61. How to Make Relationship Goals REALLY Stick | Why Big Promises Fail & What Actually Works - Honey, We Need to Chat

Episode Transcript
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(00:12):
Have you ever made a New Year's resolution?
You know, new year, new me. And then by day three, you're
back on the couch scrolling on Tiktok again.
Amy Blair. We've all set huge goals with
the best intentions, only to watch them fall apart.
It's not often because we're lazy, but instead it's because
we tried to make the wrong change at the wrong time in the
wrong way. And the same thing happens when

(00:34):
we try and change our relationship culture.
So today we're gonna be getting practical about turning broken
resolutions into real, lasting change.
And the kind of sticks as so with all of that.
Welcome to Honeymoon to Chat guys, the podcast all about
communication in a relationship.We believe that when
communication dies in a relationship, bad things happen.
Yes, and this is the second episode we're doing in our

(00:56):
Relationship Reset miniseries. We spoke last week about really
liking your partner. And today we're going to dive
into how you actually start to implement these things that we
talk about. Because when we're on the
podcast, it's easy to talk aboutthese things that sound great
and these to patterns and rhythms and culture within your
relationship that sounds really good.

(01:16):
But it's not as easy to know howto actually implement those
things. And thankfully, this is an
episode that's really helpful across the board.
It does not have to be specific to your relationship.
We are talking about it from a relationships perspective, but
you can apply this to everythingin terms of implementing goals
and actually making lasting change in your life.
So we're going to get super practical about that.
Please stick around till the endfor those practical tips.

(01:36):
Let's get practical. Practical.
Do you get that in your head when you say?
That not at all, because it's not the song.
Isn't Lisa? Let's get logical.
No, no, no, that's it. Physical, Physical for anyway.
So this week has been really tough for us to find the
motivation to record. If we're honest, it's been

(01:57):
really tough to do this and it'sprobably the first week in a
long time I've been like, I don't want to do an episode.
Yeah, and it's not because of this episode, not at all.
We've just had that week of viruses and busyness and we're
just. We're in a slum and we are so
tired and it's the latest we've recorded in the week because it
comes out tomorrow. Yeah.
So this is this is low energy. But I was thinking when this

(02:20):
kind of vibe happens for me, sometimes I'm like, what is it
about what we're going to talk about that's so important that's
making me not want to do it? Oh, really?
Yeah. And I think this is an important
episode because we, if you're anything like me, it's so easy
to be like, yes, that sounds so good.
I want to implement that or, or hear someone talking about these
things that sound positive. And you're like, yeah, I'd love
for my relationship to look likethat.

(02:41):
But actually making change is where that really sticky point
comes in. And we have said on this podcast
a number of times, we do not want to just be noise.
There's so much noise out there.We don't want to just be noise
adding to that noise. We don't want to be just another
voice that plays in your ears during the week and then doesn't
have any impact. That's not why we're doing this.
That's not why we put the effortand the energy into making these

(03:02):
episodes. The reason we do that is because
we want actual change in relationships.
And we believe that that can happen.
We know that can happen. And so today we're going to talk
about some of the ways that you can actually implement these
things if you're one of those people that's been like, I don't
know, I don't know how to make it happen.
I don't know how to change thosethings.
So even though it's been tough to get our selves here, we are

(03:23):
here and I'm excited because I think it's an important
conversation and we're going to push through that energy slump
to get into it. So just to recap last week, last
week we spoke about how to really like your partner again.
We basically the the end point of all of that was that
curiosity is one of the best ways to start exploring your
partner and re bring your relationship back to life in

(03:43):
that way and start to change your culture within your
relationship. And we gave you a lot of
practical tips on how to bring that curiosity in.
So if you haven't heard that episode, make sure you check it
out because there's some really practical ways to implement that
there too. But at the very end of the
episode, we spoke about reasons why people might not feel like
they're enjoying their relationship anymore.
And one of the things that we highlighted as a, as a, the

(04:05):
issue for some people is saying,you know, we've tried to change,
we've tried to do these things and nothing has changed.
And we do address that in that episode, address the, the truth
that might sit behind that. But we wanted to dive into it
even further today to be like, if you've been trying things and
nothing has changed, maybe you're not trying it the right
way. So we're going to look at how
are other ways you can try thesethings, you can implement these
things into your relationship toshift things up, to go a

(04:29):
different method and to see whatmight be stopping you from
getting to the place you want toget to in your relationship.
So we're going to break down what it is that's stopping us
from making the changes in our relationship, and we're gonna
look at what actually works instead.
So why do big goals fail in life?
There's a lot of reasons, and welearn a lot about this in
coaching. What is the reason that people
struggle to implement big goals in their lives?

(04:50):
Some of them are one your brain is actually wired to protect
you. So when change comes in, it's
wired to protect your current patterns.
And if something is feeling threatening, even though it's it
could be the best positive thing, it feels threatening to
your current patterns. It can trigger your fight,
flight or freeze, which makes your brain think that you're in
danger. Something's different to the
norm. Something feels uncomfortable

(05:11):
that can trigger your fight, flight or freeze and can make
you go into survival mode a little bit.
That shuts down your prefrontal cortex, which is the part of
your brain that thinks it's likebig picture creative problem
solving brain, the brain that thinks when you have clarity and
you've got space to think properly and it shuts that down.
So it makes it really hard to becurious, really hard for
patients, really hard for problem solving.

(05:32):
And that would be why, you know,relationships that are in some
of the toxic rhythms that we've talked about over the podcast,
including the Four Horsemen. You might find it hard to be
curious and gentle and react in a way that's you're choosing to
intentionally react in, partially because your brain is
in that pre for that survival mode.
Your prefrontal cortex is shut down.

(05:53):
So it's hard to implement thingsbecause you're in five flight or
freeze. If your body is reacting that
way, that might be one reason why you're struggling to
actually implement these things or actually apply them to your
life. And the big thing too is like,
it's, it's OK to be in that. You know, I mean, like sometimes
you're just in survival mode andyou're in that space.
So what's good about this process is you identify it and

(06:13):
then you can actually do something about it.
If you're just going to sit in being naive or trying to avoid
the situation, that's where I can really come into some
troubles as well. Yeah.
And it's not, it's, it's lettingyou know what your body does.
Like that's why we learn about these things to try and help us
understand ourselves better. So then we can put in place the
things that we need to put in place to support the changes we

(06:34):
need. We've spoken about this this
week with our our kids. There's a few things that they
as individuals struggle with. They just don't seem to get it.
Like one of our kids just never puts their stuff in the right
place. Then when we're looking for
their school shoes or whatever, it's never in the right place.
The other other ones don't do that so much.
And so we've talked about how wereally want to become a family.
That helps when we recognise a pattern that's just not working

(06:56):
properly or a weak spot. It's not that we're like, oh,
you never do this. And it just just a frustration.
It's not something we just let be.
We don't just say they, they never get that right.
So we just don't even try. We don't let it be something
where we're constantly arguing because that's not healthy
either. Instead, we want to be a family
that recognises, OK, you struggle with this rhythm or
pattern or behaviour. So we're going to figure out

(07:17):
together what a system is that will support you extra in this.
Yeah, absolutely. And I think it's the same thing
here. Like, it's OK that your body
reacts this way. It's not to say that anyone who
finds themselves in fight, flight or freezes is bad.
We all do. But what like you've said, if we
just float through life and we don't own that process, then we
will always be a victim to it and we will always be stuck and

(07:39):
there will always be kind of a, a, an excuse for not doing
things. Yeah.
And what I, what I want to do aswell is sort of remove shame
behind those things too, right. So, yeah, you might be
struggling, struggling with something, and it's not great,
OK? But if you bring shame into
that, if you allow yourself to feel shame and to be weighed
down with shame, and that's whenyou get stuck.
But when you can be like, all right, that's what I'm

(08:01):
struggling with now. I'm gonna do something about it.
You own it. You apologise for it, whatever
it might be. And then you can take those
steps going forward to, to address those situations.
But if you will let shame consume you, when Amy reads
through these things, if you've identified something there and
your response is shame, speak against that.
Like, speak it out. Write it down.
Like, no, I'm not. I'm choosing not to take that

(08:22):
right now. I'm choosing not to let that and
show me. I'm choosing to recognise and
then address it. Yeah, shame is not is not the
right voice to be listening to that at all.
So that's one reason that you might be finding it hard to
implement actual change. The second is that your goal is
too big to maintain long term. And this is a really interesting
coaching tool. It's so funny that we're doing

(08:43):
this episode this week because when I was getting it ready, I
was like, I'm talking to myself.And I was actually thinking when
I was getting it ready, it'll begood to actually do the full
episode because maybe I'll coachmyself in the process.
Yeah. Yeah.
And this is one of those things.So the goal might be too big to
maintain long term. And it's really easy in whatever
area that you're trying to do this in.
But let's just keep it to relationships for now to be

(09:03):
like, that's it. We've been in a stale place.
So instead, we're going to do date nights every week.
We're going to not be on our phones from 8:00 PM.
We're going to always do a walk in the morning before the kids
are ready for school or whatever.
Like these huge, big things. I mean, like, we're going to
change everything and try and implement everything.
And it feels great. And often you kind of ride away
wave of motivation for that, andyou can kind of be a bit

(09:24):
motivated for a little while. But those are those New Year's
resolutions that you talked about earlier that crumble
because they're not maintainable.
And the biggest change you ever see in anything is small steps
that step you towards your goal,not big huge leaps like that
almost never stays around. Yeah, I mean, listening to this
fitness podcast, I'm not a fitness person, but I'm an

(09:47):
aspiring. Fitness person.
I'm an inspiring. But it's talking about how like,
so it's it's a really well knownpodcast.
It's called mind pump. You know, I find a bit of a
cheesy name, but anyway, it's. So it's funny, we need to chat.
Exactly. But one of the episodes that
stood out to me the most, right was about they call it the lazy
man's exercise and it's just click bait.

(10:09):
But they had some really good points to that in that episode
about how, you know, you wanna go to the gym.
It's like all these things that we wanna do, you know, go to gym
three to five days a week or whatever else.
And you know, you know, I have to eat only Whole Foods and only
meat and veg and I'm, I'm going to walk 10 to 12,000 steps a
day. And their big thing is like, OK,
you don't even need to do that to be considered a healthy

(10:32):
person. That's if you want to be an
athlete, that's not just to maintain health, that's not just
to build health. And So what they were actually
doing is breaking it right down,like, all right, if you just do
this and there's a bunch of different things, but one of
them was like strength exercisesonce a week was everything.
It's like that's actually healthy, you know, that's in a
healthy stage. One thing that they ask their

(10:52):
new clients that are coming to the gym, they're like, all
right, well, what do you want todo?
And they might say, you know, three to five days a week at the
gym. And then they ask back, these
coaches ask back. They say, well, what can you see
yourself doing for the rest of your life?
And that hit me quite a lot because if I look at if I look
at going to the gym for five days a week for the rest of my
life, I'm like, I'm already out.I'm already unmotivated.

(11:14):
But what I can see myself doing for the rest of my life is a
short walk around the block. And I'm starting there.
I'm going to start on that point.
It's something small. It's not long as like 10 minutes
of a walk and that's it. But that's where I'm going to
start. I'm going to build that habit.
Since I've been doing that, I'vebeen noticing change within
myself health wise like energy and and mood and all that.

(11:35):
Now I actually want to do more and it motivates me to do more.
Yeah, exactly that the I love that coaching question.
I actually started to implement that in my actual coaching after
we listened to that episode because it's so true that yes,
if someone asks you what do you want to do when you're sitting
on a chair doing a consult with them, Of course you want to be
at the gym five days a week. Of course you want to be eating

(11:56):
only Whole Foods or doing whatever.
But the reality is that so many factors come into play.
And that is not your rhythm yet.That's not even remotely close
to your rhythm, your current rhythm.
So in order to actually get to the point that you want to get
to, and that's great if you can get there, you need to break
that down. And so that's one of the main
reasons people can't implement these goals is their goals are
too big to maintain long term. And then you end up overwhelmed,

(12:20):
you burnout, you avoid all all of these things.
And my example was a six day a week gym plan when you haven't
worked out for years. So you you got there exactly the
next reason. And we're going to dive into
some practical ways to tackle these things later.
But the next reason someone might struggle to implement long
term change is you're choosing the wrong time to implement.
And this is really specific to relationships.

(12:40):
It's specific to everything. But in this circumstance, we've
talked about this as well. Don't you have to find the right
time to do these things? So if you're like, yeah, we
really need to have, there's this big conversation I need to
have with my partner and I've been thinking about it for ages
and I've just been encouraged listening to this podcast.
You know, I need to say what I need to say.
And then it's 10 minutes before bed and you're like, blah, blah,
blah, blah. That is, it's the wrong time.

(13:01):
It's the wrong time to do that because you're setting yourself
and your partner up for failure.You're setting that conversation
up for failure. And when you're navigating
change, it needs to take into consideration your context.
The motivations are right, your context is wrong.
So don't change all these things.
Don't try and workshop everything when you're tired or
right after a stressful day of work or in the middle of an

(13:22):
argument. A lot of the time you can
implement change there, but you're not going to have a calm
conversation in the middle of a heated argument or when you're
tired and hungry or there's kidsscreaming around you or you're
in the middle of a really intense time.
You can't. We talked about this when we
moved house, like we had some moments during the months when
we were moving house, but it also wasn't the time to try and

(13:44):
really implement anything big. We were just, again, that
survival mode. And it's OK to recognise this is
where we're at right now, but doesn't mean that that's when
you try to bring these things in.
And recognising when something'sjust a season and but when
something is also a habit. Yeah, exactly.
Yeah. And that's what we find with
little kids. Like there's a lot of stuff that
we've talked about in our relationship and have had to be

(14:05):
creative with how to approach it, but also recognise it's not
going to be able to be approached the way we probably
would love it to be in this season of sleeplessness or like
less flexible, less flexibility and those sorts of things.
And then another reason, And like I said, this is just a
handful of reasons. There's so many reasons that

(14:25):
people might struggle to implement a big change.
But another one I've got down here is you're not noticing and
celebrating your wins. And this is not something that
people think about very much. It's something I've learned
through coaching. You don't, you don't fix
something in a single conversation.
So in a relationship example, you do not fix your whole
relationship in one conversation.
One conversation can change the tone.

(14:47):
It can be huge and impactful, but you're not gonna fix
everything in that conversation,that conversation.
It needs to be broken down, likewe said with the big goals, into
small, manageable steps. Yeah, like I've heard some
conversations, like I spoke to them about this and they're
still doing it. Yeah.
Like just because you spoke about it doesn't mean it's
changed. Because now it's like the
speaking about it, it might be just bringing something to

(15:07):
light, right? It might just be bringing it to
the other person's attention. Which is a really important
step. So important to do that, but
then you've also got to commit to the journey of that change
because to break a habit, to change a habit is extremely hard
to do. And what does the best is
repetition. And so just committing to that
journey is really important as well.
Yeah, so fixing actually comes down to those hundreds and

(15:29):
thousands of little mini momentsthat build the big picture.
That's like that big goal, smallgoal thing again.
So you don't fix a relationship in one conversation.
It's built through hundreds of small, doable moments,
interactions and that sort of thing.
And I tried to think, think of an analogy for this.
And Blair's going to love it because it's about bricks and
he's a brick layer by train. So when people are building a

(15:51):
brick wall, there's a reason they build them with little
bricks. I had to look this up instead of
big slabs. So big slabs of like cement or
whatever, or brick, if you want to call it that, is actually
weaker because it's more compromisable if there's a crack
or whatever, the whole thing. So they, they've built with
bricks in small little sections to make it stronger because it
kind of reinforces the whole. So there's that.

(16:12):
We do things we don't do 1 big, huge goal was one big slab.
We build little bricks at a time.
But there's also an important part of this where if you were
to look at the wall you're trying to build and look at each
tiny little brick, you're going to feel like you're going to be
like, Oh my gosh, I want to be at this finished big wall and
I'm just going 1 brick at a time.
And that's an overwhelming thought.

(16:33):
And it doesn't feel exciting andflashy and hypey to be doing
that. Really.
You just want the end result. But you don't get that end
result until you've started to build 1 brick at a time.
And so instead of looking constantly at this huge space
that has not yet been filled, ifyou instead focus on each little
brick that you're laying at a time, eventually you're going to
realise and look back and be like, oh wow, look how much I've

(16:55):
laid. And if you just keep going with
that, it will build a wall. Like that's what happens is a
wall ends up as long as you're putting it in the right way
exactly which I've got no idea about you.
Can't put it in lefty loopy. Don't do that.
It's not a thing. I was gonna say.
Is that a brick? Is that a bricky thing anyway?
So there's a reason why they're built bit by bit.
And there's a, an important distinction between looking at

(17:18):
what you're trying to build, which is, is an important part.
You need to have a plan, right? We've spoken about that too.
You need to have a direction. But if you keep looking at that
end result and where you're at and thinking, look how far away
I am, instead of recognising andcelebrating those bricks one by
one that you're laying, you're going to be really disheartened.
And that's a really important part of change is we don't tend

(17:38):
to celebrate every little momentthat we have a little win until
it's the end result. And so if you want to go back to
the gym analogy, like there's a lot of mental health that goes
around people's health journeys.And you can look at it and be
like, you know, I, I said I was going to go five days a week and
I only went four days this week and I'm feeling really down on
myself and blah, blah, blah. Instead of celebrating, look at

(18:00):
the times I did go or look at the walk I did take.
There's a beauty in actually implementing that celebration in
those moments that's really important.
And that can be one of the reasons why you don't see big
change is because by the time you like, you don't even get to
the big change because you're sofocused on the big picture and
not celebrating the little moments that have built it.
Yeah, and a big thing for me hasbeen like, it's just with the,

(18:22):
the health journey, which I've got a long way to go, but it's
like, oh man, I've only, you know, I can't bother going for
my 10 minute walk. I'm literally just gonna go up
the street and back. And then I get low.
I'm like, oh, I didn't even go that far and like actually, but
I went. Exactly.
I still got more steps in than Iwould have if I didn't go.
That's the energy that I had fortoday.
And it just really shifts, you know, your perspective.

(18:43):
And it's like, well, I'm still doing something and I'm.
That means I'm still improving in some way.
Doesn't matter if it's big or small.
It's all part of that big picture.
Yeah. And we'll talk more later in the
episode about exactly why it's important to focus on those
little wins, what it does for you.
But yeah, that's without it can be one of the reasons why you're
not seeing that long term change.
So we're gonna get practical andreal about this, about how we

(19:05):
can implement change. But before we do that, yeah.
Before we get too practical. And too real, too.
Real. Yeah.
I just wanna take a quick momentfor those on YouTube, on the
tube. Check out my hoodie.
Hold on. I'm gonna move my mic so you can
see my hoodie. You still can't see it fully.
That's all right, man With a pram.
Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Amy The Pram is a fundraiser and

(19:27):
awareness campaign that Amy and I are partnering with to go on a
family walk on Father's Day weekend to raise funds and
awareness for perinatal period mental health support for dads.
As dads know, as parents know, kids change everything.
Becoming a parent changes everything and very little poor
is out there actually for dads. So 96% of mum's first contact

(19:47):
for help and support is the dad,but there's no help and support
there for dads. So dads want to show up, they
want to be the best dad that they can be, they want to be the
best support they can be, but they have no support around
them. So that's where dad's group
comes in. The name of the pram is to
support dads through that perinatal period.
If dads are better supported then when baby is born then the
whole family is better supported.
So we're going to be walking on Father's Day weekend and we're

(20:10):
going to link a bio to our page,our fundraising page in the.
Bio. We will link it in.
We'll link it, we'll do a link in the link, you guys can donate
there or just join us on that walk, but that's going to be
just such a great fun time. There's walks all around
Australia, so if you're not evennear us, go to
manwiththepram.com and see what walk you can join or donate to
your local walk. Or make your own walk or make

(20:32):
you don't have to join one that's already existing.
You can just sign up your own family or your own self and walk
on your own on that weekend. Great, so that's man with a
pram. Join us there.
Let's get practical and real about how we can implement this
change. Yeah, practical, Practical.
It's not, it's just not. So we spoke about, we spoke
about, so we spoke about the reasons why people might not see

(20:53):
lasting change in what they're trying to implement in their
relationship. And one of them was that the
goal is too big to maintain longterm.
So here is a really practical way to tackle something that
you're trying to implement into your relationship and into
anything that will help with that issue.
And it's called the half size itrule.
We're going to take that goal. If it's feeling too big, it's if

(21:15):
you're not seeing, you know, you've tried it before and
nothing's changed. You're not seeing change in this
space. Take that goal that you're
wanting to work towards and cut it in half.
And then if that still feels toobig, cut that in half and keep
going until you've broken it down into a maintainable,
manageable small step that you can do.
And in fact, I would probably suggest just break it down to
the lowest tiny step that makes up that goal as your first

(21:38):
exercise in this space. And just do that one step.
And when I was writing this episode, I was writing this.
And then I was like, you know what?
Good point, Amy. So I hopped on the exercise
bike. Good job.
For like 2 minutes, yeah. Yeah, but that's exactly what
you were talking about before. Break it down.
When I was doing some coaching stuff a few years ago, Gym.
Coaching. Gym, gym coaching.

(21:58):
Sorry, yeah, not life coaching. Gym coaching.
There was something that I saw or heard that was really
helpful. And it was instead of instead of
being like, I'm going to be at the gym three days a week.
I'd never been in that rhythm before, so that was so foreign
to me. Instead of jumping to that and
expecting that from myself, justget into my active gear And then
if that's easy enough, just get into my active, active gear and

(22:21):
then get in the car. And then you can add the next
step, drive to the gym and then come home if that's all you want
to do, or drive to the gym and walk in.
And I did do this a few times, especially when I'd have times
where we, we hadn't been going regularly for a little while and
I had to get back into it. I would go and just say to
myself, I'm just gonna go on thetreadmill for 5 minutes and
listen to my podcast or watch something and that's all I have

(22:44):
to do. And it was so freeing once I had
that thought in my head and I achieved those things, which
were so easy, I actually felt like I had achieved.
And it's kind of a mix of that and the celebration thing.
But I, I set a goal for myself that wasn't huge.
It wasn't go and do your 30 minute workout and get
everything in. It was literally just get in
your activewear and go walk on the treadmill for 5 minutes at

(23:06):
the gym and walking out of thereafter 5 minutes.
A lot of the time I ended up doing more because I actually
just was like, no, this is good,I'm already in it, that's great.
But walking out I never felt guilty because I was like,
that's that's the goal I put in place and I've achieved it and
that's really helpful. So breaking it down to the
smallest step that you can do, and even if that's just get your
active wear on at home or let's apply this to relationships

(23:27):
because that's what we do. Breaking that down to the
smallest step, it's not a date night every single week.
You might not be able to just jump into one date night every
single week. So instead, is it a coffee in
the morning before the kids get ready?
Or if that's too big, is it justholding hands for 30 seconds
before you go to sleep or something like that?
No, it's so important. So it's also about how we set up

(23:47):
for success as well, right. So you mentioned about getting
active wear on I because I work from home, if I don't get
dressed like I'm going to an actual office for the day, I am
a sloth. It's the same.
But if I put my shoes on, yeah, I'm pumped.
Like I actually have so much more energy and I'll go for a
walk that day because I have my walking shoes on.

(24:08):
Shoes on as huge. Huge.
So it's better I'll posture thisstuff, right.
So so for example, I might identify something in that
relationship and this was it theother week.
We haven't had a date for a longtime.
Like, I'm going to think about when we can do it, how we can do
it. And I'm like, oh, look, I think
I'm overcomplicating it. I'm just gonna start with step
one. Mum, can you babysit?
You know, I mean, and then she'slike, I'm like, I looked at the

(24:29):
dates. I'm like, all right, cool, we're
free then. I don't even know if you're
free. And I can check that late 'cause
I wanted to surprise you. But first step is Mum free.
Is there if there's a babysitter, if there's.
A babysitter. We're a lot more freer of the
first step. She's free, like Sweet Aims.
You wanna go on a date? I've got a babysitter.
Yes, Sweet. That was the easiest date that
we've ever had and. It was just like, and it's like
at first I'm like, it's too much.

(24:50):
Like I was tired. It's on our vlog.
Actually, I was on the we, we vlogged this.
So if you're going to our YouTube, you'll be able to
submit some of our vlogs there. There's on one of those nights
and I was exhausted from my day.And I'm like Bowie need it.
Like we do need it. We haven't had that time.
And I'm like, where do I start? Yeah, one text message.
Yeah. And you do 1 text message.
Sweet. Then the next step.

(25:10):
Not like this whole plan of thishuge elaborate thing.
Other times we've been like, we need a date night.
We have 0 energy to go out. So what's the bare minimum we
can do? Let's have a tea time.
It's also on our vlog. We have tea time or we have like
there's a tea together and don'thave to even talk much.
Yeah, we're just there. We're just it's intentional.
Yeah, and we, we've spoken aboutthat at home date night many

(25:33):
times as well. Like, same thing.
Don't have a babysitter, don't have energy, don't have the
finances. Figure out a way to do something
special. Yeah, but but even if that feels
too big, like 'cause that's, that's practically speaking,
right? Practically speaking, those
steps can feel big. But then you've also got the
layer when it comes to relationships of awkwardness or
like not, it's not part of our relationship culture.

(25:54):
We don't spend one on one time together in that way.
And that is, it's a big step to put in place for the comfort
level of where you're at. So if that's the case and having
having dinner together after thekids are in bed, on your bed
watching a movie or something like that is not a comfortable
thing for you guys. Or even asking your partner to
have a date night, same thing. Break it down, down to what is

(26:16):
the smallest manageable thing. Not everything's comfortable.
We're not chasing. Make it so comfortable.
We're chasing, make it manageable.
So find the smallest step that it might be a little
uncomfortable, it might be a bitout of the ordinary, but put it
in place. And we spoke last week.
I think about how I just sat on your lap when you're talking to
some people that don't have an affectionate relationship right
now, that might sound like I'm speaking a different language.

(26:38):
Like no way would I just sit on my partner's lap.
It's not to me. That's not a huge deal, but for
some people, when you get into these rhythms that aren't
serving you, you can find thingslike that uncomfortable.
So don't do something like that instead the 1st.
Step could literally be touchingthe other person on the.
Arm, yeah, or just smiling, likejust a nice pleasant smile with
nothing else. That that is, you don't have to

(27:00):
have it look anyway. There's not any way it has to
look except for what you can do,what you can do that moves you
one step forward. So whatever that is, take your
goal, cut it in half, cut it in half, cut it in half and
celebrate that. So this is tying into that
celebrate thing because every small win you have actually
releases dopamine in your brain.And dopamine is a reward

(27:21):
hormone. It helps you be like, oh, I like
whatever I've just done. I like that feeling.
So I'm going to try and do it again.
And that's why celebrating is important and that's why
breaking it down is important and achieving is important
because if you're waiting for that big end goal to be
releasing that dopamine of, yeah, I've achieved my goal,
you're not going to get there and you're not going to have
anything pushing you forward. So if you've got these little

(27:42):
tiny steps, you've done every little step be like I smiled at
my husband. I did not have some kind of
sarcastic face or anything like that.
Or I just listened to what he said and I didn't have some kind
of sarcastic comment or I roll or anything like that.
And that helps move you to the next thing.
So small wins equals dopamine and dopamine reinforces and
you're brave. Your brain starts to crave
repeating that. It's also low failure risk,

(28:04):
which keeps your nervous system calm, like we spoke about with
the fight or flight. So you it's, it's a low risk
thing. It's not or I have to really put
myself out there and sing a songto my husband to show him I love
him most. Something that's so foreign to
you right now. It's low risk, so it keeps your
nervous system way calmer and you're more likely to try it
again. So that is why the half size at

(28:24):
rule is really helpful. We've got some examples here is
instead of a deep talk every single night because if that's
not workable for you time wise or comfort wise, then just think
of 1 fun random question to ask your partner or one curious
question to ask your partner. We've got so many of those
listed on the free resources instead of a weekly date night.
If you can't implement that for whatever reason, do Or would you

(28:47):
rather chat back and forth? If that's not good enough, if
that's too uncomfortable, then do a 5 minute quick.
What was your best thing, worst thing today?
If that's too hard, break that down again and just hold hands
for 30 seconds while your household is in chaos around you
or something. Another part of this is where
we've kind of only spoken about examples that you let your
partner in on. But if you're in a really,

(29:07):
really rough place and you're finding your reactions are not
constructive to your partner, the little steps you're breaking
it down to do not always have tobe obvious to your partner.
You can break it down to just myone tiny step is that instead of
being sarcastic back or instead of an unkind thought or a, a
like complaining thought or something, instead of having
that go through my brain, I'm going to catch that and decide

(29:30):
not to do that in that moment. And that's as small as it has to
be. It doesn't have to be if this is
where you're at, doesn't have tobe bringing your partner in on
that yet. Start wherever is maintainable
for you. Then we've got some relationship
reset hacks, practical relationship reset hacks that
hopefully work even in messy, chaotic moments, which is what
most people are experiencing in everyday life.

(29:51):
So stacking habits is a really helpful thing in life to
implement new things. So that's when you're finding it
hard to implement a new habit, goal, whatever you're trying to
implement, putting, putting it on top of or at the same time of
another thing that you do every single day.
So an example I've got here is hug for five seconds after
brushing your teeth. You brush your teeth every
single day. Just try to tie those two things

(30:12):
in like we haven't felt connected.
So I'm going to hug my partner for five seconds after we brush
our teeth or even I'm just goingto hold their hand while I brush
my teeth, which might be uncomfortable for some people,
but find something you do every day.
We have a coffee every single morning.
Only one. Before the other ones.
Before the other ones every single morning.
We don't have any problem makingsure we get that that coffee,

(30:35):
there's no issue. It's the first thing we.
Do It's the first thing we do We.
Might go to the bathroom, yeah. And then actually, no, I'll get
up, turn on the coffee machine, then go to the bathroom.
I was warming up and then I'll. Come it is well and truly
factored into our daily routine.And so if we were struggling to
connect or we wanted to implement some new change in our
relationship, we could have it stack that and say while we're

(30:58):
making coffees, we'll stand nextto each other and ask each other
about our sleep or ask each other about our plans for the
day or whatever it is. Have it stack something that
you've got no issue doing because it's already self, it's
already set up and it's it's rewarding you as it is.
And just piggyback that with whatever you're trying to
implement. Another thing, which we sort of
alluded to earlier is using micro moments.

(31:19):
Like we said, we're not making abrick wall with one big slab.
We're not just magically making all the bricks in one place.
We're making that brick wall with one brick at a time.
And so that's the same with relationships.
Change is not like, like I said,it's not that one big
conversation that's going to change everything.
It's actually these micro habitsthat will change things.
So if you if you are struggling to implement a change in your

(31:40):
relationship culture, start by just touching your partner's
shoulder when you walk past. Kind of like you suggested
earlier. Eye contact and smiling when
they walk in a short encouragingtext during the day when you
think of them. A compliment, not about their
looks, just be like oh you did really well with that.
Or I share an appreciation reflection about something you
appreciate with them if that's something comfortable for you.
Suggesting 5 minutes of sitting and chatting without your

(32:02):
phones, like the smallest littlemicro habits that you can
implement into your relationshipto just show appreciation and
that kind of thing doesn't feel huge.
Smiling at your partner. This one stands out to me a lot
because smiling at your partner doesn't seem like a
groundbreaking thing. But the softness that comes from
that alone, especially in a relationship that's been

(32:23):
struggling, like one that has not felt safe and soft and
comfortable. A gentle smile with no kind of,
you know, context to it, no kindof back background messaging can
be really helpful to soften. And once you've softened, it's
so much easier to tackle some ofthe other things going on.
Yeah, I think it's very situational as well.

(32:44):
So pick your moments when you smile too, because if they're on
the bathroom like it's. Not the time to just come in and
smile at them pleasantly. Like, yeah.
But in these micro moments, likeI mentioned speaking about when
you sat on my lap the other day and then just like it was
something so small. It was something it's like for a
couple of seconds, but I remembered it.

(33:05):
And even this morning, you just walked up and gave me a hug.
Like it was just a cuddle like, and it was, you know, again,
like they're so small and we're not in a rough place or
anything, but I still notice it.It's like it's not annoying
because the thing that we do foreach other, the habit that we
keep falling into it into is we get very playful and annoy each
other on purpose, right? And.
So like irritating play? Irritating, playful.

(33:26):
And so at first when you hugged me, I'm like, oh, what are you
gonna do? What are you gonna do?
But then you didn't. I't like, this is nice.
And I just hugged you back. I'm like, yeah, that's cool.
Wasn't for long. I mean, I think when our toddler
was running between our legs at the time.
As well, Yeah. But it wasn't for very long.
But it's just those little moments that are just special.
Yeah. Just it's so easy and so small,
but they do have an impact. Someone that I follow on

(33:48):
Instagram who has recently been doing a bit of a series of reels
where she'll replay the same scenario.
Basically, it's two different scenarios playing out with the
same circumstances. So it'll be her sitting on the
couch and her husband walks in, and on the top one it'll be
she's on her phone and she doesn't really look up.
Or she kind of says hi, but she doesn't really look up.
And then the bottom one is she puts her phone down and then she

(34:10):
talks to him and she kind of just compares these tiny
basically what we've just talkedabout here, these micro moments
of change. But also when you see it from an
external perspective, you can see how different it is.
And we're, like you said, we're not in a rough place, but we can
still so easily and we have all the time find ourselves in just
existing together and not havingthose moments of connection.

(34:31):
And the fact that sometimes whenwe have a cuddle, it feels
special is telling enough. Like that that's like, oh, yeah.
And so that's, yeah, that these things can build a relationship,
culture change, regardless of ifyou're in a really bad place, a
really tough place, or you're ina fairly fine place, it can
still help to strengthen and change the culture going on

(34:52):
inside. So some other hacks as well to
help with this is reduced decision fatigue.
So fine, if you're finding it hard to implement change, it
might be because you're exhausted.
And we get this all the time. We're exhausted.
We think about stuff all the time for work.
We're balancing all of those things, including for kids and
school and routines and a dog and trying to figure out the
podcasts and social media. And like all these things,

(35:13):
things just go round and round and round our heads.
So I find decision fatigue is a huge thing for me.
And I'll find this mostly when I'm like at the grocery store by
myself suddenly because I'll, I'll go, go, go, go, go, go.
And then I have to decide what to buy and I seriously walk
around like a zombie. Like I look, I know I look like
I'm off in La La land and I willstruggle to see the thing I'm
looking for. I'll just go round and round in

(35:35):
aisles being like, where is the sugar?
Because I I get so fatigued thatmy brain kind of cheques out
when I'm finally still and making a choice about something.
So that's why there's always that joke of like, what do you
want for dinner? Like, I don't know, It's like
the the notebook scene. What do you want?
I don't know. Decision fatigue is real.
And if you're finding it's, it'snot so much about implementing

(35:57):
these things, it's more that youjust can't even figure out how
to wrap your head around something else.
Reduce that for yourself. Find do a habit stack thing or
find a time where you don't haveto decide what to do.
You just have set aside this time and you will open your
phone and say, would you rather questions or get Chachi PT up
and be like, give me 5 would yourather questions And you just
ask those whatever it is, you'refinding the path of least

(36:19):
resistance for you. And if part of that is decision
fatigue, that aside time so you don't have to be like, when can
I make it work? When can I get a babysitter?
When can I blah, blah, blah, When can I blah, blah, blah.
You have this time set aside so you don't have to worry about
that on the weekly. The other thing is change entry
points. If you're finding it hard,
you're in this routine where you're not seeing a change in
these conversations. You might be like, I understand

(36:40):
we need to talk about these things, but every time we do, it
just flares up and it's never helpful.
Change your entry point maybe just for a couple conversations,
like literally experiment with different entry point sentences
instead of being like we need totalk.
Or I find it really hard when you do this, just shift your
tone. Find an intentional phrase
you're going to shift it to to something like I'm curious about

(37:02):
this or how do you feel when this and see if changing your
entry point into these moments of contact or moments of
relationship interactions can shift how it goes.
Because that might be if you're finding a pattern and it's not
changing, it might be that you're not trying a different
way of entry point or entering into that conversation.
And the last quick hack that I have here is a 2 minute rule.

(37:24):
So if it's under 2 minute minutes, do it now.
If it's if it's going to take you under 2 minutes, do it now.
And I couldn't. There's so many things in my
life I could apply this to rightnow, like the dishes and put
away the laundry. But same with your relationship.
If you're like, I don't know, I thought of my husband, but
whatever. I don't know if it's going to
take less than two minutes to text him and say, Hey, I love
you. Or if it's going to take less

(37:44):
than two minutes to give him a 5second hug when you see him in
the morning or to ask him about his day when you see him after
work or something like that. If it takes less than two
minutes, just do it right now because everybody, most
everybody has two minutes to spare.
Maybe not in this very instance when you're listening to this
podcast, but once that is done, you've got 2 minutes to spare
somewhere along the way. So those are some of the

(38:04):
relationship reset hacks that you can try.
And I will list these all. I'll put them in a document
again and put them on our website for you guys to access
and look back at later if you want some help and you want to
see it written down because I find that's helpful for me.
But this is the progress formula.
So when we're trying to implement change, a lot of time
we don't see the change really implement.
This is what has to happen in order for change to really

(38:25):
happen. You need to choose, do notice,
celebrate, and repeat. So choose one tiny behaviour.
Figure out what's maintainable for you.
Figure out what's the path of least resistance for you.
Choose one thing you're going toimplement, then you need to do
it, which sounds really simple, but you need to action it once.
Just do it one time to catch yourself in that moment and say,
I just did that thing. Notice that thing is done,

(38:47):
celebrate it. That's a really important step.
Do a power yes fist pump thing. I was like, what is it called?
A yes, fist pump, whatever that is called, a power stance, a
clap, a smile. Just say nailed it.
Like, find something for yourself that that physically or
verbally marks, as small as it can be that you've done that

(39:08):
thing. Sometimes for us it's like we're
gonna get sushi. Like, so tied to something we
really like as well. Access actually.
Sell. Oh yeah, yeah.
Go get sushi, which is really helpful in your health journey.
Yeah. So she's not too bad.
But yeah, I actually really lovethe Nailed It one.
I kind of feel like I want to start implementing that.
I don't know about just me. Like Nailed it.
Well, wait, we've started doing that.
Do it, lady. Do it, lady.
That's a good, that's a really good do it lady.

(39:30):
Find something to celebrate it for yourself.
It doesn't have to be a big thing.
And then repetition, Titian is habit.
So you've gone through this process of choosing something to
do, doing it once, catch it, notice it, recognise it,
celebrate it and then repeat it.And that is the progress
formula. The issue is that when you're
choosing what to do, you're choosing something too big.
It's not, it's not maintainable.You might do it, but you're not

(39:53):
going to repeat it down the track.
So that's what the formula is, breaking in that place.
Choosing something and then not doing it.
That's my biggest thing. Because I'll choose something
and I just don't do it. So cool.
That's probably partially because I've chosen something
too big. Again, choosing it, noticing it,
noticing those moments when we achieve.
It's just not, it's just really not built into how we're just

(40:15):
raised. I don't think it's something
we've been taught well. And I don't know where that
comes along. But we don't necessarily notice
the small achievements. We notice the big ones.
And it's a huge shift when you can start to notice the small
achievements. And the same thing goes for
celebrating. If you're, if you're or doing
these things, you're choosing something, you're doing it,
you're not celebrating, you're not recognising those wins.
You're again, probably going to burn out and not keep repeating

(40:38):
it. So that's your progress formula.
That's what we want to be going.Celebration is so important
because dopamine and oxytocin, oxytocin signal.
Do this again, it feels good. I was talking to a mate
yesterday actually on my walk, so that was something that I'm
doing as well. Like I try and tie my walking to
something, so either listening to a podcast that I'll only
listen to on that walk, or I'll call someone.

(41:00):
So it's like, cool. Well, rather than me sit down
and have that phone call, I'm going to go for a walk and call
them because then it's hidden, you know, hitting two birds with
one stone. Yeah, exactly.
But anyway, I called my mate theother day when I was going for a
walk and I hadn't seen him for alittle while and he was just, he
shared something with me a long time ago about that he was
struggling with and he wanted toput into place.
So it was kind of just like a balance between hobbies and

(41:23):
family life and work life and whatever.
And I'm. And I'm like, oh, I just want to
check in mate. Like how are you going?
I haven't seen you for a while. He's like, yeah, well, I've
just, it's just a lot on at the moment.
So I've just been making sure that I'm focusing on my family
life. And he was kind of saying it in
a down, like he's kind of down about it because he's like, you
know, I haven't been doing all these other things.
Hang on a second. Like, you know, this is
something to celebrate. Dude.

(41:43):
You were struggling with that boundary, putting boundaries in
place. You told me you were struggling
with that balance. But here it's like, all right,
cool. I haven't seen you for a little
while, but your family is seeingyou way more.
And that's the sort of boundaries that he wanted to put
in place and he had. So he was guilty about one
thing, but actually he's been really working on this stuff
that he was working on. So sometimes we can't see it in

(42:05):
ourselves and so we need other people to speak into that.
So even if your partner, you know that your partner is doing
something, calling that out in them, celebrating that for them
and with them is really important too, because then that
encourages them. We struggle to do that for
ourselves sometimes. So taking that time to stop and
reflect to do that is really important, but doing that for
our partners is just as important.

(42:26):
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.
No celebration equals no reinforcement of a thing.
The brain logs it as neutral andthen it's easy to drop.
The brain will will put that in as neutral.
Like we've spoken about as well a number of times.
The brain looks for evidence of the things that you tell.
It is important and you can tellthings to your brain that are
important that you don't even realise.

(42:47):
So it could be things like I'm really bad at stuff.
So if you're not noticing, it will not log it as a win and it
won't reinforce that for you. So it's really important to have
something in place and whether that's having someone do do that
with you, tracking with you to help with that, or putting some
kind of system in place that helps you recognise it, that
will help move you forward. So here are some real life
examples of messy life trying toimplement change micro moments

(43:11):
into messy life. Toddlers, kids, crazy chaos
after school. Don't try and have a big chat,
just high 5 each other. Easy done.
We've tried to have conversations with kids around.
It's like, all right, well, we'll come back to.
This yeah, it just escalates. Yeah, our brains go like it just
it's really literally, literallylike that.
If it's mid argument, pause for 5 minutes and just one curious
question, one curious approach to your conversation rather than

(43:34):
a tacky like. We've we've only got this window
to do. It.
Yeah, quickly. Yeah, true.
Like picky moments. Exactly.
Busy moments, busy mornings, sorry you don't have time in the
mornings to connect. You can leave a lunch box or a
bench note or a note on your mirror or something just just to
say something that you thinking about with a partner or it's the
end of the day fatigue. Just sit together for two

(43:56):
minutes before you do anything else.
Just some examples of real life.You guys could insert here 500
other examples of how this playsout.
But The thing is that bringing in these micro habits to improve
your relationship is going to ripple effect everything.
It impacts your patience with your kids.
It impacts your kindness at work, yourself, discipline, your
health habits. These micro habits improve

(44:18):
everything. And when your relationship can
be in a healthy place, we've spoken about this too.
It is such a foundation for the rest of your life.
So it is something to be focusing on and prioritising
because small wins shift your identity.
It changes. It changes the way you think of
yourself, it changes the way youthink of your relationship.
So I'm someone who follows through or where people where a

(44:38):
couple that can connect even when it's hard and starting to
shift what you believe about yourself or your relationship
helps make your bigger goals possible.
So then your brain keeps lookingfor the next win and helps move
you forward in this process. So this is this is how to really
change. And I know it's a little bit of
a funny one because it's we, we've spun it relationship
related, but it really is just across the board.

(45:01):
These tactics can help you bringin real change.
If you're someone who's been sitting there like, I don't know
how to do this. I get what you're saying.
I don't know how to change it for me.
I always heard people talk abouthead knowledge and heart
knowledge and it's maybe it's a Christian thing, I don't know.
But like knowing things in your head, but actually knowing it
and believing it and feeling it in your heart.
And I've never understood the connection.

(45:21):
Like I've been like, how do I get it from my head to my heart?
I don't know how to do that. And these are the things that
help you do that. Actually putting things in place
that that bridge that gap for people.
It's not just something you knowwould be good for your
relationship. It's also something you know and
feel your is possible and and attainable in your relationship.
And if you're in this point as well, like, you know, right into
if you're, and even that person's like, look, I don't

(45:42):
know what to do with this situation like writings and
we'll, we'll respond to you on that if you're on YouTube.
Write a few. Comments as well like you can
put that in there. You know we we interact with
that we check all of those sortsof things and we respond to it
all so Chuck it in the comments if you're on YouTube and we'll
we'll respond to it as well yeahjust again, we want to be more
than just noise. We don't want to just be

(46:02):
speaking out a bunch of words wewant to be helping and
practically helping couples and individuals put that in place
there as well. What I haven't actually shared,
which I was going share earlier,you know, head on over to
YouTube, subscribe to our YouTube as well, guys.
There's a lot of content coming out on our YouTube.
There's YouTube specific becauseit's visual stuff that we're
wanting to do. There's stuff on there now

(46:24):
you'll see our weekly vlogs being put up there just sort of
giving you a bit more behind thescenes sort of insight to our
our lives a bit. But we're coming up with a lot
more coaching content and just practical content there too.
So make sure you head over and subscribe on YouTube because
yeah, again, that's where a lot more of our new stuff is going
to be coming where we're not going to be going into any other
area. The fun thing though, today we

(46:45):
actually met someone that was listening onto the radio and I
just keep forgetting to address our radio listeners.
Hey guys. Hello.
Hey. Yeah.
And also this person knew us. We already knew.
No, they didn't even she didn't realise it was us that she was
listening to on the radio. So what I want to say is check
out our YouTube too, so you see our faces.
Because if you're watching and you don't know who we are.

(47:06):
Maybe we're your friends and youdon't even.
Know exactly because that was a situation that we found out
today. So head on over to YouTube guys,
A lot of stuff happening there. Yeah, yeah.
So just a quick challenge to finish out today as well.
Pick one habit or one thing you're wanting to shift in your
relationship and try this. Cut it in half or half it, half
size it and try this half size it.

(47:27):
Exercise, Cut it down, cut it down, cut it down.
Cut it down till it feels manageable.
Try it one to three times this week and then ask yourself at
the end of that, was that easier?
Just try it. There's absolutely nothing you
can lose from attempting these things.
All righty. Thank you.
We'll see you soon. Thanks.
Guys good chat.

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61. How to Make Relationship Goals REALLY Stick | Why Big Promises Fail & What Actually Works

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}61. How to Make Relationship Goals REALLY Stick | Why Big Promises Fail & What Actually Works