Episode Transcript
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Erin (00:01):
Erin here.
Thank you for joining me foranother episode of the I Have
Fallen and Need Some Helppodcast.
Today we are going over thetopic of caregiver burnout.
Burnout in general is...
A topic that is very big, a bigtopic to talk about within the
(00:24):
senior living industry, withinhealthcare, within parenting,
within caregiving.
Um, I believe based on my ownexperience and my most recent
experience that burnout is aninternal game.
It literally is our minds andhow we think about things.
(00:48):
Now, don't get me wrong, there'sphysical burnout.
Right?
And I have been there.
Where I just cannot do thisanymore.
I need a break.
A substantial break.
That's real.
That's physical.
We have to physically rest inthose times of physical burnout.
(01:10):
Because we physically can't keepgoing.
So, in regards to physicalburnout, yes, resting, sleeping,
doing nothing, all those thingsare important.
But when we talk about the realburnout definition, when it
comes to the emotional, thepsychological, the I'm not
(01:32):
working out in 115 degree heat,building ditches, laying pipes,
kind of physical burnout.
I am struggling with thepressures of life, the demands
of life, the demands of being aparent, and working, and sports,
and being a caregiver of anelderly loved one who needs all
my attention, who may havedementia.
(01:54):
These are the types of emotionalburnout topics that I want to
talk about.
Because this is what stops usfrom being, I think, the best
versions of ourselves.
This topic alone has preventedme from reaching a level of self
(02:14):
assurance or professionalism orstatus in my life that I want of
peace.
It's prevented peace in my life,which is what I think most of us
want.
That's what I want to talk abouttoday.
And I, I do consider myself anexpert in living in overwhelm.
(02:38):
I do not believe I am an expertof winning in overwhelm.
I consider myself a beginner.
Um, and maybe in recovery rightnow, but not necessarily.
Uh, a master of managing it, butI have come a long way and there
are many reasons why I sufferedburnout.
(03:01):
Um, I am a caregiver.
I've been a caregiver, um,pretty much my entire adult
life.
Well, most of you, if you'vebeen listening to this podcast
long enough, or you know mepersonally, you know that I
started caring for mygrandmother, really, when I was,
(03:22):
20, 19 years old, we actuallymoved in together when I was 22
years old.
So I finished out my collegeyears as her roommate, but she
was my person, you know, in myjourney of self discovery here
(03:43):
this past year, I realizedcaregiving.
Other people was one of the waysthat I avoided fixing some of
the problems emotionally andmindset problems that I had for
myself because I was busy addingvalue to other people and making
(04:05):
sure that they were okay.
People pleasing tendencies,right?
So when I look back on my lifeand my caregiving journey, this
is what it looks like.
I'm currently 42 years old.
I cared for my grandmother.
For 15 years from the time I was19 really until the time that
she passed away, and I was 35 or36 at the time when she passed
(04:30):
away.
She passed away in 2016 so Shewas a constant Responsibility
that I loved right but still aresponsibility for Oh, for 15
years, basically.
(04:51):
So, every Tuesday, Thursday, andSaturday, she required a bath.
Every Saturday was hair day andgrocery store shopping day.
Now, I shared responsibilitieswith my mother.
You know, she was not my soleresponsibility.
But, I was her person and shewas mine.
And, the bulk of theresponsibility did land on me.
(05:13):
But, My mother was very helpful.
I look back and I probably putthe bulk of that responsibility
on me on purpose, right?
Not asking for help, but thebulk of the responsibility was
mine.
But towards the end, it kind ofplayed, leveled off a little
bit.
(05:34):
And so during that time, duringthat 15 year span, of course, I
had children.
And my first child was born.
Early, 28 weeks, and then hissecond month of life, he needed
a trach to survive.
And so I then became a caregiverof a special needs child that I
(05:59):
was completely overwhelmed with.
I did not know how to take careof a child, let alone a child
that had a trach to breathe andall of the suctioning and
everything else that comes withbreathing from your neck.
(06:20):
And I still had theresponsibility of my
grandmother.
Now, granted, in the beginningit was less, but as time went on
and life kind of evened out alittle bit, I...
resumed my role with her becauseshe wanted to be a part of the
child's life too, right?
And through all of those 15years, because in 2015 I had my
(06:43):
second child, but by that timeshe was in assisted living, I
also worked inside the seniorliving industry where I was a
leader, a manager, and a coachto lots of families in the, who
were caregiving their elderlyloved ones too.
(07:04):
So I know what it's like to giveeverything to someone or
everybody.
I did it for basically 20 years.
And I basically ceased to existlast year.
I would say July 2022 was thetime that I literally could not
(07:30):
do it anymore.
Um, and this past year I havereally been diving into what led
me to that place.
And of course there were timesthat I had worked like 14 days
in a row or that, you know, mygrandmother was in the hospital
and I had to be there or, youknow, all those things.
(07:50):
Like the physical burnout is notthe most important piece that
I'm going to talk about heretoday.
It is literally the emotionalcomponent of burnout and
overwhelm.
Because the truth is, it was myway of thinking and my
(08:11):
subconscious desire to pleasepeople because I gained value
from that, that made me sotired.
I lost the sense of who I was.
Because who I was was acaregiver and that's just what I
did.
I could not even tell you what Idid to have fun.
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I didn't really have fun.
I didn't know how to have fun.
That was my fault.
Because I carried a load that Ihad to make everybody happy.
That I carried a load that I wasthe one who...
I knew how to handle all theaspects to make everything run
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smoothly, to make them feelsuccessful, to make people feel
seen, valued, heard.
I needed to be there to ensuresuccess.
Now, around COVID, I kind oflost some of that and was...
I kind of woke up to whatreality was and how I'm really
not that important.
My job, if I'm doing itcorrectly, is other people can
(09:18):
be successful.
I'm just the leader.
I don't have to be the leaderand the doer, right?
I mean, it took me a while toget there, but I got there.
But the loss of identity can bea real crisis to people who find
themselves in a sudden onset ofcaregiving.
I never really created myidentity because my grandmother
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and my care and love for herkind of were ingrained in my
identity.
And then when I started workinginto senior living, that became
my identity.
I was an executive directorinside of the senior living
community.
That was my identity.
So if you are not, have not beenprepared to become a caregiver,
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all of a sudden when you are...
put into that situation, theloss of identity can certainly
affect you in a negative way.
And the mindset that we havearound that loss can bring a lot
of resentments.
And if there's one thing thatI've learned through my journey
is that when we carryresentments, that is where
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burnout comes.
The heavy load of fighting asilent battle that is full of
Negative energy towards somebodyand they don't even know it,
that is unhealthy.
So awareness to me is numberone, be aware that you feel
lost, that you feeluncomfortable, and that may, you
(10:49):
may be fighting this changeinternally when you really just
need to learn to accept it.
One of the hardest things inlife is to, excuse my French,
suck at something.
And when you are not used tobeing a caregiver, you're going
to really suck at it at thebeginning.
You're, you're going to be okay,like the first couple of days,
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and then you're going to gettired of it because you're
expecting somebody to besomething that they can't be
anymore.
Especially if we're talkingabout dementia, but even from
the physical component, whentheir care is more physical.
It's going to be difficultbecause you're going to want
them to get better so bad thatyou're gonna get angry that they
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can't if you're not careful.
So I think you have to createthis new thought process around
identity and care caregiving,because caregiving is not
forever, unless you have aspecial needs child.
My role as a caregiver to my sonwho is a special needs child.
will be forever.
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I have just come to theconclusion that that is what it
will be.
And if it's not, I will be sohappy.
But I don't want to fight thisnotion anymore that this is only
for x amount of years becausethen that sets expectations up
that are not realistic.
(12:16):
So, If it's just your lovedones, your elderly loved ones,
your caregiving journey is notforever.
And if you choose to keep themat home, it may be for a while,
it may be for a long time, butit's not forever.
And if you choose to move theminto a senior living community,
your caregiving role changes,but it doesn't go away.
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So your identity needs tobecome, you're less of what
you're used to.
Because there's a short termpause in that because now this
person needs my help.
And you are the one thatdetermines how long that is.
So when we fight and resist theneeds at hand, that can be the
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struggle that can spark thenegative energy that we just get
tired of dealing with.
Because it's usually not theperson that we get tired of
dealing with.
It's usually the story that wetell ourselves about the
situation and the fights that wehave internally.
So yes, the loss of identity ishard.
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It's not forever, for most ofus.
It's not forever.
And how you frame that and whatsolutions you look for to keep
your old identity back in yourlife, right?
So my parents, my mom used tolike to dance and when my
grandmother needed more help, wejust really sat down and talked
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about what she had going on andwhen I needed to step up and
then when she needed to step up.
And so the identities...
could remain the same within thecontext of a caregiving role.
Sometimes we have to quit ourjob.
You know, when my son was homefrom the hospital, I didn't work
for two years.
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I lost the only identity that Ihad that mattered to me at that
point, which was being anexecutive director of an
assisted living community.
And I lost it to become a motherof a special needs child.
And let me tell you, thatidentity was a difficult one to
wear.
I fought that one for a minute,but it's who I am, you know, it
is who I am and who you are as acaregiver is a new identity that
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you can put on.
And when that role is over,you'll be proud of it as long as
you don't resent it.
And if you feel like you'reresenting it, there are things
that you can do to change themindset.
Ask for help.
Plan ahead.
There are many people out therethat can help you, um, that
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could be family for free, thatyou could pay for sitters, you
could find senior living, ifthey're on hospice, you can
find, respite relief.
There's lots of organizationsout there that can help
caregiver burnout.
But just don't fight it from anemotional identity place.
Thank you.
Because this too shall pass.
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And you can actually reframe itfor, I have X amount of time
with this person, so I'm goingto enjoy it while I can.
It's going to be difficult.
I'm going to have to say no to alot of different parts of my
life, but it is not forever.
That will help you release theresentments, the loss of
identity, and help you regain apositive form of identity.
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Another element to burnout andovercoming it and being
proactive about it, to me, isthe emotional and physical
demands of the job.
it's one thing if you just bringdinner to your loved one or come
and get...
Get them in or out of the showera couple times a week, or you're
just checking in and saying,Hey, and it's another process
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altogether, another experiencealtogether when you have to be
responsible for their care.
Caregiving.
At that stage of caregiving ismirrors parenting.
And so whereas you may beanywhere between 20 and
somewhere in your 40s with kidsless than 10 years old in age,
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you could be anywhere between inyour 50s all the way up to your
70s, to where you have anelderly parent, aunt, cousin,
whatever, who needs your help.
In the same way, but different,of course, than a child would.
When we age backwards, Which, ifwe're lucky enough, that's what
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we get to do.
You can find yourself in somevery interesting predicaments.
And the physical demands canbecome too much for somebody.
And the emotional demands can betoo much for somebody.
I mean, we can talk about thistopic so deep.
But, when someone has to liftsomebody to transfer to the
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bathroom, to...
The bathtub, to the shower, tothe toilet, to get dressed.
You physically have to be ableto meet that need.
When your loved one has dementiaand the body of that loved one
is fine, but the mind isrequiring a lot of emotional
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patience from you, that's a lotto deal with.
Ask me how I know.
Having a child with autism.
And having a parent withdementia is the same experience,
just in mirror images of eachother.
I have to hear the same thingsover and over again, the same
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way.
Get frustrated the same way.
You get frustrated why theydon't know how to do what they
should know how to do or whatthey've known how to do their
entire life.
And it requires a level ofcompassion.
And patience, that to me issuper human and I don't always
have it.
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And you won't always have iteither.
And this is where my favoritephrase comes in and I have to
remind myself, this is how yougive yourself grace as a
caregiver and as a parent.
All that I can do is my best.
And if my best isn't goodenough, then my next step is to
find.
Someone else's best, that's goodenough.
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And if I am about to lose it,I'm going to allow somebody else
to step in and handle the care.
And that is where a goodpartner, like a sibling, or a
cousin, or a spouse of anelderly person that you're
caring for, y'all can take turnsand tag team.
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For me, clearly, it's my spouse.
And my mother, honestly, thoseare the people that I have that
I can depend on, and a fewpeople that if they came over,
that could allow me the timejust to walk out of the house
and be okay.
Because my son requires a lot ofpatience that a lot of people
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don't have.
So.
Being aware of the emotional andphysical demands and then being
aware of how you're thinkingabout them and how you're
beating yourself up aboutanswering the wrong way or being
frustrated at them.
All those are important becauseif we constantly beat ourselves
up about things that are outsideof our control, we exhaust
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ourselves emotionally and thenwe are no good to that other
person.
Listen to me.
It hurts.
It breaks my heart that my sonis different than the majority
of the people his age.
If I dwell on that, And I getangry every time he proves that
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point to me, I am no good to himand I am no good to myself and I
am no good to my daughter and Iam no good to my spouse because
I am in a vicious thought loopthat prevents me from seeing the
joy that he brings to my lifeand everything that he has
taught me about what's importantin life.
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Because really a caregivingexperience simplifies life.
In a way that is appreciatingordinary moments.
That if we don't allow that tobe in our life, we forget how
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happy and how joyful life canbe.
The emotional and the physicaldemands are high enough to where
I would say you as a caregiver,me as a parent, you as a parent
focus on your health first.
I cannot tell you how many timesI have seen elderly spouses,
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elderly children of an elderlycaregiver who are so worn out.
That they are worse off than theperson that they're caring for.
Now, I just want to say, whathappens to the person that needs
the care when the caregivercan't do it, or has a heart
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attack, or falls?
Real bad things can happen.
I've seen it.
So, take the time to care foryourself.
That's both a physical and anemotional self care.
Which, everybody says a lot, butit's really important.
Take walks, workout videos onYouTube for free.
Go to the YMCA.
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Find an adult daycare that givesyou some breaks locally in your
town.
Do what's required to maintainyour health, both emotionally
and physically.
If you don't, you will run intoa wall.
And give yourself grace.
You are not going to be perfectall the time, but when the bad
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things happen that you'reashamed of more than the
patience and the good things,you need to understand that
that's a sign that you need tore evaluate what you're thinking
in your mind, how much timeyou're devoting, and how much
time you may need away.
Be aware of the patterns.
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We've talked about the emotionaldemands, right?
You have, or what they requirefrom you.
But let's talk about theemotional impact this has on
you.
The demands are different fromthe impact because the demands
are somebody is like literallydemanding you to have patience,
to have long suffering, to bekind.
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That's a demand when you're in aparenting and a caregiving role.
But what about the impact onyou?
It is heartbreaking to watchsomebody you love diminish in
capacity, whether it's physicalor mental.
It's heartbreaking when they canno longer do things for
themselves in a way that bringselements of shame and
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disappointment.
That is sad.
And there are times where wehave to hide those feelings to
keep dignity intact.
And then there are times wherewe need to walk away and cry and
scream it out.
And you've got to let theemotions out.
Because if you keep those in...
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One day you're going to let itall out and it's going to be
brutally honest and harsh toeverybody around.
And I think that that's a lotwhere the resentments come in,
where you resent yourself fornot feeling it, where you resent
other people because they're notaround.
You know, the emotional impactsare hard.
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And one of the things that Ihave learned, if anything
through this journey is allowingourselves to feel the feelings
that we feel.
And be vulnerable in thosemoments is one of the most
courageous things that we cando.
There's no room for shame incaregiving.
When you have so much shamesurrounding your relationship
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with the person you're caringfor or your children, you lose
the ability to connect.
And connection is whatcaregiving is all about.
So these thoughts of I am notenough, I should have done this,
and I should have done that.
Those are shame statements, andthey need to go away.
You lose the ability to connectwith people.
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Instead of, I am not enough, Iam doing my best, and I am
continually improving every day.
Instead, I should have, well,now I know that feeding him eggs
is not the right thing to dobecause of this.
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Instead of, I should have knownnot to feed him eggs.
Stay away from the word should.
That is shame inducing andlosing connection, lack of
vulnerability attitude that wecannot have in caregiving.
You are not going to be incontrol in every circumstance
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inside of our caregivingrelationships.
You will have to lose the desireto control everything.
There are times where what youcan control needs to be
controlled.
And there are times that you cannever plan for what just
happened.
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The idea of control andperfectionism is again a sign
that you are avoidingvulnerability.
And burnout and overwhelm andanxiety is just us trying to
fight vulnerability.
The caregiving and the parentingrole is...
One of the most vulnerable rolesthat you could ever be in.
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You cannot control every aspectof the situation.
You cannot be rigid in it.
You cannot be certain aboutanything.
You just have to be able toidentify what you can control
and to let go of what you can't.
You can communicate very wellwith people.
You can take down notes, you canwrite down, identify patterns
(26:27):
and communicate all of thosenotes to the people that matter,
that can help you withcaregiving plans, with
medications, doctors, nurses,all of those, those are things
you can control, but you cannotcontrol moods.
You cannot control advancementand diseases.
And you cannot control how youfeel about any of that.
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You can just control how youthink about it.
And that is something that mostpeople ignore.
That's where the power is.
That's where the success is incaregiving and fighting the
overwhelming burnout battle.
One of the things in leadershipthat I've realized, and even in
parenting, because obviouslyparenting and caregiving has the
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same elements of leadership, andthat's that we have to make
ourselves more valuable so wecan give value to other people.
I think pretty much everypersonal development and
leadership development coachsays that, but John Maxwell is
who I first realized the conceptfrom.
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And it's true.
You know, it's a, it's a goodprofessional take on the whole
oxygen mask and the airplane,which really is used so much
that we forget how powerful thatstatement is.
And I made reference to itearlier, but if you expect to
care and be the best parent orthe best caregiver that you can
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be, you have to make yourselfmore valuable.
You cannot continually give toother people.
And not give yourself more.
So how do you make yourself morevaluable?
Well, one thing is you have toidentify for you what success
is.
And I think this is somethingthat most caregivers and
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parents, and really people, allpeople do wrong.
What does success look like toyou?
Not to me.
Not to the person down thestreet.
What is success for you?
For your loved one?
For my son, throwing a bigbirthday party, where people
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are, a lot of people are around,is not successful.
It doesn't go well.
I've tried that.
Success for him at a birthdayparty.
is going to a place that hewants to.
Lots of rides, um, quiet, thathe gets his favorite things,
that he gets what he wants, whenhe wants it.
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Lots of love and attention froma small group of people that
love him.
That's success to him.
That's not success to me for abirthday.
I feel successful when I givethat to him, but I can't do that
same birthday idea with mydaughter because she has a
different definition of success.
So, how you make yourself morevaluable is to know what you
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want, what you need.
A break?
A day off?
Two days off?
How do you plan that?
To go to an event, and so youmake sure that you make plans to
where you have a babysitter, ifyou're a parent, or you have
somebody who comes in and sitsfor your loved one, if you're a
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caregiver.
To where you read books, youlisten to podcasts, you listen
to YouTube videos on ways tomake behaviors settle down, uh,
identify the patterns that yousee, write down notes, um, have
open conversations with people,talk to people to see if they
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are giving you the same ideathat you're on the right track,
or there are different thingsthat you can look for.
Look at and listen out for that,that may help the situation.
All of that makes you morevaluable.
So you then can give more valueto others.
Sometimes we feel like we don'thave support.
Now, there, you could be one ofsix kids and still feel like you
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don't have support and you couldbe an only child and feel like
you have no support.
So just so you know, everybodyfeels like they have no support
at some point.
And that may be true.
That may be a very truestatement.
But what I'm going to ask you iswhen you say that about
yourself, how does it make youfeel?
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And can you reframe that thoughtto Something different.
I have no support can be a verylimiting belief and so therefore
you're already defeated when yousay that.
But you can also reframe it to,I was not blessed with siblings
to help me through this journeybut what I can do is learn as
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much as I can and try to figureout how I can bring some added
support here.
I don't have the support yetthat I need but I'm currently
working on it.
That's giving you the creditthat you deserve.
It's giving you the grace thatyou deserve.
When we repeat a negativestatement to us over and over
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again, we believe it.
Because again, there's adifference between the story of
the circumstance that we're in,and how we narrate that story to
ourselves.
We are all resilient people.
We have resilience built intous.
One of the things that we haveto determine is, is it time to
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be gritty and put our head downand just do it?
Or is it time for us tointellectually persevere and
really assess the situation andsay, do we need to look at
another avenue to find successhere?
To pivot, to say, I have reachedthe point that I have done all
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that I can do, and now we needto look at senior living, or in
home sitters, or what otheradult daycare, what other
options that are out there.
That's not failure.
That's being honest.
Failure, to me, is isolation,it's ignoring warning signs, and
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Trying to stick something outthat isn't healthy for anyone.
Grit alone is not resilience.
Grit comes when nothing is goingto change.
Where I'm just going to get thisdone real quick, or I'm going
to, if we're in a basketballgame, right, I'm just going to
(33:10):
put my head down and I'm goingto keep on going because there's
really nothing else that we cando beside play basketball.
Right?
But when you actuallyintellectually think about the
circumstance that you're in andrealize that putting my head
down and working towards thisoutcome is not healthy anymore
and we need to make somedecisions about how to get
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healthy again, that isresilience in a very
intellectual and positive way.
So that's how you determinewhether or not.
So that's a great way ofexplaining how to identify when
to keep going and when to giveup, when to keep going, and when
it's time to make and considerother choices.
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How healthy is the situationphysically, how healthy is the
situation mentally, emotionally,and what financial.
considerations do we need totake into account to make this a
healthy situation.
I have seen so many peopleendure such hardships when they
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didn't have to.
Because yes, people want to tellyou, I don't want to move into a
nursing home or I don't want tomove into assisted living, but I
want you to know that there havebeen more times than not, I, the
sentence, I wish I would havedone this sooner.
Because you don't know whatyou're gaining until you
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actually know what you'regaining.
It's sad at the beginning, yes,but oh, if you find the right
community, it can be lifechanging.
Yours and theirs.
So, the moral of my story inthis podcast is Overwhelm and
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burnout can be prevented can bestopped and is worth your time
in evaluating.
It is the games that we playinside of our mind.
Those silent battles that you'refighting with people and they
don't even know it.
How we are treating ourselvesand knowing when we need to stop
(35:30):
and find other ways to do it isbetter.
Before it gets too late.
Thank you for your time.
I'm always available if you everwanted to talk and have
guidance.
Um, I have so much experiencethrough good and bad, to draw
(35:50):
upon.
And I am certainly available ifyou need any help.
I appreciate your time today.
I hope you have a great one.
Erin here.
Thank you for joining me foranother episode of the I Have
Fallen and Need Some Helppodcast.
Today we are going over thetopic of caregiver burnout.
Burnout in general is...
A topic that is very big, a bigtopic to talk about within the
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senior living industry, withinhealthcare, within parenting,
within caregiving.
Um, I believe based on my ownexperience and my most recent
experience that burnout is aninternal game.
It literally is our minds andhow we think about things.
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Now, don't get me wrong, there'sphysical burnout.
Right?
And I have been there.
Where I just cannot do thisanymore.
I need a break.
A substantial break.
That's real.
That's physical.
We have to physically rest inthose times of physical burnout.
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Because we physically can't keepgoing.
So, in regards to physicalburnout, yes, resting, sleeping,
doing nothing, all those thingsare important.
But when we talk about the realburnout definition, when it
comes to the emotional, thepsychological, the I'm not
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working out in 115 degree heat,building ditches, laying pipes,
kind of physical burnout.
I am struggling with thepressures of life, the demands
of life, the demands of being aparent, and working, and sports,
and being a caregiver of anelderly loved one who needs all
my attention, who may havedementia.
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These are the types of emotionalburnout topics that I want to
talk about.
Because this is what stops usfrom being, I think, the best
versions of ourselves.
This topic alone has preventedme from reaching a level of self
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assurance or professionalism orstatus in my life that I want of
peace.
It's prevented peace in my life,which is what I think most of us
want.
That's what I want to talk abouttoday.
And I, I do consider myself anexpert in living in overwhelm.
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I do not believe I am an expertof winning in overwhelm.
I consider myself a beginner.
Um, and maybe in recovery rightnow, but not necessarily.
Uh, a master of managing it, butI have come a long way and there
are many reasons why I sufferedburnout.
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Um, I am a caregiver.
I've been a caregiver, um,pretty much my entire adult
life.
Well, most of you, if you'vebeen listening to this podcast
long enough, or you know mepersonally, you know that I
started caring for mygrandmother, really, when I was,
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20, 19 years old, we actuallymoved in together when I was 22
years old.
So I finished out my collegeyears as her roommate, but she
was my person, you know, in myjourney of self discovery here
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this past year, I realizedcaregiving.
Other people was one of the waysthat I avoided fixing some of
the problems emotionally andmindset problems that I had for
myself because I was busy addingvalue to other people and making
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sure that they were okay.
People pleasing tendencies,right?
So when I look back on my lifeand my caregiving journey, this
is what it looks like.
I'm currently 42 years old.
I cared for my grandmother.
For 15 years from the time I was19 really until the time that
she passed away, and I was 35 or36 at the time when she passed
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away.
She passed away in 2016 so Shewas a constant Responsibility
that I loved right but still aresponsibility for Oh, for 15
years, basically.
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So, every Tuesday, Thursday, andSaturday, she required a bath.
Every Saturday was hair day andgrocery store shopping day.
Now, I shared responsibilitieswith my mother.
You know, she was not my soleresponsibility.
But, I was her person and shewas mine.
And, the bulk of theresponsibility did land on me.
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But, My mother was very helpful.
I look back and I probably putthe bulk of that responsibility
on me on purpose, right?
Not asking for help, but thebulk of the responsibility was
mine.
But towards the end, it kind ofplayed, leveled off a little
bit.
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And so during that time, duringthat 15 year span, of course, I
had children.
And my first child was born.
Early, 28 weeks, and then hissecond month of life, he needed
a trach to survive.
And so I then became a caregiverof a special needs child that I
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was completely overwhelmed with.
I did not know how to take careof a child, let alone a child
that had a trach to breathe andall of the suctioning and
everything else that comes withbreathing from your neck.
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And I still had theresponsibility of my
grandmother.
Now, granted, in the beginningit was less, but as time went on
and life kind of evened out alittle bit, I...
resumed my role with her becauseshe wanted to be a part of the
child's life too, right?
And through all of those 15years, because in 2015 I had my
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second child, but by that timeshe was in assisted living, I
also worked inside the seniorliving industry where I was a
leader, a manager, and a coachto lots of families in the, who
were caregiving their elderlyloved ones too.
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So I know what it's like to giveeverything to someone or
everybody.
I did it for basically 20 years.
And I basically ceased to existlast year.
I would say July 2022 was thetime that I literally could not
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do it anymore.
Um, and this past year I havereally been diving into what led
me to that place.
And of course there were timesthat I had worked like 14 days
in a row or that, you know, mygrandmother was in the hospital
and I had to be there or, youknow, all those things.
(07:50):
Like the physical burnout is notthe most important piece that
I'm going to talk about heretoday.
It is literally the emotionalcomponent of burnout and
overwhelm.
Because the truth is, it was myway of thinking and my
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subconscious desire to pleasepeople because I gained value
from that, that made me sotired.
I lost the sense of who I was.
Because who I was was acaregiver and that's just what I
did.
I could not even tell you what Idid to have fun.
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I didn't really have fun.
I didn't know how to have fun.
That was my fault.
Because I carried a load that Ihad to make everybody happy.
That I carried a load that I wasthe one who...
I knew how to handle all theaspects to make everything run
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smoothly, to make them feelsuccessful, to make people feel
seen, valued, heard.
I needed to be there to ensuresuccess.
Now, around COVID, I kind oflost some of that and was...
I kind of woke up to whatreality was and how I'm really
not that important.
My job, if I'm doing itcorrectly, is other people can
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be successful.
I'm just the leader.
I don't have to be the leaderand the doer, right?
I mean, it took me a while toget there, but I got there.
But the loss of identity can bea real crisis to people who find
themselves in a sudden onset ofcaregiving.
I never really created myidentity because my grandmother
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and my care and love for herkind of were ingrained in my
identity.
And then when I started workinginto senior living, that became
my identity.
I was an executive directorinside of the senior living
community.
That was my identity.
So if you are not, have not beenprepared to become a caregiver,
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all of a sudden when you are...
put into that situation, theloss of identity can certainly
affect you in a negative way.
And the mindset that we havearound that loss can bring a lot
of resentments.
And if there's one thing thatI've learned through my journey
is that when we carryresentments, that is where
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burnout comes.
The heavy load of fighting asilent battle that is full of
Negative energy towards somebodyand they don't even know it,
that is unhealthy.
So awareness to me is numberone, be aware that you feel
lost, that you feeluncomfortable, and that may, you
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may be fighting this changeinternally when you really just
need to learn to accept it.
One of the hardest things inlife is to, excuse my French,
suck at something.
And when you are not used tobeing a caregiver, you're going
to really suck at it at thebeginning.
You're, you're going to be okay,like the first couple of days,
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and then you're going to gettired of it because you're
expecting somebody to besomething that they can't be
anymore.
Especially if we're talkingabout dementia, but even from
the physical component, whentheir care is more physical.
It's going to be difficultbecause you're going to want
them to get better so bad thatyou're gonna get angry that they
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can't if you're not careful.
So I think you have to createthis new thought process around
identity and care caregiving,because caregiving is not
forever, unless you have aspecial needs child.
My role as a caregiver to my sonwho is a special needs child.
will be forever.
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I have just come to theconclusion that that is what it
will be.
And if it's not, I will be sohappy.
But I don't want to fight thisnotion anymore that this is only
for x amount of years becausethen that sets expectations up
that are not realistic.
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So, If it's just your lovedones, your elderly loved ones,
your caregiving journey is notforever.
And if you choose to keep themat home, it may be for a while,
it may be for a long time, butit's not forever.
And if you choose to move theminto a senior living community,
your caregiving role changes,but it doesn't go away.
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So your identity needs tobecome, you're less of what
you're used to.
Because there's a short termpause in that because now this
person needs my help.
And you are the one thatdetermines how long that is.
So when we fight and resist theneeds at hand, that can be the
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struggle that can spark thenegative energy that we just get
tired of dealing with.
Because it's usually not theperson that we get tired of
dealing with.
It's usually the story that wetell ourselves about the
situation and the fights that wehave internally.
So yes, the loss of identity ishard.
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It's not forever, for most ofus.
It's not forever.
And how you frame that and whatsolutions you look for to keep
your old identity back in yourlife, right?
So my parents, my mom used tolike to dance and when my
grandmother needed more help, wejust really sat down and talked
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about what she had going on andwhen I needed to step up and
then when she needed to step up.
And so the identities...
could remain the same within thecontext of a caregiving role.
Sometimes we have to quit ourjob.
You know, when my son was homefrom the hospital, I didn't work
for two years.
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I lost the only identity that Ihad that mattered to me at that
point, which was being anexecutive director of an
assisted living community.
And I lost it to become a motherof a special needs child.
And let me tell you, thatidentity was a difficult one to
wear.
I fought that one for a minute,but it's who I am, you know, it
is who I am and who you are as acaregiver is a new identity that
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you can put on.
And when that role is over,you'll be proud of it as long as
you don't resent it.
And if you feel like you'reresenting it, there are things
that you can do to change themindset.
Ask for help.
Plan ahead.
There are many people out therethat can help you, um, that
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could be family for free, thatyou could pay for sitters, you
could find senior living, ifthey're on hospice, you can
find, respite relief.
There's lots of organizationsout there that can help
caregiver burnout.
But just don't fight it from anemotional identity place.
Thank you.
Because this too shall pass.
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And you can actually reframe itfor, I have X amount of time
with this person, so I'm goingto enjoy it while I can.
It's going to be difficult.
I'm going to have to say no to alot of different parts of my
life, but it is not forever.
That will help you release theresentments, the loss of
identity, and help you regain apositive form of identity.
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Another element to burnout andovercoming it and being
proactive about it, to me, isthe emotional and physical
demands of the job.
it's one thing if you just bringdinner to your loved one or come
and get...
Get them in or out of the showera couple times a week, or you're
just checking in and saying,Hey, and it's another process
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altogether, another experiencealtogether when you have to be
responsible for their care.
Caregiving.
At that stage of caregiving ismirrors parenting.
And so whereas you may beanywhere between 20 and
somewhere in your 40s with kidsless than 10 years old in age,
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you could be anywhere between inyour 50s all the way up to your
70s, to where you have anelderly parent, aunt, cousin,
whatever, who needs your help.
In the same way, but different,of course, than a child would.
When we age backwards, Which, ifwe're lucky enough, that's what
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we get to do.
You can find yourself in somevery interesting predicaments.
And the physical demands canbecome too much for somebody.
And the emotional demands can betoo much for somebody.
I mean, we can talk about thistopic so deep.
But, when someone has to liftsomebody to transfer to the
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bathroom, to...
The bathtub, to the shower, tothe toilet, to get dressed.
You physically have to be ableto meet that need.
When your loved one has dementiaand the body of that loved one
is fine, but the mind isrequiring a lot of emotional
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patience from you, that's a lotto deal with.
Ask me how I know.
Having a child with autism.
And having a parent withdementia is the same experience,
just in mirror images of eachother.
I have to hear the same thingsover and over again, the same
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way.
Get frustrated the same way.
You get frustrated why theydon't know how to do what they
should know how to do or whatthey've known how to do their
entire life.
And it requires a level ofcompassion.
And patience, that to me issuper human and I don't always
have it.
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And you won't always have iteither.
And this is where my favoritephrase comes in and I have to
remind myself, this is how yougive yourself grace as a
caregiver and as a parent.
All that I can do is my best.
And if my best isn't goodenough, then my next step is to
find.
Someone else's best, that's goodenough.
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And if I am about to lose it,I'm going to allow somebody else
to step in and handle the care.
And that is where a goodpartner, like a sibling, or a
cousin, or a spouse of anelderly person that you're
caring for, y'all can take turnsand tag team.
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For me, clearly, it's my spouse.
And my mother, honestly, thoseare the people that I have that
I can depend on, and a fewpeople that if they came over,
that could allow me the timejust to walk out of the house
and be okay.
Because my son requires a lot ofpatience that a lot of people
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don't have.
So.
Being aware of the emotional andphysical demands and then being
aware of how you're thinkingabout them and how you're
beating yourself up aboutanswering the wrong way or being
frustrated at them.
All those are important becauseif we constantly beat ourselves
up about things that are outsideof our control, we exhaust
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ourselves emotionally and thenwe are no good to that other
person.
Listen to me.
It hurts.
It breaks my heart that my sonis different than the majority
of the people his age.
If I dwell on that, And I getangry every time he proves that
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point to me, I am no good to himand I am no good to myself and I
am no good to my daughter and Iam no good to my spouse because
I am in a vicious thought loopthat prevents me from seeing the
joy that he brings to my lifeand everything that he has
taught me about what's importantin life.
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Because really a caregivingexperience simplifies life.
In a way that is appreciatingordinary moments.
That if we don't allow that tobe in our life, we forget how
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happy and how joyful life canbe.
The emotional and the physicaldemands are high enough to where
I would say you as a caregiver,me as a parent, you as a parent
focus on your health first.
I cannot tell you how many timesI have seen elderly spouses,
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elderly children of an elderlycaregiver who are so worn out.
That they are worse off than theperson that they're caring for.
Now, I just want to say, whathappens to the person that needs
the care when the caregivercan't do it, or has a heart
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attack, or falls?
Real bad things can happen.
I've seen it.
So, take the time to care foryourself.
That's both a physical and anemotional self care.
Which, everybody says a lot, butit's really important.
Take walks, workout videos onYouTube for free.
Go to the YMCA.
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Find an adult daycare that givesyou some breaks locally in your
town.
Do what's required to maintainyour health, both emotionally
and physically.
If you don't, you will run intoa wall.
And give yourself grace.
You are not going to be perfectall the time, but when the bad
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things happen that you'reashamed of more than the
patience and the good things,you need to understand that
that's a sign that you need tore evaluate what you're thinking
in your mind, how much timeyou're devoting, and how much
time you may need away.
Be aware of the patterns.
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We've talked about the emotionaldemands, right?
You have, or what they requirefrom you.
But let's talk about theemotional impact this has on
you.
The demands are different fromthe impact because the demands
are somebody is like literallydemanding you to have patience,
to have long suffering, to bekind.
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That's a demand when you're in aparenting and a caregiving role.
But what about the impact onyou?
It is heartbreaking to watchsomebody you love diminish in
capacity, whether it's physicalor mental.
It's heartbreaking when they canno longer do things for
themselves in a way that bringselements of shame and
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disappointment.
That is sad.
And there are times where wehave to hide those feelings to
keep dignity intact.
And then there are times wherewe need to walk away and cry and
scream it out.
And you've got to let theemotions out.
Because if you keep those in...
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One day you're going to let itall out and it's going to be
brutally honest and harsh toeverybody around.
And I think that that's a lotwhere the resentments come in,
where you resent yourself fornot feeling it, where you resent
other people because they're notaround.
You know, the emotional impactsare hard.
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And one of the things that Ihave learned, if anything
through this journey is allowingourselves to feel the feelings
that we feel.
And be vulnerable in thosemoments is one of the most
courageous things that we cando.
There's no room for shame incaregiving.
When you have so much shamesurrounding your relationship
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with the person you're caringfor or your children, you lose
the ability to connect.
And connection is whatcaregiving is all about.
So these thoughts of I am notenough, I should have done this,
and I should have done that.
Those are shame statements, andthey need to go away.
You lose the ability to connectwith people.
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Instead of, I am not enough, Iam doing my best, and I am
continually improving every day.
Instead, I should have, well,now I know that feeding him eggs
is not the right thing to dobecause of this.
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Instead of, I should have knownnot to feed him eggs.
Stay away from the word should.
That is shame inducing andlosing connection, lack of
vulnerability attitude that wecannot have in caregiving.
You are not going to be incontrol in every circumstance
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inside of our caregivingrelationships.
You will have to lose the desireto control everything.
There are times where what youcan control needs to be
controlled.
And there are times that you cannever plan for what just
happened.
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The idea of control andperfectionism is again a sign
that you are avoidingvulnerability.
And burnout and overwhelm andanxiety is just us trying to
fight vulnerability.
The caregiving and the parentingrole is...
One of the most vulnerable rolesthat you could ever be in.
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You cannot control every aspectof the situation.
You cannot be rigid in it.
You cannot be certain aboutanything.
You just have to be able toidentify what you can control
and to let go of what you can't.
You can communicate very wellwith people.
You can take down notes, you canwrite down, identify patterns
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and communicate all of thosenotes to the people that matter,
that can help you withcaregiving plans, with
medications, doctors, nurses,all of those, those are things
you can control, but you cannotcontrol moods.
You cannot control advancementand diseases.
And you cannot control how youfeel about any of that.
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You can just control how youthink about it.
And that is something that mostpeople ignore.
That's where the power is.
That's where the success is incaregiving and fighting the
overwhelming burnout battle.
One of the things in leadershipthat I've realized, and even in
parenting, because obviouslyparenting and caregiving has the
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same elements of leadership, andthat's that we have to make
ourselves more valuable so wecan give value to other people.
I think pretty much everypersonal development and
leadership development coachsays that, but John Maxwell is
who I first realized the conceptfrom.
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And it's true.
You know, it's a, it's a goodprofessional take on the whole
oxygen mask and the airplane,which really is used so much
that we forget how powerful thatstatement is.
And I made reference to itearlier, but if you expect to
care and be the best parent orthe best caregiver that you can
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be, you have to make yourselfmore valuable.
You cannot continually give toother people.
And not give yourself more.
So how do you make yourself morevaluable?
Well, one thing is you have toidentify for you what success
is.
And I think this is somethingthat most caregivers and
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parents, and really people, allpeople do wrong.
What does success look like toyou?
Not to me.
Not to the person down thestreet.
What is success for you?
For your loved one?
For my son, throwing a bigbirthday party, where people
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are, a lot of people are around,is not successful.
It doesn't go well.
I've tried that.
Success for him at a birthdayparty.
is going to a place that hewants to.
Lots of rides, um, quiet, thathe gets his favorite things,
that he gets what he wants, whenhe wants it.
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Lots of love and attention froma small group of people that
love him.
That's success to him.
That's not success to me for abirthday.
I feel successful when I givethat to him, but I can't do that
same birthday idea with mydaughter because she has a
different definition of success.
So, how you make yourself morevaluable is to know what you
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want, what you need.
A break?
A day off?
Two days off?
How do you plan that?
To go to an event, and so youmake sure that you make plans to
where you have a babysitter, ifyou're a parent, or you have
somebody who comes in and sitsfor your loved one, if you're a
(29:43):
caregiver.
To where you read books, youlisten to podcasts, you listen
to YouTube videos on ways tomake behaviors settle down, uh,
identify the patterns that yousee, write down notes, um, have
open conversations with people,talk to people to see if they
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are giving you the same ideathat you're on the right track,
or there are different thingsthat you can look for.
Look at and listen out for that,that may help the situation.
All of that makes you morevaluable.
So you then can give more valueto others.
Sometimes we feel like we don'thave support.
Now, there, you could be one ofsix kids and still feel like you
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don't have support and you couldbe an only child and feel like
you have no support.
So just so you know, everybodyfeels like they have no support
at some point.
And that may be true.
That may be a very truestatement.
But what I'm going to ask you iswhen you say that about
yourself, how does it make youfeel?
(30:52):
And can you reframe that thoughtto Something different.
I have no support can be a verylimiting belief and so therefore
you're already defeated when yousay that.
But you can also reframe it to,I was not blessed with siblings
to help me through this journeybut what I can do is learn as
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much as I can and try to figureout how I can bring some added
support here.
I don't have the support yetthat I need but I'm currently
working on it.
That's giving you the creditthat you deserve.
It's giving you the grace thatyou deserve.
When we repeat a negativestatement to us over and over
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again, we believe it.
Because again, there's adifference between the story of
the circumstance that we're in,and how we narrate that story to
ourselves.
We are all resilient people.
We have resilience built intous.
One of the things that we haveto determine is, is it time to
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be gritty and put our head downand just do it?
Or is it time for us tointellectually persevere and
really assess the situation andsay, do we need to look at
another avenue to find successhere?
To pivot, to say, I have reachedthe point that I have done all
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that I can do, and now we needto look at senior living, or in
home sitters, or what otheradult daycare, what other
options that are out there.
That's not failure.
That's being honest.
Failure, to me, is isolation,it's ignoring warning signs, and
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Trying to stick something outthat isn't healthy for anyone.
Grit alone is not resilience.
Grit comes when nothing is goingto change.
Where I'm just going to get thisdone real quick, or I'm going
to, if we're in a basketballgame, right, I'm just going to
(33:10):
put my head down and I'm goingto keep on going because there's
really nothing else that we cando beside play basketball.
Right?
But when you actuallyintellectually think about the
circumstance that you're in andrealize that putting my head
down and working towards thisoutcome is not healthy anymore
and we need to make somedecisions about how to get
(33:31):
healthy again, that isresilience in a very
intellectual and positive way.
So that's how you determinewhether or not.
So that's a great way ofexplaining how to identify when
to keep going and when to giveup, when to keep going, and when
it's time to make and considerother choices.
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How healthy is the situationphysically, how healthy is the
situation mentally, emotionally,and what financial.
considerations do we need totake into account to make this a
healthy situation.
I have seen so many peopleendure such hardships when they
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didn't have to.
Because yes, people want to tellyou, I don't want to move into a
nursing home or I don't want tomove into assisted living, but I
want you to know that there havebeen more times than not, I, the
sentence, I wish I would havedone this sooner.
Because you don't know whatyou're gaining until you
(34:40):
actually know what you'regaining.
It's sad at the beginning, yes,but oh, if you find the right
community, it can be lifechanging.
Yours and theirs.
So, the moral of my story inthis podcast is Overwhelm and
(35:00):
burnout can be prevented can bestopped and is worth your time
in evaluating.
It is the games that we playinside of our mind.
Those silent battles that you'refighting with people and they
don't even know it.
How we are treating ourselvesand knowing when we need to stop
(35:30):
and find other ways to do it isbetter.
Before it gets too late.
Thank you for your time.
I'm always available if you everwanted to talk and have
guidance.
Um, I have so much experiencethrough good and bad, to draw
(35:50):
upon.
And I am certainly available ifyou need any help.
I appreciate your time today.
I hope you have a great one.
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