i lost my pregnancy, here’s my hand.

The following is my experience over the last 3 months in losing my pregnancy. I’ve repeatedly been told how common it is to have this happen- and yet again, I find myself in a “common” place with such a minimal amount of context for it. Grasping for hands to hold in this hushed common ground has been critical, I hope my voice becomes a hand you’ll never need to hold.

get the visual version here: https://biancaleamorra.substack.com/

Episode Transcript

(00:01):
Hello and welcome to another episode of Help Me See, this is an episode I wish I didn't have to record.
I have taken a, a break, um, taken some time and space from.

(00:23):
.495494096Recording and just general creative output because I've been going through a tough time and it feels really important, really necessary to share now that I have some semblance of life force back in my body. 4 00:00:47,847.495494096 --> 00:00:48,387.495494096 Um. 5 00:00:52,167.495494096 --> 00:00:55,557.495494096 the trigger warning for this is that it's about pregnancy loss. 6 00:00:55,677.495494096 --> 00:01:03,387.495494096 And if you're not in a place where you feel comfortable hearing about it, then I would suggest you skip this one. 7 00:01:04,352.495494096 --> 00:01:16,257.495494096 But I do believe that talking about the uncomfortable and the hard things, um. 8 00:01:17,232.495494096 --> 00:01:28,25.508737344 Is what gives us space and the ability to, I, I guess, not heal. 9 00:01:29,155.508737344 --> 00:01:30,955.508737344 I don't know if feels the right word. 10 00:01:30,985.508737344 --> 00:01:59,985.50873734 I think it's more that talking about it feels like revering it, it feels like giving the experience a voice because it's so transient and the world keeps moving when you feel like yours has just ended and, I just wanna do my part in sharing and, um, processing. 11 00:02:00,105.50873734 --> 00:02:11,655.50873734 So usually I do not read, uh, the podcast at all, but, um, before hitting record for the past few weeks I've been. 12 00:02:12,405.50873734 --> 00:02:19,485.50873734 Writing here and there and um, so this is going to be shared on my substack, as always. 13 00:02:19,485.50873734 --> 00:02:36,840.50873734 The note is, or the link is in the show notes and, um, yeah, I'm just going to read The ground no longer feels capable of holding the weight of me. 14 00:02:38,880.50873734 --> 00:02:45,810.50873734 It feels like my whole life is a thin rug floating midair, just waiting to be ripped out from under me. 15 00:02:45,810.50873734 --> 00:02:53,40.50873734 At any moment, there is a switch that flips in me. 16 00:02:53,70.50873734 --> 00:02:58,950.50873734 When I go through something difficult, I feel this undeniable urge to share it. 17 00:02:59,880.50873734 --> 00:03:02,250.50873734 The scarier it feels, the more pressing the need. 18 00:03:03,660.50873734 --> 00:03:04,530.50873734 I can't explain it. 19 00:03:05,895.50873734 --> 00:03:08,655.50873734 Nor can I really explain any of the most important things. 20 00:03:09,45.50873734 --> 00:03:14,115.50873734 Those are the things that are both unsayable and also specifically worth the excavation. 21 00:03:17,505.50873734 --> 00:03:24,615.50873734 It feels like a subconscious knowing that if I don't let it move in whatever way, it will turn to poison. 22 00:03:25,215.50873734 --> 00:03:33,495.50873734 Like the way stagnant water becomes dangerous if it doesn't flow or vomit that is coming up, whether you like it or not. 23 00:03:36,975.50873734 --> 00:03:52,95.50873734 Sometimes explaining things like this seems frowned upon like a low brow, too literal attempt to communicate something, somehow cheapens it as if it's only allowed to be talked about conceptually with poetic or elusive language or visual art. 24 00:03:54,110.50873734 --> 00:03:59,415.50873734 But just in the same way, there are things that can only be expressed and experienced in art. 25 00:04:00,225.50873734 --> 00:04:04,635.50873734 There are things that demand cold, hard, colorless words. 26 00:04:06,735.50873734 --> 00:04:14,955.50873734 It's hard to name something that doesn't look pretty or feel palatable, as if saying my plain truth is crude or offensive or less than. 27 00:04:16,605.50873734 --> 00:04:22,185.50873734 But ironically, sometimes the lack of considered approach feels more like art to me than anything else. 28 00:04:25,95.50873734 --> 00:04:28,725.50873734 The deciding factor between the two, you. 29 00:04:30,30.50873734 --> 00:04:33,240.50873734 Your own internal need, honor it and respect it. 30 00:04:34,920.50873734 --> 00:04:39,180.50873734 So today for me, I don't want this to be open for interpretation. 31 00:04:39,720.50873734 --> 00:04:43,260.50873734 In fact, right now I cannot stand one more goddamn open-ended thing. 32 00:04:44,280.50873734 --> 00:04:46,200.50873734 I want to be bound to specificity. 33 00:04:46,950.50873734 --> 00:04:53,40.50873734 I need to name, I need to not feel fucking helpless in one area of my life. 34 00:04:55,620.50873734 --> 00:04:58,710.50873734 It feels impossible to exist in the space I'm in now. 35 00:04:59,355.50873734 --> 00:05:01,905.50873734 Both the liminal and the aftermath of losing a baby. 36 00:05:03,705.50873734 --> 00:05:16,905.50873734 I found that some women feel shy or shamed about the extent of their pain for their loss because of how early in the pregnancy it happened, or knowing others who have had it worse, or the fact that it's so common. 37 00:05:16,905.50873734 --> 00:05:25,605.50873734 One in four, every loss is as different, significant and intimate as the person bearing it. 38 00:05:28,440.50873734 --> 00:05:31,350.50873734 From the second you see that pink line, everything changes. 39 00:05:33,450.50873734 --> 00:05:41,160.50873734 A love is born without needing birth, biologically, emotionally, physically, spiritually. 40 00:05:43,860.50873734 --> 00:05:47,670.50873734 At the time of this recording, I'm almost two weeks post the procedure. 41 00:05:47,670.50873734 --> 00:05:52,350.50873734 I did not want to have to have, I was around three months pregnant. 42 00:05:54,735.50873734 --> 00:06:02,985.50873734 The only thing that has helped me in this process is a few women who have shared intimate details of their experience with me. 43 00:06:05,175.50873734 --> 00:06:21,555.50873734 I'm grateful for their love, honesty, specificity, transparency, and most of all, their willingness to recall some of their darkest hours to help light mine when it felt like all of the air was sucked out of the sky. 44 00:06:21,630.50873734 --> 00:06:26,760.50873734 And stillness felt violent, silence, impenetrable. 45 00:06:27,960.50873734 --> 00:06:34,680.50873734 The knowing of their hard truths was a hand to hold, a hand to squeeze in the dark. 46 00:06:37,500.50873734 --> 00:06:49,675.50873734 Here's my hand in early February, I found out I was pregnant in absolute shock, unplanned, and I was so very happy. 47 00:06:50,820.50873734 --> 00:07:00,900.50873734 It was even more shocking for my partner who doesn't have the hormones and biological predisposition to more quickly acclimate to the reality right out of the gate. 48 00:07:00,930.50873734 --> 00:07:09,360.50873734 The complexity of holding my own joy and my partner's struggle felt like an intense experience, but one that awakened me to the importance of holding my truth sacred. 49 00:07:10,500.50873734 --> 00:07:16,20.50873734 A heightened awareness in not making my love and compassion for someone else means sacrifice to myself. 50 00:07:17,850.50873734 --> 00:07:20,640.50873734 All it took was that pink line to change everything. 51 00:07:21,0.50873734 --> 00:07:23,580.50873734 Well, many pink lines because it took a lot of tests. 52 00:07:25,620.50873734 --> 00:07:29,190.50873734 I didn't know if we would have a third child, but I always knew there was another. 53 00:07:30,390.50873734 --> 00:07:40,380.50873734 I've always said that it just feels like there's another, it's not that I have this overabundance of energy and patience and bandwidth for the two I have now. 54 00:07:40,860.50873734 --> 00:07:45,990.50873734 It just always felt like there was a presence making space for itself before even being here. 55 00:07:48,495.50873734 --> 00:07:55,155.50873734 In the eternity Before first seeing the doctor for my first ultrasound, I had a lot of time to think about this new season. 56 00:07:57,345.50873734 --> 00:08:04,755.50873734 One of the things I felt most strongly about was the idea that this was my chance to be in a pregnancy without being consumed with fear and worry. 57 00:08:06,255.50873734 --> 00:08:10,5.50873734 This was my chance to feel grounded and at peace during this experience. 58 00:08:12,180.50873734 --> 00:08:25,650.50873734 I was absolutely horrified in both of my previous pregnancies, the first, because it was my first and the second because there were some scary test results that led us to having to see many specialists and learning about very scary possibilities. 59 00:08:25,650.50873734 --> 00:08:30,180.50873734 Only to find out in the end, once he was finally born, that he was totally fine. 60 00:08:30,450.50873734 --> 00:08:38,10.50873734 Thank goodness I am such a different person now than I was six and four years ago. 61 00:08:38,760.50873734 --> 00:08:39,870.50873734 I know so much more. 62 00:08:40,620.50873734 --> 00:08:40,650.50873734 I. 63 00:08:40,965.50873734 --> 00:08:46,785.50873734 I am so much more connected to myself now is my chance to live this experience in a new way. 64 00:08:50,295.50873734 --> 00:08:58,365.50873734 We told our parents within a week or so, finding out, I feel very uncomfortable when something significant is happening and the prominent people in my life don't know about it. 65 00:08:58,965.50873734 --> 00:09:02,685.50873734 I have no poker face and I feel most comfortable with transparency. 66 00:09:04,665.50873734 --> 00:09:08,985.50873734 Going into my first appointment, I knew it was going to be hit or miss to be able to see the baby. 67 00:09:09,870.50873734 --> 00:09:19,680.50873734 It's still so early, but regardless of how common it is to not be able to see it, yet I had to be classified with unknown viability. 68 00:09:21,660.50873734 --> 00:09:23,190.50873734 I cried as soon as I left the room. 69 00:09:25,440.50873734 --> 00:09:28,620.50873734 Immediate fear, but no. 70 00:09:28,620.50873734 --> 00:09:30,90.50873734 This time I wanna be different. 71 00:09:30,90.50873734 --> 00:09:35,160.50873734 I told myself I had so many weird pregnancy symptoms. 72 00:09:35,850.50873734 --> 00:09:37,530.50873734 I rested in the discomfort. 73 00:09:38,385.50873734 --> 00:09:40,995.50873734 With hope that those must be positive signs. 74 00:09:42,975.50873734 --> 00:09:46,665.50873734 I had to wait 11 days for the viability confirmation ultrasound. 75 00:09:52,95.50873734 --> 00:09:55,275.50873734 I waited 11 long days to lay on this paper. 76 00:09:55,995.50873734 --> 00:09:57,855.50873734 You move the wand inside of me. 77 00:09:58,305.50873734 --> 00:10:00,435.50873734 You saw my insides on a screen. 78 00:10:01,275.50873734 --> 00:10:06,615.50873734 Did you think you knew more than I about me and mine? I wait. 79 00:10:07,380.50873734 --> 00:10:09,210.50873734 Your straight face makes me sick. 80 00:10:10,50.50873734 --> 00:10:10,710.50873734 I wait. 81 00:10:12,210.50873734 --> 00:10:18,300.50873734 I unfairly hate you more and more each minute, your silence glows grim in that dark room. 82 00:10:18,990.50873734 --> 00:10:20,910.50873734 Worse than anything you could ever say. 83 00:10:21,900.50873734 --> 00:10:28,650.50873734 And still, I must wait, and you walked in the room after a disrespectful wait. 84 00:10:28,860.50873734 --> 00:10:30,510.50873734 And yet I wish you'd never come. 85 00:10:31,740.50873734 --> 00:10:33,690.50873734 I flinched as your words assaulted me. 86 00:10:33,690.50873734 --> 00:10:36,120.50873734 Your blank eyes seemed perfectly fine. 87 00:10:36,960.50873734 --> 00:10:40,440.50873734 With letting me twist in pain as you pulled life from mine. 88 00:10:41,880.50873734 --> 00:10:56,10.50873734 And while I wait those closest to me innocently compete to say the worst possible words, their version of comfort, so much more their reality and nothing of mine, wait and prepare for the worst. 89 00:10:57,360.50873734 --> 00:11:09,735.50873734 Will it somehow hurt less? If I tell myself to hurt sooner? Will those words feel easier if I sit inside them longer? Wait, and then you can try again. 90 00:11:11,85.50873734 --> 00:11:19,485.50873734 As if the life inside of me here and now can be there and then wait and see. 91 00:11:20,85.50873734 --> 00:11:22,245.50873734 But this is likely an early loss. 92 00:11:22,905.50873734 --> 00:11:24,405.50873734 That data makes me sick. 93 00:11:24,735.50873734 --> 00:11:30,585.50873734 Averages and statistics meant to predict the outcome of a once in a lifetime, one of a kind you. 94 00:11:32,85.50873734 --> 00:11:32,685.50873734 I wait. 95 00:11:34,725.50873734 --> 00:11:37,305.50873734 Er, golf ball, clots, filling pads front to back. 96 00:11:37,305.50873734 --> 00:11:38,25.50873734 Side side. 97 00:11:38,25.50873734 --> 00:11:47,25.50873734 Any questions? I want to run away from my own body so badly and also not at all, because there's a baby in there. 98 00:11:47,745.50873734 --> 00:11:48,825.50873734 My baby is there. 99 00:11:50,805.50873734 --> 00:11:51,525.50873734 You are there. 100 00:11:52,665.50873734 --> 00:11:58,605.50873734 So I must wait, wait, wait, wait. 101 00:12:00,620.50873734 --> 00:12:01,400.50873734 11 days. 102 00:12:02,40.50873734 --> 00:12:05,910.50873734 Two weeks, eight weeks, wait and see. 103 00:12:05,910.50873734 --> 00:12:08,610.50873734 Wait to bleed, wait and bleed. 104 00:12:10,80.50873734 --> 00:12:14,700.50873734 How can this be meant to be against all odds and gone with odds? I wait. 105 00:12:15,270.50873734 --> 00:12:19,620.50873734 I lay here, scared to pee, afraid of what I will or won't see. 106 00:12:21,390.50873734 --> 00:12:21,930.50873734 Wait. 107 00:12:23,10.50873734 --> 00:12:25,20.50873734 I go to work through tears and cramps. 108 00:12:25,20.50873734 --> 00:12:28,80.50873734 I count the drawer five 10. 109 00:12:28,695.50873734 --> 00:12:30,885.50873734 15, 20, 25, 30. 110 00:12:30,975.50873734 --> 00:12:31,935.50873734 I squeeze shut. 111 00:12:32,175.50873734 --> 00:12:34,275.50873734 35 40, 45, 50. 112 00:12:34,275.50873734 --> 00:12:37,635.50873734 Trembling Chin, 55, 60, 75. 113 00:12:41,115.50873734 --> 00:12:42,195.50873734 Shuttering breath. 114 00:12:45,585.50873734 --> 00:12:49,185.50873734 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 6 weeks of pain. 115 00:12:49,185.50873734 --> 00:12:51,315.50873734 Try to escape, but they can't be here. 116 00:12:52,395.50873734 --> 00:12:54,315.50873734 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. 117 00:12:55,185.50873734 --> 00:12:56,625.50873734 Maybe that's why I'm here. 118 00:12:56,640.50873734 --> 00:12:59,460.50873734 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. 119 00:12:59,790.50873734 --> 00:13:01,410.50873734 I'm afraid not to be here. 120 00:13:02,370.50873734 --> 00:13:04,350.50873734 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. 121 00:13:05,400.50873734 --> 00:13:07,620.50873734 Relieved that I'm not allowed to feel here. 122 00:13:09,480.50873734 --> 00:13:11,430.50873734 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. 123 00:13:11,940.50873734 --> 00:13:15,120.50873734 Feelings don't have permission under the fluorescent lights here. 124 00:13:16,585.50873734 --> 00:13:18,600.50873734 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. 125 00:13:19,380.50873734 --> 00:13:22,710.50873734 Are you still here? I love you. 126 00:13:22,710.50873734 --> 00:13:23,280.50873734 I love you. 127 00:13:23,280.50873734 --> 00:13:24,360.50873734 I love you forever. 128 00:13:24,360.50873734 --> 00:13:24,960.50873734 Please stay. 129 00:13:26,535.50873734 --> 00:13:28,545.50873734 25, 50, 75 a dollar. 130 00:13:29,445.50873734 --> 00:13:30,45.50873734 I'll stay. 131 00:13:30,45.50873734 --> 00:13:31,335.50873734 I won't even drink water. 132 00:13:31,365.50873734 --> 00:13:35,475.50873734 Will that help you stay? 25 50, 75 a dollar. 133 00:13:36,495.50873734 --> 00:13:43,305.50873734 Then can you stay 10, 20, 30, 40, 50? I wish my mother had the right thing to say. 134 00:13:43,935.50873734 --> 00:13:46,335.50873734 I was born of her somehow meant to be. 135 00:13:46,935.50873734 --> 00:13:56,190.50873734 Why can't you be born to me? It is not my fault, but somehow easier if it would be something to point to, something to know, something to see. 136 00:13:56,940.50873734 --> 00:13:58,200.50873734 But there's nothing to point to. 137 00:13:58,200.50873734 --> 00:13:59,100.50873734 Nothing to know. 138 00:13:59,100.50873734 --> 00:14:03,810.50873734 Evaporated lines and dreams and memories and what feels like what's left of me. 139 00:14:05,400.50873734 --> 00:14:06,540.50873734 And still I wait. 140 00:14:08,250.50873734 --> 00:14:10,290.50873734 'cause it always going to happen like this. 141 00:14:11,370.50873734 --> 00:14:12,390.50873734 I just couldn't see. 142 00:14:13,710.50873734 --> 00:14:16,470.50873734 And the weight of the color pink brings me to my knees. 143 00:14:17,820.50873734 --> 00:14:30,960.50873734 In the bathroom, in the bedroom, in the laundry room, I plead, brought to my knees because the weight was over and it was here and now, but here and now three days later and still just pink here and there. 144 00:14:30,960.50873734 --> 00:14:36,30.50873734 Again, I wait holding breath as if it holds you here. 145 00:14:37,200.50873734 --> 00:14:43,470.50873734 I wait in the quiet before the storm everyone tells me is coming, but each day red doesn't come. 146 00:14:43,470.50873734 --> 00:14:45,625.50873734 Begs me to wonder if you're okay. 147 00:14:47,370.50873734 --> 00:14:59,340.50873734 Did you change your mind? Did you decide to stay? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10? Is this denial or is it faith? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. 148 00:15:00,750.50873734 --> 00:15:06,650.50873734 I want to say I trust what's meant to be will be, but I know I only mean it if it gets you here to me. 149 00:15:11,627.06020015 --> 00:15:16,397.06020015 After that horrific appointment, I had convinced myself that so many other things could be at play. 150 00:15:17,297.06020015 --> 00:15:27,17.06020015 The timeline could be messed up, it could be so many other things, things, anything other than the worst thing. 151 00:15:31,97.06020015 --> 00:15:32,692.06020015 A few days later, I started to bleed. 152 00:15:33,662.06020015 --> 00:15:37,922.06020015 And I didn't even recognize the sound of the howl that came out of me as my own. 153 00:15:39,332.06020015 --> 00:15:49,262.06020015 I knew it could still be normal by technical rationale, but I knew I was brought to my knees in almost every corner of my home. 154 00:15:49,772.06020015 --> 00:15:54,432.28424396 The laundry room, the kitchen, the bedroom, my kids' room Brought to my knees without warning. 155 00:15:54,462.28424396 --> 00:15:56,352.28424396 Each time the knowing blew through me. 156 00:15:57,432.28424396 --> 00:16:00,442.28424396 I continued to bleed at my next. 157 00:16:00,462.28424396 --> 00:16:01,2.28424396 Scan. 158 00:16:01,32.28424396 --> 00:16:02,382.28424396 They were able to hear heartbeat. 159 00:16:03,642.28424396 --> 00:16:04,782.28424396 Less than half the rate. 160 00:16:04,782.28424396 --> 00:16:06,522.28424396 It should have been in two weeks. 161 00:16:06,522.28424396 --> 00:16:08,382.28424396 Smaller than expected in measurement. 162 00:16:09,852.28424396 --> 00:16:10,962.28424396 Nothing to do but wait. 163 00:16:12,687.28424396 --> 00:16:13,137.28424396 Nothing. 164 00:16:15,297.28424396 --> 00:16:16,767.28424396 Weeks of drowning in a nightmare. 165 00:16:16,767.28424396 --> 00:16:18,27.28424396 I could not wake up from. 166 00:16:18,597.28424396 --> 00:16:24,357.28424396 The rage I have felt in the last couple months has been more than ever before in my life. 167 00:16:26,7.28424396 --> 00:16:37,947.28424396 Rage for my baby, rage for my family, rage for myself, rage for my body, and rage for how many women I know and love and don't know and still love. 168 00:16:38,457.28424396 --> 00:16:41,517.284244 That know what this impossible pain feels like. 169 00:16:46,227.284244 --> 00:16:50,37.284244 During the time, I was unsure for how much longer I would be pregnant. 170 00:16:50,487.284244 --> 00:16:57,837.284244 I desperately tried to find some form of resolution, some form of knowing or understanding I could rest on in order to find peace. 171 00:16:59,517.284244 --> 00:17:04,287.284244 Peace, not for myself, but so that I could be a nice place for her to be. 172 00:17:05,712.284244 --> 00:17:08,22.284244 I don't know the gender, but I feel like it was a her. 173 00:17:12,162.284244 --> 00:17:17,292.284244 She deserved to rest in a place of peace and not total and utter grief and rage. 174 00:17:18,672.284244 --> 00:17:31,932.284244 But the more I tried to force an understanding, the more I spiraled anything that even remotely sounded comforting, just ended up making me angry, and I ripped it away from myself and scolded myself for trying to make myself feel better. 175 00:17:34,197.284244 --> 00:17:36,237.284244 I even looked up soul contracts. 176 00:17:37,347.284244 --> 00:17:51,267.284244 Somehow I could deal with the fact that there is something I have to learn in this life through this experience, but I could not deal with the thought of a baby, my baby not getting a chance at life. 177 00:17:53,727.284244 --> 00:17:59,817.284244 A friend of mine offered that perhaps she came to give me something and it's not about what I can or can't give her. 178 00:18:02,172.284244 --> 00:18:02,772.284244 I don't know. 179 00:18:04,422.284244 --> 00:18:06,372.284244 I feel so spiritually ungrounded. 180 00:18:06,372.284244 --> 00:18:08,562.284244 I cannot fathom anything at this point. 181 00:18:11,742.284244 --> 00:18:19,452.284244 I've been living and breathing a level of helplessness and despair for what seems like so long yet, only a couple months. 182 00:18:20,262.284244 --> 00:18:22,32.284244 I can't make sense of anything anymore. 183 00:18:24,702.284244 --> 00:18:27,342.284244 It feels like I can't remember life before this. 184 00:18:34,587.284244 --> 00:18:37,557.284244 Indestructible love, born of the faintest line. 185 00:18:37,917.284244 --> 00:18:40,17.284244 A lifetime born in that single line. 186 00:18:41,67.284244 --> 00:18:44,667.284244 A pain that takes your breath away, your words away. 187 00:18:45,447.284244 --> 00:18:47,847.284244 An impossible silence that cannot stay. 188 00:18:48,987.284244 --> 00:18:55,167.284244 Scream your lungs out of the same mouth gasping for reason, an unreasonable ask and unreasonable season. 189 00:18:56,247.284244 --> 00:19:05,847.284244 To bear the weight of a loss so big you can't remember who you were without it to real, to be called a hope or a dream, an ache of a memory. 190 00:19:05,847.284244 --> 00:19:12,597.284244 Never made one that never took place, never took its place on the physical plane. 191 00:19:14,37.284244 --> 00:19:16,677.284244 A miracle taken a womb forsaken. 192 00:19:17,997.284244 --> 00:19:20,757.284244 How could it? Why can't it? Why won't it? How dare it. 193 00:19:23,637.284244 --> 00:19:26,847.284244 Unconditional love, imprisoned by physical conditions. 194 00:19:28,137.284244 --> 00:19:30,207.284244 Silence, shaky, salty air. 195 00:19:30,207.284244 --> 00:19:31,557.284244 Sit with me, see with me. 196 00:19:31,557.284244 --> 00:19:32,397.284244 Stay with me. 197 00:19:32,637.284244 --> 00:19:33,177.284244 Wear. 198 00:19:34,317.284244 --> 00:19:39,597.284244 I see you in moments you'll never be like the saddest ghost story I deeply believe. 199 00:19:43,461.3686795 --> 00:19:54,531.3686795 Will the searing anger ever turn to peace? What is it that makes a memory it needn't to ever be? It isn't something you need to see. 200 00:19:54,531.3686795 --> 00:19:57,171.3686795 It's both active and passive in who you be. 201 00:19:58,251.3686795 --> 00:19:58,971.3686795 It's in the breath. 202 00:19:58,971.3686795 --> 00:20:05,871.3686795 I breathe a lifetime, already lived in a single short line, your lifetime with me. 203 00:20:07,71.3686795 --> 00:20:12,411.3686795 I see it at dinner at bathtime and bedtime in leaves and water and sun. 204 00:20:13,221.3686795 --> 00:20:16,731.3686795 I see it in places and spaces, traces of love. 205 00:20:18,321.3686795 --> 00:20:23,428.3686795 Your memory doesn't need permission to live unbound by condition or vision or reason. 206 00:20:25,496.3686795 --> 00:20:27,106.3686795 This season won't pass. 207 00:20:28,866.3686795 --> 00:20:31,41.3686795 I refuse, but we will move. 208 00:20:32,916.3686795 --> 00:20:42,996.3686795 In every leaf and raindrop and ray of sunshine when I eat and clean and sleep and cry, a memory so deep it never needed to be made. 209 00:20:44,16.3686795 --> 00:20:48,96.3686795 Unconditional love rejects conditions of the physical plane. 210 00:20:49,626.3686795 --> 00:20:53,16.3686795 With every breath I breathe, you will always be. 211 00:20:58,746.3686795 --> 00:21:08,646.3686795 Well, I cannot say that I have made even an inch of progress in making sense or finding peace of this experience. 212 00:21:08,706.3686795 --> 00:21:12,456.3686795 I am undeniably and forever changed. 213 00:21:13,326.3686795 --> 00:21:17,526.3686795 I now need to relearn my insights. 214 00:21:20,316.3686795 --> 00:21:27,336.3686795 To be changed by something that pierces the deepest core of your being and not be able to understand or come to any sort of terms with. 215 00:21:27,336.3686795 --> 00:21:32,136.3686795 It is a special kind of abyss, a throb that doesn't let up. 216 00:21:33,636.3686795 --> 00:21:36,126.3686795 It makes me question everything else in my life. 217 00:21:37,926.3686795 --> 00:21:40,416.3686795 It makes life altogether feel too fragile. 218 00:21:43,356.3686795 --> 00:21:46,146.3686795 It reminds me of the hard edge of our time here. 219 00:21:47,766.3686795 --> 00:22:10,86.3686795 It feels like that notion is supposed to be a gift, but right now it just feels like hell, it feels like a reason to vilify remembering over, forgetting a short word on my choice of SSRI support. 220 00:22:12,6.3686795 --> 00:22:14,406.3686795 'cause I think it's important to talk about. 221 00:22:17,136.3686795 --> 00:22:20,166.3686795 When I found out I was pregnant, I weaned off Zoloft. 222 00:22:20,676.3686795 --> 00:22:25,446.3686795 I first started taking it after a scary period of postpartum anxiety and depression with my firstborn. 223 00:22:26,376.3686795 --> 00:22:31,776.3686795 I tried to wean during my second pregnancy, but with the intensity of the baby's health in question, I just wasn't able to. 224 00:22:33,336.3686795 --> 00:22:35,526.3686795 I was surprised at how easy it was to get off it. 225 00:22:35,526.3686795 --> 00:22:38,136.3686795 With this pregnancy, I didn't even notice a difference. 226 00:22:40,371.3686795 --> 00:22:46,11.3686795 Getting back on, it felt like a difficult decision, one that I resisted until I knew I had to get the DNC procedure. 227 00:22:49,71.3686795 --> 00:22:59,751.3686795 Ultimately, I knew the importance of that type of support and going through hard times for myself from the first time, more so than any feeling of relief. 228 00:23:00,471.3686795 --> 00:23:06,471.3686795 What I remember most, once the fog started to thin after I started taking. 229 00:23:06,891.3686795 --> 00:23:11,241.3686795 The meds was the disturbing realization of how bad it really was. 230 00:23:11,361.3686795 --> 00:23:24,891.3686795 In looking back on my resistance to seek help, I would go outside in the cold San Francisco Knights in a tank top just to feel something I felt like a baby deer, staring at headlights about to be hit, but frozen in place. 231 00:23:27,651.3686795 --> 00:23:30,111.3686795 This time around, my resistance felt different. 232 00:23:31,671.3686795 --> 00:23:35,991.3686795 It felt like some warped loyalty, a pledge to feel everything. 233 00:23:37,71.3686795 --> 00:23:42,681.3686795 As if seeking relief or help was a betrayal to my baby or meant that I refused to feel what was happening. 234 00:23:45,81.3686795 --> 00:23:51,591.3686795 But night after night, the boogeyman came and closing my eyes felt even scarier than being awake. 235 00:23:54,531.3686795 --> 00:24:03,201.3686795 At the end of the day, it was a complete hollow shell of a human, and in that place, not only could I not honor my baby that couldn't stay. 236 00:24:03,906.3686795 --> 00:24:17,736.3686795 But I was taking a whole mother, partner, daughter, friend, and any other identity I have away from myself and those I love being back on Zoloft has put nightlights around my mind. 237 00:24:19,51.3686795 --> 00:24:32,946.3686795 I, before I go, I need to talk about the pictures, the lack of pictures and seeing of the unseen and looking away. 238 00:24:37,986.3686795 --> 00:24:42,246.3686795 I looked away at the moment, it mattered most. 239 00:24:42,606.3686795 --> 00:24:50,526.3686795 I looked away when I went in for that viability ultrasound and the technician was doing the scan. 240 00:24:51,426.3686795 --> 00:24:59,286.3686795 After two minutes or a lifetime of her searching for measurements, I couldn't take it anymore, and I looked away. 241 00:25:01,341.3686795 --> 00:25:03,441.3686795 I looked at Ben, still looking at the screen. 242 00:25:04,941.3686795 --> 00:25:07,281.3686795 I kn and needed his hand. 243 00:25:08,811.3686795 --> 00:25:13,401.3686795 I couldn't look directly at the source, so I was searching for reassurance through his eyes. 244 00:25:15,591.3686795 --> 00:25:28,161.3686795 His gaze stayed steady for a while, but when he looked away, I instantly flung my arm up over my eyes and squeezed them shut tighter than ever in my life. 245 00:25:30,486.3686795 --> 00:25:40,926.3686795 She said nothing until the very end when she asked, is it possible you mistook the date of your last period? I could barely whisper, no. 246 00:25:42,486.3686795 --> 00:25:44,136.3686795 The doctor will be with you shortly. 247 00:25:46,266.3686795 --> 00:25:56,946.3686795 When she left the room, I crumbled into a ball on the loud paper table and sobbed, and the only thing I could utter was. 248 00:25:58,281.3686795 --> 00:26:00,621.3686795 She didn't print a picture. 249 00:26:02,421.3686795 --> 00:26:03,681.3686795 She didn't print a picture. 250 00:26:09,891.3686795 --> 00:26:20,901.3686795 A few days later when I started to bleed, the only thing I could do was call the hospital and find someone to access the archived image of my ultrasound from that appointment that day. 251 00:26:23,421.3686795 --> 00:26:24,891.3686795 I needed that picture. 252 00:26:25,536.3686795 --> 00:26:27,636.3686795 I desperately needed that picture. 253 00:26:28,866.3686795 --> 00:26:32,196.3686795 I didn't even want to look at that picture, but I needed that picture. 254 00:26:34,686.3686795 --> 00:26:36,756.3686795 They printed it on a disc and mailed it to me. 255 00:26:40,746.3686795 --> 00:26:44,796.3686795 After that appointment, I had other scans and was more proactive in requesting the prints. 256 00:26:44,796.3686795 --> 00:26:47,76.3686795 In the moment I learned my lesson. 257 00:26:47,826.3686795 --> 00:26:54,816.3686795 Perhaps they assume when things aren't, well, you don't want the pictures, but the image on the disc. 258 00:26:55,551.3686795 --> 00:26:57,621.3686795 I don't even have plans to look at it, honestly. 259 00:26:58,341.3686795 --> 00:27:00,591.3686795 I just feel relieved to know it's there. 260 00:27:04,941.3686795 --> 00:27:10,881.3686795 I spend a lot of time thinking about how all the pictures I take aren't the point. 261 00:27:13,71.3686795 --> 00:27:21,321.3686795 The immense satisfaction I feel when I make an image that feels right is so fleeting, everything and nothing at the flip of a coin. 262 00:27:23,571.3686795 --> 00:27:34,791.3686795 But when you're on the ledge of this or nothing, no more opportunities to see, let alone pictures, to take the pictures, take on a haunting magnitude. 263 00:27:36,201.3686795 --> 00:27:40,281.3686795 The picture becomes a life itself because it has to. 264 00:27:42,81.3686795 --> 00:27:43,401.3686795 'cause it has no choice. 265 00:27:48,351.3686795 --> 00:27:52,521.3686795 Now the very images I flinched at are the only ones I have left to hold. 266 00:27:54,21.3686795 --> 00:28:02,421.3686795 I now attempt to love my baby through creative conversation with the few images I have of her bittersweet, abbreviated existence. 267 00:28:04,611.3686795 --> 00:28:10,701.3686795 I think a lot of people miss the insane superpower of photographs writing video. 268 00:28:11,406.3686795 --> 00:28:20,526.3686795 Just documentation in general and the way of self-care, photographs of self-preservation over memory preservation. 269 00:28:23,196.3686795 --> 00:28:26,436.3686795 We are not constrained to only document things we want to remember. 270 00:28:26,646.3686795 --> 00:28:30,966.3686795 In fact, I believe it's even more crucial to document the things we wish to forget. 271 00:28:34,266.3686795 --> 00:28:39,486.3686795 We don't always need to want to reflect on what it is we're seeing and making and living. 272 00:28:40,971.3686795 --> 00:28:45,711.3686795 An acknowledgement, a reverence, a testament to the significance of all of life. 273 00:28:46,641.3686795 --> 00:28:50,181.3686795 Your life never before or never again. 274 00:28:53,241.3686795 --> 00:29:08,751.3686795 The documentation we might never look at for the rest of our days, but somehow the knowing of it being there settles our soul, although I can now have compassion for myself in that painful moment. 275 00:29:10,356.3686795 --> 00:29:24,816.3686795 I still find myself thinking, how could I not look at my baby? I know I could hold onto that moment and make it mean something that cripples me for a lifetime. 276 00:29:25,956.3686795 --> 00:29:34,506.3686795 It would be so easy to drink in the shame of that reaction, especially as someone who has spent a lifetime showing and exploring love through my eyes. 277 00:29:36,741.3686795 --> 00:29:39,621.3686795 But the fact is I didn't have to see her to love her. 278 00:29:41,841.3686795 --> 00:29:46,101.3686795 Looking away wasn't a withholding of love, but a knee-jerk reaction of self-protection. 279 00:29:48,171.3686795 --> 00:29:50,721.3686795 I felt like seeing in that moment would end me. 280 00:29:52,791.3686795 --> 00:30:02,31.3686795 But the knowing that there are these picture portals to bring me closer to her when I can bear it when I need it, that cradles my psyche. 281 00:30:04,911.3686795 --> 00:30:10,161.3686795 That creates space to wrap my mind and heart and soul around a piece of her again and again and again. 282 00:30:12,171.3686795 --> 00:30:17,31.3686795 And if I didn't have those scans, well, I would make new pictures that felt like her. 283 00:30:18,561.3686795 --> 00:30:19,521.3686795 I still will. 284 00:30:19,941.3686795 --> 00:30:25,791.3686795 I actually already do because it's impossible to separate her from anything I do forever on. 285 00:30:29,556.3686795 --> 00:30:37,506.3686795 There are times where I don't give a shit about making images and times where images are the only thing that I can be with vital as air. 286 00:30:39,336.3686795 --> 00:30:44,586.3686795 When we have no words, there are pictures, and pictures aren't enough. 287 00:30:45,276.3686795 --> 00:30:48,876.3686795 We search for words in all of them. 288 00:30:49,986.3686795 --> 00:30:51,126.3686795 We find ourselves. 289 00:30:55,251.3686795 --> 00:30:59,31.3686795 Right now I'm reading It's Okay To Not Be Okay by Megan Devin. 290 00:31:00,411.3686795 --> 00:31:11,511.3686795 She highlights how important it is to witness and tell stories that don't end in triumph or some grand profound learning and growth that gets tied up in a bow of well learned wisdom. 291 00:31:13,401.3686795 --> 00:31:18,951.3686795 Otherwise, we have no idea how to even begin living inside of our own grief, our new reality. 292 00:31:20,556.3686795 --> 00:31:24,726.3686795 It's not something to overcome or climb over or burrow through. 293 00:31:27,6.3686795 --> 00:31:30,546.3686795 It's a continuation of love that can hurt forever. 294 00:31:31,356.3686795 --> 00:31:41,346.3686795 It's not pretty and it's gorgeous and something no one would ever choose, but we can make space for ourselves inside of it. 295 00:31:42,6.3686795 --> 00:31:43,836.3686795 As impossible as it may seem. 296 00:31:48,21.3686795 --> 00:31:49,491.3686795 So, no, I'm not okay. 297 00:31:50,451.3686795 --> 00:31:53,841.3686795 I'm living in a reality that I desperately wanna wake up from, but I cannot. 298 00:31:56,241.3686795 --> 00:31:57,501.3686795 I ache for the baby. 299 00:31:57,561.3686795 --> 00:31:58,581.3686795 I'll never hold. 300 00:32:00,501.3686795 --> 00:32:06,711.3686795 I, and also, I'm deeply committed to holding her in all of the ways I can possibly find. 301 00:32:12,486.3686795 --> 00:32:37,836.3686795 I am both involuntarily and voluntarily beholden to being with all of life, allowing it to do what it must inside of me and outside of me seeing all that I can and forgiving myself when I must blink forever.