September 17, 2025 • 25 mins
By the time I was nearing retirement, I had climbed as far as I could in the Army. I no longer needed points, promotions, or another degree to advance. And that’s when the question hit me: What about me? What have I done for me?
In this episode of Have a Cup of Johanny, I open up about how I finally admitted that nursing would never be my path, why business administration left me uninspired, and how I made the “selfish” decision to chase joy instead of practicality. But how trying to validate this decision left me crying.
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If today’s episode hit you in the chest the way it hit me, don’t just walk away—walk toward something that reflects you.
Subscribe to the podcast, hit that YouTube channel for the behind-the-scenes, and if you’re ready to read a story about what it really means to come home to yourself—
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https://haveacupofjohanny.com/product/the-ordinary-bruja-book-one-of-las-cerradoras-series-j-e-ortega/
It’s about a Dominican-American bruja who’s been running from herself her whole life until ancestral magic, generational wounds, and a haunted-ass hill force her to face the truth.
If you’ve ever felt “too much,” “not enough,” or like you don’t fit anywhere, you’re exactly who this story was written for.
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Because becoming who you are is the bravest kind of magic.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Oh we could, we could fly.
Welcome back to have a Cup ofJohnny.
This season isn't abouthustling harder.
It's about coming home toyourself, to your voice, to your
breath, to the quiet truth thatyou're still here and you're
not starting over.
You're starting again.
(00:21):
This is your space to reflect,reset and remember who to tell
you.
So pour your cafecito and let'sbegin.
Hello everyone, and welcomeback to have a Cup of Joani
podcast.
This September, I've beensharing the lessons I've learned
(00:45):
in higher education, and notjust academic ones, y'all, but
the life lessons that come witheach chapter.
We've talked about leaving andstaying.
We've talked about going backthrough the army years and
choosing something that is safe.
But this episode is differentbecause this one asked a
(01:09):
question that kept ringing in myhead as I got closer to
retirement, and that questionwas what about me?
What have I done for me?
Are you all ready?
All right, let's go, all right.
So here I am.
(01:29):
I'm in the point in my lifewhere I am nearing retirement.
I am in that like buffer zonefive years out from retirement,
and the wise thing to do whenyou're in that timeline in your
career is to start thinking, tostart developing a plan.
(01:54):
So that way this life changedoesn't become a whiplash.
And that's what I was doing.
I was doing that during thistime, just understanding where I
wanted to be for the nextchapter in my life.
At this point I didn't needpromotion points any longer.
(02:15):
Career was stable.
My son was a junior, sophomorejunior and then eventually a
senior.
So I had the breathing spaceafter years of grinding and in
the army and grinding as asingle mom and then a new wife
(02:35):
and then integrating familiesand things of that nature.
So I had this buffer per se andthis lull that I think that's
the best way to describe it.
And within that lull, that'swhen I started to get really
introspective, because it'salmost like the mortality of
(02:57):
your career becomes very blatant, very visible at this time,
particularly for me.
I'm going to focus on myexperience, because that's all
that I can talk about here, butit was very blatant for me like
oh shoot, you know my career isgoing to die, for lack of better
words.
You know I'm going to reachexpiration.
(03:18):
That's what we call it.
Everyone expires at one point oranother, from the Army, from
military service, and you haveto come to that conclusion that
you're going to switch over frombeing a full-time military
person where you have like theschedule, you have these things
that you're so well-versed on,that has become like second
(03:39):
nature to you and you're goingto jump into something that you
haven't done for a very longtime and potentially have
forgotten how to do that, andthat is be a civilian.
We like to joke, we like to sayhow I can't wait to get out of
uniform and I can't wait nothave to do PT and get up all
dark 30 and all this other stuff, but when the reality hits you,
(04:02):
it's like this anxiety thatcomes over you.
I know it came over me becauseI'm like what am I going to do?
And it's something about thefear of the unknown that just
like really creates thatpalpitation and wants hard and
it really makes you sit downwith that thought that you need
(04:28):
to understand how your life isgoing to look like after you
make this transition.
And the best way to ease thatanxiety is to come up with a
plan and to start working onthat plan.
So, so, during this low, onequestion that I kept coming up
with time after time after time,was what about me?
(04:51):
Because when you seen thatlight at the end, like of the
retirement tunnel, and then youknow that you're like you can
just touch it right now, you canjust extend your hand and touch
it.
And then for me, I look backthose years, those 15 years of
(05:11):
things that I've done before andI've done like really great
things In the army.
I have proven myself over andover and over again.
I have done things that I wouldnever have been able to do had
I not been there wearing theuniform, became a parent my
greatest joy and accomplishmentis my son, and I did a chunk of
(05:33):
that on my own while wearingarmy boots, and to me that's wow
.
I like I don't even know how Idid it when I think about it,
but I did it.
But doing all of that requiredme to do things for others, for
the job, for the career, for theinstitution, and really not put
(05:54):
myself first but put otherpeople first.
And now, when I ask myself thatquestion, what have I done?
For me, the answer to that wasnothing, not much.
And I thought about my bachelors, my associates, and you heard
(06:15):
me say that in the previousepisode.
I did that to gain points, notbecause it was something that I
wanted to do, not because thatwas something that I was
passionate about, although I didfound some really interesting
things in there, don't get mewrong.
Like, especially, justiceAdministration Associates was
(06:37):
very eye-opening, veryinteresting for me because I
found a lot of things that Ididn't know about when it comes
to civil law and law and allthis other stuff.
So that, to me, was amazing andit's something that I kept.
Some of the books, somethingthat I still use to write
certain stories, you know, tomake it more authentic Business
(06:58):
as well, the marketing classesthat I took as part of that.
That's something things,lessons and nuggets that I still
use to this day.
But me embarking on those thingshad nothing to do with what
Joah wanted to do and it hadeverything to do with what Joah
needed to do in order toaccomplish those things.
(07:19):
Those survival needs that I hadat that point and I remember
during this time as well hownursing had been kind of like
that safe career choice, becauseit was like I'd been validated
on that by my mother, by thosenurses in the hospital when I
(07:40):
was taking care of mygrandmother.
So I really thought this waswhat I wanted to do and you
heard me say it I really put alot of effort into this until I
got to a point where I couldn'tdo it.
And then that's when I switchedgears.
And then I got the justiceadministration and the business
(08:01):
administration bachelor's out ofall those other classes that I
took but couldn't finish into adegree for nursing, a BSN.
And that was, I think, the onething when I thought of that.
That was like wow, I've beenchasing the wrong thing.
Because even while I was doingthe justice administration and
(08:23):
business administration, I wasstill looking for a way to still
do the nursing, to finish thatnursing.
And it happened during this lull, within the answers that I was
giving myself from that questionthat asked what have I done for
me?
What have you done for me?
(08:44):
Lately, you know that questionit was more serious in my head,
but it was embarrassing andcringe inside to think like, wow
, joanne, you were chasing thewrong thing.
All this time.
You thought, because someonesaid that you were good at this,
(09:04):
you went head first into thispath without really looking
inward to see if it wassomething that you could sustain
long-term.
And when I had these momentsbecause this didn't just happen
in one moment, this was likemonths of me thinking it over
(09:25):
and over and over and comingback to that question, and I
figure out that there's a bigdifference, y'all.
There's a big difference fromcaring for someone you love
versus caring for other peopleprofessionally, as a career.
And I get a little little, Iget a little emotional about
(09:46):
that, because I was like thisclose I'm putting my fingers
together very close but I wasthis close to choosing something
that would have not given mejoy at all but would probably
depleted everything out of me.
And I remember during this timeI was like God, jo, you don't
even like hospitals.
(10:06):
And that was when it's like Ireally beat myself up when it
comes to this, y'all, Ishouldn't have done that, but
that was only, I know, a littlebit better not to do myself that
way, but I really beat myselfup because I was like Joette,
you don't even like hospitals.
Like that.
I hate hospitals, I don't likegoing to them.
(10:29):
If I can avoid them, I will.
If I can see the doctor througha video call, I will.
And I just I don't like it LikeI equate hospitals with bad
news.
And it's for me going tohospitals quite a lot as a young
kid, when my grandma and myrelatives were trying to figure
(10:50):
out my eye situation.
I have a lazy eye, strabismo,and nothing was ever good.
Just felt like I was proddedand asked to do all these things
and ask all these questions,and then the adults in the room
will always get like all sadeyes and everything about
whatever the doctor said.
So as a child I always equatedto like hospitals are bad.
(11:11):
And then I became an olderchild, a teenager, and then I
saw my grandma in the hospitaland I had to be there for her to
translate and be kind of likethis personal nurse for her.
And sure enough, none of thatwas good either.
So I don't equate hospital withgood things, and that's the
(11:31):
thing.
I couldn't believe that I wasthat close to making a decision
that would have made me somiserable.
Now I tell my husband I waslike I would never have been cut
out to be a nurse.
First of all, I don't likeinflicting pain on other people,
so just like doing that,anything that a person will be
(11:52):
like oh you know, or anythinglike that, I would have left the
room.
I would have been like I'msorry, I'll leave you be, you
know, and then that's it, andthen I will go to the break room
or whatnot and not do anything,dead, and I will go to the
break room or whatnot and not doanything, and just the whole
being in that setting just makesme really sad from my
experience before.
So I would have essentiallyjust created this life.
(12:15):
That would have been goingagainst my joy, what I like to
do, my personality, my joy, whatI like to do, my personality
myself.
But during this time it's likeI knew what I didn't want to do.
(12:36):
I knew that I didn't want to donursing.
I wasn't cut out for that.
It wouldn't give me joy.
I also took a look at businessadministration, because I did
roll that over in my head quitea few times.
You know, should I go for anMBA?
And I remember talking to myhusband about it too, and he was
like yeah.
And even me I was like, yeah,that's a good idea.
It would have been easy, aneasy path for me, because I
(12:58):
already had the bachelor, so itwould have been an easy
transition and fewer classes toaccomplish when it comes to this
.
But it wouldn't be me if it waseasy.
I'm like, easy, what is that?
No, let's do it the hard way.
(13:18):
So I started really going downmy timeline, my history.
It was like this nostalgic kindof loop in my head because I
really had to go back to whendid I feel like myself?
When did I truly feel that joy?
(13:42):
And here I am, having been inthe United States for decades
already at this point and stillremembering my grandma, my
motherland and what Iexperienced there.
And it is so magical to lookback at that and that's what I
was doing during this time,because I really had to search
(14:05):
about those moments that broughtme joy and that was so
organically me.
But I didn't have to put a face, like I say, and I went back to
that time when my grandma usedto just rock me on the rocking
chair outside of our front porchin the Dominican Republic
(14:25):
before the sun used to set.
And we will be there as the sunwould set and we would read as
the sun will set in theDominican Republic, over the
little hatch houses with sinkroofs on them, and that was so
magical.
That's why, to this day, I lovereading and I remember just
(14:51):
rocking and just reading thesestories or reading letters, so
that way I will know how to readand then she will read me
things, whether it was prayersor poems.
Poems were such a big thing andit was not practical at all,
y'all.
But it was so, ah, so different, so lovely, so magical, and I
(15:19):
was like that's where I want tobe.
I want and I've always said it,I want to get paid to read and
write.
It was a joke before, but now,like since then, I've been
taking it more seriously becausethat's exactly what I want for
myself.
I want to be in a positionwhere people are paying me to
(15:42):
read and write.
That's it.
But it's still that voice,though in my head at that time,
where it's like that's notpractical.
What are you going to do withthat?
So I went to a writingconference because I was like,
let me test it out, let me seeif this is truly what I want to
do with that.
So I went to a writingconference because I was like,
let me test it out, let me seeif this is truly what I want to
do.
Let me be in a room filled withwriters, with authors and SMEs,
(16:06):
subject matter experts, thosepeople that have done it and
done it well, to let me knowwhat is true, how you go about
doing this.
Let me dip my feet in the waterto see if this is something I
want to do.
So I went to a writingconference Horrible experience,
(16:26):
horrible.
It was awful I have writtensomething, because I've always
been writing things.
That should have been anothergreen flag that I should have
looked at and be like Joanne,you're always writing, come on
now, you know what you want todo.
You're just not being truthful,but I wrote this thing and,
(16:46):
mind you, it was not good.
It's just those stories that youwrite when you don't even know
what you're doing.
You don't even know the conceptof the story.
You know the concept of thestory from reading, reading a
lot, but it really is still notenough to make a cohesive story
that has a solid structure thatreaders can follow.
(17:10):
So now, looking back at that, Iunderstand what I was missing,
but nevertheless it had somegood words in there and I shared
this.
I was super confident.
I was like, yes, they askedlike who wants to share?
And I shared it.
And my stories have English andSpanish and Spanglish in them
because my main characters, theyspeak like me, they interlace
(17:34):
both languages and I got so muchflag about that that, right
there, took me out.
I remember leaving that writingconference in tears, like I
didn't do the social or anythingelse.
I was like I cannot, becauseyou have to understand they were
wrong for that.
But I was also very emotionalbecause that's one of my first
(17:57):
pieces of writing that I wassharing with others in a public
setting.
So to have that kind offeedback, that was just
atrocious.
It was a stab in the heart forme.
(18:18):
Not just that themicroaggression of the comments
of like, if you're writing thisway, why are you here?
You should be in Latin America.
You know that was one of thosecomments.
Or, who do you think yourtarget audience is?
Mind you, I'm like, I'm not awriter at that time.
Like I'm writing stories, butI'm not.
You know, like I don't knownothing.
It's like well, who is yourtarget audience?
Your target audience speaksEnglish and you have all these
(18:39):
Spanish words in there and stufflike that.
You know, because you're inAmerica, therefore it needs to
be in English.
And what was another one?
Oh, but even if you go to LatinAmerica, you know that they
don't read that much, so it'snot like you're gonna make any
money out of it.
It was like something like thattoo, and I'm like and, mind you
like, well, I don't knowanything about writing.
(18:59):
I do know a lot aboutmicroaggressions, racism and
discrimination, and that was allof that in that room and I
didn't appreciate it and I justfelt attacked and I took it very
personal because, once again,this is like my very first piece
.
I'm in a public setting myfirst time, sharing this with
people, and I took it verypersonal because, once again,
this is like my very first piece.
I'm in a public setting myfirst time, sharing this with
(19:19):
people.
And I just left in tears and Iwas like, well, maybe this is
not for me.
I was like, maybe this is notwhat will bring me joy, because
here I am crying.
And I called my husband and hewas like just come home and it
was so awful because this was atrip that I had looked forward
(19:44):
to for so long.
I remember I was on social mediaasking for tips about how to
behave.
What do I do at a writer'sconference?
This was my very first one andI was so hyped up.
I had reserved a hotel way inadvance, got my tickets, went in
(20:06):
there and register and all ofthat Got into a plane to do this
because it was in Californiaand I was in Wisconsin.
Because it was in Californiaand I was in Wisconsin, took
leave way ahead to make surethat that time was free and told
a lot of people that this waswhat I was going to do.
To kind of like I feel so silly.
(20:27):
To kind of like pursue mydestiny, you know, pursue what
I've always wanted to do.
It blew up in my face and I wasso, so distraught over this,
but that's not the end of thisstory.
I want you all to come backnext Tuesday so you all can hear
(20:48):
the end of that story.
Nevertheless, here's the lessonwhen it comes to this, and what
I learned from all of this isthat sometimes you gotta
question yourself and do like anasthma check to see if you're
heading in the right direction.
Are you doing the things thatyou should be doing to bring joy
(21:13):
into your life?
Because I feel that what Ilearned from here is that you
need both.
You need practicality, but youalso need love and joy.
And perhaps, if you're in asituation like me where you have
to survive first, perhaps thefirst things that you do is you
do it for practicality, you doit so that way you can survive
(21:35):
and make enough money untilyou're stable and then, once you
are, then you can do things outof love and for joy and to
nourish yourself and hopefullyyou can grow those skills so
that way your love and yourcreativeness and your joy can
also make you money, because wecan't survive, unfortunately,
with just joy and creativity.
(21:57):
We need to make money.
I know people romanticize thestarving artist thing, but
that's not gonna work y'all.
You can be an artist all daylong, but you can't be starving.
If you're starving, you can'tgive your creativity to others,
so you need to be making somemoney off of your art and that's
(22:19):
something that I want to leaveyou all with.
That.
While you may have to choosepracticality at some points in
your life, like I did,eventually you will need to make
the joyful choice.
Selfishness isn't always bad.
Sometimes it's the healthiestdecision to make for yourself.
(22:41):
And also education evolves withyou.
What you need in your 20s maynot be what you need in your 40.
And it's okay to take thatpause to utilize the lulls in
your life to reevaluate thechoices that you made, the
direction that you're going tosee if it's still worthwhile, if
(23:03):
it's still part of who you areand if it's still in line with
your values, your systems andyour lifestyle.
In talking about writing, I justwant y'all to know that I
finished the Ordinary Brujas,the ARCs, the Advanced Reader
Copies, and they are inBooksprout and in BookFunnel
(23:26):
just for you.
So if you are an ARC reader, anAdvanced Reader Copy reader and
reviewer, pay attention to thisand go ahead and click on them
on Booksprout or on BookFunnel.
I will put the links on theshow notes for you.
Because, guess what?
I chose joy.
You will hear more about thatin the next episode.
(23:51):
Eventually, I chose joy and joycomes from writing and from
reading.
Chose joy and joy comes fromwriting and from reading, and
it's something that I eventuallygot back to it while I gave it
up, and you'll hear more aboutthat in the next episode.
It's a good new story because Icame back and now we have the
ordinary bruja here and I haveyou all to witness this comeback
(24:16):
.
All right, so come back forthis comeback, kid here, and I
will see you next time on thehave a Cup of Johnny podcast.
Bye, thank you.
(25:22):
Visit haveacupofjoanniecom formore stories, blog posts and the
books that started it all.
Thank you for being here.
Until next time, be soft, bebold and always have a cup of
(25:46):
joannie.
Oh we could, we could fly.
Welcome back to have a Cup ofJohnny.
This season isn't abouthustling harder.
It's about coming home toyourself, to your voice, to your
breath, to the quiet truth thatyou're still here and you're
not starting over.
You're starting again.
(00:21):
This is your space to reflect,reset and remember who to tell
you.
So pour your cafecito and let'sbegin.
Hello everyone, and welcomeback to have a Cup of Joani
podcast.
This September, I've beensharing the lessons I've learned
(00:45):
in higher education, and notjust academic ones, y'all, but
the life lessons that come witheach chapter.
We've talked about leaving andstaying.
We've talked about going backthrough the army years and
choosing something that is safe.
But this episode is differentbecause this one asked a
(01:09):
question that kept ringing in myhead as I got closer to
retirement, and that questionwas what about me?
What have I done for me?
Are you all ready?
All right, let's go, all right.
So here I am.
(01:29):
I'm in the point in my lifewhere I am nearing retirement.
I am in that like buffer zonefive years out from retirement,
and the wise thing to do whenyou're in that timeline in your
career is to start thinking, tostart developing a plan.
(01:54):
So that way this life changedoesn't become a whiplash.
And that's what I was doing.
I was doing that during thistime, just understanding where I
wanted to be for the nextchapter in my life.
At this point I didn't needpromotion points any longer.
(02:15):
Career was stable.
My son was a junior, sophomorejunior and then eventually a
senior.
So I had the breathing spaceafter years of grinding and in
the army and grinding as asingle mom and then a new wife
(02:35):
and then integrating familiesand things of that nature.
So I had this buffer per se andthis lull that I think that's
the best way to describe it.
And within that lull, that'swhen I started to get really
introspective, because it'salmost like the mortality of
(02:57):
your career becomes very blatant, very visible at this time,
particularly for me.
I'm going to focus on myexperience, because that's all
that I can talk about here, butit was very blatant for me like
oh shoot, you know my career isgoing to die, for lack of better
words.
You know I'm going to reachexpiration.
(03:18):
That's what we call it.
Everyone expires at one point oranother, from the Army, from
military service, and you haveto come to that conclusion that
you're going to switch over frombeing a full-time military
person where you have like theschedule, you have these things
that you're so well-versed on,that has become like second
(03:39):
nature to you and you're goingto jump into something that you
haven't done for a very longtime and potentially have
forgotten how to do that, andthat is be a civilian.
We like to joke, we like to sayhow I can't wait to get out of
uniform and I can't wait nothave to do PT and get up all
dark 30 and all this other stuff, but when the reality hits you,
(04:02):
it's like this anxiety thatcomes over you.
I know it came over me becauseI'm like what am I going to do?
And it's something about thefear of the unknown that just
like really creates thatpalpitation and wants hard and
it really makes you sit downwith that thought that you need
(04:28):
to understand how your life isgoing to look like after you
make this transition.
And the best way to ease thatanxiety is to come up with a
plan and to start working onthat plan.
So, so, during this low, onequestion that I kept coming up
with time after time after time,was what about me?
(04:51):
Because when you seen thatlight at the end, like of the
retirement tunnel, and then youknow that you're like you can
just touch it right now, you canjust extend your hand and touch
it.
And then for me, I look backthose years, those 15 years of
(05:11):
things that I've done before andI've done like really great
things In the army.
I have proven myself over andover and over again.
I have done things that I wouldnever have been able to do had
I not been there wearing theuniform, became a parent my
greatest joy and accomplishmentis my son, and I did a chunk of
(05:33):
that on my own while wearingarmy boots, and to me that's wow
.
I like I don't even know how Idid it when I think about it,
but I did it.
But doing all of that requiredme to do things for others, for
the job, for the career, for theinstitution, and really not put
(05:54):
myself first but put otherpeople first.
And now, when I ask myself thatquestion, what have I done?
For me, the answer to that wasnothing, not much.
And I thought about my bachelors, my associates, and you heard
(06:15):
me say that in the previousepisode.
I did that to gain points, notbecause it was something that I
wanted to do, not because thatwas something that I was
passionate about, although I didfound some really interesting
things in there, don't get mewrong.
Like, especially, justiceAdministration Associates was
(06:37):
very eye-opening, veryinteresting for me because I
found a lot of things that Ididn't know about when it comes
to civil law and law and allthis other stuff.
So that, to me, was amazing andit's something that I kept.
Some of the books, somethingthat I still use to write
certain stories, you know, tomake it more authentic Business
(06:58):
as well, the marketing classesthat I took as part of that.
That's something things,lessons and nuggets that I still
use to this day.
But me embarking on those thingshad nothing to do with what
Joah wanted to do and it hadeverything to do with what Joah
needed to do in order toaccomplish those things.
(07:19):
Those survival needs that I hadat that point and I remember
during this time as well hownursing had been kind of like
that safe career choice, becauseit was like I'd been validated
on that by my mother, by thosenurses in the hospital when I
(07:40):
was taking care of mygrandmother.
So I really thought this waswhat I wanted to do and you
heard me say it I really put alot of effort into this until I
got to a point where I couldn'tdo it.
And then that's when I switchedgears.
And then I got the justiceadministration and the business
(08:01):
administration bachelor's out ofall those other classes that I
took but couldn't finish into adegree for nursing, a BSN.
And that was, I think, the onething when I thought of that.
That was like wow, I've beenchasing the wrong thing.
Because even while I was doingthe justice administration and
(08:23):
business administration, I wasstill looking for a way to still
do the nursing, to finish thatnursing.
And it happened during this lull, within the answers that I was
giving myself from that questionthat asked what have I done for
me?
What have you done for me?
(08:44):
Lately, you know that questionit was more serious in my head,
but it was embarrassing andcringe inside to think like, wow
, joanne, you were chasing thewrong thing.
All this time.
You thought, because someonesaid that you were good at this,
(09:04):
you went head first into thispath without really looking
inward to see if it wassomething that you could sustain
long-term.
And when I had these momentsbecause this didn't just happen
in one moment, this was likemonths of me thinking it over
(09:25):
and over and over and comingback to that question, and I
figure out that there's a bigdifference, y'all.
There's a big difference fromcaring for someone you love
versus caring for other peopleprofessionally, as a career.
And I get a little little, Iget a little emotional about
(09:46):
that, because I was like thisclose I'm putting my fingers
together very close but I wasthis close to choosing something
that would have not given mejoy at all but would probably
depleted everything out of me.
And I remember during this timeI was like God, jo, you don't
even like hospitals.
(10:06):
And that was when it's like Ireally beat myself up when it
comes to this, y'all, Ishouldn't have done that, but
that was only, I know, a littlebit better not to do myself that
way, but I really beat myselfup because I was like Joette,
you don't even like hospitals.
Like that.
I hate hospitals, I don't likegoing to them.
(10:29):
If I can avoid them, I will.
If I can see the doctor througha video call, I will.
And I just I don't like it LikeI equate hospitals with bad
news.
And it's for me going tohospitals quite a lot as a young
kid, when my grandma and myrelatives were trying to figure
(10:50):
out my eye situation.
I have a lazy eye, strabismo,and nothing was ever good.
Just felt like I was proddedand asked to do all these things
and ask all these questions,and then the adults in the room
will always get like all sadeyes and everything about
whatever the doctor said.
So as a child I always equatedto like hospitals are bad.
(11:11):
And then I became an olderchild, a teenager, and then I
saw my grandma in the hospitaland I had to be there for her to
translate and be kind of likethis personal nurse for her.
And sure enough, none of thatwas good either.
So I don't equate hospital withgood things, and that's the
(11:31):
thing.
I couldn't believe that I wasthat close to making a decision
that would have made me somiserable.
Now I tell my husband I waslike I would never have been cut
out to be a nurse.
First of all, I don't likeinflicting pain on other people,
so just like doing that,anything that a person will be
(11:52):
like oh you know, or anythinglike that, I would have left the
room.
I would have been like I'msorry, I'll leave you be, you
know, and then that's it, andthen I will go to the break room
or whatnot and not do anything,dead, and I will go to the
break room or whatnot and not doanything, and just the whole
being in that setting just makesme really sad from my
experience before.
So I would have essentiallyjust created this life.
(12:15):
That would have been goingagainst my joy, what I like to
do, my personality, my joy, whatI like to do, my personality
myself.
But during this time it's likeI knew what I didn't want to do.
(12:36):
I knew that I didn't want to donursing.
I wasn't cut out for that.
It wouldn't give me joy.
I also took a look at businessadministration, because I did
roll that over in my head quitea few times.
You know, should I go for anMBA?
And I remember talking to myhusband about it too, and he was
like yeah.
And even me I was like, yeah,that's a good idea.
It would have been easy, aneasy path for me, because I
(12:58):
already had the bachelor, so itwould have been an easy
transition and fewer classes toaccomplish when it comes to this
.
But it wouldn't be me if it waseasy.
I'm like, easy, what is that?
No, let's do it the hard way.
(13:18):
So I started really going downmy timeline, my history.
It was like this nostalgic kindof loop in my head because I
really had to go back to whendid I feel like myself?
When did I truly feel that joy?
(13:42):
And here I am, having been inthe United States for decades
already at this point and stillremembering my grandma, my
motherland and what Iexperienced there.
And it is so magical to lookback at that and that's what I
was doing during this time,because I really had to search
(14:05):
about those moments that broughtme joy and that was so
organically me.
But I didn't have to put a face, like I say, and I went back to
that time when my grandma usedto just rock me on the rocking
chair outside of our front porchin the Dominican Republic
(14:25):
before the sun used to set.
And we will be there as the sunwould set and we would read as
the sun will set in theDominican Republic, over the
little hatch houses with sinkroofs on them, and that was so
magical.
That's why, to this day, I lovereading and I remember just
(14:51):
rocking and just reading thesestories or reading letters, so
that way I will know how to readand then she will read me
things, whether it was prayersor poems.
Poems were such a big thing andit was not practical at all,
y'all.
But it was so, ah, so different, so lovely, so magical, and I
(15:19):
was like that's where I want tobe.
I want and I've always said it,I want to get paid to read and
write.
It was a joke before, but now,like since then, I've been
taking it more seriously becausethat's exactly what I want for
myself.
I want to be in a positionwhere people are paying me to
(15:42):
read and write.
That's it.
But it's still that voice,though in my head at that time,
where it's like that's notpractical.
What are you going to do withthat?
So I went to a writingconference because I was like,
let me test it out, let me seeif this is truly what I want to
do with that.
So I went to a writingconference because I was like,
let me test it out, let me seeif this is truly what I want to
do.
Let me be in a room filled withwriters, with authors and SMEs,
(16:06):
subject matter experts, thosepeople that have done it and
done it well, to let me knowwhat is true, how you go about
doing this.
Let me dip my feet in the waterto see if this is something I
want to do.
So I went to a writingconference Horrible experience,
(16:26):
horrible.
It was awful I have writtensomething, because I've always
been writing things.
That should have been anothergreen flag that I should have
looked at and be like Joanne,you're always writing, come on
now, you know what you want todo.
You're just not being truthful,but I wrote this thing and,
(16:46):
mind you, it was not good.
It's just those stories that youwrite when you don't even know
what you're doing.
You don't even know the conceptof the story.
You know the concept of thestory from reading, reading a
lot, but it really is still notenough to make a cohesive story
that has a solid structure thatreaders can follow.
(17:10):
So now, looking back at that, Iunderstand what I was missing,
but nevertheless it had somegood words in there and I shared
this.
I was super confident.
I was like, yes, they askedlike who wants to share?
And I shared it.
And my stories have English andSpanish and Spanglish in them
because my main characters, theyspeak like me, they interlace
(17:34):
both languages and I got so muchflag about that that, right
there, took me out.
I remember leaving that writingconference in tears, like I
didn't do the social or anythingelse.
I was like I cannot, becauseyou have to understand they were
wrong for that.
But I was also very emotionalbecause that's one of my first
(17:57):
pieces of writing that I wassharing with others in a public
setting.
So to have that kind offeedback, that was just
atrocious.
It was a stab in the heart forme.
(18:18):
Not just that themicroaggression of the comments
of like, if you're writing thisway, why are you here?
You should be in Latin America.
You know that was one of thosecomments.
Or, who do you think yourtarget audience is?
Mind you, I'm like, I'm not awriter at that time.
Like I'm writing stories, butI'm not.
You know, like I don't knownothing.
It's like well, who is yourtarget audience?
Your target audience speaksEnglish and you have all these
(18:39):
Spanish words in there and stufflike that.
You know, because you're inAmerica, therefore it needs to
be in English.
And what was another one?
Oh, but even if you go to LatinAmerica, you know that they
don't read that much, so it'snot like you're gonna make any
money out of it.
It was like something like thattoo, and I'm like and, mind you
like, well, I don't knowanything about writing.
(18:59):
I do know a lot aboutmicroaggressions, racism and
discrimination, and that was allof that in that room and I
didn't appreciate it and I justfelt attacked and I took it very
personal because, once again,this is like my very first piece
.
I'm in a public setting myfirst time, sharing this with
people, and I took it verypersonal because, once again,
this is like my very first piece.
I'm in a public setting myfirst time, sharing this with
(19:19):
people.
And I just left in tears and Iwas like, well, maybe this is
not for me.
I was like, maybe this is notwhat will bring me joy, because
here I am crying.
And I called my husband and hewas like just come home and it
was so awful because this was atrip that I had looked forward
(19:44):
to for so long.
I remember I was on social mediaasking for tips about how to
behave.
What do I do at a writer'sconference?
This was my very first one andI was so hyped up.
I had reserved a hotel way inadvance, got my tickets, went in
(20:06):
there and register and all ofthat Got into a plane to do this
because it was in Californiaand I was in Wisconsin.
Because it was in Californiaand I was in Wisconsin, took
leave way ahead to make surethat that time was free and told
a lot of people that this waswhat I was going to do.
To kind of like I feel so silly.
(20:27):
To kind of like pursue mydestiny, you know, pursue what
I've always wanted to do.
It blew up in my face and I wasso, so distraught over this,
but that's not the end of thisstory.
I want you all to come backnext Tuesday so you all can hear
(20:48):
the end of that story.
Nevertheless, here's the lessonwhen it comes to this, and what
I learned from all of this isthat sometimes you gotta
question yourself and do like anasthma check to see if you're
heading in the right direction.
Are you doing the things thatyou should be doing to bring joy
(21:13):
into your life?
Because I feel that what Ilearned from here is that you
need both.
You need practicality, but youalso need love and joy.
And perhaps, if you're in asituation like me where you have
to survive first, perhaps thefirst things that you do is you
do it for practicality, you doit so that way you can survive
(21:35):
and make enough money untilyou're stable and then, once you
are, then you can do things outof love and for joy and to
nourish yourself and hopefullyyou can grow those skills so
that way your love and yourcreativeness and your joy can
also make you money, because wecan't survive, unfortunately,
with just joy and creativity.
(21:57):
We need to make money.
I know people romanticize thestarving artist thing, but
that's not gonna work y'all.
You can be an artist all daylong, but you can't be starving.
If you're starving, you can'tgive your creativity to others,
so you need to be making somemoney off of your art and that's
(22:19):
something that I want to leaveyou all with.
That.
While you may have to choosepracticality at some points in
your life, like I did,eventually you will need to make
the joyful choice.
Selfishness isn't always bad.
Sometimes it's the healthiestdecision to make for yourself.
(22:41):
And also education evolves withyou.
What you need in your 20s maynot be what you need in your 40.
And it's okay to take thatpause to utilize the lulls in
your life to reevaluate thechoices that you made, the
direction that you're going tosee if it's still worthwhile, if
(23:03):
it's still part of who you areand if it's still in line with
your values, your systems andyour lifestyle.
In talking about writing, I justwant y'all to know that I
finished the Ordinary Brujas,the ARCs, the Advanced Reader
Copies, and they are inBooksprout and in BookFunnel
(23:26):
just for you.
So if you are an ARC reader, anAdvanced Reader Copy reader and
reviewer, pay attention to thisand go ahead and click on them
on Booksprout or on BookFunnel.
I will put the links on theshow notes for you.
Because, guess what?
I chose joy.
You will hear more about thatin the next episode.
(23:51):
Eventually, I chose joy and joycomes from writing and from
reading.
Chose joy and joy comes fromwriting and from reading, and
it's something that I eventuallygot back to it while I gave it
up, and you'll hear more aboutthat in the next episode.
It's a good new story because Icame back and now we have the
ordinary bruja here and I haveyou all to witness this comeback
(24:16):
.
All right, so come back forthis comeback, kid here, and I
will see you next time on thehave a Cup of Johnny podcast.
Bye, thank you.
(25:22):
Visit haveacupofjoanniecom formore stories, blog posts and the
books that started it all.
Thank you for being here.
Until next time, be soft, bebold and always have a cup of
(25:46):
joannie.
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