August 16, 2025 • 17 mins
Is there a “true you” buried under layers of trauma? Dan argues that the idea of a perfect, hidden self is a seductive myth. Your personality isn’t a statue but a collection of strategies that once kept you safe. Instead of unearthing a sacred essence, this episode invites you to gently retire defense mechanisms that no longer serve you and embrace presence over performance.
Episode highlights:
- Why hyper‑independence, perfectionism and people‑pleasing become identities.
- How to spot defense mechanisms masquerading as authenticity.
- Moving from character to presence—without a perfected self.
Chapters:
0:00 No True Self, Just Less Defense
2:19 The Myth of the True Self
4:05 You Are a Strategy, Not a Statue
5:55 How Defense Becomes Identity
8:14 What Happens When You Stop Defending
9:57 Self as Process, Not Product
11:52 Letting the Mask Die
13:30 Stop Looking, Start Listening
Ready to drop the mask? Like and share if this episode resonated with you.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Daniel Boyd (00:10):
Episode 6 of 19.
There is no true self, justwhat you stop defending.
You're not becoming yourself,you're just getting quieter
inside.
You're not becoming your trueself, you're just defending less
(00:36):
, that silence you're afraid ofthat might be.
You, uncloaked, you've beenchasing your true self like it's
buried under a mountain oftrauma.
You think once you heal enough,find enough, unlock enough,
you'll arrive.
But what if that's the liethat's keeping you stuck?
You think there's a version ofyou waiting to be uncovered, the
(00:58):
real you.
So you collect tools, youdiscard people, you rebrand all
in search of some singular,essential self that will finally
feel like home.
But what if the real you isn'tfound by digging?
What if it's what's left whenyou stop defending what you
(01:21):
never were?
There is no true self waitingbehind the curtain.
There's only the silence thatshows up when you stop
performing for safety.
And that's what scares mostpeople, because without the old
defenses there's no characterleft, just presence.
(01:45):
You're not becoming yourself,you're just learning to stop
narrating the ego's script.
And when the story stops,you're still here, still
breathing, still whole.
So the question isn't who areyou really?
(02:06):
It's what are you stillprotecting that you'd rather let
die quietly than face out loud.
Let's go there.
Section one the myth of the trueself.
The myth of the true self.
The self-help aisle loves theidea of a true self.
(02:28):
Therapy loves it, spiritualtraditions love it.
Even your favorite influencerloves it.
It's the perfect sales pitch.
There's a pure, untouchedversion of you somewhere inside,
waiting to be rediscovered.
Once you heal enough, meditateenough, integrate enough, you'll
(02:55):
arrive.
It's seductive because it feelslike hope, like there's a
version of you that's unscarredby your past, uncorrupted by
your mistakes, a clean copy ofyou that's been hiding under all
the noise.
But here's the problem the trueself myth is just another ego
(03:18):
project.
It's perfectionism in disguise.
It whispers hey, once I'm mytrue self, then I'll finally be
whole, then I'll deserve my ownlife.
And so you start chasing it,collecting tools, buying
programs, trading in one labelfor another, but instead of
(03:41):
freeing you, for another.
But instead of freeing you, itkeeps you stuck in the same loop
, still searching, stillnarrating, still defending the
story that there's a more realversion of you out there,
somewhere.
The truth, you don't findyourself.
You stop defending what younever were.
(04:05):
Section 2.
You are a strategy, not astatue.
You're not a fixed, pre-carvedmasterpiece waiting to be dusted
off.
You're a strategy, a livingadaptation.
Every part of your personality,the parts you like and the
parts you wish would die,already exists because it worked
(04:28):
once.
It kept you safe, it got whatyou needed, it helped you
survive.
Your ego isn't the enemy, it'sjust your oldest bodyguard.
It built the walls around youwhen you needed them.
It learned the moves that keptyou from getting burned.
(04:49):
Yes, trauma might have shapedit, but so did you.
You made choices, you pickedstrategies, some conscious, some
instinctive but they all serveda purpose until they didn't.
Which is why finding your trueself will never be the thing,
(05:14):
because there's no singular selfto find.
There's only the self you build.
When you stop defending theoutdated strategies, you don't
reveal yourself throughexcavation.
When you stop defending theoutdated strategies, you don't
reveal yourself throughexcavation.
You reveal yourself throughsubtraction, through letting old
armor fall off without rushingto replace it.
(05:36):
And when the noise dies down,you might be surprised to find
there was nothing hiding underit, just you, already here,
already breathing.
Section 3.
(05:56):
How defense becomes identity.
Look, you didn't mean for it tohappen.
No one does.
You start with a wound, a weakspot you'd rather no one touch.
So you build around it anoverdeveloped strength to hide
the gap.
You become fiercely independent, so no one can abandon you.
(06:20):
You become relentlessly capable, so no one can dismiss you.
You become endlessly agreeable,so no one can reject you,
dismiss you.
You become endlessly agreeable,so no one can reject you.
You become hyper responsible,so no one can accuse you of
failing them.
You become the life of theparty, so no one notices how
lonely you feel.
You become the caretaker, so noone questions your worth.
You become unshakably calm, sono one can see how afraid you
(06:45):
are.
You become the achiever, so noone can question your value.
You become the fixer, so no onenotices your own cracks.
And here's the kicker Peoplepraise it.
They love your mask.
They call it strength,resilience, confidence.
(07:08):
You get rewarded for your armor.
You get applause for the roleyou didn't even know you were
auditioning for and slowly,without even noticing, you start
believing the mask is you.
The strategy becomes your truth.
It's not the strategy is notyour truth, it's just the
(07:33):
version of you that's safest topresent.
For example, hyper independencedoesn't always mean strength.
It often means terror of beingneeded, of needing anyone back,
of the unbearable and, to befair, very real risk that
intimacy might not last.
(07:54):
But the applause is addictive.
So you keep polishing the mask,keep calling it me, keep
forgetting that underneath itthere's a whole human you
haven't let into the light inyears.
Section 4.
(08:14):
What happens when you stopdefending?
The moment you let go of themask, people stop recognizing
you.
Some won't like it, some willbe confused, some will try to
drag you back into the costumebecause they only know how to
love you.
In character, you lose controlof the narrative.
(08:38):
You stop being the person whoalways has the right answer, or
the one who's so strong, or theone who's always fine, and for a
while you feel unformed,exposed, like you're walking
into every room without skin.
There's a gap between the roleyou mastered and the self you
(09:03):
haven't met yet.
That gap feels terrifying.
It also feels like freedom,because once you stop defending,
the stillness shows up, notbecause you found yourself, but
because you finally stoppedrunning interference for the
performance.
You stop trying to steer everyconversation away from the ever
(09:28):
so tender places.
You stop calculating every moveto keep your image intact.
You stop narrating your life ina way that makes you look
coherent and what's left?
Not a character, not a brand,not a perfect, essential self,
just presence.
Just you, quiet, uncloaked,still here.
(09:57):
Section 5.
The self isn't a thing, it's aprocess.
You are not a finished product.
You are not a final form.
You are not a polished statuewaiting to be unveiled.
You are a living, breathingprocess, a constant exchange
(10:19):
between who you've been, who youare now and who you might
become tomorrow.
Selfhood is not static.
It is responsive.
It shifts with what you learn,with what you survive and what
you allow yourself to feel.
When you try to quote, findyourself, end quote, you imply
(10:43):
there's a fixed version of youhiding somewhere else.
That version doesn't exist.
You're already here.
What's in the way is everythingyou've built to survive, and
here's the part most people skipover.
Your survival structures arenot wrong.
They were intelligent, theykept you alive.
(11:06):
But once they outlive theirusefulness, they stop protecting
you and start suffocating you.
They make you feel small in alife you've outgrown.
So the work is not to becomesomething.
The work is to remove what nolonger fits, not what no longer
(11:27):
serves, but what no longer fits,to let each unnecessary layer
fall away without replacing itwith another costume.
There's no finish line.
There's only deeper truth, onlymore space Only less noise.
(11:51):
Section 6.
How to let the mask die withoutneeding a new one.
First rule stop labelingyourself.
Every label you pick up isanother role you'll feel the
need to defend.
The more labels you wear, theharder it is to hear your own
(12:11):
voice through the costume.
Second stop performingvulnerability like it's a brand.
Vulnerability is not yourmarketing strategy.
It is not a currency to buyintimacy.
It is not a trick to proveyou're authentic.
It's the willingness to beunguarded without needing to
(12:32):
announce it, to be unguardedwithout needing to announce it.
Third notice when you'reexplaining your truth instead of
living it.
If you constantly feel the needto justify yourself, you're
still playing to an audience.
You're still looking forpermission to be what you
already are.
Fourth Practice silence.
(12:54):
Not as an absence of sound, butas the presence of yourself,
without the script, no backstory, no self-selling, no
positioning your worth in a waythat others will get.
Silence has a way of fleshingout the parts of you that only
(13:14):
exist for show.
It reveals what's solid andwhat was just scaffolding for
the performance.
It can feel like losingyourself at first, but it's not.
It's meeting yourself withoutthe translation.
Section 7.
Stop looking and startlistening.
(13:37):
You will not find yourself in abook, you will not find
yourself in your journal.
You will not find yourself in aweekend retreat, a vision quest
or a breathwork session thatpromises to unlock you.
And, yes, you will not evenfind yourself in psychedelics.
(13:58):
They can absolutely blow thedoors open.
Psychedelics can certainly dropyou into states of clarity and
connection you didn't think werepossible.
Psychedelics can even show youwhat's under the armor.
But they are not a finish line.
They are a glimpse, a doorframeyou still have to walk through
(14:21):
over and over when the visionsfade and your old habits try to
drag you back.
If you don't do the integration, the unglamorous daily work of
letting go of old defenses,catching your reflexive masks in
the moment and choosingpresence instead of performance,
you'll just end up chasing thenext ceremony like it's
(14:43):
salvation.
Look, if the psychedelic tripdid the work for you, everyone
would be healed by now.
You will only meet yourself inthe space between the defenses,
in the moments when you are notnarrating, not explaining, not
protecting.
You will meet yourself in thepart of you that doesn't flinch,
(15:06):
when no one is validating you,in the pause between words, when
you stop auditioning forbelonging.
It will not feel like fireworks.
It will not feel like arevelation.
It will feel like a quietexhale you didn't know you were
holding and in that space youwill realize you are not your
(15:31):
past, you are not your potential.
You are not the versions of youthat other people carry in their
heads.
You are here and here is enoughin their heads.
You are here and here is enough.
So stop hunting for the trueyou.
(15:53):
Stop trying to peel back layerslike you're looking for buried
treasure.
Stop asking the world toconfirm that you've arrived.
Start listening, start noticingwhat's already present when you
stop performing, start trustingthe stillness that doesn't need
(16:14):
an audience.
The goal is not to discoveryourself.
The goal is to stop defendingthe self that never needed
defending in the first place,and once you, to stop defending
the self that never neededdefending in the first place.
And once you do stop defendingthe self that never needed
defending in the first place,you'll find there's nothing left
to prove Just presence, justbreath, just life.
(16:39):
And if that still feels toosmall, no-transcript.
Episode 6 of 19.
There is no true self, justwhat you stop defending.
You're not becoming yourself,you're just getting quieter
inside.
You're not becoming your trueself, you're just defending less
(00:36):
, that silence you're afraid ofthat might be.
You, uncloaked, you've beenchasing your true self like it's
buried under a mountain oftrauma.
You think once you heal enough,find enough, unlock enough,
you'll arrive.
But what if that's the liethat's keeping you stuck?
You think there's a version ofyou waiting to be uncovered, the
(00:58):
real you.
So you collect tools, youdiscard people, you rebrand all
in search of some singular,essential self that will finally
feel like home.
But what if the real you isn'tfound by digging?
What if it's what's left whenyou stop defending what you
(01:21):
never were?
There is no true self waitingbehind the curtain.
There's only the silence thatshows up when you stop
performing for safety.
And that's what scares mostpeople, because without the old
defenses there's no characterleft, just presence.
(01:45):
You're not becoming yourself,you're just learning to stop
narrating the ego's script.
And when the story stops,you're still here, still
breathing, still whole.
So the question isn't who areyou really?
(02:06):
It's what are you stillprotecting that you'd rather let
die quietly than face out loud.
Let's go there.
Section one the myth of the trueself.
The myth of the true self.
The self-help aisle loves theidea of a true self.
(02:28):
Therapy loves it, spiritualtraditions love it.
Even your favorite influencerloves it.
It's the perfect sales pitch.
There's a pure, untouchedversion of you somewhere inside,
waiting to be rediscovered.
Once you heal enough, meditateenough, integrate enough, you'll
(02:55):
arrive.
It's seductive because it feelslike hope, like there's a
version of you that's unscarredby your past, uncorrupted by
your mistakes, a clean copy ofyou that's been hiding under all
the noise.
But here's the problem the trueself myth is just another ego
(03:18):
project.
It's perfectionism in disguise.
It whispers hey, once I'm mytrue self, then I'll finally be
whole, then I'll deserve my ownlife.
And so you start chasing it,collecting tools, buying
programs, trading in one labelfor another, but instead of
(03:41):
freeing you, for another.
But instead of freeing you, itkeeps you stuck in the same loop
, still searching, stillnarrating, still defending the
story that there's a more realversion of you out there,
somewhere.
The truth, you don't findyourself.
You stop defending what younever were.
(04:05):
Section 2.
You are a strategy, not astatue.
You're not a fixed, pre-carvedmasterpiece waiting to be dusted
off.
You're a strategy, a livingadaptation.
Every part of your personality,the parts you like and the
parts you wish would die,already exists because it worked
(04:28):
once.
It kept you safe, it got whatyou needed, it helped you
survive.
Your ego isn't the enemy, it'sjust your oldest bodyguard.
It built the walls around youwhen you needed them.
It learned the moves that keptyou from getting burned.
(04:49):
Yes, trauma might have shapedit, but so did you.
You made choices, you pickedstrategies, some conscious, some
instinctive but they all serveda purpose until they didn't.
Which is why finding your trueself will never be the thing,
(05:14):
because there's no singular selfto find.
There's only the self you build.
When you stop defending theoutdated strategies, you don't
reveal yourself throughexcavation.
When you stop defending theoutdated strategies, you don't
reveal yourself throughexcavation.
You reveal yourself throughsubtraction, through letting old
armor fall off without rushingto replace it.
(05:36):
And when the noise dies down,you might be surprised to find
there was nothing hiding underit, just you, already here,
already breathing.
Section 3.
(05:56):
How defense becomes identity.
Look, you didn't mean for it tohappen.
No one does.
You start with a wound, a weakspot you'd rather no one touch.
So you build around it anoverdeveloped strength to hide
the gap.
You become fiercely independent, so no one can abandon you.
(06:20):
You become relentlessly capable, so no one can dismiss you.
You become endlessly agreeable,so no one can reject you,
dismiss you.
You become endlessly agreeable,so no one can reject you.
You become hyper responsible,so no one can accuse you of
failing them.
You become the life of theparty, so no one notices how
lonely you feel.
You become the caretaker, so noone questions your worth.
You become unshakably calm, sono one can see how afraid you
(06:45):
are.
You become the achiever, so noone can question your value.
You become the fixer, so no onenotices your own cracks.
And here's the kicker Peoplepraise it.
They love your mask.
They call it strength,resilience, confidence.
(07:08):
You get rewarded for your armor.
You get applause for the roleyou didn't even know you were
auditioning for and slowly,without even noticing, you start
believing the mask is you.
The strategy becomes your truth.
It's not the strategy is notyour truth, it's just the
(07:33):
version of you that's safest topresent.
For example, hyper independencedoesn't always mean strength.
It often means terror of beingneeded, of needing anyone back,
of the unbearable and, to befair, very real risk that
intimacy might not last.
(07:54):
But the applause is addictive.
So you keep polishing the mask,keep calling it me, keep
forgetting that underneath itthere's a whole human you
haven't let into the light inyears.
Section 4.
(08:14):
What happens when you stopdefending?
The moment you let go of themask, people stop recognizing
you.
Some won't like it, some willbe confused, some will try to
drag you back into the costumebecause they only know how to
love you.
In character, you lose controlof the narrative.
(08:38):
You stop being the person whoalways has the right answer, or
the one who's so strong, or theone who's always fine, and for a
while you feel unformed,exposed, like you're walking
into every room without skin.
There's a gap between the roleyou mastered and the self you
(09:03):
haven't met yet.
That gap feels terrifying.
It also feels like freedom,because once you stop defending,
the stillness shows up, notbecause you found yourself, but
because you finally stoppedrunning interference for the
performance.
You stop trying to steer everyconversation away from the ever
(09:28):
so tender places.
You stop calculating every moveto keep your image intact.
You stop narrating your life ina way that makes you look
coherent and what's left?
Not a character, not a brand,not a perfect, essential self,
just presence.
Just you, quiet, uncloaked,still here.
(09:57):
Section 5.
The self isn't a thing, it's aprocess.
You are not a finished product.
You are not a final form.
You are not a polished statuewaiting to be unveiled.
You are a living, breathingprocess, a constant exchange
(10:19):
between who you've been, who youare now and who you might
become tomorrow.
Selfhood is not static.
It is responsive.
It shifts with what you learn,with what you survive and what
you allow yourself to feel.
When you try to quote, findyourself, end quote, you imply
(10:43):
there's a fixed version of youhiding somewhere else.
That version doesn't exist.
You're already here.
What's in the way is everythingyou've built to survive, and
here's the part most people skipover.
Your survival structures arenot wrong.
They were intelligent, theykept you alive.
(11:06):
But once they outlive theirusefulness, they stop protecting
you and start suffocating you.
They make you feel small in alife you've outgrown.
So the work is not to becomesomething.
The work is to remove what nolonger fits, not what no longer
(11:27):
serves, but what no longer fits,to let each unnecessary layer
fall away without replacing itwith another costume.
There's no finish line.
There's only deeper truth, onlymore space Only less noise.
(11:51):
Section 6.
How to let the mask die withoutneeding a new one.
First rule stop labelingyourself.
Every label you pick up isanother role you'll feel the
need to defend.
The more labels you wear, theharder it is to hear your own
(12:11):
voice through the costume.
Second stop performingvulnerability like it's a brand.
Vulnerability is not yourmarketing strategy.
It is not a currency to buyintimacy.
It is not a trick to proveyou're authentic.
It's the willingness to beunguarded without needing to
(12:32):
announce it, to be unguardedwithout needing to announce it.
Third notice when you'reexplaining your truth instead of
living it.
If you constantly feel the needto justify yourself, you're
still playing to an audience.
You're still looking forpermission to be what you
already are.
Fourth Practice silence.
(12:54):
Not as an absence of sound, butas the presence of yourself,
without the script, no backstory, no self-selling, no
positioning your worth in a waythat others will get.
Silence has a way of fleshingout the parts of you that only
(13:14):
exist for show.
It reveals what's solid andwhat was just scaffolding for
the performance.
It can feel like losingyourself at first, but it's not.
It's meeting yourself withoutthe translation.
Section 7.
Stop looking and startlistening.
(13:37):
You will not find yourself in abook, you will not find
yourself in your journal.
You will not find yourself in aweekend retreat, a vision quest
or a breathwork session thatpromises to unlock you.
And, yes, you will not evenfind yourself in psychedelics.
(13:58):
They can absolutely blow thedoors open.
Psychedelics can certainly dropyou into states of clarity and
connection you didn't think werepossible.
Psychedelics can even show youwhat's under the armor.
But they are not a finish line.
They are a glimpse, a doorframeyou still have to walk through
(14:21):
over and over when the visionsfade and your old habits try to
drag you back.
If you don't do the integration, the unglamorous daily work of
letting go of old defenses,catching your reflexive masks in
the moment and choosingpresence instead of performance,
you'll just end up chasing thenext ceremony like it's
(14:43):
salvation.
Look, if the psychedelic tripdid the work for you, everyone
would be healed by now.
You will only meet yourself inthe space between the defenses,
in the moments when you are notnarrating, not explaining, not
protecting.
You will meet yourself in thepart of you that doesn't flinch,
(15:06):
when no one is validating you,in the pause between words, when
you stop auditioning forbelonging.
It will not feel like fireworks.
It will not feel like arevelation.
It will feel like a quietexhale you didn't know you were
holding and in that space youwill realize you are not your
(15:31):
past, you are not your potential.
You are not the versions of youthat other people carry in their
heads.
You are here and here is enoughin their heads.
You are here and here is enough.
So stop hunting for the trueyou.
(15:53):
Stop trying to peel back layerslike you're looking for buried
treasure.
Stop asking the world toconfirm that you've arrived.
Start listening, start noticingwhat's already present when you
stop performing, start trustingthe stillness that doesn't need
(16:14):
an audience.
The goal is not to discoveryourself.
The goal is to stop defendingthe self that never needed
defending in the first place,and once you, to stop defending
the self that never neededdefending in the first place.
And once you do stop defendingthe self that never needed
defending in the first place,you'll find there's nothing left
to prove Just presence, justbreath, just life.
(16:39):
And if that still feels toosmall, no-transcript.
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