There’s a lot of pressure to start over at the beginning of a new year. Days after “Quitter’s Day,” I’m sitting down with self-care expert and the newest addition to the Start Today family, Yasmine Cheyenne. We’re talking about everything from how to meet yourself with grace during moments of transition and embracing the good in your routine to how to “break the matrix” and how to answer the question “what’s best for me?” Without shame or guilt.
IN THIS EPISODE
(3:50) What is “Start Today” and Yasmine’s role in the app
(11:05) How to choose “doing the work” and choosing yourself every day
(14:45) A helpful breathwork meditation to get more grounded and present
(17:50) Why presence is the most important thing and how to become ~more~ present in your day-to-day
(20:00) How your friends can help you with your self-reflection process
(32:15) Where to begin with goal setting
(36:15) Why is it important to know what your values are before you set goals
(44:50) How can you move forward from friendships and relationships that are no longer serving you
(1:05:09) Why we’ve got to get away from the societal idea that weddings, babies, and engagements are the only events worth celebrating
MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
Start Today
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@hurdlepodcast
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
If you want to have the energy, the excitement, the joy,
the creativity to be able to create all the things
that you want to do this year, you're going to
have to let go of the stuff that is completely
wiping you out and that isn't good for you, and
that's going to require you to really choose yourself.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Hey, Hey, Emily, a body here. You are listening to
episode three hundred and thirty eight of Hurdle, a wellness
focused podcast where I talk to inspirational people about everything
from their highest ties and toughest moments to essential tips
on how to live a healthier, happier, more motivated life.
We all go through our fair share of hurdles. My
(00:54):
goal through these discussions is to empower you to better
navigate yours and move with intention so that you can
stride towards your own big potential and of course have
some fun along the way. You know, one of the
pieces of feedback I got going into season nineteen of
the show, which we are in right now, is that
(01:16):
y'all love a topiced episode. You love hearing stories from
athletes and founders, but you also love this actionable advice
that helps you get to where you want to be,
and so for today's episode, I am bringing in Yasmin Chaiamne.
She's a wellness coach, a self healing and wellness expert,
(01:37):
a two time author, one of the newest members of
the Start Today family, and we are chatting all about
fresh starts. It's something that's super relevant at the beginning
of a new year, so many of us after fresh beginnings,
and so in today's episode, Yasmin and I are talking
about how to meet yourself exactly where you're at to
(02:00):
get to where you want to be, the importance of
not judging your beginnings to harshly, how to get honest
with yourself without guilt or judgment about your current circumstance
in order to move forward and progress. When I tell
you I could sit down and listen to Yasmin talk
(02:20):
for hours, that is an understatement. I feel as though
I am calm when I am in her presence, and
I felt so lucky that we were able to connect
while she was in town. Like I said for that
Start Today launch, I'm going to link that new website
and app in the show notes, so definitely definitely check
(02:41):
it out. But yeah, amazing, amazing conversation today and I
am aiming to bring you more of what you want
in twenty twenty five. Again, this show it's my baby,
but it's as much mine as it is yours. So
if there's a certain topic you're into, a certain expert,
you want me to chat with an athlete, you want
to hear their story, I am all ears. We're getting better,
(03:04):
We're moving forward in twenty twenty five, we are becoming
exactly who we want to be, and that happens together.
Make sure you're following along with Hurdle over on social
It's at Hurdle Podcast. I am over at Emily a
body and with that, let's get to it. Let's get
to hurdling Today. I am sitting down with my friend
(03:29):
Yasmin Chayenne. She is a thought leader, a wellness expert,
a self care expert. She's also one of the newest
members of the Start Today family. How are we doing today?
Speaker 3 (03:41):
I'm so good? How are you?
Speaker 2 (03:42):
I'm so good. I'm so excited for you. I'm a
buzz for you right now. Talk to us about Start Today.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
Oh my gosh, I'm still like buzzing from that. I
just basically launched last night Start Today as a new app.
What I love about it is you know, I teach
meditation on the app, but there are so many people
teaching their like specific modality. There's somatic meditation, there's sound bowl,
there's every kind of fitness even if you have disabilities,
if you have if you need certain adjustments. They really
(04:12):
thought about everything and also the diversity. I don't know
if you noticed last night because Emily was there. It's
just beautiful to see and be a part of.
Speaker 3 (04:19):
So yeah, I.
Speaker 2 (04:21):
Love when a company pays attention a company, a brand
pays attention to the diversity the breath of individuals that
they want to work with. And to your point, it
was really clear at the launch event for this yesterday
that it was a priority.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
Absolutely absolutely, And I mean it's NBC, right, so there's
this also experience of pinch me. It's so funny that
I'm here today, honestly because I'm in the kind of
the area where I grew up.
Speaker 3 (04:51):
So it feels very full circle.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
I love that idea. I love that, you know, Brooklyn
has that way about it. Yes, well, I'm happy that
it's a full circle moment. And it's kind of fun
because so much has happened for you since you and
I first connected.
Speaker 3 (05:05):
I know so much.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
You're now a two time author. Yes, does that ever
get old for you?
Speaker 3 (05:10):
Never? Or never? Does it feel like I'm just so grateful?
Speaker 2 (05:15):
This is it?
Speaker 3 (05:15):
Yeah? Yeah, yeah, it's not it. No, I'm writing books
for me right now.
Speaker 2 (05:19):
You're like spoiler alert. There's so much more to be done. Well.
I am honored that we are able to find this
time to connect, especially at the beginning of this new year.
It was a no brainer to have someone that is
not only so compassionate but so dialed in to this
important topic of self care come in and talk to
(05:41):
us me about a topic that is, oh my gosh,
on everyone's mind right now, quote unquote, I need to
start over. Yeah, shutter, shutter. There's so much pressure that's
put on us at the start of a new year,
don't you agree?
Speaker 3 (05:57):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
I think that I don't know how we got into
a It probably was marketing or something, but how we
got into this rhythm of it's January first, so now
we need to like redo our whole lives. But we
fall for it, and we fall for hard every single year.
For myself and for a lot of my friends, I
think that we're getting towards this age where and I
(06:18):
don't even know, you know, if you're in your late
thirties to like mid forties, you're starting to feel like
every year does feel like a big deal because time
is limited. And I think that that's a real thing
that a lot of us are contending with.
Speaker 3 (06:31):
You see that, you.
Speaker 1 (06:33):
Know, you know, I'm not going to get carted again,
Like life is changing, like you know, and it's I
think it's becoming very real to a lot of us.
I think that there's that pressure. But if you're younger,
if you're the gen Z folks that are you know,
continuing with the new year, I think they also seem
to have a pressure that we didn't as millennials to
like really get it right because they have different circumstances
(06:54):
that their world is going to require for them if
they want to be successful, if they want you know,
all of these things. So I'm saying that to say
I think there's a truth to the fact that we
do need to reevaluate what didn't work last year and
try to be more intentional. And then there's the other
part of maybe we can do it with compassion, Maybe
it doesn't have to be so incredibly perfectionistic.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
Yeah, And for these this next generation, so much of
what they're doing is online, right right, it's platformed, and
so these individuals feel this extra added pressure to show
up in some kind of way because there's such instant access,
a journey for instant gratification, instant everything, and it's a
(07:39):
lot to deal with.
Speaker 3 (07:40):
It's a lot.
Speaker 1 (07:40):
And I was just talking to someone who was twenty one.
I don't even know if that's still gen Z. Maybe
it's a little bit young. I don't know, I've lost
the generation. But we were talking about the club, and
I know this is a hurdle podcast the club, the club,
but I could not imagine having been twenty one and
being watched and videoed in the club.
Speaker 3 (07:58):
Could you imagine? That's literally my nightmarees I'm so grateful
that he didn't have phones.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
And she was talking about how she doesn't feel like
her and her friends get to really have a good
time because you can't, right, And even from that like
very micro experience, I think that's the experience of what
it's like to have always been being watched, not just
by yourself and your own thoughts, which we all deal with,
but by your friends, your family, everyone, wants to know
(08:24):
what's next. That's what I think is. There was a
post I saw earlier before I got here. There was
this guy recording and trying to say new Year, New
fresh start, but he kept messing it up, so then
he's like angry, like typing it out again and then
setting it up and trying to find the right light.
I really feel like that's the simulation that we're in.
Speaker 2 (08:44):
I love that he's putting that out there, though, but
that's the stuff that we need. That's the vulnerability, because
vulnerability and imperfection is relatable perfection, and this aesthetic idealism
is not no and it's not real, it's not real
on the slightest. Well, before we dive into talking about
(09:05):
a fresh start, two things. One, I gotta know, we
just talked about the launch of Start today, But how
are you doing really at the top of this new year?
Speaker 1 (09:17):
Genuinely, I am a little tired. I cannot hang like
I used to, but I am actually really good. I
feel excited about everything that I'm working on. I feel
excited about just going home and getting back into the
routine of school and all that stuff with my kids.
(09:38):
I really had to Last year was a big year
for me, letting go of a lot of what the
pressures that I would put on myself and getting very
clear about what my purpose is, which I feel is
very important because if I am thinking about success from
what I am seeing online or what people or even
(09:58):
like my team or whatever what I do someone else
thinks successes, then I can get caught up and be
in a pattern of striving and never actually be able
to sit with the fact that this is actually the
path that.
Speaker 3 (10:10):
I need to be on.
Speaker 1 (10:10):
I don't need to be doing everything. I just want
to be doing these things. And if I'm doing these
things and I am doing what is best for me,
so that has helped me like reclaim so much of
my energy. And I think that's why even on like
five hours of sleep for the past two weeks, that
I feel just really good right now, accumulative five hours
of sleep for the past doing How do you let
(10:32):
go of the should? It sounds so airy and wonderful
and something to be a tad envious of when I
hear that, right it's I'm in this place where I've
been able to let it go. But how does one
let it go and focus on the things that truly
serve them rather than what they feel as though they
(10:53):
should be doing. I think it's really important to I'm glad.
I'm so glad you said that, because I don't want
to make it. I am not the you know, you
just let go and then open your heart like that's crazy.
I have to choose it every day personally, I am
a recovering perfectionist. I think that's going to be a
lifelong journey of mine. I think I'm constantly going to
be coming back to a place of choosing myself again
(11:17):
and choosing what's real versus the stories that play in
my head. And so every day I have to remind myself,
especially you know you probably relate with this when you
go online and you see like all the things we
see immediately like that starts turning in my mind and
I'm like, oh, I'm not doing enough. I'm not being enough,
I'm not showing up enough. I need to start doing tiktoks,
(11:39):
I need to start doing dances whatever all of it starts,
and then I have to come back to myself. And
sometimes I get caught on the story and like mid
way through learning a TikTok dance, I'm like, what the
hell are you doing yasmin? This is not a part
of I'm kidding, I'm not learning your TikTok dance, but like,
what are you doing?
Speaker 3 (11:56):
Like?
Speaker 1 (11:56):
This isn't a part of what So I think to
answer your question concisely, I constantly am coming back to
myself and having that internal conversation and reminding myself, this
isn't what you said you wanted, so let it go.
This isn't even a part of what is important for you.
This isn't one of your values, This isn't something that
matters to you. So you you gotta release it, gotta
release it.
Speaker 2 (12:16):
I love that idea of don't start doing a TikTok
dance just because you feel like you should be doing
a TikTok dance in your house. Obviously the TikTok dance
isn't the thing, but it's an example of the bag, right,
And so to get clear on what feels good right?
That was a question that I was asking myself a
lot in twenty twenty four. It was what feels good
for Emily in this moment, and being able to get
(12:38):
clear on that and be honest about that. That honesty
is the first barrier to seeking what it is that
you truly are aligned with, what you truly quote unquote
should be doing is asking yourself what feels good here?
And that felt good for me.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
Yeah, yeah, And I saw that difference. Yeah, you know,
watching your I mean obviously not watching in real life,
but watching you on your page. It just you can
tell when so one's sharing from a really intentional place.
And it felt like that, it just.
Speaker 3 (13:05):
Seemed like you. And that's an example before.
Speaker 2 (13:08):
Yeah, yeah, I appreciate that. And in the something that
Robin ar Song said to me a couple of weeks
ago when we sat down for the show, she said
that so often, as we are creating, doing living, we
have an inclination to compare ourselves to someone that is
on the mountaintop. Right, So maybe you are writing your
(13:30):
first book and you're looking on social media and comparing
yourself to someone who's a twenty two time New York
Times bestselling author, and understandable, right, there's a goal there.
Maybe there is some shininess to that, but you cannot
compare yourself on the draft of page one of your
first book to this person who's done it twenty two
(13:53):
times before. And it's challenging, not to do that, but
it happens more often than so many of us would
like to admit. Before we go any farther, further farther,
I think that we should get a little grounded. Perhaps
I was so inspired and in all of you in
the room last night, commanding this room of hundreds of people,
(14:15):
and there's so much happening. We're truly like right above
Union Square, there's the noise from the street, and yet
we were still able to slow down for just a second,
a few minutes maybe and do that really beautiful breathwork exercise.
So maybe for us in this room right now, you
and I and then also those listening to this wherever
they may be, maybe they're on their commute right now,
(14:36):
let's just get intentional for a second. And I love that,
and do a little breath So you want to lead
me in a little breath.
Speaker 1 (14:43):
For sure, Let's close our eyes for a minute and
take a deep breath in through your nose, exhaling out
through your mouth. And I just realized that my breath
was really tight. And if you ever feel that, you
can put your hand on your heart space again, take
it deep breath in through your nose, exhaling out through
(15:05):
your mouth, and just taking a moment to think about
perhaps any thoughts that have come up since we've been
talking about these very triggering topics around success and showing
up and who we are or who everyone thinks we
(15:27):
should be, and just feeling where there may be any tightness.
Speaker 3 (15:40):
Or tension.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
Or fear, and maybe getting a little curious about what
you could do to just be present to it, not
shift it, not change it, not judge it, just hold
space for it again, breathing in through your nose, exhaling
(16:09):
out through your mouth, dropping your shoulders a little further,
and again just feeling how being present to the tension,
being curious about the triggers, just sitting with it can
(16:31):
help it to dissipate within the body and maybe make
it just a little bit easier to shift, change, transform
witness in the future. We're just going to take one
more deep breath in and we're going to hold at
(16:52):
the top, exhaling out through the mouth, reminding yourself in
this moment that anytime you take time to come back
to yourself, even for a few minutes, it matters, and
(17:17):
gently opening your eyes.
Speaker 3 (17:20):
It matters.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
I needed that, I needed that, and it's so true
because as we get into this conversation about this desire
for a fresh start, at first, before you do anything,
you have to come back into your body.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
You have to yeah, the presence of being connected to
yourself and how that allows you to really witness. There
is no what do I want? Without being present? There
is no how can I move forward unless you're going
to be willing to be present. Presence is the hardest thing.
(17:59):
All of us have been in a situation where we
were with a friend and we're like, oh my gosh,
she is ignoring this red flag. It is blaring. We
do the same thing, and so honesty is hard. Honesty
is rigid, and once we know the truth, most of
us cannot live with, you know, just allowing it to
(18:21):
be not what we should be doing for ourselves. We're
going to have to make a change, And so we
ignore it so that we can stay kind of in
the ignorant bliss of whatever story, whatever hope, whatever we're
hoping will be. But when we're honest with ourselves, we
have to we usually make a change. So if you're
(18:42):
brave enough to witness yourself like that in itself is
major work. I think sometimes we're too hard on ourselves.
We think that, oh, I should have been further by now.
It might take you two years just to be honest
and witness It might take you that much time to
be willing. Some people live their whole lives and never
tell the truth.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
Witnessing yourself can be truly challenging because in this self
inquiry you start to see things that maybe you don't
want to see right and so understandably so at the
turn of a new year, when we're doing all this
self reflection, it can feel really turbulent. Also understandable that
there are so many people that finally feel like they
(19:20):
are in a place that they can say, I recognize
these things I'm doing. Maybe it's a pattern. Maybe it's
certain relationships that we have, certain company that we keep,
certain practices that we do that we're not so proud
of that don't make us feel so shiny and beautiful
and excited. So as we step into this place of
(19:44):
desiring a fresh start, the question arises, how can we
not judge ourselves for this past behavior.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
I honestly think this is where community comes in because
to be very clear, like we're talking about self reflection,
and yes, a lot of it is done alone. But
I think what really freed me and what really frees
a lot of people as I've been on this journey
and the work that I do working with people is
when you are witnessed by someone else and they can
(20:14):
mirror your light and what you really are versus what
you tell yourself you are or what society tells you
you are. So I never want anyone to think that
this work is a solo journey. If you're not in
the healing work or your journey for connection, I want
you to get really curious about why you're doing it
in the first place, because I hope that you're doing
(20:34):
it for vulnerability, for you know, community, for building and
being held and being able to hold in reciprocity. And
I think that's where we find out we're not really
so different, that I'm not really wrong. Everyone's going through
some version of this. That's I think where we really
stand in our power, and that in that moment of
(20:56):
sharing it with someone and they say like, maybe not
me too, but I so get that, or they reflect
to you, you know, are you really right about that?
Because I watched you last year and you kicked asks
last year. You know, they really allow you to come
out of whatever cycle you might be and stand more
firmly and a truth that again, when I say the truth,
(21:17):
the truth is not always bad. Sometimes the truth is
I've been so hard on myself for five years and
actually I've done everything that I wanted to do, and
I've just been in striving mode because you know, I've
never been taught how to love myself. I've never been
taught how to celebrate myself. Sometimes that's the truth that
you are winning, but you would never even admit that
because that has never been your norm. Sometimes the truth
(21:39):
is I don't know how to let love in. And
those truths can hurt, and they can also reflect that
the success is already there. So I hope that makes
sense for people who are listening that you may go
into it thinking this is what I'm going to learn
about myself, and then when you have somebody else reflect
to you, you realize, oh my gosh, to Nursing, that
(22:00):
there's so.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
Much power in what you mentioned about community, and also
so much importance to the validating of personal experience. When
you are going at something alone, it can feel like
you are on a small lifeboat in the middle of
(22:23):
the biggest ocean that there is right and to open
yourself up not only to recognize where you're at and
start to get honest about that, but then to community
to help you navigate this experience. You realize and remember
and are reminded that you are not alone, not only
in whatever it is that you're going through, but also
(22:44):
likely in how you feel.
Speaker 1 (22:47):
I don't think people realize how powerful that's why, and
I'm sure you know this with the Hurtler's community.
Speaker 3 (22:52):
When you have this is this.
Speaker 1 (22:55):
Is a perfect example for this ons podcast. When I
watch people finish marathons, I am in shambles, like because
we know what it took just to decide to go
for the first mile, like that first step is so hard,
and then to get injured and come back. And you
(23:15):
know that is why when we sign up for things
or when we do things and we think, oh, I'm
just running out, you know, a marathon, we'll see what happens. No,
it is a trans as you know and everyone listening
probably knows. It's a transformation. You're never the same again
because in community, you watched people, some people don't finish.
You never know what's going to happen. Like that's like
a very much metaphor for life, like you're on this
(23:37):
journey and you don't know how it's going to turn out,
But there's everyone else around you that has the same
vulnerability too. If you're willing to be in it and
be witnessed and you know, maybe you need to walk
the rest of the way, Maybe you when you allow
yourself to be held. That is what happens when we
say yes to leaning in, And that same analogy can
(23:59):
be applied to this self reflection to starting this new year.
If you don't remember anything else I've said today, I
hope that you remember to lean into your community. And
if you're listening and you're thinking, I don't have community,
I hope this is an invitation to you to really
begin to put yourselves in those rooms with people with
like minded ideas and beliefs and hobbies so that you
(24:20):
can find it. Because that could also just be the
very thing that you're missing this year. That might be
the one thing that you do and you will have
a transformation in your life if that's all you do
this year.
Speaker 2 (24:32):
What does community look like for you in practice? Right now?
Speaker 1 (24:35):
Oh, it's so freaking beautiful. I feel really grateful because
it wasn't always that way. Friday. This Friday, I'm going
to a friend's house and we're all coming together and
we're bringing a bunch of skincare products that none of
us have used that we're going to swap. We're writing
down our goals for the year, and then we're all
going to mail it to each other at the start
(24:55):
of next year.
Speaker 2 (24:56):
I'm obsessed with this. Everyone lovestening to us is now
about to get their own skincare party together.
Speaker 1 (25:02):
Yes, And it's like, you know how it is when
you get older, like and people have families and stuff
like that, you don't do stuff like this anymore. And
I think we really need that. We're really missing that
kind of connection. Like maybe we're not getting dressed up
and going out, you know, to so and going to dinner.
We're just going over to your house and we're all
(25:23):
wearing pajamas and we're hanging out. I think the easy normal,
you know, we don't have to film this kind of
community is what people are really really missing.
Speaker 3 (25:35):
Gen Z.
Speaker 2 (25:36):
I hope you're listening to this if you are a
member of gen Z and beyond. I don't even know
what's beyond gen Z.
Speaker 3 (25:42):
Danafa and Bravo. Bravo just started.
Speaker 2 (25:44):
Oh bravo. If you identify as any of these generations,
I encourage you to say, let's put the phones down.
And I actually believe that that is something that isn't
often spoken about when it comes to individuals that are
in pursuit of community. Yes, right, it's if we go
back to that example of running. If you're going to
(26:05):
go to a new run club and this is you
putting yourself out there, congrats, that's so exciting that you
are now in this place where you have both recognized
I am seeking community, this is a like minded interest.
I'm going to show up and do that. That is
step one. But step two, beyond arriving at said destination,
(26:25):
is being at the destination, being where your feet are,
being present with those around you, because you cannot form
relationships if you are one foot in and one foot out.
You cannot build a house without a foundation. And in
order to lay that foundation, you need to be present.
Speaker 1 (26:44):
Yes, and it's not easy to have community. You have
to be you have to show up. It's not always
going to be parties and events, and sometimes it's going
to be divorce and breakups and you know, heartbreaking things
that are that are happening, and being in community means
that we show up for all of it, the ugly
the great. I think you really need to be the
(27:06):
person that you're hoping to find.
Speaker 2 (27:08):
Amen.
Speaker 3 (27:09):
Amen.
Speaker 2 (27:09):
You can do good times with everyone, but you can't
do bad times with everyone. And if you're seeking long
lasting relationships and solid community, then you need to pay
attention to what it is that you are indulging in doing.
Living in together, breathing in together.
Speaker 1 (27:23):
Absolutely, absolutely, and be honest with yourself. You might know
that there's some people in your life that are not
your people. They're not your people, and everybody doesn't have
to be your closest friend. You know. This can just
be like your party friend, or this could just be
or we go out for drink's friend. They don't have
to turn into your close connection. I'm going to be
(27:45):
vulnerable with you and expect you to show up for
a person like I'm not saying compartmentalize people, but be
honest with yourself about who people are to you.
Speaker 3 (27:53):
It will save us a lot of heartbreak.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
Yeah yeah, because you can't put someone into a box
that they don't want to be in necessarily, and when
you do. It does result in that heartbreak difficulty and
that unsettling like center of your chest feeling when you're
seeking something from someone who doesn't want to be sought.
Speaker 3 (28:15):
Oh my gosh, it's so true.
Speaker 1 (28:17):
This is especially true with dating too, Like we want
people to be someone that they don't want to be.
And I think this is something that we do long term.
We do this with our parents. We do oh my god,
we do it with our kids. If you have kids,
we do it with everyone. The most honest thing that
we can do is accept people and like say to ourselves,
this is obviously who they are. Obviously you know, sometimes
(28:38):
there's going to be compromised, it's going to be boundaries,
but people will really let you know if they are
interested in what you are interested in. If they're not interested,
then you know it's time for you to like vote
with your feet.
Speaker 2 (28:48):
Vote with your feet. Ooh, we're laying down the truths
here today. Speaking of truths, I want to get honest
about values. Core values. Articulating what your value alues are
when you are feeling as though you want a fresh
start can be a really helpful way to set yourself
in the right direction. For so many individuals. They come
(29:11):
to me when I say the word values, and they're like,
how do I know what my values are?
Speaker 1 (29:16):
This is a hard one, right, because I think most
of our values are given to us, and then we
have to discern whether that's actually true with who we
are as we grow. I think that and this is
a hot take, I think, but anger is such a
good teacher for what our values are. And what I
mean by that is when you're in relationship, like if
(29:38):
you're waiting for a friend and they're forty five minutes
late and your blood is boiling. I've had people who
are like, I don't care if people are late, It's
no big deal to me. And then I've had other
people who are like, this is the rudest thing that
I've ever experienced.
Speaker 3 (29:53):
So this is a.
Speaker 1 (29:55):
Example, an example that isn't necessarily the best in terms
of values. But one of your values might be respect
my time. Like if you don't respect my time and
you don't respect the attention that we put toward each
other and you're late every time, that you might not
be the person for me. One of your values might
be you know, respect, And so if you meet someone
or if you're a relationship with someone who's showing you
(30:16):
that they're not going to be willing to do that.
That's a value. That's something that's a and it's also
a boundary. So when I say anger is a teacher,
I want you to pay attention to the relationships you
already have, the community you already have, or you might
be noticing, okay, this is something that isn't working for me.
I think it's easier. We're always able to really be
clear on what isn't working for us faster. I like
(30:37):
to start there. Let's just do that first. Once you
get clear on what isn't going to be okay, then
I want you to think about what makes your heart
really saying so like for me, having friends who are
like come over less swap products, that is such a
value for me. It feels like intentional connection is very
intentional and it's heart warming and it's easy. I also
(30:59):
think getting really curious about ways that you have pretended
performed said yes when you really didn't want to it
is another way for you to Again, this is like
the no list, But most of us are doing things
that we don't want to do. And so when I
hear somebody say I don't know what my values are.
It's it makes me feel like there are things in
(31:19):
your life that you're doing that aren't aligned. Because if
I asked you, like, what are your values? Or maybe
if you ask me what are my values? I think
I'd be able to name a few. But then in
certain areas of my life, if you said, what do
you value? Like I remember there was a time in
my career where people would say, what is your goal
long term? And I'd be like, I don't know. I'm
really just trying to make it through this year. So
(31:43):
get really clear about what those areas are. Separate. So
I'm going to just give you steps because I kind
of rambled just now. First step, separate personal and career.
If you don't have a career, and maybe you're stay
at home mom or you're in school, use that for
your personal self, for your personal side. Three goals or
three areas, three values, three things that matter to you.
(32:05):
Don't do more than three because more than three is
overwhelming and we will never look at this list again,
nor will we remember it. So three things personally, your
personal friendships, your personal time, your personal values, your dating,
you're romantic. Three things that matter to you just the
first three that come to mind for your career. If
you have one three things that really light you up,
(32:26):
even if you have to continue to work, if you
feel like you have a crap job, even if you
have to continue to work the crap job that you're at,
how can you turn it into When I come here,
this is the way that I find my light, those
three things, and that's where we have to put our energy.
And that's what's going to help us be able to
completely be clear on what our nose are. And this
(32:49):
is a really small way to start, and I think
the small ways are the most powerful. We're not going
to and this is again going back to this new year,
New me kind of vibe. We're not going to transform
in one day.
Speaker 3 (33:00):
Some people do. Usually it's like a life or death experience.
We don't want that.
Speaker 1 (33:06):
Let's just be a lot more easeful with this and
start small and watch how it begins to ripple into
something massive.
Speaker 2 (33:18):
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(34:44):
sample pack today. I love the sentiment of articulating your nose,
articulating your hard stops, because oftentimes it can feel hard
to dial in on those three things. Right. We're saying,
(35:05):
let's make a reasonable list of our core values, right,
and you start writing and you're like, wait, but I
care about all of these things, right, So coming to
a place where you can be like, well that's out,
that's out, that's out, It's like, okay, if that's easier
for you, start there and then transition into this place
where we are really getting intentional about what we're putting
(35:25):
on our yes list.
Speaker 1 (35:26):
Absolutely, and I think if you know what your nose are,
that's one of the most that's the hardest part. A
lot of us are just out here floating, you know,
not really understanding what our nose are because our family,
our friends, society has kind of dictated you're a woman,
this is what you should do. You're a mom, this
is what you should do. You're my partner, this is
(35:46):
what you should do. And I have conversations with people,
and I'm sure you've had them where you're like, you're
catching up with someone maybe you don't speak to a lot,
and they're like, yeah, you know, but that's just you
know the way tim is, and that's how it is.
And they do this uncomfortable laugh where it's like we
both know you don't you don't you're laughing and this
isn't funny to you, that to know, but we don't
feel comfortable saying it, and so we're uncomfortably sharing it
(36:09):
with you.
Speaker 3 (36:09):
And now you walk away with their slime.
Speaker 1 (36:11):
And you know, but that's what we do in relationship.
We don't know how to be honest, so we just
kind of laugh it off. Those are the moments that
you know that this isn't really for me, and you've
got to have those uncomfortable conversations with yourself and with others.
A lot of people are waiting to meet you. I
know we often talk about get that personality of your life.
They don't really care about you, they don't meet your boundary.
(36:31):
That's true for some people, but I have found that
most people would be interested in meeting you if they
knew how to meet you. But that is your work
to share how to meet you.
Speaker 2 (36:45):
That is your work to do. Now, why is it
important that someone has an understanding or perhaps begins to
articulate their values before they lay the groundwork for some
goal setting, Right, what is it about being able to
say I have a value rooted in community or I
(37:05):
have a value rooted in family, to then be able
to write down an important actionable goal.
Speaker 1 (37:12):
This is so good. So I'll give myself as an example.
My word for the year is abundance.
Speaker 2 (37:17):
I knew that I wrote it down. I wrote it down.
Speaker 1 (37:19):
Yes, So if that's the through line of what I
want my experiences to be, the first thing that I
need to do is first define what abundance is for me.
Speaker 3 (37:29):
What does that look like? What does that feel like?
Speaker 1 (37:31):
So I live in an area that's like by the water,
and I can walk by the water pretty much within
fifteen minutes, and that to me is abundance. If I
get twenty five minutes to walk past the water and
see it and walk back to my house, that's abundance
to me because I own my time. And that's something
that I mean, I don't think that I think is priceless.
(37:54):
It has a price, but it feels priceless to me.
And so if I get asked to do something that
interferes with that, and that also doesn't align with abundance
and health money resources connection, then it might be a no.
And I think, I know that might sound like that's
a lot of steps. No, it was like really quick
(38:15):
kind of flow chart.
Speaker 3 (38:17):
Abundance. Is it leading towards what makes me feel good? Yes?
Speaker 1 (38:21):
How does it? Because it's an abundance in health? Okay,
great abundance. I don't really want to do this. It
doesn't feel good to me.
Speaker 3 (38:27):
It's a no.
Speaker 1 (38:28):
When we get clear about that initial energy we want
to bring in, then you can set the framework for
what you want.
Speaker 3 (38:34):
Those goals to be.
Speaker 1 (38:35):
So all of my three personal my three career are
fueled by the word abundance. If you ask me what
my three personal goals for the year are and my
three career goals, I honestly cannot tell you right now.
Speaker 3 (38:48):
It's in my bag.
Speaker 1 (38:49):
But if you ask me the energy, I remember that
one word, that abundance, And so when I'm getting asked
those questions, I know to keep that with me.
Speaker 2 (38:56):
You know what's so funny is that yesterday I was
talking about out what some of my goals were for
the year are for the year, and my life coach
that I sat down with she said to me, perhaps
we get a little bit more broad, And I said,
but if it's more broad. How am I going to
accomplish my goals? And she said, it's not that you're
(39:17):
not going to accomplish those specific goals, but if you
make it more broad, then you may surprise yourself on
what happens next. And that really resonated with me, right
because I believe that there is both a time and
a place to set a smart goal specific, measurable, attainable, relevant,
time bound, but then also be able to say, but
I am open to whatever the universe has in store
(39:39):
for me.
Speaker 3 (39:39):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (39:41):
We have to human, we have to adult, we need
to pay our bills, we need to do all these things.
Like those smart goals are important sometimes, but in the
way that I teach and I usually work with people
who are like the smart goal types, I'm like, we're
going to throw our smart goals out today, and it's hard.
Like I used to be in a government and legal
and a project manager, Honey, I like lived my life
(40:05):
by smart goals. But when you free yourself and you
allow yourself to think, Okay, what if I just trusted
and again, I run a business, right, So I'm still
making business decisions, I'm still being strategic, I'm still budgeting
I'm still planning. I'm not saying like, let's just throw
it to the wind and see what happens. No, But
it's bringing that energy with you and trusting that you
(40:27):
will know if this is the right decision based on
what you said, you want to be available in your
life as you're living it this year, and there's going
to be hard times. I come up and there are
going to be moments where I'm like, this isn't feeling
really abundant right now, and I'm going to decide how
I can do the next best thing that will bring
(40:47):
some of that energy into my life and also focus
on the areas that are very abundant. But I think
that it frees us the specific and to your point,
last year, my goals were really specific, very specific. It
was a lot of fun to be very intentional and
do those specific things. I was like, I'm going to
(41:08):
go surfing, even though I don't know how to swim
in the ocean. That was a very specific goal. So
I think it can be very powerful to set those too.
And also I think we have to free ourselves a
little bit to allow the magic.
Speaker 2 (41:20):
It's a yes and yes, and it's a yes both
right and I love that you had a specific goal
about surfing in the ocean, right, because sometimes when we
integrate things like that into our bigger picture goal setting,
you're reminded that not every goal needs to be so
dang serious.
Speaker 3 (41:39):
Right, It's so freaking true.
Speaker 2 (41:41):
It's so true because yes, like I certainly have goals
in different categories that I like to dig into, whether
it be work, career, mindfulness, financial, personal, right, relationships, I
have goals in all of those categories. But for me,
a huge goal overall is to seek new experiences this year.
(42:04):
And so then I ask myself, Okay, if you are
creving new experiences, what does that look like in practice? Okay, cool?
What that looks like in practice? For me this year
is trying one new experience every single week. So on
Sunday morning, when I am I have this page in
a journal that I like to use, and yes, I'll
link it in the show notes. But I have a
page where I plan out my activities for the week,
(42:27):
and most of those are rooted in like my personal
health and well being. So I'll write out what days
I'm string training, what days I'm doing yoga. What does
this look like? By the way, you're killing it. Oh,
you're so sweet to me. But I know that this
has worked for me in my health and wellness routine.
So let's go back to my emotional health. My emotional
health hinges on bringing myself these new experiences.
Speaker 3 (42:49):
Now.
Speaker 2 (42:49):
Yeah, so I'm like, okay, on Wednesday this evening, actually
I'm going to a pottery studio for the first time.
Speaker 3 (42:58):
I love it. You're gonna love it.
Speaker 2 (43:00):
I'm so excited. I didn't when I was younger, but
not like as a grown woman living in Brooklyn. So
I'm gonna take myself over to green Point and go
with a girlfriend. And also that was me in addition
boundary setting because when my girlfriend said, why don't we
go to a workout on Wednesday night? I said, Emily
(43:21):
in twenty twenty five needs to socialize in a way
that's not always me burning calories. I mean, I'm sure
there's calorie burn in some sort of like pottery real
moment for me, but I'm just saying that, like, I
need to find activities that are me fueling myself, giving
to myself in a way that I'm not just everyone's
fitness friend.
Speaker 1 (43:39):
So my first pottery class was last year. I'm so
special about it is you can't be on your phone
and you have to wear crap clothes because you don't
want to get the stuff on your clothes.
Speaker 2 (43:47):
Yeah, this is a good tip because I was not
thinking about that. So I will not show up to pottery.
Speaker 1 (43:51):
In my line, you really don't want to bring your jewelry, okay,
because you don't want to get so it's like it
makes you take all the arm off and just come
have a good time.
Speaker 2 (44:00):
I love that. I'm ready to have a good time.
Speaker 3 (44:01):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (44:02):
I mentioned going with their girlfriend tonight, which brings me
back to this idea of bringing in your community, finding
community in the pursuit of your goals, knowing that not
only can community help you stay accountable to the things
that excite you, but they can also support you knowing
that some of these things might be you stepping out
a little bit from your comfort zone. Now, when we're
(44:22):
talking about a fresh start, oftentimes that requires that we
do an inventory of our circle. Another really challenging thing
because oftentimes you are confronted with some hard truths. For
those that are looking to do an inventory of their
circle when they're thinking about this fresh start, what should
(44:45):
they know?
Speaker 1 (44:45):
The first thing that I want to say is let
the people that you're holding on too, who have been
trying to walk away, walk away.
Speaker 3 (44:52):
I think that's the easiest first step.
Speaker 2 (44:54):
I just gave like a sorority snap over here. I
was like, let them.
Speaker 1 (44:57):
Go, let them we've been holding and if we just released,
that's the first easy. Ones that are going to walk away, like,
they will not call you back, they're not going to
text you back. Okay, We're going to move on. The
next thing is look at the people who have been
trying to hang out with you and for whatever reason.
You know how when you're in middle school and there's
like the people that want to hang out with you,
but for some reason, you keep trying to be around
(45:18):
the people who are quote unquote cool or whatever, like
you're trying to make it work with someone else when
there's like a much easier person to hang out with.
I want you to look at your circle and your
life and say, who are the people that I could
really be having a good time with and hanging out
with that for some reason I'm not paying attention to
because I'm trying to make it work with these other
folks over here who are rescheduling or not shown, you know,
(45:41):
not coming through. I think the last thing is look
at the folks who you had a great time with
last year or in the last few months, and really
ask yourself, how can I be with them more?
Speaker 3 (45:53):
Often say it.
Speaker 1 (45:55):
There's a few friends of mine we've actually said, can
we spend more time together this year? Platonic romance is
such an important part of relationships, and I don't think
that we put enough attention on it. And we want
to hear that people want to spend time with us.
I know, I'm sure you want to hear it like
it was great being with you. I'm sure your friend
(46:17):
who you're going to pottery with is probably excited and
wouldn't have normally chose it were we think sometimes you know,
will they want to do this or will they see
me like this? And often people are like that sounds amazing.
I wouldn't have chosen that. Yes, I'm supporting you, and
also this is fun for me too, So you'll be
surprised by what choosing yourself will open up you and
your relationships and the people who care about you to
(46:39):
do with you, be with you, and show up for you.
Speaker 2 (46:42):
The biggest word in that for me and the biggest
word that I have focused on over the last three
sixty five is ease. Easy. When you spend time with
someone and it feels easy, that is a relationship that's
in alignment. And there are going to be times in
(47:02):
life where relationships feel easy and they feel difficult. I'm
not saying that you must walk away from the difficult
feeling relationships. What I am saying is have the awareness
to recognize when something feels like you're trying to put
a round peg into a square hole. You have to
respect the relationship enough and yourself enough to know when
(47:25):
to walk away. And that's not easy.
Speaker 3 (47:27):
Or sometimes it's very easy.
Speaker 2 (47:28):
Yeah, well true exactly.
Speaker 1 (47:30):
Sometimes it's like, oh God, thank you, I'm so glad
this is done because it's so uncomfortable. But most times
it's not easy, and I really feel like that's another thing,
Like I know I mentioned earlier, If you don't remember
anything else, lean into your community.
Speaker 3 (47:44):
This would be the second big thing.
Speaker 1 (47:45):
If you don't remember any of the other things, let
people either draining you. You wake up in the morning
or you go to bed at night and you're like,
I just feel like I literally ran a marathon and
I've done nothing today, it's the people in your life.
Often it's the people in your life. We can't control work.
There's going to be coworkers, our boss, all of that stuff.
There's going to be things that we but you can
(48:06):
control your personal relationships or even your family that maybe
you don't need to be having as close of a
relationship with because it's not healthy for you and it's
not healthy for them.
Speaker 3 (48:15):
And so.
Speaker 1 (48:17):
If you want to have the energy, the excitement, the joy,
the creativity to be able to create all the things
that you want to do this year, you're going to
have to let go of the stuff that is completely
wiping you out and that isn't good for you, and
that's going to require you to really choose yourself.
Speaker 2 (48:35):
It's like when you may unknowingly have mold in your apartment.
Speaker 3 (48:39):
Oh my gosh, yes, you.
Speaker 2 (48:42):
Don't know that there's mold there, But every day at
the end of the day you're like, why do I
feel more tired today at six thirty pm than I should?
M h And one day someone walks in and they say,
something feels often here and then you find out that
this was there the whole time. Yeah, this is something
truly that I can really relate to over the past year.
I mean, there was so much personal work that I
(49:04):
was doing emotionally that went with a lot of the
changes that I was making within my personal wellness routine.
And I believe that that emotional work and what it
freed up for me is truly the most priceless aspect
of this journey that I've been on over the last
three sixty five.
Speaker 3 (49:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (49:23):
Yeah, And I also think that, like to your point,
a lot of us think that we don't have community
and we don't have anyone that wants to show up
with us for us and be there with us. But
actually it's just that we are looking for those particular
people to be something that they're not. That goes back
to that same thing. And so when we release them
and we stop trying to shift or change the relationship
(49:44):
or make it something that it's not, we're honest with ourselves,
then we can really have that connection with the people
that we want to be with, or we have the
space to meet The new people who you have around
you is so important. And I know everyone hears everyone
say that, and they say, oh, it's you know, it's
very cliche.
Speaker 3 (50:01):
It's everything.
Speaker 1 (50:02):
If you're trying to achieve things, you need to have
people around you who love you, see you, respect you.
If you're trying to change transform, if you want to
date new people, like even people friends of mine who
are dating, it's like, you know, I can't find any
good guys. I keep getting hooked up with all these
you know, wild guys.
Speaker 3 (50:19):
Well, who who are your friends? Why are they sending
you on these wild dates?
Speaker 1 (50:23):
Obviously we can't know everyone, but like, it's really being
intentional about the energy that you have around you, and
they may it's not that your friend is bad, it's
just they may have something that's a yes for them,
that's a no for you. Stop expecting people to bring
you the fruit that's for your tree when they're a
completely different tree. Like they're avocado, you're apple. It's not
(50:46):
gonna happen.
Speaker 2 (50:47):
It ain't gonna happen. I'm a live tree. It's not
gonna happen. It's not gonna happen. Yeah, that's super relatable.
And we are a sum of the people that we
keep around us, whether or not that we are willing
to admit that right, and when there are people that
are in your life that are perhaps cuing you to
go right when you are on a path to go left,
(51:09):
then you need to ask yourself, why am I still
willing to listen to them if we are going in
separate directions.
Speaker 1 (51:15):
Absolutely, this goes back to the honesty and the maybe
being honest about the ways you people please perform do
things because you're afraid to lose a relationship. And I
think this is the last thing you know that I'll
mention on the like friendship thing. But if you find
yourself performing to be in a relationship because you're afraid
(51:35):
that you're going to lose a relationship, that is not
a healthy attribute of being in community. People should be
willing to see you and love you for who you are.
The first thing, though, is check in with yourself and
ask yourself if you're doing this and no one's asking
you to do this. It might be learned behavior from
your family from growing up, where performing was what you
had to do to be safe and to be seen.
(51:57):
So it might just be a you thing. But if
it's not just a thing and people are expecting this
version of you, it's kind of like when everyone knows
that you're not drinking anymore, but they keep pressuring you
to have a drink, because that's what they need for
you to for them to feel comfortable. It's not a match.
And so just be honest with yourself in those moments,
because those are easy ones to walk not easy in
(52:19):
terms of letting go, but easy ones to realize and
walk away from.
Speaker 2 (52:23):
You mentioned the word like scary or intimidating, right, and
change can be really scary and really intimidating. What we
know is that oftentimes change happens not when we're ready,
but more so when we are willing to take the
first step. For me personally, change has really really settled
(52:45):
with me when staying where I was was harder than
making the change where it got so quote unquote bad
that I had a moment looking in the mirror and
I said, I can't live this way anymore. Knowing that
change can still be really intimidating, how do we get
(53:08):
over that intimidation factor.
Speaker 1 (53:11):
I actually don't think we get over it. I think
we have to lean into it. Discomfort is a teacher.
When we see how uncomfortable we are then and we
feel into it, that's where we learn, Okay, this is who,
this is why they're making me uncomfortable, this is what
they said that makes me uncomfortable. This is what they
do when I'm around, like offering me the drinks if
(53:31):
I don't want, you know whatever. This is when I
learn what's a boundary for me, what's a no for me?
What I need from my friends? And I think the
only thing that we can do in terms of maybe
not getting over the intimidation or the fear or I
think these are normal emotions we're supposed to have. We're
supposed to like like, if there's a bear, it's like, whoa,
(53:51):
it's a freaking bear.
Speaker 2 (53:52):
WHOA.
Speaker 1 (53:53):
We're supposed to feel that. But I do think that
we're supposed to also at some point decide to run
or decide to move, or decide to make a decision.
And so how can I feel afraid, scared, worried, you know,
even the little thing which is really a big thing
where we're like what are they going to tell everybody else?
Speaker 2 (54:14):
Like?
Speaker 1 (54:15):
What are other people are going to think about me
when I choose myself? What are people going to sit
there and say, Oh, she changed, she's not the same
person she used to be. Oh she got she thinks
she's you know whatever. That alone is the reason a
lot of people don't shift or change, and so those
are all us things. Though we can't control what other
people are going to think about us, we have to
be willing to allow them to kind of run their
(54:38):
mouths and choose ourselves anyway. So I know that sounds
like not the best answer, but I do think it's
the truth I have not ever seen, because in my
experience in teaching, when we get rid of intimidation, we're
performing because you're still scared, but you're just performing. It's like,
and you've been on stage, you know how you no
(55:00):
matter how many times you get on stage, before you
get on stage, you're like, whow, I hope this goes well.
I hope this is okay. I hope I remember what
I'm going to say.
Speaker 3 (55:06):
I hope you know. I hope I'm grounded.
Speaker 1 (55:08):
We've done it hundreds of times and you still feel it.
I think that's a part of the experience, and.
Speaker 2 (55:12):
As a part of the experience, and then you owe
it to yourself to find the tools that help you
show up despite the fact that you're intimidated. For me, personally,
I really rely and lean heavily into I AM statements,
and I've spoken about these on the show before, but
writing down a simple list which might take me literally
(55:32):
thirty seconds to a minute, on things I know to
be true despite the stories that might be spinning in
my brain. Right So perhaps in that I'm about to
get on stage, example, it is I am confident, I
am sure of myself, I know what I'm talking about,
just listing out things that I know to be true,
so that the anxieties that I'm feeling, that narration that
(55:55):
might be playing in my mind, I can quiet that
a bit to know that I've.
Speaker 1 (55:59):
Got it's so true. And actually, affirmations have changed my life.
I have affirmations on the voice note section of my phone,
so I record them, so I have them labeled imposter syndrome,
fear you don't belong like you know, whatever the thought
might be. And then when I get afraid, I play them.
(56:21):
They do help me to remember that I belong, my power,
all of those amazing things. And I do play them
before I go on stage or before I have tough conversations.
Speaker 3 (56:30):
But I don't know.
Speaker 1 (56:31):
I just want people to know that, like, if you're
still feeling the feelings, that that's okay too, and that
even though affirmations are beautiful, and they help me come
back to myself. They don't erase the knee jerk reaction
of the emotion. Oh, I'm about to have a scary
conversation and I don't know what's going to happen. I
will say that in my life now and maybe feel
(56:52):
this way too. Most of the conversations I'm afraid to
have are not as bad. The story is way bigger
and the person is way more willing to see, and
it's easier. But that's after the rooting out. Yeah, of
all of the relationships that weren't working.
Speaker 2 (57:09):
Can you give us an example or a quote unquote
live read of what the affirmations would be for I'm
about to go in and have a really scary conversation.
Speaker 1 (57:20):
Oh my gosh, I love this. So I would have
statements like, no matter the outcome, I'm still worthy. On
the other side of this, I will still have community.
I belong despite what they think about me. No matter
what they say about me, I can still choose myself like.
Those are the kinds of things that I would write
(57:40):
out or I would have in the voice note section.
And the reason why I think voice is so powerful
is because when you hear yourself saying it. I believe
it reprograms our nervous system. Sometimes when I have a
thought that's like, oh, I don't know what's going to happen,
and I hear myself say it, I'll hear myself in
my head say it because I've heard myself say it.
Speaker 3 (58:00):
Affirmation.
Speaker 1 (58:01):
If we've never heard ourselves or other people around us
say those loving things, you might need to hear it,
not just say it, but here it's said to you
by you.
Speaker 2 (58:10):
One of the few gifts of being a podcaster is
that my voice is readily available to me in a
frightening way all of the time, right, So I can
certainly relate to that the power of knowing that there
is something within you. You have the opportunity to help
yourself along the way, and we owe it to ourselves
(58:33):
to grab hold of that help whenever we can, Yes,
whenever we can. Okay, we're getting over the intimidation factor.
We're really at a place now where we are making
positive changes for ourselves. We're quote unquote starting fresh. We
know that on the journey to change, it is so
(58:54):
so important to celebrate yourself along the way. Why is that?
Why is it important to wreckgnize those small wins, especially
when you're staring up at quite a large summit ahead
of you.
Speaker 1 (59:06):
Oh my goodness, because it's the thing that keeps us going.
When we talked about the marathon earlier, the first time
you do that mile, you might be thinking that's nothing.
You know, I still have, you know, twenty five more
to learn how to do, but actually that there's so
many people that can't run a mile or walk a mile.
I remember when I couldn't run a mile I joined
the military. Running a mile and a half was like
(59:29):
I couldn't believe that that was something people were doing
on a regular basis. And so I personally know the
experience of how amazing it is to achieve something that
you didn't think your body could do. And whether it's
marathoning or having a hard conversation with people, or sending
the email for the job, or asking for the raise
or the promotion, no matter what it is, or saying
(59:50):
I like you would you like to go out all
of those vulnerable moments. I think celebrating I sent it.
I don't know what they're going to say, but I'm
just going to celebrate that I was brave enough to
send it because the hardest thing that we're afraid of
is disappointment rejection. What if they don't feel the same
way as me, What if they say no? What if
I do forget what I was going to say and
(01:00:11):
everybody's looking at me, and I know it fails, but
it's so brave to get up and do it again.
And I think this is why when we're on social
media and we see people making negative comments about people,
I think that is and it can get to you.
But I think one of the reasons that it hasn't
gotten to me too much is I think about what
(01:00:32):
you have to have going on in your life to
say negative things about someone you've never met, and that
that's how you're spending your time.
Speaker 3 (01:00:41):
And so.
Speaker 1 (01:00:43):
The shift for that is, look at how brave I
was to put this out there, and if I celebrate that,
it empowers me to keep going despite what people think.
And you probably know this. There was a time, I'm
sure when just your ten closest people were the only
people listening to this podcast. Yeah, there was a time
where only my five friends were liking my posts, right,
(01:01:05):
And so I was celebrating that that felt huge to me, like,
oh my god, I got one hundred.
Speaker 3 (01:01:11):
Likes as major that is.
Speaker 1 (01:01:13):
You know, those are the most special moments, and I
think it helps us to be able to have capacity
for the bigger ones when they come.
Speaker 2 (01:01:21):
You have to be your own biggest hype man or
a woman. Yeah whoever. First you mentioned your time in
the military, and at the top of this we mentioned
your newest gig with start today. You are no stranger
to frush starts. What has the willingness to start again
(01:01:46):
provided for you?
Speaker 3 (01:01:48):
I am not afraid to quit.
Speaker 1 (01:01:50):
I am not afraid to walk away from something because
I think I have enough muscle memory now that I
can do it again, and I can start again. I
do believe that many of us need to learn how
to be better quitters. There's nothing more powerful than deciding
this isn't working anymore. I'm going to close that chapter
and do something else. And I think that we have
(01:02:14):
such an association to quitting being a failure. It's not
a failure. It was just a chapter. It's time to
move on, it's time to move forward, it's time to
try something different. It's not easy, and I know that
there's something in me that makes this something that feels
like a challenge that for other people feels like a nightmare.
(01:02:35):
If starting again doesn't feel as exciting and invigorating, and
let's be honest, like at my age today, starting again
does not feel very exciting and vigorating.
Speaker 3 (01:02:43):
I'm like, I'm kind.
Speaker 1 (01:02:44):
Of good where I am and I'd like to just
ride this and not have to start again. But if
it doesn't feel exciting and invigorating, then don't and find
a small micro way to make where you are work
better for you. And if you can't do that, how
can you take one small step towards something that will
work for you? I think sometimes we think, oh, I
(01:03:05):
have to you know, I want to refresh. I just
want a new energy. A new energy doesn't mean you
have to like completely wrecking ball your life. It can
just be one small thing that that shifts everything for you.
Speaker 2 (01:03:15):
We've deemed this on the show before breaking the Matrix.
What that means is that sometimes that small change is
simply taking a different route to the yoga class that
you already love. Right, You've found something that you enjoy,
but you're feeling a little bit stagnant, So how can
I mix it up today? How can I break the matrix? Right?
(01:03:37):
And so, although we've talked today a lot about how
to get a fresh start, how to rejuvenate things, how
to feel more comfortable in who it is that you are,
own your circumstance, identify your values, then move into the
goal setting, et cetera. We've identified all of these things,
but at the end of the day, it is at
the root of what's best for insert your name here, Yeah, right,
(01:04:01):
what's best for Emily today, what's best for Yasmin today?
How can we move forward in a way that feels fulfilling,
and at the most important part, that feels good. Right.
It doesn't need to be an overhaul. It can be
if that's what feels good for you. Yeah, But owning it,
being willing to fail, that's also just so integral to
(01:04:23):
being able to move forward in a way that is good.
Speaker 1 (01:04:26):
And I hope that you are excited in this. I
posted about this the other day. But you work so
hard for what you're doing in your life you sometimes
don't even get to enjoy it. I really hope that
you make space to enjoy what you work so hard for.
It's we got into a place where unless you're having
(01:04:48):
a baby, getting married, that's it's like that's it. It's
like we don't even like really make a big deal
for birthdays, Like can we go all out?
Speaker 2 (01:04:57):
Yes? I mean I did before, I did this already.
Speaker 3 (01:04:59):
Snap.
Speaker 2 (01:04:59):
Now I just the eye roll. Like as a single
woman in my mid thirties, I'm like, can I celebrate anything?
Am I entitled? Am I entitled?
Speaker 3 (01:05:06):
I totally agree.
Speaker 1 (01:05:08):
I think it's just we really have got to get
away from like this. I want to say patriarchal. I
don't even know if it's patriarchal, but like the societal
idea of these are the only milestones that matter after
twenty five, and it's just ridiculous. And I think that
that's why community can be so powerful, especially if you're
one of the married friends in your group. Girl, you know,
(01:05:32):
leave your kids at home, show up for your single
friends and do something that they want to do. Like,
I think, we really just have to be that for
each other otherwise the cycles won't break.
Speaker 2 (01:05:41):
Girl. We could go into a whole other podcast about this,
so I'm about to wrap it. But I'm so so
happy that this all aligned and it's so easy yes
to sit down together. I'm sure so many women individuals
listening to this right now, they follow along with you,
but if they don't give us the deeds, how do
they keep up with you on the socials.
Speaker 1 (01:06:01):
So you can follow me at Yasmin Cheyenne, and if
you're interested in my books, they're available everywhere books are sold,
The Sugar Jar and Wisdom of the Path. And then
obviously you can find me on the Start Today at
Teaching Meditations.
Speaker 2 (01:06:13):
Beautiful, I'm Over, at Emily a Body, and at Hurdle
Podcast Another Hurdle Conquered. Catch you guys next time.
If you want to have the energy, the excitement, the joy,
the creativity to be able to create all the things
that you want to do this year, you're going to
have to let go of the stuff that is completely
wiping you out and that isn't good for you, and
that's going to require you to really choose yourself.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Hey, Hey, Emily, a body here. You are listening to
episode three hundred and thirty eight of Hurdle, a wellness
focused podcast where I talk to inspirational people about everything
from their highest ties and toughest moments to essential tips
on how to live a healthier, happier, more motivated life.
We all go through our fair share of hurdles. My
(00:54):
goal through these discussions is to empower you to better
navigate yours and move with intention so that you can
stride towards your own big potential and of course have
some fun along the way. You know, one of the
pieces of feedback I got going into season nineteen of
the show, which we are in right now, is that
(01:16):
y'all love a topiced episode. You love hearing stories from
athletes and founders, but you also love this actionable advice
that helps you get to where you want to be,
and so for today's episode, I am bringing in Yasmin Chaiamne.
She's a wellness coach, a self healing and wellness expert,
(01:37):
a two time author, one of the newest members of
the Start Today family, and we are chatting all about
fresh starts. It's something that's super relevant at the beginning
of a new year, so many of us after fresh beginnings,
and so in today's episode, Yasmin and I are talking
about how to meet yourself exactly where you're at to
(02:00):
get to where you want to be, the importance of
not judging your beginnings to harshly, how to get honest
with yourself without guilt or judgment about your current circumstance
in order to move forward and progress. When I tell
you I could sit down and listen to Yasmin talk
(02:20):
for hours, that is an understatement. I feel as though
I am calm when I am in her presence, and
I felt so lucky that we were able to connect
while she was in town. Like I said for that
Start Today launch, I'm going to link that new website
and app in the show notes, so definitely definitely check
(02:41):
it out. But yeah, amazing, amazing conversation today and I
am aiming to bring you more of what you want
in twenty twenty five. Again, this show it's my baby,
but it's as much mine as it is yours. So
if there's a certain topic you're into, a certain expert,
you want me to chat with an athlete, you want
to hear their story, I am all ears. We're getting better,
(03:04):
We're moving forward in twenty twenty five, we are becoming
exactly who we want to be, and that happens together.
Make sure you're following along with Hurdle over on social
It's at Hurdle Podcast. I am over at Emily a
body and with that, let's get to it. Let's get
to hurdling Today. I am sitting down with my friend
(03:29):
Yasmin Chayenne. She is a thought leader, a wellness expert,
a self care expert. She's also one of the newest
members of the Start Today family. How are we doing today?
Speaker 3 (03:41):
I'm so good? How are you?
Speaker 2 (03:42):
I'm so good. I'm so excited for you. I'm a
buzz for you right now. Talk to us about Start Today.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
Oh my gosh, I'm still like buzzing from that. I
just basically launched last night Start Today as a new app.
What I love about it is you know, I teach
meditation on the app, but there are so many people
teaching their like specific modality. There's somatic meditation, there's sound bowl,
there's every kind of fitness even if you have disabilities,
if you have if you need certain adjustments. They really
(04:12):
thought about everything and also the diversity. I don't know
if you noticed last night because Emily was there. It's
just beautiful to see and be a part of.
Speaker 3 (04:19):
So yeah, I.
Speaker 2 (04:21):
Love when a company pays attention a company, a brand
pays attention to the diversity the breath of individuals that
they want to work with. And to your point, it
was really clear at the launch event for this yesterday
that it was a priority.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
Absolutely absolutely, And I mean it's NBC, right, so there's
this also experience of pinch me. It's so funny that
I'm here today, honestly because I'm in the kind of
the area where I grew up.
Speaker 3 (04:51):
So it feels very full circle.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
I love that idea. I love that, you know, Brooklyn
has that way about it. Yes, well, I'm happy that
it's a full circle moment. And it's kind of fun
because so much has happened for you since you and
I first connected.
Speaker 3 (05:05):
I know so much.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
You're now a two time author. Yes, does that ever
get old for you?
Speaker 3 (05:10):
Never? Or never? Does it feel like I'm just so grateful?
Speaker 2 (05:15):
This is it?
Speaker 3 (05:15):
Yeah? Yeah, yeah, it's not it. No, I'm writing books
for me right now.
Speaker 2 (05:19):
You're like spoiler alert. There's so much more to be done. Well.
I am honored that we are able to find this
time to connect, especially at the beginning of this new year.
It was a no brainer to have someone that is
not only so compassionate but so dialed in to this
important topic of self care come in and talk to
(05:41):
us me about a topic that is, oh my gosh,
on everyone's mind right now, quote unquote, I need to
start over. Yeah, shutter, shutter. There's so much pressure that's
put on us at the start of a new year,
don't you agree?
Speaker 3 (05:57):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
I think that I don't know how we got into
a It probably was marketing or something, but how we
got into this rhythm of it's January first, so now
we need to like redo our whole lives. But we
fall for it, and we fall for hard every single year.
For myself and for a lot of my friends, I
think that we're getting towards this age where and I
(06:18):
don't even know, you know, if you're in your late
thirties to like mid forties, you're starting to feel like
every year does feel like a big deal because time
is limited. And I think that that's a real thing
that a lot of us are contending with.
Speaker 3 (06:31):
You see that, you.
Speaker 1 (06:33):
Know, you know, I'm not going to get carted again,
Like life is changing, like you know, and it's I
think it's becoming very real to a lot of us.
I think that there's that pressure. But if you're younger,
if you're the gen Z folks that are you know,
continuing with the new year, I think they also seem
to have a pressure that we didn't as millennials to
like really get it right because they have different circumstances
(06:54):
that their world is going to require for them if
they want to be successful, if they want you know,
all of these things. So I'm saying that to say
I think there's a truth to the fact that we
do need to reevaluate what didn't work last year and
try to be more intentional. And then there's the other
part of maybe we can do it with compassion, Maybe
it doesn't have to be so incredibly perfectionistic.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
Yeah, And for these this next generation, so much of
what they're doing is online, right right, it's platformed, and
so these individuals feel this extra added pressure to show
up in some kind of way because there's such instant access,
a journey for instant gratification, instant everything, and it's a
(07:39):
lot to deal with.
Speaker 3 (07:40):
It's a lot.
Speaker 1 (07:40):
And I was just talking to someone who was twenty one.
I don't even know if that's still gen Z. Maybe
it's a little bit young. I don't know, I've lost
the generation. But we were talking about the club, and
I know this is a hurdle podcast the club, the club,
but I could not imagine having been twenty one and
being watched and videoed in the club.
Speaker 3 (07:58):
Could you imagine? That's literally my nightmarees I'm so grateful
that he didn't have phones.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
And she was talking about how she doesn't feel like
her and her friends get to really have a good
time because you can't, right, And even from that like
very micro experience, I think that's the experience of what
it's like to have always been being watched, not just
by yourself and your own thoughts, which we all deal with,
but by your friends, your family, everyone, wants to know
(08:24):
what's next. That's what I think is. There was a
post I saw earlier before I got here. There was
this guy recording and trying to say new Year, New
fresh start, but he kept messing it up, so then
he's like angry, like typing it out again and then
setting it up and trying to find the right light.
I really feel like that's the simulation that we're in.
Speaker 2 (08:44):
I love that he's putting that out there, though, but
that's the stuff that we need. That's the vulnerability, because
vulnerability and imperfection is relatable perfection, and this aesthetic idealism
is not no and it's not real, it's not real
on the slightest. Well, before we dive into talking about
(09:05):
a fresh start, two things. One, I gotta know, we
just talked about the launch of Start today, But how
are you doing really at the top of this new year?
Speaker 1 (09:17):
Genuinely, I am a little tired. I cannot hang like
I used to, but I am actually really good. I
feel excited about everything that I'm working on. I feel
excited about just going home and getting back into the
routine of school and all that stuff with my kids.
(09:38):
I really had to Last year was a big year
for me, letting go of a lot of what the
pressures that I would put on myself and getting very
clear about what my purpose is, which I feel is
very important because if I am thinking about success from
what I am seeing online or what people or even
(09:58):
like my team or whatever what I do someone else
thinks successes, then I can get caught up and be
in a pattern of striving and never actually be able
to sit with the fact that this is actually the
path that.
Speaker 3 (10:10):
I need to be on.
Speaker 1 (10:10):
I don't need to be doing everything. I just want
to be doing these things. And if I'm doing these
things and I am doing what is best for me,
so that has helped me like reclaim so much of
my energy. And I think that's why even on like
five hours of sleep for the past two weeks, that
I feel just really good right now, accumulative five hours
of sleep for the past doing How do you let
(10:32):
go of the should? It sounds so airy and wonderful
and something to be a tad envious of when I
hear that, right it's I'm in this place where I've
been able to let it go. But how does one
let it go and focus on the things that truly
serve them rather than what they feel as though they
(10:53):
should be doing. I think it's really important to I'm glad.
I'm so glad you said that, because I don't want
to make it. I am not the you know, you
just let go and then open your heart like that's crazy.
I have to choose it every day personally, I am
a recovering perfectionist. I think that's going to be a
lifelong journey of mine. I think I'm constantly going to
be coming back to a place of choosing myself again
(11:17):
and choosing what's real versus the stories that play in
my head. And so every day I have to remind myself,
especially you know you probably relate with this when you
go online and you see like all the things we
see immediately like that starts turning in my mind and
I'm like, oh, I'm not doing enough. I'm not being enough,
I'm not showing up enough. I need to start doing tiktoks,
(11:39):
I need to start doing dances whatever all of it starts,
and then I have to come back to myself. And
sometimes I get caught on the story and like mid
way through learning a TikTok dance, I'm like, what the
hell are you doing yasmin? This is not a part
of I'm kidding, I'm not learning your TikTok dance, but like,
what are you doing?
Speaker 3 (11:56):
Like?
Speaker 1 (11:56):
This isn't a part of what So I think to
answer your question concisely, I constantly am coming back to
myself and having that internal conversation and reminding myself, this
isn't what you said you wanted, so let it go.
This isn't even a part of what is important for you.
This isn't one of your values, This isn't something that
matters to you. So you you gotta release it, gotta
release it.
Speaker 2 (12:16):
I love that idea of don't start doing a TikTok
dance just because you feel like you should be doing
a TikTok dance in your house. Obviously the TikTok dance
isn't the thing, but it's an example of the bag, right,
And so to get clear on what feels good right?
That was a question that I was asking myself a
lot in twenty twenty four. It was what feels good
for Emily in this moment, and being able to get
(12:38):
clear on that and be honest about that. That honesty
is the first barrier to seeking what it is that
you truly are aligned with, what you truly quote unquote
should be doing is asking yourself what feels good here?
And that felt good for me.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
Yeah, yeah, And I saw that difference. Yeah, you know,
watching your I mean obviously not watching in real life,
but watching you on your page. It just you can
tell when so one's sharing from a really intentional place.
And it felt like that, it just.
Speaker 3 (13:05):
Seemed like you. And that's an example before.
Speaker 2 (13:08):
Yeah, yeah, I appreciate that. And in the something that
Robin ar Song said to me a couple of weeks
ago when we sat down for the show, she said
that so often, as we are creating, doing living, we
have an inclination to compare ourselves to someone that is
on the mountaintop. Right, So maybe you are writing your
(13:30):
first book and you're looking on social media and comparing
yourself to someone who's a twenty two time New York
Times bestselling author, and understandable, right, there's a goal there.
Maybe there is some shininess to that, but you cannot
compare yourself on the draft of page one of your
first book to this person who's done it twenty two
(13:53):
times before. And it's challenging, not to do that, but
it happens more often than so many of us would
like to admit. Before we go any farther, further farther,
I think that we should get a little grounded. Perhaps
I was so inspired and in all of you in
the room last night, commanding this room of hundreds of people,
(14:15):
and there's so much happening. We're truly like right above
Union Square, there's the noise from the street, and yet
we were still able to slow down for just a second,
a few minutes maybe and do that really beautiful breathwork exercise.
So maybe for us in this room right now, you
and I and then also those listening to this wherever
they may be, maybe they're on their commute right now,
(14:36):
let's just get intentional for a second. And I love that,
and do a little breath So you want to lead
me in a little breath.
Speaker 1 (14:43):
For sure, Let's close our eyes for a minute and
take a deep breath in through your nose, exhaling out
through your mouth. And I just realized that my breath
was really tight. And if you ever feel that, you
can put your hand on your heart space again, take
it deep breath in through your nose, exhaling out through
(15:05):
your mouth, and just taking a moment to think about
perhaps any thoughts that have come up since we've been
talking about these very triggering topics around success and showing
up and who we are or who everyone thinks we
(15:27):
should be, and just feeling where there may be any tightness.
Speaker 3 (15:40):
Or tension.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
Or fear, and maybe getting a little curious about what
you could do to just be present to it, not
shift it, not change it, not judge it, just hold
space for it again, breathing in through your nose, exhaling
(16:09):
out through your mouth, dropping your shoulders a little further,
and again just feeling how being present to the tension,
being curious about the triggers, just sitting with it can
(16:31):
help it to dissipate within the body and maybe make
it just a little bit easier to shift, change, transform
witness in the future. We're just going to take one
more deep breath in and we're going to hold at
(16:52):
the top, exhaling out through the mouth, reminding yourself in
this moment that anytime you take time to come back
to yourself, even for a few minutes, it matters, and
(17:17):
gently opening your eyes.
Speaker 3 (17:20):
It matters.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
I needed that, I needed that, and it's so true
because as we get into this conversation about this desire
for a fresh start, at first, before you do anything,
you have to come back into your body.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
You have to yeah, the presence of being connected to
yourself and how that allows you to really witness. There
is no what do I want? Without being present? There
is no how can I move forward unless you're going
to be willing to be present. Presence is the hardest thing.
(17:59):
All of us have been in a situation where we
were with a friend and we're like, oh my gosh,
she is ignoring this red flag. It is blaring. We
do the same thing, and so honesty is hard. Honesty
is rigid, and once we know the truth, most of
us cannot live with, you know, just allowing it to
(18:21):
be not what we should be doing for ourselves. We're
going to have to make a change, And so we
ignore it so that we can stay kind of in
the ignorant bliss of whatever story, whatever hope, whatever we're
hoping will be. But when we're honest with ourselves, we
have to we usually make a change. So if you're
(18:42):
brave enough to witness yourself like that in itself is
major work. I think sometimes we're too hard on ourselves.
We think that, oh, I should have been further by now.
It might take you two years just to be honest
and witness It might take you that much time to
be willing. Some people live their whole lives and never
tell the truth.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
Witnessing yourself can be truly challenging because in this self
inquiry you start to see things that maybe you don't
want to see right and so understandably so at the
turn of a new year, when we're doing all this
self reflection, it can feel really turbulent. Also understandable that
there are so many people that finally feel like they
(19:20):
are in a place that they can say, I recognize
these things I'm doing. Maybe it's a pattern. Maybe it's
certain relationships that we have, certain company that we keep,
certain practices that we do that we're not so proud
of that don't make us feel so shiny and beautiful
and excited. So as we step into this place of
(19:44):
desiring a fresh start, the question arises, how can we
not judge ourselves for this past behavior.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
I honestly think this is where community comes in because
to be very clear, like we're talking about self reflection,
and yes, a lot of it is done alone. But
I think what really freed me and what really frees
a lot of people as I've been on this journey
and the work that I do working with people is
when you are witnessed by someone else and they can
(20:14):
mirror your light and what you really are versus what
you tell yourself you are or what society tells you
you are. So I never want anyone to think that
this work is a solo journey. If you're not in
the healing work or your journey for connection, I want
you to get really curious about why you're doing it
in the first place, because I hope that you're doing
(20:34):
it for vulnerability, for you know, community, for building and
being held and being able to hold in reciprocity. And
I think that's where we find out we're not really
so different, that I'm not really wrong. Everyone's going through
some version of this. That's I think where we really
stand in our power, and that in that moment of
(20:56):
sharing it with someone and they say like, maybe not
me too, but I so get that, or they reflect
to you, you know, are you really right about that?
Because I watched you last year and you kicked asks
last year. You know, they really allow you to come
out of whatever cycle you might be and stand more
firmly and a truth that again, when I say the truth,
(21:17):
the truth is not always bad. Sometimes the truth is
I've been so hard on myself for five years and
actually I've done everything that I wanted to do, and
I've just been in striving mode because you know, I've
never been taught how to love myself. I've never been
taught how to celebrate myself. Sometimes that's the truth that
you are winning, but you would never even admit that
because that has never been your norm. Sometimes the truth
(21:39):
is I don't know how to let love in. And
those truths can hurt, and they can also reflect that
the success is already there. So I hope that makes
sense for people who are listening that you may go
into it thinking this is what I'm going to learn
about myself, and then when you have somebody else reflect
to you, you realize, oh my gosh, to Nursing, that
(22:00):
there's so.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
Much power in what you mentioned about community, and also
so much importance to the validating of personal experience. When
you are going at something alone, it can feel like
you are on a small lifeboat in the middle of
(22:23):
the biggest ocean that there is right and to open
yourself up not only to recognize where you're at and
start to get honest about that, but then to community
to help you navigate this experience. You realize and remember
and are reminded that you are not alone, not only
in whatever it is that you're going through, but also
(22:44):
likely in how you feel.
Speaker 1 (22:47):
I don't think people realize how powerful that's why, and
I'm sure you know this with the Hurtler's community.
Speaker 3 (22:52):
When you have this is this.
Speaker 1 (22:55):
Is a perfect example for this ons podcast. When I
watch people finish marathons, I am in shambles, like because
we know what it took just to decide to go
for the first mile, like that first step is so hard,
and then to get injured and come back. And you
(23:15):
know that is why when we sign up for things
or when we do things and we think, oh, I'm
just running out, you know, a marathon, we'll see what happens. No,
it is a trans as you know and everyone listening
probably knows. It's a transformation. You're never the same again
because in community, you watched people, some people don't finish.
You never know what's going to happen. Like that's like
a very much metaphor for life, like you're on this
(23:37):
journey and you don't know how it's going to turn out,
But there's everyone else around you that has the same
vulnerability too. If you're willing to be in it and
be witnessed and you know, maybe you need to walk
the rest of the way, Maybe you when you allow
yourself to be held. That is what happens when we
say yes to leaning in, And that same analogy can
(23:59):
be applied to this self reflection to starting this new year.
If you don't remember anything else I've said today, I
hope that you remember to lean into your community. And
if you're listening and you're thinking, I don't have community,
I hope this is an invitation to you to really
begin to put yourselves in those rooms with people with
like minded ideas and beliefs and hobbies so that you
(24:20):
can find it. Because that could also just be the
very thing that you're missing this year. That might be
the one thing that you do and you will have
a transformation in your life if that's all you do
this year.
Speaker 2 (24:32):
What does community look like for you in practice? Right now?
Speaker 1 (24:35):
Oh, it's so freaking beautiful. I feel really grateful because
it wasn't always that way. Friday. This Friday, I'm going
to a friend's house and we're all coming together and
we're bringing a bunch of skincare products that none of
us have used that we're going to swap. We're writing
down our goals for the year, and then we're all
going to mail it to each other at the start
(24:55):
of next year.
Speaker 2 (24:56):
I'm obsessed with this. Everyone lovestening to us is now
about to get their own skincare party together.
Speaker 1 (25:02):
Yes, And it's like, you know how it is when
you get older, like and people have families and stuff
like that, you don't do stuff like this anymore. And
I think we really need that. We're really missing that
kind of connection. Like maybe we're not getting dressed up
and going out, you know, to so and going to dinner.
We're just going over to your house and we're all
(25:23):
wearing pajamas and we're hanging out. I think the easy normal,
you know, we don't have to film this kind of
community is what people are really really missing.
Speaker 3 (25:35):
Gen Z.
Speaker 2 (25:36):
I hope you're listening to this if you are a
member of gen Z and beyond. I don't even know
what's beyond gen Z.
Speaker 3 (25:42):
Danafa and Bravo. Bravo just started.
Speaker 2 (25:44):
Oh bravo. If you identify as any of these generations,
I encourage you to say, let's put the phones down.
And I actually believe that that is something that isn't
often spoken about when it comes to individuals that are
in pursuit of community. Yes, right, it's if we go
back to that example of running. If you're going to
(26:05):
go to a new run club and this is you
putting yourself out there, congrats, that's so exciting that you
are now in this place where you have both recognized
I am seeking community, this is a like minded interest.
I'm going to show up and do that. That is
step one. But step two, beyond arriving at said destination,
(26:25):
is being at the destination, being where your feet are,
being present with those around you, because you cannot form
relationships if you are one foot in and one foot out.
You cannot build a house without a foundation. And in
order to lay that foundation, you need to be present.
Speaker 1 (26:44):
Yes, and it's not easy to have community. You have
to be you have to show up. It's not always
going to be parties and events, and sometimes it's going
to be divorce and breakups and you know, heartbreaking things
that are that are happening, and being in community means
that we show up for all of it, the ugly
the great. I think you really need to be the
(27:06):
person that you're hoping to find.
Speaker 2 (27:08):
Amen.
Speaker 3 (27:09):
Amen.
Speaker 2 (27:09):
You can do good times with everyone, but you can't
do bad times with everyone. And if you're seeking long
lasting relationships and solid community, then you need to pay
attention to what it is that you are indulging in doing.
Living in together, breathing in together.
Speaker 1 (27:23):
Absolutely, absolutely, and be honest with yourself. You might know
that there's some people in your life that are not
your people. They're not your people, and everybody doesn't have
to be your closest friend. You know. This can just
be like your party friend, or this could just be
or we go out for drink's friend. They don't have
to turn into your close connection. I'm going to be
(27:45):
vulnerable with you and expect you to show up for
a person like I'm not saying compartmentalize people, but be
honest with yourself about who people are to you.
Speaker 3 (27:53):
It will save us a lot of heartbreak.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
Yeah yeah, because you can't put someone into a box
that they don't want to be in necessarily, and when
you do. It does result in that heartbreak difficulty and
that unsettling like center of your chest feeling when you're
seeking something from someone who doesn't want to be sought.
Speaker 3 (28:15):
Oh my gosh, it's so true.
Speaker 1 (28:17):
This is especially true with dating too, Like we want
people to be someone that they don't want to be.
And I think this is something that we do long term.
We do this with our parents. We do oh my god,
we do it with our kids. If you have kids,
we do it with everyone. The most honest thing that
we can do is accept people and like say to ourselves,
this is obviously who they are. Obviously you know, sometimes
(28:38):
there's going to be compromised, it's going to be boundaries,
but people will really let you know if they are
interested in what you are interested in. If they're not interested,
then you know it's time for you to like vote
with your feet.
Speaker 2 (28:48):
Vote with your feet. Ooh, we're laying down the truths
here today. Speaking of truths, I want to get honest
about values. Core values. Articulating what your value alues are
when you are feeling as though you want a fresh
start can be a really helpful way to set yourself
in the right direction. For so many individuals. They come
(29:11):
to me when I say the word values, and they're like,
how do I know what my values are?
Speaker 1 (29:16):
This is a hard one, right, because I think most
of our values are given to us, and then we
have to discern whether that's actually true with who we
are as we grow. I think that and this is
a hot take, I think, but anger is such a
good teacher for what our values are. And what I
mean by that is when you're in relationship, like if
(29:38):
you're waiting for a friend and they're forty five minutes
late and your blood is boiling. I've had people who
are like, I don't care if people are late, It's
no big deal to me. And then I've had other
people who are like, this is the rudest thing that
I've ever experienced.
Speaker 3 (29:53):
So this is a.
Speaker 1 (29:55):
Example, an example that isn't necessarily the best in terms
of values. But one of your values might be respect
my time. Like if you don't respect my time and
you don't respect the attention that we put toward each
other and you're late every time, that you might not
be the person for me. One of your values might
be you know, respect, And so if you meet someone
or if you're a relationship with someone who's showing you
(30:16):
that they're not going to be willing to do that.
That's a value. That's something that's a and it's also
a boundary. So when I say anger is a teacher,
I want you to pay attention to the relationships you
already have, the community you already have, or you might
be noticing, okay, this is something that isn't working for me.
I think it's easier. We're always able to really be
clear on what isn't working for us faster. I like
(30:37):
to start there. Let's just do that first. Once you
get clear on what isn't going to be okay, then
I want you to think about what makes your heart
really saying so like for me, having friends who are
like come over less swap products, that is such a
value for me. It feels like intentional connection is very
intentional and it's heart warming and it's easy. I also
(30:59):
think getting really curious about ways that you have pretended
performed said yes when you really didn't want to it
is another way for you to Again, this is like
the no list, But most of us are doing things
that we don't want to do. And so when I
hear somebody say I don't know what my values are.
It's it makes me feel like there are things in
(31:19):
your life that you're doing that aren't aligned. Because if
I asked you, like, what are your values? Or maybe
if you ask me what are my values? I think
I'd be able to name a few. But then in
certain areas of my life, if you said, what do
you value? Like I remember there was a time in
my career where people would say, what is your goal
long term? And I'd be like, I don't know. I'm
really just trying to make it through this year. So
(31:43):
get really clear about what those areas are. Separate. So
I'm going to just give you steps because I kind
of rambled just now. First step, separate personal and career.
If you don't have a career, and maybe you're stay
at home mom or you're in school, use that for
your personal self, for your personal side. Three goals or
three areas, three values, three things that matter to you.
(32:05):
Don't do more than three because more than three is
overwhelming and we will never look at this list again,
nor will we remember it. So three things personally, your
personal friendships, your personal time, your personal values, your dating,
you're romantic. Three things that matter to you just the
first three that come to mind for your career. If
you have one three things that really light you up,
(32:26):
even if you have to continue to work, if you
feel like you have a crap job, even if you
have to continue to work the crap job that you're at,
how can you turn it into When I come here,
this is the way that I find my light, those
three things, and that's where we have to put our energy.
And that's what's going to help us be able to
completely be clear on what our nose are. And this
(32:49):
is a really small way to start, and I think
the small ways are the most powerful. We're not going
to and this is again going back to this new year,
New me kind of vibe. We're not going to transform
in one day.
Speaker 3 (33:00):
Some people do. Usually it's like a life or death experience.
We don't want that.
Speaker 1 (33:06):
Let's just be a lot more easeful with this and
start small and watch how it begins to ripple into
something massive.
Speaker 2 (33:18):
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(34:44):
sample pack today. I love the sentiment of articulating your nose,
articulating your hard stops, because oftentimes it can feel hard
to dial in on those three things. Right. We're saying,
(35:05):
let's make a reasonable list of our core values, right,
and you start writing and you're like, wait, but I
care about all of these things, right, So coming to
a place where you can be like, well that's out,
that's out, that's out, It's like, okay, if that's easier
for you, start there and then transition into this place
where we are really getting intentional about what we're putting
(35:25):
on our yes list.
Speaker 1 (35:26):
Absolutely, and I think if you know what your nose are,
that's one of the most that's the hardest part. A
lot of us are just out here floating, you know,
not really understanding what our nose are because our family,
our friends, society has kind of dictated you're a woman,
this is what you should do. You're a mom, this
is what you should do. You're my partner, this is
(35:46):
what you should do. And I have conversations with people,
and I'm sure you've had them where you're like, you're
catching up with someone maybe you don't speak to a lot,
and they're like, yeah, you know, but that's just you
know the way tim is, and that's how it is.
And they do this uncomfortable laugh where it's like we
both know you don't you don't you're laughing and this
isn't funny to you, that to know, but we don't
feel comfortable saying it, and so we're uncomfortably sharing it
(36:09):
with you.
Speaker 3 (36:09):
And now you walk away with their slime.
Speaker 1 (36:11):
And you know, but that's what we do in relationship.
We don't know how to be honest, so we just
kind of laugh it off. Those are the moments that
you know that this isn't really for me, and you've
got to have those uncomfortable conversations with yourself and with others.
A lot of people are waiting to meet you. I
know we often talk about get that personality of your life.
They don't really care about you, they don't meet your boundary.
(36:31):
That's true for some people, but I have found that
most people would be interested in meeting you if they
knew how to meet you. But that is your work
to share how to meet you.
Speaker 2 (36:45):
That is your work to do. Now, why is it
important that someone has an understanding or perhaps begins to
articulate their values before they lay the groundwork for some
goal setting, Right, what is it about being able to
say I have a value rooted in community or I
(37:05):
have a value rooted in family, to then be able
to write down an important actionable goal.
Speaker 1 (37:12):
This is so good. So I'll give myself as an example.
My word for the year is abundance.
Speaker 2 (37:17):
I knew that I wrote it down. I wrote it down.
Speaker 1 (37:19):
Yes, So if that's the through line of what I
want my experiences to be, the first thing that I
need to do is first define what abundance is for me.
Speaker 3 (37:29):
What does that look like? What does that feel like?
Speaker 1 (37:31):
So I live in an area that's like by the water,
and I can walk by the water pretty much within
fifteen minutes, and that to me is abundance. If I
get twenty five minutes to walk past the water and
see it and walk back to my house, that's abundance
to me because I own my time. And that's something
that I mean, I don't think that I think is priceless.
(37:54):
It has a price, but it feels priceless to me.
And so if I get asked to do something that
interferes with that, and that also doesn't align with abundance
and health money resources connection, then it might be a no.
And I think, I know that might sound like that's
a lot of steps. No, it was like really quick
(38:15):
kind of flow chart.
Speaker 3 (38:17):
Abundance. Is it leading towards what makes me feel good? Yes?
Speaker 1 (38:21):
How does it? Because it's an abundance in health? Okay,
great abundance. I don't really want to do this. It
doesn't feel good to me.
Speaker 3 (38:27):
It's a no.
Speaker 1 (38:28):
When we get clear about that initial energy we want
to bring in, then you can set the framework for
what you want.
Speaker 3 (38:34):
Those goals to be.
Speaker 1 (38:35):
So all of my three personal my three career are
fueled by the word abundance. If you ask me what
my three personal goals for the year are and my
three career goals, I honestly cannot tell you right now.
Speaker 3 (38:48):
It's in my bag.
Speaker 1 (38:49):
But if you ask me the energy, I remember that
one word, that abundance, And so when I'm getting asked
those questions, I know to keep that with me.
Speaker 2 (38:56):
You know what's so funny is that yesterday I was
talking about out what some of my goals were for
the year are for the year, and my life coach
that I sat down with she said to me, perhaps
we get a little bit more broad, And I said,
but if it's more broad. How am I going to
accomplish my goals? And she said, it's not that you're
(39:17):
not going to accomplish those specific goals, but if you
make it more broad, then you may surprise yourself on
what happens next. And that really resonated with me, right
because I believe that there is both a time and
a place to set a smart goal specific, measurable, attainable, relevant,
time bound, but then also be able to say, but
I am open to whatever the universe has in store
(39:39):
for me.
Speaker 3 (39:39):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (39:41):
We have to human, we have to adult, we need
to pay our bills, we need to do all these things.
Like those smart goals are important sometimes, but in the
way that I teach and I usually work with people
who are like the smart goal types, I'm like, we're
going to throw our smart goals out today, and it's hard.
Like I used to be in a government and legal
and a project manager, Honey, I like lived my life
(40:05):
by smart goals. But when you free yourself and you
allow yourself to think, Okay, what if I just trusted
and again, I run a business, right, So I'm still
making business decisions, I'm still being strategic, I'm still budgeting
I'm still planning. I'm not saying like, let's just throw
it to the wind and see what happens. No, But
it's bringing that energy with you and trusting that you
(40:27):
will know if this is the right decision based on
what you said, you want to be available in your
life as you're living it this year, and there's going
to be hard times. I come up and there are
going to be moments where I'm like, this isn't feeling
really abundant right now, and I'm going to decide how
I can do the next best thing that will bring
(40:47):
some of that energy into my life and also focus
on the areas that are very abundant. But I think
that it frees us the specific and to your point,
last year, my goals were really specific, very specific. It
was a lot of fun to be very intentional and
do those specific things. I was like, I'm going to
(41:08):
go surfing, even though I don't know how to swim
in the ocean. That was a very specific goal. So
I think it can be very powerful to set those too.
And also I think we have to free ourselves a
little bit to allow the magic.
Speaker 2 (41:20):
It's a yes and yes, and it's a yes both
right and I love that you had a specific goal
about surfing in the ocean, right, because sometimes when we
integrate things like that into our bigger picture goal setting,
you're reminded that not every goal needs to be so
dang serious.
Speaker 3 (41:39):
Right, It's so freaking true.
Speaker 2 (41:41):
It's so true because yes, like I certainly have goals
in different categories that I like to dig into, whether
it be work, career, mindfulness, financial, personal, right, relationships, I
have goals in all of those categories. But for me,
a huge goal overall is to seek new experiences this year.
(42:04):
And so then I ask myself, Okay, if you are
creving new experiences, what does that look like in practice? Okay, cool?
What that looks like in practice? For me this year
is trying one new experience every single week. So on
Sunday morning, when I am I have this page in
a journal that I like to use, and yes, I'll
link it in the show notes. But I have a
page where I plan out my activities for the week,
(42:27):
and most of those are rooted in like my personal
health and well being. So I'll write out what days
I'm string training, what days I'm doing yoga. What does
this look like? By the way, you're killing it. Oh,
you're so sweet to me. But I know that this
has worked for me in my health and wellness routine.
So let's go back to my emotional health. My emotional
health hinges on bringing myself these new experiences.
Speaker 3 (42:49):
Now.
Speaker 2 (42:49):
Yeah, so I'm like, okay, on Wednesday this evening, actually
I'm going to a pottery studio for the first time.
Speaker 3 (42:58):
I love it. You're gonna love it.
Speaker 2 (43:00):
I'm so excited. I didn't when I was younger, but
not like as a grown woman living in Brooklyn. So
I'm gonna take myself over to green Point and go
with a girlfriend. And also that was me in addition
boundary setting because when my girlfriend said, why don't we
go to a workout on Wednesday night? I said, Emily
(43:21):
in twenty twenty five needs to socialize in a way
that's not always me burning calories. I mean, I'm sure
there's calorie burn in some sort of like pottery real
moment for me, but I'm just saying that, like, I
need to find activities that are me fueling myself, giving
to myself in a way that I'm not just everyone's
fitness friend.
Speaker 1 (43:39):
So my first pottery class was last year. I'm so
special about it is you can't be on your phone
and you have to wear crap clothes because you don't
want to get the stuff on your clothes.
Speaker 2 (43:47):
Yeah, this is a good tip because I was not
thinking about that. So I will not show up to pottery.
Speaker 1 (43:51):
In my line, you really don't want to bring your jewelry, okay,
because you don't want to get so it's like it
makes you take all the arm off and just come
have a good time.
Speaker 2 (44:00):
I love that. I'm ready to have a good time.
Speaker 3 (44:01):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (44:02):
I mentioned going with their girlfriend tonight, which brings me
back to this idea of bringing in your community, finding
community in the pursuit of your goals, knowing that not
only can community help you stay accountable to the things
that excite you, but they can also support you knowing
that some of these things might be you stepping out
a little bit from your comfort zone. Now, when we're
(44:22):
talking about a fresh start, oftentimes that requires that we
do an inventory of our circle. Another really challenging thing
because oftentimes you are confronted with some hard truths. For
those that are looking to do an inventory of their
circle when they're thinking about this fresh start, what should
(44:45):
they know?
Speaker 1 (44:45):
The first thing that I want to say is let
the people that you're holding on too, who have been
trying to walk away, walk away.
Speaker 3 (44:52):
I think that's the easiest first step.
Speaker 2 (44:54):
I just gave like a sorority snap over here. I
was like, let them.
Speaker 1 (44:57):
Go, let them we've been holding and if we just released,
that's the first easy. Ones that are going to walk away, like,
they will not call you back, they're not going to
text you back. Okay, We're going to move on. The
next thing is look at the people who have been
trying to hang out with you and for whatever reason.
You know how when you're in middle school and there's
like the people that want to hang out with you,
but for some reason, you keep trying to be around
(45:18):
the people who are quote unquote cool or whatever, like
you're trying to make it work with someone else when
there's like a much easier person to hang out with.
I want you to look at your circle and your
life and say, who are the people that I could
really be having a good time with and hanging out
with that for some reason I'm not paying attention to
because I'm trying to make it work with these other
folks over here who are rescheduling or not shown, you know,
(45:41):
not coming through. I think the last thing is look
at the folks who you had a great time with
last year or in the last few months, and really
ask yourself, how can I be with them more?
Speaker 3 (45:53):
Often say it.
Speaker 1 (45:55):
There's a few friends of mine we've actually said, can
we spend more time together this year? Platonic romance is
such an important part of relationships, and I don't think
that we put enough attention on it. And we want
to hear that people want to spend time with us.
I know, I'm sure you want to hear it like
it was great being with you. I'm sure your friend
(46:17):
who you're going to pottery with is probably excited and
wouldn't have normally chose it were we think sometimes you know,
will they want to do this or will they see
me like this? And often people are like that sounds amazing.
I wouldn't have chosen that. Yes, I'm supporting you, and
also this is fun for me too, So you'll be
surprised by what choosing yourself will open up you and
your relationships and the people who care about you to
(46:39):
do with you, be with you, and show up for you.
Speaker 2 (46:42):
The biggest word in that for me and the biggest
word that I have focused on over the last three
sixty five is ease. Easy. When you spend time with
someone and it feels easy, that is a relationship that's
in alignment. And there are going to be times in
(47:02):
life where relationships feel easy and they feel difficult. I'm
not saying that you must walk away from the difficult
feeling relationships. What I am saying is have the awareness
to recognize when something feels like you're trying to put
a round peg into a square hole. You have to
respect the relationship enough and yourself enough to know when
(47:25):
to walk away. And that's not easy.
Speaker 3 (47:27):
Or sometimes it's very easy.
Speaker 2 (47:28):
Yeah, well true exactly.
Speaker 1 (47:30):
Sometimes it's like, oh God, thank you, I'm so glad
this is done because it's so uncomfortable. But most times
it's not easy, and I really feel like that's another thing,
Like I know I mentioned earlier, If you don't remember
anything else, lean into your community.
Speaker 3 (47:44):
This would be the second big thing.
Speaker 1 (47:45):
If you don't remember any of the other things, let
people either draining you. You wake up in the morning
or you go to bed at night and you're like,
I just feel like I literally ran a marathon and
I've done nothing today, it's the people in your life.
Often it's the people in your life. We can't control work.
There's going to be coworkers, our boss, all of that stuff.
There's going to be things that we but you can
(48:06):
control your personal relationships or even your family that maybe
you don't need to be having as close of a
relationship with because it's not healthy for you and it's
not healthy for them.
Speaker 3 (48:15):
And so.
Speaker 1 (48:17):
If you want to have the energy, the excitement, the joy,
the creativity to be able to create all the things
that you want to do this year, you're going to
have to let go of the stuff that is completely
wiping you out and that isn't good for you, and
that's going to require you to really choose yourself.
Speaker 2 (48:35):
It's like when you may unknowingly have mold in your apartment.
Speaker 3 (48:39):
Oh my gosh, yes, you.
Speaker 2 (48:42):
Don't know that there's mold there, But every day at
the end of the day you're like, why do I
feel more tired today at six thirty pm than I should?
M h And one day someone walks in and they say,
something feels often here and then you find out that
this was there the whole time. Yeah, this is something
truly that I can really relate to over the past year.
I mean, there was so much personal work that I
(49:04):
was doing emotionally that went with a lot of the
changes that I was making within my personal wellness routine.
And I believe that that emotional work and what it
freed up for me is truly the most priceless aspect
of this journey that I've been on over the last
three sixty five.
Speaker 3 (49:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (49:23):
Yeah, And I also think that, like to your point,
a lot of us think that we don't have community
and we don't have anyone that wants to show up
with us for us and be there with us. But
actually it's just that we are looking for those particular
people to be something that they're not. That goes back
to that same thing. And so when we release them
and we stop trying to shift or change the relationship
(49:44):
or make it something that it's not, we're honest with ourselves,
then we can really have that connection with the people
that we want to be with, or we have the
space to meet The new people who you have around
you is so important. And I know everyone hears everyone
say that, and they say, oh, it's you know, it's
very cliche.
Speaker 3 (50:01):
It's everything.
Speaker 1 (50:02):
If you're trying to achieve things, you need to have
people around you who love you, see you, respect you.
If you're trying to change transform, if you want to
date new people, like even people friends of mine who
are dating, it's like, you know, I can't find any
good guys. I keep getting hooked up with all these
you know, wild guys.
Speaker 3 (50:19):
Well, who who are your friends? Why are they sending
you on these wild dates?
Speaker 1 (50:23):
Obviously we can't know everyone, but like, it's really being
intentional about the energy that you have around you, and
they may it's not that your friend is bad, it's
just they may have something that's a yes for them,
that's a no for you. Stop expecting people to bring
you the fruit that's for your tree when they're a
completely different tree. Like they're avocado, you're apple. It's not
(50:46):
gonna happen.
Speaker 2 (50:47):
It ain't gonna happen. I'm a live tree. It's not
gonna happen. It's not gonna happen. Yeah, that's super relatable.
And we are a sum of the people that we
keep around us, whether or not that we are willing
to admit that right, and when there are people that
are in your life that are perhaps cuing you to
go right when you are on a path to go left,
(51:09):
then you need to ask yourself, why am I still
willing to listen to them if we are going in
separate directions.
Speaker 1 (51:15):
Absolutely, this goes back to the honesty and the maybe
being honest about the ways you people please perform do
things because you're afraid to lose a relationship. And I
think this is the last thing you know that I'll
mention on the like friendship thing. But if you find
yourself performing to be in a relationship because you're afraid
(51:35):
that you're going to lose a relationship, that is not
a healthy attribute of being in community. People should be
willing to see you and love you for who you are.
The first thing, though, is check in with yourself and
ask yourself if you're doing this and no one's asking
you to do this. It might be learned behavior from
your family from growing up, where performing was what you
had to do to be safe and to be seen.
(51:57):
So it might just be a you thing. But if
it's not just a thing and people are expecting this
version of you, it's kind of like when everyone knows
that you're not drinking anymore, but they keep pressuring you
to have a drink, because that's what they need for
you to for them to feel comfortable. It's not a match.
And so just be honest with yourself in those moments,
because those are easy ones to walk not easy in
(52:19):
terms of letting go, but easy ones to realize and
walk away from.
Speaker 2 (52:23):
You mentioned the word like scary or intimidating, right, and
change can be really scary and really intimidating. What we
know is that oftentimes change happens not when we're ready,
but more so when we are willing to take the
first step. For me personally, change has really really settled
(52:45):
with me when staying where I was was harder than
making the change where it got so quote unquote bad
that I had a moment looking in the mirror and
I said, I can't live this way anymore. Knowing that
change can still be really intimidating, how do we get
(53:08):
over that intimidation factor.
Speaker 1 (53:11):
I actually don't think we get over it. I think
we have to lean into it. Discomfort is a teacher.
When we see how uncomfortable we are then and we
feel into it, that's where we learn, Okay, this is who,
this is why they're making me uncomfortable, this is what
they said that makes me uncomfortable. This is what they
do when I'm around, like offering me the drinks if
(53:31):
I don't want, you know whatever. This is when I
learn what's a boundary for me, what's a no for me?
What I need from my friends? And I think the
only thing that we can do in terms of maybe
not getting over the intimidation or the fear or I
think these are normal emotions we're supposed to have. We're
supposed to like like, if there's a bear, it's like, whoa,
(53:51):
it's a freaking bear.
Speaker 2 (53:52):
WHOA.
Speaker 1 (53:53):
We're supposed to feel that. But I do think that
we're supposed to also at some point decide to run
or decide to move, or decide to make a decision.
And so how can I feel afraid, scared, worried, you know,
even the little thing which is really a big thing
where we're like what are they going to tell everybody else?
Speaker 2 (54:14):
Like?
Speaker 1 (54:15):
What are other people are going to think about me
when I choose myself? What are people going to sit
there and say, Oh, she changed, she's not the same
person she used to be. Oh she got she thinks
she's you know whatever. That alone is the reason a
lot of people don't shift or change, and so those
are all us things. Though we can't control what other
people are going to think about us, we have to
be willing to allow them to kind of run their
(54:38):
mouths and choose ourselves anyway. So I know that sounds
like not the best answer, but I do think it's
the truth I have not ever seen, because in my
experience in teaching, when we get rid of intimidation, we're
performing because you're still scared, but you're just performing. It's like,
and you've been on stage, you know how you no
(55:00):
matter how many times you get on stage, before you
get on stage, you're like, whow, I hope this goes well.
I hope this is okay. I hope I remember what
I'm going to say.
Speaker 3 (55:06):
I hope you know. I hope I'm grounded.
Speaker 1 (55:08):
We've done it hundreds of times and you still feel it.
I think that's a part of the experience, and.
Speaker 2 (55:12):
As a part of the experience, and then you owe
it to yourself to find the tools that help you
show up despite the fact that you're intimidated. For me, personally,
I really rely and lean heavily into I AM statements,
and I've spoken about these on the show before, but
writing down a simple list which might take me literally
(55:32):
thirty seconds to a minute, on things I know to
be true despite the stories that might be spinning in
my brain. Right So perhaps in that I'm about to
get on stage, example, it is I am confident, I
am sure of myself, I know what I'm talking about,
just listing out things that I know to be true,
so that the anxieties that I'm feeling, that narration that
(55:55):
might be playing in my mind, I can quiet that
a bit to know that I've.
Speaker 1 (55:59):
Got it's so true. And actually, affirmations have changed my life.
I have affirmations on the voice note section of my phone,
so I record them, so I have them labeled imposter syndrome,
fear you don't belong like you know, whatever the thought
might be. And then when I get afraid, I play them.
(56:21):
They do help me to remember that I belong, my power,
all of those amazing things. And I do play them
before I go on stage or before I have tough conversations.
Speaker 3 (56:30):
But I don't know.
Speaker 1 (56:31):
I just want people to know that, like, if you're
still feeling the feelings, that that's okay too, and that
even though affirmations are beautiful, and they help me come
back to myself. They don't erase the knee jerk reaction
of the emotion. Oh, I'm about to have a scary
conversation and I don't know what's going to happen. I
will say that in my life now and maybe feel
(56:52):
this way too. Most of the conversations I'm afraid to
have are not as bad. The story is way bigger
and the person is way more willing to see, and
it's easier. But that's after the rooting out. Yeah, of
all of the relationships that weren't working.
Speaker 2 (57:09):
Can you give us an example or a quote unquote
live read of what the affirmations would be for I'm
about to go in and have a really scary conversation.
Speaker 1 (57:20):
Oh my gosh, I love this. So I would have
statements like, no matter the outcome, I'm still worthy. On
the other side of this, I will still have community.
I belong despite what they think about me. No matter
what they say about me, I can still choose myself like.
Those are the kinds of things that I would write
(57:40):
out or I would have in the voice note section.
And the reason why I think voice is so powerful
is because when you hear yourself saying it. I believe
it reprograms our nervous system. Sometimes when I have a
thought that's like, oh, I don't know what's going to happen,
and I hear myself say it, I'll hear myself in
my head say it because I've heard myself say it.
Speaker 3 (58:00):
Affirmation.
Speaker 1 (58:01):
If we've never heard ourselves or other people around us
say those loving things, you might need to hear it,
not just say it, but here it's said to you
by you.
Speaker 2 (58:10):
One of the few gifts of being a podcaster is
that my voice is readily available to me in a
frightening way all of the time, right, So I can
certainly relate to that the power of knowing that there
is something within you. You have the opportunity to help
yourself along the way, and we owe it to ourselves
(58:33):
to grab hold of that help whenever we can, Yes,
whenever we can. Okay, we're getting over the intimidation factor.
We're really at a place now where we are making
positive changes for ourselves. We're quote unquote starting fresh. We
know that on the journey to change, it is so
(58:54):
so important to celebrate yourself along the way. Why is that?
Why is it important to wreckgnize those small wins, especially
when you're staring up at quite a large summit ahead
of you.
Speaker 1 (59:06):
Oh my goodness, because it's the thing that keeps us going.
When we talked about the marathon earlier, the first time
you do that mile, you might be thinking that's nothing.
You know, I still have, you know, twenty five more
to learn how to do, but actually that there's so
many people that can't run a mile or walk a mile.
I remember when I couldn't run a mile I joined
the military. Running a mile and a half was like
(59:29):
I couldn't believe that that was something people were doing
on a regular basis. And so I personally know the
experience of how amazing it is to achieve something that
you didn't think your body could do. And whether it's
marathoning or having a hard conversation with people, or sending
the email for the job, or asking for the raise
or the promotion, no matter what it is, or saying
(59:50):
I like you would you like to go out all
of those vulnerable moments. I think celebrating I sent it.
I don't know what they're going to say, but I'm
just going to celebrate that I was brave enough to
send it because the hardest thing that we're afraid of
is disappointment rejection. What if they don't feel the same
way as me, What if they say no? What if
I do forget what I was going to say and
(01:00:11):
everybody's looking at me, and I know it fails, but
it's so brave to get up and do it again.
And I think this is why when we're on social
media and we see people making negative comments about people,
I think that is and it can get to you.
But I think one of the reasons that it hasn't
gotten to me too much is I think about what
(01:00:32):
you have to have going on in your life to
say negative things about someone you've never met, and that
that's how you're spending your time.
Speaker 3 (01:00:41):
And so.
Speaker 1 (01:00:43):
The shift for that is, look at how brave I
was to put this out there, and if I celebrate that,
it empowers me to keep going despite what people think.
And you probably know this. There was a time, I'm
sure when just your ten closest people were the only
people listening to this podcast. Yeah, there was a time
where only my five friends were liking my posts, right,
(01:01:05):
And so I was celebrating that that felt huge to me, like,
oh my god, I got one hundred.
Speaker 3 (01:01:11):
Likes as major that is.
Speaker 1 (01:01:13):
You know, those are the most special moments, and I
think it helps us to be able to have capacity
for the bigger ones when they come.
Speaker 2 (01:01:21):
You have to be your own biggest hype man or
a woman. Yeah whoever. First you mentioned your time in
the military, and at the top of this we mentioned
your newest gig with start today. You are no stranger
to frush starts. What has the willingness to start again
(01:01:46):
provided for you?
Speaker 3 (01:01:48):
I am not afraid to quit.
Speaker 1 (01:01:50):
I am not afraid to walk away from something because
I think I have enough muscle memory now that I
can do it again, and I can start again. I
do believe that many of us need to learn how
to be better quitters. There's nothing more powerful than deciding
this isn't working anymore. I'm going to close that chapter
and do something else. And I think that we have
(01:02:14):
such an association to quitting being a failure. It's not
a failure. It was just a chapter. It's time to
move on, it's time to move forward, it's time to
try something different. It's not easy, and I know that
there's something in me that makes this something that feels
like a challenge that for other people feels like a nightmare.
(01:02:35):
If starting again doesn't feel as exciting and invigorating, and
let's be honest, like at my age today, starting again
does not feel very exciting and vigorating.
Speaker 3 (01:02:43):
I'm like, I'm kind.
Speaker 1 (01:02:44):
Of good where I am and I'd like to just
ride this and not have to start again. But if
it doesn't feel exciting and invigorating, then don't and find
a small micro way to make where you are work
better for you. And if you can't do that, how
can you take one small step towards something that will
work for you? I think sometimes we think, oh, I
(01:03:05):
have to you know, I want to refresh. I just
want a new energy. A new energy doesn't mean you
have to like completely wrecking ball your life. It can
just be one small thing that that shifts everything for you.
Speaker 2 (01:03:15):
We've deemed this on the show before breaking the Matrix.
What that means is that sometimes that small change is
simply taking a different route to the yoga class that
you already love. Right, You've found something that you enjoy,
but you're feeling a little bit stagnant, So how can
I mix it up today? How can I break the matrix? Right?
(01:03:37):
And so, although we've talked today a lot about how
to get a fresh start, how to rejuvenate things, how
to feel more comfortable in who it is that you are,
own your circumstance, identify your values, then move into the
goal setting, et cetera. We've identified all of these things,
but at the end of the day, it is at
the root of what's best for insert your name here, Yeah, right,
(01:04:01):
what's best for Emily today, what's best for Yasmin today?
How can we move forward in a way that feels fulfilling,
and at the most important part, that feels good. Right.
It doesn't need to be an overhaul. It can be
if that's what feels good for you. Yeah, But owning it,
being willing to fail, that's also just so integral to
(01:04:23):
being able to move forward in a way that is good.
Speaker 1 (01:04:26):
And I hope that you are excited in this. I
posted about this the other day. But you work so
hard for what you're doing in your life you sometimes
don't even get to enjoy it. I really hope that
you make space to enjoy what you work so hard for.
It's we got into a place where unless you're having
(01:04:48):
a baby, getting married, that's it's like that's it. It's
like we don't even like really make a big deal
for birthdays, Like can we go all out?
Speaker 2 (01:04:57):
Yes? I mean I did before, I did this already.
Speaker 3 (01:04:59):
Snap.
Speaker 2 (01:04:59):
Now I just the eye roll. Like as a single
woman in my mid thirties, I'm like, can I celebrate anything?
Am I entitled? Am I entitled?
Speaker 3 (01:05:06):
I totally agree.
Speaker 1 (01:05:08):
I think it's just we really have got to get
away from like this. I want to say patriarchal. I
don't even know if it's patriarchal, but like the societal
idea of these are the only milestones that matter after
twenty five, and it's just ridiculous. And I think that
that's why community can be so powerful, especially if you're
one of the married friends in your group. Girl, you know,
(01:05:32):
leave your kids at home, show up for your single
friends and do something that they want to do. Like,
I think, we really just have to be that for
each other otherwise the cycles won't break.
Speaker 2 (01:05:41):
Girl. We could go into a whole other podcast about this,
so I'm about to wrap it. But I'm so so
happy that this all aligned and it's so easy yes
to sit down together. I'm sure so many women individuals
listening to this right now, they follow along with you,
but if they don't give us the deeds, how do
they keep up with you on the socials.
Speaker 1 (01:06:01):
So you can follow me at Yasmin Cheyenne, and if
you're interested in my books, they're available everywhere books are sold,
The Sugar Jar and Wisdom of the Path. And then
obviously you can find me on the Start Today at
Teaching Meditations.
Speaker 2 (01:06:13):
Beautiful, I'm Over, at Emily a Body, and at Hurdle
Podcast Another Hurdle Conquered. Catch you guys next time.
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I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Ruthie's Table 4
For more than 30 years The River Cafe in London, has been the home-from-home of artists, architects, designers, actors, collectors, writers, activists, and politicians. Michael Caine, Glenn Close, JJ Abrams, Steve McQueen, Victoria and David Beckham, and Lily Allen, are just some of the people who love to call The River Cafe home. On River Cafe Table 4, Rogers sits down with her customers—who have become friends—to talk about food memories. Table 4 explores how food impacts every aspect of our lives. “Foods is politics, food is cultural, food is how you express love, food is about your heritage, it defines who you and who you want to be,” says Rogers. Each week, Rogers invites her guest to reminisce about family suppers and first dates, what they cook, how they eat when performing, the restaurants they choose, and what food they seek when they need comfort. And to punctuate each episode of Table 4, guests such as Ralph Fiennes, Emily Blunt, and Alfonso Cuarón, read their favourite recipe from one of the best-selling River Cafe cookbooks. Table 4 itself, is situated near The River Cafe’s open kitchen, close to the bright pink wood-fired oven and next to the glossy yellow pass, where Ruthie oversees the restaurant. You are invited to take a seat at this intimate table and join the conversation. For more information, recipes, and ingredients, go to https://shoptherivercafe.co.uk/ Web: https://rivercafe.co.uk/ Instagram: www.instagram.com/therivercafelondon/ Facebook: https://en-gb.facebook.com/therivercafelondon/ For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iheartradio app, apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.