What’s the feeling you can’t even name, let alone share?
In this episode of Honey, We Need to Chat, we’re diving deep into the emotional undercurrents that silently shape our reactions, create disconnection, and quietly erode intimacy.
We explore the concept of unbearable feelings, those overwhelming emotions like shame, hyper-responsibility, fear of being too much or not enough, and how they manifest in relationships through bottling, numbing, stonewalling, over-functioning, and explosive reactions.
We get raw about their own patterns, childhood roots, and the real-life impact these invisible feelings have on communication, parenting, and connection.
With practical questions, examples, and a free downloadable resource to help you identify your own hidden emotional drivers, this is an episode you’ll want to reflect on, revisit, and share with your partner.
🎧 Whether you’re curious about emotional intimacy, want to communicate better, or just feel stuck in unhealthy patterns, this conversation will give you tools and language to move forward- together.
➡️ Book a Free Clarity Session with Amy!
🎧 Listen wherever you get your podcasts.
📥 Get free tools + coaching support: honeyweneedtochat.com
unbearable feelings in relationships, emotional intimacy, communication in marriage, relationship triggers, resentment and burnout, relationship podcast, parenting and emotional regulation, how to communicate better, emotional safety, fear of being too much, hyper-responsibility, couples podcast
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Episode Transcript
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(00:02):
What if the biggest problem in your relationship wasn't even
between you and your partner, but instead was caused by a
deeply triggering emotion that your body and subconscious will
do almost anything to avoid? In this episode, we're going to
be talking about unbearable feelings and how that can have
an impact on your relationship. Honey, we need to chat.
(00:30):
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of Honey We Need
to Chat. This is the podcast all about
communication in a relationship.By you being here, man, that
tells us so much about you. It tells us that you are curious
about your involvement in your relationship.
It shows us that you're intentional and you want to do
something about it. And that's awesome because we
strongly believe in the importance of communication in a
(00:52):
relationship. Not just that you communicate,
but how you communicate, how theother person receives that
communication. And it's something that you
continually work on. It's not something you just
like, I got this now. I mean, I've been married for 10
years and we are still working on it a lot.
And we have to be intentional when we have to keep keep
growing. And it's a lifelong thing.
And it's a lifelong thing that we're committed to and are very
(01:15):
passionate about. So whether you're new or you,
you're a regular. Thank you so much for coming
back and showing your support and just going on this journey
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you, please support us by liking, sharing, subscribing and
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(01:35):
or click on the thumbs up or whatever you're on, whatever
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So please help us support us. Just click the like share,
subscribe, share it to your mum if you need to just to help us
out in. A non passive aggressive yeah.
(01:56):
Mum, check this out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thank you so much for being here.
Welcome. So we are talking about
Unbearable Feelings today. So if you heard our last
episode, we interviewed Liv and Sam Ramsden from Silly Stories
with Kids. And in that episode, Liv talked
about some of the premarital counselling that they did and a
concept they focused on, which was Unbearable Feelings.
(02:17):
And we thought we would expand on that and explore it because
we actually weren't super familiar with that.
So it's been really helpful to kind of learn about it and
explore what this is and how it might be impacting our
relationship. And I'm excited to chat about
that on this episode together and explore what's going on
there. But these aren't just emotions
that we don't like. These are really, really big
(02:37):
emotions that we don't know how to express safely.
These are really big feelings and fears, anxieties, whatever
it might be, that underpin some of our reactions.
They underpin how we function. They underpin how we read
situations. And a lot of the time, we might
not even be aware that they're playing a, a role in our
relationship or in our lives. We might not even be aware what
they are. We might not have words to put
(02:59):
to it. So it's a really helpful
framework to spend some time exploring because it helps us
understand again, something a little bit more about ourselves.
And then that can help us understand how we are showing up
in the world and how we're showing up in our relationships
and how to strengthen that. So we're gonna dive into that,
but first. We are gonna have a little fun.
We're gonna throw it right back.So we have a lot of heavy
(03:20):
conversations on this podcast. We have a lot of heavy topics,
but we like to have some fun, you know, fun fun's where it's
at. So we're gonna start off with a
little Would you rather we like this?
This is just something that Amy and I we.
Used to do this all the time. You're an RG listener?
Yeah, we haven't done it for a very long.
Time but but we did this way before the podcast too, like.
Oh yeah, we did. You know, car rides, whatever
else we love, we love this sort of stuff, so we're gonna keep
(03:42):
doing it. So would you rather have your
partner read your mind for a dayor have them explain their every
thought out loud for a day? I feel like you do this.
Do the latter. Excuse me?
Already excuse. Me.
I feel like I know every thoughtyou have anyway.
That is so rude. And I feel like, I feel like if
(04:04):
you knew what was on my mind allday, you would just be cracking
up for the day. So.
I would I be laughing. You'd.
Be laughing and disgusted, I reckon I.
Reckon I I actually think B because I think it would be a
little scary to have an unfiltered mind reading.
Not because the what's in your mind is scary, but your mind is
not filtered and not gently structured.
(04:27):
And I think, I don't know, but if that was what we were, oh, is
it just for a day, though? Just for a day?
Yeah, No, that's definitely helpyou explain it.
Then if that's what we were usedto and we just knew everybody's
running like commentary. I've often thought, yeah, I'd
mind read because we'd all be used to hearing the blunt stuff.
We wouldn't be, like, offended by that.
But because it's just for a day,it'd be very confronting.
Yeah, yeah. And I'd probably be arguing with
(04:49):
it all the time. Yeah, excuse.
I wouldn't even say. Anything like how dare you?
Yeah. So that's my thought.
What would you guys do? Right in put in comments.
Alrighty, so let's dive into unbearable feelings on that
topic. So unbearable feelings are the
ones that don't just feel uncomfortable, They're not
things that are like, I don't like that feeling.
(05:10):
They actually feel unmanageable.They are unbearable.
They're messy, they're overwhelming, they often feel
too risky to share. And like I said before, they may
be things you don't even have terminology for.
You don't even, you might not even be aware that this is a
really unbearable feeling for you.
So it's not just that it's riskyto share, it's also potentially
you don't even know how to shareit.
(05:31):
So we bury them, we dismiss them, we push them down, we try
to function over top of them. And it's not always obvious ones
like anger or grief. Sometimes it's more quieter
things. So it could be things like fear
that you are invisible, the sense that you're failing even
when you're trying your best, the pressure to keep everything
running or else it'll fall apart.
So those, they're not just the basic emotions we know, like
(05:55):
happy, joyful, angry, mad, blah,blah, blah, blah.
They're they're sometimes very deep and very specific and, and
sometimes a lot more quieter andthings that we don't even
recognise, like if we saw it listed on a page, we might not
even be our reaction might not even be to be like, oh, I hate
that feeling. Like it might just be so
subconscious for you that you don't even know.
So some common examples. Shame.
(06:17):
So they thought that there's something wrong with me or hyper
responsibility. If I let go everything will
collapse. This is something I struggle
with a lot. Fear of being too much.
If I say this they'll be overwhelmed.
Interestingly, in my coaching I've had a number of clients say
that that have a fear of or a story that plays out for them
that they are too much and they need to squelch that down.
(06:37):
Fear of being not enough so if Ispeak up they'll just walk away.
Or emotional claustrophobia. Like I feel stuck, I can't
breathe, I can't fix this. So sometimes there aren't even
words for the emotions. They're just a physical
heaviness, a shutdown or a tightness and overwhelm.
But it can still shape how we'reshowing up in the world and
affect how we're reacting. So if you want to try and
(06:58):
identify what yours isn't. This is something I was really
trying to do this week when I was working on this is ask
yourself these things. So what's something that I can't
say out loud, even to myself, like I can't name it, it's too
much for me. What do you fear your partner
secretly believes about you? If I stopped and slowed down,
what feelings would catch up with me?
What do I feel right before I get reactive or shut down?
(07:20):
What's that feeling that leads to that response?
And what would I say if I knew no one else would judge me?
So those are just some of the questions.
I'm also going to pull this intoa resource you can download so
you can spend some time because I think it does take, for some
people, it might be really obvious, but for some people,
it'll take some time to identifywhat it is.
That might be an unbearable feeling for you, but these are
(07:41):
some questions you can you can do to prompt for yourself what
unbearable feeling might be impacting your life.
So we have these feelings and then we try to avoid them
because they're unbearable. They don't make us feel safe.
They make us feel feel like it'sunmanageable.
They shut us down. We try to avoid these feelings
all the time. There's a deep fear that if we
(08:02):
actually feel it, if we press into it, a lot of time, you
might almost feel it kind of around the outskirts of your
mind, like I'm getting there andyou just avoid it.
And there's a fear that if you press into that feeling, then
you'll just fall apart. Or if you press into that
feeling, it'll you'll be like stuck or lost or whatever might
be going on for you. And often the fear isn't
rational. It's not something that's really
(08:23):
logical and makes sense. It's a learned reaction.
So it could be from your experiences a lot of the time,
and it probably is from your experiences growing up or past
trauma or past experiences or insecurities, The stories that
have gone round and around in your head, but they're not
rational fears, they're learned fears.
So you might have been raised tobeing told that you were too
much when you were little. And that's the similar.
(08:46):
That's the common story that I've seen in my coaching with
some of the women is just this, this story that you were too
much. Whether those exact words came
out of their mouths or it was animplication by the reactions of
their caregivers or the people around them or their school,
there was an implication that they were too much.
So they grew up knowing they're too much.
They need to be lesser of who they are.
(09:07):
Or maybe your big emotions were met with silence or disapproval
or punishment. So you grew up being like, I
can't show these things, They'renot received well, so I need to
hide that away. So now your body thinks, don't
go there, it's not safe. And so we avoid.
There's also a relational fear, so they'll think I'm too needy.
When you're interacting in your relationship, these might play
(09:28):
out because at its core, it's like, my partner will think this
about me. If I show them this true
unbearable feeling, they'll try to fix it and miss the point.
They'll get defensive and make it about them.
So there can be relational fearsimpacting why we're avoiding
these unbearable feelings too. We also tend to discredit our
feelings if we can't explain them logically.
(09:49):
And this is a huge one for me. Like I don't discredit it.
I know I understand that it's legit and it impacts me.
But if I don't see the logic behind her, I can't like
verbalise it. I feel really silly.
And so we might be hiding these away or not communicating about
them because we can't explain them logically because they're
(10:09):
not a logical thing. And so we're actually taking the
opportunity away from our partners because we've decided
we're not. We're going to discredit them
ourselves and we're not going toshare them.
But emotions don't need permission slips from our brains
because they're going to be there anyway.
They just need a safe space to be seen.
So it's not about them being validated or about them being
true. It's just we need a safe space
(10:31):
to process them so that they don't get us in this gridlock.
Avoiding them doesn't make them go away.
It actually just makes them sneakier and it makes it more
difficult to identify how it's impacting our lives and it makes
it more explosive. So those are unbearable
feelings. Spend some time assessing what
yours might be. But then that's how we usually
(10:52):
react to them. This avoidance is pushing it
down, trying to run away from itbecause it's just, it feels too
unsafe. And how this plays out in
relationships is if we don't deal with these unbearable
feelings and we don't have terminology for it, we don't
have that curiosity. We've spoken about how we can
identify these differences aboutourselves and we can, we know
each other better, then we can function better as a couple.
(11:15):
If we don't have that because we're too scared and we're
avoiding it, then they're going to leak out into our reactions
sideways. Basically.
It could be bottling. So Liv talked about in our
episode last week that she bottles and she bottles and
bottles and things just build up.
So bottling can turn into resentment.
And we've talked about resentment and we've talked
about the implications of resentment.
Contempt being one of the four horsemen from the Guttman
(11:38):
Institute about relationships. And it's a huge issue for
relationships when contempt builds.
So bottling can turn into resentment, which can turn into
contempt. And that's a real trap.
So you can smile and hold it allin, act like everything's fine,
keep the peace, but the pressureis building inside until it all
just tips over and explodes. Another way it might be playing
(12:00):
out in our relationship is exploding.
And this can lead to shut down. So you finally let it all out.
Like big explosion out of the blue, for one thing, takes your
partner by surprise because they're like, whoa, what is
going on? But then you feel ashamed,
misunderstood, or emotionally exiled, whatever might be going
on for you. And so then you shut down.
And again, we've spoken about Four Horsemen stonewalling and
(12:23):
how impactful that is to relationships.
Exploding can lead you to then shutting down and stonewalling.
So can numbing. So numbing can cause
disconnection. You scroll, binge work or stay
busy, but underneath it you're feeling really lonely or
unknown. And so you are, if you're
numbing these things, you're just trying to push them away,
(12:43):
numb them, make them not feel anything.
Then you actually start to remove yourself from
relationship and and you isolateyourself mentally and
emotionally. And that is really unhealthy for
working through things because the things that sit in our brain
in the dark, they just sit thereby ourselves without being
expressed. They really fester.
But when we can communicate about those things, that's when
(13:05):
we can get some clarity and worktogether in bringing the
lightness to those things. So numbing actually just pushes
you further away from your partner, from the world, from
relationships, and from your partner.
And the last one in this list ofthings of how it might play out
in your relationship is over functioning.
And this ends in burnout. Again, we've spoken about
(13:28):
burnout. All of these things connect so
much to these other areas of relationship, but you carry the
load. You make everything work and
then one day your system's just like no, no more and burn out.
If you haven't listened to our episode yet, hop on over and
listen to that one. But it impacts your whole life.
It impacts your physical, mentaland emotional well being.
It impacts your relationships orit impacts your work and it just
(13:50):
leads to an implosion. Basically, even though you're
trying to. So you're you're over
functioning in the hopes that you're going to compensate for
these feelings that you haven't processed, but really you're
leading yourself to burnout, which is just gonna implode.
Yeah. And on that really quickly, you
know if you're resonating with that topic right there is
relational burnout and stuff. I'll, I'll really recommend for
(14:12):
you to go check out our episode on relationship burnout on
episode 43. That's going to be in the show
notes for you. Go check that out.
It's a very good one. In that episode, we unpack how
burnout shows up in your relationship emotionally,
practically, and even in the bedroom.
So go check that episode out. It's a really good one and a lot
of a lot of practical things in there.
(14:33):
Yeah. So these are some of the ways it
might be playing out in relationship and when one person
is bottling and the other person's over functioning
because we all have our things that we're doing and we all have
our different ways that this will present.
You can get a distancing or misunderstanding and often a
lack of intimacy and it just continues to build.
Like it's one thing to be like, Oh yeah, my partner bottles.
Both of you have these unbearable feelings and a way to
(14:57):
navigate them. So it's not just about one
partner is doing this, it's alsoabout the other partner does
this and then how those things impact each other.
And I was thinking, we've just ploughed through a lot about,
you know, what these unbearable feelings are.
But maybe we could have a discussion and try and figure
out what ours are. Yeah.
Share what our experience with them is.
Yeah. So have you just listening to
(15:17):
this so far? Has any feeling popped into your
mind that you think is maybe oneof yours?
Absolutely. I yeah, I think the one that
stood out to me the most was hyper responsibility.
If I let go, everything will collapse.
But again, it brings me back to that episode that you and I did
on what's driving you in, in that talked about how I need
certainty. And that's been really playing
(15:37):
out in a lot of things in my life now.
Like just that that episode was so good because I'm just like,
Oh man, I can see it in, in everywhere.
And I think I, I see it here too.
So if I let go, everything will collapse.
But it's, it's not even just a matter of that.
It's like if I let go, I don't know what will happen, you know,
And it's this fear of there's a fear in there for sure.
(15:58):
So in the questions that we've got to identify them, there's a
few, not all of them will apply.So the first one is what's one
thing I can't say out loud even to myself?
I don't know. I have a lot of fears that I
can't, that I don't like saying out loud because they're just
imposter. What do they call imposter
syndrome? Not imposter syndrome, intrusive
thoughts. They're just imposter syndrome.
(16:19):
I mean that too, but no different.
But yeah, intrusive thoughts that aren't healthy or helpful
and or real. And so I've tried to work on
ways to process them myself, butmyself.
But I don't think that there arethings that I need to
communicate with you. Every now and then there'll be
things I'm like I just need to name it can.
You give me an example of what that would be like.
What's the what's the thing? I can't say out loud, even to
(16:39):
myself. What's that?
So for me, it might be like, well, it could be if we look at
the list of things that it mightbe so fear of being too much
like it might, you might not even be able to say it to
yourself that you're too much. So whatever.
One of those examples. Yeah, yeah.
So these questions aren't too, they aren't narrow.
They're open and they're trying to prompt you to think what
(17:01):
things make me really uncomfortable, like it's
unbearable and I react badly. And if there's something that
you can't say out loud, even to yourself, that might be one of
those things. There might not be an like an
answer for that for you. But if that resonates, that
emotion, that feeling might be your unbearable feeling.
Yeah. What do I fear my partner
secretly believes about me? That's a good question.
(17:23):
What do I fear my partner secretly believes about me?
I don't fear much about that. I don't.
Fear much about that yeah. And I think that's quite telling
if this is you know, you and youyou are stuck on that like I
again it's it's really coming back to you like even doing this
exercise together in a Safeway because that's that's a scary
thing. You know, if it's a scary thing,
(17:43):
if I try and think through that,if I had a thought where where
I'm like, oh, is Amy thinking this about that would come with
so much insecurity in our relationship.
You know, I wouldn't, I don't know, I wouldn't be able to
function well in a relationship.I wouldn't be able to, you know,
have confidence. I wouldn't be able to have
security, I guess in that relationship if I didn't know
that. Because we've talked about how
you push these down. So it wouldn't necessarily be
(18:05):
something you're always thinkingabout, true.
But if you it's like if you stopand think, and I think if I stop
and think, I probably think about like, like I probably
question sometimes if you think I'm like a bit of a joke of an
adult. And we've talked about how this
implement implements impacts. Oh my gosh, language is not
here. Words some of my stuff, but I
(18:27):
don't think about that much. But that would probably be, if I
had to name one, that would be something that's like the Deep,
Like, yeah, if I was worried about it, it would be this.
Have I brought anything up? About you.
Yeah, about me. No, I don't think so.
I'm trying to think through now because that's The thing is like
you, like you said, it's to start stopping and reflecting
and thinking through that. And I'm sure there is something
(18:49):
there. But I think again, This is why
this exercise is so important togo through individually and then
together. Because it's not that I'm saying
that people wouldn't feel these things, but if you do, I could
see how much insecurity that could bring into your
relationship would then feed into so many other triggers and
fears. This is a really good one too.
(19:10):
Like if I stopped and slowed down, what feeling would catch
up to me? That's a really good one for
busy, busy people. Yeah, I just, I thought that I
would stress out like I would get, not that I'm busy busy, but
I, I struggle with burning and burning myself out in
professional sense and just a life sense, right?
I've really struggled to sit still and not do something.
And I'm not sure what that is like.
(19:30):
I'm not sure I I haven't reflected on that enough to
know. Like, am I running from
something or a feeling? I know there's an element of
where I feel like I always need.I need to always feel
productive. I wonder if that's like an
identity thing. Your family has a really high
work ethic, so potentially that's just something you've
(19:51):
picked up along the way. It's I, I see the damage in this
as well as when we don't stop toreflect, we don't work on the
things where you know. That run us.
Run us. Yeah, well, we're not, we're not
aware of the things that run us.You know, do I have this
expectation? Like I've seen this work ethic
in my family. So now do I have this
expectation of myself? And then I don't, you know, I if
(20:12):
I don't do that, if I don't achieve or excel or, you know,
work hard, am I, do I lose worthin myself?
Yeah, that's what I was wondering.
And potentially it could be downto, to that whole, I'm not
enough without it. Because if your ability to
achieve for some reason was changed, what would be left?
(20:32):
What would you be left feeling? I remember when I had my actual
big burnout from, from work and during COVID and in Melbourne,
which came with a lot of other things as well.
But after that was such a journey to be like, you know,
where do I fit, you know, because I went through a number
of jobs, you know, they just weren't, they were never, oh,
(20:54):
not never. But they were, they were
temporary jobs right until whereI landed now.
And they are looking back on them.
I'm like, yeah, they there's no way I would have stayed there
anyway. But but Ian, that was such a
lost feeling because I I'm like,where do I go?
What do I do? What can I do?
And there's a lot of identity that was lost in that time,
which was a good thing it. Was a good exercise.
(21:16):
It was a good exercise it. Was extremely hard season for
both of us. Yeah, I reckon that's telling
for maybe some of your unbearable feelings and.
For sure. Feeling like you don't have a
purpose or anything to add to add to the world or worth to add
to the world outside of achieving, achieving, achieving.
(21:37):
And if you slow down, then you're lazy.
Like I know you really struggle with feeling restless.
And we talked about this in the coaching episode.
When you feel restless, you get really antsy.
I'm really agitated, Yeah. And I'm frustrated with the
kids. More like I don't have that
patience Philtre in there. Yeah.
You also get really frustrated at people for laziness.
Yeah, so that could be telling as well.
(21:58):
A lot of the time what we get really frustrated at other
people for is what we're frustrated, what we feel yucky
about. So yeah, I reckon that's
probably all skirting that. And this is all something I'm
working on, by the way. Like we've identified this about
my attitude towards other people, and it's something I'm
just really trying to let go because why does that bother me?
Like, why do I need to wrestle with that?
(22:19):
It's got nothing to do with me and so why can't I just let it
go? Why is it so appalling to you?
Yeah, I think This is why. That's the thing inside of me,
of that fear of myself because of expectations I put on myself.
Do you know what I reckon that plays into that?
That feeling of my fear of what you think about me?
Because I know how you feel about other people.
Yeah. And I know how you feel about
(22:39):
yourself. Yeah.
And so when I when I read that something I've done or not done
is triggering that in you, they're like, maybe he thinks
I'm a joke of a human, which that is such an intense
statement. It's not actually the words that
popping to my head and not something I think about much,
but I wonder if it's all tied intogether.
And then that ties into my own like identity around being an
(23:02):
established independent, like adult that can do things are
capable. That's probably a good word.
So it's probably just like this little frustrating space.
Yeah, really interesting. So for me, if I stopped and
slowed down, what feelings wouldcatch up to me?
I when I was trying to process what mine might be one question
to ask is another question. So on here actually is what was
(23:22):
the last time that everything just felt too much.
And for me, the other day, I wasgiving my kid his supplements,
our oldest son, his supplements,because he's had to be on these
things for some health stuff this year.
And I was just like, we're almost at the end of the
supplements. They're really expensive.
And all of a sudden it caught upto me.
Like I can't maintain this for the rest of his life.
And I it's like such an over like exaggeration of the
(23:46):
situation, the reality of the situation, I should say.
But it was like, it's so complex, his health stuff.
It's not that complex. It's just my brain makes it
really complex. I feel like found some clarity
in a way forward with these supplements or almost at the end
of them. And they're really expensive and
we're tight on budget. And like all these things
started to spiral. And I realised that when I work
(24:06):
through things, I like hyper fixated on a, an answer to
something like I want to figure out why it's not working to the
point where if I can't spend, like, I get really distracted.
And I just really spent a lot oftime trying to figure out how to
make this thing work or figure out what's going on.
And so it's like a big knot. And I'll like, you know how when
you're pulling something apart that's all knotted, you find the
(24:28):
thing that moves a bit and you can kind of see the way.
And then every now and then you get to a point where I so
knotted that it just doesn't budget in any direction.
And you're like, and I feel likemy brain does this thing where
I'm like really calmly, like very invested in the process of
unknotting this thing. And every now and then, if I
lose focus on that, if I get distracted by something else or
(24:49):
I get overwhelmed, all of a sudden I'm like stuck in the
middle of this knot. And I don't know how to keep
going forward. But I also can't reverse it
because it took so much energy to get to where I am to like
reverse figure out what I was doing.
But then I just had this moment of like frustration.
And I get that way. Like sometimes this is such a
silly example, but like I'll fixa tech issue.
(25:10):
So I like figure out this, this work around to a problem or
something. And then, but to then replicate
that, it's so exhausting to me because I'm like, Oh my gosh,
the energy and the like puzzlingand whatever, I didn't record
the process. I just figured it out.
Then to have to go back and redothat is like so exhausting.
And so I do have this sense of like, I think for me, the
(25:31):
unbearable feeling is I feel like I hold everything together.
And this is definitely somethingfrom my childhood, like I am
responsible to hold everything together that if I let go, I
don't know what, I don't know what will happen.
And that's kind of like what I'mleft with is just like, I don't
know. I don't know, I don't know.
And you just pushed into that feeling.
My my answer to that is I would panic.
I would get into like a panic zone and I don't know if I could
(25:52):
function. This is a really, really good
one. Is what do I feel right before I
get reactive or shut down? I think this would be relevant
to both of us, probably to everybody.
Yeah. In those moments where you get
really, really overwhelmed, whatare you feeling in that process?
Physically feeling my head, I'm feeling in my head like right.
So if I'm getting overwhelmed, like it's just there's like it's
(26:12):
not necessarily an ache. It's like adrenaline, I guess,
rather than in my body, it's in my head and I just become numb
and just like what is going on? Like I just, I don't make sense
of things. So I feel it physically in my
head and then I notice that my brain just shuts down.
I'm like, I don't know, there's so much noise.
There's I've got so many questions coming up and I'm
(26:34):
talking about the. Kids.
Here like I've got so many questions coming at me right now
like what is going I just can't regulate the amount of noise or
or information coming in. I wonder if that comes down to
that the certainty again as well, like it's an out of
control situation. Yeah, you know, yeah.
It feels, it feels very out of control.
(26:54):
And I just, yeah, I don't know, I just don't cope with that.
Yeah. I wonder.
What the feeling is that leads you to that?
Because it'll be one kid saying something, then another kid
saying something, and then all of a sudden all the kids saying
something and your brain is not caught up with what's going on.
And that's when it's like. Yeah, because I'm fine if it's
one kid to a point, like when they when when they start like
(27:17):
having a meltdown or something, then I'm just like, what is
going on again? Like I just can't because I, I
think it's like I don't understand their emotion.
And it's like, well, I don't know how to respond to that
emotion because it what you're like, how you're reacting is so
big. And in an adult sense that does
not make sense, right. Like, you know, that doesn't,
that's not how you deal with those situations.
(27:39):
But the kids like, of course they're going to deal that.
But yeah, for some reason it's like I have this expectation
that they should be acting differently and I need to work
through that moment of like, well, OK, I can't have that.
That's not an affair. A fair expectation on them
though. So it's like, it is.
And then I'll go down to like even this shame thing, you know,
the shame elements of it of like, well, I don't like that I
(28:02):
have this expectation. I, I get frustrated that I have
this expectation on them. And then I get frustrated on
myself. And then that just fuels the
overwhelmness because I have this expectation on myself of
like, why don't I? You know, I know this isn't what
I want to do, but I am doing it and I just spiral.
Yeah. I wonder what expectation it is
(28:23):
you have on them. Like what is it you expect of
them that they're not and then of yourself that they're not
doing? Well, I, I think the, again, the
expectation is that they act like adults, but it's not a,
it's not a good expectation or arealistic expectation.
And then I realise that and I'm like, oh, frustrated, why didn't
I think that that's such a sillything to expect of kids.
(28:44):
Like I've got to walk with them and journey with them to learn
these things. And then I'm frustrated because
I'm not taking that time to do that.
So then I, yeah, have this expectation on myself that I'll
be a better dad and no, dad's perfect.
And so, yeah. And I think that goes on back
into the performance stuff. Like it all feeds in together of
(29:05):
like, you know, achieving and and working hard.
And, you know, I just maybe it'sthat I don't feel like I'm
enough party game. You know, in my response to the
kids, I'm frustrated at myself because I feel like I'm not
enough, or I have this fear thatI'm not enough, or I have this
fear that I'll be a dad that I don't want to be and all that
sort of stuff. Interesting.
All within the span of one second, that's how.
Quick, a lot of emotions in those things.
(29:26):
And that's The thing is if we don't take the time to reflect
and unpack, we, you know, it's, it's easy for me to look at
those situations, be like, oh, this is the reason and then move
on. They're like, just then I'm
like, well, no, it's this, the feeds into this, the feeds into
this, the feeds into this, the feeds into this.
And we're so much more complex than just this one thing.
(29:48):
And a lot of parents in this situation, including us at
times, would identify if they'd have this play out.
To be clear, this exact thing happens with me as well.
They'll have this play out and then they'll be like, it's
because you guys are being so like difficult.
Yes, it's triggered by an overwhelm from the kids, but
it's not because they're being difficult that this is how
(30:08):
you've reacted. Just like they're not regulating
their emotions, you're not regulating your emotions, but a
parent would often look at that and be like, you guys are being,
you guys are being difficult, stop being difficult and then
we're all going to be OK. They wouldn't go deeper and be
like, why does this trigger me? Why do I react this way?
And what's the deep down feelingthat I'm that is so unbearable
to me that I'm reacting this wayand then identifying that
(30:32):
because you identifying that hasbeen a super freeing thing.
And even today, like this conversation really helpful for
us in terms of understanding each other.
I'm not going to look, look at you and just be like, ah, he's
just being cranky again. Like I'm going to now have this
conversation in the back of our heads.
Doesn't mean it's fine, but it'snow layer of understanding.
And I think if you're in a relationship with somebody and
(30:52):
you see these regular reactions or regular patterns that you're
just like, I don't get it. I don't know why they're acting
this way. It just then, like we said, it
builds into resentment because if you don't have that
conversation and you don't have that understanding, of course
you're going to be like, my partner reacts like super
intensely to the kids just wanting to talk to him.
(31:12):
And that's just going to build into this big like resentment
thing I sometimes feel because of my childhood.
I will overextend in terms of taking responsibility for making
sure that they don't push you through that.
And then that's not healthy either.
And so it just becomes us back and forth, us understanding
these things about each other helps us to unpick that and get
(31:32):
more clarity in that, and then helps us work and support each
other in a way that's better so we can move forward and be more
constructive and, and even helpsour kids understand that about
us. So instead of them just seeing
mom and dad get cranky, they seemom and dad get cranky.
They apologised and they've explained that they just get so
overwhelmed. And that feeling really prompts
like a feeling of just not beingenough and that kind of thing.
(31:55):
Imagine understanding that. Yeah.
Trying in this area, but it's hard when you're still trying to
unpack it yourself. But we've been trying our our
best. So, you know, with, with me
being overwhelmed and I've reacted in a bad way, either to
you or to the kids. We try and take the kids on that
journey and like you just said, and just sort of walking them
(32:15):
through as never excusing our reaction, but it's just helping
them to understand it. So, but also helping them to see
what we're actually doing about it.
Because I think it's one thing, we see this a lot, even the
outside of relationships identify something, but then
that's it. It says with identifying and we
haven't actually put in the workor put things in place to
actually work through that. And that's another thing that
(32:37):
I'm trying to do too is like, well, all right, I've identified
this and that's good. That's really, really good is to
identify something. Now I'm going to work on it.
And that's also very, very good.But if I'm silently working on
stuff too, that's not helping them.
It's not helping you. Because for you, whenever I
react that way, you're still seeing me reacts that way.
You have no idea of the thing that I'm actually working on.
(33:00):
And you know, I see this sometimes in in some couples, I
would say like, you know, you'redoing this again.
It's like what I've been trying.It's like, yeah, but I didn't
know you were trying. And I haven't seen any different
that you haven't communicated anything outside of you
identifying it. And yeah, just the journey is
part of it, right? It's a huge part.
It's the biggest part of it is the journey of working through
(33:21):
stuff. And if we're not communicating
that journey, you're all you're going to see is the struggle.
That's the honour of being in a relationship with people is it's
not about the nice fuzzy feelings because those come and
go. Those should be part of the
equation. But the honour of being
someone's special person is to know them so deeply like nobody
(33:46):
else does and be like aware of their intricacies and how
they're working and work on thattogether and build towards a
stronger togetherness. That's why this podcast exists
like this. That's, that's the honour of
being someone's partner and whatwe get to do with somebody in
that space. And yes, it's hard work, but
it's like it's an honour. That's why we're in relationship
(34:07):
with each other. If we didn't really want to know
someone's deep internal problemsor didn't really want to see
that they're a real person with insecurities and hang ups and
unbearable feelings and all these other things we wouldn't
like, we shouldn't be in a relationship.
That's not relationship, that's just entertainment.
That's just like being used likea hobby basically.
But the relationship is about this.
(34:29):
And when you're a parent, it's even more important.
And Sam and Lib talked about this last week as well, the
importance of being students of each other and students of your
kids and how that impacts parenthood, impacts your
relationships. It's so important to be a
student of your partner so that you guys have a stronger
approach in the future When you're we've, we've just like,
(34:52):
you know, explored what it mightbe for us.
You guys do this in your own time and explore that as well.
And like I said, we'll have a, aresource you can do that with as
well. So you can see it written down.
You don't have to remember all of this, but once you start to
identify what is an unbearable feeling for you, what's going on
for you, then we can work on working on them, putting things
in place to help support you in this space as an individual and
(35:16):
as a couple. So ways you can do this is
starting small. Like we've said, you might not
have terminology before. You might not even understand
the depths to which these thingsgo or where they come from or
anything like that. So don't feel like you have to
have this beautifully well presented description of what's
happening and why and all this stuff before you bring it to
your partner. That's not what you need.
(35:36):
So you can start small and even clumsily, like just name it.
Just say, I'm feeling really heavy right now.
This is feeling really overwhelming and I don't know
what to do with it or why. And you're just naming it in the
clumsy, broken part, bringing your partner into that space,
helping get it out of just your head and your heart and out into
(35:57):
the world so that there's some freedom and clarity there.
And you're pushing past that awkward first step and just be
like, all right, we're just going to name it and then we're
done. And then we can start to get
some clarity around it. And.
I want to say too, if you need help in this process, like write
in, go to honeymoon.com, write in because we read all of these
emails by the way. And I genuinely mean that we do
read them. And so write in and we can be
(36:19):
that like sort of person that you process with.
Just get it out there. Doesn't matter how clumsy it is.
It's going to come from no judgement from our side and it's
just for you to get it out of your head and then you can start
there if you need to and then goto your partner afterwards.
Yeah, absolutely, totally agree.And if you're wrestling with
that, other people are too. So yeah, definitely we're here
(36:40):
to help you process that too. If that's helpful, you can share
it without expecting a fix. That's also probably really
important. And the flip side of this is
also important, which we'll get to, so you can say, I don't need
a solution. I just need to let you know that
this is really overwhelmingly, or I just want to say out loud
that I'm really struggling with insecurity in this space or
(37:00):
something like that. So that you're, again, you're
just getting it out, you're being clumsy and getting it out
to break the ice basically. You can even use a preview if
you're like, I don't have the emotional capacity to have this
conversation right now. You can say, hey, I've got
something I'm working through something that feels pretty
heavy. Can we find a time to chat about
(37:21):
this when it's not chaotic? So you've given your partner
enough information. Try try to do it maybe in a way
that doesn't make them feel likewhat's coming, but like enough
information to say, I need to talk about this, but I can't
right now. Can we find a time?
So they've got in their mind, we're going to have this
conversation. Let's set aside a time and you
can both come to it in you're ready to have the conversation
(37:41):
and then you can dive into it a little bit more.
So that will create an emotionalsafety for you.
That'll help bring some clarity and some light into this part of
you that might feel pretty dark and heavy and isolated
otherwise. And it helps avoid triggering
defensiveness or shutting down, because that can also happen
depending on what you're navigating.
Also, remind yourself that feelings are information.
(38:02):
They're not emergencies. You don't have to fix it right
now. They're information that help
you identify something going on for yourself.
And that's a really helpful, neutralising way to look at it.
They're pieces of information that will help you identify.
They're not an emergency that you need to fix everything right
now or feel like it's all in crisis.
(38:24):
They're normal and they are justpieces of information.
Ignoring it though, acting like it's not there is going to just
make it louder and louder and louder and louder and feel more
and more like an emergency. So just just identify that for
yourself. It's just information.
It's not an emergency, it's not crisis.
But also I am going to address it because it's just going to
get louder and harder to see that if I keep pushing it away.
(38:47):
So then if you're on the receiving, the receiving end as
a partner to a partner, that's identifying these things you
don't need to fix and that's probably really important.
You don't need to dive into, OK,let's make this work.
And I really struggle with this,but you can just be there and
witness and be like honoured with them sharing and just be a
listening ear. So you can try saying things
(39:08):
like, thank you for telling me about that or that makes a lot
of sense, or I'm here for you opening a space where they feel
safe and they don't feel dismissed or belittled or like
they're silly or anything like that.
But there's a conversation that can be had and they're someone
that you can come back to with this later.
Even if you don't fully understand it, even if it
doesn't really make sense, just hold on to that.
(39:30):
They've shared something deep with you.
And it might not be clear right now, but that's an honour.
And being that safe space for them will mean that they can
come back like as you go, as youprogress and share more about
this and workshop more about this with you.
So you guys can work on a way that's going to be constructive
and resourceful. And then once you've started to
work on these unbearable feelings and you've identified
(39:50):
them for each other, like we've said, you can go through the
situations that would flare it up or or make you react or
whatever with so much more clarity.
You can pull things in place to make sure that you've got a
process that works well for you and helps you address these
things. So if you haven't listened to
last week's episode, please listen to it because Sam and Liv
(40:11):
talk about this exact thing. They shared how Liv has had to
because she needs to have this conversation but Sam was too
scared. To talk about stuff because he
didn't feel clear on it. He just needed to kind of
clumsily get it out. She's made a little rule for
herself that she's not going to get offended by what he says.
She's just going to let him talkuntil he can clarify it and get
(40:31):
it all out and share it. And so he might initially come
out with things that don't soundhelpful or nice, but that he's
just trying to get it out of hishead because that's how he
functions. He just, he doesn't have any
clarity. He just needs to get it out.
And so they've found, obviously looking at their unbearable
feelings, they have found a way that works for them.
And that's what you can get whenyou have these conversations and
(40:53):
you start to identify them. You can find little processes
that will work for you to make things easier.
So the overwhelm with the children like we have, we've
over the years, we've found waysthat help us with that.
We've found things we can support each other in, like
giving each other a few minutes or stepping in and helping when
we can see that someone's getting overwhelmed with that
sort of thing. There's ways that you can work
(41:14):
as a couple with this clarity tothen help and support each other
in that. Without the clarity, you're
functioning off the wrong information or a lack of
information and you're functioning off the fence.
You're functioning off surface level readings, assumptions
about what the other person is thinking and feeling, and you
are not going to be getting anywhere very quickly.
(41:35):
In fact, you might be getting the direction you don't want to
go very quickly. So those are unbearable
feelings. These will play out differently
for everybody, but have a look at the free resource, work
through that together, try and get a grasp of what's going on
for yourself as an individual because it's super helpful.
And then as a couple so that youguys can be closer and work
closer together and find ways and rhythms that work well for
(41:58):
you. So we're going to quickly do a
reality check corner to really solidify the stuff we've worked
on today. This prompt I want you to think
about as we finish up this episode.
Where are you holding an unbearable feeling in silence?
So what's the thing you keep pushing down?
The fear, the grief, or the shame or the pressure that feels
too big to name? And what has that silence cost
(42:18):
you emotionally, physically, relationally?
So what is something that you'vebeen hiding or holding or
pushing away that feels too big,but what is that pushing away of
it actually cost you? And then a challenge that you
can implement today is ask your partner, is there anything
you've been too scared to say because you didn't know how I
would take it? Is there anything you're holding
(42:40):
that you didn't, you feel too scared to share with me because
you weren't sure how it would come across And just let them
talk. You're not asking them to unload
everything and to be really rudeto you or anything like that.
You're opening a door for them to be honest about stuff that
they're navigating and holding. And if they do share, just meet
it with gentleness and curiosity.
Meet it with a safe space and not needing to fix it.
(43:03):
It's just thanks for telling me that.
And then this is a future pace just to borrow from the
projection of what it could looklike to work on these areas in
your life. So we're going to borrow that
motivation from this visualisation of what it could
look like to have a bit more freedom in this space.
Imagine the emotional energy you'd get back, the safety, the
connection, the way you'd show up knowing your inner world
(43:25):
didn't have to be hidden. That kind of relationship isn't
unrealistic, it's just somethingthat takes practise and one
moment of honesty at a time. And that moment can be today.
Alrighty, that's unbearable feelings.
Who's? A good mum, I like that and I
like that we dive into those things because again, it's so
important for us to do individually and then bring it
back into a conversation with each other.
(43:45):
Yeah, and it's a harder one because it's not the five love
languages, the four horsemen, which are really clearly
defined. It's more vague and more
individual, but it's a conversation and an exploration
together, something that could be invaluable to explore.
Oh yeah, definitely worth looking into.
Awesome. Thanks guys.
Catch you next week. Good chat.
What if the biggest problem in your relationship wasn't even
between you and your partner, but instead was caused by a
deeply triggering emotion that your body and subconscious will
do almost anything to avoid? In this episode, we're going to
be talking about unbearable feelings and how that can have
an impact on your relationship. Honey, we need to chat.
(00:30):
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of Honey We Need
to Chat. This is the podcast all about
communication in a relationship.By you being here, man, that
tells us so much about you. It tells us that you are curious
about your involvement in your relationship.
It shows us that you're intentional and you want to do
something about it. And that's awesome because we
strongly believe in the importance of communication in a
(00:52):
relationship. Not just that you communicate,
but how you communicate, how theother person receives that
communication. And it's something that you
continually work on. It's not something you just
like, I got this now. I mean, I've been married for 10
years and we are still working on it a lot.
And we have to be intentional when we have to keep keep
growing. And it's a lifelong thing.
And it's a lifelong thing that we're committed to and are very
(01:15):
passionate about. So whether you're new or you,
you're a regular. Thank you so much for coming
back and showing your support and just going on this journey
with us. I just want to start by asking
you, please support us by liking, sharing, subscribing and
commenting all the things. If you could just do that, just
take 2 seconds to quickly go over and click on the subscribe
(01:35):
or click on the thumbs up or whatever you're on, whatever
platform you're on, that actually goes a massive way for
us guys. So we've been doing this podcast
for a little over a year now. We love it and we wanna we wanna
get this message out there more and more.
So please help us support us. Just click the like share,
subscribe, share it to your mum if you need to just to help us
out in. A non passive aggressive yeah.
(01:56):
Mum, check this out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thank you so much for being here.
Welcome. So we are talking about
Unbearable Feelings today. So if you heard our last
episode, we interviewed Liv and Sam Ramsden from Silly Stories
with Kids. And in that episode, Liv talked
about some of the premarital counselling that they did and a
concept they focused on, which was Unbearable Feelings.
(02:17):
And we thought we would expand on that and explore it because
we actually weren't super familiar with that.
So it's been really helpful to kind of learn about it and
explore what this is and how it might be impacting our
relationship. And I'm excited to chat about
that on this episode together and explore what's going on
there. But these aren't just emotions
that we don't like. These are really, really big
(02:37):
emotions that we don't know how to express safely.
These are really big feelings and fears, anxieties, whatever
it might be, that underpin some of our reactions.
They underpin how we function. They underpin how we read
situations. And a lot of the time, we might
not even be aware that they're playing a, a role in our
relationship or in our lives. We might not even be aware what
they are. We might not have words to put
(02:59):
to it. So it's a really helpful
framework to spend some time exploring because it helps us
understand again, something a little bit more about ourselves.
And then that can help us understand how we are showing up
in the world and how we're showing up in our relationships
and how to strengthen that. So we're gonna dive into that,
but first. We are gonna have a little fun.
We're gonna throw it right back.So we have a lot of heavy
(03:20):
conversations on this podcast. We have a lot of heavy topics,
but we like to have some fun, you know, fun fun's where it's
at. So we're gonna start off with a
little Would you rather we like this?
This is just something that Amy and I we.
Used to do this all the time. You're an RG listener?
Yeah, we haven't done it for a very long.
Time but but we did this way before the podcast too, like.
Oh yeah, we did. You know, car rides, whatever
else we love, we love this sort of stuff, so we're gonna keep
(03:42):
doing it. So would you rather have your
partner read your mind for a dayor have them explain their every
thought out loud for a day? I feel like you do this.
Do the latter. Excuse me?
Already excuse. Me.
I feel like I know every thoughtyou have anyway.
That is so rude. And I feel like, I feel like if
(04:04):
you knew what was on my mind allday, you would just be cracking
up for the day. So.
I would I be laughing. You'd.
Be laughing and disgusted, I reckon I.
Reckon I I actually think B because I think it would be a
little scary to have an unfiltered mind reading.
Not because the what's in your mind is scary, but your mind is
not filtered and not gently structured.
(04:27):
And I think, I don't know, but if that was what we were, oh, is
it just for a day, though? Just for a day?
Yeah, No, that's definitely helpyou explain it.
Then if that's what we were usedto and we just knew everybody's
running like commentary. I've often thought, yeah, I'd
mind read because we'd all be used to hearing the blunt stuff.
We wouldn't be, like, offended by that.
But because it's just for a day,it'd be very confronting.
Yeah, yeah. And I'd probably be arguing with
(04:49):
it all the time. Yeah, excuse.
I wouldn't even say. Anything like how dare you?
Yeah. So that's my thought.
What would you guys do? Right in put in comments.
Alrighty, so let's dive into unbearable feelings on that
topic. So unbearable feelings are the
ones that don't just feel uncomfortable, They're not
things that are like, I don't like that feeling.
(05:10):
They actually feel unmanageable.They are unbearable.
They're messy, they're overwhelming, they often feel
too risky to share. And like I said before, they may
be things you don't even have terminology for.
You don't even, you might not even be aware that this is a
really unbearable feeling for you.
So it's not just that it's riskyto share, it's also potentially
you don't even know how to shareit.
(05:31):
So we bury them, we dismiss them, we push them down, we try
to function over top of them. And it's not always obvious ones
like anger or grief. Sometimes it's more quieter
things. So it could be things like fear
that you are invisible, the sense that you're failing even
when you're trying your best, the pressure to keep everything
running or else it'll fall apart.
So those, they're not just the basic emotions we know, like
(05:55):
happy, joyful, angry, mad, blah,blah, blah, blah.
They're they're sometimes very deep and very specific and, and
sometimes a lot more quieter andthings that we don't even
recognise, like if we saw it listed on a page, we might not
even be our reaction might not even be to be like, oh, I hate
that feeling. Like it might just be so
subconscious for you that you don't even know.
So some common examples. Shame.
(06:17):
So they thought that there's something wrong with me or hyper
responsibility. If I let go everything will
collapse. This is something I struggle
with a lot. Fear of being too much.
If I say this they'll be overwhelmed.
Interestingly, in my coaching I've had a number of clients say
that that have a fear of or a story that plays out for them
that they are too much and they need to squelch that down.
(06:37):
Fear of being not enough so if Ispeak up they'll just walk away.
Or emotional claustrophobia. Like I feel stuck, I can't
breathe, I can't fix this. So sometimes there aren't even
words for the emotions. They're just a physical
heaviness, a shutdown or a tightness and overwhelm.
But it can still shape how we'reshowing up in the world and
affect how we're reacting. So if you want to try and
(06:58):
identify what yours isn't. This is something I was really
trying to do this week when I was working on this is ask
yourself these things. So what's something that I can't
say out loud, even to myself, like I can't name it, it's too
much for me. What do you fear your partner
secretly believes about you? If I stopped and slowed down,
what feelings would catch up with me?
What do I feel right before I get reactive or shut down?
(07:20):
What's that feeling that leads to that response?
And what would I say if I knew no one else would judge me?
So those are just some of the questions.
I'm also going to pull this intoa resource you can download so
you can spend some time because I think it does take, for some
people, it might be really obvious, but for some people,
it'll take some time to identifywhat it is.
That might be an unbearable feeling for you, but these are
(07:41):
some questions you can you can do to prompt for yourself what
unbearable feeling might be impacting your life.
So we have these feelings and then we try to avoid them
because they're unbearable. They don't make us feel safe.
They make us feel feel like it'sunmanageable.
They shut us down. We try to avoid these feelings
all the time. There's a deep fear that if we
(08:02):
actually feel it, if we press into it, a lot of time, you
might almost feel it kind of around the outskirts of your
mind, like I'm getting there andyou just avoid it.
And there's a fear that if you press into that feeling, then
you'll just fall apart. Or if you press into that
feeling, it'll you'll be like stuck or lost or whatever might
be going on for you. And often the fear isn't
rational. It's not something that's really
(08:23):
logical and makes sense. It's a learned reaction.
So it could be from your experiences a lot of the time,
and it probably is from your experiences growing up or past
trauma or past experiences or insecurities, The stories that
have gone round and around in your head, but they're not
rational fears, they're learned fears.
So you might have been raised tobeing told that you were too
much when you were little. And that's the similar.
(08:46):
That's the common story that I've seen in my coaching with
some of the women is just this, this story that you were too
much. Whether those exact words came
out of their mouths or it was animplication by the reactions of
their caregivers or the people around them or their school,
there was an implication that they were too much.
So they grew up knowing they're too much.
They need to be lesser of who they are.
(09:07):
Or maybe your big emotions were met with silence or disapproval
or punishment. So you grew up being like, I
can't show these things, They'renot received well, so I need to
hide that away. So now your body thinks, don't
go there, it's not safe. And so we avoid.
There's also a relational fear, so they'll think I'm too needy.
When you're interacting in your relationship, these might play
(09:28):
out because at its core, it's like, my partner will think this
about me. If I show them this true
unbearable feeling, they'll try to fix it and miss the point.
They'll get defensive and make it about them.
So there can be relational fearsimpacting why we're avoiding
these unbearable feelings too. We also tend to discredit our
feelings if we can't explain them logically.
(09:49):
And this is a huge one for me. Like I don't discredit it.
I know I understand that it's legit and it impacts me.
But if I don't see the logic behind her, I can't like
verbalise it. I feel really silly.
And so we might be hiding these away or not communicating about
them because we can't explain them logically because they're
(10:09):
not a logical thing. And so we're actually taking the
opportunity away from our partners because we've decided
we're not. We're going to discredit them
ourselves and we're not going toshare them.
But emotions don't need permission slips from our brains
because they're going to be there anyway.
They just need a safe space to be seen.
So it's not about them being validated or about them being
true. It's just we need a safe space
(10:31):
to process them so that they don't get us in this gridlock.
Avoiding them doesn't make them go away.
It actually just makes them sneakier and it makes it more
difficult to identify how it's impacting our lives and it makes
it more explosive. So those are unbearable
feelings. Spend some time assessing what
yours might be. But then that's how we usually
(10:52):
react to them. This avoidance is pushing it
down, trying to run away from itbecause it's just, it feels too
unsafe. And how this plays out in
relationships is if we don't deal with these unbearable
feelings and we don't have terminology for it, we don't
have that curiosity. We've spoken about how we can
identify these differences aboutourselves and we can, we know
each other better, then we can function better as a couple.
(11:15):
If we don't have that because we're too scared and we're
avoiding it, then they're going to leak out into our reactions
sideways. Basically.
It could be bottling. So Liv talked about in our
episode last week that she bottles and she bottles and
bottles and things just build up.
So bottling can turn into resentment.
And we've talked about resentment and we've talked
about the implications of resentment.
Contempt being one of the four horsemen from the Guttman
(11:38):
Institute about relationships. And it's a huge issue for
relationships when contempt builds.
So bottling can turn into resentment, which can turn into
contempt. And that's a real trap.
So you can smile and hold it allin, act like everything's fine,
keep the peace, but the pressureis building inside until it all
just tips over and explodes. Another way it might be playing
(12:00):
out in our relationship is exploding.
And this can lead to shut down. So you finally let it all out.
Like big explosion out of the blue, for one thing, takes your
partner by surprise because they're like, whoa, what is
going on? But then you feel ashamed,
misunderstood, or emotionally exiled, whatever might be going
on for you. And so then you shut down.
And again, we've spoken about Four Horsemen stonewalling and
(12:23):
how impactful that is to relationships.
Exploding can lead you to then shutting down and stonewalling.
So can numbing. So numbing can cause
disconnection. You scroll, binge work or stay
busy, but underneath it you're feeling really lonely or
unknown. And so you are, if you're
numbing these things, you're just trying to push them away,
(12:43):
numb them, make them not feel anything.
Then you actually start to remove yourself from
relationship and and you isolateyourself mentally and
emotionally. And that is really unhealthy for
working through things because the things that sit in our brain
in the dark, they just sit thereby ourselves without being
expressed. They really fester.
But when we can communicate about those things, that's when
(13:05):
we can get some clarity and worktogether in bringing the
lightness to those things. So numbing actually just pushes
you further away from your partner, from the world, from
relationships, and from your partner.
And the last one in this list ofthings of how it might play out
in your relationship is over functioning.
And this ends in burnout. Again, we've spoken about
(13:28):
burnout. All of these things connect so
much to these other areas of relationship, but you carry the
load. You make everything work and
then one day your system's just like no, no more and burn out.
If you haven't listened to our episode yet, hop on over and
listen to that one. But it impacts your whole life.
It impacts your physical, mentaland emotional well being.
It impacts your relationships orit impacts your work and it just
(13:50):
leads to an implosion. Basically, even though you're
trying to. So you're you're over
functioning in the hopes that you're going to compensate for
these feelings that you haven't processed, but really you're
leading yourself to burnout, which is just gonna implode.
Yeah. And on that really quickly, you
know if you're resonating with that topic right there is
relational burnout and stuff. I'll, I'll really recommend for
(14:12):
you to go check out our episode on relationship burnout on
episode 43. That's going to be in the show
notes for you. Go check that out.
It's a very good one. In that episode, we unpack how
burnout shows up in your relationship emotionally,
practically, and even in the bedroom.
So go check that episode out. It's a really good one and a lot
of a lot of practical things in there.
(14:33):
Yeah. So these are some of the ways it
might be playing out in relationship and when one person
is bottling and the other person's over functioning
because we all have our things that we're doing and we all have
our different ways that this will present.
You can get a distancing or misunderstanding and often a
lack of intimacy and it just continues to build.
Like it's one thing to be like, Oh yeah, my partner bottles.
Both of you have these unbearable feelings and a way to
(14:57):
navigate them. So it's not just about one
partner is doing this, it's alsoabout the other partner does
this and then how those things impact each other.
And I was thinking, we've just ploughed through a lot about,
you know, what these unbearable feelings are.
But maybe we could have a discussion and try and figure
out what ours are. Yeah.
Share what our experience with them is.
Yeah. So have you just listening to
(15:17):
this so far? Has any feeling popped into your
mind that you think is maybe oneof yours?
Absolutely. I yeah, I think the one that
stood out to me the most was hyper responsibility.
If I let go, everything will collapse.
But again, it brings me back to that episode that you and I did
on what's driving you in, in that talked about how I need
certainty. And that's been really playing
(15:37):
out in a lot of things in my life now.
Like just that that episode was so good because I'm just like,
Oh man, I can see it in, in everywhere.
And I think I, I see it here too.
So if I let go, everything will collapse.
But it's, it's not even just a matter of that.
It's like if I let go, I don't know what will happen, you know,
And it's this fear of there's a fear in there for sure.
(15:58):
So in the questions that we've got to identify them, there's a
few, not all of them will apply.So the first one is what's one
thing I can't say out loud even to myself?
I don't know. I have a lot of fears that I
can't, that I don't like saying out loud because they're just
imposter. What do they call imposter
syndrome? Not imposter syndrome, intrusive
thoughts. They're just imposter syndrome.
(16:19):
I mean that too, but no different.
But yeah, intrusive thoughts that aren't healthy or helpful
and or real. And so I've tried to work on
ways to process them myself, butmyself.
But I don't think that there arethings that I need to
communicate with you. Every now and then there'll be
things I'm like I just need to name it can.
You give me an example of what that would be like.
What's the what's the thing? I can't say out loud, even to
(16:39):
myself. What's that?
So for me, it might be like, well, it could be if we look at
the list of things that it mightbe so fear of being too much
like it might, you might not even be able to say it to
yourself that you're too much. So whatever.
One of those examples. Yeah, yeah.
So these questions aren't too, they aren't narrow.
They're open and they're trying to prompt you to think what
(17:01):
things make me really uncomfortable, like it's
unbearable and I react badly. And if there's something that
you can't say out loud, even to yourself, that might be one of
those things. There might not be an like an
answer for that for you. But if that resonates, that
emotion, that feeling might be your unbearable feeling.
Yeah. What do I fear my partner
secretly believes about me? That's a good question.
(17:23):
What do I fear my partner secretly believes about me?
I don't fear much about that. I don't.
Fear much about that yeah. And I think that's quite telling
if this is you know, you and youyou are stuck on that like I
again it's it's really coming back to you like even doing this
exercise together in a Safeway because that's that's a scary
thing. You know, if it's a scary thing,
(17:43):
if I try and think through that,if I had a thought where where
I'm like, oh, is Amy thinking this about that would come with
so much insecurity in our relationship.
You know, I wouldn't, I don't know, I wouldn't be able to
function well in a relationship.I wouldn't be able to, you know,
have confidence. I wouldn't be able to have
security, I guess in that relationship if I didn't know
that. Because we've talked about how
you push these down. So it wouldn't necessarily be
(18:05):
something you're always thinkingabout, true.
But if you it's like if you stopand think, and I think if I stop
and think, I probably think about like, like I probably
question sometimes if you think I'm like a bit of a joke of an
adult. And we've talked about how this
implement implements impacts. Oh my gosh, language is not
here. Words some of my stuff, but I
(18:27):
don't think about that much. But that would probably be, if I
had to name one, that would be something that's like the Deep,
Like, yeah, if I was worried about it, it would be this.
Have I brought anything up? About you.
Yeah, about me. No, I don't think so.
I'm trying to think through now because that's The thing is like
you, like you said, it's to start stopping and reflecting
and thinking through that. And I'm sure there is something
(18:49):
there. But I think again, This is why
this exercise is so important togo through individually and then
together. Because it's not that I'm saying
that people wouldn't feel these things, but if you do, I could
see how much insecurity that could bring into your
relationship would then feed into so many other triggers and
fears. This is a really good one too.
(19:10):
Like if I stopped and slowed down, what feeling would catch
up to me? That's a really good one for
busy, busy people. Yeah, I just, I thought that I
would stress out like I would get, not that I'm busy busy, but
I, I struggle with burning and burning myself out in
professional sense and just a life sense, right?
I've really struggled to sit still and not do something.
And I'm not sure what that is like.
(19:30):
I'm not sure I I haven't reflected on that enough to
know. Like, am I running from
something or a feeling? I know there's an element of
where I feel like I always need.I need to always feel
productive. I wonder if that's like an
identity thing. Your family has a really high
work ethic, so potentially that's just something you've
(19:51):
picked up along the way. It's I, I see the damage in this
as well as when we don't stop toreflect, we don't work on the
things where you know. That run us.
Run us. Yeah, well, we're not, we're not
aware of the things that run us.You know, do I have this
expectation? Like I've seen this work ethic
in my family. So now do I have this
expectation of myself? And then I don't, you know, I if
(20:12):
I don't do that, if I don't achieve or excel or, you know,
work hard, am I, do I lose worthin myself?
Yeah, that's what I was wondering.
And potentially it could be downto, to that whole, I'm not
enough without it. Because if your ability to
achieve for some reason was changed, what would be left?
(20:32):
What would you be left feeling? I remember when I had my actual
big burnout from, from work and during COVID and in Melbourne,
which came with a lot of other things as well.
But after that was such a journey to be like, you know,
where do I fit, you know, because I went through a number
of jobs, you know, they just weren't, they were never, oh,
(20:54):
not never. But they were, they were
temporary jobs right until whereI landed now.
And they are looking back on them.
I'm like, yeah, they there's no way I would have stayed there
anyway. But but Ian, that was such a
lost feeling because I I'm like,where do I go?
What do I do? What can I do?
And there's a lot of identity that was lost in that time,
which was a good thing it. Was a good exercise.
(21:16):
It was a good exercise it. Was extremely hard season for
both of us. Yeah, I reckon that's telling
for maybe some of your unbearable feelings and.
For sure. Feeling like you don't have a
purpose or anything to add to add to the world or worth to add
to the world outside of achieving, achieving, achieving.
(21:37):
And if you slow down, then you're lazy.
Like I know you really struggle with feeling restless.
And we talked about this in the coaching episode.
When you feel restless, you get really antsy.
I'm really agitated, Yeah. And I'm frustrated with the
kids. More like I don't have that
patience Philtre in there. Yeah.
You also get really frustrated at people for laziness.
Yeah, so that could be telling as well.
(21:58):
A lot of the time what we get really frustrated at other
people for is what we're frustrated, what we feel yucky
about. So yeah, I reckon that's
probably all skirting that. And this is all something I'm
working on, by the way. Like we've identified this about
my attitude towards other people, and it's something I'm
just really trying to let go because why does that bother me?
Like, why do I need to wrestle with that?
(22:19):
It's got nothing to do with me and so why can't I just let it
go? Why is it so appalling to you?
Yeah, I think This is why. That's the thing inside of me,
of that fear of myself because of expectations I put on myself.
Do you know what I reckon that plays into that?
That feeling of my fear of what you think about me?
Because I know how you feel about other people.
Yeah. And I know how you feel about
(22:39):
yourself. Yeah.
And so when I when I read that something I've done or not done
is triggering that in you, they're like, maybe he thinks
I'm a joke of a human, which that is such an intense
statement. It's not actually the words that
popping to my head and not something I think about much,
but I wonder if it's all tied intogether.
And then that ties into my own like identity around being an
(23:02):
established independent, like adult that can do things are
capable. That's probably a good word.
So it's probably just like this little frustrating space.
Yeah, really interesting. So for me, if I stopped and
slowed down, what feelings wouldcatch up to me?
I when I was trying to process what mine might be one question
to ask is another question. So on here actually is what was
(23:22):
the last time that everything just felt too much.
And for me, the other day, I wasgiving my kid his supplements,
our oldest son, his supplements,because he's had to be on these
things for some health stuff this year.
And I was just like, we're almost at the end of the
supplements. They're really expensive.
And all of a sudden it caught upto me.
Like I can't maintain this for the rest of his life.
And I it's like such an over like exaggeration of the
(23:46):
situation, the reality of the situation, I should say.
But it was like, it's so complex, his health stuff.
It's not that complex. It's just my brain makes it
really complex. I feel like found some clarity
in a way forward with these supplements or almost at the end
of them. And they're really expensive and
we're tight on budget. And like all these things
started to spiral. And I realised that when I work
(24:06):
through things, I like hyper fixated on a, an answer to
something like I want to figure out why it's not working to the
point where if I can't spend, like, I get really distracted.
And I just really spent a lot oftime trying to figure out how to
make this thing work or figure out what's going on.
And so it's like a big knot. And I'll like, you know how when
you're pulling something apart that's all knotted, you find the
(24:28):
thing that moves a bit and you can kind of see the way.
And then every now and then you get to a point where I so
knotted that it just doesn't budget in any direction.
And you're like, and I feel likemy brain does this thing where
I'm like really calmly, like very invested in the process of
unknotting this thing. And every now and then, if I
lose focus on that, if I get distracted by something else or
(24:49):
I get overwhelmed, all of a sudden I'm like stuck in the
middle of this knot. And I don't know how to keep
going forward. But I also can't reverse it
because it took so much energy to get to where I am to like
reverse figure out what I was doing.
But then I just had this moment of like frustration.
And I get that way. Like sometimes this is such a
silly example, but like I'll fixa tech issue.
(25:10):
So I like figure out this, this work around to a problem or
something. And then, but to then replicate
that, it's so exhausting to me because I'm like, Oh my gosh,
the energy and the like puzzlingand whatever, I didn't record
the process. I just figured it out.
Then to have to go back and redothat is like so exhausting.
And so I do have this sense of like, I think for me, the
(25:31):
unbearable feeling is I feel like I hold everything together.
And this is definitely somethingfrom my childhood, like I am
responsible to hold everything together that if I let go, I
don't know what, I don't know what will happen.
And that's kind of like what I'mleft with is just like, I don't
know. I don't know, I don't know.
And you just pushed into that feeling.
My my answer to that is I would panic.
I would get into like a panic zone and I don't know if I could
(25:52):
function. This is a really, really good
one. Is what do I feel right before I
get reactive or shut down? I think this would be relevant
to both of us, probably to everybody.
Yeah. In those moments where you get
really, really overwhelmed, whatare you feeling in that process?
Physically feeling my head, I'm feeling in my head like right.
So if I'm getting overwhelmed, like it's just there's like it's
(26:12):
not necessarily an ache. It's like adrenaline, I guess,
rather than in my body, it's in my head and I just become numb
and just like what is going on? Like I just, I don't make sense
of things. So I feel it physically in my
head and then I notice that my brain just shuts down.
I'm like, I don't know, there's so much noise.
There's I've got so many questions coming up and I'm
(26:34):
talking about the. Kids.
Here like I've got so many questions coming at me right now
like what is going I just can't regulate the amount of noise or
or information coming in. I wonder if that comes down to
that the certainty again as well, like it's an out of
control situation. Yeah, you know, yeah.
It feels, it feels very out of control.
(26:54):
And I just, yeah, I don't know, I just don't cope with that.
Yeah. I wonder.
What the feeling is that leads you to that?
Because it'll be one kid saying something, then another kid
saying something, and then all of a sudden all the kids saying
something and your brain is not caught up with what's going on.
And that's when it's like. Yeah, because I'm fine if it's
one kid to a point, like when they when when they start like
(27:17):
having a meltdown or something, then I'm just like, what is
going on again? Like I just can't because I, I
think it's like I don't understand their emotion.
And it's like, well, I don't know how to respond to that
emotion because it what you're like, how you're reacting is so
big. And in an adult sense that does
not make sense, right. Like, you know, that doesn't,
that's not how you deal with those situations.
(27:39):
But the kids like, of course they're going to deal that.
But yeah, for some reason it's like I have this expectation
that they should be acting differently and I need to work
through that moment of like, well, OK, I can't have that.
That's not an affair. A fair expectation on them
though. So it's like, it is.
And then I'll go down to like even this shame thing, you know,
the shame elements of it of like, well, I don't like that I
(28:02):
have this expectation. I, I get frustrated that I have
this expectation on them. And then I get frustrated on
myself. And then that just fuels the
overwhelmness because I have this expectation on myself of
like, why don't I? You know, I know this isn't what
I want to do, but I am doing it and I just spiral.
Yeah. I wonder what expectation it is
(28:23):
you have on them. Like what is it you expect of
them that they're not and then of yourself that they're not
doing? Well, I, I think the, again, the
expectation is that they act like adults, but it's not a,
it's not a good expectation or arealistic expectation.
And then I realise that and I'm like, oh, frustrated, why didn't
I think that that's such a sillything to expect of kids.
(28:44):
Like I've got to walk with them and journey with them to learn
these things. And then I'm frustrated because
I'm not taking that time to do that.
So then I, yeah, have this expectation on myself that I'll
be a better dad and no, dad's perfect.
And so, yeah. And I think that goes on back
into the performance stuff. Like it all feeds in together of
(29:05):
like, you know, achieving and and working hard.
And, you know, I just maybe it'sthat I don't feel like I'm
enough party game. You know, in my response to the
kids, I'm frustrated at myself because I feel like I'm not
enough, or I have this fear thatI'm not enough, or I have this
fear that I'll be a dad that I don't want to be and all that
sort of stuff. Interesting.
All within the span of one second, that's how.
Quick, a lot of emotions in those things.
(29:26):
And that's The thing is if we don't take the time to reflect
and unpack, we, you know, it's, it's easy for me to look at
those situations, be like, oh, this is the reason and then move
on. They're like, just then I'm
like, well, no, it's this, the feeds into this, the feeds into
this, the feeds into this, the feeds into this.
And we're so much more complex than just this one thing.
(29:48):
And a lot of parents in this situation, including us at
times, would identify if they'd have this play out.
To be clear, this exact thing happens with me as well.
They'll have this play out and then they'll be like, it's
because you guys are being so like difficult.
Yes, it's triggered by an overwhelm from the kids, but
it's not because they're being difficult that this is how
(30:08):
you've reacted. Just like they're not regulating
their emotions, you're not regulating your emotions, but a
parent would often look at that and be like, you guys are being,
you guys are being difficult, stop being difficult and then
we're all going to be OK. They wouldn't go deeper and be
like, why does this trigger me? Why do I react this way?
And what's the deep down feelingthat I'm that is so unbearable
to me that I'm reacting this wayand then identifying that
(30:32):
because you identifying that hasbeen a super freeing thing.
And even today, like this conversation really helpful for
us in terms of understanding each other.
I'm not going to look, look at you and just be like, ah, he's
just being cranky again. Like I'm going to now have this
conversation in the back of our heads.
Doesn't mean it's fine, but it'snow layer of understanding.
And I think if you're in a relationship with somebody and
(30:52):
you see these regular reactions or regular patterns that you're
just like, I don't get it. I don't know why they're acting
this way. It just then, like we said, it
builds into resentment because if you don't have that
conversation and you don't have that understanding, of course
you're going to be like, my partner reacts like super
intensely to the kids just wanting to talk to him.
(31:12):
And that's just going to build into this big like resentment
thing I sometimes feel because of my childhood.
I will overextend in terms of taking responsibility for making
sure that they don't push you through that.
And then that's not healthy either.
And so it just becomes us back and forth, us understanding
these things about each other helps us to unpick that and get
(31:32):
more clarity in that, and then helps us work and support each
other in a way that's better so we can move forward and be more
constructive and, and even helpsour kids understand that about
us. So instead of them just seeing
mom and dad get cranky, they seemom and dad get cranky.
They apologised and they've explained that they just get so
overwhelmed. And that feeling really prompts
like a feeling of just not beingenough and that kind of thing.
(31:55):
Imagine understanding that. Yeah.
Trying in this area, but it's hard when you're still trying to
unpack it yourself. But we've been trying our our
best. So, you know, with, with me
being overwhelmed and I've reacted in a bad way, either to
you or to the kids. We try and take the kids on that
journey and like you just said, and just sort of walking them
(32:15):
through as never excusing our reaction, but it's just helping
them to understand it. So, but also helping them to see
what we're actually doing about it.
Because I think it's one thing, we see this a lot, even the
outside of relationships identify something, but then
that's it. It says with identifying and we
haven't actually put in the workor put things in place to
actually work through that. And that's another thing that
(32:37):
I'm trying to do too is like, well, all right, I've identified
this and that's good. That's really, really good is to
identify something. Now I'm going to work on it.
And that's also very, very good.But if I'm silently working on
stuff too, that's not helping them.
It's not helping you. Because for you, whenever I
react that way, you're still seeing me reacts that way.
You have no idea of the thing that I'm actually working on.
(33:00):
And you know, I see this sometimes in in some couples, I
would say like, you know, you'redoing this again.
It's like what I've been trying.It's like, yeah, but I didn't
know you were trying. And I haven't seen any different
that you haven't communicated anything outside of you
identifying it. And yeah, just the journey is
part of it, right? It's a huge part.
It's the biggest part of it is the journey of working through
(33:21):
stuff. And if we're not communicating
that journey, you're all you're going to see is the struggle.
That's the honour of being in a relationship with people is it's
not about the nice fuzzy feelings because those come and
go. Those should be part of the
equation. But the honour of being
someone's special person is to know them so deeply like nobody
(33:46):
else does and be like aware of their intricacies and how
they're working and work on thattogether and build towards a
stronger togetherness. That's why this podcast exists
like this. That's, that's the honour of
being someone's partner and whatwe get to do with somebody in
that space. And yes, it's hard work, but
it's like it's an honour. That's why we're in relationship
(34:07):
with each other. If we didn't really want to know
someone's deep internal problemsor didn't really want to see
that they're a real person with insecurities and hang ups and
unbearable feelings and all these other things we wouldn't
like, we shouldn't be in a relationship.
That's not relationship, that's just entertainment.
That's just like being used likea hobby basically.
But the relationship is about this.
(34:29):
And when you're a parent, it's even more important.
And Sam and Lib talked about this last week as well, the
importance of being students of each other and students of your
kids and how that impacts parenthood, impacts your
relationships. It's so important to be a
student of your partner so that you guys have a stronger
approach in the future When you're we've, we've just like,
(34:52):
you know, explored what it mightbe for us.
You guys do this in your own time and explore that as well.
And like I said, we'll have a, aresource you can do that with as
well. So you can see it written down.
You don't have to remember all of this, but once you start to
identify what is an unbearable feeling for you, what's going on
for you, then we can work on working on them, putting things
in place to help support you in this space as an individual and
(35:16):
as a couple. So ways you can do this is
starting small. Like we've said, you might not
have terminology before. You might not even understand
the depths to which these thingsgo or where they come from or
anything like that. So don't feel like you have to
have this beautifully well presented description of what's
happening and why and all this stuff before you bring it to
your partner. That's not what you need.
(35:36):
So you can start small and even clumsily, like just name it.
Just say, I'm feeling really heavy right now.
This is feeling really overwhelming and I don't know
what to do with it or why. And you're just naming it in the
clumsy, broken part, bringing your partner into that space,
helping get it out of just your head and your heart and out into
(35:57):
the world so that there's some freedom and clarity there.
And you're pushing past that awkward first step and just be
like, all right, we're just going to name it and then we're
done. And then we can start to get
some clarity around it. And.
I want to say too, if you need help in this process, like write
in, go to honeymoon.com, write in because we read all of these
emails by the way. And I genuinely mean that we do
read them. And so write in and we can be
(36:19):
that like sort of person that you process with.
Just get it out there. Doesn't matter how clumsy it is.
It's going to come from no judgement from our side and it's
just for you to get it out of your head and then you can start
there if you need to and then goto your partner afterwards.
Yeah, absolutely, totally agree.And if you're wrestling with
that, other people are too. So yeah, definitely we're here
(36:40):
to help you process that too. If that's helpful, you can share
it without expecting a fix. That's also probably really
important. And the flip side of this is
also important, which we'll get to, so you can say, I don't need
a solution. I just need to let you know that
this is really overwhelmingly, or I just want to say out loud
that I'm really struggling with insecurity in this space or
(37:00):
something like that. So that you're, again, you're
just getting it out, you're being clumsy and getting it out
to break the ice basically. You can even use a preview if
you're like, I don't have the emotional capacity to have this
conversation right now. You can say, hey, I've got
something I'm working through something that feels pretty
heavy. Can we find a time to chat about
(37:21):
this when it's not chaotic? So you've given your partner
enough information. Try try to do it maybe in a way
that doesn't make them feel likewhat's coming, but like enough
information to say, I need to talk about this, but I can't
right now. Can we find a time?
So they've got in their mind, we're going to have this
conversation. Let's set aside a time and you
can both come to it in you're ready to have the conversation
(37:41):
and then you can dive into it a little bit more.
So that will create an emotionalsafety for you.
That'll help bring some clarity and some light into this part of
you that might feel pretty dark and heavy and isolated
otherwise. And it helps avoid triggering
defensiveness or shutting down, because that can also happen
depending on what you're navigating.
Also, remind yourself that feelings are information.
(38:02):
They're not emergencies. You don't have to fix it right
now. They're information that help
you identify something going on for yourself.
And that's a really helpful, neutralising way to look at it.
They're pieces of information that will help you identify.
They're not an emergency that you need to fix everything right
now or feel like it's all in crisis.
(38:24):
They're normal and they are justpieces of information.
Ignoring it though, acting like it's not there is going to just
make it louder and louder and louder and louder and feel more
and more like an emergency. So just just identify that for
yourself. It's just information.
It's not an emergency, it's not crisis.
But also I am going to address it because it's just going to
get louder and harder to see that if I keep pushing it away.
(38:47):
So then if you're on the receiving, the receiving end as
a partner to a partner, that's identifying these things you
don't need to fix and that's probably really important.
You don't need to dive into, OK,let's make this work.
And I really struggle with this,but you can just be there and
witness and be like honoured with them sharing and just be a
listening ear. So you can try saying things
(39:08):
like, thank you for telling me about that or that makes a lot
of sense, or I'm here for you opening a space where they feel
safe and they don't feel dismissed or belittled or like
they're silly or anything like that.
But there's a conversation that can be had and they're someone
that you can come back to with this later.
Even if you don't fully understand it, even if it
doesn't really make sense, just hold on to that.
(39:30):
They've shared something deep with you.
And it might not be clear right now, but that's an honour.
And being that safe space for them will mean that they can
come back like as you go, as youprogress and share more about
this and workshop more about this with you.
So you guys can work on a way that's going to be constructive
and resourceful. And then once you've started to
work on these unbearable feelings and you've identified
(39:50):
them for each other, like we've said, you can go through the
situations that would flare it up or or make you react or
whatever with so much more clarity.
You can pull things in place to make sure that you've got a
process that works well for you and helps you address these
things. So if you haven't listened to
last week's episode, please listen to it because Sam and Liv
(40:11):
talk about this exact thing. They shared how Liv has had to
because she needs to have this conversation but Sam was too
scared. To talk about stuff because he
didn't feel clear on it. He just needed to kind of
clumsily get it out. She's made a little rule for
herself that she's not going to get offended by what he says.
She's just going to let him talkuntil he can clarify it and get
(40:31):
it all out and share it. And so he might initially come
out with things that don't soundhelpful or nice, but that he's
just trying to get it out of hishead because that's how he
functions. He just, he doesn't have any
clarity. He just needs to get it out.
And so they've found, obviously looking at their unbearable
feelings, they have found a way that works for them.
And that's what you can get whenyou have these conversations and
(40:53):
you start to identify them. You can find little processes
that will work for you to make things easier.
So the overwhelm with the children like we have, we've
over the years, we've found waysthat help us with that.
We've found things we can support each other in, like
giving each other a few minutes or stepping in and helping when
we can see that someone's getting overwhelmed with that
sort of thing. There's ways that you can work
(41:14):
as a couple with this clarity tothen help and support each other
in that. Without the clarity, you're
functioning off the wrong information or a lack of
information and you're functioning off the fence.
You're functioning off surface level readings, assumptions
about what the other person is thinking and feeling, and you
are not going to be getting anywhere very quickly.
(41:35):
In fact, you might be getting the direction you don't want to
go very quickly. So those are unbearable
feelings. These will play out differently
for everybody, but have a look at the free resource, work
through that together, try and get a grasp of what's going on
for yourself as an individual because it's super helpful.
And then as a couple so that youguys can be closer and work
closer together and find ways and rhythms that work well for
(41:58):
you. So we're going to quickly do a
reality check corner to really solidify the stuff we've worked
on today. This prompt I want you to think
about as we finish up this episode.
Where are you holding an unbearable feeling in silence?
So what's the thing you keep pushing down?
The fear, the grief, or the shame or the pressure that feels
too big to name? And what has that silence cost
(42:18):
you emotionally, physically, relationally?
So what is something that you'vebeen hiding or holding or
pushing away that feels too big,but what is that pushing away of
it actually cost you? And then a challenge that you
can implement today is ask your partner, is there anything
you've been too scared to say because you didn't know how I
would take it? Is there anything you're holding
(42:40):
that you didn't, you feel too scared to share with me because
you weren't sure how it would come across And just let them
talk. You're not asking them to unload
everything and to be really rudeto you or anything like that.
You're opening a door for them to be honest about stuff that
they're navigating and holding. And if they do share, just meet
it with gentleness and curiosity.
Meet it with a safe space and not needing to fix it.
(43:03):
It's just thanks for telling me that.
And then this is a future pace just to borrow from the
projection of what it could looklike to work on these areas in
your life. So we're going to borrow that
motivation from this visualisation of what it could
look like to have a bit more freedom in this space.
Imagine the emotional energy you'd get back, the safety, the
connection, the way you'd show up knowing your inner world
(43:25):
didn't have to be hidden. That kind of relationship isn't
unrealistic, it's just somethingthat takes practise and one
moment of honesty at a time. And that moment can be today.
Alrighty, that's unbearable feelings.
Who's? A good mum, I like that and I
like that we dive into those things because again, it's so
important for us to do individually and then bring it
back into a conversation with each other.
(43:45):
Yeah, and it's a harder one because it's not the five love
languages, the four horsemen, which are really clearly
defined. It's more vague and more
individual, but it's a conversation and an exploration
together, something that could be invaluable to explore.
Oh yeah, definitely worth looking into.
Awesome. Thanks guys.
Catch you next week. Good chat.
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