Everyone's a Narcissist When They're Losing Control | The Reckoning Part 12

Everyone becomes a narcissist when they're losing control. This realization might be uncomfortable, but it's one of the most important psychological insights we can embrace for healthier relationships.

When someone stops validating us, stops choosing us, or sets boundaries we don't like, few of us respond with immediate grace. Instead, we tighten our grip, call them selfish, and sometimes act exactly like what we claim to despise. Actual narcissistic personality disorder exists, but it's rare. What's common is the flare of narcissistic traits when we feel threatened – the entitlement, manipulation, and lack of empathy that emerge when our ego panics.

The term "narcissist" has morphed from a clinical diagnosis to an emotional weapon. We use it to invalidate others' boundaries and excuse our own behavior. But most people aren't narcissists – they're wounded, desperate for dignity, and perhaps finally standing up for themselves. The most revealing question isn't "are they a narcissist?" but "am I displaying narcissistic traits right now?" When we get angry at limits, spin stories to look better, recruit allies instead of seeking resolution, or punish others emotionally, we're looking in a mirror we'd rather avoid.

True healing doesn't start with labeling others. It begins with accountability – recognizing what we did, not what someone "made" us do. By focusing on behaviors instead of labels, we create space for growth. Because while behaviors can change with awareness, labels rarely do. Next time you're tempted to call someone a narcissist, ask yourself: are they toxic, or just done letting you call the shots?

Chapters:
0:00 The Control Paradox
3:00 Understanding True Narcissism
4:11 Why We Behave Narcissistically
5:01 Weaponization of the "Narcissist" Label
6:10 Recognizing Our Own Narcissistic Behaviors
7:00 Accountability Over Labeling
7:59 Identifying Genuine Narcissistic Patterns

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:09):
Episode twelve of nineteen.
Everyone's a narcissist whenthey're losing control.
What really makes narcissisticbehavior emerge and why labeling
others often reveals more aboutus?
Before we call someone anarcissist, we need to ask, are

(00:32):
they toxic?
Or just refusing to let uscontrol the story anymore?
Let's be real.
The moment control slips throughour fingers, the moment someone
stops needing us, stopsvalidating us, stops choosing
us, we don't usually respondwith grace.

(00:55):
We tighten our grip.
We call them selfish.
And sometimes, we act exactlylike the thing we swear we are
not.
Calling someone a narcissistdoesn't make us insightful.
It usually makes us reactive.

(01:16):
Because, yes, actual narcissistsexist.
But most of the time, we're justwatching someone panic as they
lose control.
And that panic, it looks a lotlike entitlement.
It looks like manipulation.
It looks like deflection.

(01:38):
In other words, it looks like uson our worst day.
Narcissistic behavior isn'trare.
It's human.
The need to be seen, the pain ofbeing ignored, the flinch when
someone sets a boundary.
We've done it.

(01:59):
I've done it.
You've done it.
The difference isn't in whetherwe feel it.
The difference is what we doonce we know we're losing power.
The most self-aware thing we cando isn't spotting narcissists.
It's noticing when we startlooking like one.

(02:22):
When the story shifts to protectour image, when we punish people
with silence, when we only tellour side.
That's where the work is.
So before we label, we need toask, are they a narcissist?
Or are they just done letting uscall the shots?

(02:45):
And if someone calls us anarcissist, is it a smear
campaign?
Or did they finally stoptiptoeing around our ego?
Section one.
What narcissism actually is.
Let's clear the fog.

(03:07):
Narcissistic personalitydisorder, real NPD, is rare.
But narcissistic traits?
They're everywhere.
We all carry tendencies that canflare when threatened unless we
explicitly understand them andchoose not to do them.

(03:28):
Entitlement, manipulation, lackof empathy.
These are not exotic.
They are human defenses.
The spectrum matters.
Traits don't make usnarcissists, but unchecked
traits can still wreak havoc inrelationships.

(03:52):
Remember, narcissism itselfisn't rare.
What is rare is noticing it inourselves.
Section two, why losing controltriggers narcissistic traits.
Our egos don't like rejection.

(04:14):
They don't like ambiguity.
They don't like beingirrelevant.
Feeling abandoned or exposed isan identity threat.
And what do we do whenthreatened?
We try to control.
Control the narrative.
Control the person.

(04:35):
Control the perception.
That response, whether subtle orexplosive, looks a lot like
narcissism.
Because it is narcissism inminiature.
Narcissistic behavior is justthe ego panicking when it loses

(04:57):
control.
Section three, the weaponizationof the word narcissist.
Here's where it gets reallymessy.
Narcissist has become anemotional slur.
TikTok therapy culture loves itbecause it's quick, viral, and

(05:21):
final.
But calling someone a narcissistoften ends the conversation
before it starts.
It invalidates their boundaries.
It excuses our own behavior.
Most people aren't actualnarcissists.
They're wounded, flailing,desperate for dignity.

(05:44):
And labeling them narc doesn'theal anything.
It just keeps the cycle going.
The word narcissist is often amirror, not a diagnosis.
Section four.

(06:10):
Let's flip the mirror.
We might be sliding intonarcissistic behavior if we get
angry when someone sets limits.
We spin the story to makeourselves look better.
We recruit allies instead ofseeking resolution.
We punish someone emotionally toreassert control.

(06:31):
We become obsessed with how itlooks instead of what it
actually is.
Sound familiar?
That's the mirror most of usavoid.
The best way to spot anarcissist is to catch ourselves
acting like one.

(06:54):
Section five.
What to do instead of labeling?
So what is the alternative?
Well, instead of slapping alabel, ask, what need of mine
feels threatened here?
Practice accountability.
This is what I did, not this iswhat they made me do.

(07:20):
Separate pain from projection.
Conflict isn't abuse.
Boundaries are not cruelty.
Focus on behaviors, not labels.
Because behaviors can change.

(07:41):
Labels rarely do.
Healing doesn't start with alabel, it starts with
accountability.
Section six, when it's actuallynarcissism.
Of course, sometimes it is thereal thing.

(08:03):
We know it's more than traitswhen there's a pattern over
time, not just one fight.
There's zero remorse orself-reflection.
They cannot handle being wrong.
Empathy is weaponized and neverreal.
Being with them feels likeconstant auditioning for love.

(08:24):
That is not just losing control.
That is someone built oncontrol.
Traits fade when challenged.
Narcissism doubles down.
Section seven.

(08:47):
Self-awareness is.