July 15, 2025 • 52 mins
What happens when your body breaks... but it's your soul that needs healing?
In this raw and powerful conversation, Tess Brouwer shares the story behind her life-altering spinal cord injury that forced her to stop running from pain, from grief, from herself. Tess, a mental fitness trainer and co-founder of Awake Academy, opens up about the unspoken traumas she buried for decades - from childhood instability to losing her teenage soulmate to suicide - and how her injury became a portal into profound emotional healing.
Together with host Mitch Wallis, Tess explores why feeling is more important than fixing, how shame manifests in the body, and what it takes to truly let go of pain. With practical tools, embodied wisdom, and brutal honesty, this episode is a guide for anyone ready to stop pretending they’re okay—and start healing for real.
If you've ever felt broken, numb, anxious, or like you’re holding it all together just to get through the day—this conversation might be the permission slip you didn’t know you needed.
Find Tess online at
https://www.instagram.com/tesscbrouwer/
Link to her book:
https://www.penguin.com.au/books/awake-academy-9781761345869
Link to her business:
https://www.instagram.com/awake_academy/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
All right, run it. I wonder what you mean when you
use the word I use the word I, I, I, I kick a break.
We have an aversion to ourselvesand to what's happening inside
(00:21):
us, inside us. I've been very interested in
this problem for a long, long time.
Something settles. Welcome back to the Heart on my
Sleeve podcast. I am Mitch Wallace and I'm proud
to be hosting this chat today with Tess Brauer.
(00:43):
She's a leading emotional and mental fitness trainer.
She's a practitioner of positivepsychology and well being.
She does speaking workshop. She's an author, mother and
former Virgin leader Virgin Australia, so she blends 20
years of her corporate leadership experience with real
(01:04):
life experiences including burnout, injury, motherhood and
rebuilding from rock bottom. She had a massive spinal cord
injury and that really forced her to face a bunch of emotional
trauma and wounding that she'd put aside for decades.
And now she's one of Australia'smost trusted voices in this
(01:24):
space. And she's founded the Awake
Academy alongside seven time world champion surf legend Lane
Beechley. And she works with some of the
biggest companies in the country.
And today we really cover what it means to heal both from
physical and emotional pain. And what I love about this
(01:46):
discussion with Tess is how aligned we are around what it
means to do the work and get better.
You know, so often in society wetalk about thinking our way out
when Tess is a proponent of feeling your way out and feeling
pain you don't think is possibleto process and integrate and
release. So I hope that even if you
haven't experienced the same version of the situation is her,
(02:10):
which chances are you you haven't, you relate to the
deeper emotional narratives around unprocessed grief, shame,
anger, and how you can use that to become the best version of
yourself. So without further ado, I'd like
to welcome Tess. Tess, I thought about this
(02:35):
moment of your injury as what struck me like is this almost
awakening moment. And it's interesting because a
lot of your work has to do with with that word.
In 2018 you moved to Switzerlandto pursue your dream job and you
had a life changing spinal cord and and brain injury from a
(02:56):
skiing accident. Spent seven months in hospital,
3 months in a in a ward and two surgeries.
Discharged in 2019. The moment you fell in that
skiing accident, what was your first thought?
Oh fuck. Second thought.
I have to carry on. Everything's OK, I'm OK.
(03:18):
And that went with pins and needles up and down my legs and
instant headache and just like that absolute shock horror
because I was with the people that I worked with and I have
lived my life as a carry on queen, like just the absolute
masker of all pain and all suffering to keep going.
(03:40):
And so I did what I have always done in my whole life is to get
up and go and almost run in thatmoment.
And that running from ignoring all of those symptoms and like a
deep, it was like a deep knowingthat I've done something bad to
(04:02):
myself, which I've fascinated with before, like.
I've had moments like that wheresomething in your gut goes or
this is this is a bad one. Something has happened and and
so were you down a crevasse or were you were you on the
surface? No, so I was like really up
high. Like I was up high on a black
(04:24):
run, which I shouldn't have beenon, but I was there because I
was trying to impress everyone on my first day.
And naturally I just thought I've just got to get down.
I've just got to get off this mountain.
And I had like a welcome drinks,which I didn't go to because I
was just, I just needed to get home.
Cracking headache. I just wanted to be in I'm I'm a
(04:47):
the type of person that wants togo into a cave and heal with no
one around me. OK, I was and I still that is my
default. I run away and I just want to
hide like an injured bear and then kind of rebuild.
And I just thought, well, that'sit.
That's all I have to do. But my judgement was so crowded
(05:07):
with shame. Like, what have I done with
fear? Like, am I going to have to go
back to Australia? Like, is this over before it
started, like my failure? And so I just kept masking it,
and that was the awful part. Did you tell people that day,
(05:27):
hey, I've had a fall? Yeah, they were there and they
knew. And a person that I worked with,
we went home and yeah, I just took some Panadol and carried
on. And that continued on.
And I flew to England very quickly because I had to work
over there. And I was with my family and
they called my mom back at home and said, is everything I think
(05:50):
like something's wrong with Tess.
And I just assured everyone thatI was fine.
But I was like wetting my pants and not knowing what room I was
in. Like I was in a house in a room,
but forgetting which one I was in.
And the rooms was constantly spinning and shaking and I just
felt constantly sick. But I just kept on pushing and
(06:10):
pushing and pushing. And I googled the symptoms too
because I was so out of my brain.
And it said Ms. And I thought, well, maybe I have both.
Maybe I've got both things. So I was just in a world of
hurt. And the truth is, Mitch is, I
just wasn't listening to myself.Well, that seems to be one of
(06:34):
the biggest things you've learned, which I I can't wait
to, to get into around the ability to, to stop running
away. But it also seems like the
physical injury was merely an awakening, but also an entry
point into emotional traumas that you had buried.
(06:57):
You know, you, you talk about being 32 under psychiatric care
of your parents. You had to move home and, and
everything kind of went out the window that you'd built up until
that point. You're on antipsychotics,
antidepressants, painkillers. Now the the emotional trauma
that emerged off the back of this physical injury was all the
(07:17):
things that you buried, like growing up in a split family and
your boyfriend dying when you'rea teenager.
How did you back then when you were younger?
How did you deal with that trauma at the time?
I ran, I did exactly what I've always done is ignored it,
pushed it away, numbed it, drankit away, partied it away, put
(07:43):
band aids over it with like makeup or holidays or self care
disguised as looking after myself.
But really it was just like maskafter mask after mask.
And it's interesting because I had created a career around
masking as well. And the there's a certain level
(08:04):
of expectation when you work forthe people that I have and the
brands that I have is that you are the top of the top or
invincible. And you can work really hard and
achieve great results and do allthese amazing things.
But deep down, I had left my body and my heart behind, and I
was leading from emptiness and Iwas leading from a place of
(08:26):
absolute fear that someone's gonna see me or I'm gonna get
exposed because of, you know, this shame that I had around my
life and the stories that I've created around it.
So it was the only thing I do know how to do and extremely
well is to get up and go keep, keep going.
(08:46):
So the irony or the gift that I was given was there was nowhere
to go. So you're obviously a
professional runner running awayand it, it, it had to have taken
a, a bear shaped stop sign for you to abandon that traditional
(09:08):
skill of, of, of masking and pretending.
Tell me about what the physical pain was like and the emotional
pain that stopped you in your tracks that made you not be able
to run away anymore. Well, when I, I was like at
(09:30):
times paralysed, couldn't feel my legs, my hands and and that
comes on and off and I still geta little bit of that today at
times. So I had nowhere to go when I
was in hospital. Like I couldn't.
All the exercises that I thoughtI could do, I couldn't.
And I had a neck brace on for three months.
And so I was like really forced into it.
(09:54):
But that was the gift to Mitch. Like that was honest, like that
saved my life. But the body whispers before it
screams. And then it's like the snowball
gets bigger and bigger and bigger.
So the hospital was my snowball.But I felt this pain at numerous
parts of my life where I've had to lean into pain, but I've just
(10:14):
pushed it deep further within me.
So like, I remember having a proper anxiety attack at work
because I was in between loads of different events.
I had to go out a lot, drink a lot because I, I think the
hardest words you can say to work event is I'm not drinking
tonight. Like that takes a lot of power.
(10:35):
And I didn't have that. And I had a complete panic
attack where I shut down and I just couldn't.
It was like I was absolutely paralysed.
Now I can name lots of those moments in my life where I've
just frozen and then the only thing I knew what to do was to
go out and get back on the trainand to go and have fun and be
(10:57):
fun Tess and have a night of drinking and all of that just
kept keeps on compressing in me.So when I was like the depth of
the pain and I still remember this day is after I left
hospital, I remembered to drive like being in the car, in my
(11:17):
mum's car, reclined in my seat in my neck brace.
And I walked into my family homewith my new like bed and or I
was carrying my handbag and it was a Louis Vuitton handbag that
I got with my paycheck. And like, these are my like,
(11:37):
band aids that there I was like in one pair of clothes because I
didn't have any. I'd like, I, I just, I hadn't
got any of my clothes back from Switzerland.
And all I could wear in hospitalwas like Bonds tracksuit pants
and exercise gear. And my mum and stepdad were like
looking at me like, here's your bedroom and here's your home.
(12:00):
And I just said, oh, I just needa moment.
And I shut the door and I just realised I was like, what the
fuck has happened to me? How did I get here?
Like, And I just sat on the floor and I finally allowed
myself to cry. And I wept and I wept and I
(12:23):
wept. And I was like, because up until
that point everything was, well,we've got a fixed test.
It was his and psychotic medicine or she's got complex
PTSD or she's got like, so everything was like, oh, you're
in pain, take this Med or you want to go to the gym where
you're going to get pain, have this endo and like it was
constantly like don't let her fall down again.
(12:48):
Like I know I was propped up andpropped up because that was
survival. And then it wasn't until I sat
down like on the floor and my dog, I remember my dog came in
and it Frankie was like was allowed in hospital and was
allowed and he just sat on my lap and just leaped my face and
I just went, fuck. I have to learn to love myself
(13:13):
again. I have to learn to love myself
enough to deal with the pain that I've buried, to accept the
fact that I'd landed up here. Like, and I feel like I meet a
lot of people that come to this point in their life.
Like, how did I get here? It's like, well, it's a lifetime
of lessons and stories that you've either ignored or played.
(13:35):
And so, yeah, it was just a moment of like, if I don't love
myself the way this dog is loving me right now, if I don't
deal with this trauma and this pain, like this will be my life.
God bless Frankie, is the lessonI'm taking out of that story.
For being. So unconditionally loving.
(13:57):
Yeah. Before, before the accident, you
know, it sounds like that there was stuff that you were aware of
bubbling beneath the surface andsometimes above the surface with
regard to like, complex PTSD. How did that play out?
What were the signs that you or other people could see that you
(14:18):
weren't OK before that? Yeah, it's it's an interesting
concept to talk about it retrospectively because I feel
like, and I'm gonna start, I'll talk about death and how it
impacted me because we all deal with this in certain areas of
our life. And I guess the the first death
(14:42):
was really the death of the understanding of my family
construct was not it anymore. So because when I was, I was 2
1/2 and my parents, my, my mum and stepdad are still together
today and they created like a really loving home.
But you have to accept somewhereinside of you that that
construct doesn't exist anymore.So for me at such a young age,
(15:03):
family wasn't family from within, It was externally.
So I was looking at other families to define what family
meant because mine wasn't normal.
So that was like the First Avenue of I guess like my first
trauma. And I, and I remember, I like, I
remember in therapy thinking, well, it didn't affect me.
(15:24):
There's wars in, you know, Ukraine.
There's like big things going on.
It's like, and I had to accept that that was really big for a 2
1/2 year old. And my son is just turned 3.
And I look at him and I realise,wow, that would be really hard
for you to understand what was going on, like emotionally
(15:47):
knowing that something was wrong.
But then everyone pretending around you that it's all OK, you
know, like everything's fine. We've, we've partnered up, we've
moved on. And like I, I really feel that
in myself that any destabilisingof structure or place is really
unsettling for me. So I'm constantly looking for
(16:10):
that sense of security in my relationships.
I'm anxiously attached because Ineed to know that things are all
good, otherwise someone's going to leave.
So that's the first layer of PTSD that I have is around
safety and, and anxiousness around needing validation or
needing to be proved that everything is safe.
(16:31):
I'm safe, our relationship is safe.
And then when I was 16, the boy that I honestly felt like was my
soul mate and, and at that time he was, he chose to end his
life. And so instead of doing things
that normal 16 year olds were doing, like I'd have to go to
(16:58):
the morgue to get counselling every week.
And like, I have to look at thiswith deep respect for parents
and and his parents. Like I am not that wasn't the
loss that I felt and I will never understand those that
level of pain. But for me, it was just a shock
(17:22):
of like, whatever what has happened?
Like how did I get here? What's my role in this?
I felt blame, I felt shame. I felt like I could have done
better. I the silence and suffering that
someone feels when you someone chooses to end their life and
(17:45):
you're left behind picking up the pieces and asking all of the
questions and ruminating every scenario over and over and over
again. Like that is a pain that I truly
don't wish on anyone. And that level of like of
(18:07):
myself, of like self blame and of everything I did and didn't
do for him and for the people around me.
Like that is something that I will forever have to work on in
myself. And that's like, it is a deep,
deep pain. And that level of PTSD is
(18:29):
anything around accidents, sirens, loud noises.
I have step kids now who are hisage and they leave on an E bike
and I can't sleep. When someone says they're coming
home and they don't come home, that has a level of trigger in
(18:51):
me and the need to know what's going on in the world all the
time. Almost like possessively
happened. So I became super attuned to, I
wasn't like an ambulance chaser,but it felt like that.
It felt like my fear was everyone else's fear and I was
(19:12):
just looking for stories of fearconstantly.
And I became really good at servicing people when they'd
gone through bad times or like Iwas there, but at the cost of my
own health and well being as well.
Like, and unfortunately, growingup on the on the northern
beaches, we weren't short of trauma and tragedy like it
(19:33):
happened. We lost a few people.
And so every time someone else would pass away, it would just
compress and compact that I started to truly believe that I
was cursed, that we were cursed,that something's wrong with us.
So that was another level of PTSD.
(19:53):
And again, like the only thing, and I remember going to so many
different therapists about this particularly because.
You go into like a system and they want you to get therapy at
at Glebe morgue. And it became really technical
for me about what had happened that it didn't.
(20:18):
It didn't really adjust to how Iwas going to adjust to world,
the world and go back to school.Like go, I had to go back to
school knowing that this big thing had happened and I'd be
sitting there like trying to do an English assessment and all I
would say is flashbacks of that night or like someone would make
like it was just, it's just constant.
(20:40):
And I wasn't prepared for that level of flashbacks.
And then everyone would go out on the weekend and we'd all
drink and that was the only timethat I felt relief from what I
was seeing and the pain. So that became my blanket.
Go out, have fun. And it's interesting, like I
(21:01):
talk to my step kids about this all the time.
And I talk to them about drug and alcohol abuse and I talk to
them about suicide prevention and how to manage the situation
and to ask someone like, do you,are you suicidal?
Do you have a plan? And I talk to them about it and
they're like, how can you ask someone like that when they're
upset? And I was like, it's critical.
Trust me, you need to talk aboutthese things.
(21:23):
And they reflect back to me someof the conversations they've had
to have with their friends around, like drugs or alcohol or
mental health. And I'm like, gosh, that gives
me great pride. But at least I'm encouraging the
next generation to do what I feel like I failed at that time
(21:46):
and that my pain can help them navigate these like really
complex issues that there aren't, there is just no rule
book around how to deal with it.So that's that's that's another
layer of PTSD. And then it happens when your
(22:07):
parents like, am I, what am I giving you?
Is it safe? Can you can it be trusted?
And I question every single label and like daycare centre or
whatever it is to the 8th degree.
So it's really hard. And actually when I was writing
my book, we had to provide medical evidence for everything
(22:30):
that we would stated or claimed.And the question was, does tests
have complex PTSD or is it just PTSD?
And it triggered this huge PT like this episode in me and I
just fell to pieces 'cause I thought like questioning
someone's medical label is really tough because like, as
(22:56):
you know, a physical injury you can prove like, oh, I've got
this or I've got that scan, likeI've been scanned 45,000 times
on my neck. And but a mental illness or
injury is just so hard to show someone like this is what it's
like for you. And like, I, I obviously get it.
(23:21):
Like I understand why things need to be shown and proven.
But inside of me, I was like, oh, I really do have this
complex trauma. So it was like owning it on top
of owning it, if that makes sense.
It's like, OK, these are the labels I've worked so hard to
work with. And and you talk about this
(23:43):
dance showing what like what youhave to deal with mentally every
day. And that was my dance is like, I
have to again, accept that this is a part of me.
It's not all of me, but I have to learn to be able to talk
about complex PTSD because I am published.
I have published a book about myjourney in it.
(24:08):
But even when I talk about it, I'm like, and I have to onboard
my family into that. So my my husband came in the
other day and I said to him, thekids were talking about this on
the table last night and it was about someone else not even in
this country. And I can't sleep because I
(24:29):
can't stop thinking about this vision that I've got stuck in my
head. And he just looked at me and
he's like, can't believe you have to deal with that every
day. Like I know I said to you, do
you think about this? Like whenever someone.
And he said, no, I don't, I don't hold on to that.
(24:54):
So it is so hard when you're dealing with visions,
flashbacks, anxiety. Like I see so many mums with
anxiety around their children. And I know that there's like
deep stuff that comes up with that, that I know I have it, but
just having someone to talk to, to say like, this is my
(25:16):
irrational crazy brain right now.
It is saying this. And to have someone to sit down
in the moment, 'cause you can't always go to therapy was like
really helpful. So yeah, it's a big My journey
with PTSD is like very complex. Yeah, what I what I heard from
from that test is that there wasa lot of moments of grief that
(25:42):
weren't able to be resolved in the moments that they occurred.
And as a result, this huge senseof unsafe seems to have consumed
a lot of your life. You know, this overwhelming
sense of the Vadnais is just around the corner.
(26:03):
And your default was was fear. And I found it really
interesting, you know, reading parts of your book and hearing
in your story that you describedit as having this deep desire to
let your feelings out, you know,to feel the pain that you'd
never processed but protected. But you made the choice to feel
(26:26):
it. And, you know, I have a very
similar life philosophy that thetruth will set you free.
And you got to feel it to heal it.
Why do you think that works? Well, actually there's two
questions. The 1st is how did you decide to
stop running and and go toward the pain?
(26:47):
And then why do you think going toward the pain is so powerful?
I had been trying to be like unbreakable, unstoppable my
whole life, that it was fine, I was fine.
And like, deep down I knew that what I wanted to say is like, my
(27:10):
life's falling apart. I've got, I feel like I'm
imagining ways I could die and everything's not fine.
But that's all I am is I've justgot to keep going for those
around me. It became about everyone else,
not me. And I realised that was a really
unhealthy place to be when I wasin that pain of like on the
(27:36):
floor of my parents home. And I'd been in hospital for
that ferns like in and out for seven months.
But three months in a spinal ward, I had been looking after
everyone else in the spinal wardas well.
So I'd been caring for them and looking after them and which I
loved and I still pride myself on that.
(27:57):
But it wasn't until I was like at home looking in the mirror
and I thought, you haven't criedyet.
And anyone who doesn't cry or have a release of some sort,
like when we're human, like we have to feel human.
And I went to my psychiatrist and I said, like, I can't cry.
Is it these meds? He's like, yeah, that'd be part
(28:20):
of it. And I said, I need to come off
them. I need to be able to release.
I need to like, like properly cry because I, I also went to a
therapist, a psychologist, and she told me she couldn't treat
me. And I was like, for someone who
wants safety, I was like, why? I thought I'd be a great case to
(28:40):
work on. And she said, you talk around
all of your problems, not into them.
And that hit me. And I thought, she said, you're
trying to control this therapy session right now by talking.
You're giving me all of the words, but you're not prepared
to feel what's going on inside of you.
(29:01):
And she was the one that said, like, emotions is data in our
body and it's telling us something.
It's telling us there's pain or there's trauma or there's
happiness. Whatever it is, if you don't let
that pain hit you, it will compress and stack and build up
for a lifetime. So I think she's and I do know
(29:23):
the science around it now it's 90 seconds.
But I like the problem with someone who's decided not to let
themselves feel feel for 34 years, I hadn't actually given
myself the ability to properly feel that pain.
So I said to my psychiatrist, I need to feel.
I need to process this. And luckily he thought I was
ready because it is a big deal to be able to say I'm going all
(29:47):
in. But I had, I quite literally had
nowhere else to go. So I weaned off of a few of my
drugs and just let it come. And it wasn't like I didn't have
the funds to go on a retreat. Like I would have loved to have
gone on a Gottman retreat and I would have loved to have been
able to just immerse myself in healing.
(30:09):
But the truth was, is like I hadto live my life.
I had to show up. I had to go to different like
physical therapy sessions. So it was just in on the floor
of my bedroom, just crying, being angry, letting it out.
You also to that and you talk about becoming aware of your
feelings, not being them. We're so how?
(30:33):
How do you feel your feelings but not become them?
Well, first of all, I acknowledge where they are in my
body like the deep like sadness in in me.
It sits like within all of me and I have to I can feel when
I'm sad now I say I am feeling sad.
(30:56):
I am not sad. So I use lots of different
tricks now so that I don't become what I am.
Like I was really angry for a while.
Like, doesn't mean I'm angry, but I was feeling really angry
about everything that had happened to me in my life.
Why me? So I started to develop a
(31:17):
language around those feelings. That and like I had different
tricks. Like if I was feeling really
depressed, I'd just get in the bath and I'd imagine washing
that pain away in the bath. Or if I couldn't get in the
bath, I'd get in the shower and I'd let myself feel depressed.
And then I'd imagine depression washing off me in the shower and
(31:40):
then leaving because the body isso visual, like internally
visual. And I, I think we, we don't give
ourselves enough ability to learn these different tools
because we look like we're superhuman.
You know, we want to be, we don't want these things to
bother us. So we just keep on keep on
(32:01):
going. So that was a big one for me is
like anywhere that I could imagine, like crawling up, like
screwing up grief and shame intoa piece of paper and ripening
up, throwing it and burning it like so it was like very much a
physical, emotional and quite literal way of getting rid of
(32:23):
pain and trauma and still is now.
Like Benji was upset the other day and because like I, we've
learned about this. We talk about there's a song
called Shake My Sillies Out. And he was really frustrated at
me because I took something awayfrom him.
I can't remember. He was probably trying to jump
off something or do something and I took it away from him and
he got really angry. And Chris actually got him and
(32:45):
said, what are you feeling? He's like, I'm frustrated at
Mummy and he's like, OK, we'll stomp it out.
So he starts stomping around thehouse and he's like, I'm
frustrated. I'm is like frustrated.
And he's stomping it out. And he said, do you feel better
now? And he's like, no, just kept.
And he kept on doing it for like, I don't know, a minute.
(33:06):
And then he turned around and hesaid, I'm OK, Mummy, I love you
again. Came up and gave me a hug.
But that's what it's like. But the human form, yeah, that's
what it's like. Well, there's, you know, feeling
your feelings sounds like such asimple thing to do, but most of
us go our whole life by not doing that, in fact, becoming
(33:27):
experts at avoiding them. And so learning how to do that
in a safe and therapeutic way, IE to not be consumed by it.
But almost like you're watching weather come in and out and
you're feeling the sun on your face.
You, you don't become the sun, but you experience the sun.
And I've found that, you know, mindfulness practise is a really
(33:48):
great way of building a relationship to your emotions,
what we call in psychology your somatic experience, so that that
can be done without overwhelmingyou or consuming you.
One big thing that you just referenced that was an awakening
moment for me in my own therapy journey was I got really good at
identifying and being with theseheart experiences, but I wasn't
(34:13):
progressing in therapy like I thought I could.
And one day my therapist asked me, but where are you releasing
them to? And I said, I'm not.
And he's like, feel it. But then there's a Step 2 that's
really important, which is to integrating it by by letting it
go. And I said, well, how do you let
an emotion go? And he's and to, to, to what you
(34:35):
were referencing before he said,well, there's lots of avenues,
but one of the best ways is to visualise once you've
experienced it, to allow it to either be burnt up by your solar
plexus. If, if there's, you know, a
feeling in your stomach, imagineit becomes a cauldron that moves
it from kind of liquid to gas. Or if you're feeling like anger
(34:57):
in your throat, Can you imagine it oozing and dripping out the
bottom of your feet? Can you like that type of
process is so key. And that's really when the cycle
of the loop kind of felt like that Nike fitness band
connecting at the end. And it was like, oh, OK, this is
how we expand the nervous systemis by releasing it, which builds
(35:18):
capacity. Yeah, and each one has like
there's an MRI machine that was scanned, that scanned people and
how they felt. And it's incredible to see.
And I'll give it to you after this that you can put it up with
this podcast is like anger fillssomeone and they're so red
through the, the top half of their body that nothing in their
(35:40):
legs. And it's like that one's
fascinating because when I'm angry, I want to go move like I
need to get out. Like you go for runs like it's,
it's to allow anger to move through your body.
So that's a almost an easy one, but for shame, like shame is the
(36:01):
one of the hardest things to move within your body.
And and the MRI of shame is likereally black and really blue and
really dark. And we get people at awake
account and we get them to draw shame and it's always really
dark and deep, like deep circlesof loops that people can't get
(36:22):
out of. And I feel like there's so much
shame in me for everything I have done and haven't done in my
life, even now. So shame is one that I had to
identify as like, OK, you're notmarried, you're not engaged, you
don't have babies. Like you don't have a home.
(36:44):
You're now on the floor of your parents home.
Like that was shame. And I remember that was the one
that I just had to keep on imagining washing through me.
Like every time I had a bath or a shower, I was like just
letting it go, letting it go. And when you look at some of the
top, like Doctor Michael Gervaisis one of the top sports
(37:06):
psychologists that there is out there.
And he talks about this as our emotions, if we don't let them
like move through US and they become US.
And then in really high pressureenvironments, like you speak on
stages and so do I. Like if you get up on the stage
and you're in this shame cycle, it's the worst level of
(37:26):
performance that there is because you start judging
yourself and criticising yourself and you're not able to
show up as the best version of yourself.
So that's why it's just so important that we lose.
Like we learn to identify them, we draw them, we release them
through exercise or like even yesterday we had a meeting and
(37:47):
the people ran into the meeting and it's about well being
behaviours. And I just put this whole team
into a breathwork to visualise stress and then to let stress go
out of the room. Took one minute and then they
were like, oh gosh, that was so hard to visualise.
Stress. I was like, why?
And I'm like, because I am, thatis me.
(38:09):
I am just stressed. But they hadn't given themselves
the opportunity to get rid of itbefore they walked into each
room. So yeah, these are complex
things, Mitch, but I feel like they're not that complex when
you have the tool kit. It's when shit hits the fan that
you have to remind yourself of what they are.
Yeah, yeah. And that's the, the practise
(38:31):
leading up to those moments allows it to be quite an
intuitive, simple thing 'cause you've done the reps and you,
you know, you talk about crying intentionally, which I suppose
is exactly what we've just been talking about, which is instead
of it becoming you and you have no understanding or awareness as
to why you're here, It's OK, this is what I'm feeling.
(38:52):
How do I be present with this experience and allow this
release to happen so that it's apositive thing, right?
Yeah, and I had to create a, a crying playlist on Spotify
because I didn't know how to like let go.
Cry is different to crying. It it's just like it's messy,
(39:15):
it's deep. It's just like it becomes like a
weep in me. And then like the release after
a cry is huge. And, and the other thing was, is
like crying by myself was something I never let myself do
ever. Like someone asked me about
(39:35):
where I was in my life. I could cry easily.
Like that was an emotion that was easy.
But like a deep weep was scary because I associated pain with
hurting yourself or doing something that wasn't good for
you, as opposed to crying for tofeel and to process what had
(39:56):
happened. Yeah, I think a lot of the time
when we're feeling a negative emotion, we associate it with
something needed. To change like for example,
recently I've become more intentional about dating.
I'm also in a chapter of deep discipline with work and someone
asked me how I how I was feelingthe other day and I said I'm
feeling a bit lonely. And we immediately jumped to all
(40:18):
the things that we can do to change that.
And I'm like, no, no, this is forecasted loneliness.
This is part of the plan. It, it actually doesn't need to
be changed. It is a sign that I'm achieving
the goal that I set out to do, which is to become, yeah, more
discerning around my time and, and what I want to reap in the
(40:40):
future. So the, the, the mere experience
of a bad emotion doesn't mean that something bad is happening.
It's how we relate, respond and what we do with that that
determines whether that will be a good or a bad thing.
And, and on the topic of what wedo with that, you, you said in,
in your, in your book that you've done like every therapy
(41:01):
under the sun. I'm, I'm interested.
What are the top 2 forms of therapy that you now genuinely
believe in? Kinesiology is my top one.
Wow, it's like 15 years of therapy in one session and.
And for someone that's never heard that word before, can you
explain what kinesiology is in one sentence?
Yeah, that would be so hard. Kinesiology works on like the
(41:25):
inner energy set of your body. So you've seen like muscle
testing to show where you're weak or where you're vulnerable
or something that's happening within your body.
And it looks at you as a whole of body, as an energy system,
which we are, we are energetic beings.
So when something is in balance,you can feel it in your body and
(41:46):
it's muscle tested and then you go to root cause.
So I may be showing up signs of like questioning myself worth
and I can go back to the exact moment in my life that triggered
that worthlessness moment. So for me, so many stories, I
(42:08):
mean, we as you know me, it's from nought to seven.
We identify like our subconscious belief set and all
of the stories that drive, serveor sabotage us, and a lot of
them are unconscious. So kinesiologists,
Kinesiologists help you uncover those unconscious bias that are
really running 95% of your life.So it was very, very helpful for
(42:30):
me to go into that and I went deep really quickly because I
needed to. I didn't want to talk around.
Like talking therapy didn't helpme at the time because I was so
good about talking about what had happened to me.
I needed to process it and to feel it and to work out where to
next. Like it's one thing when you go
(42:50):
into therapy and you talk about where you're at, but the the
best therapist that I've ever had are the ones that give you
the strategy is to walk out of there with a new tool or a new
reframe, which I love like this scheduled loneliness.
It's like it's a the lone wolf is goes and finds his pack and
(43:11):
his tribe. Like it's a real moment of
growth in someone and my lone wolf, they all they do happen
and people call it like the darknight of the soul or like in a
moment of awakening. And when I see someone in pain
now I'm like I lean in, I'm like, this is good.
Like sit with it. What who do you want to be out
(43:33):
of it? And let them design out of that.
And I have them all the time. I had it the other day.
I I run it came off the stage and I hit my head and like you
can imagine the pain and trauma I spent my life trying to avoid
hitting my head. And I did it straight after.
I had just hosted a full day workshop and the first thing I
did was book a therapy session. Like because we're constantly
(43:56):
like our physical bodies are telling us what is emotionally
going on. So like, I don't just look at an
injured ankle now. I'm like, why were you unstable
on your feet? What's going on?
Are you OK? Like emotionally?
And I wasn't present in my body.I was productive, but I wasn't
present. And there's a big difference
there. So I booked my kinesiology
(44:17):
session straight after that. Obviously had like medical
follow UPS to make sure I was OKbecause like you need to go
inward and find presents in the new version of you.
And so I had two weeks off to goback in.
Like obviously I had to work to keep the wheels moving, but I
took that lone wolf moment and realised I was sabotaging myself
(44:42):
in different places. So it's like we're constantly
given these gifts of low seasonsor lone wolf moments to rebuild
from. And they're not to be
disregarded. Like they're not weakness.
They're they're the true momentsof growth when we find
ourselves, when we let ourselvesfeel, when we get help to see
those like blockages that are showing up in my life.
(45:05):
Like that's like that is the ultimate strength.
And the second one outside of kinesiology.
Yeah, for me, I've got a physiotherapist that I've worked
with for like the whole time andI have a session weekly.
So I feel like I'm, I've got theemotional and the physical work
going on at both times because Ijust like we're not structured
(45:26):
to sit at a computer desk all day.
So we need body people to work that pain through in our bodies,
especially me because I do get alot of pain still.
Well, it's interesting that boththose therapies are body based.
You know, it's not necessarily that you're doing well.
Cognitive behavioural therapy, which I would argue, well, not
argue, I know the facts is the number one type of therapy
(45:49):
adopted in the world for addressing emotional wounding.
But what I love is that you're pushing toward helping people
heal bottom up as opposed to topdown, like body first as opposed
to mind first. Because ultimately most of
psychological pain is things that happen in life and trauma.
And the, the number one way to release trauma is to experience
(46:10):
it and, and release it. And so that has LED you to start
the Awake Academy and you have 3pillars being awareness align
awake. What is the core philosophy of
these three pillars? It's really to help people wake
up to themselves and live a lifethat they truly love.
(46:31):
We're all on these hamster wheels.
And you get like, I'm a middle aged woman and I speak to a lot
of middle aged people who've gotthe house, got the car, got the
job, got the kids and are deeplyunhappy in themselves.
Not in the life that they've created, but in themselves in
the life that they've created. And we're not when we get to
these moments and we're like, what's next?
(46:53):
What for? Who am I?
I've got all of this pain. What do I do with it?
It's though that to me is like the core philosophy of a wake
Academy is to help people when they've had the wake up call.
And it does happen from a physical sense, but the
emotional pain that people are withholding is huge at the
(47:14):
moment. And because they don't feel like
they, they can or they can't, there's no sign of weakness in
what they what they project out.So that's the kind of like when
you look at it, it helps people feel more centred, more
connected and more confident in themselves when you do the work
and which you and I spend a lot of time trying to convince
(47:35):
people that doing the work helpsthat I'm not.
They're like, well, tell me how like, well, like if you could be
more present at home in the office, what would that give
you? And they're like love, I think,
well, that's it. Like, yes, it makes you more
productive and you know you can store memory quicker and solve
(47:55):
problems faster and take fewer sick days.
All of that is like a byproduct of self work.
But the truth is, is like when you are present, when you love
yourself and when you have a toolkit, you absolutely thrive
in life in the good times and the bad.
But we're not taught these life schools at school.
We're not taught them at university.
(48:15):
We're not taught them at MBA levels, but we know that
emotional regulation is one of the number one performance
metrics of all successful people.
But where do you go when you don't have the time for a
therapist? We, we don't have the need.
How do you learn this when your business is, you know, AI is
taking over the business and you're trying to keep your job
(48:37):
alive or you've got sick kids and you're trying to manage
that. Like how, how do you find these
tools? So that's what we aim to do is
like shortcut the struggle because Elaina and I have both
been through some really dark times and we've kind of
simplified the struggle and published and of course all
sorts of things. I would encourage you if
(49:00):
anything has resonated here withwhat Tesla shared to to look up
Awake Academy and test where canpeople find you.
Well, on Instagram, so Tessie Brauer and Awake Academy.
So we love working with businesses.
We love working with people one on one.
We just meet people where they're at because everyone is
(49:22):
different. And we have a formula and a
methodology that works because it has so many layers to it and
really is a tool kit that peoplecan graduate from and leave
without having to walk on hot coals afterwards.
It's like a life embodiment of work.
And so come to us if you're ready just to learn something
(49:46):
different about yourself and show up better, more connected,
more centred and confident from within.
And like, I saw a lady the otherday and she did like, we do a
lot of corporate work. So and that's different because
the business pays for someone toshow up into a room and they're
not sure what they're walking into, as opposed to working
directly with people where you pay to go see a therapist and
(50:07):
and you're all in and you know that you're gonna like you, you
work. You've chosen that therapist.
And she said, I didn't know whatI was walking into.
I just accepted the event and liked what I heard.
And so I came in and she said, and I walked out a different
human. And I was like, oh, how did that
resonate? She said, well, I got home and
(50:28):
my kids said to me, Mum, you're so much happier what's happened
to you that's. Epic.
I'm like, well if that's what wedo, like if that's what I do for
a living now, is help people be happier in themselves so that
they can show up for their lovedones happier and more present.
Then the the pain was all worth it.
(50:50):
Yeah, well, it's a good place toleave it.
I'm a big fan of simplification,so it's most simple words.
What's the number one thing you want people to remember about
our chat just now? Take care of yourself, learn to
love yourself and have the courage to go within and talk to
(51:11):
someone about what's happening to you.
It lightens the load. It lightens the shame and it
might just save your life and someone around yous.
Beautifully said Tess. It's been a privilege to talk to
you today. Thanks for joining us, part of
the Heart of My Sleep podcast. My emotions have a natural
tendency to dissipate unless they get reinforced.
(51:34):
And so if there's more thoughts,more stories, more intentions to
come along, so the act of how amI leaving it alone?
Is an act of not act, adding more stories, adding fuel to it.
So it might not go away in 2 minutes, but it then begins to
relax and dissipate. And so rather than being the
person who has to fix it, we've become the person who makes
space for the heart, the mind, to relax and settle away itself.
All right, run it. I wonder what you mean when you
use the word I use the word I, I, I, I kick a break.
We have an aversion to ourselvesand to what's happening inside
(00:21):
us, inside us. I've been very interested in
this problem for a long, long time.
Something settles. Welcome back to the Heart on my
Sleeve podcast. I am Mitch Wallace and I'm proud
to be hosting this chat today with Tess Brauer.
(00:43):
She's a leading emotional and mental fitness trainer.
She's a practitioner of positivepsychology and well being.
She does speaking workshop. She's an author, mother and
former Virgin leader Virgin Australia, so she blends 20
years of her corporate leadership experience with real
(01:04):
life experiences including burnout, injury, motherhood and
rebuilding from rock bottom. She had a massive spinal cord
injury and that really forced her to face a bunch of emotional
trauma and wounding that she'd put aside for decades.
And now she's one of Australia'smost trusted voices in this
(01:24):
space. And she's founded the Awake
Academy alongside seven time world champion surf legend Lane
Beechley. And she works with some of the
biggest companies in the country.
And today we really cover what it means to heal both from
physical and emotional pain. And what I love about this
(01:46):
discussion with Tess is how aligned we are around what it
means to do the work and get better.
You know, so often in society wetalk about thinking our way out
when Tess is a proponent of feeling your way out and feeling
pain you don't think is possibleto process and integrate and
release. So I hope that even if you
haven't experienced the same version of the situation is her,
(02:10):
which chances are you you haven't, you relate to the
deeper emotional narratives around unprocessed grief, shame,
anger, and how you can use that to become the best version of
yourself. So without further ado, I'd like
to welcome Tess. Tess, I thought about this
(02:35):
moment of your injury as what struck me like is this almost
awakening moment. And it's interesting because a
lot of your work has to do with with that word.
In 2018 you moved to Switzerlandto pursue your dream job and you
had a life changing spinal cord and and brain injury from a
(02:56):
skiing accident. Spent seven months in hospital,
3 months in a in a ward and two surgeries.
Discharged in 2019. The moment you fell in that
skiing accident, what was your first thought?
Oh fuck. Second thought.
I have to carry on. Everything's OK, I'm OK.
(03:18):
And that went with pins and needles up and down my legs and
instant headache and just like that absolute shock horror
because I was with the people that I worked with and I have
lived my life as a carry on queen, like just the absolute
masker of all pain and all suffering to keep going.
(03:40):
And so I did what I have always done in my whole life is to get
up and go and almost run in thatmoment.
And that running from ignoring all of those symptoms and like a
deep, it was like a deep knowingthat I've done something bad to
(04:02):
myself, which I've fascinated with before, like.
I've had moments like that wheresomething in your gut goes or
this is this is a bad one. Something has happened and and
so were you down a crevasse or were you were you on the
surface? No, so I was like really up
high. Like I was up high on a black
(04:24):
run, which I shouldn't have beenon, but I was there because I
was trying to impress everyone on my first day.
And naturally I just thought I've just got to get down.
I've just got to get off this mountain.
And I had like a welcome drinks,which I didn't go to because I
was just, I just needed to get home.
Cracking headache. I just wanted to be in I'm I'm a
(04:47):
the type of person that wants togo into a cave and heal with no
one around me. OK, I was and I still that is my
default. I run away and I just want to
hide like an injured bear and then kind of rebuild.
And I just thought, well, that'sit.
That's all I have to do. But my judgement was so crowded
(05:07):
with shame. Like, what have I done with
fear? Like, am I going to have to go
back to Australia? Like, is this over before it
started, like my failure? And so I just kept masking it,
and that was the awful part. Did you tell people that day,
(05:27):
hey, I've had a fall? Yeah, they were there and they
knew. And a person that I worked with,
we went home and yeah, I just took some Panadol and carried
on. And that continued on.
And I flew to England very quickly because I had to work
over there. And I was with my family and
they called my mom back at home and said, is everything I think
(05:50):
like something's wrong with Tess.
And I just assured everyone thatI was fine.
But I was like wetting my pants and not knowing what room I was
in. Like I was in a house in a room,
but forgetting which one I was in.
And the rooms was constantly spinning and shaking and I just
felt constantly sick. But I just kept on pushing and
(06:10):
pushing and pushing. And I googled the symptoms too
because I was so out of my brain.
And it said Ms. And I thought, well, maybe I have both.
Maybe I've got both things. So I was just in a world of
hurt. And the truth is, Mitch is, I
just wasn't listening to myself.Well, that seems to be one of
(06:34):
the biggest things you've learned, which I I can't wait
to, to get into around the ability to, to stop running
away. But it also seems like the
physical injury was merely an awakening, but also an entry
point into emotional traumas that you had buried.
(06:57):
You know, you, you talk about being 32 under psychiatric care
of your parents. You had to move home and, and
everything kind of went out the window that you'd built up until
that point. You're on antipsychotics,
antidepressants, painkillers. Now the the emotional trauma
that emerged off the back of this physical injury was all the
(07:17):
things that you buried, like growing up in a split family and
your boyfriend dying when you'rea teenager.
How did you back then when you were younger?
How did you deal with that trauma at the time?
I ran, I did exactly what I've always done is ignored it,
pushed it away, numbed it, drankit away, partied it away, put
(07:43):
band aids over it with like makeup or holidays or self care
disguised as looking after myself.
But really it was just like maskafter mask after mask.
And it's interesting because I had created a career around
masking as well. And the there's a certain level
(08:04):
of expectation when you work forthe people that I have and the
brands that I have is that you are the top of the top or
invincible. And you can work really hard and
achieve great results and do allthese amazing things.
But deep down, I had left my body and my heart behind, and I
was leading from emptiness and Iwas leading from a place of
(08:26):
absolute fear that someone's gonna see me or I'm gonna get
exposed because of, you know, this shame that I had around my
life and the stories that I've created around it.
So it was the only thing I do know how to do and extremely
well is to get up and go keep, keep going.
(08:46):
So the irony or the gift that I was given was there was nowhere
to go. So you're obviously a
professional runner running awayand it, it, it had to have taken
a, a bear shaped stop sign for you to abandon that traditional
(09:08):
skill of, of, of masking and pretending.
Tell me about what the physical pain was like and the emotional
pain that stopped you in your tracks that made you not be able
to run away anymore. Well, when I, I was like at
(09:30):
times paralysed, couldn't feel my legs, my hands and and that
comes on and off and I still geta little bit of that today at
times. So I had nowhere to go when I
was in hospital. Like I couldn't.
All the exercises that I thoughtI could do, I couldn't.
And I had a neck brace on for three months.
And so I was like really forced into it.
(09:54):
But that was the gift to Mitch. Like that was honest, like that
saved my life. But the body whispers before it
screams. And then it's like the snowball
gets bigger and bigger and bigger.
So the hospital was my snowball.But I felt this pain at numerous
parts of my life where I've had to lean into pain, but I've just
(10:14):
pushed it deep further within me.
So like, I remember having a proper anxiety attack at work
because I was in between loads of different events.
I had to go out a lot, drink a lot because I, I think the
hardest words you can say to work event is I'm not drinking
tonight. Like that takes a lot of power.
(10:35):
And I didn't have that. And I had a complete panic
attack where I shut down and I just couldn't.
It was like I was absolutely paralysed.
Now I can name lots of those moments in my life where I've
just frozen and then the only thing I knew what to do was to
go out and get back on the trainand to go and have fun and be
(10:57):
fun Tess and have a night of drinking and all of that just
kept keeps on compressing in me.So when I was like the depth of
the pain and I still remember this day is after I left
hospital, I remembered to drive like being in the car, in my
(11:17):
mum's car, reclined in my seat in my neck brace.
And I walked into my family homewith my new like bed and or I
was carrying my handbag and it was a Louis Vuitton handbag that
I got with my paycheck. And like, these are my like,
(11:37):
band aids that there I was like in one pair of clothes because I
didn't have any. I'd like, I, I just, I hadn't
got any of my clothes back from Switzerland.
And all I could wear in hospitalwas like Bonds tracksuit pants
and exercise gear. And my mum and stepdad were like
looking at me like, here's your bedroom and here's your home.
(12:00):
And I just said, oh, I just needa moment.
And I shut the door and I just realised I was like, what the
fuck has happened to me? How did I get here?
Like, And I just sat on the floor and I finally allowed
myself to cry. And I wept and I wept and I
(12:23):
wept. And I was like, because up until
that point everything was, well,we've got a fixed test.
It was his and psychotic medicine or she's got complex
PTSD or she's got like, so everything was like, oh, you're
in pain, take this Med or you want to go to the gym where
you're going to get pain, have this endo and like it was
constantly like don't let her fall down again.
(12:48):
Like I know I was propped up andpropped up because that was
survival. And then it wasn't until I sat
down like on the floor and my dog, I remember my dog came in
and it Frankie was like was allowed in hospital and was
allowed and he just sat on my lap and just leaped my face and
I just went, fuck. I have to learn to love myself
(13:13):
again. I have to learn to love myself
enough to deal with the pain that I've buried, to accept the
fact that I'd landed up here. Like, and I feel like I meet a
lot of people that come to this point in their life.
Like, how did I get here? It's like, well, it's a lifetime
of lessons and stories that you've either ignored or played.
(13:35):
And so, yeah, it was just a moment of like, if I don't love
myself the way this dog is loving me right now, if I don't
deal with this trauma and this pain, like this will be my life.
God bless Frankie, is the lessonI'm taking out of that story.
For being. So unconditionally loving.
(13:57):
Yeah. Before, before the accident, you
know, it sounds like that there was stuff that you were aware of
bubbling beneath the surface andsometimes above the surface with
regard to like, complex PTSD. How did that play out?
What were the signs that you or other people could see that you
(14:18):
weren't OK before that? Yeah, it's it's an interesting
concept to talk about it retrospectively because I feel
like, and I'm gonna start, I'll talk about death and how it
impacted me because we all deal with this in certain areas of
our life. And I guess the the first death
(14:42):
was really the death of the understanding of my family
construct was not it anymore. So because when I was, I was 2
1/2 and my parents, my, my mum and stepdad are still together
today and they created like a really loving home.
But you have to accept somewhereinside of you that that
construct doesn't exist anymore.So for me at such a young age,
(15:03):
family wasn't family from within, It was externally.
So I was looking at other families to define what family
meant because mine wasn't normal.
So that was like the First Avenue of I guess like my first
trauma. And I, and I remember, I like, I
remember in therapy thinking, well, it didn't affect me.
(15:24):
There's wars in, you know, Ukraine.
There's like big things going on.
It's like, and I had to accept that that was really big for a 2
1/2 year old. And my son is just turned 3.
And I look at him and I realise,wow, that would be really hard
for you to understand what was going on, like emotionally
(15:47):
knowing that something was wrong.
But then everyone pretending around you that it's all OK, you
know, like everything's fine. We've, we've partnered up, we've
moved on. And like I, I really feel that
in myself that any destabilisingof structure or place is really
unsettling for me. So I'm constantly looking for
(16:10):
that sense of security in my relationships.
I'm anxiously attached because Ineed to know that things are all
good, otherwise someone's going to leave.
So that's the first layer of PTSD that I have is around
safety and, and anxiousness around needing validation or
needing to be proved that everything is safe.
(16:31):
I'm safe, our relationship is safe.
And then when I was 16, the boy that I honestly felt like was my
soul mate and, and at that time he was, he chose to end his
life. And so instead of doing things
that normal 16 year olds were doing, like I'd have to go to
(16:58):
the morgue to get counselling every week.
And like, I have to look at thiswith deep respect for parents
and and his parents. Like I am not that wasn't the
loss that I felt and I will never understand those that
level of pain. But for me, it was just a shock
(17:22):
of like, whatever what has happened?
Like how did I get here? What's my role in this?
I felt blame, I felt shame. I felt like I could have done
better. I the silence and suffering that
someone feels when you someone chooses to end their life and
(17:45):
you're left behind picking up the pieces and asking all of the
questions and ruminating every scenario over and over and over
again. Like that is a pain that I truly
don't wish on anyone. And that level of like of
(18:07):
myself, of like self blame and of everything I did and didn't
do for him and for the people around me.
Like that is something that I will forever have to work on in
myself. And that's like, it is a deep,
deep pain. And that level of PTSD is
(18:29):
anything around accidents, sirens, loud noises.
I have step kids now who are hisage and they leave on an E bike
and I can't sleep. When someone says they're coming
home and they don't come home, that has a level of trigger in
(18:51):
me and the need to know what's going on in the world all the
time. Almost like possessively
happened. So I became super attuned to, I
wasn't like an ambulance chaser,but it felt like that.
It felt like my fear was everyone else's fear and I was
(19:12):
just looking for stories of fearconstantly.
And I became really good at servicing people when they'd
gone through bad times or like Iwas there, but at the cost of my
own health and well being as well.
Like, and unfortunately, growingup on the on the northern
beaches, we weren't short of trauma and tragedy like it
(19:33):
happened. We lost a few people.
And so every time someone else would pass away, it would just
compress and compact that I started to truly believe that I
was cursed, that we were cursed,that something's wrong with us.
So that was another level of PTSD.
(19:53):
And again, like the only thing, and I remember going to so many
different therapists about this particularly because.
You go into like a system and they want you to get therapy at
at Glebe morgue. And it became really technical
for me about what had happened that it didn't.
(20:18):
It didn't really adjust to how Iwas going to adjust to world,
the world and go back to school.Like go, I had to go back to
school knowing that this big thing had happened and I'd be
sitting there like trying to do an English assessment and all I
would say is flashbacks of that night or like someone would make
like it was just, it's just constant.
(20:40):
And I wasn't prepared for that level of flashbacks.
And then everyone would go out on the weekend and we'd all
drink and that was the only timethat I felt relief from what I
was seeing and the pain. So that became my blanket.
Go out, have fun. And it's interesting, like I
(21:01):
talk to my step kids about this all the time.
And I talk to them about drug and alcohol abuse and I talk to
them about suicide prevention and how to manage the situation
and to ask someone like, do you,are you suicidal?
Do you have a plan? And I talk to them about it and
they're like, how can you ask someone like that when they're
upset? And I was like, it's critical.
Trust me, you need to talk aboutthese things.
(21:23):
And they reflect back to me someof the conversations they've had
to have with their friends around, like drugs or alcohol or
mental health. And I'm like, gosh, that gives
me great pride. But at least I'm encouraging the
next generation to do what I feel like I failed at that time
(21:46):
and that my pain can help them navigate these like really
complex issues that there aren't, there is just no rule
book around how to deal with it.So that's that's that's another
layer of PTSD. And then it happens when your
(22:07):
parents like, am I, what am I giving you?
Is it safe? Can you can it be trusted?
And I question every single label and like daycare centre or
whatever it is to the 8th degree.
So it's really hard. And actually when I was writing
my book, we had to provide medical evidence for everything
(22:30):
that we would stated or claimed.And the question was, does tests
have complex PTSD or is it just PTSD?
And it triggered this huge PT like this episode in me and I
just fell to pieces 'cause I thought like questioning
someone's medical label is really tough because like, as
(22:56):
you know, a physical injury you can prove like, oh, I've got
this or I've got that scan, likeI've been scanned 45,000 times
on my neck. And but a mental illness or
injury is just so hard to show someone like this is what it's
like for you. And like, I, I obviously get it.
(23:21):
Like I understand why things need to be shown and proven.
But inside of me, I was like, oh, I really do have this
complex trauma. So it was like owning it on top
of owning it, if that makes sense.
It's like, OK, these are the labels I've worked so hard to
work with. And and you talk about this
(23:43):
dance showing what like what youhave to deal with mentally every
day. And that was my dance is like, I
have to again, accept that this is a part of me.
It's not all of me, but I have to learn to be able to talk
about complex PTSD because I am published.
I have published a book about myjourney in it.
(24:08):
But even when I talk about it, I'm like, and I have to onboard
my family into that. So my my husband came in the
other day and I said to him, thekids were talking about this on
the table last night and it was about someone else not even in
this country. And I can't sleep because I
(24:29):
can't stop thinking about this vision that I've got stuck in my
head. And he just looked at me and
he's like, can't believe you have to deal with that every
day. Like I know I said to you, do
you think about this? Like whenever someone.
And he said, no, I don't, I don't hold on to that.
(24:54):
So it is so hard when you're dealing with visions,
flashbacks, anxiety. Like I see so many mums with
anxiety around their children. And I know that there's like
deep stuff that comes up with that, that I know I have it, but
just having someone to talk to, to say like, this is my
(25:16):
irrational crazy brain right now.
It is saying this. And to have someone to sit down
in the moment, 'cause you can't always go to therapy was like
really helpful. So yeah, it's a big My journey
with PTSD is like very complex. Yeah, what I what I heard from
from that test is that there wasa lot of moments of grief that
(25:42):
weren't able to be resolved in the moments that they occurred.
And as a result, this huge senseof unsafe seems to have consumed
a lot of your life. You know, this overwhelming
sense of the Vadnais is just around the corner.
(26:03):
And your default was was fear. And I found it really
interesting, you know, reading parts of your book and hearing
in your story that you describedit as having this deep desire to
let your feelings out, you know,to feel the pain that you'd
never processed but protected. But you made the choice to feel
(26:26):
it. And, you know, I have a very
similar life philosophy that thetruth will set you free.
And you got to feel it to heal it.
Why do you think that works? Well, actually there's two
questions. The 1st is how did you decide to
stop running and and go toward the pain?
(26:47):
And then why do you think going toward the pain is so powerful?
I had been trying to be like unbreakable, unstoppable my
whole life, that it was fine, I was fine.
And like, deep down I knew that what I wanted to say is like, my
(27:10):
life's falling apart. I've got, I feel like I'm
imagining ways I could die and everything's not fine.
But that's all I am is I've justgot to keep going for those
around me. It became about everyone else,
not me. And I realised that was a really
unhealthy place to be when I wasin that pain of like on the
(27:36):
floor of my parents home. And I'd been in hospital for
that ferns like in and out for seven months.
But three months in a spinal ward, I had been looking after
everyone else in the spinal wardas well.
So I'd been caring for them and looking after them and which I
loved and I still pride myself on that.
(27:57):
But it wasn't until I was like at home looking in the mirror
and I thought, you haven't criedyet.
And anyone who doesn't cry or have a release of some sort,
like when we're human, like we have to feel human.
And I went to my psychiatrist and I said, like, I can't cry.
Is it these meds? He's like, yeah, that'd be part
(28:20):
of it. And I said, I need to come off
them. I need to be able to release.
I need to like, like properly cry because I, I also went to a
therapist, a psychologist, and she told me she couldn't treat
me. And I was like, for someone who
wants safety, I was like, why? I thought I'd be a great case to
(28:40):
work on. And she said, you talk around
all of your problems, not into them.
And that hit me. And I thought, she said, you're
trying to control this therapy session right now by talking.
You're giving me all of the words, but you're not prepared
to feel what's going on inside of you.
(29:01):
And she was the one that said, like, emotions is data in our
body and it's telling us something.
It's telling us there's pain or there's trauma or there's
happiness. Whatever it is, if you don't let
that pain hit you, it will compress and stack and build up
for a lifetime. So I think she's and I do know
(29:23):
the science around it now it's 90 seconds.
But I like the problem with someone who's decided not to let
themselves feel feel for 34 years, I hadn't actually given
myself the ability to properly feel that pain.
So I said to my psychiatrist, I need to feel.
I need to process this. And luckily he thought I was
ready because it is a big deal to be able to say I'm going all
(29:47):
in. But I had, I quite literally had
nowhere else to go. So I weaned off of a few of my
drugs and just let it come. And it wasn't like I didn't have
the funds to go on a retreat. Like I would have loved to have
gone on a Gottman retreat and I would have loved to have been
able to just immerse myself in healing.
(30:09):
But the truth was, is like I hadto live my life.
I had to show up. I had to go to different like
physical therapy sessions. So it was just in on the floor
of my bedroom, just crying, being angry, letting it out.
You also to that and you talk about becoming aware of your
feelings, not being them. We're so how?
(30:33):
How do you feel your feelings but not become them?
Well, first of all, I acknowledge where they are in my
body like the deep like sadness in in me.
It sits like within all of me and I have to I can feel when
I'm sad now I say I am feeling sad.
(30:56):
I am not sad. So I use lots of different
tricks now so that I don't become what I am.
Like I was really angry for a while.
Like, doesn't mean I'm angry, but I was feeling really angry
about everything that had happened to me in my life.
Why me? So I started to develop a
(31:17):
language around those feelings. That and like I had different
tricks. Like if I was feeling really
depressed, I'd just get in the bath and I'd imagine washing
that pain away in the bath. Or if I couldn't get in the
bath, I'd get in the shower and I'd let myself feel depressed.
And then I'd imagine depression washing off me in the shower and
(31:40):
then leaving because the body isso visual, like internally
visual. And I, I think we, we don't give
ourselves enough ability to learn these different tools
because we look like we're superhuman.
You know, we want to be, we don't want these things to
bother us. So we just keep on keep on
(32:01):
going. So that was a big one for me is
like anywhere that I could imagine, like crawling up, like
screwing up grief and shame intoa piece of paper and ripening
up, throwing it and burning it like so it was like very much a
physical, emotional and quite literal way of getting rid of
(32:23):
pain and trauma and still is now.
Like Benji was upset the other day and because like I, we've
learned about this. We talk about there's a song
called Shake My Sillies Out. And he was really frustrated at
me because I took something awayfrom him.
I can't remember. He was probably trying to jump
off something or do something and I took it away from him and
he got really angry. And Chris actually got him and
(32:45):
said, what are you feeling? He's like, I'm frustrated at
Mummy and he's like, OK, we'll stomp it out.
So he starts stomping around thehouse and he's like, I'm
frustrated. I'm is like frustrated.
And he's stomping it out. And he said, do you feel better
now? And he's like, no, just kept.
And he kept on doing it for like, I don't know, a minute.
(33:06):
And then he turned around and hesaid, I'm OK, Mummy, I love you
again. Came up and gave me a hug.
But that's what it's like. But the human form, yeah, that's
what it's like. Well, there's, you know, feeling
your feelings sounds like such asimple thing to do, but most of
us go our whole life by not doing that, in fact, becoming
(33:27):
experts at avoiding them. And so learning how to do that
in a safe and therapeutic way, IE to not be consumed by it.
But almost like you're watching weather come in and out and
you're feeling the sun on your face.
You, you don't become the sun, but you experience the sun.
And I've found that, you know, mindfulness practise is a really
(33:48):
great way of building a relationship to your emotions,
what we call in psychology your somatic experience, so that that
can be done without overwhelmingyou or consuming you.
One big thing that you just referenced that was an awakening
moment for me in my own therapy journey was I got really good at
identifying and being with theseheart experiences, but I wasn't
(34:13):
progressing in therapy like I thought I could.
And one day my therapist asked me, but where are you releasing
them to? And I said, I'm not.
And he's like, feel it. But then there's a Step 2 that's
really important, which is to integrating it by by letting it
go. And I said, well, how do you let
an emotion go? And he's and to, to, to what you
(34:35):
were referencing before he said,well, there's lots of avenues,
but one of the best ways is to visualise once you've
experienced it, to allow it to either be burnt up by your solar
plexus. If, if there's, you know, a
feeling in your stomach, imagineit becomes a cauldron that moves
it from kind of liquid to gas. Or if you're feeling like anger
(34:57):
in your throat, Can you imagine it oozing and dripping out the
bottom of your feet? Can you like that type of
process is so key. And that's really when the cycle
of the loop kind of felt like that Nike fitness band
connecting at the end. And it was like, oh, OK, this is
how we expand the nervous systemis by releasing it, which builds
(35:18):
capacity. Yeah, and each one has like
there's an MRI machine that was scanned, that scanned people and
how they felt. And it's incredible to see.
And I'll give it to you after this that you can put it up with
this podcast is like anger fillssomeone and they're so red
through the, the top half of their body that nothing in their
(35:40):
legs. And it's like that one's
fascinating because when I'm angry, I want to go move like I
need to get out. Like you go for runs like it's,
it's to allow anger to move through your body.
So that's a almost an easy one, but for shame, like shame is the
(36:01):
one of the hardest things to move within your body.
And and the MRI of shame is likereally black and really blue and
really dark. And we get people at awake
account and we get them to draw shame and it's always really
dark and deep, like deep circlesof loops that people can't get
(36:22):
out of. And I feel like there's so much
shame in me for everything I have done and haven't done in my
life, even now. So shame is one that I had to
identify as like, OK, you're notmarried, you're not engaged, you
don't have babies. Like you don't have a home.
(36:44):
You're now on the floor of your parents home.
Like that was shame. And I remember that was the one
that I just had to keep on imagining washing through me.
Like every time I had a bath or a shower, I was like just
letting it go, letting it go. And when you look at some of the
top, like Doctor Michael Gervaisis one of the top sports
(37:06):
psychologists that there is out there.
And he talks about this as our emotions, if we don't let them
like move through US and they become US.
And then in really high pressureenvironments, like you speak on
stages and so do I. Like if you get up on the stage
and you're in this shame cycle, it's the worst level of
(37:26):
performance that there is because you start judging
yourself and criticising yourself and you're not able to
show up as the best version of yourself.
So that's why it's just so important that we lose.
Like we learn to identify them, we draw them, we release them
through exercise or like even yesterday we had a meeting and
(37:47):
the people ran into the meeting and it's about well being
behaviours. And I just put this whole team
into a breathwork to visualise stress and then to let stress go
out of the room. Took one minute and then they
were like, oh gosh, that was so hard to visualise.
Stress. I was like, why?
And I'm like, because I am, thatis me.
(38:09):
I am just stressed. But they hadn't given themselves
the opportunity to get rid of itbefore they walked into each
room. So yeah, these are complex
things, Mitch, but I feel like they're not that complex when
you have the tool kit. It's when shit hits the fan that
you have to remind yourself of what they are.
Yeah, yeah. And that's the, the practise
(38:31):
leading up to those moments allows it to be quite an
intuitive, simple thing 'cause you've done the reps and you,
you know, you talk about crying intentionally, which I suppose
is exactly what we've just been talking about, which is instead
of it becoming you and you have no understanding or awareness as
to why you're here, It's OK, this is what I'm feeling.
(38:52):
How do I be present with this experience and allow this
release to happen so that it's apositive thing, right?
Yeah, and I had to create a, a crying playlist on Spotify
because I didn't know how to like let go.
Cry is different to crying. It it's just like it's messy,
(39:15):
it's deep. It's just like it becomes like a
weep in me. And then like the release after
a cry is huge. And, and the other thing was, is
like crying by myself was something I never let myself do
ever. Like someone asked me about
(39:35):
where I was in my life. I could cry easily.
Like that was an emotion that was easy.
But like a deep weep was scary because I associated pain with
hurting yourself or doing something that wasn't good for
you, as opposed to crying for tofeel and to process what had
(39:56):
happened. Yeah, I think a lot of the time
when we're feeling a negative emotion, we associate it with
something needed. To change like for example,
recently I've become more intentional about dating.
I'm also in a chapter of deep discipline with work and someone
asked me how I how I was feelingthe other day and I said I'm
feeling a bit lonely. And we immediately jumped to all
(40:18):
the things that we can do to change that.
And I'm like, no, no, this is forecasted loneliness.
This is part of the plan. It, it actually doesn't need to
be changed. It is a sign that I'm achieving
the goal that I set out to do, which is to become, yeah, more
discerning around my time and, and what I want to reap in the
(40:40):
future. So the, the, the mere experience
of a bad emotion doesn't mean that something bad is happening.
It's how we relate, respond and what we do with that that
determines whether that will be a good or a bad thing.
And, and on the topic of what wedo with that, you, you said in,
in your, in your book that you've done like every therapy
(41:01):
under the sun. I'm, I'm interested.
What are the top 2 forms of therapy that you now genuinely
believe in? Kinesiology is my top one.
Wow, it's like 15 years of therapy in one session and.
And for someone that's never heard that word before, can you
explain what kinesiology is in one sentence?
Yeah, that would be so hard. Kinesiology works on like the
(41:25):
inner energy set of your body. So you've seen like muscle
testing to show where you're weak or where you're vulnerable
or something that's happening within your body.
And it looks at you as a whole of body, as an energy system,
which we are, we are energetic beings.
So when something is in balance,you can feel it in your body and
(41:46):
it's muscle tested and then you go to root cause.
So I may be showing up signs of like questioning myself worth
and I can go back to the exact moment in my life that triggered
that worthlessness moment. So for me, so many stories, I
(42:08):
mean, we as you know me, it's from nought to seven.
We identify like our subconscious belief set and all
of the stories that drive, serveor sabotage us, and a lot of
them are unconscious. So kinesiologists,
Kinesiologists help you uncover those unconscious bias that are
really running 95% of your life.So it was very, very helpful for
(42:30):
me to go into that and I went deep really quickly because I
needed to. I didn't want to talk around.
Like talking therapy didn't helpme at the time because I was so
good about talking about what had happened to me.
I needed to process it and to feel it and to work out where to
next. Like it's one thing when you go
(42:50):
into therapy and you talk about where you're at, but the the
best therapist that I've ever had are the ones that give you
the strategy is to walk out of there with a new tool or a new
reframe, which I love like this scheduled loneliness.
It's like it's a the lone wolf is goes and finds his pack and
(43:11):
his tribe. Like it's a real moment of
growth in someone and my lone wolf, they all they do happen
and people call it like the darknight of the soul or like in a
moment of awakening. And when I see someone in pain
now I'm like I lean in, I'm like, this is good.
Like sit with it. What who do you want to be out
(43:33):
of it? And let them design out of that.
And I have them all the time. I had it the other day.
I I run it came off the stage and I hit my head and like you
can imagine the pain and trauma I spent my life trying to avoid
hitting my head. And I did it straight after.
I had just hosted a full day workshop and the first thing I
did was book a therapy session. Like because we're constantly
(43:56):
like our physical bodies are telling us what is emotionally
going on. So like, I don't just look at an
injured ankle now. I'm like, why were you unstable
on your feet? What's going on?
Are you OK? Like emotionally?
And I wasn't present in my body.I was productive, but I wasn't
present. And there's a big difference
there. So I booked my kinesiology
(44:17):
session straight after that. Obviously had like medical
follow UPS to make sure I was OKbecause like you need to go
inward and find presents in the new version of you.
And so I had two weeks off to goback in.
Like obviously I had to work to keep the wheels moving, but I
took that lone wolf moment and realised I was sabotaging myself
(44:42):
in different places. So it's like we're constantly
given these gifts of low seasonsor lone wolf moments to rebuild
from. And they're not to be
disregarded. Like they're not weakness.
They're they're the true momentsof growth when we find
ourselves, when we let ourselvesfeel, when we get help to see
those like blockages that are showing up in my life.
(45:05):
Like that's like that is the ultimate strength.
And the second one outside of kinesiology.
Yeah, for me, I've got a physiotherapist that I've worked
with for like the whole time andI have a session weekly.
So I feel like I'm, I've got theemotional and the physical work
going on at both times because Ijust like we're not structured
(45:26):
to sit at a computer desk all day.
So we need body people to work that pain through in our bodies,
especially me because I do get alot of pain still.
Well, it's interesting that boththose therapies are body based.
You know, it's not necessarily that you're doing well.
Cognitive behavioural therapy, which I would argue, well, not
argue, I know the facts is the number one type of therapy
(45:49):
adopted in the world for addressing emotional wounding.
But what I love is that you're pushing toward helping people
heal bottom up as opposed to topdown, like body first as opposed
to mind first. Because ultimately most of
psychological pain is things that happen in life and trauma.
And the, the number one way to release trauma is to experience
(46:10):
it and, and release it. And so that has LED you to start
the Awake Academy and you have 3pillars being awareness align
awake. What is the core philosophy of
these three pillars? It's really to help people wake
up to themselves and live a lifethat they truly love.
(46:31):
We're all on these hamster wheels.
And you get like, I'm a middle aged woman and I speak to a lot
of middle aged people who've gotthe house, got the car, got the
job, got the kids and are deeplyunhappy in themselves.
Not in the life that they've created, but in themselves in
the life that they've created. And we're not when we get to
these moments and we're like, what's next?
(46:53):
What for? Who am I?
I've got all of this pain. What do I do with it?
It's though that to me is like the core philosophy of a wake
Academy is to help people when they've had the wake up call.
And it does happen from a physical sense, but the
emotional pain that people are withholding is huge at the
(47:14):
moment. And because they don't feel like
they, they can or they can't, there's no sign of weakness in
what they what they project out.So that's the kind of like when
you look at it, it helps people feel more centred, more
connected and more confident in themselves when you do the work
and which you and I spend a lot of time trying to convince
(47:35):
people that doing the work helpsthat I'm not.
They're like, well, tell me how like, well, like if you could be
more present at home in the office, what would that give
you? And they're like love, I think,
well, that's it. Like, yes, it makes you more
productive and you know you can store memory quicker and solve
(47:55):
problems faster and take fewer sick days.
All of that is like a byproduct of self work.
But the truth is, is like when you are present, when you love
yourself and when you have a toolkit, you absolutely thrive
in life in the good times and the bad.
But we're not taught these life schools at school.
We're not taught them at university.
(48:15):
We're not taught them at MBA levels, but we know that
emotional regulation is one of the number one performance
metrics of all successful people.
But where do you go when you don't have the time for a
therapist? We, we don't have the need.
How do you learn this when your business is, you know, AI is
taking over the business and you're trying to keep your job
(48:37):
alive or you've got sick kids and you're trying to manage
that. Like how, how do you find these
tools? So that's what we aim to do is
like shortcut the struggle because Elaina and I have both
been through some really dark times and we've kind of
simplified the struggle and published and of course all
sorts of things. I would encourage you if
(49:00):
anything has resonated here withwhat Tesla shared to to look up
Awake Academy and test where canpeople find you.
Well, on Instagram, so Tessie Brauer and Awake Academy.
So we love working with businesses.
We love working with people one on one.
We just meet people where they're at because everyone is
(49:22):
different. And we have a formula and a
methodology that works because it has so many layers to it and
really is a tool kit that peoplecan graduate from and leave
without having to walk on hot coals afterwards.
It's like a life embodiment of work.
And so come to us if you're ready just to learn something
(49:46):
different about yourself and show up better, more connected,
more centred and confident from within.
And like, I saw a lady the otherday and she did like, we do a
lot of corporate work. So and that's different because
the business pays for someone toshow up into a room and they're
not sure what they're walking into, as opposed to working
directly with people where you pay to go see a therapist and
(50:07):
and you're all in and you know that you're gonna like you, you
work. You've chosen that therapist.
And she said, I didn't know whatI was walking into.
I just accepted the event and liked what I heard.
And so I came in and she said, and I walked out a different
human. And I was like, oh, how did that
resonate? She said, well, I got home and
(50:28):
my kids said to me, Mum, you're so much happier what's happened
to you that's. Epic.
I'm like, well if that's what wedo, like if that's what I do for
a living now, is help people be happier in themselves so that
they can show up for their lovedones happier and more present.
Then the the pain was all worth it.
(50:50):
Yeah, well, it's a good place toleave it.
I'm a big fan of simplification,so it's most simple words.
What's the number one thing you want people to remember about
our chat just now? Take care of yourself, learn to
love yourself and have the courage to go within and talk to
(51:11):
someone about what's happening to you.
It lightens the load. It lightens the shame and it
might just save your life and someone around yous.
Beautifully said Tess. It's been a privilege to talk to
you today. Thanks for joining us, part of
the Heart of My Sleep podcast. My emotions have a natural
tendency to dissipate unless they get reinforced.
(51:34):
And so if there's more thoughts,more stories, more intentions to
come along, so the act of how amI leaving it alone?
Is an act of not act, adding more stories, adding fuel to it.
So it might not go away in 2 minutes, but it then begins to
relax and dissipate. And so rather than being the
person who has to fix it, we've become the person who makes
space for the heart, the mind, to relax and settle away itself.
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