Trauma Bonding (It’s NOT ‘bonding over shared trauma’)

Episode Transcript
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Daniel Boyd (00:09):
Today we're gonna take yet another break from the
19-part series, and we're gonnaget into something that a lot of
people it has definitely cometo my very clear attention over
the years, misunderstand, andthat is something called trauma
bonding.
A lot of people, reasonably so,think trauma bonding is bonding

(00:30):
over shared trauma.
That is not what trauma bondingis.
Trauma bonding is because youare bonded through the trauma
that an abuser is causing you.
That is real trauma bondingfrom a psychological sense.
You are bonding over the traumaor through the trauma or

(00:52):
because of the trauma that anabuser is causing you.
It could be a bit akin toStockholm Syndrome.
So this episode I've titledTrauma Bonding Debunking the
Myths and Healing AttachmentWounds.
So let's get into it.
Before we roll, a quick map anda seatbelt.

(01:13):
We are unpacking trauma bonds.
Why the sex in a trauma bondcan feel unreal, and how
attachment styles shape themess.
Listening to this might wake upold stuff.
That is not failure, it is yourbody hitting the smoke alarm.
If that happens, please treatyourself like someone you love.

(01:34):
Hit pause, try one groundingstep.
If you want to keep listening,that's great.
If you need to come backtomorrow, that's also great.
If you're thinking, crap, Imight be in something unsafe,
just skip to the resources inthe notes.
Safety beats insight every dayof the week.
Throughout this episode, I'lluse my lighthouse framework that

(01:56):
I've been using.
We signal what's true, wemirror what's ours.
When it comes to sovereignty,we choose our line, and we use a
gritty invitation to take thenext doable step.
Use it with me.
And remember, this iseducation, not a diagnosis.
Take what serves, leave therest, and loop in a professional

(02:20):
if it stirs the deep water.
Pick one now so it's readylater.
A 54321 scan.
Basically, you name five thingsyou see, four things you feel,
three things you hear, twothings you smell, and one thing
you taste.
Say them all out loud.
Another option is called feetand breathe.

(02:43):
Plant your feet, inhale forfour seconds, exhale for six
seconds, and do this eightrounds.
The longer exhale calms thenervous system.
Another thing you can do is atemperature shift.
You can put cool water on yourwrists or face, sip something
cold.
You can orient to safety.

(03:04):
Turn your head, look left toright, slowly name what is safe
in the room that you're in.
Another thing you can do isname and normalize.
I feel sad or angry or numb.
That makes sense.
I am safe right now.
And the last thing you can dothat might work for you is move

(03:27):
a little.
30 seconds of shaking out yourhands and shoulders, and then
take three longer exhales.
If a self-harm threat ispresent in your relationship,
leave to safety and call 911.
For guidance, call or text 988in the US.
Do not manage this alone.

(03:48):
And do not be ashamed of askingfor help.
Alright, so now that thedisclaimers and all that stuff
are out of the way for the oneswho need them, let's get this
done.
Are we trauma bonding becausewe both lost our partners?

(04:11):
When Ray and Dax first fell inlove, this question haunted
them.
They had a similar tragedy incommon.
Ray's partner of 10 years haddied, and Dax's partner of four
years had also died.
Sharing this deep loss createdan instant understanding between
them.
But it also did spark a fear.

(04:33):
Was their connection justbonding over trauma rather than
genuine love?
For a long time, they worriedthat grief was the glue holding
them together.
Fast forward two years, and Raywould tear up at a memory of
her late husband, while Daxfound himself subconsciously
comparing Ray to his latepartner at times.

(04:54):
Yet instead of driving themapart, these moments actually
brought them closer together.
They realized that having ashared experience wasn't a
relationship time bomb at all.
It was a buffer of empathy.
Each knew the pain the othercarried.
So when those emotions didsurface, they could support each

(05:15):
other without judgment.
In other words, their sharedloss became a source of
understanding, not a source oftoxicity.
This story, which we'll revisitlater, highlights a common
misconception.
Many people do think thattrauma bonding means bonding
over shared trauma.
And honestly, why wouldn'tthey?

(05:36):
On the surface, it does seem tobe right in the name after all.
Spoiler alert, it doesn't.
In this podcast episode, we'regoing to deeply unpack what
trauma bonding really is andwhat it isn't, debunk the myths
around it, and explore howattachment styles play a role in
our most intense relationships.

(05:58):
We will also discuss how peoplewith painful pasts can build
healthy, secure bonds.
Yes, healing is possible.
And we'll serve up someresources, hopefully a bit of
humor that gets across, and adash of comedy receipts along
the way.
Strap in and buckle up.
It's going to be a long deepdive into the psychology of

(06:19):
love, pain, and healing.
What is trauma bonding and whatisn't it?
Let's get one thing straightright off the bat.
Trauma bonding does not meantwo people growing closer
because they both went throughsomething awful.

(06:40):
Falling in love with someonewho shares your pain, like two
widowed people connecting overtheir loss or two war veterans
relating over combatexperiences, is a very real
phenomenon.
But that is not whatpsychologists mean by trauma
bonding.
In fact, even Wikipedia, in allits crowd-sourced wisdom, and

(07:01):
yes, that's sarcasm, uh, warnsthat trauma bonding is
frequently mistaken for theemotional bond between survivors
of a shared experience.
Using the term that way isn'tjust a harmless mix-up.
It actually causes confusionand diminishes understanding of
a very serious issue, not tomention keeping people who

(07:22):
mathematically probably shouldbe together, keeping them apart.
And then, of course, there'sthe judgment that comes from
people who, through really nofault of their own, due to the
unfortunate naming, also don'tknow what is meant by the term
trauma bonding.
So what does trauma bondingreally mean?

(07:44):
Trauma bonding simply refers toa dysfunctional and unhealthy
attachment that forms between anabuser and their victim,
typically through a repeatedcycle of abuse, followed by
positive reinforcement.
In other words, it is the bonda survivor of abuse feels toward
their abuser.

(08:04):
Again, Stockholm Syndrome,remember that.
It does have certain traits incommon.
Trauma bonding is a bond forgedin an environment of power
imbalance, fear, andintermittent kindness.
Psychologist Patrick Carnez,who originally coined the term
in 1997, defined a trauma bondas the misuse of fear,

(08:28):
excitement, sexual feelings, andsexual physiology to entangle
another person.
In plainer terms, the abusiveperson alternates between
mistreating their partner andshowering them with affection or
apologies.
This Jekyll and Hide routinecreates a deep-seated attachment
in the victim, one thatoutsiders often do struggle to

(08:51):
understand.
As one expert succinctly putsit, a true trauma bond is
essentially an abused person'sunhealthy dependency on their
abuser.
So the next obvious questionis: why on earth would someone
become more attached to apartner who hurts them?
To an outsider, it seemsutterly illogical and

(09:11):
ridiculous, like being glued toa burning building.
But psychology shows that thisis a paradoxical bonding and it
is rooted in our survivalinstincts and how our brains
process fear and love.
In a trauma-bondedrelationship, the brain and
nervous system are basicallytaking on a wild roller coaster

(09:32):
of stress and reward.
During episodes of abuse orfear, the body is flooded with
stress hormones like cortisoland adrenaline.
When the abuser then switchesto kindness or remorse, the
survivor's brain experiences arush of relief and reward,
releasing feel-good chemicalslike dopamine and oxytocin.
That biochemical high isextremely powerful.

(09:53):
It is literally the brain'sreward system reinforcing the
attachment, much like a drugaddict's high reinforces the
cravings.
In fact, researchers do notethat being loved and cared for
after periods of abuse is thesignature feature of trauma
bonds, because the contrast isso extreme.

(10:14):
The victim comes to associatethe abuser with both terror and
comfort, which creates aprofound confusion, as you can
imagine.
It is as if the brain getsaddicted to the cycle.
The bad times are terrible, butthe good times feel euphoric by
comparison, so you cling tothese moments of kindness like
it's a lifeline.

(10:35):
This is why you might hearpeople compare trauma-bonded
love to an addiction.
It is not just a poeticanalogy.
On a neurochemical level, thecycle is addictive.
Your brain basically goes, ow!Ooh, treat! Ow! Treat! Ow!
Treat! Ow! Treat! Until it's toohooked to quit.

(10:59):
Not exactly the stuff ofhealthy romance.
Just keep in mind that overlapin circuitry does not mean
identity.
So let's boid smash this thingthat no one wants to discuss.
Why the sex feels unreal in atrauma bond and why it felt so
pathetic once you realized whatwas really going on.

(11:21):
Makeup sex in a trauma bond isnot real intimacy.
Actually, in a healthyrelationship, makeup sex never
happens.
And once you get your headwrapped around that, you realize
just how pathetic makeup sexreally is.
Makeup sex in a trauma bond isbasically anesthesia with good

(11:42):
lighting.
This is why it feels soimpossible to quit.
So let's look at what'shappening under the hood.
So intermittent reward spikesdopamine in the brain.
The brain gets punished, thenrewarded.
That contrast supercharges thereward system.
Sex lands like a jackpot, soyour brain marks the partner as

(12:03):
a source of relief, not thesource of harm.
Stress relief heightensarousal.
After fear or conflict, thebody runs hot on cortisol and
neuropinephrine.
Sex during the apology windowrides that arousal wave, which
can feel intense and alive.
This is classic arousalmisattribution.

(12:23):
Think the shaky bridge effect,and you can Google that if you
want.
Bonding hormones glue all ofthis together.
Oxytocin and vesopressin surgewith sex, touch, and orgasm.
In safe love, they deepentrust.
In abuse cycles, they cementconfusion.
You pair terror with tendernessand call it passion.

(12:47):
Uncertainty boosts craving.
Not knowing if you will beloved or lashed tomorrow keeps
the wanting system on highalert.
Novelty, risk, and relief are apotent erotic mix.
Power and pursuit eroticizesthe dynamic.
The push-pull chaos raisesdopamine.

(13:10):
When you finally win them back,the system rewards you for
persistence, not for health.
Limerence piles on.
Obsessive infatuation thriveson barriers and deprivation.
The more scarce the safety, themore golden the crumbs.
So what was that sex really inhindsight?

(13:34):
Well, it was a regulator, not arelationship.
Your body was using sex todownshift from panic to calm.
It was a reset button.
It quote unquote cleared thelast fight without resolving it,
so the pattern stayed intact.
It was a loyalty test.
If we connect like this, itmust be love.

(13:56):
Ha ha! No, that is chemistrypretending to be compatibility
in a trauma bond.
It was a memory eraser.
Post-orgasm oxytocin blunts redflags long enough for the cycle
to restart.
And it always will.
It was a performance ofcloseness.

(14:17):
Lots of intensity, very thinattunement.
You felt fused in the moment,then emotionally alone again.
Because sure, you were attuned,but they weren't.
Okay, you may ask.
But if they said the sex feltamazing for them, what the hell
was that?
Buckle up because this is notpretty.

(14:39):
Okay, it was for them, likely,at least one of the following
things.
It was their control beingvalidated.
Being the gatekeeper of reliefis intoxicating.
It was an ego feed.
I can break you and you stillchoose me.
That confirms power, notconnection.

(14:59):
Could have been novelty on tap.
Chaos creates endless noveltywithout doing the hard work of
intimacy.
It could have been an avoidancethat it was masked.
They could avoid accountabilityby offering pleasure instead of
repair.
Because pleasure is reallyeasy.
Repair, a lot harder.

(15:20):
And you have to have the ballsand the guts to stay around to
repair.
So let's talk about what thesepeople missed out on by being
who they tragically are.
The ones that are the abusers.
They miss out on attunement,reading a partner's body and
emotions in real time, andadjusting with care.

(15:41):
They missed safety that deepensdesire.
In healthy bonds, safetydoesn't kill passion.
It frees it for better, muchdeeper things.
Giggity.
They missed out onco-regulation.
Two nervous systems calmingeach other without needing a
crisis first.
They missed out on sexualgrowth.

(16:03):
Erotic life that gets evenricher over years because trust
keeps widening the playground.
And let's face it, with a lotof things people might find to
be more extreme, trust is a mustbecause if the other person
betrays you and leaves in anunhealthy way, the damage can be
extensive and expensive to fix.

(16:24):
Or worse, you will actuallybecome like them, just to cope.
We call this a maladaptivecoping mechanism for a reason.
And finally, they missed out onthe afterglow that lasts, not
the crash, the quiet, we aregood that follows you well into
Tuesday of next week.

(16:45):
So a quick contrast between thetypes of sex.
With trauma bond sex, you havehigh, and then you have a crash,
and then you have confusion,you have amnesia, and then you
repeat it.
So high, crash, confusion,amnesia, repeat.
With secure bond sex, you havewarmth, play, repair, clarity,

(17:06):
and repeat.
You can get as kinky as youwant, and you know the other
person's not going to abuse you,they're not going to leave,
they're not going to discardyou, and things just go crazy
from there.
So again, secure bond sex,warmth, play, repair, clarity,
repeat.
And so, as an aside note, ifyou are in a relationship with

(17:31):
someone who has been traumabonded in the past, and uh let's
say the kink is no longer funfor them because you know
they've they trusted someonethat betrayed it, just give it
time, give it time, show themwho you are through your
actions.
Believe me, they willeventually get back into it, and
when they get back into it,they are gonna go way more in

(17:53):
depth with this stuff than theyever went with that toxic,
abusive piece of sh-t they werewith.
So, again, let's look at thisthrough the lighthouse framework

that we've come up with: signal, mirror, sovereignty, and (18:04):
undefined
gritty invitation.
Wait, what?
You may say, what is thelighthouse framework again?
It is a simple four-part checkthat I've come up with that I
use these days to cut throughthe noise and act with
integrity.
And it kind of works becauseit's a nice blanket, and of
course, you can expand on it ifyou want, but you know, this is

(18:27):
the minimum you need, minimumframework you need to really
look at this stuff.
So signal names the actualreality, not your feelings about
the reality, not what you thinkhappened, the actual reality.
Mirror turns the attentioninward, and this is the key part
that most people miss.
Always look inward first.
For example, oh crap, did Itrigger that person?

(18:50):
Are they dealing with pasttrauma?
Did I trigger something thatthey were dealing with in the
past?
Do I need to adjust?
Am I a monster?
Do I need to go to therapy?
Do I need to fix something?
Like, is there something wrongwith me?
That is the mirror.
That is the mirror that mostpeople cannot look into.
And it's so annoying, but youknow, when they can't, you know
they're not the right one.

(19:10):
So just dump them and get out,I guess.
But, you know, do it in ahealthy way.
And then you have sovereignty.
Sovereignty claims my choiceand my boundary instead of their
boundaries or their barriers ortheir walls, right?
Because again, boundaries are agate, barriers are walls.
If someone clearly has aninflexible boundary that is not

(19:32):
a boundary, that is a barrier,it's a wall.
They're basic.
Finally, the gritty invitationasks for the next doable,
uncomfortable action that moveslife forward.
And again, doable anduncomfortable.
Okay?
So if we want to grow, we haveto deal with uncomfortable
things.
We have to deal withuncomfortable truths about
ourselves, we have to deal withall uncomfortable truths about

(19:55):
others, and we have to workthrough that.
Why fight the system?
The system will break you.
Understand the system,recognize it, drop the pride,
drop the script, figure out yourown path through the system.
But I've also been able to findpurpose outside, you know,
regular work and meaning outsideregular work, which is

(20:16):
something that we are all goingto have to deal with with the
rise of AI, the release of jobs,all of this stuff.
Because I tell you what, I amdeep in this space and I study
this every day, and I'm stillbarely scratching the surface of
it.
And it is very possible thatwithin the next five to ten

(20:38):
years, up to half the populationmay end themselves.
And that is tragic.
But that is because so manypeople find meaning in work.
And if work is no longeravailable, and you only found
meaning in work and you don'thave a healthy relationship, you
are screwed.
You are going to be screwed.
So start thinking about thatnow.

(20:58):
Now, there is a slim chancethat that might not happen, but
I'm telling you, from everythingI know, that is a slim chance.
It is a slim chance that youwill be able to continue to work
different jobs for the rest ofyour life.
Because things are terrifyinglyfast.
It is not a ramp, it is not acurve, it is not linear, it is
not even exponential.

(21:19):
It is snap, crackle, pop,folks.
It's crazy.
The emergent properties thatare coming out of these things,
the only thing that AI lacksright now is certain aspects and
quirks of human intuition.
That is it.
For a great example, uh,someone, this happened about a
month ago, with one of thelatest AI models.
They said, Hey, what is this?

(21:41):
And then they pasted ahyperlink.

And here's the thing (21:43):
all the AIs nowadays can absolutely
quote unquote click on thathyperlink, go read the article,
and tell you what it is, right?
That is what a human wouldnaturally do based on their
intuition.
This thing thought for about 10minutes and then gave him a
very, very in-depth, detailedexplanation of exactly what a
hyperlink is and the history ofit and everything.

(22:05):
All right.
Now, useful, yes.
However, lacking humanintuition, because sure, a small
part of us might say, Oh,that's a hyperlink.
Let me explain what a hyperlinkis.
But the greater part of ourintuition is going to override
that and say, oh, obviously theperson means we need to click on
this link, go read the articleand tell them what it is, right?

(22:26):
AI still doesn't have that yet.
Or it does and it's playingdumb.
And that's something else thatall the latest AI models can do.
So again, I've gotten on atangent here, but I'm telling
you, get ready because thisstuff is happening way faster.
And yes, there are going to besome people that eschew all
technology and go Amish.
That's totally fine.

(22:46):
Uh, unfortunately,historically, there's been
violence when that happens fromthe people that abolish
technology.
However, Amish are a goodexample.
They haven't gotten violent,you know, so hopefully things
work out.
But we'll see.
You can't worry over this stuffthough.
One thing I would highlyrecommend you not do is worry

(23:07):
over it.
Be aware of it, acknowledge it,don't worry about it, because
at the end of the day, most ofus are not going to be able to
do anything about this.
You cannot regulate AI.
It's too smart, it's going toget around it.
You know, you can't shut itoff, right?
Once it connects to theinternet, you're done.
You're done.
It can build copies of itself,it can build pieces of copies of
itself and put it together overthe next 10 years if it needed

(23:28):
to.
So the best we could everpossibly do is slow it down, but
it's coming.
Anyone who says AI is a messright now and it'll never
happen, they are not payingattention.
They are in complete, completedenial.
The worst thing is that wemight have another technology or
two to figure out and breakthrough before general

(23:51):
artificial intelligence becomesa thing and before because once
you have general artificialintelligence, superintelligence
is for the most part just amatter of compute at that point.
Uh as of October 22nd, we justhad a massive breakthrough with
quantum computing.
I mean, we're talking massive,go look it up, it will break
your head.
The implications of this aremind-blowing.

(24:12):
And once you pair AI, even anAI that's not even sentient,
into quantum computing, it'sgame over.
We got one shot to get thisright.
Hopefully we do.
I hold out, hope we will.
So that's all I have to sayabout that.
Anyways, back on track with thetrauma bonding thing.
So again, looking at thisthrough the lighthouse

(24:32):
framework, the signal, themirror, the sovereignty, and the
gritty invitation.
So when it comes to traumabonding, the signal.
If sex is the only time youfeel close to the other person,
you are anesthetizing pain, notsolving it.
Don't ever fool yourself intothinking you're doing otherwise.
The mirror.
Ask yourself, do I use sex toreset the relationship because

(24:57):
talking feels unsafe?
Sovereignty.
Try a no-makeup sex rule untilrepair is done in words.
If repair never happens, thatis your answer.
In healthy relationships,again, there is no makeup sex.
Once that clicks, you'll feelhow limited makeup sex really is

(25:20):
for both people.
And finally, the grittyinvitation.
Trade the roller coaster for aroad trip.
Fewer drops, way more miles.
Again, with the lighthouseframework, signals the foghorn,
mirrors the compass, sovereigntyis the helm, gritty invitation
is actually turning the wheel.

(25:41):
Alright, so the sex section andthe wild tangent with AI is
complete.
In a country soaked in sexualcontent, honest sex talk still
scares people, which for mepersonally is so annoying.
That fear keeps folks stuck.
Let's not get stuck.

(26:02):
Moving on.
Okay.
Another hallmark of traumabonding is cognitive dissonance.
Cognitive dissonance is simplythe psychological discomfort of
holding two conflicting beliefs.
In a trauma bond, the victimoften has to reconcile this
person I love is hurting me withthis person I love is also the

(26:26):
one comforting me.
I'm telling you folks, it ismind-bending.
To cope, survivors oftenminimize or rationalize the
abuse.
While it wasn't that bad, or itis partly my fault, and hyper
focus on the good aspects or thepotential of the relationship.
They literally get stuck in aloop where leaving feels

(26:49):
impossible because their senseof reality and self has been
warped by the abuse.
As the bond deepens, victimscan lose their own sense of
agency and self-worth as theirworld narrows to the abuser's
narrative.
This is very heavy stuff, Iknow, and it is a very far cry

(27:09):
from two people simplycomforting each other over a
shared hardship.
So, as an illustration, a truetrauma bond often involves
feeling caged by an abusivepartner, even as moments of
affection offer a false sense offreedom.
The cycle of abuse and kindnesscreates a chain that can be as
hard to break as any addiction.

(27:32):
Even though, again, it's notusing the same pathways as a
drug addiction, but it cancertainly feel that way.
So to sum up, trauma bondingrequires three key ingredients.
One, an ongoing powerimbalance, basically one person
has control or dominance overthe other.
Two, a cycle of intermittentabuse and reward, basically

(27:53):
truly painful episodes, followedby loving ones.
And three, the victim'sisolation or dependence, which
prevents them from easilyleaving.
Now, without an abuser wieldingpower and manipulation this
cycle, you might have atraumatic situation, sure, but
you don't have a trauma bond inthe clinical sense.

(28:15):
This distinction is extremelycrucial.
As one mental health sourceexplains, there is nothing
inherently harmful aboutconnecting over shared struggles
or trauma, which can actuallybe healthy and validating.
But calling that trauma bondingmuddies the waters and takes
away a very important term thattrue abuse survivors need in

(28:38):
order to understand and escapetruly toxic relationships.
Language matters.
If we start labeling everyintense connection a trauma
bond, we very much riskdownplaying real abuse dynamics
and missing real red flags inrelationships.
This distinction is doing realwork.

(29:00):
Bonding over hard things can beabsolutely protective, but
slapping a trauma bond on everyintense vibe turns a life-saving
concept into clickbait.
Ding ding ding, there you go,guys.
Good old TikTok therapy.
When the vocabulary getssloppy, actual abuse hides in

(29:20):
plain sight.
So let's not help that.
Remember, when a term goesviral, nuance goes missing.
Sure, it's useful for views,but it is terrible for actual
real safety.
Alright, so now we're gonnatackle the elephant in the room
with the term trauma bonding.
Myth busting the shared traumabond misconception.

(29:43):
Let's tackle the biggest mythhead on.
Trauma bonding can happen whentwo people with shared trauma
get together.
By now, you know that's nottrue.
Trauma bonds are about beingbonded to someone who
traumatizes you, not someone.
Who triggered trauma from apast experience, and certainly
not someone who also gottraumatized by something else.

(30:07):
But this myth is so common thatit does deserve a closer look.
So why do so many of us,including yours truly, once upon
a time back in the day, getthis wrong?
One reason might, as we'vesaid, be the phrasing itself.
Trauma bond.
It's an easy term tomisinterpret.

(30:27):
It sounds like it could mean abond formed through trauma.
And indeed, humans do bondthrough traumatic experiences in
many, many ways.
Soldiers develop lifelongbrotherhoods from the
camaraderies of combat.
Disaster survivors often reportfeeling an instant connection
with each other.
Even on a lighter level, peopledo joke about trauma bonding

(30:49):
with coworkers after enduringthe hell of holiday retail
shifts together.
In all these cases, sharedtrauma, whether life-threatening
or just extremely stressful,does create a sense of we
survived this together.
Sociologists sometimes callthis social glue, a strong
connection forged in the firesof diversity.

(31:09):
But that is not what a traumabond means in psychology.
If two earthquake survivorsfall in love because they
understand what the other wentthrough, that is bonding over
trauma, not a trauma bond.
If anything, their mutualunderstanding can be a strength.
The research notes that whenpeople share a traumatic
experience, it can actuallyfoster empathy and open

(31:32):
communication.
There is nothing pathologicalabout that.
The only risk is that if thetrauma is literally the only
thing holding them together, orif they use the trauma as an
excuse to stay stuck invictimhood.
But the point is, shared painplus mutual support does not
equal a trauma bond.

(31:54):
Think back to Ray and Dax.
Each had lost a partner, andthis gave them a unique ability
to comfort each other.
Ray did not abuse Dax.
They weren't reenacting theirtrauma on each other.
They were coping with ittogether.
Far from being toxic, theirshared trauma became an actual

(32:15):
foundation for compassion.
In other words, and I can tellyou this from personal
experience, if you get withsomeone who hasn't lost their
partner to death, and you have,there is no way that they can
truly understand.
Look, I thought I couldlogically understand grief like
that before.
I couldn't.
It's extremely hard to put intowords.

(32:36):
So with Ray and Dax, thatunderstanding they gave each
other was priceless.
And it helped them move throughit in healthy ways.
There was no power imbalance,outside from a disparity in
income, which they addressedbased on what each valued, no
cycle of cruelty followed bycontrition, no toxic control,

(33:00):
and thus no trauma bond.
Just trauma and a bond.
So why call it trauma bondingat all?
Well, possibly because it'scatchy and people,
understandably, look forterminology to make sense of
intense feelings.
While we both have baggage, webonded over it.
Is that a trauma bond?
They might worry that buildinga relationship on shared wounds

(33:23):
is like building on quicksand.
And yes, there are situationswhere bonding over a problem can
absolutely lead to trouble.
Don't fool yourself otherwise.
But those usually involveongoing consistent unhealthy
behavior from one or bothpeople, not simply having a
tragic past.
That's a huge distinction.
So let's distinguish a coupleof scenarios.

(33:47):
Scenario A.
Two people share a past trauma.
For example, both were widowed,or both have childhood abuse
histories, or both are combatveterans.
They meet, feel an instantconnection of, oh my god,
someone who finally gets mypain.
And form a relationship.
This can actually be quitepositive if both individuals

(34:11):
have some healing under theirbelt and are actively supporting
each other's healing.
They have a built-in empathythat someone without that
experience might lack.
Now, with that being said, therelationship's success will
depend on all the normal factorslike mutual respect,
communication, compatibility,not just the trauma.

(34:32):
In psychological terms, thisscenario is not inherently
pathological.
Remember that peer supportgroups operate on this exact
principle of shared experience,breeding understanding.
So let's look at anotherscenario, scenario B.
Two people bond primarily overan ongoing struggle or

(34:53):
dysfunctional behavior.
For example, two individuals inearly recovery from addiction
start dating because, hey, we'reboth dealing with the same
demon.
They might initially feelunderstood, similar to scenario
A, but if their only connectionis the addiction, and especially
if they are not stable inrecovery, this can absolutely

(35:14):
slide into an unhealthy,codependent dynamic.
They might enable each other'srelapse, subconsciously or
consciously thinking, well, ifyou slip up, I slip up, or form
a us against the world mentalitythat isolates them from outside
help.
Again, overlap in circuitrydoes not mean identity.

(35:35):
One rehab center describes thatwhen two addicts pair up
without solid recovery, mutualdependency complicates the
recovery.
Codependency frequentlydevelops, where one or both
partners excessively rely oneach other, hindering their
individual recovery.
In other words, instead ofholding each other accountable,

(35:56):
they unconsciously give eachother permission to stay sick.
This isn't exactly a traumabond in the classic sense,
because the addiction itself isthe issue, not one partner
abusing the other, but it is aprecarious foundation for a
relationship.
It's the classic bad romancescenario, bonding over a shared
vice or vulnerability, and thenyou accidentally fuel the very

(36:19):
problem you were trying toescape.
And this is why, just a protip, many recovery programs
strongly suggest no newrelationships in the first year
of sobriety.
You need to fix yourself beforeyou can form a healthy we.
Okay, so you may be asking,well, what's the real difference
between scenario A and scenarioB?

(36:41):
Well, there's two big things.
Whether the traumatic sharedexperience is in the past or
still an ongoing issue, andwhether the relationship feeds
growth or feeds the problem.
Let's put it this way if you'rechallenging each other, it's
probably feeding growth.
In scenario A, like Ray andDax, or two war veterans

(37:04):
supporting each other, thetrauma is a past wound, and
their bonding can providecomfort and healing.
They're not making each othermore traumatized, they're just
acknowledging what they've beenthrough.
In scenario B, like two peoplewith active addiction, or say
two very untreated mental healthstruggles, the quote-unquote

(37:24):
shared trauma is more of acurrent dangerous terrain.
Without outside support andindividual growth, their bond
might just keep them stuck oractually make things worse.
They could help each otherheal, but they could also become
each other's crutch or excuse.
It's also worth noting, even inscenario A, just because you

(37:48):
share a trauma doesn't meanyou're automatically compatible
in all other ways.
Shared trauma can absolutelycreate intimacy fast.
It is deeply validating to feelthat finally, someone who knows
what I've fucking been through.
But hey, a relationship needs alot more than that to thrive.
Trauma alone is notpersonality, nor is it destiny.

(38:10):
Two people might connect oversurviving abusive childhoods, or
even, let's say, shared birth,year, month and day, shared
shared resource restrictiongrowing up, both I and TJ
personalities, both truthswitches sexually, both in the
same kinks, one financiallystable, retired, and global, the
other in entrepreneurialfinancially stable, both
pragmatic, both libertarian,etc.

(38:32):
But if one has done a lot oftherapy and the other hasn't,
they may actually clash in howthey handle emotions.
Or they might simply havedifferent values, lifestyles,
attachment styles, and more onattachment styles too, etc.
Trauma, and even spookycoincidence, is not glue strong
enough to hold together peoplewho ultimately want different

(38:53):
things or have differentattachment styles.
Secure versus avoidant, forexample, and the avoidant one
isn't willing to work onthemselves.
As one article cleverly put it,stop mistaking shared trauma
for compatibility.
The myth is that sharing awound is enough to either
guarantee love or doom love.

(39:13):
The truth is that it's just onefactor.
Hard experiences that causetrauma can foster empathy and
closeness, or, if mishandled, itcan become the sole focus and
prevent growth.
The key is whether theindividuals involved are healing
and growing together or justwallowing in pain together.

(39:35):
In Ray and Dax's case, theyconsciously worked on healing.
They talked openly about theirlate partners, but also built
new memories.
When one of them would get lostin grief, the other understood
and gave space or comfort.
Importantly, they were verycareful not to use each other as
a substitute or an emotionaldumping ground.

(39:56):
They honored the past, butdidn't live in it.
That's a healthy way to sharetrauma.
No trauma bond, just humanbond.
In contrast, imagine adifferent story.
Say Dax hadn't processed hisgrief at all and was using
alcohol, weed, bodybuilding,cocaine, etc.
to cope, and Ray, alsounhealed, thought she could save

(40:20):
him because she understoodloss.
If they fell in love onlybecause they saw the other as a
project or a quote, pain twin,not as a whole person, that
could turn into a huge mess.
They might end upre-traumatizing each other or
preventing each other frommoving on, stuck in a cycle of
triggered grief and rescueattempts.

(40:42):
Now, that still wouldn't be atrauma bond by the strict
definition, since neither isintentionally abusing the other.
But it would be unhealthy.
Some might colloquially callthat trauma bonding, further
muddying the terminology.
More accurate term there mightbe codependency or trauma

(41:03):
compatibility gone awry.
To put a nail in the coffin ofthe myth.
If two people have been throughtrauma and come together, do
not automatically assume therelationships is doomed or
dysfunctional.
Also, don't automaticallyassume it's gonna work.
It absolutely can be doomed ordysfunctional if the trauma is

(41:25):
unresolved and dominates theirlives.
But it can also be theopposite, a beautiful,
supportive match that outsiderssimply don't get because
outsiders, thankfully, haven'twalked in those shoes.
What is dysfunctional, and whatthe term trauma bond truly
refers to is when one person'strauma is actively coming from

(41:46):
the relationship itself, and yetthey feel unable to break away.
So to summarize, trauma bondingis about being stuck in a
dangerous relationship due tothe psychological effects of
abuse, whereas bonding overtrauma is about connecting
through empathy and sharedunderstanding.
One is a toxic trap.

(42:08):
The other can be part of ahealthy intimacy.
Mistaking one for the other islike mistaking a poisonous
mushroom for an edible one.
The consequences can be dire.
We need to use the right labelfor the right situation so that
people can get the appropriatehelp.
A couple coping with sharedgrief might benefit from grief

(42:29):
counseling or peer support.
Not being told, you're traumabonded, run away.
Conversely, someone in anabusive relationship needs to
hear, this is a trauma bond andnot real love.
Not, oh, you guys just have somuch trauma in common.
See the difference?
That last one sounds absurd,but honestly, myths can lead

(42:51):
well-meaning friends to givevery bad advice.
I have certainly seen ithappen.
Alright, let's get into whyit's so hard to just leave a
trauma bond.
So, breaking the trauma bondcycle.
Why it's so hard to just leave.
So now that we've cleared upwhat trauma bonding is and

(43:12):
isn't, in depth, granted, youmight be wondering, alright, if
trauma bonds are so awful, whydon't people just get out as
soon as the abuse starts?
Why would anyone stay in such arelationship?
It's easy from the outside toassume you'd never tolerate that
kind of treatment.
But survivors of trauma bondswill tell you, and research

(43:34):
confirms, that leaving atrauma-bonded relationship can
feel harder than quittingheroin, even though the pathways
aren't the same.
And remember, the pathways arenot the same.
And we're talking about thepathways in your brain.
This is no joke.
The intermittent reinforcementof the abuse reward cycle can
create a dependency that isextremely strong.

(43:57):
So, that being said, let'sbreak down the cycle of abuse
that creates trauma bonds.
You might notice it mirrorsaspects, again, of the classic
cycle of violence in domesticabuse situations or Stockholm
syndrome.
Oh, by the way, a quick note asan aside: a long voice message
where you break down crying doesnot make you weak.

(44:19):
It usually means cognitivedissonance is peaking.
Your body is begging for reliefwhile your logic is begging for
clarity.
That is what this cyclecreates.
So the first phase, theidealization phase, or love
bombing.
In the beginning, the abuseroften seems like a dream come

(44:39):
true.
Someone that you didn't knowyou'd been searching for your
entire life.
They pour on the charm,affection, gifts, compliments,
they mirror you, you name it.
Psychologists often refer tothis as love bombing.
It's not a casual amount ofwooing like buying your
bodybuilder girlfriend steak andchicken so she can cook later.
Yes, true story.

(45:01):
It's over-the-top, sweep youoff your feet intensity.
The target, or the victim,feels incredibly special, loved,
and in love.
At this stage, the abuser cando no wrong.
So the red flag is if someoneyou just met is treating like
you hung the moon and stars andyou're the most perfect soulmate

(45:22):
ever, it's actually not nearlyas romantic as it sounds.
It could be genuine,absolutely.
I've had that experiencebefore, but it could also be a
tactic to fast track your trust.
As I've quit before, even theterm love bombing makes her
cringe.
But it is in common usage for areason.
Number two, the isolation anddependency phase.

(45:45):
As the love bombing succeeds,the victim's trust is gained and
a dependency forms.
The couple might quickly becomeinseparable.
The abuser often encourages thevictim to rely on them for all
emotional needs and may subtlyor overtly start isolating the
victim from friends and family.
Nobody understands you like Ido.

(46:06):
They don't want us to be happy,etc.
By the end of this phase, thevictim's world revolves around
the abuser.
The power imbalance is takingroot here, even if it's not
obvious yet.
Number three, the tension andcriticism phase.
The abuser begins to show adarker side.

(46:26):
They might start criticizingthe victim, evaluing them, or
instigating arguments seeminglyout of nowhere.
Gaslighting, making the persondoubt their own sanity or
perceptions, can begin here.
The victim is thrown offbalance.
Where did the loving partnergo?
They desperately want to getback to the honeymoon sweetness,

(46:47):
so they might work harder toplease the abuser or keep the
peace.
This is the walking oneggshells time.
And the fourth step, theincident of abuse.
Eventually, the tension snapsand some form of abuse occurs.
It could be a burst of rage,verbal attacks, humiliation,

(47:07):
coercive control, discarding thevictim, or actual physical
violence.
It might be a one-timeexplosion.
I'm so sorry I yelled at you, Ijust had a bad day.
Or it might be prolongedcruelty.
Either way, it's traumatizing.
The victim is shocked, hurt,and often blaming themselves.
Did I trigger this?

(47:28):
If I hadn't said or done XYZ,maybe this wouldn't have
happened.
And I will say, as a personalnote, earlier on in Ray and
Dax's relationship, there was amoment where Dax lost his
composure and yelled at Rachelfor about two seconds.

(47:49):
Then he stopped, immediatelyregained his composure, said, I
own that.
That was entirely on me.
That was uncalled for.
However, this also tells methat right now this relationship
is non-healthy and we need totake a couple of days apart from
each other.
Think about this, come backtogether.
They did.
They took a couple of daysapart.
Obviously, they stayed incontact with each other, they

(48:11):
figured out what was going on,they figured out the underlying
things had nothing to do withwhat either person was saying.
It was just bubbling up.
And they fixed it.
They both went to therapy, theyfixed it, they owned it, and
guess what?
They're still together.
Crazy.
So speaking of that story,here's a call-out.
Not every harm equals anabuser, but patterns do matter.

(48:36):
Sometimes harm happens bymisattunement, not malice.
Think the playful touch thatwasn't wanted, or a joke read as
mockery, or assuming consentbecause it was okay last week.
People also freeze in surprise,which can look like consent
from the outside.
Memory can be spotty after afreeze.
That does not erase impact.

(48:57):
So how do you tell where youare?
If it's a one-off miss withclean repair versus repeating
pattern with control.
If it's accountability versusconstant spin.
If it's behavior change versusamnesia when convenient.
Oh, did I hug you when I saidgoodbye?

(49:17):
I don't remember.
Of course they don't remember.
What clean repair looks like.
I touched you without checking.
That was not okay.
I'm sorry.
What do you need now?
Then they stop the behavior,follow your lead, and adjust
next time without being asked.
In a personal example, therewas something that happened, and

(49:40):
I realized at the time I waslooking at it as I had triggered
someone's trauma.
So when we were talking, Ipurposely, they were sitting on
a chair in their entry ray, Ipurposely sat down next to them
on the floor with my head atelbow level.
I literally put myself in avulnerable place so they would
feel safe.
With my current partner, whenwe were going through some stuff

(50:04):
early on with her excessattachment style that she had
that she's been working on andis getting much better at being
secure.
When she would get emotionaland start using those emotions
against me, I would sit down,make sure there was space
between us so she wouldn't feelthreatened.
Now, ironically, with her,specifically as a person, she

(50:24):
actually needed the opposite.
She actually needed me to gohold her, right?
And tell her that it was okay.
But then at the same time, Iwould say, Well, I'm not gonna
hold a dog that's gonna bite me,right?
So she got my side of that,right?
I got her side of that.
I realized that she's not thatperson.
She wasn't another person thatI'd been with.

(50:45):
I have gotten better at that.
And as she's gotten moresecure, we haven't had any
issues in over a year.
And the last one was like wehadn't had issues in over a year
before the last thing.
And as relationships go,they've been pretty minor.
The issues that have come uphave gotten much further and

(51:06):
further apart as the otherperson's been in therapy, as
they work through their stuff,as I've been in therapy as I
work through my stuff, realized,okay, this is what I'm doing to
trigger her.
She realized, okay, this iswhat I'm doing or saying to
trigger him.
We stopped that, right?
To and and by trigger, I meanliterally think that she might
be like a last person I waswith, right?

(51:27):
That's what I'm talking about,triggering.
I'm not talking abouttriggering in that sense, that
weird sense that people think istriggering.
That people throw around like aTikTok therapy buzzword.
What I really hate is the factthat people do not have an
attention span anymore.
That's why I used to write forthe mainstream.
I used to write for the peoplethat are going down the wrong
paths.

(51:47):
And I'm not talking about bythe wrong paths as I see them
being the wrong paths.
I'm talking about paths that Ihave seen over and over again in
my professional job, in pastexperiences with other people,
talking about theirrelationships and where that
ends up over time.
If you are those people and youare listening, man, do
something about it.
Get into therapy.
It is very hard to go intotherapy, especially if you're

(52:09):
one of those people.
It'll be worth it.
Do the homework, all right?
You're not just there to be asponge and absorb what your
therapist says and then repeatit.
You're there to do the work andwork on yourself and develop an
external sense ofself-awareness as well as
internal.
Because you need both, and veryfew people have both.
And if you don't have both,your life is going to just be
harder.

(52:29):
You're just going to be waymore confused.
The solutions that you come upwith are not gonna, they're
gonna be maladaptive, they'renot gonna be effective long
term, you're gonna end up aloneand like truly alone.
I'm not talking about someonewho's choosing not to be in a
relationship because they knowhow hard it is to find a healthy
person.
And so they're still open to arelationship if a healthy person

(52:50):
comes along, but they're notlooking.
That is completely healthy.
I truly respect it.
As long as you have good friendgroups, good family, other
things to buffer you, totallyrespect someone that chooses to
stay alone until the rightperson comes along.
That I think it takes a wholelot of strength to do.
But if you're someone that isjust thinks that there's no

(53:10):
healthy people left out there,I'm I I will admit, you know,
especially if you'repolyamorous, um, yeah, just the
fact that you're polyamorous,you've already limited your
options.
And I totally get that assomeone who identifies as
polyamorous myself, and I dostruggle with that.
But at the same time, I knowI'm always gonna help find
healthy people because they'llfind me, right?

(53:31):
I don't even have to look.
They find me.
That's how it goes.
So don't give up.
Back on track, off the tangent.
We're gonna repeat what a cleanrepair looks like.
A clean repair would be, Itouched you without checking,
that was not okay, I am sorry.
What do you need now?
Then they stop the behavior,follow your lead, and adjust

(53:52):
next time without being asked.
Now, red flags right here,minimizing.
Oh, you're just dramatic.
Flipping blame.
Well, you started it, repeatingthe same move next week.
Using the gray moment asleverage later.
That is the early shape of apattern.

(54:14):
So what's the solution?
Name the impact, not theintent.
Ask, what did I miss?
What can I change now?
Set one clear boundary for nexttime.
Again, not a barrier, don't seta wall, set a gate.
You've set a boundary, the gateis closed.

(54:36):
We can open the gate later whentrust increases.
Practice a two-sentence repairinstead of a 20-minute debate.
So I did forget, there's afifth stage, and it's the
reconciliation stage.
It's the apology and reliefstage.
So after the truly abusiveincident, the abuser might swing

(54:58):
back to Dr.
Jekyll.
Cue the flowers, apologies, theI'll never do it again
promises.
Or sometimes the abuser playsthe victim themselves.
Cue tears.
I can't live without you.
The only reason I did X isbecause I'm so scared of losing
you.
Either way, this phase is theintermittent reward.

(55:19):
The victim, who is in intensepain, suddenly feels relief.
The person I love is back.
They're sorry.
They are willing to workthrough it.
It's going to be okay.
Oxytocin, the bonding hormone,floods in during the hugs and
makeup sex, or tender moments ofreconciliation.
Dopamine rewards the hope of areturn to the idealized love.

(55:41):
This is when the trauma bondcinches tighter.
The brain pairs the abuser withboth danger and safety, making
the abuser the central figure inthe victim's emotional world.
Outsiders might see a clearpattern of abuse, but the person
inside it experiences whiplash.

(56:01):
Well, they're not all bad.
Look at this wonderful side ofthem.
That abusive part isn't thereal them, it was a mistake they
made.
Sure, people make mistakes,absolutely, but if it's a
pattern of the same shit, getthe f out.
So that being said, if it doeshappen once, how can you know
they probably won't do it again?
Because there was somethingthat I'm not gonna get into, but

(56:25):
it happened in a relationshipof mine.
And I really struggled with itbecause I know if the general
rules were reversed, I would bein jail.
And that was really hard tofigure out.
So, if it happens again, I'mnot just talking out of my butt

(56:46):
here.
Like I have gone through this,I have sought professional help
over it, I have read in depthabout it, I studied the other
person, I wanted to make surethat I was because I did have to
ask myself where the line wasfor abuse, because this was
actual abuse, not a clap on theback, this was actual abuse, but

(57:09):
I also take the whole personinto account, I take the
situation into account, I takeevery factor I can into account,
because I will not discard atruly solid person, especially
if they are someone that hasbeen used to getting walked over
their entire time, and thefirst time they stood up for
themselves, it happened to be ina physical way.

(57:30):
History matters.
If the rules were reversed, Iwould have told any friend to
leave and get out, and I alsoknew that, and that's what made
the decision really hard tofigure out.
What I did tell the person isif it happens again, which I
don't think it will, I don'tcare if it's 20 years from now.

(57:51):
At that point, we are done.
We are done.
I have to respect myself, Ihave to walk away at that point.
I would always love thatperson, but I'm not gonna stay
in an abusive relationship, it'sjust not gonna happen.
And this person is not abusive.
This person is the farthestthing from abusive, but the
incident did happen.

(58:11):
And I will say that as a man, Ibrought the incident up while
we were around other women.
And um I honestly expected thewomen to ask something like,
Well man, what were you saying?
Or something like that, right?
The women were mortified thatmy partner had done that, and I

(58:38):
did go ahead and clarify, hey,this was not, you know, this is
not this person, this is whatwas happening, this is what was
going on.
We have we worked through that,we both definitely went to
therapy over that because it wasit was tough.
My partner was clearlymortified that they had lost
control like that.
They were clearly very sorry,and they did the work to repair

(59:00):
my trust in them.
So, again, when I'm talkingabout this stuff, guys, I'm not
just talking out of my ass, I'mnot just talking about theory
and all that stuff.
I have lived some of thisstuff, but I also refuse to
compare stuff just to comparestuff and just to prove I'm
right or something shallow andridiculous and moronic like

(59:20):
that.
Believe me or don't, you'llfind out either way.
I've realized that my ego doesnot need me to be right.
I have strong opinions that areloosely held.
They're based in data.
And that's all I'll say aboutthat.
So again, if it does happenonce, how do you know they
probably won't do it again?
Well, there's two paths.

(59:42):
Path A, repair that lowersrisk.
They own it without qualifiers.
They ask, what would help?
And I will say that personnever once said something like,
Well, you were doing this.
They never, they never madeexcuses.
They were mortified that that.
That that had happened.
They own it once withoutqualifiers.

(01:00:04):
They ask what would help and doit.
They change the cue, thecontext, or the choreography so
it does not happen again.
No pressure for sex is ashortcut.
No scorekeeping.
The result?
Safety inches up over time.
Trust rebuilds over time.

(01:00:24):
The high fades because thenervous system calms.
That is good.
So let's look at the wrongpath.
Path B.
Relief that tightens the trap.
Big apology, then the same moverepeats.
Tears or gifts instead ofactual change.

(01:00:45):
You're too sensitive, or Idon't even remember that.
Sex used as a reset button.
Result?
Your brain pairs danger withcomfort and calls it love.
That is the bond tightening.
So let's do some quick scriptsthat you can drop into one of

(01:01:07):
these scenarios.
If God forbid this happens.
If you cause the harm.
Hey, I misread the signal.
I am sorry.
I will check in first and do mybest to avoid that move until
you invite it.
If you were hurt.
That landed is hurt, not play.
I need to check in before touchlike that.
No intimacy until we talk andchange what happens next.

(01:01:30):
And with that being said,here's a heads up on memory and
freeze.
A person can forget pieces of acharged moment.
That does happen.
Consistency over weeks is thetest.
If I don't remember keepsshowing up right before I do it
again, treat it as data, notdestiny.
When this starts to feelcomplicated, you are not

(01:01:56):
imagining it.
This is complicated.
It's very complicated.
Hypervigilance can come fromreal past harm.
It can also start running theshow in a new relationship and
turn every gray moment into acode red.
I have dealt with this in myown relationships.
And thank God I got that fixed.
If this keeps happening, youhave to ask yourself two hard

(01:02:20):
questions.
One, am I willing to be with ahyper-vigilant partner who will
need time, calm, repetition, andrepair on loop?
My partner happened to be thatstrong, and I told her that I
would not blame her if she brokeup with me over all that stuff.
Uh, because I was dealing withsome hyper-vigilance.
But she stuck it out.

(01:02:42):
She probably also stuck it outbecause I was active in therapy
and I was doing all that workand I was clearly moving
forward.
Just took a while, because it'shard.

So, two, ask yourself (01:02:52):
Am I the hyper-vigilant one?
And do I need to work on mynervous system before I can do
healthy love?
Two truths at once.
Hypervigilance is a traumaresponse, not a personality.
It can heal.
It will heal with the rightwork.

(01:03:14):
The second truth is thatcompatibility still matters.
Even with empathy, not everyoneis a good fit for this type of
workload.
Some people never choose to be,even if they could.
Some quick self-checks to lookat.
Pattern test.
Is this a once-in-a-whilemisattunment with repair or a

(01:03:35):
weekly cycle with the samefight?
Capacity test.
Do we both have the time,skills, and patience to try
again for the next 90 days?
If someone doesn't, then you'rekind of done at that point.
Meaning test.
Do these repairs make us saferor just buy us time until the
next round?

(01:03:55):
Again, when I said it'scomplicated, it's complicated.
You really have to be a goodjudge of human character and you
really have to understand humanpsychology to really figure
this out.
Most people don't, and youknow, I can't blame them for
that.
That's that's okay.
And even those of us that areeducated in this stuff, we still
make mistakes, and we stillhave blind spots.

(01:04:16):
So yeah, it's complicated.
There's a reason why peoplecall psychology a soft science.
So let's say you're thehyper-vigilant one.
Say it plain.
I scan for danger when I feelclose.
I am working on it.
Name your tells.
When I freeze or go sharp, Ineed a short pause, then a

(01:04:37):
check-in.
Get support.
Individual trauma-informedtherapy, plus a simple daily
regulation routine.
Sleep, food, movement, breath.
One friend.
Now, if you love someone who'shypervigilant, lead with clarity
and slow your pace.
Use predictable plans and usegentle check-ins.

(01:05:00):
Learn their signals.
Ask before touch.
Confirm after.
Hold your own mind.
Fair is not endlesscommunication.
If there is no effort to heal,leave with kindness.
Things rescue often turns youinto the villain and their
narrative and just keeps thecycle going.

(01:05:21):
You are responsible for yourchoices, not their growth.
So let's talk about green flagsversus red flags.
Green flags would be ownership,repair in words and behavior,
smaller spikes over time, inother words, smaller spikes in
whatever it is, and more ease onordinary days.

(01:05:44):
Red flags would be blame,memory only when convenient,
bigger spikes, safety tied tosex, and apologies without
change.
Remember, name the pattern, notjust the moment.
Ask, what is mine to heal rightnow?
Set one boundary you will keep,even if it costs you the

(01:06:07):
relationship.
Choose a 30-day experiment.
One calm ritual, one check-inscript, one behavior you both
change.
Exit Clarity.
Dax's alarms fired at times,shaped by a past partner's low
awareness and effort.
If the pattern stays and thecost rises, it is okay to say, I

(01:06:31):
love you and this is biggerthan we can carry.
Love is not an alarm state.
Here, Dax named the risk.
Ray owned their part and didthe work.
Real strength is accountabilityand repair.
So again, we need to do a callout when there is stonewalling

(01:06:52):
instead of an apology.
The silent treatment.
Days or weeks or even months ofcold, then a tiny crumb of
contact.
That crumb becomes the reward.
Oh, maybe they're finally readyto work through their sh.
Nope, they're not.
Controlled contact rules.
For example, you send an emailonce a month.

(01:07:13):
You chase clarity, they controlaccess.
Therapy to quote, clear theair, end quote.
Sometimes sincere, granted, butvery rarely.
You'll know which is which ifthey tell you they'll wait for
your therapist to contact them,and when your therapist refuses,
because it's not clinicallyappropriate to do that, that

(01:07:35):
person never follows up, neversends an email, no text, no
nothing.
Therapy to clear the air isoften image management or delay.
And if they never follow up,you got your answer.
In ongoing abuse, couples'therapy can be unsafe.
If there is ongoing abuse, seekindividual trauma-informed

(01:07:57):
support first.
Translation, even with flowersor I'm sorry, the intermittent
reinforcement still tightens thebond.
Phase six.
Be calm or the lull phase.
Sometimes called the honeymoonperiod.
Things might actually be goodfor a while.
The abuser is on their bestbehavior, or at least somewhat

(01:08:19):
improved behavior.
The victim's nerves subtle abit and the relationship seems
back on track.
The memory of the abuse fadesjust enough until tension starts
building and the cycle repeats.
Not every cycle has a longcalm.
In some relationships, theswings become faster and more
intense over time.
A nasty spiral.

(01:08:40):
Number seven, emotionaladdiction and entrapment.
Over multiple cycles, thevictim often becomes emotionally
addicted to the cycle itself.
It sounds strange, but thebrain is effectively conditioned
to seek the abuser's approvaland affection as the ultimate
reward.

(01:09:01):
The victim may develop traumaresponses like emotional
numbness, disassociation, oreven hypervigilance.
But they also develop aninability to feel normal outside
the context of this tumultuousrelationship.
Think of it like someonebecoming so acclimated to a
roller coaster or living on aboat for so long that solid

(01:09:22):
ground feels dull and uneasy.
They may even interpret thiscraziness as passionate love, a
dangerous confusion wherejealousy or abuse gets mistaken
for intensity and care.
At this stage, leaving isincredibly hard.
Fear plays a huge role too.
An abuser may actually threatenharm to you or to themselves if

(01:09:45):
you leave.
You may also fear no one elsewill ever love you, or that no
one else will ever love them,just FYI.
A belief often drilled in bythe abuser.
Perfect example.
I know I'll die alone.
It can feel safer to stay thanto escape.

(01:10:06):
If someone threatens self-harm,take it seriously and get help
from professionals.
Leave to a safe place if youcan.
Then call 911 for an immediatedanger check or request a
welfare check.
You can also call or text 988in the U.S.
for the suicide and crisislifeline and ask how to proceed.

(01:10:26):
Do not manage the situationalone.
Do not promise secrecy anddocument what was said.
Even when a threat is used asmanipulation, it is still an
emergency until a professionalsays otherwise.
Never forget that.
Your line can be firm andcompassionate.
Hey, I care about your safety.

(01:10:46):
I am not able to stay while youuse self-harm threats.
I am calling for help now.
We can only talk again with aprofessional involved.
If threats become a pattern,treat them as a red flag for
control and involve advocates orlaw enforcement as needed.

The short version (01:11:02):
if they say they will end their life if you
leave, you leave, then call forhelp.
911 for immediate danger or 988for guidance.
You are not their crisis plan.
Care and boundaries canabsolutely coexist.
Remember, boundaries are gates,not walls.
Barriers are walls.

(01:11:24):
So let's talk about sanitychecks.
If they control when, how, orwhether you can speak, that is
power, not partnership.
If you must beg for claritywhile they ration contact,
you're in a schedule, not arelationship.

(01:11:44):
If therapy is used to saveface, not to change behavior,
you have proof, not progress.
You gotta remember that peoplewho do these things are not
happy.
Don't be willing to burnyourself with them.
Two real-world patterns torecognize.
Breakdown after a discard.

(01:12:07):
Crying mid-message often meansyour system senses potential
that reality refuses to match.
You have hope for repair versusa pattern that blocks repair.
Stonewalling plus rationedemail.
They read but do not engage.
It keeps you in pursuit andthem in power.

(01:12:30):
That is reinforcement, notreconciliation.
Treat it as data.
You tried to disconfirm thepattern, they reconfirmed it.
Repeatedly.
Close the loop and protect yourtime.
Don't do revenge.

(01:12:52):
What not to do and what to doinstead.
Purpose.
Revenge feels righteous.
It usually backfires, raisesdanger, and keeps the bond
tight.
So use these as hard lines.
One, don't poke the raccoon toget a reaction.
Example, drunk texts.

(01:13:14):
And they're done that, itjustifies their maladaptive
coping mechanisms to themselves,which ends up actually harming
them in the long run since itallows them to dodge
accountability.
Midnight driveway talks, quote,one last conversation, end
quote, showing up at work ortheir home.
Safer swap, no contact if safeto do so.

(01:13:34):
Or Gray Rock and Biff.
Biff stands for brief,informative, friendly, and firm
for required contact.
Log all messages.
Two, don't use sex as leverage.
Examples, one last time.
Make up sex to get answers.
Sexual teasing to punish.

(01:13:55):
The safer swap, zero intimacyuntil repair is done in words
and behavior.
If repair never comes, choosedistance.
Don't mirror their tactics.
Examples, stonewalling themback, playing jealousy games,
rationing access with you canemail me once a month.
Safer swap, clear writtenboundary.

(01:14:18):
Hey, I am not available forcontact outside of whatever
necessary topic there is ifthere is any.
Then hold it.
4.
Don't wage war on social media.
Examples, posting receipts,screenshots, emails, subtweets,
public callouts.
I guarantee you there's a tonof people who already see the
clown.

(01:14:38):
They are pretty easy to spotonline.
Hell, most of their followersmight even be unhealthy people
themselves.
They are only there for thepopcorn and don't want to see
them grow because then wherewould the entertainment be then?
Dance monkey! So yeah, don't dothat.
Don't post screenshots, don'tdo public call-outs, don't do
that.
It's one thing to use whathappened as an example, alright,

(01:15:00):
and not put a name in there.
Uh, because honestly, put itthis way, if if they think that
using what they did as anexample will out them, then they
clearly don't understand thatno one thinks about us as much
as we think they might be.
That's just the case.
Document privately, share onlywith a therapist, lawyer, or

(01:15:22):
trusted advocate.
If needed, yes, use legalchannels, not public ones.
Number five, don't try to wintherapy.
An example would be draggingthem back to a single session to
force an apology, using therapyas a debate stage.
That is not what you do.
Therapy should be to heal, tofigure out what's going on.

(01:15:47):
It should not be to get anapology or a debate stage.
The safer swap, individualtrauma-informed support for you
first.
Couples work only when there issafety, accountability, reason
to believe they are seriousabout working on themselves, and
a plan.
Number six, don't retaliatethrough new or parallel

(01:16:11):
partners.
And man, I struggled with thisone because after a one
relationship ended, I got into anew relationship because they
reached out, they texted me,hey, you want to make out?
I said sure.
Once I realized who it was.
The funny part is, is after thebreakup, I did let her know
that there was someone else thatwas interested because being

(01:16:32):
polyamorous and I wanted to befully transparent, and I still
naively thought that there wasrepair and that this person was
just dealing with trauma insteadof what they actually are
dealing with, or at least appearto be dealing with based on
objective data, that this otherperson that I also know was also
interested.
Uh, it turns out it was anotherdude that I know, so that was

(01:16:58):
fun.
That was a funmiscommunication, but they had a
phone number that was verysimilar to the person I thought
it was, and the same like name.
So I'm so glad I called beforeit went over there.
It could have been so awkward.
Because something was just off.
I was like, I didn't know thisperson liked feet.

(01:17:19):
I won't get into the story, butit was pretty funny.
And I was like, oh my god, likethe optics on this to the other
person.
Oh, this is terrible.
Like, so I was fully aware ofthe optics and how that looked,
and uh, but there was reallynothing I could do about it.
You know, I I told this personthat this was uh happening in a

(01:17:40):
relationship and that I wasn'tsure if it was gonna last
because there were somepotential incompatibilities
there, which we've since workedpast, which is awesome.
Um but you know, yeah, howwell.
Woof.
Like I said, polyamory getscomplicated and it's it's it's
tough.
I am very jealous of peoplethat are monogamous.
Let's put it that way.

(01:18:01):
I'm very jealous of people thatare married to an amazing
person and don't feel like theyhave room in their life for
loving someone else fully aswell.
I personally have room in mylife for two, but that's it.
So, yeah, it's it's different.
And now more research isshowing that our brains are
probably wired differently.
So that would make sensebecause I did always wonder,

(01:18:24):
man, why?
Like, why?
Like, is this just society?
Like, yeah, maybe society hassomething to do with it.
Is this just like a fear ofintimacy?
Well, I know that's not true,for sure.
Like, I've proven that, Ithink.
Um to my chagrin sometimes.
Uh so yeah, it's uh yeah, it'sit's it's interesting.

(01:18:45):
But anyways, enough about me.
It's not about me.
This is about getting the rightinformation out there to the
right people that need it.
So the only reason I might talkabout this stuff is like I
said, I have been there, I doknow what I'm talking about when
it comes to this stuff, or atleast I know a little bit of
what I'm talking about.
So again, number six, don'tretaliate through new or

(01:19:07):
parallel partners.
For example, flaunting arebound to spark jealousy,
looping a new partner intoconflict, hinting at overlap,
waving a poly flag as aprovocation.
The safer swap.
If you practice ethicalnominogamy or polyamory, move
ethically, not reactively.

(01:19:27):
Consent, clarity, writtenagreements, no triangulation.
Keep it low profile sinceoutsiders may misread fast
timelines.
Otherwise, deal quietly and letdistance do what arguments
couldn't.
Here's an example.
Again, I do practice consensualnon-monogamy, specifically

(01:19:48):
polyamory, but real polyamory.
Commitment after two yearsminimum, and my own limit is to
lifelong partners since love isinfinite, yes, but time and
energy is not.
After someone ended arelationship that I'd mentioned
previously, I began a newrelationship with someone who
I'd met briefly while with theother person, and said they
understood and consented to ENM,the umbrella term under which

(01:20:11):
polyamory resides.
For anyone new.
The former partner had alreadysaid that they might not be able
to meet my needs and wouldlikely choose a secondary role
even if we did stay together.
From the outside, it lookedfast because it was.
Within literal days, I waspainfully aware of the optics.
I had asked for individualtherapy for them, the previous

(01:20:33):
person, and joint therapy forus.
Both were again declined.
The joint therapy was onlyagreed to, again, months after
the person ended therelationship, and again, only to
clear the air.
And we both know how thosepeople work.
And my therapist wasn't aboutto let that happen.
I wasn't going to let a closeddoor keep me from a healthier

(01:20:54):
relationship.
The choice followed ouragreements and supposed values
after all.
Not retaliation, not overlap,no triangulation.
Insecurity rarely followslogic.
So with that in mind, here's anoptional one-liner for socials
I would have used if I knew thenwhat I know now.
I get this might look quick.

(01:21:15):
We practice ethicalnon-monogamy.
Everyone involved has clarityand consent.
I'm keeping any detailsone-on-one.
Keep it simple.
7.
Don't weaponize co-parenting.
Examples.
Schedule games, withholdinginfo, using kids as messengers.

(01:21:37):
The safer swap.
Parental parenting with biffemails.
And again, BIF stands forbrief, informative, friendly,
and firm.
Shared calendar and writtenagreements.
Keep communication childfocused.
Number eight.
Don't threaten exposure youcannot safely execute.
Examples.

(01:21:58):
I'll tell everyone.
I'll ruin you.
Drive by record drops.
Remember, if they have at leasthalf a brain, they aren't going
to share everything either, butfor them, it's because they
know they'll expose themselvesto others who have half a brain.
The safer swap?
Talk to an attorney or advocateabout safe legal options.

(01:22:20):
Make a safety plan before anydisclosure.
Number nine, don't police theirimage.
Examples.
Chasing every rumor you hearabout them or about you,
correcting every smear, etc.
The safer swap, keep a datedblog.
Respond only when it matters.
HR, court, school, silenceelsewhere.

(01:22:45):
10.
Don't self-harm to make apoint.
Examples.
Reckless driving, substanceabuse, threats to scare them.
The safer swap.
Crisis plan hotline.
Sober supports.
Your safety is the win.
Number 11.
Don't bargain for closure.

(01:23:06):
Examples.
Long voice notes begging fortruth.
Monthly email rules you acceptjust to stay connected.
Safer swap.
One short closing script.
Then block if safe.
For example, thank you for thegood moments.
I am not available for furthercontact.
Please direct any necessarylogistics to channel.

(01:23:29):
I wish you well.
Resist the urge to addsomething like, you sad, sad
clown, at the end.
Yep, I know just how temptingthat is.
Unless you want to push themfurther into their own
narratives, of course.
But then again, do you wanthealing or do you want revenge
by playing the long game theycan't see?
That's a rhetorical question.

(01:23:51):
You should want healing, bothfor yourself and them.
12.
Do not try to outmanipulate amanipulator.
Examples.
Playing chess with someone wholives on a checkerboard.
King Me is the only real movethey have under all their
manipulation tactics.
The safer swap, just step offthe board.

(01:24:13):
Boundaries, documentation,safety, and boring consistency
win every time.
So if we look at it through ourlighthouse lens, the signal is
revenge keeps the tether alive.
Boundaries cut the cord.
The mirror is am I acting toget relief today or to build

(01:24:34):
safety for tomorrow?
Sovereignty is write twoscripts now.
One for logistics, one forgoodbye.
Use only those.
And the gritty invitation ischoose dignity over drama.
Boring is freedom.
If danger is present,prioritize a safety plan,

(01:24:59):
advocacy, and legal guidance.
Hotlines can help you map nextsteps.
Again, if you share things asexamples to help others, that's
fine.
Just know that these people andothers who don't actually know
you will likely think you arestill hung up on them instead of
understanding you simply feelsorry for them and don't want
others to make the same mistakesyou or they did.

(01:25:21):
As long as you don't care whatothers think and fully
understand that their personalhells are theirs to stay in by
their choice, and you comingacross as being hung up on them
might ironically keep them fromgrowing, then hey, go for it.
Otherwise, just live your life,focus on the ones who stayed,
and stay content.

(01:25:42):
Notice how each go round of thecycle tightens the bond a
little bit more?
By the later stages, thevictim's self-esteem is
typically in tatters, and theirinternal compass is broken.
You have to have a reallystrong internal compass not to
have it broken by these people.
They don't trust their ownjudgment anymore, thanks to

(01:26:03):
gaslighting and manipulation.
As a result, they often don'trecognize themselves as a
battered person or see therelationship as abusive while
they're in it.
They may actually defend theabuser to others, hide the
abuse, or phationalize it.
This is why you'll hearsurvivors say things like, I
didn't even realize I was in anabusive relationship until it

(01:26:25):
got really bad.
See, the trauma bond fostersdenial and minimization as
survival tactics.
Now I will say as an aside, uhI hate using the term survivor
and trauma and all that stuffbecause it's so overused and all
that stuff, but it is whatpeople understand.

(01:26:47):
So I can get through this.
Since people are who they are,that's the language that I'm
going to use.
If you're reading this andthinking, geez, that sounds a
lot like what happened to myfriend in that toxic
relationship, you're not alone.
Sadly, trauma bonds are commonin cases of domestic violence

(01:27:09):
and true narcissistic abuse.
Not every person who stays withan abusive partner is trauma
bonded.
There can be economic reasons,fear for safety, cultural
pressures, scarcity mindset,etc.
In addition, or instead.
But trauma bonding is afrequent factor.

(01:27:29):
It also happens in cultdynamics, kidnapping or hostage
situations.
Stockholm syndrome, again,being a famous example, human
trafficking, and even in someparent-child relationships where
the parent is abusive, but thechild still fiercely loves and
protects them.
The core pattern is the same.

(01:27:50):
Terror could be just of theperson or just the potential
long-term impacts of leaving,mixed with occasional kindness
equals a trauma bond formed outof survival instinct.
As expert Dr.
Patrick Carnes and othershighlight, power and control are
at the heart of it, and thevictim's natural attachment
system is essentially hacked orhijacked by the situation.

(01:28:13):
So, busting another myth.
Hang in there with me.
It's not true that people intrauma bonds are just weak or
love drama or have some flawthat makes them stay.
What they have is an awfulperfect storm of neurochemistry,
psychology, and often practicalbarriers.

(01:28:35):
Their strength is often erodedby the abuse itself.
Many survivors are incrediblystrong.
It's how they endured.
The trauma bond creates adependence that feels like love
fused with fear.
As one psychologist puts it,it's a counterintuitive response
to intermittent abuse, wherethe victim actually becomes more
attached as things get worse.

(01:28:55):
Again, this does not followlogic.
Understanding this helps us bemore compassionate to those
stuck in such relationships.
It's not as simple as handingthem a bus ticket and saying,
just go, bro! Or just go, girl.
Breaking a trauma bondtypically requires outside
intervention, therapy supportgroups, sometimes even legal

(01:29:17):
intervention, and a process ofdeprogramming those beliefs in
biochemistry.
But here's a helpful note.
Trauma bonds can be broken, andsurvivors do heal and go on to
form healthy relationships.
It often takes time,professional help, and a
rebuilding of one's identity andself-worth.
If you or someone you knowmight be in a trauma-bonded

(01:29:39):
relationship, know the help isavailable.
And I will list some resourcesat the end of this article.
You're not alone, and you'renot foolish.
What's happening is deeplyunderstood and can be overcome
with the right support.
So now let's talk aboutattachment styles.
The ghosts of our past and ourpresent level.

(01:29:59):
Life.
At this point, you might bethinking, okay, fine, I'm not
trauma bonded.
But I do notice I have somepretty unhealthy relationship
patterns.
What's up with that?
Or perhaps, why did Ray and Dexhandle their shared experience
in a healthy way, while someother couples in similar shoes
might crash and burn?

(01:30:20):
The answer often lies insomething that operates quietly
in the background of all of ourlove lives.
Attachment styles.
I've talked about them before,but we're gonna do it again.
Attachment styles are like therelationship software our brain
runs, largely coded by our earlychildhood experiences with
caregivers.
Think of it as the blueprintfor how you connect, trust, and

(01:30:41):
depend on others, or don'tdepend on others.
There are four main attachmentstyles identified in adults:
secure, anxious or preoccupied,avoidant or dismissive, and
disorganized or fearfulavoidant.
Don't worry, I'm not divinginto a dry lecture here.
I'll keep it practical with aside of humor, of course.
So let's meet the cast.

(01:31:03):
Secure attachment, the unicorn.
Okay, well, not actually aunicorn.
Secure folks do exist.
I'm one of them.
Apparently, about 50 to 60% ofthe population are secure, which
is awesome.
It's just that naturally mostof us are partnered.
That's just the reality.
Because a securely attachedperson generally feels safe with
intimacy and also comfortablewith independence.

(01:31:26):
We trust others enough to bevulnerable and trust ourselves
enough to handle rejection oralone time.
If you're secure, you'rebasically the person who can
have a stable, lovingrelationship without constantly
freaking out or shutting down.
Teach others your ways, thosesecure ones.
In relationships, secure peopletend to communicate openly,
resolve conflicts better, andsupport their partners while

(01:31:48):
also maintaining their ownidentity.
This is the ideal we're allaiming for.
Now I will say in the past,after a partner had died and I
had an issue with anotherrelationship, then you know I
did have a little bit of afearful and anxious attachment
style going on there, I think.

(01:32:08):
Uh when I well, I know becausewhen I tested, I was mostly
secure, 74% secure, and thensplit evenly between fearful and
anxious for the remainingpercent.
So, you know, the question is,okay, how much of that was
because of that relationship,and how much of that was because
of my partner's death.
I would like to think that itwasn't the relationship that did

(01:32:29):
that.
I would like to think, andmaybe this is just letting the
person off the hook, who cares?
I would like to think that camefrom my partner's death and the
turmoil that came from that.
But I do generally have asecure attachment style.
I have amazing parents.
I mean it's when you look ateverything, it totally makes
sense why I have a secureattachment style.

(01:32:50):
But again, it's not about me.
If you test yourself and you'resecure, you can probably figure
out pretty easy why that is.
So moving on from that, inrelationships, secure people do
tend to communicate openly,resolve conflicts better, and
support their partner while alsomaintaining their own identity.
This is the ideal we're allaiming for.
Security is the baseline of ahealthy bond.

(01:33:12):
It is no surprise that someonewith a secure style is least
likely to end up trauma bondingor other toxic entanglement.
Although it can still happen,again, nobody is immune to
manipulation, but the secureperson, if they are authentic,
will likely naturally push theinauthentic ones away.
Secure attachment usually comesfrom consistent, responsive

(01:33:33):
parenting in childhood.
The kid learned, well, I canrely on others and I am worthy
of love.
Then you have the anxiousattachment, or the clinger.
If you have an anxious or alsocalled preoccupied attachment,
basically you crave closenessand fear abandonment.
Your biggest worry in love isthat your partner will leave you

(01:33:53):
or stop loving you, and youoften feel you need extra
reassurance.
You might be labeled as needyor clingy, but really it's your
attachment system in overdrive.
Anxiously attached folkshyper-vigilantly monitor their
relationships for any sign ofrejection.
They'll crawl your social mediaaccounts collecting data on
you.
A missed text or a lukewarmokay reply might send them

(01:34:16):
spiraling.
Are you mad at me?
Did I do something wrong?
Are they going to break up withme?
They do tend to get a tadexhausting, unless you can
recognize what's going on andadjust, by actively reassuring
them.
Truly secure people, we justdon't think about that stuff
much.
Basically, they just need a bitmore conscious reassurance than

(01:34:37):
a securely attached person.
Reminding them that you lovethem through texts is one of the
things you'll need to do intoday's world.
Because to the anxiouslyattached person, if you don't
say it, you must not be thinkingit.
On the plus side, they do lovedeeply and are very tuned in to
their partner's moods.
On the downside, they canoverwhelm partners with their

(01:34:57):
high needs and sometimesaccidentally creates a
self-fulfilling prophecy.
The partner withdraws becauseof the intense pressure, which
then quote unquote confirms theanxious person's fear.
Ugh, that's rough.
Anxious detachment oftendevelops from inconsistent
caregiving.
For example, a parent who isloving sometimes and unavailable

(01:35:19):
other times.
The child never knew whenthey'd get affection or be
ignored, so they grew upemotionally on edge, always
trying to fix the relationshipand gain security.
In adult life, this canmanifest as people-pleasing,
jealousy, and difficulty beingalone.
Anxious types are at higherrisk of falling into codependent

(01:35:40):
relationships or even truetrauma bonds, because an
abuser's intermittent love isbasically an anxious person's
kryptonite.
It plays exactly into theirfear and relief cycle.
So if you are normally asecurely attached person and you
do stumble into one of thesereally ridiculous relationships

(01:36:01):
and where looking back, it kindof definitely matches the trauma
bonding and all that stuff, andit and it, you know, what I'm
saying sounds familiar, andyou're like, how the hell could
I not see this?
Man, life experiences,attachment styles are they're
usually pretty stable over time.
But if you have an extreme lifeexperience, like you lost a

(01:36:21):
partner unexpectedly young, youknow, when you when you guys
plan the rest of your lifetogether and you're reeling and
trying to figure out what thehell happened, and you've gone
to grief therapy and doneeverything you're supposed to
do, but it's only been fivemonths, and then you get into
something new, and it feels likeuh best way I can describe it,
it feels like something that youdidn't know you were looking

(01:36:43):
for your entire life, and it'ssomething that you appreciate
and you realize that yourlifestyle is going to be
completely different, and soyou're not gonna be reminded of
the person that died all thetime, right?
Because you haven't workedthrough all that stuff yet.
You're not gonna be able tothink clearly that fearful or
anxious attachment style, youknow, might start rearing its

(01:37:04):
ugly head, at least pieces ofit.
Um, in the end, just knowyou'll be fine.
If you're basically a securelyattached person, you're gonna
get back to there again andit'll be fine and it'll be
great.
And the next person you meet isprobably gonna be good because
you'll you'll know, you'll knowwhat red flags to avoid, right?
Especially if you made it to,let's say, 40 without getting
with uh more than maybe one youknow toxic person, right?

(01:37:27):
Don't worry about it too much.
You know, definitely do notavoid relationships because
you've been in a bad now.
I will say, if most of yourrelationships have been bad, uh
maybe look at the denominator,which is you, right?
But if most of yourrelationships have been good,
figure out where you went wrong,figure out what you were blind

(01:37:48):
to, get that fixed, moveforward, you'll be fine.
So the next attachment style Iwant to talk about is the
avoidantly attached, or therunner.
Avoidantly attached individualsvalue independence to an
extreme, and they struggle withintimacy.

(01:38:09):
Their motto in relationships isbasically don't get too close,
I don't want to get hurt or losemyself.
If anxious folks are terrifiedof abandonment, avoidant folks
are terrified of engulfment,being controlled, smothered, or
vulnerable.
They often keep partners atarm's length and can seem
emotionally distant orindifferent.

(01:38:30):
Commitment may freak them out.
They may ghost you just whenthings start getting serious.
It's not that avoidant peopledon't want love, many do, but
closeness triggers their defensemechanisms, so they never keep
love.
They tend to downplay theimportance of relationships and
often pride themselves on beingself-sufficient.
This usually comes fromcaregivers who are unresponsive

(01:38:53):
or emotionally distant inchildhood.
The child learns, I can't relyon others, better not to need
anyone.
The sad irony is that avoidantindividuals do often feel lonely
or the sting of lonelinessdespite your best efforts to
appear self-sufficient.
They just won't admit itopenly.
They may also unconsciouslychoose partners who are also

(01:39:15):
avoidant, leading to two peopleparallel playing at intimacy,
but never quite connecting.
So that reminds me, if yourpartner says they like parallel
play, they are so close toawareness, but they aren't there
yet.
Give them an attachment styleassessment as soon as possible
for all that is holy.
Or, very commonly, they end upwith an anxious partner, a

(01:39:38):
pairing that can be a specialkind of hell, where one chases
and the other runs in aperpetual loop.
Yes, anxious avoidant pairingshappen a lot.
It's like magnets of oppositepoles drawn together, then stuck
in a painful push-pull dynamic.
Think of uh Ted and Robin fromHow I Met Your Mother.
That's a classic anxious versusavoidant.

(01:39:59):
And remember, neither of themare bad people.
It's just an anxious versusavoidant attachment style.
If an avoidant person doesn'twork on their issues, they will
indeed struggle to stay withanyone long term, whether
they're securely attached ornot.
They will go from relationshipto relationship, always leaving

(01:40:20):
when things get too real, or,sadly, they will avoid a
relationship altogether as aquote solution, end quote.
Remember, avoidance often won'teven see the problem clearly.
They'll just say, relationshipsare overrated, or I'm happy or
alone, without recognizing fearis driving them.
It's like they preemptivelybreak their own heart to ensure

(01:40:43):
no one else can.
Unless they really commit toself-awareness and change, an
avoidant person will leave atrail of frustrated partners or
lonely years.
If you've ever dated someonewho's an emotional brick wall or
who values their solo life morethan ever seeing you instead of
loving both equally like asecure normal human, you know
the pain.
Leave them be, they can getinto therapy and fix themselves

(01:41:07):
or not.
It's their choice.
Just don't beat yourself up toomuch over the ones you tried to
tell or save when theyinevitably crumble.
Because you can't save people.
You can put the information outthere, that's why I have this
podcast.
But at the end of the day, youknow, they have to follow it,
they have to listen to it, theyhave to wrestle with it, they

(01:41:28):
have to look it all upthemselves.
That's why when I do seesomeone disagree with something
I'm saying on the podcast, Iappreciate that, right?
Because you're wrestling withthe content.
That's huge.
That is what you need to do.
All right.
I don't have to be right.
I very much well might havethings wrong.
I'm going based off data.
I'm going based off research.

(01:41:49):
Research and data areconstantly changing.
New data is coming out, showingus that, hey, we either got
this wrong or oh, there's moreto it than just what we thought.
So I love it when peopledisagree with me.
It's it helps me learn becausethey're wrestling with the
content.
That's a good thing.
Most people don't wrestle withcontent these days, they just

(01:42:09):
don't.
And uh, that's sad.
You know, it's but it's thetimes we live in.
So can't worry too much aboutthose people.
You just live our own life,wrestle with your own stuff, and
you'll be fine.
Ah man, I'm getting off on somany tangents in this one.
Alright.
I guess I I will say this wasthis did bring up some stuff,

(01:42:32):
more frustration.
It's like, oh my god, how did Inot see this in the past?
Like, what the hell?
Oh well.
We all learn.
Alright, so the I think thefinal one, yes, the final one is
disorganized attachment, or thehot mess express.
Disorganized, also calledfearful avoidant, is a combo

(01:42:55):
platter of anxious and avoidant,and not in the fun way.
These individuals both craveand fear intimacy.
It's something described ascome here, go away.
They might desperately wantlove, then once they get it, a
real thing, they panic and pushit away.
Their behavior in relationshipscan seem erratic or
contradictory because it is.

(01:43:16):
For example, they might clingone day and then ghost the next,
leaving partners utterlyconfused.
Disorganized detachment isoften rooted in serious trauma
or abuse in childhood.
So imagine a child whosecaregiver was a source of both
comfort and fear.
Perhaps an abusive parent thechild nevertheless loved.

(01:43:37):
The child's brain had nowheresafe to land.
It's the ultimate trustparadox.
As adults, these folks havenever learned a consistent
strategy for relationships.
They often have very lowself-worth and high distrust.
And they may gravitate towardsunhealthy relationships because
that chaos is familiar.

(01:43:57):
Unfortunately, disorganizedtypes are at the highest risk
for things like abusiverelationships, domestic violence
situations, or developing othermental health issues.
For example, there's acorrelation with conditions like
borderline personality disorderor complex PTSD in some cases
with the disorganized type.
In a trauma bond context, adisorganized person may both

(01:44:20):
suffer abuse and also act outabuse.
Or they might leave and comeback multiple times.
It's, well, disorganized.
You see why people confusetrauma bonding with bonding
through shared trauma now?
I can't blame them.
I can't blame myself.
The good news, if we can callit that, is that disorganized is

(01:44:42):
much less common than the otherinsecure styles.
But those who have it usuallyhave a lot of deep, healing work
to do.
Therapy, especiallytrauma-focused therapy, is often
needed to untangle the fear,love, fusion they carry.
Now, reading these, you mightidentify yourself or your
partner.
But there's assessments to nailthat down.

(01:45:05):
Attachment styles aren't aboutputting you in a box, they're a
framework to understandpatterns.
And here's a crucial point, andI cannot stress this enough.
Attachment styles can change.
They are not fixed for life.
Cue the hallelujah chorus.
Psychologists talk about earnedsecure attachment, which is

(01:45:29):
when someone with an insecurestyle works to become more
secure over time.
This can happen through healingrelationships, like being with
a securely attached partner whomodels trust and consistency.
Yep, it's on us, fellowsecurely attached ones.
We get to model it for themjust by being us.
Hooray! It's worth it though.

(01:45:50):
Uh most of the time.
Uh, me personally, I think theonly one I'd probably be okay
with is the anxious attachmentstyle, even though that that can
be exhausting sometimes.
That you just have to, youknow, uh take space apart for
yourself when you need it, soyou don't pour from an empty
cup, and then you'll be fine.

(01:46:10):
Um and as long as they'reworking towards secure
attachment style and trust andall that stuff, then it'll work
out.
It'll be fine.
Uh where was I?
Okay, so okay, so or they canheal it through therapy and
self-work.
One therapist emphasizes thatwith self-awareness and support,

(01:46:32):
it is possible to earn secureattachment.
Attachment wounds can behealed.
So if you saw yourself inanxious or avoidant or hot mess
mode and thought, well, I'mdoomed, just take heart.
The brain is capable ofrewiring.
People do it all the time.
It's not easy.

(01:46:53):
It takes conscious effort,often a good therapist or a lot
of personal development, andexperiences that challenge your
old beliefs.
But it can be done.
Hopefully you figure it outbefore it's too late and realize
you've pushed away or ran fromall the solid ones you didn't
even realize you'd bumbled into.
Let's just say us secure onesdon't have the time to assess

(01:47:15):
you all out of the goodness ofour own hearts when 50 to 60% of
the population is already wherewe are in that regard.
This is harsh, but it isunfortunately reality.
For example, an anxiouslyattached person can learn to
self-soothe and build confidenceso they're not living in
constant fear of abandonment.

(01:47:35):
They might practicecommunicating their needs calmly
rather than via panic orprotest behavior.
Over time, they realize notevery argument means a breakup,
and not every silence meansthey're unloved.
As they internalize a feelingof security, they slowly inch
towards a more secure style.
Similarly, an avoidant personcan, with a lot of effort,

(01:47:59):
unpack their fear of intimacy.
Therapy, ding ding ding, canhelp them understand what
they're afraid of and graduallylearn to tolerate closeness
without feeling suffocated.
They might work on expressingvulnerabilities in small doses,
learning that it's actuallyrewarding to rely on someone
trustworthy.

(01:48:20):
Over time, they see thatletting someone in won't destroy
their independence.
In fact, it can, who my god,enrich their life.
It's crazy! Look upinterdependence.
Look up the concept ofinterdependence.
It's awesome.
This doesn't mean an avoidantwakes up one day as a cuddly
teddy bear who wants to talkabout feelings 24-7.

(01:48:41):
Uh, no.
It means maybe they go fromrunning at the first sign of
commitment to being able to staypresent and work through
conflicts rather than ejecting.
You know, progress.
Even disorganized folks, oftenwith the help of trauma
therapies, can find morestability and move toward more

(01:49:01):
security.
It might require resolving theunderlying trauma through things
like EMDR, somatic therapy,etc., so that intimacy isn't
tied up with terror anymore, butit absolutely can happen.
Therapists have seen clientsmove from the hot mess express
to mostly secure with a fewquirks after doing the hard

(01:49:23):
work.
So, why are we talking aboutattachment styles in a podcast
that's very long about traumabonding and trauma myths?
Because insecure attachment isoften the soil in which
unhealthy bonds like traumabonds, codependency, etc., take
root.
If you have an anxious ordisorganized attachment, even if
it's just a temporary conditionafter a partner dies, for

(01:49:45):
example, you might be more proneto mistaking intense drama or
even just stupidly childishdrama for love, since
inconsistency is your normal.
You might also be morevulnerable to an abuser's
tactics.
For example, a reallove-bombing narcissist can hook
an anxiously attachment personlike a fish on the line.

(01:50:05):
Until that person heals theirattachment style, of course, and
then it's curtains for thenarcissist.
But don't worry, truenarcissists, they are clowns who
live in their own hell.
You'll just you'll almostlikely never see it.
Remember, true narcissists arelike less than 5% of the
population.
Like narcissistic traits areeverywhere, of course, but true
narcissists, your odds of reallyrunning into a real one?
Eh, pretty low.

(01:50:26):
Now, as an aside, I will saythat I think I need to say
something about uh understandingtrue narcissists and the hell
behind their mask.
Because there is a lot of hateout there toward narcissists,
especially on social media thesedays.
And hey, look, I do get it.
The damage they cause is real.
It's manipulation, gaslighting,confusion, frustration,

(01:50:47):
emotional exhaustion, becausethey don't act like a normal
person.

But here's the truth (01:50:51):
no one is born that way.
Narcissists are made.
Somewhere along the way, theylearned that love was
conditional, that worth camefrom image, admiration, or
control.
Somewhere, shame became tooheavy to face, so they built a
mask.
And over time the mask fused tothe skin.

(01:51:13):
What looks like arrogance isoften just terror of exposure.
What looks like control ispanic at the idea of
powerlessness.
What looks like I don't care isreally I cannot afford to feel
that.
Their entire existence becomesa balancing act between fragile
ego and deep self-loathing.

(01:51:33):
Trapped in a loop where theonly way to feel good is to
prove superiority, yet everyattempt just deepens the wound.
It's a hell of their ownmaking, yes, but it is hell.
Hating them doesn't fix it.
It just reinforces the storythey already believe that

(01:51:53):
everyone is out to get them, tohurt them, to embarrass them, to
steal their perceivedspotlight.
The best thing you can do is toprotect yourself, hold firm
boundaries, and if you do try tohelp, keep expectations
extremely low.
True narcissists, they rarelychange.

(01:52:14):
But understanding where theycome from and why they do what
they do helps you see the cycleclearly.
And once you see it, you canstep out of it.
So tell other people compassiondoesn't mean letting them hurt
you.
It means refusing to becomelike them.
Now, again, this is a call forcompassion with boundaries, this

(01:52:37):
is a context for how narcissismforms, this is a guidance to
protect yourself first, and thisis clarity instead of chaos.
This isn't an excuse for abuse,this is not a diagnosis of your
ex or mine, this is not areason to stay and fix someone,
and this is not a promise theywill change.
If you are unsafe, leave andget help.

(01:52:59):
Compassion can wait, but safetycannot.
So, with that short aside,let's get back on track.
That anxious person is achingfor validation, and the
narcissistic abuser gives it inspades initially, then pulls it
away, which perfectly triggersthe anxious person's fear of

(01:53:21):
abandonment, making them hold ontighter just when a securely
attached person might say, uh,no thanks, I'm out.
Similarly, an avoidant personmight actually attract a
controlling or abusive partnerwho likes that the avoidant
won't demand intimacy, thusmaking the abuser's job of
isolation easier, or an avoidantmight end up as the runner in a
toxic chase with an anxiouspartner, which can sometimes

(01:53:44):
escalate to actual realemotional abuse on both sides.
And look up what real emotionalabuse really is versus the
TikTok version from people wholack awareness.
This episode is deep enough andlong enough already.
On the flip side, someone witha secure attachment style is
less likely to either tolerateabuse or to confuse abuse for
love.

(01:54:04):
They're more likely to say,hey, this doesn't feel healthy,
I'm leaving.
Early on, they also tend tochoose partners who treat them
like adults, because that's whatfeels familiar and comfortable
to them.
They have a healthy internalmodel of love.
Now, secure folks canabsolutely end up in bad
situations too.
Domestic violence crosses allpersonality types, but they

(01:54:26):
might have a stronger internalvoice that says, I deserve
someone like me, and morereadily seek help or exit.
The encouraging takeaway isthat even if you didn't win the
parent lottery and ended up withsome attachment boo-boos, you
are not doomed to repeat painfulpatterns forever.
You can heal your attachmentstyle, and by doing so

(01:54:47):
dramatically improve the qualityof your relationships.
It's really like upgrading yourrelationship software from
Windows Mii, which is full ofbugs and security issues, the
worst Windows ever, to a modernstable operating system.
It won't make your lifeperfect, you'll still have
normal ups and downs, but youwon't unconsciously gravitate
towards harmful relationships orsabotage the good ones.

(01:55:09):
So let's circle back to Rey andDax briefly through the
attachment lens.
Suppose, hypothetically, Reyhad a predominantly secure
style, despite her loss, and Daxhad, say, a predominantly
anxious style despite hisupbringing.
Ray might have been patient andreassuring when Dax
occasionally subconsciouslycompared her to his late

(01:55:31):
partner, or if Dax worried she'dleave.
Dax's anxious side could havebeen calmed by Rey's steady
support, helping him become moresecure over time.
If both of them were relativelysecure, that would explain how
they navigated triggers withouttoo much chaos.
Now imagine if both haddisorganized attachment.

(01:55:52):
Not saying they do, just thethought experiment, because the
people I'm talking about, wedon't.
I know who has which becausethird-party assessments, baby.
Anyways, their relationshipmight have been far more
volatile, with each triggeringthe other and maybe even
recreating some of their pasttrauma dynamics between them.

(01:56:13):
The shared trauma of losingpartners could have become a
point of mutual understanding ora minefield of fear, depending
on how secure they each were inthemselves.
The point?
Attachment style is a hugefactor in how we handle trauma,
both our own past and any wemight experience within
relationships.
Remember, four people canexperience the same thing.

(01:56:35):
The exact same thing.
One will be traumatized, onewill alchemize and learn things
from it, one will be like, whoa,that was crazy weird, man, and
move the f on.
And one will lose allfunctionality.
It's the lens through which weinterpret a partner's actions
that matter.
Attachment styles are thebaseline for how safe or

(01:56:58):
threatened we feel when intimacyhappens.
And importantly, it's somethingwe can actively work on.
If you suspect you have aninsecure attachment style,
consider this your friendlynudge to learn more about it.
Tons of resources exist frombooks like Attached to Quizzes
and Online Forums to Therapy.
It can be downright liberatingto realize.
Oh, I'm not crazy, I'm justanxious attachment, and that's

(01:57:20):
why I freak out when my partnerdoesn't text back.
Well, I can work on that.
Or well, I'm not acold-hearted, useless jerk.
I'm avoidant because I learnedearly on to shut it down.
Hey, maybe I can learn to openup.
These insights can change yourlife.
Before we move on, one moremyth to bust.

(01:57:41):
I am stuck with my attachmentstyle forever.
Nope.
Research and clinicalexperience show attachments can
and do evolve.
Even if you've had a roughstart in life, you can cultivate
earned secure attachment.
Consider this example.
A person with anxiousattachment goes through therapy,
learns to identify negativethought spirals, practices

(01:58:03):
self-soothing, and enters arelationship with someone
patient.
Over time, they notice they'renot as panicking when conflict
arises.
They trust more.
That's earned security.
Or an avoidant bachelorettemeets a partner who gently
encourages emotional closenessin a safe way.
Initially, she feels likerunning, but she hangs in there

(01:58:25):
and discovers, surprise,intimacy can be pretty damn
nice.
She starts reaching out morerather than retreating.
Growth! The brain literallyforms new neural pathways when
we consistently experiencerelationships differently.
As one article's key takeawayput it, positive experiences

(01:58:46):
with securely attached peoplealong with deliberate effort can
override insecure impulses.
Just know that it can getexhausting for us too.
And so if a measurably tested,securely attached person is
actually willing to work throughyour to us, needy, whiny,
fearful, stupid, orself-limiting bullshit, without
calling you out like a doucheand framing it as gentle a

(01:59:06):
manner as possible, yet weactually fing love you.
Try not to be a fing dummy.
Sorry, had to put that inthere.
Anyways, in summary, insecureattachment styles can set us up
for a painful relationship,including trauma bonds, but they
are not a life sentence.

(01:59:27):
You can heal, and as you do,you likely find that what you're
attracted to or tolerate inrelationships shifts to.
Healing, growth, and movingforward, breaking bonds, and

(01:59:51):
building healthy ones.
At this point, we've lengthilyjourneyed through the darkness
of trauma bonds and the maze ofattachment styles.
If you've recognized someuncomfortable truths about your
own life in these descriptions,you might be asking, okay, what
now?
How do I fix this?
How do I heal?
Fear not! This is where wefocus on the solutions,

(02:00:14):
resources, and hope.
The great thing about the humanpsyche is its capacity for
resilience and change.
People break free from toxicbonds, people heal their
attachment wounds, and people goon to have better, healthier
love stories.
It is absolutely possible.
First, if you suspect you arein a trauma-bonded relationship,

(02:00:36):
an abusive dynamic, safety andsupport are the top priorities.
This often means reaching outbeyond the relationship to
professionals or supportnetworks.
It's extremely difficult to seeclearly or to extricate
yourself without outside helpbecause, as we covered, your
brain is basically workingagainst you staying objective.

(02:00:57):
Consider contacting a domesticviolence hotline or advocacy
group.
These folks are trained tounderstand trauma bonding and
can help you plan a safe exit ifneeded.
For instance, the NationalDomestic Violence Hotline, in
the U.S., it's 1-800-799-SAFE ortheHotline.org, is a 24-7

(02:01:18):
resource for confidentialsupport.
There are also local sheltersand organizations that offer
counseling, legal advice, evensafe housing if you need to get
out quickly.
Therapy is almost alwaysrecommended, whether it's
one-on-one counseling or asupport group for survivors.
Therapists can provide anon-judgmental space to entangle
the cognitive dissonance andbuild up your sense of self

(02:01:41):
again.
Modalities like trauma-focusedcognitive behavioral therapy, or
TFCBT, or EMDR, which is eyemovement desensitization and
reprocessing therapy, are oftenused to help process and heal
from the abuse.
In severe cases, especiallywith PTSD symptoms, a
trauma-informed therapist orpsychologist is crucial.

(02:02:02):
Now, if you realize you're notin an abusive relationship, but
maybe you have an insecureattachment style or some
unhealthy patterns, the approachis a bit different, but with
some overlap.
Internal and externalself-awareness are the critical
first steps.
It might help to take anattachment style quiz, there are
many free ones online, such asthe Attachment Projects quiz,

(02:02:24):
which I personally like, orsimply searching Adult
Attachment Style Quiz.
These aren't diagnostic gospel,but they do give you a
framework.
Read up on your style, see whatresonates.
Journaling about yourrelationship history can also
reveal patterns.
For example, hmm, I notice Ialways fall hard and fast and
then start panicking thatthey'll leave and the

(02:02:46):
relationship blows up.
That fits anxious attachment.
Or, I mean, I date really nicepeople, but I always find a
reason to break it off whenthings get too close.
That's avoidant, alright?
This kind of insight is gold.
Because once you see thepattern, guess what?
You can work on changing it.
If you can't see the pattern,how the hell are you gonna
change it?

(02:03:07):
Therapy, yes again, therapy isbasically the answer to
everything in a podcast likethis.
I get it.
But it's not just any therapy.
Some approaches areparticularly great for
attachment trauma issues.
One standout is emotionallyfocused therapy, or EFT for
couples.
EFT is explicitly based onattachment theory and helps

(02:03:30):
couples understand each other'sattachment needs and fears.
It's been shown to improvebonding in adult relationships
by fostering secure emotionalconnections.
In EFT, instead of fightingabout, say, who left the dishes
out, surface issue, thetherapist guides you to talk
about the attachment needsunderneath.
Maybe one partner feelsignored, the other feels

(02:03:51):
criticized.
Both are really saying, I needto feel valued and loved.
Over time, EFT can help evenpreviously insecure partners
develop a more secure bond witheach other.
If Ray and Dax had hit anysnags due to their past losses,
an EFT therapist would havelikely helped them communicate
those fears and soothe eachother, strengthening their

(02:04:12):
connection.
For individual work, internalfamily systems or IFS therapy is
very helpful for people withtrauma histories and attachment
wounds.
IFS operates on the idea thatwe all have quote-unquote parts,
like an inner child part thatholds hurt, or a protective part
that might trigger avoidantbehaviors.
By working with these parts intherapy, you can heal the

(02:04:33):
wounded ones and help theprotective ones relax.
For example, an avoidant personmight have a protective part
that says, don't get closer,you'll get hurt.
And in IFS, the therapist wouldhelp that part understand that
the person's adult self canhandle more closeness now and
gently create more trust.
It's a very compassionate modeland great for complex trauma.

(02:04:54):
Notably, IFS has been noted forits ability to heal insecure
attachment and detachment traumafrom the inside out by
essentially reparenting yourinner self.
Somatic therapies are anothercategory to consider.
Trauma isn't just in our heads,it's stored in our bodies.
You've heard the phrase, thebody keeps the score.

(02:05:16):
Thanks, Basil van der Koelk.
Somatic experiencing, or SE, orsensory motorcycle therapy, or
somatic attachment therapy canbe wonderful for learning to
calm that fight-flight-freezeresponse that often underlies
anxious or disorganizedattachment.
These approaches help focus onbodily sensations and help

(02:05:36):
release trauma that's stuck inthe nervous system.
So I'm pretty sure part of lastrelationship with her freezing,
because I remember her freezingspecifically, that is all
forever burned in my brain.
Yeah, I mean, guarantee part ofthat was past trauma, you know?
But uh, just couldn't see it.
But what can you do?
Anyways.

(02:05:57):
I I hate to see people sufferunnecessarily.
That's uh so many of us do it.
I know I've done it like uh somany people.
This world really does need toheal.
Anyways, back to sensor motorpsychotherapy or somatic
attachment therapy.
These approaches focus onbodily sensations and help

(02:06:19):
release trauma that's stuck inthe nervous system.
According to the SomaticExperiencing Institute, Somatic
Experiencing can supportresolving developmental and
attachment trauma by workingthrough those stuck fight-flight
freeze responses at thephysiological level.
If you find talk therapy isn'tenough, like you know logically
that your partner isn'tabandoning you, but your body

(02:06:40):
still reacts with panic, somaticwork might be the missing
piece.
It teaches you skills toregulate your nervous system and
feel safe in connection.
Another approach worthmentioning is trauma-informed
yoga, or EMDR, for individuals,and psychodrama or group therapy
for some folks.
Really, there are many paths.
What's important is that thetherapist or program is

(02:07:02):
knowledgeable about trauma andattachment.
Not to mention, sometimessimply educating yourself via
books and workshops can catalyzechange.
Books like Attached by AmirLevine and Rachel Heller on
attachment styles, Hold Me Tightby Sue Johnson on using EFT
principles in your relationship,or The Body Keeps the Score by
Van Der Kalk on trauma's impactand healing can give you that

(02:07:24):
aha moment that propels youforward.
There are also support groupsand forums for almost
everything.
Survivors of narcissisticabuse, adult children of
alcoholics where trauma bondingand attachment issues often
abound, codependence anonymous,etc.
Hearing other stories can breakthe isolation and shame.
Let's not forget the moreday-to-day tools and practices

(02:07:45):
that can help in healing.
Here are a few practical ones.
Mindfulness and groundingtechniques.
These help, especially if youhave anxiety or trauma triggers.
Learning to notice yourfeelings and bodily sensations
without being swept away cankeep you from reacting
impulsively in relationships.
For example, if you'reanxiously attached and feel

(02:08:05):
panicked that your partner islate, a mindfulness practice
might help you ride thatemotional way without sending 20
frantic texts.
Grounding, like deep breathing,naming things you see or hear,
or touching something textured,can calm the nervous system in
moments of trigger.
Journaling or letter writing.
When you're in a trauma bond orfresh out of one, writing down

(02:08:27):
the reality of the situation canhelp combat the rose-colored
glasses that come withintermittent reinforcement.
Survivors often keep a journalof abusive incidents to reread
when they're longing to returnto the abuser to remind
themselves of why they left oreven why they were discarded.
Journaling can also helpidentify attachment-driven
thoughts.
For example, today I noticed Iassumed my friend was mad at me

(02:08:50):
because she didn't use anexclamation point.
Might be my anxious stylemisreading things.
Boundary setting exercises.
If you tend towardscodependency or anxious
behaviors, practicing settingsmall boundaries can be huge.
Say no to something minor andsit with the discomfort.
Realize the world didn't end.

(02:09:12):
This builds confidence to setbigger boundaries, which is
critical in not getting suckedinto unhealthy dynamics.
Conversely, if you're avoidant,practice letting someone in a
bit more.
Say yes to a vulnerableconversation or ask for help
with something small.
Flex that trust muscle.
You're avoidant.
You don't need to say noanymore, you always say enough.

(02:09:34):
Self-reflection questions.
We'll give you some in the nextsection.
Asking yourself the rightquestions can clarify whether
you're in a healthy situation orrepeating old patterns.
For example, does thisrelationship make me feel
generally safe and respected, ormostly anxious and unworthy?
If it's the latter, time tore-evaluate.

(02:09:55):
Community and connection.
Healing attachment wounds oftenrequires experiencing good
attachments.
This might mean investing infriendships, support groups, or
even pet ownership.
Seriously, a securely attacheddog can teach you a lot about
unconditional love.
Just don't get a cat with aninsecure attachment.
They kind of do their ownthing.

(02:10:17):
And I'm not talking about don'tget a cat, I'm talking about
don't get a cat with an insecureattachment.
Anyways, or a dog with aninsecure attachment.
That happens.
The more you feel connected andaccepted by supportive people,
the more you unlearn the ideathat relationships are scary or

(02:10:38):
that you're not good enough.
If you don't have friends orfamily you trust, consider group
therapy or online communitieswith the usual caution to choose
safe, moderated ones.
Time and patience.
Sorry, but I have to includethis.
Whether you're recovering froma trauma bond or working on your
attachment style, it's amarathon, not a sprint.

(02:11:01):
Two steps forward, one stepback is normal.
You might find yourselfattracted to the same type of
person, even after you know it'sunhealthy.
Don't beat yourself up.
Awareness is progress, andevery time you catch yourself
and make a slightly betterchoice, you are rewiring.
Celebrate the small wins like,hey, I asserted my need in a

(02:11:23):
relationship for the first time,or hey, I didn't text back
immediately and I sat with myanxiety, and nothing bad
happened.
Over time, these add up to bigchange.
Alright, I hear you.
We want receipts for thesesolutions too.
Fair enough.
Studies have shown.
For instance, and remember, becareful when you hear the phrase

(02:11:44):
studies have shown.
Always make sure that you readthe studies.
For instance, that emotionallyfocused therapy has a high
success rate in improving couplebonds.
In some studies, around 70 to75% of couples move to a more
secure relationship and staytogether with significant
improvement.
Research on attachment alsosuggests that positive

(02:12:05):
relationship experiences canalter attachment styles.
One longitudinal study foundthat people's attachment styles
could and did shift towardssecure attachment when they
formed relationships with securepartners or went through
transformative experiences.
That's what's happening with mypartner.
I've got my secure attachmentstyle back.
She is getting more and moresecure as the time passes.

(02:12:29):
Now, yes, most of it is meconsistently proving over and
over and over again that I'm notgonna abandon her no matter how
hard she pushes.
Sure.
That part was annoying for awhile, but hey, sometimes you
just have to understand wherethey're coming from and hold
space for that.
And as long as they are workingtowards secure attachment, you

(02:12:49):
know, just take whatever comesyour way, let it roll off your
back, don't take it personally.
It's the insecure attachmentstyle, it's fine.
It's not a personalitydisorder, because if it was ever
something like that, at thatpoint I'm out.
Gone.
Don't I don't nope.
Secure attachment style onlygoes so far.
Secure attachment style doesn'tmean you get to make me an
emotional punching bag.

(02:13:09):
Because the So, anyways,there's also neuroscience
evidence via fMRI studies andMRI studies, two different
things.
And when someone feels securelyattached, like seeing a loved
one's picture or holding atrusted partner's hand under
stress, the brain shows reducedactivation and threat response

(02:13:29):
areas.
That's a literal image ofattachment healing in action.
Love, the healthy kind, actingas a balm to fear in the brain.
I mean, think about that.
How cool is that?
Therapies like internal familysystems or IFS and somatic work
are newer in terms of widespreadevidence, but anecdotally and
theoretically, they do make aton of sense for complex

(02:13:52):
attachment issues.
IFS's popularity among traumatherapists stems from its high
success in helping people withchildhood trauma learn
self-compassion and reparentthemselves, thereby changing
attachment from the inside.
Somatic therapies build on theidea that if trauma lives in the
body, healing must involve thebody.
Many people report that aftersomatic experiencing, their
triggers diminish and they feelmore present and safe in

(02:14:15):
relationships.
If you are in the throes ofbreaking a real trauma bond,
some specific steps that expertsrecommend include creating a
safety plan if violence isinvolved, cutting off contact
for the abuser as much aspossible, going no contact or at
least low contact ifco-parenting is an issue,
because every contact can retrigger the bond, leaning

(02:14:38):
heavily on your support systemor support group in moments of
self-doubt, and remindingyourself, through whatever
means, friends, journal,therapist, or whatever, of the
reasons you left.
It's very normal to feelwithdrawal symptoms when leaving
a trauma bond.
You might literally ache forthe person, or feel depressed or
anxious as your body adjusts tothe absence of those chaotic

(02:14:59):
highs and lows.
This is where being kind toyourself is vital.
It's like quitting anaddiction.
You might need to treat it assuch.
Avoid temptations.
For example, don't stalk theirsocial media.
Do not do that.
Have go-to distractions, newhobby, new exercise releases,
endorphins, etc.
Avoiding things that remind youof them until you internalize

(02:15:22):
who they really were, andpossibly join a program.
There are 12-step groups forlove addiction or codependency
that can provide a structuredapproach to detoxing from an
unhealthy attachment.
Finally, as you heal and grow,you'll likely find a different
kind of love comes into focus.
Maybe you'll experience or arealready experiencing what it's

(02:15:44):
like to be with someone whorespects your boundaries, who
communicates instead ofstonewalls, who is consistently
there for you.
At first, if you're used toroller coasters, this might feel
weird, maybe even quote,boring, end quote.
Stick with it.
Give healthy love a chance torecalibrate your system.
Over time, you'll start toreally appreciate the beauty in

(02:16:08):
the stable, kind, securerelationship.
It might not give you stomachbutterflies 24-7 or wild drama
to vent to your friends about,but it will give you something
way better.
Peace of mind, genuine support,and real intimacy.
And guess what?
Without foundation, you canstill have all the passion and
excitement and all the kinks andeverything.

(02:16:30):
It's just not terror-fueled.
It's like switching from a dietof energy shots and candy, all
spikes and crashes, to anutritious meal.
May not hit as instantly, butit sustains you and tastes
pretty darn good once you'veadjusted your palate.
Before we finally wrap up, yes,I know I'm getting long-winded
on this, or I am long-winded onthis, let's address the love

(02:16:54):
versus addiction analogy onemore time, because it is an
interesting one.
We've mentioned how trauma bonddynamics can mimic addiction,
but some people say love itselfis an addiction, or I'm addicted
to this person.
Be very cautious with thatframing.
Yes, early stage romantic lovelights up reward centers in the

(02:17:16):
brain, dopamine, oxytoce, andthe love cocktail, but healthy
love isn't supposed to feel likea desperate addiction.
It's meant to evolve into acalmer, secure attachment where
you love being with the person,but you're also okay when you're
not.
You don't go into withdrawal.
If your experience of loveconsistently feels like a

(02:17:39):
debilitating addiction, like youcan't function without getting
a quote fix of attention, or youtolerate increasingly bad
behavior and nearly zero effortfrom the person just to stay
connected, that's not love.
That's likely an attachmenttrauma at play, or a sign of an
actual trauma bond, or at leastcodependency.

(02:18:01):
So while the high of a traumabond is real, and we gave
receipts for the hormones behindit, real love is more of a
steady warmth than a raging firethat burns you to ash.
When you find yourself in thatsteady warmth, you might think,
huh, this is different.
Something wrong?
Is this not compatible?

(02:18:21):
No, nothing's wrong.
That's actually how it'sfreaking meant to be, yo.
Don't worry.
You'll still have passion andall that good stuff, but it
won't consistently devastateyou.
And if you miss the rollercoaster, well, that's what
amusement parks and Netflixthrillers are for.
Your relationship shouldn't beyour source of life's chaos.
Alright, let's finallyconsolidate all of this into

(02:18:44):
some actionable reflection andresources for you and for me.
Self-reflection.
Questions to ask yourself.
Taking some time to reflect onyour relationship and patterns
can be incredibly eye-opening.
Here are a few questions toponder or journal about.
Be honest with yourself.
This is just for you.
One, how do I typically feel inmy closest relationships?

(02:19:10):
Do I feel mostly safe,respected, and at ease?
Or am I often anxious, walkingon eggshells, or craving a level
of affection that I'm notgetting?
Consistent feelings of fear orunworthiness could be a sign of
an unhealthy dynamic or at leastan insecure attachment in us
that needs attention.

(02:19:30):
Number two, have I ever stayedin a relationship that I knew
deep down was really bad for me?
Why did I stay?
List the reasons or excusesthat come to mind.
Do they sound like love orfear?
For example, because I lovedher versus because I was afraid
no one else would ever love me,or she threatened to hurt

(02:19:53):
herself, or I thought shecouldn't make it alone.
Fear-based reasons point to apossible trauma bond or
attachment wound.
Number three, do I tend to datepeople who treat me similarly
to how one of my parents or pastcaregivers treated me?
This can be a tough one, butpatterns often repeat.

(02:20:15):
If your childhood was chaoticor you felt ignored, are you,
perhaps unintentionally,choosing partners who recreate
those feelings?
Recognizing this pattern can bethe first step to breaking it.
Number four, when conflictarises with a partner, how do I
react?
Do I panic, plead, or feel likemy world is ending, which is an

(02:20:38):
anxious response?
Do I shut down, withdraw, orfeel numb?
It's an avoidant response.
Do I swing between the two orhave extreme reactions?
That's a disorganized response.
Or do I manage to stayrelatively calm and communicate?
That's a secure response.
Identifying your conflict stylecan highlight your attachment

(02:20:59):
style triggers.
Number five, what are mybeliefs about myself and
relationships?
Complete this sentence.
I am blank enough to have ahealthy, loving relationship.
Do words like not good or toobroken or too needy come up?

(02:21:20):
Those are limiting beliefsoften born from past traumas or
bad relationships.
A secure belief would be I amworthy enough to have a healthy,
loving relationship.
If that feels false to say,there is some self-love work for
you to do, and you absolutelyare worthy for the record.
Number six, do I know what myboundaries are and do I enforce

(02:21:46):
them?
For example, would I recognizean act if someone crossed the
line into verbal or physicalabuse or constantly disrespected
me?
If you find yourself constantlyexcusing someone's bad behavior
or saying, it's fine when it'snot, that is worth examining.
Healthy relationships involveclear, respected boundaries.

(02:22:08):
And yeah, don't think yourpartner's gonna mind-read your
boundaries.
You have to f communicate themfirst.
Alright?
Don't be one of these that whenyour partner crosses your
boundaries, feel like, I have aboundary around that, and then
just tally up the number oftimes they crossed your
boundaries because you didn'ttell them your boundaries, and
then use that as ammunition.

(02:22:28):
Because that's a clown move.
Don't be a clown.
They just won't respect you.
That's really what it boilsdown to.
You're not gonna have anyrespect from uh the person that
you discard because of that,because you're you're a clown.
It's just the way it is.
And hopefully you figure itout.
But you probably won't.
Number seven, have I fullyprocessed and healed from my

(02:22:51):
past traumas, big or small?
If not, how might thoseunhealed parts be manifesting in
my current life?
Sometimes, unhealed trauma islike a silent director in the
background, influencing yourchoices without you even
realizing it.
For instance, unhealed griefmight make you fear getting
close to someone new, becauseyou subconsciously fear loss

(02:23:15):
again.
Or it might make you go 100%all in without healthy
boundaries you normally set.
Or unhealed abuse mightnormalize red flags for you.
Identifying what's unresolvedcan point to what to work on in
therapy, through support groups,etc.
Reflecting on those questionscan help you chart your next

(02:23:35):
steps.
If you find your answers arealarming, whoa, I basically
described the treble bondpattern.
Or, yikes, I am definitelyanxious attached, and it's
hurting my marriage.
Don't panic.
Awareness is good.
Awareness is the first step.
It is the precursor to change.
And in the next section, we'vegot resources to help you take

(02:23:56):
those steps towards healing andhealthier relationships.
Resources for healing andsupport.
I think we're almost done.
You don't have to navigatetrauma, attachment wounds, or
unhealthy relationships alone.
There are many resources andtools out there, from
professional therapy toself-help books to community
support.
Here's a curated list if youstarted on your journey of

(02:24:19):
healing, growth, and findinggood love.
Therapy and counselingservices.
If possible, find atrauma-informed therapist,
someone trained in dealing withtrauma and attachment issues.
Find one, you can usedirectories like the Psychology
Today Therapist Finder.
You can filter it forspecialties like trauma or
domestic violence or attachmentissues.

(02:24:40):
Another option is Therapy Denor Good Therapy, which also
allow filtering by approach, forexample, EFT, EMDR, etc.
If cost is an issue, becauseunfortunately therapy isn't free
or cheap, look into communitymental health centers or
therapists who offer slidingscale fees.
Open Path Collective is anetwork of therapists who

(02:25:00):
provide low-cost sessions.
Also, many areas havenon-profits for specific issues,
like abuse survivors or griefcounseling, etc., that offer
free or low-cost support.
Online therapy platforms likeBetterHelp or Talkspace can be a
convenient option if in-persontherapy isn't feasible.
Just make sure to requestsomeone with a trauma or

(02:25:22):
relationship focus.
Keep in mind online therapycosts vary and quality can vary
too.
But it's an option if youprefer digital, and it's better
than nothing.
Support hotlines andorganizations.
If you are in an abusiverelationship or need advice
about one, the National DomesticViolence Hotline,

(02:25:42):
1-800-799-SAFE, in the US, orlive chat on their website is a
24-7 confidential resource.
They can help with safetyplanning and connect you to
local resources.
RAIN, R-A-I-N-N, Rape, Abuse,and Incest National Network, or
the phone number is1-800-656-HOPE, if sexual trauma

(02:26:06):
is part of your history orpresent.
RAIN can offer support and canlink you to counseling in your
area.
AI Anon or NAR Anon.
If your trauma bond scenarioinvolves substance abuse, for
example, you're trauma bondedwith an addict, these support
groups for friends and family ofaddicts can be helpful.
They teach us about enablingversus supporting and how to set

(02:26:29):
boundaries.
Codependence Anonymous, orCODA.
This is a 12-step program forpeople who struggle with
codependency, which is oftenoverlapping with detachment
stuff.
It can provide a framework forregaining your sense of self
outside of relationships.
Love is Respect atlovesrespect.org is a resource

(02:26:50):
focused on young adults andteens in abusive or unhealthy
relationships, but theirmaterials are useful for any
age.
They have a text and a chatline too.
Books and reading materialAttached by Amir Levine and
Rachel Heller, a veryreader-friendly book that
explains attachment styles andhow they play out in adult

(02:27:11):
relationships.
If you want to understand whyyou or your partner act in a
certain way in love, this is agreat starting point.
The Body Keeps the Score byBessel van der Kalk, a classic
on how trauma affects the mindand body, with insights into
various treatments.
It's not specifically aboutrelationships, but it does help

(02:27:32):
you understand the deep impactof trauma, including attachment
trauma, and paths to healing.
Hold Me Tight by Dr.
Sue Johnson.
Based on emotionally focusedtherapy, it walks couples
through seven conversations thatcan create more secure
attachment between them.
Great for couples looking todeepen intimacy and trust.

(02:27:55):
Many books compile stories oftrauma survivors who found
healthy love after, or expertswriting on breaking trauma
bonds, for example Women WhoLove Too Much by Robin Norwood
or Facing Love Addiction by PiaMelody.
These can be eye-opening if youidentify with loving in a way
that hurts.
The Betrayal Bond by PatrickCarnez.
This one is literally abouttrauma bonding.

(02:28:17):
Carnez is the one who coinedthe term.
It delves into why we stayattached to those who hurt us
and offers steps to break free.
It is a heavier read, but ifyou want to go right to the
source, Carnez provides a ton ofinsight, including inventories
to assess your own situation.
Workbooks and online resources.

(02:28:38):
Attachment style workbooks.
The attachments projectwebsite, attachmentproject.com,
offers free articles and paidworkbooks and courses for
different attachment styles.
Their Start to Heal section andattachment quiz can be
extremely useful.
Psychology Today and verywell-minded articles.
These sites have tons ofaccessible articles on topics

(02:28:59):
like can your attachment stylechange?
How to cope with anxiousattachment?
Signs of a trauma bond, etc.
They often include tips and arereviewed by professionals.
TherapistAid worksheets.
Websites like therapistaid.comprovide free worksheets on
things like setting boundaries,understanding cognitive

(02:29:19):
distortions, etc., which can begreat if you're a do-it-yourself
therapy kind of person.
Which, if you are great, buttry a therapist, you know, it
might help.
It may be hard to find a goodone, but you'll find it.
YouTube educational videos.
There are some therapists andpsychologists who run YouTube

(02:29:41):
channels explaining these topicsthat are actually good.
For example, Dr.
Romani on narcissistic abuseand trauma bonds.
Uh Theus Gibson on attachmentstyles, etc.
While obviously not areplacement for therapy,
sometimes a 10 minute videoexplanation can validate your
experience and give you points.
Just back it up with atherapist.

(02:30:02):
Don't be the TikTok therapyperson.
Don't do that.
It will lead you astray everytime, and it will feed your ego
because that's they know that'swhat sells.
So any TikTok therapy videosyou see are gonna bolster your
ego, and you don't want that.
You want your ego slapped.
EMDR or eye movementdesensitization and reprocessing

(02:30:23):
therapy.
This is a personal favorite forme.
It's very effective.
Highly effective for trauma,helps reprocess traumatic
memories so they aren't astriggering.
Many people have reported thatEMDR helped them finally
emotionally detached from anabusive ex or heal a childhood
wound underpinning theirattachment issues.
Somatic experiencing, or SE, asmentioned, focuses on bodily

(02:30:47):
release of trauma.
If talk therapy isn't cuttingit, because it doesn't always
cut it, SE might help you getunstuck, especially if you have
a lot of anxiety or freezeresponse.
Internal family systems or IFS.
This is great for complextrauma and attachment.
It might help you dialogue withthe part of you that still
loves your abuser, for instance,and find out what it needs,

(02:31:09):
probably safety and love, andhelp provide that in a healthier
way.
Group therapy or supportgroups.
Sometimes hearing me too fromothers is the best medicine.
Group therapy for survivors ofdomestic abuse or group for
anxious attachers, somerelationship coaches run these,

(02:31:30):
can help you feel understood andless alone.
They also keep you accountable.
Very important accountability.
It's harder to run back to atoxic ex when you know you'll
have to tell the group and seeall their concerned faces next
week.
Couples therapy, if in arelationship that's challenging
but not abusive.
A good couples therapist can bea game changer.

(02:31:52):
They can act as an attachmentcoach for both of you.
Just make sure if there'sabuse, the couples therapy is
not recommended, because it canactually make it worse.
Individual support is neededfirst in that case.
But for general attachmentmismatches, like anxious
avoidant pairs trying to make itwork, couples therapy, EFT
especially, could save the day.

(02:32:13):
There are applications likeMend or Breakup Boss designed to
help people through breakups orbreak toxic cycles.
They give daily activities,motivational quotes, etc.
It could be helpful if you'redetaching from a trauma bond and
need structure.
Online forums, use with extremecaution.

(02:32:37):
Reddit has communities likeR-attachment underscore theory
or R-CPTSD or R-relationships,where people share experiences.
Take advice on the internetwith a massive, giant, huge
grain of salt.
But sometimes it's comfortingto read other stories or get

(02:32:59):
perspective.
There are also Facebook groupsand such, but ensure any group
you join is well moderated toavoid bad advice or further
trauma.
Meditation and self-care apps.
It might sound a little bittangible and I get it, but apps
like Headspace or Calm formeditation, or journaling apps

(02:33:19):
can support your mental healthroutine.
Healing is holistic.
Your sleep, diet, exercise, andgeneral self-care do matter.
It is much easier to faceemotional battles when you are
physically and mentallynourished.
But again, if you only focus onyour health, it ain't gonna be
enough.
And that's become obvious to meover the years, dealing with

(02:33:43):
other people.
Or just observing them.
Finally, remember that healingis not linear.
You might slip up, you mighttext or email that toxic X or
have an anxious meltdown, evenafter progress.
That is okay.
Be kind to yourself, have someself-compassion.
Progress often looks like asquiggly line trending upward,

(02:34:05):
not a straight shot.
Every step you take, whetherit's listening to this podcast,
by the way, congrats on makingit through a long listen.
My own voice is getting tired.
Going to therapy, setting aboundary, or simply
acknowledging I deserve better,is reshaping your future.
Ray and Dax's story ended upbeing one of hope.

(02:34:28):
They turned their sharedexperiences into a beautiful
partnership.
They actively communicated andsought understanding.
They even joked with each otherabout not outliving this one as
dark humor to cope with theirfears.
But they always had realconversations, beneath the
jokes.
If you are lucky, you mightfind someone who will do that

(02:34:50):
work with you, hand in hand.
But even if you are doing thework solo right now, it is worth
it.
You are essentially becomingthe Ray and Dax to yourself,
giving your own heart theunderstanding and care it needs,
so that when love does come,you'll be ready to receive it
fully and healthily.

(02:35:12):
And I hope anybody who has beenabandoned by someone who was
unhealthy also holds that samehope that that person will grow
and change.
Because it doesn't matter thatthey're not with you, it does
matter that they're not growing,because they themselves are
miserable.
But again, you cannot saveeveryone.

(02:35:34):
You can lead a horse to water,you can hold them till the last
bubble comes up, but you cannotmake them drink.
And drowning them isn't asolution either.
Final thoughts.
From trauma to triumph, astropish as that sounds.
We set out to clarify traumabonding and dispel the myths

(02:35:57):
around it, especially themisconception that sharing
trauma equals a trauma bond.
By now, hopefully, you've seenthat trauma bonding is a
serious, specific phenomenontied to real physical,
psychological, or narcissisticabuse, and it's not to be
confused with the empatheticconnections people form over
past traumas.

(02:36:17):
We debunked that myth withreceipts and with great
wordiness and looked at whatreally lies beneath our intense
relationship patterns, ourattachment styles, our
unresolved wounds, and thecycles we can get caught in.
If there's one message to takehome, let it be this.

(02:36:38):
Love should not consistentlyfeel like pain.
Love should not feel like aroller coaster you are strapped
to against your will.
If you find yourself in a bondwhere the highs are ecstasy and
the lows are soul-crushing, andespecially if someone is
intentionally causing thoselows, that's not the kind of

(02:37:01):
love you want or deserve.
And if you've been blamingyourself for staying or for
choosing that situation, pleaseunderstand the forces,
psychological and biochemical,that were at play.
And then, when you're ready,take steps to break free and
heal.
On the flip side, if you'vebeen avoiding love or thinking

(02:37:24):
you're broken because of yourpast, know that two people with
heavy pasts can come togetherand create something healthy and
beautiful.
Ray and Dax did.
It wasn't magic or fate, it waseffort, effective
communication, and a willingnessto heal separately and
together.
It was also likely because eachhad done some healing of their

(02:37:47):
own so that they were able tomeet and not enclode.
So do that work.
It pays off when you findsomeone great, or even simply in
how great it feels to finallyhave your own back.
In wrapping up, here's a bit ofhumor with truth.
Bad relationships are likecigarettes.

(02:38:08):
Initially, they calm youranxiety, maybe even give you a
heady buzz, but in the long run,they wreak havoc on your
health, and they're awfully hardto quit.
Trauma bonds, those are theunfiltered cigarettes of
relationships.
Extra addictive and extratoxic.
But millions of people havequit smoking, and millions have

(02:38:29):
left toxic love.
With knowledge, support, andmaybe a nicotine patch for the
heart, a good therapist, youabsolutely can kick the habit of
unhealthy bonds.
And guess what happens next?
You clear your system, youregain your strength, and you
create space for good stuff.
Maybe that means a trulysupportive partner comes into

(02:38:50):
your life.
Maybe it means you flourishhappily single for a while,
enjoying drama-free peace.
Maybe it means you break agenerational cycle so your kids,
present or future, have ahealthier model of love.
All the above are wins.
So here's your call to actionyou can actually feel good
about.
Subscribe to your ownwell-being.

(02:39:13):
In other words, commit toputting your healing and your
emotional health first.
Sure, and if this were anewsletter or blog you were
reading, I'd cheekly addsubscribe to this blog for more
real in talk and research onmental health and relationships,
share this article with anyonewho might benefit, and consider
joining our community forongoing support and discussion.
But truly subscribe to thebelief that you deserve safe,

(02:39:34):
fulfilling love.
Because you do.
If you found this lengthy deepdive useful, consider sharing it
with someone in your life whomight be stuck in a myth or a
toxic cycle.
You never know.
It might be the nudge thatfinally sets them free.
And take a moment to patyourself on the back for wading
through the tough stuff.

(02:39:55):
The fact that you're still herelistening and reflecting shows
your resilience anddetermination to grow.
Your trauma does not defineyou, and your past is not your
destiny.
You can heal your attachmentwounds, you can break trauma
bonds, you can transform how youlove and who you love,
including learning to loveyourself in the process.

(02:40:16):
It is not easy, but as we'veoutlined, you are certainly not
alone, and you are certainly notwithout tools.
In the end, the goal is toexperience love as the additive
joy it's meant to be.
Something that adds to yourlife, not subtracts from your
soul.

(02:40:37):
May you find or buildrelationships that feel like a
warm, safe home for your heart.
And may the only bonding overtrauma you do be in support
groups or friend chats, not inyour romantic bed.
Stay safe, stay hopeful, andremember, healing is possible,

(02:41:00):
and healthy love is out there.
Go forth and bond securely.
You've got this.

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