May 28, 2024 • 34 mins
Lori Beard focuses on 7 steps of personal development. Today we dive deeper into negative perceptions and how to reframe these so they do not sabotage your life:
- Lori shares how her perception of not feeling good enough as a child to keep her parents together in marriage impacted her self-esteem and views on love.
- She explores how she experienced difficulties in forming and maintaining romantic relationships due to these early childhood experiences.
- Her beliefs about marriage and long-term relationships matured through life experiences.
- She shares significant breakthroughs of healing and growth towards a more mature outlook on love and relationship that resulted in her writing & coaching.
- She expresses gratitude that all these experiences increased her compassion for others and prepared her to be a guide for others through coaching.
More about Lori at www.steadfast-forward.com and unlockingfreedominnature.com. Her book, Freedom from Self-Slavery: A Guide for Self-Mastery and Empowerment is available in the Kindle Store as an eBook.
Her upcoming project is a parent-teen connection adventure in Puerto Rico called Unlocking Freedom in Nature and Art.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
What makes life good.
Science and your lifeexperience remind you that the
greatest happiness this worldhas to offer comes from loving
relationships.
Welcome to the Help for LovingRelationships podcast.
Here we focus on strengtheningour marriages and our families,
as well as your connection tofriends and community.
(00:33):
Our host, shane Adamson, is atherapist who has had a front
row seat to what builds lovingrelationships as well as what
hurts relationships.
Please welcome your host, shaneAdamson.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
Hello everyone, welcome to the Hope for Loving
Relationships show.
I'm really excited to haveShirley Buck on our show today
and we are going to be talkingabout trauma.
Last month I actually went tothe Green Shoe and I gave an
earlier review of my Green Shoeexperience earlier this month,
(01:15):
and now we get to do a deeperdive into some models of healing
.
And so welcome to the show,shirley.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
Hi, thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
So I would feel it would be beneficial if you could
just share a little bit aboutyourself and a little bit about
what led you to take an interestin helping people through
healing trauma.
Speaker 3 (01:40):
Absolutely.
I myself had been through yearsof severe abuse and trauma as a
child, which led me I guess Ican tell you a little bit of my
story.
I was born to deaf parents andwhen you're born to deaf parents
(02:01):
, that poses a challenge initself because you become their
voice and their ears, and Iinterpreted their divorce.
At five years old, I had becomethe caregiver of my mother.
I moved in with my mother, Ilived with my mother after the
(02:22):
divorce and she had become aabusive alcoholic and she took
all her anger and frustrationout on me and she'd be gone
sometime days on end and when wewould get our food stamps, she
would sell them to buy alcoholand stuff.
So it was a really bad cycle.
(02:43):
She was physically abusive, shewas emotionally abusive and it
all stemmed from her becoming analcoholic due to the divorce
and being insecure.
She grew up as a deaf child whowas hidden in the bedroom when
company would come over becausethey were embarrassed that she
was deaf.
So she had a lot of problems ofher own to deal with and by the
(03:09):
time I was 13, she hadcommitted suicide and tried to
take my life as well.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
So, um, I call those big T traumas.
I had no idea you went throughthat much.
In our planning meeting youwere not sharing as much, but
wow, that's pretty monumentaltrauma that you had to go
through by the age of 13.
Speaker 3 (03:36):
Yeah, yeah, and I had already been through a lot with
you know, a lot of trauma andabuse from several of her
boyfriends.
She would go out and get drunkand just all these things would
happen that I would have tohandle going to the hospital
with her and and even anabortion clinic.
I had to go with her when shehad been raped and I was 12 and
had to interpret this and it'sthe book will go further, deeper
(04:00):
into.
I wrote the book so that otherscan understand what I had been
through and what I had overcomethrough mindset transformation.
So anyway, it had moved onwhere I had moved in with my dad
, but he was remarried and mystepmom didn't want me to eat
there or wash my clothes there.
So I got a job at 13, workingfor a local grocery store.
(04:23):
At 13, working for a localgrocery store, and that man
molested me for two years andthen I met a guy who was 25 and
he was like, oh, I love you, I'mgoing to take care of you and
all these things.
And and I trusted him at 15, Ithought, oh, finally, you know,
someone's going to love me.
And and he told me he couldn'thave children or whatever.
Four months months later I'mpregnant.
(04:43):
So here I am, 15, pregnant,nowhere to go, no, you know.
So I moved in with mygrandmother, but it was just a
cycle of abuse, trauma, neglect.
I think my father wanted to bethere for me, but, again, being
deaf has a different dynamic asbeing, you know, with being a
parent, and he was just tryingto keep peace at home and so,
(05:09):
anyway, like I said, I wrote thebook.
Sweet Freedom Whispered in myEar, say the title one more time
so our listeners can hear it.
Speaker 2 (05:16):
What's the title of the book?
Speaker 3 (05:18):
Sweet Freedom Whispered in my Ear, and my
author name is SA a buck, sothat book dives into the years
of trauma and abuse and it alsogives tips and inspiration on
how to overcome it and um so Ilove the title.
Speaker 2 (05:39):
Sweet freedom whisper in your ear.
I think in our planning meanyou said that there was a
turning point where you wereable to do the deeper work.
I think it was a newrelationship or what happened
where there was a turning pointfor you.
Speaker 3 (05:52):
When I was 23, I was engaged to my children's father
and you know, we didn't, ofcourse we didn't have kids or
anything.
We were just starting out ournew relationship and he was this
great guy I could trust and andlet down my guard and you think
I would be at this great happymoment in my life.
(06:13):
But what happened is I finallyfelt safe and all the abuse and
trauma and the emotions thatcome along with it rose to the
surface and I had had a nervousbreakdown.
It was the most terrifying timeof my life.
You know, for years I had justbeen suppressing that abuse with
(06:36):
addictions, whether it be drugs, alcohol.
I had eating addictions.
I was everywhere from 70 poundsto 200 pounds on the scale.
I had been a mess, but I wasjust partying with my friends
thinking, you know, justeverything's fine, everything's
fine, everything's fine.
But then it all caught up whenI finally stopped and slowed
(06:59):
down and started to live what Ithought was a normal happy life.
So it was very terrifying.
Speaker 2 (07:11):
I thought I was going to lose my mind how long was
that period from you called ityour nervous breakdown, to where
you felt some stability and getyour feet under you?
What time frame was that?
Speaker 3 (07:24):
That took a while because I just stopped going to
work.
I didn't get out of bed.
My fiance at the time wasreally trying to work with me
and he would have my best friendcome over.
Finally, after about two monthsand, like I said, I was
terrified.
I thought I was going to losemy mind.
I thought I was going to losemy mind.
(07:45):
I thought I was going to gocrazy.
I had no control over mythoughts.
I was just a mess.
He brought my niece and nephewover to go to a Cubs or a Sox
game, a baseball game and abaseball game, and he knew that
(08:10):
I loved my nieces and nephews sothat I would push myself to get
out of bed and go do something.
And I did, and that wasprobably my first step.
Everybody had started talkingabout you need to go to therapy,
you need to go to therapy.
Well, I had never been totherapy, I'd never had access to
therapy Nobody.
I just never did it and for methat wasn't an option.
(08:30):
I, in my my mind, I was likeI'm not going to go talk to
somebody who's never beenthrough things like this and I
don't know if anybody has beenthrough it or not, but in my
mind.
I was like they how are theygoing to possibly understand
everything I've been through?
And?
And I didn't want to get on medsbecause I had just, you know, I
stopped drugs and alcohol and Iwas like I don't want to get on
(08:51):
meds for just to put a bandaidon what I'm feeling.
I want to fix this, you know.
And then I started getting myhands on every self-help book I
could, and it started out withthe Feeling Good Handbook I
believe it's David Burns.
I just started doing the workand it led to mindset
(09:14):
transformation.
So I was, I was learning how tochange my mindset, and I know
it sounds like a cliche changeyour mind, change your life, but
it really works.
It really works Well.
Speaker 2 (09:27):
My first meeting with you, you did say that your
biggest breakthrough moment isgoing from a victim to a
survivor, and that is the themeof your book.
Is like how to takeresponsibility for your life and
and not be a victim your wholelife.
Speaker 3 (09:44):
Right, and not only a survivor but an overcomer, like
somebody said to me once well,I'm glad you've learned to cope
and I'm like, no, I don't copeanymore.
I I'm okay, I'm happy I don'tdeal with all the emotions that
came with my past anymore.
(10:04):
I've changed my mindset andtherefore I've changed my life.
So when you start to realizethat your past really doesn't
exist unless you give it thoughtright, it's not there, it's not
tangible, it's not somethingthat is in your home.
So if you had an abuser orsomething that caused trauma,
(10:29):
the only way you can allow themto keep you in that trauma and
in that abuse state of mind isif you give it thought right.
So if you're not giving itthought and you're learning how
to change your mindset to focuson other things, you start to
train your mind to think in adifferent way.
And if and then when you do,even science has proven people
(10:55):
who think more positive do.
Even science has proven peoplewho think more positive, more
positive opportunities come intotheir life.
And when you do, you start tosee evidence and your life
starts changing.
It becomes more abundant, itbecomes more joyful, it becomes
easier.
So changing your mindset ishuge.
Speaker 2 (11:13):
In our pre-planning meeting you went into a little
more detail, that you kind ofspend 12 weeks or three months
as your course and you like tomeet with people weekly and then
they're given assignments.
Could you share a little bitmore about, like, what are some
of the assignments and what aresome of the transformations that
you see people happen as theyare doing some of these mindset
(11:39):
activities?
Speaker 3 (11:42):
Yeah, I created a 90-day course with weekly
lessons and daily activities,and then I get together weekly
for a 45-minute to an hoursession with my clients that are
well as they're going throughthe 90 day course.
And sometimes our sessions, oursessions, aren't always geared
(12:06):
towards talking about the 90 daycourse, although if there's any
questions or anything we do, wedo touch on the 90 day course.
The 90 day course is a verysimple process.
Changing your mindset is a verysimple process.
It's just not easy because yougot to do the work, but it is a
simple process.
So, and during our talks wetalk about, you know, the things
(12:28):
that they have difficultycoming over, getting over, so
they may have a block yougetting over a certain thing
that had happened, and then wetalk about how we can address
that certain issue, and I alsoincorporate, if they like, some
energy healing and sound healing.
So, but the 90 day coursetouches on things like taking
(12:52):
ownership.
That's not only very important,but very, very powerful and
powering, because once we cansay our life is the way it is,
whether we like it or not,whether we're enjoying life or
whether we're not, it's allbecause of us.
It's nobody else outside of ourworld.
Obviously, unless you're achild, you don't have the
(13:17):
ability to take matters intoyour own hands all the time.
But as adults we do.
We are able to make choices andwe are able to take our life
into our own hands and stopblaming everyone else for the
way our life is.
So taking ownership is huge.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
Wow, I love that.
That's really beautiful, and Ithink having someone walk
alongside you, so like as peopleare doing these activities,
maybe a certain stuck pointcould come and that's where you
could kind of just say tell memore about that, and so you're.
You're not like lockstep in the12 weeks of assignments.
(13:59):
You're willing to go deeperwith someone if they're stuck in
an area and the assignments arekind of a structure to help you
move along.
Am I getting that right?
Speaker 3 (14:10):
Yes, the assignments are a way to put that groove
into your brain and the way tothink, because if you're
practicing it all the time, thenyou start to think that way and
you start to be aware of it.
Speaker 2 (14:22):
and I promise you, once you start thinking in a
better way, you don't want to goback to the way you were
thinking that caused depressionand anxiety yeah, you, you had
shared in our pre-planningmeeting that one of the
transformations well that younamed a couple, but I'm sure
there's more than two thatpeople kind of get more of a
self-care practice and they havemore inner peace.
(14:44):
Could you tell me how and whyyou think people develop this
inner peace with themselves andself-care practices that might
feed that and self-carepractices that might feed that.
Speaker 3 (14:56):
Well, other than taking ownership, I also teach
in the course to be aware ofyour emotional scale, where
you're at on your emotionalscale.
So if you're, all the way on thepart of depression.
You're obviously thinking in adepressive manner, you're seeing
the world as a bad place,you're seeing people as people
(15:18):
you can't trust and you'reseeing your life in a negative
state and that will cause you tobe on that point of the scale.
You know, if you're a happyperson and you're feeling good,
then your thoughts are in a goodplace.
So you know, mind, body andsoul is a very important thing
to work on because you could behealthy, run every day and have,
(15:38):
you know, do all the healthythings for your body, but if
your mind's not in the rightplace, you're still not going to
be happy.
So being aware of your emotionalscale, being aware of your
thoughts and then taking controlof your thoughts, is huge and
people, when they start to learnhow to like, turn off all that,
(15:59):
like you know, people will beso focused on the news and the
news really brings in a lot ofnegative things, constantly
about illness, crime.
You know all these terriblethings.
It makes you feel like.
You know there's so muchdivision in the world right now
and media just thrives on that.
(16:20):
The ratings are just shootingout of you know, off the charts
and people tune into that on adaily basis and then they start
to without even knowing.
You're just being conditionedto think about how bad the world
is, and it's a wonder everybodyisn't depressed like it's just.
It's really.
(16:40):
We are bombarded and I remembermy grandmother telling me as a
child one time about watchinglike a violent movie or
something she's like if youdon't want it happening into
your living room, why would youbring it into your living room?
So I mean, that's a simple wayto think of it, right.
Speaker 2 (16:56):
It is, yeah, like kind of guard your mind and be
you know.
You get to set boundaries onhow much of this negative
commentary that's in the world,whether no matter if it's social
media or TV, it's there.
If you tune into it too long itcan start to affect you.
Speaker 3 (17:15):
Absolutely, absolutely.
And you know I like to be awareof what's going on.
I get like a daily skim into myemail and I do things like sign
petitions and vote and do thethings that I feel I'm in
control of, but all the otherthings that I'm not in control
of I don't want to go out intothe world in fear because
(17:36):
they're constantly telling me beafraid, it's terrible, be
afraid it's terrible out there.
I don't want to live my lifethat way.
So I do the proactive thingsthat I can do that are in my
control, but I shut out what Ican't control.
Speaker 2 (17:49):
Yeah, thanks for sharing that.
You had also shared that one ofyour tools that you teach
clients is meditation and insome of our earlier podcasts
we've talked on eithermeditation or like journaling,
and maybe you could unpack alittle bit like how you see
meditation helpful or evenjournaling.
(18:10):
I know that those are both kindof important tools that you use
in your program.
Speaker 3 (18:18):
Yes, yes, absolutely.
When you quiet your mind it'spretty neat.
But although I start people whoaren't used to meditation on a
guided meditation because whenyou start out with a guided
meditation there's someonetelling you and helping you, you
(18:39):
know, put those thoughts into avision and it helps you learn
how to kind of shut your brainoff from your regular everyday
thoughts that constantly runthrough your brain.
And you go on this journey,whether it be meditation and
raising your vibration, you know, because we're all energy
(19:00):
beings or a meditation onletting go of trauma, or peace,
or whatever the meditation isfor you.
The guided meditation is agreat way to start.
And once you get used to theguided meditation and you're
comfortable with meditating, Ilike to go into where you just
(19:21):
turn off your thoughts and go toa quiet place.
Then you start to be aware ofwhat thoughts start to come to
you and instead of just oh, no,I can't think anything and
blocking it out, be aware, oh, Iguess I usually think of this
and they just let it pass.
And once you learn to quiet yourmind, you really do connect to
(19:44):
like mind.
You really do connect to likean inner being that starts to
give you an idea and differentways to go about things.
You actually do receiveinformation when you quiet your
mind.
So, yes, meditation is very,very powerful, and journaling is
as well, because when you aregoing through a new process,
(20:06):
like a 90-day course, you wantto write down where you were and
what you were going through sothat you can actually go back
and see the improvements thatyou're making.
And also, sometimes, whenyou're journaling, you discover
things about yourself.
Oh yeah, and you write thingsdown and it's a way of being
aware as well.
Speaker 2 (20:25):
So wow, beautiful journaling meditation is very
powerful um, going back to themeditation idea, um, I do
believe, like in my marriage,for example, my wife is a real
regular meditator and shebelieves that the universe gives
her messages.
I also meditate.
(20:47):
I'm not as good at meditationas she is, but you know, I feel
like God gives me messages.
But I do believe that thecommon thing that we both agree
on is quieting the mind, allowsaccess for these messages to
come, so that we're not havingthat internal chatter, so that
we're just kind of like in thisbusy, anxious mindset, how can
(21:09):
you receive messages if yourmind is racing with all this
internal chatter?
So I think that's the power ofmeditation so you can hear these
important messages for yourpersonal inspiration, or what
are the things that matter most,and not just kind of going to
the urgent or the crisis, butfocusing on the things that
(21:30):
matter most.
Speaker 3 (21:31):
Yes, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
Yeah, that's beautiful.
There was something you said onjournaling that I wanted to to
kind of recite back to.
You said you know, some of myclients use journal to release
anger.
Some people use it to write andreflect, to get clarity about
their emotions.
Sometimes it can be gratitude.
So like, as you think throughsome of your clients, you know
(21:55):
that you're seeing now, is itsimilar to that?
Or are there any other thingsthat you want to highlight or
talk more about any of those twoor three things, that kind of
the benefits of journaling?
It seems like.
Speaker 3 (22:12):
Those are the benefits of journaling.
And, yeah, a lot of things riseto the surface and with each
client you know they all haveunique individual experiences
through it, which is amazing,but it is all positive.
Another thing I'd like to touchon that was one of my that
always seems to be one of my, myclients.
Favorite part of the course islearning how to be childlike.
(22:34):
Um, a lot of us go through lifein autopilot we go to work, we
come home, we eat dinner, wewatch tv, we go to work, we go.
We have this habit we fall into.
We're on autopilot and weforget to have fun, we forget to
just the little joyful things.
I take mindful walks and I'm noton my phone, I'm not looking at
(22:59):
my phone.
My dog and I are walking.
I notice the nature, I noticedthe wind, the sounds, the birds
and things come to me to blogabout, like I just blogged a
whole blog about dandelions andhow we're conditioned to think
that they're weeds, but how muchthere's so much beauty in them
(23:21):
and how much they offer to theworld and all the healing
properties.
But anyway, you know, justfinding little joys like dancing
, singing.
Children know how to wake upand, oh, I want to play, I want
to have fun.
It doesn't always have to bework news everything's hard,
(23:41):
everything's struggle.
You know it's like Be kind toyourself, be kind to others,
smile at others.
You'll see that there's a lotof kindness and there's a lot of
joy in the world.
Just open yourself to it, youknow, and be childlike, play a
little like, be goofy, be silly,you know.
(24:01):
You know, and I I like tostress that and I think that
that's my favorite part of uhcoaching is just teaching how to
.
Well, loving yourself is veryimportant, but children tend to
love themselves yeah so umloving yourselves and being
childlike.
It's, it's very important.
Speaker 2 (24:20):
yeah, and if you think of a child going on a walk
, they're not trying to likecount their calories or look at
the time they're actuallythey're slowing down and they're
like paying attention to theflowers or the wind and noticing
you know something floating inthe river and pointing it out,
and I think as adults we losethat playful, mindful approach
(24:44):
to life and that, beingchildlike, I think, is a real
good thing to remind people todo.
Speaker 3 (24:50):
Absolutely, absolutely.
I try to incorporate it everyday into my life, every single
day, and I have grandchildren,which I have them twice a week
and that's just.
I just took my granddaughteryesterday on a bike trail ride
along the creek and so manythings like just seeing a deer,
and she's like, oh, what do youwant to name the deer?
(25:10):
Or what do you want to namethat butterfly or that squirrel?
And oh, let's name itBlackberry and all these
different fun things that areeasy and nice and I think it's
important to experience the goodthings in the world, you know.
Speaker 2 (25:29):
Right.
So we had talked that you mightbe able to give a testimonial
by removing some identifyinginformation, to just maybe give
a glimpse of maybe one of yourstar students who kind of went
through the program well and yousaw some of the transformation
that we've been talking about inmindset, self-awareness,
(25:51):
self-love, maybe even a littlechildlike.
Can you think of someone thatkind of was a role model of?
Maybe not all four of those,but just one or two of those
kind of transformational thingsthat you're aiming for?
Speaker 3 (26:04):
Well, I guess I had somebody who had a lot of social
anxiety, didn't like to go outand be around people, and we
just kind of talked about thatand found ways to think
differently and found ways ofwhat to think about when you are
in a crowd.
And she actually went to a uhlike this huge conference and
(26:30):
it's.
And she had been through somepretty severe trauma and was
really anxious and afraid to bein crowds.
And she now not only is okaybeing in crowds, she enjoys
meeting people and things andshe just is like a lit up
Christmas tree when she talksabout it because she just feels
(26:51):
so free.
And I guess another quickexample is someone came to me
and they were like in tears,just I'm, and she's in her late
60s, like I just have a hardtime liking myself or loving
myself, and you know my husbandwill be like oh stop, you're a
(27:12):
good person, why do you do that?
And she had been a part oforganized religion that actually
taught you know, like you'reunworthy, you know you're,
you're a sinner, you know she'sbeen taught this for so many
years and I and I just kind oftalked to her about so you love
(27:32):
God, right?
Yes, I do love God and I saidwell, you know, god is inside of
you and he created you and hegave you this inner being, this
soul, like, don't you think thegreatest gift you can give God
is to love something he created,he created?
How could you not lovesomething God created, you
created, if you, you know, ifyou love God and and so we just,
(27:54):
I like that spin that you tookwith her.
Speaker 2 (27:56):
That's probably the right angle, because she had
kind of had some negativemessaging that came from her
religion that really held herback from loving herself.
Speaker 3 (28:07):
Yeah, and and now you know, through meditation,
journaling and keeping thatthought that she is a creation
of God is just she's so muchmore happier and she's learning
to love herself.
So these kinds of things justmake me really happy.
Just to make a slight change insomebody's life.
Speaker 2 (28:26):
You know, that's great, that's amazing.
Well, I only have a couple moreareas to cover and then we'll
we'll consider this a greatpodcast for our listeners.
This has just been an amazingexperience, since our podcast is
about love stories.
I'm kind of a big fan oftelling a love story, love
stories, I'm kind of a big fanof telling a love story, and so
(28:49):
as we came on the show, you feltlike you're 1000%.
Your love story is about yourchildren and your grandchildren,
so can you tell me?
Speaker 3 (29:01):
more about why that is your love story that's the
most meaningful to you.
You, oh man, I think I think mychildren saved me.
I had my son shortly after, youknow, I started coming.
I was like 25.
So two years after coming outof you know the nervous
breakdown and learning how tothink, you know, and I mean just
holding him in my arms and wow,like my whole world changed.
(29:27):
And and it was so important tome because I didn't have stable
parents to be this rock to them,to be this, not only this
distant discipline, I mean I, I,discipline is very important,
but discipline is not the onlything in raising our children.
It's love, it's play, it'sgiving them an expression and
(29:48):
letting them be this person theywant to be and guiding them.
And oh my God, just I mean Ihave not went through the time
period that parents talk aboutlike, oh, terrible twos, that
was never a thing for me.
Teenage years terrible no, thatwas never a thing for me.
Teenage years terrible no, it'snever been a thing for me.
I've always loved being theirparent and there were times I
(30:14):
was very strict, but I was alsoloving and allowed them to
express their feelings and wejust had this beautiful
relationship together.
We're very close.
I see my children all the timewhere they're married and they
live in their own places, but weget together all the time.
(30:35):
We talk all the time.
We're super close and now mygrandchildren are just an
extension of that and I can'teven tell you how much love they
have put into my heart.
Just that is 1,000%, yes, mylove story, if not 1 million%.
Speaker 2 (30:54):
I've heard way too many kind of romantic people
falling in love stories.
I love family togetherness.
It's a high value of mine andI'm the one in my family that's
trying to get a sibling reunion.
And sometimes it's like herdingcats because they're busy and
I'm like can't you prioritizefamily?
You know and I, and then, ohgreat, shane's on his soapbox,
he's trying to force it for itto come together organically,
(31:19):
just shares.
That like love is leading, thatlike people want to feel love,
they want to create memories andwhen it happens organically,
it's just beautiful becausepeople want to be together
because they feel love there,and so good job in creating that
.
Speaker 3 (31:33):
Thank you, thank you.
That is my most.
I just that accomplishment ismy most prized accomplishment.
I mean just to have family andthat we love each other and we
are there for each other and wehave fun together.
I mean it's really a beautifulthing.
Speaker 2 (31:54):
That's great, all right.
The very final questions arejust some fun little questions,
just for the people to get toknow you outside of your role as
a coach and a trauma specialist.
So what is your favorite thingto do on a weekend?
I think I can guess what youranswer is going to be, but do
you want to share?
It's either a mindful walk orfamily, is my guess.
Speaker 3 (32:13):
Yeah, I do, but my most favorite thing to do on my
time off and it doesn't alwaysfall on weekends, because
sometimes I'm pretty busy withwork on weekends, but I love to
take time out, like chunks oftime, maybe three, four days
here and there I love to travel,I love to get away and I have.
(32:38):
I was blessed enough to be ableto get like my son, his wife,
my daughter, her husband, my, mygrandchildren and my ex-husband
, my children's father.
Together we went to Costa Ricaand we like to travel, we like
to do little weekend getaways.
We like to yeah, it's usuallysomething with my family.
I have a great circle offriends as well, that you know.
(32:59):
I like to go out to dinner with.
I'm a foodie, I love food, so Ido.
Because of my eating habits,I've gotten over all those crazy
thoughts and I can eat healthyand fun and have a good balance
of that.
Healthy and fun and have a goodbalance of that, um, which are
you know I help some of myclients with as well.
(33:20):
But, um, yeah, I, I just liketo enjoy life.
Yeah, I like to play, I like togo on bike rides, I like to be
around people that bring valueto you.
Know that we bring value toeach other's lives.
That's beautiful.
Speaker 2 (33:33):
That beautiful, that's great.
Um, what is something on yournightstand right now?
Speaker 3 (33:39):
on my nightstand.
On my nightstand right now isum Kleenex.
Okay, Kleenex, I always have aglass of water there.
You know nothing toointeresting.
I guess my room is filled withlike art that I love on my walls
(34:03):
.
I have a nice music wall whereI have some of my favorite
artists who I have a lady inSwitzerland who does art with
crayon and torn paper and shemakes lifelike portraits of
celebrities, and so for me Ihave a music wall with that art
on there with a giant microphone, and so my bedroom is my like
(34:26):
kind of my artsy room and I loveit, but my nightstand isn't
that interesting.
Speaker 2 (34:32):
You know what, keeping it simple is nice.
You know, know, kleenex, theremight be a clock, or maybe just
a Kleenex and water.
That's good yeah there'snothing wrong with keeping it
simple, okay, um, do you have afavorite tv or movie?
And?
And?
And?
What is it and why?
Speaker 3 (34:50):
oh, my favorite movie was the uh, it's the only movie
I actually went to go see bymyself and I don't know why.
I saw it up there and I waslike I'm going to pull in and
see this.
This was many years ago and I'mactually glad I went by myself,
because I got in my car andcried for about three hours
after that.
But it's called what Dreams MayCome, with Robin Williams in it
(35:12):
.
I don't know if you've seen it.
Speaker 2 (35:13):
I don't think I've seen that one.
Tell me just a brief recap.
Speaker 3 (35:16):
It's a pretty intense story.
It's a very intense story aboutthese parents who they meet.
They have this great love storyand they have children and I
don't want to give away too muchof it, but they lose their
children and they go throughthese struggles and it covers
like loss and it covers suicide,and then it covers a love so
(35:44):
deep that someone would go tohell to rescue somebody and it's
just such a beautiful, powerfulstory but it is intense, it is
intense, it is intense.
But I mean I'm just amazed atthe writing and the acting and
and just the idea of this movieis really amazing so yeah.
Speaker 2 (36:08):
so if you're feeling like a therapy movie that kind
of pulls on the heartstrings,that sounds like a good one to
get you thinking more deeply onlife.
Speaker 3 (36:18):
Yeah, it is pretty intense, it's very sad, but it's
also very beautiful.
Speaker 2 (36:24):
Okay, so in closing here, how can people find you?
If they want to work with you,they feel a connection with you.
What's the best way to to findyou?
Speaker 3 (36:37):
well, my website's pretty easy.
Shirleybuckcom the the name ofmy, my company that I you know.
I named it red leaf alternativehealing, but it was just so
much easier to just doshirleybuckcom for my website so
people can land on it.
But so when you you land there,you'll see Red Leaf Alternative
Healing.
But yeah, charliebuckcom is theeasiest way you can actually
(36:59):
set up a free consultation callwith me.
Through there you getinformation on my book.
There's also other podcasts andblogs and there's all kinds of
things on my website.
Speaker 2 (37:11):
That's beautiful.
Well, this has been an amazingexperience and I'm so excited to
edit this episode, get itreleased.
I'll be sending you a link and,if I have your picture and bio,
if you can just make sure Ihave that so I can get that.
You know, with the show notes,but it was a delight having you
(37:32):
on the show.
Speaker 3 (37:34):
Oh, it was so great being here, it's so great
talking with you and thank youagain for having me as a guest.
You
What makes life good.
Science and your lifeexperience remind you that the
greatest happiness this worldhas to offer comes from loving
relationships.
Welcome to the Help for LovingRelationships podcast.
Here we focus on strengtheningour marriages and our families,
as well as your connection tofriends and community.
(00:33):
Our host, shane Adamson, is atherapist who has had a front
row seat to what builds lovingrelationships as well as what
hurts relationships.
Please welcome your host, shaneAdamson.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
Hello everyone, welcome to the Hope for Loving
Relationships show.
I'm really excited to haveShirley Buck on our show today
and we are going to be talkingabout trauma.
Last month I actually went tothe Green Shoe and I gave an
earlier review of my Green Shoeexperience earlier this month,
(01:15):
and now we get to do a deeperdive into some models of healing
.
And so welcome to the show,shirley.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
Hi, thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
So I would feel it would be beneficial if you could
just share a little bit aboutyourself and a little bit about
what led you to take an interestin helping people through
healing trauma.
Speaker 3 (01:40):
Absolutely.
I myself had been through yearsof severe abuse and trauma as a
child, which led me I guess Ican tell you a little bit of my
story.
I was born to deaf parents andwhen you're born to deaf parents
(02:01):
, that poses a challenge initself because you become their
voice and their ears, and Iinterpreted their divorce.
At five years old, I had becomethe caregiver of my mother.
I moved in with my mother, Ilived with my mother after the
(02:22):
divorce and she had become aabusive alcoholic and she took
all her anger and frustrationout on me and she'd be gone
sometime days on end and when wewould get our food stamps, she
would sell them to buy alcoholand stuff.
So it was a really bad cycle.
(02:43):
She was physically abusive, shewas emotionally abusive and it
all stemmed from her becoming analcoholic due to the divorce
and being insecure.
She grew up as a deaf child whowas hidden in the bedroom when
company would come over becausethey were embarrassed that she
was deaf.
So she had a lot of problems ofher own to deal with and by the
(03:09):
time I was 13, she hadcommitted suicide and tried to
take my life as well.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
So, um, I call those big T traumas.
I had no idea you went throughthat much.
In our planning meeting youwere not sharing as much, but
wow, that's pretty monumentaltrauma that you had to go
through by the age of 13.
Speaker 3 (03:36):
Yeah, yeah, and I had already been through a lot with
you know, a lot of trauma andabuse from several of her
boyfriends.
She would go out and get drunkand just all these things would
happen that I would have tohandle going to the hospital
with her and and even anabortion clinic.
I had to go with her when shehad been raped and I was 12 and
had to interpret this and it'sthe book will go further, deeper
(04:00):
into.
I wrote the book so that otherscan understand what I had been
through and what I had overcomethrough mindset transformation.
So anyway, it had moved onwhere I had moved in with my dad
, but he was remarried and mystepmom didn't want me to eat
there or wash my clothes there.
So I got a job at 13, workingfor a local grocery store.
(04:23):
At 13, working for a localgrocery store, and that man
molested me for two years andthen I met a guy who was 25 and
he was like, oh, I love you, I'mgoing to take care of you and
all these things.
And and I trusted him at 15, Ithought, oh, finally, you know,
someone's going to love me.
And and he told me he couldn'thave children or whatever.
Four months months later I'mpregnant.
(04:43):
So here I am, 15, pregnant,nowhere to go, no, you know.
So I moved in with mygrandmother, but it was just a
cycle of abuse, trauma, neglect.
I think my father wanted to bethere for me, but, again, being
deaf has a different dynamic asbeing, you know, with being a
parent, and he was just tryingto keep peace at home and so,
(05:09):
anyway, like I said, I wrote thebook.
Sweet Freedom Whispered in myEar, say the title one more time
so our listeners can hear it.
Speaker 2 (05:16):
What's the title of the book?
Speaker 3 (05:18):
Sweet Freedom Whispered in my Ear, and my
author name is SA a buck, sothat book dives into the years
of trauma and abuse and it alsogives tips and inspiration on
how to overcome it and um so Ilove the title.
Speaker 2 (05:39):
Sweet freedom whisper in your ear.
I think in our planning meanyou said that there was a
turning point where you wereable to do the deeper work.
I think it was a newrelationship or what happened
where there was a turning pointfor you.
Speaker 3 (05:52):
When I was 23, I was engaged to my children's father
and you know, we didn't, ofcourse we didn't have kids or
anything.
We were just starting out ournew relationship and he was this
great guy I could trust and andlet down my guard and you think
I would be at this great happymoment in my life.
(06:13):
But what happened is I finallyfelt safe and all the abuse and
trauma and the emotions thatcome along with it rose to the
surface and I had had a nervousbreakdown.
It was the most terrifying timeof my life.
You know, for years I had justbeen suppressing that abuse with
(06:36):
addictions, whether it be drugs, alcohol.
I had eating addictions.
I was everywhere from 70 poundsto 200 pounds on the scale.
I had been a mess, but I wasjust partying with my friends
thinking, you know, justeverything's fine, everything's
fine, everything's fine.
But then it all caught up whenI finally stopped and slowed
(06:59):
down and started to live what Ithought was a normal happy life.
So it was very terrifying.
Speaker 2 (07:11):
I thought I was going to lose my mind how long was
that period from you called ityour nervous breakdown, to where
you felt some stability and getyour feet under you?
What time frame was that?
Speaker 3 (07:24):
That took a while because I just stopped going to
work.
I didn't get out of bed.
My fiance at the time wasreally trying to work with me
and he would have my best friendcome over.
Finally, after about two monthsand, like I said, I was
terrified.
I thought I was going to losemy mind.
I thought I was going to losemy mind.
(07:45):
I thought I was going to gocrazy.
I had no control over mythoughts.
I was just a mess.
He brought my niece and nephewover to go to a Cubs or a Sox
game, a baseball game and abaseball game, and he knew that
(08:10):
I loved my nieces and nephews sothat I would push myself to get
out of bed and go do something.
And I did, and that wasprobably my first step.
Everybody had started talkingabout you need to go to therapy,
you need to go to therapy.
Well, I had never been totherapy, I'd never had access to
therapy Nobody.
I just never did it and for methat wasn't an option.
(08:30):
I, in my my mind, I was likeI'm not going to go talk to
somebody who's never beenthrough things like this and I
don't know if anybody has beenthrough it or not, but in my
mind.
I was like they how are theygoing to possibly understand
everything I've been through?
And?
And I didn't want to get on medsbecause I had just, you know, I
stopped drugs and alcohol and Iwas like I don't want to get on
(08:51):
meds for just to put a bandaidon what I'm feeling.
I want to fix this, you know.
And then I started getting myhands on every self-help book I
could, and it started out withthe Feeling Good Handbook I
believe it's David Burns.
I just started doing the workand it led to mindset
(09:14):
transformation.
So I was, I was learning how tochange my mindset, and I know
it sounds like a cliche changeyour mind, change your life, but
it really works.
It really works Well.
Speaker 2 (09:27):
My first meeting with you, you did say that your
biggest breakthrough moment isgoing from a victim to a
survivor, and that is the themeof your book.
Is like how to takeresponsibility for your life and
and not be a victim your wholelife.
Speaker 3 (09:44):
Right, and not only a survivor but an overcomer, like
somebody said to me once well,I'm glad you've learned to cope
and I'm like, no, I don't copeanymore.
I I'm okay, I'm happy I don'tdeal with all the emotions that
came with my past anymore.
(10:04):
I've changed my mindset andtherefore I've changed my life.
So when you start to realizethat your past really doesn't
exist unless you give it thoughtright, it's not there, it's not
tangible, it's not somethingthat is in your home.
So if you had an abuser orsomething that caused trauma,
(10:29):
the only way you can allow themto keep you in that trauma and
in that abuse state of mind isif you give it thought right.
So if you're not giving itthought and you're learning how
to change your mindset to focuson other things, you start to
train your mind to think in adifferent way.
And if and then when you do,even science has proven people
(10:55):
who think more positive do.
Even science has proven peoplewho think more positive, more
positive opportunities come intotheir life.
And when you do, you start tosee evidence and your life
starts changing.
It becomes more abundant, itbecomes more joyful, it becomes
easier.
So changing your mindset ishuge.
Speaker 2 (11:13):
In our pre-planning meeting you went into a little
more detail, that you kind ofspend 12 weeks or three months
as your course and you like tomeet with people weekly and then
they're given assignments.
Could you share a little bitmore about, like, what are some
of the assignments and what aresome of the transformations that
you see people happen as theyare doing some of these mindset
(11:39):
activities?
Speaker 3 (11:42):
Yeah, I created a 90-day course with weekly
lessons and daily activities,and then I get together weekly
for a 45-minute to an hoursession with my clients that are
well as they're going throughthe 90 day course.
And sometimes our sessions, oursessions, aren't always geared
(12:06):
towards talking about the 90 daycourse, although if there's any
questions or anything we do, wedo touch on the 90 day course.
The 90 day course is a verysimple process.
Changing your mindset is a verysimple process.
It's just not easy because yougot to do the work, but it is a
simple process.
So, and during our talks wetalk about, you know, the things
(12:28):
that they have difficultycoming over, getting over, so
they may have a block yougetting over a certain thing
that had happened, and then wetalk about how we can address
that certain issue, and I alsoincorporate, if they like, some
energy healing and sound healing.
So, but the 90 day coursetouches on things like taking
(12:52):
ownership.
That's not only very important,but very, very powerful and
powering, because once we cansay our life is the way it is,
whether we like it or not,whether we're enjoying life or
whether we're not, it's allbecause of us.
It's nobody else outside of ourworld.
Obviously, unless you're achild, you don't have the
(13:17):
ability to take matters intoyour own hands all the time.
But as adults we do.
We are able to make choices andwe are able to take our life
into our own hands and stopblaming everyone else for the
way our life is.
So taking ownership is huge.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
Wow, I love that.
That's really beautiful, and Ithink having someone walk
alongside you, so like as peopleare doing these activities,
maybe a certain stuck pointcould come and that's where you
could kind of just say tell memore about that, and so you're.
You're not like lockstep in the12 weeks of assignments.
(13:59):
You're willing to go deeperwith someone if they're stuck in
an area and the assignments arekind of a structure to help you
move along.
Am I getting that right?
Speaker 3 (14:10):
Yes, the assignments are a way to put that groove
into your brain and the way tothink, because if you're
practicing it all the time, thenyou start to think that way and
you start to be aware of it.
Speaker 2 (14:22):
and I promise you, once you start thinking in a
better way, you don't want to goback to the way you were
thinking that caused depressionand anxiety yeah, you, you had
shared in our pre-planningmeeting that one of the
transformations well that younamed a couple, but I'm sure
there's more than two thatpeople kind of get more of a
self-care practice and they havemore inner peace.
(14:44):
Could you tell me how and whyyou think people develop this
inner peace with themselves andself-care practices that might
feed that and self-carepractices that might feed that.
Speaker 3 (14:56):
Well, other than taking ownership, I also teach
in the course to be aware ofyour emotional scale, where
you're at on your emotionalscale.
So if you're, all the way on thepart of depression.
You're obviously thinking in adepressive manner, you're seeing
the world as a bad place,you're seeing people as people
(15:18):
you can't trust and you'reseeing your life in a negative
state and that will cause you tobe on that point of the scale.
You know, if you're a happyperson and you're feeling good,
then your thoughts are in a goodplace.
So you know, mind, body andsoul is a very important thing
to work on because you could behealthy, run every day and have,
(15:38):
you know, do all the healthythings for your body, but if
your mind's not in the rightplace, you're still not going to
be happy.
So being aware of your emotionalscale, being aware of your
thoughts and then taking controlof your thoughts, is huge and
people, when they start to learnhow to like, turn off all that,
(15:59):
like you know, people will beso focused on the news and the
news really brings in a lot ofnegative things, constantly
about illness, crime.
You know all these terriblethings.
It makes you feel like.
You know there's so muchdivision in the world right now
and media just thrives on that.
(16:20):
The ratings are just shootingout of you know, off the charts
and people tune into that on adaily basis and then they start
to without even knowing.
You're just being conditionedto think about how bad the world
is, and it's a wonder everybodyisn't depressed like it's just.
It's really.
(16:40):
We are bombarded and I remembermy grandmother telling me as a
child one time about watchinglike a violent movie or
something she's like if youdon't want it happening into
your living room, why would youbring it into your living room?
So I mean, that's a simple wayto think of it, right.
Speaker 2 (16:56):
It is, yeah, like kind of guard your mind and be
you know.
You get to set boundaries onhow much of this negative
commentary that's in the world,whether no matter if it's social
media or TV, it's there.
If you tune into it too long itcan start to affect you.
Speaker 3 (17:15):
Absolutely, absolutely.
And you know I like to be awareof what's going on.
I get like a daily skim into myemail and I do things like sign
petitions and vote and do thethings that I feel I'm in
control of, but all the otherthings that I'm not in control
of I don't want to go out intothe world in fear because
(17:36):
they're constantly telling me beafraid, it's terrible, be
afraid it's terrible out there.
I don't want to live my lifethat way.
So I do the proactive thingsthat I can do that are in my
control, but I shut out what Ican't control.
Speaker 2 (17:49):
Yeah, thanks for sharing that.
You had also shared that one ofyour tools that you teach
clients is meditation and insome of our earlier podcasts
we've talked on eithermeditation or like journaling,
and maybe you could unpack alittle bit like how you see
meditation helpful or evenjournaling.
(18:10):
I know that those are both kindof important tools that you use
in your program.
Speaker 3 (18:18):
Yes, yes, absolutely.
When you quiet your mind it'spretty neat.
But although I start people whoaren't used to meditation on a
guided meditation because whenyou start out with a guided
meditation there's someonetelling you and helping you, you
(18:39):
know, put those thoughts into avision and it helps you learn
how to kind of shut your brainoff from your regular everyday
thoughts that constantly runthrough your brain.
And you go on this journey,whether it be meditation and
raising your vibration, you know, because we're all energy
(19:00):
beings or a meditation onletting go of trauma, or peace,
or whatever the meditation isfor you.
The guided meditation is agreat way to start.
And once you get used to theguided meditation and you're
comfortable with meditating, Ilike to go into where you just
(19:21):
turn off your thoughts and go toa quiet place.
Then you start to be aware ofwhat thoughts start to come to
you and instead of just oh, no,I can't think anything and
blocking it out, be aware, oh, Iguess I usually think of this
and they just let it pass.
And once you learn to quiet yourmind, you really do connect to
(19:44):
like mind.
You really do connect to likean inner being that starts to
give you an idea and differentways to go about things.
You actually do receiveinformation when you quiet your
mind.
So, yes, meditation is very,very powerful, and journaling is
as well, because when you aregoing through a new process,
(20:06):
like a 90-day course, you wantto write down where you were and
what you were going through sothat you can actually go back
and see the improvements thatyou're making.
And also, sometimes, whenyou're journaling, you discover
things about yourself.
Oh yeah, and you write thingsdown and it's a way of being
aware as well.
Speaker 2 (20:25):
So wow, beautiful journaling meditation is very
powerful um, going back to themeditation idea, um, I do
believe, like in my marriage,for example, my wife is a real
regular meditator and shebelieves that the universe gives
her messages.
I also meditate.
(20:47):
I'm not as good at meditationas she is, but you know, I feel
like God gives me messages.
But I do believe that thecommon thing that we both agree
on is quieting the mind, allowsaccess for these messages to
come, so that we're not havingthat internal chatter, so that
we're just kind of like in thisbusy, anxious mindset, how can
(21:09):
you receive messages if yourmind is racing with all this
internal chatter?
So I think that's the power ofmeditation so you can hear these
important messages for yourpersonal inspiration, or what
are the things that matter most,and not just kind of going to
the urgent or the crisis, butfocusing on the things that
(21:30):
matter most.
Speaker 3 (21:31):
Yes, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
Yeah, that's beautiful.
There was something you said onjournaling that I wanted to to
kind of recite back to.
You said you know, some of myclients use journal to release
anger.
Some people use it to write andreflect, to get clarity about
their emotions.
Sometimes it can be gratitude.
So like, as you think throughsome of your clients, you know
(21:55):
that you're seeing now, is itsimilar to that?
Or are there any other thingsthat you want to highlight or
talk more about any of those twoor three things, that kind of
the benefits of journaling?
It seems like.
Speaker 3 (22:12):
Those are the benefits of journaling.
And, yeah, a lot of things riseto the surface and with each
client you know they all haveunique individual experiences
through it, which is amazing,but it is all positive.
Another thing I'd like to touchon that was one of my that
always seems to be one of my, myclients.
Favorite part of the course islearning how to be childlike.
(22:34):
Um, a lot of us go through lifein autopilot we go to work, we
come home, we eat dinner, wewatch tv, we go to work, we go.
We have this habit we fall into.
We're on autopilot and weforget to have fun, we forget to
just the little joyful things.
I take mindful walks and I'm noton my phone, I'm not looking at
(22:59):
my phone.
My dog and I are walking.
I notice the nature, I noticedthe wind, the sounds, the birds
and things come to me to blogabout, like I just blogged a
whole blog about dandelions andhow we're conditioned to think
that they're weeds, but how muchthere's so much beauty in them
(23:21):
and how much they offer to theworld and all the healing
properties.
But anyway, you know, justfinding little joys like dancing
, singing.
Children know how to wake upand, oh, I want to play, I want
to have fun.
It doesn't always have to bework news everything's hard,
(23:41):
everything's struggle.
You know it's like Be kind toyourself, be kind to others,
smile at others.
You'll see that there's a lotof kindness and there's a lot of
joy in the world.
Just open yourself to it, youknow, and be childlike, play a
little like, be goofy, be silly,you know.
(24:01):
You know, and I I like tostress that and I think that
that's my favorite part of uhcoaching is just teaching how to
.
Well, loving yourself is veryimportant, but children tend to
love themselves yeah so umloving yourselves and being
childlike.
It's, it's very important.
Speaker 2 (24:20):
yeah, and if you think of a child going on a walk
, they're not trying to likecount their calories or look at
the time they're actuallythey're slowing down and they're
like paying attention to theflowers or the wind and noticing
you know something floating inthe river and pointing it out,
and I think as adults we losethat playful, mindful approach
(24:44):
to life and that, beingchildlike, I think, is a real
good thing to remind people todo.
Speaker 3 (24:50):
Absolutely, absolutely.
I try to incorporate it everyday into my life, every single
day, and I have grandchildren,which I have them twice a week
and that's just.
I just took my granddaughteryesterday on a bike trail ride
along the creek and so manythings like just seeing a deer,
and she's like, oh, what do youwant to name the deer?
(25:10):
Or what do you want to namethat butterfly or that squirrel?
And oh, let's name itBlackberry and all these
different fun things that areeasy and nice and I think it's
important to experience the goodthings in the world, you know.
Speaker 2 (25:29):
Right.
So we had talked that you mightbe able to give a testimonial
by removing some identifyinginformation, to just maybe give
a glimpse of maybe one of yourstar students who kind of went
through the program well and yousaw some of the transformation
that we've been talking about inmindset, self-awareness,
(25:51):
self-love, maybe even a littlechildlike.
Can you think of someone thatkind of was a role model of?
Maybe not all four of those,but just one or two of those
kind of transformational thingsthat you're aiming for?
Speaker 3 (26:04):
Well, I guess I had somebody who had a lot of social
anxiety, didn't like to go outand be around people, and we
just kind of talked about thatand found ways to think
differently and found ways ofwhat to think about when you are
in a crowd.
And she actually went to a uhlike this huge conference and
(26:30):
it's.
And she had been through somepretty severe trauma and was
really anxious and afraid to bein crowds.
And she now not only is okaybeing in crowds, she enjoys
meeting people and things andshe just is like a lit up
Christmas tree when she talksabout it because she just feels
(26:51):
so free.
And I guess another quickexample is someone came to me
and they were like in tears,just I'm, and she's in her late
60s, like I just have a hardtime liking myself or loving
myself, and you know my husbandwill be like oh stop, you're a
(27:12):
good person, why do you do that?
And she had been a part oforganized religion that actually
taught you know, like you'reunworthy, you know you're,
you're a sinner, you know she'sbeen taught this for so many
years and I and I just kind oftalked to her about so you love
(27:32):
God, right?
Yes, I do love God and I saidwell, you know, god is inside of
you and he created you and hegave you this inner being, this
soul, like, don't you think thegreatest gift you can give God
is to love something he created,he created?
How could you not lovesomething God created, you
created, if you, you know, ifyou love God and and so we just,
(27:54):
I like that spin that you tookwith her.
Speaker 2 (27:56):
That's probably the right angle, because she had
kind of had some negativemessaging that came from her
religion that really held herback from loving herself.
Speaker 3 (28:07):
Yeah, and and now you know, through meditation,
journaling and keeping thatthought that she is a creation
of God is just she's so muchmore happier and she's learning
to love herself.
So these kinds of things justmake me really happy.
Just to make a slight change insomebody's life.
Speaker 2 (28:26):
You know, that's great, that's amazing.
Well, I only have a couple moreareas to cover and then we'll
we'll consider this a greatpodcast for our listeners.
This has just been an amazingexperience, since our podcast is
about love stories.
I'm kind of a big fan oftelling a love story, love
stories, I'm kind of a big fanof telling a love story, and so
(28:49):
as we came on the show, you feltlike you're 1000%.
Your love story is about yourchildren and your grandchildren,
so can you tell me?
Speaker 3 (29:01):
more about why that is your love story that's the
most meaningful to you.
You, oh man, I think I think mychildren saved me.
I had my son shortly after, youknow, I started coming.
I was like 25.
So two years after coming outof you know the nervous
breakdown and learning how tothink, you know, and I mean just
holding him in my arms and wow,like my whole world changed.
(29:27):
And and it was so important tome because I didn't have stable
parents to be this rock to them,to be this, not only this
distant discipline, I mean I, I,discipline is very important,
but discipline is not the onlything in raising our children.
It's love, it's play, it'sgiving them an expression and
(29:48):
letting them be this person theywant to be and guiding them.
And oh my God, just I mean Ihave not went through the time
period that parents talk aboutlike, oh, terrible twos, that
was never a thing for me.
Teenage years terrible no, thatwas never a thing for me.
Teenage years terrible no, it'snever been a thing for me.
I've always loved being theirparent and there were times I
(30:14):
was very strict, but I was alsoloving and allowed them to
express their feelings and wejust had this beautiful
relationship together.
We're very close.
I see my children all the timewhere they're married and they
live in their own places, but weget together all the time.
(30:35):
We talk all the time.
We're super close and now mygrandchildren are just an
extension of that and I can'teven tell you how much love they
have put into my heart.
Just that is 1,000%, yes, mylove story, if not 1 million%.
Speaker 2 (30:54):
I've heard way too many kind of romantic people
falling in love stories.
I love family togetherness.
It's a high value of mine andI'm the one in my family that's
trying to get a sibling reunion.
And sometimes it's like herdingcats because they're busy and
I'm like can't you prioritizefamily?
You know and I, and then, ohgreat, shane's on his soapbox,
he's trying to force it for itto come together organically,
(31:19):
just shares.
That like love is leading, thatlike people want to feel love,
they want to create memories andwhen it happens organically,
it's just beautiful becausepeople want to be together
because they feel love there,and so good job in creating that
.
Speaker 3 (31:33):
Thank you, thank you.
That is my most.
I just that accomplishment ismy most prized accomplishment.
I mean just to have family andthat we love each other and we
are there for each other and wehave fun together.
I mean it's really a beautifulthing.
Speaker 2 (31:54):
That's great, all right.
The very final questions arejust some fun little questions,
just for the people to get toknow you outside of your role as
a coach and a trauma specialist.
So what is your favorite thingto do on a weekend?
I think I can guess what youranswer is going to be, but do
you want to share?
It's either a mindful walk orfamily, is my guess.
Speaker 3 (32:13):
Yeah, I do, but my most favorite thing to do on my
time off and it doesn't alwaysfall on weekends, because
sometimes I'm pretty busy withwork on weekends, but I love to
take time out, like chunks oftime, maybe three, four days
here and there I love to travel,I love to get away and I have.
(32:38):
I was blessed enough to be ableto get like my son, his wife,
my daughter, her husband, my, mygrandchildren and my ex-husband
, my children's father.
Together we went to Costa Ricaand we like to travel, we like
to do little weekend getaways.
We like to yeah, it's usuallysomething with my family.
I have a great circle offriends as well, that you know.
(32:59):
I like to go out to dinner with.
I'm a foodie, I love food, so Ido.
Because of my eating habits,I've gotten over all those crazy
thoughts and I can eat healthyand fun and have a good balance
of that.
Healthy and fun and have a goodbalance of that, um, which are
you know I help some of myclients with as well.
(33:20):
But, um, yeah, I, I just liketo enjoy life.
Yeah, I like to play, I like togo on bike rides, I like to be
around people that bring valueto you.
Know that we bring value toeach other's lives.
That's beautiful.
Speaker 2 (33:33):
That beautiful, that's great.
Um, what is something on yournightstand right now?
Speaker 3 (33:39):
on my nightstand.
On my nightstand right now isum Kleenex.
Okay, Kleenex, I always have aglass of water there.
You know nothing toointeresting.
I guess my room is filled withlike art that I love on my walls
(34:03):
.
I have a nice music wall whereI have some of my favorite
artists who I have a lady inSwitzerland who does art with
crayon and torn paper and shemakes lifelike portraits of
celebrities, and so for me Ihave a music wall with that art
on there with a giant microphone, and so my bedroom is my like
(34:26):
kind of my artsy room and I loveit, but my nightstand isn't
that interesting.
Speaker 2 (34:32):
You know what, keeping it simple is nice.
You know, know, kleenex, theremight be a clock, or maybe just
a Kleenex and water.
That's good yeah there'snothing wrong with keeping it
simple, okay, um, do you have afavorite tv or movie?
And?
And?
And?
What is it and why?
Speaker 3 (34:50):
oh, my favorite movie was the uh, it's the only movie
I actually went to go see bymyself and I don't know why.
I saw it up there and I waslike I'm going to pull in and
see this.
This was many years ago and I'mactually glad I went by myself,
because I got in my car andcried for about three hours
after that.
But it's called what Dreams MayCome, with Robin Williams in it
(35:12):
.
I don't know if you've seen it.
Speaker 2 (35:13):
I don't think I've seen that one.
Tell me just a brief recap.
Speaker 3 (35:16):
It's a pretty intense story.
It's a very intense story aboutthese parents who they meet.
They have this great love storyand they have children and I
don't want to give away too muchof it, but they lose their
children and they go throughthese struggles and it covers
like loss and it covers suicide,and then it covers a love so
(35:44):
deep that someone would go tohell to rescue somebody and it's
just such a beautiful, powerfulstory but it is intense, it is
intense, it is intense.
But I mean I'm just amazed atthe writing and the acting and
and just the idea of this movieis really amazing so yeah.
Speaker 2 (36:08):
so if you're feeling like a therapy movie that kind
of pulls on the heartstrings,that sounds like a good one to
get you thinking more deeply onlife.
Speaker 3 (36:18):
Yeah, it is pretty intense, it's very sad, but it's
also very beautiful.
Speaker 2 (36:24):
Okay, so in closing here, how can people find you?
If they want to work with you,they feel a connection with you.
What's the best way to to findyou?
Speaker 3 (36:37):
well, my website's pretty easy.
Shirleybuckcom the the name ofmy, my company that I you know.
I named it red leaf alternativehealing, but it was just so
much easier to just doshirleybuckcom for my website so
people can land on it.
But so when you you land there,you'll see Red Leaf Alternative
Healing.
But yeah, charliebuckcom is theeasiest way you can actually
(36:59):
set up a free consultation callwith me.
Through there you getinformation on my book.
There's also other podcasts andblogs and there's all kinds of
things on my website.
Speaker 2 (37:11):
That's beautiful.
Well, this has been an amazingexperience and I'm so excited to
edit this episode, get itreleased.
I'll be sending you a link and,if I have your picture and bio,
if you can just make sure Ihave that so I can get that.
You know, with the show notes,but it was a delight having you
(37:32):
on the show.
Speaker 3 (37:34):
Oh, it was so great being here, it's so great
talking with you and thank youagain for having me as a guest.
You
Popular Podcasts
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
True Crime Tonight
If you eat, sleep, and breathe true crime, TRUE CRIME TONIGHT is serving up your nightly fix. Five nights a week, KT STUDIOS & iHEART RADIO invite listeners to pull up a seat for an unfiltered look at the biggest cases making headlines, celebrity scandals, and the trials everyone is watching. With a mix of expert analysis, hot takes, and listener call-ins, TRUE CRIME TONIGHT goes beyond the headlines to uncover the twists, turns, and unanswered questions that keep us all obsessed—because, at TRUE CRIME TONIGHT, there’s a seat for everyone. Whether breaking down crime scene forensics, scrutinizing serial killers, or debating the most binge-worthy true crime docs, True Crime Tonight is the fresh, fast-paced, and slightly addictive home for true crime lovers.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com