July 13, 2025 • 42 mins
Ever find yourself saying, "That's not what I meant!" after a conversation spirals out of control? Or maybe your partner’s words always seem to come out wrong, sparking frustration instead of connection.
In this practical episode of Honey, We Need to Chat, we're tackling how to overcome clumsy communication, decode mixed messages, and finally say what you mean, clearly and constructively.
From navigating nervous system reactions and emotional overwhelm to mastering practical conversation starters, you’ll gain the tools you need to break unhealthy communication patterns and rebuild clarity and intimacy.
Perfect for anyone exhausted by misunderstanding, miscommunication, or constant relationship tension.
✨ In this episode, learn how to:
Understand why your nervous system sabotages clear communication
- Practise simple scripts to clarify your intentions and soften tough conversations
- Move past defensiveness and assumptions for better understanding
➡️ Book a Free Clarity Session with Amy!
🎧 Listen wherever you get your podcasts.
📺 Watch on YouTube
📥 Get free tools + coaching support: honeyweneedtochat.com
communication tips, why can't I communicate clearly, relationship miscommunication, misunderstood partner, nervous system communication, relationship arguments, conversation scripts, clear communication tips, fixing communication issues, couple communication tips, marriage conflict resolution, avoid misunderstandings, emotional regulation tips, Honey We Need to Chat, podcast for couples, healthy relationship advice, effective dialogue skills, communication coaching
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:13):
If you've ever said that's not what I meant, then this episode
is for you. Learning to express ourselves
isn't just about trying to be polite, and it's really not just
trying to get our point across. Our goal needs to be to
strengthen our relationship and strengthen our communication.
Our goal needs to be to express ourselves, actually bring the
best out in the person, and really trying to articulate what
(00:33):
we mean. Yeah.
So this is the companion episode, the flip side episode
of our last episode, Clumsy Conversations.
Today we're going to be talking about if you're somebody who
struggles to communicate clearlyor who finds yourself in this
pattern of saying things in a clumsy way or saying things in a
way you don't really intend. We're gonna get practical and
(00:54):
work on how we can start to strengthen this muscle and bring
about the meaning that we're actually trying to share when
we're communicating with our partner.
So this is about if you are thatclumsy conversation.
Right so if you're new here welcome to Honey We need to chat
the podcast all about communication in a relationship.
I'm glad as my wife Amy, we've been married for over 10 years
(01:14):
now. We have 4 kids and a golden
retriever that loves a gate crash but loves a cuddle.
So we enjoy her sometimes. Yeah, it's actually been really
sweet this morning, or not this morning for last week.
Now our kids have learned to make coffees and they love to
make us coffees first thing in the morning, even sometimes wake
us up to see if we're ready for a coffee.
(01:35):
Now that's an experience. It's nice and not at the same
time. It'd be different if they were
holding the coffee as they came in.
I think that would like soften the blow, but because they're
not. Yeah, this is like, you don't
have the coffee, Why are you? Funny 'cause you actually sent
our oldest to ask me that this is.
I had to get ready. It was a timing.
Daddy told me to ask this. Yeah, so get you up.
(01:57):
Amy's been sleeping in without atoddler recently.
We've just been having some sleep, sleep issues.
So we're we're going to try and work through sleep training this
weekend actually, because it's becoming a real issue.
It is, yeah. Difficult times, but fun times.
But yes, the coffee making has been amazing.
We were all chilling. It was a lazy afternoon
(02:17):
yesterday, chilling in our room,watching a movie, kind of
napping, whatever. And our oldest turns to Blair
and is like, would you like a flat white?
Yeah. It was such a weird experience.
I was like, yes. Yes, I would.
Yeah, I really would. Thank you.
So train your kids to make coffees, guys.
Yeah, if you are a regular on this episode and you want to
help us out, please just do the basics guys to take two minutes
(02:38):
right now, like share, subscribe.
We see you guys there. We would just love your support.
If you could get on to that likebutton.
That's all you do. That would be absolutely
amazing. But please, like, share,
subscribe, comment even if you're feeling fancy.
Yeah. And it'll help us out in a big
way. Yes, it does sometimes feel like
we're talking to ourselves, eventhough we see you there, so we
want to hear from you as well. We would love that.
(03:00):
So many of us are not unfamiliarwith saying things in a way we
didn't intend. A lot of us kind of find
ourselves after the fact in a conversation or in an argument
or in a situation where we're like, oh, I really, really did
not mean for it to come out thatway.
And that's not my intention. But then it becomes another
layer on its own. And we have this conversation
(03:21):
all the time. So this conversation is very
relevant to us as well, saying things in a way we don't mean.
And then that is that adds a whole other story to it.
So we're not unfamiliar with this.
This is a common thing. But the good news is that you
can actually strengthen the way you communicate.
You can strengthen your muscle of communication and working on
how things come out of your mouth and the situation that
(03:44):
kind of unfolds when you're having these conversations.
So that's what we want to talk about today.
We want to get really, really practical with that.
And we've got some really practical tips to help you
strengthen those skills at the end of the episode.
So stick around for that becausewe will get real.
We will get real about them. But there's a number of reasons,
and it's a similar conversation to last episode.
(04:04):
There's a number of reasons why somebody may find it hard to
communicate well when they're trying to express something
about how they're feeling or trying to respond to something.
And a lot of that comes down to how we were taught to
communicate. So a lot of us were taught to
communicate in a way that was avoidant or a way that was, you
(04:24):
know, passive aggressive. These kinds of things that
didn't tell us how to gently approach the things that we're
feeling serious about, and instead kind of built these
patterns of exploding sarcasm, passive aggressivity, and little
jabs as kind of an avoidant way of communicating instead of
getting OK with being uncomfortable and saying what we
(04:46):
need. So a lot of us grew up in
patterns that are unhelpful for this.
That's one reason why you might find yourself regularly saying
things in a way you didn't mean for it to come out.
Another is when we're trying to be honest, it's a really
vulnerable experience. And so it depending again on how
you've been raised and dependingon the vibe of your
relationship, when you're tryingto express something about how
(05:07):
you're feeling or you're trying to raise something that you
understand might make the other person feel really vulnerable.
It is an uncomfortable thing. And so the easy option is to not
get real serious about it and say it very clearly.
The easy option feels at the time to say in a way that's a
roundabout and that often is notthe best way because it then
(05:28):
causes more complications like we've spoken about sometimes.
And this is a really big thing for I think most people when you
go to communicate these things because of how complicated it is
and layered it is. Our nervous system actually sets
us up for failure because we're,even though we might have the
intention to say things clearly and calmly and gently and be
quite to the point, when our nervous system senses danger, it
(05:51):
actually shuts down a lot of ourability to think clearly and to
think big picture. And it moves into kind of like a
survival mode. And so we end up in a space
where our tone is different or our words come out different.
And that actually speaks louder a lot of the time to our
partners than what we're actually saying, what we're
trying to say. And so even just our physical
(06:11):
body can actually make it difficult for us to say things
in the way that we would intend for them to come out.
And part of that also means thenthat a lot of the time when
you're in that space, your braincan go blank in terms of the
words you want to say. You're branking, go blank in
terms of what you're trying to raise or the examples of what
you're trying to raise. And it can end up coming out in
a much more clunky way. And you don't have the right
(06:33):
words and, and sometimes literally the word will be out
of your head and you'll just be like, I don't know what I'm
trying to say. So I'll find something that's
nearby. And it's not even exactly what
you're trying to say. So this whole physical nervous
system experience doesn't just affect your tone and how you
come across. It actually affects your ability
to think clearly about the wordsthat are coming out of your
mouth before they come out of your mouth too.
(06:55):
And if you mix that with growingup in a home where emotions
weren't expressed clearly or youdon't have that emotional
vocabulary to name how you're feeling and, and to understand
the layers that go into that, then that kind of mix can be
even more a recipe for disaster because you're mixing that with
a nervous system that's in panicand it all just comes out.
You might also be somebody who bottles up instead of expressing
(07:18):
things along the way. This is something that I
struggle with a lot and a lot ofpeople do.
You don't express the things as they come up because it's
complicated and layered. And so then you end up bottling.
And then when it does come out, instead of it just being a
comment about that instant or a response or a conversation
you're bringing up in that moment, it has all these layers
(07:39):
to it. All this stuff that you've
bottled up and all this pressurebehind it and it just explodes.
All of these things mixed into anice little soup of
complication. And there were other part that I
think is really important and I think also plays into a lot of
these conversations. And definitely for us is that
when we come to raise something and we had conversation like
this yesterday, we assume context.
So we've had this conversation in our head, or we've had these
(08:02):
little moments where we're picking up our evidence or we're
picking up our thoughts and thatsort of thing.
And we have this whole story playing out internally for us.
And then we come into the conversation and a lot of us
struggle to recognise that we'reactually assuming in that
process what our partner understands.
And so we'll come out with things with a whole story.
(08:23):
This is what I was doing yesterday when we're having this
conversation, this whole story and these feelings and emotions
and all this stuff going on, assuming that Blair understands
what I've been thinking about, even though it hasn't been
communicated or Blair understands how I've been
feeling about these things, or it's as clear to him, the
context has been going on for me.
And that just isn't the case most of the time.
(08:44):
And so we come into the conversation already not on the
right foot because we've assumeda lot of stuff, a lot of context
that we're then projecting. And the other partner, we have
no idea really what's going on for them and what they've picked
up or what they haven't. And so that just continues to
make that gap further and further apart.
Yeah, this is another one of those episodes.
I feel like so many of these episodes are very just not
(09:08):
targeted on me because it's not what's happening here.
It's like, Blair, this is you. But no, it's these are genuinely
things that I've really wrestledwith forever and especially
since being in a relationship because when you're working on
yourself in a relationship it had, it holds so much more.
It's just a different level and there's a lot more weight in it.
But communication has been a huge, huge wrestle.
(09:29):
And even to today, it's such a, a hard thing.
And I think there's a a number of different levels.
One is, yeah, the upbringing, the way that we communicate as a
family, but also my own processing abilities and what I
need to try and get through a thought is really hard.
So there's a number of theories,like I haven't been tested, but
one is, you know, you and I bothhave been looking at into this
(09:52):
quite a lot, but I potentially have ADHD.
And so with that, like my just, I, I wrestle with a lot of the
thoughts that I have and processing them.
And I can't just process it and then clearly communicate it.
I need to communicate it and process it at the same time.
And that's really hard sometimes.
So like I've been, you know, recently, like we had a
(10:14):
conversation about what I've been trying to do, because I
know that when we were together,I was just very blunt.
I was just like, this is it, this is what it is.
I'm just processing putting it out there and and I would have
little understanding of how those that communication was
affecting you. But for me, I'm like, I'm just
going to get it out of my head. But and it was more focused on
the way that I was communicatingthan the way you were receiving
(10:36):
over time. It's been a real wrestle of all
right, cool. Well, I can pro I, I know how I
typically and naturally process that has been harmful.
So now I've got to take a breath.
I've got to just take time. I don't respond in the moment.
I, you know, I pick that and I try and like pace it out over
time to try and do the processing as much as I can
(10:59):
internally. And then I might get to a point
where I talk to you and I might say, look, I'm still processing
this. I don't have it.
I just need to get this out of my head so I can I can move
forward with it. I'm like, I'll be clear, like,
you know, it might be blunt, butit's not trying to.
I'm genuinely trying to just getthis thought out of my head and
I can't do it internally. So really taking you on that
(11:21):
journey has been something I've really tried to focus on rather
than just saying it. The other thing too, and This is
why, again, it's still an area of struggle for me, right?
It genuinely is like recently I knew you were struggling with
something and rather me come just coming straight out and
saying it, even working with youon on this sort of stuff.
(11:42):
Over time, I I've got these different touch points.
So I'll be like, all right, you know how you feeling?
And then you might, you might share that or you might be like,
I don't know, I'm like, all right, well, what are you
thinking? But I don't do all this.
The ones I'll paste it out. I'm like, all right, but what
are you thinking? And then you might actually be
like, well, I'm actually thinking something.
I don't know what to feel yet orvice versa.
(12:02):
And and then from those like getting that gauge, then I'll,
you know, talk to you about something.
Yeah, it's it's but it's still that wrestler.
It's not that perfect science. The big part is being is being
going on that journey with you, though.
Like if for me to just do that on my own, I find I've found
extremely hard because like I can't gauge the way that you
(12:25):
receive something if I'm not working on it with you.
That makes sense. Like I might be trying to you.
You gave good feedback yesterday.
You're like, well, I don't know that's what you're doing, right?
Like you, you didn't know that was my approach.
You didn't know that's what I was trying to do.
You didn't know of my intentions.
All you saw was this awkward random questions coming out
(12:45):
there or these suggestions or whatever else with no context.
So for you was it it wasn't being received in the way that I
was meaning it? Yeah.
I'm trying to do it internally. I'll try and do it on my own.
Well, that's the assumption partthat I was talking about, where
you assume that people have the same context that you do.
So we were talking about how youwere drinking.
(13:05):
It's your coffee. I don't want your coffee.
I want my coffee. We're talking about how I've
been struggling and you've been trying to make it so that I
don't have to worry about so much stuff around the house.
And so you've been doing all of this stuff around the house with
the kids on holidays, trying to keep it nice and calm.
And then the other day you were like, if you can just clean the
benches, I'll do all the other stuff.
(13:27):
And for me, because I didn't know that's what you're doing,
all I saw was I'm struggling. And then Blair is like super
cleaning and getting the kids toclean.
And then he's asked me to clean if you can just do the benches.
So to me, and this is my assumption, part of it was like,
OK, he's frustrated because I'm not pulling my weight and he
he's asked me to do the benches.It wasn't like you only need to
(13:48):
do the benches. Like from his perspective, he's
like, that's all, all I will askfor help for and I'll do
everything else. From my perspective, it was like
he's been busy, busy, busy. And then he's come and asked me
if I can do the benches. So he's frustrated because I'm
not doing this stuff. And this is just such a classic
stories, the stories you bring to things or the context you
bring. And I was projecting my
(14:08):
assumptions of what he was feeling, but he was having this
whole process and just not sharing what it was.
And so he was assuming that I understood that context.
And so that's how easy it is to miss each other.
And then you Add all the other layers into it, like how you're
feeling and your experiences andblah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And it was interesting. Yeah.
It was interesting to see how that had played out, the
(14:29):
different stories that we project on or the different
ways. And that wasn't a badly
communicated thing, just to be clear.
Like this. This wasn't even a clumsy
conversation, it's just it just shows how easy it is to come
across in a way that you don't mean to, or how easy it is to
read things in a way that's not intended.
I I think it was like less of a clumsy conversation and clumsy
(14:50):
approach to the conversation, ifthat makes sense, because it was
clumsy in the end, like because in my head, you know, because
again, all those assumptions, I came to you, you were working
and I'm like, all right, Well, Icould be very gentle about this
because I know how it could comeacross.
And so I didn't give you context.
And that was the clumsy part is I didn't give you context to my
(15:11):
question. I just focused on my approach to
the question. And that was where like in
hindsight, So I'm like, that makes sense.
How you, Yeah, they like, felt that.
But I was just like, Amy, like, you know, there's no rush.
It's to take your time. I just, I will, you know, kids
and I are going to do all the other cleaning.
I just want you to, if you can just focus on the bench because
I just I wasn't getting to everything.
(15:32):
And I know like from a time likefrom previously, we've spoken
about, you've talked about how clutter and mess like stresses
you out and I'm like, sweet, well, we will take.
I know you've been you've been stressed recently.
I'm like, Oh, we'll take care ofthat.
And my intentions were so, you know, her trying to be nice.
But again, like when I'm doing that without giving you context,
I can see how it looks afterwards.
(15:54):
And yeah, that was the clumsy part, is the approach to it, not
necessarily the conversation, because then we had the
conversation and then we're like.
Yeah. And then the flip side of that
is you're trying so hard and it's not your natural.
You haven't felt natural in thisspace, so you're trying extra
hard to make sure you're communicating well.
And then I'm reacting negatively, yeah, with my own
(16:15):
stories going on. And so then that's like.
And that's the important part. Like we've talked about, you
know, in the intro there, like it's, it's about what's the goal
in mind? Because we were getting a little
bit frustrated there when we hadthis conversation because we
weren't understanding what the disconnect was.
Like I was focusing on, I'm doing these things and then
Amy's like, you didn't tell me you were doing those things.
(16:36):
And so there's little frustration in there for a
little bit. And what's so important here is
like, again, I can focus on, in this argument right now, I could
focus on my perspective and, andactually, no, I'm doing these
things. Why can't you just appreciate
I'm doing these things and I, I wouldn't have the impact that
I'd want it to have, right? It'd be more about me being
(16:56):
right than being about our relationship growing in this
situation and vice versa. You could have focused more on
you being right from your perspective than understanding
what was my intention there like.
And, and that's where the strength really comes into with
these communication tools and tricks and tips and stuff like
that, really, really trying to get to that understanding that
(17:17):
attitude of curiosity towards the situation rather than
assuming the other person's justintentionally doing wrong by
you. Yeah.
And that's really the heart of it is if we, if our intention as
a couple is to become stronger and is to like we've talked
about this five years down the track, 10 years down the track,
where do we want to be? And if that's to be closer and
(17:39):
stronger, then these things are important to focus on.
And that should be a philtre to how we have those conversations
or how we approach these comments that we make.
We want the other person to succeed.
It's not just about we want to succeed or we want to feel
heard, which is important. Like it's important to feel
heard and important to be able to express how you're feeling.
(18:00):
But it's not if that is your only goal is to make sure they
know how you're feeling versus make sure they know how you're
feeling. But make sure you're bringing
like you're bringing a focus to help them succeed and help you
guys succeed together, then you're going to miss the mark.
It's not going to be easy to work on these things.
It's not going to be easy to strengthen this muscle.
(18:21):
And if you do want that, if thatis your goal, then it will be
that can be your focus. And that as a good philtre and a
good kind of compass about how you're going with these things
and where you might need to put a little bit more intentionality
around strengthening. So Blair also has like he's,
he's very like straightforward and he's worked really, really
(18:41):
hard on that and you've gotten really good at that.
Like I think like when we were together, you were, we were
doing the internship together when?
We first got together. Sorry when you said that earlier
as well. Yeah, and I thought the exact
same thing. But when we first got together,
sorry you we were doing the internship and you wasn't just
in our communication. It was like leading other people
or that sort of thing. You struggled to not just say
(19:02):
what you wanted to say. And, and your approach tended to
be either you say what you want to say or you avoid it all
together and you just go fix thething yourself.
It wasn't much of like a fostering that conversation back
and forth. But then since then, like I
don't think people these days that you work with would have
the same experience at all with you.
I think that's sometimes, but not to the same extent.
(19:24):
Like it is something you have strengthened A tonne.
And so that's a really good example of you can build these
skills, absolutely. And not just like that, but like
use of language. You've also built that hugely.
Yeah, over the time we've known each other.
And that's through a lot of different things.
Your vocabulary and your use of language is so much more
strengthened now just through repetition and practise than it
(19:46):
was. Intentionality and that's The
thing is like, you know, I feel like a lot of times we look at
these things and like look at these areas in our lives, we're
like, I wish, I wish I didn't struggle with that or whatever,
but like unless we actually are intentional with those.
Things and, and the beauty of itis I get to work on that with
you. Like it's not just on me.
And that's the beauty of workingthrough these things as a
(20:07):
couple. It's, you know, you definitely
can work on them. You're not stuck in those
things. So you and that's where we want
to bring that hope into relationships as well.
You know, there's such a cancel culture even in relationships
these days of like, well, they're not serving me now.
So this isn't a good relationship with me.
It's like actually that's not true, you know, like that you
can work on things and you just need that intentionality and
sometimes a lot of hurt and and pain that's in such
(20:29):
circumstances, but that's where there's professional help to
actually help you through that. But a lot of times it's just
just the commitment together, the attitude of curiosity
digging deeper, and the attitudeof intentionality.
And grace. Yeah, and that commitment to
grow with each other. And nobody, no relationship that
you observe that you think, oh, that's so strong.
(20:50):
Look how well they work together.
None of those people got there magically.
Like none of them just fell intothis easy pattern without any
work like those. Those are the kind of
relationships that they've put in the work.
And I struggle when I say when Ifeel like I'm constantly being
like it's hard work, It's hard work because that makes it sound
depressing and maybe not worth it, but it's so worth it.
(21:11):
And it is hard work in terms of like it's intentional work, but
it's the same with anything likeit's the same.
We've spoken about this all the time.
Like we invest in our professional world, like we
invest in training there, we invest in practising there and.
A lot of the times they're hard work, but the the results from
the hard work that you've put into that, it's exactly the same
in your relationship. You know the hard work you put
(21:32):
into it, you're going to see to those results.
You can see that strength in in the way that you guys
communicate, the way that you guys operate together, the way
the way you raise a family together, in the impact other
people's lives around you together.
All those things are through thehard work that we put into.
It yeah, the the worth it hard work that first it's funny that
just kind of for some reason this area of life feels like it
(21:53):
should just be automatic when everything else is not.
So anyway, that's, that's kind of, that's the context to this.
This is very relevant for us. It's very relevant for other
people and it can play out in different ways.
And there can be so many reasonswhy you might struggle to say
things clearly. You're not alone in that.
It's normal. You can work on it.
And now we're going to talk about some of the ways that you
(22:14):
can work on that, the ways that you can start to see implemented
change in this space to bring about more constructive
conversations. So we're going to get into some
practical tips in a second, but I just wanted to take a moment
and pause and talk more about how, you know, we we invest in
our careers, we've invest in ourtraining.
And we also spoke about the importance of investing in your
(22:35):
own self and your own relationship or in your own self
for your relationship even. And So what we do, we want to be
more than just some noise. We want, we want to be more than
just sounds and more voices speaking into the Internet.
We actually want to be providingresources to actually help you
work through those things and like you would invest, it's in
your work. We want you to invest into your
relationship. So go onto our website,
(22:56):
honeymoon to chat.com, and there's a bunch of free
resources on there for you to download and work through
together as a couple. They actually pair up with these
episodes themselves. Another thing that we do as
well, or what Amy does, Amy doescoaching for women.
So if you want to actually work through these things, if you're
feeling stuck on some of these things, reach out as well.
And Amy would love to connect with you and, and go on this
(23:18):
journey with you. You're not alone, and we want to
support you in any way that we can.
Yeah, great. Let's give us the tips.
All righty. So these are ways you can start
to build that muscle of saying things more clearly.
Let's just call it that one is. And this is really important for
learning how to communicate across the board, not just in
your relationship, is being OK with that clumsy like practise
(23:41):
that clumsy draught of what you're trying to say.
And so if you've got a, you've got something you need to say to
your partner and you have a pattern of it not coming out the
way you want, just say it like as in practise it to yourself,
Write it out to yourself and start to get through that clumsy
draught, because sometimes that's where we get blocked is
just not even getting it out in the first place.
(24:03):
Practise it out loud to yourselfor on paper and see what it
looks like. And then workshop that until you
feel better about what you're saying.
And the more you practise it, the smoother it will come out.
And we do this on the time on the podcast.
If you saw our bloopers, you'd see how many times we repeat
things before we say them sometimes because it does take,
it doesn't come out naturally. What?
(24:25):
That's ironic because it does take practise sometimes, and
especially if this is something that you've struggled with in
the past. So you could say or write what
you really want to say and then ask yourself, how would this
land or how can I adjust this and make it a little bit more
gentle or a little bit more me focused?
And then another part of that isactually practising saying that
(24:45):
out loud to yourself in the mirror or saying it out loud on
a voice memo or something like that.
And if it's a really serious conversation, saying it to
someone, like workshopping it with someone that you trust and
that's a wise input into your life is good too.
But saying these things out loudtoo, because it's one thing to
see it written down, it's a whole other thing to actually
verbalise it and have it come out naturally, as naturally as
possible. So just practise.
(25:07):
I know that sounds simple, but it's something that we don't do
very often and it's something that can really change how
you're communicating about thesethings, at least by bringing you
some more clarity before it comes out of your mouth.
Another thing is if you've got this pattern where you're saying
things in a way you don't intend, call it for what it is.
Be honest with that and find some sentence starters that work
(25:28):
well for you to sort of break the ice and set the intention of
what you're trying to say beforeyou come out with a clumsy
sentence and helps your partner understand where you're coming
from instead of them just havingthis cold, you know, clumsy
sentence sent to them. So you can say something like
this might come out clumsily or awkwardly, but it's really
important. I want to say it, I want to get
(25:50):
it out. Or you can say, can I try to say
something and you let me know how you receive it.
So then you could then say the clumsy thing and they can
respond and you can say literally repeat to them, what
did you take from that? Like what do you take from this?
How does this make you feel? That sort of thing.
And don't just come out and say that because again, if you're
not on the same page as each other on this approach as well,
(26:11):
the other person could still be offended by it.
So use this as an example. You just podcast and as an
example, say, and don't do it ina heat of a moment as well,
right? If you're trying to get a point
across, don't use it as a tool. What I want to encourage you is
like, outside of that moment, use it as a tool to work on it
together. You could listen to this episode
together or just if you've got aspecific point that I'm just
(26:34):
bringing up, it's sort of out toyou.
Bring that. Like, hey, I genuinely struggle
with communication and just, youknow, you know, I'm being blunt
and you know, I struggle with this.
I'm really trying to work on it.How about we try this next time
or something like prime each other first, like prep each
other, commit to that together. That's going to help that flow
so much better. So then next time it comes up,
(26:55):
you're going to be like, hey, remember how you know, I
mentioned this thing about how I'm going to, I'm just going to
share. I just want you to know how it
makes you feel so I can work on it.
And you're prepping each other beforehand.
You're not just doing it in the moment.
Yeah, yeah. And you can also say you can,
you can come out and say I have an important conversation that I
need to have. Do you mind if we take a few
moments, like after the kids go to bed or something?
(27:17):
So you're setting the intention for what's coming up.
And then you could start it by saying, this might feel clumsy,
but I'm just going to try and get it out because I, it's
important and I want to communicate it.
So be gracious with me. And then also something like, I
don't know how to say this gently.
I don't know how to say this in the best way.
So this is what I'm saying. And that doesn't excuse you to
then be like, you're really annoying or something that's
(27:39):
like quite inflammatory. Doesn't excuse what you're now
about to say. But it does add a little gentle
buffer in terms of setting your partner up, understanding where
you're coming from and what you're struggling with in terms
of working on it. And allowing a little extra
grace hopefully in the process so you can get to the heart of
what you're trying to communicate about.
(28:00):
As long as your intention is then the same thing, to be kind
and gentle in what you're expressing as much as you
possibly can. So leading with intent is really
important as well. So that's just saying I'm trying
to express something that's important to me, but I don't
know how to word it. Leading with your intention and
showing a bit of vulnerability there can really help break that
(28:22):
ice and help set your partner upwith the right headspace for
these conversations. Another thing you can do, and
this is I think another show of vulnerability in a relationship
is this. It's one thing how you have the
conversation and then it's another thing how you follow up
that conversation. And we've talked about that a
lot too. Like a lot of the time the
biggest change comes from the follow up conversation, not the
(28:43):
actual initial moment. And so one thing that I think
helps us feel a lot more softly towards each other is that we do
have that follow up conversationand we're able to workshop how
the another the initial conversation went down.
And like we even did that today in this episode.
We talked about our conversationyesterday.
And I think if you start to openyourself up to feedback down the
(29:05):
track with your partner, and maybe the first conversation was
clunky, but then you come back to it and you say, how could I
have said this differently? Like how could I have more
gently or more appropriately communicated what I was trying
to say and let them give you feedback on that?
For one, it shows your vulnerability and willingness to
learn and willingness to come back to things even though it's
uncomfortable. 2, it allows themto workshop it with you back and
(29:28):
forth and either give you tips that might be really you might
have not have thought about or help them understand how
complicated it was for you. So there's a, it's a nice gentle
reflection back that allows a lot of growth and probably even
more so than the initial conversation would.
This is one thing I think that Blair's really well implemented
over the last few years is listening to people that talk
(29:52):
the way you want to talk. So you've, you've really
inputted into being inputted into by people that you respect.
So either people in real life that have the have you know,
they're a little bit further down the track, they've got a
bit more experience and you respect them and you've put
yourself in a position of being teachable, mentored by them, or
even listening to resources thathelp you.
(30:13):
So like even just your language use.
So like when you were at university and stuff and trying
to learn how to use English well, which I'm not doing right
now, but you would read, you started trying to read a lot and
you have you've like went from not reading at all to reading
tonnes. You still read and you're still
into books. And I feel like just fiction,
like not deep non fiction, philosophical books or anything
(30:37):
like that. Just fiction.
But seeing how people use English and allowing that to be
something that's strengthened for you has been a game changer.
Oh. Absolutely.
And I had a mate, I had a mate who's an English teacher, which
was huge. So he actually helped me.
I remember. So when I went to to college, I,
so this is later on in life, right?
Like I, I'm a school dropout. I left school at like 15, moved
(31:01):
out of home like I, you know, all this sort of stuff.
And it was late 15, so I was going to finish year 10 and
that's a whole story in itself. But, and so when I went to
college, I think it was like 22 or 23 or something.
After we were married, Yeah, 25.25 Wow.
And I hadn't done, you know, I hadn't really done assignments.
(31:21):
I hadn't really done essays, I hadn't really done.
I did tests in primary school and stuff, but they would never
like at this level. And so I went to my mate who is
an English teacher. I'm like, dude, I need help,
man. And he actually helped me.
I think I was getting like classes in my assignments when I
first started and I started likeworking with him.
I'm like, I went to high distinctions, distinctions and
it was really, really awesome. So again, I think a big thing
(31:44):
that we need to overcome is thatmaybe the pride or the
embarrassment that we might face.
I've had a lot of that over my life.
But I think what this shift was,was when I started to realise I
didn't have to be stuck in my ways.
I'm like, I don't want to be like, I want to grow.
I want to do this. And so again, that's down to the
intentionality again. And you don't always have, you
(32:05):
know, the opportunity to have a English teacher friend and you
know, your, your struggles mightbe different, but there's so
many resources out there. And again, we put a lot of those
onto our website and he does do those coachings to help with
those resources. You know alone your wrestles
won't be unique to you, and there are a lot of things out
there to actually help you do it.
To work through it and with all of this stuff, there's a layer
(32:29):
of vulnerability. You have to be OK with the fact
that you're not, it's not a strength of yours and that you
want to learn and you have to beOK putting yourself in that
position so that you can learn or you're never going to learn.
Like you'll stunt yourself there.
So even if it's things like listening to podcasts like this
one, that's one of the reasons we do this podcast is to just
display different ways of workshopping things.
(32:50):
So the more people are listening, the more it's like
subconsciously stretching how they'll navigate conversations
to. And there there's a range of
resources out there that you canimplement to help you learn from
the people around you or the people that you're listening to
the content of, to express yourself with more clarity and
more depth. And, and whatever it is you're
(33:11):
trying to be better at, find people that are doing it the way
you really wish you could. And then surround yourself with
that that content or with them. And then the the last thing I'll
say is well, to these practical tips is notice what has worked
well in the past. So if you have a conversation
and you're like, actually that was pretty good.
Notice like just be like, what was good about that?
Why did it work better that way?Why did how I said it?
(33:33):
Well, honestly, my English is sobad, it's the irony.
Listen to what I mean now what I'm saying, notice how the way
you've said it has worked well with your partner and what it is
that was different about that. And just try to take notes.
And so we've had this and we have it all the time in our
conversations where we're like, oh, Amy doesn't well do well
(33:55):
with this, or Blair doesn't do well with this.
And it's just you start to know each other more and more and
more. And you won't ever be perfect at
it, but the more you understand how your partner receives
things, the easier it will be tojust naturally communicate with
them in that way. And you do this again, naturally
in life outside of relationships.
So we do this around school or around work.
(34:16):
There's a way that you communicate with your boss that
you wouldn't communicate with other people and that usually
it's more respectful or it's notusing certain language or stuff.
We, we do train ourselves to communicate in an appropriate
way with certain people. And so we can do this.
It's just something that I don'tthink we think too clearly about
when it comes to relationships for some reason.
(34:37):
So a few ways that just to show an example of how you might
reword things too is is you're asking yourself what we want our
partner to receive out of this thing too.
So before you enter in these conversations, ask yourself what
your goal is out of this conversation.
Like, what is the heart behind what I'm about to say to this
person? And this is an important
question to ask because sometimes the biting, clumsy
(34:59):
comment isn't actually for them and for their betterment at all
or for even the betterment of the relationship.
It's just like an expression or like an almost like an attack or
a weapon that we're using. And that's an important thing to
recognise because that's not a constructive communication tool.
You can switch your heart to be like, no, I do want us to be
closer together. Then that will change how you
(35:20):
communicate. I do want us.
I do want my partners to succeedand I want our relationship to
to succeed. And that is my goal.
Then that'll help you identify how you should word things.
So for an example, if you were to be a body passive aggressive
like we spoke about in the last episode, using kind of jabs or
jokes to express how you're feeling, you might say something
like, wow, thanks for the help. But what you're actually trying
(35:43):
to communicate instead of just using a little like Pew bullet
or arrow or something. How's the English going?
Well, you're actually trying to communicate is I'm actually
feeling overwhelmed and I'd lovesome help.
Can we talk about that? That's the heart behind that
thing when you can have that as your focus, your relationship is
your focus, your partner is yourfocus.
(36:03):
Instead of saying, wow, thanks for the help.
You'll be like, oh, actually that's not going to get me
anywhere. I'm feeling overwhelmed.
Can we have a conversation? I need some help or you could.
Another example is you never listen instead of you never
listen. I'm feeling unheard and I would
really like to feel more connected.
So there's just little shifts that when you've got that
(36:24):
philtre and that lens of we wantto be stronger together, it
helps you identify what those shifts might be.
If you're stuck up in your brainabout, I just want to get it
out, you're not going to have that natural philtre going over
what you're trying to say. Another really important thing
we've spoken about is your nervous system.
Like, so when you come into conversations, a lot of the
time, especially if it's like a pretty intense one or the
(36:47):
circumstances aren't great, yournervous system is not your
friend. Unfortunately, it can really
shut down your ability to speak clearly.
And so if you know you're about to raise something complicated
or if you know you're about to respond in a in a conversation
in a body way, try to regulate your own body.
Take a deep breath and exhale through your nose, drop your
(37:08):
shoulders. That's one big thing.
Like I often whenever I hear these things like on reels or
something, I'm scrolling. They'll be like unclench your
draw and drop your shoulders. Every time my jaw is clenched
and my shoulders are like like whatever this is hunched tied.
So like UN drop, unclenched, just your shoulders.
Just breathe. Basically breathe, drop your
(37:29):
shoulders, unclench your jaw, your hands too.
That's Blair. I see when he's tense he like
does. Little things, yeah.
Relax your hands start to like notice what's happening for you
physically place your hand on your chest.
We said this last episode as well.
That helps to really ground you,helps you feel your heart, helps
you feel your breathing, helps you feel grounded and adjust
(37:49):
your posture so that you're feeling more able to enter the
conversation gently so you're ina good headspace.
And all of these things help to signal to your nervous system
that you're safe. And that helps bring clarity,
even just a breath when you're finding yourself in these like
bitey little back and forth, taking a deep breath so oxygen
goes to your brain. I, it feels like when I do this,
(38:12):
it feels like my brain opens up and it just allows more clarity.
It just allows bigger picture thinking.
It allows you to say things moregently.
It allows you to think about things outside of your own
survival in that moment. Another really important thing,
too, is when you're going to communicate about something, if
you just come in to the situation, you're like, blah,
blah, blah, blah. Actually, this happened to us
the other day because I had justwoken up and Blair had been
(38:34):
awake for a little while and he was thinking about a lot of
stuff before I got up. And then I hadn't even had my
coffee, or I literally was making my coffee as he was
saying these things. And it wasn't bad, but he was
just, like, saying a lot. Yeah.
Yeah, it was about finances. What were you talking?
About. The podcast, all these ideas he
had for the podcast and like, oh, social media and stuff and
just things we need to get like on top of because we, we slash,
(38:57):
I haven't been and I was just like half there.
And then you notice you're like,sorry, I shouldn't be like,
you've just woken up. I shouldn't probably have dumped
all of this on you. And so that's a good example of
notice the tone that your partner's coming from.
Like what tone do they have right now?
What circumstances or contexts do they have?
Because you can come in ready for this conversation.
(39:18):
And they're just like, whoa, like I am like, I'm stressed
because the kids are like going berserk around me and I can't
even think right now. Or I'm just walked out from work
and my brain is like full. And I do this all the time to
Blair. Like I'm just like, and he's
come out from like meetings and meetings and meetings and all
this strategy and that kind of thing.
(39:39):
Notice the tone your partner's in and then adjust, adjust or re
time things be like, maybe we'llcome back in 10 minutes or can
we go for a walk or something that like doesn't just dive
right into this thing you're trying to communicate because
all of that adds to the clumsiness of what you're
communicating. You're not matching tone.
So either if they're really calmand like peaceful and you come
(40:02):
in like rat like because you're worked up about something you
notice, taken a second to noticebefore you do that and they're
calm, try and match their tone. Like try to calm it down a bit,
Do those grounding things be like, OK, this is something I've
been thinking about. If you notice actually they're
like on edge, don't match their tone.
That won't work. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Take a SEC, like just recognise where they're at and allow that
(40:24):
to be a buffer before you come in.
Just adding to that stuff. So that's an important context
cue in terms of how to navigate these conversations.
So those are some practical waysto navigate these things.
If you find yourself in these repeating patterns of not
communicating the way you wish you could, not getting your
meaning out or coming across with a meaning that actually is
(40:45):
not your intention, these are ways you can navigate how to
strengthen that muscle. And I think the the kind of core
point of it is have your partnerin mind, like have them be a
focus for you and allow yourselfto be vulnerable in that space.
Allow yourself to, even if this has been a pattern for you for a
while, allow yourself to come back and say, I recognise I have
(41:06):
not been communicating the way that I wish I could and I'm
sorry for how that might have made you feel.
I'm going to put work into this or something because that brings
them on your side straight away.Yeah, absolutely.
So find a little practical thingthat you can implement today,
just a little bit of a reality check corner is think about
something that you want to communicate with your partner
and write it out in the way you would usually communicate it.
And then I want you to go through and try and see how you
(41:29):
can rewrite it. This is just purely for an
example. You don't even need to have this
conversation right now if you don't want to.
But how can you rewrite it or reword it to focus on your
intention to focus on your feelings rather than like a
criticism of your partner to be more kind and more gentle and
removing any space for assumptions that you might be
(41:50):
bringing in as well? Just workshop that little thing
that you want to communicate andsee how much can change in the
way that you're saying the thing.
And then practise it out loud aswell.
See how that changes it as well.Just practise these tools
because it helps you recognise where there might be an area you
want to strengthen. There we go guys, no more Jabby
comments. It's been nice.
(42:10):
It's. Been nice.
Yeah, awesome. Well, thank you so much for
tuning in. Catch you next week.
See ya. Good chat.
If you've ever said that's not what I meant, then this episode
is for you. Learning to express ourselves
isn't just about trying to be polite, and it's really not just
trying to get our point across. Our goal needs to be to
strengthen our relationship and strengthen our communication.
Our goal needs to be to express ourselves, actually bring the
best out in the person, and really trying to articulate what
(00:33):
we mean. Yeah.
So this is the companion episode, the flip side episode
of our last episode, Clumsy Conversations.
Today we're going to be talking about if you're somebody who
struggles to communicate clearlyor who finds yourself in this
pattern of saying things in a clumsy way or saying things in a
way you don't really intend. We're gonna get practical and
(00:54):
work on how we can start to strengthen this muscle and bring
about the meaning that we're actually trying to share when
we're communicating with our partner.
So this is about if you are thatclumsy conversation.
Right so if you're new here welcome to Honey We need to chat
the podcast all about communication in a relationship.
I'm glad as my wife Amy, we've been married for over 10 years
(01:14):
now. We have 4 kids and a golden
retriever that loves a gate crash but loves a cuddle.
So we enjoy her sometimes. Yeah, it's actually been really
sweet this morning, or not this morning for last week.
Now our kids have learned to make coffees and they love to
make us coffees first thing in the morning, even sometimes wake
us up to see if we're ready for a coffee.
(01:35):
Now that's an experience. It's nice and not at the same
time. It'd be different if they were
holding the coffee as they came in.
I think that would like soften the blow, but because they're
not. Yeah, this is like, you don't
have the coffee, Why are you? Funny 'cause you actually sent
our oldest to ask me that this is.
I had to get ready. It was a timing.
Daddy told me to ask this. Yeah, so get you up.
(01:57):
Amy's been sleeping in without atoddler recently.
We've just been having some sleep, sleep issues.
So we're we're going to try and work through sleep training this
weekend actually, because it's becoming a real issue.
It is, yeah. Difficult times, but fun times.
But yes, the coffee making has been amazing.
We were all chilling. It was a lazy afternoon
(02:17):
yesterday, chilling in our room,watching a movie, kind of
napping, whatever. And our oldest turns to Blair
and is like, would you like a flat white?
Yeah. It was such a weird experience.
I was like, yes. Yes, I would.
Yeah, I really would. Thank you.
So train your kids to make coffees, guys.
Yeah, if you are a regular on this episode and you want to
help us out, please just do the basics guys to take two minutes
(02:38):
right now, like share, subscribe.
We see you guys there. We would just love your support.
If you could get on to that likebutton.
That's all you do. That would be absolutely
amazing. But please, like, share,
subscribe, comment even if you're feeling fancy.
Yeah. And it'll help us out in a big
way. Yes, it does sometimes feel like
we're talking to ourselves, eventhough we see you there, so we
want to hear from you as well. We would love that.
(03:00):
So many of us are not unfamiliarwith saying things in a way we
didn't intend. A lot of us kind of find
ourselves after the fact in a conversation or in an argument
or in a situation where we're like, oh, I really, really did
not mean for it to come out thatway.
And that's not my intention. But then it becomes another
layer on its own. And we have this conversation
(03:21):
all the time. So this conversation is very
relevant to us as well, saying things in a way we don't mean.
And then that is that adds a whole other story to it.
So we're not unfamiliar with this.
This is a common thing. But the good news is that you
can actually strengthen the way you communicate.
You can strengthen your muscle of communication and working on
how things come out of your mouth and the situation that
(03:44):
kind of unfolds when you're having these conversations.
So that's what we want to talk about today.
We want to get really, really practical with that.
And we've got some really practical tips to help you
strengthen those skills at the end of the episode.
So stick around for that becausewe will get real.
We will get real about them. But there's a number of reasons,
and it's a similar conversation to last episode.
(04:04):
There's a number of reasons why somebody may find it hard to
communicate well when they're trying to express something
about how they're feeling or trying to respond to something.
And a lot of that comes down to how we were taught to
communicate. So a lot of us were taught to
communicate in a way that was avoidant or a way that was, you
(04:24):
know, passive aggressive. These kinds of things that
didn't tell us how to gently approach the things that we're
feeling serious about, and instead kind of built these
patterns of exploding sarcasm, passive aggressivity, and little
jabs as kind of an avoidant way of communicating instead of
getting OK with being uncomfortable and saying what we
(04:46):
need. So a lot of us grew up in
patterns that are unhelpful for this.
That's one reason why you might find yourself regularly saying
things in a way you didn't mean for it to come out.
Another is when we're trying to be honest, it's a really
vulnerable experience. And so it depending again on how
you've been raised and dependingon the vibe of your
relationship, when you're tryingto express something about how
(05:07):
you're feeling or you're trying to raise something that you
understand might make the other person feel really vulnerable.
It is an uncomfortable thing. And so the easy option is to not
get real serious about it and say it very clearly.
The easy option feels at the time to say in a way that's a
roundabout and that often is notthe best way because it then
(05:28):
causes more complications like we've spoken about sometimes.
And this is a really big thing for I think most people when you
go to communicate these things because of how complicated it is
and layered it is. Our nervous system actually sets
us up for failure because we're,even though we might have the
intention to say things clearly and calmly and gently and be
quite to the point, when our nervous system senses danger, it
(05:51):
actually shuts down a lot of ourability to think clearly and to
think big picture. And it moves into kind of like a
survival mode. And so we end up in a space
where our tone is different or our words come out different.
And that actually speaks louder a lot of the time to our
partners than what we're actually saying, what we're
trying to say. And so even just our physical
(06:11):
body can actually make it difficult for us to say things
in the way that we would intend for them to come out.
And part of that also means thenthat a lot of the time when
you're in that space, your braincan go blank in terms of the
words you want to say. You're branking, go blank in
terms of what you're trying to raise or the examples of what
you're trying to raise. And it can end up coming out in
a much more clunky way. And you don't have the right
(06:33):
words and, and sometimes literally the word will be out
of your head and you'll just be like, I don't know what I'm
trying to say. So I'll find something that's
nearby. And it's not even exactly what
you're trying to say. So this whole physical nervous
system experience doesn't just affect your tone and how you
come across. It actually affects your ability
to think clearly about the wordsthat are coming out of your
mouth before they come out of your mouth too.
(06:55):
And if you mix that with growingup in a home where emotions
weren't expressed clearly or youdon't have that emotional
vocabulary to name how you're feeling and, and to understand
the layers that go into that, then that kind of mix can be
even more a recipe for disaster because you're mixing that with
a nervous system that's in panicand it all just comes out.
You might also be somebody who bottles up instead of expressing
(07:18):
things along the way. This is something that I
struggle with a lot and a lot ofpeople do.
You don't express the things as they come up because it's
complicated and layered. And so then you end up bottling.
And then when it does come out, instead of it just being a
comment about that instant or a response or a conversation
you're bringing up in that moment, it has all these layers
(07:39):
to it. All this stuff that you've
bottled up and all this pressurebehind it and it just explodes.
All of these things mixed into anice little soup of
complication. And there were other part that I
think is really important and I think also plays into a lot of
these conversations. And definitely for us is that
when we come to raise something and we had conversation like
this yesterday, we assume context.
So we've had this conversation in our head, or we've had these
(08:02):
little moments where we're picking up our evidence or we're
picking up our thoughts and thatsort of thing.
And we have this whole story playing out internally for us.
And then we come into the conversation and a lot of us
struggle to recognise that we'reactually assuming in that
process what our partner understands.
And so we'll come out with things with a whole story.
(08:23):
This is what I was doing yesterday when we're having this
conversation, this whole story and these feelings and emotions
and all this stuff going on, assuming that Blair understands
what I've been thinking about, even though it hasn't been
communicated or Blair understands how I've been
feeling about these things, or it's as clear to him, the
context has been going on for me.
And that just isn't the case most of the time.
(08:44):
And so we come into the conversation already not on the
right foot because we've assumeda lot of stuff, a lot of context
that we're then projecting. And the other partner, we have
no idea really what's going on for them and what they've picked
up or what they haven't. And so that just continues to
make that gap further and further apart.
Yeah, this is another one of those episodes.
I feel like so many of these episodes are very just not
(09:08):
targeted on me because it's not what's happening here.
It's like, Blair, this is you. But no, it's these are genuinely
things that I've really wrestledwith forever and especially
since being in a relationship because when you're working on
yourself in a relationship it had, it holds so much more.
It's just a different level and there's a lot more weight in it.
But communication has been a huge, huge wrestle.
(09:29):
And even to today, it's such a, a hard thing.
And I think there's a a number of different levels.
One is, yeah, the upbringing, the way that we communicate as a
family, but also my own processing abilities and what I
need to try and get through a thought is really hard.
So there's a number of theories,like I haven't been tested, but
one is, you know, you and I bothhave been looking at into this
(09:52):
quite a lot, but I potentially have ADHD.
And so with that, like my just, I, I wrestle with a lot of the
thoughts that I have and processing them.
And I can't just process it and then clearly communicate it.
I need to communicate it and process it at the same time.
And that's really hard sometimes.
So like I've been, you know, recently, like we had a
(10:14):
conversation about what I've been trying to do, because I
know that when we were together,I was just very blunt.
I was just like, this is it, this is what it is.
I'm just processing putting it out there and and I would have
little understanding of how those that communication was
affecting you. But for me, I'm like, I'm just
going to get it out of my head. But and it was more focused on
the way that I was communicatingthan the way you were receiving
(10:36):
over time. It's been a real wrestle of all
right, cool. Well, I can pro I, I know how I
typically and naturally process that has been harmful.
So now I've got to take a breath.
I've got to just take time. I don't respond in the moment.
I, you know, I pick that and I try and like pace it out over
time to try and do the processing as much as I can
(10:59):
internally. And then I might get to a point
where I talk to you and I might say, look, I'm still processing
this. I don't have it.
I just need to get this out of my head so I can I can move
forward with it. I'm like, I'll be clear, like,
you know, it might be blunt, butit's not trying to.
I'm genuinely trying to just getthis thought out of my head and
I can't do it internally. So really taking you on that
(11:21):
journey has been something I've really tried to focus on rather
than just saying it. The other thing too, and This is
why, again, it's still an area of struggle for me, right?
It genuinely is like recently I knew you were struggling with
something and rather me come just coming straight out and
saying it, even working with youon on this sort of stuff.
(11:42):
Over time, I I've got these different touch points.
So I'll be like, all right, you know how you feeling?
And then you might, you might share that or you might be like,
I don't know, I'm like, all right, well, what are you
thinking? But I don't do all this.
The ones I'll paste it out. I'm like, all right, but what
are you thinking? And then you might actually be
like, well, I'm actually thinking something.
I don't know what to feel yet orvice versa.
(12:02):
And and then from those like getting that gauge, then I'll,
you know, talk to you about something.
Yeah, it's it's but it's still that wrestler.
It's not that perfect science. The big part is being is being
going on that journey with you, though.
Like if for me to just do that on my own, I find I've found
extremely hard because like I can't gauge the way that you
(12:25):
receive something if I'm not working on it with you.
That makes sense. Like I might be trying to you.
You gave good feedback yesterday.
You're like, well, I don't know that's what you're doing, right?
Like you, you didn't know that was my approach.
You didn't know that's what I was trying to do.
You didn't know of my intentions.
All you saw was this awkward random questions coming out
(12:45):
there or these suggestions or whatever else with no context.
So for you was it it wasn't being received in the way that I
was meaning it? Yeah.
I'm trying to do it internally. I'll try and do it on my own.
Well, that's the assumption partthat I was talking about, where
you assume that people have the same context that you do.
So we were talking about how youwere drinking.
(13:05):
It's your coffee. I don't want your coffee.
I want my coffee. We're talking about how I've
been struggling and you've been trying to make it so that I
don't have to worry about so much stuff around the house.
And so you've been doing all of this stuff around the house with
the kids on holidays, trying to keep it nice and calm.
And then the other day you were like, if you can just clean the
benches, I'll do all the other stuff.
(13:27):
And for me, because I didn't know that's what you're doing,
all I saw was I'm struggling. And then Blair is like super
cleaning and getting the kids toclean.
And then he's asked me to clean if you can just do the benches.
So to me, and this is my assumption, part of it was like,
OK, he's frustrated because I'm not pulling my weight and he
he's asked me to do the benches.It wasn't like you only need to
(13:48):
do the benches. Like from his perspective, he's
like, that's all, all I will askfor help for and I'll do
everything else. From my perspective, it was like
he's been busy, busy, busy. And then he's come and asked me
if I can do the benches. So he's frustrated because I'm
not doing this stuff. And this is just such a classic
stories, the stories you bring to things or the context you
bring. And I was projecting my
(14:08):
assumptions of what he was feeling, but he was having this
whole process and just not sharing what it was.
And so he was assuming that I understood that context.
And so that's how easy it is to miss each other.
And then you Add all the other layers into it, like how you're
feeling and your experiences andblah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And it was interesting. Yeah.
It was interesting to see how that had played out, the
(14:29):
different stories that we project on or the different
ways. And that wasn't a badly
communicated thing, just to be clear.
Like this. This wasn't even a clumsy
conversation, it's just it just shows how easy it is to come
across in a way that you don't mean to, or how easy it is to
read things in a way that's not intended.
I I think it was like less of a clumsy conversation and clumsy
(14:50):
approach to the conversation, ifthat makes sense, because it was
clumsy in the end, like because in my head, you know, because
again, all those assumptions, I came to you, you were working
and I'm like, all right, Well, Icould be very gentle about this
because I know how it could comeacross.
And so I didn't give you context.
And that was the clumsy part is I didn't give you context to my
(15:11):
question. I just focused on my approach to
the question. And that was where like in
hindsight, So I'm like, that makes sense.
How you, Yeah, they like, felt that.
But I was just like, Amy, like, you know, there's no rush.
It's to take your time. I just, I will, you know, kids
and I are going to do all the other cleaning.
I just want you to, if you can just focus on the bench because
I just I wasn't getting to everything.
(15:32):
And I know like from a time likefrom previously, we've spoken
about, you've talked about how clutter and mess like stresses
you out and I'm like, sweet, well, we will take.
I know you've been you've been stressed recently.
I'm like, Oh, we'll take care ofthat.
And my intentions were so, you know, her trying to be nice.
But again, like when I'm doing that without giving you context,
I can see how it looks afterwards.
(15:54):
And yeah, that was the clumsy part, is the approach to it, not
necessarily the conversation, because then we had the
conversation and then we're like.
Yeah. And then the flip side of that
is you're trying so hard and it's not your natural.
You haven't felt natural in thisspace, so you're trying extra
hard to make sure you're communicating well.
And then I'm reacting negatively, yeah, with my own
(16:15):
stories going on. And so then that's like.
And that's the important part. Like we've talked about, you
know, in the intro there, like it's, it's about what's the goal
in mind? Because we were getting a little
bit frustrated there when we hadthis conversation because we
weren't understanding what the disconnect was.
Like I was focusing on, I'm doing these things and then
Amy's like, you didn't tell me you were doing those things.
(16:36):
And so there's little frustration in there for a
little bit. And what's so important here is
like, again, I can focus on, in this argument right now, I could
focus on my perspective and, andactually, no, I'm doing these
things. Why can't you just appreciate
I'm doing these things and I, I wouldn't have the impact that
I'd want it to have, right? It'd be more about me being
(16:56):
right than being about our relationship growing in this
situation and vice versa. You could have focused more on
you being right from your perspective than understanding
what was my intention there like.
And, and that's where the strength really comes into with
these communication tools and tricks and tips and stuff like
that, really, really trying to get to that understanding that
(17:17):
attitude of curiosity towards the situation rather than
assuming the other person's justintentionally doing wrong by
you. Yeah.
And that's really the heart of it is if we, if our intention as
a couple is to become stronger and is to like we've talked
about this five years down the track, 10 years down the track,
where do we want to be? And if that's to be closer and
(17:39):
stronger, then these things are important to focus on.
And that should be a philtre to how we have those conversations
or how we approach these comments that we make.
We want the other person to succeed.
It's not just about we want to succeed or we want to feel
heard, which is important. Like it's important to feel
heard and important to be able to express how you're feeling.
(18:00):
But it's not if that is your only goal is to make sure they
know how you're feeling versus make sure they know how you're
feeling. But make sure you're bringing
like you're bringing a focus to help them succeed and help you
guys succeed together, then you're going to miss the mark.
It's not going to be easy to work on these things.
It's not going to be easy to strengthen this muscle.
(18:21):
And if you do want that, if thatis your goal, then it will be
that can be your focus. And that as a good philtre and a
good kind of compass about how you're going with these things
and where you might need to put a little bit more intentionality
around strengthening. So Blair also has like he's,
he's very like straightforward and he's worked really, really
(18:41):
hard on that and you've gotten really good at that.
Like I think like when we were together, you were, we were
doing the internship together when?
We first got together. Sorry when you said that earlier
as well. Yeah, and I thought the exact
same thing. But when we first got together,
sorry you we were doing the internship and you wasn't just
in our communication. It was like leading other people
or that sort of thing. You struggled to not just say
(19:02):
what you wanted to say. And, and your approach tended to
be either you say what you want to say or you avoid it all
together and you just go fix thething yourself.
It wasn't much of like a fostering that conversation back
and forth. But then since then, like I
don't think people these days that you work with would have
the same experience at all with you.
I think that's sometimes, but not to the same extent.
(19:24):
Like it is something you have strengthened A tonne.
And so that's a really good example of you can build these
skills, absolutely. And not just like that, but like
use of language. You've also built that hugely.
Yeah, over the time we've known each other.
And that's through a lot of different things.
Your vocabulary and your use of language is so much more
strengthened now just through repetition and practise than it
(19:46):
was. Intentionality and that's The
thing is like, you know, I feel like a lot of times we look at
these things and like look at these areas in our lives, we're
like, I wish, I wish I didn't struggle with that or whatever,
but like unless we actually are intentional with those.
Things and, and the beauty of itis I get to work on that with
you. Like it's not just on me.
And that's the beauty of workingthrough these things as a
(20:07):
couple. It's, you know, you definitely
can work on them. You're not stuck in those
things. So you and that's where we want
to bring that hope into relationships as well.
You know, there's such a cancel culture even in relationships
these days of like, well, they're not serving me now.
So this isn't a good relationship with me.
It's like actually that's not true, you know, like that you
can work on things and you just need that intentionality and
sometimes a lot of hurt and and pain that's in such
(20:29):
circumstances, but that's where there's professional help to
actually help you through that. But a lot of times it's just
just the commitment together, the attitude of curiosity
digging deeper, and the attitudeof intentionality.
And grace. Yeah, and that commitment to
grow with each other. And nobody, no relationship that
you observe that you think, oh, that's so strong.
(20:50):
Look how well they work together.
None of those people got there magically.
Like none of them just fell intothis easy pattern without any
work like those. Those are the kind of
relationships that they've put in the work.
And I struggle when I say when Ifeel like I'm constantly being
like it's hard work, It's hard work because that makes it sound
depressing and maybe not worth it, but it's so worth it.
(21:11):
And it is hard work in terms of like it's intentional work, but
it's the same with anything likeit's the same.
We've spoken about this all the time.
Like we invest in our professional world, like we
invest in training there, we invest in practising there and.
A lot of the times they're hard work, but the the results from
the hard work that you've put into that, it's exactly the same
in your relationship. You know the hard work you put
(21:32):
into it, you're going to see to those results.
You can see that strength in in the way that you guys
communicate, the way that you guys operate together, the way
the way you raise a family together, in the impact other
people's lives around you together.
All those things are through thehard work that we put into.
It yeah, the the worth it hard work that first it's funny that
just kind of for some reason this area of life feels like it
(21:53):
should just be automatic when everything else is not.
So anyway, that's, that's kind of, that's the context to this.
This is very relevant for us. It's very relevant for other
people and it can play out in different ways.
And there can be so many reasonswhy you might struggle to say
things clearly. You're not alone in that.
It's normal. You can work on it.
And now we're going to talk about some of the ways that you
(22:14):
can work on that, the ways that you can start to see implemented
change in this space to bring about more constructive
conversations. So we're going to get into some
practical tips in a second, but I just wanted to take a moment
and pause and talk more about how, you know, we we invest in
our careers, we've invest in ourtraining.
And we also spoke about the importance of investing in your
(22:35):
own self and your own relationship or in your own self
for your relationship even. And So what we do, we want to be
more than just some noise. We want, we want to be more than
just sounds and more voices speaking into the Internet.
We actually want to be providingresources to actually help you
work through those things and like you would invest, it's in
your work. We want you to invest into your
relationship. So go onto our website,
(22:56):
honeymoon to chat.com, and there's a bunch of free
resources on there for you to download and work through
together as a couple. They actually pair up with these
episodes themselves. Another thing that we do as
well, or what Amy does, Amy doescoaching for women.
So if you want to actually work through these things, if you're
feeling stuck on some of these things, reach out as well.
And Amy would love to connect with you and, and go on this
(23:18):
journey with you. You're not alone, and we want to
support you in any way that we can.
Yeah, great. Let's give us the tips.
All righty. So these are ways you can start
to build that muscle of saying things more clearly.
Let's just call it that one is. And this is really important for
learning how to communicate across the board, not just in
your relationship, is being OK with that clumsy like practise
(23:41):
that clumsy draught of what you're trying to say.
And so if you've got a, you've got something you need to say to
your partner and you have a pattern of it not coming out the
way you want, just say it like as in practise it to yourself,
Write it out to yourself and start to get through that clumsy
draught, because sometimes that's where we get blocked is
just not even getting it out in the first place.
(24:03):
Practise it out loud to yourselfor on paper and see what it
looks like. And then workshop that until you
feel better about what you're saying.
And the more you practise it, the smoother it will come out.
And we do this on the time on the podcast.
If you saw our bloopers, you'd see how many times we repeat
things before we say them sometimes because it does take,
it doesn't come out naturally. What?
(24:25):
That's ironic because it does take practise sometimes, and
especially if this is something that you've struggled with in
the past. So you could say or write what
you really want to say and then ask yourself, how would this
land or how can I adjust this and make it a little bit more
gentle or a little bit more me focused?
And then another part of that isactually practising saying that
(24:45):
out loud to yourself in the mirror or saying it out loud on
a voice memo or something like that.
And if it's a really serious conversation, saying it to
someone, like workshopping it with someone that you trust and
that's a wise input into your life is good too.
But saying these things out loudtoo, because it's one thing to
see it written down, it's a whole other thing to actually
verbalise it and have it come out naturally, as naturally as
possible. So just practise.
(25:07):
I know that sounds simple, but it's something that we don't do
very often and it's something that can really change how
you're communicating about thesethings, at least by bringing you
some more clarity before it comes out of your mouth.
Another thing is if you've got this pattern where you're saying
things in a way you don't intend, call it for what it is.
Be honest with that and find some sentence starters that work
(25:28):
well for you to sort of break the ice and set the intention of
what you're trying to say beforeyou come out with a clumsy
sentence and helps your partner understand where you're coming
from instead of them just havingthis cold, you know, clumsy
sentence sent to them. So you can say something like
this might come out clumsily or awkwardly, but it's really
important. I want to say it, I want to get
(25:50):
it out. Or you can say, can I try to say
something and you let me know how you receive it.
So then you could then say the clumsy thing and they can
respond and you can say literally repeat to them, what
did you take from that? Like what do you take from this?
How does this make you feel? That sort of thing.
And don't just come out and say that because again, if you're
not on the same page as each other on this approach as well,
(26:11):
the other person could still be offended by it.
So use this as an example. You just podcast and as an
example, say, and don't do it ina heat of a moment as well,
right? If you're trying to get a point
across, don't use it as a tool. What I want to encourage you is
like, outside of that moment, use it as a tool to work on it
together. You could listen to this episode
together or just if you've got aspecific point that I'm just
(26:34):
bringing up, it's sort of out toyou.
Bring that. Like, hey, I genuinely struggle
with communication and just, youknow, you know, I'm being blunt
and you know, I struggle with this.
I'm really trying to work on it.How about we try this next time
or something like prime each other first, like prep each
other, commit to that together. That's going to help that flow
so much better. So then next time it comes up,
(26:55):
you're going to be like, hey, remember how you know, I
mentioned this thing about how I'm going to, I'm just going to
share. I just want you to know how it
makes you feel so I can work on it.
And you're prepping each other beforehand.
You're not just doing it in the moment.
Yeah, yeah. And you can also say you can,
you can come out and say I have an important conversation that I
need to have. Do you mind if we take a few
moments, like after the kids go to bed or something?
(27:17):
So you're setting the intention for what's coming up.
And then you could start it by saying, this might feel clumsy,
but I'm just going to try and get it out because I, it's
important and I want to communicate it.
So be gracious with me. And then also something like, I
don't know how to say this gently.
I don't know how to say this in the best way.
So this is what I'm saying. And that doesn't excuse you to
then be like, you're really annoying or something that's
(27:39):
like quite inflammatory. Doesn't excuse what you're now
about to say. But it does add a little gentle
buffer in terms of setting your partner up, understanding where
you're coming from and what you're struggling with in terms
of working on it. And allowing a little extra
grace hopefully in the process so you can get to the heart of
what you're trying to communicate about.
(28:00):
As long as your intention is then the same thing, to be kind
and gentle in what you're expressing as much as you
possibly can. So leading with intent is really
important as well. So that's just saying I'm trying
to express something that's important to me, but I don't
know how to word it. Leading with your intention and
showing a bit of vulnerability there can really help break that
(28:22):
ice and help set your partner upwith the right headspace for
these conversations. Another thing you can do, and
this is I think another show of vulnerability in a relationship
is this. It's one thing how you have the
conversation and then it's another thing how you follow up
that conversation. And we've talked about that a
lot too. Like a lot of the time the
biggest change comes from the follow up conversation, not the
(28:43):
actual initial moment. And so one thing that I think
helps us feel a lot more softly towards each other is that we do
have that follow up conversationand we're able to workshop how
the another the initial conversation went down.
And like we even did that today in this episode.
We talked about our conversationyesterday.
And I think if you start to openyourself up to feedback down the
(29:05):
track with your partner, and maybe the first conversation was
clunky, but then you come back to it and you say, how could I
have said this differently? Like how could I have more
gently or more appropriately communicated what I was trying
to say and let them give you feedback on that?
For one, it shows your vulnerability and willingness to
learn and willingness to come back to things even though it's
uncomfortable. 2, it allows themto workshop it with you back and
(29:28):
forth and either give you tips that might be really you might
have not have thought about or help them understand how
complicated it was for you. So there's a, it's a nice gentle
reflection back that allows a lot of growth and probably even
more so than the initial conversation would.
This is one thing I think that Blair's really well implemented
over the last few years is listening to people that talk
(29:52):
the way you want to talk. So you've, you've really
inputted into being inputted into by people that you respect.
So either people in real life that have the have you know,
they're a little bit further down the track, they've got a
bit more experience and you respect them and you've put
yourself in a position of being teachable, mentored by them, or
even listening to resources thathelp you.
(30:13):
So like even just your language use.
So like when you were at university and stuff and trying
to learn how to use English well, which I'm not doing right
now, but you would read, you started trying to read a lot and
you have you've like went from not reading at all to reading
tonnes. You still read and you're still
into books. And I feel like just fiction,
like not deep non fiction, philosophical books or anything
(30:37):
like that. Just fiction.
But seeing how people use English and allowing that to be
something that's strengthened for you has been a game changer.
Oh. Absolutely.
And I had a mate, I had a mate who's an English teacher, which
was huge. So he actually helped me.
I remember. So when I went to to college, I,
so this is later on in life, right?
Like I, I'm a school dropout. I left school at like 15, moved
(31:01):
out of home like I, you know, all this sort of stuff.
And it was late 15, so I was going to finish year 10 and
that's a whole story in itself. But, and so when I went to
college, I think it was like 22 or 23 or something.
After we were married, Yeah, 25.25 Wow.
And I hadn't done, you know, I hadn't really done assignments.
(31:21):
I hadn't really done essays, I hadn't really done.
I did tests in primary school and stuff, but they would never
like at this level. And so I went to my mate who is
an English teacher. I'm like, dude, I need help,
man. And he actually helped me.
I think I was getting like classes in my assignments when I
first started and I started likeworking with him.
I'm like, I went to high distinctions, distinctions and
it was really, really awesome. So again, I think a big thing
(31:44):
that we need to overcome is thatmaybe the pride or the
embarrassment that we might face.
I've had a lot of that over my life.
But I think what this shift was,was when I started to realise I
didn't have to be stuck in my ways.
I'm like, I don't want to be like, I want to grow.
I want to do this. And so again, that's down to the
intentionality again. And you don't always have, you
(32:05):
know, the opportunity to have a English teacher friend and you
know, your, your struggles mightbe different, but there's so
many resources out there. And again, we put a lot of those
onto our website and he does do those coachings to help with
those resources. You know alone your wrestles
won't be unique to you, and there are a lot of things out
there to actually help you do it.
To work through it and with all of this stuff, there's a layer
(32:29):
of vulnerability. You have to be OK with the fact
that you're not, it's not a strength of yours and that you
want to learn and you have to beOK putting yourself in that
position so that you can learn or you're never going to learn.
Like you'll stunt yourself there.
So even if it's things like listening to podcasts like this
one, that's one of the reasons we do this podcast is to just
display different ways of workshopping things.
(32:50):
So the more people are listening, the more it's like
subconsciously stretching how they'll navigate conversations
to. And there there's a range of
resources out there that you canimplement to help you learn from
the people around you or the people that you're listening to
the content of, to express yourself with more clarity and
more depth. And, and whatever it is you're
(33:11):
trying to be better at, find people that are doing it the way
you really wish you could. And then surround yourself with
that that content or with them. And then the the last thing I'll
say is well, to these practical tips is notice what has worked
well in the past. So if you have a conversation
and you're like, actually that was pretty good.
Notice like just be like, what was good about that?
Why did it work better that way?Why did how I said it?
(33:33):
Well, honestly, my English is sobad, it's the irony.
Listen to what I mean now what I'm saying, notice how the way
you've said it has worked well with your partner and what it is
that was different about that. And just try to take notes.
And so we've had this and we have it all the time in our
conversations where we're like, oh, Amy doesn't well do well
(33:55):
with this, or Blair doesn't do well with this.
And it's just you start to know each other more and more and
more. And you won't ever be perfect at
it, but the more you understand how your partner receives
things, the easier it will be tojust naturally communicate with
them in that way. And you do this again, naturally
in life outside of relationships.
So we do this around school or around work.
(34:16):
There's a way that you communicate with your boss that
you wouldn't communicate with other people and that usually
it's more respectful or it's notusing certain language or stuff.
We, we do train ourselves to communicate in an appropriate
way with certain people. And so we can do this.
It's just something that I don'tthink we think too clearly about
when it comes to relationships for some reason.
(34:37):
So a few ways that just to show an example of how you might
reword things too is is you're asking yourself what we want our
partner to receive out of this thing too.
So before you enter in these conversations, ask yourself what
your goal is out of this conversation.
Like, what is the heart behind what I'm about to say to this
person? And this is an important
question to ask because sometimes the biting, clumsy
(34:59):
comment isn't actually for them and for their betterment at all
or for even the betterment of the relationship.
It's just like an expression or like an almost like an attack or
a weapon that we're using. And that's an important thing to
recognise because that's not a constructive communication tool.
You can switch your heart to be like, no, I do want us to be
closer together. Then that will change how you
(35:20):
communicate. I do want us.
I do want my partners to succeedand I want our relationship to
to succeed. And that is my goal.
Then that'll help you identify how you should word things.
So for an example, if you were to be a body passive aggressive
like we spoke about in the last episode, using kind of jabs or
jokes to express how you're feeling, you might say something
like, wow, thanks for the help. But what you're actually trying
(35:43):
to communicate instead of just using a little like Pew bullet
or arrow or something. How's the English going?
Well, you're actually trying to communicate is I'm actually
feeling overwhelmed and I'd lovesome help.
Can we talk about that? That's the heart behind that
thing when you can have that as your focus, your relationship is
your focus, your partner is yourfocus.
(36:03):
Instead of saying, wow, thanks for the help.
You'll be like, oh, actually that's not going to get me
anywhere. I'm feeling overwhelmed.
Can we have a conversation? I need some help or you could.
Another example is you never listen instead of you never
listen. I'm feeling unheard and I would
really like to feel more connected.
So there's just little shifts that when you've got that
(36:24):
philtre and that lens of we wantto be stronger together, it
helps you identify what those shifts might be.
If you're stuck up in your brainabout, I just want to get it
out, you're not going to have that natural philtre going over
what you're trying to say. Another really important thing
we've spoken about is your nervous system.
Like, so when you come into conversations, a lot of the
time, especially if it's like a pretty intense one or the
(36:47):
circumstances aren't great, yournervous system is not your
friend. Unfortunately, it can really
shut down your ability to speak clearly.
And so if you know you're about to raise something complicated
or if you know you're about to respond in a in a conversation
in a body way, try to regulate your own body.
Take a deep breath and exhale through your nose, drop your
(37:08):
shoulders. That's one big thing.
Like I often whenever I hear these things like on reels or
something, I'm scrolling. They'll be like unclench your
draw and drop your shoulders. Every time my jaw is clenched
and my shoulders are like like whatever this is hunched tied.
So like UN drop, unclenched, just your shoulders.
Just breathe. Basically breathe, drop your
(37:29):
shoulders, unclench your jaw, your hands too.
That's Blair. I see when he's tense he like
does. Little things, yeah.
Relax your hands start to like notice what's happening for you
physically place your hand on your chest.
We said this last episode as well.
That helps to really ground you,helps you feel your heart, helps
you feel your breathing, helps you feel grounded and adjust
(37:49):
your posture so that you're feeling more able to enter the
conversation gently so you're ina good headspace.
And all of these things help to signal to your nervous system
that you're safe. And that helps bring clarity,
even just a breath when you're finding yourself in these like
bitey little back and forth, taking a deep breath so oxygen
goes to your brain. I, it feels like when I do this,
(38:12):
it feels like my brain opens up and it just allows more clarity.
It just allows bigger picture thinking.
It allows you to say things moregently.
It allows you to think about things outside of your own
survival in that moment. Another really important thing,
too, is when you're going to communicate about something, if
you just come in to the situation, you're like, blah,
blah, blah, blah. Actually, this happened to us
the other day because I had justwoken up and Blair had been
(38:34):
awake for a little while and he was thinking about a lot of
stuff before I got up. And then I hadn't even had my
coffee, or I literally was making my coffee as he was
saying these things. And it wasn't bad, but he was
just, like, saying a lot. Yeah.
Yeah, it was about finances. What were you talking?
About. The podcast, all these ideas he
had for the podcast and like, oh, social media and stuff and
just things we need to get like on top of because we, we slash,
(38:57):
I haven't been and I was just like half there.
And then you notice you're like,sorry, I shouldn't be like,
you've just woken up. I shouldn't probably have dumped
all of this on you. And so that's a good example of
notice the tone that your partner's coming from.
Like what tone do they have right now?
What circumstances or contexts do they have?
Because you can come in ready for this conversation.
(39:18):
And they're just like, whoa, like I am like, I'm stressed
because the kids are like going berserk around me and I can't
even think right now. Or I'm just walked out from work
and my brain is like full. And I do this all the time to
Blair. Like I'm just like, and he's
come out from like meetings and meetings and meetings and all
this strategy and that kind of thing.
(39:39):
Notice the tone your partner's in and then adjust, adjust or re
time things be like, maybe we'llcome back in 10 minutes or can
we go for a walk or something that like doesn't just dive
right into this thing you're trying to communicate because
all of that adds to the clumsiness of what you're
communicating. You're not matching tone.
So either if they're really calmand like peaceful and you come
(40:02):
in like rat like because you're worked up about something you
notice, taken a second to noticebefore you do that and they're
calm, try and match their tone. Like try to calm it down a bit,
Do those grounding things be like, OK, this is something I've
been thinking about. If you notice actually they're
like on edge, don't match their tone.
That won't work. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Take a SEC, like just recognise where they're at and allow that
(40:24):
to be a buffer before you come in.
Just adding to that stuff. So that's an important context
cue in terms of how to navigate these conversations.
So those are some practical waysto navigate these things.
If you find yourself in these repeating patterns of not
communicating the way you wish you could, not getting your
meaning out or coming across with a meaning that actually is
(40:45):
not your intention, these are ways you can navigate how to
strengthen that muscle. And I think the the kind of core
point of it is have your partnerin mind, like have them be a
focus for you and allow yourselfto be vulnerable in that space.
Allow yourself to, even if this has been a pattern for you for a
while, allow yourself to come back and say, I recognise I have
(41:06):
not been communicating the way that I wish I could and I'm
sorry for how that might have made you feel.
I'm going to put work into this or something because that brings
them on your side straight away.Yeah, absolutely.
So find a little practical thingthat you can implement today,
just a little bit of a reality check corner is think about
something that you want to communicate with your partner
and write it out in the way you would usually communicate it.
And then I want you to go through and try and see how you
(41:29):
can rewrite it. This is just purely for an
example. You don't even need to have this
conversation right now if you don't want to.
But how can you rewrite it or reword it to focus on your
intention to focus on your feelings rather than like a
criticism of your partner to be more kind and more gentle and
removing any space for assumptions that you might be
(41:50):
bringing in as well? Just workshop that little thing
that you want to communicate andsee how much can change in the
way that you're saying the thing.
And then practise it out loud aswell.
See how that changes it as well.Just practise these tools
because it helps you recognise where there might be an area you
want to strengthen. There we go guys, no more Jabby
comments. It's been nice.
(42:10):
It's. Been nice.
Yeah, awesome. Well, thank you so much for
tuning in. Catch you next week.
See ya. Good chat.
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