Marisol Is Me — Hesitant, Haunted, and Holding On

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The journey of radical self-acceptance often begins in the most unexpected ways. For me, it started with a grandmother's stern warning: "You'll get a hump if you keep walking with your head down." What began as fear—fear of adding a hunchback to my already-different appearance with a lazy eye—eventually transformed into something powerful and profound.

Growing up with a visible difference meant learning early what it feels like to be noticed for the "wrong" reasons. The bullies, my real-life version of the three mojonas from The Ordinary Bruja, made sure I knew exactly how I differed from the norm. But somewhere between fear and spite, I discovered an unshakeable pride in walking with my head held high despite their taunts. "You are very prideful for having a crooked eye," one girl hissed at me in school. She was right—though not in the way she intended.

This final episode of "The Why Behind the Bruja" series reveals how Marisol's character arc mirrors my own transformation from a girl seeking invisibility to a woman claiming her power. Like me, Marisol wasn't created to be powerful; she was created to survive. She carries within her every person who's been told they were too weird, too quiet, too brown, too soft, too much, too broken, or not enough. Her journey from survival to power reflects the stubborn strength it takes to keep showing up as yourself in a world that often wants you to disappear.

As we close this series, I invite you to exhale fully and acknowledge this truth: you are not broken, you are powerful, and you deserve to take up space—you always have. Share this episode if it resonates, write a letter to your younger self, or simply allow yourself to be seen today. Your ordinary is sacred, your softness isn't weakness, and your story, just like mine, matters profoundly.

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If today’s episode hit you in the chest the way it hit me, don’t just walk away—walk toward something that reflects you.

Subscribe to the podcast, hit that YouTube channel for the behind-the-scenes, and if you’re ready to read a story about what it really means to come home to yourself—
👉🏽 Preorder The Ordinary Bruja.

https://haveacupofjohanny.com/product/the-ordinary-bruja-book-one-of-las-cerradoras-series-j-e-ortega/

It’s about a Dominican-American bruja who’s been running from herself her whole life until ancestral magic, generational wounds, and a haunted-ass hill force her to face the truth.

If you’ve ever felt “too much,” “not enough,” or like you don’t fit anywhere, you’re exactly who this story was written for.

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Because becoming who you are is the bravest kind of magic.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Oh we could, we could fly.
Welcome back to have a Cup ofJohnny.
This season isn't abouthustling harder.
It's about coming home toyourself, to your voice, to your
breath, to the quiet truth thatyou're still here and you're
not starting over.
You're starting again.

(00:21):
This is your space to reflect,reset and remember who to tell
you why.
So pour your cafecito and let'sbegin.
She wasn't created to bepowerful, she was created to
survive.

(00:42):
Hello everyone, welcome to thefinal episode in this month's
series, the why Behind the Bruja.
This one is the most personalBecause this one it's me, it's
Marisol, it's the girl I was andthe woman I'm still becoming.

(01:03):
There is a theme in theOrdinary Bruja and the moment as
well, a quiet moment whereMarisol almost disappears again.
And that's the theme forMarisol.
Do I show up or do I continueto disappear and seek comfort

(01:31):
Because she thinks maybe it'sbetter to not be seen?
And every time I go back tothat moment, I think about
Marisol's journey and her arc.
It hits me, that's exactlywhere I lived for a long time,

(01:51):
in that moment of wanting todisappear, wanting to seek
comfort.
I've always had this clashinside of me, this back and
forth between wanting to be seenand wanting to disappear,
wanting to show the world who Iam and what I do, while also

(02:16):
hiding behind the safest partsof myself.
And for me, that tug startedyoung.
I've said it again many times Ihave a lazy eye, and when you
grow up with something like that, the world cannot help but
stare at it and you learn quitefast, like me, what it means to

(02:41):
be noticed for the wrong reasons.
That was the first thing thatpeople saw when they saw me.
That was the first thing theysaw before they saw my
brilliance, before they saw myjoy, before they heard my voice.
They saw that.
They saw that I was differentthan the norm.

(03:02):
I was different than the norm,and some of them, of course,
didn't hesitate to make sure Iknew it, to make sure that when
they saw me, they told meexactly what they saw.
These bullies, my own personalversion of the three mojonas,
which you will see in theordinary bruja.
They tried to beat the prideout of me, figuratively, yes,

(03:28):
but also in a way that stillleaves a mark to this day, such
a mark that I wrote it in theThree Mojonas.
But I stood my ground.
Thankfully I did.
I stood my ground Even when itwas hard, even when it hurt,
even when the safest optionwould have been to shrink and

(03:53):
disappear.
But, like I keep saying, mamadidn't raise no fool, right, she
did not.
Mama was very much like MamaVeling in the book.
She was fierce, she was sharp.
She was certainly very oldschool.

(04:13):
I remember she held my chin onceafter school because my sister
will always report on me,meaning that she will always
tell my mom, play by play, ofwhat happened at school and who
bullied me and what did.
They said what they do and allof that.
And in all her stories shewould be my savior because she

(04:36):
was in real life as well.
She will go and beat whoeverwas trying to bully me.
And I remember one day comingfrom school and just walking
with my head down looking at theground, I just I felt defeated,
I felt bad.

(04:57):
You know, I remember theemotions quite a lot, even to
this day, and this is one ofthose core memories that I have
not forgotten.
And she told me she brought mychin up with her finger and she
looked me in the eyes and shewas like don't you dare.
You'll get a hump if you keepwalking with your head held down

(05:22):
, getting a vision of me likethe hunchback of Notre Dame, and
I was like, oh, I can't havethat.
I can't have a hump and a lazyeye that will give, like the
bullies, even more to talk about.
That was what I thought, thatwas my mind as a child back then
, and so that's what I got.
When my grandma told me that,you know, I was a kid and she

(05:45):
was like don't do that, don'twalk with your head held down.
And it was such a powerfulmessage, bacitos, but that's
what I got, you know, as a childI was like, well, shoot, I
can't make myself even moreweird by having a hump on my
back, so I best walk with myhead held up, you know.

(06:07):
So I had to do it.
I had to do it because of whatshe told me, because of fear
that that instilled in me.
That phrase just evoked thisimagination of me as a humpback
and having a lazy eye as well,and that really was my waking up
point to not walk with my headheld down.
So I walked with my head upbecause I was scared, you know,

(06:32):
but I did it right, because thatfear just overran being laughed
at, you know, having peoplecall me weird or calling me like
a monster because I lookdifferent, you know.
Or or the last one, um, aprideful crooked eye girl.

(06:54):
You know, that was the one ofthe last comments.
I remember, uh, people callingme because I just I walked with
my head held high.
That just stayed with me and Iremember it really bothered this
girl in middle school and shejust came up to me and she got
really close.
What was her name?

(07:14):
It's coming to me, claudia,claudia, if you're there
listening to me, hi, girl.
And I remember she came reallyclose to me and she pulled my
hair and she was like you arevery prideful for having a
crooked eye.
And I remember I was like, andthat was like my comeback and

(07:36):
you know, and I kind of I pullmy, my hair out, you know, pull
my head back and kept on walkingwith like that sway that I had.
That all stemmed from thatmoment back in Santo Domingo
when I came back from school andmy grandma told me that and she

(07:58):
enforced that time and timeagain and that's where that
started, with that fear.
That really is where it started.
With that fear, of God forbid,I become even more weird.
So let me walk with my headheld up and from that fear, I
think, I developed this sense ofpride in myself, because you

(08:23):
can't help but develop pridewhen you walk with your head
held high, through a lot ofhardship.
It forces you to develop thatpride.
You see what I'm saying.
And that pride, over time itevolved into something deeper,
something louder.
It became love.
Something deeper, somethinglouder, it became love.

(08:46):
It became that radical,unconditional love, the one that
you don't have to earn.
And I'm pretty sure we haveheard about that, because it has
become like this, not thismantra, but this hype word that
everyone this hype phrase.
I should say that a lot ofpeople use unconditional love,
unconditional love.

(09:06):
But what does that mean?
So I learned when I walked withmy head held high and I walked
through the struggle of havingto combat, physically and
verbally and mentally, peoplethat didn't want me to walk with
my head held high because ofhow I looked, but yet I did, and

(09:30):
that evoked love in me becauseI was looking at myself,
overcoming it.
And eventually that love turnedinto a love I gave myself,
without having to perform,without having to earn it.
And that's when I learned thatthat was radical, unconditional

(09:54):
self-love, because every time,somebody will come to me in a
hateful manner with proof as towhy I shouldn't walk with my
head held high or I shouldn'tlove myself.
I combat that with a reason asto why I should, and that reason
became as simple as and so what?

(10:20):
So what that I have a lazy eye?
So what that I look differentthan the other people in this
room?
So what?
And I still love myself, yousee, and it just became this
reason to do it, just because Ilove myself, just because I love

(10:46):
myself.
It's like I learned that Ididn't have to come up with a
reason, that I just did.
And I think I started doing itto spite people, because I know
that was like.
Anger was my go-to emotiongrowing up and all throughout my
20s and in parts of my 30s aswell, until I let go and let

(11:08):
like love replace that, and allthroughout my 20s and in parts
of my 30s as well, until I letgo and let like love replace
that.
And I think it started withthat as well.
You know, while the walkingwith my head held high started
with fear of turning into moreof a monster, love came out of
spite, because while people weretelling me that I shouldn't

(11:29):
love myself, I was like I'mgoing to show you that I should
and I will.
But then eventually it justbecame this wholesome thing that
I just felt.
And when I felt it for real, Iknew it was for real, because
then, even when people hated me,I didn't feel hate back.

(11:50):
I felt love, compassion, pityfor them, but I didn't feel hate
for them.
Pity for them, but I didn'tfeel hate for them.
I started feeling bad.
I was like wow, because then Istarted to understand, you know,
and after reading books likethe four agreements, I was like

(12:11):
wow, you must really be hurtinginside, you must really hate
yourself to want to pass that onto me.
You see, my mind shifted frompracticing walking with my head
held high, until it becameautomatically, to practicing
radical self-love, which startedfrom spite, but then it became

(12:37):
something wholesome, to readingmore about how I can change my
mind so I can walk in this worldas a full person.
And from those many evolutionscame this person that I'm still
becoming, even to this day, thatnow looks at people that act

(13:00):
like that and feels compassionand empathy.
Yes, there's anger that stillslinger, but it's mostly
compassion, pity and empathy,because I know that there's a
lot of pain there that residesin somebody that wants to also

(13:21):
make you feel hate and pain andanger.
That's why I say like.
Marisol's journey is mine,because she had to start small,
just like me, not with power butwith pain, not with confidence
but with fear like, not withconfidence but with fear.

(13:41):
Like me.
She had to survive first beforeshe could rise, you see, and in
that way she carries every girlwho's ever been told she was
too weird, she was too quiet,too brown, too soft, too much,
too broken, not enough.
She's all of us and she's me,and if you see yourself in her,

(14:12):
she's you too.
Thank you, mama.
It is something about looking atone's journey and seeing the
trajectory that just it bringstears to my eyes and it's
surprising, because it'ssomething that I talk about a

(14:33):
lot, something that is me, thatis my second skin.
That is not surprising at all.
It doesn't shock me, at leastnot anymore.
But it's something about justseeing my path, dissecting it,
looking at it and seeing howrough it was at times and how I

(14:54):
could have chosen so easily tobe comfortable, to be invisible,
to be something other thanmyself or just to simply
disappear.
But it was like thisstubbornness in me to not do
that and I hadn't realized ituntil here I am talking to you
and really seeing how thatstubbornness stemmed from that

(15:18):
one woman and the women beforeher who ferociously survived
their lifelines in a world thatwas, I will say, much more
harsher than mine, but theysurvived long enough to see me
born and to hand me theseteachings.

(15:39):
And that's what you will see inthe Ordinary Bruja the
lifelines, the teachings, thegenerations, imperfect, but that
pass down these core memoriesso Marisol can do what she
needed to do in that book.
So, before we wrap up thisseries, the why behind the bruja

(16:02):
, I want to leave you withsomething to carry.
Take a deep breath and let yourbody exhale fully and say this
out loud or, if you're a littletoo embarrassed, just in your
heart I am not broken, I ampowerful and I deserve to take

(16:24):
up space, because you do youalways have.
Thank you so much, vasitos, forjoining me this month.
Thank you for letting me unpackthe layers behind the ordinary

(16:47):
bruja.
The pandemic sparks, theidentity shifts, the mother
wounds and the quiet, stubbornstrength of a girl named Marisol
, of a girl named Marisol.
I hope these episodes remindedyou that your ordinary is still
sacred, that your hesitancydoesn't cancel your power, that
your softness isn't weakness,that your story, just like mine,

(17:11):
matters.
If this episode resonated withyou, I'd love for you to share
it and tag me atHaveACouOfJoannie on Instagram
and on Facebook.
On TikTok, I am acupofjoe,underscore h-a-n-n-y.

(17:34):
Dm me what you think or, betteryet, write your younger self a
letter, hold her, tell her shemade it.
And until next time, I'm Joaand I see your bruja glow even
when you don't Bye.
If today's episode spoke to you, share it with somebody who's

(17:57):
finding their way back too, andif you haven't yet, visit
haveacupofjoanniecom for morestories, blog posts and the
books that started it all.
Thank you for being here.
Until next time, be soft, bebold and always have a cup of
joannie.