I felt nothing.

i started baking bread. most might not find that cause for concern- but for me, it’s alarming.

1/3 life crisis? (too old for 1/4, too young for mid) i’m feeling a little refreshingly lost. lost in a way that feels more like freedom than panic.

I had a major shift in my headspace after my recent trip to Europe. I'm ready to talk about it. subscribe for free visual podcast episodes

Episode Transcript

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another disclaimer, I am very appreciative. 2 00:00:05,425.0010000001 --> 00:00:07,115.0010000001 Of the opportunity. 3 00:00:07,465.001 --> 00:00:09,65.0010000002 Truly, truly am. 4 00:00:09,125.0010000001 --> 00:00:10,75.001 I'm not taking away from this. 5 00:00:10,85.001 --> 00:00:13,555.001 It was a beautiful, uh, gathering of people. 6 00:00:13,565.001 --> 00:00:15,95.001 It was a gorgeous space. 7 00:00:15,395.001 --> 00:00:17,95.001 Um, huge turnout. 8 00:00:18,851.157603774 --> 00:00:19,171.157603774 and. 9 00:00:21,41.157603774 --> 00:00:27,467.546283019 When I walked in to my show in Paris, I felt nothing. 10 00:00:29,807.546283019 --> 00:00:30,807.546283019 I felt nothing. 11 00:00:32,749.244396226 --> 00:00:34,389.244396226 No thing did I feel. 12 00:00:37,858.326746599 --> 00:00:44,548.326746599 what the fuck? Like nothing matters unless you love it. 13 00:00:47,313.326746599 --> 00:01:01,93.326746599 It matters at all, unless you love it, unless it makes goosebumps rise up in your whole body. 14 00:01:03,773.695215153 --> 00:01:06,793.695215153 Hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of Help Me See. 15 00:01:09,833.695215153 --> 00:01:10,863.695215153 Settle in. 16 00:01:13,603.695215153 --> 00:01:14,403.695215153 Settle in. 17 00:01:18,875.724764847 --> 00:01:26,175.723764847 If you are around your children, press pause. 18 00:01:26,435.723764847 --> 00:01:31,275.724764847 I just feel like there's going to be more cursing than usual, so revisit it another time. 19 00:01:39,890.474758919 --> 00:01:41,780.47475892 So, I've started baking bread. 20 00:01:42,740.47475892 --> 00:01:53,990.47475892 And while some of you won't see this as any cause for concern, I see this as a major fucking cause for concern. 21 00:01:57,140.47475892 --> 00:02:16,995.47475892 I, I don't, um, am I going through a, a third life crisis? Not a third, like a third time, but like a third, um, this is enough to send me into another spiral because I feel like I'm too old to say quarter life crisis, but too young to say midlife crisis. 22 00:02:17,545.47475892 --> 00:02:32,25.47475892 So is this a third life crisis? Um, gives me that same panic feeling as when I'm filling something out for anything and it's asking me my age and now I'm in another bracket. 23 00:02:32,405.47475892 --> 00:02:35,403.22816212 Like I'm in the, another grouping that's further along. 24 00:02:35,445.15733386 --> 00:02:36,425.15733386 It really freaks me out. 25 00:02:42,275.15733386 --> 00:02:42,525.15733386 Yeah. 26 00:02:42,525.15733386 --> 00:02:53,685.15733386 So I started making bread and it's pretty good and, uh, it's still not the way I want it, but we'll get there. 27 00:03:00,335.15733386 --> 00:03:02,55.15733386 My life's about to have a major shift. 28 00:03:02,105.15733386 --> 00:03:02,925.15733386 I. 29 00:03:03,900.15733386 --> 00:03:05,950.15733386 Uh, accepted a part time job somewhere. 30 00:03:05,970.15733386 --> 00:03:11,100.15733386 I don't know when that will start, probably in the next few weeks. 31 00:03:11,740.15733386 --> 00:03:18,180.15733386 And I have a feeling that it's going to be a good change. 32 00:03:18,590.15733386 --> 00:03:25,810.15733386 I, ever since my kids started going to school, so my older one went back, but my youngest has never been before. 33 00:03:26,530.15733386 --> 00:03:39,530.15733386 So I went from having like no time at all to having apparently too much time because In the past, 20 minutes of alone time would feel like three hours. 34 00:03:39,620.15733386 --> 00:03:42,670.15733386 It was just heaven and like, Oh my gosh. 35 00:03:43,160.15733386 --> 00:03:51,740.15733386 And now I have five hours and still shit doesn't get done. 36 00:03:52,240.15733386 --> 00:04:08,880.15733386 And I don't understand like what, what is happening? What is happening? I haven't, I haven't even been able to create in my normal flow. 37 00:04:09,915.15733386 --> 00:04:32,655.15733386 Since getting back from my trip to Europe that I took a couple weeks ago and I mean, of course, it's been a combination of this time of year, the holiday, my kids being home more now my Partner, uh, went on a trip and there's a total snow storm. 38 00:04:32,655.15733386 --> 00:04:44,155.15733386 So I shoveled my first driveway of my life and ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, insanity, insanity, I'm like shoveling the driveway. 39 00:04:44,165.15633386 --> 00:04:45,355.15733386 It's so heavy. 40 00:04:45,495.15733386 --> 00:04:46,415.15733386 I've never done this before. 41 00:04:46,415.15733386 --> 00:04:47,715.15633386 I grew up, grew up in Florida. 42 00:04:48,135.15633386 --> 00:04:53,325.15633386 Um, I have my older one screaming, crying at me that he's hungry, even though I've been cooking for him all day. 43 00:04:53,605.15633386 --> 00:04:55,635.15633386 My younger one is running around in the snow. 44 00:04:55,635.15633386 --> 00:04:57,415.15633386 I'm trying to stop him from running into the street. 45 00:05:00,565.15533386 --> 00:05:01,255.15633386 I'm sorry. 46 00:05:01,400.15733386 --> 00:05:03,130.15733386 I, I can't. 47 00:05:04,210.15733386 --> 00:05:05,500.15733386 I just have to say it. 48 00:05:05,500.25733386 --> 00:05:08,970.15733386 I just have to get it out of me so I can exhale. 49 00:05:09,580.15733386 --> 00:05:17,40.15633386 But I know I travel a lot and I know my partner is home a lot with the boys one on one, but it is not the same. 50 00:05:17,260.15733386 --> 00:05:27,550.15733386 The mayhem that ensues like emotionally, uh, physically, logistically when it's just me and the boys, it doesn't compare. 51 00:05:27,670.15733386 --> 00:05:28,420.15733386 It just doesn't. 52 00:05:28,460.15733386 --> 00:05:30,785.15733386 They're, they're, it's different. 53 00:05:30,805.15733386 --> 00:05:34,85.15733386 And if you're a mom, I know you get it. 54 00:05:34,185.15733386 --> 00:05:34,435.15733386 I know. 55 00:05:34,565.15733386 --> 00:05:38,545.15733386 And if you don't, if you're saying, no, that's not the case for me, please. 56 00:05:38,905.15733386 --> 00:05:48,705.15733386 I want to hear, I want to hear about your life and how you've maneuvered it in this way or how your magic, whatever it is. 57 00:05:49,285.15633386 --> 00:05:55,345.15733386 Um, anyway, so my kids are back in school after being. 58 00:05:55,595.15733386 --> 00:06:03,635.15733386 Uh, home for longer than they should have been for the holiday because we had a massive snowstorm and I mean, we're still getting snow. 59 00:06:03,635.15733386 --> 00:06:10,445.15733386 It's, I moved my desk into my bedroom because my view is so beautiful. 60 00:06:10,445.15733386 --> 00:06:18,295.15733386 It's like a white blanket of snow and I'd rather look at my backyard that I don't have to shovel than my driveway that I feel like I always have to shovel now. 61 00:06:21,515.15733386 --> 00:06:23,665.15733386 I've actually always wanted to put a desk in here. 62 00:06:23,745.15733386 --> 00:06:27,755.15733386 I wanted, I want a writer's desk in here because, uh, I. 63 00:06:27,875.15733386 --> 00:06:32,915.15733386 live in front of a pond and I really love looking at the water. 64 00:06:32,975.15733386 --> 00:06:35,795.15733386 It's something that's non negotiable for me, really important. 65 00:06:35,995.15733386 --> 00:06:39,535.15733386 Wherever I live, I want to see water of some kind. 66 00:06:39,995.15733386 --> 00:06:48,165.15733386 Um, and my office is in the front of the house, so I don't usually get that. 67 00:06:48,805.15633386 --> 00:06:50,970.05733386 So I'm going to fix that. 68 00:06:51,960.15733386 --> 00:06:53,390.15733386 Today has been a good test run for that. 69 00:06:55,570.15733386 --> 00:06:56,0.15733386 Okay. 70 00:06:56,480.15733386 --> 00:07:01,40.15733386 I'm ready kind of to talk about my trip to Europe. 71 00:07:07,20.15733386 --> 00:07:43,670.15733386 So just to orient you into the type of listening experience you're about to enter, this is, I don't know how inspirational or aspirational this is about to be, um, this is just deeply honest as always, but, um, I'm just I don't feel like I actually really need to preface and justify myself in my own podcast space. 72 00:07:43,670.15733386 --> 00:07:50,720.15733386 I feel like if you're here, you are, you're a sole person of mine and it is what it is. 73 00:07:51,20.15633386 --> 00:08:02,0.15633386 But I guess just to put it out there ahead of the conversation I'm about to have with you. 74 00:08:03,180.15733386 --> 00:08:03,700.15733386 I am. 75 00:08:04,245.15733386 --> 00:08:09,215.15733386 I am very deeply and eternally grateful that I got to go on this trip. 76 00:08:11,575.15733386 --> 00:08:15,195.15733386 I went on this trip with my mother who has never been out of the country. 77 00:08:15,655.15733386 --> 00:08:20,455.15733386 Um, I did a lot of things. 78 00:08:20,505.15633386 --> 00:08:22,95.15733386 I was very brave. 79 00:08:22,127.44531956 --> 00:08:22,687.44531956 I. 80 00:08:24,512.44531956 --> 00:08:33,782.44531956 Got lost in the hills of cliffs of the Tuscan landscape with my Google Maps not updating Still got us home safely. 81 00:08:34,231.04003028 --> 00:08:35,201.04003028 I'm proud of myself. 82 00:08:35,751.04103028 --> 00:08:38,31.04103028 I don't say that often and I should say that more. 83 00:08:38,991.04003028 --> 00:08:41,281.04103028 But yes, I'm proud of myself You should say that. 84 00:08:41,311.04003028 --> 00:08:56,46.04103028 Can you press pause take a deep breath right now for real You say, I'm proud of myself because there's a gajillion fucking things that you should be proud of yourself for. 85 00:08:56,596.04103028 --> 00:09:12,746.04003028 And even if you're not overtly hard on yourself or whatever, I think it's very easy to forget to give yourself a pat on the back or a hug, literally a hug across your arms. 86 00:09:12,796.04103028 --> 00:09:15,266.04103028 Do that in yoga and it feels overly emotional. 87 00:09:15,306.04103028 --> 00:09:16,556.04103028 Like, Oh, I'm hugging myself. 88 00:09:17,426.04103028 --> 00:09:23,166.04103028 Um, let yourself be proud of yourself. 89 00:09:29,926.04103028 --> 00:09:31,36.04103028 My big takeaway. 90 00:09:33,741.04103028 --> 00:09:34,951.04103028 From my trip to Europe. 91 00:09:38,881.04103028 --> 00:09:48,211.04103028 If I could sum it up in one sentence, one eloquent sentence. 92 00:09:50,161.04103028 --> 00:09:53,681.04103028 Usually I'm not concise, but I feel like I can do it. 93 00:09:53,681.04103028 --> 00:09:55,271.04103028 I can sum it up in one sentence. 94 00:09:55,891.04003028 --> 00:10:24,101.04103028 That sentence would be What the fuck are we even doing? What the fuck am I even doing? What the fuck are you? Even doing, I leave the word even in there for dramatic effect. 95 00:10:26,801.04103028 --> 00:10:26,991.04103028 No. 96 00:10:26,991.04103028 --> 00:10:27,561.04103028 What are you doing? No. 97 00:10:27,561.04103028 --> 00:10:39,551.04003028 What are you even doing right now? Let me explain. 98 00:10:44,206.04103028 --> 00:10:49,706.04103028 I am someone who has a really hard time setting goals. 99 00:10:50,612.72499255 --> 00:10:54,612.72499255 anytime I think to set a goal or I try to set a goal, it feels fake. 100 00:10:55,52.72499255 --> 00:11:15,201.65423783 It feels like I just, I know I don't actually really care about this, but it's also feels very obtuse, very, um, vague to not, and I think that I've had this blanket desire that I don't take too seriously, but has always been. 101 00:11:15,631.65423783 --> 00:11:20,221.65423783 Like in the background of my mind of like, I would like to be a gallery represented artist. 102 00:11:21,541.65423783 --> 00:11:23,231.65423783 I love art shows. 103 00:11:23,391.65423783 --> 00:11:37,651.65423783 I love the idea of, um, having like a home, like for my art and my vision and like being able to, you know, have shows or, um, have people find me and commission me through a gallery. 104 00:11:37,731.65423783 --> 00:11:44,206.55423783 I really, like, that's something that has always felt like, Oh, that would be really cool. 105 00:11:45,566.65423783 --> 00:11:46,746.65423783 That would be the goal. 106 00:11:46,756.65423783 --> 00:11:50,56.65423783 If I had to pick a goal, that's the goal, right? Ish. 107 00:11:51,346.65423783 --> 00:11:53,146.65423783 See, I even have trouble saying that sentence. 108 00:11:54,116.65423783 --> 00:12:19,225.82110322 I'm like a commitmephobe when it comes to goals, goals that aren't states of being, um, but as a very wise woman, AKA one of my coaches, Haley Carr said, making a goal, a state isn't really, isn't really a thing because you can choose to be a state. 109 00:12:19,580.82110322 --> 00:12:36,27.48776988 Now, isn't that so smart and wise? something that I went into a container with her with is like I just want to feel at peace I just want to feel peace. 110 00:12:36,297.48776988 --> 00:12:39,97.48776988 I don't know why I don't I don't know what that is. 111 00:12:39,107.48776988 --> 00:12:43,947.48776988 I don't know what it's not Well, actually, I do know what it's not But I want to feel peace. 112 00:12:44,987.48676988 --> 00:12:48,262.48776988 no matter what you are doing to try to get to peace. 113 00:12:48,792.48776988 --> 00:12:58,372.48776988 You're never going to have it unless you decide, choose, allow, receive in a million different ways. 114 00:13:01,522.48776988 --> 00:13:02,422.48776988 I'm going to pause here. 115 00:13:03,192.48676988 --> 00:13:11,252.48776988 I'm feeling really called to do a lot more pauses and to like, ask you questions because that's something that I. 116 00:13:11,697.48776988 --> 00:13:15,17.48776988 need really deeply. 117 00:13:15,17.48776988 --> 00:13:24,377.48776988 I really need that because I have a, uh, toxic trait of letting something slip off me and thinking about how I could. 118 00:13:24,877.48776988 --> 00:13:26,447.48776988 Help others with it. 119 00:13:26,547.48776988 --> 00:13:31,477.48776988 Like, Oh, this would be a great thing to insert into my nostalgia now templates in this way. 120 00:13:31,477.48776988 --> 00:13:33,497.48776988 But I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, bitch. 121 00:13:33,537.48776988 --> 00:13:40,897.48776988 Like what you integrate, put it in your mouth, chew it, swallow it. 122 00:13:41,607.48676988 --> 00:13:44,217.48676988 Um, digest that. 123 00:13:45,557.48676988 --> 00:13:51,197.48776988 So I'm gonna, I mean, if you're anything like me, this shall be helpful. 124 00:13:51,497.48776988 --> 00:13:54,767.48776988 Uh, is there. 125 00:13:56,177.48776988 --> 00:14:11,7.48776988 A goal or something that you've been putting in the distance that is actually a state of being that you could choose in this moment, regardless of circumstance. 126 00:14:11,737.48776988 --> 00:14:15,937.48776988 You could choose and you could open and you can be in right now. 127 00:14:18,587.48776988 --> 00:14:19,457.48776988 Please pause. 128 00:14:19,457.48776988 --> 00:14:27,627.48776988 Like if you ever, if you're thinking and whatever, don't just let me keep going and then let yourself off the hook and then be like, Oh, I'll go back to that later. 129 00:14:27,637.48776988 --> 00:14:30,77.48776988 Cause you won't just like I don't. 130 00:14:30,947.48676988 --> 00:14:34,217.48676988 Uh, so pause me. 131 00:14:36,977.48876988 --> 00:14:37,457.48876988 Anywho. 132 00:14:40,207.48776988 --> 00:15:00,157.48776988 So a curator reached out to me, asked me, can I, Would you be interested in exhibiting this image, um, that she found on Instagram, uh, in a show, um, in Paris on this date, I didn't answer for a couple of days because I was sure that it was a scam. 133 00:15:00,357.48776988 --> 00:15:00,497.48776988 I don't know. 134 00:15:00,657.48776988 --> 00:15:02,477.48776988 It's like, I don't know what this person's after. 135 00:15:02,477.48776988 --> 00:15:08,167.48676988 They haven't asked me for anything, but there's something fishy here. 136 00:15:08,197.48676988 --> 00:15:09,147.48776988 No, it was not a scam. 137 00:15:10,157.48776988 --> 00:15:11,347.48776988 Uh, spoiler alert. 138 00:15:12,107.48776988 --> 00:15:18,277.48776988 And I, uh, I thought it was really beautiful that. 139 00:15:19,97.48776988 --> 00:15:29,377.48776988 It was a picture, one of my pictures of my mother and there was no other way to have this trip other than to bring her with me. 140 00:15:29,387.48776988 --> 00:15:41,877.48676988 Like I just knew I wanted her to come and I thought it was beautiful that my art was going to be the thing to bring us there. 141 00:15:42,717.48776988 --> 00:15:49,467.48776988 You know, there's no other reason why we could have gone on our own, but it wasn't going to happen. 142 00:15:49,877.48776988 --> 00:15:50,997.48776988 We just weren't going to do it. 143 00:15:50,997.48776988 --> 00:15:52,387.48776988 There was no specificity there. 144 00:15:55,257.48776988 --> 00:15:59,987.48776988 Um, this is actually helping me realize this is why I need a goal. 145 00:16:00,337.48776988 --> 00:16:01,477.48776988 Uh, okay. 146 00:16:03,37.48676988 --> 00:16:06,207.48776988 There's no, there was nothing that was going to make that happen. 147 00:16:06,267.48776988 --> 00:16:06,677.48776988 Right. 148 00:16:07,27.48776988 --> 00:16:14,327.48776988 Um, it's not like we were going to come into an abundance of money that all of a sudden we were going to be like, and we will use these funds to go to Paris. 149 00:16:14,327.48776988 --> 00:16:16,637.48776988 Like this whole trip was put on a credit card. 150 00:16:16,647.48776988 --> 00:16:17,317.48776988 Most of which. 151 00:16:17,792.48776988 --> 00:16:19,112.48776988 My dear mothers. 152 00:16:20,62.48776988 --> 00:16:24,832.48776988 Um, but there's a reason, a really important reason. 153 00:16:25,192.48776988 --> 00:16:28,892.38776988 Um, and we're dumb humans and we think that. 154 00:16:29,182.48776988 --> 00:16:33,722.48776988 An external recognition gives us a reason. 155 00:16:34,552.48776988 --> 00:16:52,362.4867699 It's actually quite frustrating and embarrassing that like reason enough isn't that it's my mom's lifelong dream to go to this place, you know? And I had to, we, whatever, waited until someone decided, I want to put you in a show. 156 00:16:56,802.4867699 --> 00:17:02,102.4867699 Also another disclaimer, I am very appreciative. 157 00:17:03,7.4877699 --> 00:17:04,697.4877699 Of the opportunity. 158 00:17:05,47.4877699 --> 00:17:06,647.4877699 Truly, truly am. 159 00:17:06,707.4877699 --> 00:17:07,657.4877699 I'm not taking away from this. 160 00:17:07,667.4877699 --> 00:17:11,137.4877699 It was a beautiful, uh, gathering of people. 161 00:17:11,147.4877699 --> 00:17:12,677.4877699 It was a gorgeous space. 162 00:17:12,977.4877699 --> 00:17:14,677.4877699 Um, huge turnout. 163 00:17:16,397.4877699 --> 00:17:22,317.4867699 Uh, I met a few people there, uh, like participating artists that are super, super cool. 164 00:17:22,777.4877699 --> 00:17:25,347.4877699 Um, and. 165 00:17:27,217.4877699 --> 00:17:36,947.4877699 When I walked in to my show in Paris, I felt nothing. 166 00:17:39,287.4877699 --> 00:17:40,287.4877699 I felt nothing. 167 00:17:46,197.4877699 --> 00:17:47,837.4877699 No thing did I feel. 168 00:17:53,57.4867699 --> 00:18:15,852.4877699 And I, I wasn't putting it on a pedestal, right? Like I didn't, I already knew before I got there that I wasn't like, Oh, this is the thing, this is what I've been waiting for, but it's also undeniably a strand, like a sliver of the assumed goal. 169 00:18:16,527.4877699 --> 00:18:23,617.4877699 Of gallery representation and what that would mean and what that would look like, you know, shows and different parts of the world and blah, blah, blah. 170 00:18:23,617.4877699 --> 00:18:38,107.4877699 And, you know, last, last year I was in a show in, um, Rotterdam, uh, that I didn't even consider going to, like, I didn't even cross my mind to attend that show. 171 00:18:38,437.4877699 --> 00:18:39,117.4877699 And. 172 00:18:39,182.5877699 --> 00:18:46,722.4877699 It pisses me, it pissed me off when I realized I didn't even consider going for a second. 173 00:18:47,822.4877699 --> 00:19:05,2.4877699 It's fine that I didn't go, but also like I got so pissed and felt like rebellious over the fact that I didn't even think to go, that when this Paris thing happened, I'm like, not only must I go, dragging my mom with me, two birds with one stone. 174 00:19:06,472.4877699 --> 00:19:10,57.4877699 Um, Gotta love a multitask. 175 00:19:10,207.4877699 --> 00:19:11,17.4877699 Gotta love it. 176 00:19:14,763.943491 --> 00:19:23,673.942491 there was photo Paris going on that same night, that same weekend, and I went there. 177 00:19:23,693.943491 --> 00:19:28,683.942491 I, uh, met some friends that I had never met in person before. 178 00:19:28,703.942491 --> 00:19:33,413.943491 And then some that I actually went to a workshop with, uh, an Alec Oath workshop and he was there too. 179 00:19:33,413.943491 --> 00:19:34,273.943491 I got to see him. 180 00:19:34,753.943491 --> 00:19:37,428.943491 Uh, it was a, Beautiful experience. 181 00:19:37,438.943491 --> 00:19:41,148.943491 And the work there was mind blowing, like beautiful. 182 00:19:41,688.943491 --> 00:19:52,68.942491 And then the next morning I went to the Louvre and it was just nauseating, like a gross amount of inspiring, gorgeous work. 183 00:19:52,878.942491 --> 00:20:05,198.943491 And I just left that thinking, what the fuck? Like nothing matters unless you love it. 184 00:20:07,963.943491 --> 00:20:21,743.943491 It matters at all, unless you love it, unless it makes goosebumps rise up in your whole body. 185 00:20:25,23.942491 --> 00:20:25,273.942491 Okay. 186 00:20:25,273.942491 --> 00:20:26,253.943491 Really funny story. 187 00:20:28,53.943491 --> 00:20:30,73.843491 I forced my mom to tell me that. 188 00:20:30,383.943491 --> 00:20:38,243.943491 Sit in a wheelchair because the lube was the first stop of the day and she has hip trouble and she also has COPD so she has lung problems. 189 00:20:38,243.943491 --> 00:20:55,38.943491 She gets out of breath when she's walking a lot and I'm like listen, we need to cover some ground I this is a big place Like I don't want you to feel like crap for the rest of the day like We're not on cobblestone here. 190 00:20:55,38.943491 --> 00:20:56,388.943491 We're on glidey floors. 191 00:20:56,388.943491 --> 00:20:57,828.943491 Like everything's accessible. 192 00:20:58,128.943491 --> 00:20:58,858.943491 Let's just do it. 193 00:20:58,858.943491 --> 00:21:00,688.943491 And she's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 194 00:21:01,18.943491 --> 00:21:03,628.942491 And like, we're walking away from the wheelchair place to go in. 195 00:21:03,648.943491 --> 00:21:05,708.942491 And I'm like, no, actually, no, fuck that. 196 00:21:05,718.943491 --> 00:21:06,748.942991 Like we're, we're doing it. 197 00:21:06,748.942991 --> 00:21:07,78.942991 I'm sorry. 198 00:21:07,78.942991 --> 00:21:07,658.942491 You have no choice. 199 00:21:08,358.943491 --> 00:21:10,178.943491 So I'm so glad we did. 200 00:21:10,583.943491 --> 00:21:16,553.943491 Uh, she's so glad we did too, even though she was saying it was elder abuse because I was pushing so fast, her hair was blowing in the wind. 201 00:21:19,873.943491 --> 00:21:24,373.943491 I'm sorry, I also have a little bit of a cough, so I was laughing with like a smoker's laugh. 202 00:21:24,453.942491 --> 00:21:28,448.843491 Um, I, yeah, I was, yeah. 203 00:21:28,878.943491 --> 00:21:31,558.943491 really ambitiously trying to get through a lot of that museum. 204 00:21:34,558.943491 --> 00:21:35,788.943491 That was another thing too. 205 00:21:35,788.943491 --> 00:21:38,248.943491 Like if I would have, oh my gosh, I would have done it so differently. 206 00:21:38,518.943491 --> 00:21:47,668.943491 I had, I wanted to make sure that she saw certain things and you know, I, I, If I were just going alone, I would have scheduled nothing. 207 00:21:47,748.943491 --> 00:21:48,738.943491 Absolutely nothing. 208 00:21:49,468.943491 --> 00:21:50,498.943491 I need time to linger. 209 00:21:50,498.943491 --> 00:21:51,698.943491 I need time to meander. 210 00:21:51,708.943491 --> 00:21:52,398.943491 I need time. 211 00:21:53,308.943491 --> 00:21:53,928.943491 I need time. 212 00:21:56,68.943491 --> 00:22:03,128.943491 I want to spend forever looking at one thing if I want, or sitting, staring out the window at a, of a cafe. 213 00:22:03,508.942491 --> 00:22:06,978.942491 Like I just, we had too many things scheduled. 214 00:22:07,198.943491 --> 00:22:07,428.943491 Okay. 215 00:22:08,838.943491 --> 00:22:15,688.943491 Anyway, the, the, the point of this aside is we got to the room with a Mona Lisa. 216 00:22:16,18.943491 --> 00:22:17,108.942491 I went into it. 217 00:22:17,648.943491 --> 00:22:34,38.943491 With a chip on my shoulder over the Mona Lisa to begin with because it's like, oh my gosh, this is this this is just a representation of why I love fine art world so much and hate it so much at the same time. 218 00:22:36,18.943491 --> 00:23:03,648.943491 There's a million people in front of this very modestly sized I have just come from rooms of paintings bigger than I ever realized it was possible for a painting to be insane artwork, impossible to take in all of this artwork. 219 00:23:04,338.943491 --> 00:23:13,938.942491 And I wanted to get closer just because of the infamy of this, but also was so annoyed at it. 220 00:23:13,958.942491 --> 00:23:19,638.942491 I'm like, this is ridiculous that nothing else has this kind of attention on it. 221 00:23:23,3.943491 --> 00:23:34,193.943491 You know, I don't know, like part of me feels a little nervous and ignorant to say it so boldly. 222 00:23:35,673.942491 --> 00:23:37,813.943491 It's just so fucking stupid. 223 00:23:39,83.943491 --> 00:23:45,953.943491 There's nothing that is worth more or less than something else, right? Like it, it just depends on your own taste. 224 00:23:45,953.943491 --> 00:23:52,143.943491 And like, I'm just wondering, like, does every one of these people that's trying to see this painting have. 225 00:23:53,788.943491 --> 00:23:59,208.943491 an adoration for it from this like intimate personal place. 226 00:23:59,238.943491 --> 00:24:00,518.943491 I don't, I don't know. 227 00:24:00,618.943491 --> 00:24:02,18.943491 Anyway, whatever. 228 00:24:02,88.943491 --> 00:24:12,838.942491 I, so I'm disgusted, right? Um, I'm wheeling my mom in the wheelchair off, like, to the side just to get past it, to like move on. 229 00:24:12,848.943491 --> 00:24:13,678.942491 I'm like, fuck this. 230 00:24:14,117.6575851 --> 00:24:20,485.1276868 There's glass case around the painting, and then there's like a wooden banister, or like railing in front of it. 231 00:24:20,505.1276868 --> 00:24:26,725.1276868 And then like eight feet in front of that is the rope where the crowd has to stand away from it. 232 00:24:26,805.1276868 --> 00:24:28,805.1276868 So it's a pretty good distance away. 233 00:24:28,855.1276868 --> 00:24:29,865.1276868 Can't get a close look. 234 00:24:30,785.1266868 --> 00:24:41,755.1266868 Um, and as we're trying to go around to go behind the wall partition to the other space, these museum workers that are manning this area, just. 235 00:24:42,505.1276868 --> 00:24:42,945.1276868 Here you go. 236 00:24:43,5.1276868 --> 00:24:50,225.1276868 Like, cut us off and direct us right into the space in front of the Mona Lisa. 237 00:24:51,825.1276868 --> 00:24:53,345.1276868 Because she was in a wheelchair. 238 00:24:56,75.1276868 --> 00:24:57,965.1276868 I'm like, so it was just us. 239 00:24:58,205.1276868 --> 00:25:12,490.1276868 And then this other gentleman, and it was like an amputee and his wife that were, that That he was in the wheelchair and just us like it right up against the railing and they like took a picture of us with it because my mom was in a wheelchair. 240 00:25:12,500.1276868 --> 00:25:25,430.1276868 I'm like, why? Why? Aside, why are more people doing this if they want to see the Mona Lisa so bad? I was, I wanted to piss my pants. 241 00:25:25,430.1276868 --> 00:25:26,50.1276868 I'm like, this is the. 242 00:25:26,305.1276868 --> 00:25:28,125.1276868 Funniest shit ever. 243 00:25:29,35.1276868 --> 00:25:31,745.1276868 I was so disgusted and wanting to move on. 244 00:25:31,745.1276868 --> 00:25:34,955.1276868 And I'm ushered in front, closer than anyone. 245 00:25:34,955.1276868 --> 00:25:40,55.1276868 The first picture I took when I got there was of the crowd on the opposite of the Mona Lisa. 246 00:25:40,65.1276868 --> 00:25:41,315.1276868 It wasn't of the picture. 247 00:25:42,115.1276868 --> 00:25:45,715.1276868 Um, of course it's a beautiful painting. 248 00:25:45,735.1276868 --> 00:25:46,855.1276868 It's gorgeous. 249 00:25:46,875.1276868 --> 00:25:47,475.1276868 Of course. 250 00:25:47,805.1276868 --> 00:25:49,275.1276868 And so is everything else. 251 00:25:50,205.1276868 --> 00:26:03,766.035234 Ah, and I'm just, anyway, so we were cracking up And you think about it and it's like, okay, the Louvre is one of the most insane, amazing museums in the world, in the world. 252 00:26:04,816.035234 --> 00:26:08,806.035234 And I'm thinking about the people whose art is hanging here. 253 00:26:08,826.035234 --> 00:26:16,626.035234 Like that would be, that would be like a dream or a goal of someone possibly to be like, to be in the Louvre. 254 00:26:19,86.035234 --> 00:26:27,366.035234 And then, so for what? So, That people can take a selfie, like in front of your work. 255 00:26:27,366.035234 --> 00:26:37,976.035234 Like most of the, I don't know. 256 00:26:38,376.035234 --> 00:26:39,931.034734 And the, okay. 257 00:26:39,931.034734 --> 00:26:55,905.935234 The exquisite talent and work and skill and devotion and intention and vision of these artists is amazing. 258 00:26:56,726.035234 --> 00:27:11,586.035234 So awe inspiring and motivating and it doesn't matter unless what they made filled their heart and soul. 259 00:27:11,626.035234 --> 00:27:12,986.035234 It doesn't matter. 260 00:27:13,476.035234 --> 00:27:18,976.034234 Like the only value to be had is feeling. 261 00:27:20,356.035234 --> 00:27:34,606.035234 When you really think about life and what we're doing and what we're, what we're hoping for and what the point is, it's feeling to feel. 262 00:27:36,826.035234 --> 00:27:37,966.035234 So whether that is. 263 00:27:39,546.035234 --> 00:28:01,786.035234 Watching leaf fall on the ground or a painting at the Louvre or watching someone help Someone crossed the street, whatever it is that makes you feel is the point, right? So if this artist created this amazing work of art, it means everything. 264 00:28:02,116.035234 --> 00:28:08,186.035234 If the person looking at it feels and is touched by it, but also it means nothing. 265 00:28:08,566.035234 --> 00:28:21,461.035234 If the artist that did it didn't care about the subject matter or the Process or was totally not invested and it's funny because it doesn't, I don't know, some people say, oh, you can see it or translates in the art. 266 00:28:21,491.035234 --> 00:28:22,981.035234 I don't really know. 267 00:28:23,211.034234 --> 00:28:24,381.035234 Maybe sometimes. 268 00:28:24,411.035234 --> 00:28:32,971.035234 I mean, I feel like they're independent experiences, right? Like it's not a clear, I don't know. 269 00:28:32,971.036234 --> 00:28:44,191.035234 I just think about how sometimes I'll perhaps I'll love someone's work and then maybe I hear them speak or I whatever. 270 00:28:44,191.035234 --> 00:28:46,906.097734 And I Feel like what I feel is not good. 271 00:28:47,166.097734 --> 00:28:51,186.097734 I don't, I don't really particularly like them or whatever. 272 00:28:51,186.097734 --> 00:29:00,36.097734 All of a sudden, like that aura, that magic that I felt looking at this work is gone and I couldn't give a rat's ass. 273 00:29:00,686.097734 --> 00:29:04,886.097734 And, and the opposite is also true. 274 00:29:04,946.097734 --> 00:29:08,696.097734 Like someone's work who I've was like, Oh, cool. 275 00:29:08,936.097734 --> 00:29:09,616.097734 Like, cool. 276 00:29:09,726.097734 --> 00:29:10,586.097734 Like, just like, cool. 277 00:29:10,846.097734 --> 00:29:17,226.097734 And then all of a sudden I'll hear them talk and I'm like, Oh my God. 278 00:29:18,76.097734 --> 00:29:19,156.097734 Obsessed. 279 00:29:20,321.097734 --> 00:29:21,571.097734 Obsessed. 280 00:29:22,371.097734 --> 00:29:28,787.8644125 This is, the experience that I had with, um, Larry Sultan, my favorite photographer of all time. 281 00:29:28,794.8237934 --> 00:29:33,324.8237934 I discovered Larry Salton and I looked at his work and I'm like, whoa, those are beautiful. 282 00:29:35,244.8237934 --> 00:29:37,644.8237934 And then I heard him speak and I like. 283 00:29:38,484.8237934 --> 00:29:39,354.8237934 Vibrate. 284 00:29:39,414.8237934 --> 00:29:47,694.8237934 My body was like vibrating with resonance of like, oh, Oh, my. 285 00:29:48,324.8237934 --> 00:29:48,984.8237934 God. 286 00:29:51,864.8237934 --> 00:29:53,814.8237934 What a gift to humanity. 287 00:29:53,814.8237934 --> 00:29:55,404.8237934 This human being is. 288 00:29:59,224.8237934 --> 00:30:04,444.8237934 There's a, a modern photographer, like current day, my favorite actually current day photographer. 289 00:30:05,704.8237934 --> 00:30:07,624.8237934 That I love. 290 00:30:07,894.8237934 --> 00:30:10,204.8237934 Like, I love this person's work. 291 00:30:10,654.8237934 --> 00:30:12,424.8237934 Very very much. 292 00:30:12,884.8237934 --> 00:30:18,464.8237934 Really, I mean, When I, when I think of my favorite photographer, that is. 293 00:30:18,854.8237934 --> 00:30:20,564.8237934 Alive right now, practicing. 294 00:30:20,564.8237934 --> 00:30:21,794.8237934 I think of this person. 295 00:30:23,84.8237934 --> 00:30:24,314.8237934 And I own none. 296 00:30:25,454.8237934 --> 00:30:26,144.8237934 Of his books. 297 00:30:26,564.8237934 --> 00:30:33,314.8237934 And I, which is crazy because I'm a fanatic when it comes to purchasing art and art books. 298 00:30:33,854.8237934 --> 00:30:34,244.8237934 But. 299 00:30:34,874.8237934 --> 00:30:36,314.8237934 I just can't. 300 00:30:36,374.8237934 --> 00:30:36,704.8237934 Help. 301 00:30:36,944.8237934 --> 00:30:38,624.8237934 There's a disconnect between. 302 00:30:40,754.8237934 --> 00:30:46,484.8237934 His work when I see it, like on one by one its own thing and the way he makes books. 303 00:30:46,964.8237934 --> 00:30:49,274.8237934 I, I just feel nothing. 304 00:30:49,334.8237934 --> 00:30:51,824.8237934 When I look at the books, which is crazy because I. 305 00:30:52,244.8237934 --> 00:30:55,184.8237934 Love love the art. 306 00:30:55,664.8237934 --> 00:30:56,744.8237934 But it's like, I'm not. 307 00:30:57,584.8237934 --> 00:30:58,964.8237934 I'm not going to. 308 00:31:00,464.8237934 --> 00:31:05,114.8237934 You know, spend, you know, The limited resources I have. 309 00:31:05,384.8237934 --> 00:31:07,724.8237934 On this thing, unless I have a full body, like. 310 00:31:09,74.8237934 --> 00:31:09,884.8237934 This. 311 00:31:10,994.8237934 --> 00:31:13,64.8237934 And I think it's so interesting. 312 00:31:13,274.8237934 --> 00:31:13,544.8237934 Right. 313 00:31:13,544.8237934 --> 00:31:14,474.8237934 I actually had a moment. 314 00:31:14,474.8237934 --> 00:31:16,304.8237934 I came up against it again with this trip. 315 00:31:16,304.8237934 --> 00:31:24,554.8237934 Like there was, um, Uh, showing of his and I'm like, and he was there and I'm like, oh, well, if I get the book, then I could have him sign it. 316 00:31:24,554.8237934 --> 00:31:25,994.8237934 And I really love his work. 317 00:31:26,894.8237934 --> 00:31:28,544.8237934 But I was like, I can't. 318 00:31:29,984.8237934 --> 00:31:33,434.8237934 I can't fake that I don't want like, I don't know. 319 00:31:33,464.8237934 --> 00:31:34,64.8237934 It was weird. 320 00:31:34,94.8237934 --> 00:31:36,374.8237934 Do you relate to this? Like, is there someone that. 321 00:31:37,454.8237934 --> 00:31:37,544.8237934 Yeah. 322 00:31:37,604.8237934 --> 00:31:41,234.8237934 Like everything checks out, but for some reason there's a disconnect in this area. 323 00:31:41,504.8237934 --> 00:31:43,514.8237934 That's kind of what this was for me. 324 00:31:43,514.8237934 --> 00:31:44,954.8237934 So I didn't actually end up. 325 00:31:45,314.8237934 --> 00:31:46,544.8237934 Uh, getting. 326 00:31:47,774.8237934 --> 00:31:51,374.8237934 His book and I didn't meet him or have it signed because I just felt like. 327 00:31:52,514.8237934 --> 00:31:56,864.8237934 Let me just love it for how I love it and experience that, how I experience it. 328 00:31:56,894.8237934 --> 00:31:58,514.8237934 And I don't know, maybe one Dale. 329 00:31:58,934.8237934 --> 00:32:00,374.8237934 Be able to buy a printer or something. 330 00:32:00,374.8237934 --> 00:32:03,644.8237934 And that will be my, um, version experience. 331 00:32:03,764.8237934 --> 00:32:06,314.8237934 Uh, my choice in how I experienced that work. 332 00:32:06,314.8237934 --> 00:32:07,724.8237934 And it's just not book form. 333 00:32:08,444.8237934 --> 00:32:09,914.8237934 Um, anyway. 334 00:32:10,964.8237934 --> 00:32:11,564.8237934 Point is. 335 00:32:12,254.8237934 --> 00:32:12,914.8237934 Get to the point. 336 00:32:14,174.8237934 --> 00:32:15,134.8237934 The whole thing is the point. 337 00:32:15,164.8237934 --> 00:32:16,94.8237934 The point is this. 338 00:32:16,574.8237934 --> 00:32:18,14.8237934 Everything in nothingness. 339 00:32:18,344.8237934 --> 00:32:18,764.8237934 This. 340 00:32:21,164.8237934 --> 00:32:41,444.8237934 What are we even doing? What are we even doing? One of my favorite things about going to on this trip was actually going to the Shakespeare, uh, And company bookstore, I love bookstores so much. 341 00:32:41,534.8237934 --> 00:32:44,234.8237934 And I went into this bookstore. 342 00:32:44,264.8237934 --> 00:32:50,54.8237934 You actually, it's tiny and it's so charming and you have to wait in a line because they only let a few people in at a time. 343 00:32:50,54.8237934 --> 00:32:51,524.8237934 So it doesn't get overly crowded. 344 00:32:52,4.8237934 --> 00:32:54,704.8237934 And oh, just the energy in there. 345 00:32:54,704.8237934 --> 00:32:58,574.8237934 And the experience of that bookstore was. 346 00:33:02,834.8237934 --> 00:33:07,754.8237934 Probably more potent than when I went to the palace of Versailles, honestly. 347 00:33:08,774.8237934 --> 00:33:09,914.8237934 And I was at the palace of Versailles. 348 00:33:09,914.8237934 --> 00:33:13,244.8237934 I kept thinking I was disturbed by the opulence. 349 00:33:15,374.8237934 --> 00:33:17,294.8237934 It went from off like, oh my gosh. 350 00:33:17,294.8237934 --> 00:33:20,804.8237934 So beautiful to like almost discussed, like. 351 00:33:22,424.8237934 --> 00:33:26,354.8237934 What is this like, who died making this. 352 00:33:29,144.8237934 --> 00:33:32,444.8237934 Um, But I, I. 353 00:33:33,464.8237934 --> 00:33:41,114.8237934 That reckoning, like coming to grips with like, This actually doesn't matter. 354 00:33:41,114.8237934 --> 00:33:43,394.8237934 And this actually really does. 355 00:33:43,964.8237934 --> 00:33:44,684.8237934 Uh, is. 356 00:33:46,94.8237934 --> 00:33:47,474.8237934 Such an important. 357 00:33:48,104.8237934 --> 00:33:49,784.8237934 It's the point of life. 358 00:33:50,204.8237934 --> 00:33:51,374.8237934 To a degree, he, right. 359 00:33:51,374.8237934 --> 00:34:00,794.8237934 It's like one of the points of life figuring out what is it? That is important and removing all of the veils, all of the facades, all of those. 360 00:34:01,334.8237934 --> 00:34:05,24.8237934 Um, invisible lenses that have been put. 361 00:34:06,104.8237934 --> 00:34:11,414.8237934 On you from growing up in a society, whichever one it is, you know, And. 362 00:34:13,34.8237934 --> 00:34:14,24.8237934 It's very liberating. 363 00:34:14,24.8237934 --> 00:34:16,394.8237934 It's very freeing, but it's also very daunting. 364 00:34:16,604.8237934 --> 00:34:17,474.8237934 It's like, okay. 365 00:34:17,474.8237934 --> 00:34:18,494.8237934 But then now what. 366 00:34:19,424.8237934 --> 00:34:23,54.8237934 Like I left there and I'm like, Okay. 367 00:34:23,54.8237934 --> 00:34:25,964.8237934 I've now decided that I don't want you. 368 00:34:26,954.8237934 --> 00:34:30,254.8237934 Offer photo services openly anymore. 369 00:34:30,344.8237934 --> 00:34:33,224.8237934 I want to do more slow commissions for people. 370 00:34:33,584.8237934 --> 00:34:36,364.8237934 I don't want you to just offer sessions, okay. 371 00:34:36,694.8237934 --> 00:34:39,964.8237934 And then I go there and I have this like gallery experience. 372 00:34:39,974.8237934 --> 00:34:41,364.8237934 I'm like, whatever. 373 00:34:41,784.8237934 --> 00:34:49,944.8237934 Um, What, what, what, what, what, what now? What now? And. 374 00:34:50,844.8237934 --> 00:34:52,194.8237934 My what now? Ms. 375 00:34:52,194.8237934 --> 00:34:55,764.8237934 Always been the same and I act like I'm rediscovering it. 376 00:34:56,904.8237934 --> 00:34:58,224.8237934 But it's always the same thing. 377 00:34:58,224.8237934 --> 00:34:59,394.8237934 It's it's. 378 00:35:00,54.8237934 --> 00:35:06,534.8237934 Presence it's being so in right now, That. 379 00:35:08,124.8237934 --> 00:35:09,324.8237934 There's no. 380 00:35:11,844.8237934 --> 00:35:12,654.8237934 Where else. 381 00:35:13,584.8237934 --> 00:35:19,794.8237934 And I think so much of life and we're human beings get caught up. 382 00:35:20,214.8237934 --> 00:35:22,554.8237934 Is being everywhere, but here. 383 00:35:23,64.8237934 --> 00:35:23,964.8237934 All of the time. 384 00:35:33,834.8237934 --> 00:35:34,74.8237934 And. 385 00:35:34,974.8237934 --> 00:35:38,874.8237934 Sometimes it takes this very inconvenient, crazy epic. 386 00:35:39,384.8237934 --> 00:35:42,24.8237934 Uh, Deflating. 387 00:35:42,324.8237934 --> 00:35:45,654.8237934 Uh, confusing journey to bring you back to home. 388 00:35:46,734.8237934 --> 00:35:48,864.8237934 Oh, Okay. 389 00:35:49,974.8237934 --> 00:35:55,704.8237934 You know, I had this moment, um, I won't share because it's a private family moment. 390 00:35:55,794.8237934 --> 00:35:57,924.8237934 Um, but basically. 391 00:36:00,924.8237934 --> 00:36:01,734.8237934 There was. 392 00:36:12,324.8237934 --> 00:36:14,814.8237934 Someone said something to me of how. 393 00:36:17,154.8237934 --> 00:36:18,504.8237934 They're worried about me. 394 00:36:22,164.8237934 --> 00:36:25,254.8237934 You know of, of everything I worry about you. 395 00:36:26,634.8237934 --> 00:36:28,674.8237934 And there was this moment in me. 396 00:36:28,764.8237934 --> 00:36:35,424.8237934 And you know, of course from like a ego perspective, like there's like a flinch, right? But it was. 397 00:36:36,144.8237934 --> 00:36:37,974.8237934 It was really easy to get past that part. 398 00:36:38,304.8237934 --> 00:36:40,284.8237934 There was like this very deep. 399 00:36:47,4.8237934 --> 00:36:48,774.8237934 Gasp whirlwind, like. 400 00:36:50,4.8237934 --> 00:36:50,514.8237934 Of. 401 00:36:54,114.8237934 --> 00:36:55,74.8237934 Wow. 402 00:37:02,364.8237934 --> 00:37:12,264.8237934 Do you even see me at all? And this confidence of like, Yeah, I might. 403 00:37:13,554.8237934 --> 00:37:16,584.8237934 Go through tough times, or I might this, or I might that, but. 404 00:37:17,904.8237934 --> 00:37:22,194.8237934 I have such trust in myself. 405 00:37:22,674.8237934 --> 00:37:23,694.8237934 And my convictions. 406 00:37:24,84.8237934 --> 00:37:26,244.8237934 The way I choose to live my life. 407 00:37:27,504.8237934 --> 00:37:30,294.8237934 That I am so much more. 408 00:37:30,954.8237934 --> 00:37:31,704.8237934 Okay. 409 00:37:31,944.8237934 --> 00:37:33,534.8237934 Than I even realized. 410 00:37:34,494.8237934 --> 00:37:35,634.8237934 Just by someone. 411 00:37:36,354.8237934 --> 00:37:39,54.8237934 Genuinely being concerned and doubting that. 412 00:37:41,214.8237934 --> 00:37:44,424.8237934 I let that moment be such a. 413 00:37:50,4.8237934 --> 00:37:51,744.8237934 Empowering moment for me. 414 00:37:54,84.8237934 --> 00:37:57,474.8237934 Of, oh, I understand how it might look like. 415 00:37:57,984.8237934 --> 00:37:59,544.8237934 This from the outside. 416 00:38:01,764.8237934 --> 00:38:03,204.8237934 But from the inside. 417 00:38:05,4.8237934 --> 00:38:06,54.8237934 Fucking golden. 418 00:38:12,804.8237934 --> 00:38:13,824.8237934 I'm okay. 419 00:38:15,84.8237934 --> 00:38:16,374.8237934 I know what I'm doing. 420 00:38:17,424.8237934 --> 00:38:18,174.8237934 Because. 421 00:38:20,64.8237934 --> 00:38:22,734.8237934 I'm living my life from this. 422 00:38:23,304.8237934 --> 00:38:25,554.8237934 Central core spot. 423 00:38:25,944.8237934 --> 00:38:27,684.8237934 And even though it can feel messy. 424 00:38:27,984.8237934 --> 00:38:29,454.8237934 And confusing. 425 00:38:29,874.8237934 --> 00:38:32,754.8237934 And haphazard on the outside. 426 00:38:34,374.8237934 --> 00:38:36,204.8237934 Like all that matters is how it feels. 427 00:38:36,234.8237934 --> 00:38:36,594.8237934 Right. 428 00:38:36,804.8237934 --> 00:38:37,434.8237934 Feeling. 429 00:38:37,674.8237934 --> 00:38:48,294.8237934 How does it feel? You could have everything buttoned up in the world and from the exterior look like all your shit is. 430 00:38:48,804.8237934 --> 00:38:50,574.8237934 In a row and you're good. 431 00:38:51,114.8237934 --> 00:38:52,254.8237934 And want to. 432 00:38:53,214.8237934 --> 00:38:54,324.8237934 Scream. 433 00:38:54,864.8237934 --> 00:38:56,784.8237934 At the top of your lungs and just disappear. 434 00:38:57,234.8237934 --> 00:38:57,564.8237934 Right. 435 00:39:17,254.8237934 --> 00:39:20,44.8237934 I feel like I have so much more to say, but. 436 00:39:22,564.8237934 --> 00:39:23,974.8237934 I'm gonna put a pin in it. 437 00:39:24,304.8237934 --> 00:39:24,664.8237934 There. 438 00:39:26,954.8237934 --> 00:39:28,274.8237934 I want to ask you. 439 00:39:30,414.8237934 --> 00:39:33,384.8237934 What in your life? Quote, unquote. 440 00:39:33,954.8237934 --> 00:39:35,34.8237934 Looks good. 441 00:39:35,904.8237934 --> 00:39:37,74.8237934 But doesn't feel good. 442 00:39:39,174.8237934 --> 00:39:44,454.8237934 You know what I mean by that? Like by standards whose ever. 443 00:39:45,354.8237934 --> 00:39:47,304.8237934 Standards, societal. 444 00:39:48,24.8237934 --> 00:39:52,554.8237934 Yours, whatever looks good from the outside, but doesn't feel good. 445 00:39:53,244.8237934 --> 00:39:55,554.8237934 What is that? And. 446 00:39:56,244.8237934 --> 00:39:59,274.8237934 What might look fucking crazy. 447 00:39:59,874.8237934 --> 00:40:00,894.8237934 Like a shit show. 448 00:40:01,614.8237934 --> 00:40:02,334.8237934 Hard. 449 00:40:04,584.8237934 --> 00:40:06,684.8237934 Whatever, but feels. 450 00:40:08,64.8237934 --> 00:40:08,694.8237934 Right. 451 00:40:10,134.8237934 --> 00:40:10,644.8237934 Feels. 452 00:40:11,484.8237934 --> 00:40:12,84.8237934 Perfect. 453 00:40:17,304.8237934 --> 00:40:19,524.8237934 Let yourself linger in that knowing. 454 00:40:25,854.8237934 --> 00:40:28,974.8237934 I'm so proud of you and I hope you are still proud of you. 455 00:40:37,944.8237934 --> 00:40:40,194.8237934 I didn't need to go to Paris to be proud of me. 456 00:40:49,164.8237934 --> 00:40:50,184.8237934 But sometimes. 457 00:40:53,484.8237934 --> 00:40:56,244.8237934 It is really helpful to go halfway around the world. 458 00:40:58,944.8237934 --> 00:40:59,934.8237934 To realize. 459 00:41:03,114.8237934 --> 00:41:04,284.8237934 What doesn't matter. 460 00:41:05,904.8237934 --> 00:41:06,564.8237934 And what does. 461 00:41:10,674.8237934 --> 00:41:14,394.8237934 Sometimes you just need to be that far away from your bullshit. 462 00:41:17,454.8237934 --> 00:41:18,744.8237934 To get your eyes adjusted. 463 00:41:19,164.8237934 --> 00:41:19,704.8237934 Oh, yeah. 464 00:41:19,824.8237934 --> 00:41:20,154.8237934 Oh yeah. 465 00:41:20,214.8237934 --> 00:41:20,424.8237934 Okay. 466 00:41:20,994.8237934 --> 00:41:21,234.8237934 Okay. 467 00:41:27,474.8237934 --> 00:41:29,994.8237934 That is what I have for you two day. 468 00:41:30,384.8237934 --> 00:41:35,34.8237934 Um, I'm also about to post, if you are not subscribed to my sub stack. 469 00:41:35,604.8237934 --> 00:41:42,34.8237934 I highly recommended because I take, portions of the transcript from the podcast. 470 00:41:42,474.8237934 --> 00:41:43,854.8237934 turn it into a piece of writing. 471 00:41:44,274.8237934 --> 00:41:47,664.8237934 And I had some of my pictures that I've taken. 472 00:41:47,714.8237934 --> 00:41:48,224.8237934 Throughout. 473 00:41:48,524.8237934 --> 00:41:49,394.8237934 Just time in general. 474 00:41:49,394.8237934 --> 00:41:55,394.8237934 It's actually really helpful for me because it helps me to get into my archive more than I would. 475 00:41:55,514.8237934 --> 00:41:57,674.8237934 I I'm a gatherer. 476 00:41:57,704.8237934 --> 00:42:00,14.8237934 I take pictures, I put them all in my cheeks and then I. 477 00:42:00,734.8237934 --> 00:42:03,614.8237934 Don't chew any of them for a really long time. 478 00:42:03,674.8237934 --> 00:42:06,464.8237934 And this process has really helped me to. 479 00:42:07,994.8237934 --> 00:42:12,164.8237934 Be in my art more in my photographic art, more so. 480 00:42:13,154.8237934 --> 00:42:18,434.8237934 If you want a visual experience and don't want to hear my ums and AHS and. 481 00:42:20,444.8237934 --> 00:42:22,484.8237934 Coffee drinking swallowing in the mic. 482 00:42:22,944.8237934 --> 00:42:24,564.8237934 then subscribe to my sub stack. 483 00:42:24,594.8237934 --> 00:42:27,834.8237934 I also have a paid version of my sub stack. 484 00:42:28,104.8237934 --> 00:42:29,754.8237934 That is nostalgia now. 485 00:42:29,754.8237934 --> 00:42:34,104.8237934 So it's my monthly Photo graphic journaling templates. 486 00:42:34,674.8237934 --> 00:42:38,494.8237934 And, this month is a really, yummy one. 487 00:42:38,654.8237934 --> 00:42:40,634.8237934 It's even more expansive and. 488 00:42:41,534.8237934 --> 00:42:44,384.8237934 I thought outside the box, even more on this one. 489 00:42:45,614.8237934 --> 00:42:56,544.8237934 So, if you're wanting to have a, one of a kind, Prompted photographic journaling template to help you drop into your life and yourself and your center. 490 00:42:56,814.8237934 --> 00:43:03,504.8237934 Once a month at the end of the month, then, uh, sign up for the paid version of my sub stack, where you will get access to that. 491 00:43:03,624.8237934 --> 00:43:04,704.8237934 I'm about to post that. 492 00:43:05,154.8237934 --> 00:43:06,414.8237934 Um, now as well. 493 00:43:08,934.8237934 --> 00:43:12,804.8237934 The nostalgia now is a deeply. 494 00:43:13,314.8237934 --> 00:43:19,434.8237934 Um, I mean, I get really nervous to say the word therapeutic because I'm obviously not a therapist, not a doctor. 495 00:43:19,524.8237934 --> 00:43:23,114.8237934 never providing any, advice around anything like that. 496 00:43:23,834.8237934 --> 00:43:29,174.8237934 But as far as a self-inquiry perspective, it really helps you, burrow. 497 00:43:29,614.8237934 --> 00:43:30,4.8237934 into the. 498 00:43:30,424.8237934 --> 00:43:43,444.8237934 The layers of your truth and your life and your subconscious and your conscious and your, you know, It's just the most empowering transformative, uh, Mobilizing. 499 00:43:43,864.8237934 --> 00:43:53,14.8237934 Ritual I have, is, are these monthly reflections where I look back on the, on the month I've had, um, and I love sharing it with you also. 500 00:43:54,424.8237934 --> 00:43:58,24.8237934 Uh, if that's of interest to you, um, go ahead and sign up on sub stack. 501 00:43:58,24.8237934 --> 00:43:59,374.8237934 I'll put the link in the show notes. 502 00:43:59,674.8237934 --> 00:44:02,854.8237934 Uh, always would love to see your template. 503 00:44:02,854.8237934 --> 00:44:08,974.8237934 So if you complete yours and want to share it and feel like I'm expressing your discoveries. 504 00:44:09,34.8237934 --> 00:44:12,124.8237934 Uh, you can find me on Instagram at Bianca, Leah, Maura. 505 00:44:12,694.8237934 --> 00:44:16,174.8237934 And, uh, send me a message and a voice memo about your experience. 506 00:44:16,204.8237934 --> 00:44:17,674.8237934 I would love to hear. 507 00:44:18,784.8237934 --> 00:44:19,204.8237934 Okay. 508 00:44:19,774.8237934 --> 00:44:20,404.8237934 That's it. 509 00:44:20,494.8237934 --> 00:44:23,704.8237934 Um, it is getting dark really early these days. 510 00:44:23,704.8237934 --> 00:44:28,594.8237934 And I think I want to go head out and pick up the kiddos before it starts knowing again. 511 00:44:29,134.8237934 --> 00:44:31,594.8237934 And, um, And yeah. 512 00:44:32,74.8237934 --> 00:44:32,524.8237934 Okay. 513 00:44:32,584.8237934 --> 00:44:34,594.8237934 I love you so much and I'll catch you next week. 514 00:44:36,411.1049725 --> 00:44:39,631.1049725 This has been an Awkward Sage Production.