66. How to Reignite the Spark in Your Relationship | Fresh Honeymoon Vibes at Home

Ever wondered why your relationship felt so exciting at the start, and how to bring some of that back now? In this episode of Honey We Need to Chat, Amy and Blair dive into the science of attraction (dopamine vs. oxytocin), why the honeymoon phase fades, and, most importantly, how to reignite the spark in your relationship today.

We’ll share:✅ Why the early days feel so different (and what’s happening in your brain)✅ How to use anchors and memories to reconnect with your partner✅ Questions that spark curiosity and deepen connection✅ Two simple, practical activities you can do THIS week to create fresh honeymoon vibes

Whether you’re dating, married, or somewhere in between, these tips will help you move past routine, shift out of “roommate mode,” and rediscover what makes your love fun, safe, and alive.

📌 Try the challenges in this episode and let us know how it goes, we’d love to hear your reflections!

👉 Free resources + coaching tools: ⁠honeyweneedtochat.com

relationship advice, how to reignite the spark, honeymoon phase explained, how to keep love alive, marriage tips, dating advice, healthy relationship habits, how to stop being roommates, revive relationship spark, communication in marriage, intimacy tips, how to connect with your partner, relationship podcast, relationship reset

How to Reignite the Spark in Your Relationship | Fresh Honeymoon Vibes at Home

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Imagine this, someone comes up to you and your partner and says
hey I know life this week still has the list of things you need
to do like school drop offs, laundries, dinners.
But what if you also got to stepinto a honeymoon?
A fresh honeymoon 1 woven into your everyday life.
No countdown, no big trip, just an intentional spark into your
everyday life. Well, that is what this episode

(00:21):
is all about. We need to chat.
Today we're going to be looking at why those early days of love
look so different for relationships, what changes as
the years go on in relationships, and how we can

(00:43):
weave some of that early spark back into our everyday lives now
in really doable, practical ways.
So stick around because we've got practical outworkings of
this, but we're going to dive into what happens in
relationships to adjust this spark honeymoony period that
goes on at the beginning. Absolutely.
So welcome back to another episode of Honey Weenie Need to

(01:03):
Chat, the podcast all about communication in a relationship.
We believe when communication dies in a relationship, bad
things happen in a relationship.So I'm glad this is my wife,
Amy. We're just your everyday couple,
navigating your everyday struggles just to help you
realise that you can too. There's nothing unique or
special about us. We're just committed to that
journey and that growth and we want to do that with you.

(01:24):
So if you're new, hey, welcome to this episode.
If you're not new, hey. Welcome.
Welcome back Amy and I. We do this podcast as one of the
little things that we do. We also run our YouTube channel.
So if you're on YouTube, great, check you've done that.
We also bring out our weekly vlogs and we're also coming out

(01:44):
with more content as well. So make sure you head over to
YouTube live, share, subscribe, all that good stuff.
Communicate with us in the comments about the episodes of
the vlogs or also the coaching material coming out on YouTube
as well. But make sure you subscribe
there so you get notified when it does come out.
And today I'm wrapping and we need to chat.
We were gifted these shirts fromour workplace, which we are so

(02:07):
excited, so grateful for after our win of our award the other
week. So thank you daddy's group.
And it's really easy on this podcast and when you're tackling
relationship topics to have a lot of, I guess, hard work or
maybe things that feel burdensome or negative.
We try not to be too negative, but a lot of our topics are

(02:28):
heavy. Like they're, they're serious.
They're things that we dive intoparts of relationships that
might be a little bit painful inthe hopes to bring hope and
constructiveness to it. But this week we've just gone
through a relationship reset miniseries.
We've dived into some stuff to really reset relationships, but
we wanted to focus on something a little more immediately fun, a

(02:49):
little bit immediately more lighthearted than probably some
of the other topics. So we thought it would be nice
to explore this topic of kind ofa fresh honeymoon or a fresh
revival to your spark in the relationship as well, which is
an important part of relationships that's often not
touched on because we've got so many other big ticket items that
we're going through. So that's why we wanted to dive

(03:12):
into this and explore what goes on for people.
So why is it that in the early days, relationships feel so
different? Well, on my expert opinion, Oh
yeah. No, no, I think, you know, if I
think back to our early days, itwas this like magical, you know,
time of I'm getting to know you and it's like you actually like

(03:32):
me. You know, it's it's just like
reciprocal, reciprocal. They're reciprocal thing of
like, I'm interested in you. I'm getting to know you more,
but you like me and that's awesome.
So it's just like special thing when you identify that person.
It's it's amazing. It's just so, yeah, magical is a
cheesy way of saying it, but I mean, it's like, it's, it's that

(03:54):
new thing. It's like, what is happening,
what's going on? And you you're on an adventure
to figure out what's going on. Yeah, and everything's new.
There's tonnes of stuff to explore.
Like literally, unless you've known them your whole life, and
even then you're learning them on a a totally different layer
level. Layer, layer is what I was
trying to say, but it sounded like I said layer anyway.

(04:14):
And there's just so much to explore.
So every piece of information for every interaction that's on
a new level of like affection orintimacy is really heightened.
And there's a reason for that. I was looking into what the
scientific reason for that is, and it's that it's all dopamine
based. So your brain is really flooded
with dopamine at the beginning, which is the reward chemical.

(04:34):
So it makes everything feel veryexciting and novel.
And there's another chemical which I have to write down on
how it says Nora, pinephrine, norepinephrine, which is
sometimes also called noradrenaline.
And that's the excitement chemical and those kinds of
things, because things are new, they're a very present chemical

(04:57):
at the beginning. Your brain is interpreting
falling in love as a really exciting big novel thing, which
it is in the potential connection and the potential
significance and all these things especially, you know,
you've grown up probably projecting that you'll fall in
love and meet somebody. And when it starts to happen,
it's like, Oh my gosh, I've thought about this for so long.
And so it starts to fire up all these chemicals that make you

(05:19):
pay closer attention, strengthenbonds.
It's all very helpful for that process, but it's very exciting.
And that's one of the reasons why things feel so tense at the
very beginning. Yeah, because you get this like
fluctuation with each other, infatuation with each other of
like, I mean, I just need, I need to, you know, like text you

(05:40):
more. I need to spend more time with
you. It's just like real draw to each
other and it's kind of an uncontrollable draw if it makes
sense. Like it's like this like need
thing. Not a Yeah, well, not just a one
thing. It's funny because if you think
about how you talked to other people at that time, at least I
was like, I could hear myself talking sometimes and be like, I

(06:01):
know I'm annoying right now, butI can't not talk about Blair.
Like I just, that's all I was thinking about and it's, it's
the whole excitement and, and I've got someone in my life
going through this right now andit's fun to see them communicate
this way in this excitement. And it's not weak or silly.
No, no, no. It's just what it.
Is it's just yeah. The point they're they're up to
in that relationship. Exactly.

(06:22):
So this, you're very hyper attentive to everything going on
and so your brain is literally helping you tune in on
everything. So you're noticing their laughs,
their quirks, their voice, the way that they touch you.
And that's one thing that I was going to reflect on.
On our second date, we went to Target to buy Target or Kmart to
buy a clothes rack for you. That's right.
Yeah. Yeah.

(06:42):
And there was this point where you just kind of gently put your
hand on my back as we were walking around, and I went
bright red and you commented on it.
Yeah, you're like, look at you blushing.
And I was blushing now. This is what, 15 years ago or
something? Or 12 years ago. 13 it's.
Insane memory. 12 years ago, yeah.
Yeah, well, I just remember you commenting on and I blush like
my face is so annoying because. Amy doesn't hide.

(07:05):
Everything. Even when I'm like, yeah,
anyway, dive into that. But.
And so I just remember being like, oh, it's like so aware of
the fact that your hand was on my back and then being like,
very cool, Amy. But your face is like, no, you
started commenting. On it.
And then I couldn't like, avoid being aware of that.
So I was like, yeah, thank you. Don't comment on people who

(07:28):
blush. Don't do it, guys.
Unless it's in a flirty way, then I say, but don't.
I've had just don't people comment on it in a really not
helpful way. Yeah, but that is like, now your
touch doesn't make it doesn't make me.
I'm not like super aware of yourhand on my back anymore.
I still feel it's nice, but it'snot the same kind of like, whoa,

(07:48):
Yeah. And every little thing like that
at the beginning is amplified. Yeah.
And especially because those areyour firsts of everything too,
right. So anyway, it's not.
It's just it's part of your brain telling you that these
things are important and that it's a normal part of getting to
know somebody and moving into that stuff.
Your brain is telling you that this person matters.
So every detail, including theirappearance, their, the way that

(08:11):
you're interacting, but then also the details about them.
There's all these questions. And we talk about curiosity on
here a lot. We talk about, you know, asking
questions and we've given examples of that.
Even the would you rather's, which we'll get into later.
There's every piece of information to learn.
So it's not like now we'll have really good conversations and
and you can really still have good conversations, but it's

(08:33):
it's a different it's it's almost like when we discover
something new about each other, it's really weird.
It's kind of like whoa. Yeah, why do I not know?
That yeah, it's so funny. So the other thing too is every
detail is feeling important at the beginning.
And you. Well, I replayed, I don't know
what guys do. I replayed things.
So things like our first kiss for the first couple years, I

(08:53):
could have told that story off like at at any point if someone
had asked me. Now if someone asked me, I have
to be like, Oh yes, still that story.
I'm pretty clear on things like the first time you told me you
loved me like I have to like Hope.
I remember that. I remember our first hug.
I remember when I first said I Iloved you.
We were driving to Ringwood or something.

(09:15):
I was. From kangaroo ground to.
Ringwood or something. I remember I said it there.
Yeah, you'd been away on a camp,was I?
Yeah. And you had been thinking it was
the 6th grade transition camp. Yeah, transition from primary
school to high school for youth group.
That's right. I remember that.
I don't remember our first kiss.How funny we were watching some
stupid movie. I think it was the What's that

(09:35):
stupid army? Major pain.
Yeah, I think it was set the mood.
I think it was set the mood. We watched a lot of movies in
the early days. Good excuses to hold hands.
Yeah. And.
Snuggle, snuggle. And I remember because I'd put
my arm, oh, we were sitting there and your arm was around me
and you leant forward to get a, a drink of water.

(09:55):
And so I put my hand on your back just to be like, I don't
know, because that's what we didback then.
And then you turn around and youjust kiss me.
You know, this does it. Major pain.
Pain on the back. Done.
Sets the mood. Yeah.
Done and done. So things like that, you replay
and they and they anchor into your brain and anchors are a
really important part of helpingyou process things.
That's something we use in coaching a lot.

(10:16):
Anchors are things that elicit really intense emotional
connections so you can think like you might be walking around
and you get a whiff of somethingin the air and it just takes you
right back to a memory of your grandparents house or something
like that. I regularly get little glimpses
of songs that remind me of my dad like because he music was
big for him and I it's not just that I'm like, oh, he liked that

(10:38):
song. It's like I can hear his voice
singing that part of the song. And so when they come on movies
or whatever, then it just like straight away takes me to that
place. And there's like, you could
probably think of a million things like whiteboard and not
whiteboard, chalkboard dust. That smell would probably take a
lot of us millennials right backto I don't even know if they use
chalkboards back to school times.

(11:00):
Sunscreen is a good example. Like a really specific smell
would take you to outdoor times.Beach for me would be the only
time because I don't spend much time outdoors.
But whatever you've, you know, whatever you've connected to one
of these senses, there's an anchor is something that just
like takes you right back there.And so they're, they're really

(11:21):
important parts to tie you into positive.
They unfortunately, they can also be triggers like for not so
positive experiences, but they can be useful for tying you into
a positive memory or state of mind or bringing you back into
like refocusing you on the direction you're wanting to go.
So when you're coaching, you canuse anchors really strategically
to help people hone in on this picture of where they're wanting

(11:44):
to get to or their their goal that they've got the future that
they're seeing for themselves. And they can create an anchor
there that helps them when they're needing to come back to
that really quickly get back into that.
It's also something that we can use because those early days are
full of anchors. So there's all these moments,
the the first perfumes that we smelt on each other or the first

(12:05):
like foods that we ate or the first songs that were important
to us, those first memories we just talked about, those kinds
of things. These can be used really
strategically to help refocus you.
And because early love is full of all these anchors, there's
all these moments that became anchors for you, whatever they
might be, whatever it's usually connected to a sense.
So like tight, tight, tight, touch, man, sight, touch, smell,

(12:28):
noise, certain music, all of those sorts of things.
What is the other one? Sight, touch, smell, noise,
taste, all of those are usually connected to a simple memory and
we can use that to kind of bringus back into that.
And so it's not, we will probably not find anchors to be
quite as regular as you're goinginto relationships because not

(12:50):
everything can main, You can't maintain the same level of
everything is novel and excitingforever.
It's just not sustainable as we have at the beginning of a
relationship. So you'll find not every moment
or every smell or every touch is.
And I have that same like, whoa,that connects me right into
this, this feeling. But what you can do is use those
anchors to re trigger those states of being or those

(13:12):
feelings and those emotions and,and use them as a moment of kind
of resetting where your relationship is AT and be like,
oh, that's right. I find perfume really good for
this. Like your Cologne is a really
good anchor. Shocks me out of the everyday.
If you're walking around and you've got your Cologne on, then
it it's it's maybe because you don't wear all day.
All day. Yeah, you wear deodorant now all

(13:33):
day, just to be really clear, but your Cologne is not an
everyday thing. So when I smell it, it's like
that. It just kind of takes me out of
the cloud of the here and now and brings me back into like I'm
focusing back on you. So here are some anchor memory
prompts that you can reflect on right now and see if there's any
that would be helpful for you totry and keep a little fresh or

(13:55):
helpful for you to to tap into on a regular basis to keep a
little bit of this spark alive. So your first kiss, like we just
talked about, think about that. Try and remember what was your
first kiss, where was it, who initiated it, what happened,
when was it, what was going on around you, that sort of thing.
Take a moment to reflect on that.
Maybe it's something that you know straight away.
Maybe it's something that's a little rusty.

(14:16):
Do you even remember when I explained that?
Do you remember it? No, I don't remember, not even
how. Crazy.
And so not all of these will be applicable to everyone but.
No, but it's fun to have that conversation though, to try and
remember it. Like like I said, I remember our
first hug. So we just played volleyball for
the young adults ministry at church and then it was just you
and me left, I think. Yeah, we waited for everybody to

(14:37):
leave because no one knew we were getting to know each other.
There was someone coming to picksomeone coming to pick you up or
something. I can't remember why.
So I was driving. Maybe you just.
Maybe we just. Waited.
I was driving some friends home and they were in the car.
All right, anyway. And then almost like I just
asked for a hug and then I got it.
And you were wearing a white hoodie.
See, I could not. I would not have remembered what
I was wearing. Really.

(14:57):
I remember the moment, but not what I was wearing.
I remember the white hoodie. How funny.
There you go. So it's just fun to have the
conversations. I think what's important is, you
know, when someone doesn't remember something, it does not
mean they don't care. So just have fun with it.
Like, yeah, just try and tell those stories again.
Because, you know, going back tothat honeymoon phase of, you
know, your relationship in the early days and how, like,

(15:20):
excited you were, everything, it's not trying to chase that
back because, again, you shared about the chemicals going into
your brain. You're not trying to chase the
chemicals. You're really just trying to
highlight actually, this was special.
This was a special time actually, if you guys are
struggling to identify those things in each other at the
moment, if you're in a rough patch in your relationship,

(15:41):
going back to remember what it was like could help you for what
you have now, you know, and helpstart practising that of
gratitude and appreciation wherewhere appropriate.
Like we, we, we do constantly talk about how we understand
that not every relationship, youknow, some relationships have
some really terrible situations about.
So we're not trying to water that down, but just in those

(16:03):
difficult times, there's regulardifficult times.
Yeah. Coming back, this is special.
This is what I'm where where strength is of ours.
You know, this is, this is how we used to care for each other
and love each other and it's nice.
So the, you know, your first kiss, let's reflect on that
talk, talk about that if you want to, or just reflect on it.
Personally, the first time you held hands, I remember this

(16:26):
because I was cracking my knuckles and I thought Blair was
just wanting to hold my hand because he kept putting his hand
on. I think you were wanting to hold
my hand. Yeah, yeah.
But but it was a little bit of bite.
I may have cracked them more just to make sure you would hold
my hand the moment one of you said I love you.
That was in the car. We just reflected on that.
Blair said it first, a laugh until you cried moment.

(16:48):
I don't know if I I mean, there's lots of these, not maybe
not crying, lots of. Laughing.
So much fun. Yeah, I can't remember.
Any. Specific ones, but it does
happen. Humour was like an early thing
of our relationship, you know, It's just, it was just, yeah,
humour was a big part. Of that yeah, your first trip or
adventure together. Greece.
That wouldn't that would be a big like our big first trip.

(17:09):
I think we would have come to wecame to Wodonga.
That was one or I came up to Wodonga.
You came up because I was very up for my cousin's wedding and
you get crashed. It's actually after the wedding.
Not the wedding I didn't get. I arranged with your mum to come
and then your mum was like trying to get you out of your
bedroom. This is a 25 year old man, just
to be clear. I was having.
A staying at his mum's. I was having an up and she's

(17:31):
like, Blair, someone's here and you just came out with like
death on your face. Like you were like, I'm going to
kill whoever this is. And then you're just, I just
remember you standing at your door.
Like what? Yeah, what?
Yeah, he's very excited though. Yeah, I was once he woke up and
realised what was happening. The exact second you thought
this might be my person very early.

(17:51):
Very early it was like for for us, you know, it's funny because
we, we share this with people and you feel silly saying it,
but it was the genuine truth. Like I saw Amy and I knew she
was a significant person. Same.
Like it was just like. I turned around and caught eyes
with you across the church, and I was like, who's that?
Yeah, out of the whole church. Yeah, we just locked eyes and we

(18:13):
I was like, not close to you either it.
Was like across. The other side blocked eyes and
straight away I knew. Wow person.
Then you walked away. But this like, and we've said
this recently, I didn't believe in that.
Like, I do not tell people that that's what happens because I
don't, I genuinely don't think that that's what always happens.
It did happen for us. Yeah.

(18:34):
So if you haven't had that, please don't worry.
It was just bizarre that we did.And then how you used to talk on
the phone for hours. And this is actually, we used to
talk all the time, all the time.And even I remember when your
texts we got comfortable with each other and they changed to
thumbs up or OK. And I just remember being, oh,

(18:54):
OK, this is over. But it was because we spent
significant amount of time together.
We didn't need to have these bighuge like I have printed out our
first text messages tweet. Well, they weren't because it
was us literally getting to knoweach other on messenger.
That's the way the whole relationship started for the
first like 3 weeks or a month. And I printed them out because

(19:15):
they were big, long conversations.
And I remember when we started talking and my cousin already
knew you and you had just been asking me a lot of questions
after we met about my mission trip.
And then you were talking about your mission trip.
And I was like, there's talking to me a lot.
And she's like, oh, he does thatwith everyone.
And I was like, okay, maybe I was like, no man sits there and
has these conversations if he's not interested.

(19:36):
And then she's like, no, he's just a really friendly person.
And I was like, maybe he's not interested.
I think very quickly I was like,no, I don't.
Think. I think this is not normal
anyway, so think about these things and we can put these in a
document so you can download them.
You don't have to remember them all, but just take time to
reflect on these things. As you've just seen.
It's fun to reflect on these things and it's fun especially

(19:56):
when your parents and you're ingrained in your everyday life
and you just don't spend. This time reflecting on who you
are to each other, like you do very much have a very strong
understanding of who you are to each other in terms of the
stability and the role that it carries.
But who you are to each other and how it started is a really
important way of kind of remembering, oh, we're

(20:17):
significant to each other. We're not just two randoms that
ended up in a family and now we're both responsible for the
same things. So having reflected on those
anchors, when you look back to the early days, I want to ask
you what is something and you can answer and we can answer
what's something you crave or miss the most?
Something when I think back, so we're talking about the
honeymoon period of when we start dating, but something I

(20:38):
think about a lot is the day after the the first day of our
actual honeymoon. So waking up like, so those that
have been married that are listening in, you know, you're
so busy with the wedding, like all the planning, all the
logistics. And ours was chaos because we,
ours was an outdoor wedding and it changed because, well, the,
the ceremony was outdoors with the reception, we had to change

(21:00):
to indoors because we had severeweather warnings and it was just
so intense. And then you go through the
ceremony and then as soon as theceremony's finished, you are
meeting people, you're saying hello, thank you so much for
coming. And then photos and it's just so
busy, busy, busy, busy. And then you leave and then you
go to wherever you're going afterwards, the morning after,

(21:22):
and you have no plans. So we stayed in Saint Kilda for
a couple of of days before we took a flight to Hawaii as well.
Which I'm really glad we did. That we did.
So we didn't go straight from, you know, wedding to Hawaii
airport. We actually had a couple of days
where we had literally nothing to do.
That was my highlight of the honeymoon.
Honestly. It was the morning after.

(21:44):
There was nothing to do. We just hung out.
We just hung out. We went out like, what are you
gonna do right now? Let's go out for breakfast.
It was just so haughty. There was no interruption, there
was no rush. There's no time.
Time was not an issue at all because it did not matter.
We had no deadlines or places tobe.
And that was so special because I, I crave that, you know,

(22:04):
especially being parents now, everything is busy and I love
the busyness, I love the chaos. I love our family but I crave
that time of nothing needs to bedone.
Even when we do go, like we might go away for a weekend or
something, it's usually planned.We usually have stuff to do.
We don't have that wake up and nothing is planned.

(22:24):
I think, I think as well becauseback in those days, and I don't
know if it was like young naive,like I just was naive to
responsibilities you, you would have carried more of this
because you were the main workerand had been independent for
longer. But I just was not worried about
bills or even work. I just wasn't worried about it.
Like I would go to work and I would come home.

(22:45):
My work was like, it wasn't likea cafe at that stage.
I was working in a, in a business consultancy with like
responsibility. I just unless I'm forgetting, I
didn't carry that stuff home thesame way carried a lot of there
was a lot of family stuff going on at that stage.
So that was really weighing on us outside of these things.
So maybe maybe that's why I didn't have the brain space to

(23:06):
carry the things. But now I feel like even if even
if we arrange a time to just go to the city and we've got no
plans at all. One, I think there's this like
urgency because I'm like, Oh, we're wasting the day.
Like there's we're wasting the day and then we've got no plans
and we just sit there and scrollour phones or something, which
is probably another factor is. That we didn't have.
We didn't have. When we were in Hawaii, we
didn't have our. Phones and then even then, like

(23:29):
social media at that stage was not the same.
It wasn't like TikTok or Instagram or even YouTube where
you can just scroll and scroll and scroll.
You ran out. Like I literally say you've
gotten to the end of your feed and then like you're like, okay,
cool. It was not the same and I just
had no urgency. No urgency and no because there
was nothing to do, but also no urgency.
Like I'm wasting this time or we've only got one more day or

(23:51):
we've only got a few more hours or I wonder how the kids are
going and oh, one of them had a cough before we left and blah
blah blah. All of this stuff is good stuff,
but it is different. And I agree, I I miss similar.
Not that specific moment wasn't as impactful to me.
It was, but not you've mentionedthat many, many times in our
marriage and I don't think I hadthe same kind of overwhelm to

(24:12):
it. But I miss just this.
Just us and and not miss enough to not wish for the chaos that
we have every day like that. That's the biggest blessing
ever. But just having just us to
navigate. And I think sometimes I miss
having a sick day. Being an adult is hard.
Being an adult with no kids and having a day off for a cold,
like that's what I crave. But like we used to be because

(24:33):
we lived close to a shopping centre, we would just randomly
be like, do you want to go to the movies tonight?
Yeah, we would just go in our truckies, go out for breakfast.
Yeah, all that stuff. I miss those.
Guys, Michael McIntyre has this most amazing skit on Parenthood.
Like so couples with our kids and couples with kids go check
it out is. Leaving the house.
About leaving the house. Is so funny anyway, so it's good

(24:56):
to reflect on these things. So what is something that you
miss or crave? And we've spoken about
responsibilities more than our relationship dynamic.
But if you can think about something that you miss or crave
about your relationship dynamic back then, that was probably
that's probably even more helpful.
And then I want us to also reflect on now what is something
that we treasure so much about the depth of where we're at now

(25:19):
that we would never trade for those early days of excitement.
And for me, it was exciting to get to know you and exciting to
learn all those things and have those moments.
But I am so happy with the confidence and the stability
now, like the lack of, when I hear people that are dating,
kudos to you, but that like a roller coaster, yes.
And we didn't have much of A roller coaster, but it was still

(25:40):
like ups and downs and like, andthe lack of stability of the
lack of self confidence that I had for probably a number of
reasons back then. I wouldn't trade that now.
I would not trade that for anything.
No, so we were never getting through a lot.
You know, we were learning each other, we're working together.
We were in the same youth ministry and you know, we're
never going through so much of how opposite we were.

(26:01):
And then we worked out well, actually we're strong together.
But then it was like you work that out, but then you you need
to go on this huge journey on. But how is that strong together?
You know, because it can be a huge weakness or it can be a
huge strength, but for it to become that strength, you need
to put in the effort to make it that.
And so, yeah, I'm, I'm the same.So when you were said before
about looking back at, you know,something in your relationship

(26:22):
back then, there's very little even in our dynamics, like it's
very little I actually miss because I'm just so happy with
where we're at now. And where we're at now is just a
reflection of how much effort we've put into over those years
from the beginning. Yeah.
One thing I do miss from the dynamics is my my libido from

(26:45):
back then, like my drive for physical affection.
And I think having kids is just such a complicated dynamic with
that. But sometimes I'll be like, what
was it like to just crave being intimate or like even just like
affection being touched and stuff like that because I don't
have that crave anymore. And it makes me a bit sad.
Like I do wish that I could havethat Dr internally.

(27:06):
Like I didn't have to like dig down to where that part of me
was alive. It just was, it was just there
and it's not the same anymore. Not in a bad way.
I mean, it's not, I didn't thinkit's damaged or broken.
It's just a layered thing. Yeah.
And I think with that too, there's just this whole level of
exhaustion that goes on top of all of that too.

(27:27):
I think something that you've had to really work on.
And I know this is sort of goingto decide a little bit here of
what we're talking about, but I think these conversations are
extremely important is you've had to give yourself grace for
that. You know, like you had this
whole guilt around like, why aren't I doing this?
Why don't I feel that way? And we've had to journey on that
too, right? Like, so it was hard for a bit

(27:47):
there, like me feeling rejected,you feeling like you're not, you
know, performing or whatever youwant to do.
Like this expectation that you had on yourself and, and the
expectation that I had on our relationship too, for sure.
And we had to navigate through that.
And but it is normal as well. And I would love to actually do
an episode on that. Yeah, yeah.
With a professional coming in tospeak to that because I just see

(28:09):
it's such a big topic for women I see on socials and stuff like
other women talking about it, but kind of vague, you know?
And I would just love, I would love more discussion about it.
Yeah, I think it's probably comes down to the same thing of
everything's new and exciting back then, so it's easier.
It's not complicated and layeredand then years down the track,
there's so many things that playinto what causes.

(28:33):
It's not specifically this anything these layered,
complicated, context driven things.
And and so that's why I can lookback you can look back and be
like, oh, it's so easy then. And it it was easy, but it
wasn't easy because something's broken necessarily.
It wasn't easy because it was just automatically easy.
Yeah, because of your circumstances.
So, so that's some reflection things for you just to reflect

(28:54):
and get a sense of what is it? Because for some people, it
might be really on the top of their minds.
They might be like just, I feel like I just miss this, I miss
this, I miss this. And for other people, you might
not even have spent time reflecting on what it is that's
changed where you're at now, what was different back then.
And it's not an activity to try and make you feel depressed
about it or feel really negativeabout it.

(29:15):
It's just an opportunity to stretch your mind one way and
then stretch your mind the otherway to help us get on the same
page, how we work through this. And there's a reason why this
honeymoon period fades out as you develop into your
relationship. There's positives and negative
reasons, but there's a lot of reasons.
And here are some of the ones that are more raw, I guess.
So life layers on itself, routines, bills, kids, work,

(29:39):
deadlines, fatigue. I feel like the older you get,
the more aware you get of healthissues, family dynamics, you
know, the people around use relationships, the people around
use situations, all of these things as as you as you go into
life become heavier and more aware, you're more aware of
that. I think those things can be
happening for you at the beginning, but when these

(30:00):
dopamine like intense, you know,reward chemicals are going off,
probably they don't feel as important.
Probably this immediate excitement and new stuff kind of
trumps all of that. But then as those those
chemicals fade off, life probably comes a little bit more
into balance or even out of balance in the other way.
And things like this routine, everyday life responsibilities

(30:22):
can start to crowd out some of that freshness.
Familiarity creeps in. So you're no longer hanging on
every word or every action or every thought of your partner
because you already kind of knowwhat they're going to say.
And this is something I think that's beautiful and
challenging. So it's beautiful because you
want to get to that point in a relationship.
We don't want to avoid that. That's an important part of

(30:44):
relationship. The challenging part of it is to
not let that become complacency or not let that become a self,
you know, perpetuating internal story you have about your
partner and that kind of thing. Continuing that curiosity is
really important. In face of that, you can also
catch yourself living out patterns that reinforce the
negative stuff. So the things like the Gottman's
4 Horsemen, we've spoken about that on this podcast in multiple

(31:07):
episodes. So if you haven't heard those
ones, make sure you check them out.
They're really important. But they're the four horsemen of
relationships, which are the four damaging patterns that you
can see playing out in relationships that indicate the
health of the relationship, the future of the relationship in
many ways. So it's contempt, it's
defensiveness, it's stonewalling, and it's
criticism, I believe. And these are all patterns that

(31:30):
you can find yourself in, in terms of your communication in
your relationship that really are quite damaging when they're
not assessed and addressed. Contempt is a really good
example of this. If you're, if you've allowed
contempt to grow, it's kind of like a little seed that you've
allowed to take root into your brain and then it just grows and
grows. If it's not addressed, it can be

(31:50):
really, really hard to see your relationship for anything
positive at all. So these patterns, and that's
not the only patterns, like all the patterns we talk about on
here all the time, these things,if they're left unchecked and if
they're left UN assess like you're unaware of them, they can
make it very easy for you to believe that things are

(32:11):
negative. Your brain also shifts away from
the novelty mode to efficiency mode.
So instead of everything is new and exciting, we've got that
dopamine going off, we've got those exciting chemicals
happening because everything is new.
We move into efficiency mode, stability mode.
Instead of looking at how they're acting or they're laugh
or how they touch you or any of those things, your focused on

(32:33):
problem solving, on survival. You're focusing on getting
through your responsibilities. These kinds of things.
It shifts over to maintenance rather than the exciting
beginning part. So these things become familiar
and you're not. You're no longer noticing those
little moments that give you those butterflies as regularly
as you were at the beginning. And that's not bad.
It's just life. But there's positives as well.

(32:56):
There's positive spins on why this happens in relationships.
The real beauty of relationshipscomes alive when you're in this
stable, committed time. So it feels like we've lost
something. But really that early time of
relationships is to get into thestable long term.
That's what that's what the process is.

(33:17):
We want to get to this stable long term.
In the early days, we've got dopamine that's like little
fireworks going off in our head.They're fast, exciting, they're
new, but dopamine spikes fade and it moves to oxytocin.
So oxytocin on the other hand, is released through constant
closeness. So that's like the hugs,
cuddling, sex, holding hands, even eye contact, that long term

(33:38):
intimacy that's built. That's the kind of trigger for
this chemical. So dopamine is quick hits of
excitement and oxytocin is long term bonding.
It lowers stress, it increased trust, it creates a baseline of
calm and connection. And over time, it helps wire
your brain to feel safe and steady with each other, not just
excited. And so it's a really important

(33:59):
and beautiful part of the process.
Oxytocin doesn't just doesn't give you butterflies the same
way you might get with dopamine,but it does build this sense of
of harm or this sense of belonging and connection.
With the bonding, long term bonding is what it creates.
And so it's the depth then is taking place of the newness.

(34:19):
And I was saying to you just a few weeks ago or last week or
something that it was funny because at the beginning of our
relationship, if I was to think about you, so if if someone was
if I was talking to someone about you, I would picture you
like picture Blair. And then now if I think about
you, I don't, I almost don't picture you anymore.
Like I don't have a physical picture.
I do. I could like call a physical
picture. To my mind, it's usually just

(34:41):
beard and hat. But like I, I don't you are not
your physical being. You're like, it's almost like
this glowy, ghosty vibe. I'm trying to think what it
looks like in my head. Almost like the beings from
What's That Show That movie. Ghostbusters.
What about the the souls? Is it soul?

(35:04):
The Jazz. Player the soul, those little
like blue being things that kindof glow.
It's and it's you're more of a collection of everything that
makes you, you. So it's your responses, your
humour, your voice, your reactions to things.
It's like, I know I've got this Blair Philtre and I know what
your response for the most part would be to these things.

(35:25):
And that's who you become in my mind.
You're not just the physical surface level.
And so I often, you know, every now and then I have to train my
brain to see you again. It's like I have to be like,
look at him and I and it's like I can finally focus in on your
physical, which is a part of whoyou are to me now.
But it's just one element. And so things like when you've

(35:46):
when we wake up in the morning and my hair is insane, I'm just
projecting this on you. So I'm going to assume that you
feel the same way about me. Do not correct me if you don't.
When my hair is like insane bed head or something like that.
I'm assuming you don't look at me and think who is that?
No, no, I was wondering. I thought you were going through
the opposite. I'm like I don't even notice
your bed hair. That's what I was going to say,
like I don't that sort of thing.I don't think we see like same

(36:08):
with you. Not that you have your bed hair
is so bed beer, minimal bed beer.
It doesn't change. It doesn't every now and then
it'll stick up or something likemum was here on the weekend and
she was at mum that was commenting on 2 pieces of your
hair that would stick up the twopieces.
I don't even see it. Like, I don't even notice it.
And it's I would, if I was like,we're leaving the house, we got
to go to this thing. I would be like, oh, your hair

(36:29):
is sticking up. But until that happens, it's
like it's just not on my radar. And so things like us, you know,
our mess in the house or our ourdishevelled selves or when I was
having babies and it was just so, so from the outside,
undignified, like that sort of stuff is not the it's not the
image that sticks with us. Yeah.

(36:50):
And I think that's really beautiful.
But I also really, I'm trying, I'm genuinely trying to also
hone in on you because that's, Ithink what I said earlier,
that's what I kind of mean when it's like, oh, you're here.
Like we are significant to each other instead of just existing
in this kind of vague spirit solely kind of realm all the
time without that kind of depth.So the, the depth has replaced

(37:13):
that newness, The depth has replaced the surface level
security. I don't wonder anymore if you're
going to call or if you're goingto show up or if you're going to
tell me what's going on or if you're still interested in me.
I mean, every now and then and there's moments of insecurity in
a relationship where you do havethose things.
But for the most part, relationship is, it's now like,
I just know you're here. That's who we are.
We're committed to each other. I know you're going to

(37:33):
communicate with me. I know it's a given that you're
going to tell me when you're coming home and what you're
doing in the day. And it helps that we work from
home and we see each other all the time anyway.
But that's the sort of stabilitythat we're now in the
safetiness, this grown comfort as well.
We can be raw and filtered without fear.
Like brushing teeth. Like all the things that you
just like, kind of hide at the beginning.

(37:54):
You don't really show those parts.
I remember I didn't even like eating in front of you.
Really. Yeah.
For a long time. Not just you, just people in
general. I hated eating in front of
people. Who has the time to think about
that? I no longer do.
I care. My snoring.
I snore quite a bit. I snore in front of you first.
When I found out I did that on our honeymoon, I was mortified.
And now I don't love it, but I don't.

(38:14):
It is what it is. It is what it is.
It's just a part of life. So instead of those fireworks,
as you move on, you get this steady warmth and the steady
kind of belonging feeling. And that's important to value.
So to reflect on this a little bit, I want us to ask these
questions. What is something that we take
for granted now but would have blown our minds earlier on?
Like to think about this when wewere first dating would have

(38:37):
just been like, Oh my gosh, we're going to get to that
stage. If I think of that, I'm like,
oh, how well we work together, like how much of A team we are,
like the fact that we're going to get to that point is, is
something that stands out to me the most.
That would be so exciting to be like, yeah, we, we've worked
together ever since we've been, we've worked together like it
hasn't been a job that I've beena part of that you haven't, you

(39:00):
know? Yeah, I think for me it's
similar, except it's just generalised, like the way that
we tackle the challenges we've got.
Yeah, the kind of good rhythm we've got in terms of problem
solving and working through things and understanding our
responses to stuff, that's wouldn't have had that stability
early on, knowing that that's how we would tackle it.
And also we wouldn't have tackled it the same way either.

(39:20):
No, a lot of it's been learnt. Yeah, absolutely.
So yeah, things, things through like how, you know, when we
identify something that we want to work on in the way that we
approach our kids or parenting, whatever, it's not this like,
yeah, do better. It's like, cool, how can we do
better? Like how can we work on that?
It's a very team oriented ratherthan that's your thing.
This is my thing. Yeah, it's all our thing.

(39:43):
And what's a dynamic about your relationship now that younger
you only dreamt about? Sort of similar question but for
me. You talking to our kids and
saying something about mummy, like that kind of picture in my
head as a as a young dating person, I would have just been
like, one day I'm gonna be the mummy that he's talking to the
kids about. And that's so specific.

(40:03):
But I just, I dreamt about that.I always wanted to be a mom and
I always wanted to hear that kind of a dynamic playing out.
So this is all the reasons why. This happens in the dynamics
we've explored. Why is it that early
relationship feels so different to longer term relationship?
What are the positives and negatives of that?
What are things that we can reflect on to help us be more

(40:24):
aware of what's playing out? And This is why it's important.
It's important to be appreciative of what we develop
and what we move into. And I think that's kind of where
my main focus is, is I want us to value what relationship
becomes because it's easy to value what's exciting and, and
you know, hypey and stuff at thebeginning.
It's harder to value the longer term, more serious, but like

(40:46):
solid parts of relationship. But it's also important and we
want to explore this now to revisit that spark.
And we, we talked about that last week on our episode.
We're in one of the Reddit stories we were talking about.
He says he doesn't, his girlfriend doesn't putting
effort, putting effort with the sparks, the put sparks into
their relationship or however heworded that and we were talking
about the importance of that. So it is important to maintain

(41:08):
this, to reflect on it and to have it as an awareness in the
everyday, normal, stable, longerterm relationship that you have.
So when the spark fades, it's not just about life's layers,
but it can sometimes also be about where your focus has
shifted. And, but with a lot of these
relationship things, it'd be easy to be like, oh, it's
because my partner doesn't do this.
It's because my partner doesn't do this.

(41:30):
We're not going to talk about that right now.
That's not how we approach relationships on this podcast
because you can only control yourself and it takes 2 to
tango. And so I, I want us to reflect
on these things personally abouthow our focus may have shifted
to assess, to adjust, sorry, andchange the view we have of this
Spock element of our relationship.
So what is something that you'remore focused on about what's

(41:53):
missing thing than what's present?
Is there something that you're focused on what's missing in
your relationship now more than focusing on what is present and
positive about your relationshipnow?
Have I started assuming I know everything about my partner
instead of staying curious? And this is a really big one and
an easy one to fall into. We have people be like, I don't
know what to talk to my partner about, but there are so many

(42:14):
things that you can still talk about and we still have
conversations every time we get a date night or we get to go out
or whatever, or we're driving less really good.
We have huge conversations and Ilove them because even though a
lot of it's probably not new information, it's a new
conversation and it's a new likeawareness of what's going on for
each other. So have you started assuming you
already know your partner instead of saying curious, when

(42:36):
was the last time you genuinely celebrated them instead of
correcting them or instead of criticising them?
This is a big one too. When you're in the everyday, it
can be really hard to identify the things that you love about
them, especially when there's patterns that aren't feeling
constructive. And that's not to downplay that
there are some not helpful patterns that play out in

(42:57):
relationships or some people's partners really do have
approaches to the relationships that are unhelpful and hurtful.
That's not to downplay that experience, but if you have
found yourself unable to celebrate them in some way, then
you've got something going on inside you as well that can be
assessed. So have you stopped to celebrate
something about them or are you so tucked away in correcting

(43:20):
them, criticising them? What's missing in them that you
can't even see that? And do I philtre for flaws more
than I philtre for spark even physically?
Like, like what I said, I have to train my brain to see you
sometimes. And that is, I think it's an
important thing to continue to be like, oh, this is the person
that I love and that I'm attracted to and, and physically
like recognising that. Are you filtering for flaws more

(43:42):
than you're filtering for the spark?
So a lot of this stuff for me, the stuff that that I find plays
into how the spark is gone. The traps that I find myself in
is me assuming what you're thinking about me.
It's this like stupid story spiral that I get into where I
will assume I know what you're thinking about me, and then I'll
build a story around what I think that you're thinking about

(44:04):
me. It just is. 90% of the time
we've got it wrong, yeah. Yeah, there are patterns that
you can pick up on sometimes, but when that becomes your
philtre, or when that becomes what you base your actions off
rather than you basing communication off, and then you
clear it up and you work on it, then that's what it becomes.
You. You almost can't see anything
other than that. When I've picked up on something

(44:26):
from you, most of the time it's when you're tired.
Yeah. You're like, I'm just tired.
So then I've picked up that you're tired.
And when we can communicate about that and we're clear about
it, awesome. When we haven't communicated
about it, then it becomes a story in my head.
Yeah. It grows in a.
Fest and it's it's a really tough one.
And I have somebody that if you talk to them, there's all these
stories about what their partnerthought about them, what their

(44:49):
partner thought about their body, about who they were, about
how they acted. And when you're when you press
into those things like have you do they actually say that?
A lot of the time there's no actual moment of them saying
they're like, no, but I just knew that that's what they
thought. And I'm not trying to downplay
that. That was the tone or the
attitude that might have come. But what was interesting was
seeing how that story has built this story in their brain that

(45:11):
comes clearer and clearer about what their partner thought about
them or said about them that nowthey don't even remember if it
happened or when it happened or how it happened.
And it's sad that that that can build for people.
It's sad that you can get into aplace where you feel criticised
by your partner or you feel likethere's something going on.
But it's a good example of the philtre that can happen.
That can change the way you're viewing your relationship now.

(45:33):
And if you do not communicate about it, it can build a whole
story about where you're at. And I think this is important
too. You might be like, well, I
haven't spoken to him about it because I can't talk about it.
This is the purpose of our podcast is to start these
conversations. You might not be able to be in
the point where you go straight there, but what if you can strip
back and just start somewhere and it's just these micro steps

(45:55):
towards that sort of a relationship.
That's what we're encouraging here, to take those micro steps
when needed. And to do that, work on yourself
first. So assess, be like, is there a
chance that there's a story playing out for me that I don't
have all the information on? What else could be true and help
to stretch your mind in that to help your attitude because when
you're you're able to assess your attitude and work on your

(46:16):
attitude and approach, it can help the overall approach to the
things you're trying to tackle together.
But just in summary, honeymoon dopamine excitement, everything
is new, everything is good. Then you move into this longer
term relationship that moves to oxytocin.
Oxytocin. I can never say that word and
stability. And so it's more like safety,
trust, calm. Both of them are important.

(46:36):
Too much dopamine chasing and you burnout or you search for
the next new thing. Only oxidation without the spark
is the relationship can start tofeel flat or stale.
And so that's why sprinkling novelty and newness into your
relationship now, those little dopamine moments actually is
really important. Revisiting that can help you
boost attraction. It helps create fresh joy in

(46:57):
your relationship, helps you shift out of that roommate vibe
that we've spoken about before on here, and it helps the
relationship keep from sliding into autopilot.
It's also a sign of a well adjusted relationship.
So if you're able to have this tension going on where you've
got this, the stability and thisdepth, but you're also bringing
in these new exciting things andexploring each other, that's a

(47:18):
sign of a good, well adjusted relationship that's balancing
things. So we're going to move into a
really practical way to reignitethis.
We spoke about this at the beginning.
What if this week could be your fresh honeymoon period?
What if this week could be an intentional time to have a fresh
approach to your relationship? There's two practical things
that we're going to suggest today.
One is to do as a couple. One is to do as an individual.

(47:40):
If you're not ready to do that with your partner.
So the first challenge is 1 evening mini date night slash
honeymoon. Now, this doesn't matter if
you're out of the home. If you can go out of the home
and you've got the resources forthat, that's great.
If you can't, it's still 100% doable.
And we talk about this on the podcast a lot.
You can have at home date nightsand shift up your everyday
routine to still have special time together.

(48:01):
Doesn't have to be super long, doesn't have to be super fancy,
but setting aside time that is different is really important.
So there's a few things that will set this time apart.
One is wear something that feelsgood.
So both of you take time to get changed into something that
feels different. Change into something that's
that's out of the ordinary, not your trackies and your pyjamas
or your honey. We need a chat T shirt.

(48:23):
This is important because it tells your brain that this is
something special, it sets it apart from the everyday and it
also helps to do what we were just saying.
Reminds you to see your partner as a physical person, not just
your roommate. Spray perfume or Cologne, both
of you find a special nice smellthat you know you like or your
partner likes and use that. Like I said, it's a really
powerful memory anchor for me. It's really, it sets the time

(48:46):
apart when I can smell your perfume, your Cologne, and it
can take you back. Especially if it's an old one,
like one you've had for ages. It can take you right back to
those early days as well. Share a favourite meal, snack or
drink. This is another thing we hear
people say is that it's not sustainable for them.
The kids aren't in bed early enough so they can't have dinner
together or something. So just adjust to whatever suits
you, whether that's a drink, dessert, just a snack or a full

(49:09):
meal. If you've got that available to
you, find something you both enjoy eating slash drinking and
set that time apart. And this is helpful for a couple
of things. One, eating something that you
love creates positive associations to that moment.
It releases feel good hormones and it sets it apart from
everyday life, especially when you're not normal family dinner
time, it's you and your partner.Dinner time after the kids are

(49:30):
in bed. Really important.
One, put phones and devices away.
This is probably pretty straightforward, but our life
are so full with the noise from our devices and even what we
were reflecting on earlier, the difference in the last 13 years
is crazy in terms of the impact of phones and stuff like that.
And you might not be using them and you might just be like, oh,

(49:51):
we want to watch a movie together or something like that.
And that's great that you do those things together.
But the noise that comes from external interactions,
entertainment devices, it really, I find is really
distracting to interacting and seeing Blair when we're having
those moments together. So just set them aside for this
time. If we're watching a movie and on
our phones, yeah, it's way less even quality time.

(50:13):
Yeah, I don't see movies as quality time.
When we do that, if we're on ourphones and watching, it's just
like, it's like you're not even there.
Yeah, and then have some chats. Here are some prompts for things
you can talk about. Here's one thing I noticed about
you today. Or this is 1 memory that still
makes me smile. We talked about a bunch of those
earlier in the episode. What is the first moment I
remember being aware of you? That's a for us.

(50:34):
We again spoke about this. It was at church.
What's that moment of really being aware of you?
Sometimes these things you haven't even reflected on
together and definitely haven't probably reflected on recently.
So it's really nice to hear those things, or what stood out
to me the most about you in early days.
So it was Blair's beanie? No, it's just your.
I can see your face with your beanie.
Actually, it's your forearms. Oh.

(50:56):
There you go. So stuff like that, the things
that stood out in the early days, but if those conversations
are too awkward for where you'reat, you don't need to dive into
these deep reflective things. You can still manage a special
time by making it light. And we talk about this, the
would you rather's. These are really good Ice
Breakers and seem silly, but they actually have like helped

(51:19):
us interact with each other, help us be curious because a lot
of them are questions you have never asked, so you won't
necessarily know the answer to. And sometimes they build into
bigger conversations and they tell us something about each
other. So I've got a few here, but you
can Google like there's so many.This is, would you rather give
up your favourite food or your favourite TV show?
Would you rather have the hiccups for the rest of your
life or always feel as if you were about to sneeze?

(51:41):
Would you rather have a personaltheme song that plays whenever
you walk into a room or your ownlaugh track following your
jokes? You want your laugh track.
I knew that. Would you rather be the big
spoon or the little spoon? Always going to be little.
You love that little spoon, don't you?
Would you rather have a one minute conversation with your
past self or your future self? Future.

(52:02):
Yeah, same. Yeah.
Well, I don't know. Well it depends on the purpose.
If I if it's past self it's likeI want to give wisdom.
If it's the future self I want to receive.
If I could have a one minute conversation with young Amy to
help her but she wouldn't acceptit so probably the future self.
Yeah, exactly. And then after these things,
whatever you set this side and apart, set this night apart with

(52:24):
after all of this, end the nightwith a marker like mark the end
of the time together. So a long hug, a kiss, a dance
in the kitchen, something that feels fine for you, like doable
for you, but is different to normal.
It's not just, OK, let's roll over onto our phones now.
So that's something that you cando right this week, like just
pick a night. It doesn't even have to have

(52:44):
tonnes of preparation. You don't have to spend a bunch
of money. Make it work for you that you
can set this time apart. And I would challenge that most
couples are able to implement this this week if it's something
that they're willing to try. If you're hearing this and
you're like, my partner would never agree to do this, we're
just not in the place where thatcould work or I don't feel
comfortable asking them to do this.
Then there's still stuff you cando on your own in this week to

(53:07):
implement this new spark, this new refreshment.
And these are some reflections that you can do on your own to
start getting yourself in a goodheadspace with this to hopefully
help the culture of your relationship.
So every day, just set a timer to take 60 seconds to reflect on
these things. What's 1 little thing I noticed
about my partner today? What is something physical about
them that I really love? What do they look like when

(53:28):
they're really laughing? That's a really interesting one.
What's one thing I'm grateful for about them right now?
What's 1 quality I admired when we first met that I can still
see now? And some of these might take
some mental gymnastics, but you should be able to figure
something out to answer these questions.
All of these questions can be weaponized.
Weaponized, I want to say that too.
So you could look at all of these different things.

(53:49):
So for example, what they look like when they're laughing.
You could be like, oh, I hate when they laugh.
I hate their look when they laugh.
Find the good. And that's everything that we're
talking about here is you're finding the goods.
That might be effort for you, but that is the objective.
If you keep getting stuck in thenegatives of everything, it's
like, oh, there's nothing physically alike about them or
whatever else it is. It's not true.

(54:10):
You can find something, so just put that challenge on yourself.
This isn't to give you more ammo.
This is to really to give you the tools for you to work on
what you're bringing to the relationship.
Yeah, the expectation is not on your partner with these
questions, the expectations on you.
Yeah, yeah, that's really good. Yeah.
And if you're finding that pattern, recognise that.

(54:32):
Notice that because that's a, that's a pattern indicating
something else might be going onfor you.
And if you really can't answer one of them positively, don't
answer that one. Move on to another one and find
one that you can because there'ssomething there that you can
explore. So write it down or speak it out
in your head or just reflect on yourself.
Those kinds of things can help you bring back some of that
spark from the early days. So we don't need to be living

(54:54):
like we've just met each other. That's not sustainable.
We don't need to be trying to chase that high that we had at
the beginning. It's also not sustainable.
We don't want that. It might feel like we do because
it sounds flashy, nice, easy, but the reality is that's not
sustainable and that's not depthof relationship.
So it's a it's an important tension to keep in place, but we

(55:15):
also don't want to be so ingrained in the routine that we
can't even see our partner anymore and we can't even
appreciate them. So this is a challenge for us to
try and refresh that and get ourbrains back into a space where
we can appreciate each other again.
And we're really keen to hear how this plays out for you.
If you try it, please let us know.
We would love to see your reflections on it.
And let's all try to just reignite some of this Sparky.

(55:38):
Sparky Spark Spark. Cool.
Thank you so much guys for beinghere.
We'll chat to you soon. Good chat.