July 20, 2025 • 45 mins
Ever blurted something out and instantly regretted it? Whether it's sarcasm, body image comments, or unspoken assumptions, clumsy conversations happen in every relationship. In this episode of Honey, We Need to Chat, Amy and Blair dive into the messy aftermath of words that land wrong, even when you didn’t mean it that way.
Using real Reddit stories, they explore what causes these misfires, how emotional baggage and burnout play a role, and what practical tools couples can use to repair and reconnect. From accidental “fat” comments to misreading your partner’s mood, this episode tackles the real-life communication traps couples fall into, and how to come out stronger.
🎙️ Inside the episode:
When your words don’t match your intention
How exhaustion & past experiences fuel misunderstandings
What to do when you’ve triggered your partner
Repair tools and reset scripts that actually work
Why tone, timing, and trauma all matter in conflict
Whether you're the one who said the wrong thing or the one who felt it, this episode will leave you encouraged, equipped, and just a little more self-aware.
➡️ Book a Free Clarity Session with Amy!
🎧 Listen wherever you get your podcasts.
📺 Watch on YouTube
📥 Get free tools + coaching support: honeyweneedtochat.com
clumsy communication, relationship advice, marriage podcast, reddit relationships, conflict repair, emotional triggers, miscommunication, relationship fights, how to say sorry, marriage tips, couples therapy tools, body image and partners, emotional labour in marriage, gender roles in relationships, reddit stories podcast, communication in marriage, podcast for couples, marriage struggles, unspoken resentment, reset scripts, emotional regulation, marriage repair, honesty in relationships 57. Oops, That Came Out Wrong | Repairing Hurtful Comments in Relationships. Reddit Stories
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:13):
Have you ever had a moment whereyour mouth moves faster than
your heart? You mean one thing, but your
words come out like a slap to the face?
Well, there's episodes for you. Over the last few episodes,
we've been talking about clumsy conversations and how easy it is
to miscommunicate. And today we're going to take
that one step further. We're going to be reading from
rated stories of people who accidentally said the wrong
thing. And we're going to be looking
at, well, where to from here. Because sometimes it's not what
(00:35):
you meant, but it's how it's landed.
So if you've ever thought to yourself, but that's not what I
meant, then there's episodes foryou.
Yes. So we're going to dive into
Reddit stories about this topic,real Reddit stories of people
accidentally implying or saying something they did not mean.
So welcome to Honey We need to Chat, the podcast all about
communication in relationship. We believe that when
communication dies, bad things happen.
(00:56):
And so we chat and we bring these things to the episodes and
we are chatting with the heart to try and strengthen
relationships. My name is Amy and this is my
husband Blair. Hello.
And usually Blair does this intro.
So I almost said my name is Blair and this is my wife Amy.
But Amy, this is Blair. Welcome.
Welcome had a lot of people joinus over the last few weeks.
And so we just want to say a bigwelcome to you.
(01:18):
Thank you so much for following on this journey and joining this
journey because as we grow and we discuss this, our heart and
prayers that you will too. So we want to do this together.
Thank you so much for joining and just do all the things, do
all the things like share, subscribe comments.
What another thing we love to dois we love to hear from you.
Yeah, so write in. We do listen to write write
(01:38):
insurance as well. So we've got another one coming
up next week where we're going to be.
We've had a write in and we're gonna be sharing about that and
giving our thoughts on that as well.
And also sometimes bringing somematerial for those that have
been here for a while. You know that Amy's also a life
coach and she works a lot with women on, you know, just
identifying their own stuff and working through their own
situation and understand that you're not stuck.
You have the tools that you needand you have the ability to work
(02:01):
through that. So we do that too on this
podcast. We just help navigate through
these different circumstances. So right in we'd love to hear
from. You.
Yeah. And we've got free resources on
the website to support you in this process as well.
Honey, we honey, we need chat.com.
I was gonna say www.againhoneyweneedachat.com
Lots of free resources to support you and your partner in
(02:21):
your navigating of communicationin your relationship.
And we also have some more exciting stuff coming up.
So check out the tubes on that, the YouTube, your tubes, look at
them, check them out and we'll, yeah, you'll see what's
happening there. But that's a secret.
All right, so let's dive into some Reddit story.
Let's get it. This first story is called I
Accidentally Hurt my Boyfriend'sFeelings and it's not what I
(02:43):
meant. My boyfriend, 30 male and I27
female have been together almosttwo years.
We live together in a small studio apartment and normally we
communicate really well. But yesterday I messed up and I
can't stop thinking about it. We're both burnt out, he's
finishing his PhD and I work full time in crisis services.
On top of that, I was raised in a very traditional household
where women did everything. Housework, emotional labour, you
(03:05):
name it. And that narrative still gets in
my head sometimes, even though Ihate it.
He does help. He carries a laundry up and down
three flights of stairs, takes out the trash and does about 30%
of the dishes, but I do the rest.
Most of the dishes, cooking, cleaning, tidying.
He turns off the hot water to save money so I can't do the
dishes unless he turns it back on, which stresses me out when I
come home to mess after work. Yesterday was a rough day, 40°,
(03:28):
emotionally exhausting at work and I walked into a pile of
dishes. I couldn't relax.
I change, started doing the dishes in cold water and started
sobbing. He asked if I was mad and I said
no, we just have different standards of cleanliness and I
have to resign myself to the fact that you don't like or want
to do these things and that's fine.
As soon as I said it, I felt bad.
Neither of us said anything for what felt like forever.
(03:48):
Then he got up and started to get laundry ready to takedown.
I told him he didn't have to do that right now, but then he said
no, it's fine, I don't want you to resign yourself to living a
life with me. It crushed him, he said it was
the most hurtful thing I've eversaid.
That's not what I meant. I meant that I was tired of
feeling like I had to become my mother, doing it all silently.
I apologise, explained, cried, who talked it through and
(04:09):
hugged. But there's still a heaviness
between us. How do I move forward?
How do I show him I still see what he does even if I slipped
up? This is a very common thing that
we see over the gender roles andthings, right?
So there's there is a culture shift that is happening where,
you know, a lot of men are looking at this situation of
like, well, I don't, I don't want you to do everything at
home. Like I want to be able to step
up in this way. But with that as well, you know,
(04:31):
you don't just change, you don'tjust do it right.
There's this element where you have to grow into that.
It's over really putting in solid habits and habits take
time to actually set in and all this sort of stuff.
You can see here she's exhausted, right, Emotionally
exhausted or just exhausted in general.
And the way that she's communicate could have come
across from him, but and we don't know his situation, but it
(04:53):
could be from the way that he's bonded, because it doesn't sound
like a very like it's not a she hasn't said something like
outrageously like hard to him, but you don't know what he's
already wrestling with. And it sounds like he's already
wrestled with something in this space where he's like, I've been
trying so hard in that area and it's I'm just failing, you know,
and now I'm, I'm, I'm not the man that I wanted to be.
(05:15):
I'm I'm this and that I I'm saying that through
conversations that we've had, I've had with other men, but
also just with myself, right. We have these expectations on
ourselves. And then it's it's just, yeah,
it sucks. It sucks to hear that.
I think the the painful part is she's implied accidentally that
she's resigned herself to a lifewith him.
Yeah. And that is a really hard thing
to hear, like your partner. So I feel like that would be.
(05:38):
Well, I feel like that's what I feel like this is kind of being,
I feel like it's kind of being, not exaggerated is the wrong
word, but it it feels blown up because she hasn't said that.
Like I don't read that. I'm like, I'll resign your way
to cleaning. I have to resign myself to the
fact that you don't like or wantto do these things, and that's
fine. That's what a life and that's
what I mean. Like, I feel like that's been
(05:59):
out of proportion and I feel like a lot of time that happens
is because that person is already wrestling with.
Something. Yes, and it's triggered.
More because I don't think she said anything drastic there.
It's interesting because I so obviously that she said they're
both burnt out and really, really tired.
And so when you are tired and, and you're already frustrated
about stuff, things come out of your mouth.
(06:21):
You don't have the philtre. But it's not just the philtre
doesn't mean that everything that comes out of your mouth is
accurate. It's just not filtered.
You also don't have the words and we spoke about that in the
last few episodes. Like you actually say words
wrong or you say them without thinking about the bigger
meaning or the implications or that kind of thing.
And so I think that's what's happened here.
It sounds like she's she said something out of an exhausted
(06:42):
place that is connected to her own fear.
And then like you said, he's received it on face value.
Obviously, he doesn't know the context of what she was trying
to communicate or how she's really feeling.
And then it's it's meant more tohim because of whatever he's
navigating and he's he's workingthrough.
I think when you're also, when you've seen a pattern within
your family and you have a deep fear of that repeating.
(07:03):
Yeah, everything that reinforcesthat is harder and harder.
And we've had that play out for us.
And for me, I resonate with thisstory a little bit because even
though so there's a few layers to it, One is the reality is
you're aware of a pattern that you're not happy with.
So automatically you're on the front foot, like you
automatically have a step ahead in terms of this pattern playing
(07:25):
out for you. Then your parents did because
you've seen it, you've recognised it.
And it can feel really disheartening because you can
start to see similar things, butalready you're ahead in terms of
that area because you're aware of it and you're not OK with it.
So that's, that's actually a benefit.
And then the flip side of that too, is everything that falls
(07:45):
into that category that kind of feels like it's reinforcing it
for you, feels bigger than it probably would look from an
outside perspective. So every little thing that she
has to do for him would feel bigger to her than it would
someone who didn't experience this growing up and didn't have
a fear of repeating this as an adult.
So you're inflating that mentally.
(08:06):
And then we don't even know because this is from her
perspective, what happens for him.
And I resonate with this becausemy dad was quite a like
beautiful man, but he struggled to regulate himself.
And so I spent a lot of my life trying to regulate him, which
really was not my role and I couldn't do realistically.
But as a kid and as a young adult, I, I felt like I had to
(08:28):
regulate him and make sure he was OK.
And if I didn't like the wrong thing, would push him over the
edge. And when you went through your
burnout, I had a couple times where I was like, you were
really struggling with your, your patients and your temper
and your reactions, especially mostly to the kids.
And I had a few moments where I was like, it would spark this
fear for me because I'm like, I did not sign up for having to do
(08:48):
this with my husband. Like, this is not what I wanted.
But I also then had to like, like, Blair is not my husband.
Blair is Blair is my husband. Blair is not my dad.
In so many ways. And including what I've just
said, we're already aware of these patterns and we're already
working on them to your like teachability and your desire to
better yourself and, and strengthen yourself and your
(09:10):
freedom in that is well beyond what my dad ever experienced.
And you were aware of that and owning that yourself.
But it didn't like, there was times where I was like, it was
quite triggering for me because I was, I was all connected to
this big story. It wasn't an accurate read of
the situation, but because of what I was carrying, it did
inflate it for me. And I know you've had the same
(09:32):
exact scenario was really triggering for you in terms of
your fatherhood and that kind ofthing because of your experience
too. So it's it is such a complicated
mess of factors. Does that play into it?
Yeah, and I think it's this is just such a clear example of
that. You know, again, she's she's
exhausted. She just said I have to settle
for your way of cleaning. He's taken that way further,
(09:53):
way, way further than just the cleaning.
That's like my whole life, you know.
You know you regret. Assigned an identity thing?
Yeah, a big a big story to it. And that's we've done that
episode on triggers as well, right?
Like, and then go check that oneout.
Like it's the triggers we bring to our responses is so much more
important to be aware of than werealised.
Well, then I realised, you know,when we first started dating and
(10:17):
being engaged and stuff was, yeah, we brought so much baggage
to those conversations. It wasn't just about the
conversation we're having or about the topic, the issue that
we're trying to navigate throughthose all these other things
that we brought to that and we had to also navigate through.
And that was the beauty of, of being the beauty of, you know,
nearly eleven years of marriage of like we have had to work
(10:37):
through that. We've had to be very intentional
with that. We've had to get professional
help at times. We've had to just be, you know,
intentional with ourselves and and our individual selves and
what we bring to it as well. So I could just see that
trigger. And we don't, we don't see that.
We don't see the specifics of it, but we see it in the
reaction, Yeah. Yeah, totally true.
And I, I think one thing as wellis it's interesting that she's
(10:59):
saying I have to resign myself to this.
Obviously like we've just said she didn't mean what she was
saying with the the depth of what it implied.
But when you're like this is like a little, it's not a pet
peeve, but it's just like a concerning pattern.
I see if you're seeing somethingyou're not happy with, you need
to communicate about it like youneed.
It's not, it's not a matter of like, oh, I guess this is just
(11:19):
how it's going to be like you'renot at the mercy of things just
falling into place. And we've talked about that that
as well in our episodes where wewere talking about the unspoken
contracts. We do, we do build patterns and
rhythms and, and we fall into ruts in relationships because
you don't want to constantly be like having to monitor
everything you're doing when you're living with someone 24/7.
That's not how we live. But when you find yourself not
(11:42):
feeling satisfied with something, you are free and
should communicate how you're feeling about that.
And I think potentially this is,this is that coming out in a not
in a clumsy way or trying to communicate about this.
And it's just, it's instead of her saying, hey, I'm really
struggling with this, can you help me?
She's she's made like a comment about what her life is with him.
So it's not come out in a constructive way.
(12:03):
But you're not stuck there. Like the only way that people
that are strong relationships down the track that you can see
and observe, the only way they became strong was by having
these conversations along the way.
None of them just fell into thisamazing relationship that was so
smooth and easy. Like none of them.
In fact, the only people that fell into a pattern in a
relationship and never had to change it were the ones are the
(12:24):
ones that are not strong. So if you're finding this for
one, just like communicate aboutit, you're not stuck. 2 This is
actually a really good opportunity, even though it's
you both like, you know, there'sa heaviness, she said, and then
she said they talked about it. The heaviness might be there
because you're still working on those triggers and they are
painful. It's like a wound, right?
Like it's, it's like a sore thatsits there and it's not healed
yet. So of course it's painful.
(12:45):
Even when you've kind of like worked through it, it's gonna
still have residual pain. It might take a few days to kind
of feel the lightness again. But this is a perfect
opportunity to be like, this is where it came from for me.
I, I was really not happy with the pattern that I saw with my
parents. And I've always wanted a
different dynamic for my relationship.
So when I see these things, it makes me nervous.
And that's where that comes from.
(13:07):
And then opportunity for opportunity for him to explain
the same side of whatever it is that's going on for him that
again, we don't know. This is why that was such a cut
for me because I, I've been trying really hard to be
different to my dad or I've beentrying really hard to, to help
you and, and I've done a lot of work and I feel like you just
kind of slapped me in the face with none of it means anything,
whatever that is. It's actually painful but
(13:29):
beautiful opportunity to talk about.
South some ways they could repair on from this scenario
here is she might need some space to dig deeper and
understanding and identifying the fear that she might be going
through in that scenario. So again, hypothetically,
because we don't know them and you know, she might be scared of
becoming like her mum, whatever that means, like whatever that
looks like, we don't know for him, it might mean he needs to
(13:50):
separate intent from impacts. But she wasn't attacking him
directly. She was overwhelmed, you know,
and that was a a product of her overwhelmness.
So, you know, we talk a lot about having an attitude of
curiosity, being curious into that space of like, all right,
well, obviously she's overwhelmed or this is out of
character. Why is that?
So rather than just going straight to a fence, having an
(14:11):
attitude of curiosity, there might be a fence there, but it's
like not letting that rule you like digging deeper.
And that's where we're being safe for each other as well.
And the other part is they coulduse a quick reset script that
we've spoken about too that cameout wrong.
Can I try again? It's just a simple phrase.
And these are things that you'regoing to implement over time.
You need to remember that. That's the habits I was talking
(14:32):
about earlier. Habits take time, you know, and
being aware of these scripts take time.
For that to be natural takes time, but you just didn't be
intentional with those habits and and it will be a great
impact. Another thing too is it's like,
it doesn't need to stop here, right?
Like, so just keep exploring that.
The commitment to exploring it is so much greater.
She was asking the question likethere's a little bit of
(14:52):
attention or whatever word she used before.
It's still there. It's like, great, don't now
ignore it. Address it.
Like go on a date, go away, makeit nice.
Like if the environment's stressed, the conversation would
be stressed. If the environment's nice,
you're a lot more open to just working through something in a
more positive way. So just keep keep exploring
(15:14):
that. Keep digging into it.
Like actually like this is now something I've identified.
I don't want to stay there. If we've got tension, I don't
want to stay there. Like what can we do better next
time and how can we actually help work this that there isn't
this fear that you have now thatI actually think this or you
know, we have better script to work navigate through those
circumstances together. Yeah, it's so funny because when
(15:36):
I hear stories like this, like Iknow that someone could say
something hurtful and then like,I did not mean it that way.
I meant this. I think my, if I'm honest, my
deep down inside, I'd be like, yeah, but you still said it.
So you did mean it that. Yeah.
And that's what I really struggle with.
We've had that a lot, yeah, eventhrough jokes and stuff like
that. And I've had to be like, I've
had to keep on reassuring you. Like, no, I genuinely, I was a
(15:57):
stupid comment. Like it.
I shouldn't have said it. There was no meaning behind it.
Yeah. I think it might be a
personality thing because I spent a lot of time being very
trying to be not always like I definitely have made mistakes in
how I've said things. I try to be very clear in what
I'm saying. Yeah.
And so when someone else says something in my head, I'm like,
well, they've gone about it the same.
Like they know what they're saying, but you like you think
(16:20):
out like you think out your thoughts.
I. Process out loud.
It's not like you've haven't like just drawn on it.
Well, that's the thing though, and that's a part of again, the
scripture we've come up with is.I have to say that though, if
that's what I'm doing if. I'm processing out loud like.
I have to say that I actually said that in a team meeting
yesterday with work. I'm like, I'm literally just
repeating everything you guys have said.
(16:41):
I just need to process this out loud to understand what we're
talking about and the strategy that we're putting in place.
And then they're all like, oh, cool, yeah, 'cause before that
they'll be like, dude, I just said that.
I'm like I know I'm just, I'm just working.
I'm not taking your ideas. I'm not.
If we did this, yeah, yeah. I take that people's jokes and
do that, but not that. Yeah, all the time it makes on.
Purpose though, yeah, it doesn't.
(17:02):
It makes it very funny. But again, this is the
intentionality part that we're talking about.
We're identifying the needs thatwe have in that scenario so we
can do it better next time 'cause it's not gonna stop like
you're not gonna just like all of a sudden stop reacting when
you're overwhelmed. You're going to do that.
It's gonna take that, you know the the the continual journey of
of working together on doing a. Better next time.
(17:22):
Yeah, exactly. Sorry.
Our dog is so fluffy. There's fluff everywhere in our
house. I think as well.
If you're someone like me, that's really that you really
struggled. So yeah, I can logically
understand what you're saying and I can understand you didn't
intend it. But in my heart, I still, I'm
like, I still think you meant it.
And you just don't know how to, like, connect the two because
that's what I wrestle with a lot.
I think one way is, you know, your relationship and you you
(17:43):
pick up the patterns, right? So like you have to be able to
have grace with somebody. If something happens like this
and you have grace and like, I don't understand how you didn't
mean it, but I'm just going to take your word for it and allow
yourself to release that while also monitoring your patterns.
Like, and if, if that same script keeps coming out or those
same stories keep coming out, then maybe then you're more
valid in being like, but you keep saying this in different
(18:06):
ways. That can be like you're, you're
like, oh, no, there's something else going on.
If it's something they say and then they never repeat that kind
of a thing, it's pretty indicative that that's not
actually related to how they're feeling about it.
It's just, it is just a mistake and something they said
incorrectly or they didn't mean to imply what they implied.
And so just having kind of a like allowing yourself to
release it until you have further evidence.
(18:27):
Not that you're always waiting for that evidence, but just
unless something else comes up, you're allowing yourself to
release it. Because that's what I struggle
with is holding this story and then and then everything builds
from that story instead of taking your word for it and
allowing you to be trusted in that space.
Anyway, we're going to move on to two stories that are very
similar. So I might try and we might not
like spend too much time on themas individuals, but this is such
(18:49):
a like this poor. Anyway, I'm just going to I
read. This title and straight away
like. Yeah, we've talked about,
there's been a few of these stories on the podcast
previously and every time it's just like, but some of them are
more intentional than others. You don't know what we're
talking about so. Let's talk about it.
I think I messed up by accidentally calling my
girlfriend fat. I've been dating my girlfriend,
(19:12):
let's call her Mary for about a month now and while texting my
mom she asked what Mary looks like.
I asked Mary if she had a picture without a philtre on
hand and since she didn't we were just going to take one.
I snapped a picture and was justgoing to send it since it's I
thought it looked fine then didn't want to have to take 10
more. This is where I made my mistake.
Mary asked to see the picture and after viewing it she said I
look fat in this one and being an idiot hoping not to have to
(19:35):
take another picture, I said taking another one, fix that.
No. Taking another won't fix that.
In hindsight I should have said something along the lines of no
you don't, but I'm just in a rush to just send my mom a
picture and once again I'm an idiot.
The look of shock on Mary's faceas the words left my mouth told
me I'd said something wrong and immediately try to formulate an
(19:58):
apology. But my simple mind can't seem to
figure out what to apologise for.
So I said, what did I just say? Just to clarify, I'm I'm
laughing 'cause it's so bad. No, no, I would not do that.
It's so bad. It's just such a big no no.
It's such a big no no. That obviously was just like so
accidental. Anyway, try to figure out what
to apologise for. So I asked her what did I just
(20:18):
say? And Mary informs me that I just
called her fat. This is where my second mistake
comes into play. Seeing as I misread the severity
of what I had just implied and thinking she's not being
serious, I replied with well, yeah.
That's. This has been followed up with
many apologies, an explanation of how stupid I am, and over
half an hour of silent treatment.
(20:39):
I'm currently sitting in my car with no idea how to fix this.
Our time machine, bro. Time Machine.
So he was rushing and he was in logic mode.
He was totally not in implication mode.
I think one of the the reasons why, well, there's many reasons
why I wouldn't say this, but I think one of the main reasons it
stands out to me why I'm like, we talk about it so much with
(21:00):
our kids. Not saying that.
Not saying fact like, you know, not describing thing people or
animals or whatever is fat. It's like fat is a thing.
Like it's actually like in actual enough.
It's a name for a thing. What is that substance?
It's a it's. A thing.
It's a thing. And so we've, we're so
intentional with teaching our kids that because we don't want
them, because they have before, like they've seen someone,
(21:22):
they're like, oh, they're so big, in other words.
And we're like, you just don't comment on that.
You don't comment on people's appearances like that, you know?
And so, yeah, I think that's just when this stands out.
I'm like, dude, I could see our kids saying this.
And so just shocks me when I seean adult and say this too well.
Like he didn't say the word though.
No, he just didn't. No, no, no, he just.
(21:44):
He just reinforced her seeing that.
I think he was rushing. They're new in their
relationship. They've only been dating for
about a month. He was rushing.
He probably doesn't understand her insecurities and what it's
behind that. And I don't know how many
girlfriends he's had. I don't think it says how old
they are either. He's seeing his car, so he's old
enough to drive. Yeah.
And I can just picture like, youknow, when it's not a healthy
(22:06):
way of doing it, but she's kind of put a bid out there in terms
of like, I look fat and she's put that bid out there.
And then he's not constructivelynavigated that.
So she's kind of, you know, looking for reassurance in some
ways by saying it. It's because if she, if she
wasn't, I think she would say, oh, can we just take another
one? I don't like that or like
something. So I think she, I think there is
(22:27):
a little bit of like trying to see how he feels about it or
trying to be reassured that she's not or I don't know,
whatever is going on for her there, there's obviously an
insecurity there, there and she's put that out there and he
has had absolutely no idea. Yeah, and that's like early on
in a in a relationship too. Like that's that's probably
gonna be more regular. Well, no, regular.
The the the, the, the big putting out there, right.
(22:47):
Like it's gonna be she's testing, she's exploring.
She's like only a month, like far out.
Like, yeah, you know, there's somuch.
I mean, I I know, I think I'm just in shock still.
The part, yeah, second hand's embarrassment, but the part I'm
like, oh dude, like you gotta besmarter than that, is the.
Well, yeah. Yeah, the well, yeah, I don't
understand. The the first part I'm like, OK,
that's cringe. But I get yeah, he's like just
(23:09):
logic mode and not relationship mode or thinking mode, whatever.
But the world, yeah, is is. I think he, I think if I
understand correctly, he he tookit as her joking.
Like, you've just called me fat.And he's like, well, yeah, like,
as a complete joke. Yeah, I know.
And but that's again, I think because we're so intentional
with our kids, I'm like, you don't even make that joke.
Like you just stay so far away from.
That people with insecurities, well, not even just you don't
(23:31):
have to have a deep insecurity for that to be offensive, but
people with securities will takethat and be like, there's a
truth to what you're saying. Like I said, that's what I
struggle with. Like there's a bit of truth
behind what you're saying right now.
Yeah, but we have our own insecurities, right?
Like this wouldn't, I wouldn't find this insecure.
Like I don't have this sort of insecurity, right?
Like I'm not the thinnest person, but I'm I'm not insecure
(23:52):
about my weight, right? And like it doesn't affect me as
much as it obviously effects her.
But there's other areas for you where it's like, no, that's a no
go zone. Like you don't joke about that
sort of stuff with me because that is a trigger.
Like, that's that. I do have those insecurities
these in other areas and you know that.
And you know that because of, you know, nearly eleven years of
marriage. But this one in general, I feel
like you just don't do with women.
(24:13):
Yeah. Like you just do not make you.
Should just not do it with anybody but yes but.
Like I feel like there's gonna be way more triggers with women
in this area than than guys, butthere are guys that would be
triggering this too. Like, yeah, yeah.
Because in my head I'm like, if,if this was me, if I was really,
really not, if you had no inclination that I was
overweight, then you would say no, you don't like the fact that
you didn't say no, you don't like, that's stupid.
(24:34):
Immediately would be like, see, yeah.
So it just is messy. Yeah, it's such a tricky 1 to
navigate through like because even, you know, let's let's move
away from just regular, you know, body image when you were
pregnant was even another another level of sensitivity,
right, Because you were definitely obviously bigger.
Sorry, I didn't mean to say definitely you were pregnant.
(24:54):
You were obviously bigger, right.
But there's this whole, there's this like line when you were
pregnant for the first time thatstood out to me from liar liar
when he explains about when his ex wife would say like, you
know, when mommy asked me if I look, if she looked fat and
said, yeah, you look like a cow.Do you know that in the light?
I don't even. I've only ever seen it like
once. Once.
Yeah, I'll probably have seen it.
My parents used to watch it but I I haven't seen it as an adult.
(25:16):
Anyway, I don't remember the line specifically like the word
for word, but I remember when you were pregnant for the first.
I'm like, yeah, I can't just say.
You look like a cow. You.
Look like a cow or like, yeah, you do look fat, but it's like
it's yeah, 'cause it's, it was. Saying I looked like a.
Cow, sorry, this, No, it's, but my point is, is like even in the
those moments, you know, pregnancy is such a natural,
(25:37):
you're going to get bigger. You've got a whole other human
name. You still navigate that gently,
and you still never get that because you would have comments
where like, moments where you felt insecure because of your
baby bump. And it was like, yeah, well, I'm
not going to say like, yeah. Even when there's like a reason
like a totally. Thank you.
This is so hard to talk about. It is and this is the clumsy
conversation. It is like, I know that I can
(25:59):
have this conversation with Amy and she completely understands
what I mean. But like now, navigating
through, knowing that other people listening, it's so much
harder. I will make it a real about you
saying how I couldn't just say you looked like a cow.
Yeah, true. I understand what you're saying.
Even when there's like a completely separate to your
identity reason that you would be looking this way, you still
(26:19):
navigated it gently. Yeah, man, that's just like that
just causes a sweat. That conversation in general.
Don't talk about your body image.
Just don't do. It it's gonna get worse.
Yeah. Second one, I-25 male may have
accidentally called my girlfriend 24 female fat.
The title says I may have implied it.
My girlfriend and I were having a lovely conversation over text
about absolutely nothing in particular and eventually
(26:40):
stumbled into the topic of the gym.
I brought up that I was feeling a little skinny, to which she
replied I can't relate. My stupid brain then decided to
say skinny ain't all that. I like you, what do I do now?
I legitimately didn't mean it like that as I believe she's
absolutely perfect the way she is.
I think sometimes girls overestimate how skinny they
(27:02):
need to be to be attractive and I wouldn't want my partner to
have to have that standard in her mind.
That's why I said it, but I justcompletely came out wrong.
I really do think she's so amazingly attractive right now.
If she really did want to focus on the gym, I'd support her
there too. How have I messed up this bad
with good intentions? And then he's got an edit says
thanks for all the advice. Seems I've found the good side
(27:23):
of Reddit here, which is not common, not.
Common at all A. Lot of the advice was echoing
the same sentiment of not being a big deal.
Don't worry if it is, just explain yourself.
So I'll be acting on that. Was especially nice to hear
stories of how people's husbandsdid something similar in the
early stages. Thanks again, ladies and
gentlemen. So this one's less like this
one. You can really see what was
sitting behind that I. Just like I, I don't even know
(27:45):
what to say now because it's, I just get it.
It's so hard to navigate througha lot of these, especially this
area. It's so hard to navigate through
from man Yeah. To know how to say in the right
way that it's not offensive because again, there's so many
insecurities around that. And we keep talking about like
even in the first story, three years have so much.
It just puts a whole other philtre of what you've said in
(28:08):
in the words that you've used. It's like a minefield.
Aware of it, yeah. You're literally walking through
a minefield. So I was thinking with this one,
I totally agree with him. Like we back in when we were
teenagers, like early teenagers,the really skinny model look was
in like really, really skinny. And it was definitely before the
Kardashians type of vibe. And in my head as a teenage
(28:28):
girl, you had to be skinny to beattractive.
And so that's what I strive for.And now I feel differently about
it. Like that's not what I'm driving
like striving for. It's just, I just want to feel
more healthy. Like playing that out.
He, he is 100% right. And he, what he's trying to
express is it's actually, it doesn't like you don't have to
be a certain amount of skinny tobe attractive.
(28:50):
Like you're attractive as you are now, but even saying that is
a minefield because if she's insecure about it, which we
don't actually know because did she, did he say how she reacted?
No, so we don't, we don't know how she's felt.
I think he's freaking out. I'm not sure that we've seen
like the other side of the conversation yet.
If she's insecure about her weight, even hearing him say
skinny is really not that important for attractiveness.
(29:13):
And like, I, I like you the way that you are.
Then she might still, even though his, like, intentions are
there and you can hear what he'ssaying, she might still be like,
so you're implying I'm not skinny.
And that can still be so closelytied into insecurity that it
would still be a trigger. So it's, it is such a
complicated topic. I think the safe route is always
to be like, you are perfect the way you are, like just to keep
(29:33):
it off. Yeah.
Any kind of judgement or any kind of comment about it.
Yeah, So how to repair that though, like again, time time
machine. No, that's not true.
Like because I've, you know, we've had different
conversations over our marriage about health, right?
And I've even now like we're talking about nutrition or
exercise and the benefits and all that sort of stuff, because
(29:53):
we've been on different journeyswith that.
And like even bringing that up, you've got to be so gentle and
careful. And again, it's not about just
communicating your point that you've really got to take into
mind, you know, how the other person will receive.
And so something we, we've got to navigate through, but it's a
commitment to navigating throughit.
And so with this as well, it's again, just just clarifying like
(30:15):
it's like, no, I didn't mean that.
Like if we take the second example, I just don't want you
to feel like you need to change.You know what I mean?
Like, so that's something that'sreally important, really
emphasising what did you actually mean rather than trying
to come out with all these otherexcuses.
Just being clear. I didn't mean you like to call
admit to come across this way. I just want you to know that I
(30:36):
don't think you need to change, right?
Like that's really, really important because I think that's
what a lot of people are wantingwhen they do put that out there,
no matter what the insecurity is, it's that comfort, It's that
safe. It's that you love me for me,
not over these things, right? Like it's.
So it's just that test. No, a test is the wrong word.
It's that. It's a bid, it's a bid to see
where your partner's at and how they feel about you.
(30:58):
And yeah, you're putting yourself out there to then be
received in some way. And I think as well, like I
really love this whole body positive language or body
neutrality is kind of something that I'm trying to bring into
the family or like we, we've been doing with the kids and
that sort of thing. Like your body is one part of
you and it is an important part of you.
But in the world or from like media that has been inflated to
(31:22):
the most important part of you, which is just so not accurate
because how you look is like 1 dimension of who you are.
And you could be a horrible person and look incredible
objectively or the same person that someone finds super
attractive, someone else might not.
So it's also like, is it subjective or objective?
Never get that right. It's all based on people's own
personal experience. And so there's a beauty in being
(31:45):
neutral about like finding people's value outside of their
body because there'll be enough pressure about their body.
They don't need to like that work.
That will be be enough from external stuff.
You don't even need to try and like navigate that within your
family necessarily because they'll get that from elsewhere.
But if you can really enforce this like the value of somebody
outside of their looks, then that's I feel like that's where
(32:05):
the gold is because that helps with the more balance in terms
of that sort of stuff. So even for them, him expressing
this is what I meant and also expressing like he's trying to
bring in these rejects like the toxic body image stuff,
terminology or thoughts or whatever.
So he could even be like, I don't like that area of life,
like I don't like that pressure.So that's why I'm talking like
this. And this is how we should like,
(32:27):
this is how I'd love for us to be talking in our relationship
and having. It's actually a cool opportunity
to have that, like establish what you guys want in your
dynamic as how you'll navigate those things.
Because they're they're dating at the moment.
Eventually they might have a family and then it's going to be
important how they what stance they take on that too.
Yeah, I think this guy's just accidentally stumbled into
(32:47):
something that and maybe she's not that stressed about it.
We'll see or we won't see, but he'll see.
But definitely another one of those like, oh.
So we're gonna get to the last story soon, but it's gonna take
a moment and say, if you are notfollowing us across YouTube,
Instagram, Tiktok's book, go on there, follow us on there.
Because this podcast is only oneelement of what we're doing here
on honeymoon to chat. We, we've got a lot of different
(33:08):
resources that come out. We've got a lot of different
tips and tricks and stuff. So don't miss out on that.
We've also got some exciting stuff coming, a new venture
coming your way. So please go over there.
We just want you to miss out. Again, this podcast is one
element. We want to be bringing resources
and material to you and your relationships and your you as an
individual to better strengthen your communication games.
(33:31):
So head on over. We're at Honey, we need to chat
on all of those platforms. Click to follow and we'll see
you there. Alrighty last one, me 23 female
and my husband 23 male are misunderstanding each other and
I don't know how else to explainit to him.
Hi, obligatory disclaimer that this is my first ever post so
I'm sorry for any bad formattingwhich you won't see and I or
stumble through. My husband and I got into a
(33:52):
disagreement earlier this afternoon and escalated to the
point of him calling me toxic, so I'd like some advice on how
to better express to him how I'mfeeling.
Early this afternoon we bought home a heavy item that we had
just purchased and we were with my parents.
My dad was helping my husband Jay unload it when he opened my
door and told me to give him thekeys.
I asked him why he needed them and he took them from my hand,
(34:13):
looked at me and then closed thecar door again without saying
anything. This made me irritated but I let
it go when I got out of the car.Then later after we got
everything unloaded and my parents had left, he walked into
the office where I was on my computer and said.
I feel like you've been upset all day, are you OK?
Is there something we need to talk about?
This irritated me because I'd actually had a pretty good day
so far. I got to hang out with my
(34:34):
parents and we just purchased something that we were both
excited about. I honestly can't remember what I
said but he did walk away after that so I just continued playing
my game. After a while I got up and went
out to the garage to talk to him.
His talk was a pretty standard disagreement for us but after
about 5 minutes I realised we were just going in circles so I
went back inside. After around 30 minutes he comes
inside and sits down in front ofmy desk and said it's toxic that
(34:55):
you're getting upset with me forjust trying to check on you.
I kept trying to tell him that wasn't what was upsetting me and
that I just felt like he was telling me how I was feeling.
That the part I was mad about was that he said you've been
upset all day when I very clearly hadn't been.
Later when I asked what instances I was upset he only
listed 3, two of which we'd already talked about, then got
upset and said I'm not going to memorise everything you do that
(35:16):
irritates me. Am I wrong to be upset by this?
It's a total vibe killer when someone says that to you.
It's like telling someone who's acting normal that they're angry
about something. Anyway, it's like he thinks I'm
somehow mad at him for asking meif I'm OK and that's just not
the case. He kept saying things like well
what should I say to check up onyou then?
Or it's just toxic for you to beupset at me for trying to check
(35:37):
on you. I really don't know what to do
here. He just left to go to the gym
and we'll probably be back in two hours.
How do I de escalate the situation without invalidating
either of our feelings? Thanks in advance.
Yes, straight away it's the assumption, right?
If this is an example of a very layered conversation where?
Yeah. It's like, where do you start
with it? Yeah.
Because it's now not a conversation about what was
happening. It's a conversation about how it
(35:59):
was said about what was happening.
And then it's a conversation about how it was said, about
what was said about what was happening.
So you're actually ending up arguing about something that's
got nothing to do with the conversation.
Like the issue at hand. And this is common, like this
happens a lot. We find ourselves when we're
having these clumsy conversations, having
disagreements or hurt or whatever because of how it came
(36:19):
out, not about what was trying to be communicated.
And so you missed the whole point and you end up looping
like she said, because you're both trying to like explain or
you're both trying to. Also we're not validate, but
you're trying to. You validate your point of.
View. Validate your point of view or
validate your frustrations abouthow it was said.
Yeah. And, and like we, we've had
(36:39):
those moments a lot, right? We've had those moments so many
times where we talk more about. So an issue comes up and then
we're like, yeah, but you do that and you do this.
And it's like, yeah, but you're saying this now and we're.
Just. Yeah.
And so we, we, we honestly just go, all right, we have gone way
off topic, Let's stop. When we come back, it's usually
about, I think I started going off on a tangent because of
(37:01):
this. Like I was feeling this and then
I got my guard up and that's where I think it needs to go.
So it's not it's, it's like you're going to have those
moments. We we have those moments.
It's not about you don't have those moments.
And as a way to not have those moments, you have them.
But then it's like, well, how doyou come back and repair that
afterwards? And that's what's really
important. So first, well, where he's come
here, it does. It comes across like he's
(37:23):
assuming this is what she's feeling.
And another thing I was thinkingof when you're speaking is when
you always ask me if I'm OK. And we've talked about this
before, but you're like, you're like, are you, are you all
right? I'm like, yeah.
And you're like, Are you sure you're all right?
I'm like, yes. And then now I'm frustrated
because you keep on asking me where, you know, now we've
started getting to a bit more ofa habit because I I ask you too.
I'm like, are you OK? And then I go through my
(37:45):
different things. It's like, all right, there's
something going on. It could be that you, it could
be that you're upset about something, or it could be that
you're feeling low, or it could be that you're distracted, or it
could, there's so many could be.And so rather than assuming what
it is, it's that attitude of curiosity and saying like, are
you OK? You might say yes and I'll go,
what are you feeling? And then you might be like, I
(38:05):
don't know, or what are you thinking?
Oh, it's this or whatever, you know.
So it's then I go through these different questions of asking to
explore that rather than just jump to this is what the issue
is because 90% of the time it's not that.
Yeah, what you would assume it is.
Yeah. Yeah, exactly.
Assume assume. Yeah, we've been bullied on
YouTube for this assume. It was that's so common because
(38:28):
I think a lot of the time when you feel something's off, you're
not incorrect. So a lot of the times when I'm
asking you over and over and over, are you OK, There is
actually something that you're stressed about or processing or
you're like whatever, but you'renot, it's not like, yeah, I'm
frustrated about. It's not like a I'm ready to
have this conversation. It's kind of like when you're
trying to pop a zip and it's notready.
It's not that's. A very great analogy.
(38:49):
Still tell that it's irritated and so and that's sort of it by.
But as the person that's like, especially because I have grown
up hyper vigilant to like how people are feeling can pick up
on things. Sometimes they exist, sometimes
they don't. And it does really kind of sit
there in my head and I build a story about it.
And so that's why I'll be like, are you OK?
Yeah. And then there's a whole story
(39:10):
about what's happening or not happening.
But it is I like what you do, which is what you've just said.
Like what are you feeling? What are you thinking?
Are you processing anything? Sometimes I don't even know that
I'm processing though, like it'ssort of at the back of my mind
and I'm still trying to figure out what's going on.
So if you keep on asking me, I don't.
I've got nothing to give you. Yeah, but I don't know what I
could communicate in that time. Sometimes I'm just like, look,
(39:31):
I'm just waking up. I haven't had a coffee.
Like I'm, I'm just tired or likesometimes it's just genuine.
I'm not bubbly, right? Like and that's, and that's
solid and valid. A lot of times I come back and
like, actually it's this. It's this.
And now I've I've had that time.99% of the time it's got nothing
to do with me, it's usually workor like something.
But I think one thing I have really, really tried to
(39:53):
implement recently is what I've said a couple times on here,
which is taking your word for itand release my ownership of it.
Because if someone's not OK, youcan't make them OK.
And if you're someone like me who has a history of trying to
make them OK or trying to carry whatever, whatever that is for
you, it can be a really like someone's not OK.
(40:16):
You can tell something's off, they've said they're fine.
And then you're like, I don't know what to do.
And it just really can throw you.
And so I've tried to practise recently just being like, if
you've said you're OK, I need totrust it, You're OK.
Like I've put it out there, I need to trust it.
And release inside the need to get to the bottom of it or the
need to fix it for you not to. Then never bring it up again.
(40:37):
Like you don't just float aroundwith your partner noticing
something's off and you never bring it up because they've said
they're OK one time. But just, you know, releasing
some of that, like obsessivenessof it or something.
Because I can't, there's nothingI can do that's going to make
you OK if you're not willing to tell me what's going on or
you're not able to or whatever is happening to.
So instead of it becoming an obsessive thing, I'm trying hard
(40:58):
to just be like, he said that he's OK so I'm just going to let
him either be OK or figure out that he's not and come and talk
to me when he's ready. Yeah, yeah.
I think this is it's interestingbecause so she said she got
irritated. So the first instance is he I
don't even understand really what this a lot of this story I
don't fully understand, but he opened the car door and asked
for the keys and she gave it to him and said what do you need
(41:20):
them for? And he didn't say anything and
close the door on her again. And so I think and she was
irritated then, but she got overit.
She said. So in my thinking, he's probably
noticed a vibe there or he's just noticed that that
interaction was off, or maybe hewas already in a mood because he
didn't say anything. So maybe there's a few things
that were happening for him, a story playing out for him.
So when he comes and says, I feel like you've been off or I
(41:40):
feel like you've been mad at me all day, he's got this.
He's probably got a context for that.
He's probably got something he'sbuilt it from.
And so then, but instead she's reacting like, I don't want to
be told how I'm feeling, like I don't want to be.
I don't want you to just assume what I'm feeling and then put it
on me. And that's irritated her.
And like we talked about in the first story, I feel like there's
more triggers happening here. I wonder patterns or something.
(42:02):
Yeah, I was gonna say because weonly get like a like a small
snippet of these conversations. And I wonder if this is an
ongoing thing, right? Like, and now it's sort of blown
up and she's like, all right, go, go, go Reddit and talk about
this one scenario. I'm like, I don't actually think
it's a one scenario. No, not at all.
I definitely can see this being a pattern.
Maybe this is how they navigate conflict and maybe she actually
(42:22):
was more frustrated. So some people navigate conflict
by getting really frustrated and, and they shoo on things and
they just like stick there and it gets stuck in their head.
Some people I think almost go the opposite and they try to
push it away and push it away. And so if she's feeling a weird
vibe and then she's like, but I got over it because I got to
spend time with my parents and then I was playing my game.
Then maybe she's also not super aware of what like she might be
(42:43):
pushing away some of the the offvibe that's going on there as
well. So both of them are missing each
other basically as a point. And then she's gone out and had
this conversation with him again.
She also kept playing her game after he came and talked to her
too. So I feel like there's a couple
things in there. I can see how these situations
could be twisted in each other'sminds.
These situations are open to miscommunication through tone or
(43:06):
miscommunication through losing track of what you're even
talking about and then ending upin this complicated knot where
you're like, I don't even know how we got here.
And like you said, that's where we've practised just being like,
all right, I think I don't know how we got here.
I think I was just, I'm tired and this is what happened or I
noticed you were off and I, I, to me, it just felt like you
were getting mad at me for no reason.
(43:27):
You wouldn't tell me what it waslike coming back to the core of
what's happening for you. And it kind of, it doesn't make
everything else OK, but it does.I'm not some of those
complicated parts that sometimesfollow.
Oh, the joys of communicata. So a couple of repair points,
like we just said, I'm not some of those things get back to the
core of it. Instead of him coming in, if she
(43:48):
really doesn't like being told what she's feeling, he could
learn that she doesn't. That's something that's not
helpful for her. And so instead of saying you've
been mad at me all day, ask the question.
Ask the question and say I've I'm picking up something not
right. Are you OK?
Yeah. Is there something off?
And then again, learning to trust.
If she says no, everything is fine.
Trust that. And then she might also then be
(44:11):
able to have to, to recognise when he's trying to pick up if
something's off. She could say, I know you're
trying to check in, but that wayyou've said it has thrown me.
So I know you're trying to checkin with me.
And I love that. It's just that something about
how you went about it has reallytriggered me recognising her own
reaction there and then creatingsort of that like safe check in.
(44:32):
That does work for them, whatever that might be.
But for us, it's like, what are you thinking about?
What are you feeling? Those kinds of things.
Another example is how, how's your inside world?
Like how's your inner world going?
What's happening for you? Whatever works for them that
doesn't trigger them or make them frustrated.
Unpicking some of that and just getting back to the core.
They're also young, young, married.
So they're they're probably still just learning what even
(44:53):
for themselves. I.
Was gonna say that a big part of, of this is, is understanding
ourselves too, is if the more weunderstand ourselves, the more
we can communicate our needs. Yeah.
And that's a big part of it. That's a big part of going, you
know, growing in a relationship is, you know what you need, but
you know what the other person needs and you grow together.
Yeah. It's a commitment to that
growth. All right, well, this is some
Reddit stories on clumsy conversations.
(45:15):
Thanks for joining us, guys. Some ways to repair.
Everybody has them in different ways.
Everybody has these clumsy conversations, so it's nice to
see some real life examples. Thank you again for being here.
We've really appreciated your support.
Really excited to welcome the new people.
Yeah, so. Many.
Love. It welcome.
Love it and continue to join us.We would love that.
And make sure you're following us on the platforms because
(45:36):
we've got some exciting stuff. Yeah, All right.
Thanks guys. Good chat.
Have you ever had a moment whereyour mouth moves faster than
your heart? You mean one thing, but your
words come out like a slap to the face?
Well, there's episodes for you. Over the last few episodes,
we've been talking about clumsy conversations and how easy it is
to miscommunicate. And today we're going to take
that one step further. We're going to be reading from
rated stories of people who accidentally said the wrong
thing. And we're going to be looking
at, well, where to from here. Because sometimes it's not what
(00:35):
you meant, but it's how it's landed.
So if you've ever thought to yourself, but that's not what I
meant, then there's episodes foryou.
Yes. So we're going to dive into
Reddit stories about this topic,real Reddit stories of people
accidentally implying or saying something they did not mean.
So welcome to Honey We need to Chat, the podcast all about
communication in relationship. We believe that when
communication dies, bad things happen.
(00:56):
And so we chat and we bring these things to the episodes and
we are chatting with the heart to try and strengthen
relationships. My name is Amy and this is my
husband Blair. Hello.
And usually Blair does this intro.
So I almost said my name is Blair and this is my wife Amy.
But Amy, this is Blair. Welcome.
Welcome had a lot of people joinus over the last few weeks.
And so we just want to say a bigwelcome to you.
(01:18):
Thank you so much for following on this journey and joining this
journey because as we grow and we discuss this, our heart and
prayers that you will too. So we want to do this together.
Thank you so much for joining and just do all the things, do
all the things like share, subscribe comments.
What another thing we love to dois we love to hear from you.
Yeah, so write in. We do listen to write write
(01:38):
insurance as well. So we've got another one coming
up next week where we're going to be.
We've had a write in and we're gonna be sharing about that and
giving our thoughts on that as well.
And also sometimes bringing somematerial for those that have
been here for a while. You know that Amy's also a life
coach and she works a lot with women on, you know, just
identifying their own stuff and working through their own
situation and understand that you're not stuck.
You have the tools that you needand you have the ability to work
(02:01):
through that. So we do that too on this
podcast. We just help navigate through
these different circumstances. So right in we'd love to hear
from. You.
Yeah. And we've got free resources on
the website to support you in this process as well.
Honey, we honey, we need chat.com.
I was gonna say www.againhoneyweneedachat.com
Lots of free resources to support you and your partner in
(02:21):
your navigating of communicationin your relationship.
And we also have some more exciting stuff coming up.
So check out the tubes on that, the YouTube, your tubes, look at
them, check them out and we'll, yeah, you'll see what's
happening there. But that's a secret.
All right, so let's dive into some Reddit story.
Let's get it. This first story is called I
Accidentally Hurt my Boyfriend'sFeelings and it's not what I
(02:43):
meant. My boyfriend, 30 male and I27
female have been together almosttwo years.
We live together in a small studio apartment and normally we
communicate really well. But yesterday I messed up and I
can't stop thinking about it. We're both burnt out, he's
finishing his PhD and I work full time in crisis services.
On top of that, I was raised in a very traditional household
where women did everything. Housework, emotional labour, you
(03:05):
name it. And that narrative still gets in
my head sometimes, even though Ihate it.
He does help. He carries a laundry up and down
three flights of stairs, takes out the trash and does about 30%
of the dishes, but I do the rest.
Most of the dishes, cooking, cleaning, tidying.
He turns off the hot water to save money so I can't do the
dishes unless he turns it back on, which stresses me out when I
come home to mess after work. Yesterday was a rough day, 40°,
(03:28):
emotionally exhausting at work and I walked into a pile of
dishes. I couldn't relax.
I change, started doing the dishes in cold water and started
sobbing. He asked if I was mad and I said
no, we just have different standards of cleanliness and I
have to resign myself to the fact that you don't like or want
to do these things and that's fine.
As soon as I said it, I felt bad.
Neither of us said anything for what felt like forever.
(03:48):
Then he got up and started to get laundry ready to takedown.
I told him he didn't have to do that right now, but then he said
no, it's fine, I don't want you to resign yourself to living a
life with me. It crushed him, he said it was
the most hurtful thing I've eversaid.
That's not what I meant. I meant that I was tired of
feeling like I had to become my mother, doing it all silently.
I apologise, explained, cried, who talked it through and
(04:09):
hugged. But there's still a heaviness
between us. How do I move forward?
How do I show him I still see what he does even if I slipped
up? This is a very common thing that
we see over the gender roles andthings, right?
So there's there is a culture shift that is happening where,
you know, a lot of men are looking at this situation of
like, well, I don't, I don't want you to do everything at
home. Like I want to be able to step
up in this way. But with that as well, you know,
(04:31):
you don't just change, you don'tjust do it right.
There's this element where you have to grow into that.
It's over really putting in solid habits and habits take
time to actually set in and all this sort of stuff.
You can see here she's exhausted, right, Emotionally
exhausted or just exhausted in general.
And the way that she's communicate could have come
across from him, but and we don't know his situation, but it
(04:53):
could be from the way that he's bonded, because it doesn't sound
like a very like it's not a she hasn't said something like
outrageously like hard to him, but you don't know what he's
already wrestling with. And it sounds like he's already
wrestled with something in this space where he's like, I've been
trying so hard in that area and it's I'm just failing, you know,
and now I'm, I'm, I'm not the man that I wanted to be.
(05:15):
I'm I'm this and that I I'm saying that through
conversations that we've had, I've had with other men, but
also just with myself, right. We have these expectations on
ourselves. And then it's it's just, yeah,
it sucks. It sucks to hear that.
I think the the painful part is she's implied accidentally that
she's resigned herself to a lifewith him.
Yeah. And that is a really hard thing
to hear, like your partner. So I feel like that would be.
(05:38):
Well, I feel like that's what I feel like this is kind of being,
I feel like it's kind of being, not exaggerated is the wrong
word, but it it feels blown up because she hasn't said that.
Like I don't read that. I'm like, I'll resign your way
to cleaning. I have to resign myself to the
fact that you don't like or wantto do these things, and that's
fine. That's what a life and that's
what I mean. Like, I feel like that's been
(05:59):
out of proportion and I feel like a lot of time that happens
is because that person is already wrestling with.
Something. Yes, and it's triggered.
More because I don't think she said anything drastic there.
It's interesting because I so obviously that she said they're
both burnt out and really, really tired.
And so when you are tired and, and you're already frustrated
about stuff, things come out of your mouth.
(06:21):
You don't have the philtre. But it's not just the philtre
doesn't mean that everything that comes out of your mouth is
accurate. It's just not filtered.
You also don't have the words and we spoke about that in the
last few episodes. Like you actually say words
wrong or you say them without thinking about the bigger
meaning or the implications or that kind of thing.
And so I think that's what's happened here.
It sounds like she's she said something out of an exhausted
(06:42):
place that is connected to her own fear.
And then like you said, he's received it on face value.
Obviously, he doesn't know the context of what she was trying
to communicate or how she's really feeling.
And then it's it's meant more tohim because of whatever he's
navigating and he's he's workingthrough.
I think when you're also, when you've seen a pattern within
your family and you have a deep fear of that repeating.
(07:03):
Yeah, everything that reinforcesthat is harder and harder.
And we've had that play out for us.
And for me, I resonate with thisstory a little bit because even
though so there's a few layers to it, One is the reality is
you're aware of a pattern that you're not happy with.
So automatically you're on the front foot, like you
automatically have a step ahead in terms of this pattern playing
(07:25):
out for you. Then your parents did because
you've seen it, you've recognised it.
And it can feel really disheartening because you can
start to see similar things, butalready you're ahead in terms of
that area because you're aware of it and you're not OK with it.
So that's, that's actually a benefit.
And then the flip side of that too, is everything that falls
(07:45):
into that category that kind of feels like it's reinforcing it
for you, feels bigger than it probably would look from an
outside perspective. So every little thing that she
has to do for him would feel bigger to her than it would
someone who didn't experience this growing up and didn't have
a fear of repeating this as an adult.
So you're inflating that mentally.
(08:06):
And then we don't even know because this is from her
perspective, what happens for him.
And I resonate with this becausemy dad was quite a like
beautiful man, but he struggled to regulate himself.
And so I spent a lot of my life trying to regulate him, which
really was not my role and I couldn't do realistically.
But as a kid and as a young adult, I, I felt like I had to
(08:28):
regulate him and make sure he was OK.
And if I didn't like the wrong thing, would push him over the
edge. And when you went through your
burnout, I had a couple times where I was like, you were
really struggling with your, your patients and your temper
and your reactions, especially mostly to the kids.
And I had a few moments where I was like, it would spark this
fear for me because I'm like, I did not sign up for having to do
(08:48):
this with my husband. Like, this is not what I wanted.
But I also then had to like, like, Blair is not my husband.
Blair is Blair is my husband. Blair is not my dad.
In so many ways. And including what I've just
said, we're already aware of these patterns and we're already
working on them to your like teachability and your desire to
better yourself and, and strengthen yourself and your
(09:10):
freedom in that is well beyond what my dad ever experienced.
And you were aware of that and owning that yourself.
But it didn't like, there was times where I was like, it was
quite triggering for me because I was, I was all connected to
this big story. It wasn't an accurate read of
the situation, but because of what I was carrying, it did
inflate it for me. And I know you've had the same
(09:32):
exact scenario was really triggering for you in terms of
your fatherhood and that kind ofthing because of your experience
too. So it's it is such a complicated
mess of factors. Does that play into it?
Yeah, and I think it's this is just such a clear example of
that. You know, again, she's she's
exhausted. She just said I have to settle
for your way of cleaning. He's taken that way further,
(09:53):
way, way further than just the cleaning.
That's like my whole life, you know.
You know you regret. Assigned an identity thing?
Yeah, a big a big story to it. And that's we've done that
episode on triggers as well, right?
Like, and then go check that oneout.
Like it's the triggers we bring to our responses is so much more
important to be aware of than werealised.
Well, then I realised, you know,when we first started dating and
(10:17):
being engaged and stuff was, yeah, we brought so much baggage
to those conversations. It wasn't just about the
conversation we're having or about the topic, the issue that
we're trying to navigate throughthose all these other things
that we brought to that and we had to also navigate through.
And that was the beauty of, of being the beauty of, you know,
nearly eleven years of marriage of like we have had to work
(10:37):
through that. We've had to be very intentional
with that. We've had to get professional
help at times. We've had to just be, you know,
intentional with ourselves and and our individual selves and
what we bring to it as well. So I could just see that
trigger. And we don't, we don't see that.
We don't see the specifics of it, but we see it in the
reaction, Yeah. Yeah, totally true.
And I, I think one thing as wellis it's interesting that she's
(10:59):
saying I have to resign myself to this.
Obviously like we've just said she didn't mean what she was
saying with the the depth of what it implied.
But when you're like this is like a little, it's not a pet
peeve, but it's just like a concerning pattern.
I see if you're seeing somethingyou're not happy with, you need
to communicate about it like youneed.
It's not, it's not a matter of like, oh, I guess this is just
(11:19):
how it's going to be like you'renot at the mercy of things just
falling into place. And we've talked about that that
as well in our episodes where wewere talking about the unspoken
contracts. We do, we do build patterns and
rhythms and, and we fall into ruts in relationships because
you don't want to constantly be like having to monitor
everything you're doing when you're living with someone 24/7.
That's not how we live. But when you find yourself not
(11:42):
feeling satisfied with something, you are free and
should communicate how you're feeling about that.
And I think potentially this is,this is that coming out in a not
in a clumsy way or trying to communicate about this.
And it's just, it's instead of her saying, hey, I'm really
struggling with this, can you help me?
She's she's made like a comment about what her life is with him.
So it's not come out in a constructive way.
(12:03):
But you're not stuck there. Like the only way that people
that are strong relationships down the track that you can see
and observe, the only way they became strong was by having
these conversations along the way.
None of them just fell into thisamazing relationship that was so
smooth and easy. Like none of them.
In fact, the only people that fell into a pattern in a
relationship and never had to change it were the ones are the
(12:24):
ones that are not strong. So if you're finding this for
one, just like communicate aboutit, you're not stuck. 2 This is
actually a really good opportunity, even though it's
you both like, you know, there'sa heaviness, she said, and then
she said they talked about it. The heaviness might be there
because you're still working on those triggers and they are
painful. It's like a wound, right?
Like it's, it's like a sore thatsits there and it's not healed
yet. So of course it's painful.
(12:45):
Even when you've kind of like worked through it, it's gonna
still have residual pain. It might take a few days to kind
of feel the lightness again. But this is a perfect
opportunity to be like, this is where it came from for me.
I, I was really not happy with the pattern that I saw with my
parents. And I've always wanted a
different dynamic for my relationship.
So when I see these things, it makes me nervous.
And that's where that comes from.
(13:07):
And then opportunity for opportunity for him to explain
the same side of whatever it is that's going on for him that
again, we don't know. This is why that was such a cut
for me because I, I've been trying really hard to be
different to my dad or I've beentrying really hard to, to help
you and, and I've done a lot of work and I feel like you just
kind of slapped me in the face with none of it means anything,
whatever that is. It's actually painful but
(13:29):
beautiful opportunity to talk about.
South some ways they could repair on from this scenario
here is she might need some space to dig deeper and
understanding and identifying the fear that she might be going
through in that scenario. So again, hypothetically,
because we don't know them and you know, she might be scared of
becoming like her mum, whatever that means, like whatever that
looks like, we don't know for him, it might mean he needs to
(13:50):
separate intent from impacts. But she wasn't attacking him
directly. She was overwhelmed, you know,
and that was a a product of her overwhelmness.
So, you know, we talk a lot about having an attitude of
curiosity, being curious into that space of like, all right,
well, obviously she's overwhelmed or this is out of
character. Why is that?
So rather than just going straight to a fence, having an
(14:11):
attitude of curiosity, there might be a fence there, but it's
like not letting that rule you like digging deeper.
And that's where we're being safe for each other as well.
And the other part is they coulduse a quick reset script that
we've spoken about too that cameout wrong.
Can I try again? It's just a simple phrase.
And these are things that you'regoing to implement over time.
You need to remember that. That's the habits I was talking
(14:32):
about earlier. Habits take time, you know, and
being aware of these scripts take time.
For that to be natural takes time, but you just didn't be
intentional with those habits and and it will be a great
impact. Another thing too is it's like,
it doesn't need to stop here, right?
Like, so just keep exploring that.
The commitment to exploring it is so much greater.
She was asking the question likethere's a little bit of
(14:52):
attention or whatever word she used before.
It's still there. It's like, great, don't now
ignore it. Address it.
Like go on a date, go away, makeit nice.
Like if the environment's stressed, the conversation would
be stressed. If the environment's nice,
you're a lot more open to just working through something in a
more positive way. So just keep keep exploring
(15:14):
that. Keep digging into it.
Like actually like this is now something I've identified.
I don't want to stay there. If we've got tension, I don't
want to stay there. Like what can we do better next
time and how can we actually help work this that there isn't
this fear that you have now thatI actually think this or you
know, we have better script to work navigate through those
circumstances together. Yeah, it's so funny because when
(15:36):
I hear stories like this, like Iknow that someone could say
something hurtful and then like,I did not mean it that way.
I meant this. I think my, if I'm honest, my
deep down inside, I'd be like, yeah, but you still said it.
So you did mean it that. Yeah.
And that's what I really struggle with.
We've had that a lot, yeah, eventhrough jokes and stuff like
that. And I've had to be like, I've
had to keep on reassuring you. Like, no, I genuinely, I was a
(15:57):
stupid comment. Like it.
I shouldn't have said it. There was no meaning behind it.
Yeah. I think it might be a
personality thing because I spent a lot of time being very
trying to be not always like I definitely have made mistakes in
how I've said things. I try to be very clear in what
I'm saying. Yeah.
And so when someone else says something in my head, I'm like,
well, they've gone about it the same.
Like they know what they're saying, but you like you think
(16:20):
out like you think out your thoughts.
I. Process out loud.
It's not like you've haven't like just drawn on it.
Well, that's the thing though, and that's a part of again, the
scripture we've come up with is.I have to say that though, if
that's what I'm doing if. I'm processing out loud like.
I have to say that I actually said that in a team meeting
yesterday with work. I'm like, I'm literally just
repeating everything you guys have said.
(16:41):
I just need to process this out loud to understand what we're
talking about and the strategy that we're putting in place.
And then they're all like, oh, cool, yeah, 'cause before that
they'll be like, dude, I just said that.
I'm like I know I'm just, I'm just working.
I'm not taking your ideas. I'm not.
If we did this, yeah, yeah. I take that people's jokes and
do that, but not that. Yeah, all the time it makes on.
Purpose though, yeah, it doesn't.
(17:02):
It makes it very funny. But again, this is the
intentionality part that we're talking about.
We're identifying the needs thatwe have in that scenario so we
can do it better next time 'cause it's not gonna stop like
you're not gonna just like all of a sudden stop reacting when
you're overwhelmed. You're going to do that.
It's gonna take that, you know the the the continual journey of
of working together on doing a. Better next time.
(17:22):
Yeah, exactly. Sorry.
Our dog is so fluffy. There's fluff everywhere in our
house. I think as well.
If you're someone like me, that's really that you really
struggled. So yeah, I can logically
understand what you're saying and I can understand you didn't
intend it. But in my heart, I still, I'm
like, I still think you meant it.
And you just don't know how to, like, connect the two because
that's what I wrestle with a lot.
I think one way is, you know, your relationship and you you
(17:43):
pick up the patterns, right? So like you have to be able to
have grace with somebody. If something happens like this
and you have grace and like, I don't understand how you didn't
mean it, but I'm just going to take your word for it and allow
yourself to release that while also monitoring your patterns.
Like, and if, if that same script keeps coming out or those
same stories keep coming out, then maybe then you're more
valid in being like, but you keep saying this in different
(18:06):
ways. That can be like you're, you're
like, oh, no, there's something else going on.
If it's something they say and then they never repeat that kind
of a thing, it's pretty indicative that that's not
actually related to how they're feeling about it.
It's just, it is just a mistake and something they said
incorrectly or they didn't mean to imply what they implied.
And so just having kind of a like allowing yourself to
release it until you have further evidence.
(18:27):
Not that you're always waiting for that evidence, but just
unless something else comes up, you're allowing yourself to
release it. Because that's what I struggle
with is holding this story and then and then everything builds
from that story instead of taking your word for it and
allowing you to be trusted in that space.
Anyway, we're going to move on to two stories that are very
similar. So I might try and we might not
like spend too much time on themas individuals, but this is such
(18:49):
a like this poor. Anyway, I'm just going to I
read. This title and straight away
like. Yeah, we've talked about,
there's been a few of these stories on the podcast
previously and every time it's just like, but some of them are
more intentional than others. You don't know what we're
talking about so. Let's talk about it.
I think I messed up by accidentally calling my
girlfriend fat. I've been dating my girlfriend,
(19:12):
let's call her Mary for about a month now and while texting my
mom she asked what Mary looks like.
I asked Mary if she had a picture without a philtre on
hand and since she didn't we were just going to take one.
I snapped a picture and was justgoing to send it since it's I
thought it looked fine then didn't want to have to take 10
more. This is where I made my mistake.
Mary asked to see the picture and after viewing it she said I
look fat in this one and being an idiot hoping not to have to
(19:35):
take another picture, I said taking another one, fix that.
No. Taking another won't fix that.
In hindsight I should have said something along the lines of no
you don't, but I'm just in a rush to just send my mom a
picture and once again I'm an idiot.
The look of shock on Mary's faceas the words left my mouth told
me I'd said something wrong and immediately try to formulate an
(19:58):
apology. But my simple mind can't seem to
figure out what to apologise for.
So I said, what did I just say? Just to clarify, I'm I'm
laughing 'cause it's so bad. No, no, I would not do that.
It's so bad. It's just such a big no no.
It's such a big no no. That obviously was just like so
accidental. Anyway, try to figure out what
to apologise for. So I asked her what did I just
(20:18):
say? And Mary informs me that I just
called her fat. This is where my second mistake
comes into play. Seeing as I misread the severity
of what I had just implied and thinking she's not being
serious, I replied with well, yeah.
That's. This has been followed up with
many apologies, an explanation of how stupid I am, and over
half an hour of silent treatment.
(20:39):
I'm currently sitting in my car with no idea how to fix this.
Our time machine, bro. Time Machine.
So he was rushing and he was in logic mode.
He was totally not in implication mode.
I think one of the the reasons why, well, there's many reasons
why I wouldn't say this, but I think one of the main reasons it
stands out to me why I'm like, we talk about it so much with
(21:00):
our kids. Not saying that.
Not saying fact like, you know, not describing thing people or
animals or whatever is fat. It's like fat is a thing.
Like it's actually like in actual enough.
It's a name for a thing. What is that substance?
It's a it's. A thing.
It's a thing. And so we've, we're so
intentional with teaching our kids that because we don't want
them, because they have before, like they've seen someone,
(21:22):
they're like, oh, they're so big, in other words.
And we're like, you just don't comment on that.
You don't comment on people's appearances like that, you know?
And so, yeah, I think that's just when this stands out.
I'm like, dude, I could see our kids saying this.
And so just shocks me when I seean adult and say this too well.
Like he didn't say the word though.
No, he just didn't. No, no, no, he just.
(21:44):
He just reinforced her seeing that.
I think he was rushing. They're new in their
relationship. They've only been dating for
about a month. He was rushing.
He probably doesn't understand her insecurities and what it's
behind that. And I don't know how many
girlfriends he's had. I don't think it says how old
they are either. He's seeing his car, so he's old
enough to drive. Yeah.
And I can just picture like, youknow, when it's not a healthy
(22:06):
way of doing it, but she's kind of put a bid out there in terms
of like, I look fat and she's put that bid out there.
And then he's not constructivelynavigated that.
So she's kind of, you know, looking for reassurance in some
ways by saying it. It's because if she, if she
wasn't, I think she would say, oh, can we just take another
one? I don't like that or like
something. So I think she, I think there is
(22:27):
a little bit of like trying to see how he feels about it or
trying to be reassured that she's not or I don't know,
whatever is going on for her there, there's obviously an
insecurity there, there and she's put that out there and he
has had absolutely no idea. Yeah, and that's like early on
in a in a relationship too. Like that's that's probably
gonna be more regular. Well, no, regular.
The the the, the, the big putting out there, right.
(22:47):
Like it's gonna be she's testing, she's exploring.
She's like only a month, like far out.
Like, yeah, you know, there's somuch.
I mean, I I know, I think I'm just in shock still.
The part, yeah, second hand's embarrassment, but the part I'm
like, oh dude, like you gotta besmarter than that, is the.
Well, yeah. Yeah, the well, yeah, I don't
understand. The the first part I'm like, OK,
that's cringe. But I get yeah, he's like just
(23:09):
logic mode and not relationship mode or thinking mode, whatever.
But the world, yeah, is is. I think he, I think if I
understand correctly, he he tookit as her joking.
Like, you've just called me fat.And he's like, well, yeah, like,
as a complete joke. Yeah, I know.
And but that's again, I think because we're so intentional
with our kids, I'm like, you don't even make that joke.
Like you just stay so far away from.
That people with insecurities, well, not even just you don't
(23:31):
have to have a deep insecurity for that to be offensive, but
people with securities will takethat and be like, there's a
truth to what you're saying. Like I said, that's what I
struggle with. Like there's a bit of truth
behind what you're saying right now.
Yeah, but we have our own insecurities, right?
Like this wouldn't, I wouldn't find this insecure.
Like I don't have this sort of insecurity, right?
Like I'm not the thinnest person, but I'm I'm not insecure
(23:52):
about my weight, right? And like it doesn't affect me as
much as it obviously effects her.
But there's other areas for you where it's like, no, that's a no
go zone. Like you don't joke about that
sort of stuff with me because that is a trigger.
Like, that's that. I do have those insecurities
these in other areas and you know that.
And you know that because of, you know, nearly eleven years of
marriage. But this one in general, I feel
like you just don't do with women.
(24:13):
Yeah. Like you just do not make you.
Should just not do it with anybody but yes but.
Like I feel like there's gonna be way more triggers with women
in this area than than guys, butthere are guys that would be
triggering this too. Like, yeah, yeah.
Because in my head I'm like, if,if this was me, if I was really,
really not, if you had no inclination that I was
overweight, then you would say no, you don't like the fact that
you didn't say no, you don't like, that's stupid.
(24:34):
Immediately would be like, see, yeah.
So it just is messy. Yeah, it's such a tricky 1 to
navigate through like because even, you know, let's let's move
away from just regular, you know, body image when you were
pregnant was even another another level of sensitivity,
right, Because you were definitely obviously bigger.
Sorry, I didn't mean to say definitely you were pregnant.
(24:54):
You were obviously bigger, right.
But there's this whole, there's this like line when you were
pregnant for the first time thatstood out to me from liar liar
when he explains about when his ex wife would say like, you
know, when mommy asked me if I look, if she looked fat and
said, yeah, you look like a cow.Do you know that in the light?
I don't even. I've only ever seen it like
once. Once.
Yeah, I'll probably have seen it.
My parents used to watch it but I I haven't seen it as an adult.
(25:16):
Anyway, I don't remember the line specifically like the word
for word, but I remember when you were pregnant for the first.
I'm like, yeah, I can't just say.
You look like a cow. You.
Look like a cow or like, yeah, you do look fat, but it's like
it's yeah, 'cause it's, it was. Saying I looked like a.
Cow, sorry, this, No, it's, but my point is, is like even in the
those moments, you know, pregnancy is such a natural,
(25:37):
you're going to get bigger. You've got a whole other human
name. You still navigate that gently,
and you still never get that because you would have comments
where like, moments where you felt insecure because of your
baby bump. And it was like, yeah, well, I'm
not going to say like, yeah. Even when there's like a reason
like a totally. Thank you.
This is so hard to talk about. It is and this is the clumsy
conversation. It is like, I know that I can
(25:59):
have this conversation with Amy and she completely understands
what I mean. But like now, navigating
through, knowing that other people listening, it's so much
harder. I will make it a real about you
saying how I couldn't just say you looked like a cow.
Yeah, true. I understand what you're saying.
Even when there's like a completely separate to your
identity reason that you would be looking this way, you still
(26:19):
navigated it gently. Yeah, man, that's just like that
just causes a sweat. That conversation in general.
Don't talk about your body image.
Just don't do. It it's gonna get worse.
Yeah. Second one, I-25 male may have
accidentally called my girlfriend 24 female fat.
The title says I may have implied it.
My girlfriend and I were having a lovely conversation over text
about absolutely nothing in particular and eventually
(26:40):
stumbled into the topic of the gym.
I brought up that I was feeling a little skinny, to which she
replied I can't relate. My stupid brain then decided to
say skinny ain't all that. I like you, what do I do now?
I legitimately didn't mean it like that as I believe she's
absolutely perfect the way she is.
I think sometimes girls overestimate how skinny they
(27:02):
need to be to be attractive and I wouldn't want my partner to
have to have that standard in her mind.
That's why I said it, but I justcompletely came out wrong.
I really do think she's so amazingly attractive right now.
If she really did want to focus on the gym, I'd support her
there too. How have I messed up this bad
with good intentions? And then he's got an edit says
thanks for all the advice. Seems I've found the good side
(27:23):
of Reddit here, which is not common, not.
Common at all A. Lot of the advice was echoing
the same sentiment of not being a big deal.
Don't worry if it is, just explain yourself.
So I'll be acting on that. Was especially nice to hear
stories of how people's husbandsdid something similar in the
early stages. Thanks again, ladies and
gentlemen. So this one's less like this
one. You can really see what was
sitting behind that I. Just like I, I don't even know
(27:45):
what to say now because it's, I just get it.
It's so hard to navigate througha lot of these, especially this
area. It's so hard to navigate through
from man Yeah. To know how to say in the right
way that it's not offensive because again, there's so many
insecurities around that. And we keep talking about like
even in the first story, three years have so much.
It just puts a whole other philtre of what you've said in
(28:08):
in the words that you've used. It's like a minefield.
Aware of it, yeah. You're literally walking through
a minefield. So I was thinking with this one,
I totally agree with him. Like we back in when we were
teenagers, like early teenagers,the really skinny model look was
in like really, really skinny. And it was definitely before the
Kardashians type of vibe. And in my head as a teenage
(28:28):
girl, you had to be skinny to beattractive.
And so that's what I strive for.And now I feel differently about
it. Like that's not what I'm driving
like striving for. It's just, I just want to feel
more healthy. Like playing that out.
He, he is 100% right. And he, what he's trying to
express is it's actually, it doesn't like you don't have to
be a certain amount of skinny tobe attractive.
(28:50):
Like you're attractive as you are now, but even saying that is
a minefield because if she's insecure about it, which we
don't actually know because did she, did he say how she reacted?
No, so we don't, we don't know how she's felt.
I think he's freaking out. I'm not sure that we've seen
like the other side of the conversation yet.
If she's insecure about her weight, even hearing him say
skinny is really not that important for attractiveness.
(29:13):
And like, I, I like you the way that you are.
Then she might still, even though his, like, intentions are
there and you can hear what he'ssaying, she might still be like,
so you're implying I'm not skinny.
And that can still be so closelytied into insecurity that it
would still be a trigger. So it's, it is such a
complicated topic. I think the safe route is always
to be like, you are perfect the way you are, like just to keep
(29:33):
it off. Yeah.
Any kind of judgement or any kind of comment about it.
Yeah, So how to repair that though, like again, time time
machine. No, that's not true.
Like because I've, you know, we've had different
conversations over our marriage about health, right?
And I've even now like we're talking about nutrition or
exercise and the benefits and all that sort of stuff, because
(29:53):
we've been on different journeyswith that.
And like even bringing that up, you've got to be so gentle and
careful. And again, it's not about just
communicating your point that you've really got to take into
mind, you know, how the other person will receive.
And so something we, we've got to navigate through, but it's a
commitment to navigating throughit.
And so with this as well, it's again, just just clarifying like
(30:15):
it's like, no, I didn't mean that.
Like if we take the second example, I just don't want you
to feel like you need to change.You know what I mean?
Like, so that's something that'sreally important, really
emphasising what did you actually mean rather than trying
to come out with all these otherexcuses.
Just being clear. I didn't mean you like to call
admit to come across this way. I just want you to know that I
(30:36):
don't think you need to change, right?
Like that's really, really important because I think that's
what a lot of people are wantingwhen they do put that out there,
no matter what the insecurity is, it's that comfort, It's that
safe. It's that you love me for me,
not over these things, right? Like it's.
So it's just that test. No, a test is the wrong word.
It's that. It's a bid, it's a bid to see
where your partner's at and how they feel about you.
(30:58):
And yeah, you're putting yourself out there to then be
received in some way. And I think as well, like I
really love this whole body positive language or body
neutrality is kind of something that I'm trying to bring into
the family or like we, we've been doing with the kids and
that sort of thing. Like your body is one part of
you and it is an important part of you.
But in the world or from like media that has been inflated to
(31:22):
the most important part of you, which is just so not accurate
because how you look is like 1 dimension of who you are.
And you could be a horrible person and look incredible
objectively or the same person that someone finds super
attractive, someone else might not.
So it's also like, is it subjective or objective?
Never get that right. It's all based on people's own
personal experience. And so there's a beauty in being
(31:45):
neutral about like finding people's value outside of their
body because there'll be enough pressure about their body.
They don't need to like that work.
That will be be enough from external stuff.
You don't even need to try and like navigate that within your
family necessarily because they'll get that from elsewhere.
But if you can really enforce this like the value of somebody
outside of their looks, then that's I feel like that's where
(32:05):
the gold is because that helps with the more balance in terms
of that sort of stuff. So even for them, him expressing
this is what I meant and also expressing like he's trying to
bring in these rejects like the toxic body image stuff,
terminology or thoughts or whatever.
So he could even be like, I don't like that area of life,
like I don't like that pressure.So that's why I'm talking like
this. And this is how we should like,
(32:27):
this is how I'd love for us to be talking in our relationship
and having. It's actually a cool opportunity
to have that, like establish what you guys want in your
dynamic as how you'll navigate those things.
Because they're they're dating at the moment.
Eventually they might have a family and then it's going to be
important how they what stance they take on that too.
Yeah, I think this guy's just accidentally stumbled into
(32:47):
something that and maybe she's not that stressed about it.
We'll see or we won't see, but he'll see.
But definitely another one of those like, oh.
So we're gonna get to the last story soon, but it's gonna take
a moment and say, if you are notfollowing us across YouTube,
Instagram, Tiktok's book, go on there, follow us on there.
Because this podcast is only oneelement of what we're doing here
on honeymoon to chat. We, we've got a lot of different
(33:08):
resources that come out. We've got a lot of different
tips and tricks and stuff. So don't miss out on that.
We've also got some exciting stuff coming, a new venture
coming your way. So please go over there.
We just want you to miss out. Again, this podcast is one
element. We want to be bringing resources
and material to you and your relationships and your you as an
individual to better strengthen your communication games.
(33:31):
So head on over. We're at Honey, we need to chat
on all of those platforms. Click to follow and we'll see
you there. Alrighty last one, me 23 female
and my husband 23 male are misunderstanding each other and
I don't know how else to explainit to him.
Hi, obligatory disclaimer that this is my first ever post so
I'm sorry for any bad formattingwhich you won't see and I or
stumble through. My husband and I got into a
(33:52):
disagreement earlier this afternoon and escalated to the
point of him calling me toxic, so I'd like some advice on how
to better express to him how I'mfeeling.
Early this afternoon we bought home a heavy item that we had
just purchased and we were with my parents.
My dad was helping my husband Jay unload it when he opened my
door and told me to give him thekeys.
I asked him why he needed them and he took them from my hand,
(34:13):
looked at me and then closed thecar door again without saying
anything. This made me irritated but I let
it go when I got out of the car.Then later after we got
everything unloaded and my parents had left, he walked into
the office where I was on my computer and said.
I feel like you've been upset all day, are you OK?
Is there something we need to talk about?
This irritated me because I'd actually had a pretty good day
so far. I got to hang out with my
(34:34):
parents and we just purchased something that we were both
excited about. I honestly can't remember what I
said but he did walk away after that so I just continued playing
my game. After a while I got up and went
out to the garage to talk to him.
His talk was a pretty standard disagreement for us but after
about 5 minutes I realised we were just going in circles so I
went back inside. After around 30 minutes he comes
inside and sits down in front ofmy desk and said it's toxic that
(34:55):
you're getting upset with me forjust trying to check on you.
I kept trying to tell him that wasn't what was upsetting me and
that I just felt like he was telling me how I was feeling.
That the part I was mad about was that he said you've been
upset all day when I very clearly hadn't been.
Later when I asked what instances I was upset he only
listed 3, two of which we'd already talked about, then got
upset and said I'm not going to memorise everything you do that
(35:16):
irritates me. Am I wrong to be upset by this?
It's a total vibe killer when someone says that to you.
It's like telling someone who's acting normal that they're angry
about something. Anyway, it's like he thinks I'm
somehow mad at him for asking meif I'm OK and that's just not
the case. He kept saying things like well
what should I say to check up onyou then?
Or it's just toxic for you to beupset at me for trying to check
(35:37):
on you. I really don't know what to do
here. He just left to go to the gym
and we'll probably be back in two hours.
How do I de escalate the situation without invalidating
either of our feelings? Thanks in advance.
Yes, straight away it's the assumption, right?
If this is an example of a very layered conversation where?
Yeah. It's like, where do you start
with it? Yeah.
Because it's now not a conversation about what was
happening. It's a conversation about how it
(35:59):
was said about what was happening.
And then it's a conversation about how it was said, about
what was said about what was happening.
So you're actually ending up arguing about something that's
got nothing to do with the conversation.
Like the issue at hand. And this is common, like this
happens a lot. We find ourselves when we're
having these clumsy conversations, having
disagreements or hurt or whatever because of how it came
(36:19):
out, not about what was trying to be communicated.
And so you missed the whole point and you end up looping
like she said, because you're both trying to like explain or
you're both trying to. Also we're not validate, but
you're trying to. You validate your point of.
View. Validate your point of view or
validate your frustrations abouthow it was said.
Yeah. And, and like we, we've had
(36:39):
those moments a lot, right? We've had those moments so many
times where we talk more about. So an issue comes up and then
we're like, yeah, but you do that and you do this.
And it's like, yeah, but you're saying this now and we're.
Just. Yeah.
And so we, we, we honestly just go, all right, we have gone way
off topic, Let's stop. When we come back, it's usually
about, I think I started going off on a tangent because of
(37:01):
this. Like I was feeling this and then
I got my guard up and that's where I think it needs to go.
So it's not it's, it's like you're going to have those
moments. We we have those moments.
It's not about you don't have those moments.
And as a way to not have those moments, you have them.
But then it's like, well, how doyou come back and repair that
afterwards? And that's what's really
important. So first, well, where he's come
here, it does. It comes across like he's
(37:23):
assuming this is what she's feeling.
And another thing I was thinkingof when you're speaking is when
you always ask me if I'm OK. And we've talked about this
before, but you're like, you're like, are you, are you all
right? I'm like, yeah.
And you're like, Are you sure you're all right?
I'm like, yes. And then now I'm frustrated
because you keep on asking me where, you know, now we've
started getting to a bit more ofa habit because I I ask you too.
I'm like, are you OK? And then I go through my
(37:45):
different things. It's like, all right, there's
something going on. It could be that you, it could
be that you're upset about something, or it could be that
you're feeling low, or it could be that you're distracted, or it
could, there's so many could be.And so rather than assuming what
it is, it's that attitude of curiosity and saying like, are
you OK? You might say yes and I'll go,
what are you feeling? And then you might be like, I
(38:05):
don't know, or what are you thinking?
Oh, it's this or whatever, you know.
So it's then I go through these different questions of asking to
explore that rather than just jump to this is what the issue
is because 90% of the time it's not that.
Yeah, what you would assume it is.
Yeah. Yeah, exactly.
Assume assume. Yeah, we've been bullied on
YouTube for this assume. It was that's so common because
(38:28):
I think a lot of the time when you feel something's off, you're
not incorrect. So a lot of the times when I'm
asking you over and over and over, are you OK, There is
actually something that you're stressed about or processing or
you're like whatever, but you'renot, it's not like, yeah, I'm
frustrated about. It's not like a I'm ready to
have this conversation. It's kind of like when you're
trying to pop a zip and it's notready.
It's not that's. A very great analogy.
(38:49):
Still tell that it's irritated and so and that's sort of it by.
But as the person that's like, especially because I have grown
up hyper vigilant to like how people are feeling can pick up
on things. Sometimes they exist, sometimes
they don't. And it does really kind of sit
there in my head and I build a story about it.
And so that's why I'll be like, are you OK?
Yeah. And then there's a whole story
(39:10):
about what's happening or not happening.
But it is I like what you do, which is what you've just said.
Like what are you feeling? What are you thinking?
Are you processing anything? Sometimes I don't even know that
I'm processing though, like it'ssort of at the back of my mind
and I'm still trying to figure out what's going on.
So if you keep on asking me, I don't.
I've got nothing to give you. Yeah, but I don't know what I
could communicate in that time. Sometimes I'm just like, look,
(39:31):
I'm just waking up. I haven't had a coffee.
Like I'm, I'm just tired or likesometimes it's just genuine.
I'm not bubbly, right? Like and that's, and that's
solid and valid. A lot of times I come back and
like, actually it's this. It's this.
And now I've I've had that time.99% of the time it's got nothing
to do with me, it's usually workor like something.
But I think one thing I have really, really tried to
(39:53):
implement recently is what I've said a couple times on here,
which is taking your word for itand release my ownership of it.
Because if someone's not OK, youcan't make them OK.
And if you're someone like me who has a history of trying to
make them OK or trying to carry whatever, whatever that is for
you, it can be a really like someone's not OK.
(40:16):
You can tell something's off, they've said they're fine.
And then you're like, I don't know what to do.
And it just really can throw you.
And so I've tried to practise recently just being like, if
you've said you're OK, I need totrust it, You're OK.
Like I've put it out there, I need to trust it.
And release inside the need to get to the bottom of it or the
need to fix it for you not to. Then never bring it up again.
(40:37):
Like you don't just float aroundwith your partner noticing
something's off and you never bring it up because they've said
they're OK one time. But just, you know, releasing
some of that, like obsessivenessof it or something.
Because I can't, there's nothingI can do that's going to make
you OK if you're not willing to tell me what's going on or
you're not able to or whatever is happening to.
So instead of it becoming an obsessive thing, I'm trying hard
(40:58):
to just be like, he said that he's OK so I'm just going to let
him either be OK or figure out that he's not and come and talk
to me when he's ready. Yeah, yeah.
I think this is it's interestingbecause so she said she got
irritated. So the first instance is he I
don't even understand really what this a lot of this story I
don't fully understand, but he opened the car door and asked
for the keys and she gave it to him and said what do you need
(41:20):
them for? And he didn't say anything and
close the door on her again. And so I think and she was
irritated then, but she got overit.
She said. So in my thinking, he's probably
noticed a vibe there or he's just noticed that that
interaction was off, or maybe hewas already in a mood because he
didn't say anything. So maybe there's a few things
that were happening for him, a story playing out for him.
So when he comes and says, I feel like you've been off or I
(41:40):
feel like you've been mad at me all day, he's got this.
He's probably got a context for that.
He's probably got something he'sbuilt it from.
And so then, but instead she's reacting like, I don't want to
be told how I'm feeling, like I don't want to be.
I don't want you to just assume what I'm feeling and then put it
on me. And that's irritated her.
And like we talked about in the first story, I feel like there's
more triggers happening here. I wonder patterns or something.
(42:02):
Yeah, I was gonna say because weonly get like a like a small
snippet of these conversations. And I wonder if this is an
ongoing thing, right? Like, and now it's sort of blown
up and she's like, all right, go, go, go Reddit and talk about
this one scenario. I'm like, I don't actually think
it's a one scenario. No, not at all.
I definitely can see this being a pattern.
Maybe this is how they navigate conflict and maybe she actually
(42:22):
was more frustrated. So some people navigate conflict
by getting really frustrated and, and they shoo on things and
they just like stick there and it gets stuck in their head.
Some people I think almost go the opposite and they try to
push it away and push it away. And so if she's feeling a weird
vibe and then she's like, but I got over it because I got to
spend time with my parents and then I was playing my game.
Then maybe she's also not super aware of what like she might be
(42:43):
pushing away some of the the offvibe that's going on there as
well. So both of them are missing each
other basically as a point. And then she's gone out and had
this conversation with him again.
She also kept playing her game after he came and talked to her
too. So I feel like there's a couple
things in there. I can see how these situations
could be twisted in each other'sminds.
These situations are open to miscommunication through tone or
(43:06):
miscommunication through losing track of what you're even
talking about and then ending upin this complicated knot where
you're like, I don't even know how we got here.
And like you said, that's where we've practised just being like,
all right, I think I don't know how we got here.
I think I was just, I'm tired and this is what happened or I
noticed you were off and I, I, to me, it just felt like you
were getting mad at me for no reason.
(43:27):
You wouldn't tell me what it waslike coming back to the core of
what's happening for you. And it kind of, it doesn't make
everything else OK, but it does.I'm not some of those
complicated parts that sometimesfollow.
Oh, the joys of communicata. So a couple of repair points,
like we just said, I'm not some of those things get back to the
core of it. Instead of him coming in, if she
(43:48):
really doesn't like being told what she's feeling, he could
learn that she doesn't. That's something that's not
helpful for her. And so instead of saying you've
been mad at me all day, ask the question.
Ask the question and say I've I'm picking up something not
right. Are you OK?
Yeah. Is there something off?
And then again, learning to trust.
If she says no, everything is fine.
Trust that. And then she might also then be
(44:11):
able to have to, to recognise when he's trying to pick up if
something's off. She could say, I know you're
trying to check in, but that wayyou've said it has thrown me.
So I know you're trying to checkin with me.
And I love that. It's just that something about
how you went about it has reallytriggered me recognising her own
reaction there and then creatingsort of that like safe check in.
(44:32):
That does work for them, whatever that might be.
But for us, it's like, what are you thinking about?
What are you feeling? Those kinds of things.
Another example is how, how's your inside world?
Like how's your inner world going?
What's happening for you? Whatever works for them that
doesn't trigger them or make them frustrated.
Unpicking some of that and just getting back to the core.
They're also young, young, married.
So they're they're probably still just learning what even
(44:53):
for themselves. I.
Was gonna say that a big part of, of this is, is understanding
ourselves too, is if the more weunderstand ourselves, the more
we can communicate our needs. Yeah.
And that's a big part of it. That's a big part of going, you
know, growing in a relationship is, you know what you need, but
you know what the other person needs and you grow together.
Yeah. It's a commitment to that
growth. All right, well, this is some
Reddit stories on clumsy conversations.
(45:15):
Thanks for joining us, guys. Some ways to repair.
Everybody has them in different ways.
Everybody has these clumsy conversations, so it's nice to
see some real life examples. Thank you again for being here.
We've really appreciated your support.
Really excited to welcome the new people.
Yeah, so. Many.
Love. It welcome.
Love it and continue to join us.We would love that.
And make sure you're following us on the platforms because
(45:36):
we've got some exciting stuff. Yeah, All right.
Thanks guys. Good chat.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.