December 9, 2024 • 28 mins
Why do we hide and lie? How can we stop? This episode will help you feel safe enough to tell the truth—or at least a little safer. I'll lead you in an experiential exercise, similar to what I facilitate in Husband Material Academy and private coaching sessions. Warning: this will be very deep...
Resources mentioned in this episode:
- How To Tell Her About The Porn: Full Disclosure (podcast)
- The 6 Fs: A Process To Jumpstart Healing (free PDF)
- Certified Husband Material Coaches (directory)
Take the Husband Material Journey...
- Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
- Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
- Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
- Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy
Thanks for listening!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to the Husband Material podcast, where
we help Christian men outgrowporn.
Why?
So you can change your brain,heal your heart and save your
relationship.
My name is Drew Boa and I'mhere to show you how let's go.
Today, we're talking abouthiding and lying, one of the
(00:24):
most important areas to focus onfor men outgrowing porn.
I have helped a lot of guysoutgrow porn and I have helped a
lot of guys learn how to stophiding and lying about it.
Becoming honest, transparentand vulnerable is absolutely
essential to outgrowing porn andbecoming a mature man who is
(00:48):
trustworthy in a relationship,and it is also extremely
difficult if you have spentyears and years learning how to
hide and lie.
And before we go any further, Iwant to pause and say wow, if
(01:09):
you have an issue with hidingand lying, especially about porn
, the fact that you're listeningto this episode is so brave.
Thank you for trusting me assomeone who can help you with
this, and I promise to be gentleand curious and compassionate
and kind as we explore whatmight be underneath this
(01:34):
tendency to hide and lie.
Maybe you have found yourselfhiding from your wife or your
girlfriend hiding from your wifeor your girlfriend.
Maybe you have found yourselfhiding from other men or
recovery groups.
You may have lied to youraccountability partner about
(01:55):
needing to unlock your phone, oryou may even have an issue with
self-deception.
Many of us are hiding fromourselves or we're lying to
ourselves about our issues.
For some of us, this pattern ofhiding and lying is so deeply
entrenched that we don't alwaysrealize when we're doing it.
(02:18):
We might not even be aware thatwe're hiding or lying or
leaving out important parts ofthe truth.
Be aware that we're hiding orlying or leaving out important
parts of the truth.
So, whether you want to be morehonest and vulnerable with the
woman you love, with other menin your life or even with
yourself, in this episode youwill learn what's really going
(02:39):
on when you're hiding and lying,why this pattern developed and,
ultimately, how to change it.
I'm going to lead you in anexperiential exercise and in the
end, I'll give you someimagination for what it might
look like to transform this partof you, and that is going to be
(03:00):
beautiful.
And as we talk about the needto stop hiding and lying and to
tell the truth, I also feel it'simportant for you to have a
warning that if you are keepingintimate secrets from your wife
or your fiance, or even yourgirlfriend.
(03:22):
You want to make sure that youdon't simply dump all of your
secrets onto them without givingthem support.
And if you want to learn moreabout what that can look like,
listen to my episode on how totell her about the porn.
Full disclosure with Dan Drakeand Janice Cottle.
(03:45):
Let's start by talking aboutwhat we are really doing when we
hide and lie.
Underneath the surface of thisbehavior is an instinct toward
protection.
Hiding and lying is almostalways about protection.
You might picture it like ashield that you're carrying
(04:07):
around.
You might picture it like amask that you're wearing so that
you pretend to be someoneyou're not.
Or you might picture thisprotection as retreating inside
a force field and keepingeveryone else out.
While this shield may seem toprotect us, it's also a very
(04:27):
heavy shield to carry around andit's often hurting others in
the process.
This mask may seem reallyimpressive on the outside and at
the same time, it prevents thereal person underneath from
being known and loved.
(04:48):
As John Lynch says in the bookthe Cure, when I wear a mask,
only the mask receives love.
So when we wear a mask and whenwe hide and lie, we not only
don't allow ourselves to beknown and loved, we also deceive
others into thinking that theyknow the real me, when really
they don't.
(05:08):
They don't know the person,they just know the persona.
And when we hide and lie as away of trying to retreat inside
a force field where I can't gethurt, man, it's actually quite
exhausting to maintain thatforce field.
When you're trying to keep upall these lies and stay in
control, it's exhausting.
And if you're hiding and lyingabout porn to the person you
(05:32):
love, you're not just creating aforce field around yourself,
you're also creating a prisoncell that that other person
doesn't even know they're in.
So if all of that is true, whydo we feel the need to hide and
lie and try to protect ourselves?
Many of us don't really want tobe hiding and lying, but we feel
(05:57):
like there's no other optionbecause of fear.
Could be the fear of rejection,could be the fear of failure,
could be the fear of hurtingsomeone else by telling them the
truth.
My guess is that if you'relistening to this episode, you
already know that hiding andlying is harmful.
(06:18):
At some level you want to stop,but there's a part of you
that's afraid to be honest.
There's a part of you that'safraid to be honest.
There's a part of you that'safraid to put down your shield
or take off your mask or stepoutside of that force field.
It's scary you might berejected, you might lose a
(06:39):
relationship, you might lose ajob, you might lose a lot of
things.
And that fear is real.
That risk is real.
Why is it so hard for us to stophiding and lying?
The short answer is because welearned to do it, oftentimes
(07:01):
from a very young age.
Some of us learned to hide andlie from our parents, and this
is a little bit counterintuitive, because it's often the parents
who seemed perfect and morallypure who are actually the best
hiders and liars.
(07:21):
If you grew up believing thatyour parents had no flaws or
that they were very nearlyperfect, then you grew up in a
family where you wereincentivized to hide and lie to
(07:41):
maintain a polished image, justlike the image your parents
presented to you.
In a family where people arevulnerable and they admit their
mistakes and everybody knowsthat they're broken, there's
more incentive to be vulnerableand to tell the truth.
But in a system where thepeople who are showing you how
(08:04):
to be a human are keeping theirsins and flaws and failures a
secret, you learn to do the samething.
Some of us were punished fortelling the truth, some of us
were rejected for beingvulnerable, and so it makes a
(08:25):
lot of sense that we learned tohide and to lie.
Especially if you grew up inpurity culture or an environment
of toxic shame and sexualrepression, you probably felt
the need to hide your sexualthoughts and feelings, and
(08:48):
probably for some very goodreasons, and it has probably
worked to a degree to keep yousafe from getting hurt in
various circumstances.
Just like the pattern ofwatching pornography, the
pattern of hiding and lyinghelped us survive when we were
(09:09):
little, and it's also killing usand destroying our lives as
adults Killing us and destroyingour lives as adults.
So, in order to learn how tostop hiding and lying, we are
going to work with this throughthe exact same approach that we
use for getting lasting freedomfrom porn, and that can be
(09:36):
summarized with this onesentence Heal the boy, to free
the man.
Underneath this tendency to hideand lie, there is a little boy
who feels afraid.
He could be afraid of anynumber of things, and your
ability to outgrow this behaviordepends on your relationship
with that boy, on yourrelationship with that boy.
(10:01):
That boy is not bad.
Feeling the need to hide or lieis normal.
It's not bad.
There's no such thing as a badthought or feeling.
What we do with those thoughtsand feelings can be good or bad.
So what will you do with thepart of you that wants to hide
or lie?
Will you condemn this part ofyou?
Will you let it control you, orwill you try and exercise with
(10:28):
me of coming close to thislittle boy and getting to know
him a little bit so that you cancreate some space for healing
and growth?
If you're willing to trysomething new out on this
podcast, I would like to leadyou in an exercise that I often
do with my clients who want tostop hiding and lying.
(10:50):
It's rooted in internal familysystems, also known as IFS.
It's a little exercise calledthe six Fs, and if you want to
learn more about the six Fs, youcan go down to the show notes
and in the description you'llfind a link to a website where
you can get these six F stepsand potentially go through them
(11:12):
on your own your own.
I'm going to lead you through aversion of them, which is
basically a way of saying we aregoing to ask some questions to
befriend this part of you, tobuild trust with this part of
you, rather than fighting abattle against it, we're going
to work with it, and that's avery different approach.
I understand that you may belistening to this episode in a
(11:36):
place where you're not reallyable to engage with this
exercise or you may not feelsafe to do so.
In that case, I encourage youto just listen.
Even if you're not able to gothrough this exercise and answer
these questions, let them giveyou some imagination for a
different way of relating toyourself.
Ready, if you feel relativelysafe and stable and centered, I
(12:01):
want to invite you to find aplace to sit comfortably, open
your eyes or close your eyes,whatever is most comfortable for
you.
And let's start by taking a fewdeep breaths and, as you
(12:30):
breathe, notice the breathmoving in and out and bring a
little bit of kindness toyourself.
And when you're ready, I inviteyou to focus on the part of you
that feels the need to hide orthat feels the need to lie.
(12:51):
Where do you feel that part ofyou in your body?
And if you don't know, that'sokay.
What do you want to call thispart of you the hider, the liar,
the little boy.
(13:13):
Choose whatever name feelsright.
If this part of you could talk,what would it say?
What are the thoughts that gothrough your mind?
What does this part of you wantto do?
(13:38):
Simply notice, without judgment.
When did you first learn tohide or lie?
If you focus on that feeling ofneeding to hide and needing to
(14:04):
lie, when have you felt that waybefore?
When did this part of you beginto feel that need?
Where did this pattern beginfor you?
Notice.
Whatever comes into your mindCould be thoughts, images,
(14:32):
memories.
Take a moment to notice how youfeel toward this part of you.
How do you feel toward this boy?
Do you feel angry at him?
(14:55):
Do you feel afraid of him?
Do you feel ashamed about thispart of you?
If you feel anything other thancuriosity and compassion, I
(15:15):
invite you to see if thosefeelings would be willing to
separate from you just for a fewminutes, so that you can come
close to this part of you withlove.
If you're not able to do that,you may not want to move forward
(15:35):
with this exercise.
If you're not able to do that,you may not want to move forward
with this exercise.
If you are able to set asidethose feelings of anger or fear
or shame, then check in againwith yourself and see if you can
access some curiosity andcompassion for this little boy,
this part of you that learned tohide and lie boy, this part of
(16:02):
you that learned to hide and lie.
Does it make sense to you whythe shield is there, why the
mask is there, why the forcefield might be there?
This might sound weird, but youhave a chance to connect with
this little boy and see what hemight need to put down the
shield or to take off the maskor to step out of the force
(16:24):
field.
If you have a sense of thatlittle boy, enter his world and
take a moment to just be withhim.
If you can see the moment whenhe felt the need to hide and lie
, can you join Him there andjust be with Him.
(16:46):
Don't come too close but don'tstay too far away.
You have nothing to do rightnow.
You have nothing to say rightnow.
You have nothing to say rightnow.
There's no agenda.
Just be with him and see whathappens.
(17:06):
If you're picturing a shield ora mask or a force field, just be
with it and notice whatevercomes up.
Is he aware of you?
If so, how is he reacting toyou?
If he doesn't feel safe withyou, give him some space.
(17:31):
If he feels a desire to beclose to you, then let that
happen in whatever way feelsright.
You may want to look into hiseyes or give him a hug.
(17:51):
You may want to just hold him.
What does he want you to know?
And, perhaps most importantly,what is he afraid of?
Why does he feel the need tohide?
(18:15):
Why does he feel the need tolie?
Why does he feel the need tohide?
Why does he feel the need tolie?
Don't try to come up with theanswer.
Just notice whatever comes intoyour mind and allow yourself to
be with this boy, to be withthis part of you.
(18:35):
Really listen to his heart,hear what is underneath all of
this and what does he need?
What does he need from you?
Acceptance, safety, reassurance, affirmation, acceptance,
(19:06):
safety, reassurance, affirmation, support, whatever he needs.
See if you can give that to him.
And if this is not resonatingwith you, or if you feel like
you can't do this on your own,there's nothing wrong with you.
Or if you feel like you can'tdo this on your own.
There's nothing wrong with you.
It can be really helpful to dothis with a trained counselor or
(19:27):
therapist or coach.
If you do feel like you're ableto engage with this exercise, I
want to give you some optionsfor how to end it with some
redemptive imagination.
You now have a relationshipwith this part of you, this
(19:48):
little boy who historically hasfelt the need to hide and to lie
.
You've been getting to know himfor a few minutes and building
some trust with him just bybeing with him.
Building some trust with himjust by being with him.
(20:09):
His desire for safety andprotection is good.
See if you can affirm that forhim and bless his good desire to
protect you or to protectothers.
Check in with him to see how hefeels about hiding and lying.
It's what he knows.
(20:31):
It's familiar.
It seems safer than telling thetruth, being honest and
vulnerable.
Validate that and see if hemight be interested in trying a
new strategy for protection,maybe a way of keeping you safe
(20:56):
that doesn't require him tocarry a heavy shield or to wear
this stifling mask or tomaintain this force field.
He's probably been workingreally hard to try to keep you
safe.
See if he might be open to anew strategy that would be
(21:19):
easier and more effective.
Here are three different ideasyou might want to try.
You may want to give him a newjob.
Maybe, instead of only focusingon protecting you, he could
expand that job to alsoprotecting the people you love.
(21:43):
He can do that by telling thetruth.
If you picture him having ashield, maybe, instead of
holding that shield between youand the person you love, maybe
you could wrap that shieldaround the person you love so
that you're both being protectedin the shield of truth instead
(22:06):
of this shield of hiding andlying.
That can only cover you and itcan't cover you fully, but the
truth will set you free.
Telling the truth may seemharmful, but it's actually the
best protection in the world,but it's actually the best
protection in the world.
(22:28):
The truth will set you free.
The truth will keep you saferand it will keep the people you
love safer than hiding or lyingever could.
You may also want to give thispart of you a new name.
(22:50):
Maybe you could rename the liaras the truth teller.
Maybe you could rename thehider as the healer, or, if you
picture this part of you as ashady character or a secret
keeper.
Maybe you can rename him as asecurity guard whose job is to
(23:14):
keep you and others safe bytelling the truth.
So you may want to give him anew job, you may want to give
him a new name and, lastly, youmay want to give him a new job,
you may want to give him a newname and, lastly, you may want
to introduce him to someone elsewhose job it is to keep you
safe your true savior, jesusChrist.
(23:37):
He is your defender.
He is your protector.
He is your advocate defender.
He is your protector.
He is your advocate.
Will you trust him to protectyou and to keep you safe?
If you tell the truth, you makeyourself vulnerable and you take
(24:00):
the redemptive risk of beinghonest.
There is someone who still is100% committed to your safety.
He's your Savior.
That's His job to keep you safewith you.
(24:32):
See if this little boy might bewilling to let Jesus take over
this job of keeping you safe andprotecting you, is this part of
you willing to trust Jesus orto let him take over for a
little while?
If not, that's okay.
Just continue to allow thisexperience to unfold.
(24:55):
Let it happen.
However, it needs to happen foryou as we bring this experience
to a close, check in with thispart of you, or this little boy
(25:16):
who once learned how to hide andlie to survive.
How's he doing, how's hefeeling Once again?
What does he need from you andwhat will help him feel safe
enough to tell the truth, to behonest and vulnerable when he
(25:40):
needs to be?
Take note of that and wheneveryou're ready, you can bring this
experience to a close.
Thank you again for beingwilling to stay with me through
(26:03):
this exercise.
I hope it was helpful for youand if it wasn't, I would
recommend finding someone whocan guide you through this type
of experience.
If you really want to do it butyou felt like you couldn't do
it on your own.
Husband Material is a placewhere we have certified coaches
who can help you do this work,and our main program, husband
(26:24):
Material Academy, is opening upin one month, and that's a place
where you can witness this typeof work every week.
My friend, no matter how longyou have been hiding or lying,
especially about porn, you canremove the shield, you can take
(26:47):
off the mask, you can step outof the force field and allow
yourself to be loved when youfind that safety and protection
that's available to you In Jesus, in your adult self, in your
brothers, who are behind you andbeside you on this journey.
(27:10):
You can tell the truth and ifyou feel like you're ready to
take a redemptive risk, I have achallenge for you.
Sometime in the next few days,practice telling the truth about
something seemingly small thatyou might usually hide or lie
(27:33):
about, and see how it goes.
In everyday situations.
There are often little detailsthat we leave out.
Take a redemptive risk and be alittle more honest and
vulnerable than you usuallywould be.
Again, the fact that youlistened to this episode is so
(27:56):
brave and worth celebratingToday.
I hope you got some insightinto what is underneath this
tendency for hiding and lying,where it comes from and how to
work with this part of you in away that's full of love and
acceptance and empowerment andhealing.
(28:18):
Remember, heal the boy to freethe man, and always remember you
are God's beloved son.
In you he is well pleased.
Welcome to the Husband Material podcast, where
we help Christian men outgrowporn.
Why?
So you can change your brain,heal your heart and save your
relationship.
My name is Drew Boa and I'mhere to show you how let's go.
Today, we're talking abouthiding and lying, one of the
(00:24):
most important areas to focus onfor men outgrowing porn.
I have helped a lot of guysoutgrow porn and I have helped a
lot of guys learn how to stophiding and lying about it.
Becoming honest, transparentand vulnerable is absolutely
essential to outgrowing porn andbecoming a mature man who is
(00:48):
trustworthy in a relationship,and it is also extremely
difficult if you have spentyears and years learning how to
hide and lie.
And before we go any further, Iwant to pause and say wow, if
(01:09):
you have an issue with hidingand lying, especially about porn
, the fact that you're listeningto this episode is so brave.
Thank you for trusting me assomeone who can help you with
this, and I promise to be gentleand curious and compassionate
and kind as we explore whatmight be underneath this
(01:34):
tendency to hide and lie.
Maybe you have found yourselfhiding from your wife or your
girlfriend hiding from your wifeor your girlfriend.
Maybe you have found yourselfhiding from other men or
recovery groups.
You may have lied to youraccountability partner about
(01:55):
needing to unlock your phone, oryou may even have an issue with
self-deception.
Many of us are hiding fromourselves or we're lying to
ourselves about our issues.
For some of us, this pattern ofhiding and lying is so deeply
entrenched that we don't alwaysrealize when we're doing it.
(02:18):
We might not even be aware thatwe're hiding or lying or
leaving out important parts ofthe truth.
Be aware that we're hiding orlying or leaving out important
parts of the truth.
So, whether you want to be morehonest and vulnerable with the
woman you love, with other menin your life or even with
yourself, in this episode youwill learn what's really going
(02:39):
on when you're hiding and lying,why this pattern developed and,
ultimately, how to change it.
I'm going to lead you in anexperiential exercise and in the
end, I'll give you someimagination for what it might
look like to transform this partof you, and that is going to be
(03:00):
beautiful.
And as we talk about the needto stop hiding and lying and to
tell the truth, I also feel it'simportant for you to have a
warning that if you are keepingintimate secrets from your wife
or your fiance, or even yourgirlfriend.
(03:22):
You want to make sure that youdon't simply dump all of your
secrets onto them without givingthem support.
And if you want to learn moreabout what that can look like,
listen to my episode on how totell her about the porn.
Full disclosure with Dan Drakeand Janice Cottle.
(03:45):
Let's start by talking aboutwhat we are really doing when we
hide and lie.
Underneath the surface of thisbehavior is an instinct toward
protection.
Hiding and lying is almostalways about protection.
You might picture it like ashield that you're carrying
(04:07):
around.
You might picture it like amask that you're wearing so that
you pretend to be someoneyou're not.
Or you might picture thisprotection as retreating inside
a force field and keepingeveryone else out.
While this shield may seem toprotect us, it's also a very
(04:27):
heavy shield to carry around andit's often hurting others in
the process.
This mask may seem reallyimpressive on the outside and at
the same time, it prevents thereal person underneath from
being known and loved.
(04:48):
As John Lynch says in the bookthe Cure, when I wear a mask,
only the mask receives love.
So when we wear a mask and whenwe hide and lie, we not only
don't allow ourselves to beknown and loved, we also deceive
others into thinking that theyknow the real me, when really
they don't.
(05:08):
They don't know the person,they just know the persona.
And when we hide and lie as away of trying to retreat inside
a force field where I can't gethurt, man, it's actually quite
exhausting to maintain thatforce field.
When you're trying to keep upall these lies and stay in
control, it's exhausting.
And if you're hiding and lyingabout porn to the person you
(05:32):
love, you're not just creating aforce field around yourself,
you're also creating a prisoncell that that other person
doesn't even know they're in.
So if all of that is true, whydo we feel the need to hide and
lie and try to protect ourselves?
Many of us don't really want tobe hiding and lying, but we feel
(05:57):
like there's no other optionbecause of fear.
Could be the fear of rejection,could be the fear of failure,
could be the fear of hurtingsomeone else by telling them the
truth.
My guess is that if you'relistening to this episode, you
already know that hiding andlying is harmful.
(06:18):
At some level you want to stop,but there's a part of you
that's afraid to be honest.
There's a part of you that'safraid to be honest.
There's a part of you that'safraid to put down your shield
or take off your mask or stepoutside of that force field.
It's scary you might berejected, you might lose a
(06:39):
relationship, you might lose ajob, you might lose a lot of
things.
And that fear is real.
That risk is real.
Why is it so hard for us to stophiding and lying?
The short answer is because welearned to do it, oftentimes
(07:01):
from a very young age.
Some of us learned to hide andlie from our parents, and this
is a little bit counterintuitive, because it's often the parents
who seemed perfect and morallypure who are actually the best
hiders and liars.
(07:21):
If you grew up believing thatyour parents had no flaws or
that they were very nearlyperfect, then you grew up in a
family where you wereincentivized to hide and lie to
(07:41):
maintain a polished image, justlike the image your parents
presented to you.
In a family where people arevulnerable and they admit their
mistakes and everybody knowsthat they're broken, there's
more incentive to be vulnerableand to tell the truth.
But in a system where thepeople who are showing you how
(08:04):
to be a human are keeping theirsins and flaws and failures a
secret, you learn to do the samething.
Some of us were punished fortelling the truth, some of us
were rejected for beingvulnerable, and so it makes a
(08:25):
lot of sense that we learned tohide and to lie.
Especially if you grew up inpurity culture or an environment
of toxic shame and sexualrepression, you probably felt
the need to hide your sexualthoughts and feelings, and
(08:48):
probably for some very goodreasons, and it has probably
worked to a degree to keep yousafe from getting hurt in
various circumstances.
Just like the pattern ofwatching pornography, the
pattern of hiding and lyinghelped us survive when we were
(09:09):
little, and it's also killing usand destroying our lives as
adults Killing us and destroyingour lives as adults.
So, in order to learn how tostop hiding and lying, we are
going to work with this throughthe exact same approach that we
use for getting lasting freedomfrom porn, and that can be
(09:36):
summarized with this onesentence Heal the boy, to free
the man.
Underneath this tendency to hideand lie, there is a little boy
who feels afraid.
He could be afraid of anynumber of things, and your
ability to outgrow this behaviordepends on your relationship
with that boy, on yourrelationship with that boy.
(10:01):
That boy is not bad.
Feeling the need to hide or lieis normal.
It's not bad.
There's no such thing as a badthought or feeling.
What we do with those thoughtsand feelings can be good or bad.
So what will you do with thepart of you that wants to hide
or lie?
Will you condemn this part ofyou?
Will you let it control you, orwill you try and exercise with
(10:28):
me of coming close to thislittle boy and getting to know
him a little bit so that you cancreate some space for healing
and growth?
If you're willing to trysomething new out on this
podcast, I would like to leadyou in an exercise that I often
do with my clients who want tostop hiding and lying.
(10:50):
It's rooted in internal familysystems, also known as IFS.
It's a little exercise calledthe six Fs, and if you want to
learn more about the six Fs, youcan go down to the show notes
and in the description you'llfind a link to a website where
you can get these six F stepsand potentially go through them
(11:12):
on your own your own.
I'm going to lead you through aversion of them, which is
basically a way of saying we aregoing to ask some questions to
befriend this part of you, tobuild trust with this part of
you, rather than fighting abattle against it, we're going
to work with it, and that's avery different approach.
I understand that you may belistening to this episode in a
(11:36):
place where you're not reallyable to engage with this
exercise or you may not feelsafe to do so.
In that case, I encourage youto just listen.
Even if you're not able to gothrough this exercise and answer
these questions, let them giveyou some imagination for a
different way of relating toyourself.
Ready, if you feel relativelysafe and stable and centered, I
(12:01):
want to invite you to find aplace to sit comfortably, open
your eyes or close your eyes,whatever is most comfortable for
you.
And let's start by taking a fewdeep breaths and, as you
(12:30):
breathe, notice the breathmoving in and out and bring a
little bit of kindness toyourself.
And when you're ready, I inviteyou to focus on the part of you
that feels the need to hide orthat feels the need to lie.
(12:51):
Where do you feel that part ofyou in your body?
And if you don't know, that'sokay.
What do you want to call thispart of you the hider, the liar,
the little boy.
(13:13):
Choose whatever name feelsright.
If this part of you could talk,what would it say?
What are the thoughts that gothrough your mind?
What does this part of you wantto do?
(13:38):
Simply notice, without judgment.
When did you first learn tohide or lie?
If you focus on that feeling ofneeding to hide and needing to
(14:04):
lie, when have you felt that waybefore?
When did this part of you beginto feel that need?
Where did this pattern beginfor you?
Notice.
Whatever comes into your mindCould be thoughts, images,
(14:32):
memories.
Take a moment to notice how youfeel toward this part of you.
How do you feel toward this boy?
Do you feel angry at him?
(14:55):
Do you feel afraid of him?
Do you feel ashamed about thispart of you?
If you feel anything other thancuriosity and compassion, I
(15:15):
invite you to see if thosefeelings would be willing to
separate from you just for a fewminutes, so that you can come
close to this part of you withlove.
If you're not able to do that,you may not want to move forward
(15:35):
with this exercise.
If you're not able to do that,you may not want to move forward
with this exercise.
If you are able to set asidethose feelings of anger or fear
or shame, then check in againwith yourself and see if you can
access some curiosity andcompassion for this little boy,
this part of you that learned tohide and lie boy, this part of
(16:02):
you that learned to hide and lie.
Does it make sense to you whythe shield is there, why the
mask is there, why the forcefield might be there?
This might sound weird, but youhave a chance to connect with
this little boy and see what hemight need to put down the
shield or to take off the maskor to step out of the force
(16:24):
field.
If you have a sense of thatlittle boy, enter his world and
take a moment to just be withhim.
If you can see the moment whenhe felt the need to hide and lie
, can you join Him there andjust be with Him.
(16:46):
Don't come too close but don'tstay too far away.
You have nothing to do rightnow.
You have nothing to say rightnow.
You have nothing to say rightnow.
There's no agenda.
Just be with him and see whathappens.
(17:06):
If you're picturing a shield ora mask or a force field, just be
with it and notice whatevercomes up.
Is he aware of you?
If so, how is he reacting toyou?
If he doesn't feel safe withyou, give him some space.
(17:31):
If he feels a desire to beclose to you, then let that
happen in whatever way feelsright.
You may want to look into hiseyes or give him a hug.
(17:51):
You may want to just hold him.
What does he want you to know?
And, perhaps most importantly,what is he afraid of?
Why does he feel the need tohide?
(18:15):
Why does he feel the need tolie?
Why does he feel the need tohide?
Why does he feel the need tolie?
Don't try to come up with theanswer.
Just notice whatever comes intoyour mind and allow yourself to
be with this boy, to be withthis part of you.
(18:35):
Really listen to his heart,hear what is underneath all of
this and what does he need?
What does he need from you?
Acceptance, safety, reassurance, affirmation, acceptance,
(19:06):
safety, reassurance, affirmation, support, whatever he needs.
See if you can give that to him.
And if this is not resonatingwith you, or if you feel like
you can't do this on your own,there's nothing wrong with you.
Or if you feel like you can'tdo this on your own.
There's nothing wrong with you.
It can be really helpful to dothis with a trained counselor or
(19:27):
therapist or coach.
If you do feel like you're ableto engage with this exercise, I
want to give you some optionsfor how to end it with some
redemptive imagination.
You now have a relationshipwith this part of you, this
(19:48):
little boy who historically hasfelt the need to hide and to lie
.
You've been getting to know himfor a few minutes and building
some trust with him just bybeing with him.
Building some trust with himjust by being with him.
(20:09):
His desire for safety andprotection is good.
See if you can affirm that forhim and bless his good desire to
protect you or to protectothers.
Check in with him to see how hefeels about hiding and lying.
It's what he knows.
(20:31):
It's familiar.
It seems safer than telling thetruth, being honest and
vulnerable.
Validate that and see if hemight be interested in trying a
new strategy for protection,maybe a way of keeping you safe
(20:56):
that doesn't require him tocarry a heavy shield or to wear
this stifling mask or tomaintain this force field.
He's probably been workingreally hard to try to keep you
safe.
See if he might be open to anew strategy that would be
(21:19):
easier and more effective.
Here are three different ideasyou might want to try.
You may want to give him a newjob.
Maybe, instead of only focusingon protecting you, he could
expand that job to alsoprotecting the people you love.
(21:43):
He can do that by telling thetruth.
If you picture him having ashield, maybe, instead of
holding that shield between youand the person you love, maybe
you could wrap that shieldaround the person you love so
that you're both being protectedin the shield of truth instead
(22:06):
of this shield of hiding andlying.
That can only cover you and itcan't cover you fully, but the
truth will set you free.
Telling the truth may seemharmful, but it's actually the
best protection in the world,but it's actually the best
protection in the world.
(22:28):
The truth will set you free.
The truth will keep you saferand it will keep the people you
love safer than hiding or lyingever could.
You may also want to give thispart of you a new name.
(22:50):
Maybe you could rename the liaras the truth teller.
Maybe you could rename thehider as the healer, or, if you
picture this part of you as ashady character or a secret
keeper.
Maybe you can rename him as asecurity guard whose job is to
(23:14):
keep you and others safe bytelling the truth.
So you may want to give him anew job, you may want to give
him a new name and, lastly, youmay want to give him a new job,
you may want to give him a newname and, lastly, you may want
to introduce him to someone elsewhose job it is to keep you
safe your true savior, jesusChrist.
(23:37):
He is your defender.
He is your protector.
He is your advocate defender.
He is your protector.
He is your advocate.
Will you trust him to protectyou and to keep you safe?
If you tell the truth, you makeyourself vulnerable and you take
(24:00):
the redemptive risk of beinghonest.
There is someone who still is100% committed to your safety.
He's your Savior.
That's His job to keep you safewith you.
(24:32):
See if this little boy might bewilling to let Jesus take over
this job of keeping you safe andprotecting you, is this part of
you willing to trust Jesus orto let him take over for a
little while?
If not, that's okay.
Just continue to allow thisexperience to unfold.
(24:55):
Let it happen.
However, it needs to happen foryou as we bring this experience
to a close, check in with thispart of you, or this little boy
(25:16):
who once learned how to hide andlie to survive.
How's he doing, how's hefeeling Once again?
What does he need from you andwhat will help him feel safe
enough to tell the truth, to behonest and vulnerable when he
(25:40):
needs to be?
Take note of that and wheneveryou're ready, you can bring this
experience to a close.
Thank you again for beingwilling to stay with me through
(26:03):
this exercise.
I hope it was helpful for youand if it wasn't, I would
recommend finding someone whocan guide you through this type
of experience.
If you really want to do it butyou felt like you couldn't do
it on your own.
Husband Material is a placewhere we have certified coaches
who can help you do this work,and our main program, husband
(26:24):
Material Academy, is opening upin one month, and that's a place
where you can witness this typeof work every week.
My friend, no matter how longyou have been hiding or lying,
especially about porn, you canremove the shield, you can take
(26:47):
off the mask, you can step outof the force field and allow
yourself to be loved when youfind that safety and protection
that's available to you In Jesus, in your adult self, in your
brothers, who are behind you andbeside you on this journey.
(27:10):
You can tell the truth and ifyou feel like you're ready to
take a redemptive risk, I have achallenge for you.
Sometime in the next few days,practice telling the truth about
something seemingly small thatyou might usually hide or lie
(27:33):
about, and see how it goes.
In everyday situations.
There are often little detailsthat we leave out.
Take a redemptive risk and be alittle more honest and
vulnerable than you usuallywould be.
Again, the fact that youlistened to this episode is so
(27:56):
brave and worth celebratingToday.
I hope you got some insightinto what is underneath this
tendency for hiding and lying,where it comes from and how to
work with this part of you in away that's full of love and
acceptance and empowerment andhealing.
(28:18):
Remember, heal the boy to freethe man, and always remember you
are God's beloved son.
In you he is well pleased.
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