July 3, 2025 • 32 mins
What if the key to better health, stronger relationships, and reduced stress was something most of us are too embarrassed to talk about? Dr. Diane Mueller, sexologist with dual doctorates in naturopathic and oriental medicine, joins us to shatter taboos around sexual wellness and reveal the science behind intimate connection.
When 72% of people want to discuss sexual health with their doctors but feel too intimidated, we're missing crucial conversations about a fundamental aspect of wellbeing. Dr. Mueller explains how the hormones and chemicals released during intimate moments work wonders for our bodies—reducing stress hormones, easing anxiety and depression, and even improving bone density. As she puts it, "Pleasure is not just about desire, but something we require."
Through her personal healing journey and professional expertise, Dr. Mueller illuminates how small, unaddressed issues in relationships create what she calls "pinpoints" in the relationship ship. Each tiny hole might seem insignificant alone, but collectively they can sink even the strongest partnerships. Whether couples struggle with desire mismatches, physical challenges like erectile dysfunction or pelvic pain, or simply the natural evolution of long-term relationships, her approach focuses on practical solutions and open communication.
One particularly powerful insight challenges our cultural obsession with spontaneity. Remember how during early dating, we actually scheduled intimacy through carefully planned dates? Dr. Mueller explains that intentionally making time for connection allows partners to mentally prepare, build anticipation, and fully show up for each other. Rather than making intimacy routine, scheduling creates space for the focus and presence that passionate connection requires.
Ready to transform your relationship and boost your health through better understanding of sexual wellness? Visit libidoquiz.com to identify potential physical causes affecting your intimate life or download Dr. Mueller's free ebook at hotterlife.com. Subscribe now to continue receiving insights that enhance every aspect of your wellbeing!
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Well, hello and welcome back to the Healthy
Living Podcast.
I'm your host, joe Grumbine,and today we've got a very
special guest.
Her name's Dr Diane Mueller andwe're going to enter into some
new territory.
I'm kind of excited.
Diane has got a wealth ofexperience here and she is a
(00:24):
sexologist.
She's got dual doctorates innaturopathic medicine,
acupuncture, oriental medicine.
She's got a podcast, the LibidoLounge, and we're going to talk
about sexual health, empoweringindividuals and couples and
what a great topic.
(00:44):
Welcome to the show.
How are you doing today?
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Hi Joe, thanks for having me.
It is a really fun topic we'retalking about today and, I think
, a really needed topic too,like, for example, like some
surveys have shown, that 72% ofpeople want to talk to their
doctor about sex and yet theydon't because they feel
intimidated about it.
So I think it's a really coolconversation.
I think we're going to help alot of people today.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
I think it's funny because it's a thing that many
people probably most peoplespend a lot of time thinking
about and desiring andfantasizing and all these things
, and yet only a small slice ofpeople are willing to be open
and talk about it.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
Yeah, that's exactly right.
I think it's like it's such animportant part not only of our
intimate life, meaning ourconnection with our partner.
You know I often say thatcouples that play together stay
together, because we do see thatthe people that report the
healthiest relationships onaverage have sex about once a
week.
So it can be such a huge part,fundamental part of a
(01:48):
relationship and we also seethat the hormones and the
chemicals secreted during sexand during intimacy in general
help to do things like lowerstress hormone, lower anxiety,
lower depression, improve boneseven like build bones lower
depression improve bones, evenlike build bones.
Speaker 1 (02:05):
Some of these hormones it's a good workout.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
It's like it's not even that, it's like just even
like the chemicals.
It's like the workout combinedwith the chemicals, um, are
really that are secreted, arereally where the magic is.
So I think it's one of thesethings where it's like goodness,
it's like we see all thebenefits from this and, like you
said, people spend a lot oftime thinking about this.
It's such a normal, natural,healthy part of life and when we
put it into this world whereit's like, oh, we're going to
pretend this isn't a box andwe're not going to talk about it
(02:34):
, we lose all these benefitsthat can really help not only
the individual heal, butrelationships stay strong.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
Absolutely, and I think it's kind of indicative of
of all relationship issues.
A lot of times people just youdon't want to deal with things
and it's easy just to put it onthe shelf and go along like
everything's okay and you know,sort of get by.
But you know, like you say, thecortisol levels that increase
from the stress of all that andyou get a little oxytocin in you
(03:04):
and you're feeling prettygroovy and it's like you said
the brain chemicals, theneurotransmitters, the hormones,
all of these things that affecteverything about our lives,
including the health of ourbodies, our cells, everything
it's all connected to thesechemicals and these practices.
(03:27):
So it's fantastic that thereare people like you out there
talking about it and bringing itout there to life.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
Were you going to ask a question?
Speaker 1 (03:41):
Yeah, no, I was going to say I always like to hear
from our guests like whatbrought you to this?
You know we have all these wide.
You know this is a healthyliving podcast, so we go all
over the place.
You know mind, body, spirit,everything, and generally
there's some kind of a storythat says, well, this is how I
got here.
I'm always curious about that.
Speaker 2 (04:01):
Yeah, I have a two-part story for that.
Part one is how I gotinterested in the topic and
started studying this, and parttwo is how I got actually
inspired to create more of abusiness and a brand out of this
.
So part one was superinteresting.
This was in my either lateteens, early 20s it was like 19
(04:21):
or 20 at the time and I wasexperiencing vulvar pain and it
was very weird.
It was like this kind of cameon out of nowhere.
It would keep me up at night iswhen it would really start.
The pain would start.
It was just every night.
I didn't experience it muchduring the day, went to docs,
everything was fine, which wasgood.
Like there was no like medicalproblem that was easily
(04:43):
identifiable, right, but it wasstill like you know, like in
some ways, when we don't get adiagnosis, in some ways it's
worse, right, because then it'slike what the heck is doing this
?
Speaker 1 (04:54):
Yeah, is it in my head or is they missing it or
what's up, right?
Speaker 2 (04:58):
exactly.
I was raised really, reallystrict Catholic where, like you
know, the conversations aroundsex, around self-pleasure, all
these things were, even thoughthey're very taboo in society.
They were extremely taboo in myhousehold and that's relevant to
the story because I had aroommate at the time very dear
(05:19):
friend of me who was like veryopen in talking about her
self-pleasure practice and liketo me it was like whoa, what is
happening here?
But as I'm complaining to herand sharing with her about my
pain, one day she hands me abook and she's like I think this
book can help you and the bookwas called Sex for One, which is
(05:40):
a very popular book I now, youknow, now know by a woman called
Betty Dodson, and this book isvery interesting because it
talks about self-pleasure.
But it talks about this notonly from a pleasure perspective
but from a healing perspective,and she's a lot of people that
she's talking about that she hashelped in this book and one of
the common threads was paingoing away and I was like, well,
(06:02):
this is really interesting.
So one very, very brave night,joe, I decided to try
self-pleasure for my first time,like totally scared, totally
not knowing if, like I was goingto, you know, burst into flames
and go to hell it was a verybig moment for me.
The anti-rapture.
Yeah, Right, exactly.
So in this moment, my pain wentaway and I could sleep and I
(06:25):
was like that's really cool.
Next night pain was back.
You know, self-pleasure again,pain goes away.
This, this went on for severalnights and then the pain just
went away and never came back.
So that was like.
That was a like one of thosemoments.
You know, we have those momentssometimes in life as humans
that are like those beliefshattering moments.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
Absolutely, I've had a few of them, yeah.
Speaker 2 (06:48):
I was one of those where I was like, well, if this
is, if this is like a able, ifpleasure is able to heal my body
, when no doctor had any ideawhat was going on, and I
actually healed myself throughpleasure, like how can this be
bad?
Speaker 1 (07:05):
Right, exactly, it's a perfect storm.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
Right.
So I really started questioningthat and that's what started
making me like during the yearsand study relationships and sex
all you know sex stuff andTantra and you know taking a ton
of courses and just readingthrough things.
My.
My career went a differentdirection, though.
I have a second businessworking with Lyme and mold and
(07:28):
very complicated diseases, as Iended up getting Lyme disease at
one point in my life.
So that spun me that direction.
About four, three, four yearsago now.
I decided post coming out of adivorce that I was like very
interested in, you know, inactually bringing this to the um
(07:50):
, to the world, because mypartner, who I've been with now
for four and a half years, wasinstrumental in my healing and
what I really learned.
I was working with a therapistat the time post-divorce and I
was like, well, I really can'tbegin to date anybody and to be
serious about anybody until I'mhealed.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
Right and what this therapist?
Speaker 1 (08:15):
That's actually pretty wise.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
Well, you think that, and that's what I would have
thought.
But the therapist was superinteresting Herpes was super
interesting and the advice shegave me was that when it's your
healing from somethinginterrelational, the way you
actually heal it isinterrelational.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
Makes sense actually.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
And it did.
And then this partner that Ihave, my amazing boyfriend, was
instrumental in healing.
But one of the things that hewas really instrumental in so
many things he's like the mostamazing human and and bazillion
different ways.
But one of the things that hereally started doing is, as I
was going through a lot ofstress and healing from a lot of
, you know, just interrelationaltrauma that I had housed,
(09:00):
giving me immense amount ofpleasure, immense amount of
orgasms, immense amount of touchand and really just kind of
like my beginning stage ofthings.
It was like a reminder aroundlike holy cow, like how much are
we suffering in this world ashumans by not taking advantage
of one of our key ways?
That, I believe, was God givento heal no accident?
(09:21):
Yeah, was God given to heal noaccident?
Yeah, and and that was, likeyou know, recovering from that
and you know, and really, um,seeing the power of this once
again was was kind of themotivation for, like, I got to
start speaking out about this.
This has to stop being so taboo.
I have, you know, twodoctorates.
I have the medical knowledge, Ihave all of this angles that I
(09:42):
can come from this and keep itprofessional Right.
So I was like we got it, we gotto talk about this, so that's
how I am where I am.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
Well, that's a powerful story.
So you're today, you're stillworking in the research on Lyme
and other things like that, soyou spend a lot of time
obviously doing it, but that'ssuper important work.
I know many people who havesuffered Lyme and it's
debilitating and, frankly, theydon't have the answers yet.
They've got lots of things thatcan work for certain people
(10:12):
certain, but it's like cancerI'm, I'm, I'm recovering from
cancer and everything.
There isn't one answer foranybody.
You have to everybody's got tofind their answer.
But there are pillars that canapply across the board to
everybody and if you can workwith those things to start with,
maybe you can create protocolsthat help a lot of people.
(10:33):
So that's really good, powerfulwork.
So you obviously have givenyourself a mission that it's
important to get this word out,and you've got this podcast that
it's important to get this wordout and you've got this podcast
.
How is it that you reach people?
Is it all?
Is it not anonymously but witha disconnect, or do you deal
(10:57):
with people one-on-one as well?
Speaker 2 (10:59):
In the libido world.
I do it all through educationbecause I feel like the biggest
thing here is really teachingpeople right.
So I work.
So it's usually couples thatcome in.
Now sometimes it'll be, likeyou know, one individual in the
couple.
There's a lot of differentmotivations, like I've seen
couples where their biggeststruggle is erectile dysfunction
(11:21):
and which you know reallyaffects both partners.
I've seen it where there'spelvic pain on the woman's side.
So sometimes there's thesephysical root causes hormone
imbalances, these sorts ofthings.
Oftentimes there's things likejust like, like a lot of love
and a lot of care, but boredomcomes in Desire.
Mismatch is a huge one forcouples where one partner
(11:44):
oftentimes the man, but notalways is has a stronger drive,
and usually what happens in thatscenario is that drive is
creating like, like a like aproblem for the couple because
whoever has that stronger driveis wanting it, and then they
feel rejected.
But then the person who's likegosh, I love you and I would
love to give that to you, butthey're struggling between
(12:05):
honoring their own body andhonoring their own needs but
wanting to also show up fortheir partner.
And then one of the biggestthings that happens with a lot
of this that you kind ofmentioned a little while ago is,
like, so much of the time,rather than talking about this
and like because we don't knowhow.
We don't know how to workthrough this.
It's not been something we'vebeen taught as humans.
It gets shoved under the rugand it's just that, that little
(12:26):
thing.
that's like the way some friendsof mine, rono and Sierra, who
run an organization called EdenWorld the way they describe it
that I've kind of borrowed isit's almost like having a ship
and the relationship is a ship.
And every time we have theselike micro things we don't talk
about, it's just like a smalllittle hole, it's just like
pinpoint in the ship not a bigdeal, you can have a few
(12:48):
pinpoints, you're not going tosink.
Speaker 1 (12:50):
Don't notice it right away.
Yeah, Right.
Speaker 2 (12:52):
But then if you get enough of those pinpoints, then
all of a sudden it actuallybecomes a very devastating thing
for the relationship.
And so a lot of times I thinkit's like, oh, that tiny little
thing that gets said, or likethat rejection over here, like
you know, going in for a kissand like I'm too busy, and
getting shoved away, and allthose little things that we
don't realize.
They start to add up.
(13:12):
So I basically I help people,you know, patch up those
pinpoints by teach, by showingthem how to find them, teaching
them how to talk about it, andthen showing them, like both,
how to do the sexy stuff, how tobring in all that that sexy
stuff in techniques, novelty,all that amazing.
(13:32):
And at libido quizcom, wherepeople can take this quiz to
actually figure out what are theroot physical causes, because
many times it is a physicalthing as a component as well.
Yeah, there's a lot in there,for sure.
Speaker 1 (13:48):
Absolutely.
And that's where one of thethings I wanted to get to you
know, as as people get older, alot of different things happen.
You know, it's not just aphysical diminishing of hormones
and things like that, or awoman going through menopause,
but it's also.
Life takes its toll on you.
(14:11):
Or you get deep into a careerpath or a passion project that
just consumes you, or you get 30years into a relationship and
all the rough edges are roundedoff and you're kind of
comfortable with each other, butit's not necessarily that sauce
(14:36):
that got it going to begin with.
So there's all these thingsthat happen as people get older.
Do you deal with a lot of peoplethat are, you know, maybe over
50 or over 60?
That you know it's like you'restill healthy, you still want to
, you still have an urge, youstill.
You know it feels good when youdo it, but it's not the most
(14:58):
important thing anymore, likewhen you're in your twenties,
like that's, that's your drive.
You know you're, everything isgoing to the next, you know, to
the next orgasm, and you're justlike, okay, you know.
And then you get older andolder and you're like, yeah,
that's nice, but it's not thesame sort of impact.
Yeah, it's.
It's one of these things whereit's nice but it's not the same
sort of impact.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
Yeah, it's one of these things where it's like I
feel like to break down thestatement.
It's not the same sort ofimpact, I would say that's true,
and I think there can be agreater impact than we realize.
So I do think we need to breakdown the idea around.
Like you know and I'm notsaying you're saying this but I
think there's a common beliefthat, okay, well, sex has to die
(15:38):
with age, like we actually seeright now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that'snot what you're saying at all
we actually see in that rightnow that in nursing homes, the
STI rate is on the rise.
So there's like, like, I havesome colleagues that like one of
their things is like going intonursing homes and talking to
them about safe sex and bringingcondoms and all those things.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
I love it.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
Yeah, for many people it's like they enter nursing
homes after being with you knowmany times one partner, their
you know, largely their wholelife, where they weren't
thinking about that and nowthey're like, not you know,
they're not thinking about itand they're getting diseases
because of their lack of barrierprotection, sure, of their lack
of barrier protection.
So you know, so we do know that.
But the thing that I think isimportant to bring light to as
(16:22):
well is your apps.
I totally agree with you onlike, yeah, that drive can
change, right, the desire, thechemicals, the, you know, the
brain really is our biggest sexhormone and that drive does
change.
There's no doubt with that.
But the thing that I want toadd to what you said is like
there's still, like, whilepeople early in life might have
(16:44):
a bigger motivation around, likeokay, if I'm not having sex,
I'm going to go out and find itright, there might not be and
there might not be that like inearlier stages, it's like, oh my
gosh, if I'm not having this,like I've all this, you know,
for man, like all this intensitybuilt up in my body and I got
to release it and there's likekind of that, that motivation.
(17:08):
But because we see so much valuearound what pleasure is doing
to heal and what pleasure isdoing to keep a relationship
strong, my message largely isthat, like, even if, like, that
drive is not as strong, theimportance for living a healthy
life you know, being the healthyliving podcast, right, like one
of the things I'm building alecture around right now is some
(17:29):
of the research around oxytocinto reset dopamine addiction.
Sure, right, and I imagine thishas come up in your podcast
before because it's such acommon thing right?
It's like our phones, all thedevices, all the push
notifications.
It's crazy.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I'm all about that.
I have a botanical garden thatwe use for therapeutic
horticulture and a lot of thatis just resetting and you know
the nature, the nature bath justgo outside and, you know, turn
it all off and listen to thebirds, go and reset yourself a
little bit.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
It's good stuff, exactly the digital detox right,
Like like actually taking abreak from technology.
And so, when it comes to theimportance of pleasure, like one
of the things I often say ispleasure is not just about
desire, but something we require.
Desire but something we require, and that is because what I see
around like, oh, the ability ofusing pleasure as a way of
(18:23):
healing, you know, as a way ofhealing ourselves, as a way of
helping our partner heal, as away of connection, all that that
I do think like, yes, we wantto always figure out what the
physical root causes are.
If there are some hormones,pelvic floor, circulation,
neurological right, stress,these common things that can
drive that libido down.
What the physical root causesare, if there are some hormones,
(18:43):
pelvic floor, circulation,neurological right, stress,
these common things that candrive that libido down, we do
want to see those, but then wealso have to work with the
biggest sex organ, which is thebrain, to say how can we
actually be motivated toprioritize this?
Speaker 1 (18:53):
even if it's just once a week.
I was going to mention thatword.
Prioritize.
I think you know people getfocused on health and they go
okay.
Well, let's see, I need to getout and work out, I need to eat.
Well, I need to sleep.
You know the sort of the, youknow the ones that everybody
goes to, but you know, if youthink about, there's other
priorities that are maybeequally as important.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
Yeah, exactly, and like an exercise that I do for a
lot of people at the start ofmy work is this is make a values
list and in the values listwrite down all the top values
and, kind of like, prioritizethem.
So you know most people havelike partner, kids, career, you
know kind of at the top, Sure,so that's common right.
(19:38):
So you just make your valueslist, prioritize it, you know,
in value order, and then youdraw a separate thing which is a
pie chart, and you make 24pieces of the pie to represent
24 hours in the day and you'regoing to, you know, probably
write, sleep, hopefully forseven to nine of them like some
people less, some people moreRight, Right, and into nine of
them like some people less, somepeople more right, and then
(20:00):
fill in the rest of the hours,the rest of the pieces of the
pie, with what you spend yourtime on on an average day.
And what you're doing is you'recomparing your values list to
your pie chart.
And what's very interesting forpeople when they do this is
oftentimes because of life,because of like they do.
This is oftentimes because oflife because of like, not just
(20:21):
like, not actually prioritizingand not actually putting this,
that intention, in that what wevalue the most, oftentimes our
partner is actually not even inthe chart on a day-to-day basis,
or maybe they get a 15 minuteslot right.
And that's not sustainable.
Like, yes, we have to work, wehave to take care of the kids,
we have to do do all the things,but if we don't have some days
where it's chunk left over, thatthat you have expendable time,
(20:43):
and I think a lot of peoplespend it scrolling on their
phones or doing stupid crap.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
That doesn't give you anything back exactly, exactly.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
So.
It's really like one of thefirst things I find is like
awareness and with that, that,once, like you, like people,
have that aha moment around,like, wow, I say this is what I
value the most, but my actionsdon't match it, right, that can
be a huge aha moment to say, oh,wow, I really do value this
relationship and now I need tomake sure that that relationship
(21:14):
has a piece in my day-to-daypie.
Speaker 1 (21:17):
Nice.
So I always kind of.
As you know, I was born in the60s and I lived in a totally
different world than you grew upin.
It's, you know there were nocomputers.
We had interactions that werejust what you did, right, you
know you spent time with people.
(21:37):
You worked things out.
You got in a fight, you figuredyou did.
Right, you know you spent timewith people, you, you, you work
things out.
You got in a fight.
You you figured it out, right,you didn't.
You know there wasn't this sortof virtual lives that we live
today and there was also not theinformation that there was
today.
So things you know, like pornoand fantasy things, they were
(21:59):
taboo.
You know there was littletheaters on the seedy corners
but, you know, in a magazine,here and there, but there wasn't
like today, it's everywhere,it's everything, it's, it's the,
the.
The moral boundaries have beenblurred to a point where it
doesn't matter how you wereraised.
You could be Amish or you couldbe, you know, a Satanist, and
(22:21):
it really you're going to getexposed to the same stuff.
And you know sex is everywhere,the you know, in music, in
advertising, the Internet's justriddled with it.
You can't do a search onanything without some porno site
coming up, unless you reallytry to avoid it.
(22:41):
I got to think that that hassome kind of an impact on the
dynamic of people today.
What's your thoughts?
Speaker 2 (22:53):
I mean, there's two things I would say about that.
First of all, before I jumpinto that, absolutely, you're
absolutely right, it impacts thedynamics.
And then, more specifically,what's crazy is how easy it is
to access those things.
And then, for people like methat are really, you know,
really talking about a healthysex life and really preaching,
(23:15):
how can we do this in a way thatis like ethical and loving and
and really looking at this fromlike the health side of things?
It's very, very hard for me toadvertise, and my colleagues,
that I talk about the same thing.
So it's like there's thisdisconnect in what we're being
shown around.
We get shown, you know, pornsites and all these things, and
that's a different conversationfor when it's healthy, when it's
(23:37):
not which way I will have acomment on in a moment but we're
shown all those things and thenwe're not shown, I feel like,
the equal amount of like how dowe utilize this to make
relationships better and how dowe utilize this to make
relationships thrive?
And there's like that side ofthings that's still hidden.
So we're not being shown bothsides of the coin, the other big
(23:58):
thing to comment on with theease of access to some of this,
as I think the biggest detrimentthat we with things like the
porn industry is that people donot easily disassociate like
unassociate, uncouple it withfrom reality.
So like the example I givesometimes is that we're not
(24:20):
going to watch like a DC movieand think that, oh, just because
we see Superman, we can fly.
Speaker 1 (24:26):
Right, we automatically realize that
that's fiction and it'sentertaining and it's fun.
You can get lost in it for awhile.
Speaker 2 (24:35):
And the brain differentiates that very easily
fiction from reality.
But when it comes to porn,which is fantasy, it's fiction,
it's entertainment, it's notreality.
The brain, unfortunately,doesn't do that.
And you know so many people arethinking that their sex lives
needs, you know, should belooking like that, that that is
like how a woman responds, thatthat is how a man should
(24:57):
approach a woman, that that ishow they should be together, of
what passion tends to look likeon either side of the occasion.
And so it's like I think peoplein relationships it's so easy
to compare themselves to likethis perfect ideal, you know and
air quotes for those that arelistening that never is gonna
(25:19):
exist, because it's truly moreof fantasy and entertainment
than reality.
And I think that's one of thebiggest detriments that the
industry has to people.
If it can be looked at as likefantasy, that's one of the
biggest detriments that theindustry has to people.
If it can be looked at as likefantasy, that's a totally
different thing, but that's howit needs to be approached.
Speaker 1 (25:32):
That makes sense.
That makes good sense.
You're a published author.
Why don't you tell us a littlebit about your work?
Speaker 2 (25:40):
Yeah, a few different things.
So I have one of mybest-selling books is it's Not
in your Mind?
That's my book about Lyme andmold and chronic illness.
I have a e-book that people canactually get for free on the
five best ways to enhanceorgasms and romance.
You can get that athotterlifecom.
That's a really cool book.
(26:01):
And then I'm working on athree-part series on libido and
love and the first part will bereleased in late this year.
That is called Want to Want itand so, yeah, if you go and you
download my free book athotterlifecom, I'll definitely
let people know when the freeone comes out.
But really a lot of my work andthat's coming out in this
(26:22):
three-part series is looking atthe physical reasons for low
libido.
So again, at libidoquizcom youcan find those as well, but I'll
go through that in the book.
The second book is looking atthe personal reasons for low
libido.
So this is where it comes to,like body image and shame and
how do we feel about sex and dowe even know our own body?
Can we even tell our partnerlike, hey, these are my turn-ons
(26:44):
, can we name it?
And then the third book islooking at the interpersonal,
which is how do we actually showup with our partner?
Are we prioritizing it?
How do we communicate, givingtools for better communication
around it and those sorts ofthings?
So, yeah, all of that to come.
Speaker 1 (27:01):
It's a broad body of work.
I guess we're running to theend of things, but I always like
to hear, like if you had onepiece of advice for everybody,
what do you think it would be?
Speaker 2 (27:16):
For everybody in the libido world.
Speaker 1 (27:19):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (27:20):
Yeah, the biggest thing I would say in long-term
relationships is the importanceof scheduling it and making it.
You know that priority and wetalked about the priority, so
it's anything more there.
But it's interesting in theconversation around scheduling
intimacy because so many peopleare like, well, I want this to
be a spontaneous.
It should be spontaneous andhere's what I have to say to
(27:40):
that when we start dating, welike in the beginning, when
everything is that newrelationship, energy and there's
all that passion and thathotness and all that and there's
also not all the other stuff.
Yes.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
You know, you barely know each other, so you have
fewer things in common, you havefewer shared experiences.
You have fewer problems.
You have fewer.
Speaker 2 (28:02):
Everything Correct and here's the other thing with
that is that we scheduled itback then and that's why people
don't realize it.
It's like you have your datenight and you're like when do
you start you?
Speaker 1 (28:11):
know what's going to happen.
Speaker 2 (28:12):
Yeah, you know what's going to happen and you like
put on your special clothes andmaybe your special panties and
your special boxers, and you,you know, you put on your
cologne and your perfume and youlook, you do all the things.
Actually had a plan of this iswhere this is probably going,
and it's only when we move intogether and we combine our
lives we share keys, we sharekids, we share expenses, we
(28:33):
share so many things that all ofa sudden we think we don't have
to schedule it.
But when you schedule it, whatit does is it makes it a
priority and you can have, stillhave tons of spontaneous you
know times too.
It's not like it's not likeit's at the expense of the
spontaneity, but what it does isit helps to like get you back
into some of that like likedating state where it's like, oh
(28:54):
yeah, we have a date we'regoing to like, we're going to
actually have this as part ofour, our intimate night.
So I'm going to clear myschedule, I'm going to get my
mind right, I'm going to dropwhatever by circling around in
my mind that I have to solve andI'm going to actually give this
time to fully show up to mypartner.
It can do wonders.
And there's nothing else inlife that if you practice over
(29:19):
and over and over again, itwould get worse.
So practice something over andover again, it should get better
.
And if you need help.
let me know I can help you.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
I love it.
I love it.
Well, I think not only that,but there's the anticipation of
something when you, when youknow something's coming that's
going to be good, you lookforward to it and you get extra,
extra brain chemicals, you know.
Speaker 2 (29:43):
Exactly.
It gives you something to flirtabout.
It gives you something to thinkabout.
You know exactly.
It gives you something to flirtabout.
It gives you something to thinkabout.
There's so many different waysyou can use this to fuel more
passion.
It doesn't have to be boring.
Speaker 1 (29:56):
And in fact I find it to be anything but Absolutely
Well.
This has been a rivetingconversation and I know you've
already thrown out some websitestuff, but I know if probably a
bunch of listeners are going towant to say, hey, I want to, I
want to learn more, I want tomaybe reach out.
So how would they get ahold ofyou?
Speaker 2 (30:10):
Yeah, I mean, really the easiest thing is to go to
libidoquizcom or hotterlifecomto get those two freebies and
then, once you go there, you'llsee how to contact me and all
that and super easy and justreach out and we'll put you in
touch with any of our our work.
That would be supportive.
Speaker 1 (30:25):
Fantastic.
Well, diane, it's been apleasure with this conversation
and I think the listeners aregoing to find it fascinating,
and thank you for being with us.
Speaker 2 (30:36):
Thank you Joe, thank you everybody.
Speaker 1 (30:38):
Excellent.
This has been another editionof the Healthy Living Podcast.
I'm your host, Joe Grumbine.
We thank you for your supportand we will see you next time.
Well, hello and welcome back to the Healthy
Living Podcast.
I'm your host, joe Grumbine,and today we've got a very
special guest.
Her name's Dr Diane Mueller andwe're going to enter into some
new territory.
I'm kind of excited.
Diane has got a wealth ofexperience here and she is a
(00:24):
sexologist.
She's got dual doctorates innaturopathic medicine,
acupuncture, oriental medicine.
She's got a podcast, the LibidoLounge, and we're going to talk
about sexual health, empoweringindividuals and couples and
what a great topic.
(00:44):
Welcome to the show.
How are you doing today?
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Hi Joe, thanks for having me.
It is a really fun topic we'retalking about today and, I think
, a really needed topic too,like, for example, like some
surveys have shown, that 72% ofpeople want to talk to their
doctor about sex and yet theydon't because they feel
intimidated about it.
So I think it's a really coolconversation.
I think we're going to help alot of people today.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
I think it's funny because it's a thing that many
people probably most peoplespend a lot of time thinking
about and desiring andfantasizing and all these things
, and yet only a small slice ofpeople are willing to be open
and talk about it.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
Yeah, that's exactly right.
I think it's like it's such animportant part not only of our
intimate life, meaning ourconnection with our partner.
You know I often say thatcouples that play together stay
together, because we do see thatthe people that report the
healthiest relationships onaverage have sex about once a
week.
So it can be such a huge part,fundamental part of a
(01:48):
relationship and we also seethat the hormones and the
chemicals secreted during sexand during intimacy in general
help to do things like lowerstress hormone, lower anxiety,
lower depression, improve boneseven like build bones lower
depression improve bones, evenlike build bones.
Speaker 1 (02:05):
Some of these hormones it's a good workout.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
It's like it's not even that, it's like just even
like the chemicals.
It's like the workout combinedwith the chemicals, um, are
really that are secreted, arereally where the magic is.
So I think it's one of thesethings where it's like goodness,
it's like we see all thebenefits from this and, like you
said, people spend a lot oftime thinking about this.
It's such a normal, natural,healthy part of life and when we
put it into this world whereit's like, oh, we're going to
pretend this isn't a box andwe're not going to talk about it
(02:34):
, we lose all these benefitsthat can really help not only
the individual heal, butrelationships stay strong.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
Absolutely, and I think it's kind of indicative of
of all relationship issues.
A lot of times people just youdon't want to deal with things
and it's easy just to put it onthe shelf and go along like
everything's okay and you know,sort of get by.
But you know, like you say, thecortisol levels that increase
from the stress of all that andyou get a little oxytocin in you
(03:04):
and you're feeling prettygroovy and it's like you said
the brain chemicals, theneurotransmitters, the hormones,
all of these things that affecteverything about our lives,
including the health of ourbodies, our cells, everything
it's all connected to thesechemicals and these practices.
(03:27):
So it's fantastic that thereare people like you out there
talking about it and bringing itout there to life.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
Were you going to ask a question?
Speaker 1 (03:41):
Yeah, no, I was going to say I always like to hear
from our guests like whatbrought you to this?
You know we have all these wide.
You know this is a healthyliving podcast, so we go all
over the place.
You know mind, body, spirit,everything, and generally
there's some kind of a storythat says, well, this is how I
got here.
I'm always curious about that.
Speaker 2 (04:01):
Yeah, I have a two-part story for that.
Part one is how I gotinterested in the topic and
started studying this, and parttwo is how I got actually
inspired to create more of abusiness and a brand out of this
.
So part one was superinteresting.
This was in my either lateteens, early 20s it was like 19
(04:21):
or 20 at the time and I wasexperiencing vulvar pain and it
was very weird.
It was like this kind of cameon out of nowhere.
It would keep me up at night iswhen it would really start.
The pain would start.
It was just every night.
I didn't experience it muchduring the day, went to docs,
everything was fine, which wasgood.
Like there was no like medicalproblem that was easily
(04:43):
identifiable, right, but it wasstill like you know, like in
some ways, when we don't get adiagnosis, in some ways it's
worse, right, because then it'slike what the heck is doing this
?
Speaker 1 (04:54):
Yeah, is it in my head or is they missing it or
what's up, right?
Speaker 2 (04:58):
exactly.
I was raised really, reallystrict Catholic where, like you
know, the conversations aroundsex, around self-pleasure, all
these things were, even thoughthey're very taboo in society.
They were extremely taboo in myhousehold and that's relevant to
the story because I had aroommate at the time very dear
(05:19):
friend of me who was like veryopen in talking about her
self-pleasure practice and liketo me it was like whoa, what is
happening here?
But as I'm complaining to herand sharing with her about my
pain, one day she hands me abook and she's like I think this
book can help you and the bookwas called Sex for One, which is
(05:40):
a very popular book I now, youknow, now know by a woman called
Betty Dodson, and this book isvery interesting because it
talks about self-pleasure.
But it talks about this notonly from a pleasure perspective
but from a healing perspective,and she's a lot of people that
she's talking about that she hashelped in this book and one of
the common threads was paingoing away and I was like, well,
(06:02):
this is really interesting.
So one very, very brave night,joe, I decided to try
self-pleasure for my first time,like totally scared, totally
not knowing if, like I was goingto, you know, burst into flames
and go to hell it was a verybig moment for me.
The anti-rapture.
Yeah, Right, exactly.
So in this moment, my pain wentaway and I could sleep and I
(06:25):
was like that's really cool.
Next night pain was back.
You know, self-pleasure again,pain goes away.
This, this went on for severalnights and then the pain just
went away and never came back.
So that was like.
That was a like one of thosemoments.
You know, we have those momentssometimes in life as humans
that are like those beliefshattering moments.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
Absolutely, I've had a few of them, yeah.
Speaker 2 (06:48):
I was one of those where I was like, well, if this
is, if this is like a able, ifpleasure is able to heal my body
, when no doctor had any ideawhat was going on, and I
actually healed myself throughpleasure, like how can this be
bad?
Speaker 1 (07:05):
Right, exactly, it's a perfect storm.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
Right.
So I really started questioningthat and that's what started
making me like during the yearsand study relationships and sex
all you know sex stuff andTantra and you know taking a ton
of courses and just readingthrough things.
My.
My career went a differentdirection, though.
I have a second businessworking with Lyme and mold and
(07:28):
very complicated diseases, as Iended up getting Lyme disease at
one point in my life.
So that spun me that direction.
About four, three, four yearsago now.
I decided post coming out of adivorce that I was like very
interested in, you know, inactually bringing this to the um
(07:50):
, to the world, because mypartner, who I've been with now
for four and a half years, wasinstrumental in my healing and
what I really learned.
I was working with a therapistat the time post-divorce and I
was like, well, I really can'tbegin to date anybody and to be
serious about anybody until I'mhealed.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
Right and what this therapist?
Speaker 1 (08:15):
That's actually pretty wise.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
Well, you think that, and that's what I would have
thought.
But the therapist was superinteresting Herpes was super
interesting and the advice shegave me was that when it's your
healing from somethinginterrelational, the way you
actually heal it isinterrelational.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
Makes sense actually.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
And it did.
And then this partner that Ihave, my amazing boyfriend, was
instrumental in healing.
But one of the things that hewas really instrumental in so
many things he's like the mostamazing human and and bazillion
different ways.
But one of the things that hereally started doing is, as I
was going through a lot ofstress and healing from a lot of
, you know, just interrelationaltrauma that I had housed,
(09:00):
giving me immense amount ofpleasure, immense amount of
orgasms, immense amount of touchand and really just kind of
like my beginning stage ofthings.
It was like a reminder aroundlike holy cow, like how much are
we suffering in this world ashumans by not taking advantage
of one of our key ways?
That, I believe, was God givento heal no accident?
(09:21):
Yeah, was God given to heal noaccident?
Yeah, and and that was, likeyou know, recovering from that
and you know, and really, um,seeing the power of this once
again was was kind of themotivation for, like, I got to
start speaking out about this.
This has to stop being so taboo.
I have, you know, twodoctorates.
I have the medical knowledge, Ihave all of this angles that I
(09:42):
can come from this and keep itprofessional Right.
So I was like we got it, we gotto talk about this, so that's
how I am where I am.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
Well, that's a powerful story.
So you're today, you're stillworking in the research on Lyme
and other things like that, soyou spend a lot of time
obviously doing it, but that'ssuper important work.
I know many people who havesuffered Lyme and it's
debilitating and, frankly, theydon't have the answers yet.
They've got lots of things thatcan work for certain people
(10:12):
certain, but it's like cancerI'm, I'm, I'm recovering from
cancer and everything.
There isn't one answer foranybody.
You have to everybody's got tofind their answer.
But there are pillars that canapply across the board to
everybody and if you can workwith those things to start with,
maybe you can create protocolsthat help a lot of people.
(10:33):
So that's really good, powerfulwork.
So you obviously have givenyourself a mission that it's
important to get this word out,and you've got this podcast that
it's important to get this wordout and you've got this podcast
.
How is it that you reach people?
Is it all?
Is it not anonymously but witha disconnect, or do you deal
(10:57):
with people one-on-one as well?
Speaker 2 (10:59):
In the libido world.
I do it all through educationbecause I feel like the biggest
thing here is really teachingpeople right.
So I work.
So it's usually couples thatcome in.
Now sometimes it'll be, likeyou know, one individual in the
couple.
There's a lot of differentmotivations, like I've seen
couples where their biggeststruggle is erectile dysfunction
(11:21):
and which you know reallyaffects both partners.
I've seen it where there'spelvic pain on the woman's side.
So sometimes there's thesephysical root causes hormone
imbalances, these sorts ofthings.
Oftentimes there's things likejust like, like a lot of love
and a lot of care, but boredomcomes in Desire.
Mismatch is a huge one forcouples where one partner
(11:44):
oftentimes the man, but notalways is has a stronger drive,
and usually what happens in thatscenario is that drive is
creating like, like a like aproblem for the couple because
whoever has that stronger driveis wanting it, and then they
feel rejected.
But then the person who's likegosh, I love you and I would
love to give that to you, butthey're struggling between
(12:05):
honoring their own body andhonoring their own needs but
wanting to also show up fortheir partner.
And then one of the biggestthings that happens with a lot
of this that you kind ofmentioned a little while ago is,
like, so much of the time,rather than talking about this
and like because we don't knowhow.
We don't know how to workthrough this.
It's not been something we'vebeen taught as humans.
It gets shoved under the rugand it's just that, that little
(12:26):
thing.
that's like the way some friendsof mine, rono and Sierra, who
run an organization called EdenWorld the way they describe it
that I've kind of borrowed isit's almost like having a ship
and the relationship is a ship.
And every time we have theselike micro things we don't talk
about, it's just like a smalllittle hole, it's just like
pinpoint in the ship not a bigdeal, you can have a few
(12:48):
pinpoints, you're not going tosink.
Speaker 1 (12:50):
Don't notice it right away.
Yeah, Right.
Speaker 2 (12:52):
But then if you get enough of those pinpoints, then
all of a sudden it actuallybecomes a very devastating thing
for the relationship.
And so a lot of times I thinkit's like, oh, that tiny little
thing that gets said, or likethat rejection over here, like
you know, going in for a kissand like I'm too busy, and
getting shoved away, and allthose little things that we
don't realize.
They start to add up.
(13:12):
So I basically I help people,you know, patch up those
pinpoints by teach, by showingthem how to find them, teaching
them how to talk about it, andthen showing them, like both,
how to do the sexy stuff, how tobring in all that that sexy
stuff in techniques, novelty,all that amazing.
(13:32):
And at libido quizcom, wherepeople can take this quiz to
actually figure out what are theroot physical causes, because
many times it is a physicalthing as a component as well.
Yeah, there's a lot in there,for sure.
Speaker 1 (13:48):
Absolutely.
And that's where one of thethings I wanted to get to you
know, as as people get older, alot of different things happen.
You know, it's not just aphysical diminishing of hormones
and things like that, or awoman going through menopause,
but it's also.
Life takes its toll on you.
(14:11):
Or you get deep into a careerpath or a passion project that
just consumes you, or you get 30years into a relationship and
all the rough edges are roundedoff and you're kind of
comfortable with each other, butit's not necessarily that sauce
(14:36):
that got it going to begin with.
So there's all these thingsthat happen as people get older.
Do you deal with a lot of peoplethat are, you know, maybe over
50 or over 60?
That you know it's like you'restill healthy, you still want to
, you still have an urge, youstill.
You know it feels good when youdo it, but it's not the most
(14:58):
important thing anymore, likewhen you're in your twenties,
like that's, that's your drive.
You know you're, everything isgoing to the next, you know, to
the next orgasm, and you're justlike, okay, you know.
And then you get older andolder and you're like, yeah,
that's nice, but it's not thesame sort of impact.
Yeah, it's.
It's one of these things whereit's nice but it's not the same
sort of impact.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
Yeah, it's one of these things where it's like I
feel like to break down thestatement.
It's not the same sort ofimpact, I would say that's true,
and I think there can be agreater impact than we realize.
So I do think we need to breakdown the idea around.
Like you know and I'm notsaying you're saying this but I
think there's a common beliefthat, okay, well, sex has to die
(15:38):
with age, like we actually seeright now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that'snot what you're saying at all
we actually see in that rightnow that in nursing homes, the
STI rate is on the rise.
So there's like, like, I havesome colleagues that like one of
their things is like going intonursing homes and talking to
them about safe sex and bringingcondoms and all those things.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
I love it.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
Yeah, for many people it's like they enter nursing
homes after being with you knowmany times one partner, their
you know, largely their wholelife, where they weren't
thinking about that and nowthey're like, not you know,
they're not thinking about itand they're getting diseases
because of their lack of barrierprotection, sure, of their lack
of barrier protection.
So you know, so we do know that.
But the thing that I think isimportant to bring light to as
(16:22):
well is your apps.
I totally agree with you onlike, yeah, that drive can
change, right, the desire, thechemicals, the, you know, the
brain really is our biggest sexhormone and that drive does
change.
There's no doubt with that.
But the thing that I want toadd to what you said is like
there's still, like, whilepeople early in life might have
(16:44):
a bigger motivation around, likeokay, if I'm not having sex,
I'm going to go out and find itright, there might not be and
there might not be that like inearlier stages, it's like, oh my
gosh, if I'm not having this,like I've all this, you know,
for man, like all this intensitybuilt up in my body and I got
to release it and there's likekind of that, that motivation.
(17:08):
But because we see so much valuearound what pleasure is doing
to heal and what pleasure isdoing to keep a relationship
strong, my message largely isthat, like, even if, like, that
drive is not as strong, theimportance for living a healthy
life you know, being the healthyliving podcast, right, like one
of the things I'm building alecture around right now is some
(17:29):
of the research around oxytocinto reset dopamine addiction.
Sure, right, and I imagine thishas come up in your podcast
before because it's such acommon thing right?
It's like our phones, all thedevices, all the push
notifications.
It's crazy.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I'm all about that.
I have a botanical garden thatwe use for therapeutic
horticulture and a lot of thatis just resetting and you know
the nature, the nature bath justgo outside and, you know, turn
it all off and listen to thebirds, go and reset yourself a
little bit.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
It's good stuff, exactly the digital detox right,
Like like actually taking abreak from technology.
And so, when it comes to theimportance of pleasure, like one
of the things I often say ispleasure is not just about
desire, but something we require.
Desire but something we require, and that is because what I see
around like, oh, the ability ofusing pleasure as a way of
(18:23):
healing, you know, as a way ofhealing ourselves, as a way of
helping our partner heal, as away of connection, all that that
I do think like, yes, we wantto always figure out what the
physical root causes are.
If there are some hormones,pelvic floor, circulation,
neurological right, stress,these common things that can
drive that libido down.
What the physical root causesare, if there are some hormones,
(18:43):
pelvic floor, circulation,neurological right, stress,
these common things that candrive that libido down, we do
want to see those, but then wealso have to work with the
biggest sex organ, which is thebrain, to say how can we
actually be motivated toprioritize this?
Speaker 1 (18:53):
even if it's just once a week.
I was going to mention thatword.
Prioritize.
I think you know people getfocused on health and they go
okay.
Well, let's see, I need to getout and work out, I need to eat.
Well, I need to sleep.
You know the sort of the, youknow the ones that everybody
goes to, but you know, if youthink about, there's other
priorities that are maybeequally as important.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
Yeah, exactly, and like an exercise that I do for a
lot of people at the start ofmy work is this is make a values
list and in the values listwrite down all the top values
and, kind of like, prioritizethem.
So you know most people havelike partner, kids, career, you
know kind of at the top, Sure,so that's common right.
(19:38):
So you just make your valueslist, prioritize it, you know,
in value order, and then youdraw a separate thing which is a
pie chart, and you make 24pieces of the pie to represent
24 hours in the day and you'regoing to, you know, probably
write, sleep, hopefully forseven to nine of them like some
people less, some people moreRight, Right, and into nine of
them like some people less, somepeople more right, and then
(20:00):
fill in the rest of the hours,the rest of the pieces of the
pie, with what you spend yourtime on on an average day.
And what you're doing is you'recomparing your values list to
your pie chart.
And what's very interesting forpeople when they do this is
oftentimes because of life,because of like they do.
This is oftentimes because oflife because of like, not just
(20:21):
like, not actually prioritizingand not actually putting this,
that intention, in that what wevalue the most, oftentimes our
partner is actually not even inthe chart on a day-to-day basis,
or maybe they get a 15 minuteslot right.
And that's not sustainable.
Like, yes, we have to work, wehave to take care of the kids,
we have to do do all the things,but if we don't have some days
where it's chunk left over, thatthat you have expendable time,
(20:43):
and I think a lot of peoplespend it scrolling on their
phones or doing stupid crap.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
That doesn't give you anything back exactly, exactly.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
So.
It's really like one of thefirst things I find is like
awareness and with that, that,once, like you, like people,
have that aha moment around,like, wow, I say this is what I
value the most, but my actionsdon't match it, right, that can
be a huge aha moment to say, oh,wow, I really do value this
relationship and now I need tomake sure that that relationship
(21:14):
has a piece in my day-to-daypie.
Speaker 1 (21:17):
Nice.
So I always kind of.
As you know, I was born in the60s and I lived in a totally
different world than you grew upin.
It's, you know there were nocomputers.
We had interactions that werejust what you did, right, you
know you spent time with people.
(21:37):
You worked things out.
You got in a fight, you figuredyou did.
Right, you know you spent timewith people, you, you, you work
things out.
You got in a fight.
You you figured it out, right,you didn't.
You know there wasn't this sortof virtual lives that we live
today and there was also not theinformation that there was
today.
So things you know, like pornoand fantasy things, they were
(21:59):
taboo.
You know there was littletheaters on the seedy corners
but, you know, in a magazine,here and there, but there wasn't
like today, it's everywhere,it's everything, it's, it's the,
the.
The moral boundaries have beenblurred to a point where it
doesn't matter how you wereraised.
You could be Amish or you couldbe, you know, a Satanist, and
(22:21):
it really you're going to getexposed to the same stuff.
And you know sex is everywhere,the you know, in music, in
advertising, the Internet's justriddled with it.
You can't do a search onanything without some porno site
coming up, unless you reallytry to avoid it.
(22:41):
I got to think that that hassome kind of an impact on the
dynamic of people today.
What's your thoughts?
Speaker 2 (22:53):
I mean, there's two things I would say about that.
First of all, before I jumpinto that, absolutely, you're
absolutely right, it impacts thedynamics.
And then, more specifically,what's crazy is how easy it is
to access those things.
And then, for people like methat are really, you know,
really talking about a healthysex life and really preaching,
(23:15):
how can we do this in a way thatis like ethical and loving and
and really looking at this fromlike the health side of things?
It's very, very hard for me toadvertise, and my colleagues,
that I talk about the same thing.
So it's like there's thisdisconnect in what we're being
shown around.
We get shown, you know, pornsites and all these things, and
that's a different conversationfor when it's healthy, when it's
(23:37):
not which way I will have acomment on in a moment but we're
shown all those things and thenwe're not shown, I feel like,
the equal amount of like how dowe utilize this to make
relationships better and how dowe utilize this to make
relationships thrive?
And there's like that side ofthings that's still hidden.
So we're not being shown bothsides of the coin, the other big
(23:58):
thing to comment on with theease of access to some of this,
as I think the biggest detrimentthat we with things like the
porn industry is that people donot easily disassociate like
unassociate, uncouple it withfrom reality.
So like the example I givesometimes is that we're not
(24:20):
going to watch like a DC movieand think that, oh, just because
we see Superman, we can fly.
Speaker 1 (24:26):
Right, we automatically realize that
that's fiction and it'sentertaining and it's fun.
You can get lost in it for awhile.
Speaker 2 (24:35):
And the brain differentiates that very easily
fiction from reality.
But when it comes to porn,which is fantasy, it's fiction,
it's entertainment, it's notreality.
The brain, unfortunately,doesn't do that.
And you know so many people arethinking that their sex lives
needs, you know, should belooking like that, that that is
like how a woman responds, thatthat is how a man should
(24:57):
approach a woman, that that ishow they should be together, of
what passion tends to look likeon either side of the occasion.
And so it's like I think peoplein relationships it's so easy
to compare themselves to likethis perfect ideal, you know and
air quotes for those that arelistening that never is gonna
(25:19):
exist, because it's truly moreof fantasy and entertainment
than reality.
And I think that's one of thebiggest detriments that the
industry has to people.
If it can be looked at as likefantasy, that's one of the
biggest detriments that theindustry has to people.
If it can be looked at as likefantasy, that's a totally
different thing, but that's howit needs to be approached.
Speaker 1 (25:32):
That makes sense.
That makes good sense.
You're a published author.
Why don't you tell us a littlebit about your work?
Speaker 2 (25:40):
Yeah, a few different things.
So I have one of mybest-selling books is it's Not
in your Mind?
That's my book about Lyme andmold and chronic illness.
I have a e-book that people canactually get for free on the
five best ways to enhanceorgasms and romance.
You can get that athotterlifecom.
That's a really cool book.
(26:01):
And then I'm working on athree-part series on libido and
love and the first part will bereleased in late this year.
That is called Want to Want itand so, yeah, if you go and you
download my free book athotterlifecom, I'll definitely
let people know when the freeone comes out.
But really a lot of my work andthat's coming out in this
(26:22):
three-part series is looking atthe physical reasons for low
libido.
So again, at libidoquizcom youcan find those as well, but I'll
go through that in the book.
The second book is looking atthe personal reasons for low
libido.
So this is where it comes to,like body image and shame and
how do we feel about sex and dowe even know our own body?
Can we even tell our partnerlike, hey, these are my turn-ons
(26:44):
, can we name it?
And then the third book islooking at the interpersonal,
which is how do we actually showup with our partner?
Are we prioritizing it?
How do we communicate, givingtools for better communication
around it and those sorts ofthings?
So, yeah, all of that to come.
Speaker 1 (27:01):
It's a broad body of work.
I guess we're running to theend of things, but I always like
to hear, like if you had onepiece of advice for everybody,
what do you think it would be?
Speaker 2 (27:16):
For everybody in the libido world.
Speaker 1 (27:19):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (27:20):
Yeah, the biggest thing I would say in long-term
relationships is the importanceof scheduling it and making it.
You know that priority and wetalked about the priority, so
it's anything more there.
But it's interesting in theconversation around scheduling
intimacy because so many peopleare like, well, I want this to
be a spontaneous.
It should be spontaneous andhere's what I have to say to
(27:40):
that when we start dating, welike in the beginning, when
everything is that newrelationship, energy and there's
all that passion and thathotness and all that and there's
also not all the other stuff.
Yes.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
You know, you barely know each other, so you have
fewer things in common, you havefewer shared experiences.
You have fewer problems.
You have fewer.
Speaker 2 (28:02):
Everything Correct and here's the other thing with
that is that we scheduled itback then and that's why people
don't realize it.
It's like you have your datenight and you're like when do
you start you?
Speaker 1 (28:11):
know what's going to happen.
Speaker 2 (28:12):
Yeah, you know what's going to happen and you like
put on your special clothes andmaybe your special panties and
your special boxers, and you,you know, you put on your
cologne and your perfume and youlook, you do all the things.
Actually had a plan of this iswhere this is probably going,
and it's only when we move intogether and we combine our
lives we share keys, we sharekids, we share expenses, we
(28:33):
share so many things that all ofa sudden we think we don't have
to schedule it.
But when you schedule it, whatit does is it makes it a
priority and you can have, stillhave tons of spontaneous you
know times too.
It's not like it's not likeit's at the expense of the
spontaneity, but what it does isit helps to like get you back
into some of that like likedating state where it's like, oh
(28:54):
yeah, we have a date we'regoing to like, we're going to
actually have this as part ofour, our intimate night.
So I'm going to clear myschedule, I'm going to get my
mind right, I'm going to dropwhatever by circling around in
my mind that I have to solve andI'm going to actually give this
time to fully show up to mypartner.
It can do wonders.
And there's nothing else inlife that if you practice over
(29:19):
and over and over again, itwould get worse.
So practice something over andover again, it should get better
.
And if you need help.
let me know I can help you.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
I love it.
I love it.
Well, I think not only that,but there's the anticipation of
something when you, when youknow something's coming that's
going to be good, you lookforward to it and you get extra,
extra brain chemicals, you know.
Speaker 2 (29:43):
Exactly.
It gives you something to flirtabout.
It gives you something to thinkabout.
You know exactly.
It gives you something to flirtabout.
It gives you something to thinkabout.
There's so many different waysyou can use this to fuel more
passion.
It doesn't have to be boring.
Speaker 1 (29:56):
And in fact I find it to be anything but Absolutely
Well.
This has been a rivetingconversation and I know you've
already thrown out some websitestuff, but I know if probably a
bunch of listeners are going towant to say, hey, I want to, I
want to learn more, I want tomaybe reach out.
So how would they get ahold ofyou?
Speaker 2 (30:10):
Yeah, I mean, really the easiest thing is to go to
libidoquizcom or hotterlifecomto get those two freebies and
then, once you go there, you'llsee how to contact me and all
that and super easy and justreach out and we'll put you in
touch with any of our our work.
That would be supportive.
Speaker 1 (30:25):
Fantastic.
Well, diane, it's been apleasure with this conversation
and I think the listeners aregoing to find it fascinating,
and thank you for being with us.
Speaker 2 (30:36):
Thank you Joe, thank you everybody.
Speaker 1 (30:38):
Excellent.
This has been another editionof the Healthy Living Podcast.
I'm your host, Joe Grumbine.
We thank you for your supportand we will see you next time.
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