September 3, 2025 • 27 mins
In this first episode of my September series on higher education, I open up about the tug-of-war I felt as a teenager—caring for my grandmother while craving freedom, being accepted to UMass Amherst but landing at community college instead, and realizing I wasn’t ready the first time around.
This is a story about leaving and staying, guilt and grace, and the small seeds that stay with us—like the moment a professor told me, “You have a talent.” It’s proof that even when we think we’ve failed, we’re actually carrying the foundation for what comes next.
✨ Preorder my upcoming novel The Ordinary Bruja here: haveacupofjohanny.com.
☕ Mentioned in this episode: my journey as a barista college dropout—and why that detour mattered more than I knew at the time.
📧 Email me: joa@haveacupofjohanny.com
📱 TikTok: @acupofjo_hanny | @thebookbruja
📸 Instagram: @haveacupofjohanny
If today’s episode hit you in the chest the way it hit me, don’t just walk away—walk toward something that reflects you.
Subscribe to the podcast, hit that YouTube channel for the behind-the-scenes, and if you’re ready to read a story about what it really means to come home to yourself—
👉🏽 Preorder The Ordinary Bruja.
https://haveacupofjohanny.com/product/the-ordinary-bruja-book-one-of-las-cerradoras-series-j-e-ortega/
It’s about a Dominican-American bruja who’s been running from herself her whole life until ancestral magic, generational wounds, and a haunted-ass hill force her to face the truth.
If you’ve ever felt “too much,” “not enough,” or like you don’t fit anywhere, you’re exactly who this story was written for.
🎙️ Subscribe.
📺 Follow on YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC2SRDePbyy8M85Wbf25VUCg
📚 Preorder The Ordinary Bruja. https://haveacupofjohanny.com/product/the-ordinary-bruja-book-one-of-las-cerradoras-series-j-e-ortega/
Because becoming who you are is the bravest kind of magic.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Oh we could, we could fly.
Welcome back to have a Cup ofJohnny.
This season isn't abouthustling harder.
It's about coming home toyourself, to your voice, to your
breath, to the quiet truth thatyou're still here and you're
not starting over, you'restarting again.
(00:21):
This is your space to reflect,reset and remember who we tell
you.
So pour your cafecito and let'sbegin.
Hello everyone, and welcomeback to have a Cup of Joannie,
(00:42):
just reeling from celebrating mybirthday.
As you may have heard me, or ifyou follow me on social media,
you will see those tags on theshow notes.
By the way, you know that Icelebrate my birthday from
August 1st all the way to August31st.
That is just something that Ido.
(01:03):
I feel birthdays are veryspecial and I like to take that
time to celebrate me because Iknow there will be future days,
future upcoming months where I'mgoing to feel like I'm not
worthy to be celebrated.
So I take advantage of thismonth to do so and I have those
(01:25):
moments that I did to look backand to be held as a reminder
that I am worthy of happiness, Iam worthy of joy, I am worthy
of celebration.
So, just you know.
Food for thought for you.
If you're wondering if it's agood thing for you to do, I
highly recommend it.
Five out of five stars, highlyrecommend.
(01:48):
Celebrate you as much as youcan, all right, okay, september,
though.
Because we're in September, Itook a few days to think about
what the theme will be for thismonth.
Think about what the theme willbe for this month, and
(02:12):
September always comes to mewith smells of pencils, of
classrooms, those creaky chairswhen you sit on them, of dry
erase boards.
You know boards, you know it.
Just it reminds me of education.
So I'm like you know what thismonth?
I want to talk about whathigher education taught me, and
(02:34):
I'm not talking about, like,scholarly lessons.
Maybe some of that may leak inthere, but that's not the focus.
I'm talking about life lessons.
Okay, what that execution ofthat decision to go into higher
education and through all thosemicro phases of my life as I got
(02:59):
an associate, a bachelor's andlater on, a master's what they
taught me.
I want to share that with youthis month of September.
I hope y'all are ready for this.
All right, we're going to startwith this episode, because this
episode I'm going to focus onleaving.
(03:21):
This episode, I'm going totackle that first step out of
the house, right, leaving,staying.
Do I go me?
Voy me quedo?
What do I do and how?
Sometimes those two things canhappen at the exact same time.
That sounds very confusing, butlet's begin.
(03:44):
All right, y'all.
When I was 15, going on 16 and Idid start at college early I
was skipped a grade, so I wentinto that phase of my life a
(04:05):
little earlier than most people.
So when I got to be 16, all Iwanted to do was to leave my
house.
I was very constricted there.
By then.
I was living with my mom.
She was holding on to me tightand I know part of that was just
her protecting me.
But I also know because I haveto be honest right that it was
(04:26):
also about having me there so Ican help with certain
responsibilities in the house.
You know, particularly I wascaring for my grandmother who
had immigrated to the UnitedStates.
She was a woman that raised mewhile I was still in the
Dominican Republic with her,before I was able to get papers
(04:47):
and come to live with my mom.
And after a few years of beingin the States my grandmother got
really sick.
She was battling cancer and Iwas just a kid, you know.
But at that age, yes, I was akid, but I wasn't thinking of
myself as a kid.
(05:08):
I was thinking of myself asbeing like this pre-grownup that
was ready to start my life, toget out of that pod.
It just felt so constricted, somuch pressure there, you know,
like I didn't have room tobreathe and I just felt like I
(05:30):
couldn't do the things that Iwant.
I was going to school, I wasliving in my mom's house and I
couldn't do much there exceptfor do chores and then be at the
hospital so I can stay therewith my grandmother, who needed
someone to translate for her,and also like a personal nurse
(05:53):
of sorts, because the nursesthere didn't know how to speak
Spanish.
We were in Massachusetts, andto ask for a translator just
took more time to get thingsdone.
So at one point during mychildhood I was living in the
hospital and my mom was pickingme up from there to go to school
(06:14):
, and then I'll go back there,you see, so I was really.
I think that was part of thereason why I wanted to get away.
Looking back at that, though,there's some guilt there as well
, because this is my grandmay'all Like.
This is the woman that raisedme, you know, and I feel guilty
when I think back about wantingto leave, you know, because
(06:40):
wanting to leave meant meleaving my grandma behind as
well, you know.
So it's like I'm always soconflicted whenever I think
about that time, because I'mlike I just want it to be me,
but then I didn't want to leavemy grandma behind, but I ended
up leaving her behind anyways togo to college.
(07:01):
Eventually, while I was there,though, she did get out of the
hospital, but after I left, shegot sick, and, as with cancer
right, it's like when it comesback it just comes back worse,
and it came back really bad.
She got a little bit better,and then she ended up just
wanting to go back to theDominican Republic, because, you
know, she was like, if I'mgoing to die, I'd rather die in
(07:23):
my home country.
And then we did as she wished,and eventually I want to say
like close to a year after thatshe ended up dying, and to this
day, it's still something that Ihaven't really fully grasped,
because I don't allow myself tothink too much about that.
This is the most I've talkedabout it, to be honest with you.
(07:45):
But yeah, but before all of thathappened, I was just a kid,
spending a lot of my junior andsenior year in the hospital, not
because I was sick but to helpmy grandmother, to the point
where, once I graduated, I waslike, let's go, let me get out
of here already.
And I did get accepted to UMass, amherst.
But my mom was like no, that'stoo far away.
(08:08):
You know, you need to be closerto the house so that way I can
help out, you know, and be close, in case I needed to go back
home for whatever.
And I was like, ok.
I said OK, but that's the thingwith me, right?
I said okay, but that's thething with me, right.
Even if I say okay and I'm nottruly okay with it, even though
I do it, my heart is not gonnabe in it.
(08:30):
And that's what happened.
I ended up going to the localcommunity college and while I
had fun and there I did meetsome great people, you know, and
some really great thingshappened, like I had my first
boyfriend, I became part of theThird World Society, while I met
(08:51):
other people from marginalizedidentities like me, right, and I
got into a writing class, eventhough that was not my major,
because my mom didn't want me tomajor in writing because she
said that you cannot make anymoney off of writing.
So even that right, my heartwas not into the nursing thing.
But in this writing class, theprofessor, she saw one of my
(09:15):
papers that I had written andshe got in front of class and
she was like there's some of youthat have exceptional talent,
you know.
And then she handed me my paperand she was like there's some
of you that have exceptionaltalent, you know.
And then she handed me my paperand she was like that's you,
young lady, and I will neverlike forget that moment.
I was like, wow, it was such avalidating moment, you know.
(09:35):
So, while, like, I was trying toget away, I felt restricted,
and then there was like so manyother things that were
pressuring me and stressing meout during that time.
There were like these pocketsof joy that occur there that I'm
able to look back and was like,ah, okay.
So you know, after everythingis said and done, like some good
(10:02):
came out of all of that.
And I'm also very grateful aswell that I listened to my mom
and I stuck around and I didn'tget that very far during that
time, because I got to spendmore time with my grandmother
and I was able to be there untilshe became a little bit more
stable and we all thought likeshe would come out of all of it
(10:25):
right From that point forwardand she wouldn't relapse because
she overcame the cancer duringthat timeframe.
So we were all so very hopeful.
So all those great things werehappening during that time.
So it's not all bad right, andmaybe things were just meant to
be this way because I got tolearn so much from that.
(10:50):
I got to learn that sometimesthe very thing you're desperate
to escape from whether it'scaregiving or the pressure of
family or being the kid whofeels trapped in their own home
ends up being that soil whereyour roots are planted.
My grandmother loves books.
(11:12):
She used to love books, Ishould say, and I got to spend
more time with her and to thisday, I am so grateful that it
happened that way that in a way,I was able to give back to her
everything that she gave to me,because she was the woman that
taught me how to read and write,you know.
(11:34):
So through her, I am thisauthor that I am now.
I'm this expressive person thatcan express myself through
writing, through podcasting, youknow, and I can read and escape
and just have these joyfulmoments in the pages of books.
Through that I found theencouragement of that professor
(11:56):
in my writing class.
That fueled me and continues tofuel me to this day, you know.
And even my mom saying no toUMass when I look at it, it's
still a blessing, you know.
It all shaped me.
So leaving, but not reallyleaving, staying, it isn't
(12:18):
always physical, it's emotional,and sometimes the lessons don't
show up until years later whenyou realize you carry those
gifts with you all along andthat's the thing, right, that I
take away.
That's why I love talking toy'all and even though it's so
hard to look back at some ofthese moments and just be super,
(12:42):
super vulnerable in this roomin front of this mic, but I'm
able to see, like I said, thosepockets of joy that occurred to
(13:08):
me in the face of darkness.
There was sunshine there, youknow, and through that I was
able to, like, come up forbreath before diving back in
into those muddy waters where Icouldn't even see in front of me
.
And then it was another joyfulmoment.
(13:30):
Teacher told me something oh,I'm breathing now up again and
then I go back down and mygrandma gets sick, go into the
hospital, I stay there and it'sjust that's how life is.
We have these moments that arereally tough, really stressful,
and then we have these otherones that are just delightful,
(13:50):
that are light, that are joy,and you're able to see that once
, you kind of recollect and goback in time and are able to be
introspective about it.
But something else besides timeand how hindsight is 20-20, that
I learned during that time isthat I feel that I was too
(14:16):
immature for college at thattime.
I'm just going to be brutallyhonest and I'm kind of happy
that I didn't go to UMassAmherst, because I feel like the
debt that I would have gottenmyself into would have been way
bigger than the debt that Iincurred at the community
college.
I came out with a lot of debtfrom that Read the Ordinary
(14:37):
Bruja because the reason why Imade Marisol a barista who's a
college dropout is because Ilived it.
This is my story, this is whatI'm telling you, like Marisol,
and I think I gave her that linewhere she's like you know, I
just didn't even finish collegeand I came out like thousands of
(14:59):
dollars poorer and then withthis diploma-shaped hole in my
life and that's how I felt.
That's how I felt when I leftcollege, because I just couldn't
hack it.
No, you got to understand.
I was like a 16-year-old kid.
I turned 17.
(15:19):
I had been held so tight in myhome that I didn't have the life
skills to be autonomous.
I didn't have any of thoseskills how to keep time, how to
keep a schedule, how to beself-sufficient, how to create
my own day where I can getthings done and also, like, have
(15:44):
fun.
And I think that's whereprocrastination began as well
and, like I said, to this dayI'm a recovering procrastinator.
It started there, but I knownow that it's more like this
perfectionistic trauma that Ihad, because I just feel that if
it's not perfect, I don't wantto release things because I fear
(16:08):
rejection and humiliation offof that.
So those are things that I haveto work on.
But also back then I just Ididn't have the skills to
maintain a day schedule and Ifelt as if, if I use my time to
(16:30):
do schoolwork, to do the thingsthat I had to do, I would not
get any fun time, because athome time, because at home there
wasn't no fun time.
All the time that I had wasjust time to do, do, do, do, do
(16:51):
chores, be with my grandma inthe hospital.
I can steal some time away andthen I'll find things to do.
I will go to the library, gohide in the closet with a book
and read a book, and my mom willget really mad because she's
like why are you reading in thisdark room and stuff like that?
You know you're going to ruinyour eyes and things of that
(17:13):
nature.
So I used to get yelled at evenfor reading a book, but that's
another episode.
You see what I'm saying.
But so I learned to steal timeto be able to have a joy, to
escape.
So when I found myself on my ownwith all this time, I didn't
(17:37):
want to give any of it up.
I didn't.
I was like I don't know whenthis will happen again, right.
So all I did was have fun.
I barely got up for morningclasses, I barely put in time
for my schoolwork, for studyingfor the exams.
(18:01):
And then what hurted me a lottoo was that it's not like in
high school or middle school orin elementary, where you have a
teacher that reminds you whenthings are due or that gives you
second chances on a quiz andthings of that nature.
I needed a lot of remindinggrowing up so that way I can
(18:21):
stay on top of my things.
And when all of that went awayand I was left on my own, then I
just kind of flopped way.
And I was left on my own then Ijust kind of flopped Because
also the environment that I camein like my mom didn't teach me
those things and in school it'slike you're prodded, just
prodded through every class,through everything.
(18:41):
So then when you don't havethat person or that system
prodding you any longer, youfind yourself with no prod.
You just like, wah, that gets,like you know you.
Just you flop, you stay therebecause you don't know what else
to do.
So that was my first collegeexperience.
So looking back at it now Iknow that I was very not
(19:05):
prepared.
I was unprepared, I was notmature enough, I didn't have the
life skills that I needed.
I look back at that time,especially when I saw my son
getting ready to embark oncollege as well, and I remember
having this conversation withhim about how he needs to learn,
how to keep his time, and Igave him some tips on how I do
(19:29):
it.
So that way, if he wants toadopt those things for his own
life and then way of being, hecould.
I remember making like theconscious effort to step out,
while giving him the safety netof our home, to try it out, to
try to create his own day, hisown schedule, his own calendar,
(19:54):
and I'm glad I did that, likehe's not the best at it to this
day, and I don't know, I guessthere's something maybe about me
, about us, where it just takesus a while to rev up, to get
that maturity going to wherewe're like, okay, you know, we
are adjusted, we have schedules,we have timing, we have things
(20:16):
to where we can produce certainstuff.
I don't know, maybe it'sgenetic and he gets it from me,
but thankfully now at his agehe's in his early twenties he is
able to do it way better thanhow I did it when I was his age,
way, way better.
So that to me is a win.
Little by little he'sprogressing.
(20:38):
He has some things he needs towork on.
You know we have our chatsabout it, but when I look back
at me and when I look at my sonright now, I'm like, okay, good,
he's not where I was at thatpoint, which makes me feel a
whole lot better.
But yeah, that is what Ilearned that I was not ready, I
(21:00):
was not prepared.
Even though I wanted to beoutside of my home, I was not
ready.
My home, I was not ready.
And how I pivot and change thattrajectory was through my son,
(21:25):
by giving him the things thatwere not given to me, by
inculcating in him a sense ofscheduling and timing, giving
him autonomy, just giving himthe safety net to try and fail.
So that way, when he foundhimself in college, I mean that
freshman year was rough for himyou know we're not going to
sugarcoat that one, but itwasn't as rough as my failed
(21:45):
freshman year, failed freshmanyear.
So it was a good progression.
I learned my lesson.
My son, he had trampoline frommy mistakes.
But if you're listening to meand if you're listening to this
and then you find yourselfeither in the mom aspect of this
(22:06):
or in the young adult aspect ofthis, just know that there are
ways to overcome this.
Take a breath, first of all,just take a deep breath and then
figure out, one, yourconstraints, and two, why they
are there, because there'salways a reason behind our
(22:32):
stress, behind our pressure thatwe're feeling.
There's always a reason there.
So figure out why that is there.
It may be that you're puttingsome things off.
It may be that you have thisfamily member or this friend on
your neck trying to make you dothings that you're not ready to
(22:54):
do.
Whatever it is, figure out whythat is there and then do
something about it.
Do something about it so thatway you can go ahead and step,
because that's all that you needto do, because I feel like when
you have these things in lifethat are pressuring you,
constricting you, they're notallowing you to move forward.
(23:16):
So first you have to identifywhat it is and then you have to
figure out how you can overcomethose things within your own set
of resources, your own set ofcircumstances.
There's always a way.
That's what I found.
Even in my darkest moments, inmy most constricted or
(23:39):
resource-less moments, there wasalways something that I can do.
That's something that I foundout by looking back.
That's something that I foundout by looking back, and at
times it was as simple as justtaking a breath, going to the
closet with a fun book, so thatway I can just like take it all
(24:01):
off of my shoulders, sometimesit was just a walk.
I remember I lived in the dormsthat were up a hill.
That's where they put all thefreshmen.
You know they are in WorcesterState College.
You know, sometimes it was justthat, just like, ah, usa.
Sometimes it was going to aparty with my friends or talking
(24:25):
to my friends, and sometimes itwas that Sometimes it was
writing.
That writing class reallyalways like lifted my spirits up
, or sometimes it's justquitting.
I hate to say it that way, butsometimes that's what it is.
Sometimes there are things thatyou're doing that just don't
(24:45):
serve you anymore, or don'tserve you for that time being.
And for me that's what happenedwhen I realized I was wasting
my money, I was wasting my timein a place where I was not
growing.
I was just stagnant.
I was just like partying forthe sake of partying, but I
(25:07):
wasn't moving forward.
And I'm glad I was matureenough to realize that, even as
a teenager, because I was still17.
And I was like you know what?
I need to pivot, I need to dosomething else.
I saw a recruiter.
I took advantage of theopportunity that he gave me and
(25:28):
I joined the army and that waslike my pivot.
That was the other door thatopened for me.
And then I just like boom, justlike bolted through that door.
So next episode we're going totalk a little bit more about
that door and how I found myselfback again in the higher
(25:51):
education, although in a verydifferent scenario and with a
very different version of me.
Anyways, I hope you all enjoyedthis episode.
If you have any questions of me, don't feel shy, hit me up.
My email is joa J-O-A athaveacupofjoanicom.
(26:14):
I will put that on the shownotes and I will put my social
media ads on the show notes aswell.
So if you want to leave acomment or chat with me through
my social media handles, you can.
But I welcome your comments andyour feedback.
As long as they're not troll-y,I will answer them.
(26:35):
All right, see you on the nextepisode.
Bye.
If today's episode spoke to you, share with somebody who's
finding their way back too, andif you haven't yet, visit
haveacupofjoanniecom for morestories, blog posts and the
books that started it all.
(26:55):
Thank you for being here.
Until next time, be soft, bebold and always have a cup of
joannie.
Oh we could, we could fly.
Welcome back to have a Cup ofJohnny.
This season isn't abouthustling harder.
It's about coming home toyourself, to your voice, to your
breath, to the quiet truth thatyou're still here and you're
not starting over, you'restarting again.
(00:21):
This is your space to reflect,reset and remember who we tell
you.
So pour your cafecito and let'sbegin.
Hello everyone, and welcomeback to have a Cup of Joannie,
(00:42):
just reeling from celebrating mybirthday.
As you may have heard me, or ifyou follow me on social media,
you will see those tags on theshow notes.
By the way, you know that Icelebrate my birthday from
August 1st all the way to August31st.
That is just something that Ido.
(01:03):
I feel birthdays are veryspecial and I like to take that
time to celebrate me because Iknow there will be future days,
future upcoming months where I'mgoing to feel like I'm not
worthy to be celebrated.
So I take advantage of thismonth to do so and I have those
(01:25):
moments that I did to look backand to be held as a reminder
that I am worthy of happiness, Iam worthy of joy, I am worthy
of celebration.
So, just you know.
Food for thought for you.
If you're wondering if it's agood thing for you to do, I
highly recommend it.
Five out of five stars, highlyrecommend.
(01:48):
Celebrate you as much as youcan, all right, okay, september,
though.
Because we're in September, Itook a few days to think about
what the theme will be for thismonth.
Think about what the theme willbe for this month, and
(02:12):
September always comes to mewith smells of pencils, of
classrooms, those creaky chairswhen you sit on them, of dry
erase boards.
You know boards, you know it.
Just it reminds me of education.
So I'm like you know what thismonth?
I want to talk about whathigher education taught me, and
(02:34):
I'm not talking about, like,scholarly lessons.
Maybe some of that may leak inthere, but that's not the focus.
I'm talking about life lessons.
Okay, what that execution ofthat decision to go into higher
education and through all thosemicro phases of my life as I got
(02:59):
an associate, a bachelor's andlater on, a master's what they
taught me.
I want to share that with youthis month of September.
I hope y'all are ready for this.
All right, we're going to startwith this episode, because this
episode I'm going to focus onleaving.
(03:21):
This episode, I'm going totackle that first step out of
the house, right, leaving,staying.
Do I go me?
Voy me quedo?
What do I do and how?
Sometimes those two things canhappen at the exact same time.
That sounds very confusing, butlet's begin.
(03:44):
All right, y'all.
When I was 15, going on 16 and Idid start at college early I
was skipped a grade, so I wentinto that phase of my life a
(04:05):
little earlier than most people.
So when I got to be 16, all Iwanted to do was to leave my
house.
I was very constricted there.
By then.
I was living with my mom.
She was holding on to me tightand I know part of that was just
her protecting me.
But I also know because I haveto be honest right that it was
(04:26):
also about having me there so Ican help with certain
responsibilities in the house.
You know, particularly I wascaring for my grandmother who
had immigrated to the UnitedStates.
She was a woman that raised mewhile I was still in the
Dominican Republic with her,before I was able to get papers
(04:47):
and come to live with my mom.
And after a few years of beingin the States my grandmother got
really sick.
She was battling cancer and Iwas just a kid, you know.
But at that age, yes, I was akid, but I wasn't thinking of
myself as a kid.
(05:08):
I was thinking of myself asbeing like this pre-grownup that
was ready to start my life, toget out of that pod.
It just felt so constricted, somuch pressure there, you know,
like I didn't have room tobreathe and I just felt like I
(05:30):
couldn't do the things that Iwant.
I was going to school, I wasliving in my mom's house and I
couldn't do much there exceptfor do chores and then be at the
hospital so I can stay therewith my grandmother, who needed
someone to translate for her,and also like a personal nurse
(05:53):
of sorts, because the nursesthere didn't know how to speak
Spanish.
We were in Massachusetts, andto ask for a translator just
took more time to get thingsdone.
So at one point during mychildhood I was living in the
hospital and my mom was pickingme up from there to go to school
(06:14):
, and then I'll go back there,you see, so I was really.
I think that was part of thereason why I wanted to get away.
Looking back at that, though,there's some guilt there as well
, because this is my grandmay'all Like.
This is the woman that raisedme, you know, and I feel guilty
when I think back about wantingto leave, you know, because
(06:40):
wanting to leave meant meleaving my grandma behind as
well, you know.
So it's like I'm always soconflicted whenever I think
about that time, because I'mlike I just want it to be me,
but then I didn't want to leavemy grandma behind, but I ended
up leaving her behind anyways togo to college.
(07:01):
Eventually, while I was there,though, she did get out of the
hospital, but after I left, shegot sick, and, as with cancer
right, it's like when it comesback it just comes back worse,
and it came back really bad.
She got a little bit better,and then she ended up just
wanting to go back to theDominican Republic, because, you
know, she was like, if I'mgoing to die, I'd rather die in
(07:23):
my home country.
And then we did as she wished,and eventually I want to say
like close to a year after thatshe ended up dying, and to this
day, it's still something that Ihaven't really fully grasped,
because I don't allow myself tothink too much about that.
This is the most I've talkedabout it, to be honest with you.
(07:45):
But yeah, but before all of thathappened, I was just a kid,
spending a lot of my junior andsenior year in the hospital, not
because I was sick but to helpmy grandmother, to the point
where, once I graduated, I waslike, let's go, let me get out
of here already.
And I did get accepted to UMass, amherst.
But my mom was like no, that'stoo far away.
(08:08):
You know, you need to be closerto the house so that way I can
help out, you know, and be close, in case I needed to go back
home for whatever.
And I was like, ok.
I said OK, but that's the thingwith me, right?
I said okay, but that's thething with me, right.
Even if I say okay and I'm nottruly okay with it, even though
I do it, my heart is not gonnabe in it.
(08:30):
And that's what happened.
I ended up going to the localcommunity college and while I
had fun and there I did meetsome great people, you know, and
some really great thingshappened, like I had my first
boyfriend, I became part of theThird World Society, while I met
(08:51):
other people from marginalizedidentities like me, right, and I
got into a writing class, eventhough that was not my major,
because my mom didn't want me tomajor in writing because she
said that you cannot make anymoney off of writing.
So even that right, my heartwas not into the nursing thing.
But in this writing class, theprofessor, she saw one of my
(09:15):
papers that I had written andshe got in front of class and
she was like there's some of youthat have exceptional talent,
you know.
And then she handed me my paperand she was like there's some
of you that have exceptionaltalent, you know.
And then she handed me my paperand she was like that's you,
young lady, and I will neverlike forget that moment.
I was like, wow, it was such avalidating moment, you know.
(09:35):
So, while, like, I was trying toget away, I felt restricted,
and then there was like so manyother things that were
pressuring me and stressing meout during that time.
There were like these pocketsof joy that occur there that I'm
able to look back and was like,ah, okay.
So you know, after everythingis said and done, like some good
(10:02):
came out of all of that.
And I'm also very grateful aswell that I listened to my mom
and I stuck around and I didn'tget that very far during that
time, because I got to spendmore time with my grandmother
and I was able to be there untilshe became a little bit more
stable and we all thought likeshe would come out of all of it
(10:25):
right From that point forwardand she wouldn't relapse because
she overcame the cancer duringthat timeframe.
So we were all so very hopeful.
So all those great things werehappening during that time.
So it's not all bad right, andmaybe things were just meant to
be this way because I got tolearn so much from that.
(10:50):
I got to learn that sometimesthe very thing you're desperate
to escape from whether it'scaregiving or the pressure of
family or being the kid whofeels trapped in their own home
ends up being that soil whereyour roots are planted.
My grandmother loves books.
(11:12):
She used to love books, Ishould say, and I got to spend
more time with her and to thisday, I am so grateful that it
happened that way that in a way,I was able to give back to her
everything that she gave to me,because she was the woman that
taught me how to read and write,you know.
(11:34):
So through her, I am thisauthor that I am now.
I'm this expressive person thatcan express myself through
writing, through podcasting, youknow, and I can read and escape
and just have these joyfulmoments in the pages of books.
Through that I found theencouragement of that professor
(11:56):
in my writing class.
That fueled me and continues tofuel me to this day, you know.
And even my mom saying no toUMass when I look at it, it's
still a blessing, you know.
It all shaped me.
So leaving, but not reallyleaving, staying, it isn't
(12:18):
always physical, it's emotional,and sometimes the lessons don't
show up until years later whenyou realize you carry those
gifts with you all along andthat's the thing, right, that I
take away.
That's why I love talking toy'all and even though it's so
hard to look back at some ofthese moments and just be super,
(12:42):
super vulnerable in this roomin front of this mic, but I'm
able to see, like I said, thosepockets of joy that occurred to
(13:08):
me in the face of darkness.
There was sunshine there, youknow, and through that I was
able to, like, come up forbreath before diving back in
into those muddy waters where Icouldn't even see in front of me
.
And then it was another joyfulmoment.
(13:30):
Teacher told me something oh,I'm breathing now up again and
then I go back down and mygrandma gets sick, go into the
hospital, I stay there and it'sjust that's how life is.
We have these moments that arereally tough, really stressful,
and then we have these otherones that are just delightful,
(13:50):
that are light, that are joy,and you're able to see that once
, you kind of recollect and goback in time and are able to be
introspective about it.
But something else besides timeand how hindsight is 20-20, that
I learned during that time isthat I feel that I was too
(14:16):
immature for college at thattime.
I'm just going to be brutallyhonest and I'm kind of happy
that I didn't go to UMassAmherst, because I feel like the
debt that I would have gottenmyself into would have been way
bigger than the debt that Iincurred at the community
college.
I came out with a lot of debtfrom that Read the Ordinary
(14:37):
Bruja because the reason why Imade Marisol a barista who's a
college dropout is because Ilived it.
This is my story, this is whatI'm telling you, like Marisol,
and I think I gave her that linewhere she's like you know, I
just didn't even finish collegeand I came out like thousands of
(14:59):
dollars poorer and then withthis diploma-shaped hole in my
life and that's how I felt.
That's how I felt when I leftcollege, because I just couldn't
hack it.
No, you got to understand.
I was like a 16-year-old kid.
I turned 17.
(15:19):
I had been held so tight in myhome that I didn't have the life
skills to be autonomous.
I didn't have any of thoseskills how to keep time, how to
keep a schedule, how to beself-sufficient, how to create
my own day where I can getthings done and also, like, have
(15:44):
fun.
And I think that's whereprocrastination began as well
and, like I said, to this dayI'm a recovering procrastinator.
It started there, but I knownow that it's more like this
perfectionistic trauma that Ihad, because I just feel that if
it's not perfect, I don't wantto release things because I fear
(16:08):
rejection and humiliation offof that.
So those are things that I haveto work on.
But also back then I just Ididn't have the skills to
maintain a day schedule and Ifelt as if, if I use my time to
(16:30):
do schoolwork, to do the thingsthat I had to do, I would not
get any fun time, because athome time, because at home there
wasn't no fun time.
All the time that I had wasjust time to do, do, do, do, do
(16:51):
chores, be with my grandma inthe hospital.
I can steal some time away andthen I'll find things to do.
I will go to the library, gohide in the closet with a book
and read a book, and my mom willget really mad because she's
like why are you reading in thisdark room and stuff like that?
You know you're going to ruinyour eyes and things of that
(17:13):
nature.
So I used to get yelled at evenfor reading a book, but that's
another episode.
You see what I'm saying.
But so I learned to steal timeto be able to have a joy, to
escape.
So when I found myself on my ownwith all this time, I didn't
(17:37):
want to give any of it up.
I didn't.
I was like I don't know whenthis will happen again, right.
So all I did was have fun.
I barely got up for morningclasses, I barely put in time
for my schoolwork, for studyingfor the exams.
(18:01):
And then what hurted me a lottoo was that it's not like in
high school or middle school orin elementary, where you have a
teacher that reminds you whenthings are due or that gives you
second chances on a quiz andthings of that nature.
I needed a lot of remindinggrowing up so that way I can
(18:21):
stay on top of my things.
And when all of that went awayand I was left on my own, then I
just kind of flopped way.
And I was left on my own then Ijust kind of flopped Because
also the environment that I camein like my mom didn't teach me
those things and in school it'slike you're prodded, just
prodded through every class,through everything.
(18:41):
So then when you don't havethat person or that system
prodding you any longer, youfind yourself with no prod.
You just like, wah, that gets,like you know you.
Just you flop, you stay therebecause you don't know what else
to do.
So that was my first collegeexperience.
So looking back at it now Iknow that I was very not
(19:05):
prepared.
I was unprepared, I was notmature enough, I didn't have the
life skills that I needed.
I look back at that time,especially when I saw my son
getting ready to embark oncollege as well, and I remember
having this conversation withhim about how he needs to learn,
how to keep his time, and Igave him some tips on how I do
(19:29):
it.
So that way, if he wants toadopt those things for his own
life and then way of being, hecould.
I remember making like theconscious effort to step out,
while giving him the safety netof our home, to try it out, to
try to create his own day, hisown schedule, his own calendar,
(19:54):
and I'm glad I did that, likehe's not the best at it to this
day, and I don't know, I guessthere's something maybe about me
, about us, where it just takesus a while to rev up, to get
that maturity going to wherewe're like, okay, you know, we
are adjusted, we have schedules,we have timing, we have things
(20:16):
to where we can produce certainstuff.
I don't know, maybe it'sgenetic and he gets it from me,
but thankfully now at his agehe's in his early twenties he is
able to do it way better thanhow I did it when I was his age,
way, way better.
So that to me is a win.
Little by little he'sprogressing.
(20:38):
He has some things he needs towork on.
You know we have our chatsabout it, but when I look back
at me and when I look at my sonright now, I'm like, okay, good,
he's not where I was at thatpoint, which makes me feel a
whole lot better.
But yeah, that is what Ilearned that I was not ready, I
(21:00):
was not prepared.
Even though I wanted to beoutside of my home, I was not
ready.
My home, I was not ready.
And how I pivot and change thattrajectory was through my son,
(21:25):
by giving him the things thatwere not given to me, by
inculcating in him a sense ofscheduling and timing, giving
him autonomy, just giving himthe safety net to try and fail.
So that way, when he foundhimself in college, I mean that
freshman year was rough for himyou know we're not going to
sugarcoat that one, but itwasn't as rough as my failed
(21:45):
freshman year, failed freshmanyear.
So it was a good progression.
I learned my lesson.
My son, he had trampoline frommy mistakes.
But if you're listening to meand if you're listening to this
and then you find yourselfeither in the mom aspect of this
(22:06):
or in the young adult aspect ofthis, just know that there are
ways to overcome this.
Take a breath, first of all,just take a deep breath and then
figure out, one, yourconstraints, and two, why they
are there, because there'salways a reason behind our
(22:32):
stress, behind our pressure thatwe're feeling.
There's always a reason there.
So figure out why that is there.
It may be that you're puttingsome things off.
It may be that you have thisfamily member or this friend on
your neck trying to make you dothings that you're not ready to
(22:54):
do.
Whatever it is, figure out whythat is there and then do
something about it.
Do something about it so thatway you can go ahead and step,
because that's all that you needto do, because I feel like when
you have these things in lifethat are pressuring you,
constricting you, they're notallowing you to move forward.
(23:16):
So first you have to identifywhat it is and then you have to
figure out how you can overcomethose things within your own set
of resources, your own set ofcircumstances.
There's always a way.
That's what I found.
Even in my darkest moments, inmy most constricted or
(23:39):
resource-less moments, there wasalways something that I can do.
That's something that I foundout by looking back.
That's something that I foundout by looking back, and at
times it was as simple as justtaking a breath, going to the
closet with a fun book, so thatway I can just like take it all
(24:01):
off of my shoulders, sometimesit was just a walk.
I remember I lived in the dormsthat were up a hill.
That's where they put all thefreshmen.
You know they are in WorcesterState College.
You know, sometimes it was justthat, just like, ah, usa.
Sometimes it was going to aparty with my friends or talking
(24:25):
to my friends, and sometimes itwas that Sometimes it was
writing.
That writing class reallyalways like lifted my spirits up
, or sometimes it's justquitting.
I hate to say it that way, butsometimes that's what it is.
Sometimes there are things thatyou're doing that just don't
(24:45):
serve you anymore, or don'tserve you for that time being.
And for me that's what happenedwhen I realized I was wasting
my money, I was wasting my timein a place where I was not
growing.
I was just stagnant.
I was just like partying forthe sake of partying, but I
(25:07):
wasn't moving forward.
And I'm glad I was matureenough to realize that, even as
a teenager, because I was still17.
And I was like you know what?
I need to pivot, I need to dosomething else.
I saw a recruiter.
I took advantage of theopportunity that he gave me and
(25:28):
I joined the army and that waslike my pivot.
That was the other door thatopened for me.
And then I just like boom, justlike bolted through that door.
So next episode we're going totalk a little bit more about
that door and how I found myselfback again in the higher
(25:51):
education, although in a verydifferent scenario and with a
very different version of me.
Anyways, I hope you all enjoyedthis episode.
If you have any questions of me, don't feel shy, hit me up.
My email is joa J-O-A athaveacupofjoanicom.
(26:14):
I will put that on the shownotes and I will put my social
media ads on the show notes aswell.
So if you want to leave acomment or chat with me through
my social media handles, you can.
But I welcome your comments andyour feedback.
As long as they're not troll-y,I will answer them.
(26:35):
All right, see you on the nextepisode.
Bye.
If today's episode spoke to you, share with somebody who's
finding their way back too, andif you haven't yet, visit
haveacupofjoanniecom for morestories, blog posts and the
books that started it all.
(26:55):
Thank you for being here.
Until next time, be soft, bebold and always have a cup of
joannie.
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