62. Would You Want to Be Married to Yourself? How Self-Awareness Changes Relationships

If you were married to yourself, would it be a healthy, life-giving relationship, or a hard one? In this Relationship Reset Mini Series- episode of Honey, We Need to Chat, Amy and Blair ask the confronting but transformative question: What’s it like to be in a relationship with me?

We dive into self-reflection, ownership, and the power of curiosity in relationships. You’ll hear:

• Why self-awareness is the foundation of emotional safety and trust.

• How intention vs. impact shapes your partner’s experience of you.

• The practical “mirror effect” tool to check your behaviour in real time.

• Questions every partner should ask: Am I reliable? Am I approachable? Do I bring humour, warmth, and consistency?

This isn’t about blame. It’s about recognising what you bring to the table and creating a culture where love, trust, and connection can thrive. Whether you’re married, dating, or single, this episode will challenge and empower you to show up as the kind of partner you’d actually want to be with.

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https://manwithapram.com/honey-we-need-to-chat-podcast ⬅️ Walk or Support here

➡️ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Book a Free Clarity Session with Amy! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

🎧 Listen wherever you get your podcasts.

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62. Would You Want to Be Married to Yourself? How Self-Awareness Changes Relationships

self-awareness in relationships, relationship communication, marriage advice podcast, emotional safety, relationship reset, intention vs impact, how to build trust, practical couples tools, Honey We Need to Chat podcast.

Episode Transcript

(00:05):
Honey, we need to chat. I want you to ask yourself these
questions, and I want you to askthem honestly.
Are you the kind of partner thatyou would want to be married to?
Are you the kind of partner thatyou would actually choose to
date? And how would it feel to be in a
relationship with you now? These sound like tough
questions, but this isn't about beating yourself up.

(00:27):
It's about curiosity and self awareness and owning what you
bring to the relationship table.Today we're continuing our
Relationship Reset miniseries. First we spoke about really
liking your partner again, Then we spoke about implementing
change that actually sticks. And today we're speaking about
becoming the kind of partner that the partner you want to
have deserves. Now this series of topics might

(00:50):
sound a little bit like we're saying you're the change that
needs to happen and everything that's off in your relationship
culture is based off your issues.
But that's really not the truth behind why we've chosen these
things. There's a couple of reasons
we've chosen these topics. 1 is we can only control ourselves.
We are only in control of ourselves and our reactions and
the way that we interact with our partner.

(01:11):
We have no power over the choices and reactions of other
people. But we also don't believe that
individuals are powerless in relationships to shift the
culture. And we really think there are
things you can practically implement on your own to start
that shift. And the second thing is we want
to highlight areas in relationships that are often
overlooked. It is really easy to pinpoint
the issues in other people, and it's harder to recognise what we

(01:33):
might be bringing to the table that's causing an impact in our
culture. So that's what we're doing here
today. So we want to welcome you back
to another episode of Honey. We Need to Chat.
So my name is Blair. This is my wife, Amy.
Are you sure about that? Yes, if you are you, so good to
have you here. We are the podcast all about
communication in relationships. We believe that when

(01:54):
communication dies in a relationship, bad things happen.
So we bring a lot of practical tools and tricks and tips and
conversations that you can use to impact the conversation you
have in your relationship. If you are regular, welcome
back. If you're on Spotify listening
to this or Apple podcasts or anything, don't forget to check
out our YouTube channel. So we do more than just the

(02:16):
podcast. The podcast is one element of
what we're working towards for bringing this support to couples
in the home. So check out our YouTube
channel. You'll see our vlogs.
Amy's gonna be coming out with specific coaching material as
well for you guys to check that out.
Make sure you like share, subscribe, all that good stuff.
And also Chuck in some comments too, because we want to be

(02:36):
interacting with you on the thatwe're talking about.
So if we don't hear from you, wecan't actually journey with you.
And that's how hard is to reallyjourney with our community in
these topics as well as we navigate through these as.
Yeah, definitely check those things out.
So we're going to dive into thisquestion today, which is would
you want to be married to you? And it is a bit of a confronting

(02:57):
question, but it's an important one to ask.
And there's a reason for that. It's important because a lot of
couples live in wish mode. So they live wishing their
partner was different in this way, wishing their partner would
do more of this or less of this or be more like this.
Wishing their relationship was better, was more constructive,
was more teamwork, whatever thatmight be.
They're living in wish mode. We focus on what our partner

(03:17):
could do differently or we focuson what's broken in the
relationship. But we rarely flip that question
and ask what am I giving or am Igiving what I'm asking to
receive? And it's a really important
question to reflect on because we are we're so often unaware of
what we're bringing to the tableand so often very aware of what

(03:38):
our partner is or isn't bringingto the table.
So if we're not giving what we're hoping to receive, is it
really fair for us to expect that in return?
It's a tough question to ask andponder, but that's what we're
going to dive into today to. Last week, as I said, we looked
at how to create change that really sticks.
And this week we want to look atwho we're becoming while we're
making those changes. So the first part of this

(03:58):
episode is to do some light but honest reflection, reflect on
the questions that I'm going to read out, and I want us to
actually think about these really intentionally, as painful
and frustrating as they might be.
I think it's important for everyone to reflect on this
stuff, regardless of your relationship culture.
You might be feeling like you'rein a really good place.
Still important to reflect on that.
It's also important to reflect on this regardless of your

(04:19):
relationship status, because even if you're single right now,
reflecting on how you're showingup in the world and what kind of
partner you would be is an important thing to be putting in
place so that you can assess what kind of patterns you might
be having down the track. This has been something we've
identified as really important in our relationship.
So we would get into a little bit of a tiff, would get into an

(04:42):
argument, and we would find thatwe just go around in circles a
lot of the time. And it wasn't until we stopped,
we, we would notice that this isn't healthy.
We're not getting anywhere. Let's just pause, let's go away.
And we would reflect on ourselves.
And it's like, why did that trigger me?
Why did I respond that way? Why am I having a problem with
this? And then we'd come back to the
conversation. It was a very different

(05:03):
conversation. It was much more constructive
and we actually made ground. Actual change, yeah.
Yeah. And rather than just going
around and being stuck in that circle.
Yeah, and we talk about this curiosity thing on the podcast
all the time, and that's what this is.
This is one of the biggest partsof curiosity.
I think we focus a little bit more on being curious about
what's going on for your partner.
But one of the biggest and probably the first step is to be

(05:25):
curious about what's going on for you and why things are
triggering you or why you're reacting in this way.
So this is another layer of thatis being curious about yourself.
So it's an important reflection regardless of who you are.
And I want to ask these questions and seriously consider
them. So the first one is, what is it
like to share with you? Are you a good listener or do
you jump in? Are you engaged or do you

(05:46):
potentially look disinterested? And I think this is 1.
We've navigated a bit actually, because Blair.
Eyes are now I have a you. Probably noticed it on the
podcast. Yeah, don't look back at the
other episodes, but you'll see me like looking at the roof or
something. It's like, what's that?
Doing but what we've also noticed is there were lots of
stuff I would be sharing with you and you would just be quiet

(06:09):
like especially when we're driving, this happens all the
time. I'd be like I'm telling
something and then he wouldn't really react.
And sometimes it was stuff that I'm like, this deserves a
reaction. Like this is a horrible story
I'm telling you. And it took me a while to get to
the point where I would ask you and I'd be like, are you just
not interested in this? Or.
And then we found out actually, you go off in your brain and
start imagining the scene and like you're off thinking about

(06:31):
it or it'll be something that's it's impacted you.
Like you're so frustrated by it that you're actually just
frustrated now and you're thinking about what you would
have done or how you would have been in that scene or something
like that. And and I'm thinking, you know,
you know, he doesn't even care. He doesn't even think I'm
playing. A lot of stuff in my head, yeah.
But it just looks like just looks like blank.
And that happens in the podcast.Like, I'm not just wondering off

(06:51):
losing interest. I'll, I'll hear what you're
saying. And then I just go off and
visualise it. Yeah, like I play out the
scenario in my head and I forgetand I'm not actually listening
to you anymore. I'm still off.
Yeah, this scenario, but yeah, exactly.
It's a gift and a curse. Yeah.
So it's a good question to ask yourself.
How would you come across in a conversation where your partner

(07:12):
has approached you to talk? How do you interact in that?
And, and this is like to not talk about this for too much
longer, this when we identified that that was really important
and it was actually strengthenedquite a lot of our relationship
because it was like, all right, cool.
Well, you know, where are you upto in that?
And it also helped me to processwhat I'm thinking and it, it

(07:33):
strengthened our conversation. Yeah.
So it's just like, all right, cool.
I'm realising I'm not talking now and I'm doing this thing.
So I'm like, oh, cool. All right.
Well, how can I do what I'm doing, which is visualising the
the situation and put it into words.
I know this is, it sounds funny,but that was actually some
identifying that helped a lot and it helps me have that
conversation with you, but also it helps you realise I'm not

(07:55):
disinterested. I'm not switching off.
I'm actually engaged in one little and that made you feel
more validated and self too. Feel more validated and and
because I still have times whereI'm like he does not care about
this, but it has equipped me with a question or a prompt that
I can then dig into that unlocksyour Oh no no, no, I am I'm
just. Which is your attitude of
curiosity? So as your approach to.
Curiosity, not just assuming that I've just switched off, not

(08:17):
not caring at all. It's giving you language and
it's giving me language. Yeah, have a good conversation.
But but what's funny about it isI don't think you would have
triggered that. That's how you came across until
I came out and said, do you not care?
I didn't. I don't know if I said it like
that, I might have. And you, I don't think that you
would have even because it wasn't something you were like,

(08:37):
you weren't in your brain thinking I'm going to switch off
my face now and go into my brain.
You just did it. And so it wouldn't have even
been something that you are aware of how that was impacting
people until you started to reflect on none.
Yeah. What would that look like?
And you kind of laughed. I remember when we talked about
it like, Oh no, no, I'm just doing this so you, you realise

(08:58):
straight away, but until we ask these questions, there's stuff
that we just wouldn't be aware of.
And it's an important thing to to recognise because how you're
impacting your partner is reallyimportant, regardless of the
intention. And we're going to dive into
that later. And for me, it's have an anxiety
response a lot of the time. And so I, I have times where I'm

(09:19):
really aware, like I know I'm putting off, like I just am
stressed and anxious and frustrated and whatever my face
is in response to this, but it'snot I'm, it's not a fair thing
for me to be doing. It's just that's my context.
And I know that that's what it must look like when Blair
approaches me to share these things.
And so it's important for me to be aware of that so that I can,
I can unpick some of that for myself.

(09:40):
The second one is, do you bring humour and warmth in your
interactions and reactions or doyou bring stress and heaviness?
And this is kind of what I just said.
I we can have humour and warmth,but I also know that my default
was stress and heaviness like, and it just, it wasn't about
that circumstance, that context or that conversation
necessarily, but my just everything would be stress and
heaviness. And if you think about what that

(10:02):
would be like to approach somebody in that it's more
confronting. It's like for me, might feel
fair, might be like, yeah, I'm stressed and I'm, I'm
overwhelmed. So it feels fair to come to the
table with this. But as the person approaching
someone like that, that's a muchmore confronting experience.
And I think about this with our kids all the time as they'll
come to us when we're stressed. And a lot of the time our stress

(10:24):
is them or is, is inflated by them.
Yeah. And so I I'll find, I'll find
myself responding like even thismorning, I didn't realise that
our oldest was awake. And I put our baby back in his
room at like 6:00 AM or something.
And I went and hopped back in bed and all of a sudden our
oldest is standing next to the bed and freaked me out.
He's just like mom. And I was like, and my response

(10:45):
was like, what, what? And I and he's like, is it
morning? And I was like, not yet.
It was morning, just not his morning.
He's like, OK. And he went back and I was like,
I love you. And he didn't, I don't think he
heard me. I was like, I love you.
And I realised straight away my response was what?
Like that's that's all he saw. I've approached my mom and in
the morning, it's her first interaction we've had together.

(11:06):
And she's been like, what? I said that I actually got up
and went and talked to them partially because the two boys
started talking and I was like, guys, no.
But also to say I love you, I'm sorry.
Like just be just be relaxed. We're just going to like rest in
bed. But yeah, I'm sorry.
You scared me basically. But The funny thing is I scared
him when I came in and he scaredme when he came into my room.
And then I reacted that way. And then when I go in and he's

(11:28):
like, oh, you freaked me out. So, you know, don't do it.
But yeah, that's it. That's a good question, a good
thing to think about. How are you reacting when people
approach you? Another one is, are you reliable
and trustworthy? Do you follow through on what
you say you'll do very consistent in how you respond to
interact and show up. And this is a tough one because

(11:49):
we have all the reasons in the world that go through our brains
about why we do or don't do things, why we do or don't
follow through on there. And I'm just as bad as anybody
with this. And we've said on this on this
podcast before, we don't see theinternal conversation.
So unless we communicate what's going on for us, our partner
only knows what they're observing, right?
They might know more than that because they know us deeply and

(12:11):
they can put pieces together, but really all we can expect for
them to understand is what we'vecommunicated.
And so we might have a bazillionreasons for why we're not
following through and what we'vesaid, why we're not, you know,
being consistent in these things.
There might be all the reasons in the world, but if we're not
communicating that with our partner, all they see is
inconsistency, not following through and what what you've

(12:32):
said, not being trustworthy in that space.
And that actually really impactshow they'll feel in terms of
safety in their relationship. Reliability is a big value of
like I, I, I struggle with when someone is not reliable or
something is not reliable, it builds that frustration in me
because it does build trust, youknow, like it's, you don't
really separate reliability and trustworthy.

(12:54):
You think if you're not reliable, what don't trust like
you lose. There's this element of trust
that's gone in that as well. And I think in a relationship,
trust itself is a huge thing. If you don't have trust it's.
Like. It's massive.
Security. I don't know.
This doesn't sound so much like not doing what you said you'll
do. It could be such a light thing.
I could be like, I didn't do thedishes and I said I would or I
didn't get groceries and I said I would.

(13:15):
Like those kinds of things don'tseem like our relationships
eroded. But then there's, but it does
build into trust. Like it actually really impacts
trust. And then there's deeper trust
stuff like not sticking to the things that are more like more
serious as well. And that trust element, it kind
of impacts all of it. It impacts like just because you
might have fallen through on onepart, the trust kind of impacts

(13:38):
across the board. It's not, it's not really
specific to certain areas. Once somebody loses their
reliability or their trust, they're kind of, you don't
really trust them with anything.It's not just this one area.
I don't trust them. So it kind of seeps into
everything and it's important. And it's not to say you can
never, ever fall through or failor make a mistake or you're
going to ruin this. This is all coming back to

(13:59):
having that conversation. What is your partner seeing?
Is your partner only seeing you not following through on the
things you're saying and then itnever gets touched on again?
Is your partner only seeing those things?
Or are you bringing a partner inon that conversation and saying,
hey, sorry, I forgot about this or hey, sorry, this is what I'm
processing. I'm actually feeling really, my
mental health is really low and I'm just not able to manage.
Like, what is that conversation that's being brought in, they're

(14:22):
being brought in on and what arethey aware of?
And the consistency and how you respond, interact and show up is
huge. And we've talked about this with
attachment styles when we went through that when you're a
child, the consistency of your caregiver was the important
thing in terms of what attachment style you might have
developed as you grew. So it wasn't that they were
really loving sometimes, but then they're really harsh

(14:45):
sometimes. That's an inconsistency.
So the inconsistency is what creates that attachment style.
Doesn't matter how loving you are 70% of the time, if you've
got these other inconsistent behaviours, the inconsistency is
where the damage can come in. And again, that's why the
conversation is important. That's why I think it's so
important when you're a parent to bring your kids in on your

(15:05):
processing. Again, you'll make mistakes,
Everybody makes mistakes. You haven't, you know, ruined
everything just because you've made mistakes.
But if you can bring your kids in on your vulnerability and
your processing of that and say,hey, I'm really sorry that I
reacted that way like I did withwith our oldest this morning,
going in and making up for it sothat it's not just left there
for them to put the pieces together.
That's really important. And it's the same with your

(15:26):
partner. If you're inconsistent in your
responses, you're going to builda story for them and, and an
attachment style will probably come to play out, especially if
they've got past trauma with their family.
That will start to come to play out in your relationship if
you're not bringing them in on that conversation and and
showing a vulnerability or flexibility there as well.
So going back to the reliable stuff too, like let's go work

(15:47):
context, and this is not my worksituation at the moment, just to
be very clear. So if any of my workmates are
listening, I'm not talking aboutyou.
So. Like the other one.
Yeah, the other, the other guy. No, no, I'm genuine and I
genuinely mean that, you know, All right, If we look at a word
context, right, So someone is not reliable in terms of showing
up on time or following through with what they said that they

(16:08):
would do. The frustration and the
bitterness and everything that comes with that just increases,
increases over time. And so I think what what's
really important when we ask ourselves a question is like,
well, why is that bothering me so much?
So why do I get bothered by thisperson doing that?
So look outside of your relationship too, right?
So you don't have to just look at everything in your
relationship. Look at outside of your

(16:29):
relationship and the way that werespond to those sorts of things
and can help bring some clarity to your situation in your
relationship. And then ask yourself, well, if
you're the late person every time, how might that you know,
impacts your work mates around you too?
So again, having that external perspective outside of your
relationship also helps you identify things that are in your

(16:50):
relationship. Definitely.
As well. So just trying to have those
different perspectives there. So and again, this isn't to put
you down and say like these are all the areas that you're a bad
person in. That's not what we're saying.
No, no. What we're saying is if you
don't know of the areas where you can grow, well, you don't
know how to take the first step.So trying to help you identify
where you are, where you wanna be and the steps to actually get

(17:13):
there. And you can't do that.
This is exactly what Amy does with her clients, is walking
through and helping them identify.
You already have everything thatyou need, you're just gonna be
able to see it. So I mean navigates through and
a lot of stuff that gonna be coming out now, YouTube is that
as well. How do you identify those steps
for yourself? How do you set your own path in
working through these? Things yeah, that's a good one
because I think when you're talking about your relationship,

(17:35):
your romantic relationship, there's a, it's a harder context
to assess. So it sometimes is easier to
remove yourself and look at it from a work perspective or
remove yourself and look at it from a parent child perspective.
That one's really helpful for mebecause when I think about how
innocent and, and, you know, trusting and loving my child is

(17:55):
and how I'm reacting to them andwhat I'm impacting them, it
makes it so clear for me to workthings really good because it
takes out the emotion. Hopefully you're not in love
with your workmate, you know, hopefully you're not at a
Coldplay concert. And so it does remove that to
help because when you're, when you're trying to assess your
relationship, it's, it can be somuddy and it can be the emotions

(18:17):
that come with it can make it look less or more impactful.
The the kind of competitiveness that can go on and the the long
termness of it. Yeah, exactly.
It can make it hard to really assess correctly.
So yes, if you're struggling with this stuff, great idea to
think about it from an outsider perspective or a different
context. The next one is, what is it like
to approach you? Would your partner feel safe and

(18:39):
held when they come to you with concerns or challenges?
Would they be confident in how you'd accept and hear them?
Or would they come to you with anxiety, unsure of which version
of you they're going to receive?This is a similar one to that
last part of the previous one. Like are you consistent in how
you respond? If your partner would not feel
safe and secure in approaching you with a concern, they likely
are going to be less and less likely to approach you with a

(19:00):
concern. And think about this from the
flip side, you approaching your partner.
I've heard this so many times and I've experienced it with
myself not wanting to bring something up because I don't
want to rock the boat or I don'twant them to get upset or I
don't want them to be angry or whatever The thing is.
And and then justifying it like,oh, I didn't want to rock the
boat, so I'm not going to bring it up.
That's the same thing your partner might be experiencing.
If you're not a consistent safe person to bring concerns, you're

(19:22):
not someone who will assess what's going on and take what
they're saying seriously and hear them.
Instead respond with some kind of reaction or be changeable.
Be like really open to it sometimes, really cranky
sometimes. Your partner is probably going
to impact how safely, how safe they feel in terms of raising
topics with you, which is still their responsibility to
navigate. We're looking at what impact you

(19:43):
can have on your culture, and this is an important one.
This is one I've really reflected on again, going back
to that work scenario. A lot of times I find myself for
the team that I managed, like we'll meet and I'll share
something and I go straight intostrategy.
I go straight into fix it. And then I also bring that into
our relationship too. Like I, I afterwards I reflect

(20:03):
like, oh damn it, I shouldn't, you know, I should just.
Shut up and listen. But other times, like in the
moment I catch myself and I try and back pedal and I'm like,
yeah, yeah, you just, you do you.
And I'm here listening and I just like, I just vomit a lot of
words because I'm trying to process that.
But again, I'm aware of that. I am aware of that because I've
been reflecting on that and I'm in that process now of trying to

(20:27):
work through that, you know, and, and again, race is a big
part of this process. It's like the first step is
identifying is being aware of that and then giving yourself
the grace to go on that journey to change.
Change is a life long thing. You know, we're never going to
be perfect. We're always going to be
changing. We just want to be intentional
with that change and that growth.
But yeah. And again, you stumbling through

(20:49):
that process because you're trying to implement it is one
thing. You bringing people in on that
and and making it clear. Sorry, I'm just I am trying not
to jump to fix it. Mode is huge, so that
immediately gives context and and softens that approach.
I had a bad, OK, just again, transparency, I had a bad day at
work yesterday. I was cranky.

(21:09):
There was some stuff that was impacting the way that I was
responding to things and, and I was very short and sharp and
dismissive and all that. And then afterwards I'm like,
I've got to own that. Like I, I stopped and I
reflected, I'm like, why am I responding?
Why am I struggling to just talknicely today?
You know, and I was noticing I was being a person that I just
did not want to be. I was being a leader that I just

(21:30):
did not want to be. I was being a Workman that I did
not want to be. And I sat with that and I was
reflecting. I'm like, all right, cool.
Well, these are all the things that could be impacting my mood
right now. And these are all things that
are separate from these people. You know, these are all things
that have nothing to do with them and but they're copying it.
And so I'm like, cool, well, nowI'm going to do the thing I

(21:52):
don't want to do is I'm going tocall them and I'm going to
apologise and I'm going to say, look, this is the situation.
I'm sorry I'm dealing with this and I took it out on you there
and it's not OK. And again, that's a big part of
this is identifying it. It's OK to mess up, you know
what I mean? It's OK to mess up.
We mess up all the time. We hurt people.
We don't mean to hurt. The biggest thing is if you sit

(22:14):
with that and you're not willingto amends that or pitch that or
address that. We'll learn from that.
We'll. Learn from that.
You're just going to spiral and it's just going to get worse and
worse and worse. And again, in the conversation
in your relationship, if you're not having that conversation, if
you're not sharing with your partner the things that you are
trying to work through and why, and in the reflections you've

(22:35):
had after you might have had a disagreement or an argument or
you did something silly, you theconversation stops and that's
when the bad things happen. Yeah, yeah, that's so good.
The next one is how is your teamwork?
Do you accept and invite help with a light and open approach?
Do you have expectations that are unmet, unrealistic or
unspoken that you project on your partner?

(22:55):
Does your partner feel safe to try mess up and ask for clarity
or would they be met with disgust or irritation?
And we talk about mental load a lot on this podcast and because
it's huge and it's important, but one of the things that we do
sometimes highlight as well is how are you allowing your
partner to help or to become that, to be that teammate to

(23:16):
you? And if there's an element of
disgust, irritation, lack of grace, lack of letting them grow
and learn and lacking them, lackof letting them own that thing,
you'll probably find more and more mental load because you
just are not releasing that stuff there.
Why would someone push through with an irritated teacher or an
irritated person? That's like handing something

(23:36):
over to them. Why would they push through to
do the thing that's difficult ifthey don't even feel like
they're able to learn? And I think you can probably
think of teachers you've had in school and the ones that were
really just not engaged, not friendly, not nice, just very
kind of dismissive. They didn't help you want to
learn. But the ones that were like
helpful had grace for you listento your questions, we're gentle,

(23:59):
we're curious. They were always my favourite
teachers and they those classes were always the classes I did
the best in, even if I didn't like that subject because of how
they approach teaching. And it's the same sort of thing
here. Not that you need to own your
partner's initiative in the relationship, but what kind of
teammate are you being and what kind of reception are they
having when they're joining in this team?

(24:21):
It's important one to reflect onespecially that the disgust or
irritation, the irritation 1 Andagain, when I think about my
kids, this is such a perfect example because I do like, I'll
just be like, so much harder to like teach you to do this thing
than just do it myself. And, and I do tend to have a bit
of a default irritation there. Next one is how do you face
criticism? Do you hear it, process it and

(24:42):
explore your role in it? Do you shut down and avoid?
Are you passive aggressive or maybe actually aggressive?
And this all comes back to those4 horsemen when we're talking
about those, those red flags in relationships, the way that you
navigate conversations, are you stonewalling?
Are you avoiding? Are you kind of aggressive?
Are those, are they, are there these things coming in when
you're facing criticism that shut down or are not

(25:04):
constructive in your relationship?
How do you face criticism? And the last one I've got here
is, does your partner know you love them?
I think this is the most important and it probably should
have been off the top of my list.
Does your partner know you love them?
Do they know what you love aboutthem?
Do you vocalise your appreciation and reassure them?
Or do you struggle to find positives about them at all?
And this comes in a lot with contempt.

(25:25):
You can find yourself finding a hard to even find one positive
about your partner. And it's not that your partner
has no positives. Everybody has some positive.
Every single person would have some positive about them.
So if you are in a relationship with someone and you can't find
a positive, then there's something off about your
attitude and your approach to them or you're hurt from doesn't
doesn't mean to dismiss what hurt you might have experienced

(25:46):
from them. But there's a, there's an
attitude that is blocking you from from seeing those things.
And you need to be aware of thatmore than anything is.
If you're unaware of that, that's when the the trouble
comes in. If your partner doesn't know
what you love about them, that is a problem in my opinion.
If your partner does not know what you appreciate about them,

(26:07):
what you think about when you think about the things you love
about them, if they aren't awareof those things, all they're
seeing and hearing is not those things.
So think about that. How would you feel if that's all
you are seeing and hearing from your partner?
And that's an important place tostart because that that love and
appreciation is something that can soften and heal so many
areas of life, so many areas. So if that's missing, then it's

(26:31):
going to make every area of lifeharder.
Sometimes saying the love part is one of the hardest things.
You know, when you're when you're really in the thick of
it, like we've, we've spoken to people, people before about how
just saying I love you can be very, very hard because if stuff
that's built up the, the, the bitterness is built up, those

(26:51):
words, it doesn't necessarily mean that they don't, They're
saying it can be very, very hard.
So if that's you now, like I just want to challenge you.
Just, I know it can be hard, butjust look for one opportunity,
like prep yourself, like go intoyour day, write a a note or
something just to remind your partner that you love them.

(27:12):
It's just a start. It's not, it might not be easy.
It softens everything because itthen will help them put their
wall down. That's just a little bit more,
you know? Yeah.
Yeah, I picture it like, you know, when you fill a glass of
water and then you get to the top, if you're doing it slowly
enough, it kind of builds that resistance layer.
And there's scientific words forthis that I'm not going to get
right. I'm not even, I was trying to
remember what it is, but there'slike it kind of bubbles at the

(27:35):
top because there's this surfacetension.
There we go. The surface tension is, is
holding it together a little bit.
And I feel like this kind of just saying I love you or just
saying an appreciation thing canbe the tiny little drop that
that bursts that surface tension.
It doesn't mean it fixes that whole glass full of whatever

(27:55):
you're navigating, but it can start to spill over the edge.
It can just be that tiny little bit that allows things to start
to move and flow and heal. And so, and it can feel so hard.
Like we, I find sometimes those kinds of expressions of
affection, even when we're not even struggling, can it just
feels, it doesn't feel natural or easy all the time.
Sometimes it is and sometimes it's not.

(28:17):
And so it's just, it can sometimes be this weird thing
that like is you so put off and put off and put off for whatever
reason. But it's also so easy like to do
1 tiny thing like that. So if you're not trying it and
you're wanting things to change,why not try it?
So that's a number of questions we can reflect on.
These are important questions toreflect on how we're coming

(28:37):
across in these ways. And this is just a collection of
them. They're not the questions,
they're not all of the things that you might be impacting, but
just ways to put your brain in that space of like, how am I as
a partner? What is my partner experiencing
from me in these spaces? So we're going to put these
questions up on our website as well for you to be able to go

(28:57):
through yourself so you can download it and fill them in.
For you to just sit and reflect and go through that rather than
just trying to remember everything that we've said here.
It's all going to be on our website, so check.
That out? Yeah, exactly.
And we're not asking these questions for you to feel
progressively bad about who you are as a partner.
That's not the reason that we'rehaving this conversation and

(29:18):
this workshopping. It's just to stretch our
perspective and unlock new approaches because it's so easy
to be really narrow focused, narrow minded on on what is
happening and see the problem asthis isolated incident.
And it is much harder to stretchour brains to think outside of
this isolated experience and tryto find new approaches.

(29:39):
And this activity is to stretch our minds.
It's kind of like just kneading it out.
Doesn't mean that one like all of it's going to catch or all of
it's going to be the way to navigate it.
But just stretching this perspective helps us approach it
in a new way and maybe does unlock new ways to to approach
the things that we're navigatingin our relationship, the
challenges that we're having with our relationship culture.

(30:01):
So the important thing that's kind of played out all through
this episode is intention versusimpact.
And we spoke about this a few weeks ago as well.
I didn't mean it like that versus it still landed like
that. So I didn't mean it like that,
but that's how it came across. We've, we talked about this, I
think in our Clumsy conversations series that we
were doing, but we often judge other people by their impacts

(30:23):
and we excuse ourselves by our intention.
And it is harder to judge us ourselves by our impact and
excuse other people by their intention.
Because as we've said, through this thing, we only see and hear
what is communicated and what's on the table.
And we're only responsible for what's communicated to us.
We can't expect our partner to be reading between the lines,

(30:45):
especially if we're not reading between the lines.
So it's so easy to judge others by their impact and excuse
ourselves by our intentions. And it then becomes really easy
to be blind to our impact and come across really hypocritical
or really not constructive in terms of working on the culture
in your relationship. So one activity that you can

(31:07):
use, one practical tip is to usethe mirror effect.
And that is what we've kind of just done.
But if my partner treated me theway I just treated them, how
would I feel? So some examples of this is if
my partner always left wet towels on the floor like I just
did, how would I feel? Or if my partner dismissed my
story because they were distracted by their phone like I

(31:28):
might have just been, how would I feel?
Or if my partner was sarcastic or rolled their eyes in a tense
moment like I just did, how would I feel?
And those are important things like it's hard to catch yourself
in those things, but when you do, just being like, how would I
feel as a recipient of that is ahelpful tool.
This is about building empathy and self awareness.
And that's what healthy couples have is empathy and self

(31:50):
awareness and curiosity. I'll throw in there too, because
empathy is something we practise.
It's something that can be built.
You might not have it naturally.It's something that can be
built. And self awareness is something
that helps us regularly put ourselves in the shoes of other
people. That curiosity and self
awareness in the shoes of other people and recognise what we're
bringing to the table. And those things help us to

(32:10):
create safety, trust, and repairthings faster in our
relationship than if we're just ignoring them.
It helps as well as when you know the circumstance that
you've already discussed before,right?
So for example, what I've been doing recently is like, I know I
joke a lot, right? Like I muck around a lot.
I play a lot with you and sometimes you're like, where's
the plane and where's the flirting?

(32:32):
But you haven't been able to tell that line.
And so other than what I've beendoing recently is like, all
right, well, let's just being aware because I just muck
around. I'm not even really intentional.
I don't really think about, I'm just being silly, but I can just
do it for too long, right? So something I've been really
trying to do is like, it's not that you don't be silly and
don't have fun, but where's likeknowing where the line is or
just just trying to find the line while you're doing it.

(32:55):
And like, I think even might have been this morning or
yesterday, I was mucking around and in my head I was
internalising this. So I'm like, all right, I've
been mucking around for a littlewhile now.
I'll just stop. Like I don't need to go any
further with that. So just that again, just
knowing, knowing that Amy has struggled with that in the past.
So you you'd have to try and make up a scenario of like, oh,
I wonder how Amy would respond to that.

(33:17):
It's like gonna pick something that you've already spoken about
and assess that. Yeah, that's good.
Yeah. If people have been, if your
partner's been raising things with you, that's a great place
to start because that is it is what it is.
And you, you might think, oh, that's not fair because of this,
this and this again, that intention versus impact thing,
it's not fair because I was justhaving fun, like I was just
being fun. I was just having fun.

(33:38):
And that's great. But again, that impact versus
intention, the impact, if I've expressed, I find it hard when
it's all just jokey, that's the impact I'm getting.
So that's valid to look into. So it's really, it's really a
good place to start when you're trying to assess these things.
So this is where it gets tricky though, because as we've said,
owning your side, it doesn't mean you own the relationship.

(33:59):
Like you're not in charge of fixing everything.
Us highlighting these things is not to say you're the problem.
You're the one responsible for all this bad culture going on in
your relationship. You're responsible for your
partner's reactions and responses because you're not
showing up this way. That's not at all our heart
behind this. Like we said at the beginning,
the heart behind this is showingyou where you are, where you

(34:20):
have control, where you have power to change things.
And that is the only thing we'vegot is our own ownership of the
stuff that we can own. We cannot control what our
partner brings to the table or how they react.
We can't. But we can control how we come
to the table. So owning your side doesn't mean
carrying the whole relationship.This is not an exercise about
saying, oh, you have relationship problems.

(34:41):
Well, you're the problem. Like that's not why we're saying
this. It's just about expanding our
perspective, like I said earlier, helping us see things
from a different perspective andhelping us feel empowered by
noticing where we can adjust. And it is easier said than done.
But this is not about perfection.
And it comes back to that half size it exercise from last week,
which is we're noticing something that we've we've

(35:03):
noticed is, is a pattern in our reactions or as we've noticed
this is how we're coming across,it's something we want to
change. We notice that we cut it down,
we cut it down, we cut it down to the smallest manageable step
to start implementing change. And like you said, change is
long term. This is something that we need
to be flexible and changeable and learning our whole
relationships, our whole lives. And so it's not about getting it

(35:23):
right and fixing it, it's about moving in that direction.
Notice one of these things. If something's come to your your
mind over this conversation, cutit down.
Cut it down, cut it down. Sometimes as well, like
sometimes there's so many thingsthat we're trying to work on.
Yeah at once and it's overwhelming.
And, and again, this is down to the conversation.
Like sometimes I've had to say Iam like, look, I, I know she,
she mentions like you're still doing this or something,

(35:44):
anything that. You're still.
Doing this, but like some sometimes I've felt overwhelmed
with the amount of things that I'm trying to cover.
We've just had to have the conversation of, OK, I, I, I see
that, I hear that. I've just, I can't do it all
now. So what I'm gonna focus on is
this. And we, I hear it, I'm, I'm
seeing it and I, I address it. I will, I will address it.

(36:05):
It's like commitment to working on things, giving game, just
understanding you can only do somuch, right?
There's only so many things at atime you can work on.
So if you're trying to do 10 different things that you're
working on, you're gonna be so overwhelmed with that.
It's just committing to that journey together.
It's communicating where you're at.
Don't just assume that your partner knows where you're at or
what strategy you have in place to actually work on yourself.

(36:27):
They won't know any of that. And to have that expectation
isn't really fair. It's just like a communication.
Communicate, communicate, communicate.
Yeah. Yeah, we want change at lasts
like we spoke about last week, that's it has to be sustainable,
it has to be manageable. And if you do try to change too
much, try to navigate too much, you will burn out.
And that's not sustainable. It's not actually going to last.

(36:48):
It's not going to be implementedproperly.
But that conversation is huge. Saying that, literally naming
that, you're like, yeah, I'm, I'll work on that slowly.
I'm getting there. I'm navigating this.
This is where I'm at. Just want to let you know.
And also the other thing with this too is if you're anything
like us, you might be reading through this list and feel
yourself getting a bit defensiveduring some of these things.
Many people are like, well, it'sreally easy to think, well, my

(37:10):
partner is worse at this than I am.
My partner's not doing this, this and this.
And it's easy to fall into that defensive thought with these
things like, yeah, I know you'resaying this, but also my partner
doesn't do that. Yeah, I know this is happening,
but my partner's worse at this and we get it like totally
understand that. But the truth is you are the
only person you can grow. You're the only person that you
can implement things in. You can you can help encourage a

(37:32):
partner, but we're talking aboutyou and what you can implement
in your relationship today. So if you have been listening
and you felt yourself defensive question that be curious about
that. Just have have that be a trigger
to explore and reflect and do some of these flipping exercises
or that mirror effect exercise. And if you've found something
and you've realised there's, there's areas you've been

(37:53):
unaware of and you want to work on things, here's just a summary
of what you can do practically to start implementing those
things. So use the mirror effect, that
mirror check. How would I feel if my partner
did what I just did to me? Ask yourself, would I want to be
married to me right now? And when you catch yourself
wishing for a change in your partner, ask yourself, am I
showing up as the kind of partner that the partner I wish

(38:13):
I had deserves to have? If you want your partner to do
more around the house and be more involved, are you showing
up? And this is just a question, a
curious question, not an accusation.
Are you showing up as the kind of partner that a partner that's
more involved around the house deserves to have?
Someone gentle, someone great with grace, someone who lets
them own things. Are you showing up like that?

(38:33):
If you want your partner to be more engaged in affection and
that sort of thing, are you showing up as a partner that
deserves a partner that's reallyengaged in showing you physical
affection and showing showing you appreciation?
And these are important questions.
I was just saying, and it's alsoback to the mirroring thing too.
You know, if I'm wanting affection by you, from you, but
I'm not showing, I'm not giving it to you in the 1st place like

(38:56):
you know, there again, I'm not owning that for you, but mirror,
mirror what you're wanting as well.
Because if we're expecting that from our partner or not, we're
not giving it. Do we deserve to expect that
from our partner? If we're not willing to do what
the partner we want to have deserves to receive, are we
deserving of expecting more fromour partner?

(39:16):
And it's tricky because it's easy in the affection side, for
example, it's easy to get withdrawn and withdrawn and put
your walls up and stuff because your partner's not showing you
affection, especially if you've raised it before.
It is easy to get into that place.
But then the issue becomes that just continues the story, that
continues to build its own story.
So it's an important question toask.
Another practical thing is just notice one area of growth and

(39:39):
shrink it down half size at halfsize at like we talked about to
a doable manageable step, the smallest manageable step if
that's what works for you. And the the 4th one, which again
I think is one of the most important ones I should have had
at the top of the list. Practise vocalising what you
love and appreciate about your partner, even if it feels
awkward. Adjust your approach and even
your physical softness. So your tone of voice, your body

(40:01):
posture, your eye contact, that sort of thing.
In terms of your interactions, practise showing your partner.
Your love and showing your partner your appreciation for
them. Vocalising it is the word.
Vocalising. At the start, and I think that
is really easy to stop doing. Yeah, in a relationship, it's
very, very easy to stop doing that.
So in leadership development, you know, we, there's four

(40:22):
keywords so that I got taught and I, I teach all of our
leaders in, in our work now. And the four keywords are are
firm affirm, affirm, affirm. And in leadership, that's so
important to be coming with affirmation and, and identifying
like the good things about your team.
And again, like we, we learn these things in business world,
we learn these things out there in the workforce.

(40:43):
But when do we bring that back into the home?
And so I just want to give that to you.
The four keywords are firmer, firmer, firmer, firm.
Easy to remember. So easy, you know, they're very
similar words, but you know whenyou say something about me, when
you notice something like I lovethis about you like even
something silly like sometimes you like I love your beard,

(41:04):
right it's like. If I say that all the time, you.
Say it all the time but it's like no, you like might be like
oh, you've got a good beard It'slike it's it's such in terms of
priority for me, it's on the bottom.
I don't care right that much. But when you notice something
about me, it stands out and it pumps me up and it's like oh
sweet well this is what I love about you.
You know, I want to give that back like, but if I don't hear

(41:26):
any of that ever, you notice it,you feel kind of like asking the
question, why am I here, right? Like you can just be so easy to
fall and to that place. So yeah, firm a firm, a firm a
firm vocalising what you love and appreciate about your
partner has so much power and weight behind.
It yeah, definitely. So those are some of the things
you can start right now, practical steps.
And I, I can't guarantee you that this will fix your

(41:48):
relationship, but what I can guarantee you is that you
adjusting these things and working on these things and
having this self awareness is going to, is going to impact the
culture of your relationship in some way.
And is the first and only steps you can take, right?
Like they are the most important.
And, and the first steps you should be taking is assessing
where you're at and what you're bringing to the table.

(42:08):
And then everything else can follow from there.
So just to summarise what you can reflect on this week, Would
I want to be married to myself right now?
And if not, why? And if yes, why?
Like what is it that you're you would love to be receiving to
what is one thing I could model this week that I wish my partner
did more of and model it withoutthat sock.
I just be careful. Like, don't be like, look at me

(42:30):
doing the dishes. Yeah, yeah, look at me.
That's all I've got Look at me maybe because Blake keeps doing
the dishes. What what is something you can
model with a with a gentle loving heart to your partner
that you would love to receive more of and just pick one of
these micro shifts doing that breakdown step so you can get it
down to the most manageable stepyou can.
So when you start showing up as the partner you'd actually want

(42:53):
to be married to, you create a culture that your partner can
lean into. And that's just a final thought
there that. Was a good thought.
Good check guys. See you next week.
See you. Bye.