November 12, 2025 • 29 mins
I’ve spent most of my life believing that control equals safety. The Army taught me that structure keeps everything running, and for years, I carried that same mindset into my creative life. Every project, every book launch, every to-do list—I ran it like a mission.
But lately, I’ve been learning that control isn’t the same as clarity. It’s fear disguised as discipline.
In this episode of Have a Cup of Johanny, I open up about how my need to control everything—from preorder campaigns and tech glitches to printing delays—nearly stole the joy out of creating The Ordinary Bruja. You’ll hear how a weekend of website chaos, Canva crashes, and printer meltdowns forced me to loosen my grip, surrender the outcome, and remember that sometimes the detour is the divine plan.
Lessons you’ll take from this episode:
- How “discipline” can secretly become anxiety in disguise.
- Why loosening control invites collaboration, creativity, and unexpected blessings.
- How Salvador’s obsession with control mirrors what happens when we force life to obey our timelines.
Because when you loosen your grip, you make space for magic—and that’s when everything begins to flow.
The Ordinary Bruja is officially out now! Dive into Marisol’s story of identity, power, and self-trust here:
If today’s episode hit you in the chest the way it hit me, don’t just walk away—walk toward something that reflects you.
Subscribe to the podcast, hit that YouTube channel for the behind-the-scenes, and if you’re ready to read a story about what it really means to come home to yourself—
👉🏽 Preorder The Ordinary Bruja.
https://haveacupofjohanny.com/product/the-ordinary-bruja-book-one-of-las-cerradoras-series-j-e-ortega/
It’s about a Dominican-American bruja who’s been running from herself her whole life until ancestral magic, generational wounds, and a haunted-ass hill force her to face the truth.
If you’ve ever felt “too much,” “not enough,” or like you don’t fit anywhere, you’re exactly who this story was written for.
🎙️ Subscribe.
📺 Follow on YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC2SRDePbyy8M85Wbf25VUCg
📚 Preorder The Ordinary Bruja. https://haveacupofjohanny.com/product/the-ordinary-bruja-book-one-of-las-cerradoras-series-j-e-ortega/
Because becoming who you are is the bravest kind of magic.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:02):
Welcome back to the public.
It's about going to yourstomach.
To your point.
To your breath.
To the point you're starting.
And when you're starting off.
You're starting again.
This is your space to reflect,respect, remember to tell you.
(00:29):
So pour your cafecito and let'sbegin.
Hey y'all, and welcome back toHave a Cup of Johnny Podcast.
We are in our November series,Lessons in Letting Go.
And today's topic is one thatkeeps circling back into my
(00:50):
life, both in uniform andoutside of it.
And we're talking about control,how it sneaks into everything,
how it disguises itself asdiscipline, and how it can fool
us into believing that if wejust hold on tight enough,
(01:12):
everything will go exactly asplanned.
But here's the thing (01:16):
sometimes control isn't giving us clarity,
but instead it's giving fear.
And sometimes the only wayforward is to loosen your grip
and let life do what it istrying to do.
(01:37):
And you control what you cancontrol.
Y'all ready for this one?
Alright, let's begin.
In this episode, I say resetsettings, but what I really
meant to say was factorysettings.
(01:59):
So keep that in mind as you'relistening to this episode.
First, let's ask where doescontrol come from?
I know for me it has been partof my identity for as long as I
can remember.
I grew up in a world wherecontrol meant survival.
(02:20):
If I could manage my environmentand stay ahead of it and keep
things in order, or at leastforesee what would happen, I'd
be safe.
And this is something that I hadto learn as an adult, that
that's the surviving mechanismthat I incurred through
(02:44):
surviving my environment as achild.
And it was that if I cancompensate for certain things,
and the way that I couldcompensate for certain things
was by trying to controleverything.
I have this fear of beingrejected and not being liked.
So if I can control how otherpeople saw me or felt about me,
(03:07):
then I can win over their love.
And I talked a little bit aboutthat in my last episode.
So I learned to try to controleverything in my environment as
a way to make me feel safe andas a way to fill my love bucket.
(03:27):
I just didn't know that I wasgoing about it all wrong.
And this also kind of turned mea little bit into a people
pleaser as well.
But that's for the anotherepisode, not for this one.
Let's concentrate on the traumathat I incurred that pushed me
to learn how to control myself,my environment, and other people
(03:49):
so that way I can feel safer.
Then I joined the military andcontrol became something else
entirely.
But I also think that I was ableto be successful because of that
trauma that I already had thattaught me how to control a lot
of things.
Okay, so remember that becausethis will come into play later
(04:11):
on in the episode.
Once again, if I could manage myenvironment, if I can stay ahead
of things, if I can keep thingsin order, people will love me,
people will like me, I will besafe.
So I kind of, in a way, withouteven knowing it, brought that
over into the military when Ijoin.
(04:33):
And also it aligned a lot withthe military because now
controlling kind of was a thing.
It's a big thing.
It's almost like policy, butthere's some nuance there that
I'm not giving to you just yet.
Okay.
There's structure, there'sorder, there's chain of command,
there's predictability.
(04:53):
So a lot of those things in thearmy is kind of like
controllish, but not really.
But because I was so good atcontrolling my environment, then
it helped me to be able to dothat, to have structure, to have
some sort of order.
And then when I became a juniorleader, maintain some order and
(05:18):
give predictability because Iwas able to control my
environment.
Because I've been doing it sinceI was very little.
It was already second nature.
And I think that's why, like Isaid, that's why I became
successful in the military,because I brought over that
mindset in there.
But then when it came to mywriting, this is where things
(05:39):
kind of go like, ooh, there'slike this break.
Because in writing and creativeprocess, that doesn't really
work.
Yes, you do need structure, andthat's why I have time blocks
and things of that nature.
You do need order, that's why mydesks have to be a certain way,
(05:59):
so that way I can function.
If not, I cannot function.
And you do need predictability,and that's why I plan my books
as if I am a project manager.
And we will talk a little bitabout that in another series.
But the creative aspect of itall of writing a book does not
(06:20):
necessarily thrive on control.
Creative works kind of laugh atcontrol.
You can't really scheduleinspiration, it just comes.
However, I can schedule when Isit on the chair and try to do
some things so that way it cancome out.
But also, you can't make thestory obey a certain timeline.
(06:44):
And I am what you call a planserwhere I plan things out, I plan
an outline, but I never stick toit because I write
character-centric stories, andthe characters end up just doing
what they need to do in order toreach their arc, in order to
reach that change in anenvironment that the reader will
(07:09):
want to see at the end of thenovel.
And because of that, I writekind of fluid outlines for my
books so that way I can movearound unrestricted and not feel
so guilty whenever I don't hiteverything that I put on the
outline.
And here's the thing (07:28):
you also can't demand that technology
cooperate just because you'vegot deadlines and pre-orders and
expectations.
And this is something that Italk about in a video on YouTube
and on TikTok as well.
And I'll link it here how mypre-order campaign just went
(07:48):
bust.
Because not the pre-ordercampaign itself, but the whole
billing of it because of pluginsand certain things that did not
work the way that I thought thatthey would work.
And I ended up having tomanually invoice everyone who
pre-ordered the ordinary Bruha.
(08:10):
So you see what I'm saying?
It's like as much as I wouldhave wanted to control every
single aspect of this, there'salways gonna be something that
just flops.
Murphy, as in Murphy's Law,would always happen.
And in particular, when it comesto this example I'm giving you,
(08:32):
I learned a really importantlesson and I learned it the hard
way.
And that is that when it comesto tech and creativity and other
things that I'm not necessarilypointing out here, it's just you
can't control it.
Because let me tell you aboutthis one weekend not too long
(08:52):
ago, like a week and ago, when Iwas finalizing pre-order goodies
for the ordinary Bruha,everything had to be perfect.
I had a checklist, of course.
I had timelines, of course,printer settings, camva files,
even the order of the packaginglaid out.
In my mind, I was running thislike a military operation, and I
(09:15):
often do.
I plan things like going T2Twith the planning process.
Plan, prepare, execute, assess,you know.
But technology had other plans,you know.
First, my website startedglitching.
Like I told you, the pluginswere not working, buttons were
(09:39):
being obscured because when Ifixed one thing, then it became
incompatible with another thing.
WooCommerce froze.
Like I said, the plugins justdecided to be like these rebel
moody teenagers, and then theprinter wouldn't align.
And several papers just rippedout of my cricket as I was
(10:02):
trying to print certain things,like the character cards and the
thank you cards.
My Canva files were just likenot the right symmetry, and I
had to redo that.
It just turned into hours offrustration and frustration
(10:23):
turned into tears.
And in the middle of it all, Iheard myself saying out loud, I
just need everything to go rightfor once.
For once.
(10:47):
Because here was I trying tocontrol every pixel, every line
of code, every outcome when noneof it was really in my control.
And that hit me hard.
I was exhausted.
And not because of the workitself, because none of it is
(11:08):
like manually intensive, butit's mentally exhausting because
of my resistance to accept that,that things go wrong.
That as much as one can planthings, and I'm not saying don't
plan, I will never not plan.
I will always plan.
(11:30):
But I admit that I need to bemore flexible and give myself
grace because things go wrong.
Websites, they crash, printers,they misbehave, plugins are
gonna be rebel teenagers, and Ineeded to admit to myself that
this happens, and it happens fora reason because sometimes the
(11:54):
detour that pause is the lesson.
And here's when we're gonna go alittle bit deeper into the army
side of the house, because inthat aspect of my life, control
and discipline they lookidentical from the outside, but
they kind of do, but there's adifference.
(12:15):
There was a nuance that I didn'tgive you before, and that is
that discipline is aboutpreparation, but control is
about fear.
So it's it's distinct when itcomes to that.
Discipline is about preparation,but control is about fear.
(12:36):
Discipline says, let's plan,let's prepare, but let's stay
adaptable.
Control says if I don'tmicromanage every detail, it'll
fall apart.
And when I told you that I wasvery successful at it, I was
very successful at the army,particularly as a junior leader,
(12:57):
which is more like a first-linemanager or middle manager.
But then I had to learn to letgo so that way I can allow
subordinates to do things ontheir own.
Because all I knew how to dowhen it came to leading and
(13:18):
managing was how to micromanagethe entire process or jump in
and do it myself.
So that way nothing will fallapart.
And the thing is that as youadvance, you learn very quickly,
and I learned this the hard way,that I could not do everything
(13:39):
because then the expand ofcontrol widens, it becomes much
bigger.
The organizations that I'mleading become way too big.
So I had to let go of that kindof control, even in the army,
and I had to then bring in thetrust and bring in the
(14:02):
teachings, bring in thetraining.
So that way I'm not onlyteaching myself to plan,
prepare, and stay adaptable, butI'm also teaching others that
were my subordinates or mycoworkers to do the same.
So that way the organizationbecomes more of a learning
organization and a moreadaptable organization as
(14:24):
opposed to one where everysingle trooper can only move
when one says go.
You see how ineffective that is?
That is control, which is veryineffective as opposed to
discipline when we're planning,when we're preparing ourselves,
(14:44):
and we're doing the thing, butwe're staying adaptable all
throughout.
That's a more flexible andeffective organization and
structure.
So that's why I said, like, Ididn't give you the nuance
before when I first startedtalking about it, but that's the
nuance there.
Discipline is about beingprepared and giving grace and
staying adaptable while controlis all about fear.
(15:08):
Because we're fearful of whatwill go wrong as opposed to
trusting and knowing that thingswill go wrong, but we can always
regroup and adapt and learnagain.
And guess out of discipline andcontrol, which one usually wins
when I'm stressed.
(15:29):
If you guess control, you guessright.
And I even caught myself sayingthat of like, oh my God, I just
need to do everything myself.
And stress brings on that.
I I believe that stress bringson the reset setting that
someone has.
(15:50):
And like I said, this issomething that has been
ingrained in me because of theenvironment that I grew up in,
to where like I need to be incontrol in order to feel safe.
So whenever I'm stressed, it'salmost like I go back to my
reset settings.
But I need to remind myself thatthat's not the right mindset to
(16:11):
have, that I have graduated fromthat mindset.
And that's something that I needto be cognizant of because this
weekend really stressed me outwith the tech issues, with the
plug-ins, the pre-order, and allof that.
But thankfully, I was able toget myself out of the mindset.
But I was kind of in thatmindset for a little bit, I'm
(16:33):
not gonna lie, over here andsaid that I've completely
overcome all of this.
I don't think I've overcome anyof my quote unquote bad habits
or my reset settings.
I think they're always there,but it's something that I always
have to be cognizant of, and I'malways gonna have to work
through to make sure that Idon't fall into those habits.
(16:57):
Because this weekend, this pastweekend, I did, and I had to
work it out so that way I cancome out of that.
You know, I had to tell myself,Joe, I control what you can
control.
And I remember I had to stepback, talk to myself kindly, and
kind of like be my owncheerleader, like you got this.
(17:19):
You know, when something didn'twork, I would just regroup, do
the little oosa, and be like,okay, this is not it.
This is good.
We found something that didn'twork.
Now let's go after somethingthat may.
And I had to talk to myself thisway until we figured it out.
You know, me and my crazy mindand filled with the voices
(17:40):
trying to bring me down, weworked it out until it was
fixed.
But it wasn't fixed right away.
It was something that I had togo back to and give myself
breaks because the stress wasoverwhelming me.
And if I allowed it to overwhelmme, then I would have gotten
physically ill or I would havejust stopped and not do it at
(18:03):
all.
I would have had to take an evenlonger break.
So I had to give myself thosevery conscious breaks while I
was working through this becauseit wasn't done in a span of an
hour, two hours, not even a day.
It took like that entire weekendof me coming back to my
computer, right?
Before I stressed myself out,working on something, coming to
(18:25):
a certain resolution for thatparticular issue, and then just
taking a pause, taking a break,or going to sleep that day, and
then coming back refresh thenext day and leaving myself
notes of what I'd done, what Ihad worked out, or what worked
really well, and what I stillhad left to do.
And that is something that Ialways tell people to do.
(18:50):
Like if you're feelingoverwhelmed, I get overwhelmed
when I have a lot of thingspiled on.
Because it's almost like mybrain is trying so hard to
capture everything, to just likeput everything into this purse
that is my brain.
But then having all those thingsthere just keeps my mind
(19:11):
constantly going because I'malways trying to find
continuously, even as I'm doingother things.
I'm trying to find solutions forthe problems that I just stuffed
in my bag.
Instead of going through that,because then I know for a fact
that I won't be able to getsleep if I go to bed like that.
What I do is I handwrite itdown.
I go the manual way.
(19:32):
I have a bullet journal andeverything is manual in there.
It's not, it's not a notes app,it's it's none of that.
It's like I manually write thethings that I still have left to
do.
I check off the things thatworked, I put a line through the
things that didn't work, so Iknow, but I do this manually and
then I set it right next to mycomputer, and that gives me
(19:54):
peace of mind that I am trackingthe things that I still need to
work on so they're not hoveringinside my mind as I'm trying to
go to sleep.
So that is something that I'velearned to do.
So that way I can get rest, Ican get sleep, which is very
much needed, so I can continueon pursuing my dreams the next
(20:14):
day.
But nevertheless, I had a minimeltdown when this happened.
And I did all those things thatI talked about with you, and it
was kind of like a surrender,you know, like just me telling
myself it's gonna get workedout.
I have no control right now ofwhen it will get worked out, I
(20:38):
just know that it will.
And I also don't have no controlon how it will get done, I just
know it will, and I don't have atimeline.
And it's kind of like thatsurrender that I had to do.
And that's why I said, like, Ilearned the hard way to let go
of control this weekend.
But while I know it in the backof my mind that it's not good to
(21:02):
be that controlling, you see howbecause I was so stressed when
things were going wrong, that Iturned to that right away.
I went back to my reset settingsand I had to remind myself and
work through that out so thatway I wouldn't stay stuck there.
And the way that I was able tocome out of that mindset was by
(21:25):
letting go of control,surrendering to the chaos and
coming up with my notes, right?
And writing down the things thatI still had left to do and the
things that I had tackled anddone, because that was very
important for me to showprogress to myself.
So that way I know that noteverything is bad, that not
(21:46):
everything is undone, that Ihave in fact accomplished some
things.
Now, here's the part that getsspooky in the best way.
Because this theme that we'retalking about today, this
obsession with control, isn'tjust my story, it's also
Salvador's story in the ordinarybruja.
(22:07):
I am telling you, for me, I minemy things, my trauma, my
shortcomings, and I put him intothese characters.
And this was something that Igave Salvador Espinal.
He represents that, herepresents what happens when you
try to contain power that'smeant to move freely.
(22:29):
He's that voice in my head thatsays, I can bend this to my
will, even when bending itdestroys it.
He's that, that voice.
And Marisol in the soy willshe's a counterbalance.
She learns that trying to forceher magic, trying to make it
(22:52):
behave a certain way backfires.
Her power only grows when shetrusts it, when she surrenders
to it.
And that's been my journey aswell.
The best moments in my art andlife have never come from
control.
Have never.
(23:13):
And I've said this before jokingwith people.
I get better when I stop givinga F.
That's when I let go of control.
Everything flows, you don'tunderstand.
And I've seen this in real life.
I remember I was like so woundup tight doing something.
(23:35):
I forgot what it was.
And then the minute I was like,F it, who cares what people
think?
It just flowed out of me.
And it was like this kind ofsurrender that created this
magnificent thing.
I think I was writing something,but I can't, I can't remember
exactly what I was doing.
(23:55):
But I remember that I was sowound up tight about it, about
the perception, about whatpeople will think.
And then the moment that I justlet go of that, and I was like
angry because nothing was comingout.
And then I just said, like, effit.
And I remember saying that andjust being so tired of feeling
(24:17):
that way and thinking that way.
And the moment that thathappened, poof, it was like the
floods, you know, it justeverything just flowed.
And that right there is a greatexample of how control is rooted
in despair, and it's also rootedin scarcity.
(24:40):
It says if I don't handleeverything, nothing will happen.
But creativity is actuallyrooted in surrender and freedom
and in abundance.
It whispers, even if thisdoesn't work, something else
will.
It was kind of like me saying,I'm gonna work this out.
I don't know exactly how, Idon't know when it will get
(25:02):
done, but I know I'm gonna workit out.
And I started writing uh thingsthat I could be doing and that I
would be doing.
You see, and the more that Itried to control my creative
process, the smaller it became.
But when I let it go, when Istopped policing every line,
every task, every outcome, andjust not giving an F, I created
(25:29):
from joy and it expanded.
That's where magic lives.
And that's also where theordinary Bruja was born from
that moment of I don't care.
I don't care what theseself-hating Dominicans think.
I don't care, I'm gonna writethis story.
That's how the ordinary Brujawas born.
(25:52):
It wasn't for me forcing myselfto create something perfect, but
from just surrendering to thisthought that I had that I had to
care about other people'sperception of my work, that if I
(26:12):
just control everything thatthere is about it, this will be
a perfect story that everyonewill want to read.
But when I let go of that,that's when the ordinary Bruha
was born.
And that's when a lot of thingsactually, when it comes to my
creative side and other sides ofme were born as well.
(26:34):
So here's what letting go ofcontrol has taught me.
And that is that control isoften fear, pretending to be
disciplined, that when youloosen your grip, you make space
for magic, and that life worksbetter when you work with it,
(26:55):
not against it.
Remember, I'm not saying abandonyour goals, I'm saying hold them
gently.
I'm not saying not to plan, notto prepare, I'm saying plan,
prepare, and then trust thatwhat's meant for you will flow
to you.
Sometimes it's gonna flow inmessy and unexpected ways, but
(27:19):
nevertheless, it will flow yourway.
If you can do that, if you canlet go, if you can surrender, if
you can be adaptable andflexible, if you can do that,
you'll find that the moments youused to label as quote unquote
failure often turn into thedetours that lead you exactly
(27:41):
where you need it to go.
So that's the lesson for today.
That's the lesson in letting gothat control isn't clarity.
It's fear, it's just noise thatkeeps us from hearing what's
really trying to come through.
When you release the need tocontrol, you make space for
alignment.
And that's where all the goodstuff lives.
(28:04):
And speaking of alignment,y'all, my novel, The Ordinary
Blue Ha, is officially out.
It's officially out.
Uh-uh.
It's been out for a week.
It's a story about identity,magic, and learning to trust
what's unfolding even when itdoesn't make sense.
If you've ever tried to controlan outcome out of fear, you'll
(28:24):
feel seen in Martisul's journey.
You can order your copy today athaveacoupani.com.
You can email me at Joa athaveacoupani.com.
You can check me out on TikTokat Couple Joani or at the Book
Bruja or on Instagram andthreads and Facebook at have a
cup of joani.
Until next time, remember youcan't force magic into a box.
(28:47):
Mm-mm.
You just have to make room forit to breathe.
Gotta let it breathe.
Alright, talk to y'all later.
Bye.
Oh we could weaken fly.
If today's episode spoke to you,share with somebody who's
finding their way back to.
And if you haven't yet, visithave the cupofjumani.com.
(29:11):
For more stories, blog posts,and started it all.
Thank you for being here.
Until next time, be stuck, bebold, and old.
Have a cup of joining.
Welcome back to the public.
It's about going to yourstomach.
To your point.
To your breath.
To the point you're starting.
And when you're starting off.
You're starting again.
This is your space to reflect,respect, remember to tell you.
(00:29):
So pour your cafecito and let'sbegin.
Hey y'all, and welcome back toHave a Cup of Johnny Podcast.
We are in our November series,Lessons in Letting Go.
And today's topic is one thatkeeps circling back into my
(00:50):
life, both in uniform andoutside of it.
And we're talking about control,how it sneaks into everything,
how it disguises itself asdiscipline, and how it can fool
us into believing that if wejust hold on tight enough,
(01:12):
everything will go exactly asplanned.
But here's the thing (01:16):
sometimes control isn't giving us clarity,
but instead it's giving fear.
And sometimes the only wayforward is to loosen your grip
and let life do what it istrying to do.
(01:37):
And you control what you cancontrol.
Y'all ready for this one?
Alright, let's begin.
In this episode, I say resetsettings, but what I really
meant to say was factorysettings.
(01:59):
So keep that in mind as you'relistening to this episode.
First, let's ask where doescontrol come from?
I know for me it has been partof my identity for as long as I
can remember.
I grew up in a world wherecontrol meant survival.
(02:20):
If I could manage my environmentand stay ahead of it and keep
things in order, or at leastforesee what would happen, I'd
be safe.
And this is something that I hadto learn as an adult, that
that's the surviving mechanismthat I incurred through
(02:44):
surviving my environment as achild.
And it was that if I cancompensate for certain things,
and the way that I couldcompensate for certain things
was by trying to controleverything.
I have this fear of beingrejected and not being liked.
So if I can control how otherpeople saw me or felt about me,
(03:07):
then I can win over their love.
And I talked a little bit aboutthat in my last episode.
So I learned to try to controleverything in my environment as
a way to make me feel safe andas a way to fill my love bucket.
(03:27):
I just didn't know that I wasgoing about it all wrong.
And this also kind of turned mea little bit into a people
pleaser as well.
But that's for the anotherepisode, not for this one.
Let's concentrate on the traumathat I incurred that pushed me
to learn how to control myself,my environment, and other people
(03:49):
so that way I can feel safer.
Then I joined the military andcontrol became something else
entirely.
But I also think that I was ableto be successful because of that
trauma that I already had thattaught me how to control a lot
of things.
Okay, so remember that becausethis will come into play later
(04:11):
on in the episode.
Once again, if I could manage myenvironment, if I can stay ahead
of things, if I can keep thingsin order, people will love me,
people will like me, I will besafe.
So I kind of, in a way, withouteven knowing it, brought that
over into the military when Ijoin.
(04:33):
And also it aligned a lot withthe military because now
controlling kind of was a thing.
It's a big thing.
It's almost like policy, butthere's some nuance there that
I'm not giving to you just yet.
Okay.
There's structure, there'sorder, there's chain of command,
there's predictability.
(04:53):
So a lot of those things in thearmy is kind of like
controllish, but not really.
But because I was so good atcontrolling my environment, then
it helped me to be able to dothat, to have structure, to have
some sort of order.
And then when I became a juniorleader, maintain some order and
(05:18):
give predictability because Iwas able to control my
environment.
Because I've been doing it sinceI was very little.
It was already second nature.
And I think that's why, like Isaid, that's why I became
successful in the military,because I brought over that
mindset in there.
But then when it came to mywriting, this is where things
(05:39):
kind of go like, ooh, there'slike this break.
Because in writing and creativeprocess, that doesn't really
work.
Yes, you do need structure, andthat's why I have time blocks
and things of that nature.
You do need order, that's why mydesks have to be a certain way,
(05:59):
so that way I can function.
If not, I cannot function.
And you do need predictability,and that's why I plan my books
as if I am a project manager.
And we will talk a little bitabout that in another series.
But the creative aspect of itall of writing a book does not
(06:20):
necessarily thrive on control.
Creative works kind of laugh atcontrol.
You can't really scheduleinspiration, it just comes.
However, I can schedule when Isit on the chair and try to do
some things so that way it cancome out.
But also, you can't make thestory obey a certain timeline.
(06:44):
And I am what you call a planserwhere I plan things out, I plan
an outline, but I never stick toit because I write
character-centric stories, andthe characters end up just doing
what they need to do in order toreach their arc, in order to
reach that change in anenvironment that the reader will
(07:09):
want to see at the end of thenovel.
And because of that, I writekind of fluid outlines for my
books so that way I can movearound unrestricted and not feel
so guilty whenever I don't hiteverything that I put on the
outline.
And here's the thing (07:28):
you also can't demand that technology
cooperate just because you'vegot deadlines and pre-orders and
expectations.
And this is something that Italk about in a video on YouTube
and on TikTok as well.
And I'll link it here how mypre-order campaign just went
(07:48):
bust.
Because not the pre-ordercampaign itself, but the whole
billing of it because of pluginsand certain things that did not
work the way that I thought thatthey would work.
And I ended up having tomanually invoice everyone who
pre-ordered the ordinary Bruha.
(08:10):
So you see what I'm saying?
It's like as much as I wouldhave wanted to control every
single aspect of this, there'salways gonna be something that
just flops.
Murphy, as in Murphy's Law,would always happen.
And in particular, when it comesto this example I'm giving you,
(08:32):
I learned a really importantlesson and I learned it the hard
way.
And that is that when it comesto tech and creativity and other
things that I'm not necessarilypointing out here, it's just you
can't control it.
Because let me tell you aboutthis one weekend not too long
(08:52):
ago, like a week and ago, when Iwas finalizing pre-order goodies
for the ordinary Bruha,everything had to be perfect.
I had a checklist, of course.
I had timelines, of course,printer settings, camva files,
even the order of the packaginglaid out.
In my mind, I was running thislike a military operation, and I
(09:15):
often do.
I plan things like going T2Twith the planning process.
Plan, prepare, execute, assess,you know.
But technology had other plans,you know.
First, my website startedglitching.
Like I told you, the pluginswere not working, buttons were
(09:39):
being obscured because when Ifixed one thing, then it became
incompatible with another thing.
WooCommerce froze.
Like I said, the plugins justdecided to be like these rebel
moody teenagers, and then theprinter wouldn't align.
And several papers just rippedout of my cricket as I was
(10:02):
trying to print certain things,like the character cards and the
thank you cards.
My Canva files were just likenot the right symmetry, and I
had to redo that.
It just turned into hours offrustration and frustration
(10:23):
turned into tears.
And in the middle of it all, Iheard myself saying out loud, I
just need everything to go rightfor once.
For once.
(10:47):
Because here was I trying tocontrol every pixel, every line
of code, every outcome when noneof it was really in my control.
And that hit me hard.
I was exhausted.
And not because of the workitself, because none of it is
(11:08):
like manually intensive, butit's mentally exhausting because
of my resistance to accept that,that things go wrong.
That as much as one can planthings, and I'm not saying don't
plan, I will never not plan.
I will always plan.
(11:30):
But I admit that I need to bemore flexible and give myself
grace because things go wrong.
Websites, they crash, printers,they misbehave, plugins are
gonna be rebel teenagers, and Ineeded to admit to myself that
this happens, and it happens fora reason because sometimes the
(11:54):
detour that pause is the lesson.
And here's when we're gonna go alittle bit deeper into the army
side of the house, because inthat aspect of my life, control
and discipline they lookidentical from the outside, but
they kind of do, but there's adifference.
(12:15):
There was a nuance that I didn'tgive you before, and that is
that discipline is aboutpreparation, but control is
about fear.
So it's it's distinct when itcomes to that.
Discipline is about preparation,but control is about fear.
(12:36):
Discipline says, let's plan,let's prepare, but let's stay
adaptable.
Control says if I don'tmicromanage every detail, it'll
fall apart.
And when I told you that I wasvery successful at it, I was
very successful at the army,particularly as a junior leader,
(12:57):
which is more like a first-linemanager or middle manager.
But then I had to learn to letgo so that way I can allow
subordinates to do things ontheir own.
Because all I knew how to dowhen it came to leading and
(13:18):
managing was how to micromanagethe entire process or jump in
and do it myself.
So that way nothing will fallapart.
And the thing is that as youadvance, you learn very quickly,
and I learned this the hard way,that I could not do everything
(13:39):
because then the expand ofcontrol widens, it becomes much
bigger.
The organizations that I'mleading become way too big.
So I had to let go of that kindof control, even in the army,
and I had to then bring in thetrust and bring in the
(14:02):
teachings, bring in thetraining.
So that way I'm not onlyteaching myself to plan,
prepare, and stay adaptable, butI'm also teaching others that
were my subordinates or mycoworkers to do the same.
So that way the organizationbecomes more of a learning
organization and a moreadaptable organization as
(14:24):
opposed to one where everysingle trooper can only move
when one says go.
You see how ineffective that is?
That is control, which is veryineffective as opposed to
discipline when we're planning,when we're preparing ourselves,
(14:44):
and we're doing the thing, butwe're staying adaptable all
throughout.
That's a more flexible andeffective organization and
structure.
So that's why I said, like, Ididn't give you the nuance
before when I first startedtalking about it, but that's the
nuance there.
Discipline is about beingprepared and giving grace and
staying adaptable while controlis all about fear.
(15:08):
Because we're fearful of whatwill go wrong as opposed to
trusting and knowing that thingswill go wrong, but we can always
regroup and adapt and learnagain.
And guess out of discipline andcontrol, which one usually wins
when I'm stressed.
(15:29):
If you guess control, you guessright.
And I even caught myself sayingthat of like, oh my God, I just
need to do everything myself.
And stress brings on that.
I I believe that stress bringson the reset setting that
someone has.
(15:50):
And like I said, this issomething that has been
ingrained in me because of theenvironment that I grew up in,
to where like I need to be incontrol in order to feel safe.
So whenever I'm stressed, it'salmost like I go back to my
reset settings.
But I need to remind myself thatthat's not the right mindset to
(16:11):
have, that I have graduated fromthat mindset.
And that's something that I needto be cognizant of because this
weekend really stressed me outwith the tech issues, with the
plug-ins, the pre-order, and allof that.
But thankfully, I was able toget myself out of the mindset.
But I was kind of in thatmindset for a little bit, I'm
(16:33):
not gonna lie, over here andsaid that I've completely
overcome all of this.
I don't think I've overcome anyof my quote unquote bad habits
or my reset settings.
I think they're always there,but it's something that I always
have to be cognizant of, and I'malways gonna have to work
through to make sure that Idon't fall into those habits.
(16:57):
Because this weekend, this pastweekend, I did, and I had to
work it out so that way I cancome out of that.
You know, I had to tell myself,Joe, I control what you can
control.
And I remember I had to stepback, talk to myself kindly, and
kind of like be my owncheerleader, like you got this.
(17:19):
You know, when something didn'twork, I would just regroup, do
the little oosa, and be like,okay, this is not it.
This is good.
We found something that didn'twork.
Now let's go after somethingthat may.
And I had to talk to myself thisway until we figured it out.
You know, me and my crazy mindand filled with the voices
(17:40):
trying to bring me down, weworked it out until it was
fixed.
But it wasn't fixed right away.
It was something that I had togo back to and give myself
breaks because the stress wasoverwhelming me.
And if I allowed it to overwhelmme, then I would have gotten
physically ill or I would havejust stopped and not do it at
(18:03):
all.
I would have had to take an evenlonger break.
So I had to give myself thosevery conscious breaks while I
was working through this becauseit wasn't done in a span of an
hour, two hours, not even a day.
It took like that entire weekendof me coming back to my
computer, right?
Before I stressed myself out,working on something, coming to
(18:25):
a certain resolution for thatparticular issue, and then just
taking a pause, taking a break,or going to sleep that day, and
then coming back refresh thenext day and leaving myself
notes of what I'd done, what Ihad worked out, or what worked
really well, and what I stillhad left to do.
And that is something that Ialways tell people to do.
(18:50):
Like if you're feelingoverwhelmed, I get overwhelmed
when I have a lot of thingspiled on.
Because it's almost like mybrain is trying so hard to
capture everything, to just likeput everything into this purse
that is my brain.
But then having all those thingsthere just keeps my mind
(19:11):
constantly going because I'malways trying to find
continuously, even as I'm doingother things.
I'm trying to find solutions forthe problems that I just stuffed
in my bag.
Instead of going through that,because then I know for a fact
that I won't be able to getsleep if I go to bed like that.
What I do is I handwrite itdown.
I go the manual way.
(19:32):
I have a bullet journal andeverything is manual in there.
It's not, it's not a notes app,it's it's none of that.
It's like I manually write thethings that I still have left to
do.
I check off the things thatworked, I put a line through the
things that didn't work, so Iknow, but I do this manually and
then I set it right next to mycomputer, and that gives me
(19:54):
peace of mind that I am trackingthe things that I still need to
work on so they're not hoveringinside my mind as I'm trying to
go to sleep.
So that is something that I'velearned to do.
So that way I can get rest, Ican get sleep, which is very
much needed, so I can continueon pursuing my dreams the next
(20:14):
day.
But nevertheless, I had a minimeltdown when this happened.
And I did all those things thatI talked about with you, and it
was kind of like a surrender,you know, like just me telling
myself it's gonna get workedout.
I have no control right now ofwhen it will get worked out, I
(20:38):
just know that it will.
And I also don't have no controlon how it will get done, I just
know it will, and I don't have atimeline.
And it's kind of like thatsurrender that I had to do.
And that's why I said, like, Ilearned the hard way to let go
of control this weekend.
But while I know it in the backof my mind that it's not good to
(21:02):
be that controlling, you see howbecause I was so stressed when
things were going wrong, that Iturned to that right away.
I went back to my reset settingsand I had to remind myself and
work through that out so thatway I wouldn't stay stuck there.
And the way that I was able tocome out of that mindset was by
(21:25):
letting go of control,surrendering to the chaos and
coming up with my notes, right?
And writing down the things thatI still had left to do and the
things that I had tackled anddone, because that was very
important for me to showprogress to myself.
So that way I know that noteverything is bad, that not
(21:46):
everything is undone, that Ihave in fact accomplished some
things.
Now, here's the part that getsspooky in the best way.
Because this theme that we'retalking about today, this
obsession with control, isn'tjust my story, it's also
Salvador's story in the ordinarybruja.
(22:07):
I am telling you, for me, I minemy things, my trauma, my
shortcomings, and I put him intothese characters.
And this was something that Igave Salvador Espinal.
He represents that, herepresents what happens when you
try to contain power that'smeant to move freely.
(22:29):
He's that voice in my head thatsays, I can bend this to my
will, even when bending itdestroys it.
He's that, that voice.
And Marisol in the soy willshe's a counterbalance.
She learns that trying to forceher magic, trying to make it
(22:52):
behave a certain way backfires.
Her power only grows when shetrusts it, when she surrenders
to it.
And that's been my journey aswell.
The best moments in my art andlife have never come from
control.
Have never.
(23:13):
And I've said this before jokingwith people.
I get better when I stop givinga F.
That's when I let go of control.
Everything flows, you don'tunderstand.
And I've seen this in real life.
I remember I was like so woundup tight doing something.
(23:35):
I forgot what it was.
And then the minute I was like,F it, who cares what people
think?
It just flowed out of me.
And it was like this kind ofsurrender that created this
magnificent thing.
I think I was writing something,but I can't, I can't remember
exactly what I was doing.
(23:55):
But I remember that I was sowound up tight about it, about
the perception, about whatpeople will think.
And then the moment that I justlet go of that, and I was like
angry because nothing was comingout.
And then I just said, like, effit.
And I remember saying that andjust being so tired of feeling
(24:17):
that way and thinking that way.
And the moment that thathappened, poof, it was like the
floods, you know, it justeverything just flowed.
And that right there is a greatexample of how control is rooted
in despair, and it's also rootedin scarcity.
(24:40):
It says if I don't handleeverything, nothing will happen.
But creativity is actuallyrooted in surrender and freedom
and in abundance.
It whispers, even if thisdoesn't work, something else
will.
It was kind of like me saying,I'm gonna work this out.
I don't know exactly how, Idon't know when it will get
(25:02):
done, but I know I'm gonna workit out.
And I started writing uh thingsthat I could be doing and that I
would be doing.
You see, and the more that Itried to control my creative
process, the smaller it became.
But when I let it go, when Istopped policing every line,
every task, every outcome, andjust not giving an F, I created
(25:29):
from joy and it expanded.
That's where magic lives.
And that's also where theordinary Bruja was born from
that moment of I don't care.
I don't care what theseself-hating Dominicans think.
I don't care, I'm gonna writethis story.
That's how the ordinary Brujawas born.
(25:52):
It wasn't for me forcing myselfto create something perfect, but
from just surrendering to thisthought that I had that I had to
care about other people'sperception of my work, that if I
(26:12):
just control everything thatthere is about it, this will be
a perfect story that everyonewill want to read.
But when I let go of that,that's when the ordinary Bruha
was born.
And that's when a lot of thingsactually, when it comes to my
creative side and other sides ofme were born as well.
(26:34):
So here's what letting go ofcontrol has taught me.
And that is that control isoften fear, pretending to be
disciplined, that when youloosen your grip, you make space
for magic, and that life worksbetter when you work with it,
(26:55):
not against it.
Remember, I'm not saying abandonyour goals, I'm saying hold them
gently.
I'm not saying not to plan, notto prepare, I'm saying plan,
prepare, and then trust thatwhat's meant for you will flow
to you.
Sometimes it's gonna flow inmessy and unexpected ways, but
(27:19):
nevertheless, it will flow yourway.
If you can do that, if you canlet go, if you can surrender, if
you can be adaptable andflexible, if you can do that,
you'll find that the moments youused to label as quote unquote
failure often turn into thedetours that lead you exactly
(27:41):
where you need it to go.
So that's the lesson for today.
That's the lesson in letting gothat control isn't clarity.
It's fear, it's just noise thatkeeps us from hearing what's
really trying to come through.
When you release the need tocontrol, you make space for
alignment.
And that's where all the goodstuff lives.
(28:04):
And speaking of alignment,y'all, my novel, The Ordinary
Blue Ha, is officially out.
It's officially out.
Uh-uh.
It's been out for a week.
It's a story about identity,magic, and learning to trust
what's unfolding even when itdoesn't make sense.
If you've ever tried to controlan outcome out of fear, you'll
(28:24):
feel seen in Martisul's journey.
You can order your copy today athaveacoupani.com.
You can email me at Joa athaveacoupani.com.
You can check me out on TikTokat Couple Joani or at the Book
Bruja or on Instagram andthreads and Facebook at have a
cup of joani.
Until next time, remember youcan't force magic into a box.
(28:47):
Mm-mm.
You just have to make room forit to breathe.
Gotta let it breathe.
Alright, talk to y'all later.
Bye.
Oh we could weaken fly.
If today's episode spoke to you,share with somebody who's
finding their way back to.
And if you haven't yet, visithave the cupofjumani.com.
(29:11):
For more stories, blog posts,and started it all.
Thank you for being here.
Until next time, be stuck, bebold, and old.
Have a cup of joining.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Bobby Bones Show
Listen to 'The Bobby Bones Show' by downloading the daily full replay.