that keeps them where
they are.
Money is an easy example, andthese same principles can be
applied to emotions.
So let's say you have a friendwho only calls you in crisis.
They don't engage with you verymuch when things are going well
(16:01):
or when they have a new partner.
They don't ask how you are andthey don't support you in your
ups and downs.
They only call when they have anew partner.
They don't ask how you are andthey don't support you in your
ups and downs.
They only call when they have aproblem and need you to fix it,
or listen to them vent forhours.
With someone like this, you mayhear about the same thing over
and over again.
Let's say they are in a toxicrelationship and every time they
call you they're about to leavetheir partner because this time
(16:25):
is really bad.
But after a week of taking youon this emotional roller coaster
.
They go silent or they tell youthat they've made up and things
really weren't as bad as theysaid they were, that their
partner has promised to changeand things are going to be
different this time.
Now, this is a hard one to setboundaries because, though you
hate to admit it, maybe you likesaving the day and being the
(16:49):
one others can rely on.
It may feel validating, butthen you find that when you're
struggling, you can't talk aboutit, especially not with them,
because they aren't available orthe pattern is that you're the
strong one, so your emotionsaren't being acknowledged as
seriously.
Also, when your friend calls incrisis, you feel like you can't
(17:11):
just ignore them.
They may be in danger,emotionally or physically, and
maybe this will be the time thatthey really do leave the toxic
relationship.
The enabling behavior here isallowing the friendship to be
one-sided and by not having thetough conversation you need to
have with this person.
And let me reiterate that allenabling starts with good
(17:33):
intentions.
We all get sucked into enablingbehaviors throughout life and
most of the time we don'trealize it.
I've been on both sides and Ihave enabled really unhealthy
behaviors in relationships foryears and I've been the succubus
, taking other people's energyand not adding to the
relationships.
So how do you shift enablingbehavior to helping behavior in
(17:58):
an emotional situation like this?
Well, let's clarify what doeshelping look like In this
situation?
I would suggest start byclarifying your needs.
Bring it back to yourself.
If you could wave a magic wand,what would you want your
relationship to look like?
Would you want your friend tocall to see how you're doing or
(18:19):
make plans to spend timetogether without bringing up the
toxic relationship inconversation?
How can you create a healthybond with this person instead of
a negative bond?
Because these rollercoasteremotional rides in our
relationship do create a feelingof like a bondedness with the
person, but it's not asustainable bond and it's not
(18:43):
building the relationship thatyou really want bond and it's
not building the relationshipthat you really want.
Are you afraid to set a boundaryaround this behavior?
Are you afraid you'll lose thefriendship or the connection you
have with that person?
Really consider this andconsider the root.
Where is this coming from?
Is this really what you want?
And then try having aheart-to-heart with the other
(19:05):
person, seeing if they arewilling to have a different kind
of relationship If, when thisfriend usually calls you, cancel
plans with others or you leavework early to come to the rescue
, you can set a personalboundary to not answer calls or
texts until you have time.
Maybe you put theirnotifications on silent and when
(19:28):
this friend reaches out, takesome time to pause before
responding.
Let this person know ahead oftime that you are very busy and
may not be able to respond assoon as you have been.
And it's not because you don'tcare, it's just you don't have a
lot of time right now.
In a conversation like this, aheart-to-heart and then placing
(19:52):
some boundaries in effect may bea wake-up call to your friend,
and it may not be.
It's important to not holdexpectations that the other
person is going to change.
You are not withdrawing fromthem to punish them or teach
them a lesson.
You are shifting to prioritizeyour own self-care, and
(20:14):
self-care isn't always bubblebaths and spa days.
Self-care is saying what youneed to say and having the tough
conversations where you honoryourself, your needs.
The other person doesn't needto understand or feel good about
what you are doing.
You need to feel good aboutwhat you're doing, especially in
the long run.
(20:34):
So, to recap in emotionalsituations.
Enabling is allowing a toxic,harmful or imbalanced behavior
to perpetuate, where you'redoing a lot of giving, you're
not receiving and you don't feelgood about the relationship.
Helping is building a trulysupportive, balanced
(20:56):
relationship and putting yourown needs first before someone
else's needs, and this isn'tselfish.
When done in the right way, itcreates support and a healthy
relationship.
And there's a lot to unpackhere and everyone's situation is
unique.
So if you want to dive intothis a little bit deeper,
(21:17):
schedule a free 30 minute callwith me.
The link to schedule that callwill be in the show notes and
you can find out how to contactme and work with me on my
website at mrs-hardcom.
I love getting nitty gritty inthese podcast sessions and my
wish for you is that you havethe life you want, that you are
(21:41):
able to release habits that areweighing you down and replace
them with supportive patternsthat give you a gift wisdom that
comes from the hard times and aplan to navigate life's ups and
downs.
You can replace negativeself-talk with the belief that
anything is possible for you.
You deserve happiness, youdeserve peace.
(22:04):
You are enough.
Right now, you can defineyourself from within instead of
your usefulness to others.
So with that, I hope it's clearunderstanding the difference
between enabling and helpingbehaviors, so that you can stay
on the helping side of thespectrum instead of journeying
(22:27):
into the depleting enabling side.
All right, that's all I got fortoday and I hope you have a
wonderful day and I look forwardto talking to you soon.
Take care.
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