Episode 48: Life, Lust, and Letting Go: A Raw Catch-Up with Jazmatazz

Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Welcome to Broil Apps, the fisting podcast that goes deep
explore my life views and raw, unfiltered conversations with
the creators that are redefiningkink connection in the fisting
community. Hey you guys welcome back for a
special episode of prolapses episode 48 and we're here today
with Jazz Mataz. He and I have worked together as

(00:20):
you guys are aware, lots of a couple different projects have
been on such fun sponsored the show.
He's been on this show once already.
I guess the Big butt geek did a solo episode too so.
This is my solo episode. I'm ready.
There is no format for this today.
We were just talking beforehand.I didn't really come with
questions prepared. And so we're just going to have
a chat about life and where things are at for both of us and

(00:41):
a couple other important topics and things that we wanted to
discuss. So I will go ahead and throw it
to you to, to get things rollingsince I'll, I'll probably
piggyback at the end about my, my shit.
So we can we can start with yours.
All right, Happily. Well, I just got back from LA,
spent two weeks there meeting all the girls, fisting all the
holes and just having a generally fantastic time.

(01:05):
And it was a well needed break because I think my life here in
Berlin had been kind of like, you know, when you feel like,
like everything's cracking around you and you're trying to
hold up all this stuff. And I was just like, no, no, I
don't. You wouldn't know what that's
like. So I got away for a total of
three weeks, one week with my husband in Spain in the sun,
getting my golden tan back, and then and then two weeks in LA.

(01:28):
And now I've come back, of course, and the work has piled
up. So I'm like back in the thick of
it. Stupidly, stupidly flew home on
my birthday because my. Because Big Butt Geek booked the
flights and so I, I had a layover in London and so I was
flying back on my birthday and Iwas like, you know, for my 37th

(01:48):
year, what I wish for myself andmy life is meditation and
reflection and peace and quiet. We are the same age.
I remember this, you forget thisevery day.
Look, I can't grow a beard. That's my biggest problem in
life. That's your biggest problem in
life, girl? It's up there, It's up there.

(02:10):
So I was like, I'm going to, I'mgoing to be an adult and just
have a day of meditation or reflection.
Of course, called my parents nice and early and had that.
Had that nice little part of thethe day where everything was
really calm. And I was like, yeah, really
centering myself. And then of course I got home
and my husband's like, we've gotdrugs and drugs and more drugs.

(02:31):
And I was like, I'm going to invite, I'm going to invite some
of my favorite fist of friends over.
And of course, I didn't sleep for two days and then I got sick
for a week, so and work's been piling up and I'm still just
like, so it's been a time. It's been a time.
I can relate. Yeah, like coming home from RE
sober for most of the trip on tothe US.

(02:53):
Yes, that's the thing. Like in the USI didn't take any
chems at all, I just took edibles.
I got home from fifth most, which I did completely sober and
not in doubt when I got home. I went to the July 1st fest.
I did, I went to Fisfest and I did Fisfest completely sober and
then I came home from fisfest and did the same as you.
Drugs, drugs, drugs, drugs, drugs.
I didn't sleep for three days and I was like fuck, I did so

(03:15):
good at fisfest. What happened to me?
Why did this happen? I mean so.
Gotta count your wins, right? I see.
Oh yeah, no, it was. It's the first time I've done an
event like that sober in a very long time.
And so it was really important to me that I go to that event
and not do anything and be present.
And I had so much fucking fun. I had the best fucking time.

(03:38):
I played with so many people. I filmed so much.
I filmed 2 1/2 hours for the content.
And then, yeah. And then I just came home and I
was just, it's true what they say.
It's like when you kind of dip your toes back in.
It's like you don't just dip your toes back in, you dive in
the deep end again. There's no, there's no kind of
going back to the way you used to use, I guess.
I guess maybe that's that's not exactly true because I'm not

(03:58):
using the way I used to use, butit's just not the IT wasn't.
I wish I could have extended that a little bit longer.
Yeah, I get that. I kind of feel in my head as
though I when I use, I use more effectively and I use less of
it. But I don't know that that's
really. I don't want to tell myself

(04:20):
that, but. I don't want to tell myself it's
like, yeah, but the lines were smaller and they were less
frequent. Really.
Were they and and did it help you?
No, and that's, that's the thing.
Like I just had a session a couple days ago where like with
somebody that I played with bothsober and under the influence.
And like I thought about it afterwards and I was, you know,

(04:40):
that was not as fun as it is when I'm going to play with them
sober. Like it was just like I felt
kind of disconnected, like it was happening.
It was more intense. It was more like, you know,
savage. But it was like not really.
I never looked at his eyes like once And like, that's what the
that's the thing. I don't ever look around.
I look everywhere else except for at the person when I'm
partying. Like I just so I have a hard

(05:02):
time with eye contact and and itjust didn't it didn't feel as
connected as as it has in the past.
I totally get that. I totally think when we're high,
we have this this hunger or thisyearning for more or for, I
don't know to satisfy that that that like when I'm high, I'm
constantly for more toys, biggertoys, different toys.

(05:23):
I'm searching, like to get that ultimate feeling, yeah.
And I won't give up until I've got it.
And then when I've got it, I want it more and more and more
and more and more until my body gives out.
Right. Whereas when I'm sober it's like
a couple of hours and I'm good and I'm happy.
And if my partner says, oh that was nice, I've had two rounds,

(05:44):
I'm done. I'm like, actually, I'm done
too, and it's so good to be done.
There's a beginning and an end. Exactly.
Yeah, and there's A and and whenyou're partying or whatever,
taking whatever it is you take, then it's you have your
beginning, a very long middle and if you're lucky maybe some
kind of ending. So it's not often that I feel

(06:05):
there's well, I mean for me now it's I feel I've reached like
almost a homeostasis with is like my body is like in this.
I eat, I sleep, I go to bed, people come over to party and
play or whatever and like I'll feel I cut it so short because
I'm just tired. I'm done, I'm ready, I'll be for
bed. Like they don't last forever

(06:26):
like they they used to for me. I'm also almost 40 now we're
almost 40 so it's like I don't have it.
I don't even need to go 3 days at a time anymore.
Exactly. Yeah.
And my hangovers last forever these days, like this one.
My hangovers last forever. And like, like this this latest
one. Like I got some.
I don't know if it was because Iwas jet lag.

(06:47):
I've just gotten off this flightfrom LA, or rather it had been
10 hours from from LA to London and then three hours of sleep
overnight in London and then an early flight out and then
staying awake all day and then taking drugs and not sleeping
for another two days. My body was not having it, my
lungs. I smoked my first cigarette in

(07:10):
like 2 weeks and I was like I amout of here.
This is what this bullshit you're putting me through now
and speed and. That's so I you and I, for the
record, you and I have never done anything like that
together. So it's like I've I don't know
you in that context. I don't know you in any, any
every time we ever hung out, I've been sober sober period.

(07:30):
There's a sub period at the end of that sentence.
So you've never seen me at my messy stages or my less than
sober stages other than through a webcam lens.
I don't know It's I'm not I don't think I'm that much fun to
party with because I don't I, I'm such a a short.
My friends make fun of me that Ithat party with me that are like
you're just you go to bed, you just dip out after one, one or
two rounds. I'm like, I don't know, this is

(07:53):
weird homeostasis that I've reached where it's reached,
where I just don't need to go. I don't have the energy to go
like that anymore. It's weird, but I suppose when
you're. Doing it that long, like, like,
you know, you've, you've done itall before.
You've seen it all before. You've you've.
Yeah. And.
That's the weird thing is when people ask me, they're like, oh,
I just started partying last year.

(08:14):
I'm like, Oh my God, I think about him.
I've been partying on and off myentire adult life is 8, almost
20 years. It's a long time to be abusing
my body basically for this long.And so I'm sort of at a point
where we were talking about theoretically framing this as
like a fourth part of for the record.

(08:34):
But then I was like, I like thatidea that it's closed, closed,
closed book. And this is more like my life
right now at least is centered around kind of harm reduction
methods and stuff like that, right?
We'll get to that later. We'll get to that later because
I want to talk about it. So other stuff first.
Other more important things. You're you're looking good, by
the way, every time we film likea podcast together, you're
looking better than the time before.

(08:56):
I don't know what's changed now for you.
We'll get. Thank you.
Like you just we haven't, we haven't seen I, oh, we haven't
been hired together except for through a computer screen.
And I remember back to that early episode where it looks
like you're obviously coming outof your head kind.
Of thing, I know I don't even like to watch that.

(09:17):
I mean, that makes me really uncomfortable.
It took me so long to even edit it because it was like I just
couldn't sit, sit down and do it.
It was just hard to watch. And I guess that's kind of, I
guess that was a very reflectivemoment for me.
I guess looking at really looking at a lens and being
like, Oh my God, like I'm not, Iwas not OK.
I was not OK at that point in mylife.

(09:37):
And 2024 turned into an even bigger 2024 was my worst year.
Worst year ever. But yeah, let's look for later.
There's also like, there's so much that you've been through in
recent months that we haven't actually caught up on yet.
Yeah. And I'm almost afraid to ask, is
this. There's so much I might a couple

(09:58):
of months and there's like ex-boyfriend troubles and
there's family troubles and girl, you don't.
Even have it. Oh my God, yeah.
I don't want this to be all about me though.
But also, have you talked about this stuff already on other
episodes recently, no. No, I haven't.
I haven't. Well, I'll tell.

(10:19):
You what tell you what we'll do some.
I told you my my LA and then, well, I didn't tell you that.
Let me tell you a little bit of in fact, you made me think of it
when you said like you couldn't watch, you couldn't edit that
video. It was really watch yourself.
Well, I've been editing my porn recently.
The the the stuff I I took the people and there's like more

(10:43):
prolapsed content than I've everbefore.
And normally I find it really difficult watching my my porn or
like I don't I don't wank to it.You know, like I'll I'll do.
You'll get over that. You'll get over that.
You'll get over that. Well, it appears that I did get
over that because there's, there's this one video and like

(11:06):
it was filmed with Macho Mars isone of his aliases and he's got
this, this kind of we, we determined that it's a lasagna
of a prolapse. And, and I, I remember thinking
like, I don't know, I was a bit,I suppose a bit nervous because

(11:27):
it was so beautiful. But then once I was in the zone,
like I forgot about the camera and I was just working my magic
and, and it was working really well.
And he and I connect really well.
And then watching it back, I hadto wank every single time.
Like like once a day I would watch it back and I would, I
would have a nice wank and I waslike, right, I've made it.
I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm a porn porn. If I can't stop watching my own

(11:53):
porn like this is. If it's not good, if it's like I
occasionally get videos that I'mjust like, Oh my God, this is so
amazing. Like, and I have to jerk off
while I'm editing and then other, other ones I know are
kind of dead. So I'm just like, well, I was
not into it or I was too fucked up or something and it wasn't
really vibing with the person then.
So I skip over those ones. I, I, but I worry sometimes I'm

(12:16):
kind of at a burnout point with it's kind of, it's cute to see
you kind of just starting and getting so excited about it.
And I'm just, I haven't, I have to edit.
I still have to edit and upload a video tonight before 8:00.
It's three hours from now. I have them.
So over the over the process to a degree, it's I'm having so
much more fun doing these than Iam actually filming content.
I I kind of I kind of guessed that because we're going great

(12:39):
guns with prolapse yeah and I actually like I haven't been on
your website recently to see newnew porn uploads that you
they're still. There every Monday and every
Thursday, but it's just that they're not as they're not as
exciting for me to work on anymore.
And like, and The thing is, is that I'm sort of trapped in
because like I have to, I film because of my injury.
I don't like to be far from home, like I don't like to be

(13:01):
out and about. I I'm trying to I'm filming a
lot here at home and so my videos feel kind of like the
same, like I'm wearing the same latex gear.
So Invincible rubber just sponsored the show and they
sending me a couple new pieces of gear.
So I'm going to be getting new stuff to wear when Matthew Paris
gets here in two weeks. Yeah, I'm so excited.
That is like my that's that's talk about content that I'm

(13:24):
actually excited to film is thatfilming with him is really looks
something I'm looking forward to.
But so they're giving me new. Maybe 4?
Or is it? Is this the first time?
We've never met. He's going to spend like a week
and 1/2 with me. And so I'm just over the moon.
Like it's like if you would havetold 1818 year old me that
Matthew Paris was going to come and stay with me one day, I

(13:44):
would never have believed you. And so now he's coming and Oh my
God, it's happening. It's literally on the 28th or
27th or something. So it's right.
Around, yeah. That's really exciting.
And I get new gear for that. So that's exciting.
But my videos feel kind of repetitive anymore to me, like
in the same gear, the same room with the same lights, because I
don't really want to be away from home if something happens
to me, like I need to change thebag or if I need to, you know, I

(14:07):
need to be close to my supplies.So I've been, I've been sort of
sort of stacked. Feels so stagnant to me.
So I just need to kind of do something to revitalize it for
me. But yeah.
I suppose filming the right person that's really exciting to
you, that's the main thing, right?
Yeah, I'm going to get an Airbnband like while he's here so I
have a different place to film in and then get a camera mat.
So I have like the whole thing kind of like planned out and

(14:28):
mapped out, ready to go. So hopefully it'll be a
different vibe for I'm going to film the shit out of him like
yeah, 20 times. Like let's get as much content
as he can. So and I just got all the good
content at Fisfest too. So yeah.
But so how was how was how was is it Matthew Mars?
Or was was his name Matthew? I think I it's not his real

(14:49):
name. It's, yeah, it's his alias, but
I think it's, it's French by Machu Machu Mars or something.
He's in New York. Based in LA, he used.
To be in New York. So we've known each other for
like a decade. I was I was like writing up a
little a little intro text to this video I was editing of him
and me today and and I wrote like we've known each other a

(15:09):
decade and I was like, fuck a decade.
Like we really are nearing our 40s like I.
Know. I've been turning to this guy
and then I thought my second thought was hot like we find.
Yeah and yeah. Like the his I've seen him.
On Twitter and we chatted with him briefly and I just remember

(15:31):
him being in New York and his hole is amazing.
Delicious. It does look like lasagna.
So not what I'm thinking about. It does kind of look like
lasagna. So he lives in LA, so I made it
with him. I made it with Matt Wolf, who's
monogamous now. I love.
Matt, I love Matt. Yeah, I had a really crazy time

(15:53):
with him in New York. He was really.
Yeah, Yeah. And who else?
I've had a memory blank of their.
Live in New York now. Now sorry.
Or does he live? In does he live in LA?
Now he lives. In LA too now and.
Everybody listen, I swear to God, it's like LA is like where
it's at now. He.
And Max depth met up with Max depth played with Max depth

(16:15):
amazing. Like we play every time we so
it's he and Max depth and big butt geek and I all went to
Universal Studios together and and vibed that was it's it's
really when you've kind of you've known people in the
community for a while and it's not important to play together
necessarily. Like if you get to it, great,

(16:35):
But if you don't or if people's circumstances have changed, like
they've gone monogamous, like you just can go out and enjoy a
meal or fucking Universal Studios.
And this kind of report is kind of like come, come a.
Little camaraderie, that's how it's like there's always, it's
like there's a that's something that you find in the fisting
community. They don't necessarily think you
find in a lot of other communities.

(16:57):
Like you don't see the water sports guys all going out to
Universal Studios together. I mean, at least I don't, so I
don't know, maybe they. Are maybe they are like the, I
don't know, the hardcore watersports feel.
I feel like watersports it's, it's difficult to, for me to
imagine watersports is like a hardcore fetish because so many
people are into it. But like as an but maybe there

(17:17):
are like this core of people that were just like they're
their favorite color. Yeah, I think they go.
To Universal Studios together, Idon't know, maybe.
We just, we just don't hear about it insulated in our own
little fisting bubble that's. Just like, you know, we, we
we're the ones who think the fisting is like the pinnacle of
sex. But like, there are other

(17:38):
podcasts where people are stomping on chests with sneakers
on and being like, this is the pinnacle of sex and nobody else
realizes. Oh.
My God, yeah, let's keep it a secret.
Yeah, let's keep it a secret. Well, I shouldn't be laughing at
them, but I mean, let's, I mean,I've stomped a couple of guys
before, usually at Little Summeror something that where
somebody's like on the floor. I'm just like, I did it like

(17:59):
once or twice. I'm like, yeah, is it like so?
But teach their own. Yeah, I thought exactly the same
thing about stomping. And anyway, so yeah, other shit
that's going on with me, I'm I've been, I've been
relaunchingjazzmatazz.com or like the former, my little

(18:21):
fisting blog.com, especially when I realized a few months ago
that I'm no longer in my 20s. And so my little fisting blog is
not really how I see myself or my, my work.
If you could go. So trying to create a new hub
where beginners can learn about fisting and, and I've been

(18:44):
learning. I have this web designer.
He's great, but it's, it's, and I think I don't talk directly
enough to him about what I want because often I don't know what
I want. And the latest thing was he, he
said, go and get a logo done. And so I spoke to a logo
designer that works for such funand he designed me a logo and
he's like, what colors do you want?

(19:04):
And I was like, I want pink and green.
And because I was wearing some pink and green outfit one night
recently. And so he made me this Logan.
I was like, I love it. And then I gave that to the web
designer and now he's got an idea of how I, and meanwhile I'm
like writing articles or editingold articles.
We're mostly writing new articles because I I don't I
don't write the way I used to and I've learned slowly that I

(19:26):
always wrote too much and peoplewant to read bite sized
information online today they. Do yeah, now they do today.
They do yeah. TikTok generation.
Yeah. And I can do that.
YouTube Shorts and TikTok and like exactly the headline only
it's, it's, it's, it's wild. It's the 80.
It is. And it's, I'm guilty of that
too. I mean, I, I scroll on YouTube

(19:47):
shorts forever at night. Oh my God, I will scroll there,
sit there and just on YouTube just forever just scrolling
through stuff. And but it's actually kind of
cool because I've heard a lot ofpeople have found bro apps just
through the, the shorts on YouTube and stuff like that.
So that's. Great.
Yeah. Because I posted shorts on
YouTube and I said another subscriber coming to me
yesterday and tell me I met, I saw some guy I was on Zoom with
and was like, Oh my God, I just saw you on YouTube and da da da.

(20:09):
And I'm like oh really cool. And so is that all?
Mainstream. Does that mean honey, So I don't
know the icon. I mean, come on.
I don't know if it means a mainstream.
I was. I mean, I had for a while my
Instagram was blowing up and then I was getting 20,000 views
on every every reel that I posted.

(20:31):
And then Instagram took me down because this Trump podcast got a
hold of me and ridiculed the shit out of me.
And then wait, Trump, this Trumppodcast, there was this, it's
called Flecas Talks. It's like it's your right wing
podcast. They have a million and a half
followers on other episodes. And they got a hold of some
prolapse videos of mine and justshredded me.

(20:53):
And they're like, basically it was after my accident happened
and I was talking about how the fellow was losing part of my
identity. And they just like that.
And they just, Oh my God, this guy's so pathetic.
Yeah, he's like, he should kill himself.
And there's 1010 thousand tearing me up.
And I saw I didn't bother me butit but it got my Instagram taken
down. So it's been kind of a slow

(21:13):
build back up after that. So I love.
That their responses to take urine yeah like this is the
world we live in now it. Was really stupid if they
claimed that I was soliciting sex and I was like, I'm not
soliciting sex. If anything, this is kind of the
opposite. I mean it's it's talking about
sex people have already had. It's not trying to get you know,
I'm not soliciting sex. So that was a weird kind of

(21:35):
answer to why my Instagram got taken down.
They tried to say that one of the videos I posted with Tyler
Lake was with solicit solicitation.
I was like y'all are dumb. If it keeps them up at night,
let it keep them up at night, right?
Yeah. But it sucks because now I don't
have the, I post my post, my reels, I get 100 views.
I'm like, it's a kick in the balls.

(21:55):
Like that's kind of, it's kind of a segue into, I mean, like
my, the book I've been writing has been extremely cathartic for
me dealing with a lot of the, you mentioned post about family
stuff, boyfriend stuff and all this shit.
But the big, a big part of the book is what it's like to sell
yourself to the algorithm. The metrics really like hurt

(22:17):
when they don't, they don't comein when I, when I see the view
counts low. I remember what they used to be
And it's so it's, it's kind of akick in the balls when something
I post only gets under reviews or something like that.
Yeah, yeah, but isn't this part of what being like a horny
person online is, is a not about, but like you're it's
always a risk, right? Because you're always getting
cancelled by credit card companies and right wing idiots

(22:41):
and always like, or like, like, remember the time that X tube
got cancelled and it was from today to tomorrow.
It was just gone. And, and we're all like, Oh my
God, this has been like a sourceof my joy.
And then I've, I've just taken it out from underneath me and
not even said sorry and all my followers are gone.

(23:02):
How do I find these people again?
And then you just wait for the next platform to show up and
then, you know, you get your, your fucking Twitter profile
banned suddenly and it's the same thing all over again.
Like you're used to this I guess, right?
I. Mean not that I mean, they've
never lost my Twitter, thank God.
And it's the same account that Istarted with years ago.
I've had one warning, one slap on the wrist years ago, but I

(23:24):
make sure I mostly don't fight with anybody.
I don't call anybody names. And that's that's how that's how
that's how most people get theirshit taken down.
If they call somebody a name or they say something rude or mean.
And then it's like try to be as like, you know, normal as I can
on there without as normal as I can.
My page is not normal, not normal at all, but I'm sorry.

(23:45):
A couple more things now that we're on Twitter, a story,
because I think I I don't know if I've told it to you before
about my Twitter porn issue and getting fined by the German
government. That was a good couple of years
ago now, but did you? I remember that.
Right. That was I'll, I'll, I'll take
your listeners down, down that path for just a minute.

(24:06):
And then there was the second thing, Rex Wilde, which I really
want to talk about. That's like actually like apart
from apart from your, your sobriety latest and sobriety
journey stuff. I want to talk about him.
So I'll just mention that briefly as well.
So like one of the craziest things that happened to me in
the last couple of years was being fined by the German
government or having a Twitter account for porn where I would

(24:30):
share my own porn, right? They wrote to me like the, what
would you call it? The, the less like the consumer
Commission or something for the government acting on behalf of
the government was like, becauseof this law that was enacted, I
don't know, 100 and 5200 years ago, protecting child, children

(24:52):
from any porn material, any adult material.
Now we're applying this to just Twitter, not any other platform.
And we're coming after every single German creator that there
is. And I was like, they're not
going to, they're not going to reach me.
I'm not, I'm not a big name. I'm, I wasn't even making money
in porn at the time. It was just doing it for fun and

(25:13):
eventually I did catch me and they I got a letter from the
Berlin police and it was like you've been caught showing
images of so-called fisting. I I found the particular image
that they that they meant because they had like the date
and time that it was uploaded and I went and found it was me
like more than L like bicep deepin Nicholas Nicholas Contigli.

(25:35):
Yeah, and that's. Where I've been.
All the videos of you lately because I've subscribed to his
page so rest. In peace I.
Know. But it was this really, really
hot photo. He's on like his front just
lying flat on, on the, on the mattress and I'm like straddled
over him with my biceps inside him.
So that was the, it got me a €900 fine.

(25:56):
And then I thought about finding, I contacted a lawyer
and everything and it was just going to be too difficult
because she's like, you're nevergoing to win this in court.
It's in the name of protecting minors.
So, like, you're never winning this.
Never mind that, you know, they couldn't come after any content
creators outside of Germany. So that means that minors were
perfectly free to go and find content on Twitter that was

(26:16):
created by content creators outside Germany and made no
fucking difference. But I wasn't about to argue that
in court. So I raised the funds through
through followers online and paid the fine.
Yeah, but that's I mean, that's well in the past and that was
something that convinced me thatI should start adjust for fans
because like, if they're going to be catching me for this shit,
then I might as well so have. They come after you again since

(26:38):
then. Once, yeah, with exactly the
same letter but different time and date, you know?
And yeah, I didn't bother checking which porn it was this
time. That's so stupid.
It's. So fucking stupid.
Anyway, so then. Find you.
Hey, you have to. Pay the second find you.
No, they, they kind of, I guess they, they weighed up the two

(27:00):
and then they delivered the verdict that it would be €900 in
total, which is like three timesthe standard amount for one, I
guess one count that's. Really, really stupid.
It's like, I'm sorry that happened to you.
I. Mean, I guess it was it was a
reminder that I like the you know, the the long Dick of the

(27:22):
law will find you. That's very that's.
It's close to home for me too. But you know, all the all the
fetishists have left Twitter nowand I think the only reason I'm
I'm still on there is because I can't just I can't quite give up
the fact that I have a high follow account over there and my
blue sky profile just hit K. So yeah, I know it's sad.

(27:45):
It's like coming to a graveyard and like coming to Twitter these
days. It's just, I mean like.
I get more engagement on Twitterthan I do on Blue Sky.
I mean, I have like 50 times as many followers on on or, you
know, I don't know how many times more followers I have on
Twitter than I have on blue Sky,but I'm at 6000 on blue Sky and
155,000 on Twitter. So it's like I still feed both

(28:06):
beasts. I mean, my, my normal Monday and
Thursday routine is up to uploadtrailers to Blue Sky and
Twitter. And so I I still feed both
beasts, but it's like I don't get the engagement I get on on
Twitter that I do want. Jose my my extra issue is on
Twitter. I can't post anything X-rated
because the government theoretical come off come after

(28:28):
me again, whereas on Blue Sky I'm like taking my pants off and
getting my in the streets of like San Francisco at Dory Alley
Festival, you know? Did you go to Dory I?
Did yeah. And it is super fun and it's a
bit smaller than false and so itfeels a little less anxiety
inducing, a little less. Yeah.

(28:50):
Have you enjoyed it? I.
Love Dory Alley. It's like my favorite events of
the year when, when I can affordto go to them.
I mean, like there's so much fun.
I, I, I blast at them. So Dory was like always like
some dirty little brother. And so it was like I had a good
time. But the last time I went to
Dory, I remember feeling it was still, it was like heavily
policed, like you couldn't do sex in the streets anymore.

(29:12):
There was not really like as much crazy fun times happening
as there had been in the past years I'd gone and so, but I
still had a really good time. I went like last time in
20/20/2020. Oh my God no 28/19/2019 was the
last story I went to. It's.
Been a long time. If they they have this well, I

(29:34):
like I was kind of set on getting fisted in the street
because I think I had my prudishphase a few years ago members
during the the pandemic as well.That was like, I was like very
anti all these people that were partying out at the, you know,
in the forests or in the in the parks at night and all that
shit. And so I I kind of became a

(29:55):
little a little granny knitting at home.
And then I was like, we're goingto Dory alley.
I think I want to get fist in the street.
I think I want to like shake allthis shame off whatever.
But you know, and like the yeah,so I met up with some some fist
of friends and and I was like, so where does it happen?
Like where can I get fisted? And they're like, everybody does

(30:16):
it at the manhole, which is likethis drain in one of the main
intersections. And so I went there and
everybody's just like it looks like it's the it's this
designated spot that has been kind of ordained.
Like here you may fist and no, and I'm sure that's not true.
I'm sure I know for a fact that people didn't only do it there,

(30:36):
but it was like this is the place where we're not we're.
Going to look the other way. Yeah, exactly.
And I got to say, like, it should have been hotter.
It didn't feel as hot. I mean, it looks hot.
Like if you go on my blue sky, you can see me getting fisted on
the street. But it should have felt hot.
It should have felt more transgressive.
It should have felt like I'm going to get, yeah, I'm going to

(31:00):
get told off by by some policeman anytime soon.
And it didn't feel like that. It felt like I'm in, I'm in like
a little bit of a line. It's like, no, those four are
fisting right now. You can line up and I'm like,
and you can have your fist too. Just wait.
You're it wasn't quite that bad.That's an exaggeration, but
that's how it felt. It's just like, and then I'd

(31:20):
engage this one friend to to to piss me.
Locked FF pig, beautiful guy. We get along well, and we stayed
with him a previous time in San Francisco, but I think it was
all very like, OK, now you're upand he's like going for the, I
guess the showiness of it all. And I'm just like, I'm not sure
this is really how, this isn't what.

(31:41):
I asked for this isn't what whatdoes it say?
Be careful what you wish for himbecause it's not exactly what
you wanted. So, so tell me about tell me
about Rex, like what's going on with him because I have not
talked to him in a little while.Last time I spoke to him, it was
devastatingly sad. And if you want to kind of
update kind of people about whathappened to him and what the
what's the current situation that would be?

(32:04):
Yeah, so off the top of my head,like I've got some notes
somewhere, but I'm not going to search for them right now.
So off the top of my head, he's over the past like year and a
half, that's my understanding. He's been in and out of
hospital, had multiple surgeries, like 5 or so
surgeries. He just had a consultation with
his doctor the other day and I think he's waiting to get new

(32:25):
information on, I think, whetherhe can have another reversal
soon. So he, it's almost like he's
sitting in the same boat as, yeah, he's kind of sitting in
the same boat as you, but not because he's had all these
complications where you have not.
And I think it's just, it seems to be due to shoddy, shoddy
surgeon work and I'm sure a hugeamount of bad luck as well.
Like he's had he's had things stitched up again and then

(32:49):
they've had bacterial infectionsdevelop and so he's had to be on
antibiotics and then his immune system shot and then other
complications happen. It's kind of like it's making it
to like A2 procedure issue like back and forth and constantly.
So you can imagine like how depressed he is and his

(33:10):
relationship to his whole is of course.
Forever changed, yeah. And he doesn't know whether,
whether he'll ever bought him again.
And so it's, he's very disheartening.
And it's very, yeah, it's, it's very, it's heartbreaking to see.
I know I could. I cried my face off last time I
talked to him. It was just, I felt so bad for
him and just, yeah, I don't wantthe I, you know, Yeah.

(33:33):
I don't really have words for it.
It's just I felt, I feel for him.
I had AI had a really, I want tosay a phone call.
I don't think good is the right word, but it felt like I heard
about his situation. I've heard about, of course,
multiple times because you've seen it across social media
already from when this when things started to go wrong and

(33:55):
and he was he was asking people to donate to his go fund me,
which I want to direct people tohis Twitter page.
I think he's got a blue sky pageI'm pretty sure as well where
I'm sure you can find the link to his go fund me.
I highly recommend people donatewhat they can because this could
happen to anyone. Like I know for in his case he
was putting something we have without a base up inside of

(34:18):
something because his guts are so fucking big.
He can get something that's 15 inches in circumference lodged
without a base lodged inside like an egg and it just was not
coming out anymore and and that could happen.
I like a common reaction online which pisses me off no end is

(34:39):
well you should have been smarter and not shove something
like that up yourself. Who says?
Things like that, in moments like this, they're the correct
response. Not that, yeah.
Right. And also like where I find
myself saying this all the time these days.
We are crazy shit people. We do crazy shit.
We're built that way in our heads and also in our holes.

(35:01):
Of course. Like, of course, I've shoved
things inside me without a base and it's been fun.
So it just so happens that he, his hole is bigger than mine.
And so the bigger the hole, potentially the greater the
risk. And he got, yeah, I, he got
incredibly. It was bad, bad.
It was just a bad thing that happened.
Yeah, exactly. It was a bad thing that happened

(35:22):
to a really good person because he's such a doll.
He's like nicest person on the planet.
Every time I've ever hung out with him, he's always been so
fucking nice to me and got such a good presence about him.
And to see what happened to him,it was heartbreaking for me.
It was and at that point my accident hadn't happened yet.
And so I was just, you know, God, like if this ever happened
to me. And then it something similar

(35:45):
did happen to me. And so I, you know, not nearly
to the extent that he's going through, but I don't know how
can, how can people help him? Like what's?
What's the I? Mean people need to see
themselves as the community. I think that's kind of the crux
of this is if we are a communityand I have thoughts about that,

(36:05):
but but I think in in this instance kind of the global
fisting community could be called upon donate because he's
not able to pay his rent. You know, the money, like he he
was working in porn and that's in the past now.
And while he's injured, there's not really that much capacity to
change career at the drop of a hat.

(36:26):
You know, not to mention the depression.
Like I can barely imagine. Like what?
I can imagine, I can. I know exactly what he, I don't
know exactly because his injury is far more significant than
mine. But we've had this technically
the same surgery, a similar surgery at least.
And it's really scary to think about the rest of your life

(36:48):
without the thing that you love the most.
Right. It's yeah.
Really not a good feeling. It's not a fun and I still think
about it. I mean this and I'll tell you
about the the site. I don't think I've told you what
my prognosis has. That's what I.
Wanted to ask. Yeah, OK.
So, so with Rex like you can, you can join it to his GoFundMe.
You can find his GoFundMe link and I'll include is GoFundMe
link in the page here. I actually got diagnosed with

(37:11):
diverticulitis last year, which was kind of the precursor to
what happened to me. But what ended up happening was
that I perforated my colon through a diverticuli.
I had a weak spot in my colon where there was a pocket of
potential infection that had just developed because of
genetics. And a week before my surgery, my
sister actually had her entire colon removed.
So it was it was my my sister 1st and then me.

(37:33):
And due to the same diverticulitis?
Yep. Same thing, right?
OK. And so.
So I perforated through a diverticuli.
I got 6 inches of my colon removed, put back together, and
then I was supposed to go and get the reversal surgery back in
July. And the day that I was supposed
to have my surgery was the same day that the hospital system
went out of network with my insurance company.

(37:55):
So the hospital, the biggest hospital system in Florida and
the biggest insurer in Florida, are currently at odds with each
other and are no longer working together.
And so for me to get the same reconnective surgery with the
same surgeon, I have to wait until they work out their
contract dispute. And so I'm just sitting here
waiting with the completely healed body ready to get
reconnected and I can't because of insurance bureaucracy and

(38:16):
bullshit. But the thing that I discovered
was with my CT scan prior to my reconnection surgery was that
with diverticulitis has spread through the rest of my colon.
And so the typical course of action or the way that they
would correct it would be to remove the entire affected area.
I eat my whole colon and then sew me back together with an
ileostomy bag, which was anotherbag on the other side of my

(38:38):
body. And so my asshole shut.
And so I told my surgeon I was like, you know, if that's the
case, I don't want to have the surgery.
I don't want to have it. Rather just get as many years
out of the body that I have leftand then cross that bridge one
day when I get there. If I have to cross that bridge
one day, if I if I get in a car accident and die next week, at
least I didn't have to go through that.

(38:59):
And so that's in my future. And that's, I feel the ultimate
cosmic joke between me and Rex, like, you know, it's you know,
it's how are you going to give me this thing that's giving me
so much pleasure and giving me so much purpose in life and then
take it away from me? Doctor Shaka told me I'm going
to try not to have to do that, try to avoid it at all costs.
And but still, the, the, the chance that it happens is still

(39:22):
lingering. And so, yeah, it's that's very
stressful for me. And so my surgery was actually
supposed to be the same day thatmy ex took me to court for a
bogus restraining order I had. It's never some moment.
With you. No, bro.
So I was dating this guy, the guy that got me arrested when he
came in my apartment, got in a fight, whatever.

(39:44):
I had made peace with him and got him his job back, working
for my family. Like he's gotten sober.
And then he relapsed again. And when he relapsed, he was
putting my grandmother at risk. And so I called the police.
The police came, we got him out of the house and I thought I was
done with him. And then I got a restraining
order filed against me in Bostonand I was like, this is in.

(40:05):
Boston. In Boston, he moved to Boston
and filed A restraining order against me.
In Boston, I was like, I don't talk to you.
Why? Why are you messing with me?
And so he, I had to go to court the morning of my surgery and
then I went to the I won the case.
I didn't have, there was no, no grounds for restraining order.
And then I went to the hospital,found out that I couldn't have

(40:26):
the surgery done because the hospital was no longer in
network. And then a week later I got a
text from him that with the rosebud with a knife through it,
that he got tattooed on himself and said he'll always love me.
And I'm like, are you gonna justleave me?
I just leave me alone. I know.
I do know how to pick him. But I told him, I said, just
leave me alone. That's it.
I don't need it leaving rosebudsnothing like.

(40:47):
But at the same time, I remember, I don't know where
this fits into the timeline exactly, but I was probably
don't. I was leafing through your porn,
your website and I saw a couple of videos where to.
Call me out, girl. On my show, you're gonna call me
out. You called him something else I

(41:07):
forget, like Ghost. Fisting top.
OK, yeah, and I recognized his, the tattoos on his elbow.
You're the only person recognizethem.
I was like doing my homework. I'm like 1 + 1.
Let me go and take the other video.
Let me go and check an older video.
Clocked clocked well, I when I had for because he's he's the

(41:33):
toxic with good Dick and so I was just he came back in my
life. He apologized.
He was working for my family again.
He was sober and I was, you know, my fucking, his Dick fit
perfectly in my butt hole. So it was designed for it.
So I just couldn't say no to him.
And so I'm just, I should have known better.
And so we started fooling aroundagain.
And then she just got crazy withhim and, and those videos

(41:57):
stopped promptly. It was just, you know, I got a
phone call in the middle of the night that I was, that there was
people outside trying to kill him and my grandmother and I
was, I called the police, you know, I said, if that's true, a
I'm going to get you get this resolved.
And if it's false, then you're you can't handle working for my
family. Like, you know, you're in charge

(42:18):
of you're responsible for takingcare of my grandmother.
You're home health aide, her home health aide.
You can't be having meth hallucinations in the middle of
the night when my elderly grandmother needs your care.
And so that was the end of it. And and what?
Does your grandmother think? She still misses him, she wishes
that he would have gotten his shit together and wishes that he
would have gotten and gotten hislife together.

(42:39):
But he's choosing actively choosing to stay sick.
And so that's, you know, I empathize with drug addicts more
than most people do because I amone.
But I don't you can't put me in a position like that where it's
my the guy that I had feelings for or whatever was sleeping
with. But then you're, he put me in an
impossible situation. And so I put myself in an

(43:02):
impossible situation. So it was really just yucky.
But then I had the whole thing afterwards where he filed for a
restraining order against me that was just just to mess with
me. And it just so happened to be on
the same day that my surgery wassupposed to be scheduled.
So it was kind of a nightmare. It was that was the timeline of
events is that I was sleeping with him again after he made-up,

(43:23):
made-up made-up with him and I still have the hole in the
floor. I don't know if you can see it
here, but I don't know you can see.
I don't know if you can see. That I do not say that.
Wait, there's a hole in the floor?
There's a. Hole in the floor where he
picked up one of the statues anduh huh, threw it at the floor
and took a giant piece out of the floor.
I stuck a sticker over it for a little while that said I'm sorry
about your hole. There's a big donut.

(43:46):
But yeah, that's that's over anddone with them.
OK. And is he deported yet?
Not yet. OK, Not yet.
Well, yeah, I. I was.
I was. I was surprised that there
weren't like waiting outside of the courtroom in Boston for him
because, you know, it's just theruffling of the feathers of the
general United States. I don't know, it's just, I think

(44:08):
ice is trash. But at the same time, it's there
are some people that are are here just causing trouble and
like, he's here causing trouble and it is what it is.
And so I wish him the best. I hope he gets his shit
together. Hope he stays away from me
because I don't want to deal with any more that I mean, he's
showing me repeatedly that he's willing to toss me under the bus
and steamroll the bus over me over and over and over again.
So legally at least I remember when I got arrested, he tried to

(44:31):
tell the police there were drugsin the house.
When I was in court with him, hetold the judge that I was
selling drugs. I was.
This is not you can't do. You can't do this to me.
How? Much of this is psychosis
related. Yeah, I mean, I mean, it's all
and he can't, he wouldn't see itthat way.
So it was it was what it was. Yeah.

(44:54):
I can't have that toxicity in mylife anywhere near me anymore
because it's it's it was too dangerous for me.
I don't want to. I don't want to get caught up in
something that I didn't ask to be part of because somebody
else's meth delusions are. They can't handle their
delusions. It's too much for me.
Yeah, well, I'm glad you've drawn a line.
Yeah. I have, I had two.
I mean, it could have been, Oh yeah, I forgive you.

(45:15):
When he came back to me again and I was like, no, I'm like,
you know, my none of my friends.I wouldn't, I got, I got a
little bit of Flack from my friends when I let him back in
my life the first time. If I let him back in a second
time, my friends would probably crucify me.
So they're overhearing about it too.
So. That Dick's good though.
It was really good. That's what like I was telling

(45:35):
him, I'm like, you guys, you don't understand.
He laid it down. Don't understand.
So. At the end of the day, we are we
are men and we will chase the Dick.
I know. And that's what I was.
That was my excuse for a while. But then I just became, do I
want to chase Dick or do I want to go to jail?
I don't want to go to jail again.
I did that once already and I donot want to do that again.

(45:55):
So, yeah, not at all. Yeah.
And that I guess I don't know, that's sort of sort of brings
us. Yeah.
I don't want to go to jail againtalk.
I don't, I don't want to get. I just I was.
I don't need that kind of energyin my life when I have things

(46:17):
that are, you know, somewhat risky in my life still.
Like, I don't know, I just, I'm not super sober anymore.
I mean, that's like not a secret.
I haven't shield away from that on the podcast.
I haven't talked about being sober online in a long time.
I don't try to pretend I'm perfect.
Everybody thinks you're sober though, like everybody that I
met in America, when your name is raised, people are like, I

(46:39):
heard he's sober and I was like,I don't think so specifically.
He's just doing really well. I mean like.
My my my my things covering it Tay makes this kid a good Pearl
that's cute with my. Little cat in a cable.
So I mean, I haven't been shy about the fact that I'm not 100%

(47:02):
sober, but I'm also not struggling in the way that I
used to be where I was slamming at home every day, five times a
day. I'm not using by myself.
I'm not. I'm maintaining food and, you
know, sleeping and eating and boundaries and stuff like that.
I have a friend that I check in with regularly, multiple friends
I check in with regularly. If I feel I'm out of control, I
have somebody come over and literally babysit me.

(47:22):
There's been moments where I'm like, OK, I feel I'm a little
bit close to the edge. I need somebody to come and sit
with me and just make sure that I stay on task or whatever it
is. And I'm more honest about where
I'm at now than I used to be because I used to try to hide
the fact that I was using and that was just, I would recoil
and become a recluse and not respond to texts, not respond to

(47:43):
messages, and I answer my door and people would show up here.
And so I've stopped doing that. And I'm just, you know what?
This is where I'm at. I'm trying to have people meet
me where I'm at in life today instead of trying to pretend to
be something that I'm not. And the people that are willing
to meet me where I'm at today, I'm having a much better time
with them then I am. If I, you know, some of my old

(48:03):
sober friends are still willing to play with me even if I'm not
100% sober, which is great because I don't feel ostracized.
I don't feel excommunicated. I don't feel kicked out of
everything like and that's The thing is with.
The issue with the 12 step program is like they'll kick you
out, right? And then what's going to happen
to you? Like, that's right?
Without any support system in place, without you know, the the

(48:25):
people, it's hard to do it by yourself.
And it's, and it's, and when you're in this middle ground
where you're not quite sober, but you're not quite ready to
be, you're not quite, you got, still got 1 foot in one, one
foot out. It's that's when you're kind of,
I feel that you need the most support.
That's when the, when you're at the most risk of falling back
out of the, the, with the one foot that you have in, with both

(48:47):
feet falling out again, somebodyhas to keep you kind of
grounded. And I had a lot of people
abandoned ship and that's fine for their own reasons.
And but the people that stayed, that's shown me who my real
friends are and who really caresabout me as a person, not just,
you know, you know, I had peoplethat I used to be really close
with that didn't reach out to meonce after I got my accident

(49:08):
because they assumed that it wasbecause of drugs.
It wasn't. And so, you know, that was, I'm
just really focused on harm reduction than it am about
anything else. And it's really rooted in
honesty now. And it's, that's kind of where
I've been at for the last year or so.
And I did get a really cruel e-mail the other day from
somebody on the website that said I looked spent or something

(49:30):
or soul that I look sold. And I had to look up what that
meant. And so it was this looks like
somebody, it was like being in the context of this insult sold
means that you look dead in the eyes and did it and like all
this other stuff. And I was like, fuck, like, who
the fuck says something mean like that?
And I'm like, do I look dead in the eyes?
Like do I look dead in the eyes?Like I don't know.

(49:50):
And so, like I said, I know you're looking better.
Than I've seen you look in the past few years.
Well, thanks, because I feel better.
I mean, I got like I said, I'm eating, I'm sleeping, I'm just
working and I'm generally speaking much better than I was
last year. 2024 was a nightmare year for me.
And so 25 is. I mean, I was in the hospital

(50:10):
probably every other week in 2024 for something MRSA or staph
or some kind of bad slam reaction or something horrible
had happened to me, some injury it had and then the
diverticulitis, all this stuff. 2024 was incredibly taxing and
then so 2025 I was going to focus on solutions and getting
out of the rut that I'm in. And it's been a much, much

(50:32):
better year. I want.
To see, I want to ask you then about, about the kind of harm
reduction idea that you're that you're fleshing out.
I mean, is it something that you're fleshing out?
Is this like are you creating something alternative to the 12
step program that that you like some some kind of thing to be
followed? Is it that developed?

(50:53):
Not really. It's just that I want people to
know that just because that theyare not perfectly sober, that
they still deserve a place at the table.
They still like to be included. Like I have an episode coming up
where I'm going to be filming with the guy that it's going to
be an anonymous episode with somebody who's a pretty big time

(51:14):
drug dealer slash user that's also in the fisting community
that feels ostracized for his drug use.
While compared to me where people will come and play with
me and then not play with him because of his use.
And the the hypocrisy of that ofthe community's treatment of me
versus other people or other people and other people.
I just think that it's really unfair to say that the people

(51:36):
that are still using or are are using recreationally or
occasionally don't deserve a place at the table and deserve
immediate ostracization forever.I think that that's kind of
bullshit and unfair. And it's not because I know for
a fact a lot of the people that are doing the ostracizing are
not sober themselves. And so it's there's this line of
unfair unfairness, the way that people treat people that are not

(52:01):
sober. And it's, and I think that there
are bad, there's bad, there's bad sober people like this.
There's bad and there's bad sober people.
And so it's like, I don't think that it's really necessarily
fair to put everybody into one category and say that all these
people are not deserving of time, of love, of energy, of
play, of whatever. Because I think that's bold.
I think that's how that's how people stay sick.

(52:24):
Sure. It's it's, I mean, it all comes
back to shame, right? Like being shamed by anybody is
not OK it's not what we're about, right?
And that's why with 12, so go. Ahead, sorry.
Well, with 12 step, it seems to be.
The crux of it seems to be revolving around shame.
Yeah, like I can shame you into not taking anything.

(52:48):
Yeah, and then the shame. The.
Yeah, the walk of shame, when you come back and you have to go
up in front of everybody and everybody claps and hugs you,
it's a really awkward feeling. I write about that in the book,
about when I was forced to do what I consider my worst walk of
shame, which was when I was at my old apartment or my old house
in Fort Lauderdale. And I, I had to go up and, and
say that I have been using in front of my landlord and my

(53:10):
landlord was in the room and I had to go and admit that I'd
been doing drugs in his house that I had rented from him with
him on property. And I'm, and I was shamed into
doing that by somebody that I had really trusted.
And I just felt like a piece of shit.
And it never made me want to go back to, to do another one of
those. I don't want to go up there.
I don't want everybody to hug meafterwards.
I don't want that. So it sounds.

(53:31):
Almost like almost religious, you know, like these ex gay
ministries, how they're like that they claim to cure you and
then yeah, they're, they're like, they're like hugging you
and as though you've been exercised or something.
It's like. I don't know if this is the last
time I'm going to use. I don't know.
And, and one day when I get to that, when I cross that bridge,
I mean, I was definitely at thatpoint when I went to treatment,

(53:53):
when we were filming the thing before the record, I was 100% at
that point. I was done with using.
I was really done. And then stuff just happened.
Life happened and things changedfor me and it's been a journey
to come back. And so I don't know what it's
going to take for me to get to that point again, but I'm not as
miserable as I was back then. And I'm not, I'm not miserable

(54:13):
really in general. I'm pretty like, OK, right now.
So I'm like, I'm happy. I mean, I have the, all the
things that I want, all the things I need.
I'm, I know who my friends are. I know who the people who care
about me are. And I have my family, you know,
the ones that care about me, actually really care about me.
I was other thing you said you wanted to ask about that was my

(54:35):
family mad at me for writing Assuming what they're making
assumptions about what my book will be about.
There's 50 chapters. 2 of them revolve around my family.
It's not about them at all. Have they read the book?
No, they've seen, they got they,they, they think that they know
what it's going to be about. They've preemptively warned me
through my grandmother that theyplan on filing a lawsuit against

(54:57):
me for defamation if I go through with it, which.
Which members of your family is this?
My mother and my sisters. OK.
Yeah, yeah. So all my sisters and my mom and
so and probably my dad too, if he ever gets a hold of it.
But it's it'll be bulletproof before it even comes out.
So it's, you know, there won't be a leg to stand on for them.
It'll go through a legal review before it gets published and

(55:18):
it's but it. Must suck anyway, like having.
Like, yeah, they just, they would rather me continue to
suffer in silence than process my childhood trauma.
And so that's what they would rather just be able to say that
the family was perfect, everything was fine, then then
have to take a mirror to themselves and go, what did what
was my part in Ryan's fucking troubled childhood and the way

(55:38):
that his behavior is today? Like, what did I have to do with
it? And so they just want to blame
me, as, you know, I mean, it's much easier for me to be just
their gay porn star, drug addictbrother than it is for me to be
an actual person for them. And so with feelings and with
history and with, you know, there's consequences to the lack
of action from them and things that you know, it's all in the

(56:01):
book. But I mean, 2027, it's all in
the book. Right.
It's like it's all in the book. Just read the book.
Exactly. But that must suck for you
because these are these are important relationships in your
life. Close relationships right as it
familiarly like they're the closest.
They're only they're only in thebook for two chapters because
they've only been part of my life for about you know, they've

(56:23):
never been a part of my life really.
They've been ancillary kind of moons to my Earth.
And so I've never really been close with them as.
Opposed to your grandma. My grandmother, who is I'm very,
very close with, right. So she's and my portrayal of her
and my portrayal of the rest of my family is very different
because it is very different to me.
It's I'm with my grandma every fucking day.

(56:45):
Every day, Yeah. I mean, yesterday I was, we were
supposed to do this yesterday and I had to she's I need you to
wash my dog. I need you to do that.
I'm, I have an interview. But she's like, but nobody's
going to wash my dog. I'm like, fine, let me see what
I can do. So it's little things like that.
I mean, she can't do anything for herself anymore.
So I I'm the only family she hashere.
I take care of her every day, which has also been a way to
keep me accountable so. Yeah.

(57:08):
His bottom line with the with the harm reduction thing is I'm
OK, hey, right now. Yeah, I mean when you when you
describe it like that, it soundsnice and boring and I love that.
That's kind of boring. And then I wonder why I do it
sometimes still, too. I'm just like, why am I doing
this? And I'm not really having any
fun, extra fun. Then you know, what is, what is?
What's the point? But that's the bridge I still

(57:29):
have to cross. Yeah.
And and it never ends right. It's not really just.
And on your family, it certainlysounds like just the way you
describe it, the IT sounds like they've got a lot of unpacking
to do. Yeah.
And they're not willing to do itand I am.
And so that's where I think there are, there are, are miss
are miss. They think I'm spinning a

(57:50):
narrative is what my sisters have told me.
They're like, we're standing there.
I'm like, well, it's not really spinning a if it's just my, it's
my life. It's what's happened to me.
So I'm. Trying to think about that like
I have one sister right? But I can't imagine there would
ever be a time where she would she would be so against
something that I've written about the family.

(58:11):
It seems quite bizarre, like I'mtrying to imagine, but I can't
really. But it like it sounds like, I
mean, do you still have time forthem?
Is that something that you'd be willing to unpack with them
together? I.
Tried. I mean, that's The thing is that
I tried. I went to them because I started
researching what it meant to be,I was born after a miscarriage,
right? So I was born after my mom had
carried a baby to full term and that was she lost the baby.

(58:34):
So what I started researching kind of for purposes of the book
of writing about some of my childhood trauma, I started, I
discovered this concept of a rainbow baby, which is basically
a baby born after a miscarriage.And there's a lot of expectation
put on this baby that it's goingto be everything that you
thought that that first baby wasgoing to be.
And when it's not, the pressure that you unconsciously the
mother and father put on the baby throughout his entire life,

(58:58):
hers or her entire life is really an unfair expectation of
what they want it to be. It's so I went to my sister's
with this kind of idea about, hey, you know, this is kind of
I've framed my life kind of it'smade me kind of look at my life
in a different way that maybe this expectation that my mom is
always felt disappointed in me. My dad's always felt abusive to

(59:18):
me. Maybe this was partially because
I was born after this miscarriage and that there was
maybe, you know, an unconscious,I don't know where pressure that
they put on me to be something that I wasn't.
And they shut me down so fast. They were, this is just you
spinning a narrative. This is you putting it, you
know, and I'm well, no, there's actually research and data
behind this that that proves that this is something that's a

(59:39):
common thing. There's a term for it.
And they shut me down and told me to just basically be quiet.
And, and I was, no, I'm not going to be quiet.
I'm going to talk about this. This is important to me.
And so it's important for me to process and frame my life in a
way that makes sense to me, thatI can make sense of what has
happened to me and why I am the way I am.
And so the fact that they all mysister told me I'm just, she's

(01:00:01):
like, you're just like your father, which is the biggest
insult to me. And my other sister told me I
was spinning a narrative. And the other one told me that I
was, she's never going to stand by me saying anything negatively
about my mother. And I was like.
Wow. OK, all three of you silencing
me as best you can. So it was, it was a tough pill
to swallow, but I swallowed it and I moved on.
And my I told my grandma and my grandma's like, just make sure

(01:00:23):
that book is bulletproof. And I'm like, OK.
But she's she's she's she's the only one.
I mean, I offered all of them copies and my, my grandmother's
the only one that took it and read it cover to cover.
OK. She asked me.
Yeah. She's like, what's fisting?
I'm like, she's like, it sounds horrible.

(01:00:44):
Where do I try it? Oh my God, no, please God no.
Well, you guys, this is big Episode 48.
If you are enjoying the show, weare on YouTube, Apple, Amazon,
and Spotify. Video episodes go live on
Spotify as soon as I'm done editing them for the week,
usually on Wednesdays or Thursdays.
Video episodes go live on hungerff.com and Just For Fans
slash hunger FF at 8:00 PM as well as audio across all

(01:01:06):
platforms. Jazzmatazz and you guys also
make sure you just follow and watch such fun of this season
and every other season. And go to
justfans.com/jazzmatazz. Where?
Where? You'll find more about more of
your stuff on You're on Blue Skyprimarily now blue.
Sky primarily, yeah. I mean, I'm still hanging on
Twitter for the main for the meantime, but yeah.

(01:01:29):
And soon to launch jazzmatazz.com.
Yay, relaunch. Are you guys relaunch or
relaunch just like it's? It's it's, I don't know yet.
It's gonna be OK. I think there needs to be a hard
launch. Yeah, I can feel it in my womb.
Yeah, whatever. I do to help support you like
I'm here for you like whatever, whatever I.
Can do to. Help.
Yeah. And we'll include Rex's link in

(01:01:49):
the in the bio for the the episode as well.
Beautiful. So.
All right. Thank you so much, dude.
I'll see you guys next week. Have a good night.
Take care. Thanks for going deep with me on
Hunger FF Presents Prolapse. If you're loving the ride, hit
subscribe, drop a review, and share the fisting love.
Follow me on social media at Hunger FF for unfiltered updates
and exclusive content. But until next time, keep it

(01:02:11):
raw, real, and always hungry. I'll see you on the next
episode.

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Episode 48: Life, Lust, and Letting Go: A Raw Catch-Up with Jazmatazz

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