September 28, 2025 • 39 mins
The #1 Predictor of Health: Tiny Repairs That Make Relationships Last (Harvard Happiness Study)
We’re calling out the “funny” partner-bashing that social media rewards and replacing it with real repair. Backed by the Harvard Happiness Study and other research on wellbeing, we show why relationships are the #1 predictor of health and longevity, more powerful than diet, money, or exercise.In this episode, you’ll learn:• Why contempt in relationships is quietly toxic• How to replace complaints with micro-conversations that rebuild trust• Why weekly relationship check-ins prevent resentment and keep love alive• How to strengthen external friendships to combat loneliness and improve health• Practical couples communication tools you can use today to stop fighting and grow closerIf you want to move from “meh” to meaningful connection, this episode will give you clear next steps.
Predictor of health, marriage podcast, marriage podcast Australia, relationship podcast, Honey We Need to Chat podcast, relationship advice, marriage tips, communication in marriage, couples communication tools, stop fighting with your partner, repair after conflict, how to keep love alive, healthy relationship habits, contempt in relationships, Harvard happiness study, number one predictor of health, loneliness and health, blue zones connection, weekly relationship check in, micro conversations, rebuild trust
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:05):
Honey, we need to chat. We all know that classic
reaction in relationships, the little vent to a friend or the
joke that husbands are hopeless in the kitchen or wives are
always nagging. It presents as harmless, almost
like a cultural inside joke, just letting off some steam.
(00:26):
But what if those throwaway jokes aren't actually that
harmless? What if saying it is what it is,
just shrugging off frustration is quietly Ruding the very thing
that actually keeps us alive andhappy?
The truth is, we live in a culture where whinging and
complaints feel normal and healthy, but really they just
feel easier than repair. Where funny bitterness gets a
(00:48):
laugh and all you have to do is scroll for a few minutes before
you come across some kind of content that feels relatable in
this space, that fits this culture.
But what happens when you're consuming too much of this
content, or when this becomes too much of the norm?
When we build this idea that this is normal and acceptable in
relationships, we might lean into gender norm jokes because
(01:08):
they're relatable. Husbands are lazy, wives are
naggy. It feels safe, but it also
quietly reinforces distance. But once you remove the laughs
and the joking, it leaves a lot of couples in this attitude
towards a relationship of meh. We start to tolerate these low
grade frustrations within each other because that seems easier
(01:30):
than rocking the boat. Rocking the boat can feel scary
because we have to bring something up that's honest now.
And these jokes, these low gradecomplaints, they just become
contempt towards each other and we all know how that goes.
So when you look online, it becomes quite an echo Chamber of
this culture. These jokes, these like
relatable videos you see of people sharing how frustrated
(01:52):
they are, their partner for something.
And everybody laughs and they send it to their friends.
And they're like, oh, yeah, that's so true.
But it actually becomes an echo Chamber of this culture.
And this culture starts to set in.
And as we've seen these echo chambers, especially on social
media, they build into somethingthat subtly is really damaging.
And if that's what we start to accept is normal and not looking
(02:16):
into how to repair those things,it actually is going to cause a
really damaging idea towards relationships.
So these videos or these this content that we see these
relatable things, they're funny,they're liked.
I understand how they get passedaround.
And every now and then I'll see something scroll up on on our
socials that I'm like, oh, maybeI should share that on the
podcast. And I'm like, it's not super
(02:37):
constructive. And that's the trick is we don't
see the reality of that dynamic at play in the broader
relationship. We don't see this couple
navigating how to repair it. And I understand the light
humour side of it, but I, I get nervous with not just this
topic, but all of these kinds ofthings on socials where we're
only seeing one layer of it and we're seeing it over and over
(02:57):
and over in a way that's making it feel OK, yeah.
And in a way, that's not helpingus learn how to fix it.
Yeah, absolutely in, in social media space, like it's such a
tricky thing. It's like kind of like they're
behind the closed doors sort of stuff, right.
So you're not even really rocking the boat.
You're just not a lot of the times you're not even really
thinking through what actually happens.
So for me, I don't share anything to my friends about you
(03:20):
at all. Like in a jokey way, I might
send them to you because it might be something that we've
talked about or whatever else. And it's just a joke.
It is a between us, but if ever came anything more serious and
we'll discuss that. But yeah, social media is just
one of those things. It's easy to see something and
pass on, and we might not think anything of it, but it's when we
feed these thoughts, when we feed that and then we get
(03:40):
validation from our friends fromthose thoughts, it can really
bring down and grow and fester into something gross.
Yeah, and I it's tricky because there is a beauty in feeling
understood and heard. And I think that's the challenge
with this is a lot of this stuffmakes people feel seen and
they're like, oh, I'm not alone in this.
And there's there is a beauty inthat.
So I think it's not to throw thebaby out with the bathwater
(04:03):
here, but the problem is it is this echo chamber.
It's just the same idea over andover without the full picture.
And that's where it becomes out of balance and challenging.
And if you keep seeing this, these like low light, frustrated
relationships as the norm and you just see that over and over
without repair, then that's whatwe're going to build in our
(04:24):
heads of what is acceptable within our own relationship.
So with all of that said, welcome to Honey We need to Chat
podcast. The podcast all about
communication in relationship, and this episode specifically is
going to be really emphasising why is that actually important?
And it's so your relationship gets better and stronger and you
(04:45):
can grow together. But two, you're also gonna see
how this actually has impact on your physical health and the
longevity of your life. Yeah, which is crazy.
Yeah. It's not optional.
It's not a nice to have. It's actually it impacts your
well being. So we're gonna dive into that.
Welcome, welcome. Thank you for being here.
Thank you for tuning in. Also, don't forget if you are
not on our YouTube, go head overto YouTube, subscribe there
(05:06):
because we do have a lot of other content on that.
We have our vlogs and we're gonna be bringing out more
content on YouTube to make sure you check that out, to get a bit
more behind the scenes of our life, who we are, get to know us
and write in writing comments, write in emails, whatever you
like, because we want to get to know you as you get to know us.
You can also check out our website, Honey, we need to
chat.com. We've got a lot of free releases
(05:28):
on there, resources on there as well.
Reese's, we got free. Reese's Pieces.
No, we don't. We got resources over there
though that you can download forfree that you can actually do go
along with some of our episodes.So you you'll be able to hear
what we're saying. And then we've actually got
resources for you to be able to work through what we're talking
about as well. So check those out.
(05:48):
So check it, check it out. So why is all of this that we've
spoken about important to relationships?
What makes the difference? Why is it not just harmless
joking, Harvest? Did I say that right, Harvard?
Yeah, he said it like intense. Harvard has been running the
longest study on human happinessand health in history.
(06:08):
That's what triggered this episode when we were reading
about this study. It's so fascinating to see the
results of this, this research that they've done.
So it started in 1938 and they were tracking 724 people and
today it includes more than 1300of their children.
So it's tracked through from 1938.
Generationally. A lot of their kids as well,
(06:29):
yeah. So researchers measured
everything from income, education, diet, exercise,
smoking, drinking, medical records, interviews, the whole
picture. Yeah.
So it's about 80 years of data on that.
And So what they come up with this is pretty cool.
I'm going to read this though, because I'm not going to be able
to remember it off the top of myhead.
The number one predictor of how long you'll live like you live
(06:51):
your life, that sounds obvious. How happy you'll you'll be
wasn't money. It wasn't kale.
So it wasn't superfood because kale is an interesting thing.
It's actually not me. It wasn't even cholesterol
levels. It was relationships.
So This is why we're so important, guys, why we're so
(07:11):
important. Yeah, it's crazy.
So basically connection is more important than all of those
things. I just want to pull out.
They they looked at smoking and drinking, diet and exercise and
the most important thing for thelongevity and health of someones
life was their relationships. Wild.
That's not just marriage relationships, but they did look
(07:32):
at that as well, obviously, where a relate a romantic
relationship podcast and we're going to talk about why this is
so important, why this work thatwe talk about every week on the
podcast is so important. It's not optional for a healthy
happy life. It's not an optional extra.
It's a requirement for having a healthy life.
And the other interesting thing is I have seen the story play
(07:54):
out over and over of people thatjust push through in their
marriages. Their marriages are horrible,
but they're married and that's something I want to.
Show that the status. The literally the legal status,
like at least we didn't get divorced there.
They have. In this study, they found that
people in unhappy marriages wereworse off, even though they were
married than smokers, than people that weren't married at
(08:16):
all, that were not in any kind of than smokers, I thought.
I saw something but it. Might be that too, but that they
were worse off being in a relationship that was toxic and
unhealthy than they were withoutany kind of relationship.
And so that's why we talk about this stuff.
We talk about the important foundations to build health into
your relationship and that actually practically physically
(08:39):
builds health into you as well as you grow.
So marriage satisfaction mattersmore than just your marital
status. It's also not enough to be
relying on having a partner in your life either.
So your nuclear, nuclear family or your immediate family.
That's was found in this study too.
What also was incredibly important for longevity and
health was external relationships.
(09:00):
And this is something that we, we don't talk about much on the
podcast because we're so focusedon your partner and you, but
that's another really important part of health and well being as
you go into older age. Yeah.
And so it's why this is so important.
So we talk a lot about our romantic relationships, so our
partners, our spouses, and what we talk a lot about on these
(09:21):
podcasts, on this podcast is theimportance of yourself care
because we can't show up in our relationship.
We can't actually tackle or address these situations that
we're trying to do in a good wayif we're low, like if we're not
actually looking after ourselves.
So, So why this is important? Because as you get older,
research shows that people more tend to isolate as they get
older, especially men. And I've definitely found this
(09:44):
for myself and for the nonprofitorganisation that we work for.
We've shared a lot as well aboutdad's group.
This is a big thing that we findis when dads or men, mums go
through the same stuff too, but we focus on dads, is that
isolation for men as they get older and older and older
becomes just so realised so much.
It really impacts mental health.So research calls loneliness
(10:07):
toxic. Like it's actually toxic to you.
It's a dangerous. It's as dangerous as smoking or
alcoholism. That's what I saw before.
So it wasn't. Yeah, but that's wild, right?
So loneliness is just as bad as smoking or alcoholism.
Yeah. It's intense.
It is intense, and so it's important.
So you might be thinking Harvardfound this information.
(10:30):
But that's just one study. Yeah, but there's so many more
other studies out there. There's so many studies that
actually backed this. Up.
Yeah. So a massive meta analysis
looked at 148 students with morethan 300,000 participants and
found that people with strong social ties had a 50% higher
chance of survival. That's the same effect as
quitting smoking. The Blue Zones is another thing
(10:51):
that people have looked into a lot.
So the longest living communities in the world, they
call them the Blue Zones. I want to look into this more on
my own. They all share 1 trait and that
is deep social integration. All the longest living
communities in the world have deep social integration.
The Framingham Heart study showed that it's not just
marriage itself, but the qualityof marriage that predicts your
(11:12):
heart health. Crazy.
The UN's World Happiness Report has been saying for years that
social trust and support matter more for well being than income
does. Once your basic needs are met,
your social trust and support soyour community matter more than
the income you're having in as long as you're basic needs are
met. So it's not just one study that
says this. The evidence is overwhelming and
(11:32):
you've probably seen it play outin your life or the lives of
people around you. And that's been definitely me,
right? So we've spoken a lot.
You know, big part of my burnoutwas this was me.
Well, it was in COVID we didn't have.
Relationships, really. I would be fascinated to see the
studies. Yeah, that's actually now
thinking about that as we've been sharing about this, like
that was for me just just triggered so much stuff that I
(11:55):
was so isolated. But before that, I was already
becoming isolated. Someone's becoming a dad.
So I really struggled. I still became a dad.
And not that you didn't strugglewith this, but for me, I
struggled because I just had this guilt.
We call it dad guilt and the mums get the same thing.
But I'm a dad. So I had this dad guilt of like,
well, I can't leave the house. I can't go exercise, I can't go
(12:16):
socialise because I don't want to leave you stuck at home by
yourself without brand new baby.Like that's just not fair.
I don't want to be that guy because I was so convicted of
when I became a dad that I wouldn't prioritise out of the
house more than inside the house.
But what actually ended up happening, I only prioritised
inside the house and I didn't actually take care of myself and
(12:37):
address these things. I didn't hang out with people, I
didn't see people. I was literally just.
I. Didn't foster relationships, I
didn't call people. I was just like no, no, no, this
needs my complete attention and I was becoming more and more and
more isolated. Then when I was really
struggling, I really struggled. I didn't have that support
network around me. I didn't have anything, you
(12:57):
know, 1 was COVID, we couldn't, but I actually started cutting
tyres before then as well. And so, yeah, it's, it's I, I
see this from a, I've experienced this, I've seen the
damage of this and I was out, like I was down and out.
Yeah, Yeah. It's huge.
So what does that mean for us here on this podcast and in the
work that we're doing? So first of all, it's really
(13:18):
emphasising how much the foundational stuff in your
relationship matters. Don't tell yourself like, oh,
we've been married for too long.You know, we're, we're past that
time. It's too late for us.
This, this Harvard research actually found that satisfaction
at 50, predicted health at 80. All right, so you might have
been married for quite a while, but you still have time to flip
(13:39):
that script. You still have that time to
invest in your relationship. Start now.
Go on this journey with us now. Yeah, it also shows that
relationships start at home. So your marriage or partnership
is your inner circle. And if that's brittle and it's
not working well, that's going to affect your outer circles.
It's an important part for feeding into that and.
What's interesting too though, if your outer circles becomes
(14:01):
brittle, your inner circle is your safety.
You know what I mean? If that's strong, that the outer
circle won't impact you as much when that.
Becomes it's a safe, it's a safety mechanism.
So on that, the Third Point is that your nuclear family is not
enough. Nuclear means immediate, just.
Your kids or your? Nuclear sounds like toxic it's
(14:23):
not enough. You need to encourage each other
to be building friendships and fostering relationships outside
of your relationship. And I think this is a tricky one
like you've just described with the dad guilt interesting
politics that go into relationships sometimes where
it's like a comparison thing of you have all this stuff out of
the house and I've got nothing or like this balancing act.
(14:43):
It is important to be fostering healthy relationships for your
partner outside of the home as well as inside the home.
So encouraging your partners connections instead of seeing
them as competition is really important.
And fourthly, if you're already past 50 and you hear that and
you're like, oh, well, I'm doomed.
If you're listening to this in your past 50 and we know that
some of you are, and you're wondering if that window is
(15:05):
closed, the answer is no. This study also found that
people who rebuilt or reinvestedlater in life saw the benefits.
So it's not a doomed thing. It's not a.
It's not a. Past.
This line, past this line, yeah,expiry date kind of thing.
It's never too late to invest inthis connection.
It is never too late to invest in this connection.
So if you're finding yourself inthis echo chamber and this
(15:26):
culture of complaining or settling for meth in your
relationship, if you're pushing things away and you're thinking
it's not worth rocking the boat because I can just do it myself.
I don't want to bring up this difficult conversation or it is
what it is and I'm just seeing the same pattern play out in my
relationship that I saw in my parents relationship or my
grandparents relationship. If there are these things that
(15:48):
you're settling for, these patterns that you're settling
for that are not constructive and are not bringing you closer
to a happy, healthy relationship, then this is the
moment for you to start reinforcing your marriage.
If you're settling for these things that just feel normal and
they just feel OK because you'veseen them play out elsewhere.
If you've heard other people talk about them and you just
(16:09):
think that's what marriage lookslike, pause.
Because no, this is the moment to rein reinforce your
relationship and put these things in place to help for the
longevity of your well being. Healthy relationship is not a
nice to have for well being. It's a must have.
It's a must have. Yeah, just to clarify.
Yeah. And I'm going to keep saying
this probably through because I know how sometimes we can hear
(16:30):
these sorts of things and be like, well, you know, we're not
in a healthy marriage, so we better call it quits.
You know, that's not we are saying the opposite.
If you're not in a healthy marriage, start now to actually
make it healthy. There's things that you can do.
This isn't an excuse. You saw an opportunity now to
leave something that's not healthy and go find that healthy
thing because if you do that, that thing is going to become
(16:52):
the. Same problems follow you.
They unless you work on those patterns, they will follow you.
Yes, yeah. And that I think that's
important to remember because the grass always looks greener,
right? And we always talk about on this
podcast that we are not about highlighting what your partner
is or isn't doing because we cannot control other people, but
what we can control is ourselves.
So if you're not going to put the work into tackling difficult
(17:15):
dynamics, tackling challenging patterns and and repeating
things that you've seen play outin your relationship.
Now, if you're not going to put that work in, it's not just
going to magically get better onits own regardless, but it can
get better and it can help the longevity of your health and
your well being as you age as well.
One thing that I don't think I put in these notes that was
(17:35):
really interesting from the Harvard study was it found that
people that had healthy relationships around them as
they got older did not experience pain like physical
pain as much like the pain that they experienced with their
health issues was less. How crazy is that?
Oh. It's just, yeah, it's just wild.
And I wonder why. Did you look into that?
Because God created us in community.
(17:57):
Yeah, that's what I believe, yeah.
Yeah. We're created to be in community
and we're drawn to community andrelationship in order for
survival in every way. We're finding out today, so.
We're going to jump back into this conversation in a minute,
but I just wanted to take a bit of a pause here because you
might be listening to this episode and being like, man, I
just need, I need help. I need help to work through
this. I need help to process this.
(18:17):
I need help to unpack this. Amy does some coaching with some
people. So if you would like that
service, please reach out onto our website.
We need to chat.com for Amy's coaching services.
This is something that we're really passionate about.
This is the direction that we want to go in with our all of
our content is we we're bringingup the topics, we're bringing
(18:39):
the awareness, but then we we really want to be working with
you guys to support you guys personally, individually in
Group settings, whatever it is ends up.
So if you are interested in that, reach out on honey, we
need to chat.com. Hope to talk to you soon.
So that's what this podcast is all about.
All of these, all of these things we've talked about plays
(19:00):
out through all of our episodes.We have so many episodes you
could apply to tackling your marriage, your relationship
right now, even episodes you could apply to tackling your
external relationships. Some of these concepts would
translate, but here are just some practical ways for today as
we're talking about this that wecan start to change the script
that's going on for you right now.
(19:20):
So one big thing is you know what we talked earlier about
these, these joking about gender, these gender jokes in on
social media, right? Saying, you know, women are
whingy, men are lazy, whatever else.
Be brave enough to change that. You know, in your world, be
brave enough to change that culture and set the standard for
yourself too. I'd love to see that more, you
know, this sort of attitude or this sort of posture towards our
(19:42):
partners. Be that change.
Be brave enough to take that step and model that.
Yeah, be intentional about removing yourself from spaces
where that bitterness just becomes a pattern and a a
culture. Removing yourself from
conversations like that or patterns.
And in relationships you have outside of the home, practise
confidence in not needing to join in.
On partner bashing, so not needing to go into that space
(20:05):
with people just because they are also learn how to hold some
of these things privately. So not everything needs to be
shared. There's a difference between
seeking out support from trustedpeople to tackle challenges that
you've got going in your relationship and just sharing
and reinforcing these, this commentary on relationships with
with no kind of constructiveness.
And there's a bravery that comeswith that, being different to
(20:28):
the the norm, but being bold enough to be that way helps to
change the culture around this conversation in general.
Yeah, that's set the tone for our relationship and that
culture of like, no, we've got each others backs.
Like out in the world, we've goteach others backs.
If we've got issues, we will have issues.
We have had issues. That's internal.
We discussed that. That's on us to actually work
through that. With with about becoming the
(20:52):
opposite impact and pretending like we don't have issues.
So that I mean, we chat, we walkthis line all the time in the
podcast. Obviously, if you listen, you
hear us talk about the things wenavigate, but there's a
difference. There is a difference and you
will know, I think you'll know in your heart when you're
navigating this stuff, what thatline is between complaining or
falling into that bitterness pattern or just being a space
(21:15):
that's safe for people to be constructive and work on their
stuff as well. Something I have actually spoken
to people about though, and thisis what I do encourage if you
are going to speak to someone. What I have spoken to people
about in our relationship is howI respond to circumstances.
So it's very much a me thing. So this is what I want to work
on. I want to work through this.
I want to be able to approach this like this, not a yeah,
(21:37):
Amy's done all this sort of stuff and pointing the finger.
If I'm talking to someone else, it's always about for my own
growth in that scenario, yeah. Yeah.
And then kind of following closely on to this, removing the
external part of it, we're now talking about what goes on
inside of you. The next time you're tempted to
just push something away or ignore an issue, or excuse an
(21:58):
issue that you're not approaching with your partner
constructively because it feels like this is just how it is, or
it's too hard work, or it's justnormal relationship dynamics, Or
I'll just do it myself because it's easier and it'll keep the
peace. Pause and project yourself five
years down the track, 10 years down the track, where do you
want your relationship to be? And then step that back.
(22:19):
And write that down. We did this.
We actually did this exercise one of our episodes where, you
know, Amy got me to close my eyes and she asked me that
question I cover. Well, I think it was just with
life in general, where, where doI see myself in five years?
And I had to really visualise that.
And I still have that image in my head.
I really, I really do. It hasn't left me because it was
like, yes, I want that, you know, I want that reality.
(22:42):
And so then it's like, cool, well, how can I make that
reality actually come happen? Yeah.
And so you step back to what decisions and attitude and
approach do you need today? And I can almost guarantee that
anything that comes into this category where it's like it's
too hard to don't bring it up, it doesn't want, I don't want to
rock the boat. In order to get to a
constructive future requires communication.
(23:03):
Now, if you have something that you're struggling with and
you're finding yourself in this pattern of criticism and
frustration and contempt building and you have not
communicated it with your partner, it's on you until you
can communicate that with your partner because you cannot
expect people to understand and read your mind.
You just can't expecting someoneto just know he's like expecting
(23:24):
a bunch of puzzle pieces put in a box and shaken up to put
themselves together. It's not going to happen.
Instead, we got to be intentional and work through
each piece and navigate each piece and it's going to be a
process and it just starts small.
But changing that approach because you know that five years
down the track, you want to be closer together and you don't
want to be frustrated every timeyour partner doesn't doesn't do
(23:45):
what he says he's going to do oryour your wife is like having a
negative reaction. You don't want to be in that
space. Cool, then what are we doing
today? Change that.
So those are the two things culturally that you can
navigate. All right.
And so then for your relationship, health and
enjoyment. So stop tolerating bitterness.
Next time something bothers you,instead of storing it up like
we've just said, figure out a way to take a breath for a an
(24:07):
appropriate time. If it's not right now to bring
it up and say hey can I just share something with you before
it builds into something else? Keeping your tone kind and your
words short. You don't want it to become big
and huge before you address it and we have learned that the
hard way. Swap whinging for micro
conversations. So when you did this I felt
this. Could we try this instead?
I love that too because of bringing up the issue.
(24:30):
It's just like sometimes you know, you and I have brought
something up and it's like we just dumped it on the other
person. But what I've really like about
this is, so when you did this, that's an important thing to
bring up. I felt this that now helps you
understand the way that it was brought across or whatever made
me feel a certain way. Could we try this?
It's like I'm actually coming with an idea.
It's not, I'm not just now making it your problem.
(24:52):
It's like not like dump on you. Now you have to do something
about it. It's like, well, I've really
thought about this. Could we could we do this
instead? Could we approach it this way?
And that's a question as well. So then now you actually have
input into that, but I'm not just dumping it on you.
You're not just dumping it on tome.
We're actually working at it. It starts the conversation and
it's about the conversation. Yeah.
(25:12):
Not that you've just dumped, notthat you've just voiced.
Dumping is not a conversation. It's you just putting it on
someone else. The conversations are backers
and forth and we want a healthy conversation which opens up
that, yeah, that discussion. And also this formula, if you
want to put it that way. So when you did this, I felt
this, could we do this is actually a just a natural way of
(25:33):
bringing curiosity into it because we need to have thought
about what did I feel when they did that or what was it?
I feel this way. What did they do that made me
feel this way? And it just naturally brings
that out. Yeah.
And then the problem solving part where you're constructively
thinking about a future, you're not just dumping it like you
just said, they're little bite sized moments too.
They're not this huge issue that's built up and built up
because you've addressed it quickly.
(25:54):
They're bite size low risk approaches to the things that
you're navigating and building arhythm of repair.
We have talked about this a lot and it's really helpful,
especially if you've found yourself just a little flooded
with how to start with this sortof thing.
But basically creating a weekly check in where you have a time
set apart that you know is goingto happen weekly and you can
(26:19):
check in on how you're going. What's one thing we could
change? We've got resources on the
website to help fill out this conversation, if that's helpful.
Or you can just make it your own.
But you know that time's coming.So it relieves some of the
stress throughout the week when things flare up and they're
frustrating. It relieves the angst of like,
oh, do I bring it up? Don't I bring it up?
Do I bring it up? Don't I bring it up?
(26:39):
And it also means you're in a better headspace when you come
into that conversation and you, you've got time to process and,
and be curious about what it is that's going on.
And it just kind of takes away some of that that confusion and
make it fun. If you actually bring something
fun into it, it helps with that.It's like it's not just this
dreaded conversation every time.It's something fun.
So you make sure you've always got chocolate or you know, make
(27:00):
it like have tea times, you know, you have a tea, you make
tea together or whatever else. Make it fun.
If you just, if it's just hard all the time, you're not going
to want to do it. You're just going to be it's in
the too hard. It's.
Going to be an obligation and just another chore.
Yeah, Yeah. This is this is a way to help
make it manageable and even beyond just working on the
difficulties, a way to connect regularly with your partner.
(27:23):
So then we move into external relationships.
So how do we work on building and fostering healthy external
relationships as we go? So actively encourage your
partner's friendships, as long as they're constructive
friendship. Like I'm sure there's some
friendships that you're like, I'm not going to encourage you
spending time with them because of this.
Isn't this. That's a different conversation.
And you guys can navigate that, noting outs out loud.
(27:46):
I love that you're spending timewith this person.
I love that you're talking with this person.
I love that you're connecting with this person and freeing
them up without obligation or guilt as much as you can.
Because it's also a personal, internal thing that people take
on so that they can foster that time in a healthy balance is
(28:07):
really important. Model it to yourself.
So figure out one friend you canconnect with today, whether
that's a text or a voice memo ora phone call or set up a coffee
or walk or something like that, that you can set time apart to
be connecting with someone important in your life that's
outside of your immediate family.
This is something that I've beenactually growing in.
(28:27):
When when we moved from Melbourne, I was in a really
struggling point for my mental health because I was isolated
through covert blah blah. Now re entering back into the
friend zone with people has beenreally, really hard.
I struggled with a lot of socialanxiety.
I really struggled to, you know,make friends I guess like it was
just, and men are just so hard to do that with.
(28:49):
And it was really, it was reallyawkward, but it was really good.
I met a guy through dad's group here.
So I started going along to my local dad's group.
I met a guy and I just hung out.And the good thing there.
So for a lot of men, it's like if you just organise, hey, can
we go on a coffee? It's awkward.
Men don't typically do that if you don't know each other,
right? So the good thing about dad's
(29:09):
group is that we're doing something, you know, we're,
we're looking after, we're on a playground, we're getting a
coffee and I'm looking after my kids and there's other dads
around. So there's less pressure with
there, which is nice. So anyway, there was this one
dad that I got to meet and we just started getting along
really, really well. And then we're both in a similar
position of like, look, we don'thave any many like strong
relationships outside of our ourmarriages.
(29:33):
And then he actually asked me out on a date.
It was really strange, but good.But he's like.
But he said to me, he's like, women do it all the time.
Like why can't we do it? I'm like, no, you've got a
point. And then from there we actually
became really, really good mates.
We went out for a dinner. It was really, it really set the
tone for our relationship of intentionality and supporting
each other. And we're both in that same
(29:54):
place. So, you know, not saying just go
up and ask a random person thereon a date on a, on a mandate,
but like, you know, look for something like that.
Like go to something that's morepublic.
Like church is a great example where you can just go, there's a
lot of other people there, get to know them.
It's less pressure. There's something that's
actually happening. Or if you have a local dad's
group near you or a mum's group or whatever else, like go to
(30:15):
these sort of community events to meet other people.
When you've got something to do,it helps.
Yeah, I think the other thing ofthat story too, is it was funny
the way that he phrased it. Yeah.
But it also then meant that you guys were freer.
Like, it broke the ice to be freer, to be more vulnerable,
like straight off the bat. So, yeah, I think there's
something to be said about like if you're struggling with with
(30:36):
friendships, and I see this actually sometimes on the mum's
Facebook pages that I'm a part of people just going right out
there and be like, look, I need friends and I don't have any.
And does anyone want to catch up?
And like, I've never seen a negative response to a place
like that. All I've ever seen is a bunch of
mums jumping on and be like, thank you so much for being
brave. I'd love to.
I've got a kid this age, I'm in this area, whatever.
(30:57):
And I've see, I see a lot of negative comments on posts that
are in these kind of groups. Never do I see a negative
comment on a post like this because there's something about
being vulnerable. Like we shared earlier, sharing
your struggle or your vulnerability in a healthy way,
a constructive way, not in a toxic way, opens it up for other
people. And so being being honest, I
(31:19):
mean, like, hey, I've, I've beentrying to find some friends.
Do you want to have a coffee? It's really interesting.
Like I really think men, we can learn a lot from women in this
space. There's this level of
vulnerability and that that wordcan be so daunting for a lot of
men being vulnerable because ourguards are up all the time.
We need to be that tough guy. Now we've got it all together,
but the reality is we don't. So we're not kidding anyone.
(31:40):
Like no one has it all together,but we have to pretend.
We feel like we have to pretend to have it all together.
But I just love it. And that's exactly where my mate
Aaron reached out and and asked me to go on a mandate was
because you he's like, women do it all the time.
Like we see it and it's just, I don't know if it's bravery, I
don't know if it's safety been. Raised in a culture that allows,
(32:01):
Yeah, men, like we've talked about in a lot of different
ways, men haven't necessarily seen that for a long history,
Yeah. That kind of more vulnerable
emotional connection in friendship and that sort of
thing. So it's a new culture.
Yeah. And so now what I do too is
like, so I've been meeting some more guys just from from church
really. And like, I'm not necessarily
(32:22):
going on a man dates, like a dinner or whatever else, but for
me, I'm like, all right, cool, You want to grab a coffee and
get our steps up, you know, go for a walk.
So it's something active. So I want to get my steps up.
Most of the time they do too. It's like sick.
Let's go do that. You know, it's that activity,
you know, that's doesn't have tobe anything crazy.
It's like, hey, you want to catch up for a coffee, go for a
walk, get our steps up. It gives a task and then you
(32:44):
just chat and it's just super chill.
Yeah. Yeah, low risk, yeah.
Yeah. Well, following really closely
on to that, the last point here is to build shared circles.
So if especially when one of youis struggling more than others,
and this is kind of for the mostpart what we did for the first
few years of being up here, you build shared circles for you
both to connect with other people.
So invite neighbours for a casual meal or join or attend
(33:07):
something together like a community.
So church, really perfect example of this.
You could probably find similar in sports clubs or parenting
groups. Like you said, dads and moms
groups or parenting groups, different kind of communities
like that are really helpful because you already have a point
of connection, the point of something similar.
And even better when you can do it together.
So not one of you having to go out there, especially if you've
(33:30):
got some social anxiety on theirown going together is really
helpful. And actually, when we had Kate
and Tom on the podcast a few weeks ago talking about dad's
group, they said this is how dad's group started.
Kate was already in a mum's group and they just got the dads
of that mum's group together andbuilt that community, so there's
something beautiful in that. Something that they do now too
(33:50):
though is they signed up becausethey moved after they started
those those groups and stuff. But what they started to do to
get to know their neighbours, they did, they did like
Wednesday Chip Day or whatever. This is all their neighbours
just go get hot chips and they just have hot chips in the
street and it's just like every Wednesday night.
It's just hot chips. It's not expensive.
Hot chips are not expensive and everyone loves hot chips and
(34:11):
it's just like that's it. When you've got food involved,
it's so nice, it's so much better, it's so much easier.
Yeah, exactly. So like food, man, it's just
such a great way to do. That it's an icebreaker and it's
a time restraint. So you're not just like, open
ended, oh, you're at my house for the whole day.
Yeah, you're like, we're gonna eat chips and probably we'll
chat for a bit. And then once that's done,
(34:32):
there's no expectation of it to get longer.
Yeah. Absolutely, yeah.
And that's one of the last points we've got here too, is
low effort, regular rhythms thatyou can implement that help you
as a family connect with other people.
So that Wednesday chip day, Saturday morning sports, like if
you have families you connect with where your kids are doing
sports, bring coffee for a few people and just build that out
when you're there. Or Sunday family lunch if you're
(34:54):
at church or something like that.
Have invite a different family after church.
Or if your building actually allows, like what we used to do
at our old church was all the families would stick around
after the service and just bringtheir lunch there.
And they just had a big family lunch.
And the family's become really good friends.
Like they got really close. Like their kids got close that
(35:15):
the parents got close as friendsand stuff because they just had
that time together. It was low effort.
It was just hanging out. Low maintenance, like if you
can't make it one week, you can't make it, Yeah.
Exactly. Absolutely.
I encourage you too though. If you're not in a community
like this and you're looking forone, I want to encourage you to
find a healthy 1 and it's reallyimportant.
Yeah, absolutely. So that's how you can start to
(35:37):
build strong relationships within your marriage, strong
relationships with external people and just little steps at
a time. This can feel daunting.
It might be easy to hear this and be like, look at where we're
at, we're doomed. We got to change everything.
That's never a helpful way of navigating change.
And listen to our episode about actually sticking to goals
because that has this all brokendown.
(35:58):
But no, that's not a healthy wayof navigating change.
Just break it down to one small thing you can do today, one
small adjustment you can do today, one attitude adjustment,
one internal thing or one external thing.
And that will help steer your ship towards what you're working
towards in five years time, 10 years time, just making those
little incremental, but it's notoptional.
(36:19):
Having healthy relationships is not optional for a healthy life.
And I think that's a really important challenge for all of
us. So as a quick reality check
corner for this episode, just toask yourself and reflect on your
own things. What is something that you've
been saying it is what it is instead of rocking the boat?
(36:40):
What's something that you have seen pop up and you've wanted to
raise with your partner and you're just like, you can't be
bothered? Just ask yourself that.
Is there something sitting there?
If there's something that comes straight to mind, pay attention
to it might be important. And do you have people outside
your house who really know you and support you and
relationships that you're fostering?
This is not a question to make you feel bad about not having
(37:03):
those people. And we've navigated that as
well, especially with Blair's journey being like, I just don't
have anybody that fits this. It's not something to make you
feel bad. It's something to highlight and
maybe flag where you can put some more effort in and follow
some of these tips that we've given to bring intentional
connection outside of your family as well.
So something that I've been working on just with other stuff
(37:25):
in general is I'm really trying to have a attitude of gratitude.
And So what I'm actually doing at the moment is every single
day I've got a notes section in my phone and I'm writing down
one thing that I'm, I'm gratefulfor in this area because I've
found like if I only focus on the negative, I just keep
getting more and more and more negative.
(37:47):
So what I want to encourage you to do is start that journey
today. Open up the notes tab on your
phone, write down what's one thing that you're grateful for
in your relationship. And even if you're in a healthy
relationship, keep doing that. You know, it's not just for the
times when we're struggling, we want to just keep having that
attitude, keep rocking up with just thankfulness and gratitude
(38:08):
for the relationship that we have.
Also, what I want to encourage you to do is really challenge
yourself and have a look at yourself too, of how am I
talking about my spouse or my partner to the world, right?
So that is on social media. If that is just through the
friends that we have, how am I talking about that?
And if you find that it is becoming negative, what can you
(38:28):
do about that? How can you shift the, the
script of the way of, of your partner and the relationship
that you have, but also address that thing that you're actually
discussing with other people with your partner.
So thank you so much guys for tuning in.
I really hope this was helpful. I love this study going through
that. It's just really confirming what
we're on about here at honey. We need to chat.
(38:50):
We love hearing from you guys. So please write in, let us know
what what challenged you in this, what was new to you.
Just share with us your journey and your stories.
Would love to hear that. Yeah.
And one of the things that you guys are growing in and working
on in your relationship. So thank you so much for tuning
in guys. We'll catch you next week.
Good chat.
Honey, we need to chat. We all know that classic
reaction in relationships, the little vent to a friend or the
joke that husbands are hopeless in the kitchen or wives are
always nagging. It presents as harmless, almost
like a cultural inside joke, just letting off some steam.
(00:26):
But what if those throwaway jokes aren't actually that
harmless? What if saying it is what it is,
just shrugging off frustration is quietly Ruding the very thing
that actually keeps us alive andhappy?
The truth is, we live in a culture where whinging and
complaints feel normal and healthy, but really they just
feel easier than repair. Where funny bitterness gets a
(00:48):
laugh and all you have to do is scroll for a few minutes before
you come across some kind of content that feels relatable in
this space, that fits this culture.
But what happens when you're consuming too much of this
content, or when this becomes too much of the norm?
When we build this idea that this is normal and acceptable in
relationships, we might lean into gender norm jokes because
(01:08):
they're relatable. Husbands are lazy, wives are
naggy. It feels safe, but it also
quietly reinforces distance. But once you remove the laughs
and the joking, it leaves a lot of couples in this attitude
towards a relationship of meh. We start to tolerate these low
grade frustrations within each other because that seems easier
(01:30):
than rocking the boat. Rocking the boat can feel scary
because we have to bring something up that's honest now.
And these jokes, these low gradecomplaints, they just become
contempt towards each other and we all know how that goes.
So when you look online, it becomes quite an echo Chamber of
this culture. These jokes, these like
relatable videos you see of people sharing how frustrated
(01:52):
they are, their partner for something.
And everybody laughs and they send it to their friends.
And they're like, oh, yeah, that's so true.
But it actually becomes an echo Chamber of this culture.
And this culture starts to set in.
And as we've seen these echo chambers, especially on social
media, they build into somethingthat subtly is really damaging.
And if that's what we start to accept is normal and not looking
(02:16):
into how to repair those things,it actually is going to cause a
really damaging idea towards relationships.
So these videos or these this content that we see these
relatable things, they're funny,they're liked.
I understand how they get passedaround.
And every now and then I'll see something scroll up on on our
socials that I'm like, oh, maybeI should share that on the
podcast. And I'm like, it's not super
(02:37):
constructive. And that's the trick is we don't
see the reality of that dynamic at play in the broader
relationship. We don't see this couple
navigating how to repair it. And I understand the light
humour side of it, but I, I get nervous with not just this
topic, but all of these kinds ofthings on socials where we're
only seeing one layer of it and we're seeing it over and over
(02:57):
and over in a way that's making it feel OK, yeah.
And in a way, that's not helpingus learn how to fix it.
Yeah, absolutely in, in social media space, like it's such a
tricky thing. It's like kind of like they're
behind the closed doors sort of stuff, right.
So you're not even really rocking the boat.
You're just not a lot of the times you're not even really
thinking through what actually happens.
So for me, I don't share anything to my friends about you
(03:20):
at all. Like in a jokey way, I might
send them to you because it might be something that we've
talked about or whatever else. And it's just a joke.
It is a between us, but if ever came anything more serious and
we'll discuss that. But yeah, social media is just
one of those things. It's easy to see something and
pass on, and we might not think anything of it, but it's when we
feed these thoughts, when we feed that and then we get
(03:40):
validation from our friends fromthose thoughts, it can really
bring down and grow and fester into something gross.
Yeah, and I it's tricky because there is a beauty in feeling
understood and heard. And I think that's the challenge
with this is a lot of this stuffmakes people feel seen and
they're like, oh, I'm not alone in this.
And there's there is a beauty inthat.
So I think it's not to throw thebaby out with the bathwater
(04:03):
here, but the problem is it is this echo chamber.
It's just the same idea over andover without the full picture.
And that's where it becomes out of balance and challenging.
And if you keep seeing this, these like low light, frustrated
relationships as the norm and you just see that over and over
without repair, then that's whatwe're going to build in our
(04:24):
heads of what is acceptable within our own relationship.
So with all of that said, welcome to Honey We need to Chat
podcast. The podcast all about
communication in relationship, and this episode specifically is
going to be really emphasising why is that actually important?
And it's so your relationship gets better and stronger and you
(04:45):
can grow together. But two, you're also gonna see
how this actually has impact on your physical health and the
longevity of your life. Yeah, which is crazy.
Yeah. It's not optional.
It's not a nice to have. It's actually it impacts your
well being. So we're gonna dive into that.
Welcome, welcome. Thank you for being here.
Thank you for tuning in. Also, don't forget if you are
not on our YouTube, go head overto YouTube, subscribe there
(05:06):
because we do have a lot of other content on that.
We have our vlogs and we're gonna be bringing out more
content on YouTube to make sure you check that out, to get a bit
more behind the scenes of our life, who we are, get to know us
and write in writing comments, write in emails, whatever you
like, because we want to get to know you as you get to know us.
You can also check out our website, Honey, we need to
chat.com. We've got a lot of free releases
(05:28):
on there, resources on there as well.
Reese's, we got free. Reese's Pieces.
No, we don't. We got resources over there
though that you can download forfree that you can actually do go
along with some of our episodes.So you you'll be able to hear
what we're saying. And then we've actually got
resources for you to be able to work through what we're talking
about as well. So check those out.
(05:48):
So check it, check it out. So why is all of this that we've
spoken about important to relationships?
What makes the difference? Why is it not just harmless
joking, Harvest? Did I say that right, Harvard?
Yeah, he said it like intense. Harvard has been running the
longest study on human happinessand health in history.
(06:08):
That's what triggered this episode when we were reading
about this study. It's so fascinating to see the
results of this, this research that they've done.
So it started in 1938 and they were tracking 724 people and
today it includes more than 1300of their children.
So it's tracked through from 1938.
Generationally. A lot of their kids as well,
(06:29):
yeah. So researchers measured
everything from income, education, diet, exercise,
smoking, drinking, medical records, interviews, the whole
picture. Yeah.
So it's about 80 years of data on that.
And So what they come up with this is pretty cool.
I'm going to read this though, because I'm not going to be able
to remember it off the top of myhead.
The number one predictor of how long you'll live like you live
(06:51):
your life, that sounds obvious. How happy you'll you'll be
wasn't money. It wasn't kale.
So it wasn't superfood because kale is an interesting thing.
It's actually not me. It wasn't even cholesterol
levels. It was relationships.
So This is why we're so important, guys, why we're so
(07:11):
important. Yeah, it's crazy.
So basically connection is more important than all of those
things. I just want to pull out.
They they looked at smoking and drinking, diet and exercise and
the most important thing for thelongevity and health of someones
life was their relationships. Wild.
That's not just marriage relationships, but they did look
(07:32):
at that as well, obviously, where a relate a romantic
relationship podcast and we're going to talk about why this is
so important, why this work thatwe talk about every week on the
podcast is so important. It's not optional for a healthy
happy life. It's not an optional extra.
It's a requirement for having a healthy life.
And the other interesting thing is I have seen the story play
(07:54):
out over and over of people thatjust push through in their
marriages. Their marriages are horrible,
but they're married and that's something I want to.
Show that the status. The literally the legal status,
like at least we didn't get divorced there.
They have. In this study, they found that
people in unhappy marriages wereworse off, even though they were
married than smokers, than people that weren't married at
(08:16):
all, that were not in any kind of than smokers, I thought.
I saw something but it. Might be that too, but that they
were worse off being in a relationship that was toxic and
unhealthy than they were withoutany kind of relationship.
And so that's why we talk about this stuff.
We talk about the important foundations to build health into
your relationship and that actually practically physically
(08:39):
builds health into you as well as you grow.
So marriage satisfaction mattersmore than just your marital
status. It's also not enough to be
relying on having a partner in your life either.
So your nuclear, nuclear family or your immediate family.
That's was found in this study too.
What also was incredibly important for longevity and
health was external relationships.
(09:00):
And this is something that we, we don't talk about much on the
podcast because we're so focusedon your partner and you, but
that's another really important part of health and well being as
you go into older age. Yeah.
And so it's why this is so important.
So we talk a lot about our romantic relationships, so our
partners, our spouses, and what we talk a lot about on these
(09:21):
podcasts, on this podcast is theimportance of yourself care
because we can't show up in our relationship.
We can't actually tackle or address these situations that
we're trying to do in a good wayif we're low, like if we're not
actually looking after ourselves.
So, So why this is important? Because as you get older,
research shows that people more tend to isolate as they get
older, especially men. And I've definitely found this
(09:44):
for myself and for the nonprofitorganisation that we work for.
We've shared a lot as well aboutdad's group.
This is a big thing that we findis when dads or men, mums go
through the same stuff too, but we focus on dads, is that
isolation for men as they get older and older and older
becomes just so realised so much.
It really impacts mental health.So research calls loneliness
(10:07):
toxic. Like it's actually toxic to you.
It's a dangerous. It's as dangerous as smoking or
alcoholism. That's what I saw before.
So it wasn't. Yeah, but that's wild, right?
So loneliness is just as bad as smoking or alcoholism.
Yeah. It's intense.
It is intense, and so it's important.
So you might be thinking Harvardfound this information.
(10:30):
But that's just one study. Yeah, but there's so many more
other studies out there. There's so many studies that
actually backed this. Up.
Yeah. So a massive meta analysis
looked at 148 students with morethan 300,000 participants and
found that people with strong social ties had a 50% higher
chance of survival. That's the same effect as
quitting smoking. The Blue Zones is another thing
(10:51):
that people have looked into a lot.
So the longest living communities in the world, they
call them the Blue Zones. I want to look into this more on
my own. They all share 1 trait and that
is deep social integration. All the longest living
communities in the world have deep social integration.
The Framingham Heart study showed that it's not just
marriage itself, but the qualityof marriage that predicts your
(11:12):
heart health. Crazy.
The UN's World Happiness Report has been saying for years that
social trust and support matter more for well being than income
does. Once your basic needs are met,
your social trust and support soyour community matter more than
the income you're having in as long as you're basic needs are
met. So it's not just one study that
says this. The evidence is overwhelming and
(11:32):
you've probably seen it play outin your life or the lives of
people around you. And that's been definitely me,
right? So we've spoken a lot.
You know, big part of my burnoutwas this was me.
Well, it was in COVID we didn't have.
Relationships, really. I would be fascinated to see the
studies. Yeah, that's actually now
thinking about that as we've been sharing about this, like
that was for me just just triggered so much stuff that I
(11:55):
was so isolated. But before that, I was already
becoming isolated. Someone's becoming a dad.
So I really struggled. I still became a dad.
And not that you didn't strugglewith this, but for me, I
struggled because I just had this guilt.
We call it dad guilt and the mums get the same thing.
But I'm a dad. So I had this dad guilt of like,
well, I can't leave the house. I can't go exercise, I can't go
(12:16):
socialise because I don't want to leave you stuck at home by
yourself without brand new baby.Like that's just not fair.
I don't want to be that guy because I was so convicted of
when I became a dad that I wouldn't prioritise out of the
house more than inside the house.
But what actually ended up happening, I only prioritised
inside the house and I didn't actually take care of myself and
(12:37):
address these things. I didn't hang out with people, I
didn't see people. I was literally just.
I. Didn't foster relationships, I
didn't call people. I was just like no, no, no, this
needs my complete attention and I was becoming more and more and
more isolated. Then when I was really
struggling, I really struggled. I didn't have that support
network around me. I didn't have anything, you
(12:57):
know, 1 was COVID, we couldn't, but I actually started cutting
tyres before then as well. And so, yeah, it's, it's I, I
see this from a, I've experienced this, I've seen the
damage of this and I was out, like I was down and out.
Yeah, Yeah. It's huge.
So what does that mean for us here on this podcast and in the
work that we're doing? So first of all, it's really
(13:18):
emphasising how much the foundational stuff in your
relationship matters. Don't tell yourself like, oh,
we've been married for too long.You know, we're, we're past that
time. It's too late for us.
This, this Harvard research actually found that satisfaction
at 50, predicted health at 80. All right, so you might have
been married for quite a while, but you still have time to flip
(13:39):
that script. You still have that time to
invest in your relationship. Start now.
Go on this journey with us now. Yeah, it also shows that
relationships start at home. So your marriage or partnership
is your inner circle. And if that's brittle and it's
not working well, that's going to affect your outer circles.
It's an important part for feeding into that and.
What's interesting too though, if your outer circles becomes
(14:01):
brittle, your inner circle is your safety.
You know what I mean? If that's strong, that the outer
circle won't impact you as much when that.
Becomes it's a safe, it's a safety mechanism.
So on that, the Third Point is that your nuclear family is not
enough. Nuclear means immediate, just.
Your kids or your? Nuclear sounds like toxic it's
(14:23):
not enough. You need to encourage each other
to be building friendships and fostering relationships outside
of your relationship. And I think this is a tricky one
like you've just described with the dad guilt interesting
politics that go into relationships sometimes where
it's like a comparison thing of you have all this stuff out of
the house and I've got nothing or like this balancing act.
(14:43):
It is important to be fostering healthy relationships for your
partner outside of the home as well as inside the home.
So encouraging your partners connections instead of seeing
them as competition is really important.
And fourthly, if you're already past 50 and you hear that and
you're like, oh, well, I'm doomed.
If you're listening to this in your past 50 and we know that
some of you are, and you're wondering if that window is
(15:05):
closed, the answer is no. This study also found that
people who rebuilt or reinvestedlater in life saw the benefits.
So it's not a doomed thing. It's not a.
It's not a. Past.
This line, past this line, yeah,expiry date kind of thing.
It's never too late to invest inthis connection.
It is never too late to invest in this connection.
So if you're finding yourself inthis echo chamber and this
(15:26):
culture of complaining or settling for meth in your
relationship, if you're pushing things away and you're thinking
it's not worth rocking the boat because I can just do it myself.
I don't want to bring up this difficult conversation or it is
what it is and I'm just seeing the same pattern play out in my
relationship that I saw in my parents relationship or my
grandparents relationship. If there are these things that
(15:48):
you're settling for, these patterns that you're settling
for that are not constructive and are not bringing you closer
to a happy, healthy relationship, then this is the
moment for you to start reinforcing your marriage.
If you're settling for these things that just feel normal and
they just feel OK because you'veseen them play out elsewhere.
If you've heard other people talk about them and you just
(16:09):
think that's what marriage lookslike, pause.
Because no, this is the moment to rein reinforce your
relationship and put these things in place to help for the
longevity of your well being. Healthy relationship is not a
nice to have for well being. It's a must have.
It's a must have. Yeah, just to clarify.
Yeah. And I'm going to keep saying
this probably through because I know how sometimes we can hear
(16:30):
these sorts of things and be like, well, you know, we're not
in a healthy marriage, so we better call it quits.
You know, that's not we are saying the opposite.
If you're not in a healthy marriage, start now to actually
make it healthy. There's things that you can do.
This isn't an excuse. You saw an opportunity now to
leave something that's not healthy and go find that healthy
thing because if you do that, that thing is going to become
(16:52):
the. Same problems follow you.
They unless you work on those patterns, they will follow you.
Yes, yeah. And that I think that's
important to remember because the grass always looks greener,
right? And we always talk about on this
podcast that we are not about highlighting what your partner
is or isn't doing because we cannot control other people, but
what we can control is ourselves.
So if you're not going to put the work into tackling difficult
(17:15):
dynamics, tackling challenging patterns and and repeating
things that you've seen play outin your relationship.
Now, if you're not going to put that work in, it's not just
going to magically get better onits own regardless, but it can
get better and it can help the longevity of your health and
your well being as you age as well.
One thing that I don't think I put in these notes that was
(17:35):
really interesting from the Harvard study was it found that
people that had healthy relationships around them as
they got older did not experience pain like physical
pain as much like the pain that they experienced with their
health issues was less. How crazy is that?
Oh. It's just, yeah, it's just wild.
And I wonder why. Did you look into that?
Because God created us in community.
(17:57):
Yeah, that's what I believe, yeah.
Yeah. We're created to be in community
and we're drawn to community andrelationship in order for
survival in every way. We're finding out today, so.
We're going to jump back into this conversation in a minute,
but I just wanted to take a bit of a pause here because you
might be listening to this episode and being like, man, I
just need, I need help. I need help to work through
this. I need help to process this.
(18:17):
I need help to unpack this. Amy does some coaching with some
people. So if you would like that
service, please reach out onto our website.
We need to chat.com for Amy's coaching services.
This is something that we're really passionate about.
This is the direction that we want to go in with our all of
our content is we we're bringingup the topics, we're bringing
(18:39):
the awareness, but then we we really want to be working with
you guys to support you guys personally, individually in
Group settings, whatever it is ends up.
So if you are interested in that, reach out on honey, we
need to chat.com. Hope to talk to you soon.
So that's what this podcast is all about.
All of these, all of these things we've talked about plays
(19:00):
out through all of our episodes.We have so many episodes you
could apply to tackling your marriage, your relationship
right now, even episodes you could apply to tackling your
external relationships. Some of these concepts would
translate, but here are just some practical ways for today as
we're talking about this that wecan start to change the script
that's going on for you right now.
(19:20):
So one big thing is you know what we talked earlier about
these, these joking about gender, these gender jokes in on
social media, right? Saying, you know, women are
whingy, men are lazy, whatever else.
Be brave enough to change that. You know, in your world, be
brave enough to change that culture and set the standard for
yourself too. I'd love to see that more, you
know, this sort of attitude or this sort of posture towards our
(19:42):
partners. Be that change.
Be brave enough to take that step and model that.
Yeah, be intentional about removing yourself from spaces
where that bitterness just becomes a pattern and a a
culture. Removing yourself from
conversations like that or patterns.
And in relationships you have outside of the home, practise
confidence in not needing to join in.
On partner bashing, so not needing to go into that space
(20:05):
with people just because they are also learn how to hold some
of these things privately. So not everything needs to be
shared. There's a difference between
seeking out support from trustedpeople to tackle challenges that
you've got going in your relationship and just sharing
and reinforcing these, this commentary on relationships with
with no kind of constructiveness.
And there's a bravery that comeswith that, being different to
(20:28):
the the norm, but being bold enough to be that way helps to
change the culture around this conversation in general.
Yeah, that's set the tone for our relationship and that
culture of like, no, we've got each others backs.
Like out in the world, we've goteach others backs.
If we've got issues, we will have issues.
We have had issues. That's internal.
We discussed that. That's on us to actually work
through that. With with about becoming the
(20:52):
opposite impact and pretending like we don't have issues.
So that I mean, we chat, we walkthis line all the time in the
podcast. Obviously, if you listen, you
hear us talk about the things wenavigate, but there's a
difference. There is a difference and you
will know, I think you'll know in your heart when you're
navigating this stuff, what thatline is between complaining or
falling into that bitterness pattern or just being a space
(21:15):
that's safe for people to be constructive and work on their
stuff as well. Something I have actually spoken
to people about though, and thisis what I do encourage if you
are going to speak to someone. What I have spoken to people
about in our relationship is howI respond to circumstances.
So it's very much a me thing. So this is what I want to work
on. I want to work through this.
I want to be able to approach this like this, not a yeah,
(21:37):
Amy's done all this sort of stuff and pointing the finger.
If I'm talking to someone else, it's always about for my own
growth in that scenario, yeah. Yeah.
And then kind of following closely on to this, removing the
external part of it, we're now talking about what goes on
inside of you. The next time you're tempted to
just push something away or ignore an issue, or excuse an
(21:58):
issue that you're not approaching with your partner
constructively because it feels like this is just how it is, or
it's too hard work, or it's justnormal relationship dynamics, Or
I'll just do it myself because it's easier and it'll keep the
peace. Pause and project yourself five
years down the track, 10 years down the track, where do you
want your relationship to be? And then step that back.
(22:19):
And write that down. We did this.
We actually did this exercise one of our episodes where, you
know, Amy got me to close my eyes and she asked me that
question I cover. Well, I think it was just with
life in general, where, where doI see myself in five years?
And I had to really visualise that.
And I still have that image in my head.
I really, I really do. It hasn't left me because it was
like, yes, I want that, you know, I want that reality.
(22:42):
And so then it's like, cool, well, how can I make that
reality actually come happen? Yeah.
And so you step back to what decisions and attitude and
approach do you need today? And I can almost guarantee that
anything that comes into this category where it's like it's
too hard to don't bring it up, it doesn't want, I don't want to
rock the boat. In order to get to a
constructive future requires communication.
(23:03):
Now, if you have something that you're struggling with and
you're finding yourself in this pattern of criticism and
frustration and contempt building and you have not
communicated it with your partner, it's on you until you
can communicate that with your partner because you cannot
expect people to understand and read your mind.
You just can't expecting someoneto just know he's like expecting
(23:24):
a bunch of puzzle pieces put in a box and shaken up to put
themselves together. It's not going to happen.
Instead, we got to be intentional and work through
each piece and navigate each piece and it's going to be a
process and it just starts small.
But changing that approach because you know that five years
down the track, you want to be closer together and you don't
want to be frustrated every timeyour partner doesn't doesn't do
(23:45):
what he says he's going to do oryour your wife is like having a
negative reaction. You don't want to be in that
space. Cool, then what are we doing
today? Change that.
So those are the two things culturally that you can
navigate. All right.
And so then for your relationship, health and
enjoyment. So stop tolerating bitterness.
Next time something bothers you,instead of storing it up like
we've just said, figure out a way to take a breath for a an
(24:07):
appropriate time. If it's not right now to bring
it up and say hey can I just share something with you before
it builds into something else? Keeping your tone kind and your
words short. You don't want it to become big
and huge before you address it and we have learned that the
hard way. Swap whinging for micro
conversations. So when you did this I felt
this. Could we try this instead?
I love that too because of bringing up the issue.
(24:30):
It's just like sometimes you know, you and I have brought
something up and it's like we just dumped it on the other
person. But what I've really like about
this is, so when you did this, that's an important thing to
bring up. I felt this that now helps you
understand the way that it was brought across or whatever made
me feel a certain way. Could we try this?
It's like I'm actually coming with an idea.
It's not, I'm not just now making it your problem.
(24:52):
It's like not like dump on you. Now you have to do something
about it. It's like, well, I've really
thought about this. Could we could we do this
instead? Could we approach it this way?
And that's a question as well. So then now you actually have
input into that, but I'm not just dumping it on you.
You're not just dumping it on tome.
We're actually working at it. It starts the conversation and
it's about the conversation. Yeah.
(25:12):
Not that you've just dumped, notthat you've just voiced.
Dumping is not a conversation. It's you just putting it on
someone else. The conversations are backers
and forth and we want a healthy conversation which opens up
that, yeah, that discussion. And also this formula, if you
want to put it that way. So when you did this, I felt
this, could we do this is actually a just a natural way of
(25:33):
bringing curiosity into it because we need to have thought
about what did I feel when they did that or what was it?
I feel this way. What did they do that made me
feel this way? And it just naturally brings
that out. Yeah.
And then the problem solving part where you're constructively
thinking about a future, you're not just dumping it like you
just said, they're little bite sized moments too.
They're not this huge issue that's built up and built up
because you've addressed it quickly.
(25:54):
They're bite size low risk approaches to the things that
you're navigating and building arhythm of repair.
We have talked about this a lot and it's really helpful,
especially if you've found yourself just a little flooded
with how to start with this sortof thing.
But basically creating a weekly check in where you have a time
set apart that you know is goingto happen weekly and you can
(26:19):
check in on how you're going. What's one thing we could
change? We've got resources on the
website to help fill out this conversation, if that's helpful.
Or you can just make it your own.
But you know that time's coming.So it relieves some of the
stress throughout the week when things flare up and they're
frustrating. It relieves the angst of like,
oh, do I bring it up? Don't I bring it up?
Do I bring it up? Don't I bring it up?
(26:39):
And it also means you're in a better headspace when you come
into that conversation and you, you've got time to process and,
and be curious about what it is that's going on.
And it just kind of takes away some of that that confusion and
make it fun. If you actually bring something
fun into it, it helps with that.It's like it's not just this
dreaded conversation every time.It's something fun.
So you make sure you've always got chocolate or you know, make
(27:00):
it like have tea times, you know, you have a tea, you make
tea together or whatever else. Make it fun.
If you just, if it's just hard all the time, you're not going
to want to do it. You're just going to be it's in
the too hard. It's.
Going to be an obligation and just another chore.
Yeah, Yeah. This is this is a way to help
make it manageable and even beyond just working on the
difficulties, a way to connect regularly with your partner.
(27:23):
So then we move into external relationships.
So how do we work on building and fostering healthy external
relationships as we go? So actively encourage your
partner's friendships, as long as they're constructive
friendship. Like I'm sure there's some
friendships that you're like, I'm not going to encourage you
spending time with them because of this.
Isn't this. That's a different conversation.
And you guys can navigate that, noting outs out loud.
(27:46):
I love that you're spending timewith this person.
I love that you're talking with this person.
I love that you're connecting with this person and freeing
them up without obligation or guilt as much as you can.
Because it's also a personal, internal thing that people take
on so that they can foster that time in a healthy balance is
(28:07):
really important. Model it to yourself.
So figure out one friend you canconnect with today, whether
that's a text or a voice memo ora phone call or set up a coffee
or walk or something like that, that you can set time apart to
be connecting with someone important in your life that's
outside of your immediate family.
This is something that I've beenactually growing in.
(28:27):
When when we moved from Melbourne, I was in a really
struggling point for my mental health because I was isolated
through covert blah blah. Now re entering back into the
friend zone with people has beenreally, really hard.
I struggled with a lot of socialanxiety.
I really struggled to, you know,make friends I guess like it was
just, and men are just so hard to do that with.
(28:49):
And it was really, it was reallyawkward, but it was really good.
I met a guy through dad's group here.
So I started going along to my local dad's group.
I met a guy and I just hung out.And the good thing there.
So for a lot of men, it's like if you just organise, hey, can
we go on a coffee? It's awkward.
Men don't typically do that if you don't know each other,
right? So the good thing about dad's
(29:09):
group is that we're doing something, you know, we're,
we're looking after, we're on a playground, we're getting a
coffee and I'm looking after my kids and there's other dads
around. So there's less pressure with
there, which is nice. So anyway, there was this one
dad that I got to meet and we just started getting along
really, really well. And then we're both in a similar
position of like, look, we don'thave any many like strong
relationships outside of our ourmarriages.
(29:33):
And then he actually asked me out on a date.
It was really strange, but good.But he's like.
But he said to me, he's like, women do it all the time.
Like why can't we do it? I'm like, no, you've got a
point. And then from there we actually
became really, really good mates.
We went out for a dinner. It was really, it really set the
tone for our relationship of intentionality and supporting
each other. And we're both in that same
(29:54):
place. So, you know, not saying just go
up and ask a random person thereon a date on a, on a mandate,
but like, you know, look for something like that.
Like go to something that's morepublic.
Like church is a great example where you can just go, there's a
lot of other people there, get to know them.
It's less pressure. There's something that's
actually happening. Or if you have a local dad's
group near you or a mum's group or whatever else, like go to
(30:15):
these sort of community events to meet other people.
When you've got something to do,it helps.
Yeah, I think the other thing ofthat story too, is it was funny
the way that he phrased it. Yeah.
But it also then meant that you guys were freer.
Like, it broke the ice to be freer, to be more vulnerable,
like straight off the bat. So, yeah, I think there's
something to be said about like if you're struggling with with
(30:36):
friendships, and I see this actually sometimes on the mum's
Facebook pages that I'm a part of people just going right out
there and be like, look, I need friends and I don't have any.
And does anyone want to catch up?
And like, I've never seen a negative response to a place
like that. All I've ever seen is a bunch of
mums jumping on and be like, thank you so much for being
brave. I'd love to.
I've got a kid this age, I'm in this area, whatever.
(30:57):
And I've see, I see a lot of negative comments on posts that
are in these kind of groups. Never do I see a negative
comment on a post like this because there's something about
being vulnerable. Like we shared earlier, sharing
your struggle or your vulnerability in a healthy way,
a constructive way, not in a toxic way, opens it up for other
people. And so being being honest, I
(31:19):
mean, like, hey, I've, I've beentrying to find some friends.
Do you want to have a coffee? It's really interesting.
Like I really think men, we can learn a lot from women in this
space. There's this level of
vulnerability and that that wordcan be so daunting for a lot of
men being vulnerable because ourguards are up all the time.
We need to be that tough guy. Now we've got it all together,
but the reality is we don't. So we're not kidding anyone.
(31:40):
Like no one has it all together,but we have to pretend.
We feel like we have to pretend to have it all together.
But I just love it. And that's exactly where my mate
Aaron reached out and and asked me to go on a mandate was
because you he's like, women do it all the time.
Like we see it and it's just, I don't know if it's bravery, I
don't know if it's safety been. Raised in a culture that allows,
(32:01):
Yeah, men, like we've talked about in a lot of different
ways, men haven't necessarily seen that for a long history,
Yeah. That kind of more vulnerable
emotional connection in friendship and that sort of
thing. So it's a new culture.
Yeah. And so now what I do too is
like, so I've been meeting some more guys just from from church
really. And like, I'm not necessarily
(32:22):
going on a man dates, like a dinner or whatever else, but for
me, I'm like, all right, cool, You want to grab a coffee and
get our steps up, you know, go for a walk.
So it's something active. So I want to get my steps up.
Most of the time they do too. It's like sick.
Let's go do that. You know, it's that activity,
you know, that's doesn't have tobe anything crazy.
It's like, hey, you want to catch up for a coffee, go for a
walk, get our steps up. It gives a task and then you
(32:44):
just chat and it's just super chill.
Yeah. Yeah, low risk, yeah.
Yeah. Well, following really closely
on to that, the last point here is to build shared circles.
So if especially when one of youis struggling more than others,
and this is kind of for the mostpart what we did for the first
few years of being up here, you build shared circles for you
both to connect with other people.
So invite neighbours for a casual meal or join or attend
(33:07):
something together like a community.
So church, really perfect example of this.
You could probably find similar in sports clubs or parenting
groups. Like you said, dads and moms
groups or parenting groups, different kind of communities
like that are really helpful because you already have a point
of connection, the point of something similar.
And even better when you can do it together.
So not one of you having to go out there, especially if you've
(33:30):
got some social anxiety on theirown going together is really
helpful. And actually, when we had Kate
and Tom on the podcast a few weeks ago talking about dad's
group, they said this is how dad's group started.
Kate was already in a mum's group and they just got the dads
of that mum's group together andbuilt that community, so there's
something beautiful in that. Something that they do now too
(33:50):
though is they signed up becausethey moved after they started
those those groups and stuff. But what they started to do to
get to know their neighbours, they did, they did like
Wednesday Chip Day or whatever. This is all their neighbours
just go get hot chips and they just have hot chips in the
street and it's just like every Wednesday night.
It's just hot chips. It's not expensive.
Hot chips are not expensive and everyone loves hot chips and
(34:11):
it's just like that's it. When you've got food involved,
it's so nice, it's so much better, it's so much easier.
Yeah, exactly. So like food, man, it's just
such a great way to do. That it's an icebreaker and it's
a time restraint. So you're not just like, open
ended, oh, you're at my house for the whole day.
Yeah, you're like, we're gonna eat chips and probably we'll
chat for a bit. And then once that's done,
(34:32):
there's no expectation of it to get longer.
Yeah. Absolutely, yeah.
And that's one of the last points we've got here too, is
low effort, regular rhythms thatyou can implement that help you
as a family connect with other people.
So that Wednesday chip day, Saturday morning sports, like if
you have families you connect with where your kids are doing
sports, bring coffee for a few people and just build that out
when you're there. Or Sunday family lunch if you're
(34:54):
at church or something like that.
Have invite a different family after church.
Or if your building actually allows, like what we used to do
at our old church was all the families would stick around
after the service and just bringtheir lunch there.
And they just had a big family lunch.
And the family's become really good friends.
Like they got really close. Like their kids got close that
(35:15):
the parents got close as friendsand stuff because they just had
that time together. It was low effort.
It was just hanging out. Low maintenance, like if you
can't make it one week, you can't make it, Yeah.
Exactly. Absolutely.
I encourage you too though. If you're not in a community
like this and you're looking forone, I want to encourage you to
find a healthy 1 and it's reallyimportant.
Yeah, absolutely. So that's how you can start to
(35:37):
build strong relationships within your marriage, strong
relationships with external people and just little steps at
a time. This can feel daunting.
It might be easy to hear this and be like, look at where we're
at, we're doomed. We got to change everything.
That's never a helpful way of navigating change.
And listen to our episode about actually sticking to goals
because that has this all brokendown.
(35:58):
But no, that's not a healthy wayof navigating change.
Just break it down to one small thing you can do today, one
small adjustment you can do today, one attitude adjustment,
one internal thing or one external thing.
And that will help steer your ship towards what you're working
towards in five years time, 10 years time, just making those
little incremental, but it's notoptional.
(36:19):
Having healthy relationships is not optional for a healthy life.
And I think that's a really important challenge for all of
us. So as a quick reality check
corner for this episode, just toask yourself and reflect on your
own things. What is something that you've
been saying it is what it is instead of rocking the boat?
(36:40):
What's something that you have seen pop up and you've wanted to
raise with your partner and you're just like, you can't be
bothered? Just ask yourself that.
Is there something sitting there?
If there's something that comes straight to mind, pay attention
to it might be important. And do you have people outside
your house who really know you and support you and
relationships that you're fostering?
This is not a question to make you feel bad about not having
(37:03):
those people. And we've navigated that as
well, especially with Blair's journey being like, I just don't
have anybody that fits this. It's not something to make you
feel bad. It's something to highlight and
maybe flag where you can put some more effort in and follow
some of these tips that we've given to bring intentional
connection outside of your family as well.
So something that I've been working on just with other stuff
(37:25):
in general is I'm really trying to have a attitude of gratitude.
And So what I'm actually doing at the moment is every single
day I've got a notes section in my phone and I'm writing down
one thing that I'm, I'm gratefulfor in this area because I've
found like if I only focus on the negative, I just keep
getting more and more and more negative.
(37:47):
So what I want to encourage you to do is start that journey
today. Open up the notes tab on your
phone, write down what's one thing that you're grateful for
in your relationship. And even if you're in a healthy
relationship, keep doing that. You know, it's not just for the
times when we're struggling, we want to just keep having that
attitude, keep rocking up with just thankfulness and gratitude
(38:08):
for the relationship that we have.
Also, what I want to encourage you to do is really challenge
yourself and have a look at yourself too, of how am I
talking about my spouse or my partner to the world, right?
So that is on social media. If that is just through the
friends that we have, how am I talking about that?
And if you find that it is becoming negative, what can you
(38:28):
do about that? How can you shift the, the
script of the way of, of your partner and the relationship
that you have, but also address that thing that you're actually
discussing with other people with your partner.
So thank you so much guys for tuning in.
I really hope this was helpful. I love this study going through
that. It's just really confirming what
we're on about here at honey. We need to chat.
(38:50):
We love hearing from you guys. So please write in, let us know
what what challenged you in this, what was new to you.
Just share with us your journey and your stories.
Would love to hear that. Yeah.
And one of the things that you guys are growing in and working
on in your relationship. So thank you so much for tuning
in guys. We'll catch you next week.
Good chat.
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