October 31, 2025 • 33 mins
Do small disagreements spiral faster than you expect—leaving you wondering how things got so intense so quickly? You’re not broken; your nervous system is trying to protect you.
In this episode, I explore the hidden dynamics that turn conversations into clashes—how emotional arousal, threat perception, and learned patterns hijack connection—and gentle ways to shift from reacting to truly understanding.
I’ll also guide you through a calming meditation to help your body feel safe, your mind clear, and your heart open—so you can communicate with more steadiness and care.
✨ One breath. One step. One breakthrough at a time.
With love,
Dr. Evette Rose
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker (00:06):
Welcome to Heal Within.
Here with me, Dr.
Evette Rose, trauma therapist,and also creator of the
Metaphysical Anatomy Technique.
Now, this podcast is your safespace to explore emotional
healing, nervous system repair,and also deep inner
transformation.
And if you are ready to godeeper and you would like to be
(00:29):
supported in your journey, thenyou can always book a one-on-one
session with me or with any ofmy certified metapsychology
coaching practitioners.
You can also join any of ourupcoming live healing events,
workshops, or retreats atmetaphysicalanatomy.com.
And now let's begin yourjourney back to wholeness, one
(00:53):
breath and one breakthrough at atime.
And in today's episode, we'regoing to dive right into
arguments.
Arguments, this can be a veryintense and emotionally charged,
and often even an experiencethat can really leave us
(01:14):
wondering how did it escalate sofast?
You see, it's like when we lookat a couple that's arguing
maybe with emotions, and theseemotions, it's spiraling out of
control.
It's quite a familiar scene formany of us.
I mean, we people argue everyday.
(01:34):
But why does this happen?
And how can we stop it?
Because the answer lies inunderstanding the psychology of
conflict, as well as not justconflict in itself, but the
emotional arousal that comesalong with that conflict.
(01:56):
And then the role of thenervous system and how it
perceives threats.
So, first let's dive right intowhy do arguments escalate so
fast.
You see, right off the bat,emotions amplify perception.
(02:17):
And one key reason argumentscan escalate is that heightened
emotions can really make thingsfeel more real, deeper, and
actually quite urgent.
So when we are angry, when weare maybe let's say frustrated,
maybe we're hurt, or ouremotional states are all acting
(02:42):
as a signal to our brain thatsomething really important or
something threatening isactually happening now.
And this is actually deeplyrooted in our evolutionary
programming.
So let's dive right into thatprogramming.
First of all, the survivalmechanisms are activated.
(03:07):
These high emotional arousaltriggers, the fight and the
flight response every singletime.
Now, this is of course evolved,it's it's there to help to
protect us from maybe immediatedangers, but in modern life,
though now our brains actuallyoften must interpret this
(03:29):
emotional stress as a physicalthreat.
And then on top of that, wehave the emotional validation.
This is when emotions arestrong, they amplify our
perceptions.
And if we feel hurt, forinstance, our brain interprets
(03:51):
the situation almost like a likea direct attack, reinforcing
the idea that the threat isactually real.
And along with that, ouremotional responses, it also
works and runs linear with ournervous system.
And this plays actually quite ait plays a really important
(04:15):
role in how we perceive andrespond to conflict.
So let's look at that, thathyper arousal and also the
threat, especially the threatperception.
So when our nervous system isin like a like a heightened
state, it's normally maybebecause of unresolved trauma.
(04:36):
Maybe there's chronic stress,that low-level stress in the
background that just doesn'twant to go away.
It becomes hyper-vigilant.
Nervous system gets frazzled.
And this means that we are muchmore likely to see neutral and
even ambiguous situations asthreatening.
(04:58):
And now trauma states also playa really big role.
So for people, for example,with a past where there's a lot
of unresolved trauma, theirnervous system can actually stay
in this persistent state ofthreat mode, that fight and
flight.
And this can start to lead to afeeling or a conscious or
(05:21):
subconscious desire toovercorrect situations that
normally otherwise mightactually feel quite muchable,
turning small disagreements intofull-blown arguments.
Now, this also comes from thatnervous system that's already
frazzled.
I don't know if you if you havelistened to my podcast episode
(05:44):
about, I think it was whenspilled coffee feels like the
end of the world.
That's a really good podcast tolisten to if you're finding
yourself also really justfrazzled all the time and where
little things just feel likeit's it's big explosions.
Now let's see and dive deeperalso into how the nervous system
influences this conflict.
(06:06):
Because we know that the fightor flight response is deeply
connected and involved here.
So when we have arguments thatescalate, it's normally because
the brain perceives thesituation as a threat, even if
it isn't.
And this activates our fight orflight response.
We're going to have anincreased heart rate because
(06:28):
your body is preparing itselffor maybe a fight, or you know,
it's it's ready for thatperceived threat, even though
there's no real perceived threataround you, but the body feels
it.
Then we have, I don't know ifyou can relate, but tunnel
vision, right?
You focus only on the immediateproblem, ignoring sometimes
(06:49):
actually the broader context, ormaybe possible solutions that
could be right there, but wecan't see it because we're so
focused on the perceived threat.
Then we have that emotionalhijacking.
So our prefrontal cortex, whichis also responsible, you know,
the prefrontal is right here atthe front, responsible for um
(07:12):
rational thinking, this takesthe back seat while the
amygdala, our brain spherecenter, is now taking full
control.
And when we look at thesescenarios where we are in the
state of hyper-arousal, I'm surethat you've noticed that
miscommunication,misinterpretation is sky high.
(07:35):
Like just a partner's tone orfacial expression can be
actually misread as aggressiveor dismissive and overreacting
as well.
Small issues become magnifiedbecause your nervous system is
actually primed to respond tothreats, and then those
(07:57):
symptoms.
And here I'm talking about thephysical symptoms.
You might experience maybeshaking, there's tension, um, it
might even feel like there's aphysical attack that's about to
take place, and this can cause aperson.
Like we feel like we're almostdisengaging from the conflict,
(08:19):
like dissociating.
So, and and that creates moreconfusion.
That's why a lot of people arenot able, it's almost like you
feel like you lose your trail ofthought.
Have you ever walked away froman argument?
And then you a few minuteslater you sit there and you
think, I should have said this,I should have said that, right?
So that clarity wasn't 100%there because of this hijacking,
(08:44):
because of the states ofdistress, and just focusing on
what was in front of us.
Now it begs the question how dowe stop arguing?
Because first and foremost,understanding the psychology and
the physiology of conflict isactually the first step.
(09:04):
And let's look at somepractical ways, because it's
important to recognize the roleof our emotions, because if we
can have that moment of justself-control and pause before
reacting, like taking that deepbreath or counting to 10, this
(09:25):
actually helps your prefrontalcortex to regain control and it
reduces the influence of theamygdala and acknowledging also
your emotions, saying toyourself that you know what, I
feel angry right now, but I'malso going to choose how I
respond.
(09:46):
And then naming the emotionalactually helps to reduce its
intensity.
I always thought this was a itwas a silly thing to do when
someone once said that to meuntil I actually started to do
that, and it really does work,it really helps to soften the
impact of that negative emotionand regulating our nervous
(10:07):
system.
This is something that is nowreally becoming a thing for me.
I love it because I'm reallyseeing and feeling the benefits
of that.
And for me, the best way,personally for me, is breath
work and a simple technique suchas just inhaling in your mouth
and out your nose 13 times.
Hold your breath on the 13thcount as long as you feel
(10:30):
comfortable, and then exhalingout the noise.
This for me is a powerful,instant reset, very, very
powerful.
And one thing that I learnedalong the way as well that
really helped me is to reframethe threat.
(10:50):
So this is where we shiftperspective, and we can remind
ourselves that your partner ismaybe not necessarily the enemy,
and that the goal is to solvethe problem together, not to win
the argument.
You see how just the intentionwhen you are in an argument,
what are you trying to achievewith this?
Is it to prove the personwrong?
(11:12):
Is it to win?
Is it to prove yourself worth?
What is your intention with theargument?
That can already help you toreally grab it by the horns and
steer it in the right directionby reframing it and
understanding the intentionthat's driving the argument in
(11:35):
the first place.
Meaning, what do you want tohave happen after this?
Is it realistic?
Is it really going to happenthat way?
Because we don't sometimesrealize that when we're
fighting, when we're arguing, wedon't always take into account
that what we're fighting for isnot really deep down what is
(11:57):
really truly happening.
And sometimes that misdirectedfrustration, that misdirected
anger can come out in argumentsand often sometimes verbally
volatile ways.
So this is where empathy isreally important, and that is
trying to understand, you know,having that self-compassion,
(12:19):
understanding, or at leasttrying to understand yourself
and then trying to understandalso the other person's feelings
and their point of view,because this reduces the
perception of threat, and it canactually build a connection
because when we argue, we panicand there's a disconnect.
(12:41):
But we're fighting for thatconnection from a place of
panic, especially when theargument escalates unexpectedly.
So here it's important to comeback to that calmness in the
best capacity that you can inthat moment, and then reconnect
(13:06):
when everything has calmed down.
And we already touched on this,and that is to gently address
underlying possible issues.
Now, that can look like such asmaybe resolving trauma, past
trauma that's keeping yournervous system in threat mode.
(13:27):
Maybe consider you know,therapy or speaking to a mentor
or someone that can help you todecode and understand why you
feel the way that you do.
Because that awareness is goingto actually help you to handle
conflict and arguments in thefuture in a more constructive
way.
Because when we have awarenessas to why we feel the way that
(13:49):
we do, now we can really startto apply real-time proper
solutions that is in alignmentwith the challenge that you're
having.
How many times do we apply thewrong solution to the problem
because we don't understand theproblem well enough in the first
place to actually apply thecorrect solution?
And then we want to buildemotional safety, creating that
(14:16):
environment where both partiescan really feel heard and
respected, because this is goingto reduce the likelihood of
defensive reactions.
So having said all of that, Ido want to just I feel like I
want to circle a little bitback.
I want to come back to lookingat the broader impact of that
(14:39):
threat mode.
Because this is normally theculprit as to our reactiveness.
Because remember, when you'rewhen our nervous system is stuck
in that heightened state ofarousal, that's when arguments
can also escalate.
So that chronic stress, lookingat what chronic stress do I
(15:02):
have in my life that could causeme to feel maybe hyper
hyper-aroused and maybe a littlebit more sensitive to what is
happening around me.
So maybe if you have a lot ofheadaches, if you struggle with
digestive problems, maybefatigue challenges, this can be
clear signs that just maybethere is a heightened set of
(15:25):
distress in the body that's notbeing addressed, right?
That's really important.
Your body's giving you a lot ofsigns, it's giving you a lot of
symptoms.
It's just a matter of learningand understanding how we can
start to decode that because itplaces a lot of strain on
relationships, that freakingargument, it erodes trust, it
(15:49):
destroys intimacy, and it makesit so much harder to maintain
healthy connections.
And then on top of that, thisemotional dysregulation that we
struggle with, because Iacknowledge sometimes we might
feel, well, I'm trying toregulate myself, and now I have
to regulate someone else.
(16:10):
Right?
So it really just depends whereon the scale of being upset,
are you, on which scale are yourpartner?
It kind of really depends onthat, how much capacity we have
in that moment to perhaps steerthe situation a bit more, or at
least steer the situation forourselves in a little bit more,
a healthier direction.
(16:31):
Because when you have so muchstress in your life and you're
just on that autopilot and it'sgo, go, go, it's going to start
to feel much harder to manageemotions because this the stress
it creates this um, it's like avicious cycle, and conflict can
(16:53):
very quickly and easily becomepart of that cycle.
Now, beautiful ways that we canstart to disrupt these cycles
is to at least create and builda safe understanding about how
your past experiences isinfluencing your reactions.
(17:13):
Did your parents fight a lot?
Was arguing maybe a way ofnormal communication?
A lot of people don't realizethat they use arguments as a way
to feel seen, to feel heard, tofeel acknowledged, because they
didn't grow up in a healthyenvironment where it was shown
(17:35):
to them that who you are mattersand who you are is worthy of
being seen without needing tocreate arguments, without
needing to provoke.
And so it's really important isthis learned behavior?
Is this something that youlearned in a previous
relationship?
What is the hidden languagebehind these arguments?
(18:00):
Because this is how we're goingto start to be able to take
control of self-regulation, andit's through that emotional
awareness that is the ultimateholy grail for really truly
nipping arguments in the butt.
It's emotional awareness, andthen, of course, also to hold
(18:24):
that space and create that spacefor safe communication.
Because I notice when I look atclients, like I said earlier, I
see it so many times wherearguments are not actually used
to iron out differences, it'sused as a form, um, like some
(18:45):
type of language.
I even had a client the otherday whose where arguments it was
their language for love.
Because when they were a child,when I needed love, when I
needed attention, when I neededaffection, their parents would
argue with them.
Not now, I don't have time now.
And so they had to learn when Ineed love, I have to fight for
(19:08):
it, I have to provoke for it.
And so that pattern carriedover into their lives as adults
where they nearly destroyedrelationships because of that
pattern, because the otherpartner was like, I don't want
to fight all the time, and theother partner's like constantly
provoking.
So we really had to learn, Ihad to help teach this person
(19:31):
how to change their language forlove.
But I'm not saying thatarguments and all arguments is
now going to be the basis ofthis.
However, this is a verypowerful example to give you an
idea of one of many scenarios ofwhat that could look like.
All right, very good.
So now, having said all ofthat, I would love to start a
(19:56):
healing meditation with you.
And so when you are ready, ifyou're walking or driving, maybe
it's a good time now to pressthat pause button.
And if you are at home, you cannow sit comfortably or you can
lie down.
And let's start by taking anice deep breath.
(20:18):
Very good.
One more, beautiful, and whenyou are ready, you can just also
close your eyes if you feelcomfortable, and I invite you
(20:49):
now to just simply start byfocusing on your breath, just
noticing as you're inhaling andexhaling, notice how your body
(21:15):
is moving with you.
And notice now just notice andfeel that surface beneath your
(21:39):
body holding you, supportingyou, and imagining now as well
(22:01):
roots growing down your facedeep into the earth, anchoring
you, really truly anchoring youinto safety and stability.
(22:26):
I invite you now to noticewhere tension sits in your body.
(22:47):
Perhaps it's maybe in your jaw,it could be in your heart
center, in your chest.
You might feel it in yourstomach.
(23:12):
I invite you now to place yourhand over that area and breathe
deeply into it.
(23:32):
Wherever you feel most drawn toplace your hand, and with every
exhale, imagine releasing theneed to defend, prove, or win.
(24:07):
You can even imagine abeautiful healing waterfall
flowing from your head down yourbody, out your face, and notice
(24:33):
as you are finding yourselfthere in that healing space,
feeling all that residues ofarguments gently just dissolving
and being washed away by thatwaterfall, and notice with every
(25:05):
inhale, inviting calmness,openness, and compassion.
And if you wish, you can repeatsilently to yourself, I am
(25:31):
safe, I can listen, I canunderstand.
And now in our next step, Iinvite you to picture yourself,
(26:01):
maybe in a recent or maybe thisongoing arguments or quarrels,
seeing the person you werearguing with standing in front
of you.
Now, instead, imagine placingyour hand gently on your heart
(26:36):
and visualize a soft goldenlight expanding from your heart
to theirs, forming a bridge ofcompassion, because in some way,
(27:02):
somehow, there's a possibilityof perhaps misdirected anger,
misdirected frustration, andperhaps prior pain and stress
that is brought into thatdynamic and arguments, and
(27:37):
imagine a beautiful whitehealing light flowing over both
of you, bringing calmness andpeace, bringing awareness,
insight, and understanding.
And if you want, you can affirmthese affirmations if you wish,
(28:08):
such as, I see your pain, evenif I don't agree with your
words.
I choose understanding overconflict.
I release the need to be right,allowing that healing white
(28:46):
light to gently dissolve thetension between you, and notice
this space of mutual respect andcalmness coming in, allowing
(29:17):
that healing light to continueto flow over you from your head
down out your feet.
And as you are under thathealing waterfall, let's also
affirm a few healingaffirmations.
I release the need to always beright, and I choose harmony
(29:42):
within my heart instead.
I allow myself to listen withcuriosity.
Understanding creates bridgesand it breaks down walls.
(30:06):
I allow myself to pause beforeI respond.
My voice is calm and steady andcompassionate.
(30:30):
I see the human being behindthe words.
I value connection more thanwinning an argument.
(30:51):
Each breath brings me closer topeace.
I create safety for myself andothers in conversations.
(31:16):
I trust that calm communicationcan heal wounds.
I allow love to guide myresponses.
(31:40):
I can speak with kindness evenwhen I disagree.
My heart leads me tounderstanding and respect.
Every moment I have the powerto choose peace.
(32:10):
Very good.
And I invite you now taking anice deep breath.
Very good.
And just slowly and gentlybringing your focus and your
(32:34):
awareness back into your body,feeling the surface beneath your
body, wiggling your fingers andyour toes.
And as you're opening youreyes, carrying this sense of
(33:02):
calm and understanding with you.
And remember that you're notalone, you are healing one step
at a time and one breath at atime.
And the affirmation for todayis every moment I have the power
(33:23):
to choose peace.
And remember, if this episodetouched you, then please share
it with someone on their healingjourney as well.
And as always, breathe deep,listen within, and stay gently
curious.
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for your love andyour time.
(33:44):
I love you all.
And until next time, be thelight that you are.
Bye everyone.
Welcome to Heal Within.
Here with me, Dr.
Evette Rose, trauma therapist,and also creator of the
Metaphysical Anatomy Technique.
Now, this podcast is your safespace to explore emotional
healing, nervous system repair,and also deep inner
transformation.
And if you are ready to godeeper and you would like to be
(00:29):
supported in your journey, thenyou can always book a one-on-one
session with me or with any ofmy certified metapsychology
coaching practitioners.
You can also join any of ourupcoming live healing events,
workshops, or retreats atmetaphysicalanatomy.com.
And now let's begin yourjourney back to wholeness, one
(00:53):
breath and one breakthrough at atime.
And in today's episode, we'regoing to dive right into
arguments.
Arguments, this can be a veryintense and emotionally charged,
and often even an experiencethat can really leave us
(01:14):
wondering how did it escalate sofast?
You see, it's like when we lookat a couple that's arguing
maybe with emotions, and theseemotions, it's spiraling out of
control.
It's quite a familiar scene formany of us.
I mean, we people argue everyday.
(01:34):
But why does this happen?
And how can we stop it?
Because the answer lies inunderstanding the psychology of
conflict, as well as not justconflict in itself, but the
emotional arousal that comesalong with that conflict.
(01:56):
And then the role of thenervous system and how it
perceives threats.
So, first let's dive right intowhy do arguments escalate so
fast.
You see, right off the bat,emotions amplify perception.
(02:17):
And one key reason argumentscan escalate is that heightened
emotions can really make thingsfeel more real, deeper, and
actually quite urgent.
So when we are angry, when weare maybe let's say frustrated,
maybe we're hurt, or ouremotional states are all acting
(02:42):
as a signal to our brain thatsomething really important or
something threatening isactually happening now.
And this is actually deeplyrooted in our evolutionary
programming.
So let's dive right into thatprogramming.
First of all, the survivalmechanisms are activated.
(03:07):
These high emotional arousaltriggers, the fight and the
flight response every singletime.
Now, this is of course evolved,it's it's there to help to
protect us from maybe immediatedangers, but in modern life,
though now our brains actuallyoften must interpret this
(03:29):
emotional stress as a physicalthreat.
And then on top of that, wehave the emotional validation.
This is when emotions arestrong, they amplify our
perceptions.
And if we feel hurt, forinstance, our brain interprets
(03:51):
the situation almost like a likea direct attack, reinforcing
the idea that the threat isactually real.
And along with that, ouremotional responses, it also
works and runs linear with ournervous system.
And this plays actually quite ait plays a really important
(04:15):
role in how we perceive andrespond to conflict.
So let's look at that, thathyper arousal and also the
threat, especially the threatperception.
So when our nervous system isin like a like a heightened
state, it's normally maybebecause of unresolved trauma.
(04:36):
Maybe there's chronic stress,that low-level stress in the
background that just doesn'twant to go away.
It becomes hyper-vigilant.
Nervous system gets frazzled.
And this means that we are muchmore likely to see neutral and
even ambiguous situations asthreatening.
(04:58):
And now trauma states also playa really big role.
So for people, for example,with a past where there's a lot
of unresolved trauma, theirnervous system can actually stay
in this persistent state ofthreat mode, that fight and
flight.
And this can start to lead to afeeling or a conscious or
(05:21):
subconscious desire toovercorrect situations that
normally otherwise mightactually feel quite muchable,
turning small disagreements intofull-blown arguments.
Now, this also comes from thatnervous system that's already
frazzled.
I don't know if you if you havelistened to my podcast episode
(05:44):
about, I think it was whenspilled coffee feels like the
end of the world.
That's a really good podcast tolisten to if you're finding
yourself also really justfrazzled all the time and where
little things just feel likeit's it's big explosions.
Now let's see and dive deeperalso into how the nervous system
influences this conflict.
(06:06):
Because we know that the fightor flight response is deeply
connected and involved here.
So when we have arguments thatescalate, it's normally because
the brain perceives thesituation as a threat, even if
it isn't.
And this activates our fight orflight response.
We're going to have anincreased heart rate because
(06:28):
your body is preparing itselffor maybe a fight, or you know,
it's it's ready for thatperceived threat, even though
there's no real perceived threataround you, but the body feels
it.
Then we have, I don't know ifyou can relate, but tunnel
vision, right?
You focus only on the immediateproblem, ignoring sometimes
(06:49):
actually the broader context, ormaybe possible solutions that
could be right there, but wecan't see it because we're so
focused on the perceived threat.
Then we have that emotionalhijacking.
So our prefrontal cortex, whichis also responsible, you know,
the prefrontal is right here atthe front, responsible for um
(07:12):
rational thinking, this takesthe back seat while the
amygdala, our brain spherecenter, is now taking full
control.
And when we look at thesescenarios where we are in the
state of hyper-arousal, I'm surethat you've noticed that
miscommunication,misinterpretation is sky high.
(07:35):
Like just a partner's tone orfacial expression can be
actually misread as aggressiveor dismissive and overreacting
as well.
Small issues become magnifiedbecause your nervous system is
actually primed to respond tothreats, and then those
(07:57):
symptoms.
And here I'm talking about thephysical symptoms.
You might experience maybeshaking, there's tension, um, it
might even feel like there's aphysical attack that's about to
take place, and this can cause aperson.
Like we feel like we're almostdisengaging from the conflict,
(08:19):
like dissociating.
So, and and that creates moreconfusion.
That's why a lot of people arenot able, it's almost like you
feel like you lose your trail ofthought.
Have you ever walked away froman argument?
And then you a few minuteslater you sit there and you
think, I should have said this,I should have said that, right?
So that clarity wasn't 100%there because of this hijacking,
(08:44):
because of the states ofdistress, and just focusing on
what was in front of us.
Now it begs the question how dowe stop arguing?
Because first and foremost,understanding the psychology and
the physiology of conflict isactually the first step.
(09:04):
And let's look at somepractical ways, because it's
important to recognize the roleof our emotions, because if we
can have that moment of justself-control and pause before
reacting, like taking that deepbreath or counting to 10, this
(09:25):
actually helps your prefrontalcortex to regain control and it
reduces the influence of theamygdala and acknowledging also
your emotions, saying toyourself that you know what, I
feel angry right now, but I'malso going to choose how I
respond.
(09:46):
And then naming the emotionalactually helps to reduce its
intensity.
I always thought this was a itwas a silly thing to do when
someone once said that to meuntil I actually started to do
that, and it really does work,it really helps to soften the
impact of that negative emotionand regulating our nervous
(10:07):
system.
This is something that is nowreally becoming a thing for me.
I love it because I'm reallyseeing and feeling the benefits
of that.
And for me, the best way,personally for me, is breath
work and a simple technique suchas just inhaling in your mouth
and out your nose 13 times.
Hold your breath on the 13thcount as long as you feel
(10:30):
comfortable, and then exhalingout the noise.
This for me is a powerful,instant reset, very, very
powerful.
And one thing that I learnedalong the way as well that
really helped me is to reframethe threat.
(10:50):
So this is where we shiftperspective, and we can remind
ourselves that your partner ismaybe not necessarily the enemy,
and that the goal is to solvethe problem together, not to win
the argument.
You see how just the intentionwhen you are in an argument,
what are you trying to achievewith this?
Is it to prove the personwrong?
(11:12):
Is it to win?
Is it to prove yourself worth?
What is your intention with theargument?
That can already help you toreally grab it by the horns and
steer it in the right directionby reframing it and
understanding the intentionthat's driving the argument in
(11:35):
the first place.
Meaning, what do you want tohave happen after this?
Is it realistic?
Is it really going to happenthat way?
Because we don't sometimesrealize that when we're
fighting, when we're arguing, wedon't always take into account
that what we're fighting for isnot really deep down what is
(11:57):
really truly happening.
And sometimes that misdirectedfrustration, that misdirected
anger can come out in argumentsand often sometimes verbally
volatile ways.
So this is where empathy isreally important, and that is
trying to understand, you know,having that self-compassion,
(12:19):
understanding, or at leasttrying to understand yourself
and then trying to understandalso the other person's feelings
and their point of view,because this reduces the
perception of threat, and it canactually build a connection
because when we argue, we panicand there's a disconnect.
(12:41):
But we're fighting for thatconnection from a place of
panic, especially when theargument escalates unexpectedly.
So here it's important to comeback to that calmness in the
best capacity that you can inthat moment, and then reconnect
(13:06):
when everything has calmed down.
And we already touched on this,and that is to gently address
underlying possible issues.
Now, that can look like such asmaybe resolving trauma, past
trauma that's keeping yournervous system in threat mode.
(13:27):
Maybe consider you know,therapy or speaking to a mentor
or someone that can help you todecode and understand why you
feel the way that you do.
Because that awareness is goingto actually help you to handle
conflict and arguments in thefuture in a more constructive
way.
Because when we have awarenessas to why we feel the way that
(13:49):
we do, now we can really startto apply real-time proper
solutions that is in alignmentwith the challenge that you're
having.
How many times do we apply thewrong solution to the problem
because we don't understand theproblem well enough in the first
place to actually apply thecorrect solution?
And then we want to buildemotional safety, creating that
(14:16):
environment where both partiescan really feel heard and
respected, because this is goingto reduce the likelihood of
defensive reactions.
So having said all of that, Ido want to just I feel like I
want to circle a little bitback.
I want to come back to lookingat the broader impact of that
(14:39):
threat mode.
Because this is normally theculprit as to our reactiveness.
Because remember, when you'rewhen our nervous system is stuck
in that heightened state ofarousal, that's when arguments
can also escalate.
So that chronic stress, lookingat what chronic stress do I
(15:02):
have in my life that could causeme to feel maybe hyper
hyper-aroused and maybe a littlebit more sensitive to what is
happening around me.
So maybe if you have a lot ofheadaches, if you struggle with
digestive problems, maybefatigue challenges, this can be
clear signs that just maybethere is a heightened set of
(15:25):
distress in the body that's notbeing addressed, right?
That's really important.
Your body's giving you a lot ofsigns, it's giving you a lot of
symptoms.
It's just a matter of learningand understanding how we can
start to decode that because itplaces a lot of strain on
relationships, that freakingargument, it erodes trust, it
(15:49):
destroys intimacy, and it makesit so much harder to maintain
healthy connections.
And then on top of that, thisemotional dysregulation that we
struggle with, because Iacknowledge sometimes we might
feel, well, I'm trying toregulate myself, and now I have
to regulate someone else.
(16:10):
Right?
So it really just depends whereon the scale of being upset,
are you, on which scale are yourpartner?
It kind of really depends onthat, how much capacity we have
in that moment to perhaps steerthe situation a bit more, or at
least steer the situation forourselves in a little bit more,
a healthier direction.
(16:31):
Because when you have so muchstress in your life and you're
just on that autopilot and it'sgo, go, go, it's going to start
to feel much harder to manageemotions because this the stress
it creates this um, it's like avicious cycle, and conflict can
(16:53):
very quickly and easily becomepart of that cycle.
Now, beautiful ways that we canstart to disrupt these cycles
is to at least create and builda safe understanding about how
your past experiences isinfluencing your reactions.
(17:13):
Did your parents fight a lot?
Was arguing maybe a way ofnormal communication?
A lot of people don't realizethat they use arguments as a way
to feel seen, to feel heard, tofeel acknowledged, because they
didn't grow up in a healthyenvironment where it was shown
(17:35):
to them that who you are mattersand who you are is worthy of
being seen without needing tocreate arguments, without
needing to provoke.
And so it's really important isthis learned behavior?
Is this something that youlearned in a previous
relationship?
What is the hidden languagebehind these arguments?
(18:00):
Because this is how we're goingto start to be able to take
control of self-regulation, andit's through that emotional
awareness that is the ultimateholy grail for really truly
nipping arguments in the butt.
It's emotional awareness, andthen, of course, also to hold
(18:24):
that space and create that spacefor safe communication.
Because I notice when I look atclients, like I said earlier, I
see it so many times wherearguments are not actually used
to iron out differences, it'sused as a form, um, like some
(18:45):
type of language.
I even had a client the otherday whose where arguments it was
their language for love.
Because when they were a child,when I needed love, when I
needed attention, when I neededaffection, their parents would
argue with them.
Not now, I don't have time now.
And so they had to learn when Ineed love, I have to fight for
(19:08):
it, I have to provoke for it.
And so that pattern carriedover into their lives as adults
where they nearly destroyedrelationships because of that
pattern, because the otherpartner was like, I don't want
to fight all the time, and theother partner's like constantly
provoking.
So we really had to learn, Ihad to help teach this person
(19:31):
how to change their language forlove.
But I'm not saying thatarguments and all arguments is
now going to be the basis ofthis.
However, this is a verypowerful example to give you an
idea of one of many scenarios ofwhat that could look like.
All right, very good.
So now, having said all ofthat, I would love to start a
(19:56):
healing meditation with you.
And so when you are ready, ifyou're walking or driving, maybe
it's a good time now to pressthat pause button.
And if you are at home, you cannow sit comfortably or you can
lie down.
And let's start by taking anice deep breath.
(20:18):
Very good.
One more, beautiful, and whenyou are ready, you can just also
close your eyes if you feelcomfortable, and I invite you
(20:49):
now to just simply start byfocusing on your breath, just
noticing as you're inhaling andexhaling, notice how your body
(21:15):
is moving with you.
And notice now just notice andfeel that surface beneath your
(21:39):
body holding you, supportingyou, and imagining now as well
(22:01):
roots growing down your facedeep into the earth, anchoring
you, really truly anchoring youinto safety and stability.
(22:26):
I invite you now to noticewhere tension sits in your body.
(22:47):
Perhaps it's maybe in your jaw,it could be in your heart
center, in your chest.
You might feel it in yourstomach.
(23:12):
I invite you now to place yourhand over that area and breathe
deeply into it.
(23:32):
Wherever you feel most drawn toplace your hand, and with every
exhale, imagine releasing theneed to defend, prove, or win.
(24:07):
You can even imagine abeautiful healing waterfall
flowing from your head down yourbody, out your face, and notice
(24:33):
as you are finding yourselfthere in that healing space,
feeling all that residues ofarguments gently just dissolving
and being washed away by thatwaterfall, and notice with every
(25:05):
inhale, inviting calmness,openness, and compassion.
And if you wish, you can repeatsilently to yourself, I am
(25:31):
safe, I can listen, I canunderstand.
And now in our next step, Iinvite you to picture yourself,
(26:01):
maybe in a recent or maybe thisongoing arguments or quarrels,
seeing the person you werearguing with standing in front
of you.
Now, instead, imagine placingyour hand gently on your heart
(26:36):
and visualize a soft goldenlight expanding from your heart
to theirs, forming a bridge ofcompassion, because in some way,
(27:02):
somehow, there's a possibilityof perhaps misdirected anger,
misdirected frustration, andperhaps prior pain and stress
that is brought into thatdynamic and arguments, and
(27:37):
imagine a beautiful whitehealing light flowing over both
of you, bringing calmness andpeace, bringing awareness,
insight, and understanding.
And if you want, you can affirmthese affirmations if you wish,
(28:08):
such as, I see your pain, evenif I don't agree with your
words.
I choose understanding overconflict.
I release the need to be right,allowing that healing white
(28:46):
light to gently dissolve thetension between you, and notice
this space of mutual respect andcalmness coming in, allowing
(29:17):
that healing light to continueto flow over you from your head
down out your feet.
And as you are under thathealing waterfall, let's also
affirm a few healingaffirmations.
I release the need to always beright, and I choose harmony
(29:42):
within my heart instead.
I allow myself to listen withcuriosity.
Understanding creates bridgesand it breaks down walls.
(30:06):
I allow myself to pause beforeI respond.
My voice is calm and steady andcompassionate.
(30:30):
I see the human being behindthe words.
I value connection more thanwinning an argument.
(30:51):
Each breath brings me closer topeace.
I create safety for myself andothers in conversations.
(31:16):
I trust that calm communicationcan heal wounds.
I allow love to guide myresponses.
(31:40):
I can speak with kindness evenwhen I disagree.
My heart leads me tounderstanding and respect.
Every moment I have the powerto choose peace.
(32:10):
Very good.
And I invite you now taking anice deep breath.
Very good.
And just slowly and gentlybringing your focus and your
(32:34):
awareness back into your body,feeling the surface beneath your
body, wiggling your fingers andyour toes.
And as you're opening youreyes, carrying this sense of
(33:02):
calm and understanding with you.
And remember that you're notalone, you are healing one step
at a time and one breath at atime.
And the affirmation for todayis every moment I have the power
(33:23):
to choose peace.
And remember, if this episodetouched you, then please share
it with someone on their healingjourney as well.
And as always, breathe deep,listen within, and stay gently
curious.
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for your love andyour time.
(33:44):
I love you all.
And until next time, be thelight that you are.
Bye everyone.
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