April 30, 2025 • 38 mins
Have you been pouring from an empty cup? This raw, unfiltered conversation dives deep into what it truly means to find your way back to yourself—and it's not the Instagram-worthy journey you might expect.
Forget the sage-burning rituals and silk robes. Real self-reclamation happens on bathroom floors at midnight when no one's watching. It's about finally hearing that whisper inside that's been trying to tell you "this isn't working" and "you're not being dramatic." That voice? It's your soul waving a red flag, hoping you'll finally see it.
Between marriage tensions, work deadlines, and emotional burnout, I've learned three critical lessons this month that changed everything. First, listen to your inner voice, even when it's inconvenient. Those recurring thoughts aren't random—they're signposts pointing to what needs attention. Second, speak up when something feels wrong, especially in your most important relationships. The temporary discomfort of honest conversation prevents the permanent damage of silent resentment. And finally, love yourself aggressively—through rest, nourishment, and boundaries that don't come with explanations.
What does returning to yourself actually look like? It's saying no without an essay of justification. It's making yourself breakfast before feeding everyone else. Sometimes it's letting the dishes sit while you journal instead. None of this is glamorous, but it's where the real magic happens—not in performing self-care, but in choosing yourself quietly, consistently, and without apology.
As we move into May and the world of The Ordinary Bruja (my pandemic-born story about finding magic in the mundane), remember this: Even when everything is falling apart, you can choose to stay with yourself. You are allowed to start over, take up space, and be your own safe place to land.
Subscribe now and join me next month as we explore how ordinary moments can become extraordinary magic when you finally believe you are enough.
Are you ready to embark on a captivating journey of resilience and revelation? Then head over to https://www.haveacupofjohanny.com/ and buy your copy.
If you’re enjoying these conversations, check out my YouTube channel! Explore Defining Latinx, Latine, Latina, Latino, where I reflect on books by Latine authors and uncover the diversity and strength of our community.
Don’t miss #TheOrdinaryBruja, my serialized story about Marisol, a bruja rediscovering the power of her ancestry and her own worth.
Subscribe now to join the conversation and celebrate our stories together!
🌳 Step Under The Flamboyant Tree! 🌳
Experience a story of family secrets, magical realism, and the rich heritage of the Dominican Republic. Under The Flamboyant Tree follows Isabella Prescott as she unravels her past, seeking healing and redemption in her homeland.
Preorder today and be among the first to journey into this unforgettable world of resilience and self-discovery.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Oh we could, we could fly.
Welcome back to have a Cup ofJohnny.
This season isn't abouthustling harder.
It's about coming home toyourself, to your voice, to your
breath, to the quiet truth thatyou're still here and you're
not starting over.
You're starting again.
(00:21):
This is your space to reflect,reset and remember who we tell
you.
So pour your cafecito and let'sbegin.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
Hello everyone and welcome to the last episode of
April for the have a Cup ofJohnny podcast.
I am Joa, your host, and onceagain I am here to lather some
messy truths into the bread,along with our cafecito or
(00:59):
whatever beverage we want todrink at this point.
Really, it's that kind of month.
So this entire podcast is about, you know, lessons learned, is
about budget.
(01:19):
This is me.
I'm grown Take it or leave it.
And for this episode on thelast day of April, I am going to
talk about how messy and uncuteit looks.
To get back to self.
(01:41):
Are y'all ready?
Some of y'all are going to belike, yes, girl, yes, I'm ready,
but you really are not.
So are you ready?
All right then.
(02:01):
Well, let's go.
So the entire month of April,we talked about the whole
struggle.
I was literally on the strugglebus with the transitions, the
chaos, the core habits that Ibuilt in, trying to get back
into that rhythm.
(02:31):
Guess where I'm at right now I'mon a work trip.
I am recording this from ahotel right now, trying to
figure out how that writing andgym time is going to look for me
.
Reading is going to be easybecause I'm going to do it in
(02:54):
the commute to wherever it isthat I'm going, but the other
ones I'm going to have tofinagle.
And because it's going to be anearly morning for me, I'm
already like drafting thismission plan in my head that I
may have to shift those twoactivities to the afternoon.
And, yes, I prefer the mornings.
(03:15):
I am a morning person by far.
That is when I have the mostenergy.
But I have to adjust.
I have to adjust.
This is going to be one ofthose times where I cannot do it
in the morning, so I'll have toreadjust, drink an extra
cafecito or have tea here in theroom.
(03:36):
I can drink some tea to pepmyself up and then go ahead and
do the writing and do the gym.
So usually in these instanceswhat I do is I do the gym first
and I do the writing after thegym.
Why, you may ask?
(03:56):
Because I have found outthrough scientific method, just
trying, just really tryingthrough scientific method, just
trying, just really trying thatI need to be in motion for, like
my creative juices to startgetting percolated, especially
in the afternoon and in theevening, because, like I told
(04:19):
you all before, I'm a morningperson.
So in the morning, that naturalrev up energy that I have, it's
already there.
I don't need to do much to itexcept for, like, strap it down
on the chair and get to writingor editing.
Whatever book I'm currentlyworking on and currently is Las
Cerraduras series, which thefirst book is going to be the
(04:42):
Ordinary Bruja.
So that is what I'm currentlyediting and writing and going
through the whole birthing ofthese books.
So, because I already know thatmy energy levels at that time
are going to be low, I alreadyknow the order of those two
things that I require in orderto maintain myself in that space
(05:09):
.
That keeps me whole, keeps mesane, keeps me happy.
So that is just an example ofwhat I'm doing right now and I
have just accepted that thisyear for me and I don't know why
I didn't listen to the cardthey did say I was going to
(05:30):
travel whenever I was listeningto the Tara Gurley's on TikTok,
it was the same thing comingback up for my side.
It's like I see a lot oftraveling in your future.
I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, Iknow, and I'm thinking it's kind
of like the same kind of travelas I was doing in my other job.
No, this is more chaotic.
(05:52):
Here I'm going back to writing,because that is why I write what
I know and I write charactersthat experience a lot of things
like me.
And if you read my books andyou're like why are this
character so stubborn?
Why can't she see that?
Blah, blah, blah, it's right infront of her.
Are you listening to me rightnow?
Are you listening?
And the tarot cards that I have?
(06:15):
They call me for filth, theycall me out, they drag me in my
own house, in my own room.
Every single time I'm like Iheard you the first time and
then I flip and I thought, well,there you go, biatch, once
again we're trying to tell youthis.
I'm like, no, no, no, I don'twant to hear.
Speaker 1 (06:42):
No, I don't want to listen.
Speaker 2 (06:44):
No, I'm going to pretend it's not happening.
No, tower Boom there.
I guess I think you did.
You know, I didn't get a towerthis time around.
That was the other the previousyear.
That was very scary.
It's very scary to get a tower,which just means
destabilization of everythingthat you know, because you built
(07:06):
it on shaky grounds andtherefore is coming tumbling
down, because that's what Murphydoes.
And when that happens, ithappens and, from my experience,
in the most atrocious way thatone can experience.
And that did happen.
That did happen.
(07:29):
But for this year was thetraveling, and that is happening
and it is very chaotic, kind oftraveling.
So far they have been true, butgetting back to self, since
that's what we're here to chat,chiquitas, I mean, come on now,
(07:51):
call me out, call me out, I'mblabbing too much.
So this month has beenspecifically hard and y'all
already heard me yapping aboutit and like being a complete
baby about it, Right, but it's,it's not.
It's not easy to return to selfwhen everything else is pulling
(08:16):
you to not do so.
You know, and I almost didn'trecord this, like I'm going to
be super real.
I almost didn't record this.
I'm going to be super real.
I almost didn't record this,but I'm doing it.
This is my commitment to future, joa, and this is my commitment
(08:38):
to me to share these life'slessons with all the listeners
in order to allow y'all to hearthat you're not on your own if
you're going through messy craplike this.
That's one and two, in thehopes that perhaps you don't
have to make these same messymistakes.
Perhaps you get to make yourown more advanced.
(09:04):
You know versions of thesemessy mistakes, but you don't
have to repeat the same song anddance that I'm over here
chuckling to, you know, and likereally just suffering with.
So I had to remind myself ofthat, and that goes with what I
was discussing a lot in theprevious episode, that a lot of
(09:28):
getting back to self and gettingback to those things that we
know we must do for our ownbetterment or for our future
version of us.
It has a lot to do with ustalking to that inner voice,
just logically reasoning with itand saying, no, we're not doing
(09:51):
what we used to do, we're doingthis thing that we know for a
fact works for us and we knowfor a fact leads us and puts us
on the path where we need to bewhere we want to be.
But I almost didn't record thisbecause life has been life-ing
hard Marriage tension, with menot being there, the step-babies
(10:18):
leaving, which just makes myhusband really sad and depressed
, and all of us feel it.
Book deadlines, an emotionalburnout from everything that's
occurring while still trying tohold it together.
It's not easy for one person tohold so many things than just
(10:45):
try to keep everything together.
But maybe that's exactly why Ineeded to record this.
Maybe that's why thisconversation matters, because I
keep saying it like I makevideos on TikTok.
Well, I want to be TikTokfamous with my books, not with
(11:06):
my cat videos, but you knowthat's another thing.
But mostly is to feel lessalone while writing, because
it's a long process and it's avery lonely process.
It's just one person in frontof the screen and it's a very
lonely process.
It's just one person in frontof the screen.
So when I put the video up andI talk about what I'm doing, it
(11:29):
makes me feel as if I'm not bymyself.
And then the same thing here.
I just said look, I'm goingthrough these things Marriage
tension, book deadlines,emotional burnout but I'm not
doing it on my own, I'm sharingit with you all Once again, so
that way we can connect, you canknow that perhaps you're in the
(11:53):
same boat or perhaps you may beheaded into.
You got yourself a ticket forthat cruise line right now and
it's best that you listen tothis so that way you can prep
yourself, prep your mind, yoursoul, your spirit for it.
But let me tell you somethingI'm learning the hard way that,
(12:14):
returning to myself, like I saidbefore, doesn't look cute, not
at all.
It doesn't look like me with asage, a journal in my hand, that
cute little silk, linen robe.
Well, you know it doesn't looklike that.
Well, it can't be a silk andlinen robe.
(12:35):
Well, it could be right, silk,with, like, some parts that are
linen, I don't know.
I think that would look cute.
But you know it's not that.
It's not what you may have seenin movies or in your fantasy,
this superficial but highlycurated version of somebody that
(12:59):
is trying to put it alltogether.
It's not that Sometimes itreally is just crying on the
bathroom floor at 11.43 PMbecause you know that people
have fallen asleep.
So that way you can do it alone.
You know, sometimes it's it'squiet and nobody really sees it
(13:23):
or feels it.
It may be like feelinginvisible, while everyone around
you just keeps going and you'relike looking at them and you're
like, oh, everyone is okayexcept for me.
Sometimes it looks like that,like that.
(13:51):
Sometimes it's quite grief ofrealizing that it's not so much
about other people ignoring you,but and I want to cry when I
say this it's mostly about youignoring your own voice for far
too long, and this month, thatvoice started screaming.
(14:13):
I'm going to tell you the firstthing that I learned in the
glorious months of April 2025.
And that is to listen to myinner voice, even when it's
inconvenient.
I just told you at thebeginning, I tend to la, la, la,
(14:36):
la la, or think it's not goingto happen or it's not going to
be that bad.
But I have learned the hard waythat I must listen to that
whisper that says this isn'tworking, you're not okay and no,
(14:56):
you're not being dramatic.
That's your soul waving a redflag, hoping that you're seeing
it.
So that way, you can deal withthose things.
Remember, I'm like aself-preservation queen, so I
will go to a lot of depths andways in order to not deal with
(15:23):
certain things that my brain hasalready learned will be super
atrocious and potentially willjust destroy me emotionally.
I don't have to hash it out,crack it open, deal with it.
So it's almost like I got towork against that in order to,
in real time or close to realtime, deal with those things
(15:47):
that are not necessarilyatrocious.
They may be inconvenient, theyare inconvenient, actually,
they're inconvenient truths butto deal with them, because what
I've learned is that if I don't,I will not be able to truly is
(16:12):
that if I don't, I will not beable to truly move on with my
life and to truly to get afterthe things that I want, to get
after those goals that I havefor myself, because those
roadblocks would become likethese walls Eventually, the
longer that I leave it therewithout working on it, without
acknowledging it, withoutsorting it out.
So some of the things that I'mdoing is, as soon as I get la
(16:36):
puyita that's how I call it, andI call it la puyita because
it's like what people used to dowhen I was growing up in the
Dominican Republic.
They did that and they will saythese snarky comments or these
like halfway compliments andthings of that nature, and then
just leave, you know, and leaveyou with that, you know, leave
(16:59):
you with the feeling that wouldlinger and you're like did this
person, is this person reallytelling me this?
Is this person criticizing myoutfit, my hair, what I'm doing?
You know, blah, blah, blah.
And we'll just leave you likethat.
You know and I don't know ifthat's like a Latine thing or
something, but that came with meto the US as well around my
(17:24):
people Dominican, puerto Rican,caribbean you know that thing
that they just they don't saythings out, right, but they just
leave you with it and I'm like,ah, so in my head that looks
like a thought pattern that justkeeps coming back, you know, in
(17:47):
a self-critical way, and when Isee that bad boy come around,
like twice, three times, if I'mbeing stubborn I leave a voice
note, because a lot of the time,a lot of the times, I get this
in drives and thankfully and I'mgoing to say thankfully I have
(18:09):
a slightly longer commute here,so it allows me to process
things first thing in themorning as I head into work, and
I do that just by simply likeclicking the record button and
then just going through thoseemotions, going through those
(18:32):
emotions, and I have found thatwhen I say it out loud and I get
bonus points when I listen toit after recording it, because
then I really get to digest itand be like, ah, okay, and I
want you to try it, we all haveit where you can leave voice
notes in your phone or, if not,maybe just saying it out loud,
right, but then you don't havethe option to listen to yourself
(18:55):
again, and I think that's veryhelpful, but maybe not at the
beginning.
If you're like me and youhaven't really dealt with things
, been like a self-preservationqueen, right, then maybe you
just need to say it out louduntil you get used to that
inconvenient feeling and thenyou can start recording it and
(19:16):
then listen to yourself.
But that's where really themagic happens is when you start
listening to those voice notes,because you will see a certain
pattern and you will see whatactually like triggered the
fence that occurred in your mind, that lingered and that like
(19:38):
threw you into this fight orflight kind of feeling, and
that's why you can't let it go.
So I'm back to using Clearfulapp as well in the mornings
sometimes at night, but in themornings so that way I can jot
down those three things I'mgrateful for, and I'm trying to
squeeze that one in again, sneakit in there.
(20:01):
I found that it's not one of mycritical core habits, but I am
finding out that during thesetimes of chaos and life-lifing
in a hard way, it helps to dothat because it keeps me
positive.
Right Before that, I've beensaying F this long commute.
(20:41):
I hate it with a passion, youknow, but I'm trying to find
Right and I'm doing it.
I'm finding the good things andhard stuff that are me to deal
with things in real life as theyhappen and to see the the
goodness and, in quote-unquote,bad situations right.
Okay, moving on, the secondlesson that I learned is to say
(21:03):
something.
When something doesn't feelright, just say it, especially
in relationships Like I.
Went back and forth on thisbecause I have to wait for the
right time to say it, because myhusband is one that he doesn't
(21:26):
like to deal with tough emotionsin real time.
He needs his own.
He's a tourist.
He needs his own quiet,comfortable space where he can
deal with it before he fullyadmits that they're there and
his role in it and all of that.
He doesn't want to deal with itright then and there.
(21:47):
So I have to remember it.
But me as someone who justwants to rip the bandaid.
That conflicts quite a lot, soI have to remember to annotate
it.
It didn't work out last time.
I didn't take a pause, I didn'tannotate it and then come back.
(22:09):
I had been like frothing at themouth for a while on this and I
just said it.
You know, and I'm the type ofperson that when I say something
and I get it off my chest, Ifeel much better almost
immediately.
But this time it backfired,because now I got him riled up
(22:33):
and now I got him riled up tothe point where he is just like
not acting like himself, butstill that reaction took me for
a pause and I had to think aboutthat reaction.
I had to write down what I wasfeeling, record it and give him
some space while I'm sorting itout, but then still talk to him,
(22:58):
text him and tell him look,this is what happened and this
is how I felt when that happened, so that way I can put it on me
, my feelings, my reaction tosomething that occurred while
(23:18):
both of us were in the room.
You see what I'm saying.
So that was very importantbecause while in the moment when
it happened, I had gotten thethings that I wanted to say off
my chest.
I understood the next day thatI created more chaos than
(23:38):
anything else.
Rectify that right by bringingit back to what that
conversation should have meant,which was my acknowledgement of
my feelings about his actions.
You see what I'm saying.
(24:00):
So, for example, I've beenfeeling like very just not
settled and for me it has to dosomething with like just
uprooting myself at the age of10.
Sure, that has a lot to do, youknow, immigrating to the United
(24:26):
States as a kid and then justkind of like starting new and
then joining the army and thengoing through that time and time
and time again while not reallyhealing from that which
happened when I was younger.
And I'm pretty sure that is thebasis of why I get really
frustrated and really angry whenI feel unsettled and why I'm
(24:48):
like the person I don't like tolive with boxes.
I am the person that within aweek I just want to have all the
boxes opened, put away.
You know I want the home tofeel like a home, put away.
You know I want the home tofeel like a home.
I don't want to feel as if I amliving out of boxes in a hotel,
(25:09):
as if I have no home, butbecause, like what I explained,
how I've been moving back toback to back to back and stuff
like that, it's just I haven'tbeen in my home that long to be
able to unpack the way that Iusually would, or at least to
(25:30):
help my husband unpack and haveeverything out and everything
and having that.
I haven't had that.
I'm home, but technically I'vebeen home already for three
months, but it has not felt likethat at all.
(25:50):
And that's what I was trying toexplain to him that while I've
been gone and he's been sort ofsteady, I'm not saying that his
days are not busy, but what I'msaying is that I had seen no
movement in any of my boxesbeing unpacked, but everything
(26:11):
else had, and that, as somebodywho doesn't take rejection, well
, felt like a rejection.
And on top of that it also feltlike I was not worthy enough,
you know, for him to help mewith my boxes.
I felt really like not takencare of and and that was a big
(26:35):
hit to me.
And it just all came throughyesterday when I was trying to
pack for this trip and I waslike what is going on here?
You know, I'm like in my head.
You know, la pujita issomething else, because in my
head I'm having all thesethoughts.
I'm like, does he not love me?
(26:57):
This is not the man I married,you know.
All these different things weregoing through my head.
I'm like what is going on, youknow?
And then this other thing, thisother voice, my actual voice,
was trying to rationalize girl,you know, the kids are leaving
in like less than a month.
You know he's going throughthat.
He's trying to, you know,maintain and things of that
(27:19):
nature, and he also has likethings that he has to do and
things of that nature, and healso has like things that he has
to do and things of the nature.
But the other was just like, no, what about this, you know?
And then all of that, and itjust it just came out at the
worst of time.
And I'm not saying like myfeelings are not valid and how I
felt are not valid.
That's not what I'm saying.
It is, it is very valid.
(27:41):
That's why, like, I send themthat text while I was on the
plane explaining to him look,you did this and I felt this way
, I felt uncared for, you know,and all I needed was a response
from him when I approached himwith that problem was that I got
you.
You know I'm going to work onit, that's it.
(28:04):
I didn't need it.
You know him to go lifting likethe 10 boxes you know that was
still in the garage and slam himand do all this.
You know craziness to show verydramatic way that he did what I
asked him to do.
I didn't need any of that, Ireally just needed listen and
(28:25):
acknowledgement.
You know, and that's what Iexplained and he acknowledged
that.
You know, and I'm going tofollow up with a longer
conversation on it because Icare, because this is like my
life relationship.
You know, this is like therelationship that will be with
(28:47):
me for the rest of my life,because I love him, because this
is a relationship that is gonnabe with me through old age.
So I have to figure it out.
I need us to figure it outtogether, to work on this
together, because I did thought.
You know I'm just going toignore it, I'm just not going to
(29:09):
talk about it.
You know I'm just going to staysilent, mad, like I used to in
my 30s, you know, when somethingrubbed me the wrong way and
then just completely cut off theperson, but I was like no, this
is my person, I can't do that.
You know, I cannot be silent,mad.
I gotta approach him, I gottatalk this with him, and it's
(29:34):
going to be messy, but we got todo it so we can sort ourselves
out.
Going forward, you know, andcome to a resolution which leads
me to lesson three love myselfmore like aggressively so,
because here's the truth.
At the end of the day, rightFights and and what felt like
(29:59):
rejection from my person, youknow, and then the silence to
just kind of like hold myselftogether, the only thing that
was left in the aftermath wasjust me and my thoughts, you
know.
So it's like if you're notnourishing yourself, if you're
(30:21):
not loving yourself, and you'regoing to have these things in
your relationships that occur,you are going to have them.
No relationship is perfect orfoolproof.
You are going to have them.
You've got to be able to bealone with yourself and still
feel that love and thatnurturing in there.
(30:45):
And that only happens when youlike, unconditionally and
aggressively love yourself.
Because if you're empty and youdon't have that, and then you
find yourself regrouping alone,as you should be regrouping,
(31:06):
regrouping alone as you shouldbe regrouping right, it's going
to be hollow, it's going to benot peaceful, not nurturing,
it's not going to feed youbecause you're empty and you
have nothing right To give toothers.
For me, I wouldn't haveanything to give to my books to
come over here and give to youall, to us, to our kids.
(31:27):
I would have nothing to fulfillmy purpose in life.
So what am I doing?
Because you may be like well,how do you love yourself?
Well, by resting, absolutelyand utterly resting.
I took a nap.
I've been up since like 2.46 inthe morning.
(31:51):
I took a nap.
I was like no, I'm not eatingdinner with the group today,
sorry, I'm going to stay in bedand take a nap.
And I took a nap and now I'meating a salad you know
something healthy to nourish meand drinking water.
You see I talk to myself in themirror like, yeah, you're messy
(32:16):
, joelle, but I love you and I'mkeeping boundaries as well.
You heard me like no, thank you, I'm not doing that.
I'm doing this.
Boundaries around my creativityas well.
If something is not nourishingme, I'm not saying yes to it
just because I should or justbecause I could squeeze it into
(32:37):
my schedule.
You know I'm going to say nobecause I know it doesn't serve
a purpose with me.
So what does returning toyourself actually look like in
real life?
Because that's what this entireepisode is about returning back
to self.
So what does that look like?
(32:57):
I mean, it looks like saying nowithout an essay, because no is
a whole sentence.
I've said it before in myboundaries episode no is a whole
sentence.
It looks like making yourselfbreakfast and not just feeding
everyone else and leavingyourself with one crummy egg.
(33:19):
It looks like rereading thetexts your best friend sent you.
It looks like rereading thecomment that your beta reader
sent you about how good the readis.
It looks like rereading thecomment from your work bestie
(33:39):
saying how much she believes inyou and she had believed in you
all along and she's so proud ofyou.
It's just that it also lookslike maybe letting the dishes
sit so you can go journalinstead.
None of this is glamorous, noneof it.
(34:00):
But it's powerful.
And here's the thing.
That's where the magic lives.
Not in the performance of thesage with the linen slash, silk
robe, not in that no, not inbeing on, but in choosing
(34:21):
yourself quietly, consistentlyand without apology.
Next month, we enter the worldof the ordinary.
Bruja, oh, the story I wroteduring the pandemic, when I felt
anything but magical.
It's a story about a girl likeme, but also like you, a girl
(34:43):
who thought she was ordinaryuntil she learned that the most
sacred spell you could ever castis in saying I am enough and I
am not going anywhere.
So if you're feeling lost ortired or like you've been
(35:05):
pouring from a dry cup, I seeyou, I am you and I want to
leave you with this.
Even when it feels likeeverything is falling apart, I
choose to stay with myself.
I choose rest, I choose honesty.
I choose honesty.
I choose the tiniest act oflove, even if it's just drinking
(35:28):
water or saying no, I amallowed to start over.
I am allowed to take up space.
I am allowed to be my own safeplace to land.
Listen to this affirmation,repeat this affirmation as many
(35:49):
times as you need to Thank youfor being here.
Thank you for sharing your cupwith me.
Magic is coming in May, butonly because you are All right.
Brujitas y vasitos, I'll talkto y'all in May.
Bye.
Speaker 1 (36:10):
If today's episode spoke to you, share with
somebody who's finding their wayback too, and if you haven't
yet, visit haveacupofjoanicomfor more stories, blog posts and
the bits that started it all.
Thank you for being here.
Until next time, be soft, bebold and always have a cup of
(36:32):
joannie.
Oh we could, we could fly.
Welcome back to have a Cup ofJohnny.
This season isn't abouthustling harder.
It's about coming home toyourself, to your voice, to your
breath, to the quiet truth thatyou're still here and you're
not starting over.
You're starting again.
(00:21):
This is your space to reflect,reset and remember who we tell
you.
So pour your cafecito and let'sbegin.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
Hello everyone and welcome to the last episode of
April for the have a Cup ofJohnny podcast.
I am Joa, your host, and onceagain I am here to lather some
messy truths into the bread,along with our cafecito or
(00:59):
whatever beverage we want todrink at this point.
Really, it's that kind of month.
So this entire podcast is about, you know, lessons learned, is
about budget.
(01:19):
This is me.
I'm grown Take it or leave it.
And for this episode on thelast day of April, I am going to
talk about how messy and uncuteit looks.
To get back to self.
(01:41):
Are y'all ready?
Some of y'all are going to belike, yes, girl, yes, I'm ready,
but you really are not.
So are you ready?
All right then.
(02:01):
Well, let's go.
So the entire month of April,we talked about the whole
struggle.
I was literally on the strugglebus with the transitions, the
chaos, the core habits that Ibuilt in, trying to get back
into that rhythm.
(02:31):
Guess where I'm at right now I'mon a work trip.
I am recording this from ahotel right now, trying to
figure out how that writing andgym time is going to look for me
.
Reading is going to be easybecause I'm going to do it in
(02:54):
the commute to wherever it isthat I'm going, but the other
ones I'm going to have tofinagle.
And because it's going to be anearly morning for me, I'm
already like drafting thismission plan in my head that I
may have to shift those twoactivities to the afternoon.
And, yes, I prefer the mornings.
(03:15):
I am a morning person by far.
That is when I have the mostenergy.
But I have to adjust.
I have to adjust.
This is going to be one ofthose times where I cannot do it
in the morning, so I'll have toreadjust, drink an extra
cafecito or have tea here in theroom.
(03:36):
I can drink some tea to pepmyself up and then go ahead and
do the writing and do the gym.
So usually in these instanceswhat I do is I do the gym first
and I do the writing after thegym.
Why, you may ask?
(03:56):
Because I have found outthrough scientific method, just
trying, just really tryingthrough scientific method, just
trying, just really trying thatI need to be in motion for, like
my creative juices to startgetting percolated, especially
in the afternoon and in theevening, because, like I told
(04:19):
you all before, I'm a morningperson.
So in the morning, that naturalrev up energy that I have, it's
already there.
I don't need to do much to itexcept for, like, strap it down
on the chair and get to writingor editing.
Whatever book I'm currentlyworking on and currently is Las
Cerraduras series, which thefirst book is going to be the
(04:42):
Ordinary Bruja.
So that is what I'm currentlyediting and writing and going
through the whole birthing ofthese books.
So, because I already know thatmy energy levels at that time
are going to be low, I alreadyknow the order of those two
things that I require in orderto maintain myself in that space
(05:09):
.
That keeps me whole, keeps mesane, keeps me happy.
So that is just an example ofwhat I'm doing right now and I
have just accepted that thisyear for me and I don't know why
I didn't listen to the cardthey did say I was going to
(05:30):
travel whenever I was listeningto the Tara Gurley's on TikTok,
it was the same thing comingback up for my side.
It's like I see a lot oftraveling in your future.
I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, Iknow, and I'm thinking it's kind
of like the same kind of travelas I was doing in my other job.
No, this is more chaotic.
(05:52):
Here I'm going back to writing,because that is why I write what
I know and I write charactersthat experience a lot of things
like me.
And if you read my books andyou're like why are this
character so stubborn?
Why can't she see that?
Blah, blah, blah, it's right infront of her.
Are you listening to me rightnow?
Are you listening?
And the tarot cards that I have?
(06:15):
They call me for filth, theycall me out, they drag me in my
own house, in my own room.
Every single time I'm like Iheard you the first time and
then I flip and I thought, well,there you go, biatch, once
again we're trying to tell youthis.
I'm like, no, no, no, I don'twant to hear.
Speaker 1 (06:42):
No, I don't want to listen.
Speaker 2 (06:44):
No, I'm going to pretend it's not happening.
No, tower Boom there.
I guess I think you did.
You know, I didn't get a towerthis time around.
That was the other the previousyear.
That was very scary.
It's very scary to get a tower,which just means
destabilization of everythingthat you know, because you built
(07:06):
it on shaky grounds andtherefore is coming tumbling
down, because that's what Murphydoes.
And when that happens, ithappens and, from my experience,
in the most atrocious way thatone can experience.
And that did happen.
That did happen.
(07:29):
But for this year was thetraveling, and that is happening
and it is very chaotic, kind oftraveling.
So far they have been true, butgetting back to self, since
that's what we're here to chat,chiquitas, I mean, come on now,
(07:51):
call me out, call me out, I'mblabbing too much.
So this month has beenspecifically hard and y'all
already heard me yapping aboutit and like being a complete
baby about it, Right, but it's,it's not.
It's not easy to return to selfwhen everything else is pulling
(08:16):
you to not do so.
You know, and I almost didn'trecord this, like I'm going to
be super real.
I almost didn't record this.
I'm going to be super real.
I almost didn't record this,but I'm doing it.
This is my commitment to future, joa, and this is my commitment
(08:38):
to me to share these life'slessons with all the listeners
in order to allow y'all to hearthat you're not on your own if
you're going through messy craplike this.
That's one and two, in thehopes that perhaps you don't
have to make these same messymistakes.
Perhaps you get to make yourown more advanced.
(09:04):
You know versions of thesemessy mistakes, but you don't
have to repeat the same song anddance that I'm over here
chuckling to, you know, and likereally just suffering with.
So I had to remind myself ofthat, and that goes with what I
was discussing a lot in theprevious episode, that a lot of
(09:28):
getting back to self and gettingback to those things that we
know we must do for our ownbetterment or for our future
version of us.
It has a lot to do with ustalking to that inner voice,
just logically reasoning with itand saying, no, we're not doing
(09:51):
what we used to do, we're doingthis thing that we know for a
fact works for us and we knowfor a fact leads us and puts us
on the path where we need to bewhere we want to be.
But I almost didn't record thisbecause life has been life-ing
hard Marriage tension, with menot being there, the step-babies
(10:18):
leaving, which just makes myhusband really sad and depressed
, and all of us feel it.
Book deadlines, an emotionalburnout from everything that's
occurring while still trying tohold it together.
It's not easy for one person tohold so many things than just
(10:45):
try to keep everything together.
But maybe that's exactly why Ineeded to record this.
Maybe that's why thisconversation matters, because I
keep saying it like I makevideos on TikTok.
Well, I want to be TikTokfamous with my books, not with
(11:06):
my cat videos, but you knowthat's another thing.
But mostly is to feel lessalone while writing, because
it's a long process and it's avery lonely process.
It's just one person in frontof the screen and it's a very
lonely process.
It's just one person in frontof the screen.
So when I put the video up andI talk about what I'm doing, it
(11:29):
makes me feel as if I'm not bymyself.
And then the same thing here.
I just said look, I'm goingthrough these things Marriage
tension, book deadlines,emotional burnout but I'm not
doing it on my own, I'm sharingit with you all Once again, so
that way we can connect, you canknow that perhaps you're in the
(11:53):
same boat or perhaps you may beheaded into.
You got yourself a ticket forthat cruise line right now and
it's best that you listen tothis so that way you can prep
yourself, prep your mind, yoursoul, your spirit for it.
But let me tell you somethingI'm learning the hard way that,
(12:14):
returning to myself, like I saidbefore, doesn't look cute, not
at all.
It doesn't look like me with asage, a journal in my hand, that
cute little silk, linen robe.
Well, you know it doesn't looklike that.
Well, it can't be a silk andlinen robe.
(12:35):
Well, it could be right, silk,with, like, some parts that are
linen, I don't know.
I think that would look cute.
But you know it's not that.
It's not what you may have seenin movies or in your fantasy,
this superficial but highlycurated version of somebody that
(12:59):
is trying to put it alltogether.
It's not that Sometimes itreally is just crying on the
bathroom floor at 11.43 PMbecause you know that people
have fallen asleep.
So that way you can do it alone.
You know, sometimes it's it'squiet and nobody really sees it
(13:23):
or feels it.
It may be like feelinginvisible, while everyone around
you just keeps going and you'relike looking at them and you're
like, oh, everyone is okayexcept for me.
Sometimes it looks like that,like that.
(13:51):
Sometimes it's quite grief ofrealizing that it's not so much
about other people ignoring you,but and I want to cry when I
say this it's mostly about youignoring your own voice for far
too long, and this month, thatvoice started screaming.
(14:13):
I'm going to tell you the firstthing that I learned in the
glorious months of April 2025.
And that is to listen to myinner voice, even when it's
inconvenient.
I just told you at thebeginning, I tend to la, la, la,
(14:36):
la la, or think it's not goingto happen or it's not going to
be that bad.
But I have learned the hard waythat I must listen to that
whisper that says this isn'tworking, you're not okay and no,
(14:56):
you're not being dramatic.
That's your soul waving a redflag, hoping that you're seeing
it.
So that way, you can deal withthose things.
Remember, I'm like aself-preservation queen, so I
will go to a lot of depths andways in order to not deal with
(15:23):
certain things that my brain hasalready learned will be super
atrocious and potentially willjust destroy me emotionally.
I don't have to hash it out,crack it open, deal with it.
So it's almost like I got towork against that in order to,
in real time or close to realtime, deal with those things
(15:47):
that are not necessarilyatrocious.
They may be inconvenient, theyare inconvenient, actually,
they're inconvenient truths butto deal with them, because what
I've learned is that if I don't,I will not be able to truly is
(16:12):
that if I don't, I will not beable to truly move on with my
life and to truly to get afterthe things that I want, to get
after those goals that I havefor myself, because those
roadblocks would become likethese walls Eventually, the
longer that I leave it therewithout working on it, without
acknowledging it, withoutsorting it out.
So some of the things that I'mdoing is, as soon as I get la
(16:36):
puyita that's how I call it, andI call it la puyita because
it's like what people used to dowhen I was growing up in the
Dominican Republic.
They did that and they will saythese snarky comments or these
like halfway compliments andthings of that nature, and then
just leave, you know, and leaveyou with that, you know, leave
(16:59):
you with the feeling that wouldlinger and you're like did this
person, is this person reallytelling me this?
Is this person criticizing myoutfit, my hair, what I'm doing?
You know, blah, blah, blah.
And we'll just leave you likethat.
You know and I don't know ifthat's like a Latine thing or
something, but that came with meto the US as well around my
(17:24):
people Dominican, puerto Rican,caribbean you know that thing
that they just they don't saythings out, right, but they just
leave you with it and I'm like,ah, so in my head that looks
like a thought pattern that justkeeps coming back, you know, in
(17:47):
a self-critical way, and when Isee that bad boy come around,
like twice, three times, if I'mbeing stubborn I leave a voice
note, because a lot of the time,a lot of the times, I get this
in drives and thankfully and I'mgoing to say thankfully I have
(18:09):
a slightly longer commute here,so it allows me to process
things first thing in themorning as I head into work, and
I do that just by simply likeclicking the record button and
then just going through thoseemotions, going through those
(18:32):
emotions, and I have found thatwhen I say it out loud and I get
bonus points when I listen toit after recording it, because
then I really get to digest itand be like, ah, okay, and I
want you to try it, we all haveit where you can leave voice
notes in your phone or, if not,maybe just saying it out loud,
right, but then you don't havethe option to listen to yourself
(18:55):
again, and I think that's veryhelpful, but maybe not at the
beginning.
If you're like me and youhaven't really dealt with things
, been like a self-preservationqueen, right, then maybe you
just need to say it out louduntil you get used to that
inconvenient feeling and thenyou can start recording it and
(19:16):
then listen to yourself.
But that's where really themagic happens is when you start
listening to those voice notes,because you will see a certain
pattern and you will see whatactually like triggered the
fence that occurred in your mind, that lingered and that like
(19:38):
threw you into this fight orflight kind of feeling, and
that's why you can't let it go.
So I'm back to using Clearfulapp as well in the mornings
sometimes at night, but in themornings so that way I can jot
down those three things I'mgrateful for, and I'm trying to
squeeze that one in again, sneakit in there.
(20:01):
I found that it's not one of mycritical core habits, but I am
finding out that during thesetimes of chaos and life-lifing
in a hard way, it helps to dothat because it keeps me
positive.
Right Before that, I've beensaying F this long commute.
(20:41):
I hate it with a passion, youknow, but I'm trying to find
Right and I'm doing it.
I'm finding the good things andhard stuff that are me to deal
with things in real life as theyhappen and to see the the
goodness and, in quote-unquote,bad situations right.
Okay, moving on, the secondlesson that I learned is to say
(21:03):
something.
When something doesn't feelright, just say it, especially
in relationships Like I.
Went back and forth on thisbecause I have to wait for the
right time to say it, because myhusband is one that he doesn't
(21:26):
like to deal with tough emotionsin real time.
He needs his own.
He's a tourist.
He needs his own quiet,comfortable space where he can
deal with it before he fullyadmits that they're there and
his role in it and all of that.
He doesn't want to deal with itright then and there.
(21:47):
So I have to remember it.
But me as someone who justwants to rip the bandaid.
That conflicts quite a lot, soI have to remember to annotate
it.
It didn't work out last time.
I didn't take a pause, I didn'tannotate it and then come back.
(22:09):
I had been like frothing at themouth for a while on this and I
just said it.
You know, and I'm the type ofperson that when I say something
and I get it off my chest, Ifeel much better almost
immediately.
But this time it backfired,because now I got him riled up
(22:33):
and now I got him riled up tothe point where he is just like
not acting like himself, butstill that reaction took me for
a pause and I had to think aboutthat reaction.
I had to write down what I wasfeeling, record it and give him
some space while I'm sorting itout, but then still talk to him,
(22:58):
text him and tell him look,this is what happened and this
is how I felt when that happened, so that way I can put it on me
, my feelings, my reaction tosomething that occurred while
(23:18):
both of us were in the room.
You see what I'm saying.
So that was very importantbecause while in the moment when
it happened, I had gotten thethings that I wanted to say off
my chest.
I understood the next day thatI created more chaos than
(23:38):
anything else.
Rectify that right by bringingit back to what that
conversation should have meant,which was my acknowledgement of
my feelings about his actions.
You see what I'm saying.
(24:00):
So, for example, I've beenfeeling like very just not
settled and for me it has to dosomething with like just
uprooting myself at the age of10.
Sure, that has a lot to do, youknow, immigrating to the United
(24:26):
States as a kid and then justkind of like starting new and
then joining the army and thengoing through that time and time
and time again while not reallyhealing from that which
happened when I was younger.
And I'm pretty sure that is thebasis of why I get really
frustrated and really angry whenI feel unsettled and why I'm
(24:48):
like the person I don't like tolive with boxes.
I am the person that within aweek I just want to have all the
boxes opened, put away.
You know I want the home tofeel like a home, put away.
You know I want the home tofeel like a home.
I don't want to feel as if I amliving out of boxes in a hotel,
(25:09):
as if I have no home, butbecause, like what I explained,
how I've been moving back toback to back to back and stuff
like that, it's just I haven'tbeen in my home that long to be
able to unpack the way that Iusually would, or at least to
(25:30):
help my husband unpack and haveeverything out and everything
and having that.
I haven't had that.
I'm home, but technically I'vebeen home already for three
months, but it has not felt likethat at all.
(25:50):
And that's what I was trying toexplain to him that while I've
been gone and he's been sort ofsteady, I'm not saying that his
days are not busy, but what I'msaying is that I had seen no
movement in any of my boxesbeing unpacked, but everything
(26:11):
else had, and that, as somebodywho doesn't take rejection, well
, felt like a rejection.
And on top of that it also feltlike I was not worthy enough,
you know, for him to help mewith my boxes.
I felt really like not takencare of and and that was a big
(26:35):
hit to me.
And it just all came throughyesterday when I was trying to
pack for this trip and I waslike what is going on here?
You know, I'm like in my head.
You know, la pujita issomething else, because in my
head I'm having all thesethoughts.
I'm like, does he not love me?
(26:57):
This is not the man I married,you know.
All these different things weregoing through my head.
I'm like what is going on, youknow?
And then this other thing, thisother voice, my actual voice,
was trying to rationalize girl,you know, the kids are leaving
in like less than a month.
You know he's going throughthat.
He's trying to, you know,maintain and things of that
(27:19):
nature, and he also has likethings that he has to do and
things of that nature, and healso has like things that he has
to do and things of the nature.
But the other was just like, no, what about this, you know?
And then all of that, and itjust it just came out at the
worst of time.
And I'm not saying like myfeelings are not valid and how I
felt are not valid.
That's not what I'm saying.
It is, it is very valid.
(27:41):
That's why, like, I send themthat text while I was on the
plane explaining to him look,you did this and I felt this way
, I felt uncared for, you know,and all I needed was a response
from him when I approached himwith that problem was that I got
you.
You know I'm going to work onit, that's it.
(28:04):
I didn't need it.
You know him to go lifting likethe 10 boxes you know that was
still in the garage and slam himand do all this.
You know craziness to show verydramatic way that he did what I
asked him to do.
I didn't need any of that, Ireally just needed listen and
(28:25):
acknowledgement.
You know, and that's what Iexplained and he acknowledged
that.
You know, and I'm going tofollow up with a longer
conversation on it because Icare, because this is like my
life relationship.
You know, this is like therelationship that will be with
(28:47):
me for the rest of my life,because I love him, because this
is a relationship that is gonnabe with me through old age.
So I have to figure it out.
I need us to figure it outtogether, to work on this
together, because I did thought.
You know I'm just going toignore it, I'm just not going to
(29:09):
talk about it.
You know I'm just going to staysilent, mad, like I used to in
my 30s, you know, when somethingrubbed me the wrong way and
then just completely cut off theperson, but I was like no, this
is my person, I can't do that.
You know, I cannot be silent,mad.
I gotta approach him, I gottatalk this with him, and it's
(29:34):
going to be messy, but we got todo it so we can sort ourselves
out.
Going forward, you know, andcome to a resolution which leads
me to lesson three love myselfmore like aggressively so,
because here's the truth.
At the end of the day, rightFights and and what felt like
(29:59):
rejection from my person, youknow, and then the silence to
just kind of like hold myselftogether, the only thing that
was left in the aftermath wasjust me and my thoughts, you
know.
So it's like if you're notnourishing yourself, if you're
(30:21):
not loving yourself, and you'regoing to have these things in
your relationships that occur,you are going to have them.
No relationship is perfect orfoolproof.
You are going to have them.
You've got to be able to bealone with yourself and still
feel that love and thatnurturing in there.
(30:45):
And that only happens when youlike, unconditionally and
aggressively love yourself.
Because if you're empty and youdon't have that, and then you
find yourself regrouping alone,as you should be regrouping,
(31:06):
regrouping alone as you shouldbe regrouping right, it's going
to be hollow, it's going to benot peaceful, not nurturing,
it's not going to feed youbecause you're empty and you
have nothing right To give toothers.
For me, I wouldn't haveanything to give to my books to
come over here and give to youall, to us, to our kids.
(31:27):
I would have nothing to fulfillmy purpose in life.
So what am I doing?
Because you may be like well,how do you love yourself?
Well, by resting, absolutelyand utterly resting.
I took a nap.
I've been up since like 2.46 inthe morning.
(31:51):
I took a nap.
I was like no, I'm not eatingdinner with the group today,
sorry, I'm going to stay in bedand take a nap.
And I took a nap and now I'meating a salad you know
something healthy to nourish meand drinking water.
You see I talk to myself in themirror like, yeah, you're messy
(32:16):
, joelle, but I love you and I'mkeeping boundaries as well.
You heard me like no, thank you, I'm not doing that.
I'm doing this.
Boundaries around my creativityas well.
If something is not nourishingme, I'm not saying yes to it
just because I should or justbecause I could squeeze it into
(32:37):
my schedule.
You know I'm going to say nobecause I know it doesn't serve
a purpose with me.
So what does returning toyourself actually look like in
real life?
Because that's what this entireepisode is about returning back
to self.
So what does that look like?
(32:57):
I mean, it looks like saying nowithout an essay, because no is
a whole sentence.
I've said it before in myboundaries episode no is a whole
sentence.
It looks like making yourselfbreakfast and not just feeding
everyone else and leavingyourself with one crummy egg.
(33:19):
It looks like rereading thetexts your best friend sent you.
It looks like rereading thecomment that your beta reader
sent you about how good the readis.
It looks like rereading thecomment from your work bestie
(33:39):
saying how much she believes inyou and she had believed in you
all along and she's so proud ofyou.
It's just that it also lookslike maybe letting the dishes
sit so you can go journalinstead.
None of this is glamorous, noneof it.
(34:00):
But it's powerful.
And here's the thing.
That's where the magic lives.
Not in the performance of thesage with the linen slash, silk
robe, not in that no, not inbeing on, but in choosing
(34:21):
yourself quietly, consistentlyand without apology.
Next month, we enter the worldof the ordinary.
Bruja, oh, the story I wroteduring the pandemic, when I felt
anything but magical.
It's a story about a girl likeme, but also like you, a girl
(34:43):
who thought she was ordinaryuntil she learned that the most
sacred spell you could ever castis in saying I am enough and I
am not going anywhere.
So if you're feeling lost ortired or like you've been
(35:05):
pouring from a dry cup, I seeyou, I am you and I want to
leave you with this.
Even when it feels likeeverything is falling apart, I
choose to stay with myself.
I choose rest, I choose honesty.
I choose honesty.
I choose the tiniest act oflove, even if it's just drinking
(35:28):
water or saying no, I amallowed to start over.
I am allowed to take up space.
I am allowed to be my own safeplace to land.
Listen to this affirmation,repeat this affirmation as many
(35:49):
times as you need to Thank youfor being here.
Thank you for sharing your cupwith me.
Magic is coming in May, butonly because you are All right.
Brujitas y vasitos, I'll talkto y'all in May.
Bye.
Speaker 1 (36:10):
If today's episode spoke to you, share with
somebody who's finding their wayback too, and if you haven't
yet, visit haveacupofjoanicomfor more stories, blog posts and
the bits that started it all.
Thank you for being here.
Until next time, be soft, bebold and always have a cup of
(36:32):
joannie.
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