April 7, 2025 • 14 mins
What's your plan for outgrowing porn? The Five Circles tool will help you define what freedom looks like, why it matters, and how to set yourself up for success.
Download the Five Circles Of Freedom worksheet at husbandmaterial.com/freedom
Mentioned in this episode:
- Tools For Healing: The Three Circles (blog)
- Staci Sprout (creator of the Five Circles Model)
- How To Reframe A Porn Relapse (podcast episode)
- Unwanted, by Jay Stringer (book; paid link)
- The Five Circles Of Freedom (worksheet)
Take the Husband Material Journey...
- Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
- Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
- Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
- Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy
Thanks for listening!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to the Husband Material podcast, where
we help Christian men outgrowporn.
Why?
So you can change your brain,heal your heart and save your
relationship.
My name is Drew Boa and I'mhere to show you how let's go.
Today, we are talking about thefive circles of freedom from
(00:24):
porn.
Maybe you've heard of the threecircles of recovery.
Nick Stumbo taught about thethree circles at our Porn Free
man conference a few months ago.
I heard someone talk about fivecircles of recovery and I
absolutely loved it, so I wantto share this tool with you,
specifically for freedom fromporn.
(00:44):
I first heard about thisconcept in a presentation called
From Three Circles to Five byStacey Sprout, an expert in sex
and love addiction.
If you're interested in herwork, you can go down to the
link in the show notes, and thispresentation blew my mind.
I loved it so much that I wantto share some of those insights
with you now, specifically forfreedom from porn.
(01:05):
If you're working on outgrowingporn, this tool is really going
to help you, and even if youalready have a recovery plan, I
think these five circles aregoing to make your plan even
better and if you would likesome extra structure, I've
created a worksheet to help youcreate your five circles of
freedom from porn.
Go down to the link in the shownotes for this episode to get
(01:28):
the worksheet.
Here we go.
Let's talk about the fivecircles of freedom from porn,
and if you would like to followalong with this presentation, I
want to invite you to get out apiece of paper and draw five
concentric circles.
So the smallest circle is inthe middle and then they get
bigger and bigger and bigger.
So it should look like a targetwith the smallest circle right
(01:50):
in the center in the bullseye.
That bullseye is what we callthe inner circle.
The inner circle is relapse.
It is the set of behaviors thatyou want freedom from, so this
could include porn.
It could include masturbatingto fantasy, in-person sexual
(02:12):
acting out, hooking up.
It can also include things likekeeping secrets from your
partner, lying, deception.
These inner circle behaviorsharm you, they harm others, and
it's really helpful to getclarity about exactly what you
(02:32):
want freedom from.
This allows you to definesobriety.
My best advice about this innercircle of destructive behavior
is to reframe relapse.
Circle of destructive behavioris to reframe relapse.
Don't view it as failure.
View it as feedback.
Don't beat yourself up, don'tshame yourself.
Be honest about it and learnfrom it.
(02:54):
If you want to hear more aboutthat, check out my episode on
how to reframe relapse.
So get really clear on thatinner circle so you can define
what it means for you to besexually sober.
And then, as you move out tothe circle directly touching the
inner circle, the second layer.
This is what we call theslippery slope.
(03:18):
The rituals that precede arelapse precede a relapse.
You know you're getting intothe middle circle when you're
drifting in a direction thateventually leads you back to the
place you don't want to go.
Some common rituals thatprecede relapse could be
scrolling on social media lateat night.
(03:39):
One of the most common andunderstandable mistakes that we
make while pursuing freedom fromporn is underestimating our
middle circle.
A classic sign that you'veentered the middle circle is
when you're drifting.
Now there are lots ofactivities that are not bad,
(03:59):
like playing video games orbinge watching a TV show playing
video games or binge watching aTV show but when you consider,
is this what you really want tobe doing right now, or are you
simply drifting into thisbecause you're feeling
overwhelmed by stress, or you'reavoiding something, or you're
(04:20):
trying to numb An experiencethat you would rather not feel.
The middle circle is dangerous,which is why, for every
behavior in this part of thecircle, you need guardrails
Guardrails that protect you fromthese rituals that precede
relapse.
An example of a guardrail mightbe putting a boundary on when
(04:44):
and where I can use my devices.
Most men watch porn in theirbedroom or their bathroom, so
maybe those places should be offlimits for your phone.
These guardrails are there toprotect you from the slippery
slope that leads back to relapse, and while it is helpful to
(05:05):
have guardrails and boundaries,really the most effective way to
stay out of the slippery slopeis to stay in what we call the
outer circle.
Healthy habits.
These are the practices and theactivities that keep you
healthy, that keep you connected, that keep you feeling more
(05:26):
like yourself, and they caninclude very basic things like
getting enough sleep, gettingexercise, connecting with
friends and doing recovery work,like attending a support group
or working with your coach.
All of these fall into thecategory of healthy habits, and
we might even call it self-care.
Men outgrowing porn arenotoriously resistant to
(05:52):
self-care.
We will spend all of our timecaring for other people, making
sure that kids are okay, workingmultiple jobs, trying really
hard to rebuild our marriage.
How much time do we really takefor ourselves?
For some guys, porn is theclosest thing to self-care in
(06:12):
their life.
So, really, self-care is notselfish.
It's actually exactly what youneed to stay healthy, to stay
out of the danger zone and theslippery slope, in order to be
the man you want to be.
I remember when I was astay-at-home dad caring for my
daughter, I was so overwhelmed.
(06:33):
I needed more childcare support.
But I felt so guilty aboutgetting even more babysitting so
that I could care for myself,so that I could go back to my
healthy habits.
And a counselor told me Drew,the truth is, when you get more
babysitting help, that's notselfish.
That's actually allowing you tobe more of your best self.
(06:58):
When you are with your daughterand when you are with your wife
, healthy habits fill you up.
Are with your wife, healthyhabits fill you up.
They give you life, theyrecharge your batteries so that
when you go back to your familyor your friends or your job, you
have more of yourself to give.
And I call them habits, becausethese are not one-time
(07:20):
activities, these are regularrhythms of rest.
We all need that.
When we don't give ourselveswhat we need emotionally and
relationally, then we are farmore likely to settle for the
sexualized version of what wereally need.
Lives of my clients.
(07:50):
I see again and again that whenwe are not drained but filled
up by healthy habits, we are ata much lower risk of relapse.
So now here's what I want youto do.
I want you to fill in thosefirst three circles.
What behaviors belong in yourinner circle?
The things that you wantfreedom from?
Then fill up your middle circle.
(08:10):
What are those behaviors thatput you at risk of relapse?
Even if they're not necessarilybad, they take you down that
slippery slope.
No-transcript.
And finally, in that outercircle of healthy habits, write
(08:32):
down the activities that youneed to build as regular rhythms
to stay healthy and connectedand safe.
Now that's where the threecircles model ends.
Stacey Sprout has taken thismodel from three circles to five
, and the fourth circle isvision.
(08:53):
What do you deeply want?
I'm not just talking aboutsobriety.
I'm talking about the dreamsand desires in your heart.
This is a question I often askto men who are interested in
working with me why do you wantto be free from porn?
Who are interested in workingwith me?
(09:16):
Why do you want to be free fromporn.
What's in it for you, as JayStringer asks at the end of his
book Unwanted?
What do you want to be free for?
This is not just about freedomfrom porn.
It's freedom for somethingbigger and better and better,
whether it's faith orrelationships or work or just
enjoying life.
(09:36):
There is so much more to lifeThan staying away from unhealthy
, unwanted sexual behavior.
So I'm inviting you to dream,because if you stop at the outer
circle of healthy habits, youstill are living life day to day
(09:56):
without a bigger story, withoutsomething that can actually
motivate you to do those healthythings.
Life is not just about recoveryand staying healthy.
It's about the things thatrecovery and health allow you to
do.
So what is that for you?
What you write in this fourthcircle might include some
(10:20):
long-term goals like where doyou want to be in three years,
five years, ten years?
What do you want to have thatyou don't currently have?
What do you want to bedifferent than the way it is now
?
Having something bigger thatyou're working toward than just
the daily disciplines of healthyhabits is really important.
(10:42):
And there's something evenbigger than that, and this is
the fifth circle of freedomPurpose.
Purpose is not just about whatyou do.
Purpose is about who you areand the unique reflection of the
(11:02):
image of God that you bring tothis world.
Purpose is bigger than career.
Purpose is bigger than ministryor family or all of these
different roles that we play.
It's deeper than that.
I'm talking about your goodness,beauty and strength, the man
God made you to be.
(11:23):
One aspect of my purpose isactually in my name.
My full name is AndrewAlexander Boa.
Andrew means manly andAlexander means protector of men
.
So my name is literally manly,protector of men.
Isn't that incredible?
(11:44):
If you're watching the video,I'm going to show you this sign
that some friends made for meonce Andrew Alexander Boa, manly
, protector of Men.
And I had no idea that wouldlead who I am.
It's empowering, it gives mecourage, it gives me confidence,
(12:20):
it fires me up.
Man, that is who I truly am,that is who I want to be, and
anything that doesn't fully fitwith that needs to be reexamined
.
When I am living out my truepurpose in that fifth circle, I
(12:41):
am farthest away from the middlecircle and the inner circle.
This is one of the mostbeautiful gifts of this five
circles model.
It's bigger than just you doinghealthy habits.
It's you stepping into thevision and purpose of a better
story, because porn is a smallstory.
(13:04):
Live a bigger, better storywhere porn doesn't make sense,
and you'll experience so muchmore freedom, maybe more freedom
than you thought was possible.
And the times that we're mostat risk of going back to our old
ways are when we get out oftouch with our purpose or vision
(13:26):
just feels too far away, weneglect our healthy habits, we
settle for the slippery slopeand before we know it, we're
back in relapse.
If you want to be free fromporn, view relapse as feedback,
not failure, get really clearabout the slippery slope that
(13:46):
you want to avoid, set upguardrails and healthy habits
and then, even more importantlythan that, have a clear vision
of what you want for your lifeand discover who you truly are.
Having security in youridentity and purpose is the
(14:06):
foundation of lasting freedomfrom porn, of lasting freedom
from porn, and that's why I willalways remind you that you are
God's beloved son and you he iswell-pleased.
Welcome to the Husband Material podcast, where
we help Christian men outgrowporn.
Why?
So you can change your brain,heal your heart and save your
relationship.
My name is Drew Boa and I'mhere to show you how let's go.
Today, we are talking about thefive circles of freedom from
(00:24):
porn.
Maybe you've heard of the threecircles of recovery.
Nick Stumbo taught about thethree circles at our Porn Free
man conference a few months ago.
I heard someone talk about fivecircles of recovery and I
absolutely loved it, so I wantto share this tool with you,
specifically for freedom fromporn.
(00:44):
I first heard about thisconcept in a presentation called
From Three Circles to Five byStacey Sprout, an expert in sex
and love addiction.
If you're interested in herwork, you can go down to the
link in the show notes, and thispresentation blew my mind.
I loved it so much that I wantto share some of those insights
with you now, specifically forfreedom from porn.
(01:05):
If you're working on outgrowingporn, this tool is really going
to help you, and even if youalready have a recovery plan, I
think these five circles aregoing to make your plan even
better and if you would likesome extra structure, I've
created a worksheet to help youcreate your five circles of
freedom from porn.
Go down to the link in the shownotes for this episode to get
(01:28):
the worksheet.
Here we go.
Let's talk about the fivecircles of freedom from porn,
and if you would like to followalong with this presentation, I
want to invite you to get out apiece of paper and draw five
concentric circles.
So the smallest circle is inthe middle and then they get
bigger and bigger and bigger.
So it should look like a targetwith the smallest circle right
(01:50):
in the center in the bullseye.
That bullseye is what we callthe inner circle.
The inner circle is relapse.
It is the set of behaviors thatyou want freedom from, so this
could include porn.
It could include masturbatingto fantasy, in-person sexual
(02:12):
acting out, hooking up.
It can also include things likekeeping secrets from your
partner, lying, deception.
These inner circle behaviorsharm you, they harm others, and
it's really helpful to getclarity about exactly what you
(02:32):
want freedom from.
This allows you to definesobriety.
My best advice about this innercircle of destructive behavior
is to reframe relapse.
Circle of destructive behavioris to reframe relapse.
Don't view it as failure.
View it as feedback.
Don't beat yourself up, don'tshame yourself.
Be honest about it and learnfrom it.
(02:54):
If you want to hear more aboutthat, check out my episode on
how to reframe relapse.
So get really clear on thatinner circle so you can define
what it means for you to besexually sober.
And then, as you move out tothe circle directly touching the
inner circle, the second layer.
This is what we call theslippery slope.
(03:18):
The rituals that precede arelapse precede a relapse.
You know you're getting intothe middle circle when you're
drifting in a direction thateventually leads you back to the
place you don't want to go.
Some common rituals thatprecede relapse could be
scrolling on social media lateat night.
(03:39):
One of the most common andunderstandable mistakes that we
make while pursuing freedom fromporn is underestimating our
middle circle.
A classic sign that you'veentered the middle circle is
when you're drifting.
Now there are lots ofactivities that are not bad,
(03:59):
like playing video games orbinge watching a TV show playing
video games or binge watching aTV show but when you consider,
is this what you really want tobe doing right now, or are you
simply drifting into thisbecause you're feeling
overwhelmed by stress, or you'reavoiding something, or you're
(04:20):
trying to numb An experiencethat you would rather not feel.
The middle circle is dangerous,which is why, for every
behavior in this part of thecircle, you need guardrails
Guardrails that protect you fromthese rituals that precede
relapse.
An example of a guardrail mightbe putting a boundary on when
(04:44):
and where I can use my devices.
Most men watch porn in theirbedroom or their bathroom, so
maybe those places should be offlimits for your phone.
These guardrails are there toprotect you from the slippery
slope that leads back to relapse, and while it is helpful to
(05:05):
have guardrails and boundaries,really the most effective way to
stay out of the slippery slopeis to stay in what we call the
outer circle.
Healthy habits.
These are the practices and theactivities that keep you
healthy, that keep you connected, that keep you feeling more
(05:26):
like yourself, and they caninclude very basic things like
getting enough sleep, gettingexercise, connecting with
friends and doing recovery work,like attending a support group
or working with your coach.
All of these fall into thecategory of healthy habits, and
we might even call it self-care.
Men outgrowing porn arenotoriously resistant to
(05:52):
self-care.
We will spend all of our timecaring for other people, making
sure that kids are okay, workingmultiple jobs, trying really
hard to rebuild our marriage.
How much time do we really takefor ourselves?
For some guys, porn is theclosest thing to self-care in
(06:12):
their life.
So, really, self-care is notselfish.
It's actually exactly what youneed to stay healthy, to stay
out of the danger zone and theslippery slope, in order to be
the man you want to be.
I remember when I was astay-at-home dad caring for my
daughter, I was so overwhelmed.
(06:33):
I needed more childcare support.
But I felt so guilty aboutgetting even more babysitting so
that I could care for myself,so that I could go back to my
healthy habits.
And a counselor told me Drew,the truth is, when you get more
babysitting help, that's notselfish.
That's actually allowing you tobe more of your best self.
(06:58):
When you are with your daughterand when you are with your wife
, healthy habits fill you up.
Are with your wife, healthyhabits fill you up.
They give you life, theyrecharge your batteries so that
when you go back to your familyor your friends or your job, you
have more of yourself to give.
And I call them habits, becausethese are not one-time
(07:20):
activities, these are regularrhythms of rest.
We all need that.
When we don't give ourselveswhat we need emotionally and
relationally, then we are farmore likely to settle for the
sexualized version of what wereally need.
Lives of my clients.
(07:50):
I see again and again that whenwe are not drained but filled
up by healthy habits, we are ata much lower risk of relapse.
So now here's what I want youto do.
I want you to fill in thosefirst three circles.
What behaviors belong in yourinner circle?
The things that you wantfreedom from?
Then fill up your middle circle.
(08:10):
What are those behaviors thatput you at risk of relapse?
Even if they're not necessarilybad, they take you down that
slippery slope.
No-transcript.
And finally, in that outercircle of healthy habits, write
(08:32):
down the activities that youneed to build as regular rhythms
to stay healthy and connectedand safe.
Now that's where the threecircles model ends.
Stacey Sprout has taken thismodel from three circles to five
, and the fourth circle isvision.
(08:53):
What do you deeply want?
I'm not just talking aboutsobriety.
I'm talking about the dreamsand desires in your heart.
This is a question I often askto men who are interested in
working with me why do you wantto be free from porn?
Who are interested in workingwith me?
(09:16):
Why do you want to be free fromporn.
What's in it for you, as JayStringer asks at the end of his
book Unwanted?
What do you want to be free for?
This is not just about freedomfrom porn.
It's freedom for somethingbigger and better and better,
whether it's faith orrelationships or work or just
enjoying life.
(09:36):
There is so much more to lifeThan staying away from unhealthy
, unwanted sexual behavior.
So I'm inviting you to dream,because if you stop at the outer
circle of healthy habits, youstill are living life day to day
(09:56):
without a bigger story, withoutsomething that can actually
motivate you to do those healthythings.
Life is not just about recoveryand staying healthy.
It's about the things thatrecovery and health allow you to
do.
So what is that for you?
What you write in this fourthcircle might include some
(10:20):
long-term goals like where doyou want to be in three years,
five years, ten years?
What do you want to have thatyou don't currently have?
What do you want to bedifferent than the way it is now
?
Having something bigger thatyou're working toward than just
the daily disciplines of healthyhabits is really important.
(10:42):
And there's something evenbigger than that, and this is
the fifth circle of freedomPurpose.
Purpose is not just about whatyou do.
Purpose is about who you areand the unique reflection of the
(11:02):
image of God that you bring tothis world.
Purpose is bigger than career.
Purpose is bigger than ministryor family or all of these
different roles that we play.
It's deeper than that.
I'm talking about your goodness,beauty and strength, the man
God made you to be.
(11:23):
One aspect of my purpose isactually in my name.
My full name is AndrewAlexander Boa.
Andrew means manly andAlexander means protector of men
.
So my name is literally manly,protector of men.
Isn't that incredible?
(11:44):
If you're watching the video,I'm going to show you this sign
that some friends made for meonce Andrew Alexander Boa, manly
, protector of Men.
And I had no idea that wouldlead who I am.
It's empowering, it gives mecourage, it gives me confidence,
(12:20):
it fires me up.
Man, that is who I truly am,that is who I want to be, and
anything that doesn't fully fitwith that needs to be reexamined
.
When I am living out my truepurpose in that fifth circle, I
(12:41):
am farthest away from the middlecircle and the inner circle.
This is one of the mostbeautiful gifts of this five
circles model.
It's bigger than just you doinghealthy habits.
It's you stepping into thevision and purpose of a better
story, because porn is a smallstory.
(13:04):
Live a bigger, better storywhere porn doesn't make sense,
and you'll experience so muchmore freedom, maybe more freedom
than you thought was possible.
And the times that we're mostat risk of going back to our old
ways are when we get out oftouch with our purpose or vision
(13:26):
just feels too far away, weneglect our healthy habits, we
settle for the slippery slopeand before we know it, we're
back in relapse.
If you want to be free fromporn, view relapse as feedback,
not failure, get really clearabout the slippery slope that
(13:46):
you want to avoid, set upguardrails and healthy habits
and then, even more importantlythan that, have a clear vision
of what you want for your lifeand discover who you truly are.
Having security in youridentity and purpose is the
(14:06):
foundation of lasting freedomfrom porn, of lasting freedom
from porn, and that's why I willalways remind you that you are
God's beloved son and you he iswell-pleased.
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