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Brittany Gordine shares her powerful journey through body dysmorphia and eating disorders, revealing how her struggles began and the factors that contributed to her disordered eating. She discusses her experiences in treatment centers and the limitations of traditional methods, emphasizing the need for a paradigm shift in mental health and eating disorder treatment. Brittany advocates for addressing underlying emotional and energetic issues, highlighting the transformative power of natural healing modalities such as trauma healing, energy work, sound healing, joyous movement, and healthy community. She underscores the importance of embracing anger and setting boundaries as part of the healing process. Join us as we delve into Brittany's story of resilience and self-discovery.
About Brittany:
Brittany Gordien is a Quantum Healing + Holographic Sound Healing practitioner and coach. Her programs empower individuals, couples and corporate wellness teams to activate their innate healing abilities, so they can experience a life of vitality and wholeness. This work includes elements of BodyTalk, BodyIntuitive, LifeStyle Design + Mindset Coaching, Reiki, Shamanic Rituals, and Holographic Sound Healing.
Her 1:1 Embodied Alchemy Well-Being 3-month journey of transformation will invite you into a deep process of unravelling limiting belief systems, daily rituals + practices, trapped memories, trauma and subconscious energetic blocks … to heal the body, elevate the mind and connect deeper spiritually. To learn more about her offerings for 1:1 work - email her at brittanygordien@gmail.com.
Follow her on instagram @brittanygordien and @thelionessleague.
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CREDITS:
Introduction script: Jessica Tardy
Introduction mix and master: Ed Arnold
Theme Song: "Heart Light" by Jenee Halstead and Dave Brophy
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This podcast is presented solely for entertainment and education purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, psychotherapist, or any other qualified professional. We shall in no event be held liable to any party for any reason arising directly or indirectly for the use or interpretation of the information presented in this audio. Copyright 2024, Heart Light Media, LLC - All rights reserved.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jenee (00:06):
Welcome to the Heartlight Sessions, a podcast
about light working your waythrough dark times.
I'm Janae Halstead.
I'm a singer-songwriter,holistic vocal coach, intuitive
guide and plant medicinefacilitator.
I'm also a survivor ofchildhood abuse, autoimmune
issues and my 30s.
I'm also a survivor ofchildhood abuse, autoimmune
issues and my 30s.
I'm on a lifelong healingjourney and, along the way, I
(00:28):
want to share the ideas andteachings that rock my world.
Every week on HeartlightSessions, I call in artists,
healers and thinkers to explorewhat's helped them live and
thrive from a heart-centeredplace, because the heart, it's
where the best things happen.
If you've ever wondered how tounlock your biggest
(00:51):
breakthroughs or how to comeback from that stuff that tried
to kill you, you know the stuffI'm talking about, the stuff
that's supposed to make youstronger.
Or if you've ever wondered howto just do you straight from the
heart, you're in the rightplace.
So join me, won't you?
Let's turn on that heart light.
Hi Hi, welcome to Heart Light.
Brittany (01:22):
Thank you.
Jenee (01:22):
Yeah, heartlight Sessions.
So I have Brittany Gordine withme and she's super inspiration
in my life.
She's a healer, I would saylike a quantum healer, a mermaid
.
She does corporate wellness andwhat else.
(01:45):
Oh, oh where to begin.
Brittany (01:47):
So I am a quantum energy healing and holographic
sound healing practitioner.
I do a lot of one-on-one workwith both men, women, couples,
and then also a lot of corporatewellness um events and
workshops and ways to kind ofbring in more holistic lifestyle
practices and energetic hygienepractices for optimizing all
(02:13):
things within the corporateworld.
And then with you, I'm a part ofthis amazing group called the
Sonoran Sound Journey, which isa sound healing collective of
many different practitioners whoall have different talents,
coming together around differentenergetic seasonal shifts
(02:34):
Usually we do the equinoxes, thesolstices, to bring together
the ceremony of cacao and sound.
Jenee (02:41):
Yeah, I like to say we're in a band together, we're
in a band I haven't been in aband since college and this is
awesome.
We're in a band together.
So, yeah, it's been amazing andum for for me, like the, I
think, seeing you on instagramand I, of course, like I would
(03:02):
joke around that I I watch your,your workouts, uh, because I
find them incredibly inspiringand it's like that's like my
goal in 2024.
I'm like, I'm gonna be like I'mliving through you right now.
Um, but also you startedtalking on Instagram about your
story with body dysmorphia and Iwas like blown away by your
(03:31):
story and just the vulnerabilitythat it took to share that.
I'd never seen anyone sharetheir story like that and I just
wanted to kind of hand it overto you to talk about like.
And I just wanted to kind ofhand it over to you to talk
about like, how did this start?
When did it start?
And we can sort of flow theconversation and yeah.
(03:53):
Thank you, thank you forwitnessing me through the
Instagram portal.
Brittany (03:59):
It's actually a very new thing for me to be super
intimate with my life andsharing on Instagram.
I actually went the last twoyears prior to this year, not on
Instagram at all, you'll see abig gap.
If you look at my page, I wascompletely, completely off
social media and a part of thatwas because I was for a year in
(04:21):
an eating disorder treatmentjourney and it was horrific.
So the story you know it's kindof long and complex of how it
came to be.
I think that you know as a kidjust having different
experiences where people makecomments about your body or you,
you know, develop differentbelief systems and go on diets
(04:43):
and have different standards ofbeauty or ways in which you give
yourself love or nourishyourself, based on some concept
of how your body needs to be.
I definitely struggled withthat at different points
throughout my life.
But I wouldn't call it aneating disorder, I would call it
just being a fucking girl andthinking about you know, oh, I
(05:06):
want to weigh this amount or Iwant to work out in this way or
eat this diet or whatever, and Ithink that that's just a very
pervasive collectiveconversation.
Um, that we grew up as justnormal.
Jenee (05:17):
You know I.
Brittany (05:18):
I grew up seeing that on TV, I heard it within my
family, I had it within myfriend groups, right.
So I would say for the majorityof my life, like I was pretty
healthy when I was 14, I gotreally, really, really depressed
.
My family basketball team,president of the volunteer club,
like all the things you knowstraight A student kind of
(05:40):
person to not wanting to get outof bed and go to high school
and I just like shut downemotionally and physically.
And after going to like a numberof different doctors, there was
nothing physically wrong withme.
So then it started going intothe psychiatrist, psychologist
(06:03):
route, like why, is, why is shenot wanting to get out of bed?
Why is she so tired?
Why is she, you know, just notfeeling happy?
She has everything going forher.
And so when I was 14, I startedgetting um, diagnosed with
depression and anxiety andmedicated for it.
And that's where I think, adistorted connection to my body
(06:25):
and to its signals, to itsemotions, to how to cope, of
energy and a empath of energyand to be working with energy.
(06:47):
So I was overwhelmed by mysensitivity and by my gifts and
by my visions and by my dreams,and I just didn't know how to
process that.
Wow, so, yeah.
So through that medicationjourney, I ended up getting
prescribed a medication for ADHDcalled Vyvanse, and not a lot
of people that I've talked toknow about it, the more like
(07:09):
street drug, it's like theAdderall, and one of the main
side effects of those types ofdrugs in the methamphetamine
category is suppressed appetite.
And so, all of a sudden, I waslike taking this drug that made
me feel happy, made me feel high, and it made me not want to eat
and I liked that feeling, Iliked that high and I became
(07:33):
very addicted to it, um,disconnected because this other
substance was dictating mybehaviors right Around food and
around nourishment and around myconcept of like, feeling okay.
It's like you know, I'm notfeeling okay today.
(07:54):
I'm not feeling energized, I'mnot feeling happy.
Oh, just pop that pill andeverything's fine Right.
And that lasted for you know, afew years until my spirit and
my soul started to take over.
I had one of my firstexperiences with a really
intense mental, emotional,spiritual breakdown where I was
(08:16):
just crying and didn't know whyI was feeling so overwhelmed and
I just got this download, whichI didn't even know what a
download was at the time I waslike I need to go somewhere
spiritual and I needto get off this medication.
Like immediately, how old wereyou?
I was 21, okay, this was rightafter I graduated college, wow,
and I, um, I found this place inSedona, arizona, which I'd
(08:41):
never heard of Sed, which I'dnever heard of Sedona, I'd never
heard of energy vortexes.
I was very not in that realm atthat time and I immediately
booked a trip.
I'm like I'm going theretomorrow and I skipped a trip to
Vegas to go to Sedona.
Wow, perfect, yeah, and Istarted to um get myself off of
that medication.
Then, um, it took a few years.
(09:03):
Those medications are extremelythey're extremely addictive and
it can be very debilitatingprocess to go through that detox
.
But I was able to do it and Istarted studying energy healing
and sound healing and fitnessand just got into a really
healthy lifestyle.
(09:24):
My body and everything feltreally aligned.
I was in a relationship at thetime that I thought was like my
most dream relationship, that Icould ever imagine.
And I launched my energy healingbusiness, my sound healing
business.
I was completely booked out,like everything was flowing.
My program at the time wascalled Bliss Body Goddess and I
(09:45):
just felt like I was on top ofthe world.
And so when this eatingdisorder started to come into my
experience, it was about threeyears after, like first
launching my business, and I wasdating this person at the time
who was a personal trainer, andwhen I met him I was probably
like 120 pounds and I'm 5'4", soit was like, you know, kind of
(10:08):
a normal weight for me and feltlike pretty healthy and I, um I
started working out with him alot.
Um, I noticed his um sort ofattraction to women with more of
a bodybuilder type of physique.
And um, you know, he would justmake comments about certain
(10:29):
things with my body.
That would plant seeds around myconcept of what beautiful was
and I slowly, just over time,over about two years of like
getting really intoweightlifting, um got super
disconnected from like femininemovement and dance and singing
and like playing and I was justlike militant, like wake up 6 am
(10:50):
, two hours in the gym, wow.
And you know I lost a lot ofweight and it wasn't so much
like intentional, I think itjust happened over time.
Time and then as I started toget down to like a lower body
(11:11):
weight, I um I was doing reallyintense shamanic energy work and
my mentor at the time.
You know he had warned me he'slike.
You know, if you, if you gointo these realms of these
higher levels of consciousness,like as much light and angels
and like blissful things,there's also a lot of shadows.
There's also a lot of people'sparasitic, you know forces or
unconscious things and you needto protect yourself.
Jenee (11:34):
And so part of that protection was like well, not
only energetic, but having morebody weight.
Was that one of his concerns,or yeah?
Brittany (11:43):
Well, I think that you know.
So I went from 120 pounds downto about 105 pounds and and it
wasn't through like changing,like my, my food didn't really
change.
It was that, I think, just likeweightlifting.
So much.
Um, I would say I was on theborderline of like orthorexia,
where I had a concept of whatwas healthy and organic and high
(12:05):
vibe and like eating a certainkind of way, but I had many
foods that I would not eat.
Jenee (12:10):
Um, can you?
Can you define what ortho?
I don't know what that is.
Brittany (12:14):
So, okay so um, in the eating disorder kind of lexicon
of um, you know differentcategories of disorders.
There's like anorexia, which islike starving yourself, not
eating.
Um binge eating, where you eatto the point of making yourself
sick.
Um.
There's bulimia, where youforce yourself to throw up or
(12:39):
purge after eating.
And then orthorexia is likeyou're so restrictive of what it
is that you eat but you have aconcept of it being healthy, so
it doesn't seem as though it's adisorder.
So it's very complex becauseI've heard a lot of other women
in you know the wellness spacewho you know have like organic
cookbooks and like all thesethings of a lens through which
(13:00):
seeing something as being supergood for your body.
But if you cannot like take abite of birthday cake at your
birthday party without likehaving a freak out about it,
then it's a little, maybe tooextreme.
So I think I was kind of onthat level.
Jenee (13:15):
Yeah, I feel like I had probably five years of that kind
of behavior.
That was really like I didn'tknow the name for it.
It's really interesting, youknow, but I definitely myself
questioned that like, wow, thisis a there's something not right
about this.
So the pictures of you thatI've seen, that you've posted
(13:35):
there, they're pretty shocking,to be honest.
And so was that around thattime that you were, you know,
doing the heavy weightlifting,you were about 105?
Brittany (13:48):
Yeah, so the pictures you've probably seen are when I
got down to 87 pounds.
Jenee (13:53):
Wow, which is my lowest weight, wow, so I went from 105
in the end of 2020.
Brittany (14:01):
Then I took a 20-day trip to Tulum and everything in
my body right before that tripwas like this is not going to be
a good trip for me.
Like I just feel like it's goingto end my relationship.
I'm, everything in my body isjust not wanting to go, but like
something was calling us to go,and during that trip I um
(14:22):
started to feel what felt like aparasite in my stomach.
It was a sensation that hadkind of been lingering for a
little while.
I know now much more about whatenergetic parasites are, even
more than physical.
So you know, within the workthat I was doing, I would feel
at times with certain clients,during certain sessions, that
(14:43):
there was such a cord of energythat was being sucked into my
field because I did not have anawareness of strong boundaries.
I was so overwhelmed with theamount of work that I was doing
that my spiritual hygiene gotmessy and I was just vulnerable
and susceptible to a lot ofparasitic energetic feelings
that felt as though I was beingdrained.
(15:03):
So during that trip to Tulumfor 20 days, I think I probably
lost another like seven or eightpounds during that trip.
I lost my menstrual cycleduring that trip.
The whole trip itself was likeextremely stressful.
It was not a vacation on anylevel.
For anyone who's called to orhas been to Tulum, it's
(15:25):
definitely a portal and can stirup a lot of things, and for me
it ended up being kind of likean awakening of a dark night of
the soul.
Um.
So when I got back I feltsomething like almost like a I
don't I describe it as like acurse, like I felt like
something so strongly shifted inmy frequency, in my mind, in my
(15:48):
thought patterns, like I Iliterally had kind of like a
breakdown at the um Chichen Itzapyramid and like I just felt,
like I came back from that triplike different, like something
was different in my vibe thatwas like not me and I started
having these episodes of bingeeating.
So I would wake up in the middleof the night and like have this
(16:10):
insatiable desire to eat a tonof food and then obviously wake
up in the morning feeling reallynot good, because eating in the
middle of the night's not idealfor your sleep or for your
digestion.
And this binge eating thenwould trigger me to want to get
that food out of my body.
So I would take laxatives or Iwould drink a lot of coffee,
(16:32):
like something to like purge notthrow up, but like get it out
of my body.
And so that sort of binge purgecycle started to be a daily
pattern that literally like tookover every aspect of my mind,
because when you're consuminglarge amounts of food and I was
also binging on foods that werenot healthy I went from, like
(16:57):
orthorexia, super healthy tobeing in these binge disorder
episodes where I would beliterally like at Wendy's,
eating four Frosties at 7 am no.
Yeah.
So I went from bliss bodygoddess, like holistic queen,
blah, blah, blah to likeliterally like a depressive
episode, eating Wendy's Frostiesat 7 am, which, for someone who
(17:19):
has detoxed their body and doneso much work like I've been
doing different kinds of energyhealing, shamanic work, therapy,
like fitness.
I've done so much work LikeI've been doing different kinds
of energy healing, shamanic work, therapy, like fitness I've
been doing all these things forlike 20 years so for my body to
go from that to fast food at 7amin a binging episode was
overwhelming to every part of mysystem.
(17:40):
And so that's kind of how I Istarted like going into these
like stressful cycles where Iwould binge eat early in the
morning and then I wouldn't eatthe rest of the day because I
felt so sick and I felt sodisoriented and like if you eat,
you know, 500 grams of sugarfrom Wendy's late, you're going
to feel a little fucked up.
Yeah, so, um, I ended up havingmultiple episodes.
(18:00):
I ended up having multipleepisodes where I felt so out of
control of my behavior, I feltso out of control of my body, I
felt so out of hope of like howcould this be happening to me?
How can I go from like thislife that I had to this that I
(18:22):
would have not like suicidalideation, but I would make
comments like I don't want tofucking live anymore, like I
cannot live like this, and thatreally scared people who love me
, especially my parents, and Ihad multiple episodes where they
called the police and forced meto go to a mental hospital for
the night.
When you make those sorts ofcomments like they can bring in
(18:46):
the authorities.
That in itself was adevastating experience, you know
, for me to be within thatmatrix and see what treatment
looks like for people withmental health disorders and that
then put me on a journey ofkind of surrendering to an
intervention for my familyaround going into eating
(19:08):
disorder treatment.
Jenee (19:09):
Wow, how old were you at this?
Brittany (19:10):
point I was 33.
Okay, so this was in 2021.
Okay, wow, so the bingingstarted.
The binging started at the likebeginning of 2021, after I got
back from Tulum, and then itjust crept all throughout that
year and then by November, I wasgoing into treatment.
Wow, and were you still withthis guy at that point?
(19:32):
We were, and he was reallyconfused as to what was
happening and I think that hedid the best that he knew how to
do, like it, but I also feelthat he could have done more to
(20:10):
support my journey and be therein different ways that he wasn't
there.
And you know, something I wantto talk about during this
episode is the relationshipbetween codependency and
addiction, and eating disorders,so I didn't know it at the time
, but like we had a verycodependent relationship on many
levels that was super drainingand ways in which I allowed
(20:33):
boundaries within myself to becrossed within that partnership.
That led to me losing moreweight and like succumbing to
certain perspectives or energydrains.
Like I you know, every time hesaid oh, your thigh gap's so
sexy or your muscles in yourveins are so beautiful, or
you're you know, like thatplanted seeds of dysmorphia.
(20:56):
And then there was like afinancial drain component in
ways in which he wanted me to bea sugar mama.
That, you know, wasn'tnecessarily a very helpful
energy for someone who wasstruggling at that time.
And, yeah, so when I went totreatment it was pretty much
like the end of our relationshipand he kind of bowed out at
(21:18):
that point which says a lot, anddid you go voluntarily?
I went voluntarily but it wasalmost like I felt so cornered
into doing it.
I have all of this awarenessabout how true healing happens
because of the work that I'vedone and the work that I do with
(21:39):
other people, and I could seewhat the lens of consciousness
at these treatment centers justbased on having phone calls with
them prior to going in, was andI'm like I'm not going to heal
here.
I'm absolutely like not going toheal here, but I didn't have
another option.
I didn't know where else to go.
I now know and I could kind offeel it when I was there, but
(22:01):
like I now see, it was somemajor like shamanist initiation
to go deeply, deeply, deeplydeeply into that world like
embody the hell of that world.
Jenee (22:14):
Wow.
Brittany (22:14):
Because there is a major paradigm shift that needs
to happen within the realm ofmental health and eating
disorder treatment Usuallythings that are covered by
insurance, because it is not aplace where healing is happening
.
I met so many women and men whohave been in a merry-go-round
of treatment centers for years,years and years and years, and I
(22:36):
have friends who have passedaway in treatment.
So it's not working.
It's not working the way thattreatment in a more Western
model is addressed, and I knowthat a big part of my mission is
to create a change in that withmy voice, my story, my
(22:57):
transformation, my knowledgethat I embody with more healing
principles.
And so when I was in treatment,I like shipped in sound bowls
and taught yoga and like we'redoing classes on, you know, on
energy healing and body talk andlike all of the things that I
know that so many people withinthat world and you know a lot of
(23:18):
people that I met that Iprobably never would have met
otherwise.
Um, I my first three treatmentcenters.
I went to four.
Wow, my first three were eatingdisorder specific.
So everyone in there wasworking on an eating disorder.
It was extremely unsuccessfulfor me.
I did not gain any weight.
I did not get anything buttraumatized in there to be,
(23:40):
honest as much as there werebeautiful people with beautiful
intentions.
If my therapist is at 8 am andthis is no judgment towards her
or towards that facility but ifshe's eating Taco Bell at 8 am,
trying to talk to me aboutnutrition and say, hey, we just
want to get you on thismedication.
(24:00):
That's going to make you gainweight really fast and then
you'll be better.
Jenee (24:03):
And.
Brittany (24:03):
I'm like this has nothing to do with the weight.
It has nothing to do withweight, like this is a
consciousness, energetic, likedrain, that is happening within
my system and going back to kindof like the lack of boundaries
and parasites and things.
I literally felt like I had twovoices in my head, like a voice
of, like this dark thing, likewanting to do these behaviors.
(24:25):
That was not me, and then thehigher self, me, that like knows
what's good for me, right?
So like why would I be choosingthese things?
And you know, within theshamanic world there's this
concept of entities, yes, and Ifelt and had a confirmation from
many people who are very intune with that ability to see
(24:46):
that that's what I had.
So me trying to explain that,of course, within these type of
treatment centers, they justgive you a new diagnosis with a
new antipsychotic and a new wayof numbing that thought away,
when I know that that wasn't thetruth of what I was
experiencing.
Jenee (25:01):
So interesting, you know um, to do the energy work and
to be a practitioner, and thenyou know not, it's.
It's hard often, like aspractitioners of energy work, to
be able to see our own um, beable to see our own um, you know
(25:25):
, need and our own health and um.
And especially if, like some ofthose like structures of
energetic hygiene and boundariesare not in place and a lot, of,
a lot of um healers and empathsget into the work because they
just want to help the world,they're so empathic and
especially when you're startingout, and so, of course, like you
(25:46):
know, it's this twofold thingwhere I feel like it pushed you
into your initiation path.
You know, and also just the,you know the, you know the, the
big unspoken thing that canhappen with healers um is this,
this drain of the parasiticdrain.
(26:08):
And I, for me, like when I wasstarting out on the path and I
was actually going to a lot ofhealers to heal and um, a lot of
the healers I met wereextremely overweight, so it's
also like that sort of caregiverthing.
And one of my teachers that Iended up training with I was
(26:28):
like she was just very outwardabout it and she was like I put
on this weight to protect myselfenergetically.
Brittany (26:39):
Yeah, I've seen that a lot too.
It can you know the weightthing.
It's like it can go both ways.
Right there, you're drained andyou lose a bunch of weight,
which is, um, what my experiencewas.
Or a lot of people who you know, don't know how to protect
themselves otherwise, likecreate that physical barrier Yep
.
Jenee (26:56):
Yeah, so you're in and out, so you're like you're in
your fourth.
Brittany (27:01):
I got kicked out of a lot of centers, because uh, you
know it's such an insurance game.
Okay so you know there's.
There's all these treatmentcenters that are kind of like
the standard um within theindustry, that are covered by
most insurance.
Then there's the like $50,000 amonth, you know, go to Sedona
on a private like private, likeepic retreat, I wasn't in the
(27:23):
space to make that investment.
I almost did and like just blewmy savings on, you know, saving
my life.
But I went the insurance routeand within these spaces you have
a protocol from a dieticiandietician very different than a
nutritionist by the waydietician, a therapist, a
(27:47):
psychiatrist, and whatever planthey make for what they identify
is recovery for you, you mustfollow, and if you do not follow
that plan you get a ding andtoo many dings, you get kicked
out.
Too many kicks out, you don'tget any treatment.
Wow.
So I was in a war with my team.
(28:08):
Okay, who was trying to?
You know my dietician.
She was like, okay, we're justgoing to put you on a protocol
of 5,000 calories a day andyou're going to eat these shakes
that have a ton of sugar andseed oils and like things that
are literally.
She didn't say this, but I waslike, literally, if I drink one
of those shakes, because I triedit, I was like you're gonna be
dead.
I'm going to have a panic attackbecause of the sugar and the
(28:30):
inflammation and like my bodydoesn't do well with certain.
You know ingredients becauseI've detoxed enough to know what
works for my system and whatdoesn't.
She's like, well, you eitherdrink the shake or, you know,
get the ding.
And so then you know.
And the food in these treatmentcenters there was different
levels for different treatmentcenters that I was in, but I
(28:51):
mean some of them.
They would literally like haveyou sit in your room with Pizza
Hut or McDonald's and like youwould have to eat it no, yeah,
no.
Room with Pizza Hut orMcDonald's and like you would
have to eat it no, yeah, no.
And like they called it like afear food challenge and like if
you didn't do it then you wouldhave to sit and like write a
(29:11):
report.
Or they call these like theyhave these like meal replacement
shakes and you would have todrink those if you didn't do the
thing.
Like there was just crazy levelthings that you know on their
lens of what they're addressing.
It's like oh for someone who'ssuper on a diet.
And like McDonald's hamburgersand French fries like scares
(29:33):
them into gaining weight.
We're going to get you throughthat fear.
We're going to get you throughyour fear food and just sit in
your room and eat that, and soit's just the, the, the level of
ways in which healing wasapproached.
Um, on the food level, and then, like the daily food to food,
it was like honey nut Cheeriosfor breakfast with soy milk and
I'm like, um, I can't eat eitherone of those things without
(29:55):
like having major inflammationin my stomach Cause I don't do
gluten, I don't do sugar, Idon't like processed food and I
can't do soy milk.
So can we try something else?
And like, there was no budgemost days.
And then there's the, the wholepsychiatry route, right.
So if you're superenergetically sensitive, you can
see shit that other peoplecan't see.
(30:15):
You can see auras, you can seepast lives, you can have these
prophetic dreams like verymystical, you know kind of ways
of being able to see energy andbeyond this realm.
In that world.
You are crazy, right, right.
So they have pills for that,right.
And so that got forced onto memultiple times, where it's like
(30:39):
antidepressant, anti-anxiety,and then the antipsychotic,
because one of the side effectsof antipsychotics is that it
makes you gain a lot of weight,and to the point where people
are overweight, right, and ifyou're 87 pounds.
Their whole concept of whatrecovery means for you is
getting you to 115 pounds, likethat, to them, was what equaled
(31:02):
healing.
I could have been 150 poundsand not dealt with the true
issue beyond the weight, whichis how healing really happens
right.
So I, you know, because of myhistory with the Vyvanse and
being on medication and beingoff medication for almost 10
years, when this all happened Iwas like I'm not taking your
(31:24):
medication so you can write areport to my insurance and kick
me the fuck out, cause I'm notgoing to do that to my body,
like I'm not going to numb mysuperpowers of being able to see
things that you can't see, andobviously like I was kind of a
black sheep in that realm,because not everyone you know
(31:45):
outside of that realm I'm aroundmystics and energy healers and
priestesses and goddesses whoare like yeah, of course, duh
like we do that all the time.
Right, exactly, and shamans.
But in that realm I was LooneyTunes, so I got kicked out of
one.
They sent me.
I went from California, I cameto Arizona, to Wickenburg, which
(32:08):
I say is where they send thewicked people.
If you've never been toWickenburg, it's a vibe there,
wow, wow.
So that was.
I call it like a combinationbetween jail, rehab and a
hospital.
That's kind of what it feltlike.
Wow.
So that was.
I call it like a combinationbetween jail, rehab and a
hospital.
That's kind of what it feltlike, wow.
So I'm sleeping, you know, in aroom with four girls on feeding
tubes.
Everyone's on medication.
(32:28):
No, you get woken up at six inthe morning to immediately get
on a scale, have your fingerpricked, stand in a medication
line, just like I mean.
It was crazy.
I felt like I was in a movie.
I went from literally living inthis like fancy beautiful home
in what I call like the BeverlyHills of Portland, called Lake
(32:50):
Oswego.
So yeah, I was in this likefancy whole life, to being like
in a gown, like a hospital gown,having someone like poke at my
body every day and having to eatwhatever bullshit they were
giving me, having them want toforce medication on me every
single moment, and you know, I?
(33:10):
I want to say that I met somany beautiful souls within that
experience.
I think that there is a genuineum, not everyone, but there's a
genuine community of therapistsand doctors and people who were
such support to me during atime where I was so disconnected
(33:31):
from myself, and I met so manyangels within that path who just
would give me a spark of hopeand a spark of love and a spark
of love and a spark of prayerand a spark of genuine um just
heart, um and I met peoplewithin there who've become like
lifelong friends, so I am sograteful for um the community
(33:51):
that was in there and thingsthat we went through together.
But, on a lens of what thetreatment model is, it is not at
the level of consciousness ofwhere we are on this planet, for
what it means to heal.
And that's where I feel like Ineed to bring light to an issue
that is really important,especially in the relationship
between eating disorders andmental health.
(34:13):
Mental health is a little bitbroad of a spectrum and I think
that at different points in ourlives, most people have some
mental health um you know, thingthat they need to work through,
whether it's super severe orsuper.
Um you know more mild.
But mental health and therelationship to diagnosis and
(34:35):
medication is, in my opinion,not um.
There's so much more to thisstory, and the thing with most
you know SSRIs and, um ADHDmedications is that the
dependency that your body on achemical and cellular level gets
to with those medications makesit very difficult to get off of
(34:55):
them.
So it's it's like you'resigning yourself up for a
completely different life planIf you succumb to the
recommendation of medication asyour only mode of treatment.
Jenee (35:06):
Yeah, and the pathology that goes along with that you
know, and having therapists saythat you know this is maybe it
for you, right, you know?
And how damaged, how damagingthat is in and of itself.
Brittany (35:20):
Yeah, and I want to say that to anyone who's
listening, who maybe hasstruggled with depression,
anxiety, ADHD, anything witheating disorder, body image,
anything in the realm of feelinglike you're crazy because
you're having a lot of psychicthings come through that you
don't know how to understand yet, or maybe have a community
around you that understands themand makes you feel like you're
(35:42):
kind of like losing it, Likethere's so much hope and there's
so much hope for a natural wayof elevating yourself out of
those frequencies.
I think there's a very complexreason why they happen.
You know depression and anxietyespecially.
You know we live in a verystressed out culture, especially
in this country, where we aredisconnected from our organic
(36:05):
nature.
We're disconnected, you know,through the lens of being so
available to everyone all thetime, digitally, virtually,
being on our devices all thetime, like not connecting with
the elements in a way that ismore natural to our ancestors
and to parts of our nervoussystem that feel extremely
(36:26):
calmed by that.
So this pandemic of depressionand anxiety, it's kind of like a
rebellion against the way thatthe artificial intelligence and
technological revolution hasdisconnected us from more of our
organic nature.
So, you know, I thinkdepression and anxiety are
(36:48):
signals of like hey, something'swrong.
Jenee (36:52):
If you have a pain in your back.
Brittany (36:54):
It's like hey something's wrong.
It doesn't mean take amedication to numb it and ignore
it.
A band-aid on it right so thereare so many tools and ways in
which um transformation out ofthose energies, because all of
those are just levels ofconsciousness, levels of
frequency, and you have infinite, infinite power to transcend
out of them yeah, so your fourth.
Jenee (37:16):
After your fourth visit into the hospital, what were you
finally?
Just like so fuck it, I'm goingto do it my way.
I'm out, yeah.
Brittany (37:26):
So what was interesting?
So the first three were eatingdisorder specific and everything
there was focused on weight andfood.
How much food did you eat today?
How much weight did you gaintoday?
They did go into like you knowthings about body image and what
are you looking at on socialmedia?
That's creating the story aboutyour beauty and like that kind
of thing.
But all day, every day, it wasjust like food, food, food, food
(37:48):
, food.
To me, the consciousness of mypersonal struggle had to do more
with the energy of addictionand codependency.
Jenee (37:58):
And I knew that.
Brittany (37:59):
I could it.
I could feel it as like a veryclear energy, because in my 20s,
when I was addicted to theVyvanse, I was also drinking
heavily.
So I would like Vyvanse andStarbucks in the morning and
wine it at night right, wow,because it was just like the
high and the low Yep.
So when I got off the Vyvanse Ialso stopped drinking alcohol.
(38:20):
That's when I was 27.
So I, at this point, had beensober from substances for like
seven years.
So you know, my addiction thingwhatever part of my body that
has an addiction tendency now inthis layer of my life was
getting played out through foodand through sex with my partner
in this layer of my life wasgetting played out through food
(38:41):
and through sex with my partner.
We were very, very addicted tosex with each other in a way
that created a distorted conceptof what love was Um, and was
also very depleting to my bodybecause I overrode its signals
in that area Totally wanting tolike satisfy whatever I thought
was what he wanted, kind ofthing.
Jenee (39:01):
It's so interesting that you talk about that too,
because when I was in my 20s, Ihad a similar issue where I lost
a lot of weight and I was, Ikind of had my moment, like you,
where I I sort of was like itwas my entrance into my black
(39:21):
night of the soul and and my, itreally took me into my, my
shamanic healing path.
But I was at that point where Iwas like, am I going to check
out or not?
Is this my time to go?
And what happened with thisparticular partner?
Was we, um, the sexual?
(39:43):
Something about the sexualconnection was so toxic and so
addictive and when we would hookup, he, I, I really felt like
he was vampiric and he wouldliterally drain the life force,
energy out of my body.
Oh, sister.
Brittany (40:01):
Okay, so I resonate so deeply.
So if you think about thesexual energy centers, the
sacral, the sacral is also whereour stomach is, where we
receive nourishment right.
Where we receive pleasure.
Food is also very related topleasure, so it's like all
sacral vibes happening.
So I it's wild.
(40:22):
So when I first started likereally awakening to my work
within the energy healing realm,it was multiple Kundalini
awakenings, different visions,different you know, just wild
experiences, not throughayahuasca or like any
psychedelic, like all throughmeditation, through a modality
that I do called body talk.
I just had these likespontaneous awakenings and I was
(40:43):
celibate for almost four years,just in, like deep meditation,
working on myself, getting soberoff the Vyvanse, getting sober
off the alcohol.
I was just like doing me.
And in this whole other vortexwas just like doing me.
And in this whole other vortex.
Jenee (41:02):
So when I met my partner I hadn't had sex in four years.
Brittany (41:03):
Like wow, I you know it was.
It was a new thing.
So my relationship and I neverhad sober sex, which is also
very interesting yeah, um, andso when I met, I started
learning about this past withinthe Egyptian lineage and him and
I bonded a lot on Egyptianculture, egyptian philosophy of
(41:24):
levels of healing andconsciousness, and we did our
sound healing through anEgyptian mystery school.
So we had this Egyptianlifetime energy together and
there's this story that in thetime of, like, the priests and
the priestesses like in you know, a really high state of power,
the priestesses were actuallylike very magnetic and able to
(41:46):
manifest and create and visionand birth things just through
their sexual energy practices,through sex magic, totally,
totally.
And that there became this likedistortion of the priests
feeling as though they wereintimidated by that level of
power of the feminine and duringsexual magic practices that
(42:07):
they would do in that culturethere became an intention to
siphon the energy from thepriestess through the sex Wow.
And so I started learning aboutthis us through the sex Wow.
And so I started learning aboutthis.
In literally within the firstweek of him and I dating, he
kissed my third eye and I sawthis whole vision of that
happening and obviously like hewasn't consciously doing that or
(42:28):
like it wasn't an intention.
But I think when there'scodependent frequencies within
any partnership during sexualenergy exchange.
There can be cords that happenunconsciously, where you are
siphoning and taking energy fromeach other in ways that can be
addictive and it can be drainingand it can be very toxic and it
(42:52):
can be very debilitating toyour health and to your energy.
So that definitely happens to meas well, and it's very
confusing, because usually withthose people the sex is like
another fucking level.
So you're like what ishappening, right, but it's like
a drug like yeah, you can getsuper high, but the low is a
(43:12):
killer, completely so at the.
Jenee (43:16):
At what point do you, kind of like, make this
connection?
Do you make the connection that, like the parasitic um energy
that is siphoning, whether it'ssomething you picked up when you
were, you know, as apractitioner or in the
relationship?
Do you make this connection atsome point after like?
Brittany (43:37):
I always knew, yeah, but you know, when you just like
lie to yourself, yeah, becauseyou love someone so much or you
love the people you're workingwith so much, and like I had
major nice girl, unrecoveredvibes, yeah, where my people
pleasing, lack of awareness ofthe ways in which I overrode my
body signals or my intuition, Iwas so in just like the good
(44:01):
girl, nice girl, era of likejust being the sweetest little
thing who never got angry anddidn't know how to be angry in a
safe way, didn't know how tolisten to when she wasn't
feeling well, so she just likeput on a happy face.
I did that even though I knewthat these parasitic feelings
were true in my body.
And so I kind of always knew.
(44:23):
I always knew, but I lied tomyself and it's crazy how long
you can lie to yourself and likemake yourself really sick into
your body and your mind has justhad enough.
And then you end up in afucking mental institution
saying that you want to killyourself.
Like it can get to that levelif you don't listen.
It's like those whispers andthe whispers, and the whispers
and then it gets loud.
Your body just like freaks out.
(44:45):
So I really feel that the eatingdisorder and the binge eating
episodes and the craziness thatI was experiencing it was a gift
to like shake me out of my nicegirl era, like in a way that I
could integrate parts of thesemore difficult emotions of anger
(45:06):
or having strong boundaries orbeing in your like dark feminine
power.
I did not know how to be thatgirl.
Like I was so afraid of anger,like so uncomfortable with it.
I grew up in a household wherethere was a lot of unexpected
anger often, and so to me thatwas like never a safe emotion
(45:31):
and I didn't know how powerfuland important anger is to
respect as a natural emotionwithin your system, and so mine
started to bottle up into theselike crazy episodes of binge
eating, because I would feel allthe sensation.
It's almost like the bingeeating was a way to like numb
myself for an hour and then feelthe aftermath.
(45:55):
So, yeah, I, you know.
So the fourth eating doesn't.
It's funny.
You say like what transitioncause the fourth one was very
different.
So the fourth one, I decided Iwas like you know what I'm done
with the eating disordertreatment world Cause it's not
working.
Yeah, I want to go to anaddiction recovery center.
So I found an addictionrecovery center called
(46:16):
Evolutions in Florida and I wentthere and so in there, yeah,
they deal with some people haveeating disorders, but the
majority of people that are inthat treatment center they are
coming off of fentanyl, heroin,alcohol, cocaine.
It's crazy Like it's literallylike an environment that I never
(46:38):
expected that I would willinglyput myself in.
I thought I was in a movie.
However, that's where I actuallyhad a breakthrough was in that
center, because the energy ofaddiction and the energy of
codependency was what wasfocused on and had nothing to do
with food.
So I ate what I would want toeat, normally very healthy
things I ordered in all of myown food.
(46:58):
They didn't care.
So I ate what I would want toeat, normally very healthy
things.
I ordered in all of my own food.
I they didn't care what I ate.
They didn't care if I gainedweight.
They just wanted to seewhatever I identified as healing
and creating a plan around thatand helping me make a
breakthrough in that way.
So it actually was.
You know, although the the levelof the environment was not the
(47:23):
highest energy, right, these area lot of people who grew up in
very difficult lives, withparents on drugs and you know, I
I had one of, like my very goodfriends in there who worked
there.
He overdosed while he was inthere, like that type of energy.
I never thought that I would bearound, yeah, but I brought
(47:48):
sound healing there.
I taught yoga every morning, Idid workout classes and like got
everyone into working out, andit ended up being a place where
I healed through getting back tomy work in being of service
where.
I had purpose again like peoplewanted to learn about sound
healing.
They wanted to learn about myessential oils.
(48:09):
They like wanted to come to myroom and like do a body talk
session.
They're like please, can youlike teach yoga tomorrow morning
?
Can you play sound bowl everylunch break, like we'll, instead
of like doing the lunchactivity, like we want to like
come to your sound class.
So I created, like thiscommunity of um education in a
place like that that did nothave some of these more holistic
(48:31):
um shamanic tools or energyhealing tools, because that
wasn't a part of the protocol,it wasn't a part of the recovery
, it wasn't a part of therecovery plan, and I had many
people in there tell me thatsome of their biggest
breakthroughs or states of peaceor hope came from my sound
healing sessions.
And so that's where I startedto feel a sense of myself again,
(48:54):
because so much of my identityand mission on this planet is to
facilitate that work and tofeel as though I have purpose in
helping others.
Um, and I could get back tothat purpose with more um energy
to do it.
Jenee (49:09):
Wow, and and I'm so curious, now that you're you're
you are exercising a lot.
I don't sense that you're inthe like workout craze where I
feel like working out can be acult in and of itself and it can
be so you know, kind of likehow you started.
(49:31):
Yeah.
Brittany (49:32):
It's.
It's a very interesting culturebecause, you know, coming from
my background where my partnerwas a trainer, all a lot of my
friends were trainers.
I worked at gyms, I was just inthat realm.
And fitness is healthy, it'snecessary.
It's a very foundational part ofour um, you know, evolution
into becoming our best self isto have a really strong fitness
(49:54):
practice.
I think where it can be atricky mental and emotional and
spiritual place is where there'sthis little signal in your body
and if you're in touch enoughwith yourself to know how to
navigate that voice or thatsensation, I think that, um, you
(50:15):
know, you can be more balancedin a way that your masculine and
feminine energies withinyourself are both having equal
say Right.
So, like for me, I went fromdoing a lot of bar and yoga and,
like a lot of you know, danceand like being very fluid and
feminine, to very rigid inweightlifting a certain type of
(50:36):
way for many hours and with avery clear intention of having a
very specific body type that Icould control, right, and so I
think that finding dynamicmovement that is varied Right.
So like you're not weightliftingsuper heavy seven days a week,
(50:57):
and only doing that Right.
It's like having those strengthdays, having more mobility,
flexibility, kind of yoga days,swimming days, running days,
having dancing days, havingtwerking days, having pole dance
class days, having ice skatingdays, right, and like just
finding a more, just a funapproach to movement where
(51:20):
you're honoring a desire toelevate your body into different
, you know, challenges orpotential for its growth or
evolution, or strength or beauty, but not from a place of
creating an identity around yourworth based on that, absolutely
, absolutely.
Jenee (51:40):
I feel like we could talk for another half an hour.
Brittany (51:42):
I know there's so much , oh my gosh, there's so much to
go into.
Jenee (51:45):
I want to have you back on.
Brittany (51:49):
Yeah, so I will say too.
So just to like close the storyyeah, After I checked out of
that treatment center, I endedup moving back to Portland.
I like tried to get back withthe ex wasn't flowing, obviously
wasn't going to work out and Ifound on Instagram this doctor
(52:09):
named Dr Brett Jones.
Jenee (52:10):
Yes, and I saw that he was doing.
I'm so glad you're bringingthis back.
Thank you.
Brittany (52:14):
Well, like how I got here and I started mentoring
with him through a coachinggroup that he has called the
Healing Way, and I bought thisprogram called the Healing Codes
and even when I got out of thattreatment center I didn't feel
better, like I got a little bitof myself back, but I was still
having binge episodes.
The thing wasn't healed.
(52:34):
Whatever the thing was, it wasnot better.
The thing wasn't healed,whatever the.
Jenee (52:38):
Thing was.
Brittany (52:38):
it was not better and I, in the three months after I
got out of treatment in Florida,I had multiple, multiple binge
disorder episodes again.
So there was not healing, Eventhough there was shift there was
not healing.
Yeah, so I meet Dr Brett and Istart doing in January of this
year, this online coaching groupwith him, called the healing
(52:58):
way, where we meet weekly.
This is a group that stillexists that we're going to be
launching in 2024 that you canmessage me or reach out to learn
more about.
But as soon as I startedconnecting with him, he took me
through on our second call, oneof the most potent,
transformational coachingexperiences just over zoom, 40
(53:21):
minute, like interaction.
Where I'm in Portland, he's inTucson, and he created a vision
for a potential for my nextchapter, like on the other side
of really having this eatingdisorder completely gone from my
mind and from my body in a waythat like it's hard to put into
words because it was so shamanicthe level of energy that moved.
(53:44):
And with that, like three daysafter that, I had a dream that I
was in Tucson, like meeting himand meeting his whole team and
like being here.
And the next morning he textedme and he's like hey, would you
ever come to Tucson, cause I hada dream that you being here.
And the next morning he textedme and he's like hey, would you
ever come to Tucson?
Cause I had a dream that youwere here?
No way.
Jenee (54:02):
And I'm like.
Brittany (54:02):
I had the same dream.
That's amazing.
I come to Tucson and mybreakthrough and truly healing
the eating disorder has beenthrough this community here, has
been through doing work withyou through our different
ceremonies and Ricky, andthrough this healing way
coaching group, and also there'ssomething very potent about the
(54:23):
energy and the medicine of thedesert for me, right Like I
first got off the medicationwhen I came to Sedona, like
Arizona, something for me, Umand so, through my work with um,
the source chiropractic,through my work with the healing
way, that's where I've beenable to let go of this eating
disorder this year, to wherethose thoughts, those behaviors
(54:45):
since I moved to Tucson has noteven been a part of my reality
anymore.
Jenee (54:49):
Amazing.
Brittany (54:50):
I just wanted to give praise to Tucson for saving my
soul and just opening up a wholedifferent life, and I'm really
honored and excited to be ableto share this story.
So thank you for having me.
Thank, you so much I'm going tobe in 2024, opening up my books
again, to be doing quantumenergy and sound healing work,
(55:11):
specifically with people who arestruggling with eating
disorders, because I think oneof the most potent aspects of
having a mentor, a coach,counselor, like someone who's
holding space for yourtransformation with that
particular issue, is actuallythat they embody the codes of
being on the other side of itfrom having been in it, so I'm
(55:32):
really grateful to be on thatother side and be able to open
that, and then you also have acookbook coming out, or do you
have a?
cookbook already it's building.
it's called mermaid magiccookbook and I actually love
creating just like the mostdelicious organic wild recipes
of like all varieties, like, ifyou follow my Instagram stories,
(55:53):
you'll see something most days,and so I I feel like a big way
that I'm going to serve kind ofthe higher realm of eating
disorder recovery and bringing avoice is to get this cookbook
and this book into differenttreatment centers, different
support groups.
But it's going to be a cookbook, but it's also going to talk a
(56:14):
lot about my journey with eatingdisorder body image um, body
dysmorphia and how recovery umthrough nourishment and
unconditional love, throughnourishment and through food um
has been a support in mytransformation.
Wow.
Jenee (56:30):
Oh my gosh, I've learned so much from you, just like
being, you know, part of yourcleanse group, and just oh, I
love it.
I cannot wait to see whatblossoms from your work.
Brittany (56:42):
I'm so so proud of you , I'm so inspired by you.
I'm also taking singing lessonsright now.
With who?
With Shiloh.
Jenee (56:49):
Why aren't you taking them with me?
I should be taking them withyou.
Oh, shiloh Ray, yeah, oh, she'samazing.
Brittany (56:54):
Yeah, okay, I want to do it with everyone, that's okay
.
Jenee (56:57):
Shiloh is the best.
Brittany (56:58):
Oh my gosh, but I'm so inspired by you and actually at
our last ceremony, on Dia delos Muertos, I got to sing
alongside you for the first time, and I want to also say like
singing and dancing has beensuch a potent medicine in my
recovery.
It's something that I was sodisconnected from when I was in
(57:20):
the disorder.
I couldn't sing, I couldn'tlisten to music, I couldn't
dance, I couldn't do any ofthose feminine things.
So I just want to thank you forbringing such a beautiful gift
to this world through your musicand through your teaching of
sound and voice, because I thinkthat vocal toning and using
your voice has such a power forattuning your frequency into a
(57:43):
different vibration in a waythat, um, everyone, deserves to
(58:12):
know more.
Jenee (58:12):
You, thank you.
Love Got questions about acertain healing modality or
about heart-centered healing, ormaybe you just need some advice
on life, love or creativity.
Send it my way.
Email me at letters atheartlightpodcastcom.
Until next time, I'm JanaeHalstead, and thanks for
listening to Heartlight Sessions.
My heart like a thousand voltsof sunshine.
(58:39):
Thank you.
Welcome to the Heartlight Sessions, a podcast
about light working your waythrough dark times.
I'm Janae Halstead.
I'm a singer-songwriter,holistic vocal coach, intuitive
guide and plant medicinefacilitator.
I'm also a survivor ofchildhood abuse, autoimmune
issues and my 30s.
I'm also a survivor ofchildhood abuse, autoimmune
issues and my 30s.
I'm on a lifelong healingjourney and, along the way, I
(00:28):
want to share the ideas andteachings that rock my world.
Every week on HeartlightSessions, I call in artists,
healers and thinkers to explorewhat's helped them live and
thrive from a heart-centeredplace, because the heart, it's
where the best things happen.
If you've ever wondered how tounlock your biggest
(00:51):
breakthroughs or how to comeback from that stuff that tried
to kill you, you know the stuffI'm talking about, the stuff
that's supposed to make youstronger.
Or if you've ever wondered howto just do you straight from the
heart, you're in the rightplace.
So join me, won't you?
Let's turn on that heart light.
Hi Hi, welcome to Heart Light.
Brittany (01:22):
Thank you.
Jenee (01:22):
Yeah, heartlight Sessions.
So I have Brittany Gordine withme and she's super inspiration
in my life.
She's a healer, I would saylike a quantum healer, a mermaid
.
She does corporate wellness andwhat else.
(01:45):
Oh, oh where to begin.
Brittany (01:47):
So I am a quantum energy healing and holographic
sound healing practitioner.
I do a lot of one-on-one workwith both men, women, couples,
and then also a lot of corporatewellness um events and
workshops and ways to kind ofbring in more holistic lifestyle
practices and energetic hygienepractices for optimizing all
(02:13):
things within the corporateworld.
And then with you, I'm a part ofthis amazing group called the
Sonoran Sound Journey, which isa sound healing collective of
many different practitioners whoall have different talents,
coming together around differentenergetic seasonal shifts
(02:34):
Usually we do the equinoxes, thesolstices, to bring together
the ceremony of cacao and sound.
Jenee (02:41):
Yeah, I like to say we're in a band together, we're
in a band I haven't been in aband since college and this is
awesome.
We're in a band together.
So, yeah, it's been amazing andum for for me, like the, I
think, seeing you on instagramand I, of course, like I would
(03:02):
joke around that I I watch your,your workouts, uh, because I
find them incredibly inspiringand it's like that's like my
goal in 2024.
I'm like, I'm gonna be like I'mliving through you right now.
Um, but also you startedtalking on Instagram about your
story with body dysmorphia and Iwas like blown away by your
(03:31):
story and just the vulnerabilitythat it took to share that.
I'd never seen anyone sharetheir story like that and I just
wanted to kind of hand it overto you to talk about like.
And I just wanted to kind ofhand it over to you to talk
about like, how did this start?
When did it start?
And we can sort of flow theconversation and yeah.
(03:53):
Thank you, thank you forwitnessing me through the
Instagram portal.
Brittany (03:59):
It's actually a very new thing for me to be super
intimate with my life andsharing on Instagram.
I actually went the last twoyears prior to this year, not on
Instagram at all, you'll see abig gap.
If you look at my page, I wascompletely, completely off
social media and a part of thatwas because I was for a year in
(04:21):
an eating disorder treatmentjourney and it was horrific.
So the story you know it's kindof long and complex of how it
came to be.
I think that you know as a kidjust having different
experiences where people makecomments about your body or you,
you know, develop differentbelief systems and go on diets
(04:43):
and have different standards ofbeauty or ways in which you give
yourself love or nourishyourself, based on some concept
of how your body needs to be.
I definitely struggled withthat at different points
throughout my life.
But I wouldn't call it aneating disorder, I would call it
just being a fucking girl andthinking about you know, oh, I
(05:06):
want to weigh this amount or Iwant to work out in this way or
eat this diet or whatever, and Ithink that that's just a very
pervasive collectiveconversation.
Um, that we grew up as justnormal.
Jenee (05:17):
You know I.
Brittany (05:18):
I grew up seeing that on TV, I heard it within my
family, I had it within myfriend groups, right.
So I would say for the majorityof my life, like I was pretty
healthy when I was 14, I gotreally, really, really depressed
.
My family basketball team,president of the volunteer club,
like all the things you knowstraight A student kind of
(05:40):
person to not wanting to get outof bed and go to high school
and I just like shut downemotionally and physically.
And after going to like a numberof different doctors, there was
nothing physically wrong withme.
So then it started going intothe psychiatrist, psychologist
(06:03):
route, like why, is, why is shenot wanting to get out of bed?
Why is she so tired?
Why is she, you know, just notfeeling happy?
She has everything going forher.
And so when I was 14, I startedgetting um, diagnosed with
depression and anxiety andmedicated for it.
And that's where I think, adistorted connection to my body
(06:25):
and to its signals, to itsemotions, to how to cope, of
energy and a empath of energyand to be working with energy.
(06:47):
So I was overwhelmed by mysensitivity and by my gifts and
by my visions and by my dreams,and I just didn't know how to
process that.
Wow, so, yeah.
So through that medicationjourney, I ended up getting
prescribed a medication for ADHDcalled Vyvanse, and not a lot
of people that I've talked toknow about it, the more like
(07:09):
street drug, it's like theAdderall, and one of the main
side effects of those types ofdrugs in the methamphetamine
category is suppressed appetite.
And so, all of a sudden, I waslike taking this drug that made
me feel happy, made me feel high, and it made me not want to eat
and I liked that feeling, Iliked that high and I became
(07:33):
very addicted to it, um,disconnected because this other
substance was dictating mybehaviors right Around food and
around nourishment and around myconcept of like, feeling okay.
It's like you know, I'm notfeeling okay today.
(07:54):
I'm not feeling energized, I'mnot feeling happy.
Oh, just pop that pill andeverything's fine Right.
And that lasted for you know, afew years until my spirit and
my soul started to take over.
I had one of my firstexperiences with a really
intense mental, emotional,spiritual breakdown where I was
(08:16):
just crying and didn't know whyI was feeling so overwhelmed and
I just got this download, whichI didn't even know what a
download was at the time I waslike I need to go somewhere
spiritual and I needto get off this medication.
Like immediately, how old wereyou?
I was 21, okay, this was rightafter I graduated college, wow,
and I, um, I found this place inSedona, arizona, which I'd
(08:41):
never heard of Sed, which I'dnever heard of Sedona, I'd never
heard of energy vortexes.
I was very not in that realm atthat time and I immediately
booked a trip.
I'm like I'm going theretomorrow and I skipped a trip to
Vegas to go to Sedona.
Wow, perfect, yeah, and Istarted to um get myself off of
that medication.
Then, um, it took a few years.
(09:03):
Those medications are extremelythey're extremely addictive and
it can be very debilitatingprocess to go through that detox
.
But I was able to do it and Istarted studying energy healing
and sound healing and fitnessand just got into a really
healthy lifestyle.
(09:24):
My body and everything feltreally aligned.
I was in a relationship at thetime that I thought was like my
most dream relationship, that Icould ever imagine.
And I launched my energy healingbusiness, my sound healing
business.
I was completely booked out,like everything was flowing.
My program at the time wascalled Bliss Body Goddess and I
(09:45):
just felt like I was on top ofthe world.
And so when this eatingdisorder started to come into my
experience, it was about threeyears after, like first
launching my business, and I wasdating this person at the time
who was a personal trainer, andwhen I met him I was probably
like 120 pounds and I'm 5'4", soit was like, you know, kind of
(10:08):
a normal weight for me and feltlike pretty healthy and I, um I
started working out with him alot.
Um, I noticed his um sort ofattraction to women with more of
a bodybuilder type of physique.
And um, you know, he would justmake comments about certain
(10:29):
things with my body.
That would plant seeds around myconcept of what beautiful was
and I slowly, just over time,over about two years of like
getting really intoweightlifting, um got super
disconnected from like femininemovement and dance and singing
and like playing and I was justlike militant, like wake up 6 am
(10:50):
, two hours in the gym, wow.
And you know I lost a lot ofweight and it wasn't so much
like intentional, I think itjust happened over time.
Time and then as I started toget down to like a lower body
(11:11):
weight, I um I was doing reallyintense shamanic energy work and
my mentor at the time.
You know he had warned me he'slike.
You know, if you, if you gointo these realms of these
higher levels of consciousness,like as much light and angels
and like blissful things,there's also a lot of shadows.
There's also a lot of people'sparasitic, you know forces or
unconscious things and you needto protect yourself.
Jenee (11:34):
And so part of that protection was like well, not
only energetic, but having morebody weight.
Was that one of his concerns,or yeah?
Brittany (11:43):
Well, I think that you know.
So I went from 120 pounds downto about 105 pounds and and it
wasn't through like changing,like my, my food didn't really
change.
It was that, I think, just likeweightlifting.
So much.
Um, I would say I was on theborderline of like orthorexia,
where I had a concept of whatwas healthy and organic and high
(12:05):
vibe and like eating a certainkind of way, but I had many
foods that I would not eat.
Jenee (12:10):
Um, can you?
Can you define what ortho?
I don't know what that is.
Brittany (12:14):
So, okay so um, in the eating disorder kind of lexicon
of um, you know differentcategories of disorders.
There's like anorexia, which islike starving yourself, not
eating.
Um binge eating, where you eatto the point of making yourself
sick.
Um.
There's bulimia, where youforce yourself to throw up or
(12:39):
purge after eating.
And then orthorexia is likeyou're so restrictive of what it
is that you eat but you have aconcept of it being healthy, so
it doesn't seem as though it's adisorder.
So it's very complex becauseI've heard a lot of other women
in you know the wellness spacewho you know have like organic
cookbooks and like all thesethings of a lens through which
(13:00):
seeing something as being supergood for your body.
But if you cannot like take abite of birthday cake at your
birthday party without likehaving a freak out about it,
then it's a little, maybe tooextreme.
So I think I was kind of onthat level.
Jenee (13:15):
Yeah, I feel like I had probably five years of that kind
of behavior.
That was really like I didn'tknow the name for it.
It's really interesting, youknow, but I definitely myself
questioned that like, wow, thisis a there's something not right
about this.
So the pictures of you thatI've seen, that you've posted
(13:35):
there, they're pretty shocking,to be honest.
And so was that around thattime that you were, you know,
doing the heavy weightlifting,you were about 105?
Brittany (13:48):
Yeah, so the pictures you've probably seen are when I
got down to 87 pounds.
Jenee (13:53):
Wow, which is my lowest weight, wow, so I went from 105
in the end of 2020.
Brittany (14:01):
Then I took a 20-day trip to Tulum and everything in
my body right before that tripwas like this is not going to be
a good trip for me.
Like I just feel like it's goingto end my relationship.
I'm, everything in my body isjust not wanting to go, but like
something was calling us to go,and during that trip I um
(14:22):
started to feel what felt like aparasite in my stomach.
It was a sensation that hadkind of been lingering for a
little while.
I know now much more about whatenergetic parasites are, even
more than physical.
So you know, within the workthat I was doing, I would feel
at times with certain clients,during certain sessions, that
(14:43):
there was such a cord of energythat was being sucked into my
field because I did not have anawareness of strong boundaries.
I was so overwhelmed with theamount of work that I was doing
that my spiritual hygiene gotmessy and I was just vulnerable
and susceptible to a lot ofparasitic energetic feelings
that felt as though I was beingdrained.
(15:03):
So during that trip to Tulumfor 20 days, I think I probably
lost another like seven or eightpounds during that trip.
I lost my menstrual cycleduring that trip.
The whole trip itself was likeextremely stressful.
It was not a vacation on anylevel.
For anyone who's called to orhas been to Tulum, it's
(15:25):
definitely a portal and can stirup a lot of things, and for me
it ended up being kind of likean awakening of a dark night of
the soul.
Um.
So when I got back I feltsomething like almost like a I
don't I describe it as like acurse, like I felt like
something so strongly shifted inmy frequency, in my mind, in my
(15:48):
thought patterns, like I Iliterally had kind of like a
breakdown at the um Chichen Itzapyramid and like I just felt,
like I came back from that triplike different, like something
was different in my vibe thatwas like not me and I started
having these episodes of bingeeating.
So I would wake up in the middleof the night and like have this
(16:10):
insatiable desire to eat a tonof food and then obviously wake
up in the morning feeling reallynot good, because eating in the
middle of the night's not idealfor your sleep or for your
digestion.
And this binge eating thenwould trigger me to want to get
that food out of my body.
So I would take laxatives or Iwould drink a lot of coffee,
(16:32):
like something to like purge notthrow up, but like get it out
of my body.
And so that sort of binge purgecycle started to be a daily
pattern that literally like tookover every aspect of my mind,
because when you're consuminglarge amounts of food and I was
also binging on foods that werenot healthy I went from, like
(16:57):
orthorexia, super healthy tobeing in these binge disorder
episodes where I would beliterally like at Wendy's,
eating four Frosties at 7 am no.
Yeah.
So I went from bliss bodygoddess, like holistic queen,
blah, blah, blah to likeliterally like a depressive
episode, eating Wendy's Frostiesat 7 am, which, for someone who
(17:19):
has detoxed their body and doneso much work like I've been
doing different kinds of energyhealing, shamanic work, therapy,
like fitness.
I've done so much work LikeI've been doing different kinds
of energy healing, shamanic work, therapy, like fitness I've
been doing all these things forlike 20 years so for my body to
go from that to fast food at 7amin a binging episode was
overwhelming to every part of mysystem.
(17:40):
And so that's kind of how I Istarted like going into these
like stressful cycles where Iwould binge eat early in the
morning and then I wouldn't eatthe rest of the day because I
felt so sick and I felt sodisoriented and like if you eat,
you know, 500 grams of sugarfrom Wendy's late, you're going
to feel a little fucked up.
Yeah, so, um, I ended up havingmultiple episodes.
(18:00):
I ended up having multipleepisodes where I felt so out of
control of my behavior, I feltso out of control of my body, I
felt so out of hope of like howcould this be happening to me?
How can I go from like thislife that I had to this that I
(18:22):
would have not like suicidalideation, but I would make
comments like I don't want tofucking live anymore, like I
cannot live like this, and thatreally scared people who love me
, especially my parents, and Ihad multiple episodes where they
called the police and forced meto go to a mental hospital for
the night.
When you make those sorts ofcomments like they can bring in
(18:46):
the authorities.
That in itself was adevastating experience, you know
, for me to be within thatmatrix and see what treatment
looks like for people withmental health disorders and that
then put me on a journey ofkind of surrendering to an
intervention for my familyaround going into eating
(19:08):
disorder treatment.
Jenee (19:09):
Wow, how old were you at this?
Brittany (19:10):
point I was 33.
Okay, so this was in 2021.
Okay, wow, so the bingingstarted.
The binging started at the likebeginning of 2021, after I got
back from Tulum, and then itjust crept all throughout that
year and then by November, I wasgoing into treatment.
Wow, and were you still withthis guy at that point?
(19:32):
We were, and he was reallyconfused as to what was
happening and I think that hedid the best that he knew how to
do, like it, but I also feelthat he could have done more to
(20:10):
support my journey and be therein different ways that he wasn't
there.
And you know, something I wantto talk about during this
episode is the relationshipbetween codependency and
addiction, and eating disorders,so I didn't know it at the time
, but like we had a verycodependent relationship on many
levels that was super drainingand ways in which I allowed
(20:33):
boundaries within myself to becrossed within that partnership.
That led to me losing moreweight and like succumbing to
certain perspectives or energydrains.
Like I you know, every time hesaid oh, your thigh gap's so
sexy or your muscles in yourveins are so beautiful, or
you're you know, like thatplanted seeds of dysmorphia.
(20:56):
And then there was like afinancial drain component in
ways in which he wanted me to bea sugar mama.
That, you know, wasn'tnecessarily a very helpful
energy for someone who wasstruggling at that time.
And, yeah, so when I went totreatment it was pretty much
like the end of our relationshipand he kind of bowed out at
(21:18):
that point which says a lot, anddid you go voluntarily?
I went voluntarily but it wasalmost like I felt so cornered
into doing it.
I have all of this awarenessabout how true healing happens
because of the work that I'vedone and the work that I do with
(21:39):
other people, and I could seewhat the lens of consciousness
at these treatment centers justbased on having phone calls with
them prior to going in, was andI'm like I'm not going to heal
here.
I'm absolutely like not going toheal here, but I didn't have
another option.
I didn't know where else to go.
I now know and I could kind offeel it when I was there, but
(22:01):
like I now see, it was somemajor like shamanist initiation
to go deeply, deeply, deeplydeeply into that world like
embody the hell of that world.
Jenee (22:14):
Wow.
Brittany (22:14):
Because there is a major paradigm shift that needs
to happen within the realm ofmental health and eating
disorder treatment Usuallythings that are covered by
insurance, because it is not aplace where healing is happening
.
I met so many women and men whohave been in a merry-go-round
of treatment centers for years,years and years and years, and I
(22:36):
have friends who have passedaway in treatment.
So it's not working.
It's not working the way thattreatment in a more Western
model is addressed, and I knowthat a big part of my mission is
to create a change in that withmy voice, my story, my
(22:57):
transformation, my knowledgethat I embody with more healing
principles.
And so when I was in treatment,I like shipped in sound bowls
and taught yoga and like we'redoing classes on, you know, on
energy healing and body talk andlike all of the things that I
know that so many people withinthat world and you know a lot of
(23:18):
people that I met that Iprobably never would have met
otherwise.
Um, I my first three treatmentcenters.
I went to four.
Wow, my first three were eatingdisorder specific.
So everyone in there wasworking on an eating disorder.
It was extremely unsuccessfulfor me.
I did not gain any weight.
I did not get anything buttraumatized in there to be,
(23:40):
honest as much as there werebeautiful people with beautiful
intentions.
If my therapist is at 8 am andthis is no judgment towards her
or towards that facility but ifshe's eating Taco Bell at 8 am,
trying to talk to me aboutnutrition and say, hey, we just
want to get you on thismedication.
(24:00):
That's going to make you gainweight really fast and then
you'll be better.
Jenee (24:03):
And.
Brittany (24:03):
I'm like this has nothing to do with the weight.
It has nothing to do withweight, like this is a
consciousness, energetic, likedrain, that is happening within
my system and going back to kindof like the lack of boundaries
and parasites and things.
I literally felt like I had twovoices in my head, like a voice
of, like this dark thing, likewanting to do these behaviors.
(24:25):
That was not me, and then thehigher self, me, that like knows
what's good for me, right?
So like why would I be choosingthese things?
And you know, within theshamanic world there's this
concept of entities, yes, and Ifelt and had a confirmation from
many people who are very intune with that ability to see
(24:46):
that that's what I had.
So me trying to explain that,of course, within these type of
treatment centers, they justgive you a new diagnosis with a
new antipsychotic and a new wayof numbing that thought away,
when I know that that wasn't thetruth of what I was
experiencing.
Jenee (25:01):
So interesting, you know um, to do the energy work and
to be a practitioner, and thenyou know not, it's.
It's hard often, like aspractitioners of energy work, to
be able to see our own um, beable to see our own um, you know
(25:25):
, need and our own health and um.
And especially if, like some ofthose like structures of
energetic hygiene and boundariesare not in place and a lot, of,
a lot of um healers and empathsget into the work because they
just want to help the world,they're so empathic and
especially when you're startingout, and so, of course, like you
(25:46):
know, it's this twofold thingwhere I feel like it pushed you
into your initiation path.
You know, and also just the,you know the, you know the, the
big unspoken thing that canhappen with healers um is this,
this drain of the parasiticdrain.
(26:08):
And I, for me, like when I wasstarting out on the path and I
was actually going to a lot ofhealers to heal and um, a lot of
the healers I met wereextremely overweight, so it's
also like that sort of caregiverthing.
And one of my teachers that Iended up training with I was
(26:28):
like she was just very outwardabout it and she was like I put
on this weight to protect myselfenergetically.
Brittany (26:39):
Yeah, I've seen that a lot too.
It can you know the weightthing.
It's like it can go both ways.
Right there, you're drained andyou lose a bunch of weight,
which is, um, what my experiencewas.
Or a lot of people who you know, don't know how to protect
themselves otherwise, likecreate that physical barrier Yep
.
Jenee (26:56):
Yeah, so you're in and out, so you're like you're in
your fourth.
Brittany (27:01):
I got kicked out of a lot of centers, because uh, you
know it's such an insurance game.
Okay so you know there's.
There's all these treatmentcenters that are kind of like
the standard um within theindustry, that are covered by
most insurance.
Then there's the like $50,000 amonth, you know, go to Sedona
on a private like private, likeepic retreat, I wasn't in the
(27:23):
space to make that investment.
I almost did and like just blewmy savings on, you know, saving
my life.
But I went the insurance routeand within these spaces you have
a protocol from a dieticiandietician very different than a
nutritionist by the waydietician, a therapist, a
(27:47):
psychiatrist, and whatever planthey make for what they identify
is recovery for you, you mustfollow, and if you do not follow
that plan you get a ding andtoo many dings, you get kicked
out.
Too many kicks out, you don'tget any treatment.
Wow.
So I was in a war with my team.
(28:08):
Okay, who was trying to?
You know my dietician.
She was like, okay, we're justgoing to put you on a protocol
of 5,000 calories a day andyou're going to eat these shakes
that have a ton of sugar andseed oils and like things that
are literally.
She didn't say this, but I waslike, literally, if I drink one
of those shakes, because I triedit, I was like you're gonna be
dead.
I'm going to have a panic attackbecause of the sugar and the
(28:30):
inflammation and like my bodydoesn't do well with certain.
You know ingredients becauseI've detoxed enough to know what
works for my system and whatdoesn't.
She's like, well, you eitherdrink the shake or, you know,
get the ding.
And so then you know.
And the food in these treatmentcenters there was different
levels for different treatmentcenters that I was in, but I
(28:51):
mean some of them.
They would literally like haveyou sit in your room with Pizza
Hut or McDonald's and like youwould have to eat it no, yeah,
no.
Room with Pizza Hut orMcDonald's and like you would
have to eat it no, yeah, no.
And like they called it like afear food challenge and like if
you didn't do it then you wouldhave to sit and like write a
(29:11):
report.
Or they call these like theyhave these like meal replacement
shakes and you would have todrink those if you didn't do the
thing.
Like there was just crazy levelthings that you know on their
lens of what they're addressing.
It's like oh for someone who'ssuper on a diet.
And like McDonald's hamburgersand French fries like scares
(29:33):
them into gaining weight.
We're going to get you throughthat fear.
We're going to get you throughyour fear food and just sit in
your room and eat that, and soit's just the, the, the level of
ways in which healing wasapproached.
Um, on the food level, and then, like the daily food to food,
it was like honey nut Cheeriosfor breakfast with soy milk and
I'm like, um, I can't eat eitherone of those things without
(29:55):
like having major inflammationin my stomach Cause I don't do
gluten, I don't do sugar, Idon't like processed food and I
can't do soy milk.
So can we try something else?
And like, there was no budgemost days.
And then there's the, the wholepsychiatry route, right.
So if you're superenergetically sensitive, you can
see shit that other peoplecan't see.
(30:15):
You can see auras, you can seepast lives, you can have these
prophetic dreams like verymystical, you know kind of ways
of being able to see energy andbeyond this realm.
In that world.
You are crazy, right, right.
So they have pills for that,right.
And so that got forced onto memultiple times, where it's like
(30:39):
antidepressant, anti-anxiety,and then the antipsychotic,
because one of the side effectsof antipsychotics is that it
makes you gain a lot of weight,and to the point where people
are overweight, right, and ifyou're 87 pounds.
Their whole concept of whatrecovery means for you is
getting you to 115 pounds, likethat, to them, was what equaled
(31:02):
healing.
I could have been 150 poundsand not dealt with the true
issue beyond the weight, whichis how healing really happens
right.
So I, you know, because of myhistory with the Vyvanse and
being on medication and beingoff medication for almost 10
years, when this all happened Iwas like I'm not taking your
(31:24):
medication so you can write areport to my insurance and kick
me the fuck out, cause I'm notgoing to do that to my body,
like I'm not going to numb mysuperpowers of being able to see
things that you can't see, andobviously like I was kind of a
black sheep in that realm,because not everyone you know
(31:45):
outside of that realm I'm aroundmystics and energy healers and
priestesses and goddesses whoare like yeah, of course, duh
like we do that all the time.
Right, exactly, and shamans.
But in that realm I was LooneyTunes, so I got kicked out of
one.
They sent me.
I went from California, I cameto Arizona, to Wickenburg, which
(32:08):
I say is where they send thewicked people.
If you've never been toWickenburg, it's a vibe there,
wow, wow.
So that was.
I call it like a combinationbetween jail, rehab and a
hospital.
That's kind of what it feltlike.
Wow.
So that was.
I call it like a combinationbetween jail, rehab and a
hospital.
That's kind of what it feltlike, wow.
So I'm sleeping, you know, in aroom with four girls on feeding
tubes.
Everyone's on medication.
(32:28):
No, you get woken up at six inthe morning to immediately get
on a scale, have your fingerpricked, stand in a medication
line, just like I mean.
It was crazy.
I felt like I was in a movie.
I went from literally living inthis like fancy beautiful home
in what I call like the BeverlyHills of Portland, called Lake
(32:50):
Oswego.
So yeah, I was in this likefancy whole life, to being like
in a gown, like a hospital gown,having someone like poke at my
body every day and having to eatwhatever bullshit they were
giving me, having them want toforce medication on me every
single moment, and you know, I?
(33:10):
I want to say that I met somany beautiful souls within that
experience.
I think that there is a genuineum, not everyone, but there's a
genuine community of therapistsand doctors and people who were
such support to me during atime where I was so disconnected
(33:31):
from myself, and I met so manyangels within that path who just
would give me a spark of hopeand a spark of love and a spark
of love and a spark of prayerand a spark of genuine um just
heart, um and I met peoplewithin there who've become like
lifelong friends, so I am sograteful for um the community
(33:51):
that was in there and thingsthat we went through together.
But, on a lens of what thetreatment model is, it is not at
the level of consciousness ofwhere we are on this planet, for
what it means to heal.
And that's where I feel like Ineed to bring light to an issue
that is really important,especially in the relationship
between eating disorders andmental health.
(34:13):
Mental health is a little bitbroad of a spectrum and I think
that at different points in ourlives, most people have some
mental health um you know, thingthat they need to work through,
whether it's super severe orsuper.
Um you know more mild.
But mental health and therelationship to diagnosis and
(34:35):
medication is, in my opinion,not um.
There's so much more to thisstory, and the thing with most
you know SSRIs and, um ADHDmedications is that the
dependency that your body on achemical and cellular level gets
to with those medications makesit very difficult to get off of
(34:55):
them.
So it's it's like you'resigning yourself up for a
completely different life planIf you succumb to the
recommendation of medication asyour only mode of treatment.
Jenee (35:06):
Yeah, and the pathology that goes along with that you
know, and having therapists saythat you know this is maybe it
for you, right, you know?
And how damaged, how damagingthat is in and of itself.
Brittany (35:20):
Yeah, and I want to say that to anyone who's
listening, who maybe hasstruggled with depression,
anxiety, ADHD, anything witheating disorder, body image,
anything in the realm of feelinglike you're crazy because
you're having a lot of psychicthings come through that you
don't know how to understand yet, or maybe have a community
around you that understands themand makes you feel like you're
(35:42):
kind of like losing it, Likethere's so much hope and there's
so much hope for a natural wayof elevating yourself out of
those frequencies.
I think there's a very complexreason why they happen.
You know depression and anxietyespecially.
You know we live in a verystressed out culture, especially
in this country, where we aredisconnected from our organic
(36:05):
nature.
We're disconnected, you know,through the lens of being so
available to everyone all thetime, digitally, virtually,
being on our devices all thetime, like not connecting with
the elements in a way that ismore natural to our ancestors
and to parts of our nervoussystem that feel extremely
(36:26):
calmed by that.
So this pandemic of depressionand anxiety, it's kind of like a
rebellion against the way thatthe artificial intelligence and
technological revolution hasdisconnected us from more of our
organic nature.
So, you know, I thinkdepression and anxiety are
(36:48):
signals of like hey, something'swrong.
Jenee (36:52):
If you have a pain in your back.
Brittany (36:54):
It's like hey something's wrong.
It doesn't mean take amedication to numb it and ignore
it.
A band-aid on it right so thereare so many tools and ways in
which um transformation out ofthose energies, because all of
those are just levels ofconsciousness, levels of
frequency, and you have infinite, infinite power to transcend
out of them yeah, so your fourth.
Jenee (37:16):
After your fourth visit into the hospital, what were you
finally?
Just like so fuck it, I'm goingto do it my way.
I'm out, yeah.
Brittany (37:26):
So what was interesting?
So the first three were eatingdisorder specific and everything
there was focused on weight andfood.
How much food did you eat today?
How much weight did you gaintoday?
They did go into like you knowthings about body image and what
are you looking at on socialmedia?
That's creating the story aboutyour beauty and like that kind
of thing.
But all day, every day, it wasjust like food, food, food, food
(37:48):
, food.
To me, the consciousness of mypersonal struggle had to do more
with the energy of addictionand codependency.
Jenee (37:58):
And I knew that.
Brittany (37:59):
I could it.
I could feel it as like a veryclear energy, because in my 20s,
when I was addicted to theVyvanse, I was also drinking
heavily.
So I would like Vyvanse andStarbucks in the morning and
wine it at night right, wow,because it was just like the
high and the low Yep.
So when I got off the Vyvanse Ialso stopped drinking alcohol.
(38:20):
That's when I was 27.
So I, at this point, had beensober from substances for like
seven years.
So you know, my addiction thingwhatever part of my body that
has an addiction tendency now inthis layer of my life was
getting played out through foodand through sex with my partner
in this layer of my life wasgetting played out through food
(38:41):
and through sex with my partner.
We were very, very addicted tosex with each other in a way
that created a distorted conceptof what love was Um, and was
also very depleting to my bodybecause I overrode its signals
in that area Totally wanting tolike satisfy whatever I thought
was what he wanted, kind ofthing.
Jenee (39:01):
It's so interesting that you talk about that too,
because when I was in my 20s, Ihad a similar issue where I lost
a lot of weight and I was, Ikind of had my moment, like you,
where I I sort of was like itwas my entrance into my black
(39:21):
night of the soul and and my, itreally took me into my, my
shamanic healing path.
But I was at that point where Iwas like, am I going to check
out or not?
Is this my time to go?
And what happened with thisparticular partner?
Was we, um, the sexual?
(39:43):
Something about the sexualconnection was so toxic and so
addictive and when we would hookup, he, I, I really felt like
he was vampiric and he wouldliterally drain the life force,
energy out of my body.
Oh, sister.
Brittany (40:01):
Okay, so I resonate so deeply.
So if you think about thesexual energy centers, the
sacral, the sacral is also whereour stomach is, where we
receive nourishment right.
Where we receive pleasure.
Food is also very related topleasure, so it's like all
sacral vibes happening.
So I it's wild.
(40:22):
So when I first started likereally awakening to my work
within the energy healing realm,it was multiple Kundalini
awakenings, different visions,different you know, just wild
experiences, not throughayahuasca or like any
psychedelic, like all throughmeditation, through a modality
that I do called body talk.
I just had these likespontaneous awakenings and I was
(40:43):
celibate for almost four years,just in, like deep meditation,
working on myself, getting soberoff the Vyvanse, getting sober
off the alcohol.
I was just like doing me.
And in this whole other vortexwas just like doing me.
And in this whole other vortex.
Jenee (41:02):
So when I met my partner I hadn't had sex in four years.
Brittany (41:03):
Like wow, I you know it was.
It was a new thing.
So my relationship and I neverhad sober sex, which is also
very interesting yeah, um, andso when I met, I started
learning about this past withinthe Egyptian lineage and him and
I bonded a lot on Egyptianculture, egyptian philosophy of
(41:24):
levels of healing andconsciousness, and we did our
sound healing through anEgyptian mystery school.
So we had this Egyptianlifetime energy together and
there's this story that in thetime of, like, the priests and
the priestesses like in you know, a really high state of power,
the priestesses were actuallylike very magnetic and able to
(41:46):
manifest and create and visionand birth things just through
their sexual energy practices,through sex magic, totally,
totally.
And that there became this likedistortion of the priests
feeling as though they wereintimidated by that level of
power of the feminine and duringsexual magic practices that
(42:07):
they would do in that culturethere became an intention to
siphon the energy from thepriestess through the sex Wow.
And so I started learning aboutthis us through the sex Wow.
And so I started learning aboutthis.
In literally within the firstweek of him and I dating, he
kissed my third eye and I sawthis whole vision of that
happening and obviously like hewasn't consciously doing that or
(42:28):
like it wasn't an intention.
But I think when there'scodependent frequencies within
any partnership during sexualenergy exchange.
There can be cords that happenunconsciously, where you are
siphoning and taking energy fromeach other in ways that can be
addictive and it can be drainingand it can be very toxic and it
(42:52):
can be very debilitating toyour health and to your energy.
So that definitely happens to meas well, and it's very
confusing, because usually withthose people the sex is like
another fucking level.
So you're like what ishappening, right, but it's like
a drug like yeah, you can getsuper high, but the low is a
(43:12):
killer, completely so at the.
Jenee (43:16):
At what point do you, kind of like, make this
connection?
Do you make the connection that, like the parasitic um energy
that is siphoning, whether it'ssomething you picked up when you
were, you know, as apractitioner or in the
relationship?
Do you make this connection atsome point after like?
Brittany (43:37):
I always knew, yeah, but you know, when you just like
lie to yourself, yeah, becauseyou love someone so much or you
love the people you're workingwith so much, and like I had
major nice girl, unrecoveredvibes, yeah, where my people
pleasing, lack of awareness ofthe ways in which I overrode my
body signals or my intuition, Iwas so in just like the good
(44:01):
girl, nice girl, era of likejust being the sweetest little
thing who never got angry anddidn't know how to be angry in a
safe way, didn't know how tolisten to when she wasn't
feeling well, so she just likeput on a happy face.
I did that even though I knewthat these parasitic feelings
were true in my body.
And so I kind of always knew.
(44:23):
I always knew, but I lied tomyself and it's crazy how long
you can lie to yourself and likemake yourself really sick into
your body and your mind has justhad enough.
And then you end up in afucking mental institution
saying that you want to killyourself.
Like it can get to that levelif you don't listen.
It's like those whispers andthe whispers, and the whispers
and then it gets loud.
Your body just like freaks out.
(44:45):
So I really feel that the eatingdisorder and the binge eating
episodes and the craziness thatI was experiencing it was a gift
to like shake me out of my nicegirl era, like in a way that I
could integrate parts of thesemore difficult emotions of anger
(45:06):
or having strong boundaries orbeing in your like dark feminine
power.
I did not know how to be thatgirl.
Like I was so afraid of anger,like so uncomfortable with it.
I grew up in a household wherethere was a lot of unexpected
anger often, and so to me thatwas like never a safe emotion
(45:31):
and I didn't know how powerfuland important anger is to
respect as a natural emotionwithin your system, and so mine
started to bottle up into theselike crazy episodes of binge
eating, because I would feel allthe sensation.
It's almost like the bingeeating was a way to like numb
myself for an hour and then feelthe aftermath.
(45:55):
So, yeah, I, you know.
So the fourth eating doesn't.
It's funny.
You say like what transitioncause the fourth one was very
different.
So the fourth one, I decided Iwas like you know what I'm done
with the eating disordertreatment world Cause it's not
working.
Yeah, I want to go to anaddiction recovery center.
So I found an addictionrecovery center called
(46:16):
Evolutions in Florida and I wentthere and so in there, yeah,
they deal with some people haveeating disorders, but the
majority of people that are inthat treatment center they are
coming off of fentanyl, heroin,alcohol, cocaine.
It's crazy Like it's literallylike an environment that I never
(46:38):
expected that I would willinglyput myself in.
I thought I was in a movie.
However, that's where I actuallyhad a breakthrough was in that
center, because the energy ofaddiction and the energy of
codependency was what wasfocused on and had nothing to do
with food.
So I ate what I would want toeat, normally very healthy
things I ordered in all of myown food.
(46:58):
They didn't care.
So I ate what I would want toeat, normally very healthy
things.
I ordered in all of my own food.
I they didn't care what I ate.
They didn't care if I gainedweight.
They just wanted to seewhatever I identified as healing
and creating a plan around thatand helping me make a
breakthrough in that way.
So it actually was.
You know, although the the levelof the environment was not the
(47:23):
highest energy, right, these area lot of people who grew up in
very difficult lives, withparents on drugs and you know, I
I had one of, like my very goodfriends in there who worked
there.
He overdosed while he was inthere, like that type of energy.
I never thought that I would bearound, yeah, but I brought
(47:48):
sound healing there.
I taught yoga every morning, Idid workout classes and like got
everyone into working out, andit ended up being a place where
I healed through getting back tomy work in being of service
where.
I had purpose again like peoplewanted to learn about sound
healing.
They wanted to learn about myessential oils.
(48:09):
They like wanted to come to myroom and like do a body talk
session.
They're like please, can youlike teach yoga tomorrow morning
?
Can you play sound bowl everylunch break, like we'll, instead
of like doing the lunchactivity, like we want to like
come to your sound class.
So I created, like thiscommunity of um education in a
place like that that did nothave some of these more holistic
(48:31):
um shamanic tools or energyhealing tools, because that
wasn't a part of the protocol,it wasn't a part of the recovery
, it wasn't a part of therecovery plan, and I had many
people in there tell me thatsome of their biggest
breakthroughs or states of peaceor hope came from my sound
healing sessions.
And so that's where I startedto feel a sense of myself again,
(48:54):
because so much of my identityand mission on this planet is to
facilitate that work and tofeel as though I have purpose in
helping others.
Um, and I could get back tothat purpose with more um energy
to do it.
Jenee (49:09):
Wow, and and I'm so curious, now that you're you're
you are exercising a lot.
I don't sense that you're inthe like workout craze where I
feel like working out can be acult in and of itself and it can
be so you know, kind of likehow you started.
(49:31):
Yeah.
Brittany (49:32):
It's.
It's a very interesting culturebecause, you know, coming from
my background where my partnerwas a trainer, all a lot of my
friends were trainers.
I worked at gyms, I was just inthat realm.
And fitness is healthy, it'snecessary.
It's a very foundational part ofour um, you know, evolution
into becoming our best self isto have a really strong fitness
(49:54):
practice.
I think where it can be atricky mental and emotional and
spiritual place is where there'sthis little signal in your body
and if you're in touch enoughwith yourself to know how to
navigate that voice or thatsensation, I think that, um, you
(50:15):
know, you can be more balancedin a way that your masculine and
feminine energies withinyourself are both having equal
say Right.
So, like for me, I went fromdoing a lot of bar and yoga and,
like a lot of you know, danceand like being very fluid and
feminine, to very rigid inweightlifting a certain type of
(50:36):
way for many hours and with avery clear intention of having a
very specific body type that Icould control, right, and so I
think that finding dynamicmovement that is varied Right.
So like you're not weightliftingsuper heavy seven days a week,
(50:57):
and only doing that Right.
It's like having those strengthdays, having more mobility,
flexibility, kind of yoga days,swimming days, running days,
having dancing days, havingtwerking days, having pole dance
class days, having ice skatingdays, right, and like just
finding a more, just a funapproach to movement where
(51:20):
you're honoring a desire toelevate your body into different
, you know, challenges orpotential for its growth or
evolution, or strength or beauty, but not from a place of
creating an identity around yourworth based on that, absolutely
, absolutely.
Jenee (51:40):
I feel like we could talk for another half an hour.
Brittany (51:42):
I know there's so much , oh my gosh, there's so much to
go into.
Jenee (51:45):
I want to have you back on.
Brittany (51:49):
Yeah, so I will say too.
So just to like close the storyyeah, After I checked out of
that treatment center, I endedup moving back to Portland.
I like tried to get back withthe ex wasn't flowing, obviously
wasn't going to work out and Ifound on Instagram this doctor
(52:09):
named Dr Brett Jones.
Jenee (52:10):
Yes, and I saw that he was doing.
I'm so glad you're bringingthis back.
Thank you.
Brittany (52:14):
Well, like how I got here and I started mentoring
with him through a coachinggroup that he has called the
Healing Way, and I bought thisprogram called the Healing Codes
and even when I got out of thattreatment center I didn't feel
better, like I got a little bitof myself back, but I was still
having binge episodes.
The thing wasn't healed.
(52:34):
Whatever the thing was, it wasnot better.
The thing wasn't healed,whatever the.
Jenee (52:38):
Thing was.
Brittany (52:38):
it was not better and I, in the three months after I
got out of treatment in Florida,I had multiple, multiple binge
disorder episodes again.
So there was not healing, Eventhough there was shift there was
not healing.
Yeah, so I meet Dr Brett and Istart doing in January of this
year, this online coaching groupwith him, called the healing
(52:58):
way, where we meet weekly.
This is a group that stillexists that we're going to be
launching in 2024 that you canmessage me or reach out to learn
more about.
But as soon as I startedconnecting with him, he took me
through on our second call, oneof the most potent,
transformational coachingexperiences just over zoom, 40
(53:21):
minute, like interaction.
Where I'm in Portland, he's inTucson, and he created a vision
for a potential for my nextchapter, like on the other side
of really having this eatingdisorder completely gone from my
mind and from my body in a waythat like it's hard to put into
words because it was so shamanicthe level of energy that moved.
(53:44):
And with that, like three daysafter that, I had a dream that I
was in Tucson, like meeting himand meeting his whole team and
like being here.
And the next morning he textedme and he's like hey, would you
ever come to Tucson, cause I hada dream that you being here.
And the next morning he textedme and he's like hey, would you
ever come to Tucson?
Cause I had a dream that youwere here?
No way.
Jenee (54:02):
And I'm like.
Brittany (54:02):
I had the same dream.
That's amazing.
I come to Tucson and mybreakthrough and truly healing
the eating disorder has beenthrough this community here, has
been through doing work withyou through our different
ceremonies and Ricky, andthrough this healing way
coaching group, and also there'ssomething very potent about the
(54:23):
energy and the medicine of thedesert for me, right Like I
first got off the medicationwhen I came to Sedona, like
Arizona, something for me, Umand so, through my work with um,
the source chiropractic,through my work with the healing
way, that's where I've beenable to let go of this eating
disorder this year, to wherethose thoughts, those behaviors
(54:45):
since I moved to Tucson has noteven been a part of my reality
anymore.
Jenee (54:49):
Amazing.
Brittany (54:50):
I just wanted to give praise to Tucson for saving my
soul and just opening up a wholedifferent life, and I'm really
honored and excited to be ableto share this story.
So thank you for having me.
Thank, you so much I'm going tobe in 2024, opening up my books
again, to be doing quantumenergy and sound healing work,
(55:11):
specifically with people who arestruggling with eating
disorders, because I think oneof the most potent aspects of
having a mentor, a coach,counselor, like someone who's
holding space for yourtransformation with that
particular issue, is actuallythat they embody the codes of
being on the other side of itfrom having been in it, so I'm
(55:32):
really grateful to be on thatother side and be able to open
that, and then you also have acookbook coming out, or do you
have a?
cookbook already it's building.
it's called mermaid magiccookbook and I actually love
creating just like the mostdelicious organic wild recipes
of like all varieties, like, ifyou follow my Instagram stories,
(55:53):
you'll see something most days,and so I I feel like a big way
that I'm going to serve kind ofthe higher realm of eating
disorder recovery and bringing avoice is to get this cookbook
and this book into differenttreatment centers, different
support groups.
But it's going to be a cookbook, but it's also going to talk a
(56:14):
lot about my journey with eatingdisorder body image um, body
dysmorphia and how recovery umthrough nourishment and
unconditional love, throughnourishment and through food um
has been a support in mytransformation.
Wow.
Jenee (56:30):
Oh my gosh, I've learned so much from you, just like
being, you know, part of yourcleanse group, and just oh, I
love it.
I cannot wait to see whatblossoms from your work.
Brittany (56:42):
I'm so so proud of you , I'm so inspired by you.
I'm also taking singing lessonsright now.
With who?
With Shiloh.
Jenee (56:49):
Why aren't you taking them with me?
I should be taking them withyou.
Oh, shiloh Ray, yeah, oh, she'samazing.
Brittany (56:54):
Yeah, okay, I want to do it with everyone, that's okay
.
Jenee (56:57):
Shiloh is the best.
Brittany (56:58):
Oh my gosh, but I'm so inspired by you and actually at
our last ceremony, on Dia delos Muertos, I got to sing
alongside you for the first time, and I want to also say like
singing and dancing has beensuch a potent medicine in my
recovery.
It's something that I was sodisconnected from when I was in
(57:20):
the disorder.
I couldn't sing, I couldn'tlisten to music, I couldn't
dance, I couldn't do any ofthose feminine things.
So I just want to thank you forbringing such a beautiful gift
to this world through your musicand through your teaching of
sound and voice, because I thinkthat vocal toning and using
your voice has such a power forattuning your frequency into a
(57:43):
different vibration in a waythat, um, everyone, deserves to
(58:12):
know more.
Jenee (58:12):
You, thank you.
Love Got questions about acertain healing modality or
about heart-centered healing, ormaybe you just need some advice
on life, love or creativity.
Send it my way.
Email me at letters atheartlightpodcastcom.
Until next time, I'm JanaeHalstead, and thanks for
listening to Heartlight Sessions.
My heart like a thousand voltsof sunshine.
(58:39):
Thank you.
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