December 12, 2024 • 32 mins
Photography has betrayed me. It’s given me an out under the facade of going in. It’s become an emotional to do list too long to ever conquer. Just as I brain dump my ideas and to do tasks onto a paper in an effort for relief and fake accountability, I take pictures when I’m seeing something that feels too much, thinking- I’ll feel this later. My friend asked me the other day in response to my photographic frustration- “can’t that moment be enough? The thisness of that moment and why you photographed it?”- can’t it be whole on it’s own without feeling like there’s a further emotional processing that needs to happen? It was such a wonderful question that felt like buoyant possibility. And I immediately felt the answer I didn't want...nope. Today I ask you one of the most important questions anyone can be asked in life- the same question that revealed my sophisticated subconscious self sabotage that made me consider putting the camera down for a while. Subscribe to free visual/written podcast episodes delivered to your inbox HERE.
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I have felt like photography has betrayed me.
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.9002267574it Has given me an out under the facade of going in. 3 00:00:08,783.9002267574 --> 00:00:16,583.900226757 It's become this huge, overflowing, emotional to do list that's too long for me to ever quite conquer. 4 00:00:16,633.900226757 --> 00:00:21,253.901226757 These pictures that I take are like folding the page of a book. 5 00:00:21,303.901226757 --> 00:00:22,263.901226757 Okay, yes, this. 6 00:00:22,673.901226757 --> 00:00:23,893.901226757 I will revisit this. 7 00:00:23,963.901226757 --> 00:00:24,453.901226757 Yes. 8 00:00:24,503.901226757 --> 00:00:25,573.901226757 I must revisit this. 9 00:00:25,593.901226757 --> 00:00:27,423.901226757 This is so important. 10 00:00:27,463.901226757 --> 00:00:30,413.901226757 With this knowing that I must revisit for processing later. 11 00:00:30,463.901226757 --> 00:00:37,353.901226757 It's the moments that feel complicated and heavy those are the ones that I feel like I, I can't right now. 12 00:00:37,353.901226757 --> 00:00:37,823.901226757 Later. 13 00:00:38,383.901226757 --> 00:00:38,823.901226757 Later. 14 00:00:38,853.901226757 --> 00:00:39,333.901226757 Later. 15 00:00:39,333.901226757 --> 00:00:40,343.901226757 I'll come back later. 16 00:00:40,453.901226757 --> 00:00:43,703.901226757 I'll sit with this photograph, this feeling, later. 17 00:00:44,293.901226757 --> 00:00:51,533.801226757 Repeat that about a bajillion times and now we got a bit of a fucking problem, okay? Like, I'm backlogged. 18 00:00:51,614.001226757 --> 00:00:52,7.201226757 I'm backlogged. 19 00:00:52,7.201226757 --> 00:00:54,3.901226757 I'm backlogged. 20 00:00:55,863.901226757 --> 00:00:58,73.901226757 But of course, this is not photography's fault. 21 00:00:58,83.901226757 --> 00:01:00,553.901226757 It is my own emotional acrobatics. 22 00:01:00,903.901226757 --> 00:01:04,883.901226757 Help Me See is a podcast dedicated to the art of seeing. 23 00:01:05,523.901226757 --> 00:01:12,213.901226757 It's a space for the restless visionary with an insatiable desire to create the life and work you're meant for. 24 00:01:13,188.901226757 --> 00:01:22,308.901226757 My name is Bianca Lea Mora, and I'm a photographic artist, a mother, and a coach who's transformed my fear of loss into power, art, and philosophy. 25 00:01:22,578.901226757 --> 00:01:35,738.901226757 One of the scariest quotes I never want to say is, I wish I knew at the time, but I truly believe that we have the innate ability to bring our wise 2020 hindsight to our now. 26 00:01:36,638.901226757 --> 00:01:43,878.90022676 You can deeply experience your nostalgia now, while it's actually happening, with no regrets. 27 00:01:44,978.90122676 --> 00:01:46,308.90122676 All you have to do is see. 28 00:01:47,408.90122676 --> 00:02:03,258.90122676 In this show, we laugh, we cry, we get inspired, we overshare, we have life changing conversations around making meaning, self discovery, and shedding all the BS layers in order to reconnect to our own sacred vision. 29 00:02:04,68.90122676 --> 00:02:07,728.90122676 Seeing yourself is an essential key to living powerfully. 30 00:02:08,138.90122676 --> 00:02:12,948.90122676 You are the vessel, the lens that filters absolutely everything in your life. 31 00:02:13,908.90022676 --> 00:02:35,463.90122676 What are you filtering for? Whether it be conversations with fellow artists and visionaries, or my solo audio journal style introspective ramblings, each episode is meant to feel like an exhale, an unraveling of truth, a moment for you to be able to put your finger on something that you haven't been able to for far too long. 32 00:02:37,23.90022676 --> 00:02:39,93.90022676 Come exactly as you are. 33 00:02:39,383.90022676 --> 00:02:40,243.90022676 It's perfect. 34 00:02:40,953.90022676 --> 00:02:42,473.90022676 Honor your instincts. 35 00:02:42,533.90022676 --> 00:02:48,153.90022676 Let's uncover some of the most important things in our lives which all too often can slip out from our view. 36 00:02:49,478.90122676 --> 00:02:56,358.90122676 Let's commit to seeing and consciously creating what only you can in your one and only life. 37 00:02:57,498.90122676 --> 00:02:58,168.90122676 Let's dive in. 38 00:03:03,417.23456009 --> 00:03:06,17.23456009 Hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of Help Me See. 39 00:03:07,267.23456009 --> 00:03:13,757.23456009 Today I'm coming to you from my kitchen where I am making smashed potatoes for the first time. 40 00:03:13,757.23456009 --> 00:03:18,385.03377143 So you will hear the fixings of dinner in the background. 41 00:03:19,157.68807858 --> 00:03:24,647.68907858 the thing I want to talk about today, I had actually wrote about. 42 00:03:24,833.4419057 --> 00:03:27,521.92072202 I took a few days and I was writing. 43 00:03:28,84.5426958 --> 00:03:35,754.5426958 And then I decided, oh, maybe I'll just read the writing, maybe that will be my podcast episode. 44 00:03:35,764.5426958 --> 00:03:37,114.5426958 I'll just read my writing. 45 00:03:40,224.5426958 --> 00:03:44,254.5426958 And then I tried that, and then I felt like a robot. 46 00:03:44,324.5426958 --> 00:03:52,384.5436958 So, I will redundantly speak what I've already written to you. 47 00:03:52,784.5436958 --> 00:04:14,185.23776726 And if you're interested in reading, The original form of this head to the sub stack, which would be great too, because there's also the picture element the pictures that I chose to pair with this piece of writing are pictures that I took of my kids and partner playing in the snow with the flash that drives me crazy. 48 00:04:14,185.23776726 --> 00:04:19,705.23776726 I love the use of flash and also it drives me nuts as I'm using it at the same time. 49 00:04:20,345.23776726 --> 00:04:22,985.23776726 But it was perfect for what this conversation is about. 50 00:04:23,75.23776726 --> 00:04:30,985.23776726 And this conversation is about the fact that I have felt like photography has betrayed me. 51 00:04:32,845.23776726 --> 00:04:33,715.23776726 Yes. 52 00:04:34,125.23676726 --> 00:04:38,95.23776726 Yes, I do feel like photography has betrayed me. 53 00:04:38,845.23776726 --> 00:04:59,511.36021624 And I feel like that because it has kept me outside under the facade of going inside in my life and in my emotional processing. 54 00:05:00,306.36021624 --> 00:05:03,916.36021624 Of my life, and I knew better. 55 00:05:04,876.36021624 --> 00:05:38,728.14126159 Let me just say, I know better than that, like a year, maybe two years ago, I wrote a post about the dangers of a photograph and how it creates an illusion that you're inside of your life instead of The reality oftentimes of just witnessing it outside and while that's not exactly what has been going on here it's definitely a similar conversation. 56 00:05:40,708.14226159 --> 00:05:45,318.14226159 So photography has given me an out under the facade of going in. 57 00:05:46,918.14226159 --> 00:05:56,128.14226159 It's become like this huge, overflowing, emotional to do list that's too long for me to ever quite conquer. 58 00:05:56,178.14226159 --> 00:05:59,228.14126159 I don't know about you, but I am a list maker. 59 00:05:59,718.14226159 --> 00:06:04,278.14226159 I make a ton of lists, to do, want to do, all types of lists. 60 00:06:04,553.14226159 --> 00:06:20,933.14226159 Grocery lists, um, items for the house, things I want to accomplish, things I'd like to get done today, things that I want to get done in my lifetime, project ideas, everything, just the relief I want to get it out of my head, onto the page. 61 00:06:21,803.14226159 --> 00:06:32,693.14326159 Gives me this false sense of security, this fake accountability, that's so fake, because 99 percent of the time, I just go ahead and lose the list itself. 62 00:06:34,843.14326159 --> 00:06:41,883.14326159 And these pictures that I take are like folding the page of a book. 63 00:06:43,83.14326159 --> 00:06:45,33.14326159 It's like, okay, yes, this. 64 00:06:45,443.14326159 --> 00:06:46,663.14326159 I will revisit this. 65 00:06:46,733.14326159 --> 00:06:47,223.14326159 Yes. 66 00:06:47,273.14326159 --> 00:06:48,343.14326159 I must revisit this. 67 00:06:48,363.14326159 --> 00:06:50,193.14326159 This is so important. 68 00:06:50,233.14326159 --> 00:06:51,343.14326159 I must revisit this. 69 00:06:51,953.14326159 --> 00:06:55,263.14226159 Uh, with this knowing that I must revisit for processing later. 70 00:06:55,313.14226159 --> 00:06:55,933.14326159 I must. 71 00:06:56,463.14326159 --> 00:07:23,353.14426159 And, um, I was talking to a friend, uh, and in response to this conundrum, me, oh my gosh, manically trying to describe this phenomenon, she said, well, can't that moment just be enough? Like the this, the thisness of this moment and why you photographed it, can't it be whole on its own without feeling like there is a further emotional processing that needed to happen? And in that moment, it felt like. 72 00:07:25,243.14426159 --> 00:07:26,563.14426159 Like a breath of fresh air. 73 00:07:26,573.14426159 --> 00:07:46,717.72476045 It felt like this, this vibrant possibility of like, maybe it can, maybe I'm just overlooking them And then I had this just very matter of fact visceral, like, no, it ain't it. 74 00:07:48,167.72476045 --> 00:07:48,837.72476045 It ain't it. 75 00:07:49,637.72476045 --> 00:07:56,57.72476045 The fact is, yes, the stupid annoying fact is, yes, that it can be so. 76 00:07:56,637.72476045 --> 00:08:13,387.72476045 And it is so, oftentimes, for me, when I'm, you know, in a moment of joy or something that's like very pure and clear and kind of singular in, in the feeling capacity in my emotional landscape. 77 00:08:13,917.72476045 --> 00:08:26,72.72476045 But it's the moments that feel complicated and Different and, um, a little heavy and mixed and those are the ones that I feel like I, I can't right now. 78 00:08:26,932.72476045 --> 00:08:27,402.72476045 Later. 79 00:08:27,962.72476045 --> 00:08:28,402.72476045 Later. 80 00:08:28,432.72476045 --> 00:08:28,912.72476045 Later. 81 00:08:33,412.72476045 --> 00:08:34,422.72476045 I'll come back later. 82 00:08:34,532.72476045 --> 00:08:37,782.72476045 I'll sit with this photograph, this feeling, later. 83 00:08:38,372.72476045 --> 00:08:45,612.62476045 Repeat that about a bajillion times and now we got a bit of a fucking problem, okay? Like, I'm backlogged. 84 00:08:45,692.82476045 --> 00:08:46,86.02476045 I'm backlogged. 85 00:08:46,86.02476045 --> 00:08:48,82.72476045 I'm backlogged. 86 00:08:49,942.72476045 --> 00:08:52,152.72476045 But of course, this is not photography's fault. 87 00:08:52,162.72476045 --> 00:08:54,632.72476045 It is my own emotional acrobatics. 88 00:08:57,782.72476045 --> 00:09:01,2.72476045 It's very easy to go through the motions. 89 00:09:01,2.72476045 --> 00:09:09,182.72476045 It's very easy to resist and avoid in the mask of productivity, and even deep creativity. 90 00:09:09,182.82476045 --> 00:09:14,312.72476045 And it takes a radical honesty to acknowledge that this is happening. 91 00:09:16,72.72476045 --> 00:09:17,622.72476045 Because you have the photographs. 92 00:09:17,772.72476045 --> 00:09:24,662.72476045 It's like, but look! Photographs! Proof! Look, I'm here! I'm this is This is I'm I'm feeling. 93 00:09:25,522.72476045 --> 00:09:26,122.72476045 No. 94 00:09:27,482.72476045 --> 00:09:31,362.72376045 I actually reject the notion that photographs are inherently proof of presence. 95 00:09:32,242.72476045 --> 00:09:48,412.72476045 Because, especially in 2024, the photographs themselves, I mean, even even the most unintentional, misaligned, whatever, careless, whatever, are incredible mirrors for us. 96 00:09:50,647.72476045 --> 00:10:02,877.72476045 For our subconscious, they show us ourselves, and if we look long enough, they speak to us and tell us truths that our ego eventually cannot deny. 97 00:10:10,287.72476045 --> 00:10:14,297.72376045 But the photograph itself isn't proof of an emotional state. 98 00:10:14,307.72476045 --> 00:10:16,787.72476045 It's not proof of how deeply we were in a moment. 99 00:10:17,467.72476045 --> 00:10:18,577.72376045 That's an internal range. 100 00:10:18,577.72376045 --> 00:10:20,997.72376045 That's a personal experience. 101 00:10:21,27.72376045 --> 00:10:25,357.72376045 That is a responsibility unique to every moment and unique to every person. 102 00:10:26,897.72376045 --> 00:10:28,437.72376045 And unique to the situation. 103 00:10:29,797.72476045 --> 00:10:34,227.72476045 And the time of day in life of, of everything. 104 00:10:37,627.72476045 --> 00:10:45,477.72376045 No, I, my first ever course that I made manifest your memories, like is all, it's like the foundation of my heart. 105 00:10:46,107.72476045 --> 00:10:48,317.72476045 That course, the very first thing I ever did. 106 00:10:48,327.72476045 --> 00:10:54,817.72476045 And I'm actually right now in the process of updating it and converting it over to Substack instead of on a separate platform. 107 00:10:55,247.72476045 --> 00:11:00,7.72476045 Um, so more to come on that soon, but that course is. 108 00:11:00,497.72476045 --> 00:11:08,427.72476045 Deeply and passionately for the everyday person to be able to live into their lives more through the act of photo taking. 109 00:11:09,27.72476045 --> 00:11:10,597.72376045 It's emotional excavation. 110 00:11:10,597.72476045 --> 00:11:14,277.72476045 It's deep seeing and harnessing that vision for living life now. 111 00:11:14,817.72376045 --> 00:11:15,877.72476045 That's the core of the work. 112 00:11:15,957.72476045 --> 00:11:16,557.72476045 Now. 113 00:11:16,767.72376045 --> 00:11:17,557.72376045 Now, now. 114 00:11:19,787.72476045 --> 00:11:21,197.72376045 Manifest your memories. 115 00:11:21,197.72476045 --> 00:11:28,877.72476045 Like, that active, uh, not passive, that active, manifest, manifest. 116 00:11:29,242.72476045 --> 00:11:37,212.72476045 A memory that we're typically used to thinking of something that happened far, you know, long ago, like, it's the thing that's happening now. 117 00:11:40,202.72376045 --> 00:11:42,742.72376045 And lately, it just feels like I've vacated the premises. 118 00:11:43,927.72476045 --> 00:11:48,377.72476045 Like, a purposeful choosing of not entering a moment while I'm photographing it. 119 00:11:50,697.72476045 --> 00:11:56,57.72476045 An actual desire to stay on the surface because I do not have the energy to go below. 120 00:11:57,587.72476045 --> 00:12:01,907.72476045 And I've gotten pretty good at this, but there's only so long we can avoid ourselves. 121 00:12:05,127.72476045 --> 00:12:14,677.72376045 The photographic act is swarming with overwhelming magnitude, utility, and all your personal shit. 122 00:12:18,797.72376045 --> 00:12:28,997.72476045 My newfound mastery of staying in this practice whilst avoiding myself has made me want to switch mediums. 123 00:12:36,217.72476045 --> 00:12:42,597.72476045 I've just become disenchanted for XYZ reasons. 124 00:12:45,307.72476045 --> 00:12:58,7.72376045 I have felt lately so friggin tired and, you know, I'm kinda not someone that is able to roll with the season in that way. 125 00:12:58,517.72476045 --> 00:13:08,287.72376045 I'm someone that has to create this grand narrative around it because it makes me uncomfortable to lose any ounce of my life. 126 00:13:09,402.72376045 --> 00:13:16,392.72376045 Passion or inspiration or creative energy in an area. 127 00:13:18,612.72376045 --> 00:13:23,422.72376045 I either put nowhere near enough olive oil or way too much. 128 00:13:23,422.72376045 --> 00:13:24,322.72376045 There's no in between. 129 00:13:24,492.72376045 --> 00:13:26,692.72376045 I don't know. 130 00:13:28,312.72376045 --> 00:13:34,782.72276045 Isn't that exactly what I'm talking about what I do in life anyway? Um, oh. 131 00:13:38,232.72276045 --> 00:13:42,622.72276045 Parsley just completely dumped all over these potatoes. 132 00:13:42,622.82276045 --> 00:13:48,742.62376045 Okay. 133 00:13:50,482.82376045 --> 00:13:59,272.72376045 So, I know better. 134 00:13:59,942.72376045 --> 00:14:06,194.01627746 I know the photograph, I know the medium, the photography has not betrayed me. 135 00:14:06,444.01627746 --> 00:14:07,14.01527746 It's me. 136 00:14:08,184.01627746 --> 00:14:09,44.01627746 I know it's me. 137 00:14:09,114.01627746 --> 00:14:12,246.28285116 Just like it's not about these beautiful pitbulls. 138 00:14:12,706.28285116 --> 00:14:14,116.28285116 It's about the owners. 139 00:14:14,116.38285116 --> 00:14:16,976.28285116 I have a pitbull boxer. 140 00:14:23,976.28285116 --> 00:14:25,786.28285116 I just need a backtrack for a 2nd. 141 00:14:26,606.48285116 --> 00:14:32,626.48185116 Back to seasonality, though, of course, the standard mix of life, and especially being a mom, raising 2 little boys. 142 00:14:34,976.48285116 --> 00:14:58,996.48185116 Can play a serious role in, in the conversation we're having, but underneath the low hanging fruit of excuses like that, those of which magically disappear whenever I really want them to, hint, hint, right? It's like feeling like you have to juggle a katrillion things, but all of a sudden, if you're actually sick, everything gets wiped off the schedule. 143 00:14:58,996.48185116 --> 00:15:05,26.48285116 It's weird, right? Like all of a sudden, all of those commitments get to go away. 144 00:15:05,26.48285116 --> 00:15:05,66.48285116 Okay. 145 00:15:05,561.48285116 --> 00:15:10,691.48285116 Because you don't want to get someone else sick or you literally physically cannot. 146 00:15:12,801.48285116 --> 00:15:18,421.48285116 We always, always, always make time for what we actually really, really want to do. 147 00:15:18,761.48285116 --> 00:15:22,501.48285116 And I think that's hard to hear and that's hard to face and that's hard to look in the eye. 148 00:15:25,381.48285116 --> 00:15:29,201.48185116 So with that knowing, I'm left with something I always knew. 149 00:15:30,231.48185116 --> 00:15:30,811.48185116 shocker. 150 00:15:35,401.48185116 --> 00:15:46,851.48285116 Sit with one foot Photograph one, it barely even matters which one and it will tell you everything you need to know. 151 00:15:50,781.48285116 --> 00:15:56,511.48285116 So I did a workshop with Alec Soth earlier in the year and it still feels completely unreal for me to say that. 152 00:15:57,911.48285116 --> 00:16:12,56.01799855 And during that workshop, we were fortunate enough to have some One on one critique time with some visiting guests and one of which is a gentleman named Vince Leo. 153 00:16:12,56.01799855 --> 00:16:16,606.01699855 And he was absolutely a gem of a human being. 154 00:16:16,626.01799855 --> 00:16:23,716.01799855 You know, I typically do not seek out or want in any capacity. 155 00:16:24,61.01799855 --> 00:16:52,261.0189985 Um, a critique, and it's not just because I'm scared of them, although, yes, I am very tender and, um, would not go unfazed by a situation like that, but more so because I just have a, a general suspicion for them, because it, I've heard so many stories about how it's either trivial and, you know, Irrelevant or leans over to deeply and painfully damaging to a person. 156 00:16:52,301.0189985 --> 00:17:01,251.0189985 And, um, you know, I've, I've heard stories that will smolder rage in me until I die. 157 00:17:04,151.0189985 --> 00:17:08,301.0189985 For people that I'm not even close with, just like these horror stories from critiques. 158 00:17:08,301.0189985 --> 00:17:13,261.0189985 And anyway, that's a whole nother soapbox and can of worms that I don't want to go into right now. 159 00:17:13,321.0189985 --> 00:17:13,651.0189985 But. 160 00:17:14,686.0189985 --> 00:17:16,806.0189985 This was not that, this was not that experience. 161 00:17:17,426.0189985 --> 00:17:24,686.0189985 Uh, I show up to this critique with a shit ton of photographs of my family projects. 162 00:17:24,736.0189985 --> 00:17:26,506.0189985 I don't even know what I want out of this critique. 163 00:17:26,536.0189985 --> 00:17:30,136.0189985 I don't even know what question I have. 164 00:17:30,166.0189985 --> 00:17:31,616.0189985 I don't, I just am there. 165 00:17:31,826.0179985 --> 00:17:37,196.0189985 This is just like a benefits of going to this workshop and okay, so I'm there. 166 00:17:39,326.0189985 --> 00:17:42,956.0189985 And he's quietly sitting there looking at all the pictures. 167 00:17:42,996.0189985 --> 00:17:47,256.0189985 I mean, I had a goal to narrow them down, and I actually even added more. 168 00:17:47,266.0189985 --> 00:17:49,706.0189985 I am like a maximalist when it comes to pictures. 169 00:17:50,176.0189985 --> 00:17:53,896.0179985 Uh, just this firehose feeling of more, more, more. 170 00:17:54,216.0189985 --> 00:17:59,506.0189985 Even though I know less is more, but I just can't help myself, and I won't help myself with that. 171 00:18:00,881.0189985 --> 00:18:01,331.0189985 I don't know. 172 00:18:01,361.0189985 --> 00:18:09,721.0189985 Just give me all the Jim Goldberg collages of a million different photographs and let me drink it in and register it as its own thing. 173 00:18:09,891.0189985 --> 00:18:10,311.0189985 I don't know. 174 00:18:10,461.0189985 --> 00:18:11,381.0179985 That's where I'm at with that. 175 00:18:11,401.0179985 --> 00:18:18,391.0189985 But he's sitting there, um, quiet and curious and warm. 176 00:18:18,571.0189985 --> 00:18:25,931.0189985 And he told me to sit with one, sit with one image. 177 00:18:25,931.1189985 --> 00:18:30,41.0189985 And I burst out crying. 178 00:18:30,701.0189985 --> 00:18:34,371.0189985 Like I, I mean like crying, like I need a tissue crying. 179 00:18:35,396.0189985 --> 00:18:41,936.0189985 And it came out like I, like it was just hanging right beneath the surface the whole time, ready to spew. 180 00:18:42,486.0189985 --> 00:18:45,246.0189985 I had no, I like choked it out of me. 181 00:18:45,546.0189985 --> 00:18:48,196.0189985 I had no reason to believe I was about to cry. 182 00:18:49,346.0189985 --> 00:18:51,6.0189985 And it was immediate. 183 00:18:52,346.0179985 --> 00:18:53,296.0189985 Tears are truth. 184 00:18:54,896.0189985 --> 00:18:56,106.0179985 Tears are truth. 185 00:19:00,126.0199985 --> 00:19:00,936.0189985 He was right. 186 00:19:02,366.0189985 --> 00:19:04,16.0189985 He was so right. 187 00:19:04,136.0189985 --> 00:19:23,146.0189985 When do I feel clarity? My monthly Nostalgia Now templates, the photographic journaling that I do every month, where I look at a shit ton of photographs from my month, and I only pick three to five. 188 00:19:24,176.0189985 --> 00:19:29,716.0189985 Then I burrow into those via the prompts and journaling, and that's when the dots are connected. 189 00:19:30,626.0189985 --> 00:19:37,306.0189985 That's when the connections feel integrated instead of purely subconscious or briefly seen. 190 00:19:37,716.0189985 --> 00:19:43,926.0189985 Briefly, like the amount of time a shutter takes to open and close. 191 00:19:46,416.0189985 --> 00:19:47,986.0189985 But I only do that ritual once a month. 192 00:19:48,346.0189985 --> 00:19:53,296.0189985 And it's mostly with the more casual cell phone photos of my life. 193 00:19:56,766.0189985 --> 00:20:02,36.0189985 Vince's wise words are still with me, and I have, for the most part, avoided them. 194 00:20:03,526.0189985 --> 00:20:09,346.0179985 Probably because the few times I did it and I sat with a picture for a long time, I cried and felt too overwhelmed. 195 00:20:12,546.0179985 --> 00:20:19,351.0189985 What is on the other side of sitting with a picture? I made for 10 fucking minutes. 196 00:20:20,761.0189985 --> 00:20:29,411.0189985 Wow, isn't it so interesting? What will I do? Instead of just doing that. 197 00:20:30,781.0189985 --> 00:20:33,481.0189985 How long has it been? It's been months. 198 00:20:33,961.0189985 --> 00:20:47,291.0189985 Why do I act like I don't have the time? Why must I look away? Probably the same reason that I have this resistance to morning pages journaling. 199 00:20:47,291.1189985 --> 00:20:53,611.0179985 It's like, uh, what is this for me? I just want to get to writing what I want to write about instead of just my stream of consciousness. 200 00:20:53,611.0189985 --> 00:20:59,969.963443 It's like, was there anything more important than clearing that stream of consciousness? That is what I'm doing with the photographs. 201 00:20:59,969.963443 --> 00:21:02,876.4967763 Oh my God, it's so hypocritical. 202 00:21:02,876.4967763 --> 00:21:03,901.0189985 Oh my gosh. 203 00:21:03,901.0189985 --> 00:21:12,921.0189985 So yesterday, yesterday, I started a new ritual for exactly this and I call it One Picture and it is now going to be its own section in my substack. 204 00:21:13,41.0179985 --> 00:21:13,821.0189985 One Picture. 205 00:21:16,21.0189985 --> 00:21:23,761.0179985 With this I choose one of my photographs and I sit with it for an uncomfortable amount of time and then let myself write whatever curls out of me. 206 00:21:25,111.0189985 --> 00:21:31,341.0189985 Prose, poetry, free writing, nonsensical, redundant, whatever, I don't give a fuck, I just let it come out. 207 00:21:33,306.0189985 --> 00:21:41,426.0189985 And when I did this, it felt like exhaling a breath I knew I was holding. 208 00:21:48,306.0189985 --> 00:21:56,356.0189985 Like, have you ever played that game in the car where you hold your breath until you pass the cemetery? It's like that. 209 00:22:00,16.0179985 --> 00:22:01,256.0179985 Here comes the cemetery. 210 00:22:01,366.0189985 --> 00:22:02,306.0189985 Here comes the picture. 211 00:22:04,156.0189985 --> 00:22:04,566.0179985 It's here. 212 00:22:04,566.0189985 --> 00:22:04,876.0184985 Okay. 213 00:22:04,876.0184985 --> 00:22:05,436.0189985 Deep inhale. 214 00:22:07,616.0179985 --> 00:22:07,906.0179985 Okay. 215 00:22:07,906.0189985 --> 00:22:08,236.0179985 It's here. 216 00:22:08,236.0189985 --> 00:22:09,435.9179985 Sit with it. 217 00:22:11,316.0179985 --> 00:22:18,546.0189985 Holding your breath until it passes, holding my feelings until I let myself see it. 218 00:22:20,586.0189985 --> 00:22:21,346.0179985 I got this. 219 00:22:21,606.0189985 --> 00:22:22,576.0189985 It's not so hard. 220 00:22:23,576.0189985 --> 00:22:24,946.0189985 Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get the gist. 221 00:22:24,946.0189985 --> 00:22:25,886.0189985 I know why I took this. 222 00:22:25,886.0189985 --> 00:22:26,376.0189985 I see it. 223 00:22:26,376.0189985 --> 00:22:26,916.0189985 I feel it. 224 00:22:27,196.0189985 --> 00:22:27,646.0189985 Yes. 225 00:22:29,296.0189985 --> 00:22:30,806.0189985 This is getting hard. 226 00:22:31,556.0189985 --> 00:22:32,816.0189985 I need air. 227 00:22:34,356.0189985 --> 00:22:36,426.0189985 This image is starting to feel fleshy. 228 00:22:36,926.0179985 --> 00:22:43,876.0179985 I'm starting to see four million other pictures and moments of my life in this picture. 229 00:22:45,936.0179985 --> 00:22:46,926.0189985 Okay, this hurts. 230 00:22:47,636.0189985 --> 00:22:53,326.0189985 Holding this breath in for this long actually actively hurts. 231 00:22:56,106.0189985 --> 00:23:01,876.0189985 Words demand their birth in response to listening to this image. 232 00:23:04,456.0189985 --> 00:23:05,286.0189985 It's past. 233 00:23:05,296.0189985 --> 00:23:09,716.0179985 I can let this stale air out and breathe again. 234 00:23:11,306.0189985 --> 00:23:14,206.0189985 I didn't even have to hold it in in the first place. 235 00:23:15,976.0189985 --> 00:23:18,26.0189985 The feeling stops looming. 236 00:23:18,946.0189985 --> 00:23:21,636.0189985 It can rest in its felt acknowledgement. 237 00:23:23,466.0189985 --> 00:23:26,856.0189985 And avoidance only prolonged the haunting. 238 00:23:30,631.0189985 --> 00:23:58,451.0189985 I think a lot of the issue here is in the limbo, it's in the incomplete expressions, the incomplete processing, the incomplete feeling, the incomplete life, and of course there are never neat and tidy, perfect, complete endings, nothing ever really really really really really feels finished, for the most part, but we know when we feel satiated and when we do not. 239 00:24:03,271.0189985 --> 00:24:10,941.0189985 I never want to stop taking pictures, but, and. 240 00:24:12,401.0189985 --> 00:24:16,331.0189985 I don't want to be beholden to an outdated version of my own truth. 241 00:24:25,991.0189985 --> 00:24:31,781.0179985 Does putting my finger on this cure the discontent that's been eating at me? I'm not sure. 242 00:24:33,411.0179985 --> 00:24:36,571.0179985 But I am sure that my commitment keeps me curious. 243 00:24:38,196.0189985 --> 00:24:44,546.0189985 The tools are the most minor details when you have something that you must create in order to breathe. 244 00:24:44,786.0189985 --> 00:24:56,146.0189985 The pictures that are on the post for this episode are pictures I took while it was Bellowing snow. 245 00:24:57,656.0189985 --> 00:25:00,426.0189985 I was in the house. 246 00:25:01,596.0189985 --> 00:25:07,566.0189985 Ben had played the good daddy role of going outside, even though he definitely didn't want to, to make a snowman. 247 00:25:08,606.0189985 --> 00:25:12,436.0189985 And, uh, I was staying inside to make hot chocolate. 248 00:25:12,666.0179985 --> 00:25:22,906.0189985 And it was less because I was wanting to be a good mommy and more because I was like, look that I do not want to go out in the snow. 249 00:25:24,996.0189985 --> 00:25:31,596.0189985 And, um, I was inside. 250 00:25:33,376.0189985 --> 00:25:43,406.0189985 And I kept looking out there because they were being very cute and very sweet and it was already dark because it gets dark at like noon these days. 251 00:25:45,266.0179985 --> 00:25:53,606.0179985 And I couldn't look away from the scene. 252 00:25:54,796.0179985 --> 00:25:57,826.0189985 Like I was completely magnetized to it. 253 00:25:57,836.0189985 --> 00:26:02,296.0189985 Just like my overhead, um, blood lamp light. 254 00:26:03,746.0189985 --> 00:26:13,986.0179985 Barely illuminated them because they were so far back, but it made all of the snow glow bright in front of them. 255 00:26:14,806.0189985 --> 00:26:19,576.0179985 And so I had to walk really close to it to even get the chance to glimpse them. 256 00:26:21,56.0189985 --> 00:26:34,916.0189985 And for the first time in a long time, I, against my low energy meh ness, went to get my camera. 257 00:26:34,986.0189985 --> 00:26:36,386.0189985 Because I had to photograph it. 258 00:26:36,566.0189985 --> 00:26:37,266.0189985 I just had to. 259 00:26:38,576.0189985 --> 00:27:00,236.0179985 And had to, not in the sense of like, I felt obligated and I should because it's cute and what, but had to in that primal, I am being drawn in this impassioned way to be in this, with this, make something of this, a compulsion. 260 00:27:03,391.0189985 --> 00:27:06,691.0189985 And it was a pain in the ass and it was fucking cold and uncomfortable. 261 00:27:06,691.0189985 --> 00:27:14,181.0189985 And I'm pretty sure I damaged my camera because I've since done a shoot, um, a random shoot that I wasn't, that wasn't, whatever. 262 00:27:14,181.0189985 --> 00:27:15,121.0189985 It doesn't matter anyway. 263 00:27:15,481.0179985 --> 00:27:29,591.0189985 Um, and now there's something on all the images and I don't know what's wrong with whatever, anyway, the point is, Oh, it felt refreshing. 264 00:27:31,881.0189985 --> 00:27:34,941.0189985 To have that feeling again. 265 00:27:37,571.0189985 --> 00:27:54,996.0189985 It felt refreshing to be Frustrated with my camera flash that I rarely ever use Because it doesn't jive with my heavy trigger finger when it comes to It's making pictures. 266 00:27:54,996.0189985 --> 00:28:06,326.0189985 The recycle speed is just trash, but it also invites this element of like helplessness for me that I'm masochistically drawn to. 267 00:28:07,866.0189985 --> 00:28:52,905.5541459 It's like, what will it let me have? What moment will it let me have? What art will it let me make? And what will I see in that? And how is that going to be perfect? It's like freshly falling in love and then being Deeply in love and then monotonously being inside of love, the spinning out of control whirlwind, the safe, content, cozy place to land, and the profound, enduring commitment mixed with mundane ignorance of feeling like you know all there is to know. 268 00:28:56,925.5541459 --> 00:29:02,105.5541459 In my eyes, the point of this medium is to be here now. 269 00:29:04,445.5541459 --> 00:29:05,345.5541459 I am human. 270 00:29:05,695.5541459 --> 00:29:10,325.5541459 And I am tired, and I am admittedly slightly jaded and frustrated. 271 00:29:12,405.5541459 --> 00:29:14,55.5541459 Photography hasn't betrayed me. 272 00:29:15,25.5541459 --> 00:29:18,965.5541459 I betrayed myself, and I knew I was. 273 00:29:19,855.5541459 --> 00:29:20,985.5531459 And it's okay. 274 00:29:33,825.5541459 --> 00:29:39,385.5536459 We don't need to burrow into every emotional nook and Cranny of our lives. 275 00:29:40,285.5536459 --> 00:29:47,700.4536459 But we need to be tethered to ourselves, close enough to know you're home. 276 00:29:48,860.5536459 --> 00:29:53,440.5536459 When it's becoming a problem, and it was becoming a problem for me. 277 00:29:56,140.5536459 --> 00:29:57,430.5536459 No, it's never the tool. 278 00:29:57,490.5536459 --> 00:29:59,680.5536459 It's never, it's never the problem. 279 00:30:00,520.5536459 --> 00:30:02,240.5536459 It's never the thing you're looking at. 280 00:30:02,590.5526459 --> 00:30:04,990.5536459 It's the refusal to look something in the eye. 281 00:30:05,820.5526459 --> 00:30:07,600.5536459 It's in the looking away. 282 00:30:08,790.5536459 --> 00:30:10,890.5526459 It's looking everywhere but here. 283 00:30:13,20.5536459 --> 00:30:19,550.5536459 And in my case, it's looking everywhere but here for more than 1 250th of a second. 284 00:30:26,490.5536459 --> 00:31:42,680.616146 So I ask you, I ask you with deep love and care, I desperately ask you, what are you pretending not to know? What are you pretending not to know? Every ounce of power is all inside of us and we can be tired and we can even be jaded, but when we have the energy to be radically Honest with ourselves. 285 00:31:46,410.616146 --> 00:31:48,390.616146 We know what we have to look in the eye. 286 00:31:55,130.616146 --> 00:31:55,610.616146 I love you. 287 00:31:56,140.616146 --> 00:31:56,790.616146 See you next week. 288 00:31:58,681.2203126 --> 00:32:01,901.2203126 This has been an Awkward Sage Production.
I have felt like photography has betrayed me.
(00:04):
.9002267574it Has given me an out under the facade of going in. 3 00:00:08,783.9002267574 --> 00:00:16,583.900226757 It's become this huge, overflowing, emotional to do list that's too long for me to ever quite conquer. 4 00:00:16,633.900226757 --> 00:00:21,253.901226757 These pictures that I take are like folding the page of a book. 5 00:00:21,303.901226757 --> 00:00:22,263.901226757 Okay, yes, this. 6 00:00:22,673.901226757 --> 00:00:23,893.901226757 I will revisit this. 7 00:00:23,963.901226757 --> 00:00:24,453.901226757 Yes. 8 00:00:24,503.901226757 --> 00:00:25,573.901226757 I must revisit this. 9 00:00:25,593.901226757 --> 00:00:27,423.901226757 This is so important. 10 00:00:27,463.901226757 --> 00:00:30,413.901226757 With this knowing that I must revisit for processing later. 11 00:00:30,463.901226757 --> 00:00:37,353.901226757 It's the moments that feel complicated and heavy those are the ones that I feel like I, I can't right now. 12 00:00:37,353.901226757 --> 00:00:37,823.901226757 Later. 13 00:00:38,383.901226757 --> 00:00:38,823.901226757 Later. 14 00:00:38,853.901226757 --> 00:00:39,333.901226757 Later. 15 00:00:39,333.901226757 --> 00:00:40,343.901226757 I'll come back later. 16 00:00:40,453.901226757 --> 00:00:43,703.901226757 I'll sit with this photograph, this feeling, later. 17 00:00:44,293.901226757 --> 00:00:51,533.801226757 Repeat that about a bajillion times and now we got a bit of a fucking problem, okay? Like, I'm backlogged. 18 00:00:51,614.001226757 --> 00:00:52,7.201226757 I'm backlogged. 19 00:00:52,7.201226757 --> 00:00:54,3.901226757 I'm backlogged. 20 00:00:55,863.901226757 --> 00:00:58,73.901226757 But of course, this is not photography's fault. 21 00:00:58,83.901226757 --> 00:01:00,553.901226757 It is my own emotional acrobatics. 22 00:01:00,903.901226757 --> 00:01:04,883.901226757 Help Me See is a podcast dedicated to the art of seeing. 23 00:01:05,523.901226757 --> 00:01:12,213.901226757 It's a space for the restless visionary with an insatiable desire to create the life and work you're meant for. 24 00:01:13,188.901226757 --> 00:01:22,308.901226757 My name is Bianca Lea Mora, and I'm a photographic artist, a mother, and a coach who's transformed my fear of loss into power, art, and philosophy. 25 00:01:22,578.901226757 --> 00:01:35,738.901226757 One of the scariest quotes I never want to say is, I wish I knew at the time, but I truly believe that we have the innate ability to bring our wise 2020 hindsight to our now. 26 00:01:36,638.901226757 --> 00:01:43,878.90022676 You can deeply experience your nostalgia now, while it's actually happening, with no regrets. 27 00:01:44,978.90122676 --> 00:01:46,308.90122676 All you have to do is see. 28 00:01:47,408.90122676 --> 00:02:03,258.90122676 In this show, we laugh, we cry, we get inspired, we overshare, we have life changing conversations around making meaning, self discovery, and shedding all the BS layers in order to reconnect to our own sacred vision. 29 00:02:04,68.90122676 --> 00:02:07,728.90122676 Seeing yourself is an essential key to living powerfully. 30 00:02:08,138.90122676 --> 00:02:12,948.90122676 You are the vessel, the lens that filters absolutely everything in your life. 31 00:02:13,908.90022676 --> 00:02:35,463.90122676 What are you filtering for? Whether it be conversations with fellow artists and visionaries, or my solo audio journal style introspective ramblings, each episode is meant to feel like an exhale, an unraveling of truth, a moment for you to be able to put your finger on something that you haven't been able to for far too long. 32 00:02:37,23.90022676 --> 00:02:39,93.90022676 Come exactly as you are. 33 00:02:39,383.90022676 --> 00:02:40,243.90022676 It's perfect. 34 00:02:40,953.90022676 --> 00:02:42,473.90022676 Honor your instincts. 35 00:02:42,533.90022676 --> 00:02:48,153.90022676 Let's uncover some of the most important things in our lives which all too often can slip out from our view. 36 00:02:49,478.90122676 --> 00:02:56,358.90122676 Let's commit to seeing and consciously creating what only you can in your one and only life. 37 00:02:57,498.90122676 --> 00:02:58,168.90122676 Let's dive in. 38 00:03:03,417.23456009 --> 00:03:06,17.23456009 Hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of Help Me See. 39 00:03:07,267.23456009 --> 00:03:13,757.23456009 Today I'm coming to you from my kitchen where I am making smashed potatoes for the first time. 40 00:03:13,757.23456009 --> 00:03:18,385.03377143 So you will hear the fixings of dinner in the background. 41 00:03:19,157.68807858 --> 00:03:24,647.68907858 the thing I want to talk about today, I had actually wrote about. 42 00:03:24,833.4419057 --> 00:03:27,521.92072202 I took a few days and I was writing. 43 00:03:28,84.5426958 --> 00:03:35,754.5426958 And then I decided, oh, maybe I'll just read the writing, maybe that will be my podcast episode. 44 00:03:35,764.5426958 --> 00:03:37,114.5426958 I'll just read my writing. 45 00:03:40,224.5426958 --> 00:03:44,254.5426958 And then I tried that, and then I felt like a robot. 46 00:03:44,324.5426958 --> 00:03:52,384.5436958 So, I will redundantly speak what I've already written to you. 47 00:03:52,784.5436958 --> 00:04:14,185.23776726 And if you're interested in reading, The original form of this head to the sub stack, which would be great too, because there's also the picture element the pictures that I chose to pair with this piece of writing are pictures that I took of my kids and partner playing in the snow with the flash that drives me crazy. 48 00:04:14,185.23776726 --> 00:04:19,705.23776726 I love the use of flash and also it drives me nuts as I'm using it at the same time. 49 00:04:20,345.23776726 --> 00:04:22,985.23776726 But it was perfect for what this conversation is about. 50 00:04:23,75.23776726 --> 00:04:30,985.23776726 And this conversation is about the fact that I have felt like photography has betrayed me. 51 00:04:32,845.23776726 --> 00:04:33,715.23776726 Yes. 52 00:04:34,125.23676726 --> 00:04:38,95.23776726 Yes, I do feel like photography has betrayed me. 53 00:04:38,845.23776726 --> 00:04:59,511.36021624 And I feel like that because it has kept me outside under the facade of going inside in my life and in my emotional processing. 54 00:05:00,306.36021624 --> 00:05:03,916.36021624 Of my life, and I knew better. 55 00:05:04,876.36021624 --> 00:05:38,728.14126159 Let me just say, I know better than that, like a year, maybe two years ago, I wrote a post about the dangers of a photograph and how it creates an illusion that you're inside of your life instead of The reality oftentimes of just witnessing it outside and while that's not exactly what has been going on here it's definitely a similar conversation. 56 00:05:40,708.14226159 --> 00:05:45,318.14226159 So photography has given me an out under the facade of going in. 57 00:05:46,918.14226159 --> 00:05:56,128.14226159 It's become like this huge, overflowing, emotional to do list that's too long for me to ever quite conquer. 58 00:05:56,178.14226159 --> 00:05:59,228.14126159 I don't know about you, but I am a list maker. 59 00:05:59,718.14226159 --> 00:06:04,278.14226159 I make a ton of lists, to do, want to do, all types of lists. 60 00:06:04,553.14226159 --> 00:06:20,933.14226159 Grocery lists, um, items for the house, things I want to accomplish, things I'd like to get done today, things that I want to get done in my lifetime, project ideas, everything, just the relief I want to get it out of my head, onto the page. 61 00:06:21,803.14226159 --> 00:06:32,693.14326159 Gives me this false sense of security, this fake accountability, that's so fake, because 99 percent of the time, I just go ahead and lose the list itself. 62 00:06:34,843.14326159 --> 00:06:41,883.14326159 And these pictures that I take are like folding the page of a book. 63 00:06:43,83.14326159 --> 00:06:45,33.14326159 It's like, okay, yes, this. 64 00:06:45,443.14326159 --> 00:06:46,663.14326159 I will revisit this. 65 00:06:46,733.14326159 --> 00:06:47,223.14326159 Yes. 66 00:06:47,273.14326159 --> 00:06:48,343.14326159 I must revisit this. 67 00:06:48,363.14326159 --> 00:06:50,193.14326159 This is so important. 68 00:06:50,233.14326159 --> 00:06:51,343.14326159 I must revisit this. 69 00:06:51,953.14326159 --> 00:06:55,263.14226159 Uh, with this knowing that I must revisit for processing later. 70 00:06:55,313.14226159 --> 00:06:55,933.14326159 I must. 71 00:06:56,463.14326159 --> 00:07:23,353.14426159 And, um, I was talking to a friend, uh, and in response to this conundrum, me, oh my gosh, manically trying to describe this phenomenon, she said, well, can't that moment just be enough? Like the this, the thisness of this moment and why you photographed it, can't it be whole on its own without feeling like there is a further emotional processing that needed to happen? And in that moment, it felt like. 72 00:07:25,243.14426159 --> 00:07:26,563.14426159 Like a breath of fresh air. 73 00:07:26,573.14426159 --> 00:07:46,717.72476045 It felt like this, this vibrant possibility of like, maybe it can, maybe I'm just overlooking them And then I had this just very matter of fact visceral, like, no, it ain't it. 74 00:07:48,167.72476045 --> 00:07:48,837.72476045 It ain't it. 75 00:07:49,637.72476045 --> 00:07:56,57.72476045 The fact is, yes, the stupid annoying fact is, yes, that it can be so. 76 00:07:56,637.72476045 --> 00:08:13,387.72476045 And it is so, oftentimes, for me, when I'm, you know, in a moment of joy or something that's like very pure and clear and kind of singular in, in the feeling capacity in my emotional landscape. 77 00:08:13,917.72476045 --> 00:08:26,72.72476045 But it's the moments that feel complicated and Different and, um, a little heavy and mixed and those are the ones that I feel like I, I can't right now. 78 00:08:26,932.72476045 --> 00:08:27,402.72476045 Later. 79 00:08:27,962.72476045 --> 00:08:28,402.72476045 Later. 80 00:08:28,432.72476045 --> 00:08:28,912.72476045 Later. 81 00:08:33,412.72476045 --> 00:08:34,422.72476045 I'll come back later. 82 00:08:34,532.72476045 --> 00:08:37,782.72476045 I'll sit with this photograph, this feeling, later. 83 00:08:38,372.72476045 --> 00:08:45,612.62476045 Repeat that about a bajillion times and now we got a bit of a fucking problem, okay? Like, I'm backlogged. 84 00:08:45,692.82476045 --> 00:08:46,86.02476045 I'm backlogged. 85 00:08:46,86.02476045 --> 00:08:48,82.72476045 I'm backlogged. 86 00:08:49,942.72476045 --> 00:08:52,152.72476045 But of course, this is not photography's fault. 87 00:08:52,162.72476045 --> 00:08:54,632.72476045 It is my own emotional acrobatics. 88 00:08:57,782.72476045 --> 00:09:01,2.72476045 It's very easy to go through the motions. 89 00:09:01,2.72476045 --> 00:09:09,182.72476045 It's very easy to resist and avoid in the mask of productivity, and even deep creativity. 90 00:09:09,182.82476045 --> 00:09:14,312.72476045 And it takes a radical honesty to acknowledge that this is happening. 91 00:09:16,72.72476045 --> 00:09:17,622.72476045 Because you have the photographs. 92 00:09:17,772.72476045 --> 00:09:24,662.72476045 It's like, but look! Photographs! Proof! Look, I'm here! I'm this is This is I'm I'm feeling. 93 00:09:25,522.72476045 --> 00:09:26,122.72476045 No. 94 00:09:27,482.72476045 --> 00:09:31,362.72376045 I actually reject the notion that photographs are inherently proof of presence. 95 00:09:32,242.72476045 --> 00:09:48,412.72476045 Because, especially in 2024, the photographs themselves, I mean, even even the most unintentional, misaligned, whatever, careless, whatever, are incredible mirrors for us. 96 00:09:50,647.72476045 --> 00:10:02,877.72476045 For our subconscious, they show us ourselves, and if we look long enough, they speak to us and tell us truths that our ego eventually cannot deny. 97 00:10:10,287.72476045 --> 00:10:14,297.72376045 But the photograph itself isn't proof of an emotional state. 98 00:10:14,307.72476045 --> 00:10:16,787.72476045 It's not proof of how deeply we were in a moment. 99 00:10:17,467.72476045 --> 00:10:18,577.72376045 That's an internal range. 100 00:10:18,577.72376045 --> 00:10:20,997.72376045 That's a personal experience. 101 00:10:21,27.72376045 --> 00:10:25,357.72376045 That is a responsibility unique to every moment and unique to every person. 102 00:10:26,897.72376045 --> 00:10:28,437.72376045 And unique to the situation. 103 00:10:29,797.72476045 --> 00:10:34,227.72476045 And the time of day in life of, of everything. 104 00:10:37,627.72476045 --> 00:10:45,477.72376045 No, I, my first ever course that I made manifest your memories, like is all, it's like the foundation of my heart. 105 00:10:46,107.72476045 --> 00:10:48,317.72476045 That course, the very first thing I ever did. 106 00:10:48,327.72476045 --> 00:10:54,817.72476045 And I'm actually right now in the process of updating it and converting it over to Substack instead of on a separate platform. 107 00:10:55,247.72476045 --> 00:11:00,7.72476045 Um, so more to come on that soon, but that course is. 108 00:11:00,497.72476045 --> 00:11:08,427.72476045 Deeply and passionately for the everyday person to be able to live into their lives more through the act of photo taking. 109 00:11:09,27.72476045 --> 00:11:10,597.72376045 It's emotional excavation. 110 00:11:10,597.72476045 --> 00:11:14,277.72476045 It's deep seeing and harnessing that vision for living life now. 111 00:11:14,817.72376045 --> 00:11:15,877.72476045 That's the core of the work. 112 00:11:15,957.72476045 --> 00:11:16,557.72476045 Now. 113 00:11:16,767.72376045 --> 00:11:17,557.72376045 Now, now. 114 00:11:19,787.72476045 --> 00:11:21,197.72376045 Manifest your memories. 115 00:11:21,197.72476045 --> 00:11:28,877.72476045 Like, that active, uh, not passive, that active, manifest, manifest. 116 00:11:29,242.72476045 --> 00:11:37,212.72476045 A memory that we're typically used to thinking of something that happened far, you know, long ago, like, it's the thing that's happening now. 117 00:11:40,202.72376045 --> 00:11:42,742.72376045 And lately, it just feels like I've vacated the premises. 118 00:11:43,927.72476045 --> 00:11:48,377.72476045 Like, a purposeful choosing of not entering a moment while I'm photographing it. 119 00:11:50,697.72476045 --> 00:11:56,57.72476045 An actual desire to stay on the surface because I do not have the energy to go below. 120 00:11:57,587.72476045 --> 00:12:01,907.72476045 And I've gotten pretty good at this, but there's only so long we can avoid ourselves. 121 00:12:05,127.72476045 --> 00:12:14,677.72376045 The photographic act is swarming with overwhelming magnitude, utility, and all your personal shit. 122 00:12:18,797.72376045 --> 00:12:28,997.72476045 My newfound mastery of staying in this practice whilst avoiding myself has made me want to switch mediums. 123 00:12:36,217.72476045 --> 00:12:42,597.72476045 I've just become disenchanted for XYZ reasons. 124 00:12:45,307.72476045 --> 00:12:58,7.72376045 I have felt lately so friggin tired and, you know, I'm kinda not someone that is able to roll with the season in that way. 125 00:12:58,517.72476045 --> 00:13:08,287.72376045 I'm someone that has to create this grand narrative around it because it makes me uncomfortable to lose any ounce of my life. 126 00:13:09,402.72376045 --> 00:13:16,392.72376045 Passion or inspiration or creative energy in an area. 127 00:13:18,612.72376045 --> 00:13:23,422.72376045 I either put nowhere near enough olive oil or way too much. 128 00:13:23,422.72376045 --> 00:13:24,322.72376045 There's no in between. 129 00:13:24,492.72376045 --> 00:13:26,692.72376045 I don't know. 130 00:13:28,312.72376045 --> 00:13:34,782.72276045 Isn't that exactly what I'm talking about what I do in life anyway? Um, oh. 131 00:13:38,232.72276045 --> 00:13:42,622.72276045 Parsley just completely dumped all over these potatoes. 132 00:13:42,622.82276045 --> 00:13:48,742.62376045 Okay. 133 00:13:50,482.82376045 --> 00:13:59,272.72376045 So, I know better. 134 00:13:59,942.72376045 --> 00:14:06,194.01627746 I know the photograph, I know the medium, the photography has not betrayed me. 135 00:14:06,444.01627746 --> 00:14:07,14.01527746 It's me. 136 00:14:08,184.01627746 --> 00:14:09,44.01627746 I know it's me. 137 00:14:09,114.01627746 --> 00:14:12,246.28285116 Just like it's not about these beautiful pitbulls. 138 00:14:12,706.28285116 --> 00:14:14,116.28285116 It's about the owners. 139 00:14:14,116.38285116 --> 00:14:16,976.28285116 I have a pitbull boxer. 140 00:14:23,976.28285116 --> 00:14:25,786.28285116 I just need a backtrack for a 2nd. 141 00:14:26,606.48285116 --> 00:14:32,626.48185116 Back to seasonality, though, of course, the standard mix of life, and especially being a mom, raising 2 little boys. 142 00:14:34,976.48285116 --> 00:14:58,996.48185116 Can play a serious role in, in the conversation we're having, but underneath the low hanging fruit of excuses like that, those of which magically disappear whenever I really want them to, hint, hint, right? It's like feeling like you have to juggle a katrillion things, but all of a sudden, if you're actually sick, everything gets wiped off the schedule. 143 00:14:58,996.48185116 --> 00:15:05,26.48285116 It's weird, right? Like all of a sudden, all of those commitments get to go away. 144 00:15:05,26.48285116 --> 00:15:05,66.48285116 Okay. 145 00:15:05,561.48285116 --> 00:15:10,691.48285116 Because you don't want to get someone else sick or you literally physically cannot. 146 00:15:12,801.48285116 --> 00:15:18,421.48285116 We always, always, always make time for what we actually really, really want to do. 147 00:15:18,761.48285116 --> 00:15:22,501.48285116 And I think that's hard to hear and that's hard to face and that's hard to look in the eye. 148 00:15:25,381.48285116 --> 00:15:29,201.48185116 So with that knowing, I'm left with something I always knew. 149 00:15:30,231.48185116 --> 00:15:30,811.48185116 shocker. 150 00:15:35,401.48185116 --> 00:15:46,851.48285116 Sit with one foot Photograph one, it barely even matters which one and it will tell you everything you need to know. 151 00:15:50,781.48285116 --> 00:15:56,511.48285116 So I did a workshop with Alec Soth earlier in the year and it still feels completely unreal for me to say that. 152 00:15:57,911.48285116 --> 00:16:12,56.01799855 And during that workshop, we were fortunate enough to have some One on one critique time with some visiting guests and one of which is a gentleman named Vince Leo. 153 00:16:12,56.01799855 --> 00:16:16,606.01699855 And he was absolutely a gem of a human being. 154 00:16:16,626.01799855 --> 00:16:23,716.01799855 You know, I typically do not seek out or want in any capacity. 155 00:16:24,61.01799855 --> 00:16:52,261.0189985 Um, a critique, and it's not just because I'm scared of them, although, yes, I am very tender and, um, would not go unfazed by a situation like that, but more so because I just have a, a general suspicion for them, because it, I've heard so many stories about how it's either trivial and, you know, Irrelevant or leans over to deeply and painfully damaging to a person. 156 00:16:52,301.0189985 --> 00:17:01,251.0189985 And, um, you know, I've, I've heard stories that will smolder rage in me until I die. 157 00:17:04,151.0189985 --> 00:17:08,301.0189985 For people that I'm not even close with, just like these horror stories from critiques. 158 00:17:08,301.0189985 --> 00:17:13,261.0189985 And anyway, that's a whole nother soapbox and can of worms that I don't want to go into right now. 159 00:17:13,321.0189985 --> 00:17:13,651.0189985 But. 160 00:17:14,686.0189985 --> 00:17:16,806.0189985 This was not that, this was not that experience. 161 00:17:17,426.0189985 --> 00:17:24,686.0189985 Uh, I show up to this critique with a shit ton of photographs of my family projects. 162 00:17:24,736.0189985 --> 00:17:26,506.0189985 I don't even know what I want out of this critique. 163 00:17:26,536.0189985 --> 00:17:30,136.0189985 I don't even know what question I have. 164 00:17:30,166.0189985 --> 00:17:31,616.0189985 I don't, I just am there. 165 00:17:31,826.0179985 --> 00:17:37,196.0189985 This is just like a benefits of going to this workshop and okay, so I'm there. 166 00:17:39,326.0189985 --> 00:17:42,956.0189985 And he's quietly sitting there looking at all the pictures. 167 00:17:42,996.0189985 --> 00:17:47,256.0189985 I mean, I had a goal to narrow them down, and I actually even added more. 168 00:17:47,266.0189985 --> 00:17:49,706.0189985 I am like a maximalist when it comes to pictures. 169 00:17:50,176.0189985 --> 00:17:53,896.0179985 Uh, just this firehose feeling of more, more, more. 170 00:17:54,216.0189985 --> 00:17:59,506.0189985 Even though I know less is more, but I just can't help myself, and I won't help myself with that. 171 00:18:00,881.0189985 --> 00:18:01,331.0189985 I don't know. 172 00:18:01,361.0189985 --> 00:18:09,721.0189985 Just give me all the Jim Goldberg collages of a million different photographs and let me drink it in and register it as its own thing. 173 00:18:09,891.0189985 --> 00:18:10,311.0189985 I don't know. 174 00:18:10,461.0189985 --> 00:18:11,381.0179985 That's where I'm at with that. 175 00:18:11,401.0179985 --> 00:18:18,391.0189985 But he's sitting there, um, quiet and curious and warm. 176 00:18:18,571.0189985 --> 00:18:25,931.0189985 And he told me to sit with one, sit with one image. 177 00:18:25,931.1189985 --> 00:18:30,41.0189985 And I burst out crying. 178 00:18:30,701.0189985 --> 00:18:34,371.0189985 Like I, I mean like crying, like I need a tissue crying. 179 00:18:35,396.0189985 --> 00:18:41,936.0189985 And it came out like I, like it was just hanging right beneath the surface the whole time, ready to spew. 180 00:18:42,486.0189985 --> 00:18:45,246.0189985 I had no, I like choked it out of me. 181 00:18:45,546.0189985 --> 00:18:48,196.0189985 I had no reason to believe I was about to cry. 182 00:18:49,346.0189985 --> 00:18:51,6.0189985 And it was immediate. 183 00:18:52,346.0179985 --> 00:18:53,296.0189985 Tears are truth. 184 00:18:54,896.0189985 --> 00:18:56,106.0179985 Tears are truth. 185 00:19:00,126.0199985 --> 00:19:00,936.0189985 He was right. 186 00:19:02,366.0189985 --> 00:19:04,16.0189985 He was so right. 187 00:19:04,136.0189985 --> 00:19:23,146.0189985 When do I feel clarity? My monthly Nostalgia Now templates, the photographic journaling that I do every month, where I look at a shit ton of photographs from my month, and I only pick three to five. 188 00:19:24,176.0189985 --> 00:19:29,716.0189985 Then I burrow into those via the prompts and journaling, and that's when the dots are connected. 189 00:19:30,626.0189985 --> 00:19:37,306.0189985 That's when the connections feel integrated instead of purely subconscious or briefly seen. 190 00:19:37,716.0189985 --> 00:19:43,926.0189985 Briefly, like the amount of time a shutter takes to open and close. 191 00:19:46,416.0189985 --> 00:19:47,986.0189985 But I only do that ritual once a month. 192 00:19:48,346.0189985 --> 00:19:53,296.0189985 And it's mostly with the more casual cell phone photos of my life. 193 00:19:56,766.0189985 --> 00:20:02,36.0189985 Vince's wise words are still with me, and I have, for the most part, avoided them. 194 00:20:03,526.0189985 --> 00:20:09,346.0179985 Probably because the few times I did it and I sat with a picture for a long time, I cried and felt too overwhelmed. 195 00:20:12,546.0179985 --> 00:20:19,351.0189985 What is on the other side of sitting with a picture? I made for 10 fucking minutes. 196 00:20:20,761.0189985 --> 00:20:29,411.0189985 Wow, isn't it so interesting? What will I do? Instead of just doing that. 197 00:20:30,781.0189985 --> 00:20:33,481.0189985 How long has it been? It's been months. 198 00:20:33,961.0189985 --> 00:20:47,291.0189985 Why do I act like I don't have the time? Why must I look away? Probably the same reason that I have this resistance to morning pages journaling. 199 00:20:47,291.1189985 --> 00:20:53,611.0179985 It's like, uh, what is this for me? I just want to get to writing what I want to write about instead of just my stream of consciousness. 200 00:20:53,611.0189985 --> 00:20:59,969.963443 It's like, was there anything more important than clearing that stream of consciousness? That is what I'm doing with the photographs. 201 00:20:59,969.963443 --> 00:21:02,876.4967763 Oh my God, it's so hypocritical. 202 00:21:02,876.4967763 --> 00:21:03,901.0189985 Oh my gosh. 203 00:21:03,901.0189985 --> 00:21:12,921.0189985 So yesterday, yesterday, I started a new ritual for exactly this and I call it One Picture and it is now going to be its own section in my substack. 204 00:21:13,41.0179985 --> 00:21:13,821.0189985 One Picture. 205 00:21:16,21.0189985 --> 00:21:23,761.0179985 With this I choose one of my photographs and I sit with it for an uncomfortable amount of time and then let myself write whatever curls out of me. 206 00:21:25,111.0189985 --> 00:21:31,341.0189985 Prose, poetry, free writing, nonsensical, redundant, whatever, I don't give a fuck, I just let it come out. 207 00:21:33,306.0189985 --> 00:21:41,426.0189985 And when I did this, it felt like exhaling a breath I knew I was holding. 208 00:21:48,306.0189985 --> 00:21:56,356.0189985 Like, have you ever played that game in the car where you hold your breath until you pass the cemetery? It's like that. 209 00:22:00,16.0179985 --> 00:22:01,256.0179985 Here comes the cemetery. 210 00:22:01,366.0189985 --> 00:22:02,306.0189985 Here comes the picture. 211 00:22:04,156.0189985 --> 00:22:04,566.0179985 It's here. 212 00:22:04,566.0189985 --> 00:22:04,876.0184985 Okay. 213 00:22:04,876.0184985 --> 00:22:05,436.0189985 Deep inhale. 214 00:22:07,616.0179985 --> 00:22:07,906.0179985 Okay. 215 00:22:07,906.0189985 --> 00:22:08,236.0179985 It's here. 216 00:22:08,236.0189985 --> 00:22:09,435.9179985 Sit with it. 217 00:22:11,316.0179985 --> 00:22:18,546.0189985 Holding your breath until it passes, holding my feelings until I let myself see it. 218 00:22:20,586.0189985 --> 00:22:21,346.0179985 I got this. 219 00:22:21,606.0189985 --> 00:22:22,576.0189985 It's not so hard. 220 00:22:23,576.0189985 --> 00:22:24,946.0189985 Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get the gist. 221 00:22:24,946.0189985 --> 00:22:25,886.0189985 I know why I took this. 222 00:22:25,886.0189985 --> 00:22:26,376.0189985 I see it. 223 00:22:26,376.0189985 --> 00:22:26,916.0189985 I feel it. 224 00:22:27,196.0189985 --> 00:22:27,646.0189985 Yes. 225 00:22:29,296.0189985 --> 00:22:30,806.0189985 This is getting hard. 226 00:22:31,556.0189985 --> 00:22:32,816.0189985 I need air. 227 00:22:34,356.0189985 --> 00:22:36,426.0189985 This image is starting to feel fleshy. 228 00:22:36,926.0179985 --> 00:22:43,876.0179985 I'm starting to see four million other pictures and moments of my life in this picture. 229 00:22:45,936.0179985 --> 00:22:46,926.0189985 Okay, this hurts. 230 00:22:47,636.0189985 --> 00:22:53,326.0189985 Holding this breath in for this long actually actively hurts. 231 00:22:56,106.0189985 --> 00:23:01,876.0189985 Words demand their birth in response to listening to this image. 232 00:23:04,456.0189985 --> 00:23:05,286.0189985 It's past. 233 00:23:05,296.0189985 --> 00:23:09,716.0179985 I can let this stale air out and breathe again. 234 00:23:11,306.0189985 --> 00:23:14,206.0189985 I didn't even have to hold it in in the first place. 235 00:23:15,976.0189985 --> 00:23:18,26.0189985 The feeling stops looming. 236 00:23:18,946.0189985 --> 00:23:21,636.0189985 It can rest in its felt acknowledgement. 237 00:23:23,466.0189985 --> 00:23:26,856.0189985 And avoidance only prolonged the haunting. 238 00:23:30,631.0189985 --> 00:23:58,451.0189985 I think a lot of the issue here is in the limbo, it's in the incomplete expressions, the incomplete processing, the incomplete feeling, the incomplete life, and of course there are never neat and tidy, perfect, complete endings, nothing ever really really really really really feels finished, for the most part, but we know when we feel satiated and when we do not. 239 00:24:03,271.0189985 --> 00:24:10,941.0189985 I never want to stop taking pictures, but, and. 240 00:24:12,401.0189985 --> 00:24:16,331.0189985 I don't want to be beholden to an outdated version of my own truth. 241 00:24:25,991.0189985 --> 00:24:31,781.0179985 Does putting my finger on this cure the discontent that's been eating at me? I'm not sure. 242 00:24:33,411.0179985 --> 00:24:36,571.0179985 But I am sure that my commitment keeps me curious. 243 00:24:38,196.0189985 --> 00:24:44,546.0189985 The tools are the most minor details when you have something that you must create in order to breathe. 244 00:24:44,786.0189985 --> 00:24:56,146.0189985 The pictures that are on the post for this episode are pictures I took while it was Bellowing snow. 245 00:24:57,656.0189985 --> 00:25:00,426.0189985 I was in the house. 246 00:25:01,596.0189985 --> 00:25:07,566.0189985 Ben had played the good daddy role of going outside, even though he definitely didn't want to, to make a snowman. 247 00:25:08,606.0189985 --> 00:25:12,436.0189985 And, uh, I was staying inside to make hot chocolate. 248 00:25:12,666.0179985 --> 00:25:22,906.0189985 And it was less because I was wanting to be a good mommy and more because I was like, look that I do not want to go out in the snow. 249 00:25:24,996.0189985 --> 00:25:31,596.0189985 And, um, I was inside. 250 00:25:33,376.0189985 --> 00:25:43,406.0189985 And I kept looking out there because they were being very cute and very sweet and it was already dark because it gets dark at like noon these days. 251 00:25:45,266.0179985 --> 00:25:53,606.0179985 And I couldn't look away from the scene. 252 00:25:54,796.0179985 --> 00:25:57,826.0189985 Like I was completely magnetized to it. 253 00:25:57,836.0189985 --> 00:26:02,296.0189985 Just like my overhead, um, blood lamp light. 254 00:26:03,746.0189985 --> 00:26:13,986.0179985 Barely illuminated them because they were so far back, but it made all of the snow glow bright in front of them. 255 00:26:14,806.0189985 --> 00:26:19,576.0179985 And so I had to walk really close to it to even get the chance to glimpse them. 256 00:26:21,56.0189985 --> 00:26:34,916.0189985 And for the first time in a long time, I, against my low energy meh ness, went to get my camera. 257 00:26:34,986.0189985 --> 00:26:36,386.0189985 Because I had to photograph it. 258 00:26:36,566.0189985 --> 00:26:37,266.0189985 I just had to. 259 00:26:38,576.0189985 --> 00:27:00,236.0179985 And had to, not in the sense of like, I felt obligated and I should because it's cute and what, but had to in that primal, I am being drawn in this impassioned way to be in this, with this, make something of this, a compulsion. 260 00:27:03,391.0189985 --> 00:27:06,691.0189985 And it was a pain in the ass and it was fucking cold and uncomfortable. 261 00:27:06,691.0189985 --> 00:27:14,181.0189985 And I'm pretty sure I damaged my camera because I've since done a shoot, um, a random shoot that I wasn't, that wasn't, whatever. 262 00:27:14,181.0189985 --> 00:27:15,121.0189985 It doesn't matter anyway. 263 00:27:15,481.0179985 --> 00:27:29,591.0189985 Um, and now there's something on all the images and I don't know what's wrong with whatever, anyway, the point is, Oh, it felt refreshing. 264 00:27:31,881.0189985 --> 00:27:34,941.0189985 To have that feeling again. 265 00:27:37,571.0189985 --> 00:27:54,996.0189985 It felt refreshing to be Frustrated with my camera flash that I rarely ever use Because it doesn't jive with my heavy trigger finger when it comes to It's making pictures. 266 00:27:54,996.0189985 --> 00:28:06,326.0189985 The recycle speed is just trash, but it also invites this element of like helplessness for me that I'm masochistically drawn to. 267 00:28:07,866.0189985 --> 00:28:52,905.5541459 It's like, what will it let me have? What moment will it let me have? What art will it let me make? And what will I see in that? And how is that going to be perfect? It's like freshly falling in love and then being Deeply in love and then monotonously being inside of love, the spinning out of control whirlwind, the safe, content, cozy place to land, and the profound, enduring commitment mixed with mundane ignorance of feeling like you know all there is to know. 268 00:28:56,925.5541459 --> 00:29:02,105.5541459 In my eyes, the point of this medium is to be here now. 269 00:29:04,445.5541459 --> 00:29:05,345.5541459 I am human. 270 00:29:05,695.5541459 --> 00:29:10,325.5541459 And I am tired, and I am admittedly slightly jaded and frustrated. 271 00:29:12,405.5541459 --> 00:29:14,55.5541459 Photography hasn't betrayed me. 272 00:29:15,25.5541459 --> 00:29:18,965.5541459 I betrayed myself, and I knew I was. 273 00:29:19,855.5541459 --> 00:29:20,985.5531459 And it's okay. 274 00:29:33,825.5541459 --> 00:29:39,385.5536459 We don't need to burrow into every emotional nook and Cranny of our lives. 275 00:29:40,285.5536459 --> 00:29:47,700.4536459 But we need to be tethered to ourselves, close enough to know you're home. 276 00:29:48,860.5536459 --> 00:29:53,440.5536459 When it's becoming a problem, and it was becoming a problem for me. 277 00:29:56,140.5536459 --> 00:29:57,430.5536459 No, it's never the tool. 278 00:29:57,490.5536459 --> 00:29:59,680.5536459 It's never, it's never the problem. 279 00:30:00,520.5536459 --> 00:30:02,240.5536459 It's never the thing you're looking at. 280 00:30:02,590.5526459 --> 00:30:04,990.5536459 It's the refusal to look something in the eye. 281 00:30:05,820.5526459 --> 00:30:07,600.5536459 It's in the looking away. 282 00:30:08,790.5536459 --> 00:30:10,890.5526459 It's looking everywhere but here. 283 00:30:13,20.5536459 --> 00:30:19,550.5536459 And in my case, it's looking everywhere but here for more than 1 250th of a second. 284 00:30:26,490.5536459 --> 00:31:42,680.616146 So I ask you, I ask you with deep love and care, I desperately ask you, what are you pretending not to know? What are you pretending not to know? Every ounce of power is all inside of us and we can be tired and we can even be jaded, but when we have the energy to be radically Honest with ourselves. 285 00:31:46,410.616146 --> 00:31:48,390.616146 We know what we have to look in the eye. 286 00:31:55,130.616146 --> 00:31:55,610.616146 I love you. 287 00:31:56,140.616146 --> 00:31:56,790.616146 See you next week. 288 00:31:58,681.2203126 --> 00:32:01,901.2203126 This has been an Awkward Sage Production.
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