Episode 45: When the Lights Go Out: Brian Bonds on Burnout, Sobriety, and Survival

Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Welcome to Brolabs, the fisting podcast that goes deep explore
my life, views and raw, unfiltered conversations with
the creators that are redefiningkink connection in the fisting
community. Hey you guys, welcome back.
We're here for another episode of Brolabs and I'm really
excited about today's guest. He's somebody that I have looked
up to in the industry and been afan of for as long as I can
really remember. Brian Bonds is on Brolabs today,

(00:22):
episode 45. Welcome to the show.
Hey, thank you. Glad to be here.
Super excited to talk to you. I mean, like we've, this is,
this is our second take because the last time we tried to film
this last week and we had a couple of technological hiccups.
And so I was telling you last time that I remember just having
the biggest crush on you when I first got in the industry early
because we've been in the, how long have you been in port now?
2 decades, right? 14 years.

(00:46):
Yeah, it's a long time. And so and I remember in early
years when I first saw you because you were one of the only
younger people doing fisting at the time too.
And so that was. I remember like the first time I
I had gotten fisted, the first time I did it on camera, I
wasn't even able to get the whole fist in.
And then like eventually, my first full fist on camera was
actually Derek Parker do. You remember him?

(01:07):
Oh, I did a scene with him, Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he had like these big meaty
hands and I was just getting into fisting that we it took at
least like maybe 45 minutes to an hour in the bathroom just to.
Get me? Yeah, just even we opened up and
then whenever we actually did goto start getting it on camera,
like he would get it in and they'd be like, OK, get a few

(01:28):
pumps out because, you know, I was, you know, still just
getting into it. And then they just bust my hole
open like a fucking Wrecking Ball.
It's the magic of porn is that people have no idea what goes on
behind the scenes that we're fisting in the bathroom to get
warmed up and before before an actual shoot happens.
It's it's crazy, but nobody seesthat.
They just see the final product and I think, oh, it's so hot.

(01:49):
And then they, you know, that it's what you're describing.
You know what I mean? It's crazy.
Yeah. That's the porn industry for
you. And so and Speaking of the porn
industry, it is, it does have a tendency to chew us up.
And so the guys that the guys that are in the industry, I
mean, a lot of us suffer with burnout and mental health
issues. And so I wanted to talk to you
today because you have been pretty open recently about some

(02:10):
mental health struggles that you've been going through with
in relation to your time in the adult industry.
And so I was just curious, how are you doing?
You know, right now I'm doing all right.
You know, today I'm good. Like, yeah, overall, like I've
been, like you said, I've been open about, you know, just kind
of, you know, struggling with burnout and, you know, just like

(02:32):
feeling like I'm always needing to take a break.
And I have been taking like a lot more breaks lately because I
feel like every time, you know, I say I want to take a break,
next thing you know, I probably get called back for something
and then, you know, my bank account says go do it because,
you know, I need money. And but yeah, overall, right

(02:55):
now, you know, I am kind of on alittle bit of a break at least
from being on camera because, you know, just, yeah, being in
porn and, you know, for so long,it it does kind of wear on you
because, I mean, we're really we're like having to put our
most raw self out there. You know, we're literally having

(03:16):
sex on camera. And, you know, to a lot of
people, depending on who you ask, like, sex is sacred.
And, you know, you have to, you know, really get, you know.
Done. Yeah, turned on.
And sometimes even whenever you don't, even whenever you,
whenever you don't even want to have sex.
Like, there could be something going on in your life and you
just, you know, you have to, youknow, learn to turn it on.

(03:39):
I, I felt really bad the other day.
I mean, like, I'm not, I'm not one to cancel shoots very often,
but like I got home from Fisfestand this past weekend and I had
somehow for some reason scheduled to shoot for the night
that I got back from the event, which was just so stupid because
I should have known better. I should know, I would be tired,
I'd be worn out. And so like, and I and I, I left
my sleeping meds on at TSA the night before.

(04:01):
So it's like I didn't have, I didn't get a good night's sleep
and like, I just felt like shit.And so the whole day I'm like
trying to psych myself up. I'm like, Ryan, you've got the
scene, you've got the scene. You've got to do it.
You've got to do it, you've got to do it.
And then finally it got to be like an hour before and I was
just, you're torturing yourself.You're literally torturing
yourself. You don't want to do it.
It's going to suck. If you go through with it,
you're going to put out a piece of shit product.
Like just tell him the truth. And so I texted him like,

(04:22):
listen, dude, I'm in a really bad space and I wish I could
turn on right now. But for me, I, I, that's one
thing. I, I, if you're able to turn it
on when you have to, kudos to you because I can't do it.
I look so fake when I'm faking it.
If I'm faking having a good time, you can see it all over my
face and my fans know what I, what I look like when I'm faking
it. So I had to cancel on this poor
guy. And he was totally cool.
He's totally understanding. But it was kind of, you know, I

(04:43):
should have, I shouldn't have done that.
I shouldn't have booked the the scene that's so close to the
event, but it is what it is. But hey, at least he was
understanding about it. Yeah, cuz I see there's some
some content creators go crazy on the Internet.
Yeah, they do. Like some of them will freak out
and like, go and start trashing us just because, you know, it's
like he cancelled on me at the last minute and, oh, man, I've
been cancelled on at the last minute a couple times before.

(05:06):
And, you know, one time I reallydid kind of lose it.
But I mean, that was the whole situation, which we can get into
a little bit later. Yeah.
Overall, you know, right now I'mdoing what I can to take care of
myself and just getting my, you know, just getting back to
feeling regular, feeling healthyagain, so mentally especially.
That's really super important. And I think that mental health

(05:27):
in porn is not something that's talked about very often because
people just look at us as sex symbols and sex symbols aren't
supposed to have feelings. And so, you know, but The thing
is, is that we're all fucking actually real people behind the
the personas that we put on the Internet.
And so we're all dealing with real life shit.
We all deal with the same shit that everybody else deals with
and they just don't really understand how it.
To have to separate that from your performer side is is often

(05:49):
times like really hard, especially when we're doing this
full time when it's your only job, when sex work is like your
gig, it's really hard to keep your emotions and like what's
going on in your real life. Like apart from your porn
persona you have sex worker personas?
Yeah. I mean, there, there are some
ways that, you know, as long as you're like a good actor, you
know, in your face, you know, there's a little things that we
can do such as, you know, a little shot in the Dick, then

(06:12):
yeah, keep it up. And then you just have to worry
about everything else, you know,looking like, you know, you got
to be able to lie to the camera.You got to be able to, but I
suck at it. Ever since I was literally 10
years old on my first set of grunts, I was a terrible actor.
I couldn't act. I couldn't act for a single
scene. And then over the years it's
just I, I personally just can't fake it.
People know that they'll write and be like, you weren't having

(06:33):
a good time at the scene, were you?
And I'm like, what the fuck? How do you know?
It's so I have tells that basically are giving away.
The fans know us. That's absolutely true.
So you've been in the industry for over a decade, like you
said, in years. So what's changed the most about
how you take care of your mentalhealth since you started it?
Was mental health, something that you considered in the
beginning, is an important issue.

(06:54):
Well, in the beginning, no, because, you know, I'm just
young and excited about everything and you know it, you
know, and everything is going good.
Especially like, you know, when you're on the rise and
everything and you're just up and coming, You know, you're
working for this studio, that studio.
And now, you know, porn is a completely different game than
it used to be. You know, studios used to be the

(07:15):
only thing that that there were.And it's all people really
strive to be. But now with content creation,
you know, you can literally do anything you want.
You can just, like, hide your face and be nothing but a torso.
Yeah. And.
And still get famous. Still get famous yes, as long as
you got like a good body and a giant Dick or at least just you
know, a good chiseled body that yeah, it's like you don't have

(07:36):
to show your face. You know, everyone could just
look at your big swing a Dick and then just be let you know
and get off and and then those subscribe to your fans content.
Meanwhile, meanwhile, I have to push out 2 feet of my butt hole
to get noticed and so it's like totally unfair.
Hey I like it that you can push 2 feet.
Of your butt hole out. It's great.
See I see guys that are just famous for taking showers or
something or they are just eating you dude.

(08:00):
So unfair. And like, I don't know if you've
ever, like worked with one of these companies that, you know,
tells you to, you know, gives you like, this list of little
bits of content for you to do. But yeah, like doing shower
stuff and just like selling these little shower clips sent.
And like, as soon as I look at that list, as soon as I look and
see what they want from me, I'm just like, I want to do this,

(08:26):
you know, Shower time is my time.
That's that's my personal time. I sing in the shower for fucks.
Yeah, man, no, it's I've never actually ever done brand promo
like that. I've done a couple of brand
promos for Mr. Bees or MunicipalRubber, but never one where they
give me a little. Actually, that's not true.
Mr. Bees gave me a list of things I needed to do too.
But it was all fun stuff. It wasn't stuff I was mad about.

(08:47):
There's no it was just pose witha dildo, pose with a shirt, pose
with a cockering. I'm like, Oh yeah.
Something like that, you know, it's easy to do.
Like if you want me to, you know, like if somebody sends me
a product and, you know, they want me to take a little picture
with it or if it's like a dildo or something, you know, I'll,
you know, do a little thing or what It was a friend of Dorothy
or something. Yeah.

(09:08):
You remember those that, you know, singing like these pills
that's just say hard on there. Yeah.
Or these pills that say come on there.
I still have mine because I haven't hardly used them.
We're brand spokespeople, but then they just end up in the
corner of our drawers. So mental health wasn't
necessarily something that you were thinking about in the
beginning because you are so excited.
And I remember the same thing. If you would have told me in the

(09:30):
beginning the kind of repercussions that porn would
have in my life later on, I would never have.
I was expecting it was like, it'll be hard for me to get a
job one day. It'll be hard for me to get some
jobs. I will never be president or
whatever. But if you would have told me
that it would cause future boyfriends to not trust me just
because I did porn, which is something that I've helped, I've
had to deal with many times justbecause I've done porn.

(09:50):
It's like that affects your mental health.
And so I would never have anticipated those types of
things happening. And I don't think that a lot of
content creators today are necessarily forward thinking
about what it's going to do to their their mental health or
their psyche over time. They're just, they're so excited
by the money and the attention. And then, you know, there's a,
there's a lot of dark stuff thatkind of can come with sex work.
So you mentioned that you were forcing yourself to perform

(10:12):
sexually even when you didn't want to.
What kind of toll does that take?
God, like there are going to be so many different types of
scenarios that this brings up there.
There have been times when, you know, I've had to come to set
and like I'm on the verge of a breakup or if I'm doing like sex
work. And, you know, for for example,
like one time I went out to Spain with a client and like mid

(10:33):
air, you know, I learned that mygrandmother had passed and like
trying to, you know, be on for this client that, you know, I
just did not want to be there, you know, and even though I had
already had kind of a last moment with my grandmother and
she said, you know, I I still want you to go.

(10:54):
I want you to go have a good time.
You know, don't worry about me. You know, so I was, I was really
close with her. And, you know, she died whenever
I was on the plane out to Spain.And I just, you know, I was just
like, distraught. Well, not just like, not
completely distraught, but you could just tell that I was shut
down. Yeah.
And, you know, and I felt reallybad because, you know, I'm just

(11:18):
thinking of everything else but this guy and then the.
Guilt brushes over you, the guilt of the fact that this
guy's paying for you and like you're like not present.
And then you feel, and it's justa shame spiral.
It's like so I know I've been there.
Yeah, there. And there's that and you know,
I've been kind of open about like, you know, substance abuse

(11:41):
in the past. And so I, you know, that there
have been times when, you know, I probably had a little slip
before going, going into on to set.
And, you know, even those times,you know, and then I get I get
to set and I'm just like, you know, thinking, you know, shit,
can they tell, you know, how am I performing?

(12:02):
You know, and now it's like whenever I go back and look at
some of the pictures, and I don't know if anybody, your
audience is now going to go backand look at some of these
pictures and be like, let me look at his eyes.
This is why this is the this is the visual.
This is the visual component that the bonus.
You guys are going to listen to this, but Brian just got real
close to the camera. So I don't know.
I similarly, I I did a video called rear deliveries for

(12:23):
raging stallion and I'll just name drop, but it was like I was
coming off of like the worst Bender ever and I was like bone
thin. And so I did this this scene for
reaching stallion. It was I look at those pictures
and I'm like, who the fuck let me on that set?
Who the fuck let me perform likethat?
Because I was emaciated. I looked like a skeleton.
I was so out of so just not present and I was like, I get

(12:44):
the dead in the eyes. So embarrassing.
That's part of about your work, but.
Yeah, and partially, you know, in that type of incense, you
know, if I was coming off of a Bender, like, I would do
everything that I could to like,you know, maybe still tap into
the little bit of residual drugsthat was still in my system and
rely on that to push me through the scene.

(13:05):
But by the time it came to come shots, I was like about to die.
Yeah. But, you know, I I still, you
know, pushed it through everyonestill got paid.
So. And, and I mean, there, there
have been times, or you know, one in particular time that I'm
thinking about, you know, by thetime we got done, you know, I
was just like, look, y'all, I'm really sorry.
But I, you know, I, I went on ahead and just like admitted

(13:28):
what, what was going on because,you know, I'm too honest.
My guilt gets the best of me andI'm just like, look, I'm really
sorry. But you know, this is what
happened. And I'm sorry for the way that
this affected the shoot. And they're all, you know, I'm,
I'm sure pretty annoyed. But, you know, at the same time,
they were still understanding, and they were just at least glad
that I was able to still performenough to be able to make sure
that we didn't waste the day. Yeah.

(13:49):
And that's, to me, the only goodthing that really came out of
that day. You've been doing production now
behind the scenes. Is that something that you had
to deal with on the other end ofit at all ever since you've been
doing production stuff? Well, I mean there definitely
been a few models where I won't I won't name drop.
Anybody names donate names? Yeah, I won't name anybody, but

(14:11):
there was one time even within this past year that we had this
one model in and my second camera person, it was just me
and one other person that was onthe crew and we were doing
everything. I was doing the photos, I was
having to set up the lights, notonly photo, but video lights and
everything. And, you know, along with all
the other, you know, craziness that comes with directing, you
know, he comes up to me. He's like, I don't think we can

(14:33):
use this guy. He's just like so erratic, so
all over the place. Look, seems like he's just
tweaking out. Yeah.
And you know, and then I go in to talk with him and I'm just
like, are you, are you feeling OK?
It's like I'm not going to, you know, I'm not going to lie to
you just because I've been in this position before.
You seem like you're a little bit 3 right now.
And, you know, I never want to say anything like that because I

(14:56):
don't want to get the model to get in their head because
that'll, you know, probably cause them to shut down.
And, you know, nobody likes to be called out on that.
But whenever we're, you know, spending at least like a good 30
minutes to an hour, you know, between me and my Co worker
asking, you know, asking is like, should we even use this
guy? I mean, none of us wanted to
call the scene. I mean, you know, we brought
the, you know, had this guy drive in or I don't know how we

(15:19):
got to Palm Springs, but you know, just being on the other
side. And, and whenever that happens,
it's like, you know, I have a lot of empathy for that model.
And so I'm, you know, I'm still just like, Are you sure you want
to go through with this? Because right now, I mean a like
if you are on something, then wekind of understand you're going

(15:40):
to be lying to the camera when we're holding, you know, holding
up our phone, doing our compliance thing.
Because there is a question, oneparticular question, are you one
of the influence of any drugs orhave you been drinking alcohol
today? And they have to look at the
camera and say no. Then, you know, it's like we're
accepting the liability. You guys record the consent
agreements now? Is that something that they they

(16:01):
recorded the consent? Wow, it's so interesting.
That's not that's not something that I raging Sally never did
that back in the day, but I guess it makes sense why they
need to do it today like. Yeah.
Well, because I mean, now, you know, I guess there have been
times, you know, before I was directing or doing anything
behind actually holding the camera.
I guess there have been sometimes where, you know, some

(16:21):
models have changed their mind and they don't want that out
there. And I think I was told this one
story where this guys dad was even calling and, you know,
threatening legal action and then say, yeah, and then saying,
you know, well, he was under theinfluence.
You know, he, he was drugs like,no, we have it here on camera

(16:43):
that he says that he is perfectly sober.
So, you know, that's for our protection.
Yeah, I've had one model, he whoshould not be named, one model
that I never got a consent form for that I filmed a shit load of
scenes with and then turned around and was like, I never
consented. And I'm like, you dumb fucker,
as you're sitting there taking loads in the face, smiling at

(17:03):
the camera, you never fucking consented.
Whatever. Yeah, but he sent seasons of
fist letters to to all of the fan content platforms, only
fans, Jasper fans, Pornhub, manyvids.
And so I had to spend my birthday in Barcelona taking
down literally 100 videos from four or five different
platforms, one at a time. I was like, I hate him, I hate
him. I had no leg to stand on because

(17:24):
I didn't have the consent agreement.
After that I went back and I bulletproofed everything that I
had ever filmed so it. Was and so that's why now most
studios, if not all of them at this point, you know, do that
video consents just so that you know, you can say it's like
you're here under your own free will.
No one's forcing you to be here.You're you know, you're not
inebriated of any kind. It's like you are agreeing to do

(17:46):
this right? So nobody can go back and say
it's like, well, no, I didn't consent to it.
It's like we have you on tape, bitch.
Yeah, exactly. But I'm such a, I'm such a
pushover, though. I've had a couple guys come to
me and be like, can you take it down?
And what I've tried to explain to people is that once it's on
the Internet, it's on the Internet forever.
It doesn't matter where we take it down.
I mean, there are services that that will go through and hunt

(18:09):
down. Anything that's pirated, they'll
go down and do that work for you.
But I mean, it's just such a pain in the ass, you know, to
have to do that. And I'm like, you know what, if
you wanna take it down that bad,then you go through that
process. You wanna know what I told this
last guy that I got into kind ofan argument with?
He was trying to get me to take down a video and it is my most
pirated video of all time. It's when I look at like I go to

(18:31):
gay torrents and I don't even I stopped bothering to even try.
But every time I see a copy, I do ask for take it out.
But I go to gay torrents. It's been downloaded 30 or
40,000 times, which means there's 40,000 free copies of
this video floating around on the Internet somewhere or more.
And so I said to him, I said, you realize, I said when you, if
you want me to take my source copy down, only person that that
affects is me. It doesn't affect anybody else

(18:52):
because there's all these copies.
And I also won't help you track it down to remove it anymore.
I won't. There's no reason for me.
There's no stake in it for me anymore to try to get copies of
it taken down because there's, there's so many, you know, if
I'm not, if I don't have the source copy anymore, then what's
the point? And he like he didn't understand
that he was really cranky about that.
But so have you ever felt like the industry rewards you when

(19:12):
you're kind of, this is kind of maybe a tough question because I
know that in my experience, I film 99% of my videos as close
to being sober as possible. And that 1% of videos that I
film or choose to release that weren't necessarily exactly
videos that I was planning on putting out.
They were just for the moment, whatever.
And I was fucked up in them those videos for whatever

(19:35):
reason, and I've never really admitted this publicly, but
those videos always perform better for some reason.
It's like they, I mean, like if you think about, you know,
people who consume our videos, there's probably a lot of
search, you know, for like, you know, videos of people fucked
up. They're like, hell, even I've
looked up, you know, video like PMP videos, sure, you know, and

(19:58):
and so like whenever, if you're if that video fits into that
category, yeah, then you know, people are going to.
I don't mark them that way. I don't market them as like.
Market them that way, but I meanagain, like if they get stolen
and if somebody can tell, then that's how they're going to
market them yeah. You know, whether you have
something on camera or not, whether you're actually, you
know, doing drugs on camera or not, you know like people are

(20:20):
still going to find it and if they download it and you know,
put it on whatever pirating website, then you know it's
going to be found like whether it's on xhamster, Youporn, you
know, hey torrents, any of those.
So it's going to be found somewhere, so it's advertised in
a way that you don't want it to be.
Right, And so I, I've, I've justnoticed that the watch time on

(20:42):
the videos on my website, those videos is always significantly
higher and I'm like, fuck. So it's a weird feeling.
It's a weird feeling because it's it feels it almost is this
dark incentive to perform more fucked up because those videos
are going to do better and make me more money.
But then OK, so but but I also don't want to be fucked up on
camera. I don't want to.
I don't want that. So have you ever felt the

(21:03):
industry rewards you when you'releast connected to yourself kind
of in any similar way to that? You know, I feel personally, the
more we put on a facade, the more, you know, the faker we
are, the more the industry, you know, rewards us.
Yeah. You know, the bigger persona
that we are like, you know, I'veseen people who've got like in
public, they put on this big personality, they put on, you

(21:27):
know, this big ass show. And, you know, that's kind of
what gets rewarded. And, you know, I, I didn't even
think of it the way that, you know, you the way that you just
put it. It's like, yeah, you know,
people like to see us in ways that we may not particularly
like to be seen. Yeah, because I think it's
because, you know, in that sense, it's a lot more raw.

(21:48):
It's a lot more real and almost relatable to a lot of people who
actually consume more porn because, I mean, during vendors
or something like that, we're just a constant.
I know I would constantly just have porn playing all the
fucking time. Yeah.
Whether it's on our TV or if it's on my phone, then you know,
I'm just like constantly like gone and looking at it.

(22:11):
So funny, all of our our bad behavior all kind of like nerves
each other a little bit to a degree.
Yeah, it's kind of sad that, yeah, it that's sort of, you
know, the type of behavior that gets, you know, looked at the
most that, you know, turns people on the most because it's
almost like it's so taboo and that's, you know, and that taboo

(22:31):
type of porn that people really like to watch.
Anything that's. Yeah, yeah, it's very much a
guilty pleasure. So you look great by the way,
you look super healthy, healthy and happy.
You look happy right now, so. Your sobriety looks good on me,
doesn't. It sobriety does look good on
you. You do you look great.
It's it's really cool to see you.

(22:52):
You know, you always look great,but it's cool to see you looking
so like happy and I just you've seen you're in a better place
than even when we talked the last time, maybe a little bit.
Yeah, for sure. You know, I am like I'm coming
up. I think Sunday will be like, you
know, yeah, the Sony I think would be like without drinking
or or anything at all, like, because I mean, help.

(23:15):
My nickname was Stony Pop. I was a notorious Stoner.
Everyone fucking you're not. Fucking weed anymore either,
huh? You're not smoking weed anymore
either. I'm not smoking weed, I'm not
drinking, I'm not doing shit. Good for you dude.
Like that's amazing. I mean, mostly because I'm sort
of afraid that I'm going to faila drug test, you know, in case
one kind of randomly pops up. So yeah, I'm just making sure

(23:38):
that, you know, I'm all good on that, on that end because.
It's for you. Dude last thing I need is
insurance to to get caught with that.
You know, during fuck it, I'm just going ahead and say I, I am
an outpatient rehab just to, youknow, really get pump the brakes
on things and I've got to, you know, just make sure that I'm

(23:59):
good. But also I, I'm sort of ready to
see what, how my body of mind orall going to repair itself by
taking at least like 3 months off, maybe even six months off.
One of the counsellors said that, you know, it takes about
six months for your butt, for your brain to like fully reset
itself after you, you remove anyand all my alternate substances,

(24:20):
you know, including alcohol and weeds.
I'm just like, OK, let you know,let me see you know, I want to
see what 6 months of sobriety isyour.
First time doing that. Yes.
So I've never done rehab before.Like I've done meetings plenty
of times, but you know, meetingsjust don't really sit too well

(24:40):
with me. You know, I kind of prefer what
I'm doing now because if it was more like a classroom discussion
and if I feel like, you know, wecan all, you know, have a
subject and we can just, you know, talk it all out sometimes,
you know, we, so we might sort of chime in on something, but,
you know, we'll go around like the group and everybody and
everything and we'll, you know, discuss certain things, I guess.

(25:01):
Share. Yeah.
And, you know, some people mightactually, you know, in meetings
they're like, please, no crosstalk, please no commenting
on any other people's. But sometimes, you know, we
might need a little, you know, other different perspectives.
And we don't feel like waiting until the last minute because
once the meeting is out, you know, once like an NA meeting is
out, you know, we want to just get the fuck out of there.
I I at least wanted to get the fuck out of there.

(25:22):
I never understood why people would hang out afterwards.
I'm going home, bye. You know, and you know, weed
wasn't ever really my, my problem drug.
And so I, I would leave like an NA meeting and I'd go get stoned
off my ass. I mean, I know that's very
counterproductive, but I mean, at least I didn't go, at least I
didn't go to a meeting and go hit a math pipe or something
like. That, yeah, exactly, which is

(25:44):
unfortunately things that I usedto do when I was first going to
CMA meetings. I would leave and go get higher.
Like I'd be at a meeting knowingthat I'd be going to get higher
for the dealer afterwards. I wanted to say this is sort of
a funny story, Speaking of you being a forest owner.
I'm going to tell it really quickly, a really quick
anecdote. So we were.
There was a really Hot video, a group scene that was filmed at
your house in Vegas that when wewere there, and I was supposed

(26:05):
to be part of that. Do you remember how fucking
stoned you got me? I was.
I'm such a good influence. Holy shit.
I'm such an awesome influence. I should have known better
because I was, I'm not a I'm nota Stoner.
I'm not, I don't smoke weed veryoften and I took 2 bong ribs
with you and I stood in the bathroom and I remember I was,
what am I supposed to be doing in here?

(26:26):
I'm supposed to what? I'm like, Oh, that's right.
Cleaning out. How does like, how do I clean
out again? I'm like, I'm like, do I put the
water in? So I was having this like whole
fucking dialogue with myself stoned out of my brain in your
bathroom. And then I remember coming out
and being like, Brian, I can't do this scene.
I'm like, that's like, I was like, I can't do it.
I'm way too high to fucking function.
I'm like. You know, and I think I was
probably just like here, just like, sit down maybe.

(26:47):
You were. You were so good.
Munchies have have something to drink and just kind of give it a
few minutes to to calm down a little bit and by the time that
everybody else got there, you know it, it would be fine.
But I was like, no, girl, I got to get out of here before
anybody else gets here. I'm like, I can't see nobody
like this. Like it's like I can't be around
other humans. And I remember, I'll never

(27:08):
forget. Then I went from there to the IT
was at the Just for Fans conference.
And so I remember going straightfrom your place to the hotel.
And I was like sunglasses, like I don't want to talk to anybody.
I remember I called my mom because my mom was a big star is
a big Stoner. I called her and I was like, how
do you fucking do this drug every day?
That's the worst drug of life. And then I got and then I went

(27:28):
to I went to the hotel and I'm like, just put your head down.
Don't look at anybody. Just get in your room and sleep
it off. And who do I know?
I'm and Nick Ford is standing right outside the hotel.
He's like, Hey, you're. Hungry up and.
I'm like kill me now so I. Know I don't know if you ever.
Knew all the rest of that story,but it's, that was a really,
it's, I look back retrospectively at it now as a
really funny experience because it's like, I should have just

(27:50):
known better. It's like, yeah, it's, it's
that's awesome that you're able to like that.
You've been like 3 weeks over. That's really, really impressive
and an amazing accomplishment. And some things are a lot easier
to to turn down because I mean, like, you know, there have been
plenty of times even before I decided to do this that, you
know, if, you know, if I don't feel like smoking that time, you

(28:12):
know, I won't do it. You know, if I don't feel like
drinking or, you know, doing a bump of this or that, then, you
know, it's, it's usually pretty easy.
But you know, it's just that onein particular thing.
If it's around and if I'm alone,if I'm alone with it or if it's
just me and the person who has it, person or persons who have

(28:33):
it, yeah, then that's the yeah, that's basically just being in
the lions den. So yeah, I definitely have been
learning a lot of self-control by by doing this.
I'm literally taking notes from you for my own, my own bad
habits. So when you're deep in burnout
or depression, what's something that helps you feel alive again?

(28:56):
What's something that makes you feel better about life in
general when you're when you're kind of stuck in that burnout or
depression phase? I guess, you know, one of the
last things I want to do in thattype of thing is going, you
know, and fuck a bunch. I mean, sex is like the last
thing that that's on my mind. You know, I would much rather,
you know, watch something that you know, makes me feel good.

(29:16):
Or, you know, sometimes I might just, you know, eat my feelings
for a little bit. Wait, wait, wait.
Brian. Brian Bonds, are you telling
that you're a normal person? Believe it or not, I'm not a
machine. I'm, I'm, I'm not, I'm not a
fuckingator. So wow, you know, I, I have to,
you know, just like, you know, chill.
Maybe I'll start rewatching something.

(29:38):
One of my favorite shows that I like to go to if I'm like
feeling down or, or if I'm coming down off of a relapse or
something like that, I'll watch Once Upon a Time.
OK Yeah. See season 1, maybe 2 of Once
Upon a Time. And you know, that just kind of
sort of, you know, everybody, like, you know, well, not
everybody, but I mean, for me, Ilike, I like the fairy tales

(30:01):
and, you know, I'll just kind oftake myself back to sort of a,
you know, something that made mefeel good as a child, even
though Once Upon a Time came, you know, came way after I was
an adult. But, you know, just taking me,
yeah, taking me back to something that just sort of
makes me feel good, something that gives me the feels or, you
know, like I said, I'll eat and then just pass out.

(30:22):
And then hopefully, you know, the next day I'll, I'll just,
you know, wake up and feel a little better.
You know, maybe sometimes I'll talk, I'll talk about it with
somebody or, you know, if I haveto work the next day and, you
know, like behind camera, not not necessarily the sex part of
the work, you know, and especially if it's, you know,

(30:45):
photography, if I'm being a photographer for the day, then,
you know, typically that'll put me in a good mood.
Like, because you know, wheneverI take a really good picture in
which I have a lot, a lot, I've had a lot of really good
pictures. But but yeah, whenever I know
that I've taken, you know, just like some really badass photos
that look like they're Photoshopped just by taking them
on the camera, then, you know, that kind of, you know, lifts me

(31:07):
up a bit. And you know, now being out here
in the Palm Springs and being one of Falcons photographers,
you know, because I shoot for three different websites.
I shoot for club inferno, dungeon fisting central and
fetish forest. So and I love doing that type of
shoots because you know, it's always like I get to work in my
shadows. I get to make things look Moody

(31:28):
and nice. And but where I'm going with
that is I do have access to the studio out here.
So sometimes I might take a friend and we'll just go do a
photo shoot somewhere either at the studio because, you know, we
have like this big white wall area that can, you know, make
anything look like anything thatI want there and we can just
play around with that. That really kind of brightens my

(31:48):
day up, especially whenever, youknow, I take it.
I'm like, holy shit. And that really makes me feel
good. When you make something
creative, when you can express yourself creatively and do
something really cool that you're excited to show other
people, you get like the same rush of endorphins and
excitement that you probably getfrom that.
You know, our brain is it's not the same, but it's like it's a
close enough kind of like high that it's like I know that I

(32:10):
really to you 1000% like a WandaVision is my show that I go back
and watch I. Like Wanda Vision.
That's the season finale is always the one that is when I'm
coming down or if I need to let reality check, I watch the
season finale. Wanda Vision always.
I've seen it 1000 times. And then as far as when I, when
I create, say I film a really good episode of the show or I
film a really cool, you know, it's sort of, you know, maybe

(32:31):
not the same because it's when Ifilm something really cool, as
you know, because I've, I've notstepped behind the camera yet
and sold in front of the camera.When I film something really
cool, I get so amped up excited to show it to people.
I'm just like, this is amazing. Oh my God, I can't wait be able
to see this. So it's I get it.
It's like, that's totally that draws me out of whatever bad
feelings I've been having, you know, I've been having too.
Yeah, and especially for me, like whenever I'm just doing

(32:53):
like, like my own freelance photography and I don't have to
go through like the checklist ofphotos that that have to do is
like, all right, now let's get full body, let's get standing,
let's get this, let's get that. You know, whenever I can just do
it how I want, then, you know, you know, I just get like this
good overwhelming sense of endorphins, a pride that just

(33:15):
like, you know, bring me out of whatever it is because I know I
have a very bad case of impostersyndrome And that, you know, you
know, just kind of make me feel like, you know, nothing that I
do is really all that good when in reality, you know that.
You are really good. Whenever, yeah, whenever I show,
you know, show or post somethingthat I do, you know, and

(33:35):
everyone's complimenting, you know, you know, sometimes I just
kind of had to step back and be like, OK, if, if this many
people were saying that it's good, then OK.
Yeah, it's good. And maybe it is good.
Sometimes it is good to be, you know, to listen to other people
and take other people's opinionsabout, you know, things because,
you know, like I said, if enoughpeople are saying it, then it's

(33:56):
probably true. Yeah, exactly.
You are a fantastic photographer.
OK, so I want to switch gears just a little bit.
And since this is the Fisting podcast, you had reached out to
me recently about working with you when you start a new imprint
of whatever the fisting line that you was you were working
on. So you've shot some really high
end fisting content recently. What drew you to fisting as both
a performer or and a creator? What's your What's your origin

(34:16):
fisting origin story? My fisting origin story.
Well, the first time I saw like a fisting performer, I don't
know if you remember, I forgot what his last name was, but boy
House. Yeah, he he was the first one
that I saw and I would watch himon Cam 4 and I would just see

(34:38):
him take like these massive like14 inch dildos, like all the way
up there and put like, I don't know, pool balls up there along
with it. And I'm just like, yeah.
What? How is that?
How is this even possible? And then, you know, just like
seeing how much, you know, the whole can stretch.
Like I was very, very intrigued with it and, you know, I just

(34:59):
wanted to start doing that to myself and, you know, and then I
got like a a hand toy, you know,this really kind of hard rubber
hand toy. And I just started work working
on myself. And that's, you know, really
what got me into it. You know, it's just, you know,
seeing him and just seeing like what all he could do, it just

(35:19):
turned me on so much like seeingit go like basically all the way
up to his fucking, you know, heart.
Like I didn't understand how thebody did that.
But I mean that, you know, is really what got me into it as a
performer. And even though I've never been
anything more than what I call awrist or Fister, only being able
to go down to like. Dude, you just taught me

(35:39):
something new. I've never heard that phrase
before. Yeah, a wrist or Fister.
So somebody who can, you know, just take it down to the wrist,
maybe the upper forearm. But you know, I'm happy with
just being able to take that. And that's, you know, perfectly
fine with me. I mean, yes, I really wish that
I could stretch my inner holes and, you know, be like your

(35:59):
level, take it all the way to the shoulder.
So I, I've always have been viewed for that.
But yeah, but yeah, I then started, you know, I started
practicing and, you know, then it was a fisting performer and
exclusive fisting performer for Raging Stallion doing other
fisting central lines and, and all that.

(36:21):
And you know that that's kind ofhow I got into doing it, you
know, personally and on camera. And then because I was so
connected with that and so connected with, you know, that
community, I felt, you know, very comfortable whenever Trent
Ducati asked me to be the director for the fisting lines

(36:43):
for Excuse Me for Falcon, you know that.
Yeah. And I think doing those sites
and knowing what, you know, I could do and like all the
experience I've learned, you know, yeah.
One thing I meant to say was oneof the teachers that I had as a
photographer was Mr. Pam. And, you know, seeing all the,

(37:06):
you know, the ways that she shot, seeing like how she worked
with her shadows and making everything Moody and dark.
That's how I you know that that's the type of style that I
really like and you can see thatin my photography.
If you look at her pictures and you look at my pictures, there's
a lot of similarities. And so I wanted to keep that
going, keep that style going with the photography and

(37:29):
videography that did as as the fisting director, because you
know, I'm sorry, but fisting is fisting and fetishes is not
something that needs to be overlit and over bright and
stuff like that. You know it.
You know it's a dark act. It's dirty.
You know it, it's. Yeah, you're speaking to the guy
that likes his videos in pink and pink and only pink.

(37:51):
So, but I get it. I get it.
There's an aesthetic that's that's kind of rooted, I think
in like fisting, I feel has always sort of been rooted in
this dark kind of dark blacks and Reds and stuff like that.
Exactly. And hell, if I, if we can ever
have you on camera, then I will definitely work pink into the
photos. It will, you know.
Yeah. Yeah, we'll light everything in

(38:12):
pink. One day, well, one day, I don't
know. You knew you knew I had an
accident, right? Like my.
Yeah. So it's like one day, like when
I get my reversal surgery and like, have my body back to like
what it was. I, I don't remember what came
up, but I mean, this was part ofit.
But it's like you had asked me to be part of the line and I I
was so apprehensive because it's.
So I haven't done studio work and 10 years and so I was just

(38:33):
nervous. But the way you told me, like I
remember you pitching it to me and talking about how you wanted
to keep it authentic and you wanted to keep it real.
And I was like, all right, look,I would totally do this.
And then I got fucking poked a hole through my guts.
I just got to get back in. It's crazy.
Like what did what they I had hernia from the surgery, but
it's basically it's like they where they cut my abs prepare

(38:54):
me. Basically I got a hernia from
that. So I can't even go to the gym.
I can't do nothing until I get my my reversal surgery.
So I've just I'm like, I've got like I look OK from the chest up
and then I'm in latex suits whenI'm filming now I'm like fucking
it all in. So once I once I get my body
back and everything, I'll I'll definitely.
Whenever you are ready, I am still like the scene idea that I
pitched to you. I still haven't done it and I

(39:17):
I'm saving that for you because I, I think, you know, it's going
to be you know, it's going to beepic like I'm I'm saving that
idea for you. I'll feel comfortable.
It'll have to be a Halloween movie, but you know, that's
cool. It'll.
That's cool. We'll still be good.
Might have a little bit of demonology in.
Oh yeah, you know, that's why I was smoked.
So that's why I was like, yes, I'll do it.

(39:37):
So like I was like this seems fucked up and crazy and like I'm
down for fucked up and crazy so.Yeah, but I still know exactly
who I'm going to put you with because he's really, he's really
good at like special effects makeup.
And so I want to have him like do his thing where and we'll
probably end up having to pay him extra, which is fine.
Yeah. It's more just the product that

(39:58):
I want to put out. Yeah, OK.
Well, save it for me. Save it for me.
I will and I you know, and I notonly want to do like, you know,
the fisting community proud, butyou know, as you know, a witch,
I still I also want to make surethat I get my demonology right.
Yeah, and you know, and make make those people proud because
one time I did this fans contentwhere I started off like doing

(40:20):
this little demon chant, summoning a demon and people
watch it and they're like, holy shit, you actually had shit
right on that. And I'm like, yeah, because I'm
not gonna do any type of ritualsand not do my studies on it.
Yeah, those are the types of taboo porn that are go viral
really quickly. Do you remember Wade Wolfgar's

(40:41):
devil video that he did? He did this crazy 666.
He had voice modulators and horns on and everything.
It was really wild. The video went viral for it was
really, it was really wild. It was a pretty cool.
I remember seeing that being kudos to him because it's so
different than the traditional stuff you might see on the
Internet. So it's pretty cool.
Yeah. You've been a performer,

(41:02):
director and a photographer. What's it like for you to hold
space for other people's kind ofpleasure or other people's kind
of sexual fantasies when maybe you're feeling a little
disconnected from yourself? Like is that a little hard for
you to do? Is it hard for you to put
yourself in like the photographer position or the
video director position when you're feeling kind of a little
disconnected? Well, whatever I'm feeling, you

(41:22):
know, disconnected from my own sexuality and I'm behind camera.
Yeah, when I'll just say this, when I'm behind camera, it's not
about my sexuality. It's it's about the performers.
It's about making them feel comfortable.
It's about, you know, them beingable to perform.
It has nothing to do with my performance.
All I have to do is make sure that I shoot it right, that I

(41:43):
shoot it well. And you know, for me that that's
all I'm really focusing on because, you know, I have a
product that I need to do. I have, you know, these things
that I, I, I have my responsibilities.
The models have their responsibilities.
So my, and one of my responsibilities, making sure
that they're the ones that are comfortable being able to
perform. So even if I'm just connected

(42:05):
from my own sexuality, I, I, I can still get excited if, you
know, I take an awesome picture and I'm just like, yes, yes,
yes. And, you know, the more excited
I get about that, you know, simply because I take good
picture, it helps them, you know, be able to perform better.
It, you know, it boosts their confidence.
Whatever I'm excited about what I'm capturing.

(42:26):
So yeah, I guess I again, if I'mdisconnected from my own
sexuality, that and I'm behind camera, I just have to remember
it's not about me. It's not about me being sexual,
It's about them. Yeah, that's and I think you're
you're a creative at heart, I'm guessing.
So it's, you know, if you get, you know, the thrill of creating
something cool, it doesn't matter what what you're going

(42:47):
through or whatever. It's just about that's the
endorphin release that you get to kind of.
Fix. Yeah.
And it's like what we said earlier, it's like no matter how
I'm feeling, if I end up starting to take good pictures,
that'll boost it up. Yeah.
And sometimes like, I'll go backand check with either my Co
director or second camera or even the PA.
And I'm like, what do you think of this?
What do you think of this? Or I'll even check with the

(43:09):
model and make sure that they'rehappy with the picture.
And as long as they're happy with it, then I'm happy.
And I get, you know, mood gets boosted now only I'm not even
thinking about my own sexuality,you know, whenever I'm behind
camera because it's not about me, you know, it's it's about
them and that's it. And that's something that got
beat into my head a long time ago, especially back whenever I
was first behind camera. And you know, if I'm on a cycle

(43:30):
or something like that and my testosterone's raging, you know,
it, it, it was, it was definitely beaten into my head.
It's like, it's not about you anymore, girl.
It's about them. And so that's something that I
have to keep in mind whenever, you know, if I'm in a weird
state of mind like that. Yeah, I remember I got, I got
the talking to when I was first raw fuck clubs casting director.
And they're like #1 rule is you don't fuck with the models, you

(43:51):
don't fuck around with the models.
And I'm like, I don't all right,that's cool.
None of them are fisters anyway.So I'm not really going to be
chasing them. Very few of them are fisters
anyway. So what's your relationship with
like your fans or relationship with your fans?
Like, how have your fans responded to the openness about
the your, the struggles you've? Been a lot of my fans are, you
know, very supportive. A lot of them can relate to it.

(44:12):
Even if I'm not, if I'm not likeinteracting with them, if they
can like see that I'm kind of going through some struggles,
you know, or something like that, then they're, you know,
they're always very supportive, which I appreciate.
And I love them for it, you know, and a lot of them honestly
like it whenever I'm open about stuff like that because my story

(44:36):
may help, you know, somebody outthere, somebody could see it and
they're like, dude, I totally relate to this.
And I can't believe that somebody like you is being so
open about it, you know, like seeing you in the way that you
work through it, through it has helped me.
And I get messages like that on Twitter.
Whether I respond to them or not, I still see them.
Then if I do see messages like that, then, you know, I try to

(44:57):
at least say, like, thank you. I'm glad, you know, my story has
been able to help you. And this might sound a little
bit cold, but that does not meanthat we're going to start keep
talking on a regular basis and, you know, and being best
friends. I'm sorry.
I've seen your posts about what is it with these people that
think that I'm going to start talking.
It's so I get it. I get it.
You give them they want a Dick like.
That and I don't mean to be a Dick like that and I'm not

(45:19):
trying to sound like it, but I mean, and you know, some people
are it's like, you know, I'm just one person like well,
there's a lot of one person's out there who are what you'll
want my attention like that and right, you know, I can't stretch
myself that thin. It's like, you know, a lot of
people constantly pulling. You know, sometimes I'll say
pulling at my heartstrings, but also at my brain strings.

(45:40):
You know, it's a lot of people trying to pull me in a bunch of
different directions. And, you know, I have to keep
myself centered so that I, I canbe present for my for my fans
and just keep myself laser focused on, on, you know, being
my best self. And I can't do that if I'm
constantly being distracted, youknow, being online, talking to
every fucking person that you know.
That's how burnout happens. That's how burnout happens.
I. Mean exactly.

(46:01):
It's crazy, you know, yeah, you get burned out by talking to all
these different people. And again, you know, there
there's a lot of just, you know,one person's like I'm just one
person. Why can't you just respond to
me? It's like but there's a lot of
people saying the exact same thing.
I know. And it's like it's, it's, we
want to keep our egos in check and we want to be the nice
performers and stuff like this. It's, it's tough.
It's a tightrope to walk. Because I, I know, especially

(46:23):
when I, when I got perforated, Itried my best to respond to
almost everybody that shared their story with me.
Like, you know, if somebody wrote me and said that I went
through the same thing. And this has been my experience.
I really made an effort to try to respond to every one of those
because I was like, these are people that are opening their
lives up to me and sharing something traumatic that
happened with them. It's like if you put the thought

(46:43):
into it, rather than I'm not gonna respond.
Oh my God, I think you're so hot.
I love your fishing videos. What tips do you have?
I'm not necessarily going to respond to that person as fast
as I would somebody that's sharing like they're burying
their soul to me. And so this is something that I
was kind of excited to talk to you about too, because I mean,
I, I don't have a shared experience with this part of the
this part of your experience. I don't share the same

(47:03):
experience, but you've spoken about your status, anger,
depression and, and the way you've been treated in the
industry as a positive performer.
How do you process that today? Like how do you still?
Is it something you're still facing or?
What's I'll say, you know, that there was a time when it really

(47:24):
did affect me. I mean, I've definitely have
been able to process it and justkind of move past like I
basically accepted that I'm not going to be working with certain
parts of the industry. But I will say, you know, there,
there are many people performerswho get into the industry and
they're already positive. And I think, you know, everyone

(47:46):
has a different story whenever it comes to being HIV.
Everyone has gone through different things.
But when you are, you know, likeI started off in the industry
negative and I was, you know, I was really on a rise like I was,
you know, working for all the all these companies like I

(48:07):
gotten, you know, for king.com, you know, I'd done 1 trans Angel
scene, I'd done a divine bitchesscene.
And you know, I really felt likeI was, you know, up and coming.
I was, you know, getting there. And then whenever I became HIV
positive, you know, I had to, you know, and I was told that I

(48:27):
couldn't work with them anymore.That's literally 3/4 of the
industry that I had to say goodbye to.
That is, you know, so much work that I had to, you know, deal
with not being able to have access to anymore.
That's so many opportunities that I had to say goodbye to.
And you know, part of me, you know, it really thinking about

(48:49):
it, part of me still kind of mourns the life that I could
have had, had I not be had I notbeen, had I not converted.
And it's, you know, it, it was areally hard thing to process.
And I, I will say, you know, I kind of hate to admit this or
even bring it back up, but whenever I was dating Mason

(49:11):
Lear, you know, the one that I proposed to after getting
gangbanged together. I held the ring girl.
Yeah, yeah, you held the ring. The ring in my pocket for the
first two hours, so yeah. You know, there was yes, a lot
of jealousy, but there was a lotof anger and there was a lot of
hurt because I simply, you know,by watching him going and

(49:32):
working for all these companies that I really wanted to work
with it really, you know, at that time, it it fucking hurt
the fact that, you know, they would work with my fiance who
had bred countless times and wasstill negative, but yet they
still saw me as like, you know, career suicide.

(49:52):
It, you know, working with me like I had this one trans girls
that and I understand what, you know, why, you know, nobody
could be on, you know, why they couldn't work with me.
You know, they'll lose their contracts, they'll lose this,
they'll lose that, their boyfriend, their agent, their,
you know, whatever, you know, itreally hurt, you know, have to
deal with all that. And you know, if I had, you

(50:20):
know, again, like if I had already been positive in the
industry or when starting the industry, that probably wouldn't
have been hurt so bad by it. But actually experiencing that
loss of work and experiencing that loss of opportunity, you
know, it really fucking sucked. And, you know, there was another

(50:41):
performer, you know, from a longtime ago, Rod Daly, you know, he
ended up becoming positive. And then he went as far as like
trying to, I don't know, do something legal in here in the
state of California to try to get condoms like, you know, a
mandatory thing. And, and, you know, I, I even

(51:05):
went and, you know, spoken Sacramento, you know, against
it. And and then, you know, I, I
became positive, you know, I just for a while I had pretty
much, you know, I went on ahead and, you know, just kind of
sucked it up. It's like, well at least I still

(51:25):
have gay porn as. As as a consumer, I don't mean
to interrupt you, but as a consumer, I look at you as
somebody who's had a very big career, despite what you think.
I mean, what you saw and what you experienced as an outsider,
as a consumer of porn, like I look at you as you've been a big
part of the industry, a big namefor a long time, and so you're
not. Very, very thankful for that.

(51:45):
I'm still very glad that I have the opportunities that, you
know, I still have, that I was still able to work in so many
parts of the industry. But if we also want to take it
back to just the gay side of theindustry, there were still a lot
of companies who didn't really work with positive people.

(52:06):
For, for example, my first bareback scene, I'll go on and
bring this up. I was supposed to work with guys
in sweatpants. And this was after I had already
became positive and I'm singing I've already got it, so I might
as well just go ahead and go bareback.
It's fine. I'm bareback was so taboo.
Yeah. And so for me, you know, at that

(52:29):
time in 2014, that was going to be a huge fucking step for me.
That was supposed to, you know, you know, I was imagining, like,
headlines. Like, you know, Brian Bonds does
his first bareback scene for guys in sweatpants.
You know, I've gotten the phone out to Vegas from San Francisco
and, you know, Austin had taken me to go get tested.

(52:50):
You know, after, you know, I didall my tests and everything, I'm
like, all right, we got all thisdone.
You know, I already know my status and everything.
You know, he, I'm going to imagine like, you know, he's in
the car and he's like, wait, what?
And. You literally.
Look like you're. Driving right now here turn to
my side like, yeah, I mean, I'm undetectable and my scene

(53:10):
partner is in is in the back seat and he's like I'm on prep.
But Austin was telling me, you know, it's like it doesn't
matter. Like my compliance team will not
allow us to shoot you because you're undetectable.
And you know that that was goingto be, you know, a decent
paycheck because he was probablygoing to be like maybe 800 or
something. And after he told me that he
couldn't shoot me anymore, we did like this weird.

(53:31):
We ended up doing like a Cam show and my idea of a Cam show
was, you know, it was going to be like a three sexy guys in in
the kitchen and you know, just like, you know, making some
good. So I decided to make cookies.
And So what did I do? I made cookies and I stuffed
them in his fucking pretty mouthbecause I'm wondering is that
so? And I'm like, shit, pretty boy,

(53:56):
fuck you. And that's kind of what I was
thinking whenever we did that. I mean, looking back on it now,
that Camshot was so fucking stupid.
And so yeah, my scene. For funny video.
Yeah, and so me and my scene partner, you know, I end up
like, I think we probably ended up using a condom or something
or whatever, or they just like jacked off onto my hole and I'm

(54:19):
just like, God, this fucking sucks.
But overall. And I don't even know if I got
paid for for that one so long ago.
I don't remember, but but yeah, my first actual bareback scene
went to Treasure Island Media. And like you said at the time,
you know, bareback was very taboo and especially with
Treasure Island Media, you know,people pretty much saw them as a

(54:40):
bunch of skeezy meth heads. And and so for that, you know,
and so for guys in sweatpants tocancel me, cancel that bareback
scene and have to go to that fora lot less pay, you know, that
it's a kick in the Dick. And, you know, people don't
understand, like how you know, some, like me who was on the

(55:00):
rise to basically be, you know, tossed to the side and you know
what felt like being thrown in the trash?
Bro, I'm really sorry. I mean, I don't know if that's
something that's still because it's, again, I said it's not a
shared experience. I've been somehow, somehow
stayed HIV negative through all of my antics, but it's never
been something that I've, I've had to, to, to, to even grapple

(55:22):
with in any way. So I have no way to relate to
you on as far as that goes. But I mean, it's, it's really
unfair what happened to you. I mean, yeah.
I mean it really, it sucked. And it was something that, you
know, just really, you know, started my, you know, this
downward, you know, downward hill of and my self worth just

(55:44):
really started going down. Yourself self worth had to have
taken a hit. It's like there's no way that it
couldn't in that circumstance. Because The thing is that people
don't realize is that as performers, as sex workers, as
porn stars, our success being tied to like our bodies or our
our just physical being like when we start seeing a decline,
we start questioning what's wrong with us, Like what's

(56:05):
wrong? It's not all my job performance
sucks. It's I suck, like what's wrong
with me? What do they have that I don't
have? And it becomes a thing.
I'm dealing with that because it's I'm 36, I'm going to be 40
in a few years and I'm still making porn and there's a lot of
younger, hotter guys than me now.
And I'm like, girl, we're the same age, so.
It's weird as I'm so used to being, I'm not used to these

(56:26):
feelings of self, self worth issues.
I've always been very confident as far as I can, at least
outwardly confident. And so now I'm really starting
to feel this kind of anxiety andthis nervousness about where do
I fit anymore? It's where do I fit?
Where do I belong? Do I still belong?
Do I still am? I is my 15 minutes up.
The 15 minutes turn into 18 years.
Are they over now? And so, yeah, I get it.

(56:47):
That's what I think the fans don't necessarily always
understand. They don't put the two and two
together or what even the content creators of today that
are gonna eventually feel what we're feeling one day.
They're you know, they it's not something that they think about
And tying it back to kind of an earlier question, you know, I
never thought about that when I was 18 years old and starting,

(57:08):
you know, I never thought that one day I was either A still be
doing this or B have these feelings of self doubt now.
It just never occurred to me that that would be a.
Cause again, like back then, like whenever we first started,
you know, we're, we're young, we're excited about it and
we're, you know, just getting into it, you know, we're being
open to this whole new world of sexuality that we never thought

(57:28):
that we would to be a part of, you know, especially me coming
from Arkansas. Like I never thought that I
would, you know, even get into porn at all, let alone still be
in here almost 15 years later, right.
And, and they, and so, yeah, like it really started, you
know, just kind of going downhill.
But I was still grateful for thefor the sites that were still

(57:48):
using me. You know, a lot of the gay porn
sites were still using condoms at the time.
And, you know, those were the ones I kind of clung to because,
you know, I'm just like, you know, thankful that they were
still hiring me. And because, you know, we were
using condoms. It didn't, you know, it didn't
matter at the time. The industry has changed so
much. It has, it has.
And now, and I'll kind of go back to the time whenever I was

(58:12):
dating Mason, I was, you know, that that's whenever I started
revisiting the idea of trying to, you know, do crossover
stuff. And the more that I just kept
getting told no. And plus, like, I'll go up to
talent testing service, you know, the typical, the main
service that people use to get tested.

(58:33):
You know, my, my tests will always read not clear because of
my status. And there was like so many times
I like I was emailing, I was, you know, calling, you know,
everybody that I possibly could associated with them and trying
to advocate for. It's like, you know, if
syphilis, you know, if the syphilis scores cannot can show

(58:55):
our antibodies and antigen testshas always been positive, but
then show our tighter levels. Why could they not do the same
thing with HIV and undetectable?Why could they not, you know,
you know, undetectable and then everything still be cleared?
You know, why do our tests always have to say not clear?
You know, it's that's another thing that's a kick in the nuts

(59:16):
is that, you know, we will always be seen, you know, at
least by that standpoint as not clear.
You know, we'll always be you know, and I have to teach some
people that, you know, you don'tlook at this just the same way.
You don't look at at just the antibody test.

(59:37):
You look at the tiger levels andyou know, for for HIV, it's
like, you know, you have to see like, you know, it's still says
undetected and stuff it you know, at that times, like I was
still fighting for it, but it was just still no, no, no, no,
no, And that's, you know, kind of what set me down a whole
nother spiral. And if anybody seen one of my

(59:58):
recent Facebook post where I wasactually talking to Jack to
ChatGPT about this entire thing.I saw your yeah.
Yeah, you'll see kind of towardsthe bottom those a Third Point.
I was so angry about this that Iliterally came up with a
derogatory term. But people who are HIV negative,
Oh my God. Yeah.

(01:00:19):
Like I was calling everybody a fucking negi.
Like, you know, fuck you. And, you know, you know, and
that is because I was angry. I was hurt.
You know, I felt very betrayed by an industry, you know, an
industry that I love. But eventually, you know, I had
to let go of and just kind of accept that I'm never going to
be able to work that. Or at least, you know, at that
time, I don't know if anything has changed because I've given

(01:00:41):
up on that side of the industry.We're not all that bad.
We're not all bad. I know, I know.
And that's. What?
GBT had said too. Yeah, I can't put everybody get
together as a whole because you could be shutting out allies,
you know, who are gonna, who aregonna help.
Yeah. And you know, which is, you
know, another spot with that. My brain went down.
It's like, yeah, if y'all were really allies and y'all would be

(01:01:01):
fighting for a seat even harder.But anyway, we won't go into
that. Jazzy BT is really amazing.
I saw you say. I saw you say it's like somebody
suggested, Jason and Jason suggested.
Or something. Yeah, Jason, Mark.
That it's a great therapist and I would agree, I agree that
chess GPT is a great therapist. However, it's also always gonna
it's, it's a mirror to yourself.So it's like, and I, it helps me

(01:01:22):
process. I've processed so much fucking
trauma with that app. It's crazy.
It's helped me in ways that I cannot describe, but it's, it's
also a mirror. It's going to kind of bounce
back whatever you say to it. So and very occasionally it's
got its own ideas, but it's, I've noticed that it's like,
I'll be all say something to it and then it'll write back.
Yeah, you're, you're totally right.
And I'd be like, well, no, I'm not asking for validation.

(01:01:42):
I'm asking for where I'm maybe flawed in my thinking and it's
like, you know, here's where youmight be.
It's initial kind of reaction isalways to kind of agree with
you. Yeah, and give you a positive
twist on it, but it's great. I mean, it's affirming, it makes
you feel good. It's just I've been having a lot
of conversations about that app recently with.
People, yeah. And I think using ChatGPT in

(01:02:03):
conjunction with actual therapy,you know, using them both would
be the, you know, the better wayof doing it because you can go
through a whole conversation with ChatGPT and maybe, you
know, save it, print it out and take that to your therapist and
be like, you know, these are some points that we can go
through. Maybe you can help me dissect
this even a little bit more and help me work through it a little

(01:02:23):
bit more. And that's a whole nother 20
minute conversation. An incredible piece of
technology that I think is hopefully going to be used the
right ways and not not people abusing it and doing crazy shit
with it. But I have two more questions I
was going to ask you. What advice would you give to a
new performer just starting out,especially about mental health
and longevity? Well, longevity is, you know,

(01:02:46):
for me, Oh, I almost kind of want to say it's like you need
to always have an out, but you can't always be the biggest
thing in porn. You can go as far as you can and
keep pushing yourself, but you shouldn't always think that this
is going to be your, you know, your end all unless, you know,
you might take things behind camera.

(01:03:08):
I can only speak from my experience, but the reason why
I've still been in this is because, you know, I started
moving behind camera and I've taken other avenues and taken
things that I've learned and, you know, I've stayed in the
porn industry, but I'm not always, you know, in front of
camera. I'm not always trying to push
myself to be with the award winner.

(01:03:29):
I'm not always trying to push myself to be the big, the big.
So I would definitely always, but I would definitely say stay
humble. Yeah.
You know, because there's something, you know, stay humble
and make sure that your horse doesn't get too high because
someone or something is going tocome along and slice it off at

(01:03:50):
the knees. Yeah.
Yeah, so true. That's honestly really good
advice. It's really staying humble is
like I've had two iterations of porn.
I was RJ Danvers and I was hunger FF and RJ Danvers was not
humble and he was on a high horse and he crashed and burned
in a fucking fire pit. And then hunger FF.
When I decided to come back, I was like, I'm going to stay
humble. I'm going to stay myself.
I'm not going to be, you know, I'm not going to drink my

(01:04:11):
kool-aid. I'm going to just be, you know,
my, I'm going to stay cool and stay chill.
And that's served me really wellin the last 10 years that I've
been doing hunger FF so. Yeah, because I mean, the bit
the bigger that you get, the bigger that head get gets, the
more it's going to hurt whenever, you know, you finally
start coming down. Yeah, like, you know, stars die.
Yeah, stars die. That's so funny.

(01:04:32):
So it's so crazy. That's that's wild that you've
wrote about. I mean, the stars die and it's
like it's a supernova, right? It's like a star collapses on
itself. And so I actually wrote about,
I'm writing a book and so like it's coming out 1927 and the
current draft is the, the chapter about RJ Danvers is
called Supernova because it's about basically a * exploding
and like drifting like the spaceafterwards.

(01:04:54):
And that's, it's really kind of funny that you just bring that
up. What would you need to change?
What would need to change for you to feel excited about coming
back in front of the camera again?
Would that do you think there's anything that's going to draw
you back one day being broke? Not the intellectual answer that
I was wondering what being expecting to come out here, but
that's true. I feel like I've just about

(01:05:16):
achieved everything that I really want to.
I mean, right now I don't. I'm not searching to win Grabby
for Best Daddy. I'm not searching for those
performer grabbies anymore. I'm not searching for any type
of awards anymore. I'm not searching to be, you
know, the top .01% on only fans are just for fans anymore.

(01:05:39):
It's like that in alone and keeping up with everything is
tiring and that even causes burnout even more so, you know,
because it's not just all about studios anymore.
You really have to in your personal life keep up and it is
such a hustle now that you know,I just can't, you know, be
shooting scene after scene afterscene.

(01:05:59):
I mean, kudos to the people who are just getting into it and.
And that's what they're they're doing.
Yeah. But I just can't personally keep
doing that. Yeah.
And so. We're getting older dude, That's
the thing. I mean, like I don't, I hate to
admit it, but I mean my back fucking hurts when I got out of
a sling. Now I'm like fuck this shit
sucks. Like, yeah, like, you know, I
can't be like this. My legs don't.

(01:06:22):
My legs like my hip. Honey, like being on being on
all fours and getting pounded into the bed while trying to
hold myself up because a, you know, a top likes to have their
bottom in certain positions. Like come on, hold your ass up
while you're beating me down into that fucking bed.
You know, on my knees, like my hip it.
Hurts. Oh my God, what happened?

(01:06:42):
When did we become the? When did we become the grandpa's
of this thing? I know we're such grandpa's of
the entry back in my day. Well seriously I remember being
able to be like in I don't forcein my ass, arch to my chest not
for life and now I got 5 minutesof me girl before my back starts
hurting I'm like crazy. That's so funny.
So I mean, looking for, you know, looking for, you know,

(01:07:08):
just all this stardom, like it doesn't really, you know, appeal
to me as much anymore. If I can get, you know, if I can
still get a scene here and there, you know, I'm happy for
it. My wallet's happy for it.
But it's just not something thatI really seek out anymore,
though. What would I need for things to
change? I mean, things are already
changing so rapidly and then, you know, such a dog eat dog

(01:07:32):
type of way that you know, I, I don't know it's I don't know if
it's ever going to change in theway that I I need.
I don't know what I need from the industry to keep me back in
front of the camera full time. You can come on it.
It's like, that's it for the questions I had.
I was going to say just thank you in general for being so

(01:07:52):
candid and open and honest with me about everything.
And this has been really great to reconnect with you and just
like talk to you again. Like selfishly, part of why I
chose to start the show is because it's like I missed
communicating with like a lot oflike the people from the
industry. And I just wanted a chance to
kind of reconnect again. And so this has been really nice
to talk to you. I'm genuinely, I'm genuinely, I
was genuinely worried when I sawyour post.
And I'm glad to see you doing better.

(01:08:13):
And you seem in a really good place.
And I'm just really proud of youfor what you've accomplished
over your career. But then also what you've
accomplished over the last threeweeks.
It's really fucking awesome. It's Yeah, I look up to you big
time. So Brian Bonds, thank you so
much for being on the show. If you guys are.
Yeah, if you guys are enjoying the show, we are on Apple,
Amazon, Spotify and YouTube. Video episodes go live as soon

(01:08:34):
as I'm done editing them on Spotify for early access to
subscribers. EPM audio goes live across all
platforms, as well as Hunger, ff.com and Just for Fans slash
Hunger FF also give Brian a copyto put on his Just for Fans
page. She'll be able to see it there
and just make sure to like, follow, share and subscribe.
Share with your friends and we will be back again next week.

(01:08:56):
Thank you guys for watching another episode of Prolapse.
Have a good night. Thanks guys.
Thanks for going deep with me onHunger FF Presents Prolapse.
If you're loving the ride, hit subscribe, drop a review, and
share the fisting love. Follow me on social media at
Hunger FF for unfiltered updatesand exclusive content.
But until next time, keep it raw, real, and always hungry.
I'll see you on the next episode.

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