November 10, 2021 • 32 mins
1. How can we help women who have experienced domestic violence to move from surviving to thriving?
2. What is the right approach?
Every year thousands of women across the globe are murdered by their intimate partners. The situation is so dire that the prevalence of domestic violence around the world has been labeled the shadow pandemic. The women who are lucky enough to get away from their abusers are often stuck in survival mode, unable to move past their trauma to thrive.
In this episode, I sat down with Leticia Francis, a business mindset coach, who herself suffered years of domestic abuse at the hands of her intimate partner. We discuss her story of not just how she survived the trauma, but most importantly, how she started a new life, took back control of her life, and thrived!
We hope her incredible story and journey from survival to thriving will inspire women who have been through similar domestic abusive experiences to take the necessary steps to move past their trauma so they live a purposeful, meaningful, and fulfilling life. In a nutshell, thrive!
Get access to Leticia's must-have FREE workbook to help you find your bigger purpose in life and thrive. Details available at the end of our podcast conversation.
Subscribe to HerCanvas today to get your answers to the questions that matter most to you, and ultimately, find the inspiration to live your best life.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
What is a shadow pandemic.
If you don't know you're notalone.
I was wondering the same thinguntil I dug a little deeper.
It is the thousands of womenmurdered every year in the hands
of their husbands, boyfriends,or partners.
The latest UN numbers indicatethat 50,000 women are killed
every year by their intimatepartners.
(00:22):
Why shatter though?
You might ask because unlike thecurrent COVID-19 pandemic, these
tragedies are not amplified andhighlighted in the news media
every day.
About a couple of months ago, Icame across three harrowing
stories of domestic violence.
Within one week.
One was of a young woman inLondon who had been murdered by
(00:42):
her boyfriend after callingauthorities for help seven
times, including the day of themurder.
The second was of a seniorvice-president of bank of
America found murdered by herboyfriend in her home in Los
Angeles.
And the last was of a formerPakistani Diplomat's daughter be
headed by a friend in hisparents' home.
(01:04):
I tell these stories, not forshock value, but to drive the
point home that gender-basedviolence is a global pandemic.
And one that does notdiscriminate according to you
and women and the world healthorganization.
One in three women globally, avictims of physical or sexual
violence from a partner andsexual violence from a
(01:25):
non-partner that 736 millionwomen, 641 million of those are
from an intimate partner.
Sadly, the pandemic andquarantine made things worse for
women.
Domestic violence increasedeverywhere across the globe with
some countries seeing muchhigher rates than others.
(01:47):
Many women, lucky enough toescape from their abusers are
oftentimes stuck in survivalmode, unable to move past their
trauma to thrive.
So how can we help women movefrom surviving to thriving?
What is the right approach?
Speaker 2 (02:13):
[inaudible]
Speaker 3 (02:13):
Hey, everyone, welcome to canvas a podcast
where we discuss the topics thatmatter most to women and help us
find the inspiration to live ourbest lives.
I'm your host GDD arranger.
Today I'm joined by LataishaFrancis.
The t-shirt is a businessmindset coach passionate about
helping women get their minds,right?
(02:34):
So they can see the success andfulfillment.
They desire in their lives.
Originally from the muda Latishamountains in England, with her
husband and the kids, the Tisha,his journey to becoming a
business mindset.
Coach has not been easy.
It is a story of triumph againstmany odds, like many women
across the globe.
She endured a decade of domesticabuse in the hands of her
(02:57):
partner.
She's here today to share herstory of not just how she
survived the trauma, but mostimportantly, how she started a
new life, took back control ofher life and thrived.
Welcome to the show Latisha.
Speaker 4 (03:13):
I'm so excited to be here.
Speaker 3 (03:16):
I'm excited to have you on today.
Uh, maybe you can start bytelling us more about your
background and your journey tobecoming a business mindset
coach after quite a traumaticexperience earlier in your life.
Speaker 4 (03:30):
No worries.
So, as you mentioned, I'moriginally from Bermuda.
I was born and raised there.
Um, at the age of seven, I wastold by a family member that my
bar was the reason for myparents divorced.
Both parents remarried birthparents, remarried people that
had zero interests of being inmy life, which led to emotional
(03:54):
abandonment and rejection forme.
Um, as a result, I spent yearslooking for validation, looking
for love, looking foracceptance.
And as a result of that, I endedup in a relationship with a man
that was twice my age at the ageof 14, he was what I had
(04:16):
considered my Knight in shiningarmor, if I'm honest, because at
that time, my relationship withmy parents was very contentious.
I felt very rejected unacceptedby them, which essentially
pushed me into his arms.
(04:37):
And he spent quite a bit of timegrooming me.
And obviously as a child, thatage 14, even though I thought I
was a woman, I thought I knewwhat I needed to do in my life.
I really did it.
And he spent a long period oftime Greely me.
There was a lot of psychologicalabuse that came along with that
(04:58):
relationship.
And obviously as a child, Iwasn't aware of what was
happening.
So he used to constantly remindme that my parents didn't love
me, that he was the only personthat actually cared for me, that
I essentially owed my life tohim.
(05:19):
Um, when I was 17, let me justsay this.
The first time he put his handson me, I was 15 going on 16.
And I knew that that was notwhat a healthy relationship
looked like.
I knew that no man should beputting my hands, putting his
hands on me and I left therelationship.
(05:39):
But when I turned 17, I was inmy 17th year.
I had gotten into a fight withmy mother and I put my hands on
my mother.
She essentially got arestraining order against me.
I received a letter a couple ofdays later from her lawyer
saying that I was no longerallowed at her property.
(06:00):
And if I returned, I will beremoved by the police.
I didn't have a relationshipwith my father at that time.
So rare was I supposed to go asa teenager?
He's put her hands on my, theirmother.
And of course my mother has toall of my relatives and I'm the
problem, right?
(06:21):
So I call this man and ask him,can he take me in?
And he took me in andessentially he made me feel like
I was indebted to him.
I owed him my life.
Um, and I, he eventually marriedhim and I was 19.
(06:43):
And I endured years of physicalabuse, mental torture, um, until
the relationship came to an anas a result of him stabbing me
and I was laughed at the age of22 having to rebuild my life.
(07:08):
And that sounds so crazy that,you know, at 22, you're
rebuilding, but that's what Iwas doing.
I had to press reset.
And I was doing that alone whileliving in a homeless shelter.
And for me, I thought that lifewould magically change once I
(07:30):
ended that relationship, butunfortunately, things got worse
for me.
And I spent nearly 10 yearshaving to step outside of where
I was.
I spent 10 years stuck insurvival mode, if I'm honest.
(07:53):
Um, and which looked like forme, accessing drinking a
continuous toxic situationships, I can't even call them
relationships because they werenot that.
Then I entered relationshipswith people.
I entered relationships withpeople who were emotionally
(08:14):
unavailable to me, which createdfurther trauma for me.
I ended up in relationships withdrug addicts, with married man.
And as a result of myrelationships, I ended up in
jail.
I was arrested on my job.
Um, Vich, which was my, my, my,my breaking point, my rock
(08:43):
bottom.
I remember being in jail and mymom saying to me, why do you
love everyone else more than youlove yourself?
That was the beginning of my,and my journey to getting out of
survival mode.
And as a result of the work thatI did on myself, I eventually
(09:06):
left Bermuda and I moved toEngland.
I focused heavily on mycommercial insurance career and
eventually got to a point whereI realized that I was still
coasting in life.
And I wasn't comfortable withthat anymore.
I worked with a coach during theperiod of time between being in
(09:28):
jail and moving to England.
And that really transformed mylife.
And I was reminded of that whenI was looking for fulfillment
and looking for purpose in life.
And that is how I ended upbecoming a coach.
I am really passionate abouthelping women address their
(09:49):
narratives because my narrativekept me in an endless cycle of
south sabotage for years.
And I understand the importanceof self-awareness and coming to
the place where you are takingcontrol of your own life.
And I thought it was sitting myjourney allowed me to get to a
(10:13):
place of wanting to give back toothers.
And that is how my business wasbarfed.
Speaker 3 (10:21):
Wow.
What an amazing story.
You know, when, um, weconnected, you just mentioned a
little bit of it and I wasintrigued and moved by it, but
now listening to your completejourney, it's even more
(10:42):
phenomenal and amazing how muchyou have endured and survived
and thrived.
I'm so excited to have you onthere, really, because I think
your story is one ofinspiration.
It's one of triumph and, youknow, frankly, it's one that
(11:02):
many women can relate to whohave been through similar
experiences, some moretraumatic, or maybe less
traumatic, but you know, abuseis abuse, right?
Um, so let's dive into somequestions because I'm really
intrigued by this notion of, uh,not really focusing on survival
(11:28):
or getting stuck in survival.
So why are you opposed to theterm survival in relation to
domestic violence?
Speaker 4 (11:36):
The reason why I am a purse to using survival, um, in
reference to domestic violenceis because survival is not the
final destination, the glorifybeing a survival.
You know, he writes songs aboutit.
I'm a survivor, I'm gonna gogive up.
(11:57):
But then we are in survivalmood.
Most of us don't even realizethat we're there.
We sit in a place of fear.
We are, our, our actions arefueled by anxiety and
anticipation of, then we need tosurvive.
(12:20):
Again.
My self sabotage lasted longerthan my actual abuse.
And that was because I wasrunning away from the healing
that I had to do in my mind.
Okay.
I didn't die.
And that was for me was goodenough, but I became complacent
(12:44):
and my complacency allowed me tocontinue to experience those
events older.
They will not physical abuse.
I was still in situations ofabuse.
I was abusing myself if I'mhonest, because I did not allow
myself to process the pain toprocess the healing that I
(13:08):
needed in order for me to beginto thrive.
A lot of us who survive domesticabuse situations, often label
ourselves as victim.
When we are a victim, weessentially give away our power.
(13:30):
We resign ourselves to the factthat life is happening to us
instead of us happening to life.
So for me, getting comfortablewith being a survivor, telling a
story of being a victim onlyimpacts us.
(13:51):
And it impacts us in a negativeway.
Then we start moving away fromvictim hood or survival mood.
That is when we actually draw myengineer, who has a Korean.
I absolutely cannot could itverbatim, but she essentially
said survival was not my E beinga thriver was right.
(14:19):
And I think, you know, for me,those words are significant.
The words that we use aresignificant.
And I just, I don't like usingsurvivor because survivor
indicates being in survivalmode.
It indicates living through thatstress over and over, unable to
(14:40):
take that and move forward.
I think as women, as anyone,this is not just to women,
anyone that has survived traumahas experienced trauma.
We cannot be comfortable withjust surviving it.
Our goods should be gettingthrough it, healing through it.
(15:03):
And then coming on the otherside of that in a way that
empowers us and then alsoempowers others, I believe that
our purpose in life is to beimpactful and we cannot be
impactful when we are insurvival mode.
Speaker 3 (15:21):
That is powerful.
You said so many things that, uh, uh, so powerful.
You know, one of the things thatyou said is that when you are in
survival mode, you are stuck inyour trauma, right?
Like you're reliving it.
And to your point, that wordsurvival is used so much that we
(15:46):
say very nonchalantly, right?
I'm surviving.
And what's a powerful, as yousaid, because when you say you
are something, you become it.
So, and then the other thingthat you said was that you were
self-sabotaging yourself becauseyou were running away from your
(16:06):
pain and your healing.
So you stayed in that place.
And I believe that there are somany women who are listening
today, who are probably stuck inthat place.
And just hearing your story andhearing you say, Hey, get away
from that, move on from thatsurvival mode.
And, but the question thenbecomes how right?
(16:31):
What is the right approach?
Because I think with most thingsit's easiest to have been done,
right?
Who were so used to saying, I'ma survivor I'm surviving.
And here's how I'm surviving.
How do you get women to see thatsurvival is not the place where
they need to be, and that theyneed to move on to that they can
(16:53):
thrive.
Speaker 4 (16:54):
Committing to healing is the most important thing that
you can do after survival.
And a lot of people do notcommit to it because of the pain
that's associated, right?
The either move towards pleasureor away from pain.
And most people find the healingprocess more painful than the
(17:18):
actual events, right?
So I always tell my clients oranyone that I'm talking to you
consider this consider having ahorrible injury, like a cot that
you ignore, right?
Your pain, your, your trauma isthat caught the more you ignore
(17:41):
it, do not treat it.
Do not put any antiseptic on it.
The quicker it becomes afestering room.
I see painful.
Oftentimes the scan around thearea becomes infected.
That is what we are doing byignoring our healing, cleaning
(18:04):
out that reunion, putting on theantiseptic.
Yes, that's painful.
Sometimes it hurts way more thanthe Cod itself, but addressing
it and doing something about it,to help further your healing
process older, that part is themost painful part each day,
(18:26):
after which your pain decreases.
So you have two choices in life.
Ignore that rune, that traumaand all that will happen is the
pain associated with that willcontinue to grow.
Or you commit to the healingprocess.
You Xperience the pain again,but the pain every day after
(18:51):
that will continue to diminishtill you get to a point where
you almost forget how painfulthe pain was.
That to me is what we all needto do in order to move beyond
our trauma in order to movebeyond the, the, the pain that
(19:12):
is associated with what we'vebeen through and to start really
healing and really thriving.
Speaker 3 (19:19):
Absolutely.
You know, being committed tosomething is not easy because
then you have to really, likeyou said, work towards it.
Um, I think what really caughtmy attention was the comparison
you made to easier to take careof a wound because you could see
it, right.
(19:40):
And you can feel it almostsometimes when you look at a cut
or something like that, and it'sbleeding and you're like, oh my
gosh, you know, it's rightthere.
And the severity of it is rightthere.
I think what makes it difficultwhen it's emotional or mental
pains that you can't see it.
So it's very easy to squash it.
(20:02):
And I love that you gave thatexample because it really, it
makes it visible, right?
It makes the pain visible whenyou compare it to a cut or, you
know, breaking something on yourbody or something like that.
So I think that's going to behelpful for a lot of people when
they hear it.
Um, so are there any additionaltools, um, other than, you know,
(20:26):
being committed that women cantap into to help them thrive?
I
Speaker 4 (20:31):
Like to encourage journaling journaling
self-reflection that is all keyto moving into a thriving
situation, being self aware.
A lot of times we do not realizethe impact of our emotions, the
impact of running away from ouremotions, in some cases, and
(20:56):
spending some time reflectingand getting honest with
ourselves is so important.
I think we can do that throughusing journal prompts.
There are prompts on live theinternet.
If I'm honest, that are reallytargeted to help you start
digging into what it is that youneed to explore for yourself,
(21:19):
spending those days committed tospending days journaling,
exploring your emotions, gettinghonest about how you feel is
very, very important.
Self-awareness is the key togrowth.
Um, I often liken it to alighthouse.
Oftentimes when we areexperiencing the pain associated
(21:44):
with trauma, it can be likeliking to being in the middle of
the ocean.
And on a dark stormy night, wereally have no awareness of what
is around us.
What's in front of us, what'sbehind us and a lighthouse as we
approach land is something thatshines a light in a circular
motion for maybe 30 seconds.
(22:06):
But that 30 seconds is enough tolight the path ahead to give us
an indication of what is tocome, so that it be on path to
Shiprock.
We have the opportunity toactually change our path, right?
So having self-awareness is thatit's just the same as a
(22:29):
lighthouse.
It gives us an opportunity tochange our perspective and then
to take action based on thatchange perspective, which
essentially helps us to changeour lives.
So for me, self-awareness isdefinitely key.
And I believe that we, if wejournal, if we seek healing
through professional services,this is what allows us to build
(22:52):
that muscle that will help us tobe in a position to change our
perspective so that we can takeaction.
That will move us towards wherewe want to actually be.
Speaker 3 (23:04):
It was incredible.
And I have to agree with youthat self-awareness is key and
not the easiest thing to do tobe self-aware.
Speaker 4 (23:15):
That's why use muscle muscle, right?
Because the all habit.
Yes.
But it's not always bulky.
It's not always bulky.
So we have to do things to buildup that muscle.
And it's about practicing.
There were points in time in mylife that I was literally
(23:36):
clueless as to how my actionswere impacting me.
Right.
Then I began to see that I wasin a position where, oh my gosh,
I'm in so much control nowbecause I can do something about
it.
Right.
Speaker 3 (23:56):
That's powerful.
And one thing you also said thatI didn't know about, and I'm
happy that you said is thatthere were a journal prompts out
there that can help you startJohn, John willing, and really
exploring your emotions andbeing honest with yourself,
which also is a tough thing todo.
(24:19):
A lot of times when you start tobe honest with yourself, at
least I'm talking for myself.
I find myself stopping myselfsometimes because I don't want
to, I don't want to go there.
Um, and I think that part ofhealing comes from an
understanding of what you'regoing through.
(24:41):
And if you're not being honestwith yourself, how can you even
start that journey?
Speaker 4 (24:46):
Absolutely.
And you know, that's why I saidit started for commitment.
If you write it is hard, we arepsychologically wired to avoid
pain.
Our subconscious steps up andsays, no girl, we are not giving
on that read today because it'sgoing to be too painful.
But if we can learn to changethat narrative is we can change
(25:08):
our perspective about what painactually is.
We will see that by notaddressing it via creating a
pain for ourselves.
And we sit in it, it's like acat sitting in its vomit, right?
We do not need to do that.
So yesterday is painful and yes,we are absolutely wired to avoid
(25:32):
pain.
We either move towards pleasureor away from pain, right?
So if we can change ournarrative around that pain,
really, uh, you know, embracethat, yes, it is painful.
However, the woman that I'mgoing to be, or the person that
I'm going to be on the otherside is going to be a powerful
(25:52):
woman or a powerful person thatactually helps to reprogram our
subconscious to wanting to dothis because it becomes
pleasurable.
We have a reward at the end ofthis.
So it's all about how we framethings, how we look at things,
(26:12):
because that is the key.
Sometimes we literally have totrick our brain into cooperate
them if us and that's thoughtswith the narratives that we are
holding.
Speaker 3 (26:24):
That's amazing.
Oh my gosh, this has beenamazing.
Now, before we close out, isthere anything else that you
want to add?
Any additional tools?
Speaker 4 (26:35):
I just want to say this, if I'm honest, my favorite
clue, and it's my own to walk asif every step you take is about
to create an avalanche becauseyou're here to change the world.
(26:57):
And I believe whole heartedly.
It is all responsibility to turnour mass into a message, to turn
our tasks into a testimony andto share our stories so that it
can be hope and inspiration toothers.
(27:19):
Then we met the last time I saidto you, you know, women are
selfish.
We don't share our stories.
Don't share our experiences,which is why a lot of us are
believing that we are on thisisland experiencing pain, and
we're not.
We are a community and we becomea community.
(27:40):
When we are able to share ourstories, then we are able to let
go of the toxic emotions likeguilt and shame associated with
the experiences that we've beenthrough.
We are actually in a position toimpart change on this art.
All of our stories are there toserve as impact for others.
(28:04):
And I think once we get to thatplace of realizing that we went
through this for a reason we canvan Saad being so impactful.
It is my belief.
If I'm honest that if we canheal the women of the world, we
can change the world.
So to any listeners that are outthere, if you have a story that
(28:26):
can help someone else, even ifyou are still walking through
the darkest moments, yourself,being able to share your story,
it creates a community aroundyou that can help you move
forward.
Your role in life is to make animpact and you can't do it by
hiding your story and beingshameful of your story.
Speaker 3 (28:49):
We have to leave it there, cause that was just two
phenomenal and powerful.
Wow.
There's so many quotes I cantake from there.
I mean, just saying that sharingyour story creates a community
around you is super powerful.
And I believe for a lot of us,uh, for a lot of women,
sometimes we lose sight of that.
(29:11):
And we think that what we'regoing through is unique to us.
And if only we knew that therewas someone else going through
that, uh, the journey to getthrough, it might be easier.
Thank you.
Thank you for joining me todayand sharing your amazing story
of survival and triumphs.
It has been extremely insightfulto me, uh, and helpful, and I'm
(29:34):
sure to our listeners as well.
I really appreciate your timewith Teesha.
Speaker 4 (29:38):
Thank you for having me now.
Our
Speaker 3 (29:41):
Listeners want to learn more.
How can they get in touch withyou?
Speaker 4 (29:45):
Black race coaching on Instagram or black risk
coaching.com.
Black is spout.
Be out a Q U E.
It's actually my nickname.
So, uh, I spend a lot of time onInstagram.
So if you reach out to me onInstagram, let me know that
you've heard this podcast.
(30:06):
We can start a conversation.
I'm very chatty.
I love connecting.
So reach out to Sydney, sayhello.
Speaker 3 (30:15):
That's wonderful.
And then also awesome news forour listeners.
The t-shirt is actually givingyou a free workbook, titled five
steps to finding your purpose inlife.
So head on over to our Facebookgroup, gap news women, where I
will be posting the link to theguide right after the show.
Once again, Latitia, thank youso much for joining us.
(30:36):
There was so many awesomenuggets of information in here,
and maybe we'll even have a parttwo, one day, right?
Speaker 4 (30:45):
I'm open.
I'm definitely.
Speaker 3 (30:48):
It was great having you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (30:53):
Survival is not the final destination.
It is the beginning of thehealing process.
Our goal is to get through it,heal through it and come out of
the other side in a way thatempowers us and others around us
through journalingself-reflection and
self-awareness we can build amuscle.
We need to change ourperspective and narrative, which
(31:16):
helps us change our lives.
Because when we move from victimhood and survival, we thrive.
We can not sit on the sidelineson the issue of domestic
violence anymore.
We've got to be loud about ituntil the voices of women are
heard.
We've got to give women thetools to survive and thrive.
We have the responsibility tosave lives by providing women
(31:39):
and girls, the safety insecuritythey deserve as human beings.
That's all for our show today.
Be sure to subscribe to ourpodcast on apple podcasts,
Spotify, Google podcasts, andPandora.
One to continue thisconversation connect with our
Facebook community at gap usewomen.
As I mentioned earlier in ourconversation, I will be posting
(32:01):
Leticia's free workbook, fivesteps to finding your purpose in
life right after the show, Iwill also be posting a link to a
document with domestic violenceprevention, advocacy, and
support resources that wecompiled for our gap museum and
community.
You can also discover moredomestic violence resources on
(32:21):
our blog.
Got new start com until nexttime, stay safe and find the
inspiration to live your bestlife.
Speaker 2 (32:42):
[inaudible].
What is a shadow pandemic.
If you don't know you're notalone.
I was wondering the same thinguntil I dug a little deeper.
It is the thousands of womenmurdered every year in the hands
of their husbands, boyfriends,or partners.
The latest UN numbers indicatethat 50,000 women are killed
every year by their intimatepartners.
(00:22):
Why shatter though?
You might ask because unlike thecurrent COVID-19 pandemic, these
tragedies are not amplified andhighlighted in the news media
every day.
About a couple of months ago, Icame across three harrowing
stories of domestic violence.
Within one week.
One was of a young woman inLondon who had been murdered by
(00:42):
her boyfriend after callingauthorities for help seven
times, including the day of themurder.
The second was of a seniorvice-president of bank of
America found murdered by herboyfriend in her home in Los
Angeles.
And the last was of a formerPakistani Diplomat's daughter be
headed by a friend in hisparents' home.
(01:04):
I tell these stories, not forshock value, but to drive the
point home that gender-basedviolence is a global pandemic.
And one that does notdiscriminate according to you
and women and the world healthorganization.
One in three women globally, avictims of physical or sexual
violence from a partner andsexual violence from a
(01:25):
non-partner that 736 millionwomen, 641 million of those are
from an intimate partner.
Sadly, the pandemic andquarantine made things worse for
women.
Domestic violence increasedeverywhere across the globe with
some countries seeing muchhigher rates than others.
(01:47):
Many women, lucky enough toescape from their abusers are
oftentimes stuck in survivalmode, unable to move past their
trauma to thrive.
So how can we help women movefrom surviving to thriving?
What is the right approach?
Speaker 2 (02:13):
[inaudible]
Speaker 3 (02:13):
Hey, everyone, welcome to canvas a podcast
where we discuss the topics thatmatter most to women and help us
find the inspiration to live ourbest lives.
I'm your host GDD arranger.
Today I'm joined by LataishaFrancis.
The t-shirt is a businessmindset coach passionate about
helping women get their minds,right?
(02:34):
So they can see the success andfulfillment.
They desire in their lives.
Originally from the muda Latishamountains in England, with her
husband and the kids, the Tisha,his journey to becoming a
business mindset.
Coach has not been easy.
It is a story of triumph againstmany odds, like many women
across the globe.
She endured a decade of domesticabuse in the hands of her
(02:57):
partner.
She's here today to share herstory of not just how she
survived the trauma, but mostimportantly, how she started a
new life, took back control ofher life and thrived.
Welcome to the show Latisha.
Speaker 4 (03:13):
I'm so excited to be here.
Speaker 3 (03:16):
I'm excited to have you on today.
Uh, maybe you can start bytelling us more about your
background and your journey tobecoming a business mindset
coach after quite a traumaticexperience earlier in your life.
Speaker 4 (03:30):
No worries.
So, as you mentioned, I'moriginally from Bermuda.
I was born and raised there.
Um, at the age of seven, I wastold by a family member that my
bar was the reason for myparents divorced.
Both parents remarried birthparents, remarried people that
had zero interests of being inmy life, which led to emotional
(03:54):
abandonment and rejection forme.
Um, as a result, I spent yearslooking for validation, looking
for love, looking foracceptance.
And as a result of that, I endedup in a relationship with a man
that was twice my age at the ageof 14, he was what I had
(04:16):
considered my Knight in shiningarmor, if I'm honest, because at
that time, my relationship withmy parents was very contentious.
I felt very rejected unacceptedby them, which essentially
pushed me into his arms.
(04:37):
And he spent quite a bit of timegrooming me.
And obviously as a child, thatage 14, even though I thought I
was a woman, I thought I knewwhat I needed to do in my life.
I really did it.
And he spent a long period oftime Greely me.
There was a lot of psychologicalabuse that came along with that
(04:58):
relationship.
And obviously as a child, Iwasn't aware of what was
happening.
So he used to constantly remindme that my parents didn't love
me, that he was the only personthat actually cared for me, that
I essentially owed my life tohim.
(05:19):
Um, when I was 17, let me justsay this.
The first time he put his handson me, I was 15 going on 16.
And I knew that that was notwhat a healthy relationship
looked like.
I knew that no man should beputting my hands, putting his
hands on me and I left therelationship.
(05:39):
But when I turned 17, I was inmy 17th year.
I had gotten into a fight withmy mother and I put my hands on
my mother.
She essentially got arestraining order against me.
I received a letter a couple ofdays later from her lawyer
saying that I was no longerallowed at her property.
(06:00):
And if I returned, I will beremoved by the police.
I didn't have a relationshipwith my father at that time.
So rare was I supposed to go asa teenager?
He's put her hands on my, theirmother.
And of course my mother has toall of my relatives and I'm the
problem, right?
(06:21):
So I call this man and ask him,can he take me in?
And he took me in andessentially he made me feel like
I was indebted to him.
I owed him my life.
Um, and I, he eventually marriedhim and I was 19.
(06:43):
And I endured years of physicalabuse, mental torture, um, until
the relationship came to an anas a result of him stabbing me
and I was laughed at the age of22 having to rebuild my life.
(07:08):
And that sounds so crazy that,you know, at 22, you're
rebuilding, but that's what Iwas doing.
I had to press reset.
And I was doing that alone whileliving in a homeless shelter.
And for me, I thought that lifewould magically change once I
(07:30):
ended that relationship, butunfortunately, things got worse
for me.
And I spent nearly 10 yearshaving to step outside of where
I was.
I spent 10 years stuck insurvival mode, if I'm honest.
(07:53):
Um, and which looked like forme, accessing drinking a
continuous toxic situationships, I can't even call them
relationships because they werenot that.
Then I entered relationshipswith people.
I entered relationships withpeople who were emotionally
(08:14):
unavailable to me, which createdfurther trauma for me.
I ended up in relationships withdrug addicts, with married man.
And as a result of myrelationships, I ended up in
jail.
I was arrested on my job.
Um, Vich, which was my, my, my,my breaking point, my rock
(08:43):
bottom.
I remember being in jail and mymom saying to me, why do you
love everyone else more than youlove yourself?
That was the beginning of my,and my journey to getting out of
survival mode.
And as a result of the work thatI did on myself, I eventually
(09:06):
left Bermuda and I moved toEngland.
I focused heavily on mycommercial insurance career and
eventually got to a point whereI realized that I was still
coasting in life.
And I wasn't comfortable withthat anymore.
I worked with a coach during theperiod of time between being in
(09:28):
jail and moving to England.
And that really transformed mylife.
And I was reminded of that whenI was looking for fulfillment
and looking for purpose in life.
And that is how I ended upbecoming a coach.
I am really passionate abouthelping women address their
(09:49):
narratives because my narrativekept me in an endless cycle of
south sabotage for years.
And I understand the importanceof self-awareness and coming to
the place where you are takingcontrol of your own life.
And I thought it was sitting myjourney allowed me to get to a
(10:13):
place of wanting to give back toothers.
And that is how my business wasbarfed.
Speaker 3 (10:21):
Wow.
What an amazing story.
You know, when, um, weconnected, you just mentioned a
little bit of it and I wasintrigued and moved by it, but
now listening to your completejourney, it's even more
(10:42):
phenomenal and amazing how muchyou have endured and survived
and thrived.
I'm so excited to have you onthere, really, because I think
your story is one ofinspiration.
It's one of triumph and, youknow, frankly, it's one that
(11:02):
many women can relate to whohave been through similar
experiences, some moretraumatic, or maybe less
traumatic, but you know, abuseis abuse, right?
Um, so let's dive into somequestions because I'm really
intrigued by this notion of, uh,not really focusing on survival
(11:28):
or getting stuck in survival.
So why are you opposed to theterm survival in relation to
domestic violence?
Speaker 4 (11:36):
The reason why I am a purse to using survival, um, in
reference to domestic violenceis because survival is not the
final destination, the glorifybeing a survival.
You know, he writes songs aboutit.
I'm a survivor, I'm gonna gogive up.
(11:57):
But then we are in survivalmood.
Most of us don't even realizethat we're there.
We sit in a place of fear.
We are, our, our actions arefueled by anxiety and
anticipation of, then we need tosurvive.
(12:20):
Again.
My self sabotage lasted longerthan my actual abuse.
And that was because I wasrunning away from the healing
that I had to do in my mind.
Okay.
I didn't die.
And that was for me was goodenough, but I became complacent
(12:44):
and my complacency allowed me tocontinue to experience those
events older.
They will not physical abuse.
I was still in situations ofabuse.
I was abusing myself if I'mhonest, because I did not allow
myself to process the pain toprocess the healing that I
(13:08):
needed in order for me to beginto thrive.
A lot of us who survive domesticabuse situations, often label
ourselves as victim.
When we are a victim, weessentially give away our power.
(13:30):
We resign ourselves to the factthat life is happening to us
instead of us happening to life.
So for me, getting comfortablewith being a survivor, telling a
story of being a victim onlyimpacts us.
(13:51):
And it impacts us in a negativeway.
Then we start moving away fromvictim hood or survival mood.
That is when we actually draw myengineer, who has a Korean.
I absolutely cannot could itverbatim, but she essentially
said survival was not my E beinga thriver was right.
(14:19):
And I think, you know, for me,those words are significant.
The words that we use aresignificant.
And I just, I don't like usingsurvivor because survivor
indicates being in survivalmode.
It indicates living through thatstress over and over, unable to
(14:40):
take that and move forward.
I think as women, as anyone,this is not just to women,
anyone that has survived traumahas experienced trauma.
We cannot be comfortable withjust surviving it.
Our goods should be gettingthrough it, healing through it.
(15:03):
And then coming on the otherside of that in a way that
empowers us and then alsoempowers others, I believe that
our purpose in life is to beimpactful and we cannot be
impactful when we are insurvival mode.
Speaker 3 (15:21):
That is powerful.
You said so many things that, uh, uh, so powerful.
You know, one of the things thatyou said is that when you are in
survival mode, you are stuck inyour trauma, right?
Like you're reliving it.
And to your point, that wordsurvival is used so much that we
(15:46):
say very nonchalantly, right?
I'm surviving.
And what's a powerful, as yousaid, because when you say you
are something, you become it.
So, and then the other thingthat you said was that you were
self-sabotaging yourself becauseyou were running away from your
(16:06):
pain and your healing.
So you stayed in that place.
And I believe that there are somany women who are listening
today, who are probably stuck inthat place.
And just hearing your story andhearing you say, Hey, get away
from that, move on from thatsurvival mode.
And, but the question thenbecomes how right?
(16:31):
What is the right approach?
Because I think with most thingsit's easiest to have been done,
right?
Who were so used to saying, I'ma survivor I'm surviving.
And here's how I'm surviving.
How do you get women to see thatsurvival is not the place where
they need to be, and that theyneed to move on to that they can
(16:53):
thrive.
Speaker 4 (16:54):
Committing to healing is the most important thing that
you can do after survival.
And a lot of people do notcommit to it because of the pain
that's associated, right?
The either move towards pleasureor away from pain.
And most people find the healingprocess more painful than the
(17:18):
actual events, right?
So I always tell my clients oranyone that I'm talking to you
consider this consider having ahorrible injury, like a cot that
you ignore, right?
Your pain, your, your trauma isthat caught the more you ignore
(17:41):
it, do not treat it.
Do not put any antiseptic on it.
The quicker it becomes afestering room.
I see painful.
Oftentimes the scan around thearea becomes infected.
That is what we are doing byignoring our healing, cleaning
(18:04):
out that reunion, putting on theantiseptic.
Yes, that's painful.
Sometimes it hurts way more thanthe Cod itself, but addressing
it and doing something about it,to help further your healing
process older, that part is themost painful part each day,
(18:26):
after which your pain decreases.
So you have two choices in life.
Ignore that rune, that traumaand all that will happen is the
pain associated with that willcontinue to grow.
Or you commit to the healingprocess.
You Xperience the pain again,but the pain every day after
(18:51):
that will continue to diminishtill you get to a point where
you almost forget how painfulthe pain was.
That to me is what we all needto do in order to move beyond
our trauma in order to movebeyond the, the, the pain that
(19:12):
is associated with what we'vebeen through and to start really
healing and really thriving.
Speaker 3 (19:19):
Absolutely.
You know, being committed tosomething is not easy because
then you have to really, likeyou said, work towards it.
Um, I think what really caughtmy attention was the comparison
you made to easier to take careof a wound because you could see
it, right.
(19:40):
And you can feel it almostsometimes when you look at a cut
or something like that, and it'sbleeding and you're like, oh my
gosh, you know, it's rightthere.
And the severity of it is rightthere.
I think what makes it difficultwhen it's emotional or mental
pains that you can't see it.
So it's very easy to squash it.
(20:02):
And I love that you gave thatexample because it really, it
makes it visible, right?
It makes the pain visible whenyou compare it to a cut or, you
know, breaking something on yourbody or something like that.
So I think that's going to behelpful for a lot of people when
they hear it.
Um, so are there any additionaltools, um, other than, you know,
(20:26):
being committed that women cantap into to help them thrive?
I
Speaker 4 (20:31):
Like to encourage journaling journaling
self-reflection that is all keyto moving into a thriving
situation, being self aware.
A lot of times we do not realizethe impact of our emotions, the
impact of running away from ouremotions, in some cases, and
(20:56):
spending some time reflectingand getting honest with
ourselves is so important.
I think we can do that throughusing journal prompts.
There are prompts on live theinternet.
If I'm honest, that are reallytargeted to help you start
digging into what it is that youneed to explore for yourself,
(21:19):
spending those days committed tospending days journaling,
exploring your emotions, gettinghonest about how you feel is
very, very important.
Self-awareness is the key togrowth.
Um, I often liken it to alighthouse.
Oftentimes when we areexperiencing the pain associated
(21:44):
with trauma, it can be likeliking to being in the middle of
the ocean.
And on a dark stormy night, wereally have no awareness of what
is around us.
What's in front of us, what'sbehind us and a lighthouse as we
approach land is something thatshines a light in a circular
motion for maybe 30 seconds.
(22:06):
But that 30 seconds is enough tolight the path ahead to give us
an indication of what is tocome, so that it be on path to
Shiprock.
We have the opportunity toactually change our path, right?
So having self-awareness is thatit's just the same as a
(22:29):
lighthouse.
It gives us an opportunity tochange our perspective and then
to take action based on thatchange perspective, which
essentially helps us to changeour lives.
So for me, self-awareness isdefinitely key.
And I believe that we, if wejournal, if we seek healing
through professional services,this is what allows us to build
(22:52):
that muscle that will help us tobe in a position to change our
perspective so that we can takeaction.
That will move us towards wherewe want to actually be.
Speaker 3 (23:04):
It was incredible.
And I have to agree with youthat self-awareness is key and
not the easiest thing to do tobe self-aware.
Speaker 4 (23:15):
That's why use muscle muscle, right?
Because the all habit.
Yes.
But it's not always bulky.
It's not always bulky.
So we have to do things to buildup that muscle.
And it's about practicing.
There were points in time in mylife that I was literally
(23:36):
clueless as to how my actionswere impacting me.
Right.
Then I began to see that I wasin a position where, oh my gosh,
I'm in so much control nowbecause I can do something about
it.
Right.
Speaker 3 (23:56):
That's powerful.
And one thing you also said thatI didn't know about, and I'm
happy that you said is thatthere were a journal prompts out
there that can help you startJohn, John willing, and really
exploring your emotions andbeing honest with yourself,
which also is a tough thing todo.
(24:19):
A lot of times when you start tobe honest with yourself, at
least I'm talking for myself.
I find myself stopping myselfsometimes because I don't want
to, I don't want to go there.
Um, and I think that part ofhealing comes from an
understanding of what you'regoing through.
(24:41):
And if you're not being honestwith yourself, how can you even
start that journey?
Speaker 4 (24:46):
Absolutely.
And you know, that's why I saidit started for commitment.
If you write it is hard, we arepsychologically wired to avoid
pain.
Our subconscious steps up andsays, no girl, we are not giving
on that read today because it'sgoing to be too painful.
But if we can learn to changethat narrative is we can change
(25:08):
our perspective about what painactually is.
We will see that by notaddressing it via creating a
pain for ourselves.
And we sit in it, it's like acat sitting in its vomit, right?
We do not need to do that.
So yesterday is painful and yes,we are absolutely wired to avoid
(25:32):
pain.
We either move towards pleasureor away from pain, right?
So if we can change ournarrative around that pain,
really, uh, you know, embracethat, yes, it is painful.
However, the woman that I'mgoing to be, or the person that
I'm going to be on the otherside is going to be a powerful
(25:52):
woman or a powerful person thatactually helps to reprogram our
subconscious to wanting to dothis because it becomes
pleasurable.
We have a reward at the end ofthis.
So it's all about how we framethings, how we look at things,
(26:12):
because that is the key.
Sometimes we literally have totrick our brain into cooperate
them if us and that's thoughtswith the narratives that we are
holding.
Speaker 3 (26:24):
That's amazing.
Oh my gosh, this has beenamazing.
Now, before we close out, isthere anything else that you
want to add?
Any additional tools?
Speaker 4 (26:35):
I just want to say this, if I'm honest, my favorite
clue, and it's my own to walk asif every step you take is about
to create an avalanche becauseyou're here to change the world.
(26:57):
And I believe whole heartedly.
It is all responsibility to turnour mass into a message, to turn
our tasks into a testimony andto share our stories so that it
can be hope and inspiration toothers.
(27:19):
Then we met the last time I saidto you, you know, women are
selfish.
We don't share our stories.
Don't share our experiences,which is why a lot of us are
believing that we are on thisisland experiencing pain, and
we're not.
We are a community and we becomea community.
(27:40):
When we are able to share ourstories, then we are able to let
go of the toxic emotions likeguilt and shame associated with
the experiences that we've beenthrough.
We are actually in a position toimpart change on this art.
All of our stories are there toserve as impact for others.
(28:04):
And I think once we get to thatplace of realizing that we went
through this for a reason we canvan Saad being so impactful.
It is my belief.
If I'm honest that if we canheal the women of the world, we
can change the world.
So to any listeners that are outthere, if you have a story that
(28:26):
can help someone else, even ifyou are still walking through
the darkest moments, yourself,being able to share your story,
it creates a community aroundyou that can help you move
forward.
Your role in life is to make animpact and you can't do it by
hiding your story and beingshameful of your story.
Speaker 3 (28:49):
We have to leave it there, cause that was just two
phenomenal and powerful.
Wow.
There's so many quotes I cantake from there.
I mean, just saying that sharingyour story creates a community
around you is super powerful.
And I believe for a lot of us,uh, for a lot of women,
sometimes we lose sight of that.
(29:11):
And we think that what we'regoing through is unique to us.
And if only we knew that therewas someone else going through
that, uh, the journey to getthrough, it might be easier.
Thank you.
Thank you for joining me todayand sharing your amazing story
of survival and triumphs.
It has been extremely insightfulto me, uh, and helpful, and I'm
(29:34):
sure to our listeners as well.
I really appreciate your timewith Teesha.
Speaker 4 (29:38):
Thank you for having me now.
Our
Speaker 3 (29:41):
Listeners want to learn more.
How can they get in touch withyou?
Speaker 4 (29:45):
Black race coaching on Instagram or black risk
coaching.com.
Black is spout.
Be out a Q U E.
It's actually my nickname.
So, uh, I spend a lot of time onInstagram.
So if you reach out to me onInstagram, let me know that
you've heard this podcast.
(30:06):
We can start a conversation.
I'm very chatty.
I love connecting.
So reach out to Sydney, sayhello.
Speaker 3 (30:15):
That's wonderful.
And then also awesome news forour listeners.
The t-shirt is actually givingyou a free workbook, titled five
steps to finding your purpose inlife.
So head on over to our Facebookgroup, gap news women, where I
will be posting the link to theguide right after the show.
Once again, Latitia, thank youso much for joining us.
(30:36):
There was so many awesomenuggets of information in here,
and maybe we'll even have a parttwo, one day, right?
Speaker 4 (30:45):
I'm open.
I'm definitely.
Speaker 3 (30:48):
It was great having you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (30:53):
Survival is not the final destination.
It is the beginning of thehealing process.
Our goal is to get through it,heal through it and come out of
the other side in a way thatempowers us and others around us
through journalingself-reflection and
self-awareness we can build amuscle.
We need to change ourperspective and narrative, which
(31:16):
helps us change our lives.
Because when we move from victimhood and survival, we thrive.
We can not sit on the sidelineson the issue of domestic
violence anymore.
We've got to be loud about ituntil the voices of women are
heard.
We've got to give women thetools to survive and thrive.
We have the responsibility tosave lives by providing women
(31:39):
and girls, the safety insecuritythey deserve as human beings.
That's all for our show today.
Be sure to subscribe to ourpodcast on apple podcasts,
Spotify, Google podcasts, andPandora.
One to continue thisconversation connect with our
Facebook community at gap usewomen.
As I mentioned earlier in ourconversation, I will be posting
(32:01):
Leticia's free workbook, fivesteps to finding your purpose in
life right after the show, Iwill also be posting a link to a
document with domestic violenceprevention, advocacy, and
support resources that wecompiled for our gap museum and
community.
You can also discover moredomestic violence resources on
(32:21):
our blog.
Got new start com until nexttime, stay safe and find the
inspiration to live your bestlife.
Speaker 2 (32:42):
[inaudible].
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