60. How to Like Your Partner Again | Resetting the Culture of Your Relationship - Honey, We Need to Chat

Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Have you ever found yourself thinking I just don't like my
partner that much? Or wondering is there any love
left between us? When you stop and take stock of
your relationship, does it feel underwhelming?
Like the enjoyment and the fun is just gone?
Well, if you have, then you're not alone.
So many couples have felt that too, and we've found ourselves
in seasons like this as well. And the good news is this is not

(00:20):
a label that you need to slap onyour relationship, something
that's like a doomed situation. This is actually just a flag to
mark something that might need some more intentionality.
And at any point in your relationship, you can choose to
reset the enjoyment, the vibe, the culture that's going on
within it with just some small practical steps.
And we're going to dive into that today.
Honey, we need to chat. Welcome back to another episode

(00:53):
of Honey, We Need to Chat. I'm Blair.
This is my wife Amy. Hello.
This podcast is all about communication in a relationship.
In today's episode, where it's going to be the kick start for
our relationship reset mini series, which we're really
excited about, we're going to bediscussing how we fall into
these rhythms of just not likingeach other.
Instead, focus on reintroducing the intentionality, the

(01:16):
curiosity, the lightness to our relationship and a cultural
reset. Over the next few weeks, we're
going to dive a little bit deeper into this thought on how
to reset your enjoyment of your relationship and we want to
challenge you to maybe use this as a little bit of a challenge.
Follow along and use this as a practical programme to work
through your relationship and implement some of these things
as well as we go over the next few weeks.

(01:37):
As you mentioned, this is something that you and I have
done intentionally quite a few times as well.
We find ourselves maybe in the friend zone too much or we're
just stressed and we're not actually in any zone, you know,
we're just so disconnected from each other.
So that cultural reset, which I like that that terminology
because we've also spoken about,you know, envisioning where we

(01:59):
want to be in five years in our relationship.
That cultural reset helps us to realign with that vision as
well. And are we on track of getting
there? Yeah, And is a normal and
healthy part of relationships, an important part of
relationships that's often overlooked?
We've mentioned on the podcast many times that people do this
all the time at work. They do this all the time in
their professional world. They do it in other structures

(02:19):
that we live in, in the world's other community structures,
external structures. But for some reason, we don't
think it's important or it lookslike a sign of weakness when you
do it in relationship. And that's just not true.
So definitely something that's really important to keep things
fresh. And we're going to dive into
what that might look like in a relationship during this
episode. And we're also going to get

(02:39):
really practical at the end. So stick around till the end to
get some practical tips on resetting this for yourself.
So what does it mean to like your partner?
We talk a lot on this podcast about love, and that's really
important in relationships, obviously, but love is a
commitment and it's an action more than a feeling.
Liking your partner is more about the vibe and the feeling
that goes along with that. And there are times in your life

(03:02):
where you may not like your partner or may not feel like
you're enjoying your relationship, and that's normal.
But we're going to look at what we can do to make that enjoyment
more active and more alive. So liking each other is about
the vibe, it's about the tone, it's about the energy going on.
It's not about the commitment. That's what love is.
It's not about the action. That's what love is.

(03:22):
It's about how you're feeling and how you're enjoying your
relationship. And most people don't talk about
this element that much. Yeah, well, I think it we
automatically think it's like, Oh no, I love them and and means
everything. Like everything's encapsulated
in that love. It's not true.
Like, you know, the the fun and the enjoyment of the
relationship can also dwindle. The love doesn't have to change.

(03:43):
It's like, man, I just, you know, where's the fun gone?
You know, where, where is the adventure or the excitement
around our relationship as well?Where's that gone?
And the other element of that isas well that we sometimes judge
where our love is at based on how our like is or our enjoyment
is. And when we mesh those things
together or we confuse those things, we can start to convince

(04:05):
ourselves that we don't love each other anymore.
And that's where it's really important to define these
differently. And so we're going to look at a
few reasons why you might stop liking each other in
relationships. There's so many reasons, but
here are a few. Emotional fatigue especially,
you know, the further into a relationship you get and
especially if your parents emotional fatigue happens, lots

(04:27):
of stuff going on, you just don't seem to have the same
energy and strength and focus toput towards your relationship as
you did at the beginning. A lot of the stuff we talk about
on the podcast like scorekeeping, the contempt, all
the four horsemen, all of those sorts of behaviours and patterns
that you can find yourself in can build into a trap of not
enjoying each other anymore. Getting stuck in that roommate

(04:48):
friend zone type season, which we've talked about on here.
And we actually have a resource on our website for that as well.
Really common again when real life comes in.
Work, family, kids, all of the obligations that happen with
real life. It's easy to find yourself more
in a roommate vibe or more in a friend's own vibe where the
romance or the enjoyment isn't really alive anymore.

(05:09):
Low play, low curiosity, findingyourself, not prioritising time
to enjoy. Like go out and have dates,
play, have fun, be light. Or finding yourself not in a
pattern of being curious with each other, where you're
learning more about each other. You're just stagnant in that
space and you don't feel like there's anything left to learn.
I remember when we sometimes when we were tired, we'd go on a

(05:29):
date night or something and the conversation was so dull because
we didn't know what to ask. Yeah.
And there's this level of, although I already know
everything about you. And what we had to discover
actually was, no, we didn't because I didn't know what you
did that day. I didn't know what you were
thinking about that. And we really had to work on
this became some of some of our date nights.
We really had to work on questions we could ask to help

(05:51):
each other explore that because especially if you're emotionally
or just yeah, like those questions are hard to do.
And yeah, there's a lot of more that I've learnt about you from
learning more about your day. So I'm learning more about you
every time. And you're always learning,
you're always growing. So there's always something for
me to learn. Yeah, I think when you're at the

(06:12):
beginning, there's so many big, easy, obvious things to learn.
Like you don't know how many siblings they have, you don't
know where they've lived. Those sorts of questions are
really easy. And so the more you get to know
each other, the less there is tolearn in terms of those big
details. But you're right, we're always
developing and changing. And it's more about shifting
what learning looks like and recognising where the change and
growth is happening still. And we have the best

(06:34):
conversations when we're just chatting and you know, but it's
so easy to fall into default andnot explore those things.
And the last one I've got on this list is when both or one
person is showing up in a way that's functional, but it's not
fun. So it's all about business, it's
all about the day to day. And we again, have had moments
where we'll go on a date night and all we can talk about is

(06:55):
what's happening with the kids or what we need to do or work.
Like all this stuff that's just day to day functional.
Okay, yeah, and that's okay. Like those times are okay.
It's not saying like, oh, now your date night's ruined.
That's not OK. Like the date nights are the
quality time you have together. But it's just when you find
yourself in that pattern, when you find yourself in that rhythm
of again, just it's where you'reat.

(07:16):
You're not enjoying this stage like that.
Doesn't feel fresh. Doesn't feel fresh.
Yeah, it doesn't feel light. Yeah.
And so it's easy to find yourself for whatever reason, it
could be something we've listed or something else in a place
where you're like, I don't really enjoy time with my
partner. I don't really enjoy my partner
and have that leak into how you feel about other things.

(07:36):
And one of the common things, which is one of the reasons
we're having this conversation today is we project that onto
our partner like our partner is,is no longer exciting to us or
there's something wrong with ourpartner.
Sometimes it's not that our partner is hard to like, it's
actually that everything around them is feeling too heavy.
And I think that's really important.
Or everything around you is feeling too heavy and you're
projecting that. And that's really true for me.

(07:58):
Like a lot of the times that I'mstruggling to enjoy Blair or to
reflect back the energy that he's giving me, it's because I'm
overwhelmed. I'm stressed, like sad.
I'm like distracted, I'm busy, I'm tired, all of these things.
And that actually impacts my read of what he's putting out
there. So my irritated responses, you
know, these, he's got these. I'm shocked.

(08:21):
This morning he was getting ready for this episode.
Was this my focus or my attitudeis just distracted?
I'm tired, I'm annoyed, I'm irritated, and I project that
out there and I stop seeing what's fun or good and I just
start seeing extra stimulation or extra overwhelm and I can't
appreciate that. And that's valid.
Like, it's not invalid that I'm overwhelmed, but what is invalid

(08:45):
is for me to then be like, I just don't like Blair anymore.
Like, that's not the picture. That's not accurate for what's
going on. It's actually my stuff that I'm
projecting on you. Yes, and sometimes not at the
same time. You know, I saw this, I saw this
real last night that he was talking about how your partner
like knows how to push all your buttons and irritate you and and
stuff like that. And it's a fun thing by there's

(09:08):
times where it's just like, don't do that, man.
And that's my struggle. Like I, I joke around a lot.
I like to push your buttons and and muck around, but I need to
learn my moments of doing that. And that comes from
communication. So what is really important when
you're finding yourself in a place like this is to be asking,
what energy am I bringing to theroom?

(09:29):
Like what am I bringing to the table?
Instead of finding yourself in this position where you're like,
oh, my partner this, my partner that, or I just don't like them
anymore, What energy are you bringing?
Because that can be your first indication of where things are
going wrong. And I have a little picture to
explain this and it just came tomind while I was preparing the
episode. So imagine you're over
simulated, you're stressed, you're totally maxed out.
You're like, like overwhelmed inevery way.

(09:51):
You've had a long, horrible day and your kids are being really
loud and silly and having a lot of fun around you.
Like any parent recognises last night, yeah, last night, exactly
this. And they're having fun.
They're not doing anything wrong.
They're being kids. They're having fun and they're
just laughing loudly, wrestling all the all the stuff that when
you're removed from your stress would be awesome.

(10:11):
So often in that situation, whathappens for me is I snap or I
get really nitpicky or I get really frustrated and I'm like,
stop, just stop, stop all this stuff.
And every now and then I'll likekind of be taken out of myself
and be like, what? They're not doing anything
wrong. Like I'm trying to stop their
fun and their enjoyment of this situation because I'm stressed
right now. That was again last night,

(10:33):
right? Like it was both of us, and I
think it was mainly me. I was just so tired at the
dinner table. And they were just like, you
know, chatting and just laughingtogether and, like, around the
dinner table is a special time as a family because you just
connect so well. And our response was just, guys,
can you be quiet? Just quiet.
Just. Like to be like, all right, no
talking now it's like, and then afterwards I'm like, why would I

(10:55):
do that? I don't want to know talking at
a dinner table because it's a special bonding time.
But I was so tired, which then led to me being so overwhelmed.
And again, a big thing from thatthough, is we're learning what
we need, right? So for me, I get very noise
oversimulated with noise. And so I put my my ear plugs in
their loops and they're cold andthat helps me a lot to regulate

(11:17):
the noise. And I can then actually be
present more because it's reduced the amount of noise at
the table. So yeah.
But anyway, just to put that real life example there like.
We literally. Struggled with this last night.
Yeah, yeah. So to follow on with this, the
picture of what that is, it's not because they've done
anything wrong that we're struggling with it.
What's happening is they're light, fun, loud energy that

(11:39):
they're bringing is clashing with our heavy energy or our
stressed out energy or whatever we're bringing and we're not
regulating well, which is what you're talking about with the
loops there. And so this is what happens in
relationships as well. Sometimes your partner might be
trying to connect, they might betrying to flirt, have fun, be
light, engage in that way. And instead of meeting them

(12:00):
there, we're shutting them down or we're shutting it down or
we're shutting ourselves down, not because what they're doing
is wrong or you don't like them anymore.
It's actually because your energy is, is distracting you
and projecting on them. You're not matching them.
And that mismatch or that contrast between the two can
feel really confronting. And so when you're empty and

(12:21):
you're stressed, it's really hard to recognise that because
it, that it takes it takes out being out of that moment.
Like you just said, after the fact that we're like, oh, hang
on, They weren't really doing anything wrong.
But at the time, it's really hard to like draw yourself out
of that feeling. And so that can become a
pattern. And that's just a little example
of what you may see playing out in a relationship.
It might not be that there's something wrong with your

(12:43):
partner. It might not be that there's
something wrong with you 2 together.
It might just be that what we'reeach individually bringing to
the table is distracting us fromthe reality of connection.
So learning to like your partneragain and learning to to enjoy
your relationship again isn't about changing your partner.
It might be more about lightening the load that you're
carrying or helping yourself geta little bit of perspective

(13:04):
around what's really going on and what's feeding into that.
So we're going to explore a little bit about how we can
reset this culture that might beplaying out there for your
relationship. Yeah, but before we jump into
that, I want to share a little bit about the awareness and
fundraiser campaign that Amy andI are part of.
It's called Man with a Pram. Man with a Pram is all about
filling the gap with the health system on support for fathers in

(13:25):
the perinatal period. So perinatal period is before
birth and after birth. And as we experience when we had
our kids, I mean, there's a lot of external support for you in
that time, right? Yeah, yeah.
All my my appointments leading up to the birth, all my
information about the birth and then even after we had the baby,
all of the information is directed at me as the mum and

(13:46):
the follow up and the follow up is all directed at me.
Yeah. For months, weeks and months
afterwards. Yeah, yeah.
And so for some of our births were kind of traumatic and we
left us in a position where Amy was getting the support.
I wanted to be the best dad, thebest partner I could be, but I
had no idea how to do that. I had no idea how to support my
family through these intense times.

(14:08):
And I I was just left feeling lost and under under supported.
And so what's a mission of man with the param is is to help
support those health systems to make those changes, to include
fathers in that support for the paranoid period.
And research shows that when dads are supported, the whole
family is the greatest support. And so we're going to be doing
that on Father's Day weekend. We'll put the link in the bio

(14:30):
here. You can donate to the cause via
that link, or you can set up your own events as well.
So you can just go on there, sign up, register your own
location, bring the family alongand just get behind a dad and
say we got you back. Yeah, awesome.
So let's dive into this culture reset within your relationship.
So firstly, why do people fall into these patterns?
We've talked about some of the reasons you might find yourself

(14:52):
not enjoying your relationship anymore, but part of it is that
as relationships develop, all couples find themselves falling
into rhythms, and that's a normal part of relationship.
As you settle into an everyday relationship that's long term,
you fall into a rhythm that works for your relationship.
Now the issue is if you're not intentional about choosing which

(15:13):
rhythm you're falling into, you find yourself in an unspoken
rhythm that you haven't chosen and often one that you don't
even want to be in. So that's where a lot of this
dissatisfaction can come in. And we've, we've discussed this
on the podcast before with our unspoken contracts episodes.
And it underlines a lot of the stuff that couples navigate
finding themselves in this rhythm, the mental load that you

(15:33):
never chose. And we've seen this play out for
us a lot as well. And you probably have to.
So some of the rhythms you mightsee playing out is that we don't
flirt anymore or we only talk when there's a problem or fun
requires money and an or an itemfrom the kids.
So we can't have fun because we don't have either of those
things or we're too tired or toobusy to enjoy each other or our
relationship is a task. It's not a vibe anymore.

(15:55):
So these kinds of rhythms you might find yourself falling into
and it impacts how you can enjoyyour relationship, but you've
fallen into it without being intentional.
An analogy I have for this, I had a lot of analogies popping
into my head when I was putting this episode together, is when
you're learning to drive, right?When you're learning to drive,
you are aware of every single move you have to make.

(16:16):
You're very intense, you're veryalert because you're not sure
what to do and you're still learning.
The other thing is you are always planning ahead of which
way you need to go. I always would know what lane I
wanted to be in so that I'd avoid the really difficult
intersection coming up like 2 kilometres down the road, way
further away from me. But I wanted to be in that lane
now because I knew it'd be easier.

(16:36):
So those sorts of things were just part of learning to drive.
You start to figure out about how to avoid the things that are
difficult. You figure out where you're
going before you get in the car or you set your GPS before
you're there. You know which direction you're
going. You're more alert to that and
more intentional with that because you aren't familiar with
driving. Then as you get better at
driving, you start to do it in default.

(16:57):
You start to fall into this automatic muscle memory and we
call that encouraging subconscious competence, which
is basically you're so competentthat you're subconscious to it.
You're not aware of every move you're making because you are so
competent at driving. You don't have to be thinking
about every lane you're in, everything you have to do within
the car. And you can have stretches of
driving where you all of a sudden kind of come to and

(17:19):
you're like, oh, I don't even remember driving down that road.
And that's a good thing. That's a good thing.
It's a part of mastering a skill.
You want to move into that subconscious competence.
But the issue is if you were to move into this subconscious
competence, you're driving on default.
You're getting in your car, not really thinking about it, but
you didn't know which direction you were going or you hadn't set
your GPS to kind of remind you every now and then which way

(17:40):
you're going. You would find yourself just
driving, even though you might be subconsciously driving, but
you're driving directionless. You're driving in a place you
don't want to be. You're not getting to the
destination that you've chosen. And so just because you're
subconsciously competent with driving doesn't mean you can
take the in the intentionality of the direction you're going
out of the picture. And I feel like that's the same
with relationships At the beginning, everything is new and

(18:03):
exciting. Everything is.
We're learning everything. So we're very alert to how we're
interacting. We're very alert to how our
partners responding to us, what they like, what they don't like,
you're feeling out all of that stuff.
It's a conscious decision to be making these choices.
And as we get to know each other, we fall into that
subconscious competence of relationship where I no longer

(18:24):
have to think about how you'll react to things.
I just know Blair reacts this way to these things.
I can kind of project this is what the day's going to look
like if this, this and this happen.
I know these things about you. Like we said earlier, I've
learned so much about you. I don't have to learn.
What does Blair think about this?
What does what music does he like?
What movies does he like? What's his past experience with

(18:45):
his family? I know these things, but if we
are not setting a direction for that subconscious competence in
relationship, we will find ourselves wandering in an area
we don't want to be. We'll find ourselves going in a
direction we don't want to be orwe, I like the GPS analogy too,
because sometimes it's that we've set a direction and we're
really good at that. Sometimes some people aren't as

(19:07):
good at just looking at the map before they get in the car and
knowing where they're going. They need something along the
way to kind of break into that subconsciousness and be like,
oh, turn left here as otherwise they forget or there's a there's
a weakness there or skill. It's not super strong.
And that might be the same with certain parts of relationship
too. Just because you've had an
intentional moment at the beginning doesn't mean everybody

(19:29):
is fine to take their like foot off the brake into and just
cruise. Some people need that regular
thing that they've decided, Oh, I'm not good at this.
I'm going to implement this GPS to every now and then be like,
please turn left, get into the left lane for the roundabout
coming up, that sort of thing. And and that's not a weakness
either. That's actually a strength that
you're preparing for what you need in your relationship to

(19:50):
keep you on track. But the, the point of this
analogy is if we were to not have our directions sorted, we
would find ourselves in a place we don't want to be.
If we do not choose the rhythms that we want to fall into in our
subconscious competence of our relationship, we'll find
ourselves functioning out of a rhythm that we don't want to
function out of. And that might be a rhythm that
means that we don't enjoy each other very much anymore.

(20:12):
Some of the cultural lies we absorb or take on, like just
from these experiences, could bewe just fell out of love, you
know, like that's the answer that we give ourselves or we've
just, we've grown too different.Another one is we just married
the wrong person. These are all things that we've
heard and this is like a big reason why we wanted to start
this podcast to speak against those things.

(20:34):
But another one is we're on different paths now, or we've
just lost the spark. Yeah, these are things that you
can. It's like, it's like the excuse
or the reason that we slap on what we're experiencing.
And it's like, yeah, we've just fallen out of love or we marry
the wrong person instead of exploring what is going on to
have gotten us to that point. And so there are ways of saying

(20:54):
this isn't working anymore. Something must be wrong with us.
It explains that to some extent,and it leads us to believing
that there's something wrong about the equation of us.
So you plus me equals this and something's off about that.
Not that there's something off about the rhythms that we've got
going on or the the culture we've got going on in the
relationship. It must be that there's
something wrong with you plus me.

(21:16):
But here are some of the hard truths that combat these lies
that we might be experiencing. We've just lost the spark.
That lie is Most couples don't fall out of love.
You don't just suddenly fall outof love.
Like we spoke about earlier, love is actually an action as
well. It's part of a commitment and an
action in a doing so you don't fall out of love, you fall into

(21:36):
defaults. And love is a choice, so you
don't just fall out of that. If you've fallen out of love,
you're probably falling into a rhythm that means you're not
enjoying each other very much. But that lie that, oh, we've
just fallen out of love is a really tricky one because it, it
kind of removes any ownership, it removes any curiosity.
It just closes that off and putsA tag over it like we've fallen

(21:58):
out of love. And this is just the perfect
spot to, again, just to remind you of our little intro that we
usually do, we didn't do today. But we believe that when
communication dies, bad things happen.
And you can kind of, you can usethat lens for all of these
things that you're speaking to, Like if you spoke through that,
if you were equipped with the tools to communicate through
that season or whatever that is,no matter how long it is, things

(22:20):
won't die. And so, yeah, that's what we
want to be encouraging you to ishave these conversations.
And again, there's a lot of resources on our website to help
navigate those conversations. So you don't just fall out of
love, You fall into a rhythm, you fall into a default, you
fall into a pattern. That's not helpful.
But the amazing thing is that rhythms change.
Like rhythms can change, patterns can change, habits can

(22:41):
change, and your connection can be reset, which is what we're
working on today. The other lie we've grown too
different is you do not have to be the same to feel connected.
And this is really important. We've spoken about this with our
relationship. We are very different,
especially the beginning we wereso different and that can cause
some difficulties. And it did 'cause difficulties
and it still does cause difficulties, but it's become

(23:04):
our biggest strength in our relationship.
It's like because again, I can'thave a job where you're not a
part of now I need your strengths with me, right?
I don't do parenting nowhere near as well.
If it was just my way of parenting, like you bring what
you bring to that is just amplifies our joint parenting.
Like it's amazing. Yeah, exactly.
So you don't have to feel the same to feel connected.

(23:25):
Actually being different is a strength when it's when it's
fostered, well, it's a strength.And curiosity is more important
than compatibility or being the same, Having the same interests,
being curious about each other and exploring that and turning
that into a strength is actuallyso beautiful.
Then the lie. I just married the wrong person.
Actually, I think it was last week.

(23:47):
I mentioned this in the episode as well.
My heart take is I don't think there is a right person.
There is not just one person that's the right person, but
there are destructive patterns that can happen within a
relationship, within two people that might find yourself down
the track disconnected, not working well.
So any couple can find themselves disconnected down the

(24:07):
track, doesn't matter who they are.
Destructive patterns can lead any couple, regardless of how
compatible or how perfect the situation was around them when
they got together in a disconnected state down the
track. If it's not chosen intentionally
and those rhythms aren't intentionally LED into, so it
doesn't matter how right they seem, if you don't interrupt one
of those destructive patterns, you'll also then repeat it with
somebody else. I think that's part of this lie

(24:29):
as well as I marry the wrong person also indicates, oh,
there's a right person and with the right person, it'll be easy.
Or with the right person, these things wouldn't exist.
And the reality is, regardless of who you're with, if you're
not intentionally choosing thesepatterns and choosing the
strength, the strengthening of yourself and of your
relationship, you'll find yourself in the same destructive
patterns with somebody else as well, because it's about the

(24:51):
culture that you're building within the relationship.
We're on different paths now. I've heard this one as well,
like we're going different directions and I find this is
such an interesting one because you're actually a team and like
you said, we worked really well together now.
So that wasn't something that started the beginning.
We were different people and we've kind of meshed into this
team. It doesn't mean that we no
longer are individuals with value and strengths on our own,

(25:14):
and we both have big strengths on our own, but there's
something so cool about how we've built this new.
It's almost like we're a new entity between like with the two
of us that is a beautiful team and has its own going direction.
And that's, that's important too.
Like we both have our different challenges that we're working on
individually. Like your challenges are
different to mine. There's some that are similar,

(25:36):
but the challenges are different.
So it's like, well, you can support me in my challenge, but
it's still my challenge. So I've still got my things I've
got to focus on and work on too.And the same thing goes for
directions, right? Like we each have, we're working
together on stuff, but we each have different like things are
working towards print dreams, goals, directions that we're
working towards. And we have a beautiful team

(25:57):
element that can support each other in that.
And there have been times where one of us hasn't really
understood the direction of the other person.
Like that's happened before. But like, it's been like, I
don't really mind. I don't really get that.
But cool. Like me with musical theatre,
for example, like that's just not, it's not really part of
your world. Like you haven't now It is.
Yeah. So it's something that we've
built and you're like, I don't, I don't really want to be in

(26:19):
that. And I don't really get it, but I
love of supporting you and that.Yeah.
And that doesn't mean that we'reso different that we can't be
together. It's actually find the the
culture that supports it. Yeah, exactly.
And as well it does, it's not that expectation that I do get
it. So I don't, I genuinely don't
like I I enjoy going to watch itand I definitely enjoy seeing
you in it, but that's the extentof my enjoyment.
Yeah. You know, it's like I don't have

(26:40):
this like each of like I want tobe in that.
I want to do that with Amy. It's like, no, I'm doing all
these other things with Amy. That's sweet.
I don't think I need to be a part of that because these are
legit conversations that we. Had so many times.
Of like, and I, I was wrestling with that.
I'm like, should I want to do theatre with you?
Like, is that something that should be doing?
And and then we've just come up to the realisation.
Nope. Yeah, at this stage, no.

(27:03):
But so if you've lost a sense ofshared direction because you're
so individual, I, I can almost guarantee a lot of that comes
down to disconnection within your relationship, not because
you're, so you're going such different directions that you
can't work together. It probably mostly comes down to
there's a disconnection in how you're interacting.
So you're not discussing and like work shopping these things

(27:24):
with each other and getting excited with each other.
And you can reset and you can recalibrate and, and kind of
redirect which way you're going.You can come back together and
workshop those things together and support each other.
And when you're in a committed relationship, you're committing
to blending that down the tracks.
You can reset that and find a way that works in in empowering

(27:45):
and enriching you both without it being something that makes
you feel more disconnected. We're too busy or we're too
tired to enjoy each other. That's true.
Like life is really hard and things shift in terms of your
capacity, your energy, your time, and especially once you've
got kids or you're working full time, those kinds of things
shift. It's not going to be the same as
the beginning, but being too tired or too busy to enjoy each

(28:06):
other is. I think the the key thing here
is you can be creative. And we've talked about this so
many times. It took us a little while, I
think, to wrap our heads around it.
But you can do an at home date night.
So find a way the. Question is, is like, all right,
If you're in that place, what can you do about it?
If I'm too tired, like, sorry, let's just choose an example.
Are you, you know, we, we're coming out of this more with our

(28:27):
toddler where there's this really tough sleeping time and
what you needed was sleep. So I was like, all right, well,
what do we need to do? I really struggle at night times
like I struggled to go back to sleep if I'm waking up.
But what you needed in that timewas on a weekend, I'll take him,
I'll sleep in there, I'll do what we need to do so you can
actually get the rest that you need.
Now we're both working on that like, and always like, all

(28:48):
right, you now need to go have anap because you've been up, you
know, putting those things in place.
If I'm too tired, what do I needto do to get energy?
Is it to go out and do somethingfun?
Is that going to give me more energy?
So putting those things in place, the answer, in my
opinion, can't be I'm just too tired.
And the answer can be more alongthe lines of I'm tired right

(29:09):
now. This is what I need.
And then I then we can work on that, right?
Like I need this so I can do. That's not that's the answer,
that's the end of it. That's a blanket.
That's that's something that I'mnow identifying that I need to
work through so I can get through that.
And there's always things that something that you can do.
Yeah, that's, that's the, the key here is there's hundreds of
little micro decisions every single day that we make that

(29:32):
that build into our day. And in those, there's lots of
opportunities for little connections, regardless of if
it's a big, you know, elaborate date or it's just a little
moment, a little hug, a little like question to each other, a
little curiosity, a coffee sitting together, like whatever
works for you. There's a way that it works for
you. Yeah.
If the question is I'm too tired, OK, it's like, all right,

(29:52):
sweet. Something so simple you can do.
And it's like once off when the kids go to bed, We've done this
before order Uber Eats, that's your date night and you're going
to sit down and you're just going to reflect.
You don't have to worry about meals.
You don't have to worry about anything else.
Like have a, a treat tonight, like relax, help take other
decisions off our mind. Kids are in bed, we can relax

(30:12):
now. And we've taken that decision
off our plates and now I can have these conversations.
So something so simple, so so easy.
Do what needs to be done so you can work on the things that are
important. If you keep doing things exactly
the same way and coming up with exactly the same excuse, nothing
will change. But choosing little moments to
make a change can be a huge difference.

(30:34):
A huge difference. And it's easy to say we're too
tired and then you just don't even try.
There's a million excuses that have come to our heads when
we've even had that idea, right?But so for us to be like,
finances are too tight, we can'tafford Uber Eats or something.
Or don't even do Uber Eats. Like just be like, oh, we're
going to make toasties, but we're going to sit and eat them
after the kids are in bed. Or people will be like, you

(30:55):
know, the kids are up too late so we can't do that.
Cool, have a hot chocolate together when the kids are in
bed. Or for this one night, put the
kids in front of the TV. Yeah, they might be still up.
Like put a movie on you guys to the dining room table or
something and then have that, you know, like it's.
Yeah. Yeah.
Just question yourself if that'sif that's becoming a kind of
like an excuse or a cut off thing, like I'm too tired.

(31:18):
There's no time. Ask yourself where is their
time? Because there's always 24 hours
in a day. So where is that time going or
where is that energy going? And where can I shift something?
Because I reckon you'll come up with an answer for you.
So obviously we could talk aboutthis from Really.
Yeah, maybe we need to do it again.
This is something that we, we'reso passionate about this because
we've gone through this and we wish we put in these habits and
we learnt these things earlier on in our relationship.

(31:41):
And it's, it's, it's so like, it's so worth it.
It's so rewarding. It's so rich and powerful and
encouraging and strong to do these things.
As you can tell, we're passionate about.
It. Yeah.
And we always find ourselves having to remind ourselves as
well. Yeah, we're continually working
on. Last night I was like, we should
do that again. All right, so another lie.
We'd be fine if my partner wouldjust change.

(32:03):
It's basically they are the reason that this is happening.
And I'm going to put this disclaimer in because I feel
like it's necessary all the time.
I'm not talking about abusive dynamics and manipulative
relationships. That's not, I'm setting that
aside because that is a different thing and that's
something that needs professional help and we are not
professionals. Setting that aside.
So often people will, including myself, I'll do this all the

(32:26):
time where I'm like, it's because of this thing that
Blair's done. And the reality is that's not
the reality a lot of the time. Like that is, that's a really
easy thing to fall into. And it, it's easy for a number
of reasons. One is it release releases us
from any ownership over decisions and culture.
And that can be, it's a lot easier to be released from that

(32:48):
than to actually have to take the energy to think about what
we're bringing to the table in this.
But the reality is one person can shift the energy within a
home. And I've seen this happen.
One choice of an individual can bring an energy shift to your
home, to your your relationship and doesn't mean that that one
person has to carry that forever.
But if you're wanting change andyou're like, it would be so much

(33:10):
better if this person just changed this, this and this, You
can choose moments of shifting your energy, your tone, the way
you're coming to the table that will bring about an implement
the change across your family and across your relationship.
And if you're not doing that andyou're waiting for your partner
to do that, then you're kind of expecting them to do something
you're not willing to do. We've been in conversations

(33:31):
where one partner is testing to see if the other person will
change or testing to see if theywill take initiative and stuff.
We just don't like that. It's like if you've been
challenged with something, just do it.
You know? Just take the lead and just be
like, cool, This is something that I'm passionate about.
This is something I want to workon.
Let's do this together. Just do that.
Don't play the games. Yeah, it doesn't have to be a
huge thing. It can be just changing your

(33:52):
tone, like changing it to a light, fun tone, a playful tone,
like softening your face. This is so important for me
because I often walk around likethis and sometimes if I just
like, open my eyes a bit more, it's so much better.
Yeah. And actually even like the other
day, I can't remember what we'retalking about, something to do
with work or something and just all of a sudden I was like I

(34:12):
should just sit on Blairs lap. So I did and like it's a small
little thing I. Didn't know that was a thought
process for you. Yeah, it was.
I was just like I, I kind of wastired too, so I was standing and
I was like, I want to sit down. So anyway, it's just a small
thing, but it could have been and it wasn't.
I don't think we're arguing. I don't even remember.
I. Was at my work desk.
But like, that's like a surprising random little thing,

(34:33):
those little things. It can feel like such a huge
deal if you're not in a good headspace or you're not in a
good culture. It can be.
And I, I'm going to say it's pride.
Like a lot of it is pride. It's like I'm not going to, I'm
not gonna go hug my husband. He's annoying me.
What's funny is, though, with you just sitting on my lap, it's
nothing. It's so tiny.
I still remember it. Yeah, it was the other day.
It stands out, you know. It's not a common thing, no.

(34:56):
Yeah, yeah. And so it shifts the energy.
And it was nice. We just chatted.
So, yeah, it's if you're waitingfor your partner to change, I
think that's a red flag and you need to question what you can
bring to the table and what you can implement because we have
the power to bring change. Another lie that some people say
is we'll have fun when things calm down or we'll have fun when
the kids are older or the kids are sleeping.

(35:16):
We'll go do more things like that.
And I think I understand, like we understand that life shifts
when you have kids or when chaosis happening and there there
needs to be things that do change and you need to put
things in place to help you survive.
But the the fear that I have with that is that it's harder
and harder and harder to come back to a light, fun, enjoying

(35:37):
dynamic within your relationshipthe longer that it's gone.
And I think a lot of people fallinto this thought that, you
know, we'll have fun again when our kids are out of the home or
we'll have fun again when our kids are teenagers or whatever
stage you're like, holding it off for that stage brings its
own complications. And if you're not implementing
these patterns that help you be creative and flexible and enjoy

(35:57):
each other in every stage, you're going to have the same
issue down the track because you're going to have to
implement something flexible there to work around the
difficulties that that season brings.
So it's a bit of a, it's again, kind of shifting that
responsibility or that ownershipbecause it's a heavy feeling
thing to have to think about what to do.
But it's a, it's a fake shift ofthat because the reality is it's

(36:18):
just going to get harder as timegoes on.
Another thing I've heard is we're working out, but nothing's
changing. Like we're trying really hard
and nothing's changing. Like I've tried to enjoy our
partner and nothing's changing. And I think this is an
interesting one too, because youcan work really, really hard.
Work really hard. I'm doing my little Bunny ears
right now. And it can be hard work.
But if you're doing the same thing over and over and you're
not adjusting how you're going about working on this thing, and

(36:43):
then you're just saying, well, I'm trying really hard and it's
not changing, then I think you need to assess that trying to do
the same thing over and over, expecting to get a different
result is the definition of insanity.
Yeah, like actually. So if you're saying you're
working really hard and nothing's changing, you need to
be flexible and change that up. As well, and we say this a lot,
get professional help to work. Through those.

(37:05):
Things as well we've we've got it and it wasn't like this end
result this end like dramatic you know moment of like oh if we
don't you know we're we're aboutto end our relationship it was
none of that it was actually we couldn't navigate through stuff
personal stuff and we needed help to do that we.
Still we still. Loved each other.
We still, you know, we still cared and we're committed to
each other. There was no question on this is

(37:27):
the last resort. This is something that we
couldn't work through and we, wegot that professional help to do
that. We always go back to we, we
always share about how we investso much into our sport, our
hobbies, our career with external help.
We, we get in those areas. So why don't we do it for our
the most important relationshipsof our lives?
Yeah, maybe that's that GPS example.

(37:48):
Like maybe if you've been working hard and you're not
getting to the place you want toget to, maybe this is an area
you need some external process or person speaking in to remind
you of implementing a different thing to remind you along the
way to keep you on track along the way.
And I'm actually going to read what I wrote about this because
I liked it, the wording of it. I was like, this is important.

(38:10):
So I'm just going to read it straight from the thing.
So working on your relationship takes creativity, patience, and
flexibility. You're growing and your tools
need to grow with you. Not every solution is going to
work forever and small wins matter, so you need to be
celebrating them along the way and adjust as you need to.
So working on your relationship takes creativity.
You need to think creatively. You can't just be like working

(38:30):
on my relationship by talking tomy partner every day in the same
exact tone and the same exact questions, the same exact
everything. It needs to be creative.
You need to be able to think outside the box.
What is happening. What can we do instead?
Takes patience because implementing change takes
patience in every area. Like you just said, sport,
business, everything. It's not something that all of a

(38:50):
sudden you choose to do something and be intentional and
suddenly everything is fine. It takes patience and work and
you need to be able to sit through that.
Not because it's like a hard youneed to be able to do this.
It's actually for the best result and that's every strong
couple you've ever seen has havepatience with that process along
the way. And it takes flexibility because

(39:11):
who you were at the beginning ofyour relationship is not who you
are now. And the circumstances around you
guys at the beginning of your relationship are not the
circumstances you have around you now.
So if you stay rigid, and we spoke about that as well the
other day on the episode, being rigid is not future proofed like
that kind of love that's rigid. You decided on it once and
that's how it's going to be, is actually fragile because it's

(39:33):
not flexible to adjust as you need.
So you need to be able to be creative, patient and flexible
when you're working on your relationship.
And the other really important thing is I think we've got in
this, and this is really common in coaching.
You have in your head this end result that when we get to that
end result, we're going to celebrate.
So people will be like, I've been working hard and it's

(39:53):
nothing's changed. And I think a lot of the time
it's because we're projecting this end result that we're
working towards and that hasn't happened yet.
So nothing has changed. But the reality is you have to
celebrate. Break the small wins along the
way so you can say nothing's changed, but if like I sat on
your lap the other day, I could have not sat on your lap, but I
did. And that it was a nice, we kept
chatting, but it was a nice little moment and then and it

(40:16):
stood out to you and it stood out to me.
And then we moved on and went about our day.
That could be easy to say nothing changed, but it actually
did. There was a little moment of
connection. So we celebrate that moment of
connections. Building on.
Building on. Building on building because
celebrating your small wins along the way help you continue
to work towards the big wins. So if you're thinking you're
working hard, hard and nothing'schanging, think creatively,

(40:36):
think with patience, grace for yourself as well because it is a
learning process and think with flexibility and celebrate the
things you are seeing adjusting.The last one I'm going to talk
about. We've got more here, but I'm
just going to cut through them because there's so many.
But we're just not fun anymore. Like we just don't have fun
anymore. We're not fun anymore.
When you fall into patterns as arelationship, as we've said,

(40:57):
normal life, there's just real heavy, regular reoccurring
things that you need to deal with.
And it is easy to have the lightness that maybe happened in
your 20s when you weren't full time working and you didn't have
kids and you didn't own a house and you didn't blah, blah, blah.
The lightness is harder to come by because you do have more
obligations. You do have more

(41:17):
responsibilities. That's fine.
Like that's a normal part of life.
But being light and fun, it actually takes risk.
And that's kind of that pride piece that I talked about
earlier. And I think the older you get,
the harder this is. If you are wanting to be light
and fun, it actually takes risk.Like you have to be willing and
to be vulnerable and put yourself out there and be a bit
silly and be a bit fun and not take things so seriously.

(41:40):
And so you might think we're just not fun anymore.
But I wonder if it's more you'renot taking risk with each other,
risk in a in a healthy, creativeway.
It's a bit awkward, especially if you're in this pattern where
you haven't had fun for a while and you're like, oh, we're just
not fun anymore. Have you tried?
It might be a bit awkward but with a great like reward, and
with it might be a bit vulnerable, a bit risky feeling

(42:00):
to just have fun suddenly or be a bit flirty or suggest
something different or put yourselves out there, but it's
for the best reward ever. Enjoy requires vulnerability,
and that vulnerability is where connection grows.
So if you're finding yourselves not fun and not enjoying each
other, you probably aren't finding yourselves very
vulnerable with each other. And that that's probably not a
culture that has been fostered. Vulnerability can start by one

(42:23):
person choosing to show vulnerability and start bringing
that in like we talked about earlier, those little moments of
bringing in, shifting that culture, shifting that tone and
that that energy between you to bring that lightness back in.
So to wrap up this section, we've spoken about all these
kind of rules or lies that that people so easily fall into the
world kind of sells us, I guess,as as easy tags to strap onto

(42:44):
these relationships. But then some of the realities
that sit below that. So this is a little reflection
to follow this section, like maybe this week, just assess
what might be one of our patterns or one of these rules
or one of these lies that we're we're finding ourselves trapped
in that we've listed or something else that comes to
your mind. What might be 1 rhythm and one

(43:05):
pattern, this unspoken rule thatwe're playing out in our
relationship. And can we let go of that this
week? Can we bring in lightness to
that space this week? So we've spoken about how people
might find themselves here. I've spoken about the the lies
and then the kind of truths thatback that up.
Let's get really practical. But how do you get to that
space? You've recognised what might be
playing out for you. You might be aware of the

(43:27):
reality of it. And how do we now bridge that
gap and go from that place to a vulnerable, more light, fun,
enjoyable space? And we always talk about this on
the podcast. The secret weapon is curiosity.
Having an attitude of curiosity.Curiosity.
We talk about this all the time.Curiosity.

(43:47):
Killed the cat. Killed the cat.
No curiosity. Healed the cat.
Healed the cat, yes. Yeah, it's.
It's so simple and it's so easy to forget, but it is such a game
changer. And I have looked up a few
reasons why curiosity really, really helps physically and
emotionally within a relationship.
So curiosity is one of the fastest ways to bring someone or

(44:11):
something back to life. All of a sudden you've had this
dry spell within your relationship.
All of a sudden showing some curiosity can bring your partner
back into focus, can bring your partner.
It feels like you're you're lovefor your partner, your enjoyment
for your partner, your interest in your partner comes back to
life. It can reignite sparks within
your relationship because all ofa sudden there's newness and

(44:31):
freshness going on in it and exploring of each other.
So Sam and Liv spoke about this a few weeks back on our podcast
as well from silly stories for kids.
They talked about becoming students of each other and how
important that is. We, we've got this
intentionality that we implementin business.
We've got this intentionality weimplement in insert blank here.
Whatever it is that you've you've got that you've put

(44:53):
effort into, let's also put thatinto our relationships.
Let's become students of each other and actually study each
other. Be curious about each other and
students of yourselves. Be curious about yourselves and
what's going on. So here's some of the real power
of curiosity within a relationship.
It softens your heart when you're curious, it helps you to
lower your judgement. So you immediately are removing

(45:16):
that judgement piece and it justit, it creates more emotional
safety for both of you. You're softer, they're softer.
It softens your apart from that judgement, it actually shifts
your nervous system into a more regulated state.
We've spoken about that quite a bit as well.
Being curious activates your prefrontal cortex instead of
your threat system. So that fight, flight or freeze
you coming into a difficult conversation, you're trying to

(45:37):
understand something that's a recurring pattern.
Having a curious approach to it helps you think with your big
brain, big picture brain rather than your fight, flight or
freeze brain, helps your partnerthink with their big picture
brain rather than a fight, flight or freeze.
So that means that you're able to think more clearly about what
you're trying to say, you're able to communicate more
clearly, you're able to dive into what's sitting beneath it

(45:58):
rather than just like this, they're bringing something tough
up. So being curious activates your
prefrontal cortex, which calms your reactions and open space
for connection. It helps you see beneath the
surface level behaviour. So again, we've got these
patterns we see and like we said, we'd be better if my
partner just changed this or it's my partner's fault.
Being curious helps you see below that surface level symptom

(46:22):
that we struggle with instead ofit just being like Blair always
does this and it's annoying. Having curiosity helps you see
why does Blair do this? Like why?
Why does Blair do this? What feeds into that?
Why does it annoy me? What feeds into that?
Why is it so triggering for me? Helps you see beneath the
surface. You no longer reacting to what
they said, you're exploring why they said it.

(46:42):
It builds emotional intelligence.
Curiosity helps you access compassion and perspective
towards yourself and your partner.
And this is really important. It brings it kind of some of
these things that come into my brain.
I'm like, that's not a saying Itequals the playing field levels
the playing field. It levels the playing field a
bit because it's it helps you becurious about your partner and

(47:04):
yourself and allows there to be an ownership piece on both sides
rather than it being a finger pointing thing.
And then that builds just safetywithin your relationship.
Curiosity makes space for playful, pressure free
connection. Curious questions are low
stakes, ice breaking and naturally engaging, and they
create movement without force. Curiosity reduces fear and
reactivity, so the more you understand your partner, the

(47:26):
less threatened you are by theirtone, by their reactions to
things. I've found that with us, like
the things that used to really throw me because of how you
reacted, I now have so much moregrace for because I know who you
are and what might be playing into that.
You start to then respond instead of react.
And the last one is it signals interest, safety and presence.
So asking questions is one of the simplest and most powerful

(47:48):
ways to show somebody that they matter to you.
Curiosity. Asking questions of someone is
an immediate icebreaker, immediately brings a
conversation out there for you. And everybody likes to talk
about themselves. Everyone likes to answer things
about themselves. So when you can approach
something with curiosity, you immediately get them on the
right foot and you allow them tofeel interesting to you.

(48:09):
You allow them to feel importantand you allow them to use their
voice, which is really importantwhen you're trying to build
connection. It also then helps you
understand what might be playingout and why you might be in
these patterns that you can't seem to wade through.
So just some quick curiosity questions that might help you
move forward. I'm going to put most of these
on APDF so you can download themfrom our website.
You could say, what's 1 memory of us that always makes you

(48:29):
smile? You could say, what's something
small that makes you feel close to me?
There's some random ones. What would we be like if we were
a couple in a reality TV show, if we could tell or anywhere for
dinner tonight, where would we go?
Just light curious questions that bring back that light.
And that's why we like the wouldyou rather questions for the
exact same reason, some more reflective ones.
What's one small change we couldmake this month that would help

(48:51):
us feel more connected? It's not pointing fingers, it's
not strapping some kind of labelonto your relationship.
It's just asking what could we implement that might make us
feel more connected? So I'm going to put this PDF on
our website. Implement one or two of these
questions. You don't have to do them all.
There's like 20 or something. Don't have to do them all.
You don't have to change a huge thing, Just implement this
little curiosity piece into yourrelationship.

(49:12):
See where you can change things up to start enjoying each other
more. Do it during a low stakes time.
It's not when you're arguing, it's not when everyone's tense
or trying to cook dinner. Do it on a walk while you're
folding laundry, while you're driving.
We have so many conversations while we're driving.
That's a huge one for us. And don't correct or defend,
just receive what they're saying.
It's a curious thing. It's a light thing and we're

(49:32):
wanting to work through this so that we can become stronger on
the other side. And it will probably feel
awkward, but that's OK because the goal is connection and
bringing culture change doesn't feel comfortable at first, but
eventually it does. And if you can push through,
that's when you're going to see the biggest change.
All right, guys. So that is how to like your
partner. As we said, we're going to dive
into this more on the following weeks.

(49:53):
Feel free to use this as a bit of a challenge, like we will be,
to reset some of this culture going on within you and and
challenge yourselves to assess the enjoyment that you're having
with your partner because it's abig one and it's a game changer.
Awesome. Thank you so much for tuning,
guys. Catch you next week.
See ya good chat.

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60. How to Like Your Partner Again | Resetting the Culture of Your Relationship

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}60. How to Like Your Partner Again | Resetting the Culture of Your Relationship