October 29, 2025 • 30 mins
Some days, self-doubt doesn’t shout—it whispers. It sounds like “You should be further along by now.” It looks like scrolling through someone else’s success and wondering why you’re not there yet.
In this episode of Have a Cup of Johanny, I open up about how easily I fall into the comparison trap—especially as an indie author juggling a military career, family life, and creative dreams. I talk about the “should haves,” the guilt that comes with them, and how I’ve learned to bring myself back to reality.
You’ll hear how shifting from shame to curiosity, and from self-criticism to self-compassion, helps me grow instead of spiraling because we can admire someone else’s path without abandoning our own.
Be reminded that your timeline is valid and your magic is unique and preorder The Ordinary Bruja, a story for anyone learning to trust their own rhythm:
If today’s episode hit you in the chest the way it hit me, don’t just walk away—walk toward something that reflects you.
Subscribe to the podcast, hit that YouTube channel for the behind-the-scenes, and if you’re ready to read a story about what it really means to come home to yourself—
👉🏽 Preorder The Ordinary Bruja.
https://haveacupofjohanny.com/product/the-ordinary-bruja-book-one-of-las-cerradoras-series-j-e-ortega/
It’s about a Dominican-American bruja who’s been running from herself her whole life until ancestral magic, generational wounds, and a haunted-ass hill force her to face the truth.
If you’ve ever felt “too much,” “not enough,” or like you don’t fit anywhere, you’re exactly who this story was written for.
🎙️ Subscribe.
📺 Follow on YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC2SRDePbyy8M85Wbf25VUCg
📚 Preorder The Ordinary Bruja. https://haveacupofjohanny.com/product/the-ordinary-bruja-book-one-of-las-cerradoras-series-j-e-ortega/
Because becoming who you are is the bravest kind of magic.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:09):
It's about coming home to your stuff.
To your point.
To your breath.
To the point you're starting.
You're starting.
This is your space to reflect.
So pour your cafe seat and let'sbegin.
(00:37):
Hello everyone, and welcome backto Have a Couple Johnny Podcast.
This month we are diving intolessons about what self-doubt
taught me.
And today's lesson is one thatsneaks up on me more often than
I like to admit, particularlynow that I am launching my first
(01:02):
novel in Las Cerradoras trilogy,which is titled The Ordinary
Bruja.
I am feeling the pressure, I amfeeling the crunch.
And because of that, itinadvertently just brings in
these counterproductive thoughtsthat have been tampered down
(01:26):
before, but stress usually liftsthem up.
It's like when it sensespressure, like a pot boiling, it
just frothes over.
That's that's how I imagine itbeing.
And that's how what stress doesto the lingering doubt and all
the counterproductive thoughtsand habits that are usually
(01:46):
there, but we don't usually feelit or deal with it until that
pressure and that stress comesaround.
But I wanted to explain it myown way, and that is the
(02:08):
comparison trap.
That quiet, creeping voice thatsays, you should be further
along by now.
Look at them, they're doingbetter, and now look at you,
you're not.
Are you ready?
Let's go.
So, yeah, that comparison trapis no joke because no matter how
(02:32):
grounded I try to stay, thereare still days when I scroll
through social media, seesomeone else's, highlight real,
and suddenly I'm questioningeverything that I'm doing about
myself, my pace, my strategy,even sometimes my purpose, which
(02:53):
is that's when I know like I'vereached a low low.
And every single time I have tobring myself back to reality.
And for me, I have found thatit's not necessarily that I need
to not look at social media,although that's like the first
(03:14):
thing that I do.
I put a pause where I justscroll really fast through it
because looking at that hastriggered something in me.
But that's not necessarily theculprit of it all.
That is just what triggered it.
And I don't want to confusemyself that the triggers are the
(03:36):
culprit of my trauma.
It's not, it's just somethingthat reminded me of it, and
hence why it's called a trigger.
So I can take away social mediaall day long, I can put a pause
on it, but the trauma is stillthere.
I all I did was like get awayfrom the trigger so it doesn't
bring it up.
But I know from doing therapyand working on myself that what
(04:00):
I really need to work on is theunderlying trauma, which is uh
perfectionism.
Once I work on that and get agood handle on it, no matter
what I see, it's not gonnatrigger that.
But also I know that stress alsobrings it up, like y'all heard
me saying.
So I just want to put that outat the beginning of this episode
because I don't want to uh bethe one that points the finger
(04:23):
at something that is not reallythe culprit of it all when it's
some underlying issue there.
Because I don't want us to tryto fix superficial scars when
the problem is deeper down andwe're just choosing not to
tackle the real problem.
That's with a lot of things inlife, okay?
(04:44):
But let's start with the shouldhaves because that's usually
something that populates veryfast whenever I get stuck on the
comparison trap, and that isshould haves.
I should have done this, Ishould have done that, if I
would have had this, if I wouldhave done that.
And and for me lately, it's likeI should have had a street team
(05:10):
for the ordinary bruja, I shouldhave been more social on social
media, I should have posted morecontent, I should have been more
consistent on my blog posts andmy newsletter, you know, all
these things are coming up asI'm like two weeks from
releasing this book and seeingother people, supposedly,
(05:32):
because I can acknowledge thatwhat I'm seeing is not the full
truth.
What I'm seeing is just whatthat person is choosing to show.
So I bring a little bit ofreality into this mess with
that, with acknowledging thatnot everything that I see on
social media is the complete andhonest truth.
(05:53):
There's a lot of sides to it,and I'm just seeing one tiny
little side of what that creatorchose to show.
So that kind of like tampersdown my emotions a little bit,
but what really helps me out isto acknowledge that I may not
(06:16):
have done everything, or I maynot have done everything on the
list of what will make asuccessful book launch, but I've
done everything that I couldhave done with the resources
that I have.
You see?
So that's what I do when I catchmyself in that spiral moment,
(06:38):
and that usually helps.
But let me tell you what reallyhelps.
What really helps is me writingin the journal and acknowledging
those things that I could havedone, but I still didn't do
either because of time or poorplanning on my part.
And then I write it down as away forward for the next book
(06:59):
launch in the series, which willbe the Forgotten Bruha.
And that really like puts mymind at ease because I know that
I have a way forward, and itkind of like keeps me from
completely spiraling down andjust fully focusing on how
horrible I've done, which is nottrue.
(07:20):
But when I get into thatmindset, I I can go all the way
down and then just hone in orfocus only on what I've done
wrong, and then that just likecreates this very pessimistic
point of view, and then it canget very depressing, you see,
(07:40):
and I've read this somewhere aswell that should have halves are
a very toxic thought to have,and now I understand how I
spiral so easily whenever I tunein into those kind of thoughts,
and I'm glad that I have a wayto come out of that because I
know you all heard of thisbefore, this sort of mantra that
(08:03):
comparison is the thief of joy,but it's also the thief of
perspective.
Think about it this way becauseif you get out of your feelings,
when I get out of my feelingsand I think about this
objectively, and I'm like, firstof all, I'm not seeing that
(08:23):
creator's full truth, they'renot showing me the messiness.
If they're like me, they're onlyshowing like the good stuff, you
know.
That's what and I put that on mypersonal Facebook account a long
time ago.
I was like, look, y'all notgonna see like my messy side
over here.
You gotta like be dealing withme in real life to know that.
(08:44):
Here, I'm just doing thehighlights, you know, the good
highlights.
So that way y'all can feeloverjoy with me, y'all can uh
share in my successes and stufflike that.
But me personally, I don't tendto put in the low lows, the, oh
my God, I'm going through this,you know, financial crisis or
I'm going through this maritalcrisis or this motherly crisis
(09:07):
or something like that.
I don't put that in just becauseI don't want to bring in
opinions that are not necessaryon my life.
I feel very capable sortingthose things out on my own.
If and if I'm not capable, thenI'd rather reach out to specific
people as opposed to reachingout to a plethora of people on
(09:30):
the internet, which I haven'tvetted, which uh some of them I
wouldn't care to have theiropinions, you know, and things
of that nature.
And I just don't want to bringthat chaos.
So that's my objective point ofview when it comes to what I
share on social media.
And I'm very cognizant that I'mnot the only one like that, that
(09:50):
other people are like that aswell.
They pick and choose whatthey're gonna share on social
media.
So when I bring that intoperspective, it kind of kills it
a little bit, you know, thatcomparison trap, that very toxic
downward spiral that happenswhen you start thinking, I
should have done that, I shouldhave done that, I should have
(10:13):
said that, I should have actedthis way, you know, and that is
like so effective whenever Ijust point that out to myself.
Because remember, like I said inthe last episode, when I'm in
this mindset, I'm not beinglogical, not being rational, I'm
fully in my emotions, these verycounterproductive or otherwise
(10:36):
known as toxic emotions that canlead to depression and other,
you know, bad things, badactions to happen.
Because it's just you're gonnafeel hopeless, you're gonna feel
as if you have no way out.
And that is not the true realityof things.
That is just what your yourbrain is having you see because
(10:56):
you're feeling depressed,because for whatever reason,
you're not lining up with whatyou're being shown, this very
superficial picture, right?
So when I tell myself, hey, newsflash, that picture is not the
complete reality.
That picture probably looks morelike me than anything else right
(11:17):
now.
So why am I thinking as if I'mless than that picture?
That tampers it right away atthe beginning, and then what I
usually do is what I explainedto y'all on the last episode is
then I bring proof.
I bring proof of the stuff thatI did do that I could have done
(11:40):
with the resources of money andtime that I had while making
those decisions, and then I dosomething else, which is then
after that, and it's almost likea trampoline.
Let me explain this.
I know I'm diverting a littlebit here, but it's almost like a
trampoline.
Like, first I have to like slapthat, you know, that's not true.
(12:04):
And that kind of like takes thesting off of it and takes the
momentum out of that downwardspiral, and then I come with a
little bit of reality and belike, well, hmm, I did what I
could, you know.
Let me show you what that was.
And then I bring the TKO, hmm,and let me tell you the results
(12:26):
of those things that I did dowith the resources that I had at
the time of making thatdecision.
You see, and that is kind oflike boom, that is like the the
positive thing of it, the theresult positive thing of it is
like what brings it down.
What like ah TKO, like you know,have y'all played Mortal Kombat?
(12:48):
It's kind of like that, ah, I'mgonna put this down for real
now.
That's the true punch rightthere that does it, at least for
me.
Okay, because I'm telling you,when I start spiraling into
comparison, it's the worst.
The worst.
So let me give you an example ofhow that looked for me in in
(13:11):
real life.
And it was, I saw this creator,she's doing awesome.
I'm so happy for her on her booklaunch.
I think we have book launchesaround the same time frame, not
the same kind of books, youknow, but on the same time
frame.
And she's doing great and she'sgetting all these likes and all
this stuff on social media,right?
And I'm so happy for her.
(13:33):
And that's the thing withcomparison, it's like if you
really go down that rabbit hole,it can put you in a place where
you can't even be happy, youknow, and and share in others'
joys, which is really sucky, ifyou ask me.
But she's doing great, she hasthis street team, and the street
team is doing their thing.
And right away I clocked in, Iwas like, uh, I should have done
(13:58):
a street team.
And then that went into I shouldhave been more social, I should
have reached out to more people,I should have been more present
on social media, you know, soforth.
So and you see how that thatspirals, because then all those
thoughts lead into anotherthought that is more negative
(14:19):
than the previous one, you see?
And then when I caught that andI knew where this would lead
from previous experiences, I waslike, hold up.
First of all, you know, I don'tknow everything that is going on
in this creator's life.
She is showing this, but whatshe's not showing is that she
(14:42):
could be potentially strugglingon other things, just like me.
And then when I bring thatreality in, then I'm like, yeah,
because I was in no position todo street teams.
And I remember sorting that outas I was doing the marketing
plan for the ordinary Blue Haand making a decision that I was
(15:06):
not gonna do street teamsbecause it was very convoluted.
I didn't have at that time thecorrect point of contacts, and I
didn't want to take a gander onthe little of marketing money
that I have to use it onsomething that it was not
concrete enough for me, youknow, and no, I didn't have the
(15:30):
contacts or people that I haveknown for a while that I could
ask for them to help me out.
And then I also feel bad askingpeople to work for free as well.
So I was like, you know, thatwas out of the question as well,
you know.
If my friends on social mediawant to post it, which a lot of
(15:50):
them have, that's great.
But I don't want to ask peopleto do free labor for me because
I just feel like that's unfair.
So I brought all of that intoperspective as to why I had made
the decision that I made.
And instead of doing a streetteam, because I remember
specifically looking into it, Idid an ARC, an advanced reader
(16:14):
copy for like 60 days.
And this is a big improvement,by the way, from uh Mrs.
Franchie's Evil Ring.
And we're gonna get to thatbecause that's step three,
that's the TKO for me.
And so that's what I remindedmyself that hey, with the
resources that I had, which arelimited when it comes to time
and when it comes to money formarketing, because I put most of
(16:37):
my money on book cover andediting, that's where most of my
money for book production goes.
So marketing has very little.
And when I mean very little, Imean very little, doing most of
it myself.
And I had to put that intoperspective and understand that
the way that I circumvented thator I mitigated not having a
(16:59):
street team was through ARCs andthrough scheduling social media
posts.
And I did do a little bit ofbook marketing research from
other people that know whatthey're doing and have had
success doing it, and I had afew things not that went viral,
but that got a good reach onTikTok, and people started
(17:20):
talking about my book andgetting my arc and all of that.
So that's step two, right?
I brought proof of what I coulddo with the limited resources
that I had.
You know, step one was likeacknowledging that what I'm
seeing is not completelyfactual, it's not the full
picture.
(17:41):
Then here comes step three,which is the positivity TKO,
because now I'm looking at whatI actually did and the results
that I have gained from that.
And when I did that, I foundthat the ordinary Bruha has
outperformed Mrs.
Franchise Evil Ring on itspre-launch by far.
(18:06):
By miles and miles and miles.
I mean, the Mrs.
Franchise Evil Ring didn't havean arc until after it came out
and it got very little reviews.
I want to say maybe five.
Now, after being out for likethree years, it has 15 reviews
in.
(18:26):
But the ordinary Bruja has overa hundred people that have
downloaded the arc.
You know, that's huge, hugepeople on that galley.
Already has how many 11 reviewsalready?
11 reviews, and it's not evenout yet.
(18:46):
It has two more weeks beforeit's out, and it's continuously
getting traction for people thatwant to read it, for people that
have downloaded, and so forth.
So it's on a trajectory toalready have double the amount
of reviews that it would haveonce it launches, but it would,
(19:08):
I will say, grow even furtheronce it's launched, and it will
bypass Mrs.
Franchise Evil Ring when itcomes to reviews.
And just looking at that, I'mlike, wow, I did something great
here.
And then that kept me fromcomparing this creator's journey
(19:32):
to my journey.
And it was like not instant, butit worked to the point where
like I'm now seeing their postsand I'm like, great, I can cheer
them on.
And this is the best part aboutthis because when I get my
comparison trap feelings incheck, now I can be fully
(19:53):
present for myself and forothers.
Because while I was there inthat comparison trap in that
whole cisterna, you know, ifyou're from the Dominican
Republic and you had water inthe cisterna, you know what I'm
talking about.
That thing is deep and dark, andyou don't know what's in there.
So I'm no longer in La Cisterna,you know, all in the dark and
(20:17):
just feeling crappy for myself.
I have lifted myself out of thatand found that I'm not doing so
bad myself.
And I shouldn't be comparingmyself to that person.
Instead, I should be focusing onmy own journey and my own upward
mobility into progress, into theprogress that I'm doing right
(20:39):
now.
And instead, I am choosing tocompare myself to my past
performance when it comes tobook publishing, not other
people's book publishingperformances, you know, and that
was the the TKO that reallyhelped me to tamper that to the
(21:01):
point where like I'm now able tolook at at social media and be
joyful with other people who arecelebrating their journeys and
also celebrate my own at thesame time.
So you see how insidious thiscomparison trap can be, where it
just makes you bitter, a little,I wouldn't say vengeful, but
(21:24):
jealous for sure, you know?
And and I hope people won't lookat jealousy as like this thing
that they should never talkabout.
I wish we would talk about itmore because it's so natural,
yet it's so prevalent, and yetit's so insidious at the same
time.
But if we hide ourselves fromthat feeling, if we don't
(21:45):
mention it and acknowledge it,then it'll just continue to rot
us from within.
But that's what I was feeling.
I was feeling jealousy, and thatjealousy is like the worst, the
worst, because it leads tocomparison, and comparison
really robs us of all that joy.
(22:07):
But here's what I've learnedbecause I always an advocate for
figuring out what is good, whatis something that I can learn
from this situation, hence why Ihave this podcast, Lessons
Learned, and I'm sharing thatwith you all.
And this is what I've learned,and that is that comparison
doesn't have to be the enemy.
(22:28):
It can actually be a mirror forreflection if you use it right.
When I feel the sting ofjealousy or that wave of I
should be there, I try to askmyself, what is this showing me
about what I want?
Because sometimes that feelingisn't about failure, but is
(22:49):
about showing you whichdirection you want to take,
where you want to be at.
So maybe I'm not so much jealousof someone's success.
Maybe I'm inspired by the kindof connection they're building.
Maybe it's not that I want theiroutcome.
I just want to understand thesystem that helped them get
(23:12):
there so I can have a similaroutcome.
And when I shift from judgmentto curiosity, self-doubt starts
to shrink and start to go away.
The other big lesson that I gotfrom here is to give myself
grace.
(23:33):
See, in step two, I acknowledgethat no, I didn't get a street
team, but I had a good reasonwhy.
I had thought about it, I hadtried to get solid information,
points of context, and so forth,but I fell short, I didn't do
(23:54):
that, and time was runningshort.
I was getting closer to when thebook launch marketing needed to
start kicking in stronger.
And then I chose to put that tothe back burner for potentially
another book, and then insteadchoose on having ARCs early on
so that way I can get morereviews, knowing that reviews
(24:17):
also do a similar thing as asstreet teams, which is word of
mouth, right?
So then I chose uh the secondoption, which was ARCs.
And by putting it that way, Ichose not to shame myself
because I haven't done somethingthat someone else had done and
(24:40):
had a reach, supposedly, and Isay supposedly because that's
what they're showing success intheir book launch.
And I chose not to shame myself,but instead to acknowledge that
yes, I didn't do that, but I didsomething else, and still put it
on my notes as a potentialavenue of approach when it comes
(25:03):
to book marketing for the nextbook.
If I do get those points ofcontext now that I have a little
bit more time, now that this oneis gonna be launched and I'm
just in the drafting phase ofthe second one.
I have a little bit more timenow to sort that out for the
second book.
But I will still do an analysis,especially now that I have done
(25:25):
the arcs for the ordinarybrewha, to see if it's it's
effective for me to do a streetteam as opposed to an ARC, or if
I should do both.
But for both, I will need tohave the money because both cost
money.
I don't want people to work forme for free either.
(25:46):
And that's the thing, right?
When I chose to give myselfgrace as opposed to shaming me,
that right there also shrunkself-doubt.
Because guess what?
Self-doubt thrives on shame.
It thrives on it, it loves itwhen you turn on yourself and
(26:10):
you start self-attacking orself-sabotaging.
It loves it.
But the second you say, okay,that didn't go the way I want
it, what can I do differentlynext time?
You take that power back becauseyou're no longer shaming
yourself or self-attacking.
You are taking that power backand you're finding new ways to
(26:32):
do things a little bit betterand gain a little progress later
on.
So I've learned to replace the Ifailed with I learned.
And that shift alone has made mea better creative, a better
leader, a better human being.
(26:53):
That's the theme you'll see inthe ordinary Bruja too.
Marisol spends so much of herjourney comparing herself to Las
Res Mojonas, the girls who seemto have it all together.
And in doing that, she forgetsthat her magic was never meant
to look like theirs.
That's what I remind myself whenI catch that voice whispering,
(27:14):
you're not doing enough, or youshould be doing this, or you
should be doing that.
I remind myself that my magicdoesn't have to look like anyone
else's, and neither does yours.
So here's the lesson this roundof self-doubt taught me.
You can admire someone else'spath without abandoning your
(27:37):
own.
You can take inspiration withouttaking comparison personally.
And when you catch yourselfspiraling, pull yourself back
with truth.
Remind yourself of what's real.
You're not behind, you're inprocess to progress.
(27:58):
So if you're listening to thisand you've been measuring your
worth against someone else'stimeline, take a deep breath.
Because you're exactly where youneed to be.
And while we're talking aboutreal, I'm gonna remind you,
okay?
Don't hate me for this, but I'mgonna remind you: the ordinary
(28:18):
bruja is available for pre-orderright now.
Advanced readers have called ita powerful and important book.
And on this same mic that I'mtalking to you, I am recording
the audiobook.
And when you pre-order, you havea week and some change to
pre-order, you'll get someexclusive goodies.
A sign deleted scene featuringKia, Marisol, character cards,
(28:42):
and bookmarks, a manifestationcard.
And if I get these stickers toshow up on time, some stickers
too.
So pre-order your copy today athave a cup of joanni.com.
You can also reach out to me,don't feel shy.
Email me at Joa at have a cup ofjohnny.com.
I'm also on TikTok there withtwo profiles at the bookbruja,
(29:04):
which is all about the books Iwrite, and at a cup of joinny,
which is all about the books I'mreading, my podcast, and a
little bit of personal life, andInstagram, my chaotic
bookstagram account at have acup of joinni.
Until next time, remembercomparison is a mirror, not a
(29:25):
map.
It's showing you where you maywant to be, the direction that
you may want to go at.
Until next time, remember whencomparison hits you, look at it,
learn from it, but don't live init.
See you next time.
(29:46):
Bye.
Oh we could weaken fly.
If today's episode spoke to you,share with somebody who's
finding their way back too.
And if you haven't yet, visithave a cup of joani.
For more stories, blog posts andthe gets that started it all.
Thank you for being here.
(30:06):
Until next time, be soft, bebold, and always have a couple
jobs.
It's about coming home to your stuff.
To your point.
To your breath.
To the point you're starting.
You're starting.
This is your space to reflect.
So pour your cafe seat and let'sbegin.
(00:37):
Hello everyone, and welcome backto Have a Couple Johnny Podcast.
This month we are diving intolessons about what self-doubt
taught me.
And today's lesson is one thatsneaks up on me more often than
I like to admit, particularlynow that I am launching my first
(01:02):
novel in Las Cerradoras trilogy,which is titled The Ordinary
Bruja.
I am feeling the pressure, I amfeeling the crunch.
And because of that, itinadvertently just brings in
these counterproductive thoughtsthat have been tampered down
(01:26):
before, but stress usually liftsthem up.
It's like when it sensespressure, like a pot boiling, it
just frothes over.
That's that's how I imagine itbeing.
And that's how what stress doesto the lingering doubt and all
the counterproductive thoughtsand habits that are usually
(01:46):
there, but we don't usually feelit or deal with it until that
pressure and that stress comesaround.
But I wanted to explain it myown way, and that is the
(02:08):
comparison trap.
That quiet, creeping voice thatsays, you should be further
along by now.
Look at them, they're doingbetter, and now look at you,
you're not.
Are you ready?
Let's go.
So, yeah, that comparison trapis no joke because no matter how
(02:32):
grounded I try to stay, thereare still days when I scroll
through social media, seesomeone else's, highlight real,
and suddenly I'm questioningeverything that I'm doing about
myself, my pace, my strategy,even sometimes my purpose, which
(02:53):
is that's when I know like I'vereached a low low.
And every single time I have tobring myself back to reality.
And for me, I have found thatit's not necessarily that I need
to not look at social media,although that's like the first
(03:14):
thing that I do.
I put a pause where I justscroll really fast through it
because looking at that hastriggered something in me.
But that's not necessarily theculprit of it all.
That is just what triggered it.
And I don't want to confusemyself that the triggers are the
(03:36):
culprit of my trauma.
It's not, it's just somethingthat reminded me of it, and
hence why it's called a trigger.
So I can take away social mediaall day long, I can put a pause
on it, but the trauma is stillthere.
I all I did was like get awayfrom the trigger so it doesn't
bring it up.
But I know from doing therapyand working on myself that what
(04:00):
I really need to work on is theunderlying trauma, which is uh
perfectionism.
Once I work on that and get agood handle on it, no matter
what I see, it's not gonnatrigger that.
But also I know that stress alsobrings it up, like y'all heard
me saying.
So I just want to put that outat the beginning of this episode
because I don't want to uh bethe one that points the finger
(04:23):
at something that is not reallythe culprit of it all when it's
some underlying issue there.
Because I don't want us to tryto fix superficial scars when
the problem is deeper down andwe're just choosing not to
tackle the real problem.
That's with a lot of things inlife, okay?
(04:44):
But let's start with the shouldhaves because that's usually
something that populates veryfast whenever I get stuck on the
comparison trap, and that isshould haves.
I should have done this, Ishould have done that, if I
would have had this, if I wouldhave done that.
And and for me lately, it's likeI should have had a street team
(05:10):
for the ordinary bruja, I shouldhave been more social on social
media, I should have posted morecontent, I should have been more
consistent on my blog posts andmy newsletter, you know, all
these things are coming up asI'm like two weeks from
releasing this book and seeingother people, supposedly,
(05:32):
because I can acknowledge thatwhat I'm seeing is not the full
truth.
What I'm seeing is just whatthat person is choosing to show.
So I bring a little bit ofreality into this mess with
that, with acknowledging thatnot everything that I see on
social media is the complete andhonest truth.
(05:53):
There's a lot of sides to it,and I'm just seeing one tiny
little side of what that creatorchose to show.
So that kind of like tampersdown my emotions a little bit,
but what really helps me out isto acknowledge that I may not
(06:16):
have done everything, or I maynot have done everything on the
list of what will make asuccessful book launch, but I've
done everything that I couldhave done with the resources
that I have.
You see?
So that's what I do when I catchmyself in that spiral moment,
(06:38):
and that usually helps.
But let me tell you what reallyhelps.
What really helps is me writingin the journal and acknowledging
those things that I could havedone, but I still didn't do
either because of time or poorplanning on my part.
And then I write it down as away forward for the next book
(06:59):
launch in the series, which willbe the Forgotten Bruha.
And that really like puts mymind at ease because I know that
I have a way forward, and itkind of like keeps me from
completely spiraling down andjust fully focusing on how
horrible I've done, which is nottrue.
(07:20):
But when I get into thatmindset, I I can go all the way
down and then just hone in orfocus only on what I've done
wrong, and then that just likecreates this very pessimistic
point of view, and then it canget very depressing, you see,
(07:40):
and I've read this somewhere aswell that should have halves are
a very toxic thought to have,and now I understand how I
spiral so easily whenever I tunein into those kind of thoughts,
and I'm glad that I have a wayto come out of that because I
know you all heard of thisbefore, this sort of mantra that
(08:03):
comparison is the thief of joy,but it's also the thief of
perspective.
Think about it this way becauseif you get out of your feelings,
when I get out of my feelingsand I think about this
objectively, and I'm like, firstof all, I'm not seeing that
(08:23):
creator's full truth, they'renot showing me the messiness.
If they're like me, they're onlyshowing like the good stuff, you
know.
That's what and I put that on mypersonal Facebook account a long
time ago.
I was like, look, y'all notgonna see like my messy side
over here.
You gotta like be dealing withme in real life to know that.
(08:44):
Here, I'm just doing thehighlights, you know, the good
highlights.
So that way y'all can feeloverjoy with me, y'all can uh
share in my successes and stufflike that.
But me personally, I don't tendto put in the low lows, the, oh
my God, I'm going through this,you know, financial crisis or
I'm going through this maritalcrisis or this motherly crisis
(09:07):
or something like that.
I don't put that in just becauseI don't want to bring in
opinions that are not necessaryon my life.
I feel very capable sortingthose things out on my own.
If and if I'm not capable, thenI'd rather reach out to specific
people as opposed to reachingout to a plethora of people on
(09:30):
the internet, which I haven'tvetted, which uh some of them I
wouldn't care to have theiropinions, you know, and things
of that nature.
And I just don't want to bringthat chaos.
So that's my objective point ofview when it comes to what I
share on social media.
And I'm very cognizant that I'mnot the only one like that, that
(09:50):
other people are like that aswell.
They pick and choose whatthey're gonna share on social
media.
So when I bring that intoperspective, it kind of kills it
a little bit, you know, thatcomparison trap, that very toxic
downward spiral that happenswhen you start thinking, I
should have done that, I shouldhave done that, I should have
(10:13):
said that, I should have actedthis way, you know, and that is
like so effective whenever Ijust point that out to myself.
Because remember, like I said inthe last episode, when I'm in
this mindset, I'm not beinglogical, not being rational, I'm
fully in my emotions, these verycounterproductive or otherwise
(10:36):
known as toxic emotions that canlead to depression and other,
you know, bad things, badactions to happen.
Because it's just you're gonnafeel hopeless, you're gonna feel
as if you have no way out.
And that is not the true realityof things.
That is just what your yourbrain is having you see because
(10:56):
you're feeling depressed,because for whatever reason,
you're not lining up with whatyou're being shown, this very
superficial picture, right?
So when I tell myself, hey, newsflash, that picture is not the
complete reality.
That picture probably looks morelike me than anything else right
(11:17):
now.
So why am I thinking as if I'mless than that picture?
That tampers it right away atthe beginning, and then what I
usually do is what I explainedto y'all on the last episode is
then I bring proof.
I bring proof of the stuff thatI did do that I could have done
(11:40):
with the resources of money andtime that I had while making
those decisions, and then I dosomething else, which is then
after that, and it's almost likea trampoline.
Let me explain this.
I know I'm diverting a littlebit here, but it's almost like a
trampoline.
Like, first I have to like slapthat, you know, that's not true.
(12:04):
And that kind of like takes thesting off of it and takes the
momentum out of that downwardspiral, and then I come with a
little bit of reality and belike, well, hmm, I did what I
could, you know.
Let me show you what that was.
And then I bring the TKO, hmm,and let me tell you the results
(12:26):
of those things that I did dowith the resources that I had at
the time of making thatdecision.
You see, and that is kind oflike boom, that is like the the
positive thing of it, the theresult positive thing of it is
like what brings it down.
What like ah TKO, like you know,have y'all played Mortal Kombat?
(12:48):
It's kind of like that, ah, I'mgonna put this down for real
now.
That's the true punch rightthere that does it, at least for
me.
Okay, because I'm telling you,when I start spiraling into
comparison, it's the worst.
The worst.
So let me give you an example ofhow that looked for me in in
(13:11):
real life.
And it was, I saw this creator,she's doing awesome.
I'm so happy for her on her booklaunch.
I think we have book launchesaround the same time frame, not
the same kind of books, youknow, but on the same time
frame.
And she's doing great and she'sgetting all these likes and all
this stuff on social media,right?
And I'm so happy for her.
(13:33):
And that's the thing withcomparison, it's like if you
really go down that rabbit hole,it can put you in a place where
you can't even be happy, youknow, and and share in others'
joys, which is really sucky, ifyou ask me.
But she's doing great, she hasthis street team, and the street
team is doing their thing.
And right away I clocked in, Iwas like, uh, I should have done
(13:58):
a street team.
And then that went into I shouldhave been more social, I should
have reached out to more people,I should have been more present
on social media, you know, soforth.
So and you see how that thatspirals, because then all those
thoughts lead into anotherthought that is more negative
(14:19):
than the previous one, you see?
And then when I caught that andI knew where this would lead
from previous experiences, I waslike, hold up.
First of all, you know, I don'tknow everything that is going on
in this creator's life.
She is showing this, but whatshe's not showing is that she
(14:42):
could be potentially strugglingon other things, just like me.
And then when I bring thatreality in, then I'm like, yeah,
because I was in no position todo street teams.
And I remember sorting that outas I was doing the marketing
plan for the ordinary Blue Haand making a decision that I was
(15:06):
not gonna do street teamsbecause it was very convoluted.
I didn't have at that time thecorrect point of contacts, and I
didn't want to take a gander onthe little of marketing money
that I have to use it onsomething that it was not
concrete enough for me, youknow, and no, I didn't have the
(15:30):
contacts or people that I haveknown for a while that I could
ask for them to help me out.
And then I also feel bad askingpeople to work for free as well.
So I was like, you know, thatwas out of the question as well,
you know.
If my friends on social mediawant to post it, which a lot of
(15:50):
them have, that's great.
But I don't want to ask peopleto do free labor for me because
I just feel like that's unfair.
So I brought all of that intoperspective as to why I had made
the decision that I made.
And instead of doing a streetteam, because I remember
specifically looking into it, Idid an ARC, an advanced reader
(16:14):
copy for like 60 days.
And this is a big improvement,by the way, from uh Mrs.
Franchie's Evil Ring.
And we're gonna get to thatbecause that's step three,
that's the TKO for me.
And so that's what I remindedmyself that hey, with the
resources that I had, which arelimited when it comes to time
and when it comes to money formarketing, because I put most of
(16:37):
my money on book cover andediting, that's where most of my
money for book production goes.
So marketing has very little.
And when I mean very little, Imean very little, doing most of
it myself.
And I had to put that intoperspective and understand that
the way that I circumvented thator I mitigated not having a
(16:59):
street team was through ARCs andthrough scheduling social media
posts.
And I did do a little bit ofbook marketing research from
other people that know whatthey're doing and have had
success doing it, and I had afew things not that went viral,
but that got a good reach onTikTok, and people started
(17:20):
talking about my book andgetting my arc and all of that.
So that's step two, right?
I brought proof of what I coulddo with the limited resources
that I had.
You know, step one was likeacknowledging that what I'm
seeing is not completelyfactual, it's not the full
picture.
(17:41):
Then here comes step three,which is the positivity TKO,
because now I'm looking at whatI actually did and the results
that I have gained from that.
And when I did that, I foundthat the ordinary Bruha has
outperformed Mrs.
Franchise Evil Ring on itspre-launch by far.
(18:06):
By miles and miles and miles.
I mean, the Mrs.
Franchise Evil Ring didn't havean arc until after it came out
and it got very little reviews.
I want to say maybe five.
Now, after being out for likethree years, it has 15 reviews
in.
(18:26):
But the ordinary Bruja has overa hundred people that have
downloaded the arc.
You know, that's huge, hugepeople on that galley.
Already has how many 11 reviewsalready?
11 reviews, and it's not evenout yet.
(18:46):
It has two more weeks beforeit's out, and it's continuously
getting traction for people thatwant to read it, for people that
have downloaded, and so forth.
So it's on a trajectory toalready have double the amount
of reviews that it would haveonce it launches, but it would,
(19:08):
I will say, grow even furtheronce it's launched, and it will
bypass Mrs.
Franchise Evil Ring when itcomes to reviews.
And just looking at that, I'mlike, wow, I did something great
here.
And then that kept me fromcomparing this creator's journey
(19:32):
to my journey.
And it was like not instant, butit worked to the point where
like I'm now seeing their postsand I'm like, great, I can cheer
them on.
And this is the best part aboutthis because when I get my
comparison trap feelings incheck, now I can be fully
(19:53):
present for myself and forothers.
Because while I was there inthat comparison trap in that
whole cisterna, you know, ifyou're from the Dominican
Republic and you had water inthe cisterna, you know what I'm
talking about.
That thing is deep and dark, andyou don't know what's in there.
So I'm no longer in La Cisterna,you know, all in the dark and
(20:17):
just feeling crappy for myself.
I have lifted myself out of thatand found that I'm not doing so
bad myself.
And I shouldn't be comparingmyself to that person.
Instead, I should be focusing onmy own journey and my own upward
mobility into progress, into theprogress that I'm doing right
(20:39):
now.
And instead, I am choosing tocompare myself to my past
performance when it comes tobook publishing, not other
people's book publishingperformances, you know, and that
was the the TKO that reallyhelped me to tamper that to the
(21:01):
point where like I'm now able tolook at at social media and be
joyful with other people who arecelebrating their journeys and
also celebrate my own at thesame time.
So you see how insidious thiscomparison trap can be, where it
just makes you bitter, a little,I wouldn't say vengeful, but
(21:24):
jealous for sure, you know?
And and I hope people won't lookat jealousy as like this thing
that they should never talkabout.
I wish we would talk about itmore because it's so natural,
yet it's so prevalent, and yetit's so insidious at the same
time.
But if we hide ourselves fromthat feeling, if we don't
(21:45):
mention it and acknowledge it,then it'll just continue to rot
us from within.
But that's what I was feeling.
I was feeling jealousy, and thatjealousy is like the worst, the
worst, because it leads tocomparison, and comparison
really robs us of all that joy.
(22:07):
But here's what I've learnedbecause I always an advocate for
figuring out what is good, whatis something that I can learn
from this situation, hence why Ihave this podcast, Lessons
Learned, and I'm sharing thatwith you all.
And this is what I've learned,and that is that comparison
doesn't have to be the enemy.
(22:28):
It can actually be a mirror forreflection if you use it right.
When I feel the sting ofjealousy or that wave of I
should be there, I try to askmyself, what is this showing me
about what I want?
Because sometimes that feelingisn't about failure, but is
(22:49):
about showing you whichdirection you want to take,
where you want to be at.
So maybe I'm not so much jealousof someone's success.
Maybe I'm inspired by the kindof connection they're building.
Maybe it's not that I want theiroutcome.
I just want to understand thesystem that helped them get
(23:12):
there so I can have a similaroutcome.
And when I shift from judgmentto curiosity, self-doubt starts
to shrink and start to go away.
The other big lesson that I gotfrom here is to give myself
grace.
(23:33):
See, in step two, I acknowledgethat no, I didn't get a street
team, but I had a good reasonwhy.
I had thought about it, I hadtried to get solid information,
points of context, and so forth,but I fell short, I didn't do
(23:54):
that, and time was runningshort.
I was getting closer to when thebook launch marketing needed to
start kicking in stronger.
And then I chose to put that tothe back burner for potentially
another book, and then insteadchoose on having ARCs early on
so that way I can get morereviews, knowing that reviews
(24:17):
also do a similar thing as asstreet teams, which is word of
mouth, right?
So then I chose uh the secondoption, which was ARCs.
And by putting it that way, Ichose not to shame myself
because I haven't done somethingthat someone else had done and
(24:40):
had a reach, supposedly, and Isay supposedly because that's
what they're showing success intheir book launch.
And I chose not to shame myself,but instead to acknowledge that
yes, I didn't do that, but I didsomething else, and still put it
on my notes as a potentialavenue of approach when it comes
(25:03):
to book marketing for the nextbook.
If I do get those points ofcontext now that I have a little
bit more time, now that this oneis gonna be launched and I'm
just in the drafting phase ofthe second one.
I have a little bit more timenow to sort that out for the
second book.
But I will still do an analysis,especially now that I have done
(25:25):
the arcs for the ordinarybrewha, to see if it's it's
effective for me to do a streetteam as opposed to an ARC, or if
I should do both.
But for both, I will need tohave the money because both cost
money.
I don't want people to work forme for free either.
(25:46):
And that's the thing, right?
When I chose to give myselfgrace as opposed to shaming me,
that right there also shrunkself-doubt.
Because guess what?
Self-doubt thrives on shame.
It thrives on it, it loves itwhen you turn on yourself and
(26:10):
you start self-attacking orself-sabotaging.
It loves it.
But the second you say, okay,that didn't go the way I want
it, what can I do differentlynext time?
You take that power back becauseyou're no longer shaming
yourself or self-attacking.
You are taking that power backand you're finding new ways to
(26:32):
do things a little bit betterand gain a little progress later
on.
So I've learned to replace the Ifailed with I learned.
And that shift alone has made mea better creative, a better
leader, a better human being.
(26:53):
That's the theme you'll see inthe ordinary Bruja too.
Marisol spends so much of herjourney comparing herself to Las
Res Mojonas, the girls who seemto have it all together.
And in doing that, she forgetsthat her magic was never meant
to look like theirs.
That's what I remind myself whenI catch that voice whispering,
(27:14):
you're not doing enough, or youshould be doing this, or you
should be doing that.
I remind myself that my magicdoesn't have to look like anyone
else's, and neither does yours.
So here's the lesson this roundof self-doubt taught me.
You can admire someone else'spath without abandoning your
(27:37):
own.
You can take inspiration withouttaking comparison personally.
And when you catch yourselfspiraling, pull yourself back
with truth.
Remind yourself of what's real.
You're not behind, you're inprocess to progress.
(27:58):
So if you're listening to thisand you've been measuring your
worth against someone else'stimeline, take a deep breath.
Because you're exactly where youneed to be.
And while we're talking aboutreal, I'm gonna remind you,
okay?
Don't hate me for this, but I'mgonna remind you: the ordinary
(28:18):
bruja is available for pre-orderright now.
Advanced readers have called ita powerful and important book.
And on this same mic that I'mtalking to you, I am recording
the audiobook.
And when you pre-order, you havea week and some change to
pre-order, you'll get someexclusive goodies.
A sign deleted scene featuringKia, Marisol, character cards,
(28:42):
and bookmarks, a manifestationcard.
And if I get these stickers toshow up on time, some stickers
too.
So pre-order your copy today athave a cup of joanni.com.
You can also reach out to me,don't feel shy.
Email me at Joa at have a cup ofjohnny.com.
I'm also on TikTok there withtwo profiles at the bookbruja,
(29:04):
which is all about the books Iwrite, and at a cup of joinny,
which is all about the books I'mreading, my podcast, and a
little bit of personal life, andInstagram, my chaotic
bookstagram account at have acup of joinni.
Until next time, remembercomparison is a mirror, not a
(29:25):
map.
It's showing you where you maywant to be, the direction that
you may want to go at.
Until next time, remember whencomparison hits you, look at it,
learn from it, but don't live init.
See you next time.
(29:46):
Bye.
Oh we could weaken fly.
If today's episode spoke to you,share with somebody who's
finding their way back too.
And if you haven't yet, visithave a cup of joani.
For more stories, blog posts andthe gets that started it all.
Thank you for being here.
(30:06):
Until next time, be soft, bebold, and always have a couple
jobs.
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