Episode 62: Jake Rockard: Work, Chems, Fisting, and the Manchester Underground

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to Brolapse, the fistingpodcast that goes deep explore
my life, views and raw, unfiltered conversations with
the creators that are redefiningkink connection in the fisting
community. Hey guys, welcome back.
We're here for another episode of Brolapse and this is episode
62. I'm super stoked as I always say
about every guest, but I am veryexcited today to have Jake
Rocker on the show. Welcome to Brolapse.

(00:23):
Hi, thanks for having me. Yeah, of course.
You're coming all the way acrossthe pond.
So where are you from? Where I'm from is a loaded
question. Where I'm living is Manchester.
Right now we're just outside of Manchester.
Nice. So that makes sense.
I mean for those of you guys whoare listening and not watching,
he's got the rubber flag behind him.
So Manchester rubber, rubber scene is really big in
Manchester, right? Yeah, yeah, it's huge.

(00:43):
To be fair, we do rubber weekendevery year and it's really,
really popular. Always wanted to go to
Manchester Rubber weekend and I think you know what, I was
supposed to go during COVID. It was like I had the trip
planned and then COVID happened and so I couldn't go.
But I'd definitely make it out there sometime.
Say COVID kind of killed everything kinkwise for me
anyway. It was a little hard to get kind
of back into the swing of things, but I'm I'm back in the

(01:05):
swings. It would appear you are too.
Oh yeah, no, definitely. I found a lot of experimentation
during COVID, which is great. I have discovered cruising
during COVID, which I probably shouldn't have done, but I lived
in the middle of nowhere. Like I think COVID even got to
us. Yeah, cruising is one of those
things that I've, I've never actually met it.
It's like I'm so I feel like so awkward and nervous in real

(01:25):
life. Like cruising to me is just like
so foreign of a concept. I can never get it like, right.
I'd rather just get on scruff and be like, I'm in a bath house
and I'm like, I'm just gonna geton scruff and like see like
what's up? So I'm really excited to have
you on. I've been a fan for like a long
time. We were just talking before we
started filming about that. What your the viral video that
you filmed that I like. Yeah.
I've watched like 1000 times. If you guys know Jake, you know

(01:48):
the video. It's recognizable.
Yeah, I'm just going at it. Being faced the whole time, it's
super hot. So you start with the basics.
So for those of you who are listening who maybe don't know
who you are from online, like how do you describe who Jake
Rocker is and what you do in theKing community?
Oh, Jay Rockard is a brand as a person always evolving.

(02:10):
Definitely. Because like if people Remember
Me from the early days when I was, I think I was Bara boy or
Bara baby on Twitter, I was likethis chubby bear sort of using
dildos out of his room. And then it evolved into being a
scally lad and a chav because I'd lost a bunch of weight and I
was really skinny and Twinkie. And that just hit right with me.
I was really into chaps at the time.

(02:30):
And then I sort of just discovered more and more because
I was bottoming a lot back then that like I was really kinky and
I like, it wasn't just like tabsand PVC and stuff.
I started discovering rubber andlever and then, yeah, I
discovered fisting. And as the brand progressed,
like I just, I realized I reallylove fisting.
And ironically, as much as I bottomed so much in my past, I

(02:50):
actually prefer to be a top. So I'm like full fisting top.
I guess it's what I bring to thecommunity is I'm the service
top. Sign me up bro.
Coined in Gran Canaria is Manchester's best fist.
And I was like, OK, yeah, I'll take it, I'll take it.
I don't like to brag, but. I I love that.
And it's. So did you start off?
Did you, were you a fisting bottom at first or did you did

(03:12):
you immediately drop it? OK, yeah, I was.
Fisting bottom at first, like I had this whole I'm actually, I'm
actually thinking about writing a book about it or doing like an
only fans like podcast series orlike video series about like how
to get into fisting as a bottom when you are on your own.
Because I actually started fisting myself and I was fisting
myself for about a year or two before I actually started

(03:32):
playing with people. Just didn't really trust anyone
to put something that big up there.
So yeah, I would like put a mirror at the end of my bed and
like lay on my side and I would just keep going at it, keep like
stretching, using toys and my fists.
And it got to the point where I developed my own technique where
I put something into the point where it was kind of unbearable

(03:53):
as I, oh, this is a bit too much.
I hold it there and I'd sort of squeeze myself around it and
hold that squeeze for as long asI can until my muscles fatigued.
And then when I released, everything would go in further.
And that's how I managed to get the fisting like very quickly.
And I use that with my my Subs and anyone like this now into
this technique around like they'll get to that point where

(04:13):
your knuckles are there and they're like, oh, I don't think
I can take more. Like, let's breathe, let's stop.
I won't move anymore. Like just squids for me.
And it works 100% of the time every.
Time I'm getting hard talking about it.
This is great. It's a, it's a good technique.
I mean, I've done a little bit of that myself in the past and

(04:35):
it does work because it's it's, it's also like helps you kind of
get over like the mental hurdle too, because when you know that
you know this thing is mental. And so the mental hurdle seems
to be like what stops a lot of people from from.
Progressing it's but The thing is, the mental part is such a
useful tool and resource to have.
That's something else that I'll do is I always make them close
their eyes and actually try to visualize their whole and

(04:59):
imagining it open and as they'rebreathing, it's like picture
actually opening and it will work.
They they will, they will open and you slides right in.
They're like, Oh my God, it's in.
This is insane. I'm like, well, yeah, because
you you, you willed it into existence, which sounds like
corny, but it's true. That's.
Great and that's like that's a really that's that's the sign of
like a talented top that knows how to like coach your bottom

(05:20):
into being able to super, super hot.
So you've said you've always gota lot of finger.
You said that you it's always caught your fingers in a lot of
pies, which I find, I find my. Fingers and all my things.
What? Are those pies right now?
And which one is feeding your creativity the most?
Oh, so right now is Bump, my app.
I was wearing my hoodie, wasn't I, before we jumped on, But I

(05:42):
got to show the logo because I'mreally happy with the logo.
I designed it. So, yeah, this is this is Bump.
My app is a little guy using hisphone.
I know, so creative, but that's a it's a hookup, which is like
an alternative to other apps that are out there that people
may use. You know, the ones that charge
you ridiculous prices and flood you with ads.
We don't do any of that but that.

(06:03):
Is name drop here? Grinder is a money pit.
Yeah, it is. Well, I mean, I don't know, I
don't really want to bad mouth them too much because I might be
in hot water with them recently.I don't want to.
I don't want to. Mention that you can say it, I'm
not saying it, but yeah, those, those apps are they're expensive
and they flood you with ads. And so we decided a bit like
early Mark Zuckerberg, I will never run ads.

(06:24):
I'm going to stick to it. I'm not going to change my mind.
I won't I won't sell the people out.
So, yeah, we don't run ads on our on our service and we offer
like a Pro subscription, but ourwhole business model is we do
not sort of mess with the user experience to sell you Pro or
like Pro will give you like readmessages, access to more
filters, stuff like that, Ghost mode, so you can like view
profiles and no one knows you'velooked at them and you can see

(06:45):
like who favourited you and stuff like that.
But we would never be like you have to pay Pro so you can
scroll more. No, no.
I've heard I've heard that developing an app is like a
nightmare. Like the app development is like
developmental health like. So.
Kudos to you for doing that. Well, I don't have to deal with
that side of stuff. I just deal with the marketing
and designing it and making it look all pretty.

(07:07):
There's that famous like TikTok of like designers versus
programmers and they're like designing the buttons and it's
all like serene classical music.And then it cuts to the
developers and they're working like crazy.
Is literally, I literally sit there on Figma designing it
being like, oh, Button would look really nice here and then
like my developers are going crazy.
So like another thing to add. Well, it's my creative, that's

(07:27):
my most creative outlet today. I've been animating because I
all our adverts have been sort of like cap cut designed sort of
really basic models like we don't use templates, but we're
inspired by other stuff. Whereas I want, I want to have
like an animation. The next advert, it'll be out by
time this comes out is kind of an animated pair of fingers
walking on a screen and it's scrolling and it's going to be

(07:49):
like unlimited scrolling free. So yeah, that's what I've been
doing today. So yeah, I'd say Bump is my
biggest creative outlet. Next to that is my, it's just my
pawn in general. I run a studio called Roll Paw
and it's all bear based fisting and hairy guys and bigger guys
in general because I feel like twinks get too much attention
and that's not there. And yeah, that's, that's, that's

(08:12):
great. I mean like I I'm all about body
all inclusive body representation.
Yeah. Yeah, it's like that's really
great. I don't know if I've seen, I'm
sure I've seen some of the clipson online.
I was I was doing my homework onyour on your stuff before before
we did this. The only video we've got so far
is the pinned one on my on my ex.
Which is. Trailer with I think it's FF.

(08:34):
I'm going to get this wrong now.Is FF London bear I think or
London I love? Him.
I love him, yeah. He's great.
And so I did this video. It was really fucking hard, like
fisted him, got a massive toy inside of him.
I love when you get a big toy and someone you can proper belt
it and you didn't dump. I love doing that.
And then a piss. Piss fucked him.
Pissed inside him, fist pissed him.
So is this This is a new if it'sa new studio like it's a new new

(08:57):
project? Yeah, yeah.
So it'll be hopefully more stuffcoming out.
It's just finding bears that want to be on camera and want me
to fist them has been a bit morechallenging than I for.
I know a lot of bears that are into fisting in the UK, but not
a lot of them want to do the sort of kinky level of porn that
I do. Well, like I said, I mean, I got
to get my ass over to over to Manchester you.
Truly do. You can stay at the dungeon.

(09:18):
Don't don't pay for a hotel. You can stay at my dungeon.
You sleep in the cell. Amazing.
Nice fuck bench here for you. I'll sleep in the sling.
I'll sleep. I'll sleep in a cage.
I'm low maintenance. Well, we have like a full prison
cell, like that's one of the things we have with like a bed
and a toilet and everything. So yeah, it's fully carried out.
We could make it a hotel, but I think it's just the landlord

(09:40):
doesn't like that idea. Yeah, so you've got the the
studio, the app and the website.That's a lot on your plate.
But it's not all of it. I also direct porn for Hung
Young Brit and Ro Rd. Nation and I'm actually about to
launch a new magazine for sort of people who are like I say,
bodybuilders. I guess it's just anyone that
he's like Jim passionate. It's going to be called Titans.

(10:00):
It's an online magazine because I did have a magazine all
dedicated to fisting fetish and everything that was called
triple exposure and it got shut down because of the new UK law
about IDs and protection. And I could not afford the
biometrics verification stuff, like it's just too expensive.
So I had to close it, which is ashame.
But we had five magazines under our belt so I was quite happy

(10:21):
with what we had. And I'm going to be launching it
as an actual book soon so peoplecan pre-order in and buy the
book. So.
That's really cool. I'm like, I'm super impressed
because I, I, I love how diversified your, your brand is,
like how many different things you're doing.
Like, because I know I can relate a lot.
Yeah, I can relate a lot becauseI'm doing like a little bit of

(10:43):
everything to myself. And it just keeps you engaged
with because, because a lot of times you can burn out so fast
doing content, content, content content.
So it's a got some other projects in the in the mix that
makes it a lot easier. To Yeah, well, I'm truly a
workaholic and self confessed and quite proud of being a
workaholic. A lot of it stems from because I

(11:04):
was a big. Can we talk about cams?
I'm assuming what I was talking about cams, yeah.
Yeah, I talk about cams all the time.
So yeah, I was a big chem persona few years ago before my my ex
who sort of I moved up to the north wave and stuff.
I was a big chem person and thatwas kind of my whole life.
And it was great because I couldfilm a lot of content.
You know, chems keep you awake, they keep you in the mood, but

(11:25):
they're also really, really bad for you sort of moving away from
them and getting away from them.I had to replace it with
something. So just work.
And it became just a habit that I really enjoyed.
I do love to work. So I like the outcome of getting
to see the things you've made and you've built.
You know, it doesn't mean that I'm completely sober.
You know, that I'm one of those people who's like, oh, not, you
know, I'm not going to preach about sober mentality and

(11:46):
lifestyle because it wouldn't betrue.
You know, I've, I do have hiccups and stuff here and
there, but I actively make a point to not fuck with my
progress and my productivity now.
Like I know that if I do tea, I'm signed off for a whole week
of recovery and mental health and all this stuff that I cannot
get back into productivity. I don't go to the gym, I don't
eat. I don't want that anymore.

(12:07):
So, you know, if I'm a party, someone offers me a bump, like
it's a little different, but youknow, I won't go out of my way
to actually do chems. Now I find that it really does
fuck with a lot of things, Like my work comes first and I'm very
into my work. And I think that's human.
I think that's like, and that's something that like chems are
something that I talk about semiregularly on the show because I
feel like there's such like a, there's a, there's a warranted

(12:29):
stigma, but there's also kind oflike an unfair exclusion of
people that partake. And so it's like, and so I don't
like the idea that the people that recreationally dabble in
chems are like ostracized from the community.
Like I feel like. That that to me is like, it's,
it's, it's, it's counterproductive to like
getting people well again, it's like, you know, they need to,

(12:52):
you know, they need to be included or whatever.
So yeah, actually, I have an upcoming episode of the show
that I'm doing with a guy specifically about his
experience with cams in in the community and his ostracization
from the community from it. So.
Yeah. It's, it's, it's, it is what it
is. It's like, But what I said in an
earlier episode of the show is that I feel like everybody
deserves a seat at the table, regardless of.

(13:13):
What? I agree.
Yeah. No, I actively encourage chem
use like amongst friends or anyone.
Like I don't actively encourage it, but it's more a case of it's
not my job to tell people to come off them.
And it's not my job to like, I, I, I had people telling me to
come off them for years and to tell me to slow down and I
didn't listen to them. I had to make that choice my
own, you know, like it's, it's, it's going to be your own

(13:34):
decision. So like judgment doesn't help
push you in that direction. You know, no one's ever been
like, I'm going to sober up because everyone is judging me.
It's, it makes me double down ifanything.
So like, I won't actively be like, Oh yeah, smoke that pipe.
I don't want to be one of those people.
But like if someone said to me like, oh, I do cams, is that OK?
I'm like, well, don't do that infront of me and.
Like don't fall out. You know, I try not to play with

(13:56):
people who are on cams. Sometimes they don't tell you.
And that's the thing that pissesme off more.
I'd rather people tell me, oh, yeah, I just did it like a shot
of G before I got here. So I can, like, tell you.
You know, it's about consent andsafety.
But if you'd like starting out with my fist inside you and
you've not told me that you've done something, that's when I'm
angry because it's like, just tell you know, I'm not going to.
I'm a judge. Right.
Yeah. And that's The thing is people

(14:17):
are afraid of judgement and so they don't share.
And there's so many easy ways around like asking that
question, I mean like beforehandand just negotiating and
communicating. It's all it always boils down
just communication at the end. So yeah, that's what leads to
play, is when people can't communicate, yeah.
For some reason people just havea hard time communicating.
Like it's like, I've never, it'slike.

(14:38):
Tell me about it. It's crazy.
So you are Manchester based, as we've said.
So what's the fisting scene likethere?
Is it more underground or has itbecome more of its own, kind of
like big community in Manchester?
It's interesting. So there's no like real
dedicated fisting spaces or clubs or events that happen.
There's the odd few things that do happen.

(15:00):
It's definitely more. Manchester has always been one
for clicks and groups and and stuff like that.
Like London is a very big lonelyplace and so everyone sort of
just fucks everyone and you do your own finger in your own
world. But like Manchester is very
community based, as always has been.
And so little groups of like guys will come together.
They'll play though experiment, they'll figure out who they

(15:21):
like, who they don't like. And then they form their own
clicks. And like, if you want to be part
of those clicks, it's not like you have to go to an event with
them. It's more a case of like just
have a hookup and then they'll be like, oh, come over, like
I've got this guy coming. You'd really like them.
And that's how it sort of develops and you grow.
Whereas it's that's kind of foreign to me because I normally
only really fist when I'm on camera for like movies and when
I'm doing like private play, it's normally when and I've been

(15:43):
like a chill and I'm in like Amsterdam or I'm in Cologne or
Germany or like a Berlin or something like that.
You know, like it's, it's not sooften that I actually play for
fun in the UK. And so like when it does happen,
it's interesting to see what clicks have already established
themselves and people that I know who are in them.
I only recently got added to a WhatsApp group, which is like
all Manchester fisters and there's people in there I didn't

(16:04):
even know you're into fisting. And then like we've got China.
Yeah, you should come over and play.
And I'm like, well, I've got my dungeon.
So I try, and I'm trying to build that sort of thing of
like, it's going to be clicks. I want it to be everyone's
involved, not just like, Oh yeah, you can't come, you can
come. My dungeon is for everyone if I
wanted to be. So I'm thinking about doing an
event at some point soon. It's the logistics of doing it
that's the hard part, you know, making sure no one dies by

(16:25):
slipping over on the Lube on thefloor.
I know it's wild. You have to have like, you have
to have like waivers and stuff like that.
If you do like in a big event, like an actual event, like the
waivers and stuff you've to sign, you know, I remember I had
a friend of mine that did an event a couple years ago that
had like slings on a dance floor.
That's like he wanted like, and it was like, I was like, bro,
I'm like, aren't you nervous about like the J Lube on the

(16:47):
dance floor? And like people like fucking
falling like and like hurting themselves.
People don't think about necessarily all the logistics
that go into planning a big event.
Like, well, my biggest anxiety about doing my own event was
actually the cleanup. And me and X Loop have a really,
really good working relationship.
We don't talk all that often, but we do talk.
And as I showed you this before,my little bottle covered in X

(17:08):
Loop stickers, but I hit them upand I was like, I've got this
massive anxiety about the cleanup for this event I want to
do and I'll plaster your name everywhere.
It's only going to be X Loop that's at the event.
So like, how do I clean up the Lube?
And it turns out bleach, like household bleach, which
dissolves it instantly. And I didn't know this, it just,
it turns it, it turns it into water.
It just goes like water. It's it's crazy.
So I tried it for the first timewith a friend who's at the

(17:32):
dungeon, doused it in bleach, left it 20 minutes, came back
and it was mopped up with paper towels and it was gone.
It's completely mind blown. It's amazing.
Yeah, because cleanup is the worst.
The fun's over. And it's like, you know, like
it's the rat rat. You got to do all the the grunt
work at the end. It's horrible having to clean up
the loop, especially when it's like it's all sticky and it's

(17:53):
trying to dry, so it gets reallycongealed.
But yeah, bleach, apparently bleach is the way forward and
that comes directly from X Lube itself.
So yeah. And.
Good. To.
Know. Yeah, well, that's that's the
thing. Now I know that I'm like, and it
works. I'm going to do an event at some
point. I just need to find the time.
Like that's one of my biggest issues with fisting in the like
community in Manchester is I am always busy and I know

(18:15):
everyone's busy, but like I'm sobusy that I never get around to
doing the things that I want to do.
Like I'd love to fist people more.
I'd love to play more. But, you know, I'm 20 miles
outside of the city center, so it means getting in and then
like when I am in, it's making sure people are available.
So it's just, and then, you know, I'm taking days off work
or projects that I need to do. So yeah, it's becoming harder to

(18:35):
actually do the things I want todo.
But that's my 2026 resolution isI'm going to start playing more.
I want to start doing more fisting for fun.
Good. That's a healthy work life
balance, man. Like that is something that I
struggle with myself and like, what's that?
I know work life balance. What's that?
It's like I have to like get fisted as often or more often
than I get fit, like for fun than I do for camera for me to

(18:58):
like because for a while I was only filming and only, only only
fisting when I was filming. Yeah.
And then I just started, I started kind of resenting it a
little bit. I was like, this is not really
like, it's not really like, it just felt like a grind so.
Yeah, I'm glad. No, it really does get to you.
Yeah. Same, like bottoming on camera
and being a bottom. It's got to the point where I

(19:20):
wasn't enjoying bottoming. It was the idea of bottoming
which was hot and I was enjoying.
I'm doing this just for content and I'm not even enjoying it
right now. I've spent so much time prepping
and like traveling here and I'm squeezing my hole around this
top Dick so he can come and I'm not enjoying this.
This is not comfortable. It's the realization of like,
oh, maybe I should stop filming so much and actually start like

(19:41):
fucking. Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, and that, and then when you're actually having a good
time, it translates. Like we said earlier, like
before we started, it's like when when you're having a good
time in a scene that you're filming, it translates almost.
It's it's so obvious when the guys are really having a good
time and they're not like, Oh yeah, just doing it for the
content. Yeah, yeah, no, definitely.

(20:01):
And I love that. I did that in Gran Canaria
recently with, oh, I'm going to fuck this up now.
I think they're just called likeFFUK guys or something on
Twitter. The Polish dude and Mancunian
dude. One's really tall, muscular.
The ones short and muscular. Is it fist fist lovers, DP or

(20:23):
whatever? Might be.
Oh, I can never remember their username.
OK, I know their real names, butI know that they're not like
they don't use their. Yeah, but I had them at the
party with. Do you know Georgie MITF?
Yes. So they he hosted a party and
they were there and it was the first time meeting them and
like, we really played and it was such a good time and I

(20:45):
realized like none of it. Like I got some clips and stuff
and we did make some movies, butit was a lot of fisting and then
fisting me just for fun and it was just so enjoyable.
And I I thought to myself, oh, Ican't wait for next year so I
could do this again. I had to remind myself why I can
do this whenever I want. Why into my head that like I
have to wait for a Gran Canariannext year for this?
Like, I've got a dungeon, that'swhat.

(21:08):
I say changing. That mindset I've got.
I've got a dungeon and sort of adungeon.
It's more of like I call it a studio, but it's like my my my
play space in my bedroom is I don't know if I did I send you
pictures of it. Have I surgery pictures of.
It I think you did. Yeah, it looks really cool.
It's really like, it's like neon, like I call it like the
well, do you know, do you know who fitness Poppy is?

(21:28):
No, I know who Poppy is the singer.
So fitness Poppy is this guy. He's big lives down in Miami.
We've been friends for years andhe called my house the Prolapse
Palace. And so like, oh, I'm.
Stealing that. Sorry, he called it the Prolapse
Palace. So I have in big like pink
marquee letters Prolapse Palace on the wall.

(21:50):
Oh, that's so cool. Oh my God, why did I think of
that? That's so cool.
Damn it. That would make such a good
brand. Yeah, it's really fun.
It's I'll take, I'll say I'll show you some more pictures of
it later when it's absolutely. I want a passport that will get
me to the. Product you have a standing
invite. I have to get my own store a

(22:11):
parka, I really do. You say it again.
I need to get my ass to America.I keep meaning to come over.
It's one of the things that it'son my bucket list to do,
especially work wise. We're going to try and bring
bump to America and right now we're just tackling London, but
we want to come to New York is where we want to go first.
But hit me up with your recommendation.
Where's kinky? Where do people play?
Where do people pie? You know, like.
No for. Sure it's where you are.

(22:33):
Fort Lauderdale's got an amazingfor, we call it Fort
Pfisterdale. It's got an amazing, amazing,
amazing, amazing fisting scene down here.
There's so yeah, I mean, there'sa fisting party happening at
least like once every night. It's.
That's awesome. It's a really big community.
And the cool thing about the community here is that it's it's
almost entirely sober. Like there's there's very, very
few chem focused fisters. It's almost all all of the the

(22:56):
the real community here is all in recovery all like it's all so
much. It's like it's it's and they're
really because you know, what's funny about sober sex is that it
actually happens. Yes, yeah.
So you've said that when people show you photos, memories flood
back. Oh yeah.
So oh, wait, sorry, I skipped a question.
Reverse. All right, so you mentioned this

(23:18):
was a crazy story you told me the other day.
You mentioned breaking your backand living with anesthesia.
Anesthesia based amnesia. Yes.
Something you're comfortable talking about.
Like, how did that experience shape your relationship to life?
Like sex? Yeah, like.
So it's, it's a crazy story, to be honest.
It's hard to remember all the details correctly all the time,

(23:39):
but essentially I, it happened and I lost a bunch of weight
through an eating disorder and the, my spine decompressed so
badly that like one of the discsslipped And I didn't really
think much of it, had some surgery for it.
And they were like, turns out you have this disease in your
spine where all your discs sort of free float and it's just
going to get worse and worse andworse.

(24:00):
So like be careful about like knocking your back doing heavy
lifting and that's OK. I didn't think much of it.
I decided to go up Ben Nevis in Scotland and I stupidly fell
like 30 feet. It was like, it was, yeah, it
was quite far and landed on my side and basically like popped
out two discs at the same time. And yeah, I got taken to

(24:20):
hospital, had surgery. It was sort of, it was fine.
And then a while later, I poppedanother one, but was in hospital
again, had another surgery. And when I came out of that
surgery, a hematoma had formed in like, the space where my
discourse. And so they were like, this
isn't good. We need to get you back into
surgery. But because the timing was so

(24:40):
close between surgeries, they didn't do the anesthetic
properly. That's basically what they told
me. Yeah.
I got anesthetic poisoning. And now I can't form memories
properly. There's a lot of clouds and fog
in my memory when I try and think.
So I forget a lot of stuff. And yeah, I'm trying to remember
things is really difficult. But if people show me photos or
they describe like the time we had, it will literally flood

(25:02):
back to me. And I'm like, wow, wow.
Yeah, I remember. It's crazy.
It really is crazy. It's always great when it
happens. Happened with my friend Benji
the other day who hit me up on Instagram.
We haven't spoke in 10 years. I was like, why do I recognize
you? And then he sent me photos and
and was telling me stories. I was like, I remember this.
I remember this from 10 years ago.
It was brilliant. That's really fun.
It's like it's under a veil and then like the veil comes.

(25:23):
Off yeah and it makes life exciting but it's also really
frustrating because people will like I had to set like 5
reminders to remember to do thistoday because I kept forgetting
even today when I woke up I was like Oh yeah I've got this to do
this to do and they popped down with podcast hunger FF and I was
like oh shit yeah what time is that?
Is it one o'clock 6:00 and I hadto look through my calendar and
find. And then I was late, as usual.

(25:44):
I I, I don't think there's ever been a single episode of Burlap
that I actually managed to make it on time.
For SO I thought I was special. I'm like fuck, like I'm always
like I need like 20 because you know, I'm I'm like you, I'm
busy. I'm doing a million different
things. And so sometimes they run late
and whatever. So I really appreciate you
taking the time out of your schedule because you.

(26:04):
Are so I've wanted to do this for ages.
You saying you've been a fan of me?
I've been a fan of you for so long.
Literally when you message me and hit me up because I
initially thought you wanted to do a collaboration.
I thought you were in England. And I was like, Oh my God.
And then I didn't reply to you because again, I forget.
And my friend hit me up and was like, oh, someone I really want
to film with his hunger. FFI love him.
I was like, he's messaged me. Oh my God, he's messaged me

(26:27):
replied. And I was like, oh, I've got to
do whatever you want me to do while doing because I'm total
fangirl. And now we're like besties.
Yeah, exactly. I feel like I've known you
forever. I mean, it's like this is kind
of like my I joke around and saythat this is kind of like my way
of like my in with certain content creators that I want to
like get to know a little bit better.
And like, it's, it's a great wayto like have a conversation and
like, get to know you guys, get to know you better and like, and

(26:49):
then eventually, hopefully one day, you know, put your, put,
put your hand in my ass. Put my hand in your ass.
Your head too. That works too, so.
We got English. Everyone says that like I appear
really intimidating. The amount of guys that
literally will talk to me and they'll say to me, I thought you
were going to be an asshole. You look really intimidating.
And I'm like, really? Is that the vibe I give?

(27:10):
Did I give you that vibe? Did you think I was going to be
an asshole? No, I never, I thought you
looked incredibly sweet. And so like, because even like,
yeah, I think you have, you havea sweet face and like, you know,
you don't strike me as intimidating, but I know that I
think it's just our personas on the Internet, like, like they
project an image of, of confidence that I think is

(27:31):
intimidating to some people, like.
Yeah. And so, yeah, Eddie bribes is
like that. So like a Colton, bless him.
He's like so lovely. But he in all his photos and
videos, he looks so angry. And then you meet him and he's
like a big puppy and he's he's such a sweet.
But I think it's definitely in the face, like it's going back
into the people think I'm going to be an apple.
I can't do like whenever I do photos anywhere like I can't do

(27:54):
like the sexy like smouldering face like do you look?
So skinny, but I smile. All.
The time that's good. Smile is good.
Yeah. Popular video.
I'm smiling away. Yes, exactly.
I remember when I worked for Raging Stallion years ago, they
were told me that like, you havetwo faces, you're either smiling
or you look tired. And so I was like, OK, so I'm

(28:17):
going to kick the tired look. I'm just going to smile for
photos from now on. So I envy those that can do the
sexy Teddy price face. So like.
I think I think bound eagles definitely one who's got like
the he's mastered his sexy face.Who's that?
But you know bound eagle, Is it bound eagle?
From from so many graders now. He's like livery, he's gorgeous.

(28:40):
Like he's amazing, but like he'sgot the sexy face down to it.
Absolutely. Like he'll be laughing and
sliding that photo and he's likeinstantly he's got it down.
And I want to do that. But I find myself when I'm
taking photos, I'm like trying to find the right angle.
Even for selfies anymore, like Itake a video and then I just
take a screenshot from the videobecause I'm just like, maybe?
You're so similar. We really are.

(29:02):
So since this is a fisting podcast and we've talked about
fisting, you know, throughout the show so far, but like, what
was your first experience with fisting like?
And like, you know, you told me a little bit, I don't know if
that was before or after we started filming, but when did,
when did you first start exploring fisting?
Good question. The the real fucked up answer is
I was very young. I was younger than I should have
been and I was with a friend and, and we were doing stuff and

(29:25):
he just slipped it in. We were doing stuff for a few
hours just like, you know, building up more and more
fingers. And yeah, he just, he slipped it
in and I was like, Oh my God, this is really painful.
This is too much. Did it a few more times.
It was alright. And then I didn't touch fisting
for I was like 20. Yeah, for about.
There you go. It must have been eight years
after that, so. Oh wow.

(29:46):
OK. So yeah, I was pretty young when
I first tried and yeah, it was complete accident.
I didn't even know it was a thing that you could do.
I thought that like, Oh my God, I've just hurt myself because
that's not normal. And then, yeah, that eight years
later, I picked it up again by just using toys.
So I just want to bigger. I don't know what it was.
I turned into a right slut during COVID.
I just want bigger and bigger things inside me.

(30:09):
COVID saw like it was like 20/17/2018 fisting started kind
of getting more popular and then2020 hit and it's like we were
all stuck inside with nothing todo.
Would fuck up our butt holes. And so, yeah.
No, it was crazy like I and The thing is I was going through
this transitional period where I'd lost all this weight.
My ex-boyfriend at the time, he just broke up with me.

(30:29):
That was a whole thing that was that definitely pushed me
towards the slightly sleazy sideof stuff, which is a lot of it
was out of spite and revenge because he we were together like
4 years and I adored him. I thought he adored me.
He was a selfish prick like theyall are.
And yeah, he, he liked bears andI was big when I got with him.
And then I lost all my weight inmy eating disorder and I went

(30:50):
down. I was 24 stone and I went down
to 9 stone in a year. I don't know what that is in
pounds, but that sounds small. So I think it's the equivalent
of like 240 lbs down to like maybe like 100.
Like, yeah, it was I, you could see all my bones.
Like there were photos of me. I will have to send you one.
Like I was super. It's like completely gone like

(31:13):
really skinny. And he didn't like that.
So he, he left me. He cheated on me with, with
another bear who ironically, he recently, very recently cheated
on that bear with someone else. And me and that bear have become
like best friends. Oh.
My God, we are the same person because my my.
Do you have this experience dude?
OK, I my this experience, I don't mean to cut you off.

(31:33):
I'm going to tell you a really fast story.
I'm going to to keep it really brief.
No, go for your. I dated somebody, I dated this
guy and you know, it's obvious. Everybody knows Julian Torres
and I were boyfriends for two years.
We were engaged by this huge theatrical engagement.
And then we broke things off andhe got immediately with Alex
Tikis and made it made me out tosound like the villain and the

(31:56):
monster on this story. And they like vilified me in the
in Twitter or whatever. But then, but then he did the
same thing to Alex when he movedon to the next boyfriend.
And so Alex, Alex comes to me and goes, I think, I think we
can be friends. Yeah.
So we we trauma bonded over it. And then I actually went on
their honeymoon trip together. Like like their honeymoon that

(32:17):
they had planned because they also got engaged.
We show up to Mexico and it's like, congratulations, Julian
and Alex. And I'm just like.
Oh, you are wild. I know it was crazy so, but
yeah, it was very similar story to yours.
It's so similar, like, so I'll give a big shout out to Rogue
Cup on Twitter. Who is the guy that he basically

(32:39):
he and the best part is he didn't know, but my ex had been
cheating on me. He told this guy that we broke
up and he just thought that I was like an obsessed stalker
that couldn't let my ex go. But it turns out, you know, I
was still dating him. And then they actually did break
up. And yeah, he got with him, but
it turns out he'd been cheating on me.
And then he did it all again to this guy.
And I was like, I'm not going tosay I told you so because that's

(33:01):
horrible, but it ain't you. You're not.
The problem is this guy, he's, he's just serial.
He literally, so he did it to his first boyfriend with his 2nd
and then his second boyfriend with me, and then me with Rogue
Cub and then Rogue Cub with thisnew guy.
And I'm just like, what? He's with this dude.
My life, man. I mean, that is literally
verbatim what I went through with my ex.
Like verbatim he's. Crazy.

(33:22):
It actually is crazy. So yeah, on to this.
This is my memory now. I don't remember how we got into
this. I don't.
Remember how we got under? This Oh yeah, I'd lost weight
and yeah, I was, I'd lost weight.
I was really skinny. And so I just out of spite,
because I knew that he saw my Twitter and I knew that he saw
me online and he's he's a bit ofa spiteful person.
I was like, I'm going to be a slag because he hated that I did

(33:44):
only fan stuff when we were together.
It was mainly just dildo videos.And so I just really put my my
back in there and it became likean actual passion.
And then my first ever collaboration.
A big shout out to them is the gay naughty Welsh on Twitter.
The two boys, they are amazing. And they took me to a little hot
tub villa in the middle of a forest one the evening.
And yeah, it was so hot. Like they fucked me open and all

(34:07):
this cum game pouring out of me.At the time I was so
embarrassed. But then I look back at the
content and I was like, this is really cool.
This is hot. All I could do is for a living,
the rest is history. I just started filming with as
many people as possible and thenI met like fisting porn stars
like big hands FF who I was chatting to of today.
I absolutely love him so much. Genuinely, while my favorite in
the world. That's why I played with that
time off when I went to time off.

(34:28):
Really. My date to time off, yeah.
Oh no, he is amazing and he's down for anything.
So like he, he's very stuck in his ways that he will experiment
because he's like, I put a toy and two fists and that's me
experimenting. Like baby, I've got this
flashlight that's like a pussy flashlight.
I'm going to stuff that in me and you're going to fuck it.
And he's like, oh, that's hot. I've never done that before.

(34:50):
I'm like, that's experimenting. Baby, Hi, you're.
Wasted motherfucker. I don't love it.
I know I truly am. I really AM.
So that's so hot. That's, that's really awesome.
You've worked behind the scenes with studios and advocated for
performers, which I think is really admirable.
So what do you think the industry still gets wrong about

(35:11):
fisting content? Like do you see?
I won't name names, but some of the studios that I work with and
because it's not all just hung in Britain, roared nation.
There are other ones that I workwith and I do consultancy work
with because they want to know. This is the ironic thing.
So it's not going to sound believable because people will
look at me, me online in my presence and they'll be like
Jake Rock card 80K and you really pull this many strings.

(35:32):
It's like I could have quadrupled the numbers if I
focused on it, but I put my attention behind the scenes.
And so because of that, I don't the outward numbers to show that
I'm as popular or as famous as Iam, but I am.
And it's because I'm working behind the stage, not on it.
And so companies will come to mebig names, and they'll be like,
what works, what doesn't? You know, I've got a reputation

(35:52):
enough that they can ask me. And a lot of them, I'm like, you
need to make a fisting video or like do this or this or this.
And I will suggest this thing because kink content, it sells.
Clearly there's a lot of an interest in it.
And so many studios will turn around and be like, no, there's
no, there's no fucking and there's no come.
And those are the two things, the two main ingredients that we
need to make it sell. And like, that's those.

(36:13):
Yeah, those it's not a cake you're not baking like you don't
need those ingredients to make it work.
And they truly a lot of studios do truly believe if unless there
is penis in whole, then it's notgoing to.
And so it's trying to change themindsets of these companies and
these studios and being like fisting content doesn't need to
have an end. It can just stop.
You know, like people will wank to the bits that they like.

(36:33):
They'll goon over parts that they really like.
There are whole parts of videos where I'll just those 30 seconds
that that's the bit that's captured my attention and I'll
sit there reminding and then I'll I'll blame my load to it.
I don't need to see how. Yeah, yeah, a lot of companies
will see it from a, from their sort of selling point of view.
They're like the marketing pointof view.
They don't see it from the customer's point of view.

(36:54):
So I consume porn as much as I make it.
So. Yeah.
And. If they if they took like half a
second and looked at like what like the top ten just for fans.
Performers are like like it's all kink.
It's all very niche. It's like rope train keep.
I'm trying to think of some of the other ones, but there's like

(37:15):
it's a lot of niche kink stuff that's like doesn't happen.
Beginning, middle and pervert media is probably another good
example. Like it's like, you know, they
it's out-of-the-box stuff. I think is there's a bigger
market for it than I think big studios want to, Yeah, admit, if
that's the right, yeah. And I think that's where there

(37:37):
are some creators who really break the mold with the
creativity. So like one of my close personal
best friends that I've not spoketo in like 5 years actually the
best. My God, yeah.
He like, he will fist with, like, UV ink and stuff like that
and use these insane toys. He was actually one of the first
porn stars I ever worked with inLondon doing a fisting shoot

(37:59):
with Matt Spike. It was called Stains.
It's such a great movie. If you want to go watch it on as
I'll send you a copy. It's such a great film.
But it got to the movie where him and Yoshi Kawasaki are this
like, slurping up the Lube and then spitting it into each
other's holes and then pushing it out all over their faces.
And we were all stood back like all the other porn stars were
stood around the room just watching like, because I've ever

(38:21):
seen anyone that dirty before. But it was amazing.
It was so amazing. And so like, he's someone who
really breaks the mold. I always recommend people who
work in studios like, oh, we need something with edge.
I'm like, go look at these people.
Look at like gunge videos and stuff.
Like they're so niche but peopleconsume them like crazy.
I did a gunge video one time. You're gonna have to show me
love gunge stuff. It was my very first Do you know

(38:44):
who Rubber Rob is? Yes, it's, you know, Rubber Rob.
So Rob and I, Rob Robson and I are really close friends and so
like. Brilliant.
Yeah, so he he got me into we did like this, like we got like
a kiddie pool and like like neonpink fucking gun and like filled
my ass with it and like sprayed it in slow motion every all over
the place. It was really hot.

(39:06):
It was. That's really hard.
My biggest challenge of 2025 hasbeen trying to find like a like
a kiddie pool that's just all black so it will fit the
aesthetic of my dungeon because I don't really want to have like
dinosaurs and like in the middleof the studio.
You're just going. To end up having.
It finds one. Please send me a link.
Yeah. That's true because I know that

(39:27):
I had to get the one that I bought was like it was pink, but
it came with like floaty toys too.
Brilliant. That's Joe.
That's that's someone else. What was his name?
He's I think he's German. He's got a shaved head and he
pushes out like the American football and he uses all the big
stallion toys. Is he active something?
You know what I mean? He always, I think so he's he

(39:49):
calls it's got like a mare pussyand I think it's active stallion
or something like that. OK, but he always pushes out
like toys and he will take his toys to the base and inside.
You should never do that, you know, technically, but yeah,
like, you know, I do, I do that.But he he does that.
It's impressive. And he'll push them out like
with such force. And then he'll put things like
American football toys like squishy plushies and stuff in

(40:11):
his hole and but shoot them out.That stuff is amazing.
It sells so well. You do it tennis balls and
stuff. I think there's old videos of
him doing. That was like tennis balls and
stuff, crazy. Can you imagine the friction and
croquet balls, things you shouldn't put in there, like the
weight of them? I'm just like, that is
brilliant. I know, you know, I have a
video. Like it was like I did a video

(40:31):
with Gage Linux years ago where we had like we had like a dish
brush. Like it was a dish brush.
It wasn't it wasn't a toilet brush because toilet brush is
hurt and I'm not a masochist or so it's this soft headed dish
brush that's like super felt like a little kind of like
massage. But that video, because it looks

(40:51):
like a toilet brush is like infamous and I'm just like no,
like I kind of regret putting iton the Internet because I feel
like it's set like a bad example, but like it's like my
most downloaded videos that I'vethat I've put out so.
Yeah, unfortunately that's one of the things that with porn,
and especially in fisting, because fisting always goes hand
in hand to pardon the pun. We have like, just like other

(41:13):
kinks in general. And it's the same with like,
like Pink National Treasure and myself, like I've got my big
horse dildo and and stuff. Anytime we ever use stuff like
that, it's I'm not doing it because I'm trying to fantasize
or make a fantasy come true. I'm not into that stuff.
But I like size and I like length.
But I know for a fact that it goes out on the Internet and

(41:34):
there are people who watch that because they're into that stuff.
And it's the same with the. Toys Brush.
There are people who are into that whole subculture of a kink
and I'm very aware that like I'mI just try not to think about
it. Yeah, yeah.
I'm like the ancillary, like I'll like dabble and tease on
that type of stuff, but it's like it's not my go to.
I just like straight up. I mean like I'm a 1 trick pony.

(41:55):
I just love fisting so much. It's like I'm very easy.
I always joke around that like if I date somebody, like if they
have a lot of boxes to check, I have like 1.
If they've got like they've got all these kinks, I'm like OK,
but I'm like you put a fist on my ass.
I'm pretty, I'm pretty much pretty much happy.
Yeah, I think for me it's just have to be open to kink.
Like anyone. The next person I date, they
have to be like, they have to beopen to kink.

(42:15):
The amount of guys I've got on dates with, and then I'm like,
Oh yeah, I'm into rubber. And they're like, I don't think
I could be into that. And like, rubber is the baseline
of King. Yeah.
It's like the aesthetic, you know?
Yeah, it's before you really getinto anything else.
It's like that's the, that's is the.
So safety, consent and fisting gets talked about, but not
necessarily always modeled. Well, what does a safe fisting

(42:38):
session look like to you, especially in a kind of hardcore
Kingston? So that's one of the reasons why
I'm not a massive fan of fistingat events because like, as much
as I love Darklands and like, like massive shout out to
Darklands is that you can't hearyour bottom when you're playing.
It's too loud. And for me, when I'm fisting,
even if I've got music on, it's low enough that I can still hear

(42:58):
them. If you can't hear your bottom,
then you can, you're only doing 50% of what you should because
you should be talking to them and listening to them.
Yeah. So like if I, if I'm in a loud
environment, I put my fist in someone and it's too much or too
deep or I've hit a wall and theyjump, that is that's only 50% of
me knowing what's happened. You know, I need to be able to
hear them be like, oh, that's too deep.
That's too so like, not like I would ever get to that point

(43:20):
anyway because you do not begin by just shoving it straight, but
so many people do and I think a lot of inexperienced people do.
And so that you need to be able to hear them.
That's what makes it safe. Also, just visually, if your
bottom looks like they can throwtogether a sentence like their
jaws like all over the place, they look too high or too drunk,
you don't go there. There's like a level, I'm not
going to be hypocritical and saythat like, oh, I never play with

(43:44):
someone if they've had a drink or I've never played with
someone if they've had a cams oranything.
Like it happens if we don't livein some utopian stupid world
where people are always high in my immorality wise, it happens.
We like I've played when I've been on cams.
I played with people when they're on cams.
Like it does happen. You've just got to use your
judgment. It's called common sense for a
reason. And like if I don't think

(44:05):
someone can consent and they're not all there, then like I will
not go there. And so, yeah, I just think that
that's the whole safety side of things.
It's like you need to look and you need to listen.
Right. And even on the opposite side,
like, I mean like as a bottom with the tops that I'm playing
with, it's like if you're too drunk to drive, you're probably
too drunk to fist me. Tempted the scenery.
Do not operate the scenery, no. Yeah, because a crash could

(44:27):
happen and I am not interested in another one so.
See, it's hydraulic and you do not operate these hydraulics.
It's and that's true. It's like I I've had experiences
in the past myself where I've then was someone who seemed too
far gone and I just ethically I couldn't.
Yeah. I can't, yeah.

(44:49):
Can you still put my? Yeah, and so it's like I'd
rather take care of somebody andnurse them back to health and
fist them while they're G out inthe G hole because that's just
feels rapey and gross to me. So.
Well, I, and that's the thing, I've been on that, the opposite
end of that. That was one of the worst
experiences I've ever had as I woke up to someone fisting me
and there was so much mess and blood and it was so traumatic.

(45:11):
I would never put someone for that.
I could never subject someone tothat.
It was something it took me a while to get over.
It actually impacted me more than I thought it would.
And I actually covered it up with a lot of like different
things and like threw myself into my work, my relationship at
the time and stuff. And I didn't really address it
for a long time and it was more traumatizing.
I would never subject someone tothat.
Like it's consent is key. And it's not just this thing

(45:32):
that I think, I think for some people, they just say it and
like, I don't want to be shady, but some people do just say it,
I think because they want to appear outwardly moral or like
superior in some way. It's just a, it's a law.
I think it's a law. Consent is key because it's the
right thing to do. You know, you know, like I say,
use your judgment. Like I'm just like, I guess I'm
very real with this stuff. It's like, use your judgment.

(45:54):
If you don't think someone can consent, if you can, if you
can't sleep at night knowing what you've done, then you know
it's wrong. I know that I want to be able to
look at myself in the mirror afterwards and know that I did
the right thing, you know, and that's, that's not the kind of,
you know, user addict, whatever you want to call it.
That's not that. If that's the scene that I'm in,
that's not the type of person that I want to be.
So yeah. And I, I'm and so many guys

(46:15):
eroticize that. And I just, and I find it so
infuriating as like a survivor of sexual abuse as a kid.
Like I hear things like that. It's not hot to me.
It doesn't do anything for me. And it kills a vibe for me if
somebody's talking about things like that in sexual way.
I'm like, like, I don't like, I don't like this.
I think unfortunately where we we do split off a little bit in

(46:35):
our in our differences and similarities in the sense that
some of my like ways of dealing with traumas, but they've become
fascist to me in ways and there's a whole levels of it.
But I'm very, very happy and so grateful that I'm able to
actually delve into my personality to figure out where
things come from. Like consent, non consent is
something that as me as a bottomanyway, just like I would never

(46:57):
want to do it as a top. It doesn't really give me
anything as a top. I've role played in the past,
but like it's a bottom, it's a, it's a big thing for me and it's
only because like of stuff that's happened to me.
So I think it's my way of dealing with it.
But again, the thing I said about feeding things, I won't
actually feed that anymore. Like it's a more you feed it,
especially when you use things like cams, the more unstable you

(47:18):
become and it's like you're not actually dealing with it.
You're you're feeding it, you'remaking it bigger.
And so like, if you recognize that you've got like a kink
that's developed from trauma, it's not a shameful thing to
like feed it sometimes or to like delve into it.
But like, if that's all you're doing, that's how people get
addicted to chems, That's how people get addicted to fisting
every day or how they get, you know, like it's yeah, you've got

(47:39):
to be have some self reflection and any perspective and
understand like where your kinkscome from and why you have
things, you know, for a very long time.
I mean, it is something that I have never really talked about.
This is the first. It's like I was very much into
like post breeding and stuff as a bottom for a long time when I
especially when it sort of came around when I was on chems in

(47:59):
London specifically about five years ago.
And it was something I really didn't.
I didn't really see any wrong with it and I played with it.
Role play wise. It was not something I actively
chased, but role play wise it was very, it did something to
me. It maybe it turned me on.
And when I really delved into it, I realized it's this shame
that I have this sort of feelingof how lucky I was because of

(48:20):
the abuse I went through as a kid and the amount of abuse I
went through, I didn't actually get anything.
I'm very lucky to not have anything.
I think my brain's way of dealing with it when I was off
my face based on on drugs was like, you should fetishize this
thing because you feel guilty. And now I'm aware of it.
It's not something that like I want to do anymore.
And I'm very painfully aware of like the insult to people who

(48:41):
didn't want to die, you know, like, I'm very aware of the
communities that are affected byit, still affected by it and
people who didn't want to lose their lives.
And I'm fetishizing it because Ican't get over my trauma.
You've got to really work on yourself, really.
Do I think. And that's there's no shame in
talking about it either. I'd probably get a lot of heat
from the people saying, oh, it'sinto pulse breeding.
I'm not. It's more a case of I know where

(49:01):
I'm from. I know what, you know, pain I've
been through and how my brain istrying to do that and I won't
feed it. I won't feed that anymore.
You are very self aware and it'sit's thank you.
It's really amazing hearing you talk about that and verbalize
that in a way that makes sense. It's it's very you're very
insightful. I kind of think to a very, I
won't go into what it is, but I have a very rare, unique and

(49:24):
serious mental illness which notmany people have.
I actually only ever met one other person with it.
And yeah, like I was forced to talk about things.
I was put into therapy and I've been observed and made to
observe myself for a long time. And if I hadn't have done that,
I'd know what actually happens when I don't do it.
You, you go crazy. And so now I'm the best I've
ever been. There is one of me and that's

(49:45):
it. Like, you know, like I, yeah.
And the best I've ever been. And it's all from communication,
reflection. And it's hard.
It hurts. My God, Like having to look back
on your life and try and figure out what you're into.
Like, you're into some like, sleazy thing, you know, like, I
don't know, like, I can't think of something off the top of my
head. Like Paul's play, I guess.
And it's like trying to figure out why you're into that and
then realizing, like it you're not actually into it, Your

(50:07):
brains trying to deal with something and you're using it as
a justification to do chems and stuff coming through that is
really painful. But you're a better person
because of it, because it's not something I actively do anymore.
I won't encourage anymore, you know.
I think I needed to have this episode.
I needed to film this episode today because I needed to hear
this part. OK, good.
Yeah, I mean, I'm good. I just, you know, I think I

(50:29):
needed to hear this. It's just like.
Yeah, yeah, well, people should self reflect and especially if
you're going through something with chems, it's definitely one
of those times where being high,actually it's probably the come
down is the best time for you toreflect.
Don't sit with the the standard,you know, cliche emotions that
you get, which is like sadness, depression, delve into the other

(50:51):
side of things. You know, like some people take
like mushrooms to like expand their mind.
A calm down is just as much a mind expanding, you know,
because you feel all those really into arose and pains and
you reflect on all the horrible shit you've said and done.
You run with it as if you can stay away from the fire and you
don't do something stupid and let it consume you.
You can really run with and likefigure out a lot about yourself.

(51:12):
Yeah, I actually wrote, I don't know if I told you this or not,
but I finished writing a book earlier this year and a lot of
it I wrote. A lot of it I wrote during come
downs. Yeah, like, like examining like
what I was that I just did. Like I stayed hours on a webcam
site or I had like, you know, whatever experience and like

(51:35):
takes apart what it was that I was feeling in that moment.
And it feels really, it was super cathartic, super
cathartic. To to yeah, it's, I don't know
how it feels. Yeah, yeah.
And, and it's also like, I feel like I should add, there's no
shame in like in realizing that sometimes you will never really
truly get over things. Like, you know, I can get high
and delve back into some of these really dark.

(51:56):
Like how would you describe themtopics, I guess, or like kink
plays or. Taboo.
Topics, taboo kinks, Yeah, it's taboo kinks.
You know, you can like, you know, I'll get high and I can
find myself slipping back into them.
It's, you know, a case of like having that self-awareness, you
know, like I think it's about quantity.
You know, if it's something, if that's something you're giving
and feeding every day, then that's when it's dangerous.

(52:17):
But like, you know, I, that's why I work so much.
I don't want to be high because it fucks with my productivity.
I don't want to be high because it will take me to a place where
I'm like not taking my prep in my dungeon getting loaded by
like any random guy I can find online.
That's not healthy. I'm aware of that.
You know, like so like, I will not put myself in a position to
become like that anymore. You know I'm proud of you.

(52:37):
I'm proud of you too. Like it's really, it was not the
direction that I anticipated this episode necessarily going,
but I'm really pleased that it did because.
I always want to be fun on stufflike this and it never is.
I always go to a really dark place.
No, no, no, I appreciate it because it makes me feel seen
too, because I go through the same things and so and I think

(52:58):
that other people that are listening also go through the
same things and there's not enough conversation about this
type of thing to make people feel that they're not so alone
in their. Experience.
So yeah. I kind of want to wrap up there.
Yeah. So where where can people find
more about you on the Internet? Plug your plug, your just for

(53:21):
fans and your Twitter and your studio and your all of it.
Just go for it. So, so if you want to get on the
app, it's bump guys.com and you can find the like Google Play
and Apple links there to download.
You can just search me on there and talk to me directly.
Like I will reply to all my messages on that.
It's a new service. So you go get your name.

(53:42):
You know, you want hunger FF as your as your name.
Go get it. Yeah, yeah, I should lead with
marketing wise like we're so new.
Go get your name before it gone.So yeah.
And then you can find me by Googling me.
Jake Rockard. It's spelled ROCKARD.
No, HI. Wish.
In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have done because a
lot of people do Google Jake rock hard.
Yeah. And my just for fans is Jakey

(54:05):
Wakey 0, which is my old, old onstuff which I never changed
around. And then my only fans and
Instagram is Jay Rockard. I think my Twitter X is at Jakey
Wakey 0 yeah. I'm going to go through your
link tree or whatever you got posted and steal all your links
so I can post them in the bio onthis on this.
Script. No.

(54:26):
I do have a link tree so it is it is somewhere.
I think it's on my Twitter actually.
I'll find you. I'm usually pretty good at
tracking this shit down. It's about my book, The Porn
Stars Field Guide, which is on Amazon now.
I don't like this book enough. Hey, another author.
I love it. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm doing. I look handsome in my little
photo. Oh my God, I love it.
Hey, wait, wait. So here's here.

(54:48):
Oh, we got your book. Oh, can you get it on Amazon?
It's not. It goes in print next year.
So this is just like a proof copy, but it's, it's still an
editorial. I've got a publisher I'm
hopefully working with that is navigating the editorial process
with me right now. So it'll be either self
published, published next year. I need a copy.
I need to sign coffee because over in my see my we're not

(55:08):
actually in the dungeon over anyone could tell my my study
right now. I have these big bookshelves and
I have every gay queer media thing known to man.
So like I need I need a copy of your book for it.
I've got like 6 proof copies so I'll send you a copy I'll send.
You. I would love that.
I'll send you a copy of mine. Mine's not as thick as yours,
just really thick. Mine's just like this little

(55:30):
field guide for wannabe porn stars.
I had a lot. I have, you've had, you've had a
lot of trauma. I've had a lot of trauma.
And so it's like it was unpacking a lot of shit.
So it was, yeah, really good forme.
So. Well, that's actually inspired
me because I do want to write a book about the things I've been
through and about the industry and the some of the stuff that's
happened and just like my early life and how I got in like my

(55:51):
relationship with sex because ofwhat happened to me when I was a
kid. So that inspired me.
I think I'll probably end up doing this.
It is is on without a doubt. Like it started off for me as
therapy with my therapist. We were writing like essays
basically about stuff. And then I sat there and I them
all printed out and I was like, Oh my God, OK, I have a through
line here. There's there's a story here of

(56:11):
a rise, a fall, a somewhat redemption like storyline.
So I pitched it to a couple publishers and and we're seeing
where it seeing where it goes. So cross your fingers for me.
I'm so proud. I'm so, so proud of you.
Well done. Thanks Sam, you guys, thank you
for taking the time to listen tothis episode.
This is episode 62 of Prolapse. If you are enjoying the show,

(56:32):
please like, follow, subscribe, share with your friends.
We are on Apple, Amazon, YouTube, Spotify and
iHeartRadio. New episodes go live on
hungerff.com at 8:00 on Friday nights as well as undressed for
fan slash hunger FF and I'll give Jake a copy for his pages
as well. Audio goes live across all
platforms for free at 8:00 on Friday night.
So again, one more time, thank you.

(56:52):
So how much for taking this muchtime out of your day?
For me, no, honestly, it's been a pleasure.
Thank you so much for having me.I've loved this.
It's been very, very therapeutic.
I know. It feels like a therapy session
and I'm down for it. I'm here for it, so.
That Okie bastards have stories to tell.
And I feel like that's we alwaysget into these, these topics
and, you know, stars of conversation, it always gets

(57:14):
done. Again, thank you for your time
and guys, I'll see you all againnext week.
Have a good night. Bye.
Thanks for going deep with me onHunger FF Presents Prolapse.
If you're loving the ride, hit subscribe, drop a review, and
share the fisting love. Follow me on social media at
Hunger FF for unfiltered updatesand exclusive content.
But until next time, keep it raw, real and always.

(57:35):
Hungry. I'll see you on the next
episode.

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Episode 62: Jake Rockard: Work, Chems, Fisting, and the Manchester Underground

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Episode 62: Jake Rockard: Work, Chems, Fisting, and the Manchester Underground

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