In this milestone episode of Honey, We Need to Chat, we celebrate one year of their podcast by diving deep into a raw and real conversation about navigating relationships through the chaos of parenting. From real-life Reddit stories to our own experiences, we unpack:
The parenting-relationship imbalance many couples face
How to put your relationship first without neglecting your kids
Miscommunication around emotional labor and household load
Why different parenting styles aren’t the problem (emotional regulation is!)
Plus, stick around for our Reality Check Corner to help you actively reflect, reconnect, and rebuild your relationship—one small step at a time.
Tune in to hear what over 10,000 listeners and millions of viewers already love about Honey, We Need to Chat's vulnerable, funny, and helpful weekly chats.
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marriage and parenting, balancing marriage and kids, relationship after baby, emotional labor in relationships, stay connected while parenting, reality check for couples, podcast for couples, communication and parenting, love after kids
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
One weekend you actually took the kids away because I just
wasn't coping with like being overwhelmed.
I just wasn't coping. I was.
I was just dealing with the situation so, so poorly.
Hello and welcome back to Honey.Welcome back.
What, are you gonna say something?
I was. Yeah, I knew it.
Welcome back to Honey. We need a chat.
I'm Amy and this is my husband, Blair.
(00:21):
Hi. And we are a podcast that
believes that when communicationdies, bad things happen.
So we're all about communicationin relationships.
And today is a really special episode because.
One year. Baby of honey, we need a chat.
There we go On the 22nd, which will be on the weekend before
this comes out, is our one year anniversary at the podcast,
which is crazy because it actually feels like it's been
(00:42):
longer. Yeah, yeah.
I was going to say that it's like only one year.
Yeah, yeah, it's for like a lot longer.
Yeah. But it's been, it's been an
awesome year and you guys have been the biggest part of that.
So thank you for being here. Yeah, absolutely.
And it's been like it's been, it's been a great year too.
Like we had that big break in, in between seasons and when
we're renovating the house and so forth.
But it's been a year of, you know, opportunities for us to go
(01:06):
through Reddits and learn from other people's experiences and
journeys. We've had you guys writing and
we've been learning from your experiences and journeys.
We've had guest speakers, we've had our deep dives in our
relationship mainly on on Patreon and and in on this on
the regular episodes as well. But it's been a lot in that
(01:27):
year, which has been absolutely amazing.
And I think that's why it's so weird.
It's only. Yeah, I know.
I know, yeah, I was thinking back even to some of the
segments that we've had and finished.
So we have the tea time, yeah, segment which I ran out of steam
making tea and also editing. We had our ChatGPT outros.
They overdo and all those littlelike random, the random things,
(01:47):
the check in jar, yeah, that's right.
The chat jar, chat jar, that's right.
Yeah. Would you rather rather?
Yeah. And here we are.
Yeah. So actually on that, if we've
missed something and there's something you want us to bring
back, let us know. Yeah.
Yeah, Yeah. Because we've, we're just, we've
been guessing this whole year, which is the other, the other
cool thing about being in two year 2, being into year 2 now is
(02:08):
that we've got a year that we'venow kind of experimented
throughout that year to see what's working best.
And now we're into season 2 and year two of the podcasts.
And that's really exciting because we've got some
information behind us. Yeah.
So we've had over the last year we've had over 10,000 listens,
which is wild. Crazy.
We've had nearly 24,000 followers across our platforms,
(02:30):
which is also wild. We've had more than 200,000
views on our content just just in YouTube and not that's not
even TikTok 'cause we had 3.5 million on that one video but
over 200,000 views on YouTube and 1300 hours of watch time
which is crazy. Yeah, and then you did the maths
as well. So that's 54 days of people
(02:52):
watching our faces. Full days of people just
watching, not talking about the other stuff, but just watching.
Yeah. So there you go.
Which is mind blowing world. You are welcome.
You are so welcome. For that wasted 54 days of
people's lives not wasted, but it's wild.
So it was nice to look through those statistics, the analytics
and just have a look at what's actually like happened.
(03:14):
But the most important and impactful part for us has just
been the community and the conversations that it's led to,
the feedback we've had and most important, the.
Growth that we've had, yeah. Absolutely together.
And that's why we do it. So it's huge.
It started just as a way for us to have our own conversations.
It started kind of as an extension of the conversations
(03:35):
we're already having. And seeing how much has
resonated with the world has just been incredibly
encouraging. So thank you for being here for.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.It's amazing.
Absolutely, yeah. So today we thought what better
way of celebrating our one year anniversary of the podcast by
diving in do some Reddit storieson the topic of how to stay
(03:56):
connected in a relationship through the chaos of parenting,
which is very relatable for us. Yes, definitely where we are at.
So we've got some interesting Reddit stories and we're going
to go about them in a little bitof a different way this this
episode, which I think will be really impactful.
But also stay tuned for our reality corner at the end
(04:17):
because we are going to be pushing you to rethink how
you're balancing your marriage with some really impactful
challenges and reframing and future pacing.
So make sure you stick around for that.
All right, well, let's dive in. Yeah, to go.
Honey we need to chat. First story on Reddit is called
(04:43):
balancing motherhood and marriage.
My husband and I fight all the time.
It's mainly about housework and caring for our baby.
I'm on maternity leave but will be going back to work soon.
He does no housework at the moment and tells me to chill out
when I ask him to contribute. He often falls asleep after work
or Dodge is looking after the baby so I don't really get a
break. He said if I don't do the
(05:04):
housework as much maybe I could relax a little more.
He calls me highly strung. He does sometimes offer to help
by looking after a baby for the day on a weekend every so often,
like once every two months so I can get a massage, massage,
etcetera. But what I would prefer is his
help from the day to day so my stress levels don't build.
We can't really communicate about it anymore as it ends up
(05:25):
in a yelling match. He gets very angry for the most
infuriating reasons. Today he fell asleep on the
couch. I went to go to bed and he woke
up and told me off for leaving him there as it wasn't
comfortable and rude and even earlier today when he got home I
asked if he could watch the babyas I didn't have a chance to
have a shower. He told me to do it quickly as
and that he would prefer if I gave him notice before he got
(05:46):
home if he needed if I needed him to look after the baby.
He later apologised for this. I don't even know what my
question is but I'm really finding it hard to balance his
mood swings with the day to Anyone else have similar
experiences? I've been in an emotionally
abusive relationship before and I'm not sure if this is one.
Also I I can't identify it as I'm too close to the subject.
(06:11):
I actually in my head I'm like, oh man, I wish I had the Dutch
group crew here to see, to hear what their opinions would be on
that. Because straight away my mind
goes to it's, it's becoming apparent is so tiring.
You know, it's very, very tiring.
And we, we talk back about when,you know, you and I've reflected
(06:32):
back when we were renovating thehouse and we're so tired and our
communication was one of the first things that drops, like
our ability to communicate well and to fight well and to argue
well. Like that was the thing that
dropped the the quickest, I guess, and which was so ironic
because we we've been doing thispodcast and everything else as
well, right? Which also just shows that we're
(06:52):
definitely in this growth periodstill.
Yeah. And so, yeah, like that's it's a
hearing that I'm like, I caught they're tired, you know, like
parenting is tiring. And you know, I was struggling
yesterday, right? Like last night you were asking
me, you know, am I getting overwhelmed and so forth because
it's getting snappy with the kids.
And for me, it wasn't the tiredness.
(07:13):
It was, it was tiredness definitely was a part of it.
But my backs being sore, my lower backs being sore.
And it's like this thing that it's, it's not that the kids
have been overly difficult on doing it or anything else like
that, but I'm in a situation where I'm uncomfortable and it
sparks my reaction. And again, like can come back to
(07:33):
this scenario here where tiredness creeps in.
It's and their ability to communicate well has been
dropped because of another circumstance.
Yeah. Absolutely, there's lots of
factors there. I think setting aside like him
getting mad at her for not waking him up when he was asleep
on the couch is an interesting thing.
I think that's not really her response.
Did he say he apologised for that after?
(07:54):
He did apologise for that after.Yeah.
So he obviously realised that's not right.
Yeah. But setting aside some of the, I
guess, specifics for these people, because I have no idea
and I know she asks at the end, is this emotionally abusive?
I've got no idea and I can't speak into that because I don't.
Yeah, there are definitely are so many layers that go on in
relationships. And I was thinking about how she
(08:16):
does a lot of housework and he tells her to chill out and that
if she didn't do so much, she wouldn't be so stressed.
So obviously, his perspective ofit is you're doing more than you
need to. Yeah.
And then her perspective of it is you're not doing anything.
So now I have to do it all. And so I think neither side of
those things is wrong and neither side of those things is
(08:36):
accurate. So like him saying just don't do
so much and you wouldn't be so stressed.
It's probably not true. She probably still would be
stressed and probably he doesn'tunderstand because he's not
doing the work, what needs to bedone to keep the house going.
Yeah, and I think you, you just pinpointed on a, a pinpoint, a
pinpoint. A good point there was that, you
know, she, you know, if you didn't do as much, you might be
you you'll be less stressed. Well, she might be stressed
(08:58):
because of the mess, you know, Imean, like different people have
those different triggers there. It's like, well, actually I need
a clean house. Like, I feel, you know, I've had
this conversation before or whenyou were when, when you had more
kids at home. We got a lot of that kids in
school now. But when when you have more kids
at home, you would say things like when the bin is full, if
the bin hasn't been emptied, thewhole house feels like a mess or
(09:20):
the dishes aren't done, the whole house is a mess.
I was like this whole feeling thing for you as well.
You couldn't relax. As much cheaper.
Overwhelming. Exactly.
And that was, you know, and thatwas really great for me to be
like, cool, well, I need to prioritise the bins and I, you
know, I don't do it perfectly, but it's just that thing for me
to be like, all right, cool. The bins and dishes are a big
help for you. If I can do the bins and the
(09:41):
dishes, that's a big help for you.
You know, I have responsibility in the house as well, but I'll
just in, in regards to your relaxing and you'll be able to
switch off. So, you know, it's not as easy
for him to say don't do as much and you won't be as stressed.
That's not necessarily. True.
And I think as well, I have alsobeen the person who doesn't do
(10:03):
as much. And so I've been I and I really
wrestle with that. And sometimes I, I can't even
really think of a specific scenario, but I know this
feeling of being like, it doesn't need to be done.
And now I feel guilty that I'm not doing it.
But you've chosen to do this isn't even necessarily you could
be when I was growing up to likeyou've chosen.
This is the task you want to do.I haven't, I don't think it
needs to be done right now. And I now feel guilty, which is
(10:25):
also a self inflicted guilt. But unfortunately self inflicted
guilt often gets like projected back.
Even though you know the person might not be complaining, you
still react out of guilt. And then you often it's a
defensiveness. It's just a spiral basically is
what I'm trying to explain. But I do remember feeling the
feeling of like I'm not wired this way or I don't see it or I
(10:46):
don't have this like internal motivation or I haven't kind of
tapped into whatever that is that some people have where they
just can maintain their house really well.
And so then I don't get it. And I also then feel guilty on
top of that. And it's a really interesting
dynamic because I find it at least really paralysing.
I find it really like instead ofit being like a motivation to
(11:08):
then go do stuff. And we've spoken about this a
lot across the board. Like Blair is really, he's
really like, we need to do this.And that kind of motivation in
motivates him to do it. So he'll be like, oh, we really
should save more money or are wereally should eat more healthy.
And that's that's the thing thatthen he's like, yeah, I'm going
to eat more healthy. Whereas when I'm like, oh, I
really should do this thing, it really like just shuts me down.
(11:32):
If I'm like, yeah, I really should be saving more money.
And I get anxious about it. Like switches from just a
motivation to an anxiety. It shuts me down.
Really. Like it's taking a while for me
to understand that. But instead I could be like, I
want my house to look this way. If I reframe it to be like what
I want rather than I need to do this thing, It's, it's, that's
what I find motivating, which isn't everybody.
So I don't know what his deal is.
(11:53):
I don't know. I don't know if, but I wonder if
he knows how little he does, if he knows how much she does and
how little he does. And he's just stuck in the
spiral of like, I feel like a horrible person because I'm
doing nothing. And even this like sleep thing,
like he apologised for, I feel like a horrible person cuz I'm
doing nothing and I'm reacting out of it.
(12:13):
And he's just stuck in this, like, wheel spinning cycle,
yeah, and doesn't know how to dostuff.
Yeah. Well, two things for that.
Like, so you, you know, you know, a big part of what you
just shared then was then also helping me to know how to talk
to you about it, right? So for me to be like, yeah, OK,
we need to save money, we need to do that.
It shuts you down. Say, you know, there's a point
(12:34):
where it's like, cool, what getsme going?
And that's the deciding and doing something about it.
But if I want you on that journey too, I can't just do
that. I have to also, you know,
approach you in the way that's not going to make you shut down.
So that's the, that's a growth point there.
Secondly as well, like what you just said, then you mentioned
about, you know, you don't know what his deal is like he's, he
(12:54):
might be feeling guilty. He's not doing anything around
the house. Again, we're only getting one
side to this story. I remember, I think it was last
week or the week before, there was this conversation that we're
reading out about how a mum was saying like you don't do
anything around the house. And from his perspective, he's
like, well, I do a lot around the house.
(13:15):
I do external. Like, you know, I like the
building stuff. I do the, the lawns, the bins,
like he does certain things around the house.
And so it's yeah, again, we justgotta be careful on our lens of
him. We don't know the complete
story, so we don't know the other things that he does.
What this story shows me though is that she could possibly be
(13:35):
feeling overwhelmed with the jaws that she is doing and as
well just feeling that disconnect with that team
element to the parenting and thechores in inside and stuff like
that too. So for a lot of guys, it's the I
don't know what they want. You know, it's like, I want you
to do more, OK, I'm doing more. I'm going to go mow the lawns.
I'm going to do, you know, I'm going to take the dog for a
(13:57):
walk. I'm going to.
And it's like, oh, no, you're not.
You're missing the point that she's not saying do more in
general. It's like, you know, come help
me with this specific thing. Take things from me.
Exactly, exactly right. And sometimes that's not
communicating clearly. It's it's the the communication
is do more. The guy I receives that do more.
Got it. I'll do more, but it's not
(14:19):
meeting the person where they'reat the where they're at all the
you know, whatever else and viceversa too, right.
You you see that both sides. I come from the perspective a
lot from the dad's side of thingand the male side of thing
because of the work that I mean.And there are a lot of the
conversations that I have with dads of that I don't know what
she wants. She says I'll do more to do
more. I'll do more.
And then I we're back in this fight.
(14:40):
I'm like, I don't know what to do from here.
And we've even had guys writing and say like a topic that they
want to know more about is how does my partner think there's
this whole unspoken part of a relationship?
And like, I just want to know what she's thinking so I can
actually do what she's wanting me to do.
Like to fill that gap that she might have.
It's just like frustration is boiling too, which also could be
(15:03):
feeding into their arguments andstuff as well.
Yeah, I totally agree. To be fair to her, I think she
does mention in the story that she's tried to communicate about
this and that it ends up in fights.
So but again, IA 100% agree. I think there is a
miscommunication. I think there there sounds like
there is a miscommunication. What else it sounds like is
mismatched expectations about what will be done.
(15:26):
And as we've mentioned so many times and as applies to almost
every story, how you're raised will really impact this.
And so you'll come into a relationship with an idea.
Even when we spoke about these things and we went through
premarital counselling and we spoke about these things and,
and identified them and we were working with the counsellor as
well. And so we had that foundation
(15:46):
and we still have things that webring in without even realising
as expectations and project ontothe situation.
And I, I think this is a super common story.
I think this is again, removing their specifics.
I don't know anything else that plays into her question about
the abuse, emotionally abusive stuff.
But I think it's a really commonstory to have this kind of
(16:07):
miscommunication around what is going to be done, what you need.
She might be saying she needs more help and he might not
understand what that means. Maybe they haven't gotten super
clear. But I think the curiosity
element coming at this with curiosity, trying to have these
conversations as well. If if she has been raising this
and it's not going anywhere, saying it in the moment, be
(16:27):
like, can you help me? Or like being like, you didn't,
you haven't done anything. Can you do this?
Like that's probably not going to be the most constructive way
if that's how she's gone about them.
But having a conversation removed from this, maybe even
having a conversation if you can, removed from the baby, like
you're not in the middle of caring for the baby.
Maybe the baby's asleep or you've got babysitters and
having a date night or a check in night or something and being
(16:48):
able to have this conversation saying I'm really overwhelmed by
the house stuff. I want to know what's going on,
like, can you help me with this stuff?
And then if it's, you know, if you're feeling like there's
still some resistance there, being curious, like what's going
on for you? Like what?
How is this playing out for you?Yeah, because like even with
that, you know, and going back to the story you mentioned
earlier about how, you know, I've approached you before about
(17:11):
we need to save now and it shutsyou down and you're like I, you
just get overwhelmed with the directness of it.
I get everyone way. I'll be like, Oh my gosh, we're
we're really in a bad place. I don't want to do this thing.
Yeah. And we're not in a bad place.
It's just like my approach to itis like, well, I don't want to
be in a bad, bad place. I want to be moving forward.
(17:31):
So I was like, all right, cool, we need to do this now is what
we need to do. And I'm very like direct and to
the point with it, which doesn'thelp you.
So we, we got to the point wherewe had to talk through that, you
know, and it wasn't just a matter of like, all right, now
we need to do savings and we have to, you know, the point
wasn't about the object objective that we're trying to
(17:52):
which I was trying to achieve. It was really about all right,
cool. Again, the big thing that we got
from our over the years over therelationship is attitude of
curiosity. We've really tried to implement
that. So it's being curious about, OK,
why are you shutting down right now?
Saving is a good thing. Why can't this be a good thing?
Why is this now an issue? Well, it's not about saving,
(18:15):
like that's not the issue. It's about the way that I'm
processing it, about the way that you're receiving it.
And we still struggle with that.Like we're still, I mean, two
weeks ago we had this conversation or a week ago, you
know, it's, it's something that we're continually building on,
but that's where we keep coming back to is it's like, all right,
cool, that's the issue. Cool, let's talk about that.
But then why? What's what's happening here in
(18:35):
the in the conversation as well was we're addressing two things
when we bring that stuff up. And we've even had times where
so we've had the conversation, we've explored this and figured
it out. And then when it plays out in
little moments, we've had times where I'll be like, I just, it
just really shuts me down when you talk like that.
And then you've been like, yeah,but I need to be able to talk
like that. And it's really relevant because
(18:56):
just because you have these really intentional conversations
about things does not mean that every time you're ever going to
talk about that topic, you have to be like, okay, we've got the
babysitter and I'm sitting down.I'm just going to be curious.
Like, you're not, that's not real.
You're not going to live that way all the time.
It's about we've recognised there's something in how this
dynamic plays out that just triggers.
(19:17):
And so then we've gone and been intentional in like
independently to like figure outwhat's going on and then also
worked on it together. Yeah.
And doesn't mean the trigger is gone.
The trigger is going to happen. But it's a good it's because
we've got that like exploration we've done together.
It's good for me because I can be like, why am I like so put
off by how you've just said that?
And then I can be like, I'm shutting down because of this.
(19:39):
And then I can even say that to you like, yeah, I just, I really
shut down when you talk like that.
But also for you to say this is how I talk and this is how I
motivate it. It's.
How it's how I process. It's how you process Yeah,
exactly. I need a so I'm a verbal
processor and so for me it's like, all right, I'm I'm going
through a process right now. I can see a, you know, where we,
I could see a future where we'restruggling financially.
(20:02):
I've now pictured that in my head.
I can now see a way forward I need and I'm going to process
this journey. It's like now it's out of my
head. There's no stress there because
I've now processed it. I'm done.
That's good. And that's like going back to
what you're saying is that's theteamwork.
It's like I need a process. Like I need to process like
otherwise I'm going to freak outevery time I have a thought.
(20:22):
I can't talk about this. Like, why can't I talk about
this, you know? And but I I need to do the
process but then check in how you with that in our process?
And, and giving us grace that we're going to be doing this in
amongst all the chaos of life. And it's just going to come out
the way it comes out. And every time we work on it is
going to be better. But it helps inform us and it
helps inform our partners and ithelps make sense of things that
(20:43):
seem confusing. And to bring that back to the
story, she seems at a loss and we don't know what's going on
for him because we haven't heardfrom him.
But he also seems like he's acting out of something, whether
it's whatever it is, he's actingout of something because he's
getting frustrated. So there's something that's
hooked there. And they, I think that they need
to unpick that independently. Potentially she needs to like
(21:05):
approach it and maybe doesn't have that understanding.
Maybe they haven't had that conversation, but approach it
intentionally and looking in at what's going on for themselves
and being curious about what's going on for the other person,
at least just to build that foundation.
So going forward, when they havethese conversations, they've got
that conversation where they've worked through it before and
it's not been in the heat of themoment and it's not been
(21:26):
reactionary. It's been like a intentional
conversation. And then like we've said, and I
just want to keep repeating thisbecause I think it's important.
We don't know their dynamics. And I'm not going to speak into
the emotionally abusive part of that question because it's not
something that we've got anything, any context for.
Yeah. Exactly.
Cool. All right, well, this is where
things are going to get a bit different to what we normally
do. I, when looking into the
(21:48):
parenting space on Reddit, the questions around parenting on
Reddit, I realised that a lot ofthem were just like moments of
people being like, I need help. And then it's the comments that
actually filled out the stories or filled out the, the purpose
of the post. Whereas, you know, a lot of our
other topics, they tell the story and then they try to get
(22:08):
like an opinion on it. And so I thought instead of just
telling someone's story and thenus chatting about it, what if we
look at some of the comments andthe responses that people have
gotten to these questions that they've put out into Reddit and
get some value from there? So that's what this is going to
be. Hey guys, we hope you are
finding this today's episode insightful and helpful.
(22:30):
If you're looking for more resources on strengthening your
relationship, visit our website.We offer a range of blogs, free
resources, and you can join our email list for regular updates
and exclusive content. Head over to honeymediachat.com
to explore more. Back to the episode.
So this post is titled For thosewho maintained a happy marriage
(22:52):
while raising kids, What did youdo right?
And the person says, I've seen it discussed a lot on here, that
evidence indicates that raising kids negatively impacts marital
satisfaction. And this seems pretty accurate
among those who comment. For those who felt that raising
kids did not have a negative impact or had minimal negative
impact, that simply comes with less quality time together.
Having a little human dependent on you 24/7.
(23:15):
What do you think helps you withthis?
What did you learn to do or to not do that kept your marital
satisfaction high? So the first comment that had a
lot of they call them up votes just to educate us on how Reddit
works. I don't really even know how
Reddit works but I know they're up votes.
The first comment was one thing helped a lot.
You hear a lot of parents say that kids are their lives.
(23:37):
But no, we love our children whoare adults now, but we made our
relationship the top priority. If we had a bad marriage, how
can we set an example for our children about healthy
relationships? We maintained a healthy sex life
as well, along with plenty of hugs, kisses, and general
affection. We did go on dates regularly and
we never let a day pass without telling each other how much we
love them. We always communicated and put
(23:59):
aside an hour a day, usually at bedtime, to just spend with each
other and talk. And we're both terribly happy.
So that was a very popular comment.
I think that's good too. We've had this conversation as
well. It's like the kids, our lives
can't revolve or change for the kids.
Well, they can't change so. Yeah, I was gonna say that.
That doesn't sound right 'cause.I can't revolve around the kids.
(24:21):
Our relationship can't revolve around the kids.
Exactly. Yeah.
So we had to. And that's where again, when we
were when we first had kids, when we had our first kid, we
decided from the very beginning,like date nights are so
important for us. And that's why I think even
yeah, from the beginning, going through COVID and all that sort
of stuff. That's why we really put in so
much focus on that even have to stay home date nights because I
(24:44):
was so important, especially going through COVID where it was
just like, man, our opportunity for out of the house activities
was gone. And so the home was just home.
There was no specialness to it. So making that special was
really important. Yeah, based off this
conversation that we're reading now.
(25:05):
Yeah, exactly. So the second comment, so this
that exact topic is going to play out through all of these
comments as well, which I think is really interesting.
Obviously there's like thousandsof comments.
I did not copy them all. I just took the top ones.
And the second comment I'll readout is I'm only one week
postpartum with our first, but I've had lots, we've had lots of
discussions around this prior tobirth.
(25:25):
We are people first. We are a couple first.
If we weren't a couple and our relationship didn't exist,
neither would our baby girl. We're one and done.
Which I imagine will help, meaning they'll only have one
kid, which I imagine will help and have talked about what
happens when she moves out. We can't only have her to talk
about for the next 18 years because then what?
We get to 18, our baby girl moves out and we have nothing
(25:47):
left to talk about or do together.
And I don't like that idea. And then someone responded, I
think it was actually the first commenter responded to this and
said that is a very healthy way to think about it.
We are retired now and both of our children are adults with
partners of their own and their lives of their own.
We are spending our time now travelling together and just
enjoying what we worked so hard for all these years.
(26:07):
And because we did make our relationship the top priority,
we are stronger and an awesome team now.
I love spending time with her. We are just so comfortable
together that we can communicatealmost without words a lot of
the time. And then someone else responded
saying this right here, our son's needs come first, but our
marriage is very close second. We prioritise taking time to
just be with each other, whatever, whether that is a trip
(26:29):
away with the grandma watching the kids or just take out after
the kids in bed. We are affectionate with each
other and generally just love being around each other.
The other thing is having each other's backs when it comes to
parenting decisions. Sometimes you need to make a
snap decision and you need to support each other and you need
to support each other in that infront of the kids.
Another person responded to thatsaying I'm curious, does this
(26:50):
apply when your spouse wants to do certain things with the kids?
Like letting them cry it out because they don't want to get
up at night, doesn't want to sign up for sports because they
don't want to do pickups, doesn't want to cook healthy
meals every day, and frequently does takeouts or frozen food?
Other parenting decisions based on personal comfort?
Do you prioritise the partners preferences or the good of the
children? I don't have kids but this is
(27:11):
something that I've thought about if I do have kids.
It's so funny. Reddit is hilarious like this.
If I do have kids, what happens if and when the good of the
child butts up against the preference of my spouse?
Certainly choosing someone with similar values is important, but
there will always be some level of difference.
And then the person responded. Just with that really quickly,
like I, I think this is funny that that person has gone on
(27:34):
this whole thing and it's like, I don't have any kids.
But I think in that scenario, it's just like, well, you've
got, you don't just do everything that your spouse
wants to do. That's not what we're saying.
It's that's a whole separate conversation about will you guys
work out what you, you decide together, the things you're
going to compromise and all thatsort of stuff.
You don't just say like, oh, my spouse doesn't want to, That's
it. And that's the decision ongoing.
(27:55):
That's part of the conversation.Yeah, that's part of the
developing the team and as parents.
Yeah, and I think that they're right.
You wouldn't normally end up in a relationship with someone with
drastically different values. You might.
You will have differences, Yeah,yeah, yeah, yeah.
But but I think once you're at that point of having children
for maybe not for everybody tendto be on the same page about
enough things. But you will have differences
(28:16):
and that's where you do navigatethat.
And it is that conversation. And no, it's not just about my
partner doesn't want to do this stuff.
So we just don't. It's a conversation.
So someone wrote back and said Ithink you have to look at each
decision as something that will affect the whole family.
Like the sleep thing. If the parents are at the end of
their rope with sleep deprivation deprivation
deprivation, with sleep deprivation that is also harmful
(28:37):
to the baby. Risk of car accident goes way
up. They have less energy for
playing and talking to the baby during the day, less patients,
they might struggle at work, etcetera.
Maybe the solution is parents taking shifts with night time
care. Maybe the solution is Co
sleeping, maybe it's sleep training.
But if your partner is looking at some kid related tasks and
saying I can't do that, it's toomuch, that needs to be taken
(28:58):
seriously. Burned out, resentful,
overstressed parents are also not good for kids.
Of course, if it's just I can't,I could do that, but I don't
want to. That's something different.
You do need to feel like your spouse is just as invested in
parenting as you are and that they have similar priorities.
I think that's really good too. Like the story we've just spoken
about, it looks like he's just doing nothing.
Yeah. And as we just discussed, I
(29:19):
don't think that's usually the situation.
I think there's often a lot of stuff just going on there, not
always, but often. So when you do have these
differences in parenting and we have had these differences in
parenting, not these ones necessarily, some of them, but
not all of them. And I think when you do have
them, it's, it's not just the person's deciding, no, I don't
want to do healthy food. I want to do take out that would
(29:42):
never be just their random decision as a parenting style.
What would be sitting behind something like that is how were
they raised? Where's their mental health at?
What's their priorities? Do they understand healthy food?
Like there's so many things thatsit behind that.
So the curiosity and the conversation is really important
because you're not meant to justbe navigating a partner saying I
(30:03):
don't want to do that because ofthis.
You are navigating a person withexperiences and that have shaped
who they are now playing out in their parenting.
And you, they're your partner that you love.
So you're trying to figure out how to work on that together.
And then the last comment was, we're still in the thick of it.
Three kids, 6, four and three months.
But here's what works for us. Don't take things personally.
Be quick to forgive. Keep your sense of humour.
(30:25):
Be intentional about how you spend your time.
Make time for each other, even if it's just after the kids go
to bed. It was interesting to watch the
put your partner first conversation play out.
A lot of people commented back on the that and was like, yes,
this, this people are so scared of this.
So one of the responses was, yeah, that's right.
Our son's needs come first, but our marriage is a very close
(30:45):
second. And a person responded and said,
this is where the issue comes in.
You're hearing neglect your child's needs and put your
spouse 1st. And that is not what what's
being said. And then at the end, they said
kids should not only see a healthy relationship between
parents, but they should also experience a healthy
relationship between parents andchild.
Meeting your child's needs should not mean neglecting your
spouse's needs, but putting yourspouse's needs first doesn't
(31:08):
mean neglecting your children, basically.
And I think that's a really important distinction because I
do think a lot of parents fall into this trap where they're
like, we have kids, they're our priority.
And it's not that they're not your priority, it's just that if
they're your priority over your relationship, the relationship
being not a priority. Willie Rd underneath all of it.
And no, it's not about about like put your spouses needs
(31:30):
first. So don't feed your children and
don't change their nappies. They're like anything that's for
their safety or their well being.
You're now like they're dependent on you.
So you're now responsible for that.
But you're meant to be doing that as a team.
And I do think there's somethingmissed across the board with
parenting where they think I have to put my my kids first and
then my my partner 2nd. And I I think that tiny little
(31:52):
adjustment actually really makesa really big difference.
So I mean, it comes into my mindtoo.
And I've always wondered this parents that Co sleep with their
kids, right? And we've had like we've had our
kids sleep in our bed and stuff like that, but they always go to
their bed first, right? And and this isn't a dishonour,
this is just a not understandingpart.
Like parents that sleep with their kids like 4 years old,
(32:15):
sort of older, right? So this isn't just baby.
Yeah, this is just where the thekids sleeps is in their bed with
them. And in my head I'm like, where
do you guys get the chance to beintimate?
Like how does that even look in that circumstance?
Because that's so important. Yeah, you know what I mean?
Like, yeah, your child in that relationship, because I know the
the focus is the relationship, really building the relationship
(32:35):
up with the child. But where is that time?
Where? And that's a genuine question.
Diet. Like maybe they're like cool,
we'll go to the couch. I don't know, like or, or what
is what does that look like? Because that's what goes in my
head. I think that's a good example
because Co sleeping, which we really like when we've had our
newborns, they've been in our bed wait for the least.
(32:56):
The last two have been in our our bed consistently for months.
And then we'll get to the point where we're like, we need space.
Like we did not. We can't have them in the bed.
And then the same thing with theroom.
Like we've been pretty quick to move our kids out of our room
when their baby's like, around, I don't know, a couple months
old maybe even except for the last one.
And then that was different. Yeah.
And but but even that, like we were like, you could feel that
(33:20):
we needed him out of the room. Like I was just like, we need
that space. We can't be constantly.
Our whole routine is around, I don't like the sleeping baby in
our, in our space and that kind of thing.
But I think the the topic itselfis not what dictates whether
you're prioritising your relationship or not.
So Co sleeping, yeah, it does add confusion, like add
(33:41):
complications to that. And I have the same question,
like, where does that happen? And I do know some families who
their whole family is in the bedwith them without like all their
children for a long time. And part of me loves that.
Like I love like that you could have them there and you could
just all cuddle and sleep together.
But exactly where does your yourtime alone come in and?
Nothing. It doesn't happen.
That was very, very. Clear on that.
(34:01):
Yeah, that's what I mean is likethe actual topic itself isn't
what dictates. That does add its own
complications, but it's comes down to how you're navigating
that. So you could still be
prioritising your relationship because you've made something
work, like you said, the couch or something like that, whatever
it is that you've got in place that works with that, as long as
the decision you're making isn'tat the detriment to your
(34:22):
relationship. And when I say detriment to, I
want to be clear because, you know, especially right after you
have a kid, for example, you're not supposed to do anything for
six weeks. And that's because your body's
healing. That doesn't mean that's at the
detriment of your marriage. And so it, that's an example of
like we got to be careful with how we define those things.
What is the detriment? But I think, you know, I think
everyone knows at their core what's at the detriment of their
(34:45):
relationship. And it's, and it's not a once
off thing to like, so when you're saying the detriment of
your relationship, we've said that you've just said that word
like 20 times in one minute. But it's like, it's this ongoing
thing. Yeah.
I mean, like that's sort of probably more your measuring
stick rather than, oh, we didn'tdo it this time or we can't do
it for six weeks now. Our relationship's gonna be
(35:05):
messed up. It's not bad.
It's like this. That's more about pattern.
Patterns. It's a culture.
Exactly. Yeah, yeah, you can find
yourself used and we've done this, we've talked about it on
episodes, found ourselves years down the track and be like, hang
on, we really need to readjust. We're not like prioritising.
We've become just friends and just existing rather than.
Into the friend zone too much. But anyway, it's interesting
(35:28):
distinction. All right, let's move on to the
Last Post slash comments section.
This one is different parenting styles really may kill my
marriage. What do I do?
My husband and I usually get along great.
We have a lot in common and support each other in many ways.
My son is almost 3 and has always been a normal toddler.
Testing boundaries, impulse control issues, not listening,
(35:49):
biting, hitting. Truly it's in the realm of
normal. It's frustrating and hard.
I know it is. I deal with a burnout of it.
My husband's days off have become horrible.
I hate when he's home. He's making my son meltdown
constantly. It's every 10 minutes I feel
he's always saying no, being disrespectful, saying things
disrespectfully at times being aggressive like picking him up
(36:11):
too hard or grabbing his arm to stop him from throwing.
He tells my son not to throw andthen throws things when he's
mad. He tells my son not to snatch
but then snatches from him. I always call him out, usually
not in front of our son. I correct him because our son
deserves better. My husband tries to control him,
tries to limit him and is too harsh on him in my opinion.
(36:31):
I don't know what to do. I don't want to be around him
and my son together because it'stoo stressful.
He says he doesn't know how to deal, how to deal with our son's
emotions. I give him books and advice and
he uses none of it. I'm afraid this is going to kill
our marriage. Does anyone have any advice
this? Is such such?
An intense conversation. So I'll read the comments first
(36:52):
because this is the reason I included the story.
So the comment that I've popped here is I was also this dad.
Whenever I heard a child scream,yell, tantrum, it set something
off of me and the need to get the child to stop was incredibly
strong and usually presented negatively.
Like yelling at the child, removing them, shouting stop
etcetera. It wasn't healthy but I didn't
(37:13):
realise it as I'd never been around young children up until
my own and those were my main memories of my father before he
left at age 6 or seven. I would say your partner needs
to understand his own emotions and realise that they will be
married and your child for the rest of their lives if things
are not resolved. What worked for me when I could
feel I was about to blow was notreacting instantly as my instant
(37:34):
reaction. What is always negative but
breathe? Seriously?
Sounds silly but it works. Think about 5 seconds and find
an appropriate logical reaction beyond wanting to Homer Simpson
them around the throat. That's such a descriptive.
If he has to leave the room for 30 seconds to come and reassess,
that's fine too. And there was another comment
here too. Another person said I was an
(37:56):
amnesty dad. The issue isn't that he doesn't
know how to deal with his son's emotions, is the issue is he
doesn't know how to deal with his own emotions.
He needs to pick his battles, reinforce positive actions, give
the son options, not threaten. Recognise when he's going to
lose control and walk away when he's about to lose his cool and
repeat it. And then someone says the last
part of this is so important. Recognising when you're going to
(38:16):
lose it and walking away. Repeat and get better.
You're the adults and you've hada lifetime to get your own
emotions. Their child with big feelings.
Basically what what the conversation unfolded in was
it's actually about the parents emotional understanding of
themselves and it's really hard when you're navigating someone
else's. So she's navigating her
(38:36):
husband's emotional reactions and his responses.
But it's again that conversationabout curiosity.
Yeah, I just, and not that I disagree with any of those
comments, I, I just, it's just not as easy as those comments
make it sound to be. You know, and I've mentioned
(38:58):
before, this is a lot of the line of work that I work in work
revolves around, right, Is the the fact that we're we're
changing a culture in fatherhoodfor the support dads gets, you
know, through the health system when babies born and after birth
and all this sort of stuff. A big thing that we find though,
is it's a culture that we have adopted from what we've seen,
(39:19):
right? So that culture is changing, but
that to change a culture takes along time.
And so for a lot of these people, it's like, oh, just take
a breath, Just just do this, just do that.
It's not as easy as just do the thing.
And this is coming from experience too, right?
Like I struggle with patients. I've struggled with anger.
We've been serious moments. I remember you one, one weekend
(39:41):
you actually took the kids away because I just wasn't coping
with, with the, with them with, with like being overwhelmed.
I just wasn't coping. I was, I was just dealing with
the situation so, so poorly. And it's just the, it's, it's an
ongoing challenging growth. What I don't like about this
story is that it seems like fromone side up that he's not
(40:04):
willing or not being intentionalwith what he's working on that I
don't believe there's any excusefor.
And I think everything, like I said, I'm not disagreeing with
any of the comments. I just think it's like, cool.
It's not. Now to start breathing and it's
going to be fixed, it's like, no, this is actually going to be
a journey for this guy. And it's such a common journey
for a lot of lot of guys to break free from that experience
(40:27):
that they've experienced and to realise this isn't doesn't have
to be their reality and there issomething that they can do.
Breathing definitely helps. Taking a step away definitely
helps. There's all these things that
definitely help. But for that to be the new norm
of their instant reaction is going to be time, time,
intentionality. And yeah, So what we don't see
(40:47):
again, like from this story is him saying like, yeah, I want to
do these things. The mum is saying I'm trying to
help him, I'm trying to support him with him, which is
fantastic. What we need to see is that he's
willing to actually do those things too.
It's never an excuse. So we never ever, ever, ever,
ever excuse behaviour. But we we normalise the struggle
and that's really important. Yeah, I definitely, this is
(41:09):
another one of these examples where we set aside their
specific relationship because I don't know where he's at in
terms of being willing to work on it.
And it does sound like he's not.But what's interesting is I
loved how many people were responding to them in the
comments saying this was me, like I was this dad.
And I think it's, as we've said,our parenting styles, the what
(41:31):
we were raised in or what we experienced as kids really
impacts how we navigate parenting.
And a lot of those people were saying, yeah, this is what I saw
in my parents or in my father, and that's just what I projected
out there. She says different parenting
styles. And people are like, it's not
actually different parenting styles that he's not healthy.
He has not had work, he's not done work on his experience and
(41:55):
his trauma. And so he's coming out of an
unhealthy way. And it's actually his emotions
that he's navigating. It's not the child's emotions.
And so I think This is why things like therapy is so
important, being able to work through those things, having
that curiosity about what their experience was, but also making
it really clear. Like there have been times where
I remember one time I said to you, I think you're scaring the
(42:17):
kids. Like I think you're scaring them
and you didn't realise that. And so as much as that, just to
be really clear, but there was nothing like this story just to
be. I just need to say that because
I don't want people to think of that.
But just like with kind of the the intense reactions, the
volume. Of.
The volume, yeah, which is just a natural thing as well.
You don't even realise how you're coming across.
And I've done the same with the kids.
(42:37):
I don't sometimes I have no ideaI'm coming across.
All I know is I'm overwhelmed, I'm over stimulated, I'm
frustrated, I'm tired. I, I've, you know, this is not
me, but you know, I could have seen kids were to be silent and
be present growing up. And so that I'm like my kids not
silent and present. So I'm reacting like this.
And that's like, that's everything that comes into play
when you're a parent. And it sounds like she's been
(42:58):
very intentional with like learning about parenting,
looking into books and resourcesand understanding why things
aren't meant to be done that wayor why it's more healthy to do
it a different way. So potentially she's really put
that effort in regardless of howshe was raised, but she's in a
place where she's understanding that and it's removed from her
emotions. I don't think he's in that
place. And so having really important
(43:21):
conversations, being firm with it, saying this is actually not
OK to keep going. Like I think you're scaring him
or I think this is going to be damaging and I'm and we need to
do something about it. But also curiosity and
gentleness around where he's coming from and why he reacts
this way. And encouraging getting extra
support I think is really important because yeah, these
(43:43):
things do sit there and I think there's a whole group of people
that don't necessarily they'll be like, yeah, I had horrible
things happen, but it's whatever.
Like I'm, I've moved on. And they don't necessarily
acknowledge that what has happened to you has shaped how
you think and react and feel. And it's going to have long term
impacts. And so you might be surviving
and fine, like you might feel OKon the surface.
(44:05):
But really there's, there's a lot of stuff that has been
impacted by experiences you've had growing up or whatever.
And you do like there is so muchbenefit to be done by exploring
those things and looking into especially therapy, especially
if it's something like this. I feel like that could be really
helpful. Hmm.
And Daddy's group is really helpful.
That's what Blair, the organisation Blair works for,
(44:26):
as. You gonna say as well if, if, if
you are a dad or even a mum thatis struggling with this sort of
stuff, like please get in contact.
We have support available for you.
Yeah, free support. So please get in contact with us
again, go to honey, we need to chat.com.
You can get in contact there andwould love to refer you one.
So again, the big thing here here is is it's one thing to
(44:48):
identify your struggle, which isgreat.
Then the next step is do something about it.
When in 10 dads struggle with post Natal depression, which is
a stack and a lot of dads don't even people don't even know that
dads can get post Natal depression.
They do 56% of dads don't do anything about it.
So this is really huge stats, man.
This is a a lot of dads that arestruggling with post Natal
(45:09):
depression and don't do anythingabout it.
So get in contacts, don't be oneof those stats, come and do
something about it. Yeah.
Yeah, that's good. All right, well, we're going to
move into the reality check corner for this episode.
This is where we want to make these episodes something that
can be applied to your life right now and your relationship
right now, Something that can challenge you in this moment and
(45:29):
actually be practical, not just something you've listened to.
So if you are up to the challenge, join us.
First one is a reflection promptand it's a little bit longer
than normal, but I think it's important.
So just have a think about what this reflection prompts that I'm
going to read out. Where are you prioritising your
kids over your partner and is there space to shift that?
A lot of people believe that their kids should come first.
(45:52):
But what if prioritising your partner actually benefits
everyone, including your kids? We're not talking about
neglecting daily needs or safety.
We're talking about making sure your relationship isn't running
on leftovers. Ask yourself, are you modelling
the kind of partnership you'd want your kids to have?
And is there one small shift youcould make this week to show
your partner that they still matter?
(46:13):
So that's just a little reflection prompt.
I love those two questions, especially the first one.
Are you modelling the kind of partnership you'd want your kids
to have? That's a really good lens for a
lot of stuff. We've spoken about that quite a
lot of you know, So for me, obviously being a guy, I have my
boys very much in my mind in regards to how they treat women,
(46:34):
how they present themselves, allthis sort of stuff like how they
can be confident in their role as a man and all this sort of
stuff. But at the same time, I'm also
very aware of my daughter being very aware of what good guys are
and aren't, you know, like, and so helping those sorts of
things, being intentional. And it's like, I can speak in
our kids all day long, but what they see is so much more
(46:57):
powerful. Yeah, exactly.
So are you modelling the kind ofpartnership you'd want your kids
to have? And is there one small shift you
can make this week that might show your partner they still
matter? So here's a connection challenge
this week. Schedule a no kids allowed date
night. It doesn't have to be
extravagant. A simple dinner or a walk can
work wonders. And I'll add to this that I
didn't add to that earlier at home date night this week,
(47:20):
challenge yourself. If you've got babysitters and
you and or you can leave your kids at home because they're old
enough, awesome, Get out. Do that.
If not, and you're like, but we don't have this resource, do an
at home date night. It can be ordering take out.
It can be making your own food after they've gone to bed,
setting this this space up. Nice.
We've got so much stuff that we've already spoken about with
the at home date nights. Look through our socials if you
(47:42):
want more suggestions, there's questions on our website in the
free resources of 50 day date night questions.
So if you're like, I don't know what we'd even talk about, go
through those. There's a check in thing you can
do there. It could be just a dinner.
If you can't even do dinner because your kids are up too
late and they just don't go to bed in time, do a hot chocolate
or a dessert night or something like that.
But I would challenge if your partner is in the same place as
(48:05):
you this week, everyone is able to make some time that is like a
night or time set aside without the kids this week.
So that's the challenge. Set that, schedule it now,
figure out how you're going to do that and implement it this
week. And the last part of our reality
check corner is the future pace exercise.
And this is where we're going toproject a future.
And we're going to borrow from that future, that vision that we
(48:27):
have, the clarity we can see andfeel and taste, see and feel and
experience by thinking about this future that we want.
And we're going to see what we can borrow from that into today
to help motivate us and refocus us.
So you can close your eyes or you can just listen as I read
out this future pace. Fast forward 15 years.
The kids are busy, independent, the house is quiet.
(48:49):
It's just you and your partner. What does the silence feel like?
Is it warm, familiar and connected?
Or is it distant like two peoplewho became great Co parents but
forgot how to be partners? Now we rewind to today.
That future is being built rightnow.
What is one small shift you can make today to keep your
connection alive? And how can you invest in your
relationship now so that you don't have to rebuild it later?
(49:11):
All righty guys. Cool.
That's a good one. Happy one year.
I. Love it.
Remember, we're not about perfection, we're just about
making intentional efforts. So and in parenting, it's just a
whole range of layers and dynamic that come across and lie
across your relationship. So it's just about being
intentional in those spaces and figuring out where you can make
(49:32):
little adjustments to reach the future that you want for your
relationship. Thanks for being with us guys.
Make sure to check out the website Honey We need to
chat.com for any freebies and wewill chat to you later.
Good chat. Thanks guys.
Bye.
One weekend you actually took the kids away because I just
wasn't coping with like being overwhelmed.
I just wasn't coping. I was.
I was just dealing with the situation so, so poorly.
Hello and welcome back to Honey.Welcome back.
What, are you gonna say something?
I was. Yeah, I knew it.
Welcome back to Honey. We need a chat.
I'm Amy and this is my husband, Blair.
(00:21):
Hi. And we are a podcast that
believes that when communicationdies, bad things happen.
So we're all about communicationin relationships.
And today is a really special episode because.
One year. Baby of honey, we need a chat.
There we go On the 22nd, which will be on the weekend before
this comes out, is our one year anniversary at the podcast,
which is crazy because it actually feels like it's been
(00:42):
longer. Yeah, yeah.
I was going to say that it's like only one year.
Yeah, yeah, it's for like a lot longer.
Yeah. But it's been, it's been an
awesome year and you guys have been the biggest part of that.
So thank you for being here. Yeah, absolutely.
And it's been like it's been, it's been a great year too.
Like we had that big break in, in between seasons and when
we're renovating the house and so forth.
But it's been a year of, you know, opportunities for us to go
(01:06):
through Reddits and learn from other people's experiences and
journeys. We've had you guys writing and
we've been learning from your experiences and journeys.
We've had guest speakers, we've had our deep dives in our
relationship mainly on on Patreon and and in on this on
the regular episodes as well. But it's been a lot in that
(01:27):
year, which has been absolutely amazing.
And I think that's why it's so weird.
It's only. Yeah, I know.
I know, yeah, I was thinking back even to some of the
segments that we've had and finished.
So we have the tea time, yeah, segment which I ran out of steam
making tea and also editing. We had our ChatGPT outros.
They overdo and all those littlelike random, the random things,
(01:47):
the check in jar, yeah, that's right.
The chat jar, chat jar, that's right.
Yeah. Would you rather rather?
Yeah. And here we are.
Yeah. So actually on that, if we've
missed something and there's something you want us to bring
back, let us know. Yeah.
Yeah, Yeah. Because we've, we're just, we've
been guessing this whole year, which is the other, the other
cool thing about being in two year 2, being into year 2 now is
(02:08):
that we've got a year that we'venow kind of experimented
throughout that year to see what's working best.
And now we're into season 2 and year two of the podcasts.
And that's really exciting because we've got some
information behind us. Yeah.
So we've had over the last year we've had over 10,000 listens,
which is wild. Crazy.
We've had nearly 24,000 followers across our platforms,
(02:30):
which is also wild. We've had more than 200,000
views on our content just just in YouTube and not that's not
even TikTok 'cause we had 3.5 million on that one video but
over 200,000 views on YouTube and 1300 hours of watch time
which is crazy. Yeah, and then you did the maths
as well. So that's 54 days of people
(02:52):
watching our faces. Full days of people just
watching, not talking about the other stuff, but just watching.
Yeah. So there you go.
Which is mind blowing world. You are welcome.
You are so welcome. For that wasted 54 days of
people's lives not wasted, but it's wild.
So it was nice to look through those statistics, the analytics
and just have a look at what's actually like happened.
(03:14):
But the most important and impactful part for us has just
been the community and the conversations that it's led to,
the feedback we've had and most important, the.
Growth that we've had, yeah. Absolutely together.
And that's why we do it. So it's huge.
It started just as a way for us to have our own conversations.
It started kind of as an extension of the conversations
(03:35):
we're already having. And seeing how much has
resonated with the world has just been incredibly
encouraging. So thank you for being here for.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.It's amazing.
Absolutely, yeah. So today we thought what better
way of celebrating our one year anniversary of the podcast by
diving in do some Reddit storieson the topic of how to stay
(03:56):
connected in a relationship through the chaos of parenting,
which is very relatable for us. Yes, definitely where we are at.
So we've got some interesting Reddit stories and we're going
to go about them in a little bitof a different way this this
episode, which I think will be really impactful.
But also stay tuned for our reality corner at the end
(04:17):
because we are going to be pushing you to rethink how
you're balancing your marriage with some really impactful
challenges and reframing and future pacing.
So make sure you stick around for that.
All right, well, let's dive in. Yeah, to go.
Honey we need to chat. First story on Reddit is called
(04:43):
balancing motherhood and marriage.
My husband and I fight all the time.
It's mainly about housework and caring for our baby.
I'm on maternity leave but will be going back to work soon.
He does no housework at the moment and tells me to chill out
when I ask him to contribute. He often falls asleep after work
or Dodge is looking after the baby so I don't really get a
break. He said if I don't do the
(05:04):
housework as much maybe I could relax a little more.
He calls me highly strung. He does sometimes offer to help
by looking after a baby for the day on a weekend every so often,
like once every two months so I can get a massage, massage,
etcetera. But what I would prefer is his
help from the day to day so my stress levels don't build.
We can't really communicate about it anymore as it ends up
(05:25):
in a yelling match. He gets very angry for the most
infuriating reasons. Today he fell asleep on the
couch. I went to go to bed and he woke
up and told me off for leaving him there as it wasn't
comfortable and rude and even earlier today when he got home I
asked if he could watch the babyas I didn't have a chance to
have a shower. He told me to do it quickly as
and that he would prefer if I gave him notice before he got
(05:46):
home if he needed if I needed him to look after the baby.
He later apologised for this. I don't even know what my
question is but I'm really finding it hard to balance his
mood swings with the day to Anyone else have similar
experiences? I've been in an emotionally
abusive relationship before and I'm not sure if this is one.
Also I I can't identify it as I'm too close to the subject.
(06:11):
I actually in my head I'm like, oh man, I wish I had the Dutch
group crew here to see, to hear what their opinions would be on
that. Because straight away my mind
goes to it's, it's becoming apparent is so tiring.
You know, it's very, very tiring.
And we, we talk back about when,you know, you and I've reflected
(06:32):
back when we were renovating thehouse and we're so tired and our
communication was one of the first things that drops, like
our ability to communicate well and to fight well and to argue
well. Like that was the thing that
dropped the the quickest, I guess, and which was so ironic
because we we've been doing thispodcast and everything else as
well, right? Which also just shows that we're
(06:52):
definitely in this growth periodstill.
Yeah. And so, yeah, like that's it's a
hearing that I'm like, I caught they're tired, you know, like
parenting is tiring. And you know, I was struggling
yesterday, right? Like last night you were asking
me, you know, am I getting overwhelmed and so forth because
it's getting snappy with the kids.
And for me, it wasn't the tiredness.
(07:13):
It was, it was tiredness definitely was a part of it.
But my backs being sore, my lower backs being sore.
And it's like this thing that it's, it's not that the kids
have been overly difficult on doing it or anything else like
that, but I'm in a situation where I'm uncomfortable and it
sparks my reaction. And again, like can come back to
(07:33):
this scenario here where tiredness creeps in.
It's and their ability to communicate well has been
dropped because of another circumstance.
Yeah. Absolutely, there's lots of
factors there. I think setting aside like him
getting mad at her for not waking him up when he was asleep
on the couch is an interesting thing.
I think that's not really her response.
Did he say he apologised for that after?
(07:54):
He did apologise for that after.Yeah.
So he obviously realised that's not right.
Yeah. But setting aside some of the, I
guess, specifics for these people, because I have no idea
and I know she asks at the end, is this emotionally abusive?
I've got no idea and I can't speak into that because I don't.
Yeah, there are definitely are so many layers that go on in
relationships. And I was thinking about how she
(08:16):
does a lot of housework and he tells her to chill out and that
if she didn't do so much, she wouldn't be so stressed.
So obviously, his perspective ofit is you're doing more than you
need to. Yeah.
And then her perspective of it is you're not doing anything.
So now I have to do it all. And so I think neither side of
those things is wrong and neither side of those things is
(08:36):
accurate. So like him saying just don't do
so much and you wouldn't be so stressed.
It's probably not true. She probably still would be
stressed and probably he doesn'tunderstand because he's not
doing the work, what needs to bedone to keep the house going.
Yeah, and I think you, you just pinpointed on a, a pinpoint, a
pinpoint. A good point there was that, you
know, she, you know, if you didn't do as much, you might be
you you'll be less stressed. Well, she might be stressed
(08:58):
because of the mess, you know, Imean, like different people have
those different triggers there. It's like, well, actually I need
a clean house. Like, I feel, you know, I've had
this conversation before or whenyou were when, when you had more
kids at home. We got a lot of that kids in
school now. But when when you have more kids
at home, you would say things like when the bin is full, if
the bin hasn't been emptied, thewhole house feels like a mess or
(09:20):
the dishes aren't done, the whole house is a mess.
I was like this whole feeling thing for you as well.
You couldn't relax. As much cheaper.
Overwhelming. Exactly.
And that was, you know, and thatwas really great for me to be
like, cool, well, I need to prioritise the bins and I, you
know, I don't do it perfectly, but it's just that thing for me
to be like, all right, cool. The bins and dishes are a big
help for you. If I can do the bins and the
(09:41):
dishes, that's a big help for you.
You know, I have responsibility in the house as well, but I'll
just in, in regards to your relaxing and you'll be able to
switch off. So, you know, it's not as easy
for him to say don't do as much and you won't be as stressed.
That's not necessarily. True.
And I think as well, I have alsobeen the person who doesn't do
(10:03):
as much. And so I've been I and I really
wrestle with that. And sometimes I, I can't even
really think of a specific scenario, but I know this
feeling of being like, it doesn't need to be done.
And now I feel guilty that I'm not doing it.
But you've chosen to do this isn't even necessarily you could
be when I was growing up to likeyou've chosen.
This is the task you want to do.I haven't, I don't think it
needs to be done right now. And I now feel guilty, which is
(10:25):
also a self inflicted guilt. But unfortunately self inflicted
guilt often gets like projected back.
Even though you know the person might not be complaining, you
still react out of guilt. And then you often it's a
defensiveness. It's just a spiral basically is
what I'm trying to explain. But I do remember feeling the
feeling of like I'm not wired this way or I don't see it or I
(10:46):
don't have this like internal motivation or I haven't kind of
tapped into whatever that is that some people have where they
just can maintain their house really well.
And so then I don't get it. And I also then feel guilty on
top of that. And it's a really interesting
dynamic because I find it at least really paralysing.
I find it really like instead ofit being like a motivation to
(11:08):
then go do stuff. And we've spoken about this a
lot across the board. Like Blair is really, he's
really like, we need to do this.And that kind of motivation in
motivates him to do it. So he'll be like, oh, we really
should save more money or are wereally should eat more healthy.
And that's that's the thing thatthen he's like, yeah, I'm going
to eat more healthy. Whereas when I'm like, oh, I
really should do this thing, it really like just shuts me down.
(11:32):
If I'm like, yeah, I really should be saving more money.
And I get anxious about it. Like switches from just a
motivation to an anxiety. It shuts me down.
Really. Like it's taking a while for me
to understand that. But instead I could be like, I
want my house to look this way. If I reframe it to be like what
I want rather than I need to do this thing, It's, it's, that's
what I find motivating, which isn't everybody.
So I don't know what his deal is.
(11:53):
I don't know. I don't know if, but I wonder if
he knows how little he does, if he knows how much she does and
how little he does. And he's just stuck in the
spiral of like, I feel like a horrible person because I'm
doing nothing. And even this like sleep thing,
like he apologised for, I feel like a horrible person cuz I'm
doing nothing and I'm reacting out of it.
(12:13):
And he's just stuck in this, like, wheel spinning cycle,
yeah, and doesn't know how to dostuff.
Yeah. Well, two things for that.
Like, so you, you know, you know, a big part of what you
just shared then was then also helping me to know how to talk
to you about it, right? So for me to be like, yeah, OK,
we need to save money, we need to do that.
It shuts you down. Say, you know, there's a point
(12:34):
where it's like, cool, what getsme going?
And that's the deciding and doing something about it.
But if I want you on that journey too, I can't just do
that. I have to also, you know,
approach you in the way that's not going to make you shut down.
So that's the, that's a growth point there.
Secondly as well, like what you just said, then you mentioned
about, you know, you don't know what his deal is like he's, he
(12:54):
might be feeling guilty. He's not doing anything around
the house. Again, we're only getting one
side to this story. I remember, I think it was last
week or the week before, there was this conversation that we're
reading out about how a mum was saying like you don't do
anything around the house. And from his perspective, he's
like, well, I do a lot around the house.
(13:15):
I do external. Like, you know, I like the
building stuff. I do the, the lawns, the bins,
like he does certain things around the house.
And so it's yeah, again, we justgotta be careful on our lens of
him. We don't know the complete
story, so we don't know the other things that he does.
What this story shows me though is that she could possibly be
(13:35):
feeling overwhelmed with the jaws that she is doing and as
well just feeling that disconnect with that team
element to the parenting and thechores in inside and stuff like
that too. So for a lot of guys, it's the I
don't know what they want. You know, it's like, I want you
to do more, OK, I'm doing more. I'm going to go mow the lawns.
I'm going to do, you know, I'm going to take the dog for a
(13:57):
walk. I'm going to.
And it's like, oh, no, you're not.
You're missing the point that she's not saying do more in
general. It's like, you know, come help
me with this specific thing. Take things from me.
Exactly, exactly right. And sometimes that's not
communicating clearly. It's it's the the communication
is do more. The guy I receives that do more.
Got it. I'll do more, but it's not
(14:19):
meeting the person where they'reat the where they're at all the
you know, whatever else and viceversa too, right.
You you see that both sides. I come from the perspective a
lot from the dad's side of thingand the male side of thing
because of the work that I mean.And there are a lot of the
conversations that I have with dads of that I don't know what
she wants. She says I'll do more to do
more. I'll do more.
And then I we're back in this fight.
(14:40):
I'm like, I don't know what to do from here.
And we've even had guys writing and say like a topic that they
want to know more about is how does my partner think there's
this whole unspoken part of a relationship?
And like, I just want to know what she's thinking so I can
actually do what she's wanting me to do.
Like to fill that gap that she might have.
It's just like frustration is boiling too, which also could be
(15:03):
feeding into their arguments andstuff as well.
Yeah, I totally agree. To be fair to her, I think she
does mention in the story that she's tried to communicate about
this and that it ends up in fights.
So but again, IA 100% agree. I think there is a
miscommunication. I think there there sounds like
there is a miscommunication. What else it sounds like is
mismatched expectations about what will be done.
(15:26):
And as we've mentioned so many times and as applies to almost
every story, how you're raised will really impact this.
And so you'll come into a relationship with an idea.
Even when we spoke about these things and we went through
premarital counselling and we spoke about these things and,
and identified them and we were working with the counsellor as
well. And so we had that foundation
(15:46):
and we still have things that webring in without even realising
as expectations and project ontothe situation.
And I, I think this is a super common story.
I think this is again, removing their specifics.
I don't know anything else that plays into her question about
the abuse, emotionally abusive stuff.
But I think it's a really commonstory to have this kind of
(16:07):
miscommunication around what is going to be done, what you need.
She might be saying she needs more help and he might not
understand what that means. Maybe they haven't gotten super
clear. But I think the curiosity
element coming at this with curiosity, trying to have these
conversations as well. If if she has been raising this
and it's not going anywhere, saying it in the moment, be
(16:27):
like, can you help me? Or like being like, you didn't,
you haven't done anything. Can you do this?
Like that's probably not going to be the most constructive way
if that's how she's gone about them.
But having a conversation removed from this, maybe even
having a conversation if you can, removed from the baby, like
you're not in the middle of caring for the baby.
Maybe the baby's asleep or you've got babysitters and
having a date night or a check in night or something and being
(16:48):
able to have this conversation saying I'm really overwhelmed by
the house stuff. I want to know what's going on,
like, can you help me with this stuff?
And then if it's, you know, if you're feeling like there's
still some resistance there, being curious, like what's going
on for you? Like what?
How is this playing out for you?Yeah, because like even with
that, you know, and going back to the story you mentioned
earlier about how, you know, I've approached you before about
(17:11):
we need to save now and it shutsyou down and you're like I, you
just get overwhelmed with the directness of it.
I get everyone way. I'll be like, Oh my gosh, we're
we're really in a bad place. I don't want to do this thing.
Yeah. And we're not in a bad place.
It's just like my approach to itis like, well, I don't want to
be in a bad, bad place. I want to be moving forward.
(17:31):
So I was like, all right, cool, we need to do this now is what
we need to do. And I'm very like direct and to
the point with it, which doesn'thelp you.
So we, we got to the point wherewe had to talk through that, you
know, and it wasn't just a matter of like, all right, now
we need to do savings and we have to, you know, the point
wasn't about the object objective that we're trying to
(17:52):
which I was trying to achieve. It was really about all right,
cool. Again, the big thing that we got
from our over the years over therelationship is attitude of
curiosity. We've really tried to implement
that. So it's being curious about, OK,
why are you shutting down right now?
Saving is a good thing. Why can't this be a good thing?
Why is this now an issue? Well, it's not about saving,
(18:15):
like that's not the issue. It's about the way that I'm
processing it, about the way that you're receiving it.
And we still struggle with that.Like we're still, I mean, two
weeks ago we had this conversation or a week ago, you
know, it's, it's something that we're continually building on,
but that's where we keep coming back to is it's like, all right,
cool, that's the issue. Cool, let's talk about that.
But then why? What's what's happening here in
(18:35):
the in the conversation as well was we're addressing two things
when we bring that stuff up. And we've even had times where
so we've had the conversation, we've explored this and figured
it out. And then when it plays out in
little moments, we've had times where I'll be like, I just, it
just really shuts me down when you talk like that.
And then you've been like, yeah,but I need to be able to talk
like that. And it's really relevant because
(18:56):
just because you have these really intentional conversations
about things does not mean that every time you're ever going to
talk about that topic, you have to be like, okay, we've got the
babysitter and I'm sitting down.I'm just going to be curious.
Like, you're not, that's not real.
You're not going to live that way all the time.
It's about we've recognised there's something in how this
dynamic plays out that just triggers.
(19:17):
And so then we've gone and been intentional in like
independently to like figure outwhat's going on and then also
worked on it together. Yeah.
And doesn't mean the trigger is gone.
The trigger is going to happen. But it's a good it's because
we've got that like exploration we've done together.
It's good for me because I can be like, why am I like so put
off by how you've just said that?
And then I can be like, I'm shutting down because of this.
(19:39):
And then I can even say that to you like, yeah, I just, I really
shut down when you talk like that.
But also for you to say this is how I talk and this is how I
motivate it. It's.
How it's how I process. It's how you process Yeah,
exactly. I need a so I'm a verbal
processor and so for me it's like, all right, I'm I'm going
through a process right now. I can see a, you know, where we,
I could see a future where we'restruggling financially.
(20:02):
I've now pictured that in my head.
I can now see a way forward I need and I'm going to process
this journey. It's like now it's out of my
head. There's no stress there because
I've now processed it. I'm done.
That's good. And that's like going back to
what you're saying is that's theteamwork.
It's like I need a process. Like I need to process like
otherwise I'm going to freak outevery time I have a thought.
(20:22):
I can't talk about this. Like, why can't I talk about
this, you know? And but I I need to do the
process but then check in how you with that in our process?
And, and giving us grace that we're going to be doing this in
amongst all the chaos of life. And it's just going to come out
the way it comes out. And every time we work on it is
going to be better. But it helps inform us and it
helps inform our partners and ithelps make sense of things that
(20:43):
seem confusing. And to bring that back to the
story, she seems at a loss and we don't know what's going on
for him because we haven't heardfrom him.
But he also seems like he's acting out of something, whether
it's whatever it is, he's actingout of something because he's
getting frustrated. So there's something that's
hooked there. And they, I think that they need
to unpick that independently. Potentially she needs to like
(21:05):
approach it and maybe doesn't have that understanding.
Maybe they haven't had that conversation, but approach it
intentionally and looking in at what's going on for themselves
and being curious about what's going on for the other person,
at least just to build that foundation.
So going forward, when they havethese conversations, they've got
that conversation where they've worked through it before and
it's not been in the heat of themoment and it's not been
(21:26):
reactionary. It's been like a intentional
conversation. And then like we've said, and I
just want to keep repeating thisbecause I think it's important.
We don't know their dynamics. And I'm not going to speak into
the emotionally abusive part of that question because it's not
something that we've got anything, any context for.
Yeah. Exactly.
Cool. All right, well, this is where
things are going to get a bit different to what we normally
do. I, when looking into the
(21:48):
parenting space on Reddit, the questions around parenting on
Reddit, I realised that a lot ofthem were just like moments of
people being like, I need help. And then it's the comments that
actually filled out the stories or filled out the, the purpose
of the post. Whereas, you know, a lot of our
other topics, they tell the story and then they try to get
(22:08):
like an opinion on it. And so I thought instead of just
telling someone's story and thenus chatting about it, what if we
look at some of the comments andthe responses that people have
gotten to these questions that they've put out into Reddit and
get some value from there? So that's what this is going to
be. Hey guys, we hope you are
finding this today's episode insightful and helpful.
(22:30):
If you're looking for more resources on strengthening your
relationship, visit our website.We offer a range of blogs, free
resources, and you can join our email list for regular updates
and exclusive content. Head over to honeymediachat.com
to explore more. Back to the episode.
So this post is titled For thosewho maintained a happy marriage
(22:52):
while raising kids, What did youdo right?
And the person says, I've seen it discussed a lot on here, that
evidence indicates that raising kids negatively impacts marital
satisfaction. And this seems pretty accurate
among those who comment. For those who felt that raising
kids did not have a negative impact or had minimal negative
impact, that simply comes with less quality time together.
Having a little human dependent on you 24/7.
(23:15):
What do you think helps you withthis?
What did you learn to do or to not do that kept your marital
satisfaction high? So the first comment that had a
lot of they call them up votes just to educate us on how Reddit
works. I don't really even know how
Reddit works but I know they're up votes.
The first comment was one thing helped a lot.
You hear a lot of parents say that kids are their lives.
(23:37):
But no, we love our children whoare adults now, but we made our
relationship the top priority. If we had a bad marriage, how
can we set an example for our children about healthy
relationships? We maintained a healthy sex life
as well, along with plenty of hugs, kisses, and general
affection. We did go on dates regularly and
we never let a day pass without telling each other how much we
love them. We always communicated and put
(23:59):
aside an hour a day, usually at bedtime, to just spend with each
other and talk. And we're both terribly happy.
So that was a very popular comment.
I think that's good too. We've had this conversation as
well. It's like the kids, our lives
can't revolve or change for the kids.
Well, they can't change so. Yeah, I was gonna say that.
That doesn't sound right 'cause.I can't revolve around the kids.
(24:21):
Our relationship can't revolve around the kids.
Exactly. Yeah.
So we had to. And that's where again, when we
were when we first had kids, when we had our first kid, we
decided from the very beginning,like date nights are so
important for us. And that's why I think even
yeah, from the beginning, going through COVID and all that sort
of stuff. That's why we really put in so
much focus on that even have to stay home date nights because I
(24:44):
was so important, especially going through COVID where it was
just like, man, our opportunity for out of the house activities
was gone. And so the home was just home.
There was no specialness to it. So making that special was
really important. Yeah, based off this
conversation that we're reading now.
(25:05):
Yeah, exactly. So the second comment, so this
that exact topic is going to play out through all of these
comments as well, which I think is really interesting.
Obviously there's like thousandsof comments.
I did not copy them all. I just took the top ones.
And the second comment I'll readout is I'm only one week
postpartum with our first, but I've had lots, we've had lots of
discussions around this prior tobirth.
(25:25):
We are people first. We are a couple first.
If we weren't a couple and our relationship didn't exist,
neither would our baby girl. We're one and done.
Which I imagine will help, meaning they'll only have one
kid, which I imagine will help and have talked about what
happens when she moves out. We can't only have her to talk
about for the next 18 years because then what?
We get to 18, our baby girl moves out and we have nothing
(25:47):
left to talk about or do together.
And I don't like that idea. And then someone responded, I
think it was actually the first commenter responded to this and
said that is a very healthy way to think about it.
We are retired now and both of our children are adults with
partners of their own and their lives of their own.
We are spending our time now travelling together and just
enjoying what we worked so hard for all these years.
(26:07):
And because we did make our relationship the top priority,
we are stronger and an awesome team now.
I love spending time with her. We are just so comfortable
together that we can communicatealmost without words a lot of
the time. And then someone else responded
saying this right here, our son's needs come first, but our
marriage is very close second. We prioritise taking time to
just be with each other, whatever, whether that is a trip
(26:29):
away with the grandma watching the kids or just take out after
the kids in bed. We are affectionate with each
other and generally just love being around each other.
The other thing is having each other's backs when it comes to
parenting decisions. Sometimes you need to make a
snap decision and you need to support each other and you need
to support each other in that infront of the kids.
Another person responded to thatsaying I'm curious, does this
(26:50):
apply when your spouse wants to do certain things with the kids?
Like letting them cry it out because they don't want to get
up at night, doesn't want to sign up for sports because they
don't want to do pickups, doesn't want to cook healthy
meals every day, and frequently does takeouts or frozen food?
Other parenting decisions based on personal comfort?
Do you prioritise the partners preferences or the good of the
children? I don't have kids but this is
(27:11):
something that I've thought about if I do have kids.
It's so funny. Reddit is hilarious like this.
If I do have kids, what happens if and when the good of the
child butts up against the preference of my spouse?
Certainly choosing someone with similar values is important, but
there will always be some level of difference.
And then the person responded. Just with that really quickly,
like I, I think this is funny that that person has gone on
(27:34):
this whole thing and it's like, I don't have any kids.
But I think in that scenario, it's just like, well, you've
got, you don't just do everything that your spouse
wants to do. That's not what we're saying.
It's that's a whole separate conversation about will you guys
work out what you, you decide together, the things you're
going to compromise and all thatsort of stuff.
You don't just say like, oh, my spouse doesn't want to, That's
it. And that's the decision ongoing.
(27:55):
That's part of the conversation.Yeah, that's part of the
developing the team and as parents.
Yeah, and I think that they're right.
You wouldn't normally end up in a relationship with someone with
drastically different values. You might.
You will have differences, Yeah,yeah, yeah, yeah.
But but I think once you're at that point of having children
for maybe not for everybody tendto be on the same page about
enough things. But you will have differences
(28:16):
and that's where you do navigatethat.
And it is that conversation. And no, it's not just about my
partner doesn't want to do this stuff.
So we just don't. It's a conversation.
So someone wrote back and said Ithink you have to look at each
decision as something that will affect the whole family.
Like the sleep thing. If the parents are at the end of
their rope with sleep deprivation deprivation
deprivation, with sleep deprivation that is also harmful
(28:37):
to the baby. Risk of car accident goes way
up. They have less energy for
playing and talking to the baby during the day, less patients,
they might struggle at work, etcetera.
Maybe the solution is parents taking shifts with night time
care. Maybe the solution is Co
sleeping, maybe it's sleep training.
But if your partner is looking at some kid related tasks and
saying I can't do that, it's toomuch, that needs to be taken
(28:58):
seriously. Burned out, resentful,
overstressed parents are also not good for kids.
Of course, if it's just I can't,I could do that, but I don't
want to. That's something different.
You do need to feel like your spouse is just as invested in
parenting as you are and that they have similar priorities.
I think that's really good too. Like the story we've just spoken
about, it looks like he's just doing nothing.
Yeah. And as we just discussed, I
(29:19):
don't think that's usually the situation.
I think there's often a lot of stuff just going on there, not
always, but often. So when you do have these
differences in parenting and we have had these differences in
parenting, not these ones necessarily, some of them, but
not all of them. And I think when you do have
them, it's, it's not just the person's deciding, no, I don't
want to do healthy food. I want to do take out that would
(29:42):
never be just their random decision as a parenting style.
What would be sitting behind something like that is how were
they raised? Where's their mental health at?
What's their priorities? Do they understand healthy food?
Like there's so many things thatsit behind that.
So the curiosity and the conversation is really important
because you're not meant to justbe navigating a partner saying I
(30:03):
don't want to do that because ofthis.
You are navigating a person withexperiences and that have shaped
who they are now playing out in their parenting.
And you, they're your partner that you love.
So you're trying to figure out how to work on that together.
And then the last comment was, we're still in the thick of it.
Three kids, 6, four and three months.
But here's what works for us. Don't take things personally.
Be quick to forgive. Keep your sense of humour.
(30:25):
Be intentional about how you spend your time.
Make time for each other, even if it's just after the kids go
to bed. It was interesting to watch the
put your partner first conversation play out.
A lot of people commented back on the that and was like, yes,
this, this people are so scared of this.
So one of the responses was, yeah, that's right.
Our son's needs come first, but our marriage is a very close
(30:45):
second. And a person responded and said,
this is where the issue comes in.
You're hearing neglect your child's needs and put your
spouse 1st. And that is not what what's
being said. And then at the end, they said
kids should not only see a healthy relationship between
parents, but they should also experience a healthy
relationship between parents andchild.
Meeting your child's needs should not mean neglecting your
spouse's needs, but putting yourspouse's needs first doesn't
(31:08):
mean neglecting your children, basically.
And I think that's a really important distinction because I
do think a lot of parents fall into this trap where they're
like, we have kids, they're our priority.
And it's not that they're not your priority, it's just that if
they're your priority over your relationship, the relationship
being not a priority. Willie Rd underneath all of it.
And no, it's not about about like put your spouses needs
(31:30):
first. So don't feed your children and
don't change their nappies. They're like anything that's for
their safety or their well being.
You're now like they're dependent on you.
So you're now responsible for that.
But you're meant to be doing that as a team.
And I do think there's somethingmissed across the board with
parenting where they think I have to put my my kids first and
then my my partner 2nd. And I I think that tiny little
(31:52):
adjustment actually really makesa really big difference.
So I mean, it comes into my mindtoo.
And I've always wondered this parents that Co sleep with their
kids, right? And we've had like we've had our
kids sleep in our bed and stuff like that, but they always go to
their bed first, right? And and this isn't a dishonour,
this is just a not understandingpart.
Like parents that sleep with their kids like 4 years old,
(32:15):
sort of older, right? So this isn't just baby.
Yeah, this is just where the thekids sleeps is in their bed with
them. And in my head I'm like, where
do you guys get the chance to beintimate?
Like how does that even look in that circumstance?
Because that's so important. Yeah, you know what I mean?
Like, yeah, your child in that relationship, because I know the
the focus is the relationship, really building the relationship
(32:35):
up with the child. But where is that time?
Where? And that's a genuine question.
Diet. Like maybe they're like cool,
we'll go to the couch. I don't know, like or, or what
is what does that look like? Because that's what goes in my
head. I think that's a good example
because Co sleeping, which we really like when we've had our
newborns, they've been in our bed wait for the least.
(32:56):
The last two have been in our our bed consistently for months.
And then we'll get to the point where we're like, we need space.
Like we did not. We can't have them in the bed.
And then the same thing with theroom.
Like we've been pretty quick to move our kids out of our room
when their baby's like, around, I don't know, a couple months
old maybe even except for the last one.
And then that was different. Yeah.
And but but even that, like we were like, you could feel that
(33:20):
we needed him out of the room. Like I was just like, we need
that space. We can't be constantly.
Our whole routine is around, I don't like the sleeping baby in
our, in our space and that kind of thing.
But I think the the topic itselfis not what dictates whether
you're prioritising your relationship or not.
So Co sleeping, yeah, it does add confusion, like add
(33:41):
complications to that. And I have the same question,
like, where does that happen? And I do know some families who
their whole family is in the bedwith them without like all their
children for a long time. And part of me loves that.
Like I love like that you could have them there and you could
just all cuddle and sleep together.
But exactly where does your yourtime alone come in and?
Nothing. It doesn't happen.
That was very, very. Clear on that.
(34:01):
Yeah, that's what I mean is likethe actual topic itself isn't
what dictates. That does add its own
complications, but it's comes down to how you're navigating
that. So you could still be
prioritising your relationship because you've made something
work, like you said, the couch or something like that, whatever
it is that you've got in place that works with that, as long as
the decision you're making isn'tat the detriment to your
(34:22):
relationship. And when I say detriment to, I
want to be clear because, you know, especially right after you
have a kid, for example, you're not supposed to do anything for
six weeks. And that's because your body's
healing. That doesn't mean that's at the
detriment of your marriage. And so it, that's an example of
like we got to be careful with how we define those things.
What is the detriment? But I think, you know, I think
everyone knows at their core what's at the detriment of their
(34:45):
relationship. And it's, and it's not a once
off thing to like, so when you're saying the detriment of
your relationship, we've said that you've just said that word
like 20 times in one minute. But it's like, it's this ongoing
thing. Yeah.
I mean, like that's sort of probably more your measuring
stick rather than, oh, we didn'tdo it this time or we can't do
it for six weeks now. Our relationship's gonna be
(35:05):
messed up. It's not bad.
It's like this. That's more about pattern.
Patterns. It's a culture.
Exactly. Yeah, yeah, you can find
yourself used and we've done this, we've talked about it on
episodes, found ourselves years down the track and be like, hang
on, we really need to readjust. We're not like prioritising.
We've become just friends and just existing rather than.
Into the friend zone too much. But anyway, it's interesting
(35:28):
distinction. All right, let's move on to the
Last Post slash comments section.
This one is different parenting styles really may kill my
marriage. What do I do?
My husband and I usually get along great.
We have a lot in common and support each other in many ways.
My son is almost 3 and has always been a normal toddler.
Testing boundaries, impulse control issues, not listening,
(35:49):
biting, hitting. Truly it's in the realm of
normal. It's frustrating and hard.
I know it is. I deal with a burnout of it.
My husband's days off have become horrible.
I hate when he's home. He's making my son meltdown
constantly. It's every 10 minutes I feel
he's always saying no, being disrespectful, saying things
disrespectfully at times being aggressive like picking him up
(36:11):
too hard or grabbing his arm to stop him from throwing.
He tells my son not to throw andthen throws things when he's
mad. He tells my son not to snatch
but then snatches from him. I always call him out, usually
not in front of our son. I correct him because our son
deserves better. My husband tries to control him,
tries to limit him and is too harsh on him in my opinion.
(36:31):
I don't know what to do. I don't want to be around him
and my son together because it'stoo stressful.
He says he doesn't know how to deal, how to deal with our son's
emotions. I give him books and advice and
he uses none of it. I'm afraid this is going to kill
our marriage. Does anyone have any advice
this? Is such such?
An intense conversation. So I'll read the comments first
(36:52):
because this is the reason I included the story.
So the comment that I've popped here is I was also this dad.
Whenever I heard a child scream,yell, tantrum, it set something
off of me and the need to get the child to stop was incredibly
strong and usually presented negatively.
Like yelling at the child, removing them, shouting stop
etcetera. It wasn't healthy but I didn't
(37:13):
realise it as I'd never been around young children up until
my own and those were my main memories of my father before he
left at age 6 or seven. I would say your partner needs
to understand his own emotions and realise that they will be
married and your child for the rest of their lives if things
are not resolved. What worked for me when I could
feel I was about to blow was notreacting instantly as my instant
(37:34):
reaction. What is always negative but
breathe? Seriously?
Sounds silly but it works. Think about 5 seconds and find
an appropriate logical reaction beyond wanting to Homer Simpson
them around the throat. That's such a descriptive.
If he has to leave the room for 30 seconds to come and reassess,
that's fine too. And there was another comment
here too. Another person said I was an
(37:56):
amnesty dad. The issue isn't that he doesn't
know how to deal with his son's emotions, is the issue is he
doesn't know how to deal with his own emotions.
He needs to pick his battles, reinforce positive actions, give
the son options, not threaten. Recognise when he's going to
lose control and walk away when he's about to lose his cool and
repeat it. And then someone says the last
part of this is so important. Recognising when you're going to
(38:16):
lose it and walking away. Repeat and get better.
You're the adults and you've hada lifetime to get your own
emotions. Their child with big feelings.
Basically what what the conversation unfolded in was
it's actually about the parents emotional understanding of
themselves and it's really hard when you're navigating someone
else's. So she's navigating her
(38:36):
husband's emotional reactions and his responses.
But it's again that conversationabout curiosity.
Yeah, I just, and not that I disagree with any of those
comments, I, I just, it's just not as easy as those comments
make it sound to be. You know, and I've mentioned
(38:58):
before, this is a lot of the line of work that I work in work
revolves around, right, Is the the fact that we're we're
changing a culture in fatherhoodfor the support dads gets, you
know, through the health system when babies born and after birth
and all this sort of stuff. A big thing that we find though,
is it's a culture that we have adopted from what we've seen,
(39:19):
right? So that culture is changing, but
that to change a culture takes along time.
And so for a lot of these people, it's like, oh, just take
a breath, Just just do this, just do that.
It's not as easy as just do the thing.
And this is coming from experience too, right?
Like I struggle with patients. I've struggled with anger.
We've been serious moments. I remember you one, one weekend
(39:41):
you actually took the kids away because I just wasn't coping
with, with the, with them with, with like being overwhelmed.
I just wasn't coping. I was, I was just dealing with
the situation so, so poorly. And it's just the, it's, it's an
ongoing challenging growth. What I don't like about this
story is that it seems like fromone side up that he's not
(40:04):
willing or not being intentionalwith what he's working on that I
don't believe there's any excusefor.
And I think everything, like I said, I'm not disagreeing with
any of the comments. I just think it's like, cool.
It's not. Now to start breathing and it's
going to be fixed, it's like, no, this is actually going to be
a journey for this guy. And it's such a common journey
for a lot of lot of guys to break free from that experience
(40:27):
that they've experienced and to realise this isn't doesn't have
to be their reality and there issomething that they can do.
Breathing definitely helps. Taking a step away definitely
helps. There's all these things that
definitely help. But for that to be the new norm
of their instant reaction is going to be time, time,
intentionality. And yeah, So what we don't see
(40:47):
again, like from this story is him saying like, yeah, I want to
do these things. The mum is saying I'm trying to
help him, I'm trying to support him with him, which is
fantastic. What we need to see is that he's
willing to actually do those things too.
It's never an excuse. So we never ever, ever, ever,
ever excuse behaviour. But we we normalise the struggle
and that's really important. Yeah, I definitely, this is
(41:09):
another one of these examples where we set aside their
specific relationship because I don't know where he's at in
terms of being willing to work on it.
And it does sound like he's not.But what's interesting is I
loved how many people were responding to them in the
comments saying this was me, like I was this dad.
And I think it's, as we've said,our parenting styles, the what
(41:31):
we were raised in or what we experienced as kids really
impacts how we navigate parenting.
And a lot of those people were saying, yeah, this is what I saw
in my parents or in my father, and that's just what I projected
out there. She says different parenting
styles. And people are like, it's not
actually different parenting styles that he's not healthy.
He has not had work, he's not done work on his experience and
(41:55):
his trauma. And so he's coming out of an
unhealthy way. And it's actually his emotions
that he's navigating. It's not the child's emotions.
And so I think This is why things like therapy is so
important, being able to work through those things, having
that curiosity about what their experience was, but also making
it really clear. Like there have been times where
I remember one time I said to you, I think you're scaring the
(42:17):
kids. Like I think you're scaring them
and you didn't realise that. And so as much as that, just to
be really clear, but there was nothing like this story just to
be. I just need to say that because
I don't want people to think of that.
But just like with kind of the the intense reactions, the
volume. Of.
The volume, yeah, which is just a natural thing as well.
You don't even realise how you're coming across.
And I've done the same with the kids.
(42:37):
I don't sometimes I have no ideaI'm coming across.
All I know is I'm overwhelmed, I'm over stimulated, I'm
frustrated, I'm tired. I, I've, you know, this is not
me, but you know, I could have seen kids were to be silent and
be present growing up. And so that I'm like my kids not
silent and present. So I'm reacting like this.
And that's like, that's everything that comes into play
when you're a parent. And it sounds like she's been
(42:58):
very intentional with like learning about parenting,
looking into books and resourcesand understanding why things
aren't meant to be done that wayor why it's more healthy to do
it a different way. So potentially she's really put
that effort in regardless of howshe was raised, but she's in a
place where she's understanding that and it's removed from her
emotions. I don't think he's in that
place. And so having really important
(43:21):
conversations, being firm with it, saying this is actually not
OK to keep going. Like I think you're scaring him
or I think this is going to be damaging and I'm and we need to
do something about it. But also curiosity and
gentleness around where he's coming from and why he reacts
this way. And encouraging getting extra
support I think is really important because yeah, these
(43:43):
things do sit there and I think there's a whole group of people
that don't necessarily they'll be like, yeah, I had horrible
things happen, but it's whatever.
Like I'm, I've moved on. And they don't necessarily
acknowledge that what has happened to you has shaped how
you think and react and feel. And it's going to have long term
impacts. And so you might be surviving
and fine, like you might feel OKon the surface.
(44:05):
But really there's, there's a lot of stuff that has been
impacted by experiences you've had growing up or whatever.
And you do like there is so muchbenefit to be done by exploring
those things and looking into especially therapy, especially
if it's something like this. I feel like that could be really
helpful. Hmm.
And Daddy's group is really helpful.
That's what Blair, the organisation Blair works for,
(44:26):
as. You gonna say as well if, if, if
you are a dad or even a mum thatis struggling with this sort of
stuff, like please get in contact.
We have support available for you.
Yeah, free support. So please get in contact with us
again, go to honey, we need to chat.com.
You can get in contact there andwould love to refer you one.
So again, the big thing here here is is it's one thing to
(44:48):
identify your struggle, which isgreat.
Then the next step is do something about it.
When in 10 dads struggle with post Natal depression, which is
a stack and a lot of dads don't even people don't even know that
dads can get post Natal depression.
They do 56% of dads don't do anything about it.
So this is really huge stats, man.
This is a a lot of dads that arestruggling with post Natal
(45:09):
depression and don't do anythingabout it.
So get in contacts, don't be oneof those stats, come and do
something about it. Yeah.
Yeah, that's good. All right, well, we're going to
move into the reality check corner for this episode.
This is where we want to make these episodes something that
can be applied to your life right now and your relationship
right now, Something that can challenge you in this moment and
(45:29):
actually be practical, not just something you've listened to.
So if you are up to the challenge, join us.
First one is a reflection promptand it's a little bit longer
than normal, but I think it's important.
So just have a think about what this reflection prompts that I'm
going to read out. Where are you prioritising your
kids over your partner and is there space to shift that?
A lot of people believe that their kids should come first.
(45:52):
But what if prioritising your partner actually benefits
everyone, including your kids? We're not talking about
neglecting daily needs or safety.
We're talking about making sure your relationship isn't running
on leftovers. Ask yourself, are you modelling
the kind of partnership you'd want your kids to have?
And is there one small shift youcould make this week to show
your partner that they still matter?
(46:13):
So that's just a little reflection prompt.
I love those two questions, especially the first one.
Are you modelling the kind of partnership you'd want your kids
to have? That's a really good lens for a
lot of stuff. We've spoken about that quite a
lot of you know, So for me, obviously being a guy, I have my
boys very much in my mind in regards to how they treat women,
(46:34):
how they present themselves, allthis sort of stuff like how they
can be confident in their role as a man and all this sort of
stuff. But at the same time, I'm also
very aware of my daughter being very aware of what good guys are
and aren't, you know, like, and so helping those sorts of
things, being intentional. And it's like, I can speak in
our kids all day long, but what they see is so much more
(46:57):
powerful. Yeah, exactly.
So are you modelling the kind ofpartnership you'd want your kids
to have? And is there one small shift you
can make this week that might show your partner they still
matter? So here's a connection challenge
this week. Schedule a no kids allowed date
night. It doesn't have to be
extravagant. A simple dinner or a walk can
work wonders. And I'll add to this that I
didn't add to that earlier at home date night this week,
(47:20):
challenge yourself. If you've got babysitters and
you and or you can leave your kids at home because they're old
enough, awesome, Get out. Do that.
If not, and you're like, but we don't have this resource, do an
at home date night. It can be ordering take out.
It can be making your own food after they've gone to bed,
setting this this space up. Nice.
We've got so much stuff that we've already spoken about with
the at home date nights. Look through our socials if you
(47:42):
want more suggestions, there's questions on our website in the
free resources of 50 day date night questions.
So if you're like, I don't know what we'd even talk about, go
through those. There's a check in thing you can
do there. It could be just a dinner.
If you can't even do dinner because your kids are up too
late and they just don't go to bed in time, do a hot chocolate
or a dessert night or something like that.
But I would challenge if your partner is in the same place as
(48:05):
you this week, everyone is able to make some time that is like a
night or time set aside without the kids this week.
So that's the challenge. Set that, schedule it now,
figure out how you're going to do that and implement it this
week. And the last part of our reality
check corner is the future pace exercise.
And this is where we're going toproject a future.
And we're going to borrow from that future, that vision that we
(48:27):
have, the clarity we can see andfeel and taste, see and feel and
experience by thinking about this future that we want.
And we're going to see what we can borrow from that into today
to help motivate us and refocus us.
So you can close your eyes or you can just listen as I read
out this future pace. Fast forward 15 years.
The kids are busy, independent, the house is quiet.
(48:49):
It's just you and your partner. What does the silence feel like?
Is it warm, familiar and connected?
Or is it distant like two peoplewho became great Co parents but
forgot how to be partners? Now we rewind to today.
That future is being built rightnow.
What is one small shift you can make today to keep your
connection alive? And how can you invest in your
relationship now so that you don't have to rebuild it later?
(49:11):
All righty guys. Cool.
That's a good one. Happy one year.
I. Love it.
Remember, we're not about perfection, we're just about
making intentional efforts. So and in parenting, it's just a
whole range of layers and dynamic that come across and lie
across your relationship. So it's just about being
intentional in those spaces and figuring out where you can make
(49:32):
little adjustments to reach the future that you want for your
relationship. Thanks for being with us guys.
Make sure to check out the website Honey We need to
chat.com for any freebies and wewill chat to you later.
Good chat. Thanks guys.
Bye.
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