November 5, 2025 • 35 mins
Perfectionism loves to lie to us—it says, “If it’s flawless, you’ll finally be safe from criticism.” But the truth is, perfectionism doesn’t protect you—it prevents you.
In this episode of Have a Cup of Johanny, I share what letting go of perfectionism has taught me as a writer, soldier, and creative woman. From the late-night rewrites that nearly drained the joy out of The Ordinary Bruja to learning that my worth isn’t measured by polish, this conversation is for anyone who’s ever felt trapped by their own standards.
You’ll also hear about my favorite chipped mug—a reminder that imperfection is where the beauty really lives. Inspired by The Parable of the Chipped Mug, this story helped me see that what’s cracked can still carry warmth, purpose, and love.
✨ The Ordinary Bruja is officially out now! It’s a story about identity, belief, and self-trust—a reminder that you don’t need to be perfect to be powerful.
Order your copy today and step into Marisol’s world of Dominican magic and self-discovery:
If today’s episode hit you in the chest the way it hit me, don’t just walk away—walk toward something that reflects you.
Subscribe to the podcast, hit that YouTube channel for the behind-the-scenes, and if you’re ready to read a story about what it really means to come home to yourself—
👉🏽 Preorder The Ordinary Bruja.
https://haveacupofjohanny.com/product/the-ordinary-bruja-book-one-of-las-cerradoras-series-j-e-ortega/
It’s about a Dominican-American bruja who’s been running from herself her whole life until ancestral magic, generational wounds, and a haunted-ass hill force her to face the truth.
If you’ve ever felt “too much,” “not enough,” or like you don’t fit anywhere, you’re exactly who this story was written for.
🎙️ Subscribe.
📺 Follow on YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC2SRDePbyy8M85Wbf25VUCg
📚 Preorder The Ordinary Bruja. https://haveacupofjohanny.com/product/the-ordinary-bruja-book-one-of-las-cerradoras-series-j-e-ortega/
Because becoming who you are is the bravest kind of magic.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:09):
It's about coming to your stuff.
To your point.
To your breath.
To the point you're starting.
And you're not starting.
You're starting to.
This is your space to reflect.
So pour your cafe seco and let'sbegin.
(00:37):
Hello everyone, and welcome backto Have a Cup of Johnny Podcast.
I am your host, Joa, and thismonth, the month of November, we
are continuing on with thelessons I've learned.
And this time we're gonna gowith lessons in letting go.
(01:00):
That's the theme of all thelittle things I had to let go in
order to grow.
A lot of time we may think thatletting go is giving up or
letting go is taking away fromthe self.
But what letting go has taughtme is that sometimes you have to
(01:21):
let go of certain things so thatway others can come in and
expand you and help you grow alittle bit more.
So I have learned to see the actof letting go as pruning, as
shedding, so that way I can growin a much better way than
(01:45):
before.
So that is our theme for thismonth.
And today we're going to bediscussing letting go of
perfectionism.
(02:10):
It is this story that has beenliving with me for years, years.
It started as Instabruja, whichwas a micro story on Instagram
through the story format onInstagram.
I released it during COVID as away to connect and share in some
(02:30):
sort of joy or entertainmenttowards others that were stuck
at home or were going throughsome very traumatic and
difficult things in their livesat that time.
And that was my way of givingback to others and giving back
to myself.
And then something happened, andthat story turned into something
(02:51):
completely different.
It stopped being this whimsicalshort story or micro story, as I
stated, and it became thisfull-length psychological horror
with touches of magical realismand gothic, which became instead
of the insta bruja, the ordinarybruja.
Marisol has always been part ofthis story.
(03:14):
That's the main character in thehill, has always been part of
this story.
And the hill has always heldthis mystical growth symbol in
the story, something thatMarisol has to climb in order to
find herself that has stayedvery constant.
But a lot of different thingschange.
(03:34):
So it's being released onNovember 4th.
So by the time you listen tothis episode, it would have
already been released.
So I encourage you all to goahead and get it.
It is an ebook in paperback aswell as hardback.
And I am currently working onthe audiobook.
So it will be on audiobook aswell in a month or two.
(03:57):
But yeah, get it so that way youcan read what it's all about and
you can kind of understand.
Because if you're listening tothis podcast and you have been
listening to this podcast, youkind of know my inner workings
and you would understand thestory perhaps a little bit more
than someone who has never heardthis podcast because you kind of
(04:18):
have seen or peeked a little bitinside my mind.
But nevertheless, the theme islessons in letting go, because
pushing out this book has pushedme to let go and continue to let
go of certain things.
Perfectionism being one of thosemain things that I am constantly
(04:42):
striving to shed and to not pickback up because perfectionism
has followed me like a shadow.
Like a shadow.
(05:27):
It is a myth, it is a myth, itis a myth, I am telling you.
I grew up believing that doingeverything perfect was how you
earned love, how you earnedrespect and safety.
In the army, for sure,perfectionism is rewarded.
I wouldn't say it's much of amyth there because a lot of the
(05:47):
times precision saves lives.
So perfectionism is rewarded,but it has a good reason as to
why.
In school, though, being a goodstudent, it kept me out of
trouble.
And it also fed into my ego andinto my love bucket.
But it wasn't the right way toearn love.
(06:08):
I didn't know that then.
But I was trying to do thatthrough good grades and just
being a perfect student.
And as a mom, I also brought inperfection because I thought
that perfection would protect myson from the same chaos I grew
up in.
And I was wrong.
And as a writer, I mean this onecuts deep as well because
(06:37):
perfectionism in writing, thatis truly paralysis in disguise.
And it's so insidious.
When I was drafting the ordinaryBruha, there were nights that
I'd sit at my desk in earlymornings, because that's really
(06:57):
when I do my drafting, and juststare at a single sentence for
hours, or just don't move from apassage.
(07:24):
People, during the draftingphase, when you should just be
spilling everything out, right?
And I used to tell myself, if itis perfect, then no one will
reject it.
No one will say that my storysucks.
But that's the trap right there.
Because perfectionism didn'tprotect me from getting bad
(07:50):
reviews or someone rejecting mystory or not liking it.
Instead, what it was doing, itwas preventing me from finishing
it.
And if you're listening rightnow and you've been holding on
to something like me, a bookidea, a business, a dream, an
action, because it's not quoteunquote ready yet.
(08:14):
I want you to ask yourself, isit not ready?
Or am I just afraid and holdingmyself back?
And think think about thosequestions and also think about
the answer that comes forward.
Because perfectionism is justfear wearing makeup.
(08:39):
It's the fear of being seen.
I know for me, that's a big one.
The fear of not being enough,the fear of rejection.
So it's kind of like controldoubt again, dressed up as
preparation.
When I think about where thatcame from for me, I realize it
(09:02):
wasn't just about the task, itwas about worth.
Because in my mind, I'm like, ifI could make it perfect, no one
could say I wasn't smart enoughor creative enough or
professional enough or Latinaenough or disciplined enough
because that's another thing.
Perfectionism disguises asdiscipline sometimes.
(09:26):
So you need to be aware of that.
And you see, that's the problembecause perfectionism turns your
work into armor.
It makes you think that if youpolish it enough, it'll hurt
less when people criticize it.
News flash, it does not.
(09:46):
But also, like if you're in thecreative spectrum, let me just
tell you this, and I'm tellingthis to myself as well.
And that is that art isn'tarmor, it's meant to be
connection.
And connection only happens whenyou leave the cracks in.
Because through those cracks,you can peek into the humanity
(10:10):
of the person that did thatcreation.
Let me tell you a quick storybecause I've been reading up a
little bit about the broken mugstory or allegory or parable, if
you may.
I think it's more like aparable.
And I found this, I read it in alot of different blogs, and
(10:35):
finally the one that I'm kind oflike, okay, this is this is
something that I want to sharewith my audience, and it's
coming from stemit.com.
And it is spelledst-e-e-m-i-t.com.
And here it is, and this is fromeight years ago, and it's called
the Parable of the Chipped Mug.
(10:57):
And it says here, I rememberreading a short picture book as
a child in grade school, and themessage of the story remains
with me to this day.
I don't recall the title or theauthor.
Many details of the story remainhazy.
My efforts to rediscover thesource has been fruitless, as my
efforts as well.
(11:18):
So I must paraphrase the storyfor you here as best as I can.
The story tells of a group ofchildren in primary school.
Every day lunch would be servedand milk would be provided in
enamel mugs.
Most of the mugs showedsomewhere from years of daily
use, but one mug in particularwas worse than the others.
(11:39):
It was cracked and had recentlyacquired a sizable chip along
the rim.
I had a mug like that as well inreal life.
And the child that received thechip mug for the day would be
teased by the others.
None of the children wanted todrink their milk out of the
chip, cracked, less than perfectmug.
(12:02):
None of the children, well,except for one.
One day a small little girl in avery quiet voice piped up as the
cups of milk were being issued.
May I have that chip mug,please?
She sat for lunch and happilydrank her milk out of the
cracked chip mug while the otherchildren laughed and teased her.
(12:27):
At lunch the next day sheexcitedly asked for the beat up
mug again, and so it went on,the small little girl happily
drinking her milk with lunchevery day.
The chipped mug became specialto her.
Soon, another child asked for aturn, drinking out of the
(12:47):
chipped mug.
Before long, the chipped,cracked, worn out mug became a
favorite of the children.
And the child who received themug with their lunch for the day
felt quite special indeed.
So this is what they called, andthis is Fluster Farm wrote it
(13:09):
eight years ago, and they havetitled this The Parable of the
Chipped Mug.
And it tells you a lot here.
To me, it tells me that not onlyis perfectionism a myth, but
also that we assign values tothings.
(13:30):
So we get to determine what isperfect and what is beautiful.
And that's why I go back toperfectionism is a myth, is
something that we have made upbased on whatever math we had
computated in our brain.
(13:52):
But because it's a made-up mathand made-up computation, we can
easily dismiss it and we caneasily assign value to something
else that we care more about orsomething else that we want to
do in order to change the statusquo.
And you see that happeningrecently in the beauty industry
(14:17):
where we're breaking out moreand more from the normative
beauty standard that we haveseen for years, and we have
steadily been assigning value toother things that before we have
not, or recently we have not.
Because if you notice throughoutthe decades of life, of society,
(14:40):
of the world, what is perfectand what is beauty has been
varied.
It has been vastly different,and it also depends on the
region, the country, theclimate, the culture that
someone is part of as well.
So as you can see, when we kindof like close ourselves off to
(15:06):
this idea of what is perfect, westart to believe that that's the
only way, that's the only thing,that's the only computation that
we can ever use to come up withwhat is perfect, but it's not.
Here in the story of or theparable of the chip mug, this
(15:29):
little girl, she chose to dosomething different, she chose
to drink out of the imperfectmug, and thus she gave it value.
Because I told you as I wasreading the story that I had a
(15:50):
mug like that, and I wasn't likethis little girl, I threw mine
away because instead of seeingthe usefulness of it, I was just
more focused on how it was gonnarub my lip the wrong way or in
an uncomfortable way, I shouldsay, and that it would just
(16:11):
upset me time and time again.
As opposed to me thinking, well,this mug still works.
I can place my lips on the otherside of that rim, which is like
plenty of space there that stillworks, but instead I was like,
I'm going to discard it, I'mgoing to throw it away because
it's no longer perfect, eventhough it still did its thing.
(16:37):
It was still meeting itspurpose.
It just aesthetically didn'tlook like the other mugs.
And I'm saying this out loudright now, and I'm like, out of
everyone in this world, I shouldknow that.
Because I was born imperfectlywith a lazy eye.
So superficially, I lookdifferent than the quote unquote
(17:02):
norm, but my eye stillfunctions.
So it still does its thing, itstill does what it's meant to
do, which is see.
And for whatever reason, thedoctors didn't understand how,
but I guess because this is howI was born, so my brain was able
to rewire itself.
(17:22):
It's very moldable when you'reyoung.
So I never saw double.
When other people, like if theyget this condition later on,
usually they see double.
But I think it that's becausetheir brain has already wired
itself a certain way, while mybrain got to mold itself around
this condition that I have,which is why it's a condition
(17:43):
and not a disability.
And out of everybody, I shouldknow that being imperfect does
not mean that one can bediscarded or that one cannot do
the thing that they were meantto do.
You know, but it's just it's socrazy how that myth of
imperfection gets you.
(18:04):
Because you you are seeingthings in your world that are a
certain way.
And the minute you see somethingthat is not that way or doesn't
follow that trend, thenautomatically you want to reject
it.
It's almost like that's yourfirst instinct to reject it.
And and I'm starting to do apause in there as opposed to
(18:27):
just a full-on rejection andhave myself ask these questions.
Does it still meet this purpose?
Is it still usable?
Is it just aestheticallydifferent?
Because that is why I say thatthe myth of perfection is so
insidious.
(18:48):
And I can take this to mywriting.
Let me give you another examplebecause this just happened
recently.
So I just packed a pre-orderlast night, actually.
I just packed the pre-order lastnight.
I'm hoping I get a few morebefore November 4th.
And I saw in there that in mybonus chapter, I had put the
(19:10):
word 2 T-O-O as opposed to 2 T WO.
A very humanistic thing to, forme at least, superhuman here,
people.
That sometimes I write a wordthat has the same sound but
(19:30):
different spelling.
I write the wrong one in themanuscript.
I have caught myself doing thisseveral times.
The bonus chapter is not achapter that went through all my
editors, it's just a chapterthat I have self-edited because
I didn't put it in themanuscript when I sent it to the
editor because it was a chapterthat I pulled out of the
(19:51):
manuscript.
And editors, they charge basedoff of words.
So as I was self-editing mychapter, I was taking out those
things that I felt was redundantor didn't move the story
forward.
However, I keep some of thosethings because I could
eventually use it on anotherstory in the trilogy, or I can
use it for this to give to myreaders as additional bonus
(20:17):
stuff that were once part of thestory, but on the published
version, it was not.
And this was one of thosethings.
And I had already printed andput the chapter together.
And let me tell you how manytimes I was like, I'm going to
trash this and do it all overagain.
(20:38):
It was late for me.
I was already tired.
I knew that I would just beputting my sleep in the back
burner, which I shouldn't dobecause then it messes up my
entire next day.
But I was here looking at thisimperfection, and I wanted to
(21:00):
trash it and start all over.
But then I was like, Joah, it'sjust a bonus chapter.
Why don't you just cross it out?
And it was so, I can't believelike that was not the first
thing that came to my mind.
The first thing that came to mymind was, I'm gonna trash this
and I'm gonna start again.
(21:20):
And then when I started to startagain, I noticed that I needed
to do even more steps because Ineeded to rewrite it on the Word
document, then export it into aPDF format, into Affinity
Publisher, and then put thepages on the layout of a Zion
and then print it out.
So I would have had to do likefour more steps.
(21:41):
And I was already tired and Ineeded to get my sleep so that
way I can come back in themorning and record this podcast
and do other things as wellbefore I go into work, you see.
So being a perfectionist, if Iwould have stuck with like doing
it all over again, it would havecost me more than just that
time.
It would have cost me my timethe next day as well.
(22:05):
It would have cost me like mywell-being for the entire next
day because if I miss sleep, itaffects me.
I drag the entire next day and Icannot recover.
I know this about myself.
But I wanted to do that.
I wanted to put myself in thatpredicament just so that this
(22:26):
one thing could be perfect.
But I am so thankful that, likethis little girl on the chipmug
parable, I stopped and I askedmyself, like, is this really
necessary?
Can I just cross it out?
And it will meet the intent.
(22:47):
It will show the reader thatit's supposed to be a TWO, not a
T-O-O.
And I answered myself, I waslike, yes, it will still meet
the intent.
And that's what I did.
And then I put it on the paddedenvelope, and I closed that
order, put the shipping label onit, and put it in the box to be
(23:11):
shipped the next day.
You see, but I was holding back.
So that's what I'm saying.
Perfecism is this thing, thisforce that controls you, that
holds you back from thinkingit's enough.
Move forward.
(23:31):
So that's why I want y'all topay attention to this when it
comes through for you, because Iknow it does for me, because I
have the trauma of beingrejected, of being neglected, of
not being loved.
And I found that by being areally good girl, by being
perfect, that I gainedadmiration and I mistook
(23:53):
admiration for love.
And that's why I say, like, Ithought it was filling my love
bucket, but it wasn't.
It was just me building on thattrauma in the only way that I
knew as a child, by being a goodgirl, by being a good kid.
And that turned intoperfectionism as an adult.
So I want y'all to pay attentionto that because as you can see,
(24:16):
it can cause chaos.
It could be a detriment to yourgrowth, to your mental health,
to your well-being, to yoursteps moving forward in your
life to learn, to grow, tobecome better, to expand into
the version that you're meant tobe.
(24:37):
And yesterday I went throughthat.
And I'm glad I caught it and I'mtalking to y'all about it.
So please pay attention to thoseparts of your day or of your
life where it comes through.
And that way you can catch it soit doesn't stop you from moving
(24:58):
forward.
Because here's the thing thatperfectionism also doesn't tell
you, and that is that it'sexhausting.
It is exhausting, it's a movingtarget, y'all, because perfect
never stays still.
And when you finally finishsomething, instead of
(25:18):
celebrating, you find the flaws.
And guess what?
All those times I held myselfback.
Thankfully, I finished theordinary Bruha is being released
tomorrow on November 4th.
But all those days that I heldmyself back because I thought it
wasn't perfect, and I went backand rewrite and rewrite and
(25:41):
rewrite until I will go back tothe paragraph that I started
with and that told me I had gonetoo far into this perfectionism
rabbit hole.
I will never get it back.
I will never get those daysback.
Never, never, never.
And I could think about all thethings that if I wouldn't have
held back, I would have beenbetter off.
(26:03):
But even that, it's another signof perfectionism, of me saying
should've, could have, would've,and beating myself up over it.
So I'm not, but I am tellingyou, look out for those things.
And let me say this clearly.
So that way we're all in thesame sheet of music here.
And I'm sorry if I'm soundingpreachy, but I don't want y'all
(26:24):
to be in the same predicament asme because it's so insidious,
it's horrible, it's like thishole that is so hard to come out
of.
But you're allowed to be proudof your progress, even if it's
messy, even if it's a bonuschapter that you cross out one
word and put the right one in.
(26:45):
You're allowed to be happy aboutthat.
You're allowed to be proud ofthat progress.
You're allowed to rest even whenit's not done, so you can get
back up the next day and hit itagain.
And you're allowed to be inprocess and still be worthy of
joy.
And when I say process, I meanyou are allowed to be becoming,
(27:10):
like Michelle Obama says in herbook, like in this stasis of
constantly moving forward,learning and growing.
God, I hope that you're alwaysin process.
Because that's where we need tobe.
Always in process, moving, notstagnant.
So think about it that way.
(27:31):
No, I'm supposed to be this way,always learning from what you
could have done better.
Take that as a joyful momentwhen you spot those things.
So that way in the nextiteration, you can do it better.
But understanding thatperfectionism, the act of
(27:51):
something or someone beingperfect, is erroneous.
It's a lie, it's a myth.
So, how do we let go ofperfectionism?
Well, for me, it starts withproof.
You heard me say this before.
Proof.
I proved to myself time and timeagain that being done is better
(28:14):
than being perfect.
When I hit publish on my firstblog post, even though it wasn't
exactly how I wanted it, peoplestill connected with it.
They sent me messages, they hitlikes, they related to it.
That was proof.
Was it poorly written?
(28:34):
Yes.
Was it missing a few commas?
I hate commas, I don't know howto use them.
Yes.
But it did what it was supposedto do.
The blonde post was supposed toconnect with people, and that's
what it did.
And the proof was the comments,the messages, the little hearts
(28:55):
on the likes.
You know, that was the proof.
When I designed my first bookcover, oof, it was horrible.
But some people knew the genrefrom it, so it did what it was
supposed to do.
I don't think I'll ever do thatagain, but I tried, you know,
(29:18):
and that was proof.
I tried, I did somethingimperfect, but while it was
superficially imperfect, it didwhat it was supposed to do.
That was proof.
And every time I share somethingimperfect, and someone says, Oh,
that helped me.
Oh, I can see myself in thisstory.
(29:40):
Oh, this story felt like a warmhug.
That's more proof that mypurpose, what I do, isn't
perfection.
My purpose is not in perfection,it's in honesty, in
authenticity.
So now I I try to give myselfthree permissions.
(30:02):
Permission to show up messy as Iam, permission to learn publicly
and to fail publicly as well.
It's a harsh thing to do, but ithappens, especially in this
world that we live in, where alot of things are on social
media.
So I give myself thatpermission.
(30:22):
Permission to celebrate progressinstead of polish.
Because letting go isn't justemotional, it's practical.
It's these small acts of releaseevery day that by shedding them,
I am allowing myself to expand.
(30:43):
And this ties back to being anindie author because indie
publishing demands flexibility,and flexibility demands grace.
If you wait until everything isperfect, your website, your
graphics, your writing, yourconfidence, oh my goodness, you
(31:03):
will never hit publish.
You will never do that thingthat you want to do.
It may not be in the publishing,but it may be something else
that you're trying to do.
So if you don't let go of that,give yourself that flexibility
and that grace, you'll never goon to the next step.
(31:24):
And I've learned to say this.
This is the best I can do rightnow, and that's enough.
And you heard me say this thisis the best I can do right now
with the resources that I have,and that is enough.
Because when I look back later,I'll see how much I grew, and
that's something to be proud of,not to be ashamed of.
(31:46):
I want y'all to read this book,learns this too.
Oh my god, she learns it.
When she tries to control magic,it backfires.
When she lets it flow, when shetrusts in herself and knows that
she is magic, guess what?
It blooms.
That's what happens when werelease perfectionism.
(32:09):
We make room for power to flownaturally.
So here are some takeaways foryou before you go about your
day.
And that is that perfectionismisn't about standards, it's
about fear and control.
Remember that.
(32:31):
Good enough doesn't mean thatyou've lowered the bar, it means
you've raised your faith.
Perfectionism doesn't keep yousafe.
I still got some quote unquotenegative reviews.
As much as I perfected thisbook, and guess what?
I will continue to do so aswell, and it will be okay.
(32:54):
So perfectionism didn't takethat away.
But what it was trying to do, itwas trying to keep me small.
It was trying to keep me fromdoing the thing that I love,
from fulfilling my purpose,which is to share stories with
the world.
So now when I catch myselfre-recording, rewriting, or
redesigning something for thetenth time, I ask, am I making
(33:17):
it better?
Or is it just making me tired?
And usually the answer tells meeverything I need to know and
move forward.
So, asitos, that's today'slesson in letting go.
If you've been waiting for theperfect moment, the perfect
plan, the perfect words, is timeto let that go.
(33:40):
This is your sign.
Perfectionism doesn't protectyou.
Your authenticity does.
And speaking of authenticity,I'm gonna remind you again the
ordinary Bluha is officiallyout.
This story means everything tome because it's imperfectly
real.
(34:00):
It came from the messiness ofhealing, identity, and
self-trust.
And I'm gonna put the link onthe show notes so that way y'all
can get it.
If this episode resonated withyou, email me at Joa at have a
couplejoani.com or you canconnect with me on TikTok.
I'm there under two profiles atCouple Joani as well as the book
(34:22):
Bruja.
Or you can catch me onInstagram, threats, or Facebook
at have a cup of Joani.
Till next time, take a breath,hit send, share your work, post
a thing, and let go of beingperfect.
You are enough exactly as youare.
Cracks, coffee stains, and all.
(34:44):
Go on and take the world.
Bye.
Oh we could weaken fly.
If today's episode spoke to you,share with somebody who's
finding their way back to.
And if you haven't yet, visithave a cup of johnny.com for
more stories, blog posts, andstarted it all.
(35:04):
Thank you for being here.
Until next time, be stuck, bebold, and only have a cup of
joining.
It's about coming to your stuff.
To your point.
To your breath.
To the point you're starting.
And you're not starting.
You're starting to.
This is your space to reflect.
So pour your cafe seco and let'sbegin.
(00:37):
Hello everyone, and welcome backto Have a Cup of Johnny Podcast.
I am your host, Joa, and thismonth, the month of November, we
are continuing on with thelessons I've learned.
And this time we're gonna gowith lessons in letting go.
(01:00):
That's the theme of all thelittle things I had to let go in
order to grow.
A lot of time we may think thatletting go is giving up or
letting go is taking away fromthe self.
But what letting go has taughtme is that sometimes you have to
(01:21):
let go of certain things so thatway others can come in and
expand you and help you grow alittle bit more.
So I have learned to see the actof letting go as pruning, as
shedding, so that way I can growin a much better way than
(01:45):
before.
So that is our theme for thismonth.
And today we're going to bediscussing letting go of
perfectionism.
(02:10):
It is this story that has beenliving with me for years, years.
It started as Instabruja, whichwas a micro story on Instagram
through the story format onInstagram.
I released it during COVID as away to connect and share in some
(02:30):
sort of joy or entertainmenttowards others that were stuck
at home or were going throughsome very traumatic and
difficult things in their livesat that time.
And that was my way of givingback to others and giving back
to myself.
And then something happened, andthat story turned into something
(02:51):
completely different.
It stopped being this whimsicalshort story or micro story, as I
stated, and it became thisfull-length psychological horror
with touches of magical realismand gothic, which became instead
of the insta bruja, the ordinarybruja.
Marisol has always been part ofthis story.
(03:14):
That's the main character in thehill, has always been part of
this story.
And the hill has always heldthis mystical growth symbol in
the story, something thatMarisol has to climb in order to
find herself that has stayedvery constant.
But a lot of different thingschange.
(03:34):
So it's being released onNovember 4th.
So by the time you listen tothis episode, it would have
already been released.
So I encourage you all to goahead and get it.
It is an ebook in paperback aswell as hardback.
And I am currently working onthe audiobook.
So it will be on audiobook aswell in a month or two.
(03:57):
But yeah, get it so that way youcan read what it's all about and
you can kind of understand.
Because if you're listening tothis podcast and you have been
listening to this podcast, youkind of know my inner workings
and you would understand thestory perhaps a little bit more
than someone who has never heardthis podcast because you kind of
(04:18):
have seen or peeked a little bitinside my mind.
But nevertheless, the theme islessons in letting go, because
pushing out this book has pushedme to let go and continue to let
go of certain things.
Perfectionism being one of thosemain things that I am constantly
(04:42):
striving to shed and to not pickback up because perfectionism
has followed me like a shadow.
Like a shadow.
(05:27):
It is a myth, it is a myth, itis a myth, I am telling you.
I grew up believing that doingeverything perfect was how you
earned love, how you earnedrespect and safety.
In the army, for sure,perfectionism is rewarded.
I wouldn't say it's much of amyth there because a lot of the
(05:47):
times precision saves lives.
So perfectionism is rewarded,but it has a good reason as to
why.
In school, though, being a goodstudent, it kept me out of
trouble.
And it also fed into my ego andinto my love bucket.
But it wasn't the right way toearn love.
(06:08):
I didn't know that then.
But I was trying to do thatthrough good grades and just
being a perfect student.
And as a mom, I also brought inperfection because I thought
that perfection would protect myson from the same chaos I grew
up in.
And I was wrong.
And as a writer, I mean this onecuts deep as well because
(06:37):
perfectionism in writing, thatis truly paralysis in disguise.
And it's so insidious.
When I was drafting the ordinaryBruha, there were nights that
I'd sit at my desk in earlymornings, because that's really
(06:57):
when I do my drafting, and juststare at a single sentence for
hours, or just don't move from apassage.
(07:24):
People, during the draftingphase, when you should just be
spilling everything out, right?
And I used to tell myself, if itis perfect, then no one will
reject it.
No one will say that my storysucks.
But that's the trap right there.
Because perfectionism didn'tprotect me from getting bad
(07:50):
reviews or someone rejecting mystory or not liking it.
Instead, what it was doing, itwas preventing me from finishing
it.
And if you're listening rightnow and you've been holding on
to something like me, a bookidea, a business, a dream, an
action, because it's not quoteunquote ready yet.
(08:14):
I want you to ask yourself, isit not ready?
Or am I just afraid and holdingmyself back?
And think think about thosequestions and also think about
the answer that comes forward.
Because perfectionism is justfear wearing makeup.
(08:39):
It's the fear of being seen.
I know for me, that's a big one.
The fear of not being enough,the fear of rejection.
So it's kind of like controldoubt again, dressed up as
preparation.
When I think about where thatcame from for me, I realize it
(09:02):
wasn't just about the task, itwas about worth.
Because in my mind, I'm like, ifI could make it perfect, no one
could say I wasn't smart enoughor creative enough or
professional enough or Latinaenough or disciplined enough
because that's another thing.
Perfectionism disguises asdiscipline sometimes.
(09:26):
So you need to be aware of that.
And you see, that's the problembecause perfectionism turns your
work into armor.
It makes you think that if youpolish it enough, it'll hurt
less when people criticize it.
News flash, it does not.
(09:46):
But also, like if you're in thecreative spectrum, let me just
tell you this, and I'm tellingthis to myself as well.
And that is that art isn'tarmor, it's meant to be
connection.
And connection only happens whenyou leave the cracks in.
Because through those cracks,you can peek into the humanity
(10:10):
of the person that did thatcreation.
Let me tell you a quick storybecause I've been reading up a
little bit about the broken mugstory or allegory or parable, if
you may.
I think it's more like aparable.
And I found this, I read it in alot of different blogs, and
(10:35):
finally the one that I'm kind oflike, okay, this is this is
something that I want to sharewith my audience, and it's
coming from stemit.com.
And it is spelledst-e-e-m-i-t.com.
And here it is, and this is fromeight years ago, and it's called
the Parable of the Chipped Mug.
(10:57):
And it says here, I rememberreading a short picture book as
a child in grade school, and themessage of the story remains
with me to this day.
I don't recall the title or theauthor.
Many details of the story remainhazy.
My efforts to rediscover thesource has been fruitless, as my
efforts as well.
(11:18):
So I must paraphrase the storyfor you here as best as I can.
The story tells of a group ofchildren in primary school.
Every day lunch would be servedand milk would be provided in
enamel mugs.
Most of the mugs showedsomewhere from years of daily
use, but one mug in particularwas worse than the others.
(11:39):
It was cracked and had recentlyacquired a sizable chip along
the rim.
I had a mug like that as well inreal life.
And the child that received thechip mug for the day would be
teased by the others.
None of the children wanted todrink their milk out of the
chip, cracked, less than perfectmug.
(12:02):
None of the children, well,except for one.
One day a small little girl in avery quiet voice piped up as the
cups of milk were being issued.
May I have that chip mug,please?
She sat for lunch and happilydrank her milk out of the
cracked chip mug while the otherchildren laughed and teased her.
(12:27):
At lunch the next day sheexcitedly asked for the beat up
mug again, and so it went on,the small little girl happily
drinking her milk with lunchevery day.
The chipped mug became specialto her.
Soon, another child asked for aturn, drinking out of the
(12:47):
chipped mug.
Before long, the chipped,cracked, worn out mug became a
favorite of the children.
And the child who received themug with their lunch for the day
felt quite special indeed.
So this is what they called, andthis is Fluster Farm wrote it
(13:09):
eight years ago, and they havetitled this The Parable of the
Chipped Mug.
And it tells you a lot here.
To me, it tells me that not onlyis perfectionism a myth, but
also that we assign values tothings.
(13:30):
So we get to determine what isperfect and what is beautiful.
And that's why I go back toperfectionism is a myth, is
something that we have made upbased on whatever math we had
computated in our brain.
(13:52):
But because it's a made-up mathand made-up computation, we can
easily dismiss it and we caneasily assign value to something
else that we care more about orsomething else that we want to
do in order to change the statusquo.
And you see that happeningrecently in the beauty industry
(14:17):
where we're breaking out moreand more from the normative
beauty standard that we haveseen for years, and we have
steadily been assigning value toother things that before we have
not, or recently we have not.
Because if you notice throughoutthe decades of life, of society,
(14:40):
of the world, what is perfectand what is beauty has been
varied.
It has been vastly different,and it also depends on the
region, the country, theclimate, the culture that
someone is part of as well.
So as you can see, when we kindof like close ourselves off to
(15:06):
this idea of what is perfect, westart to believe that that's the
only way, that's the only thing,that's the only computation that
we can ever use to come up withwhat is perfect, but it's not.
Here in the story of or theparable of the chip mug, this
(15:29):
little girl, she chose to dosomething different, she chose
to drink out of the imperfectmug, and thus she gave it value.
Because I told you as I wasreading the story that I had a
(15:50):
mug like that, and I wasn't likethis little girl, I threw mine
away because instead of seeingthe usefulness of it, I was just
more focused on how it was gonnarub my lip the wrong way or in
an uncomfortable way, I shouldsay, and that it would just
(16:11):
upset me time and time again.
As opposed to me thinking, well,this mug still works.
I can place my lips on the otherside of that rim, which is like
plenty of space there that stillworks, but instead I was like,
I'm going to discard it, I'mgoing to throw it away because
it's no longer perfect, eventhough it still did its thing.
(16:37):
It was still meeting itspurpose.
It just aesthetically didn'tlook like the other mugs.
And I'm saying this out loudright now, and I'm like, out of
everyone in this world, I shouldknow that.
Because I was born imperfectlywith a lazy eye.
So superficially, I lookdifferent than the quote unquote
(17:02):
norm, but my eye stillfunctions.
So it still does its thing, itstill does what it's meant to
do, which is see.
And for whatever reason, thedoctors didn't understand how,
but I guess because this is howI was born, so my brain was able
to rewire itself.
(17:22):
It's very moldable when you'reyoung.
So I never saw double.
When other people, like if theyget this condition later on,
usually they see double.
But I think it that's becausetheir brain has already wired
itself a certain way, while mybrain got to mold itself around
this condition that I have,which is why it's a condition
(17:43):
and not a disability.
And out of everybody, I shouldknow that being imperfect does
not mean that one can bediscarded or that one cannot do
the thing that they were meantto do.
You know, but it's just it's socrazy how that myth of
imperfection gets you.
(18:04):
Because you you are seeingthings in your world that are a
certain way.
And the minute you see somethingthat is not that way or doesn't
follow that trend, thenautomatically you want to reject
it.
It's almost like that's yourfirst instinct to reject it.
And and I'm starting to do apause in there as opposed to
(18:27):
just a full-on rejection andhave myself ask these questions.
Does it still meet this purpose?
Is it still usable?
Is it just aestheticallydifferent?
Because that is why I say thatthe myth of perfection is so
insidious.
(18:48):
And I can take this to mywriting.
Let me give you another examplebecause this just happened
recently.
So I just packed a pre-orderlast night, actually.
I just packed the pre-order lastnight.
I'm hoping I get a few morebefore November 4th.
And I saw in there that in mybonus chapter, I had put the
(19:10):
word 2 T-O-O as opposed to 2 T WO.
A very humanistic thing to, forme at least, superhuman here,
people.
That sometimes I write a wordthat has the same sound but
(19:30):
different spelling.
I write the wrong one in themanuscript.
I have caught myself doing thisseveral times.
The bonus chapter is not achapter that went through all my
editors, it's just a chapterthat I have self-edited because
I didn't put it in themanuscript when I sent it to the
editor because it was a chapterthat I pulled out of the
(19:51):
manuscript.
And editors, they charge basedoff of words.
So as I was self-editing mychapter, I was taking out those
things that I felt was redundantor didn't move the story
forward.
However, I keep some of thosethings because I could
eventually use it on anotherstory in the trilogy, or I can
use it for this to give to myreaders as additional bonus
(20:17):
stuff that were once part of thestory, but on the published
version, it was not.
And this was one of thosethings.
And I had already printed andput the chapter together.
And let me tell you how manytimes I was like, I'm going to
trash this and do it all overagain.
(20:38):
It was late for me.
I was already tired.
I knew that I would just beputting my sleep in the back
burner, which I shouldn't dobecause then it messes up my
entire next day.
But I was here looking at thisimperfection, and I wanted to
(21:00):
trash it and start all over.
But then I was like, Joah, it'sjust a bonus chapter.
Why don't you just cross it out?
And it was so, I can't believelike that was not the first
thing that came to my mind.
The first thing that came to mymind was, I'm gonna trash this
and I'm gonna start again.
(21:20):
And then when I started to startagain, I noticed that I needed
to do even more steps because Ineeded to rewrite it on the Word
document, then export it into aPDF format, into Affinity
Publisher, and then put thepages on the layout of a Zion
and then print it out.
So I would have had to do likefour more steps.
(21:41):
And I was already tired and Ineeded to get my sleep so that
way I can come back in themorning and record this podcast
and do other things as wellbefore I go into work, you see.
So being a perfectionist, if Iwould have stuck with like doing
it all over again, it would havecost me more than just that
time.
It would have cost me my timethe next day as well.
(22:05):
It would have cost me like mywell-being for the entire next
day because if I miss sleep, itaffects me.
I drag the entire next day and Icannot recover.
I know this about myself.
But I wanted to do that.
I wanted to put myself in thatpredicament just so that this
(22:26):
one thing could be perfect.
But I am so thankful that, likethis little girl on the chipmug
parable, I stopped and I askedmyself, like, is this really
necessary?
Can I just cross it out?
And it will meet the intent.
(22:47):
It will show the reader thatit's supposed to be a TWO, not a
T-O-O.
And I answered myself, I waslike, yes, it will still meet
the intent.
And that's what I did.
And then I put it on the paddedenvelope, and I closed that
order, put the shipping label onit, and put it in the box to be
(23:11):
shipped the next day.
You see, but I was holding back.
So that's what I'm saying.
Perfecism is this thing, thisforce that controls you, that
holds you back from thinkingit's enough.
Move forward.
(23:31):
So that's why I want y'all topay attention to this when it
comes through for you, because Iknow it does for me, because I
have the trauma of beingrejected, of being neglected, of
not being loved.
And I found that by being areally good girl, by being
perfect, that I gainedadmiration and I mistook
(23:53):
admiration for love.
And that's why I say, like, Ithought it was filling my love
bucket, but it wasn't.
It was just me building on thattrauma in the only way that I
knew as a child, by being a goodgirl, by being a good kid.
And that turned intoperfectionism as an adult.
So I want y'all to pay attentionto that because as you can see,
(24:16):
it can cause chaos.
It could be a detriment to yourgrowth, to your mental health,
to your well-being, to yoursteps moving forward in your
life to learn, to grow, tobecome better, to expand into
the version that you're meant tobe.
(24:37):
And yesterday I went throughthat.
And I'm glad I caught it and I'mtalking to y'all about it.
So please pay attention to thoseparts of your day or of your
life where it comes through.
And that way you can catch it soit doesn't stop you from moving
(24:58):
forward.
Because here's the thing thatperfectionism also doesn't tell
you, and that is that it'sexhausting.
It is exhausting, it's a movingtarget, y'all, because perfect
never stays still.
And when you finally finishsomething, instead of
(25:18):
celebrating, you find the flaws.
And guess what?
All those times I held myselfback.
Thankfully, I finished theordinary Bruha is being released
tomorrow on November 4th.
But all those days that I heldmyself back because I thought it
wasn't perfect, and I went backand rewrite and rewrite and
(25:41):
rewrite until I will go back tothe paragraph that I started
with and that told me I had gonetoo far into this perfectionism
rabbit hole.
I will never get it back.
I will never get those daysback.
Never, never, never.
And I could think about all thethings that if I wouldn't have
held back, I would have beenbetter off.
(26:03):
But even that, it's another signof perfectionism, of me saying
should've, could have, would've,and beating myself up over it.
So I'm not, but I am tellingyou, look out for those things.
And let me say this clearly.
So that way we're all in thesame sheet of music here.
And I'm sorry if I'm soundingpreachy, but I don't want y'all
(26:24):
to be in the same predicament asme because it's so insidious,
it's horrible, it's like thishole that is so hard to come out
of.
But you're allowed to be proudof your progress, even if it's
messy, even if it's a bonuschapter that you cross out one
word and put the right one in.
(26:45):
You're allowed to be happy aboutthat.
You're allowed to be proud ofthat progress.
You're allowed to rest even whenit's not done, so you can get
back up the next day and hit itagain.
And you're allowed to be inprocess and still be worthy of
joy.
And when I say process, I meanyou are allowed to be becoming,
(27:10):
like Michelle Obama says in herbook, like in this stasis of
constantly moving forward,learning and growing.
God, I hope that you're alwaysin process.
Because that's where we need tobe.
Always in process, moving, notstagnant.
So think about it that way.
(27:31):
No, I'm supposed to be this way,always learning from what you
could have done better.
Take that as a joyful momentwhen you spot those things.
So that way in the nextiteration, you can do it better.
But understanding thatperfectionism, the act of
(27:51):
something or someone beingperfect, is erroneous.
It's a lie, it's a myth.
So, how do we let go ofperfectionism?
Well, for me, it starts withproof.
You heard me say this before.
Proof.
I proved to myself time and timeagain that being done is better
(28:14):
than being perfect.
When I hit publish on my firstblog post, even though it wasn't
exactly how I wanted it, peoplestill connected with it.
They sent me messages, they hitlikes, they related to it.
That was proof.
Was it poorly written?
(28:34):
Yes.
Was it missing a few commas?
I hate commas, I don't know howto use them.
Yes.
But it did what it was supposedto do.
The blonde post was supposed toconnect with people, and that's
what it did.
And the proof was the comments,the messages, the little hearts
(28:55):
on the likes.
You know, that was the proof.
When I designed my first bookcover, oof, it was horrible.
But some people knew the genrefrom it, so it did what it was
supposed to do.
I don't think I'll ever do thatagain, but I tried, you know,
(29:18):
and that was proof.
I tried, I did somethingimperfect, but while it was
superficially imperfect, it didwhat it was supposed to do.
That was proof.
And every time I share somethingimperfect, and someone says, Oh,
that helped me.
Oh, I can see myself in thisstory.
(29:40):
Oh, this story felt like a warmhug.
That's more proof that mypurpose, what I do, isn't
perfection.
My purpose is not in perfection,it's in honesty, in
authenticity.
So now I I try to give myselfthree permissions.
(30:02):
Permission to show up messy as Iam, permission to learn publicly
and to fail publicly as well.
It's a harsh thing to do, but ithappens, especially in this
world that we live in, where alot of things are on social
media.
So I give myself thatpermission.
(30:22):
Permission to celebrate progressinstead of polish.
Because letting go isn't justemotional, it's practical.
It's these small acts of releaseevery day that by shedding them,
I am allowing myself to expand.
(30:43):
And this ties back to being anindie author because indie
publishing demands flexibility,and flexibility demands grace.
If you wait until everything isperfect, your website, your
graphics, your writing, yourconfidence, oh my goodness, you
(31:03):
will never hit publish.
You will never do that thingthat you want to do.
It may not be in the publishing,but it may be something else
that you're trying to do.
So if you don't let go of that,give yourself that flexibility
and that grace, you'll never goon to the next step.
(31:24):
And I've learned to say this.
This is the best I can do rightnow, and that's enough.
And you heard me say this thisis the best I can do right now
with the resources that I have,and that is enough.
Because when I look back later,I'll see how much I grew, and
that's something to be proud of,not to be ashamed of.
(31:46):
I want y'all to read this book,learns this too.
Oh my god, she learns it.
When she tries to control magic,it backfires.
When she lets it flow, when shetrusts in herself and knows that
she is magic, guess what?
It blooms.
That's what happens when werelease perfectionism.
(32:09):
We make room for power to flownaturally.
So here are some takeaways foryou before you go about your
day.
And that is that perfectionismisn't about standards, it's
about fear and control.
Remember that.
(32:31):
Good enough doesn't mean thatyou've lowered the bar, it means
you've raised your faith.
Perfectionism doesn't keep yousafe.
I still got some quote unquotenegative reviews.
As much as I perfected thisbook, and guess what?
I will continue to do so aswell, and it will be okay.
(32:54):
So perfectionism didn't takethat away.
But what it was trying to do, itwas trying to keep me small.
It was trying to keep me fromdoing the thing that I love,
from fulfilling my purpose,which is to share stories with
the world.
So now when I catch myselfre-recording, rewriting, or
redesigning something for thetenth time, I ask, am I making
(33:17):
it better?
Or is it just making me tired?
And usually the answer tells meeverything I need to know and
move forward.
So, asitos, that's today'slesson in letting go.
If you've been waiting for theperfect moment, the perfect
plan, the perfect words, is timeto let that go.
(33:40):
This is your sign.
Perfectionism doesn't protectyou.
Your authenticity does.
And speaking of authenticity,I'm gonna remind you again the
ordinary Bluha is officiallyout.
This story means everything tome because it's imperfectly
real.
(34:00):
It came from the messiness ofhealing, identity, and
self-trust.
And I'm gonna put the link onthe show notes so that way y'all
can get it.
If this episode resonated withyou, email me at Joa at have a
couplejoani.com or you canconnect with me on TikTok.
I'm there under two profiles atCouple Joani as well as the book
(34:22):
Bruja.
Or you can catch me onInstagram, threats, or Facebook
at have a cup of Joani.
Till next time, take a breath,hit send, share your work, post
a thing, and let go of beingperfect.
You are enough exactly as youare.
Cracks, coffee stains, and all.
(34:44):
Go on and take the world.
Bye.
Oh we could weaken fly.
If today's episode spoke to you,share with somebody who's
finding their way back to.
And if you haven't yet, visithave a cup of johnny.com for
more stories, blog posts, andstarted it all.
(35:04):
Thank you for being here.
Until next time, be stuck, bebold, and only have a cup of
joining.
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